The story below was copied from a
Facebook.com account. A link to this story in the comments to an older post awhile ago.
Tucker Max's face, meet Megan ******'s hand
Megan was discussing ball shaving with a nice man at a tailgate. Good start to this story;) NE ways, Tucker Max was also at the tailgate and started talking shit to Megan (he obviously thought she was a hot girl who would sleep w/ him if acted like an asshole, and he was showing off in front of his buddies). Megan hit him on the arm, and he said that meant Megan wanted to fuck him because if she hit him in the face, then he'd know she was mad. She then dissed his elastic waistband (yes, he was wearing elastic waistband shorts, what is he, 12?), and he said "its so stupid bitch whores like you can suck my dick without any confusion." So she slapped him in the face!!!
Tucker threw his drink at her, Candice threw her drink at Tucker with lightning fast reflexes, then he proceeded to grab Megan by her hair and hit her in the face with his pathetically small hands. With a bruised face, and a bruised ego, he took his shriveled penis back to his buddies.
In Tucker Max's own words, "My name is Tucker Max, and I am an asshole." Oh, and he hits girls.
15,917 comments:
«Oldest ‹Older 15801 – 15917 of 15917He wasn't, but he should have been.
when it comes to making good movies, tucker is a renegade.
This blog never works
This blog? Not work? Whaaaaaat?
This blog works all night and sleeps all day! It likes to press wildflowers! It puts on women's clothing and hangs around in bars!
^
OH FUCK, EVEN THE CHINESE GUY'S SPAM MESSAGES ARE BREAKING DOWN!
IT'S THE FUCKING APOCALYPSE!
--- EVERYBODY PANIC ---
One of the major selling points of that wholly remarkable book, The Hitch-Hiker's Guide To The Galaxy, apart form its relative cheapness and the fact that it has the words 'Don't Panic' written in large friendly letters on the cover, is its compendious and occasionally accurate glossary. For instance, the statistics relating to the go-social nature of the Universe are deftly set out between pages five hundred and seventy six thousand three hundred and twenty four, and five hundred and seventy six thousand three hundred and twenty six. The simplistic style is partly explained by the fact that its editors, having to meet a publishing deadline, copied the information off the back of a pack of breakfast cereal, hastily embroidering it with a few footnotes in order to avoid prosecution under the incomprehensibly tortuous Galactic copyright laws. It is interesting to note that a later and wilier editor sent the book backwards in time through a temporal warp and then successfully sued the breakfast cereal company for infringement of the same laws.
From what I recall, the 'TV show' deal was that Tibor would have to pay Massler $10 000 if he lost, wheras Massler would have to get a vasectomy so he could never reproduce.
Which was quite comical, if it hadn't basically ruined the board with two lisping queens flapping their handbags at each other for the following month.
Anyway, good to see a bit of life in this place again! And Cockly, what is your story if you're not Cloud Sherminator? A TMMB renegade perhaps? Now that the dust has settled - on Tibor's "career", mostly - are you willing to let the mask slip a little? No details required, just out of interest...
KTAT
wang patrol
We
Are
Nice
Guys
Slow
I was never under the impression that Cockly was Justin Massler. Massler is pretty transparent whenever he writes in that he has a whiny tone and is blatantly narcissistic (like Tucker). Check out Justin's blog, you can easily see that he made a few supportive entries as an anonymous poster.
Has anyone noticed that "Beer in Hell" has fallen off the New York Times supplmental Paperback Nonfiction bestseller list?
"Beer in Hell" hasn't been on the list since 2/28/2010.
The ride is over, Tucker.
If Tucker isn't bragging about it, no, nobody's going to notice where it is or isn't.
Tibor, lol.
Tucker Max, liar and douchebag extraordinaire, is finished.
The remainder of his life will be the continual punchline to an epically funny joke he will never get.
http://www.nytimes.com/2010/04/25/books/bestseller/bestpapernonfiction.html?ref=bestseller
Tucker's book is #16 on the supplemental list this week. Don't know what the guy above is looking at.
"if tucker isn't bragging about it"
conclusion: 4/12 10:18 was Tucker
NICE GOING URIST
Bunny is almost done....with my cock.
A piece from the Guardian about an author faking Amazon reviews:
http://www.guardian.co.uk/books/2010/apr/23/historian-orlando-figes-amazon-reviews-rivals
Best line: "contaminent slime". Hello, Tucker!
Has Tucker sold six million dvds yet?
I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell has sold a total of 16922 copies.
Where are those numbers from? Your ass?
Cool... if the DVD numbers are real, then Tucker will hit the 10 million DVDs sold mark sometime in the year of 2146.
This proves that "Beer in Hell" (the movie) is also destined to be part of the American Canon.
Wow, first post in nearly two weeks. I miss the gold ole days when every day he gave us new material with which to mock him. "sigh".
Its so sad to come back after a break and see nothing new. Max! hear me! say something! anything!
I am working on an absolutely mindblowing opportunity right now that came my way when some serious movers and shakers in Hollywood called me up and offered me serious wads of cash just to talk about a business entertainment venture they have in mind using my material.
Now, I didn't say these people are Michael Bay and Steven Spielberg, but I didn't say they aren't, either.
I can't say anything about this in detail, so I'll just say the working title is: "The Tucker Max Story: New Glory". For those of you attending the black-tie dinner being held in my honor at the national opera building in Rome next month, I'll have a few more tidbits then. Maybe.
DO NOT email me about this. More later.
Tucker
still fuckedup
I'm a HUGE literary star.
~KungFu Mike
Movie sales must be near ten million by now?
I don't think anyone has pointed out the obvious for a few weeks: Nils is fat & Tucker is a douchebag.
TODAY IN THE OBAMANOCOMY!
The Treasury department reports a net deficit for April 2010 of $113 billion. April is the month when people pay their taxes and thus one would expect lots of money coming in. Receipts for April in the last 10 years listed a Treasury surplus in all but two years: those two exceptions were 2004 and, hey presto, 2009.
How does one explain this? Easy! Jobless people don't pay taxes! SIMPLE! FUN! LOGIC FOR THE WHOLE FAMILY!
boogedy boogedy boogedy BOO
AND A WALLA WALLA BING BONG TOO
I just wanted to say Thank you Tucker. We're going to miss laughing at your attempts to impress socially dysfuntional Internet dweebs who (like you) needed validation. Thank you for the supplying us with laughter as each transparent lie about your book, movie and life became exposed. Thank you for the Rudius Air, the archery/gun range, and the many other pipe dreams that you were delusional enough to publically announce. Thank you for the Opie & Anthony show appearance which revealed to the world what a clueless and slow-witted dimwit you really are in real life.
I suppose like Tinkerbell you won't disappear if the masses clap loud enough. But they'll no longer pay your bills, Tucker. And within the next two years they'll find a substitute hero as you're now too mired in failure to ever be worshipped again.
Bix fwepuggip!
I have hair on my lip.
HALP HALP I HAVE HAIR ON MY LIP IM A HORRIBLE HORRIBLE MUTANT HAAAAAALLLLLLPPP
Hey, what's this down here?
Just keep thinking about Baylor's MBA program.
Behold, ye blogges of the TUCKERMAX
All quiet on the Tucker front.
Tuckernuts, tuckernuts in a dish,
How many pieces do you wish?
http://www.asylum.com/2010/04/05/deranged-ivanka-trump-stalker-warns-tucker-max-not-to-cockblock/
This ... this is ... look, just read it:
"What I mean is this: obviously right now she is probably not that into me since she filed these stalking charges and I'm in the dog house with her, but later on I'm going to try to recover and then actually win her over. Plus, if I am a stalker but then later on end up nailing her, that would be a truly Epic Win. I will be the first deranged stalker to later end up banging the exact chick who originally sought to have him put in jail, making me a Legend for Our Times and a Hero to the People."
SUPER EPIC MEGA COCKTACULAR WINSAUCE, yes?
GO GO CLOUD STARCHASER ULTRA SUPER SEDUCER POWERZZZZ!!!
Tell you what, Cloud: if _I_ meet Ivanka, I'll put in a good word for you. Promise.
Although you'd be better off understanding the basics of Game and remaking yourself into a man worthy of the name. And by the time that's happened, you'll want to be banging 22-year-old Ukrainian chicks, because they'll be hot (they always are), and Ivanka will be getting saggy.
Go east, young man!
I wish someone would post the video of Kung Fu Mike and Cloud "fighting."
horray
@12:54
here
http://www.mediafire.com/?3mzdly5yzim
flash video format
feel free to stick it back on youtube or something, that's where I got it originally
FW: INFORMATION ABOUT LIGHT BULBS ... THIS IS VERY DISTURBING
Whoa! Big monkey! BIG MONKEY!
Thanks for uploading the clip of the infamous Cloud Starchaser - KungFu Mike rumble! KungFu Mike had the upper hand at the beginning but the tables turned when Cloud threw KungFu Mike to the ground. It is unfortunate that KungFu Mike's tubby friend intervened when it was obvious that KungFu Mike was losing.
one upon a time
people used to
watch and wait and
bludgeon small animals to be the one
who could say
who left the very
important message that reads......
this is a repeat story and totally made up. nice try, Mcbeefsmoker.
do NOT email me about this people.
That was some pretty hefty FAIL right there.
It must have been Tucker...
is bunnyblog still babbling about her slutwhore ways? what about riffin' gripes? can't check from work, and work is the only time i am bored enough to remember this stuff
^^^ You haven't heard? The Bunny FINALLY got her book published, and it's a huge hit. Critics are talking it up like nothing since Jonathan Foer. I THINK it hit #1 on this week's NYT list, but you'll have to check to confirm- I'm not totally sure. KungFu Mike's book is due out in a couple of weeks, I think, and people are really starting to talk that one up. Griffin JUST signed a multi-book deal with Simon & Schuster, based off the success and buzz of his website.
Tucker you fucking loser, do something... anything. There has to be something you can fuck up, or some story you can fabricate. At this rate you're going to become some smelly redneck with a beer gut in Austin.
massler is awesome
http://www.quotabletuckermax.com/
images/
mugshot_height_assistance.jpg
Is he really?
If you're from Oklahoma, you shouldn't be upset like that.
I was born in Fort Worth, so I'm a neighbor of yours, or at one time I was.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU PEOPLE ARE STILL POSTING HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!LOSERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
YES YES I CHING-CHONG-CHINAMAN I POST HERE YES
Don't be dissin' Chinese Spam Guy: without him this place would be like a ghost town, or the RMMB.
Oh wait, same thing.
Yay. You guys are still here! I haven't been here since the big premiere. I miss making fun of Tucker. I literally have no one to talk to on the internet now that I don't spend time mocking him...
So sad.
Tucker keeps spoofing the IMBD rating of his movie. I just hope he keeps giving it "10s" until it beats out The Godfather.
It takes real dedication to be a Tucker Max.
Tucker updated his website quite a bit & talks about the next book of bullshit.
My life is ruined. We don't make fun of Tucker anymore like we used to. This was the only thing to keep me feeling better about my miserable own life.
It was nice knowing you guys.
*Grabs shotgun*
Mr. Beeflewell:
I representing attorney firm ELMER CRUMP & SONS, engaged my Mr. TUCKER MAX, am writing to you regarding your false and libelous defamation of my client on the 19th of last October where you engaged in aforesaid alleged repeated libel of my client while typing in Chinese. Rest assured that hiding your malfeasance behind another language will not protect you any more than the laws and we will pursue you to the fullest extent of legal prejudice. We are willing to settle this out of court for $5000 cash.
On a personal matter, I feel I must trust you, as my resarch into this matter indicates you are a good and trustworthy person, I write this message only because I am required to do so for my employment job, but I know you to be a good man. As my late father was the King of Nigeria having made his fortune industrializing old secret recipes for great Nigerian manhood, I could be very rich save that all my father's estate is tied up in a bank subject to control by an English attorney. I happen to know this attorney died in Ivory Coast while engaging in perversions with a three-legged donkey, which means they will wait three more weeks without reply before simply seizing my assets. You could communicate with the bank using details I provide and supplying your own financial information in place of the attorney's so as to impersonate the donkey perverter and and obtain access to the the treasures of natural Nigerian herbal manhood incrementers. I will gladly split all subsequent income from this with you 50/50.
I anticipate your earliest reply to my communication.
Yrs respectfully,
Mr. ROOSTER COCKMAN
Lagos
Nigeria
@3:07
you mean this?
http://tinyurl.com/23n6hxh
hey look, it's nils
http://tinyurl.com/29qk7x4
http://tinyurl.com/28nmsxh
http://tinyurl.com/25m3rer
Does anyone know if Nils has lost weight? Only I haven't read any updates on his girth of late, and would appreciate some clarification on the matter.
^^^
The last three posts are Nils' take-out orders from P.F. Chang's.
In response to previous poster 3 back or so - I have heard, and this is only rumour mind, that Nils is in fact, not thin. Some have gone so far as to postulate that he may in fact be of the wider girth. Not to put too finer point on it, Nils is fat.
Hope this assists.
Thanks, dude! That explains it.
i don't know if anyone else has noticed (seriously, I doubt many people have), but tugger took down his ihtsbih web page(s) and it's redirecting to his blog. Which had a makeover with all his previous shit deleted.
FAIL DAWG!
that ian geek is a wimp
Tuckers new look web site is the beginning of a new revolution in web sites. Do not email him about this people!. More to come.
Keep thinking about Tucker.
Once in a while, a movie comes along that isn't really very good, or well made, or had a lot of money put into it, or exhibited any competence whatsoever, but the people making it where honest and real and gave it a good try, and if you bear with it you'll laugh and enjoy the ride, and in the end you'll think: "Wow, this really was better than "The Hangover"."
yyyy
Once in a while, a movie comes along that isn't really very good, or well made, or had a lot of money put into it, or exhibited any competence whatsoever, but the people making it where honest and real and gave it a good try, and if you bear with it you'll laugh and enjoy the ride, and in the end you'll think: "Wow, this really was better than 'The Hangover'." 'I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell' is NOT that movie.
Keep thinking about Tucker.
6/22/2010 6:34 AM
TATGuy, don't ever change.
Good to see this site is still a first page result for a tucker max google.
tugger, you still fucking suck donkey dick.
@6/28 4:40 Good to see you're still full of crap and spouting wishful thinking as though just repeating it makes it true.
... wait. Tucker, is that you?!
still going
AND GOING
Just stopped by to say I fucked Bunny an hour ago. Just sent her on her way. Bitch knows how to fuck but the cutting scars are a turn off.
KTAT
WWTD
TITSSSSSS
TMIADWLF
@7/08
Tucker Max Is A Dead White Loser Fucker?
Tucker took down his entire revolutionary film blog at the request of the people publishing his book. Apparently the title "Assholes Finish First" doesn't seem plausible when you take into account the film didn't even finish in the top 20 it's opening weekend.
On top of that, his new book is a mess. From what I've heard the publisher rejected about half of his new transcript of AFF and asked for an almost complete rewrite on the rejected parts of his new novel. Their reason is simple, it's basically a collection of bad "B-Sides" from IHTSBIH and are utterly redundant and uninteresting. In short, he's beating a dead horse with some pretty lame stories in AFF.
He has it listed as coming out on Sept 28. I wonder if even he believes that.
"What doth the LORD require of thee, but to do justly, and to love mercy, and to walk humbly with thy God?"- Micah 6:8 (Carved in stone at the entrance to Baylor Law School)
^^^i'm not a jew, but that quote rules.
The book IS coming out. It's just that the book is terrible, even by Tucker's standards.
HAHA Is this for real?
http://newyork.timeout.com/articles/sex-dating/78791/excerpts-assholes-finish-first
Are those real excerpts? They're awful!
Truly, truly bad. He writes like a 16 year old. And not even a very talented or intellligent 16 year old. This proves once and for all that Tucker is still stuck somewhere in his adolescence and has no idea what to do with himself as an adult.
" Erin is an awesome, beautiful girl from Cleveland—the kind of girl you want to have kids with."
Except that any Bunnyspawn were already guaranteed to be completely mental. A tucker crossbreed would - no, I have better things to do than think about this
Is marnie still available?
Gawker hasn't forgotten you Tucker:
http://gawker.com/5588082/tucker-max-has-composed-another-volume-of-witticisms
They're going to destroy you at your launch party... not just Hamilton Nolan, but the locals in Manhattan who read Gawker.
The sad silly not funny online magazine Gawker so-called are not being fair to the very very funny Mr. Tucker Max (who is a man) who writes very good funny books by a man who is a man who has sex with women and not men.
Also, all Gawker posts are intentional leaks as part of his marketing strategy (invented by Tucker Max, who is a man) which is total genius because he (a man) invented it and which only losers or losers who are not men do not understand.
Also, you should not be jealous of his (a man's) having slept with your girlfriend.
Me ching-chong Chinaman! Me posting birdscratch and gibberish to pretend to be civilized! IF ME KNEW HOW TO WRITE, ME POST WITH ENGLISH CHARACTERS LIKE WAS GOOD ENOUGH FOR JESUS!
Tucker doesn't afraid of Gawker
7/17, it's actually jap, not chink
Assholes Finish First is out in about 60 days. Don't you just love the title? Tucker is just too dense to understand irony.
The excerpts from his newest book look like crap a horny pre-teen could have written. Is he going to have to return his non-existent $300k advance when this book fails just like his movie? His star wasn't bright to begin with and has faded substantially.
IDIOT BOARD IS BETTER THAN FREAK SAFARI
TIBOR TIBOR TIBOR
Tucker Max is a liar and a douchebag.
tucker ma is not 6 foot tall not even close actually
i hope this place get a bit more excitement when he new book come out
where is mccoymountain i miss that very great guy
For the full tucker max experience, read the story synopsis (they aren't really excerpts) with a lisp.
Didn't we discover something about mccoy? Like his real identity or something?
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