Sunday, January 29, 2006

The "Tucker Max" Stories

Anyone who has ever visited Tucker Max's website knows about the self-proclaimed "Tucker Max Stories." According to Tucker, these stories are recounts of actual events in which he was involved. They usually involve him being an asshole to women and men, him getting lots of sex with hot women despite his obnoxious behavior, and never suffering any negative repercussions for his outrageous antics. These stories build up Tucker has a total stud who gets away with doing whatever he wants to do regardless of what anyone else thinks about him.

Some visitors to his website take his stories at face value and have deified him as some sort of modern-day sex god. I, on the other hand, strongly believe that his stories are complete horseshit. That dude doesn't get laid with hot women - if he gets any women at all they are almost certainly beastly hogs with no other options.

Here's my own hypothetical "Tucker Max Story." I believe that this story gives a more accurate retelling of what a night on the town with Tucker Max is probably really like:

"Tucker Max's Night At The Manhole

I just experienced a Saturday evening like no other. There was quite a bit of debauchery, hot sex, and vomiting before the unbelievable night was over.

I grabbed a quick bite to eat at the Popeye's fast food chicken restaurant to fill my belly to start out my evening. I then returned to my studio apartment in the Boys Town section of Chicago at around 7:00 PM and started pounding a couple bottles of Colt 45. Why Colt 45? Because I needed to get drunk fast, and there's nothing chicks like better than a drunken fool who's already plastered by 9 PM on a Saturday evening.

At around 8:30 I headed over to Wrigleyville to the Cubby Bear bar. As I was alone I realized I would need to turn on the charm if I was going to get some chicks. I saw a group of college-aged girls and went in for the kill. I went right up to them and said "Hey bitches! Who is going to suck me off tonight!!!" The girls all got disgusted looks on their faces. Perplexed, I blurted out "Don't you know who I am? I'm Tucker Max!!!" One of the girls, a redhead, replied "I don't know who the fuck you are! Get out of my face, faggot!" I responded "But I have a popular website. I love you!" The redhead called me a faggot again and I walked away. 0 for 1 so far, but the night wasn't over.

I then went up to the bar and ordered a Bud Light. After I received my beer and had a few sips I started feeling a little queasy. Unfortunately the combination of Popeye's chicken, Colt 45, and the Bud Light was not sitting well in my stomach. About 10 second later I started spewing all over the bar and was quickly escorted out of the bar by a couple bouncers who threw me out of the bar and into a big muddy puddle.

I thought to myself, "This night isn't going very well." But the night was still young.

I decided to visit a bar where I was sure to get some action, the Manhole, a gay bar only a couple blocks from my apartment.

I arrived at the Manhole, waited in line for about 15 minutes, paid the cover, and then walked right in. I was immediately greeted by the regulars inside who started chanting my name, repeating "Tucker...Tucker...TUCKER...TUCKER!!!" It felt nice to be so loved.

Phillip and Lance, two nice young men who dance at the Manhole every weekend, came up to me and hugged me. Phillip then went and bought me a Miller Light while Lance grabbed my ass and dragged me out onto the dance floor. Lance was slow-dancing so close to me when Phillips came up behind me with the Miller Light and started grinding his erect penis against my ass. One thing led to another and before I knew it Lance, Phillips, and I were in the second bathroom stall in the Men's room! Being double-teamed by Lance and Phillip felt so good and was incredibly hot for me. Both of them pumped away for what seemed like 30 minutes until dumping their loads inside me. A couple random men also walked into the bathroom and took their turns as well. Within an hour or so, my butthole was holding more "semen" than a battleship!

When they were finally done, I got dressed and limped out of the bar in obvious pain. After arriving at my tiny studio apartment, I turned on my computer and logged into my website, www.tuckermax.com, and typed in a story about how I had spend the evening fucking two hot babes I met at the Cubby Bear. If only the visitors to my website knew the truth!!! Luckily, my secret is safe from those mindless fools."

25 comments:

Anonymous said...

so clouds website is gone huh?

Anonymous said...

Good story. it's probably a more accurate description of a typical tucker max story.

Anonymous said...

Actually to the astonishment of many, I have known Tucker for many years now. All of his stories are extremely factful while adding small details to juice his stories for readers. I have been out a few times with the guy and Tucker has no problem walking out of the bar with 2 girls for him and enough for his friends.

Jake_of_The_New said...

That was the funniest thing I've ever heard

Anonymous said...

That was amazing. You are my hero.

Anonymous said...

Isn't there a story on Tucker Max's website about the time that he really did visit the Manhole? I wonder whether he hooked up anyone that evening.

Anonymous said...

Max is most definately a jizz stain, worse than his "stories" are the endless pages of self righteous, narcissistic, hyper-critical horseshit that fill the forum areas of the website(s). Perfect examples of the studied yet humorously dumb, overachieving book monkies raised by the baby boomer army. A mile wide but only an inch deep.

Brian said...

Honestly, you guys have nothing better to do than devote a whole website to dis on a true fucking badass? Tucker Max obviously never wrote that and the guy that did is probably someone who doesn't like him because Tucker made fun of him. Well, as Tucker would say, "Fuck you if you can't take a joke."

Anonymous said...

Wow, being a bigoted asshole to call out another asshole really does not have the effect you thought it would have. You just sound like a jerk with a small pecker.

I am by no stretch a fan of Tucker Max's but you are not helping your case with your badly written crap laced with homophobic vitriol.

Anonymous said...

That was as funny as a Max Tucker story. Good job, you could write a whole book of Max Tucker story translations.

Anonymous said...

If you don't like tucker max then you're a gay douche bag who should go fellate themselves

Tucker Max said...

Good story. You could write gay porn for your faggot followers to masturbate to.

Anonymous said...

Tugger, I thought that you liked all of the negative press? This blog hasn't been updated for 4 years and yet it still pisses you off. Nobody even know what happened to Cloud or whoever created this blog, but that person seems to have moved on to better things. You need to accept the fact that not everyone is going to kiss your ass and that not everyone believes your fictional stories.

Anonymous said...

Tucker is a much better writer than you...

Anonymous said...

hilarious! tucker is a fag!!!!

Anonymous said...

Does Tucker still hook up with Phillip and Lance or has he moved onto other gay men?

Anonymous said...

Dude, when you wrote this story did you feel gay at all. Sure you're making fun of someone and i can admire that but, dude ease up on the pussy language...when i read this story i felt like it was written by like the biggest fag in the world...i got 20$ says your one of the duke nerds who got made fun of...i would love to make fun of your faggish ways, but you see i have no idea who you are...and i don't like to associate with faggots like you, why don't you do yourself a favor and go get some pussy.

Anonymous said...

This is what you do in your freetime riding off someones fame to make your self like like a smartass prick because your upset that in your poor shit life nothing good has ever happend to you
just enjoy the fucking book fuckface

Brett Henderson said...

WHAT THE HELL DID TUCKER MAX EVER DO TO YOU?

Are you a girl he fucked?
Are you a guy who wants to be like him?

Regardless, of your obvious obsecion with Tucker I think that you need to see a therapist. His books are funny, witty, and if you dont like them the solution is really simple..........wait for it........ DONT READ THE BOOKS...

The one thing in life I cant stand is someone that is going to "Hate" on someone becasue he lived his dream. He did what he wanted to do and wrote about his life.

In all honesty I hate to see him retire from this genere of writing. He has enspired many conversations of my past youth and stupid shit I have done.

In closing I would like to say...

GO FUCK YOURSELF...

pat said...

There's not enough time to chronicle the jealous haters that have posted their envy of TM.
But i will answer a few;
1. "TM was with an ugly/ fat girl at a bar"
So? If you've ever read his books, TM is brutally honest about the many times he has gone home with a sub par girl- he never claim to always hook up with perfect 10 girls.
2. "TM" was born into privilege"
So? Should he be ashamed that his dad makes a good living from his restaurants? What should be noted is that he didn't suckle on his Dad's teat but made his own money, his own way.
3. His third book "tanked".
Really? Go to Amazon-TM's 3rd book, Hilarity Ensues" has sold 1.5 million copies- CLEARLY a success.
4. "He owns no property".
And? You have proof of this? Even if that were true, what does it matter? This makes him a bad person? This is laughable.
Perhaps these "haters" of TM should spend more time focussing their finely honed skills on critiquing their OWN lives and coming to terms with their shortcomings.
You people are sad.

Lance said...

Hey sweetie-pie, when are you coming back to the Manhole? I really gave it to you last time right in the ass and there is more where that came from!

Phillip said...

Tucker, how are you doing, my little Muffin Ass? I was just reminiscing about our night of ecstasy. Unfortunately, I was recently diagnosed with HIV, but the doctors aren't sure when I contracted it. Be sure to get yourself to the free clinic to check yourself out, you fucking faggot.

Anonymous said...

this is funny and the best part is that Tucker actually left a comment here since he must be butthurt. As someone wrote above, "Fuck you if you can't take a joke."

Anonymous said...

I'm laughing my ass off! The best part is the fact that Tucker was so upset that he actually posted a comment here, which just proves that this blog pisses him off!

Anonymous said...

This story is surprisingly easy to masturbate to! I want to read more stories about Tucker and the hot studs he's hooked up with over the years