The story below was copied from a
Facebook.com account. A link to this story in the comments to an older post awhile ago.
Tucker Max's face, meet Megan ******'s hand
Megan was discussing ball shaving with a nice man at a tailgate. Good start to this story;) NE ways, Tucker Max was also at the tailgate and started talking shit to Megan (he obviously thought she was a hot girl who would sleep w/ him if acted like an asshole, and he was showing off in front of his buddies). Megan hit him on the arm, and he said that meant Megan wanted to fuck him because if she hit him in the face, then he'd know she was mad. She then dissed his elastic waistband (yes, he was wearing elastic waistband shorts, what is he, 12?), and he said "its so stupid bitch whores like you can suck my dick without any confusion." So she slapped him in the face!!!
Tucker threw his drink at her, Candice threw her drink at Tucker with lightning fast reflexes, then he proceeded to grab Megan by her hair and hit her in the face with his pathetically small hands. With a bruised face, and a bruised ego, he took his shriveled penis back to his buddies.
In Tucker Max's own words, "My name is Tucker Max, and I am an asshole." Oh, and he hits girls.
15,917 comments:
«Oldest ‹Older 15201 – 15400 of 15917 Newer› Newest»"Tucker and Nils paid themselves out of the $6m he raised for the movie. I'd say a generous estimate is that they each took $250k. On top of that, Tucker's probably smart enough to have made sure he had a little money put aside in case things went sour. How else could he afford to travel to Cancun and buy a (probably used) Range Rover, even while his investors are scratching their heads, trying to figure out where all their money went?
Let's remember that he's a selfish dickhole- you know he's going to look out for number one above all else."
There just aren't word to articulate how retarded you are. Tucker and Nils took zero dollars out of the six million in exchange for points on the movie. Tucker made no decisions about where money was spent. He said as much himself. They're also not part of the writer's guild, so they have absolutely no protection.
You seriously think Tucker is smarter than the sharks in Hollywood?
What's worse:
Being Tucker Max, fucking tons of college pussy, screwing people over but profiting to the tune of 200G plus per year?
Being a Freak Safari member but not mentioning Tucker on the board because IamRob is too big of a pussy to face why he was de-modded, having to resort to an anonymous comments section where you take out all your frustrations?
It's so sad that Freak Safari was founded on a hatred for Tucker. That's all they have in common besides being extraordinary losers. But they pretend it doesn't eat at them every day while he succeeds and becomes rich.
Anybody see BCWoods youtube videos? I didn't think it was possible to feel sorry for some one to the point of sickness.
BCWoods is the template for every freak safari member. Embarrassing.
At least TiB has great moderators!
What?
"There just aren't word to articulate how retarded you are. Tucker and Nils took zero dollars out of the six million in exchange for points on the movie. Tucker made no decisions about where money was spent. He said as much himself. They're also not part of the writer's guild, so they have absolutely no protection.
You seriously think Tucker is smarter than the sharks in Hollywood?"
No, I don't think Tucker's smarter than Hollywood, but a producer's fee is a part of any movie budget. He even talked about getting his producers' fee- not that anything he says can be trusted.
Look, my point is this: Tucker's not RICH, like his supporters here are trying to argue, but he's obviously not completely DESTITUTE, either, if he's flying here-and-there and buying Range Rovers. I'm just sayin'. I hate the guy, too, but let's just be realistic.
"All you freaks are quick to claim that Tucker lost 12 million. Let's look at the real numbers.
Film cost about 5 million with Tucker and Nils each getting 100k for services with plenty of defered backends. Gosse got 300k. Now subtract tax incentives of 1.2 million and the film is at about 3.8 to make."
Where are you getting these "real" numbers from? I love how you're just assuming and making up random shit without any basis.
Yes everyone will be back to make sequels on a movie that sucked in every way and made no money. Idiot.
"All you freaks are quick to claim that Tucker lost 12 million. Let's look at the real numbers.
Film cost about 5 million with Tucker and Nils each getting 100k for services with plenty of defered backends. Gosse got 300k. Now subtract tax incentives of 1.2 million and the film is at about 3.8 to make."
What. The. Fuck.
This is the worst logic ever used by a human being ever
"Look, my point is this: Tucker's not RICH, like his supporters here are trying to argue, but he's obviously not completely DESTITUTE, either, if he's flying here-and-there and buying Range Rovers. I'm just sayin'. I hate the guy, too, but let's just be realistic."
The point is that it's insane to think that Tucker and Nils made 500k of a 6mil budget, and got points on the movie. You can be certain that the investors aren't "scratching their heads." They know how the game is played.
do NOT make fun of BCwoods. he is our golden child. you will incur the wrath of freak safari if you even think of doing so again.
he had the highest rated Rudius website of all time next to tucker's. then tucker let him go.
i'm surprised tib hasn't tried to poach him yet. he gets killer traffic for freak safari.
BC Woods is a genuinely good and talented guy.
And he and Rob are like bffs, i doubt he's go to that board.
^^^^
Good point, Ken.
What?
Thanks Sporting16w.
Like any terminally insecure person, Tucker lies about his income (mostly, to impress young girls and naive Griffin types), but where is the money? Tucker is a "MySpace" millionaire, where the only currency he owns is the checkbox on myspace that allows poseurs like him to say anything.
The evidence seems to suggest that:
1) He was paid roughly $0.30 per book, and $150K max total.
2) The Rudius blog "empire" had negative cash flow over its lifespan
3) He occasionally makes money from speaking (this is likely the majority of his income), but even if he received 25K from the college of NJ (and any right thinking person is skeptical that the final number will get anywhere near this), that is an outlier, as is the 8K less travel that he received from Ohio St in his most notable speaking engagement at his peak of popularity. Has he done ten of these appearances? No. Is his 15 minutes up? Yes.
4) His "take" on the movie is negative, as he forsook fees of any kind and actually had to invest some of his own money (probably via credit card) to get it made.
These are not "facts", but good educated guesses from an anonymous six figure earner with entertainment dealings who has followed this for two years.
How else does he make money? Most writers are broke, and so is he. With a super expensive lifestyle to boot.
via twitter: "1000+ phone calls and so many texts iPhone crashed twice. Maybe my phone number in the movie wasn't as brilliant as I thought"
He never changes does he? What a raging tool.
What evidence do you have that Tugger has a Range Rover.
Oh yeah, he said he did, and we all know you can take whatever Tugger says to the bank.
He has never exaggerated or lied once.
Oh yeah, Nils is fat.
And TiB sucks cock.
fyi, tucker leased a used car. didnt he get a degree in economics? oh wait, that was a lie. it was ppe.
50 dollars that IHTSBIH is in the "Watch Instantly" part of NetFlix in less than 2 months after it's DVD release?
why the fuck do you guys think he has a range rover? don't you recall the rmmb thread where he asked everyone's opinion and ended up buying a ford explorer.
how do a bunch of guys dedicated to obsessing over one man's life get it wrong so often?
Just took my range rover for service. The mechanic is a really hot woman. Thought that only happened in porn.
3:51 PM Dec 30th, 2009 from Echofon
All bullshit about how rich he is or isn't aside, Tucker's movie fucking sucks. It's like it was written by a Martian who landed here, studied rich douchebags for six months, and wrote a script on a three-day coke bender. How can a human being who has interacted with other human beings for over 30 years know so little about how human beings interact? Jesus fucking Christ, what a piece of shit. It could have survived being unimaginatively directed and acted reluctantly if not for that fucking whale turd of a script. If anyone offered that cunt 10 mil for that thing Hollywood really is about to crumble into the Pacific.
yeah, haven't heard any of Tucker's brilliant projections about "new media" for a while. Seeing as he pretty much turned his back on it. "See dude, internet streaming video and digital content providing is completely a thing of the past. That's so 2007! People want real big paper books in their hand, and want to go wait in line and pay $10 to sit in an uncomfortable seat to see a film."
It's so brilliant you didn't even notice it happening. This blog is a part of it. We're all part of the word of mouth in his secret master plan.
Tucker says: "When it drops, it should be out in pretty much any normal store that sells DVD’s; Target, Best Buy, Blockbuster, etc, etc, as well as of course online."
Remember when Tucker said that the movie would be out in most theaters just like any other movie? That didn't come true, and neither will this.
Will it drop like a deuce?
Tucker's been dipping his balls in butterscotch pudding.
What?
The Battle Hymn of the Obamatons
Barack Hussein Obama is the coming of the Lord!
He has taken o’er the banks where all the cap’t’list wealth is stored,
He runs all the auto comp’nies save those bastards out at Ford!
His lies keep rolling on!
Glory, glory, hallelujah!
Barack Obama is our ruler!
Glory, glory, hallelujah!
His lies keep rolling on!
I have seen Him at the podium ‘fore a thousand sycophants,
They have built Him fine Greek columns lit with million wattage lamps,
He creates a carbon footprint like a herd of elephants:
Hypocrisy marches on.
Glory, glory, hallelujah!
Barack Obama is our ruler!
Glory, glory, hallelujah!
Hypocrisy marches on.
I have heard fiery gospel of his bully Chief of Staff,
"If you criticize my boss then you shall surely feel my wrath!
You’ll be branded as a racist, and your home be burnt to ash.
The Godhead marches on."
Glory, glory, hallelujah!
Barack Obama is our ruler!
Glory, glory, hallelujah!
The Godhead marches on.
He started his career out thinking “ACORN’s really sweet!”
He gave them lots of campaign funds, but He doesn’t know they cheat!
They abet tax fraud and hookers but don’t lay that at his feet!
Barack is marching on.
Glory, glory, hallelujah!
Barack Obama is our ruler!
Glory, glory, hallelujah!
Barack is marching on.
When He speaks His soaring Voice is like the dawning of the day,
Though His mighty TelePrompTer tells Him all the words to say,
He offers many promises, and may get to them someday,
His voice keeps droning on.
Glory, glory, hallelujah!
Barack Obama is our ruler!
Glory, glory, hallelujah!
His voice keeps droning on.
Think about Tucker.
you know what i wonder? did nils have the self awareness to become uncomfortable when the 'fat girls aren't real people' line came up? i mean, he is a fucking obese disgusting fatass... and he co-wrote a script that makes fun of fat people? does he not know he's fat? i bet he wrote teh fucking line himself while devouring 2 12" sausage pizzas, that socially unaware monstrosity of a porker.
"you know what i wonder? did nils have the self awareness to become uncomfortable when the 'fat girls aren't real people' line came up?"
Thanks for the post. I was waiting with a green buck paratrooper who was getting ready for his first deployment, and he read your post and was really excited, and I thought I would share it with you. Trust me. It's awesome.
Saar,
I just saw that Tucker movie and the fat girl's aren't people joke was so funny. . . much funnier than the hangover, and far more realistic. And then I read your post and realized that what Tucker was trying to say all along is that Nils is fat. It just struck me Saar. The fat girl is a metaphor for Nils. And I think that's what the movie was all about. Tucker's 12 Million dollar fat joke on his buddy Nils.
Lt. Dan [redacted]
Tucky's balls in butterscotch pudding aside, this whole movie was just a vanity project for the jackass and nothing more. He thinks that it is such a brilliant example of film making because its all about him. If you had the delusion you were awesome then you would also have the delusion that everything you touched and anything that had to do with you was awesome as well.
He is still claiming that his check will come in because thats all he has left in the world. Perhaps he has another book to be published, after all he has all the material from the RMMB to copy and publish as his own so why not ?
I enjoy listening to all the fanboys who measure a person's success by how much money you have and how many women you pork. Guess what, there are plenty of men around the world that do both things often but they don't feel the need to tell everyone else about it. They don't feel the need to act like a college guy when they are well into their 30's.
This whole story should prove to people that if you have a dream and work hard enough there is a very good chance of it becoming a reality. There is also a very good chance that you can fuck it up in a epic way which is mostly what has happened here.
I am still astonished at the lack of marketing for the DVD and his next book. He repeatedly says that he learns from his mistakes but so far that doesn't seem to be the case.
Griffin posted another tour entry. When will he realize the only thing worse than being Tucker Max is writing about sucking Tucker Max's dick around the country?
eh, whatever. in griffin's defense, he seems to have an ounce of self-awareness and his writing has improving.
in summation, he's less of a faggot but still a faggot
"his writing has improving"
*clap, clap, clap*
doesn't not neither fraiding of any
PEN15
come back BIFF
-When it drops, it should be out in pretty much any normal store that sells DVD’s; Target, Best Buy, Blockbuster, etc, etc, as well as of course online.
And by "should" he means "won't".
- No Blu-ray: There will be no Blu-Ray of this movie, at least not right now. If the DVD sells really well, then we will not only do a Blu-Ray, but we’ll add a commentary track with me and Nils (and maybe even the real SlingBlade, which would be funny as hell).
And by "Which would be funny as hell" he means "when hell freezes over".
-Added value on the DVD: The DVD does have deleted scenes from the movie. I have to be honest, I haven’t even seen the deleted scenes as they are laid out on the DVD yet, but I have seen them all in the editing room, and like pretty much all deleted scenes–they are deleted for a reason.
Because they sucked 30 donkey dicks worth of fucking suck-jizm. As opposed to the average 20 donkey dicks worth of suck-wad that the other scenes that actually made it into the movie were made of.
I will have an update about my next book, Assholes Finish First, probably on Tuesday or Wednesday. I am in NYC right now meeting with my publisher to sort out final details.
Wrote that on Monday, it's now Friday. Guess what didn't happen.
No blu-ray? People behind this project must really believe in it. Or more like, just trying to cut their losses.
Griffin's new book:
A RIDE TO REMEMBER: My time being being treated like a cheap slut on Tuckers stupid bus
tucker fail max has to suck random cock just to afford food money since his dvd hit
I think the funniest part of the whole post-movie fiasco is that Fox gets a 50% cut of every DVD that Tucker sells.
(Cough... Fox... Cough)
haters. this movie will sell a shitload. you will see.
go back to your parents basements and eat some more hot pockets.
I LIKE HOT POCKETS
- BIFF!!!
Keep thinking about Tucker.
I am thinking about Tucker fucking Nils up the ass, ripping his anal wall and Nils slowly bleeding to death out his ass while Tugger pretends to have his buddy videotape it.
@1:06
Girls BBS is a bulletin board site dedicated to waiting for God wait for God to save the girl away from home! Chance to meet with the runaway girl Free Registration
Is that where Tucker posts now?
i just watched this movie. it made "Sex Drive" look like "Citizen Kane."
The movie was horrible. It made Dane Cook look like Richard Pryor. Just not funny at all.
Tucker will be on loveline with doctor drew on Monday night. Anyone want to call in? ;)
I'm too lazy. But I'll think about it. And about Tucker.
I know Tucker likes to preview speechs for his fans. Has he released his Oscar speech?
Man, this was a shitty movie. It made Pocket Ninjas look like Chinatown.
I didn't really like this film. It made JaMarcus Russell look like Joe Namath.
I didn't care for this flick. It made Let's go to Prison look like The Shawshank Redemption.
Yeah, someone needs to call 'Loveline'. Fo' real.
Because this movie was so bad, it made 'School of Rock' look like 'Dead Poets Society'.
STFU haterz! You're just pissed that Tucker gets more pussy than you AND got a movie made! Stop talking until you can at least do the same you fucking haterz (and shit)!
"Fat girls aren't real people" Nils writes into MS-Word, as he finishes his 11th Whopper since Wednesday. Ever since he met his wife on the internet, and his best friend, Tucker, on a message board, things have been really looking up for the lonely fat kid they called Nils Porker. He's no longer the kid who ran a 18 minute mile in phys ed. Here he is, king of the world - internet queen in tow - with a hit screenplay under his [redacted size] belt.
"This movie is going to be huge", Tucker IMs to Nils. Tucker is a true friend, Nils mentally notes. Things are really starting to look up for the fat kid who grew up to become fatter.
"God, I'm such an alpha male. I could probably be in the UFC and then beat everyone in chess." Nils didn't try out for the special forces like his and tucker's alter ego, Nick Sadler, because Nils is diabetic. However, his shooting accuracy is not up for debate.
"No one fucks with Nils Parker," Nils writes as an easter egg in the screenplay.
The kids who made fun of Nils were wrong. He's not fat. Sure, it seems silly that he wrote 'Fat girls aren't real people,' being that he weighs about 400 lbs. Even if he were husky, as doctors might claim, he said fat GIRLS, not fat guys, so he isn't a hypocrite at all. So it doesn't count. He certainly is not making fun of himself. Do the semantic calculation, IDIOTS.
*Nils will be back, he currently has to watch UFC 100 and explain to his girlfriend why the professional fighter isn't throwing punches with technical skill. The marriage is failing, but he's a star now, so women are a dime a dozen. Fuck her. She was an IDIOT anyway.
-
at the end of the day, tucker is a scary little 5'9 sociopath who fooled some people into following/believing his retarded, delusional, fabricated, semi-shenanigans.
my favorite thing about the nils-tucker dynamic is how they are both lacking in such self-awareness that when they combine forces, they form this exponential megatron of human calamity. they were meant for each other.
and you know nils secretly thinks he's smarter, faster, stronger, more manly, tougher, and funnier than tucker. you know he's just being a beta pussy, passively riding the fail train until the bitter end.
mediocrity and delusion can get you pretty far in this world, apparently, but not as far as nils is willing to travel to eat 3 triple cheeseburgers at 10 AM.
man, that movie really sucked. all jokes aside, it should have never ever been accepted by any professional company run by conscious humans. nothing redeemable about it at all, the movie made me feel like i was back in high school, sitting in the principals office waiting to get yelled at. you start to sweat a little but it's not really hot. you arent really sorry for what you did, you are just sorry you got caught. that is how i feel about tucker's movie. i feel disgusted, angry, sorry, not that i watched it, but that it fucking existed. humans arent this dumb, so this had to make sense in someone's head other than tucker's. i just cannot figure out the alien logic.
bunny's book was good though. kung fu mike's screenplay was better.
^^^ haha awesome
this movie was so bad that it made Vulgar the Clown look like Killer Clowns From Outer Space.
This movie was so bad that 'Beer in Hell' the book is entertaining by comparison.
You are acuteness on acquire stumbling upon a goldmine coruscating to be picked and profited from! Yes indeedy!
btw when the fuck are we going to nuke china so as to shut them up. 95% of all spam and cyberattacks in the world right now originate in chin-chin.
The movie was so bad that it almost made Tugger's lies seem like fact.
Does Nils rhyme with pills or peels?
peels. Kneels.
I've heard Tucker say it that way in an interview.
This movie was so bad it made Highlander II look like Highlander I
New huge Tucker Max announcement coming this Friday. Stay tuned you haters. You're going to cry and shit your pants all at once.
this movie was so bad it made "Joey" look like "Friends"
this movie was so bad thats its really fucking shitty
The movie is so bad it made Freak Safari look like TiB.
So the DVD is out today, along with a new interview in which Tucker lies a lot and acts like a douchebag:
http://www.movieweb.com/news/NEDnZFFFzLoHHL
SPOILER: He now claims to have sold 1.2 million copies of IHTSBIH.
"New huge Tucker Max announcement coming this Friday. Stay tuned you haters. You're going to cry and shit your pants all at once."
Do not email me about this people
This movie's comedy is so forced it makes prison rape seem consensual.
This movie's so bad it makes this thread look like high-quality intellectual discussion.
This movie's so bad it makes my nosehairs not tickle.
This movie's so bad it makes IHTSBIH the book the novel of the year.
This movie's so bad it makes Griffin look like a master of conciseness and clear wording.
This movie's so bad it makes "nice try mcbeefsmoker" seem like a funny joke.
This movie's so bad it makes Chinese spam interesting.
This movie's so bad it makes fat American chicks look as hot as Ukrainians.
This movie's so bad it makes anti-semites seem calm and rational.
Hey, this is a pretty good article on narcissism:
http://canadafreepress.com/index.php/article/19318
this is a repeat story and totally made up. nice try, Mcbeefsmoker.
this is a repeat poast and totally a copy. nice try, Mcpoastsmoker.
This is a horrible attempt at grammar, and totally asinine. Nice try, Mcgrammarsmoker.
ALAS THE DAY OF RECKONING IS UPON US! BOW BEFORE THE ROLLING GRAVY TRAIN ON BISCUIT WHEELS THAT IS IHTSBIH!
HI I AM BIFF BUT I DONT UNDERSTAND HOW TO SMOAK GRAMMAR?????IS THIS A GRIFFIN JOKE? CUZ I DONT GET THOSE
SMOKED MEAT W/GRAVY AND BISCUITS IS GOOD THO
IM HUNGRY, BRB
- BIFF!!!
Sound familiar Tucker??
"I have a million Twitter followers and they’re all very excited. So that’s at least a million people right there. It also takes time. I don’t expect it to be instant. Maybe it’s the biggest album in a couple months? Maybe it’s the biggest album in a year?"
"I think people might not see it now, because it’s my first album coming out. But I’ve spent as much time–maybe more, even–than Thriller."
~ Heidi Montag on her new album
Tucker Max is the Heidi Montag of indie films.
tucker doesn't have heidi's talent or media savvy. love her or hate her, people are interested enough to keep her relevant. whereas tucker, people just hate him, and he's irrelevant.
do not email ryan holiday about this, people.
It made IHTSBIH look like The Hangover.
Holy shit! Beer in Hell already back ordered on Amazon and has cracked the Top 100 DVDs in sales.
It appears the inevitable is happening. Theaters were not cut out for Tucker's marketing strategy. DVD is.
Tucker's epic failure was short lived. He's back in the game.
Best thing I've seen posted on the imdb boards:
"As for the Oscar thing, Tucker talked several times about how people were whispering 'best adapted screenplay Oscar' in his direction. He really thought people were going to be bowled over by the brilliant, subtle, clever, multi-level dialogue, and reward him for it. You have to understand, Tucker doesn't see reality for what it is- his worldview is inherently broken. He sees an Oscar-winning movie; the world sees a movie that garnered a 22% RT score (a score that can't be manipulated by his fans or his haters). He saw a $200-million-dollar blockbuster; the world saw a movie that was worth less than one-fourth its shooting budget."
Well done BarryBater...
"Holy shit! Beer in Hell already back ordered on Amazon and has cracked the Top 100 DVDs in sales."
Big fucking whoop. On the week of release - when sales volumes are likely to be at their highest - it's at #98 in the sales chart. The piece of shit hit, what, top 30 at the US box office when in theaters, and still bombed like the fucking Enola Gay.
Don't lose your muck over this, fanboy: this is Tucker Max II - The Fail Continues...
^^^^^^^^^
7:07=sarcasm?
If so, I like it.
If not, hahahahahahahahahahahahahahah
It isn't as if #100 on Amazon is indicative of gigantic sales; as we speak he is being outsold by preorders of such box office blockbusters as "Young Victoria" and "Little Ashes". The "5 Million" copies sold in order for Tucker to crow about this as a success is as far away as his delusional $200 million dollar theatrical gross.
look at all you haters trying to spin this negatively
pathetic
Good day fellow haters. I'm shocked to see that your little comments section has grown to a healthy 16000 posts. I have not been here for months but the dvd release unearthed old memories.
I'm pretty aware of Tucker's fate since the movie's release. I was shocked to see Rudius was shut down.
What are KungFu Mike, Bunny, SLF, Jojo, Trixie, and the whole other cast of characters up to these days?
And who is this Griffin guy?
Look at all you Tucker-slurpers, trying to spin a #100 ranking on Amazon into Tucker being 'back in the game'.
Pathetic.
Heidi Montag has boobs.
Nice ones.
What were we talking about?
Oh yeah. Heidi's boobs.
Mmm.
HEIDIBOOBAGE
http://thesuperficial.com/2010/01/heidi_montag_and_her_giant_new.php
mmmmm
MMMMMMMMMMMMMM
boobsicalicious
boingboobs
boobarama
boobies boobies boobies
OH HEIDI YES YES YES
Haterz. Hiya. I haven't seen you since well before Turkey day. Lovin the fact that you're still goin strong. IHTSBIH popped up on my PPV list today and I remembered you...
Glad to be back. Did I miss anything major? Do I need to read all 6k new posts or has it been quiet?
A window into insanity: http://twitter.com/bunnyblog
The DVD is already discounted to $15.00 and I'm not seeing it listed in the top 100
i wonder how much of tucker's budget went towards buying massive amounts of his own dvd on amazon and then reselling it? you know he is buying it by the thousands to create artificial sales numbers and fake hype, and then selling it back used. you just know it. thats what he did with his book, so it had to be part of his plan here too.
Heidi Montag's boobs:
Round.
Smooth.
Creamy pink.
This is IMPORTANT, people!
Not in the Top 100????
From Amazon
#28 in Movies & TV > Comedy
Hahahahahaha PWND faggots
Yeah in the category COMEDY which is actually down from where it was the other day at 21.
Uh oh.
How is #28 for a brand new release anything to brag about?
Recent review from dvdfile.com:
I have a rule regarding books. And no, that rule is not "don’t read them". It's this: If a movie was made about a book, see the movie. Never read the book. If I can get through it in two hours, I can move on to other things.
That being said, we all know there is an exception to every rule, and this movie is the exception to mine.
I had heard of the book I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell a while ago. I perused the back of the book, and flipped through a few pages. It seemed like a book I would actually be interested in. Then I heard that a movie was being made about it. Ergo: Screw the book!! I do love me some offensive humor and this was right up my alley.
Except the movie is terribly done. It is based on only one of the stories from the book and is so boring I couldn’t wait for it to be over.
The film stars Matt Czuchry as Tucker Max, the author of the original book, screenwriter and star of the story. He convinces his friend Dan (Geoff Stults) that a particular strip club is the perfect setting for his bachelor party. The entire trip is a rouse to satisfy Max’s sexual desires and fantasies. Dan ends up in the drunk tank, and nearly ruins his chance at getting married. Max, after originally taking no responsibility for his own actions, attempts to reconcile with Dan after being uninvited to the ceremony.
Not only is the movie boring, and its jokes not at all funny, but Max comes off as completely unlikable and the worst friend in the history of time. And the fact that he relishes in this role, tells these stories and writes this screenplay proves that he is a despicable human being with no concern for anyone but himself. Including those he considers his best friends. If I ever get the chance to meet him, I will feel the urge to punch him squarely in the face.
Now I know what you’re thinking. How can this be bad? Boozing!! Strippers!! Woooo!! Avoid this film at all costs. It’s 105 minutes of your life you will never get back. We’ve all seen movies where crazy things happen at bachelor parties. You're better off renting Bachelor Party again.
So, it's a good movie then?
Please sir yes sir I would liek a movie of Heidi's boobsnesses sir
He's truly become delusional. Do you think it is a medical condition?
http://www.movieweb.com/news/NEDnZFFFzLoHHL
exerpts:
"It kind of developed organically, out of who I am as a person. I put up the website and Hollywood came calling almost immediately. This is so funny. Let's do a TV show, let's do this, let's do that. I kind of came into Hollywood, not as someone who self-identified as a writer. I mean, I'm a number 1 best-selling author and I still don't really self-identify as a writer, in a lot of ways. I came in from a law and business background so I looked at this process I was going through. I went through the same process that everyone else went through. Well, it was actually probably easier than most people, since I had an established brand and I came from outside of the system, but the whole system was just f*%&ed up. It was corrupt and it just treated art the wrong way and screwed the people who actually made the art in favor of a bunch of executives and agents who didn't actually do anything. Why are they making money? They don't do anything (Laughs). It took me a couple of years. We were supposed to do a TV show with 20th Century Fox and I ended up backing out because I wouldn't do it the way they wanted to do it. I had a deal with Comedy Central and I ended up backing out again because I couldn't get the creative control I wanted and they wanted to do some stupid shit with it. Nils and I realized the only way we were going to do anything the way we wanted it to be, was to do it ourselves. You can't do anything yourself on TV... unless you have a LOT of money, but you can do an independent movie. We wrote the script and, you know, it's actually quite impossible to get an independent movie financed. We actually had no problem at all. We had multi-million dollar offers for the script from the studios. Of course I'm not going to do that because you're just in the same boat as you are with TV. Since all these people wanted to do it, all the independent financiers wanted to do it. You know Hollywood, it's just like high school. Whoever is pretty and popular, everyone wants to be with. We got it financed and Darko Entertainment gave us the deal we wanted. They let us, essentially, do whatever we wanted creatively, within the budget they had. That's how we wanted to do the deal."
"Yeah, it's called Assholes Finish First and it's the same general kind of stuff that's in Beer In Hell. I mean, I've sold 1.2 million copies of I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell. I'm not going to reinvent the wheel for number two. I'm going to ride this train a little bit longer before I try something new."
From the same interview
http://www.movieweb.com/news/NEDnZFFFzLoHHL
Tucker has no future in Hollywood (aside from 7-11 or Mcdonalds).
"Well, Nils and I would love to do sequels. Originally, we planned out four movies, four total. This first one didn't do that great theatrically because we didn't get a great release or great marketing. All sorts of things can happen in movies sometimes. I think it's going to do really really well on DVD and if it does, we'll definitely make the sequels. Otherwise, Nils, I know, is working on a couple of scripts for people. Actual people actually paid him to rewrite scripts because he's a ridiculously good writer. I'm just working on my book right now. He and I actually do have one other script we finished and it's f&^%ing amazing but we're afraid to shop it because I don't think anyone will make it. It's so ridiculous and so over the top... I don't know. I'm just working on the book right now."
"Actual people actually paid him"
as opposed to the imaginary people you make up who give you imaginary monopoly money for your imaginary 1.2 million sales, right tucks?
Remember:
When shit hit the fan,
the Goons caved and ran.
1/26/10 NEVAR FORGET
Oh fuck... Tucker baby, please start submitting OC/DC. I cannot wait for that piece of shit to get leaked.
Round, firm, yet yielding
Glorious founts of goodness
Truly Heidiesque!
Not even in the top 100 torrent movie downloads. pathetic.
as mentioned b4, Heidi Montag is far more successful than Tucker but still funny to see their similarities:
I’ve spent over $1 million, almost $2 million, on this album. It’s cost as much or more than a Britney Spears album because I wanted it to be that quality.
When asked what she would do if the album flopped, Montag said, “That’s not even a possibility. I think within the first week we will definitely make our money back. The songs will make an impact in pop history.”
You fucking faggots.
DVD sales are rolling in. First printing of Beer in Hell DVDs. 1,000,000. Percentage delivered to Amazon 20%. Therefore, units already sold 200,000.
Looks like someone just made his money back.
Faggots.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Wait.
I know nothing about movies, but I know math.
$12 mil in costs.
- $1.5 mil in box office.
ASSUMING YOUR NUMBERS ARE CORRECT (I don't know whose ass you pulled them out of but let's just pretend they're legit for now):
200K * $15 = $3 mil
$15 is the price point listed on Amazon. Even plugging in their "crossed-out" price point, $23, gives just $4.6 mil. But you can bet Amazon is not paying $23 to Fox for bulk DVD orders. So $15 or less will serve as a fair limit.
So the movie is still at least $7.5 mil in the hole. Probably more.
Assuming your numbers are correct.
But Heidi Montag's boobs are very very nice.
I read elsewhere (was it Biscuits?) that the distributor takes an 80% cut from the DVD sales. It will take a lot of units sold to pay off the production costs. Also, approximately half of the 1.5 million box office receipts goes to the theater, leaving a larger gaping financial hole.
200,000 DVD's sold at Amazon? I wonder about that figure since the DVD is only #145 in the Movies & TV section.
^^^ think about it, dipshit.
There are 300 million people in america. If 1% of those buy ihtsbih that makes for 3 million people.
$15 x 3 million = 45 million.
Take out the cuts of around 60% then that still leaves 18 million AND THATS JUST USA. There is still world sales.
"^^^ think about it, dipshit.
There are 300 million people in america. If 1% of those buy ihtsbih that makes for 3 million people.
$15 x 3 million = 45 million.
Take out the cuts of around 60% then that still leaves 18 million AND THATS JUST USA. There is still world sales."
Do you really think 1% of Americans are going to buy this movie? Really? You know, less than 200,000 people went and saw the movie- now, you expect 15 times that number to knock themselves out buying the DVD?
As for 'world sales', the movie hit exactly two international markets- Canada and the UK- and performed miserably in both. I'm sure the world community is going to just start buying up tons of comedies of an American comedy that wasn't even in their country's theaters.
Your logic is the same logic that indicated that the movie COULD have done well in theaters. "If everyone sees it, and brings one friend, and if each friend brings one friend...." Well, we saw how well that worked out. Now, you're talking about how well the movie COULD do in the DVD market, "if everyone buys a copy, and tells their friend, and every friend buys a copy..." We'll see how well that pans out.
Currently, the DVD is 139th on Amazon. I'm thinking that 3 million units is a long way off.
^^^^
come on, homo. use some logic.
1 Spider-Man (12.7 million discs sold)
2 Lotr: Fellowship of the Ring (12.2)
3 Monsters Inc (12.0)
4 Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone (10.1)
5 Shrek (9.8)
6 Star Wars Episode II (9.2)
7 My Big Fat Greek Wedding (8.6)
8 Pearl Harbor (8.4)
9 The Matrix (8.3)
10 Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (7.9)
These are estimated sales for 2003 best-selling dvds. Big Fat Greek Wedding sold 8.6 million. You think a movie about a fat hairy bitch is going to outsell a college classic? 10 million dvds is easily manageable. That's 150 million dollars. So much money they wont even know what to do with it all.
This movie is going to make BANK.
end. of. story.
^^^ You think 'Beer In Hell' is a college classic? Have you even been FOLLOWING this trainwreck?! HE PERSONALLY TOOK THE MOVIE TO THE COLLEGE DEMOGRAPHIC, AND STILL COULDN'T GET THE WORD-OF-MOUTH HE NEEDED. THINK, dummy. Just THINK.
Look at the movies you listed! You honestly think 'Beer in Hell' is on their level?! Nobody knows about this movie! Do you have any idea how many DVDs come out every year?!
You're one of the idiots who though 'Beer in Hell' was going to outperform 'The Hangover'. I can tell.
i am 100 percent certain that the guy arguing that 'beer in hell' is going to sell 10 million copies is just egging you fuckers on. nobody could seriously be that dumb.
do NOT email me about this people.
3:39, you are a fucking moron, lol.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lVbigz83fUA
Wow. Now Tucker claims he's sold 1.5 million books. A few days ago, he did an interview where he said 1.2 million. He's sold 300,000 copies in just a few days.
That's impressive.
Pretty soon he'll be telling us he's sold 5 million DVDs.
Amazon.com Sales Rank: #154 and dropping in Movies & TV
Amazon.com Sales Rank for Comedy: 29th and dropping.
Numbers of copies that NetFlix is stocking per region (there are 8 regions): 2 copies per major region, 1 per minor for a total of 11 copies.
Rank for "On-Demand" PPV viewing (released the same day on PPV as the DVD was released): 83rd.
Tucker Max Fail.
Keep thinking about Tucker you stupid faggots.
don't feed the trolls, idyits.
think about Heidi
and her boobs
very pleasant
Amazon.com Sales Rank: #126
#25 in Movies & TV > Comedy
On its way up. Review scores are up. Look like word of mouth momentum is working. Here goes the real build.
Looks like you fucking queers were wrong. fags.
Hmm, Vanilla Ice's film "Cool as Ice" also cost about $6,000,000 to be made, and grossed less than a million in theatrical release.
Of course those were 1991 dollars.
Cool as Ice has become a cult classic in its badness; I suppose Tucker's film might also. Wish he'd starred in it. . .
Yes, this is the danger: so many people have heard how incredibly bad it is, that it will make a profit from the curious and lovers of crappy cinema, like TROLL 2 or THE ROOM.
you should all be eager for the project to succeed! Tucker hasn't risen nearly high enough to make his fall very spectacular. We should wish at least a reality-star level of success on him, so that his eventually decline into alcoholism and death will be more notable and interesting.
You fuckers need to shut up about Heidi Montag's hard rock titties; as someone who possesses a real and glorious set, I can tell you they ain't got nothing on mine :-)
--old school Bunny harasser
post pics or stfu
@4:28
TUCKER, IS THAT YOU?
>.<
Do NOT disboobify the vision of shapely boobtion that is Heidiboobs.
I'm actually rooting for sequels. It was fun to see IHTSBIH crash and burn, and it'll be fun seeing TM fail in a new way.
Starting with him trying to spin why none of the cast/crew is returning.
b/c they are looking at Heidi's boobs
and forgot
Assholes Finish First Press Announcment---Tucker really should stop writing his own press releases--amateur hour.
GALLERY BOOKS TO PUBLISH TUCKER MAX'S NEW BOOK
NEW YORK, January 28, 2010 - Gallery Books, an imprint of Simon &
Schuster, announced today that it will publish Tucker Max's new book,
ASSHOLES FINISH FIRST, on September 28, 2010.
Tucker Max's first book, I HOPE THEY SERVE BEER IN HELL, is a #1 NY
Times Best Seller and has spent over 150 weeks on that list over five
calendar years. There are currently over 1.2 million copies sold.
Max co-wrote and produced the movie based on his book, also titled "I
Hope They Serve Beer In Hell." He has been credited as the originator
and leader of the literary genre, "fratire," and was nominated to Time
Magazine's 100 Most Influential List in 2009.
Tucker Max received his BA with highest honors from the University of
Chicago in 1998. He attended Duke Law School on an academic scholarship,
where he graduated with a JD in 2001 (despite the fact that he neglected
to buy any of his textbooks for his final two years and spent part of
one semester-while still enrolled in classes-living in Cancun). He
currently lives in Austin, Texas, and can be reached through is website,
TuckerMax.com.
Sept 28?
Wow. ... I admit I am surprised they went for it. That is not much time, it must mean he has something nearly done and ready for them. I wonder how much of it is stuff pulled off the movie blog and from random RMB posts.
Unless of course the deadline blows by with no actual result. But that never happens with FUCK YOU I'M TUCKER MAX.
Heidi Plasticface is still less of a failure than Tucker. More people have seen Heidi Plasticboobs on her TV show than saw Tucker's movie or read his book.
New huge Tucker Max announcement coming this Friday. Stay tuned you haters. You're going to cry and shit your pants all at once.
Once again, I've come through. And a whole day in advance. Much like when I told you the TMMB was shutting down.
If you guys knew what I knew about the upcoming 3rd book and the movie situation, you'd die.
-former mod
Cue 20 people pretending to be me again.
You're not important enough for people to pretend to be you. By which I mean, "pretending to be Tucker pretending to be a former mod".
Anyway, they'd much rather stare at me. Because I'm round. And creamy pink.
[i]New huge Tucker Max announcement coming this Friday. Stay tuned you haters. You're going to cry and shit your pants all at once.[/i]
[quote]Once again, I've come through. And a whole day in advance. Much like when I told you the TMMB was shutting down.
If you guys knew what I knew about the upcoming 3rd book and the movie situation, you'd die.
-former mod [/quote]
I'm crying and shitting my pants right now--just like Tucker did at the Embassy Suites before he was banned permanently--well maybe he wasn't really banned but he did cry and crap his pants.
But, yes, the news is so exciting and I'm sure that people are dying to invest in the Tucker franchise after the success of his last movie and the way he handled that "success" with such class.
Not one book, but two books. And a list of his sexual to-do list. Boy, that's going to be amazing. I can't wait until he restarts the message board.
And man, former mod, I wish I was an insider like you. I mean, by the time Tucker does his book tour, he will be a 35 year old plus man trying to score college chicks on a book tour--nothing creepy about that. Those crazy stories will just be too much for these wacky kids who've grown up watching free amateur porn of every type. Tucker's saucy tales of ribaldry will be just the ticket for the i-pad generation. Why watch an actual video of a person engaging in anal sex with a midget while drunk when you can buy a hardcover book where Tucker describes it in detail.
Tut-tut, people! Books are not important! BOOBS are important! Look at me. Look ... at ... me. See, I'm swaying side to side. Now I'm jigggling a bit. Watch me. You like watching me, don't you? Yes, you do. See how round I am? Yes ... yes ... keep looking. Just keep looking.
The big announcement is that the book is coming out? Like 3 years late? Really?
As I said earlier, I really hope he gets to do sequels.
"If you guys knew what I knew about the upcoming 3rd book and the movie situation, you'd die."
Yeah, just like if we knew what you knew about the movie situation back in 2008, we'd die. Too bad Tucker had that anti-Midas Touch, and everything he puts his hands on fails.
Whatever he's cooking up, he'll find a way to fuck it up.
"Once again, I've come through. And a whole day in advance. Much like when I told you the TMMB was shutting down.
If you guys knew what I knew about the upcoming 3rd book and the movie situation, you'd die.
-former mod
Cue 20 people pretending to be me again."
So why don't you disclose it? Ah fuck it. I don't care.
Does Tucker really live in Austin, TX now???
I note we have no followup evidence regarding the alleged breasts that are allegedly superior to Heidi Montag's magnificent bazoombas.
Clearly, the poser poster lacks tangible palpable evidence of the breasts in question, and cannot supply appropriate support for the shapeliness of their claim.
We now therefore return you to the ongoing discussion: Are Heidi's boobs creamy pink or peachy cream?
Fake boobs look fantastic, feel like shit--end of discussion.
Fake boobs look fantastic, feel like shit--end of discussion.
Why the fuck is Tucker living in Austin, Texas?
^^^ Because that's where phase 2 of his super-ultra-media-revolution is going down.
He can't afford Hollywood rent, let alone all those bars that are populated by out-of-work actors sporting shiney shirts.
Bullshit. You loser fags have no idea what you're talking about. He's going to be OPENING a bar in LA. He said he would, had a business plan and investors and everything, but none of you fuckers believed him. You think he can't go drinking at his own bar? You think he WOULDN'T go drinking at his own bar? Business would be up loads for every night he just bothers to show up, people will want to see what crazy shit he'd pull. It'll be the coolest fucking bar in all of Southern California.
Also, the pool tables will be replaced by the crossbow range. EXTREME!
Heidi Montag's Breastsesses
Well, that makes sense. Just think of how quick and easy it would be to get from Austin to LA in a Gulfstream V. That way, when the IHTSBIH bar opens in Austin, he can go to whichever one he chooses. Since he undoubtedly has mansions in both cities, he can vomit into girls' assholes wherever he happens to be. Man, that tucker sure is an accomplished young (35 is young and shit) man.
Tucker plumbs the limits of Extremulosity!
This entire blog thread has been two or three people talking to each other and writing multiple posts one after another in different 'voices' as they think of various things they think are funny.
Sorry, haterz. Magic's over. The both of you can go home now.
You're just jealous cause this blog gets more traffic than the RMMB. And why is that? Oh, that's right - BECAUSE WE OUTLIVED THOSE FUCKERS!!
TIB IS BETTER THAN FREAK SAFARI
^ last 5 posts are all mine, btw
Freak Safari is a FORUM and it's in the million alexa rankings. How is that even fucking possible?
TiB is gaining members by the second. It's Alexa ranking is skyrocketing.
alexa ratings mean shit. idiot.
wow, i didn't realize the TIP guy was right, but TIB's alexa numbers are like 11,000 in the US and 20,000 worldwide. that's better than i thought they'd be.
of course, internet messageboards are inherently gay and lame (yeah, i realize the irony of making that statement), so bragging that TIB is popular is sort of like bragging that your Comicon booth is right next to the x-men booth. Or something.
You're such a liar Tucker
The irony in Ryan's last two posts is hilarious.
http://ryanholiday.net/
Dear Spammers,
While I understand that you're just a bunch of hardworking douchebags seeking pseudo-success like Tucker, could you please quit cluttering up our blog with your nonsense?
Not only is it mildly annoying, but it makes one wonder why it is that only now, in these days of Tucker's near-total collapse, that you come here and post your effluvium. Perhaps the fecundity of his failure is a magnet for the same.
At least when the Asian guy spams the board you can just skip past anything written in ching chong chang. But English language spammers?
GTFO.
Freak Safari were the people who figured out Tucker was a douchebag about 3 years before the rest of the world did.
TiB are the Kool Aid drinkers who got treated like shit by Tucker for years (and bad mouthed too) and developed Stockholm Syndrome towards him.
BOOOOOOOBS
HEIDI MONTAG'S
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOBS
Heidi Montag's boobs are in fact the subject of a prophecy of olden times, when "the truth and glory of the world shall shine forth from the chest of a woman, and all that is right and good in shapes shall be made manifest to be seen, but yet demons shall lurk in the dark corners of the earth, denying her ineffable dual divinity of spheroidicness".
So was it written, so let it be.
Ukrainian girls have nicer boobs.
injun man say: heidi montag boobs, heap ton load big wallop good medicine
HEAP TON LOAD BIG WALLOP!
HEAP TON LOAD BIG WALLOP!
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Good, sound, precise, highly technical term:
HEAP TON LOAD BIG WALLOP.
do you fuckers have nothing better to do on a saturday?
Do you?
confirming the previous half-dozen or so posts were all made by me talking to myself
confirming you're a lying liar
Confirming I'm not actually a liar and wrote this one too.
Freak Safari is full of dick-sucking fags.
"Freak Safari is full of dick-sucking fags."
Not at the table, Carlos.
Wait, I've not been here in a few months and I'm really worried.
Is Nils still fat?
I can't find any information on the subject.
Yes, Freak Safari is still full of dorks that nobody acknowledges in the real world. They suck IamRob's dick and buy his horribly unfunny t-shirts because he was nice to them and Tucker was mean.
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