Tuesday, January 31, 2006

Picture of Max Looking Like A Douchebag

Look at this classy picture of Tucker Max. Does he look like a douchebag in this picture or what? Why is he wearing just an undershirt at a bar? Oh wait, I guess that's because he's unemployed and can't afford a decent shirt. Look at the girl standing next to him. It appears as though his obnoxious shtick was so boring that she's falling asleep. Also, is it just me or does he look like he's got an enormous head and a disproportionately tiny torso?

Sunday, January 29, 2006

The "Tucker Max" Stories

Anyone who has ever visited Tucker Max's website knows about the self-proclaimed "Tucker Max Stories." According to Tucker, these stories are recounts of actual events in which he was involved. They usually involve him being an asshole to women and men, him getting lots of sex with hot women despite his obnoxious behavior, and never suffering any negative repercussions for his outrageous antics. These stories build up Tucker has a total stud who gets away with doing whatever he wants to do regardless of what anyone else thinks about him.

Some visitors to his website take his stories at face value and have deified him as some sort of modern-day sex god. I, on the other hand, strongly believe that his stories are complete horseshit. That dude doesn't get laid with hot women - if he gets any women at all they are almost certainly beastly hogs with no other options.

Here's my own hypothetical "Tucker Max Story." I believe that this story gives a more accurate retelling of what a night on the town with Tucker Max is probably really like:

"Tucker Max's Night At The Manhole

I just experienced a Saturday evening like no other. There was quite a bit of debauchery, hot sex, and vomiting before the unbelievable night was over.

I grabbed a quick bite to eat at the Popeye's fast food chicken restaurant to fill my belly to start out my evening. I then returned to my studio apartment in the Boys Town section of Chicago at around 7:00 PM and started pounding a couple bottles of Colt 45. Why Colt 45? Because I needed to get drunk fast, and there's nothing chicks like better than a drunken fool who's already plastered by 9 PM on a Saturday evening.

At around 8:30 I headed over to Wrigleyville to the Cubby Bear bar. As I was alone I realized I would need to turn on the charm if I was going to get some chicks. I saw a group of college-aged girls and went in for the kill. I went right up to them and said "Hey bitches! Who is going to suck me off tonight!!!" The girls all got disgusted looks on their faces. Perplexed, I blurted out "Don't you know who I am? I'm Tucker Max!!!" One of the girls, a redhead, replied "I don't know who the fuck you are! Get out of my face, faggot!" I responded "But I have a popular website. I love you!" The redhead called me a faggot again and I walked away. 0 for 1 so far, but the night wasn't over.

I then went up to the bar and ordered a Bud Light. After I received my beer and had a few sips I started feeling a little queasy. Unfortunately the combination of Popeye's chicken, Colt 45, and the Bud Light was not sitting well in my stomach. About 10 second later I started spewing all over the bar and was quickly escorted out of the bar by a couple bouncers who threw me out of the bar and into a big muddy puddle.

I thought to myself, "This night isn't going very well." But the night was still young.

I decided to visit a bar where I was sure to get some action, the Manhole, a gay bar only a couple blocks from my apartment.

I arrived at the Manhole, waited in line for about 15 minutes, paid the cover, and then walked right in. I was immediately greeted by the regulars inside who started chanting my name, repeating "Tucker...Tucker...TUCKER...TUCKER!!!" It felt nice to be so loved.

Phillip and Lance, two nice young men who dance at the Manhole every weekend, came up to me and hugged me. Phillip then went and bought me a Miller Light while Lance grabbed my ass and dragged me out onto the dance floor. Lance was slow-dancing so close to me when Phillips came up behind me with the Miller Light and started grinding his erect penis against my ass. One thing led to another and before I knew it Lance, Phillips, and I were in the second bathroom stall in the Men's room! Being double-teamed by Lance and Phillip felt so good and was incredibly hot for me. Both of them pumped away for what seemed like 30 minutes until dumping their loads inside me. A couple random men also walked into the bathroom and took their turns as well. Within an hour or so, my butthole was holding more "semen" than a battleship!

When they were finally done, I got dressed and limped out of the bar in obvious pain. After arriving at my tiny studio apartment, I turned on my computer and logged into my website, www.tuckermax.com, and typed in a story about how I had spend the evening fucking two hot babes I met at the Cubby Bear. If only the visitors to my website knew the truth!!! Luckily, my secret is safe from those mindless fools."

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

Amazon.com Reviews of Tucker Max's New Book

Has anyone seen the Amazon.com product page for Tucker Max's new "book," I Hope they Serve Beer In Hell? Tucker Max and the retards who kiss his ass have been spamming that page with phony reviews. In case you are wondering how I know that they are phony, click on the link for just about any of the reviewers who gave Tucker a 5-star rating and you'll see that most of them have never before written a review for any other Amazon.com product.

Also, according to the Amazon webpage, this book was supposedly only released a few weeks ago on January 1, 2006. However, 17 of the reviews were written and submitted in December 2005, before the book was even released! Here's a big surprise - all 17 of these reviews give the book the maximum rating of 5 stars.

I have no doubt that Tucker's probably out at a random bar right now bragging to some skank/fat chick about how well the sales of his book are doing and pointing out that almost all of the Amazon.com reviewers give it 5-stars. That is really sad! Tucker is actually such a loser that he has to spam the Amazon product page in a pathetic attempt to fool some random shopper into believing that his book is a good read and worth purchasing.

Tucker strikes me as being the type of moronic slacker whose family paid for all of his college and law school bills, allowing him to graduate with no loans. However, despite given all the opportunities in the world to make something of himself, Max has thrown them all away to be a complete fuck-up.

Sunday, January 22, 2006

Angry post from Tucker Max's ex-girlfriend

The following message was posted on Cloud Starchaser's blog. This message was supposedly written by someone named Erin Tyler who used to date Tucker Max. The poster wrote that this message was originally posted in Tucker Max's forums but was quickly deleted by the image-conscious Tucker Max:

Last night Tucker blew me off. Again.
I went insane. I cut off all my hair with kitchen scissors like Frida Khalo. Today I examined the fallout (actually quite cute and flippy. I am good at everything). I also thought, "Bunny... there is something terribly awry. Why are you so angry? Why have you become a bitter and horrible person since you met Tucker?"
Today, while I'm working, Tucker is hovering over me asking me the same question.
I have decided to make an itemized list of reasons why I might want to cut off all my hair like a rape victim.
[Note: This is truly humiliating. If anyone were to make a medicine to cure low self-esteem, I'd take it in spades; I'd do the 10k walk for closet self-loathers, and wear the empty wine bottle lapel pin. I wish to God these FACTS were fabricated or embellished, but the awful truth is that they are not. I only hope this helps the other girls who don't like themselves].
What it is like to date Tucker Max…
-You will get fried chicken for your birthday. Later that night when you both go to a bar, you will want a diet coke, but won’t get one because that is one less beer that he can drink.
-He will hang up on your favorite aunt, and be stunned when you get upset that he referred to your mother as “that fucking bitch” because she called you at a late hour.
-He will scream at you because you don’t like the instant coffee he bought you.
-He will never kiss you, and barely fuck you, even if you beg him to for months. You are now the Virgin Mary. He will still try to coerce crazy whores into coming to Chicago to fuck him. He will kiss them because they are whores, and don’t you know that you’re only supposed to give good passionate sex to women that you don’t know or give a shit about? I didn’t know that either.
-He will make sure you know that you aren’t very hot, only sort of cute, and that your head is too big for the rest of your body. You also have unattractive dark circles under your eyes and your tits are too small. He will never compliment you.
-You will be bi-sexual and okay with him sleeping with other women, but this will not be enough. He needs freedom.
-If he is an insensitive asshole to you, it is only because you are selfish. You should understand that his parents sucked and now you have to pay for this. How this is logical, I’m not really sure.
-When he has major surgery you will not leave his side. You will spend day night waiting on him hand and foot, making sure he is comfortable and well cared for. You will even wipe his ass when he takes a shit. Later he will tell you that it was all unnecessary. He didn’t need or want you to be there.
-When he is supposed to pick you up and take you to a party, he will get black-out drunk and fuck some girl instead of showing up.
-He will tell you he loves you and wants to have children with you. When you then get pregnant, he will say that he has about two to four more years of drinking and whoring left to do, so a baby isn’t in the cards. He will coerce you into an abortion by threatening to give away your dog if you try to have the child. Then he will be evasive so that you will be forced to dump him and he can get off scot-free.
-When you get upset about this, he will tell you that you are over-emotional. When you try to explain how this hurts, he will ignore you till you find yourself screaming and breaking things. He will explain these outbursts to his drinking buddies as so: “Yeah she’s fucking crazy. She flips out on me like every third day.”
-When you go to stay with your parents (read: bawl day and night) for two weeks, he will fuck other women in your bed. The night you return he will try to go out with a whore he’s just met and wonder why you’re upset about that. He needs his freedom.
-When you are at your parents, he won’t take your calls. Instead he will spend his time e-mailing some whore. Later, he will not stop e-mailing this same whore, because all whores come before your feelings even if the whores are half as attractive and barely capable of forming cogent sentences.
-When his ex-girlfriend dies and then comes back to life, you will nurse him through the depression. You will even be fine with her coming to stay at your own fucking apartment so that he can decide which of you he wants. This is so that you can be fair to both of them because you are a good person… unlike them.
-Later on you will catch him telling this covert bitch who pretended to be nice to you that he is only keeping you around because you are willing to support him financially. They will laugh at you behind your back for being “over-emotional.” Oh how silly you are!
-When Tucker bounces back from his depression you will not be needed anymore. You will just hand over the keys to his car and not say a word when he drives it all over Chicagoland while black-out drunk.
-When girls come to the apartment, he will become “Cooooool Tucker Max.” He will dress and act differently. He will be an asshole to you. Why are you upset? Don’t you know “this is the Tucker Max show?” This pathetic statement is his actual quote.
-And finally (though I could write pages and pages of this horrible shit): When you’ve been stood up by the very first date you’ve planned in a year, you will call Tucker and ask to hang out with him. He will not come pick you up in YOUR OWN FUCKING CAR, because HE lost your license the night before and you won’t be able to get into the club he's going to. When you ask if it’s possible to go anywhere else he will refuse because there are free drinks and whores in said club. Whores are very special. Much more special than the woman that did all the above things out of unconditional love FOR A FUCKING YEAR!

Friday, January 20, 2006

Anybody out there know a good story about Tucker Max?

Tucker Max has posted many stories on his website about he's had sex with tons of women, treated them all pretty shitty, and been a dick to pretty much everyone else. However, it seems as though we've only been getting half of the story.

There must be someone out there who has something negative to say about Tucker Max. There has to be someone who's had an unpleasent experience with him in the past. Whomever you are, please post them here! The Internet world needs to know the truth about Tucker. There's no reason why this tool should be able to talk himself up the way he does without his detractors letting the truth about him be known.

Regale us with your true-life Tucker Max stories!

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

Tucker's nemesis, "Cloud Starchaser"

There's a very strange young man who apparently hates Tucker Max for backing off of some sort of wager about who will be the first to successfully pitch a television show idea to Hollywood execs or something like that. This young man calls himself "Cloud Stormchaser" for some reason unbeknownst to me.

Anyway, Cloud has been hounding Tucker for the past couple months for a meeting to discuss things. Tucker wants nothing to do with Cloud, but Cloud is very persistent, pissing Tucker off all the way. For example, Cloud posted Tucker's cell phone number in a post on his blog. Cloud was also banned from the message boards at Tucker's website because he was poking too much fun at Tucker, making Tucker look like a tool. He also tried to talk to Tucker at a bar in NY were Tucker is supposedly a minority owner. At this bar Cloud got in a streetfight with some tool from Tucker's messaage boards who calls himself "Kungfu Mike." Depsite the tough name, Kungfu Mike fought Cloud to a draw. I think Cloud would have taken Kungfu if Kungfu's tubby friend hadn't intervened. You can check out the fight at this website.

Anyway, be sure to check out Cloud's blog for more info about what a tool Tucker Max is. This is what Cloud looks like:

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Tucker Max is a douchebag

I recently discovered the website TuckerMax.com where an unemployed man, Tucker Max, posts stories about himself and his sexual exploits. Max (shown in the picture on the left) has posted numerous stories on his website about getting piss drunk to the point of vomiting, being an asshole to women and everyone in general, having lots of sex, and being a huge dickhead. I suggest you check out his website to judge for yourself exactly how much of a tool he really is.

Max's stories, while somewhat funny at first glance, quickly get old. The worst part is that even though they are obviously completely fabricated, Max pretends that they actually happened in pathetic attempt to build himself up as a self-professed "stud."

Max has also written three "books," if you can even call them that. One is a book of pick-up lines and the other two are supposedly reshashes of the same bullshit stories he posts on his website. If you look at the reviews for these books on amazon.com, you'll see that they have an inordinate number of 5-star reviews from people who have never before reviewed any other amazon.com products. These are clearly fake reviews submitted by Max and/or the group of retards who kiss his ass on message boards on his website. How pathetic. I'd be surprised if some of the guys who frequent his website haven't already had man-on-man gay sex with him.

What's even more pathetic is that Max is at least 30 and yet still gets drunk every weekend and hangs out at frat houses with kids barely half his age (these frat parties are probably huge "sausage-fests"). What a pathetic loser! If he reads this blog, I'm sure he'll post a comment that "I'm just jealous of him," or some crap like that. I can honestly say I'm not even remotely jealous - I'm just disgusted at how much of a douchebag he is. There's nothing more pathetic than a pompous blowhard.