The story below was copied from a
Facebook.com account. A link to this story in the comments to an older post awhile ago.
Tucker Max's face, meet Megan ******'s hand
Megan was discussing ball shaving with a nice man at a tailgate. Good start to this story;) NE ways, Tucker Max was also at the tailgate and started talking shit to Megan (he obviously thought she was a hot girl who would sleep w/ him if acted like an asshole, and he was showing off in front of his buddies). Megan hit him on the arm, and he said that meant Megan wanted to fuck him because if she hit him in the face, then he'd know she was mad. She then dissed his elastic waistband (yes, he was wearing elastic waistband shorts, what is he, 12?), and he said "its so stupid bitch whores like you can suck my dick without any confusion." So she slapped him in the face!!!
Tucker threw his drink at her, Candice threw her drink at Tucker with lightning fast reflexes, then he proceeded to grab Megan by her hair and hit her in the face with his pathetically small hands. With a bruised face, and a bruised ego, he took his shriveled penis back to his buddies.
In Tucker Max's own words, "My name is Tucker Max, and I am an asshole." Oh, and he hits girls.
15,917 comments:
«Oldest ‹Older 14001 – 14200 of 15917 Newer› Newest»"Yeah, that's the ticket."
You really do get the sense he is just like John Lovitz creating stories...
Yeah...me and george, hunting tigers, in the Phillipines, Yeah, that's the ticket.
"Over the side of the couch, spinning her around, on the ceiling, underwater..."
Ahahahahahhahahaaha
shrinktalk.net confirms that Rudius is shutting down.
There's no more revenue to be had from his movie extravaganza and by demonstrating that he is so quick to turn on his backers, I doubt he's got anything else lined up other than the book. Who else would have him?
He has utterly fucked himself as an e-persona. His attempt at transparency was his downfall. His website should have never been anything other than a mildly successful side project, not his life.
Recent pics of Bunny, please.
I too would like to see a recent pic of The Famous Bunny - the only pic on Tucker's site is from 5-10 years and what I can only guess is 20-30 lbs/20-30 guys ago.
Also this from shrinktalk.net:
The Times They Are A-Changin' - October 30, 2009
ShrinkTalk.Net's host company, Rudius Media, is going to be closing up shop very soon. This site (and me, assuming I don't die from the flu that is currently coarsing through my erstwhile healthy body) will continue to exist, but plan on some aesthetic and practical changes to the format in the immediate future. Once those changes have started, I will fill you in on everything that happened and, at least as far as I know, why. Until then, please pray for my health if you are a religious person. If not, become one now.
the bunny claims she was recognized in public by a 'fan' yet there are no pics of here in existence anymore. the last ones i saw of her, she was a fat 5.5
When was Tucker in boot camp?
^^^^never.
I think 'Beer in Hell' is out of theaters. Box Office Mjo has no data on it for yesterday, even though the full daily chart is online.
Yippee.
WE NEED RECENT BUNNY PICTURES!!!
"Go rent the documentary Overnight. It's about Troy Duffy. It was my "do not do this" guide to Hollywood." - Tucker Max, May 2007.
By "do not do this", you mean "get to make a second movie"?
Ha!
Brahs,
Happy to say GF's abortion came off without a hitch! Apparently she needs a few days to recoup in the 'mental care unit' though, something about a nervous breakdown. I guess she was so relieved that the fucker is out that she needed to take a breather! We both doged a massive bullet through my prudent thinking. She just kept on saying "the baby's gone... the baby's gone..." Lolz
Anyway, suits me! Me and the buds go out for a little drinky at Ponderosa. Hopefully to get Tucker Max Drunk, start some shit and maybe scoop up a little side-muff!
I take a page from Tuck's play book and decide to give all the buds cool handles. Chis is now Tivo (fucker loves TV), Lee is now Chip Nip (dude loves chips lolz) and Matt is now Wicker Man (he actually likes that movie).
So here we are on the patio, gettin fucked up, and apparently there is some kind of shift change cause the cute blonde waitness we had has now disapeared and in her place is this Jabba-the-hut bitch (probably 40-50 pounds north of fuckable).
I'm like "who are YOU?" And she is like "I'm Julie, I'll be your server from now on" and I say "O-K". But it's really not ok with me. The restment is eating me up because we used to have a server that was pleasant to stare at and now we have THIS homely cunt who couldn't cokes a hard on from a black dude on Viagra.
So I'm playing it cool but really actually seething inside. So I decide to have some fun.
So real sly but loud enough so anyone listening could hear I say "hey Chip Nip.. You ever date a chubby gal?"
"Naaaa"
I let it go for five minutes, our server is still waddleing around the padio taking orders. Then a little louder I say casually "Hey Tivo, would you ever marry a fat girl?
"Uhhh not likely..."
10 minutes go by "Hey Wicker Man" he is visibley agitated and not looking at me "Yo Wick"
"Yes?"
"Would you fuck that fat pig Julie if I paid you and offered to lend you my dick?" "
The whole patio goes into a stunned silence. I've got this huge grin ony face. Server comes to and just starts heading for the door in an emotional uproar. I don't know what happened then but she tripped, maybe on somebodies bag or maybe just on her own fat... but that bitch did a massive face plant with the tray she was carrying. It was a blubbering fat mess, her hand was cut pretty bad too.
I couldn't help it... "clean up in aisle two!" This actually got a few stifled laughs from the uptight pricks around me.
Continued...
Continued...
After everything was sorted out we were told in no uncertain terms to leave. Fine with me, free dinner, drinks and some priceless entertainment. And hey... If she can't take a joke then fuck her! As I see it I created a beautiful opportunity in her life. She can either go home to sob to Sara lee or try to actually lose some weight for a change.
But this wasn't even the best part of the night. Apparently Chip Nip and Tivo were driving home shit faced in his convertible.. Fucking Chip went off the road and hit a tree. TiVo wasn't wearing his seatbelt and did a superman for about 40 ft into some bushes. He is in a coma now but he is gonna be soooooo pissed at Chip when he wakes up lolz. Chip is in jail right now, I'm gonna send him some soap-on-a-rope as a gag gift. Little dude better make some friends quick in there.
Talk to you guys later.
PS Anyone know why Nick Sadler doesn't answer fanmail? Dude stuck up or something?
SheGirl and TheBlueDog on the new board are the most annoying posters ever. Now that they're mods it's like nails on a chalkboard. Just reeks of dorks with no lives who finally got a taste of attention. But their attempts at humor - still laughably off.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/rudiusmedia/2684729633/in/set-72157605835468911/
There's a few more of her in that set.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/rudiusmedia/2687513022/in/set-72157605924770458/
...and the next after that.
Are Bunny and Nils in some kind of fat fuck race?
yeesh, time and Tucker have not been kind to Erin Tyler.
Tugger does look fat in this photo:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/rudiusmedia/2630085524/in/set-72157605924770458/
www.flickr.com/photos/rudiusmedia/2687513022/in/set-72157605924770458
Ahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! Holy shit! What’s that? No, bunny, nooooooo!
Please eat more lettuce and less hops. Stop, bunny. You’re catching up to Nils!!
Hey FS and other "message board" people. No one cares about you. Stay on your boring boards. Rob is a bigger faggot than Tucker. He's pathetic.
But, this is a place to embrace that wonder that is Tucker. It's so...JUST!
from AFF
"So I decide to throw my tongue down her throat. Fuck it if she isn't going to say anything. All I feel against my tonsils is the flavor of cold. Ice. No way else to describe it, this bitch was fucking cold. I mean, I'm Tucker Fucking Max, I've fucked in an ice cave before, but this time it was totally different and shit.
So I decide I better play it the Tucker Max way, and that is to be totally more cooler than her and shit, and by that I mean that I began thinking of a hot place. A desert, maybe in Africa and shit, but I was there and so was she and it was hot, Africa hot.
Holy shit, dudes, you ever been so hard that you can hammer a six-inch spike through a board with your penis? Holy shit, I was doing it with a 12 inch board because I'm Tucker Max. This girl was hot, like Africa hot and shit. So I stick Lil' Maxie inside of her, and again, fucking cold. WTF! I''m Tucker Max!! Are you not excited to be entered by the penis of such a monumental legend. I figured I needed to think about Einstein and mind over matter and shit, and then think even harder about being in the middle of the desert and her hot sluttly snatch and viola!! She's gotten hot just with my sense of thought. I am afterall, Tucker Max.
So I'm plowing away and I don't hear a thing, but fuck it, she's a woman, right? Why bother. But I notice that she's not making a sound. So I imagine that we're on the goal line at the University of Texas and I'm plowing away like I'm Vince Young about to win the Rose Bowl against USC. Time on the clock: 0:00.
I cum of course. Don't care that she didn't, she's just a whore anyway. It felt like I was a river that cut through a glacier (she was fucking cold, or haven't you monkey's been paying attention). It was fucking great, for me at least, she didn't say a word (I kinda liked her for that).
Anyway, I get my clothes on and throw her the rest of my Big Mac, because I'm always playing head games with sluts. I go outside and see JoJo and SnipSnap outside in the waiting room of the morgue. I raise my hand and say
"RAISE YOUR HAND IF YOU'VE EVER FUCKED A CORPSE!!!"
I'm Tucker Max and I always win.
-TDG
^^^^^
Dude that was fucking hysterical!!
You know, I really try to keep it light around here. I do try. I'm not Michelle Malkin. I'm not interested in selling my ego-nuts opines on everything, because while I'm a head case, I don't have a big head. I figure you guys can read the news and come up with your own opinion, and I respect that you're gonna have one. "Don't interfere," Daddy always said. "There's room enough for all of us."
But then there are times when I just have to get serious--when I get my three hundredth "you're going to hell" from Chrissy McChristianPants, or when some fancy-shoes douchesack kicks my puppy, or today, when I open my Gmail and see another, "You think you're so special because you're friends with Tucker Max" email.
I get these all the time, and I'm inclined to brush them off, but am somehow unable to do so. You see, these are the emails that sting the worst. I suppose I shouldn't be exposing my digital Achilles heel to you jackals, but whatever. In terms of exposure, I'm naked as the day I was born (Go have a look at my archives; you'll see I drank pee when I was nine on a dare, and then tried to kill myself twice at twenty. I'm real guarded). So there you have it. If you want to hurt me lots, just drop me a "you think you're so special" yada-yada Tucker email.
So it is the opinion of strangers that I think I am special for knowing Tucker, that it's a big happy-fun-time-party-whoo-hoo-blast being tight with a notorious asshole. Stop reading if at any point you can no longer handle the party.
It is so fun being Tucker's public ex and buddy, what with all the well-adjusted people that lurk the Interwebs. I just adore the bull-dyke marginalization of myself that pops up on message boards via accounts linked to strangers--when anyone who knows me knows me as laid back and more straight than gay--and truly, it's wonderful to me that people I don't know impersonate and misrepresent me to belittle my real, all grown up, friend Tucker, in order to demean the circa '99 cocksucker he used to be. I'd sooner pick up Christianity than impersonate a Q-list blogger, but whatever floats your boat. Loser.
It is so fun being Tucker's public ex and buddy, what with all the well-adjusted men I meet these days. No, it's totally okay that we talk about my ex-boyfriend during this date. Sure, go ahead and tell me how you got Tucker Max Drunk at a ball game; that's so interesting and unique. I don't mind. Really. Go ahead. Later, when I tell you I'm going to jam my dinner fork into your eye if you don't stop talking about Tucker, you'll become totally disinterested in me, and that's fantastic.
It is so fun being Tucker's public ex and buddy, what with all the "negging" the PUAs and my ex have infected young men with. Listen to me: Put down that dogeared copy of "The Game," and start treating women right. It is not sexy when you come to me and point out my flaws. Go pick up your rape and incest victims somewhere else. Or better yet, settle your turbulence with mom. She was a bitch; get over it. [Tucker wants me to tell everyone that he has nothing to do with "The Game," Neil Strauss, or the PUA community. What a pain in the ass.]
It is so fun being Tucker's public ex and buddy, what with all the well-adjusted men who worship him through me. I totally love it when men try and fuck me to follow him, and no, that's not remotely disturbing, nor is it trifling when women fuck me to get into bed with him. That's nice. I like that. It feels real good.
It is so fun being Tucker's public ex and buddy, what with the wonderful rep that comes along with it. I'm okay with being overlooked and lumped with misogyny, isn't everyone? I mean, its not as if I've worked long and hard to develop a unique voice unlike "Fratire" in almost every way. It's great to see that my Alexa spot is one million ranks above nitwit media darlings who write pap about shoe shopping and cocktails that no one reads. I love that editors blow me off without first reading my site because my ex is an asshole. What could a woman who dated an asshole know about being a woman? Its not like women date assholes or anything.
It is so fun being Tucker's public ex and buddy, what with all the well-adjusted women he fucks. I just adore that you come to me for counsel a day later. One of the great loves of my life didn't ask you for a second date? Tell me alllllll about it. Give me the details, and don't spare the "feeling" words. This whole thing is very tragic. Don't forget to send me those pictures you took of yourself next to Tucker with my dogs on your lap. I'll want to cherish those memories forever. My email address is: TheBunnyMail@gmail.com. Bookmark it, you know for when Tucker stops taking your calls, and you vent your rage on me with a few "YOU'RE AN UGLY BITCH!" emails from different yahoo accounts you'll soon make up. SwirlyGirl45, QTpie876 and HotStuff485 are all free. Go and get 'em now; it will save you some time later.
And then there's this.
So let me know when the party starts, and I'll be there in bells with a big "yay" and stuff. I mean, I love Tucker very much, and he's worth all this bullshit, but it is bullshit nonetheless.
So I think what Erin is trying to say is...
Nils is fat.
i like hentai, yes i do
cuz my penis tells me to
"RAISE YOUR HAND IF YOU'VE EVER FUCKED A CORPSE!!!"
yeah! Where do you go after you've bragged about deaf girls and midgets.
TDG
That was brilliant.
But maybe we did underestimate what kind of trendsetter Tucker was. I'm watching Curb Your Enthusiasm and LD is having sex with a paraplegic. On Californication, Hank Moody's buddy Charlie Runkle is having sex with a midget stripper. I'm thinking maybe Tucker has to work through the whole short bus and a travelling freak show. Throw some downs syndrome kids together with the bearded and tatooed circus ladies, and have Tucker show what a real man he is.
And yes, if Erin is the fat girl in the red shirt in those flickr photos, time has been way harsh. She also has that overmedicated look. You can't mix wellbutrin, alchohol, and xanax together without scary results-particularly if you are going to eat like Nils. . . which is actually what I've been trying to say in all this. . . . and that is that Nils is pretty fat.
Hahaha, Rudius has no money because he bet it all on a movie that people saw failing a year before it came out.
still hatin tucker, still haven't seen the movie
I just saw those pictures of Bunny. More like Boar.
Woof.
nils is a fat disgusting pig human
erin is a fat disgusting, crazy pig human
He is fucking mental. What a dolt. (Part 1)
Domestic wrap-up and other thoughts
October 31, 2009
Alright, the domestic theatrical run of the movie is wrapping up, and I have a few thoughts, but let me get the relevant announcements out of the way first:
-Canadian release is locked in for November 13th, and yes, as far as I know it’s still only Toronto, Vancouver and Calgary.
-The UK release is still slated for January 1st, and again, I am hoping to get over there to do press. No additional info.
-The DVD comes out domestically in January, not sure of the exact date yet.
As far as personal travel plans, here are the things I have locked down:
-I’ll be in Austin, Texas to go to the UT/UCF game on November 7th. I was supposed to go to the Tech game when I was in Austin on the movie tour, but was too exhausted, but I got offered tickets to this game, so I’m going back and making up for earlier.
-I’ll be in Toronto on November 10th doing press for the movie.
-I’m going to be in Cancun from November 22nd through November 27th for the Cancun Challenge college basketball tournament. So excited to sit courtside and watch Kentucky torch a bunch of scrub teams.
-I’m going to be in Ireland the first week of February, and you won’t believe why. I am not say why I’m going yet, but it is ridiculous and awesome. I didn’t even believe the offer when I first got it, but once I realized it was legit, I was on it.
-Also planning a big trip to Brazil, and maybe Buenos Aires, later that month.
Now, as to the movie itself:
We are going to wrap up our domestic theatrical run with about 1.5 million in gross receipts. No question, that is way way less than anything I was hoping or predicting that the movie would do. In fact, it’s less than 10% of my bottom-basement prediction for what the movie would do. So this of course raises the question: How the fuck was I so far off in my predictions?
The movie has been out a month and we have all had a chance to soberly reflect on what happened and why I wasn’t just a little bit off, I was off by several orders of magnitude. To be that far off, there has to be some sort of major thing that went wrong, something so crucial that it’s nothing can make up for its absence.
Tucker is mental (Part 2)
I was sitting in a bar with some people cycling through all the things we did right and wrong about two weeks ago, when something happened that crystallized the problem perfectly. This girl recognized me in the bar and came running up:
Girl: Oh my god you are Tucker Max! This is SO exciting! I am your biggest fan, your book is so awesome!
Tucker: Thank you, glad you liked it.
Girl: I mean, I have read it like 100 times and recommended it to all my friends, and now it’s like our bible! I can’t believe you are here! Can I get a picture?
Tucker: [getting awkward] Of course.
Friend: So, what’d you think about the movie?
Girl: Movie? What movie? There’s a movie of the book?
Tucker: Are you kidding?
Girl: When is it coming out? I am SO excited for it! I bet it’ll be great! Who is playing you?
My heart sank. I wanted to get pissed and snap at this girl, but she hadn’t done anything wrong. I mean, when someone who identifies themselves as a huge fan, who has read the book and passed it to their friends and self-identifies as this type of person, when the movie is IN THEATERS and they don’t even know there is a movie at all…that is a complete failure in the publicity and marketing of the movie.
It’s not like that was the first indication of the massive breakdown in marketing and publicity for the movie. The evidence for this is everywhere. I mean shit, we only spent a few million dollars distributing the movie, were never in more than like 250 theaters, and never even cracked the 50% awareness barrier…AMONG MY OWN FANS! I don’t want to go through it, because it’ll just be depressing, but the failures in marketing were just…big. Unrecoverable.
If I had been either experienced enough or honest enough to look at and understand the evidence in front of me, it was obvious from an early point that this was going to happen. I could go on and on about the issues we had, and and now in hindsight, so many of them are so transparently clear and obvious it is annoying that we didn’t see them at the time. Part of it was experience, part was naive optimism, and part was straight up malfeasance by certain parties involved with the movie. There will come a time when Nils and I will clearly outline and describe what happened and why, but honestly, I don’t feel like doing it now, both for personal and political reasons. The fact is, the movie did poorly at the box office because we failed at one of the most, if not he most, important aspect of making a successful movie: Marketing that movie.
That’s the bad news. The good news is that losing this battle does not mean the war is over or lost. Many many great movies that got no attention at the box office became classics by doing great on DVD, and there is no doubt in my mind that is what is going to happen with this movie. I’ve seen every reaction, read every email, seen every review, and talked to more people about this movie than anyone else. No one has been more on the ground and seen more actual audience reaction than me. I know what real people who have actually seen the movie think about it, and it’s going to do great, given enough time. The same thing happened with the book. I mean, my book only sold 70k copies it’s first year out, and those only to people who were already fans of the website. Three years and 1+ million copies sold later, I am now a huge literary star. Movie studios may be evil and stupid, but the motherfuckers can do something I can’t do yet: Promote and market the fuck out of a movie.
But it’s OK. The fact still remains that we made a great movie, a movie that I am very proud of, and a movie that the vast majority of people who saw, loved. And I believe that it will stand the test of time and end up becoming a classic and sell for years, just like the book has. Doing poorly at the box office sucks right now, but in ten years when “I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell” is one of the best selling DVD’s of all time and spawned hugely successful sequels, etc, etc…well, I think everything will end up fine.
^^^ Wow. The guy just doesn't learn.
In this age of instant information, real-time sharing, etc., a 'great' movie doesn't stay unknown for five weeks. The end.
Tucker 'knows' the movie's going to blow up on DVD, just like he 'knew' it was going to blow up in theaters.
"Doing poorly at the box office sucks right now, but in ten years when “I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell” is one of the best selling DVD’s of all time and spawned hugely successful sequels, etc, etc…well, I think everything will end up fine."
HAHAHAHAHA!!
Wait... wait....
AHH-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Holy shit! Did he really just write that? DID THAT MOTHERFUCKER REALLY JUST WRITE THAT??? Does he not see? Doesn't he see how he says the same thing EVERY FUCKING TIME???? And every time he fails!!! You know what he's going to say when DVD sales bomb? You know what he'll say?
The same fucking thing, that's what. He'll blame somebody else, then promise to do better next time.
What a MOTHER FUCKER.
Yeah, what at an idiot. Just look at his own (now dead) message board, even people there didn't like it. No distributor wanted it. It got horrible reviews. So delusional.
PS is that a repost or is the Bunny actually amongst us? If the latter, are you ever going to stop sticking up for such a massively dishonest idiot?
blah blah blah
this is a repeat story and totally made up. nice try, Mcbeefsmoker.
Hi. I am blonde, 17 years old, with big tits! Do you wanna see my big tits? Send me $20 CASH and I'll send you some pics!
"Girl: I mean, I have read it like 100 times and recommended it to all my friends, and now it’s like our bible! I can’t believe you are here! Can I get a picture?"
He left out the part where she talks about her brother who's in the army who has NEVER HEARD OF TUCKER MAX but liked the Tucker Movie because it just kept hitting him and hitting him.
" Three years and 1+ million copies sold later, I am now a huge literary star."
Not even pretending to relate to reality anymore.
If I ever felt a shred of sympathy for this scumbag it's gone now. He just keeps squirming to avoid responsibility. He needs to be squashed.
"Part of it was experience, part was naive optimism, and part was straight up malfeasance by certain parties involved with the movie."
Wow. Sounds like Tugger is girding up for a legal battle, either as plaintiff or defendant.
He said in this little piece that his book sold 70,000 copies in its first year, but the Rudius Media website says it sold 100,000 copies in its first year.
Which is it, Tucker?
And you want people to believe that in the three years since, it's sold 10 times that? How stupid do you think people are? Wait, don't answer that.
Don't you guys get it? He HAS to keep making predictions like 'the DVD will be one of the biggest selling in history'- because it would actually be more painful and humiliating for him, at this point, to admit that constant hyperbole and bravado is a mistake. He's made his bed, and now he's lying in it.
The exchange between him and that girl was pretty awesome, though. So authentic.
Once a delusional cretin always a delusional cretin.
i have NEVER HEARD OF TUCKER MAX but i think his movie is p. sweet
"Girl: I mean, I have read it like 100 times and recommended it to all my friends, and now it’s like our bible! I can’t believe you are here! Can I get a picture...SARRRR?"
Tucker just keeps on providing material for us to work with. Hilarious.
Hey, Tuck, how does it feel to know that the only fans you have left are haters?
HAHAHAHAHAHΑ
"I could go on and on about the issues we had, and and now in hindsight, so many of them are so transparently clear and obvious it is annoying that we didn’t see them at the time."
Yeah, it takes a certain kind of marketing genius to not put a banner announcing the movie release on TuckerMax.com until well after the movie opened.
I think the chance of the conversation he had in his new post actually happening was a negative percentage. Now if it would've been an Army Ranger who said, it would've been so much more believable. Especially if his name was Nick Sadler.
"..And I believe that it will stand the test of time and end up becoming a classic and sell for years, just like the book has. Doing poorly at the box office sucks right now, but in ten years when “I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell” is one of the best selling DVD’s of all time and spawned hugely successful sequels, etc, etc…well, I think everything will end up fine..."
Looks like there's a new quote to add to the Tucker Max quote site. What's the address for it again?
Oh, poor Bun...
A smart lady, a thoughtful soul and an insightful scribe: a target here from a few disturbed bullies that perhaps don't see the hypocrisy of attacking a woman's appearance, lifestyle choices or personal problems in order to denigrate-by-association a man who has come to define this type of anti-social behavior.
As a long-time TMMB/RMMB poster, I enjoyed Bunny's contributions; Tucker, on the other hand, always improved the board by his absence. I stuck around for a while because the board had a some good, intelligent and funny contributors, a mod policy that - in the early days at least - kept out the trolls and mouth-breathers (and hence kept the mean IQ level relatively high), and a similar view to my own regarding 'smileys' and their hand in the decline of western civilisation. Bunny knew the true underlying nature of that board - bitter, spiteful and increasingly misogynist over the years - better than most, and articulated it as such. Overgrown boys with rejection issues (Mommy, the cute girls in high school, whoever), trying too hard to be alpha-males: when every true student of human nature's complexities knows that an "alpha-beta" social structure may define a whoop of gorillas, and only the most base of us.
Tucker was an asshole in 1999: truth is, in 2009 he is still trying to profit over his assholish, bullshit anecdotes (seriously, what with this reverence for his "stories"? Oliver Twist has a "story"; Hamlet has a "story"; IHTSBIH is a collection of ANEC-FUCKING-DOTES, no more). The Tucker Max Fail is something to celebrate and enjoy, for sure: rubbernecking at a train crash may be a guilty pleasure, but this place and the people on it have undoubtedly helped contribute to the downfall of this deuchebag. Karmic Justice is a bitch, but sometimes needs a helping hand - that's what brought me here, and I'm guessing more than a few like me.
However, please lay off Erin Tyler: or are we as humans forever doomed to become what we hate the most?
Oh, and Iamrob can fuck right off: a cockslurping no-mark, always the first to charge off on some limp-wristed board wahoo with his nose firmly wedged up Tucker's ass.
The TMMB jumped the shark years before you fist-humpers got yourselves banned and slunk off to Freak Safari: you were part of what turned the place to shit, altho it's nice to know that you found a place to wallow in it.
I hope the movie does well on DVD so I can go to the Ruidus crossbow range.
The problem with Bunny is not just guilt-by-association -- it is that she has been one of Tugger's staunchest supporters and enables. She was the one who presented him with the screenwriting Oscar, remember? Hey sycophancy masked as friendship only reinforces Tugger's delusions. And don't forget that she's also a willing participant in Tugger's stories (the threesome story from Time Out NY/AFF comes to mind). If she wants to enable and prop up that d-bag then she has to be willing to suffer the criticism she attracts as a result.
Added insane bits.
http://www.quotabletuckermax.com/
Yes tucker...the marketing failed...especially the creative element. The god awful green band trailer you personally cut comes to mind.
HI I AM BIFF AND I LIKE SMILEYS BUT I CANT FIGURE OUT HOW TO TYPE THEM IN CAPS SOME1 HEPL ME PLZ????????
- BIFF!!!
"Girl: I mean, I have read it like 100 times and recommended it to all my friends, and now it’s like our bible! I can’t believe you are here! Can I get a picture?"
Yeah, this TOTALLY happend. This kind of BS is actually insulting when you catch on to it.
"I am now a huge literary star"
Uh, and the guy who writes the Drizzt books or the GI diet are literary stars too?
Tucker makes himseIf a perfect target but I agree about not picking on girls with 'anxiety' issues like Bunny, it's unworthy. And while she didn't come off as hot in the pics she wasn't fat at all.
Now Nils.. that's Jabba just after he hit a Chinese buffet fat.
@ 3:00--
THIS. As Barrybater wrote so eloquently:
"You know the phrase "behind every good man, there's a great woman"? For this instance think of it as "behind every lying douchebag, there's a stupid bitch supporting him" - Erin Tyler is that stupid bitch. She's the on-off girlfriend of Tucker, web tech designer of every new Rudius site, and the editor of his work. She does all of this for free. Because someday Tucker is going to be real famous, as opposed to fading-internet-celebrity famous. And then he's just BOUND to marry her."
She supports and defends this douchebag in spite of the horrible, obnoxious things he does to herself and others, and CHOOSES to do this; Erin deserves no pity whatsoever.
I sometimes wonder if Tucker isn't purposefully fucking with people at this point. One of the best-selling DVDs of all time? Is Tucker really that delusional?
I mean, I know he wrote one of the best comedies in the last 20 years, but come on...
Btw, for those of you who can't read between the lines, Tucker is broke. He's always been teetering on the brink, but was counting on AFF/the movie to tide him over. He's living off credit cards now. Busting ass trying to get a manuscript for AFF done so he can get a boost.
I remember he had his income on MySpace listed as 250k+. Hahahaha. Just remember, websites don't pay shit and book sales don't pay shit.
That long post from Bunny was originally on the RMMB.
After that last statement it seems impossible to lampoon Tucker any more than he has done to himself.
Anyone over 13 who thinks IHTSBIH is any kind of bible or life defining book needs to be put down faster than an old cat with the shits.
Easy enough though, these people do not exist.
I've received countless emails like this. do NOT ask me for more information, people. (redacted) from (redacted) is special forces, and when you live that lifestyle, you live or die by trust, honor, and truth. Trust me on this people. More on this later.
Tucker, we are training this new underwater demolitions kid. He's straight out of Harvard. I showed him your book and movie, which is standard Green Beret procedure, and he said "SARR, only that boy Tucker over thar, at 6'0, could convince me to continue fighting this here war over yonder."
People, ive received hundreds of emails just like this. this movie is going to go down as one of the best of the millennium. Fact.
bunny is an enabler and is guilty by association. much like eva braun would have been hung, bunny gets called fat and crazy on this blog.
Wow... Austin, Toronto, Cancun, Ireland (you won't believe why, don't e-mail him), Brazil. Get your pussies ready, ladies.
"Oh, poor Bun..."
I agree that making fun of her looks is ridiculous. She looks fine. She has always looked fine.
However, if you admit, repeatedly, that something is bad for you, then continue to do you, you lose any right to pity that you had in the first place. You are no longer an innocent party.
She is not above being mocked. She was just as bad, if not worse, than the other mods. People think she is "emotionally honest" and "very, very nice." I question, as I have always questioned, the truth of this. People who are genuinely honest and nice do not feel the need to say it to everyone over and over again.
Yeah, Bunny really doesn't look THAT bad.
Little children have nightmares of Nils, of course.
Bunny is kind of cute, but she's definitely widened out once she hit 30, the problem of drinking too many non-light beers before bed.
She'll lose weight like she'll lose her problems.
Saar, I have NEVER HEARD OF BUNNY, but when I read the Bunny Story I thought it was SO GOOD, it was way better than those other children's books, it just kept hitting you and hitting you. So when I saw Bunny at my local supermarket I totally could not believe it and I said to her: "Excuse me miss, I'm a good ole boy southerner servin' mah countree in the Special Forces in [redacted] and [redacted] under Colonel [redacted] and I've never heard of you before or seen any photos of you or have the foggiest idea of what you look like but I just had to stop you and say how much I totally admire your work and it's gonna change the world! Now, I gotta ship out on a top secret mission, but I'm totally doing it for you and SEMPER FI!"
Also, Bunny totally was there watching the whole thing and can verify that this all happened exactly as I described it and that several people who happened to be walking by ran and got their friends saying "It's Bunny! It's Bunny! Her book is so good!". Saar.
Tucker,
You're wonderful. I asked you to post something stupid for my entertainment, and you totally came through. Thank you.
- Your Biggest Fan
that tucker max is such a powerful artist. he's accomplished so very much in his life.
And don't forget that she's also a willing participant in Tugger's stories (the threesome story from Time Out NY/AFF comes to mind). If she wants to enable and prop up that d-bag then she has to be willing to suffer the criticism she attracts as a result.
-------
The Erin named in the Time Out NY excerpt is not Erin Tyler. Tucker had a second girlfriend (a brunette nurse) who is also named Erin. Tucker's recent mentions of "Erin" in his stories is this second woman. Erin Tyler aka Bunny left Los Angeles and Tucker over a year ago.
Being a self-righteous dick makes you just like Tucker Max. Congratulations on your misplaced criticism, douche.
^ It's called fighting fire with fire.
Doucebag.
Just some guy.... I mean Erin, while I can try and acknowledge the pain you must feel reading these passages you perceive as attacks, I believe your methods of rebuttal to be unworthy of my respect.
You were a willing participant in a half decade of bullshit that hurt a lot of people. You had free will and a choice to leave was on the table. I left (and not far FreakSafari you sad losers; no one even heard if it until you posted here.)
I believe you to be a girl who craved attention. I think vicarious infamy through Tucker fed the worst part of your soul. I think you got off on being the Bunny. Which other reason could make you sell out your sisters, your sense, and your sanity?
You're an addict with borderline personality disorder and I have so much contempt for that particular profile that I can't even say I'd like you if you were away from Tucker. I'm pretty sure you'd find yourself another excuse to become a victim and then get all self righteous if someone points out the hypocrisy of your claims.
I've yet to read anything in your verbose rants that leads me to believe you're rough around the edges because Daddy touched your butt or Mommy smeared lipstick on your face at Christmas. In fact, you write of a supportive family who welcomed you home as you cried over Tucker.
As such, I refuse to offer you sympathy. Yes, you have mental illness but really who the fuck doesn't in a world where we watch our fellow humans flip cars, rape children, and blow up buildings every single day? Mental illness is no different than cancer. You either fight it or you let it consume you.
You're clearly consumed as you're here defending your honor without even an ounce of effort to disguise your literary voice other than a generic pseudonym. Fail Bunny, fail.
My advice to you, as a woman who works her ass off to stay sane, stop wearing your crazy as a shield. It is a part of you but not your exoskeleton unless you choose that position.
Bury any urge to be symptomatic under an actual life lived. Get some friends, take up a sport, join a service organization, and do something besides spend energy trying to justify why it is ok that you sat by and only forced half efforts of disgust as your group mocked, belittled, manipulated, and abused hundreds of people.
Good luck to you Bunny. I hope you pull your shit together. Otherwise, without a doubt, go volunteer at a mental health facility, find a 59 year old borderline addict and see for yourself where the road you're on is leading.
Stay strong, eat right, exercise, get rest meditate, and avoid toxic substances, people, and energy and you'll be ok.... I promise.
" In fact, you write of a supportive family who welcomed you home as you cried over Tucker."
Yeppabillicious. Typical woman.
And, hey, flippin' cars is FUN! There's nothing crazy about that! Just CRAZY FUN!
"find a 59 year old borderline addict"
and fuck 'im silly, right? RIGHT?????
Wait, what'm I saying. I wouldn't wish the Bunnyway on any guy, particularly not one who's already got withdrawal problems. I mean, that hole's seen more action than Grand Central Station.
I've been reading this blog for a good while now - enjoying TDG, No Nickname Guy, etc. Yet I've been entertained by the whole TM movie debacle from a relative distance, coming as I do from a small island in Western Europe.
Now, however, this has all become a lot more real, and a lot more worrying:
Tucker Max is coming to Ireland.
Sweet Jesus.
I can't begin to guess why. I don't think it could be related to the book, because I work in a bookshop, and I've seen the 2 copies of the book that we got returned because they didn't sell. If we get the film here, any promotion will be undertaken in London (we tend to be viewed as a satellite to GB in this regard). So what on earth could it be?
In short friends, I'm fucking terrified.
I've been reading this blog for a good while now - enjoying TDG, No Nickname Guy, etc. Yet I've been entertained by the whole TM movie debacle from a relative distance, coming as I do from a small island in Western Europe.
Now, however, this has all become a lot more real, and a lot more worrying:
Tucker Max is coming to Ireland.
Sweet Jesus.
I can't begin to guess why. I don't think it could be related to the book, because I work in a bookshop, and I've seen the 2 copies of the book that we got returned because they didn't sell. If we get the film here, any promotion will be undertaken in London (we tend to be viewed as a satellite to GB in this regard). So what on earth could it be?
In short friends, I'm fucking terrified.
Now that I view it on YouTube again, that Opie and Anthony radio interview was spot-on. They nailed the real Tucker. They caught him in all his bullshit and he looked like a deer in lights. He is just a confused, unfunny, lying cunt.
Saar,
"Excuse me miss, I'm a good ole boy southerner servin' mah countree in the Special Forces in [redacted] and [redacted] under Colonel [redacted] and I've never heard of you before or seen any photos of you or have the foggiest idea of what you look like but I just had to stop you and say how much I totally admire your work and it's gonna change the world! Now, I gotta ship out on a top secret mission, but I'm totally doing it for you and SEMPER FI!"
Actually, Nils and Bunny are going to serve under a Colonel.. . . Colonel Sanders. Both of them just got jobs at their local KFC. Apparently, Nils is just getting paid in chicken.
Here was the interview:
KFC Manager: Saar, we be looking to hire some fry cooks. You be looking for work?
Nils: I see myself more of a comedic assasin. . . do you have any openings for a college drop out who worked for Slurpees and Circle K burritos on a movie project? I can make fun of all the fat chicks that come in here; and post about it on my blog.
KFC Manager:Saar, even though I've never heard of your movie, I'm sure that it is better than the Hangover. The job we have involves dropping frozen breaded chicken into a deep fryer, and then taking it for feeding to obese americans like yourself. If you can't find comedy in that, you have no business working on a movie that is better than the Hangover.
Nils; Thank you Saar, I'll start Monday.
http://www.ihopetheyservebeerinhell.com/domestic-wrap-up-and-other-thoughts/
TDG has to break this down. Unbelievable.
That would be amazing if you ruined Tucker's trip to Europe by telling him you read this site.
Actually, tell him you're mccoymountain. He'd feel like a ghost was haunting him.
"http://www.flickr.com/photos/rudiusmedia/2684729633/in/set-72157605835468911/"
This is supposed to be the hotness Tucker bangs daily?
OK...
I'm just throwing this out here, and I could be dead wrong:
http://www.jdiff.com/
It's the Irish Film Festival. It takes place in February of 2010.
"-I’m going to be in Ireland the first week of February, and you won’t believe why. I am not say why I’m going yet, but it is ridiculous and awesome. I didn’t even believe the offer when I first got it, but once I realized it was legit, I was on it."
Tucker is being conned by a Irish person who claims to be a prince who will inherit a castle. He just needs Tucker to bring 10k so he can get it out of escrow.
http://www.griffinwrites.com/
Watch Griffin e-suck Charlie Hoen...
"Despite Charlie Hoehn’s inability to effectively run game, he’s an incredibly smart young man. At 23, he’s worked with the likes of Seth Godin, Tim Ferris and has already accomplished more than I ever will before I die of liver failure in five years. Before embarking on tour, Charlie completed a highly praised (and now highly successful) ebook called the Recession Proof Graduate."
Which is why his site has 590 subscribers. Because that defines success...I mean, if each of them gave Charlie a nickel a day he might not have to be on welfare.
For such a "recession proof graduate" he seems to not be having any success working professionally or making any money at all. But I'll take your word for it Griffin.
And don't forget that she's also a willing participant in Tugger's stories (the threesome story from Time Out NY/AFF comes to mind). If she wants to enable and prop up that d-bag then she has to be willing to suffer the criticism she attracts as a result.
-------
The Erin named in the Time Out NY excerpt is not Erin Tyler. Tucker had a second girlfriend (a brunette nurse) who is also named Erin. Tucker's recent mentions of "Erin" in his stories is this second woman. Erin Tyler aka Bunny left Los Angeles and Tucker over a year ago.
Being a self-righteous dick makes you just like Tucker Max. Congratulations on your misplaced criticism, douche.
-------
Thank you for clarifying, Erin Number 1 or 2. I refer you instead to the stories on The Bunny's page about threesomes with Tucker, including the period/fisting story and the Tucker Playing Videogames While Some Whore Sucked His Cock And I Joined In story.
Dumb bitch.
I'm a guy but I would IRL suck Charlie's cock any day of the week. He's dreamy. I don't blame Griffin.
HAHAHA, FAG!!!!!
"On September 25th the rules in Hollywood will be tossed aside as a new way of film distribution rolls out. And no one will see it coming." -tucker max
Nils is a comedy assassin in the same way that tucker said "no one will see the movie coming." they meant it literally.
people "never saw the movie coming" because it was a gigantic failure, and nils is a comedic assassin because he murders any potential comedy. he's more accurately described as a whopper assassin or a buffet assassin. but then again he'd be more of infantry when it comes to buffets.
this post has been certified by the following parties:
-nick sadler, team leader
-the bunny's nutritionist/psychiatrist
-ryan holiday's intern's intern
-kung fu mike's kung fu teacher
and
-tucker's tailor, who certifies that he's 6'0, maybe 6'1 or 6'2.
guys, i found a site that has a few outtakes from the movie:
http://meatspin.com/
the entire movie one big outtake. its horrible
Ryan Holiday:
"What do they all seem to have in common? Comically bad judgment."
About as self-aware as his former boss.
Despite Tuckers latest update being full of the usual crap - everything from hyperbole:
"but in ten years when “I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell” is one of the best selling DVD’s of all time and spawned hugely successful sequels, etc, etc"
to outright bullshit:
""I am now a huge literary star"
it seems to lack something. It feels tired and worn out. It lacks a certain belligerance. I think poor old Tugger has been hit hard, fuckin hard by the reality of this boxiffice fail. It sounds like hes trying too hard to be the Tucker he used to be.
Or am I just sick of this shit and bored with reading the same crap spew forth out of his mouth?
P.S. Tucker- if the movie was good, word of mouth would have blown this movie up regardless of how much you spent on marketing. Depite the lack of money there was ample opportunity for this to grab audiences - it failed to do so because it was a crap move. Reality, meet Tucker.
tucker does read this blog you idiot.
nils is NOT fat people. do NOT email me about this. big announcement coming up, and you wont believe it when i tell you what it is. you. wont. fucking. believe. it. more on this later.
One wonders how many of my good readers have ever picked up a romance novel. Not many, I would guess, as this genre of literature is aimed solely at a female audience. Romance novels are to women what Penthouse magazine is to men: Pornography intent on titillating the natural sexuality that exists within.
And who is the stereotypical masculine love object in the romance novels that women read? Well, here’s a clue… he is not a Nice Guy™!
.
.
No indeed! There is usually a Nice Guy™ somewhere in the story line – he is the one who gets replaced by the dominant rogue who at first infuriates the main character with his callousness, while at the same time intriguing her.
The plot builds as does the sexual tension between the main character and the antagonist. He is a brute, an animal… uncontrollable. She is a lady and does not consort with the likes of him – and yet, something about his demeanor makes this man linger in her mind even when she is not in his presence… and that makes her angry at him. She becomes determined not to give in to the advances of this knave. She is a princess, after all.
The Harlequin climax arrives in a scene where the woman finds herself alone with this bull of a man. There is passion, electricity… he makes his move… she resists and pushes him away, but he is not willing to back down so easily. This beast’s sexual desire for our fair maiden roars as if it were an uncontrollable inferno. He grabs her roughly in his arms. She feels his raw strength as he pulls her into his muscular chest and lowers his mouth over hers.
“No,” she mumbles half-heartedly, “I mustn’t!”
Our rogue listens not, and continues ravaging our heroine with his lips when she feels his strong hand cup her breast, causing her nipple to harden beneath her thin blouse…
She can resist no more; her own animal desires begin to overcome her rationality. She gives in and lets this beast take her. Her clothing comes of quickly and roughly amidst the passionate kisses… she is no longer in control, the universe has overwhelmed her… she feels his hardness enter her, penetrating both her body and soul as their passion develops into a surreal experience that transcends life itself…
Yes, this is women's porn!
And in women’s porn, she gets dominated. In fact, by all legal standards of the modern day, women’s porn involves being sexually assaulted and then raped by a man who ends up completely owning her entire existence.
And women buy these books and read them for a sexual thrill – men don’t write this shit, nor do they buy it or read it.
This is the essence of female sexual seduction: He makes his move… she resists… he doesn’t take no for an answer… she resists some more… his animal desire for her prevents him from stopping… she says no again, but this time only half heartedly… he continues, and she finally gives in and submits, so overwhelmed is she with desire that things are completely out of her control.
She gets dominated by a man who is superior to her.
And notice that the dominate man is not “with” her.
Nope.
He fucks her.
Perhaps this is why the sexual fantasizing of being “forced” to have sex is so popular with women. Being “forced” to have sex is essentially rape, and yet numerous women actually masturbate to the fantasy of this crime.
Have you ever masturbated to the thought of your car getting stolen?
What's that, 3:05? Nils is so fat that when he goes to a restaurant, he doesn't get a menu, but an estimate?
5:12 AM, you hit the nail on the motherfucking head...bravo.
Oh, and Tucker Max is still a douchebag.
CHUPAQUESO
http://www.schlockmercenary.com/d/20030906.html
Grate about a half-cup of cheddar and a half-cup of jack.
Heat the skillet, and spread the cheddar evenly in the pan. You should have an eight-inch diameter circle of grated cheese, with a little bit of pan showing through here and there.
As the pan gets hotter the cheese will obviously melt. Then it will toast, and you'll get cheese-grease floating on top of melted cheddar, itself on top of a layer of crusty toasted cheddar.
Start lifting around the edges with the spatula. You'll soon reach a point (you'll know, trust me) when the structural integrity of the crusty-toasty cheese allows you to flip the whole thing over.
(Speaking of "over," this is often the point where you'll get frustrated and decide to start over.)
After toasting side two for a moment, flip it again so the "smooth" side is down, and the recently toasted side is up.
You now have a cheese shell sizzling in a puddle of cheese grease. It's still flexible, but much longer and it won't be, so you'll have to work fast. Add the Jack cheese and a sprinkle of parmesan, and then tri-fold the cheddar-shell around it.
Slide it out of the pan onto your plate. It's called a "chupaqueso" either because you can suck (chupa) the cheese (queso) out of the middle as you crunch away, or because this cheese (queso) thing you made sucks (chupa).
For added flavor you might try adding cooked-and-crumbled bacon with the jack and parmesan. In this case you'll end up with a chupaqueso con tocino, or, as it's often pronounced in my house, "chupaqueso con SWEET TRADER OF PORK BELLIES THERE'S BACON IN THIS THING chomp chomp AAARGH I BURNED MY MOUTH slurp gulp chomp."
http://web.archive.org/web/20050517234344/www.drunkasaurusrex.com/
Read Nils' summation of himself...sound familiar?
"
My friends coined the term drunkasaurusrex. It immediately became not only my nickname, but a word used to describe my entire existence. It's not my fault really--I'm huge. Like offensive guard huge. Like close-down-the-buffet-before-he-gets-inside-and-bankrupts-the-restuarant huge.
I am not only a huge person physically, I live huge as well. I drink a lot, I talk loudly, and I have very strong, definitive, informed opinions about nearly everything.
I hate the feebleminded idiots and the posers I encounter on a daily basis, and I make it a point to let them know, in no uncertain terms, that I am better than they are and that they are, by all accounts, failures in life.
Oh, and I write about it. These are my stories:"
The Best Drunkasaurusrex Stories
If you are new and unsure what to read, start with these stories. They are the best places to begin:
M.S.B.P.
The Greatest Halftime Show on Earth
Sweet talker
Drunk Dial Disaster
And One!
Stand For Once
Kill'em All
David Sedaris and Mexi-Elves
Cinco de Drinko
If you like these, proceed on to the rest of my stories:
DrunkRex Stories
I have seen, said, and done a lot of crazy shit over the last 7 or 8 years--from doing the Fosbury Flop into a display pool at the county fair, to peeing on the shoes of a man who wouldn't move so I could pass, to stealing $700 from a conniving stripper and throwing it off a bridge. I'd like to be able to tell you that alcohol was not prominently involved in any of these incidents, but then I'd be lying. I think Catholics call this sort of exposition "Confession." I call it the DrunkRex Stories.
BART Stories
BART stands for Bay Area Rapid Transit. It's the mass transit light-rail system that connects San Francisco and the suburbs to its south and east. BART serves as the lifeline and commute method of choice for more than 500,000 people per week throughout the Bay Area. Most of those people are normal. Many, manymanymanymany are not so normal. These stories are about "those" people as I see them during my commute to and from San Francisco everyday.
Finding the Funny
Being funny is one of the hardest things to do in this world. Running a close third behind only 2) hitting a major league fastball and 1) marrying a beautiful woman who will not rip out your heart and step on it like a cigarette butt, being funny requires, above all else, being able to find the funny. What people don't seem to realize is that the funny is EVERYWHERE. Sometimes it's obvious (midgets getting hit by buses) and sometimes it's very subtle (the frequency with which morbidly obese people drive Geo Metros). Regardless, finding the funny requires that you keep your eyes and ears open and identify the absurd in every possible situation. Here, let me show you...
I find the funny in one sentence:
Nils is fat.
Nils ate too much cheese.
@ 10/31/2009 3:00 PM
That wasn't Bunny. That was his recent girlfriend, Erin. The really hot one in the bikini pics.
Has Tugger told the truth about anything? It seems pretty obvious that he doesn't make much money from his website even though he once claimed to make in excess of $10k/month. I think it's funny that in spite of his previous boasts, he now claims that anyone who thought he was making money off his old forums doesn't understand how Internet advertising works.
Tugger's life is just one lie after another. Does he even know what the truth is anymore? I wonder whether he can even afford health insurance.
nils is only qualified to write food reviews, not anything else. although im rather worried that he might put a positive bias on every morsel he would review, as he clearly hasn't met even a double whopper that he didnt love
Nils is an obese, mindless bargain basement version of Tucker...pathetic.
6:51, you mean the herpes-infested chick who dumped Tucker after realizing what a lying little loser he is?
What is this hot chick you all keep talking about, and why are you not posting pics?
Go back a few pages and look for the flickr links, they're there. She looks smoking hot in a bikini.
--aside from the 2 herpes sores on her stomach.
stomach herpes is certainly some Tucker Max Fail
http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3533/3184074008_4f2686434d_o.jpg
ok
IHTSBIH Facts:
#50: Stomach herpes is always good for a belly laugh.
tweet this
Holy shit,
Has anybody read TiB's thread on IHTSBIH? It's fucking fantastic, and when I use the word "fantastic" I mean "fucking pathetic".
You have fans of Tucker's trying to come up with a line of reasoning on why the movie didn't do well while comparing it to Shawshank and Slumdog. Here, I'll cut the Gordian Knot.
THE MOVIE SUCKED!!! It was below average on almost all levels, but particularly the script. That's why it didn't catch on. Tucker was selling a piece of shit like it was made of solid gold. It was never gold, it was shit. If you went to somebody who didn't know who Tucker was or what the movie was about they wouldn't see a chunk of gold, they'd see a piece of shit. How do you not see that? How do you not understand that?
Look, I understand that Tucker fans are for the most part brainwashed morons, but come on, be honest with yourself in a way that Tucker was never honest with you. It was a bad movie. If you liked it, that's fine, but don't make it out like the movie ever had a chance to do well. It simply was a below average movie being marketed as something it could never be. TDG was correct, Tucker was nothing more than an ad-pitch man selling a trinket on the internet.
You've been had, you've been bamboozled. If anything I don't understand why Tucker fans aren't more upset with Tucker. HE HAD THEM WASTE THEIR MONEY, not the critics or anybody else.
Yeah, it's pathetic. My armchair analysis is that these people identify with Tucker so strongly that to admit the movie sucked would be an indictment of themselves. No matter how much they deny it, to admit that Tucker is a douchebag is to admit they themselves are a douchebag.
^ You got it exactly right. I was a Tucker fan after I read his stories, because he came across as a cool guy. But after reading a bit of the TMMB, hearing the Sirius radio disaster, etc, I realized that the guy is an egomaniacal, malicious douchebag.
Why haven't all his fans realized this?
Who will ascend to the throne now left vacant by Tucker?
WHO IS the next Tucker Max?
I will be the next Tucker Max.
Hi. My name is Grant Graham, and I'm an asshole. I have some awesome true stories that are unbelievable... which is why they're entertaining. However if you don't believe my unbelievable stories, then you won't understand the humor because unbelievable stories are only funny if you believe in them. In other words, the joke is on you.
(cue to Why So Syria TShirt Ad)
Better question, if you had the chance to fuck one person, who would you fuck:
a) Tucker Max
b) Bunny
c) Kung Fu Mike
d) Griffin
e) Charlie Hoehn
That is precisely the sort of idiot question that belongs on the Idiot Board.
I'm so glad the TiB started up. Tucker's old board was a piece of shit that needed to die. And Freak Safari is full of fucking queers and basement dwellers.
With the humor of Blue Dog. The leadership of Chater. The awesome wit of Grind. Shegirl's sexy and hilarious flirting in every thread. It's a million times better than the RMMB.
I'm glad you guys established TiB. It's like a colony for social lepers.
there is nothing redeeming about the idiot board. you people should all die of aids, except not from a girl, but from a man rape.
tucker's board was worthy of criticism. the idiot board is like making fun of fox news if it weren't republican. it would just be another crappy channel, and not worthy of discussion.
nils has bigger tits than bunny
"you people should all die of aids, except not from a girl, but from a man rape."
I almost never laugh out loud at anything I read online, but I laughed at this. Respect!
"there is nothing redeeming about the idiot board. you people should all die of aids, except not from a girl, but from a man rape."
I'm not sure that the people on the idiot board wouldn't prefer man rape over a real girl. It seems like most of them doth protest too much. Man rape with a brief reach around would probably be most preferable. Certainly, that's what an unapologetically masculine guy with a lisp would want.
haha yes we are so funny haha we tell the manrape jokes no wait boyrape is even funnier we are muslims haha sweet sweet boy ass ah nothing else is so good
"I'm so glad the TiB started up. Tucker's old board was a piece of shit that needed to die. And Freak Safari is full of fucking queers and basement dwellers.
With the humor of Blue Dog. The leadership of Chater. The awesome wit of Grind. Shegirl's sexy and hilarious flirting in every thread. It's a million times better than the RMMB."
Everyone, that message was undoubtedly posted by "Grind" from that board. No one but him would describe him as someone with "awesome wit". Everyone from the RMMB, and now the TiB board, thinks he's a fucking tool who tries entirely too hard. The message above shows that, and is fucking pathetic.
Freak Safari was the best of the best of the TMMB. I haven't been there in forever. Thank you for making me remember!
I doubt Grind reads this board you fucking idiot. I went over there just now and checked a couple of his posts. I laughed my ass of like crazy.
He's a young kid, but he's really learning a lot. He's not like that Ryan Holiday douche.
Between theGrind and iamRob, you have two punks that are talentless. Rob even pimps his tee shirts from Jersey. What a tool. Both are nothing but fucking punks.
In better news, Radius Air has been launched and is taking Tucker to Mexico, Texas, and Europe. Tucker is even going to Switzerland to see Roman in jail. They both have so much in common. Do NOT email him on this. There will be more later!
I read some of Grind's most recent posts.
The only things that is certain is that he is a dumb, talentless cunt.
Oh, and Nils is fat.
TiB is too overly moderated for it's own good. Plus, it's like the bottom of the barrel of TMMB posters. Remember how all the old posters said that TMMB used to be great, but it was taken over by a bunch of talentless, unfunny sycophantic ass kissers? Well those talentless, unfunny sycophantic ass-kissers all got their own board now and it's fucking lame and directionless.
Grind is the best poster
TiB IS BETTER THAN FREAK SAFARI!
"Rob even pimps his tee shirts from Jersey."
Yeah. What a douchebag! Jersey!
IamRob is at least a somewhat decent guy. He basically gave BC Woods and the Slow children at play guy a website after both of their drama with Tucker and he pays for it all out of his own pocket.
DARTH VADER IS BETTER THAN GAIUS BALTAR
SPACE:1999 IS BETTER THAN DOLLHOUSE
KIBO IS BETTER THAN LOKI
STALE BREAD IS BETTER THAN STINKY CHEESE
NILS IS FAT IS BETTER THAN NICE TRY MCBEEFSMOKER
UKRAINIAN GIRLS IS HOT IS BETTER THAN JAPANESE MOONSPEAK SPAM
You check out this site. It's got some sweet shirts. lol.
www.shirtgenius.com
Now that the war is over and Tucker Max was subjected to a very public humiliation let's all move on. Right?
Tucker was a internet spinster at best who got caught in his own trap. This whole saga reminds about a small town in the USA where one day the town's bully (Ken Rex McElroy) was gunned down in broad daylight in front of dozens of people. No one came forward and the crime went unsolved. The bully was now gone forever.
The only difference between the Ken Rex McElroy murder and the complete destruction of Tucker Max's Hollywood dreams was the fact that the people who prayed for the end of the McElroy knew when stop gloating and quietly get on with their lives.
We all agree that Tucker Max was a delusional scumbag liar that deserved everything that he had coming. But what is the spiritual price that we paid in wishing and hoping for his downfall from the curb into the condom-strewned gutter?
Did we hurt ourselves in the process? Was all that bad karma needed? what about the hundreds of innocent people dragged down drain with Tucker Max and his fraud?
rudius airline jets fly faster, higher, and with more US pride than any other airline.
-nick sadler, alpha team leader.
-level 14 sniper.
-6'0.
-fucked your girlfriend and thats why ur mad
Just saw this on imdb and I noticed something:
“If it turns out that this thing rides to a 210 million dollar box office based on its word of mouth starting in the 18-24 year old age group and in select internet circles and is regaled as a classic comedy--then I was right, for the right reasons, and I should be considered an expert. I called it before it happens, exactly how it would happen. If it crashes and burns, then I was completely wrong and I have no idea what I am talking about and shouldn't be making movies.”
Key point: "If it turns out that this thing rides to a 210 million dollar box office based on its word of mouth". Why? He's blaming the failure entirely on poor marketing. 8 Months ago, he was predicting $210 million BO based off of word of mouth, ie little/no marketing.
Griffin changed his website layout sometime in the last week. What a fag. Looks like shit, and he looks like a female.
6:04, don't forget that, according to Tucker, the advertising push in Chicago had pretty much 0 effect. Of course, it's easier to blame a bunch of faceless suits than accept that your movie just flat-out sucked.
"But, the drunken spastics we screened it for in Tuscon thought it was hilarious" - pretty much the only argument Tucker can make as for why this film is so great.
Check out Ryan Holiday's latest update: http://www.ryanholiday.net/archives/judgment.phtml#comments
He's like Baghdad Bob. Even though his world is crashing down upon him, he continues on like nothing's happening. Also, the comments just add to the hilarity. Gotta check em out.
"I doubt Grind reads this board you fucking idiot. I went over there just now and checked a couple of his posts. I laughed my ass of like crazy.
He's a young kid, but he's really learning a lot. He's not like that Ryan Holiday douche."
Illogical anger on behalf of someone they "supposedly" aren't? Check.
Knowledge of the age of that someone, and making a subjective claim about them, i.e. "learning a lot"? Check.
Deflection of claim to being a tool on to someone else? Check.
Yeah, Grind, you don't read this board. Again, you're fucking pathetic.
Grind is a complete shithead.
Did I mention that Nils was fat?
Anyone notice that Griffin is one of the 'random' interviewees from the first 'audience reaction' video they posted for the movie a while back? Unbiased reporting, my arse.
Can people shut the fuck up about Freak Safari or w/e it is. I just googled that shit out of interest and it's even gayer than RMMB or TIB.
Which video was Griffin in?
Ooooooh, he's cute.
"Which video was Griffin in?"
The very first 'audience reactions' video they posted way back when.
It looks like Ryan deleted some comments.
Hey, lay off the fags, you gay-bashing homo.
ryan's writing seems a little wonky, kind of like someone who maybe dropped out of a tier 4 public college before ever taking english 101. it also seems like he doesn't realize that he sounds pretentious and that his disjointed thoughts and weak prose completely reveal his lack of erudition.
and nils is pregnant. congrats, nils. double whoppers are on the house.
-nick sadler, special forces team leader
I am confused.
Are you saying Nils is fat?
I think he is saying that Nils is one fat fuck nugget.
Dudes, I am not fat.
nils isnt fat, it's just an optical illusion. he's just wearing extra small girls tshirts most of the time.
nils and tucker are better magicians than writers. tucker made 12 mil disappear, and nils made 12 double whoppers disappear
Nils was so hungry that he felched the sperm out of the midget Tucker fucked, just to get some protein. More on this later. Do NOT e-mail me about this people.
To the guy who says Bunny gives amazing head - that must have happened pretty recently and she must have done a lot of work on it since I popped one off in her mouth a while back (eventually).
Hey, did you hear about this Tucker Max guy? He's a douchebag.
Show of e-hands, people...who amongst you has hooked up with Bunny?
Ryan Holiday is a first class moron. I mean, for starters, he chose to work for Tucker because he believed the Rudius blog cartel (RIP) was going to change the entertainment industry.
From the Rudius Media website:
"We'll also help manage your career and guide you past the pitfalls that affect everyone who is new to this business."
Hahahaha!
http://www.rudiusmedia.com/archives/entries/author_testimonials.phtml
My dad gave me one dollar bill
'Cause I'm his smartest son,
And I swapped it for two shiny quarters
'Cause two is more than one!
And then i took the quarters
And traded them to Lou
For three dimes-i guess he don't know
that three is more than two!
Just them, along came old blind Bates
And just 'cause he can't see
He gave me four nickels for my three dimes,
And four is more than three!
And I took the nickels to Hiram Coombs
Down at the seed-feed store,
and the fool gave me five pennies for them,
And five is more than four!
And then I went and showed my dad,
and he got red in the cheeks
And closed his eyes and shook his head-
Too proud of me to speak!
http://www.rudiusmedia.com/archives/entries/submit_a_story.phtml
I submitted a story for consideration. I HOPE I GET CHOSEN :)
Was it about a spoiled kid who lucks into some popularity based on some made-up stories and leverages that into a multi-million dollar defrauding of clueless investors based on an utterly crappy movie project, ending with a total implosion, denial of reality, and nervous breakdown? Cause that seems like it has dramatic potential.
8:13 AM
Add an overweight sidekick into the fray and I think we have a winning combination.
I just hope FailDogs is safe.
Bunny is proof that fat girls do give the best head.
Is Tucker still running around with his entourage of five hairdressers and eleven publicists or however many it was?
"IamRob is at least a somewhat decent guy. He basically gave BC Woods and the Slow children at play guy a website after both of their drama with Tucker and he pays for it all out of his own pocket."
Seems like most of the best blogs on Rudius stopped updating years ago. Did Tucker think pissing off talent was a good way to do business or just what happens?
Tard blog was hilarious and Fire on the line looked interesting too. WTF?
But now how is Tucker going to be able to afford his Propecia!?!?!
I am more worried about him being able to keep with his Avodart.
tucker max commented on the youtube parody of him, stating that nils is much fatter in real life, and ryan holiday is a lot more effeminate. also, tucker says the movie is inaccurate as hitler is only about 5'8 and tucker's 6'2 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IOkzxsqqP6o
hmmm
Gawker's latest:
http://gawker.com/5395506/tucker-max-has-an-explanation?skyline=true&s=x
Anyone have a picture of Gigi?
Tucker, it would be more helpfuler to reinvent yourself in a "I was such a screwup BUT NOW I FOUND JESUS PRAISE HALLELUJAH" mode.
^^ I just wanted to use "helpfuler" in a sentence.
Damn! That Gawker photo is begging for a caption:
"Yes Tucker, your tiny fist doesn't need Astroglide."
Grant
Take a look at that Gawker picture. At that angle doesn't it make Tucker look like he has the arms of a dwarf?
Couple that with his square head and lantern jaw and Tucker is basically just a really tall dwarf.
This explains everything.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oo8CrY_ZfFk&feature=player_embedded
This is genius: "Fuck Tucker, Tucker sucks!"
George Carlin is never wrong...
Gawker photo:
"Tucker checks prostates daily"
Re: The end of Rudius Media?
by Corman » Wed Oct 21, 2009 5:13 pm
It's true.
Rudius Media is getting mothballed while some things get sorted out. I'm also locking this thread because this board isn't the place to discuss it. But I wanted to respond because I didn't want the rumor mill to start pumping out every stupid insane theory possible either. While I appreciate that most of the posters here are children of the RMMB I'd like to move past that and onto something new. If you're just dying to know what happened and can't sleep at night I'd suggest emailing Tucker.
I'm working on my own thoughts / feelings / etc about Rudius Media and what it's meant to me over these past three years and it'll be on my site when I'm done writing it. There's nothing in the shutdown of Rudius Media that's supposed to be hidden but you have to remember that this company was made up of some really good people who showed up and made an honest effort every day. Being a part of that and having it shut down isn't the easiest thing to process or talk about.
For now, lets just move on.Corman
Posts: 42
Joined: Sun Oct 18, 2009 5:31 pm
i wouldnt say tucker is a "really tall" anything. he's 5'8. maybe a moderately tall dwarf.
IFTB here: well, it looks like my spies within Tucker's empire have been outed. Shame really, as they helped break the story about Tucker's Fail Tour back in April. No dispatches from them in weeks. I'm particularly concerned about a couple of the "journalists" that I had arranged to interview Tucker---they seem to have gone dark. Here are their last, rather disturbing dispatches via their blackberry & iphone. Kind of cobbled together as it was in both voice, video & text:
Location: crappy Los Angeles walkup in the vicinity of Hollywood. Also Korea-town adjacent. Basically shitsville.
Knock-Knock. Knock-Knock!!
Finally the door cracks open. It is pitch black inside.
"What do you want?"
"Hi! We had an interview scheduled with Tucker for this afternoon---his PR team had arranged it months ago in anticipation of how busy Tucker would be once his movie went wide."
"Wait. Here."
Door slams. Mumblings heard. A glass breaks. Crying.
Door cracks open again. A decidedly sour odor creeps forth.
"Tucker is busy right now. You can come in and wait, but it may be a while. We would prefer if you wait outside though."
"Oh thats ok. We'll come in--we need to setup the cameras anyway for the YouTube video. Charlie Hoehn was supposed to be here to help facilitate this?"
"Sigh. Charlies gone. Cormans gone. Griffins gone. They are all gone. Cowards!"
We enter the space. The odor isn't pleasant, and combined with the lack of light (all the windows appear to be painted black), the place has a rather creepy feel to it. The voice seems to have disappeared. Silence. Finally from what seems to be a long way away:
"Wait Here. Don't touch anything."
Pt 2:
As our eyes adjust to the gloomy light we are able to makeout a couple of filthy couches, a busted coffee table, and mounds of trash. In-N-Out & Zankou Chicken take-out bags are strewn everywhere. We are afraid to sit down.
We see some faint light coming from down the hall. Being intrepid journalists, we decide to check it out. The light is coming from what appears to have been a small bedroom next to a kitchen, but now it seems to be some sort of storage room, as there is nothing but books everywhere, except for a refrigerator box in the middle of the room. The light is coming from there.
"Hello...could we, ugh, talk to Tucker?"
A short scream comes from the box, followed by an emaciated Ryan Holiday scuttling out wearing what appear to be children's jammies with cartoons on them (Astro from The Jetsons I believe): "Hey, man, you don't talk to Tucker. You listen to him. The man's enlarged my mind. He's a poet-warrior in the classic sense. I mean sometimes he'll... uh... well, you'll say "hello" to him, right? And he'll just walk right by you. He won't even notice you. And suddenly he'll grab you, and he'll throw you in a corner, and he'll say, "do you know that 'if' is the middle word in life? If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs and blaming it on you, if you can trust yourself when all men doubt you"... I mean I'm no, I can't... I'm a little man, I'm a little man, he's... he's a great man. I should have been a pair of ragged claws scuttling across floors of silent seas... "
"Umm, thats great & all, but really we just want to talk to Tucker. Is he here?"
"What are they gonna say about him? What are they gonna say? That he was a kind man? That he was a wise man? That he had plans? That he had wisdom? Bullshit man!"
Ryan appears to have lost his mind, as he suddenly grabs a book off the nearest pile & starts flipping thru the pages rapidly: "see the highlighted sections? Pink & Yellow! Its all there man! Tucker taught me that! Live your Life to the FULLEST! FUCK THE MAN!! Do you know what Commodus did? Ancient fucking Rome man!" Spit begins to fly from his mouth in alarming quantities. We beat a hasty retreat back down the hall, slamming the door to Ryan's "cave". He is now screaming on the other side of the door: "This is the way the fucking world ends! Look at this fucking shit we're in man. Not with a bang, but with a whimper. And with a whimper, I'm fucking splitting, Jack."
The laughter of insanity follows us back down the hall. Time to leave.
Pt 3:
"Hello."
Startled we turn around. Between the gloom, the stench, and Holiday's meltdown the overall scene is beginning to freak us out.
"Over here."
Squinting thru the gloom, we makeout what appears to be a gelatinous mound under a blanket on the couch.
"Its ok. I won't bite. Tucker removed my teeth."
"What?!?"
"Better fellatio. I give great head. Want some?"
From under the blanket a matted & greasy rat's nest appears on top of a moon shaped face. The cheeks glisten with what appear to be fresh tears. I doubt it is from washing, as that bit of personal hygiene seems to be particularly lacking. At least we've identified the source of that odor.
"Um...Erin? Bunny?"
"Bunny...why yes...Bunny..I haven't been called that in some time. Yes, I was once known as Bunny. But that was before."
"Umm, before what?"
"I'm not allowed to talk about it. 1.5!" Sobs.
"Ok then. Um wheres the door out? We really should be going. We'll reschedule the interview for another time."
"No. It is as it was meant to be. Tucker has foreseen this. Nothing can help you now."
A toothless grin. Creepsville, population 3.
"Yeah thats great & all. Just give Tucker our regrets. Now which way is the door sweetie?"
"DONT SWEETIE ME!!! THERE IS NOTHING FUCKING SWEET ABOUT ME ANYMORE & ITS CORPORATE MEDIA WHORES LIKE YOURSELVES FAULT!!!"
The dirty blanket falls away. Not pleasent. The girl is naked. For some reason the bathroom shower scene in The Shining flashes in my mind. She stands up. An image of Gozer the Gozerian fills my head...if Gozer was made of chewed bubblegum.
We start backing down another hall. Time to exit this little shop of horrors. Not panic time. Yet.
"Wait! Want a hug? Gorilla said I could have one! PPLLEEAASSEE!!! I WANNA BE LUVED!!"
Pt 4:
We appear to be in a maze. The hall really shouldn't be this long? It gets darker & darker. A muted scream/sob/giggle follows us down the hall, followed by a wet shuffling sound that is decidedly too close. Our blackberries barely give out enough light to see where we are going. We hurry. Panic time is just around the corner.
We stumble thru what feel like a 70's era beaded curtain into a pitch black room.
"Hello? Hello? What the fuck?"
"The heads. You're looking at the heads. Sometimes he goes too far. He's the first one to admit it."
Yelp! Was that me? How did Holiday get out of his room? And where the fuck are we??? Its like we've been dropped into the moth room of Buffalo Bill, except instead of moths there are thousands of fake Oscar statues on the walls, in boxes, hanging by their necks from strings.....and they are all missing their heads, and all appear to have been tortured in some way. They all are burned with what appears to be a large TM on their chest. Ryan scuttles in on all fours via what appears to be a doggy door in the wall.
"Ryan, we would like to leave now. Can you show us the door please?"
Ryan cackles in the gloom & appears to lick his lips. We notice that he too is missing his teeth. His mouth is bloody. "He likes you because you're still alive. Murph pup wanna bone?? FRESH!"
Thump! Thump! Thump! Thump! The building shakes with each impact.
"Oh no.....Nils!"
Ryan scutters back thru the doggy door. A voice booms from outside the room:
"HOMER WANNA SANDWICH NOW! FOOOOOOOD! FOOOOOOOOD! FEED ME! ALL WORK & NO PLAY MAKES NILS A HUNGRY BOY!!"
Truly terrified now.
A huge black shape fills the doorway. My mind almost snaps...why else would I be thinking of Fat Bastard at a time like this? Whatever the shape is, it clearly isn't human...at least not anymore. Is there such a thing as a human Turducken? This thing in front of us is something out of a comic book---if you are what you eat---it appears to have come from a horrible industrial accident at the Frito Lay factory. Does Butterball make a 500lb stuffed turkey? Does Spam come in a bag? The remnants of a Santa's outfit appear to have melded to its "skin". Sticks of Slim-Jims jut from under its blubbery chin. Its eyes are the color of a Cheeto, and its hair appears to be made out of Spagettios. Jimmie Dean pork sausage for fingers. Thankfully it is wearing a diaper. Unfortunately the diaper is rather old.
It sees us.
"GOOD FOOD! GOOD EATS! NILS LOVES FRESH MEAT!"
A virtual ocean of saliva drips from the things' mouth. We dive thru the doggy door.
Fuck. Double fuck.
Pt 5:
We were expecting Ryan's room. Instead we are in another windowless room, but this one is painted industrial grey. A single flourescent light hangs overhead. A cot is in the corner, and sitting on the cot, head in his hands, is Tucker Max. Nothing else is in the room. He looks up at us:
"I've seen horrors... horrors that you've seen. But you have no right to call me a murderer. You have a right to kill me. You have a right to do that... but you have no right to judge me. It's impossible for words to describe what is necessary to those who do not know what horror means. Horror. Horror has a face... and you must make a friend of horror. Horror and moral terror are your friends. If they are not then they are enemies to be feared. They are truly enemies. I remember when I was with Special Forces. Seems a thousand centuries ago. We went into a camp to inoculate the children. We left the camp after we had inoculated the children for Polio, and this old man came running after us and he was crying. He couldn't see. We went back there and they had come and hacked off every inoculated arm. There they were in a pile. A pile of little arms. And I remember... I... I... I cried. I wept like some grandmother. I wanted to tear my teeth out. I didn't know what I wanted to do. And I want to remember it. I never want to forget it. I never want to forget. And then I realized... like I was shot... like I was shot with a diamond... a diamond bullet right through my forehead. And I thought: My God... the genius of that. The genius. The will to do that. Perfect, genuine, complete, crystalline, pure. And then I realized they were stronger than we. Because they could stand that these were not monsters. These were men... trained cadres. These men who fought with their hearts, who had families, who had children, who were filled with love... but they had the strength... the strength... to do that. If I had ten divisions of those men our troubles here would be over very quickly. You have to have men who are moral... and at the same time who are able to utilize their primordial instincts to kill without feeling... without passion... without judgment... without judgment. Because it's judgment that defeats us."
Pt 6:
"Um, ok. Hi Tucker. We had an interview scheduled for today to discuss your movie, but it appears that you are a bit pre-occupied right now. How about we reschedule it for next week. Starbucks at The Grove? Formosa Cafe? Please?"
"I watched a snail crawl along the edge of a straight razor. That's my dream. That's my nightmare. Crawling, slithering, along the edge of a straight... razor... and surviving."
He stands up and walks towards us. I realize that we are still on all fours. We don't move.
"We train young men to drop fire on people. But their commanders won't allow them to write "fuck" on their airplanes because it's obscene! "
He is right in front of us. Up close I notice that he is wearing platform flip-flops. Didn't know they made such a thing.
"Um Tucker, why are you and Ryan Holiday repeating lines from Apocalypse Now?"
"Have you ever considered any real freedoms? Freedoms from the opinion of others... even the opinions of yourself?"
"Earth to Tucker---can you please show us the way out? My editor is waiting for the upload"
I notice that there is a mirror above the doggy door we just came thru. He appears to be talking to himself.
"Did they say why, Willard, why they want to terminate my command?"
"Um Tucker, my name is Steve. We just want to get back to Sunset. Help a brother out?"
"Are my methods unsound?"
"What are you talking about? Method? Out. Which. Way."
"I expected someone like you. What did you expect? Are you an assassin?"
"I went to University of Michigan. I'm not an assassin or a soldier. Now which way is out?"
"You're neither. You're an errand boy, sent by grocery clerks, to collect a bill. If you went to University of Chicago or Duke Law you would recognize that."
I realize I am still on all fours in front of him. And that he is wearing a Josten's University of Chicago school ring on his hand.
"Ok, this interview is over. No cover of Rolling Stone for you. You obviously aren't the coolest one of your friends"
"We must kill them. We must incinerate them. Pig after pig. Cow after cow. Village after village. Army after army."
"Yeah, we know---going to change the face of Hollywood. Blah, blah, blah. Really we just wanted to find out what Assholes Finish First was about.....given that IHTSBIH The Movie bombed at the box office"
"What do you call assassins who accuse assassins?"
"Um Tucker, you didn't make it thru basic training. You aren't a Green Beret. You aren't in the Special Forces. You aren't a gladiator, and you certainly aren't a Ninja assassin. Rudius is out of business. Reality...deal with it!"
Suddenly Tucker pulls a wooden sword from behind his back & whacks my camera man on the head with it. Blood spurts all over the place. Tucker goes to work with the sword.
"YOU CAN TAKE MY MOVIE AWAY FROM ME, BUT YOU'LL NEVER TAKE MY FREEDOM!"
I run, back thru the doggy door, thru the beaded curtain...panic time...Little Shop of Horrors meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre time.....damn, dropped by iphone.....shitty Verizon coverage........crawling across the room, I am unable to get out. I am trapped in the kitchen.....Nils is coming. He is hungry. I cannot get out. I cannot get out. Its....
"The horror... the horror..."
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