Wednesday, January 24, 2007

Tucker Max's Lies

From an Amazon.com review of I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell:
In the "Foxfield weekend" story, he claims he was mid-coitus when a pepper spray can that was in the girl's purse discharged. Funny, but definitely fiction. Pepper spray cans have a spring-loaded guard that you must lift and slide your finger under (at which point it takes several pounds of downward pressure to spray it). At the very least, they have a safety lock you must slide over and then down (similar to what you'd find on a "child-proof" lighter). To suggest it could go off accidentaly from someone lying down on a purse is laughable.

From Here's A November 2006 Real-Life Tucker Max Story:
I actually have had the grave misfortune of dealing with TM and know first hand about his last story where he supposedly 'fucked a midget'. I assure you, this did NOT happen. I know this b/c it was MY place of residence, in MY room, I lived in a loft with NO ceilings, and yet there was not a single peep. Of the 8 people that were there (he conveniently left me out of the story b/c I talked shit back to him, and wouldn't let him fuck me) standing NEXT DOOR to the bedroom with NO ceilings in the kitchen drinking beer, not a one heard a fuckin' sound. We even propped up chairs to peep over - he was on one side, the little person on the other, not even touching. Listen, I know my bed. It woke me up when I had to rollover in the night, and it sure as hell made noise with constant giration, a la fornication. The fact that he claims to have 'hit her cervix' would have surely let out a yelp, or some indicative that something was actually happening.

After about 10-15 min. he walks out and announces, "Anyone who's ever fucked a midget, raise your hand!" I went to see where this midget had gone, to find her completely passed out, with clothing still on. So unless he raped her, he didn't fuck her. And yet he touts it as some badge of honor.

It's one thing to be intolerant of people's bullshit and call them out on it, it's a complete other thing when you come into MY house and treat me like shit when I've been a pretty respectable host. One borders on hilarity, the other on narcissism. The only reason he stayed the entire weekend was b/c he was buddies with my roomie. I subsequently stayed away that weekend, and told him to "fuck off and die" when he left.

I know I shouldn't be wasting any more time with this worthless cretin, but it's nice to know that at least, I'm not alone.

By Anonymous, at 12/26/2006 11:38 PM

519 comments:

1 – 200 of 519   Newer›   Newest»
Anonymous said...

Ooooh.... Opie and Andy need to interview the midget.

Anonymous said...

tucker probably just whacked off and decided that was the same as fucking a midget. what i'm trying to say here is, tucker has a small cock.

Anonymous said...

thanks for finally adding a new post. tucker has been editting all negative references from his wikipedia entry, so it's nice to see that the truth can be presented here.

Anonymous said...

You can always add stuff to the Encyclopedia Dramatica entry of Tucker Max.

http://www.encyclopediadramatica.com/index.php/Tucker_Max

Anonymous said...

You can always add stuff to the Encyclopedia Dramatica entry of Tucker Max.

http://www.encyclopediadramatica.com/index.php/Tucker_Max

Anonymous said...

what??
a loft.. with "no ceilings".
The fuck?

Anonymous said...

He actually said "fuck off and die?"

How eighties of him. Girlie and eighties. What a fagsack.

I hope someone can say he also has said, "Eat shit and die."

That would be poetic.

Anonymous said...

1/24/2007 4:25 PM,

hey dumbass, can you read? The girl who wrote the story was the one who said "fuck off and die".

Anonymous said...

dammit! I was really hoping TM said it. Dick.

Anonymous said...

again....why don't you all just keep editing his wiki entry to link to this page? It's not like it takes that long to do it, even if his fanboys go and change it.

Anonymous said...

it's pointless. i have better things to do then wage internet war against mr. jake who, given his appearance, no doubt has much free time on his hands.

Anonymous said...

Anyone else remember his account of the kung fu mike/cloud starchaser fight? He said the bouncer told him that mike beat the shit out of cloud, acting like a NYC bouncer at a yuppie bad had seen a lot of really big brawls. Then we see the actual video of the fight, it was like two girls slapping each other. Hmmm, I wonder who was lying...a bouncer with no reason to exaggerate a story of two pussies fighting outside his bar (was there even a bouncer in the background of the video?) or some douche bag with a blog who has lied and exaggerated in the past? You decide.

Anonymous said...

This story makes less sense than one of Tucker's, it's all over the place.

Try and make your evidence credible, else you undo all the good work from earlier on.

Anonymous said...

point out the inconsistencies dipshit, unless you're just indulging in hyperbole, like all the other tucker max fans.

Anonymous said...

Would anyone be interested in noting in this blog the things or people that are disapeared off Tucker's board for apparently no other reason than it upsets the moderators? I wouldn't care, but I've been killing time at work with that board ever since it re-launched, and it's getting that I can't even read it anymore, it's way too homogeneous...any dissenters are bashed, banned or shunned. There's not even a point to reading the threads anymore; the first few posters will make about 3 interesting points, which are then repeated ad nauseum. And there's way too many topics about how great Tucker is/how everyone wants to be him/how famous he is/will be. Just leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

Anonymous said...

I got this email from a girl who fucked Tucker Max. This is a good place for it.


hey,
so i fucked him and, well, i have mixed feelings about the whole thing. first of all, he is not very attractive. he has a gut and man boobs almost. u know how i like my men, so he was a HUGE let down in that department. plus his dick was average size at best (maybe 6 inches and not very thick).

so i meet him at a bar, actually at my favorite bar, and he was there with two other guys, both of which were much more attractive than him (i should have taken up the offer to fuck his friend). His friends seems pretty normal. He wasn’t impressive in person. He wasn’t really a smooth talker, like I would have thought for him to be. He was wearing basketball shorts and he kept pulling his dick out of them and kept putting my hand on it. There were people around who could see his dick, so I wasn’t really too into that. Then he tried to pull out my tits at the bar. He put his hand down my shirt, so not smooth. So we didn’t stay out, he finishd his meal and we all left. His two friends went out, and we went back to my place. He took a shower then when he got out, he just shoved me down on the bed. We kissed a little. Not much though. He told me to take off my clothes and I did. I sucked him for a little, but I wasn’t really into sucking his dick for obvious reasons. He was VERY rough with me. Almost not in a good way. I don’t remember what exactly I did, but I was, well being myself, testing him, trying to stuggle away from his grasp. He bit my hand and he really kinda fucked it up. He broke the skin and I have a big mark and teeth indents in my hand. It hurts like a mother fucker. Then he bit my nose and broke the skin again. I have a visible bite mark on my nose…Same story with my ear. I have bruises all over my body. We fucked like 5 times or so. He came each time. He didn’t let me ride him, said he didn’t like it. I enjoyed getting op top of him and leaning forward so my tits were hanging on his face and I was almost kinda like giving him a little lap dance, but not fucking him because he had just came and was limp. The fun part was the wrestle. He kept trying to pin me down and I kept strruggling to get free and hurt him. He was much bigger then me, so I didn’t win. At one point he bent over and I smacked his ass really hard. I think he pulled my hair and told me not to do it again. But then the moment came when he bent over again and I slapped his ass harder. He grabbed my head and twisted my neck and shoved my face into the bed a kept twisting my head and neck. I did not like this. It was very violent. I have a bad neck and it fucking hurt. After he did this I kinda backed away. He could tell I was upset. And he curled up next to me.

So the first fuck, he pulled out and came all over my face and tits. Lots. The next few times he didn’t pull out and just came in the condom. I told him I like and hand around my neck, and he was really into that. I could tell by the look in his eye when he was fucking me. And he squeezed tight and the more he could hear me gasping for air, the harder he squeezed. The last fuck he came on me again. The sex was ok. He liked to mix it up, kinda teasing me then pounding hard. He liked to be on top, he fucked me doggy once. Overall, he didn’t fuck the bitch out of me. He didn’t fuck me hard enough. He only cared about himself. I know I know. I knew he would be like that.
So he also tried to analyse me almost. He asked how many guys I have been with, I told him I stoped counting. Then he asked what the number was when I stopped and I said 25, and that was a year and half ago. Then he asked about having bfs and getting married and I told him that I don’t do well with bfs and I don’t think I want to get married. I have commitement issues. Then he told me that I had emotianal attachement issues, by the fact that I don’t really become emotionaly attached to too many people, and if I do, its short lived. I guess that is true. He said I am a whore. I told him I don’t get paid but he said I was still a whore anyway. I don’t know about him. I liked the roughness to a point. I defeinaly like wrestling and stuggleing with a guy, I just don’t think he should have the confidence or arrogance that he has. There is NOTHING special about him. I think I was disapointed more because he didn’t have anything really to say. It was also weird because I think he was the first guy I have been with that didn’t say I was hot or beautiful or sexy. I know I am all those things, guess I am just used to people telling me. The other weird thing was the fact that he wanted to cuddle. He wanted his arms around me or mine around his for most of the night. After we fucked one time, I was just laying on my back not really next to him. I think this surprised him. He asked me if I liked to cuddle. Then he refered back to my emotial attachement issues. He wanted and needed attention and affection from me. He has some serious mommy issues. Hehe.

The funny thing happened before we first started fucking. I told him not to put his thing near my with out a condom, and he told me to get one. When I was at the clinic last week I picked up a few condoms (they are only 25 cents at planned parenthood). Some were normal size, some where magnum. I picked out a magnum condom and said that he probaby wouldn’t be needing this one. I am such a bitch huh.

The funny thing is that even though my entire body is sore in one way or another, my pussy doesnt hurt a bit. usualy after a guy fucks me 5 times in one night, i would be very sore for at least the next day... but with him... nothing.

He beat the shit out of me. i think i remember why now.. he has this disease that doesnt allow you to store fat properly on your body. so he had these wierd lumps all over his body. this guy i dated in college had the same problem... i called him lumpy.. not to his face, but i started calling tucker lumpy... he didnt like it.

Needless to say..she's a classy chick.

Anonymous said...

your friend is a worthless whore and tucker is a limp-dick faggot.

Anonymous said...

i should mention, though, that i did jerk off to that story.

Anonymous said...

Ha, well Tucker did fuck that girl. He does get more poon than most guys.

Anonymous said...

Yeah, wow Tucker is awesome!! He fucked a girl with serious emotional issues!! That's AWESEOME!!!! No one else has EVER done that!

Seriously though, your friend seem like a match made in heaven. If by "heaven" I mean the Island of Misfit Toys. Both have some serious emotional issues, Tucker is just as needy and a "whore" as the girl is: he needs her to want him and take care of/soothe him (the cuddling, mommy issues much?) while at the same time his inferiority complex manifests itself in his need to be in control and on top the entire time. Tucker can't let himself be vulnerable because then she (mommy) might leave him so he acts overly aggressive and violent to dominate the situation. And like I said, the girl is nuttier than squirrel shit too.

Anonymous said...

I, for one, am glad if TM was just lying drunkenly next to the midget and didnt really bang her, subsequently making up that part of his story, since he seems just 2 shades away from being capable of commiting rape.

Anonymous said...

Hey Cloud Cockchaser....why dont you send you friend tucker a fart?

www.mailafart.com

Im sure that will make him your friend again.

Anonymous said...

Crap. . . I'm speechless. Some disease that makes him unable to store FAT properly?

Anonymous said...

I don't know why I did this to myself but after reading that letter I went back and read through Tucker's message boards, then read Bunny's Blog, then Jada's review of her experience with Tucker Max and then many of the other posts on this blog.

How is it possible that this guy can find the most damaged, in need of attention, hopelessly mediocre in all aspects of their lives women?

How has this guy not been accused of rape or sodomy? How or why has he not been sued over and over again?

It literally scares me that there are people out there like this. Has parenting gotten THAT bad? What the fuck happened to these people to make them so dangerous to themselves and other people? How or why would anybody over the age of 16 ever find this guy entertaining?

One of these days Tucker is going to be accused of some kind of abuse or be connected to a homicide of some kind. Someone, you watch, will say that they got the idea to bite and scratch and punch a woman during sex from Tucker Max's message board.

He's INSANE to allow these stories to remain on the web.

Anonymous said...

it is pretty scary when you get right down to it. tucker's like a shorter, uglier, dumber, less funny, less charming, less ballsy version of patrick bateman.

Anonymous said...

that jada story really put it into focus: i've figured out the whole tucker max phenomenon.

tucker appeals to fairly intelligent (in a "book smarts" kind of way) but otherwise fairly bland people. people who aren't really funny, clever or creative in any meaningful way. that describes tucker, the bunny, jade, all of tucker's law school friends and pretty much everybody else in the max orbit. they can relate to him because he's a lot like them; even though they try to hide it by drinking a lot, insulting people, being bisexual, being a slut or whatever, they're just not that interesting. it comes out in tucker's writing, in bunny's writing, in just about every post on that shit message board. they're allbores.

Anonymous said...

Jada and Bunny are marginally employed, marginally educated, marginally attractive women whose biggest accomplishment has been fucking Tucker Max. I can't believe anyone still talks about either one of them.

If anyone has ever read the story about Paul Bernardo, a famous Canadian serial killer, you'll see some scary resemblances to Tucker's relationship with Bunny. Bernardo use to make his girlfriend find young virgins for him to fuck and he'd make his girlfriend eat them out and fuck them while he videotaped them. Then he'd murder the virgin and have the girlfriend help him dispose of the body. Sound familiar?

Anonymous said...

How has this guy not been accused of rape or sodomy?


DrunkRex and KungFuMike were walking around bow-legged today. Guess it's time to accuse Tucker of both.

Anonymous said...

a while back, he mentioned in his blog that he had been accused of rape and would require girls to sign a consent form if he thought they might complain.

Anonymous said...

Of course there are eery similarities between Tucker and Bernardo. After all, they are both sociopaths. A number of people have made the call that Tucker has narcissistic personality disorder, and I think this new story that has come to light validates those claims.

The Rooster said...

ha ha ha ha

I can't even hate this guy anymore . What a fucking loser !

Penthouse letters with a short , podgy faced guy who isn't funny or interesting...

Wow, anyone who thinks Tucker Max is cool must be a sad , sad fucking loser of the highest proportion .

Anonymous said...

ha ha ha ha

I can't even hate this guy anymore . What a fucking loser !

Penthouse letters with a short , podgy faced guy who isn't funny or interesting...

Wow, anyone who thinks Tucker Max is cool must be a sad , sad fucking loser of the highest proportion .

Anonymous said...

By the way, don't be impressed that Tucker managed to come five times -- Bunny wrote a story about them going to Mexico to buy her some thyroid medication, and he buys a bottle of Viagra while he's there.

I absolutely don't feel like digging through her archives and posting a link to it, as it's one of the few stories of hers I managed to make it all the way through, but it's there, somewhere.

Anonymous said...

This is the link he's talking about:

http://www.thebunnyblog.com/
archives/bunny_trafficks.phtml

Notice that he pays for her medicine. .. but then puts his medicine with hers, leaving her holding the barrel if customs decide to arrest her for transporting prescription medication across the border.

Yes, parenting has gotten that bad, but maybe that's not always the parents fault -- both parents have to work 50 plus a week even to pay for a decent standard of living these days.

And of course, our media role models are even worse, which is why this blog matters.

Anonymous said...

you survived reading the bunny's blog without your defence mechanisms kicking in , or your fight or flight/nausea reflex ? Well then you a better man than me !

God ! What delusions does she labor under to so distort reality that people might actually be interested in anything she has to write ?

Writing about your pathetic life might be interesting to some people , but here's another perception : Shut the fuck up !

I think the "tucker max" hype , is now being almost 95% based on people waiting to watch him fall , and 5% actual fans ..

Who the hell are these people (the fans) who can't even make the distinction between a good writer and a brain dead idiot ?) ...Teenagers ? "Cannon fodder" army guys ?

Yup . That's right .

Anonymous said...

Jade's might be the most boring blog of all. She tries to portray herself as this quietly-cool, all-knowing, neo-hippie when in reality she's a boring, shallow, lonely, aging, whore wannabee.

She recently revealed she has a new boyfriend that's a doctor. How original. Anyjew, this doctor is the focus in anecdotes that include such classic lines as "I can prescribe something for that" or "I have a scalpel and know where you artries are" and "just what the doctor ordered." How original is that? It's not.

It's lame and vapid and contrived - just like TM and Bunny.

Anonymous said...

Ha! Does Jada also say 'don't talk to me until after I've had my second cup of coffee' or 'I'm a chocoholic?'

probably. but she also probably uses the word 'fucking' in there when she says it, because she's all rudius and such. TM's gang is so rebel.

Anonymous said...

this doctor is the focus in anecdotes that include such classic lines as "I can prescribe something for that" or "I have a scalpel and know where you artries are" and "just what the doctor ordered." How original is that? It's not.

Is her new boyfriend's name Doug Ross? Only a fictional character would speak in cliched dialogue like that. She tries too hard to impress people with her "writing skills."

It's the phony confidence of all these Tucker wannabes that bother me. They all like to say they don't care what people think but then when the receive criticism they write posts about how people don't understand them and are jealous of their abilities. What are we jealous of? That they write blogs? Outside their blogs their lives are all unimpressive.

Anonymous said...

There's a misconception out there that Jada is in with the Rudius crowd. She's not. Tucker gave her a link on his site because of all the shit she took for writing that post about fucking him. I think that's what you have to do to be bestowed with a link on those sites. You have to endure public and private humiliation while sacrificing the small shred of self-respect and dignity you have.

Anonymous said...

Jada, the modern day Blanche DuBois. Coy, passive aggressive, cloying, and batshit crazy. She's clinging onto her notoriety for all it's worth:

http://www.theoriginaljada.com/blog/pictures/

Anonymous said...

Bunny, I like. She's smarter than Jada, tougher, funnier. She's self-aware, talented and honest.

Anonymous said...

Holy Hijacking Batman! How the hell did this turn into the discussion of all things Jada thread? Jada was a 1 day discussion on the TMMB/Tucker's weblog, people here have certainly expended more time examining every facet of her "life" than anyone ought to. The only thing different from her than the countless other broken women Tucker has come in contact with is she has a blog. Other than that, she is in NO WAY UNIQUE. It's a huge waste of time to worry about her or how she fits into the over-arching Tucker universe, because she doesn't.

Anonymous said...

Probably because everything that can be said about Tucker has been said, repeated then repeated again. Even this post was a a re-cap of past comments and posts. Who cares what people talk about? If they want to talk about Jada or Bunny or any of the other women that have blown Max then it's still Max related so who cares? Don't worry. I'm sure someone will find another year old article about Tucker or letter from an unstable woman he banged to pick apart soon. In the mean time people found something else to discuss. On that note......

Read her blog. She's insecure. She's boring. She includes all the medical jargon in her posts to remind people that she is good enough to date a doctor. Her writing is so overly stylized that I could only read the first page of posts.

Anonymous said...

9:02 PM:

Don't get me wrong, Jada is a basket full of crazy, delusional, boring and insecure. And if people want to talk about her, fine do what you will. I was just trying to say that as far as Tucker goes, Jada isn't even in the farthest outlier of his orbit. She was a one-time thing that passed through. The fact that she clings to this on her blog is sad, but I just don't think she is even worth the minimal amount of time people have spent on her. But that's just my opinion, people are free to disagree as they see fit.

Anonymous said...

i'm actually doing this cause i'm angling to fuck her hard. i wanna blow my load on that big hairy mole of hers.

Anonymous said...

I thought her story about Tucker was written for dramatic effect and as a way to ingratiate herself into his lame ass world. I don't think Tucker has ever given her a second thought except to thank her for writing that bogus tale and boosting his reputation as a bad ass. She fell right into his hands and she got nothing for it. Her naked pictures show how desperate she is to be noticed.

Anonymous said...

i bet jade has more hairs on her mole than most tucker max fans have on their face.

Anonymous said...

Forbes released the "top 25 web celebs". Needless to say, Tucker didn't make the list. Nor did he make the "near misses"

http://money.aol.com/forbes/general/web-celeb-25

Anonymous said...

Even more shocking is that Max has completely ignored the Forbes article. Usually, this is when he draws attention to the list, asks how he or Maddox could possibly not be included and then complains that it is just another example of the MSM "not getting it". This is followed by tons of responses by his fanboys parroting his thoughts and saying how they've "never even heard of 1/2 these people", as if their ignorance of the wider web were dispositive.

Anonymous said...

I'd like to hear about Tucker's ex-girlfriend Courtney. Someone once commented that she is a well-known crazy in Hollywood.

Anonymous said...

What is Maddox doing now? I know that he got a book published last year but has he done anything else? He should have put advertising on his website and profitted off his traffic.

Anonymous said...

Yeah, he should have. Because he was such a great fucking icon as well. And so should Courtney, because she was a whore.

Maddox should be pro-fitting his father's cock in his ass, due to his mother's current snatch traffic from Courtney's chrome strap-on.

Anonymous said...

maddox's "career" has gone to shit. the phenomenon tucker predicted never panned out. i remember a thread on tucker's board about who would sell more books, maddox or ann coulter. tucker said maddox would and that maddox would become a legitimate pop culture sensation. of course all the fanboys agreed. some guy said that tucker was crazy, that there was no fucking way that maddox would be sniffing coulter's jockstrap and that in a few years he would be a footnote in the history of the internet, if that. he was promptly banned, of course.

i wonder when was the last time tucker got a straight answer out of anybody...

Anonymous said...

Well, in true Max fashion, he actually never admitted how he was wrong about Maddox (who is funny) vs. Coulter. He just moved the goalposts when his desired result wasn't reached, then called the whole thing off quietly. Simple rule: if you don't hear Tucker constantly hyping something he predicted, its because its not true and he's hoping no one will notice.

Anonymous said...

Tucker Max may be a liar but at least he made some money off of his lie. Maddox made money off his book. Is he done now?

Anonymous said...

Fuck both of those cocksuckers. Maddox stood out preaching on the diving board that was TM's dick, hoping that someone, anybody, would pay to hear their collective 15 minutes of bullshitty high school fantasy stories.

Anonymous said...

can somebody please explain the rudius business model to me? why won't these authors just jump ship if they become even moderately successful?

Anonymous said...

Maddox is funny and he doesn't take himself seriously....the whole "I'm great" thing he does with a sense of irony...Tucker Max actually buys into his own bullshit......

Maddox is also somewhat intelligent , whilst Tucker Max is a Cretinous idiot .I'm sure Maddox knows it , but probably is using Max to get publicity for his book .

I'm all for Maddox using some good sense , but hopefully when his books done well enough , he'll call out Tucker Max for the pathetic brain dead poser wannabe that he is .

Anonymous said...

the Business Model goes like this:

I am Tucker Max, and you will tell me how great I am.

I will allow you to write your prating bunkum, as long as I can modify it as I see fit.

Your published poppycock will be displayed on one of MY servers, complete with the geocities-like advertisement-laden dark template I prescribe.

Your above-mentioned posts (approved, of course) will be short and incomplete, as to force readers to scroll through the ads.

Comments will NOT be allowed, or at the very least, heavily-modified by one of my suckers-of-cock minions.

Most proceeds will go towards enhancing my pasty appearance and the alcohol fund for luring vapid collegiate whores.

Finally, you will NOT question my validity or smell.

Anonymous said...

what happens if one of these people actually hits it big? why are they gonna continue to allow tucker a significant share of their profits for hosting them on his two-bit network and introducing them to his agent?

i know it's not a serious risk because the rudius (shit name by the way) writers collectively suck a big dick, but is tucker really this stupid?

Anonymous said...

Tucker Max is a bitch - plain and simple. Let me say that again, TUCKER MAX IS A BITCH! He makes fun of the homeless, fat people, those who are clinically depressed, and other's who have hit hard times...how edgy. But dare say one ill-mannered word about him and he grows a vagina.

Anonymous said...

tucker's stretched-out anus already resembles a vagina...

Anonymous said...

Bunny's Original Blog. Has some... interesting stuff about Tucker in it.

Anonymous said...

Bunny's Original Blog. Has some... interesting stuff about Tucker in it.

Anonymous said...

"People keep e-mailing me asking for psychic consultation. This is futile. While there are some psychics so gifted they can tell you the intimate details of the next three years of your life, I cannot. I am simply visited by dead people every day."

that really says it all...

Anonymous said...

Apparently the dialogue between TM & Bunny consisted of a lot of baby-talk and silly names like "Gorilla."

Gay.

Anonymous said...

From Tucker on his board:

"I would actually like a break down and analysis of cross fit training. Brian and Doug were telling me that that was what all the SF guys were doing now, and that it produced amazing results in strength and endurance. I know a couple of NFL guys do it also, and they swear by it. John Lynch is a big proponent, I think."

For Tucker, this is just academically speaking, of course, since he's as a fit as a bag of marshmellows.

JustGiver said...

I've written an open letter to Tucker you should consider posting on your blog as well!:

http://elquatro.blogspot.com/

Enjoy

Anonymous said...

that's a start Quatro, but you're not making any specific points, other than telling TM that 1) his writing sucks, 2) he's not funny, and 3) his career is going nowhere. You need the how/why specifics to be more than just pissing vinegar in the wind.

It's like how saying "you suck" isn't as effective as "you suck because you're 31 years old and you can't even effectively manage a handful of people."

Anonymous said...

it's kind of a reshash of everything that's already been written about tucker max. there's no way that tucker max is going to post that email on his message board. he doesn't discuss this blog so why would he discuss a post on a new blog that consists of only that post?

Anonymous said...

Yeah, put some specific questions in that letter, like how the absinthe donuts story is geographically impossible, etc. Then it would be pretty cool if you got a lot of different blogs to post it.

Anonymous said...

I love how he mentions the site, but won't link to it:

"I am normally not a Gawker fan, but reading this back and forth is kinda funny. That, and there are now TWO anti-Eric Schaeffer sites. That kinds pisses me off, I only have one"

http://messageboard.tuckermax.com/showthread.php?t=13564

Hambriq said...

Granted, I think Tucker Max is a douchebag as much as the rest of us, but seriously now.

An entire blog devoted to it? This isn't creepy, or anything.

Anonymous said...

Hey Hamjag - you posted the following in your very own blog:

Speaking of Irrelevant, Maddox Still Sucks- Need I say anymore? Actually, this is a direct lead-in into my forthcoming serial entitled "The Most Historically Relevant Sites on the Internet".

So that's okay with you? Just wondering. Dick.

Anonymous said...

Tucker is abusive and narcissistic, but he has accomplished a lot more than a lot of people.

Anonymous said...

"Tucker is abusive and narcissistic, but he has accomplished a lot more than a lot of people."

I don't think that bothers most people , I think it's more that he is so transparently not what he says he is .He's not handsome , smart , witty or any form of alpha male . He might get girls now , but it's all a result of hype bestowed upon him in a freak accident , by adolescent and now taken to be "a general consensus" .

I can assure you if he didn't have this hype or someone to inform people that they are supposed to be impressed by him , no woman would look twice at this puffy faced , talentless midget .

Anonymous said...

My god, what a bunch of losers!: http://www.flickr.com/photos/feedburner/361274092/

Anonymous said...

That Rudius Media pic on Flickr is nothing compared to the gems you'll find if you do a serach for "tucker max". Get a real life look at the types of girls hes meeting and his other "fans". I have never seen a larger collection of total dorks in my life. Really classic stuff.

This is the best one I think:
http://flickr.com/photos/27429889@N00/102859322/

Anonymous said...

look at the dorks in these pictures with tucker max

http://flickr.com/photos/p4tr1ck/355821906/

http://flickr.com/photos/p4tr1ck/355821838/

Anonymous said...

This blog entry is full of sociopathic proclivities. Good to know Tucker is his mentor:

http://rch.rudiusmedia.com/

Anonymous said...

I think I beat you:

http://flickr.com/photos/drewdog48/95881488/

Anonymous said...

I love it - finally something that loser CAN NOT control - pics of his dweeb fans who he wouldn't be caught dead with in public or talk about in his stories, yet this is who adores and admires him. Chubby chicks and dorky virgins. Someone should start a site posting pics of all of his fans! hahahah

Anonymous said...

uh i really don't think it matters whether someones fans are "good looking" or not.

god you guys prioritize the dumbest shit.

Anonymous said...

Honestly. You people are just being shallow.

And don't you realize that you've only pointed to four of his fans? That is not a large enough sample size to generalize about his fans as a group.

Anonymous said...

i've seen tucker, and the guy's a dork. there's no denying it it. the idea that he's some kind of super-studly elite athlete is insulting to my intelligence.

Anonymous said...

"uh i really don't think it matters whether someones fans are "good looking" or not."

You're missing the point. These are exactly the types of people Tucker makes fun of in his stories, fat chicks, dorks, guys that dote on him as if they have a crush on him, etc.

Yet the people he makes fun of are the same people who are buying his shitty books and posting on his lame message board.

Anonymous said...

The girl who said it was "(her) residence" where the midget story took place is a homeless heroin addict, pathological liar, and former stripper (and very likely prostitute). She has bounced from place to place for at least the last year, having sex with men in exchange for a place to sleep.

These are the kind of people you're trusting to tell the "truth" about Tucker Max's lies? Really? I mean, you'd never expect people making anonymous posts on the Internet to tell bald-faced lies would you?

Anonymous said...

Very interesting....not about the midget story person. If its true, then it certainly casts some doubt on her story, but I'd like to see some proof other than the anonymous assertions of a fanboy. I find it VERY interesting, however, that the pictures of the Rudius Media people have been deleted. Guess Tucker doesn't like the fact that while he goes around making fun of "2-stars" and "dorks", those are exactly the type of people he has working for him.

Anonymous said...

Those pictures were on a Flickr account for Feedburner (look at the link). How could Max have deleted them?

Anonymous said...

Gah. It turns out Jada has been inventing commenter personalities for her blog. She is truly unhinged.

Anonymous said...

she's taken a page out of the tucker max fanboy handbook...

Anonymous said...

apparently tucker thinks he's going to get married at one point. i'm curious as to what self-respecting woman would want to be with his short, pudgy, talentless, washed-up misogynist self.

delusional fuck.

Anonymous said...

Personally, I just like that he has completely abdicated the responsibility for "writing" his pilot. The current thread should be entitled "HELP! I'm a talentless hack and have no idea how to write a Hollywood script. Please bail me out so I can steal your ideas." Though that does get a little wordy.

Anonymous said...

this sounds horrible:


Show ideas for Tucker's TV show
My original plan was to have a fairly standard single camera, no laugh track sitcom format (think Entourage, Sex and the City, Curb Your Enthusiasm, in terms of what it looks like and how the stories progress). CC wants to explore other show formats and see if something more innovative might work better as a way to tell my stories. Ironically enough, we know more what stories we want to tell, as opposed to how we are going to tell them.

FOCUS: What format should my show have? These constraints are absolute:

-Must be a half hour
-Must be single camera (multi camera is in front of an audience, like Friends, whereas single camera is more like a movie, like Entourage)
-Must have actors and be scripted (NO REALITY SHOW BULLSHIT)

These are some examples of different format ideas:
-Have the show start at Tucker's bachelor party. He is 38, successful at his field, and about to get married to a great girl that he really loves and is committed to. He is legendary amongst his friends for his stories, so they get him to start telling them. Each episode starts with him at his bachelor party, telling another story (but the stories are acted out, with some interruptions by the older Tucker--think Princess Bride)

-Show is a series of short sketches, like Chappelle Show, except Tucker turns and speaks into the camera, a la Malcolm in the Middle.

-Tucker starts the show in the middle of some amazing drinking story, and dies. He gets to heaven and has to stand trial for his life (kinda like the movie, Defending Your Life). Each episode is a “replay” of a Tucker story, and it can stop are various times for him and/or the prosecutor to argue various points about his behavior.

-Documentary style; Tucker starts off with a point about some issue, and then tell a story that in some way exemplifies that point (and sometimes the story ends up proving him wrong)


These are just a few of any number of ideas. Give me any idea you have for a way to tell my stories on TV. Any idea at all, even a stupid one, this is a brain storm thread, so let it flow. Basically, how do you see my stories making up a TV show?

Anonymous said...

I'm gonna puke (think Entourage).

What an asshole (think talentless and struggling on minute 14).

Anonymous said...

"He is 38, successful at his field, and about to get married to a great girl that he really loves and is committed to."

That part actually made me sad. I think reality is starting to set in with him, like my friends who are single in their 30s. He's not hardwired for monogamy, but has somehow become hopeful that there's a special lady out there that will inspire commitment in him. Painful.

Anonymous said...

He'll need to change before meeting anyone like that, but he's getting to be an old fuck now. Older people are more ingrained to their habits.

Anonymous said...

It hasn't clicked yet that the older he gets, the more ridiculous he looks trying to pick up drunk 20-year-old tarts at college tailgate parties.

Pasty pudgy short fleshy gnome.

Anonymous said...

if he wants to get married at 38, he'll have to make some serious compromises. it's one thing if you're a successful multi-millionaire, but he isn't and will never be. either the chick will be very old (early 30s at a minimum) or fucked in the head in some serious way, or maybe both.

more importantly, though, the marriage will never last because tucker is the textbook definition of the spoilt, self-absorbed only child.

Anonymous said...

This shit had better bomb. I can't imagine his show will find a large audience, but then again, CC claims the ratings for Mind of Mencia are pretty high.

Anonymous said...

-Tucker starts the show in the middle of some amazing drinking story, and dies. He gets to heaven and has to stand trial for his life

Wait - his book was called "I hope they serve beer in hell." Why not have the premise that Tucker is in hell instead? Satan can say to him "Tell me a tale to entertain your Demonic Overlord, bitch, or you'll be my anal slave tonight."

Anonymous said...

being an anal slave is tucker's idea of heaven though...

Anonymous said...

How about this idea for Tucker:

A lazy, out of work rich kid with a law degree stumbles into the world of literature and sort of makes it. Yet because of his success he thinks he's some sort of God. He somehow stumbles upon a TV deal because of his infamy, and then realizes he's not a good writer. The show would be about Tucker trying desperately to write a pilot for his script, always realizing he's now in way over his head.

You can have the pilot episode having Tucker (in a panic) using all the horrible ideas he got from soliciting ideas on his own personal message board. Since all the ideas are horrible, Tucker is in a huge bind, but has to present his fans ideas to the network as his own. Since he's a sucker for the kissass, he takes only ideas from his sycophants and thinks they're great.

Hilarity ensues.

Anonymous said...

Tucker mentioned some master plan for soliciting ideas off of the board. Maybe he's getting ready to defend his pilot ag. network execs, asking the board to name the universe of 30 min sitcom ideas so he can create retorts.

Just an idea. I personally also think that the senior producers that he's working with, and whoever the power that be, are just buying a built-in audience by signing on with Tucker. I'm sure they can throw a pilot together if his stuff sucks, steamrolling right over him but retaining his brand, as it were. And he's more than able to rationalize that aftermath to his fans.

Anonymous said...

come on, let's be realistic. Even if all of the regulars on his message board watch the pilot, it still won'y be successful unless a lot of other people also watch. i really don't think there are enough people out there that think he's funny for him to make it as a tv writer.

Anonymous said...

i agree, but it's entirely possible that the show won't even bear a passing resemblance to his life or his stories. most, if not all, of the plotlines will be pure fiction. i could see it becoming successful if the writers are good, but tucker really wouldn't have anything to do with it in that case. he'd have little or no creative input and he wouldn't act in it, so it wouldn't even really be his show.

i suspect the deal is structured in such a way that comedy central pays tucker upfront, and in the future with residuals, but at some point will basically tell him to fuck off.

Anonymous said...

"Internet Celebrity"

Need I say more?

Why the hell would Comedy Central give him a show for the lame crap he spews on his website? Every stand up comic I've ever met has had far more fucked up things happen to them in their lives.

When any of the Jackass guys are on Stern/Sirius, the stories they just casually mention blow away the best of Tucker's contrived lies.

Anonymous said...

his stories are only remarkable to 12 year olds, asian engineering students and various other stripe of virgins.

Anonymous said...

"Comedy Central series will be based on Max and his group of friends -- all overachieving young professionals -- as they begin the transition into mature adulthood."

so basically, the show will be about a bunch of obnoxious, self-important yuppies. i can see how people could relate to that. it'll probably become the next cheers.

Anonymous said...

How about this?

Scene 1
Tucker Max lisps one of his true stories before the camera, and then the POV fades.

Scene 2
Tucker Max at bar. Starts bragging about his manliness. Enter Cloud, looking (as usual) like a transvestite. Tucker cowers, but an overweight geek who fancies himself a martial artist (Mini Skirt Mike) intervenes. They go outside, and the Mini Skirt Mike gets his fat ass kicked.

Scene 3
Like Doogie Hawser, Tucker enters his online journal (message board) the entire day's events, to make sense of them. He ends the story by claiming that Cloud's ass got kicked, and that Max had witty remarks throughout. Oh, and that Max went home with an airline stewardess.

Scene ends as a fat woman wakes up in bed next to him, asking him for sloppy seconds. Max softly murmurs, "momma", fade to black.

Anonymous said...

I gotta think that the only person bringing up Cloud's debacles is Cloud himself, or Justin, as it were.

Then I play armchair psychologist and connect the dots between Cloud's abusive father and Cloud's need to battle Tucker, Mr. Abusive incarnate.

Then I realize that I need to get back to real life and I close my laptop.

Anonymous said...

exactly. your father's dick isn't going to suck itself.

Anonymous said...

oh hush, Tucker

Anonymous said...

moron, just because i fuck your mother in the ass doesn't make me tucker.

Anonymous said...

No, but being a lumpy, e-nerd does. Just hush, Tucker, and let the adults dismember you.

Anonymous said...

i'm the top dog in the world of tucker max haters asswipe. top dawg that should be. everybody on this board copies my style.

Anonymous said...

The first episode should be a boxing match between Tucker and the U of Florida girl who bitch-slapped him.

It'll be over in two rounds.

Anonymous said...

it would be followed up by her redneck cornfed boyfriend reducing tucker to a bloody pulp with a degree from the university of chicago.

Anonymous said...

"i'm the top dog in the world of tucker max haters asswipe. top dawg that should be. everybody on this board copies my style..."

I certainly don't copy your style, but I bet I hate TM more than you. And I would have placed a comma between 'haters' and 'asswipe.'

Aside from that - I found a new hoot:

http://theoriginaljada.blogspot.com/

Anonymous said...

try some gagging with the hooting:

http://www.theoriginaljada.com/blog/pictures/

she thinks she's quite the minx.

Anonymous said...

i agree, but it's entirely possible that the show won't even bear a passing resemblance to his life or his stories.

most, if not all, of the plotlines will be pure fiction.

Actually, that describes both his life and his stories.

Anonymous said...

I think I have the definitive idea for the Tucker Max series. This is virtually the only way it will be sucessful:

The show always begins with a 38-year-old Tucker -- mostly bald and fatter than ever -- drinking alone in his cheap apartment in Hollywood. He's making phone calls to talent agencies, producers, publishers, former friends, etc, reminding them repeatedly that he was once on the New York Times bestseller list and wondering why nobody returns his calls.

Eventually he passes out -- the "fuzzy" effect indicating dreaming takes place and the story of the week begins, acted out by some young, athletic, good-looking, charming guy playing Tucker fucking a variety of models and strippers while he charms everyone with his antics and uses his rapier wit to skewer every poseur and asshole he encounters.

Yet occasionally in the story -- David Lynch MULHOLLAND DRIVE style -- things change. The guy playing Tucker is replaced by a pudgy, drunk, whiny-voiced doofus with all the charm, wit, and sex appeal of a grub worm. The models and actresses reveal themselves to be overweight or skanky beyond belief. The poseurs and assholes reveal themselves to be helpless overweight women, tongue-tied dorks, and old people. The adoring crowds are replaced by embarrased and scornful people.

Eventually the real Tucker Max wakes up with a terrible hangover and begins another day. What was the dream? What was the reality?

Of course, this might be more suitable for The Horror Channel. . .

Anonymous said...

very well done. you'd want to include the part where tucker dries his tears with his university of chicago and duke law degrees that he thinks are harvard caliber.

Anonymous said...

i don't care what any of you say, jada may not be hot in a supermodel way, but if i met her in real life and felt like i had a chance i would definetely try to tap that shit. no doubt i'd bail in the morning though.

Anonymous said...

Great, more jada spam.

She's fugly, and a half wit.

And she needs to find a better way to advertise than polluting blogs.

Anonymous said...

i see how it is. you're all such super-studs that only the most jaw-droppingly beautiful women meet your standards.

i'm truly humbled to be in your collective presence.

Anonymous said...

I propose another format:

A sexually frustrated chump comes home from a blind date gone bad/drinking at the bar/etc. He starts jacking off while reading penthouse forum, then imagines himself in that scenario, seducing the very girls that rejected him just hours ago.

Anonymous said...

I think you're right. That stupid bitch is infesting this blog like an std.

Anonymous said...

very well done. you'd want to include the part where tucker dries his tears with his university of chicago and duke law degrees that he thinks are harvard caliber.

No need to rip on Duke and U of C. I'm sure that they've realized their mistake in admitting him.

Anonymous said...

there is a need because tucker likes to overstate their prestige and morons believe him. let me lay it out for you: the university of chicago has some incredible faculty, yes, but it's student body is not super-impressive. they're kids who didn't get into a lot of other schools (because they suck) so they go "where fun comes to die". when tucker applied and was admitted, they would've been accepting close to 70% of all applicants. even today, the number is close to 50%.

as for duke law, please. it ain't yale, it ain't harvard, it ain't michigan or u of c or stanford. it's not that great. tucker likes to make both schools out to be the creme of the crop, but neither would be considered first tier. nonetheless, he was lucky to get in. i'll grant you that.

Anonymous said...

^
Actually it underscores the need to enroll your kids in a quality prep school. The better prep schools get preference from all of the top-tier colleges. The cycle continues with graduate schools, as they tend to prefer graduates from top-tier colleges.

What does it mean, within the context of a Tucker Max, Douchebag blog? It means that Tucker's dad spent some serious bucks on Tucker's prep education. However, Tucker seems to have faltered a bit at University of Chicago, as the best he could do was Duke Law. Now Duke Law is an excellent law school, but it is definitely a step down from the University of Chicago. Needless to say, we all know how Tucker performed once he was outside the stabilizing influence of school; his life has continued on a downward trend.

Anonymous said...

the better prep schools get preference over the mediocre ones like the one tucker went to. they don't get real preference over kids from public schools and probably not kids from cheap private schools either. these ivy league people loathe privilege. it's self-loathing really. almost all of them were privileged themselves, whether they know it or not.

Anonymous said...

Gee, you learn something new everyday.

Now why didn't I notice that at Yale?

Anonymous said...

you people obviously don't know shit about getting into a top law school. i dislike tucker as much as the next guy because he is a lying shithead. however, to say that duke is not an excellent law school is a gross overstatement. obviously it isn't Harvard, Stanford, or Yale, but it is in the top 10. and i don't know anyone who thinks u of michican is a much better school than duke. is michigan ranked one or two spots ahead of duke? big fucking deal. maybe that makes a difference to Wachtell Lipton Rosen & Katz, but it won't matter to 99% of employers.

who gives a shit which prep school tucker attended? there are many things that can be mentioned about tucker's shortcomings, but it seems childish to mention his prep school. there are many people at the very top schools that went to public high school so I don't see what the big deal is.

Anonymous said...

first guy, maybe it's because you didn't actually go to yale, or you're just warping the experience. there are more kids at yale most likely from stuyvesant and bronx science than every prep school put together.

second guy, the top law firms are the people you're trying to impress by going to a top law school. that's where the big bucks and prestige are to be found, not in being some bottom-feeding piece of shit ambulance chaser. i'm not saying duke ain't good, i'm saying tucker makes it seem like harvard, which it isn't.

Anonymous said...

Can someone explain the whole Alexa ranking thing? Tucker and his crew like to brag about their Alexa ranking but people I work with say that Alexa rankings mean nothing.

Anonymous said...

I believe that Alexa rankings are based on the Internet websites viewed by people who have an Alexa toolbar installed on their browsers. If a higher than normal percetnage of the people who view his website have the toolbar, his ranking will be artifically high.

The problem with Alexa is that the rankings are not based on a truly random sample. I would bet that people who have installed the Alexa toolbar tend to be young. Older people are generally adverse to installing things like that on their computer.

Anonymous said...

The issue of institutions of higher education isn't important here. US News and World Report annually ranks the best, and both Duke and U of C are consistently in the Top 10:

Click here for the list

Every school grants at least some adequate students admission, especially if daddy waves some cash.

That being said, Tucker Max is a douchebag.

Anonymous said...

I went to Yale, though your skepticism is warranted under the circumstances. I am also acutely sensitive as to schooling, as I graduated from a public high school. I had a bit of culture shock during my first year at Yale, as I wasn't expecting so many prep school kids, or legacies for that matter. Then again, I also expected a more diverse student body. There isn't much cultural discovery when your peers are all seemingly white, upper-middle class, and raised in NJ, CT or NY.

Some of my classmates did attend public schools, just not as many as you seem to imply. And the classmates who did graduate from a public school frequently graduated from an elite institution. But the institutions that you mentioned are quite elite, and inaccessible to kids that are landlocked geographically. For families geographically challenged, the parents have to spend serious money on prep schools. That is my point.

Anyway, this isn't about me, and I hate using my educational background for either prestige (ha) or bolster my online ego. I am just someone who at first enjoyed Tucker Max, but then became convinced that he was full of shit. That isn't a crime; it certainly ranks below the stupid antics of Aleksey Vaynor (sp?), the Yale undergrad who humiliated himself using video.

What makes Max interesting is that like Vaynor, he is a reasonably bright (albeit clueless) Internet egotist. Normally social conventions allow us to keep our egos in check, as people roll their eyes, change the subject, etc. On the Internet, you don't get those social cues. If you're clueless, you also can develop peer relationships with dweebs; folks that in real-life you would avoid, once you size them up visually. Tucker's ego, lack of common sense, and inability to process visual cues has created an empire of misfits.

Anyway, that's my point of view.

Anonymous said...

spread the word about tucker max among your yale buddies

Anonymous said...

i think you're exagerrating. what is your definition of prep school? is it a boarding school like tucker attended, or just any super-expensive private school? what about the significantly less expensive catholic schools (i guess these are more common in the midwest)? you're definetely exagerrating about the legacies. combine every single admit to yale college who had a parent or grandparent to went to the college, the professional schools or the relatively non-selective graduate schools, and you've still only got 14% of the total class. only 1st generation legacy admits get the advantage, which really isn't too much of an advantage as any admissions officer will tell you. as a matter of fact, it's about as much benefit as a kid who grew up in a rural, underrepresented area and went to a public high school.

this is off topic, though. have i mentioned that i think tucker has a tiny dick?

Anonymous said...

his yale buddies would be too busy sucking cocks.

Anonymous said...

You're welcome to your opinion. It just isn't from a personal experience.

And yes, Tucker has small penis syndrome.

Anonymous said...

whatever happened to Slingblade?

Anonymous said...

one day while sodomizing tucker, he was swallowed by max's gaping anus and hasn't been heard from since.

David Kowalski said...

It's good that everyone can rally around a web site trying to spite Tucker Max. Whatever your beef is with him, that's fine--really it is. I'm not here to defend his honor in any way, shape, or form--simply to point out the flaws in your own "exclusive" scheme to deface an already admitted prick.

McBeef whatever the fuck your name is, I have a few pointers for you.

1) If you are going to question someone's credibility, you better be doing your damnedest to defend your own. By registering a domain with improper spelling, you're kind of shooting yourself in the foot.

2) Your name isn't really Cockly, and if you are trying to do some serious expose journalism, you may want to have enough balls to use a real name--at the very least pick an assumed name that doesnt make you sound like a 13 year old counter-strike player with a vendetta.

3) Certainly Tucker Max exaggerates in his stories. I have a question for you: Have you ever been drunk once in your life? Unless you have hired a full fledged camera crew to chronicle your nights out, you are not going to have the sharpest of recollections.

4) When virtually every source on your site is anonymous, its pretty much the tabloid equivilent to your run the mill "Jessica Simpson Gives Virgin Birth To Alien Twins".

5) Anyone who expects to be taken seriously should at the very least be able to be contacted. By not conceding that your own insights should be challenged and confronted equally--if not more than the ones you yourself are challenging, you are again shooting yourself in the foot.

6) Stop being such cunt. Sure people hate Tucker Max. I hate the religious right, boy bands, and you, but I'm not going around making anti-fan sites about it, am I? Get a fucking hobby, learn how to knit or something. If you want to continue living this utter dillusion that you have any reason to be publishing on the web, take some scripting classes and develop your own goddamn blog site.

CockFace McILikeBeef, you sir are a "douce".

Feel free to reply:

lunchboxxx@wideopenwest.com

Anonymous said...

Forgive me if I'm behind the times and this has been posted, but I think it's classic TM douchebagged-ness. What a a guy. What a real man. What a fucking (expletive) complete asshole.

"...Dude, there's girls I've [expletive] over that I think was [expletive], but like [expletive] like that. But mostly the bad [expletive] I did between like 20 and 24, 25 and that was back when I didn't understand...."

Cool! Read the whole thing here

Mom of David Kowalski said...

"Get a fucking hobby, learn how to knit or something."

Funny. Like that's ever been used. Sausage.

Amanda Barnes said...

Dave...you are fucking hysterical. Keep up the good work.

Amanda Barnes said...

oh..btw for the genius at the top of the page. It's Opie and ANTHONY...not Andy.

Anonymous said...

Dave Kowalski = Tucker Max

And Tuck, it's "delusion", not "dillusion". This country is getter dumber and dumber. Soon we will all speak Mandarin.

Cockly McBeefwell said...

David Kowalski, when are you hosting your seminar on investigative journalism? I suppose I should attend.

Seriously, why are being such a bitch? Look at this blog. Does this look like CNN to you? Does it really matter if you, David Kowalski, don't take me seriously? In case you could not tell from the typical several week interval in between posts, this is not my full time job. This is an entertainment website. If you don't like it then leave.

Of course I have been drunk before, along with most of the people leaving comments. Is there a point to your question? Tucker gets drunk and then writes outrageous stories on his website but has no proof and tries to pass them off as the truth.

Anonymous said...

kowalski, fuck off you pollack shithead.

Anonymous said...

why has no one commented about the David Kowalski's mom's lack of knowledge on the use of sarcasm??

The proper way to insult david would have been "like that's never been used" if you were going to use ever, you should have said "like no one has ever used that before"

and the obvious racism on this website is ridiculous..we are in america people...the cultural melting pot..get used to "pollack shit heads" being around

Anonymous said...

It's cool that David left his real name so that we can look up his pictures online:

http://www.exet.nu/html/bildarkiv/goatse.shtml

Oh - did he write David Kowalski?
I thought he wrote David Goatse!

Anonymous said...

i'm not just racist, i just don't like stupid fucking pollacks like this fag kowalski.

Anonymous said...

yeah...I'm sure that's what Dave looks like.

Anonymous said...

Some of the submissions for tuckers show on this page are absolutely hystercal. I would bet my left nut they are 1,000 times funnier then his actual show.

David said...

Listen, I'm being honest here; call me racist names all day, I can take it, I promise.

Now if you want to make yourself look just a bit more bright, you'll stop posting dirty pictures and calling names, and maybe defend your position a bit?

... holy Jesus ... rational logic as a means of defense? Nooo ...

Anonymous said...

i just don't like stupid fucking pollacks

Don't make fun of Poland. If King Jan Sobieski hadn't been around, the fucking Turks would've taken over Europe. The Polish mathematicians at Blechley Park did a heck of a lot to break the German codes during WWII.

Just because this clown likes Tucker doesn't mean a whole group of people suck.

Mom of David Kowalski said...

Stop getting yourself worked-up and come back to bed, son.

Anonymous said...

David K: Obviously, a lot of people here are no smarter than the idiots who buy 100 percent into the truth of Tucker's stories. Instead of accusing them of things found on nearly every thread on his board (ignorance, racism, anonymous slander, unfounded, outrageous claims, no real sense of humor) why don't you try attacking some of the more legitimate claims to be found here? Such as this article, (http://www.penguinblogs.ca/davidson/archives/00000079.html) which more than anything, debunks every boast Tucker's ever made. And if it's totally untrue, why doesn't Tucker make a thread about it on his site, tearing it to pieces? I have no doubt he's read it, realized he had no recourse, and has decided to ignore it.

Anonymous said...

opie & anthony: tucker deletes all mention of it on his blog, his board and anyone who mentions it is banned instantly.

case closed.

Anonymous said...

that link to the penguin blogs doesn't work.

Anonymous said...

Penguin Blog =

http://tinyurl.com/282n5x

Anonymous said...

I just realized something. Several people have pointed out that your average professional comedian has way more entertaining stories than Tucker. If Tucker's show gets on the air, they'll obviously try and salvage it by exaggerating the details of his stories, making them more outrageous, making up entirely new stories, etc. No doubt Tucker's fans will question this and he'll explain to them how TV execs change stuff and rewrite scripts, but in doing so, he'll be forced to admit that his stories just aren't GOOD enough for TV.

He won't be able to defend the TV stories as being true, but then his entire gimmick--all my stories are outrageous and true--is dead. And then he has nothing.

Anonymous said...

the following was posted on the tmmb just yesterday:

Last december me and two girls went in on a handle of gin for a party with the intention of us drinking gin and tonics and having a great time. I personally attacked the gin like it had insulted my mother. It ended up bending me over and calling me it's bitch.

So I started mixing 50-50 gin and tonics in standard 12 oz solo cups. In the space of 2 hours, I had 5 of them. Roughly around 30 ounces of Gin. That's not counting the trays of jello shots were going around. Those were evil, they tasted so bad compared to the gin and tonics, but had a swedish fish at the bottom. So everytime I finished one I was happy. I'm thinking I had anywhere from 3-8 of them, though the reports do vary. And one beer. This was all from about 9 to 11 at night. At about 11:01 I fell down and realized I needed to leave for the safety of all around me.


I can't stand the taste of gin yet, especially gin and tonics. I'll give it a few more months.


Edit: Sorry, typed 3 for some reason. I had 5 gin and tonics.


that edit at the end is classic. you typed 3 instead of 5? huh?

Anonymous said...

Here's another perfect example of the tmmb storytelling coolness. Contrived? Formulated? Oh yeah.

Please help me name the obligatory tm story elements after reading:


After my girlfriend dumped me when I lived in Phoenix last year I decided the only way to get over the worthless cuntstick was to drink myself into a beer-induced coma. Lucky for me, the grocery store down the street had 12 packs of Miller High Life on sale for $4.99. I bought seven 12 packs. I stacked them into the fridge all nicely and commenced drinking around 9:15pm:

(here the author posts a stock photo of a fridge loaded with beer, no doubt trying to convince readers that it's actually HIS refrigerator! neat!)

My roommate and I plowed through three cases of the cheap shit before midnight. He blacked out somewhere around 5am. I kept chugging away. I watched all three American Pie movies until noon when I realized I came under the distinct impression that I was fucking obliterated. On top of that, I only had three beers left.

So I did the next logical thing and stumbled down to the pool "to sober up". In the 110° Phoenix weather. Really, in my drunk mind I thought that was the best course of action. Sometimes my stupidity even amazes me.

Long story semi-short, I made it to the pool. I blacked out on the pavement, rolled into the water and almost drowned, got burnt to a nice tomato color hue, and woke up at 10pm on the grass next to the pool with third degree burns and my car keys.

Apparently, before I even stumbled down to the pool I moved my car for whatever reason. I was so drunk I forgot where I parked my car. I was too hung over to bother looking and lost my car for two days. That is exactly how long it took my body to recover from that binge. I definately wasn't living the high life after that.

Anonymous said...

Did he just say "I watched all three American Pie movies?"

Anonymous said...

believe it or not fucktard, this country was born w/Christian beliefs. ~tuckermaxdoucebag.blogspot.com

First off, lame and wrongheaded. You obviously have no idea who wrote the Constitution, or with what intent.

And secondly, how sad is it to devote your time to trying to make someone look bad, no matter how much of a "douche" you think they are? Why not simply do something productive on your own?

Maybe if you did, you'd have enough impact on the world that some loser might devote hours of his time trying to make YOU look like a douchebag, something this site has sadly accomplished on its own.

Missile Gyny

Anonymous said...

^^^^^^^

hahahaha AWESOME!! TMMB followers are coming this site!

Anonymous said...

Actually "missle gyny", it was. Me thinks you need to read up a little bit on our nation's history, hell even just google "constitution christianity" and check out the first result.

What a misguided individual.

Anonymous said...

A great post from "Missile":

I suffer from primary anorgasmia, an extremely rare condition in men in which orgasm is impossible. In my case, I believe its caused by a faulty glandipudendal reflex nerve.

I went to go see a urologist about it before I had self-diagnosed. I told him my symptoms, he asked "Really? Never?" and went to go consult his books.

Five minutes later he comes back into the room.

"It's on the house".


I call bullshit. You forgot to tell the doc that you can't orgasm "with a female". Homo.

Anonymous said...

tucker's new board color scheme sucks hard cock.

Anonymous said...

looks like a shiny turd

Anonymous said...

it is awesome that losers from tmmb are coming here to complain. why do they all have stupid names like "Missile Gyny"

Anonymous said...

Yet another calculated, contrived "story" by Missile Gyny (nice name?), all about his bad self:

I was, until the age of 7 or so, evil personified. Once I learned how to read, it seemed to soothe the darkness inside of me, but here are some stories my dad has told me.

At 4, at a wedding, I grabbed the bride's boobs and clung on until physically removed.

At 5, when my dad wouldn't rent a video I wanted, I literally dropped trou and pissed all over the movie rack.

At 5, I pointed to a HUGE black guy and started saying how fat and ugly he was, and how my dad could take him. The black guy was not amused.


Hmmmm. I guess that made you...what - a Tucker Max kid? Cool.
Oh, and 'reading' soothed him.

What a lying jagoff.

Anonymous said...

I stand corrected. Clearly, you've got lots of things to do with your time.

Missile Gyny.

Anonymous said...

Oh, and what the heck. What is your basis for thinking the Constitution is Christian? The Sunday clause? The usage of AD as the date? That's pretty much the only evidence there is, sadly. The nation was founded by deists, and there are lots of prominent early Americans who actively resented the fact that Christianity wasn't encouraged or enforced in any meaningful way. Any claim that the nation was founded on "Christian" morality ignores the fact that the constitution contained NO reference to the ten commandments throughout, nor to any other Christian doctrine. It is, in other words, the pipe dream of retards.

Anonymous said...

So we know what Missile was (evil!) at ages 4-7. What has happened since? He's happy to tell all in his super-boring, fabricated stories on the TMMB. A little research provided this semi-chronological bio of Missile Gyny, based on the first lines of his posts:

I was like 10 years old, and I was hanging out at a stable.

I was a tiny kid in middle school, and so a pretty easy target. Some kid came up behind me and tried to kick me in the balls, but ended up getting his foot caught between my legs and fell.

I remember going to the pool back when I was the absolute tiniest kid at my high school, around 90 pounds, 5 foot even.

Around 8th grade there was this really irritating kid who would hang out at my lunch table. He was one of those fucking ginger kids, and he had this habit of just screaming shit at maximum volume with no provocation. So one day, I got really tired of this, so I told him "Shut up, you fucking heterosexual"

I was in an asylum when I was 15.

I had this enormously fat, creepy French teacher in my senior year of high school.

I don't know why this is, but the soles of my hands and feet are freakishly, babyishly soft.

I was talking to a very devout Born-Again Christian girl, who was VERY excited about having babies.

I was 18, and working for the Atlanta Journal Constitution selling newspapers door to door.

I'm hanging out at my apartment, which I share with my three roommates. I'm feeling pretty bored, so when the I hear a knock at the door and there's this really hot girl there along with a good, attached friend of mine, I was pretty happy.

It's my first serious girlfriend, I'm like 19 so it's obvious I hadn't had much game before this point.

I used to live with this weird, but attractive girl. She had asked me to move in with her platonically, and she was really hot, so I agreed on the premise that I could use her to bait other attractive girls.

It was my 20th birthday, I was wasted. My beer goggles were on so firmly that rather than going with some more appealing options, I ended up hooking up with this weird-ass two-star friend of my ex-girlfriend's.

A friend of mine had just been broken up with by his girlfriend, and he got so drunk he vomited all over my carpet

I got a job working as a paralegal, for which I was completely and totally unqualified. I got hired over the phone by some batshit lady whose friend had recommended me because I'd sold him a laptop at Office Depot.

For me it was the time I was at a party when I was about 20 or so. My sister offered me a chocolate, which I wasn't particularly in the mood for. My friend, more than twice my weight, took it, and spent the rest of the night tweaking and hallucinating feverishly.

Now, in my life, I've seen some pretty dorky things. Atlanta has a Dragon Con every year, and kids dressed up as elves and storm troopers parade through the streets. I've never really minded. I figure if a volcano god ever needs virgins, hey, we have a steady supply.

It was May of 2005. I was living in a shithole apartment with three friends of mine, not going to school, and I was managing to strike out on a regular basis at fucking UGA.

My roommates and I have a rule. As long as you're drunk, it's still your birthday. So I was on my third day of birthdaydom, waking up next to some random who had scratched my back all to hell.

So last year I'm living with this guy who is the loudest, whiniest pansy-assed bitch ever.

My great-uncle Henry Fleischman was a con artist. As far as my mother's side of the family goes, I've been told that my great-great grandmother in Portugal was kidnapped and held for ransom by some petty thug. Her family was too poor and too indifferent to pay to get her back, so that thug is my great great grandfather.

My aunt is 55 years old. She is married to a 38 year old Austrian biochemist.

I don't usually FEEL very nervous. I tend to enjoy nerve-wracking situations, because I'll think more clearly, act more forcefully, etcetera.

Anonymous said...

Holy shit - so he went from newspaper salesman to Office Depot to paralegal ?

Sure you did, Ass Missile.

Anonymous said...

Wow. Missile Gyny sounds like a total cocksucking faggot.

Anonymous said...

"Here's another perfect example of the tmmb storytelling coolness. Contrived? Formulated? Oh yeah."

That's what makes the whole board so repetitive. Another post here mentioned the Freak Safari site. I had a look and was surprised by the number of TMMB members who seemed to be blossoming as oddly likeable, though still warped, posters.

Most TMMB posts lack individuality and freshness, and I think that's down to the limited range of TMMB "personality types" that the board considers to be acceptable forms of humanity. The whole site is an exercise in hostility, self importance, intellectual aspirations and navel gazing "manliness". Much like Tucker Max himself.

Anonymous said...

while perusing the lame tmmb posts, take note of the excessive use of the word 'alpha.'

They (his club of lemming zombies) call themselves 'alphas.' How homo is that??

Anonymous said...

Here's another by a TMMB cocksucker called "Sonik." Apparently he fancies himself as a 23-year old alcoholic that can tolerate huge amounts of Steel Reserve. Great! His neat avatar is a beer label.

Two days ago it rained in San Diego. During a lull in our intense rainstorm (I think we got half an inch in the higher elevations) I decided to walk down the street to the liquor store to pick up more of my ghetto swill (see avatar). Next to the liquor store is a do-it-yourself car wash. Much to my dismay I notice six different car owners washing their prized possessions while it's misting outside. The forecast called for more scattered showers throughout the night and into the morning. I'm sure the dark rain clouds might have been another clue that rain was imminent, but I digress.

How pointless is it to waste $5 on a car wash when nature was going to do it for free? They should have paid me a stupid fee of $5 to finance my alcoholism, which would have made more sense.


This was Sonik's response to the TMMB topic entitled, "What is the most pointless thing you've ever done or seen somebody do?"

Yes, that was the most pointless thing ever witnessed by Sonik.

Anonymous said...

Here's Sonik's response to the comment from a fellow dickhead that read "I just wanted to be out fucking as many girls as I possibly could"

That would be Tucker's approach as well as many other users on this board. Hey, if it works for you, then yippy.

When I broke up with my demonslut ex-girlfriend I thought the solution to my loneliness and broken heart was sex. A lot of it. I had just ended a 2 and a half year relationship and wanted to explore my newfound sexual freedom.

Even though I was able to validate my masculinity temporarily through sex, I still couldn't shake the fact that it was just sex. With the demonslut it was something more. We were truely in love at the time and it was meaningful. So making the transition from a loving relationship to vapid encounters with sororitutes was a shell shocking experience for me. Granted, I still dropped massive jizz bombs on as much tail as I could, but over time I learned to differentiate between "just sex" and "making love" and not confusing the two.

So your advice might be kind of moot if he's unable to mentally separate the two. The last thing a broken guy wants to do is fall in love with the first piece of vaginal filth that gives him attention.


Now THAT's a man! I mean an alpha.

Anonymous said...

the last vaginal filth that guy i ever saw was his mother's on the day of his birth.

Anonymous said...

David Kowalski said...

...

Feel free to reply:

lunchboxxx@wideopenwest.com

2/08/2007 6:29 PM


Hi, Tucker.

Amanda Barnes said...

Dave...you are fucking hysterical. Keep up the good work.

2/08/2007 6:50 PM


Hi, Tucker.

Tucker Max said...

Seriously guys, you don't get me, seriously. It's about living the life you want to live, which is about how I live, which involves me, and that's what I mean. So next time you donkey-punch some homeless man or fuck a fat girl, think of me, okay? Please, I really need the validation. And for you haters out there who call me a douchebag well, you just don't understand my pain. Nobody does, and that's why I'm Tucker Max. Now excuse me while I go dot my nipples with whipped cream and think of how much of a bestseller I am. Goodbye, you lovely boys.

Anonymous said...

Those most recent stories, for some reason compell me to share this tidbit...

Nine years ago, a scary raggedy 30-something crack-ho bitch just fucking WALTZED in to my apartment through the open garage door, in suburban Chicago, yelling, "FEMALE IN DISTRESS!!!!"

My buddy and I, who were sitting there after a long night of bar hopping, enjoying bongs and watching TV and listening to music, jumped up like "Holy Shit!", and we see this bleach blonde bimbo redneck before us.

Long story short, she blew me, I fucked her ass with no condom and came in it, then drove her back to her car at the local biker bar at sunrise.

Oh yeah, she had just ditched one of my neighbors, scramming from his apartment with his fucking wallet, which had around $400 cash in it. For some reason, she gave me half of it, which I kept, and then I gave the empty wallet to the apartment management office, claiming I found it in my driveway.

She also told me the reason she chose my apartment was that my buddy had no hubcaps, therefore she assumed we were black. (we aren't)

True story.

Anonymous said...

(I'm the guy who wrote "Hi Tucker" and then the post about the scraggly ho barging into my apt)

Tucker Max said...

Seriously guys, you don't get me, seriously. It's about living the life you want to live, which is about how I live, which involves me, and that's what I mean. So next time you donkey-punch some homeless man or fuck a fat girl, think of me, okay? Please, I really need the validation. And for you haters out there who call me a douchebag well, you just don't understand my pain. Nobody does, and that's why I'm Tucker Max. Now excuse me while I go dot my nipples with whipped cream and think of how much of a bestseller I am. Goodbye, you lovely boys.

2/10/2007 11:39 PM

I bet that's really him.

It does sound like him, and I just get that general vibe. If I'm right, I can give him credit for posting that here.

Anonymous said...

From the tmmb, posted last night:

A few weeks ago, me and my friends decided we were going to test the limits of how crazy we could get. We started pregaming at like 7:30, and I don't even know how long we kept going. However long it takes to finish The Notebook. We got a totally fucking sick drinking game going where every time the couple had a tender look, you had to take a sip of Mike's Hard. I had to have pounded at least 3 by the time the movie ended. Well, 2 and a half, but the night was yet young! Am I right?! After that, we headed out to a totally fucking wicked party some frat was throwing. The honeys were everywhere, my game was tight, the other guys there were total fags, I was fucking primed for some pussy. But being the crazy mofo I am (seriously, ask my friends), I decided to get in a fight. Not with any of the pussies there. No, I got double-teamed by two bad dudes- motherfuckin' Bartles and his buddy James. I had to have had like 4 Fuzzy Navels within a few hours- hilarity SO ensued. I was so plastered, when I got the girls number, I couldn't remember whether the last digit was a 3 or a 8. Didn't even know where my head was, bro.

Anonymous said...

Same prick, this time on the subject of manliness:

I think one of the biggest displays of manliness I have ever witnessed was going grocery shopping along with my grandfather when I was young. He and a few friends of his were taking me and my cousins on our first hunting trip, and we were stocking up on supplies. My grandfather decided to buy, along with the bottled water, jerky, etc. a dozen roses and a card for my grandmother as a going away present. One his buddies tried making some crack about him being whipped. My grandfather simply turned around, flowers in hand, and stared at him. The friend nervously chuckles, yet my grandfather simply stands there, staring him right in the eyes, not saying a word.

Whoa!

Anonymous said...

just wanted to point this out. on tucker's website, there are pictures of him at law school grad and at a friend's wedding. notice, he is one of two guys not wearing a suit at grad, and at the wedding, he is wearing a white tshirt under his jacket.

Anonymous said...

That's because it's Tucker's "uniform." And white tees are one shade lighter than his pasty, doughy, soft flesh.

Anonymous said...

it's his own pathetic attempt at a fashion statement. i'm sure he gets all the hottest chicks though.

i know i keep harping on this, but how unbelievably gay is rudius media? for a start, the name is shit and stolen from a corny movie with some of the cheesiest special effects i've ever seen. second, how the fuck does it give anybody freedom? any moron can set up a website. it takes all the skill and ability of a precocious 12 year old. the site designs look like absolute shit too, so you can rule that out. tucker takes 50% of your site's revenue for providing nothing, and he acts like he's liberating you from something. what a shithead he is.

Anonymous said...

Everyone knows that 'Rudius' was decided after an extensive search for words like 'rude' and 'alpha' amounted to nothing.

Maybe TM didn't realize that 'rudii' are for ceremonial purposes only. How perfect. It's essentially a bullshit showboat sword, longer being "better." How cool.

It's like a building manager with the giant set of keys; hear 'em jingle? That means 'I'm in charge.'

Anonymous said...

Ok, The dude claims to have drunk (with his roomy) 7 12-packs of miller high life in a 15 hour stretch.

That's 7.875 gallons.

At 4.7% alcohol, that's .37 gallons (almost 2 fifths) of pure alcohol. A fifth of hard alcohol (80 proof) is only .08 gallons of alcohol.

After that, he watched all 3 american pie movies? not a chance.

He died and went to hell.

Anonymous said...

Tucker's funny, impressing himself lately with meetings involving "men in suits" and going to conferences. Welcome to the real world, buddy, it's about time you started to grow up.

Anonymous said...

Comment #200 - new post please!

«Oldest ‹Older   1 – 200 of 519   Newer› Newest»