The story below was copied from a
Facebook.com account. A link to this story in the comments to an older post awhile ago.
Tucker Max's face, meet Megan ******'s hand
Megan was discussing ball shaving with a nice man at a tailgate. Good start to this story;) NE ways, Tucker Max was also at the tailgate and started talking shit to Megan (he obviously thought she was a hot girl who would sleep w/ him if acted like an asshole, and he was showing off in front of his buddies). Megan hit him on the arm, and he said that meant Megan wanted to fuck him because if she hit him in the face, then he'd know she was mad. She then dissed his elastic waistband (yes, he was wearing elastic waistband shorts, what is he, 12?), and he said "its so stupid bitch whores like you can suck my dick without any confusion." So she slapped him in the face!!!
Tucker threw his drink at her, Candice threw her drink at Tucker with lightning fast reflexes, then he proceeded to grab Megan by her hair and hit her in the face with his pathetically small hands. With a bruised face, and a bruised ego, he took his shriveled penis back to his buddies.
In Tucker Max's own words, "My name is Tucker Max, and I am an asshole." Oh, and he hits girls.
15,917 comments:
«Oldest ‹Older 13801 – 14000 of 15917 Newer› Newest»who the heck is jeff waldman again?
saw that he posted some of the tuckster's tales and am confuzzled.
Hmmm, looks like Tucker is going to revolutionize the Internet now, by staying the hell off of it and just putting out paper books.
Revolutionary, man!
Haha...
Griffinwrites didn't leave my comment up.
I directed him towards "The quotable Tucker Max"
I'm thinking of telling him almost everyone posting is secretly mocking him. But I might spoil the fun for others, so I won't.
"I complemented you on your writing in another post. Your response to one of the posts, about schooling a rookie were fucking awesome. I think alot of pussies in the world who do not understand that concept are almost certainly people who will never get anywhere in life, because they can’t look past taking shit."
This has to be sarcasm. I feel sorry for Griffin because he is legitimately responding to some of these.
I think the joke here is "get anywhere in life" because Griffin is older, hasn't got anywhere, lives at home, and worked for free for Tucker.
At first I thought he was a naive college student because of his writing. But he's not, he's actually older and just a douche.
The secret origin of the funding of Tucker Max . . .
In a smoky italian restaurant . . .
Vinnie enters the room, looks around to ensure his conversation is private, and begins . . .
Vinnie: Hey boss, we've got $20 million coming in from Costa Rica.
Big Tony: That's great, how are we gonna filter it to make it look legitimate?
Vinnie: That's the problem, our last money laundering connection went belly up by getting connected in some ponzi scheme.
Big Tony: Time to call the boys at Darko, they still owe me one.
Vinnie: You're going to ruin the life of some writer just to clean our money? That's terrible.
Big Tony: Nah, I found a giant douche. I think he slept with one of my girlfriends.
Vinnie: Won't he get suspicious with all the money coming through even though he'll be actually shooting on a $3,000 budget?
Big Tony: Nah, the dude is clueless and thinks his poo poo stories are art. We're doing the world a favor here.
I don't mind Griffin either. He actually posted one of my negative comments, and shrugged it off in a self-effacing manner.
Props. He latched himself onto Tucker to try launching his own career. I get it now; had Tucker been both talented and generous, there might have been an eventual payoff of Griffin.
Charlie Hoehn has yet to comment about his complete and total failure on this project.
Eh, Big Tony, anybody ever tell you you got a stupid fucking nickname?
-how not to get ahead in the mafia
i wnat 2 paly
how do i paly
You know, I'm pretty sure the guy who keeps mentioning the griffinwrites blog is Griffin/Gris himself. Why else would he he tell us about a blog no one reads about one of Tucker's lackeys? Some serious self-loathing going on in his posts here though. Of course, by mentioning this, maybe I'm Gris?
Hey, anybody read the latest thing Griffin posted?
-not Griffin
Griffinwrites.com is the best website in the history of earth!!!
He's a cool dude!!!
-Griffin
tucker made an unpaid lemming pay for everyone's beer. And they still believed he would have shared the FU money with them lol
now they have no dignity and no money
Tucker Max is a pretty cool guy, he creates box office bombs and doesn't afraid of anything.
Nils deleted his "See Saw Run. See Saw Flop. Don't See Saw. See Paranormal Activity. Like everyone else." I wonder why...
SERIOUS QUESTION: how many calories does it take per day to feed Nils?
i'm guessing 3300?
2000 calories is your recommended daily intake.
So Nils is probably in the upwards of 10000 to 1000000000000000000000.
"The secret origin of the funding of Tucker Max . . .
In a smoky italian restaurant . . ."
Actually, you are talking about another great serial pathological liar, Stephen Seagal. Although Seagal actually was a talented martial arts instructor and did make a few moneys that made money before he imploded on his own ego, he had Tucker's penchant for telling whoppers.
http://www.trutv.com/library/crime/criminal_mind/scams/steven_seagal/index.html
3000 calories is his mid day snack alone, right after 9000 lunch
That fat fuck is probably 4000 - 5000 per day. way over what is necessary.
He is one fat fucker and getting fatter.
I generally eat about a metric ton per day when snacking. Meals are double.
"He is one fat fucker and getting fatter."
Give him a break- he won't be fat for much longer. You can't buy much food when you don't have any money.
Have I not told you that Nils is fat? Have I not promised you that he'll get fatter? You monkeys need to stop postulating about what you don't know, and learn to connect the dots for what you do know, which is what I have told you. It's right there in front of you, Nils is really fat.
Three of Tucker Max's new "stories" for Assholes Finish First (extremely poorly written):
http://newyork.timeout.com/articles/sex-dating/78791/excerpts-assholes-finish-first
Fucking in Gramercy Park
“I lived in New York City for a year, right by Gramercy Park on 25th and Lexington. When a well-connected buddy of mine lent me his key to Gramercy Park, he asked, ‘What the fuck are you going to do in it, go walk your dog?’ And I was like, ‘No dude, I’m going to fuck in Gramercy Park.’ So I meet this girl and she is, like, all impressed that I have the key to Gramercy Park—she’s one of those girls. So we get to the park around midnight, and she’s acting kind of weird. But she didn’t have that much to drink. We start hooking up, and I was like, ‘Let’s have sex.’ And she was like, ‘No, I want to blow you, and I want you to finish in my mouth.’ I’m like, ‘Okay, fine. Whatever.’ So she goes down on me, and I finish. We go back to her place. She has another drink and is acting weird again. We begin fucking. She’s on top of me and starts wigging out. And I’m thinking, What the fuck is wrong with her? She falls off of me, opens the drawer next to her bed, pulls out a hypodermic needle, sticks it her thigh and shoots it. I’m thinking, What the fuck is going on? This is fucking freaking me out! You know what she was? Diabetic! It was hypoglycemic shock. She thought my come would stabilize her blood sugar. That was her thought process! I was like, You’ve got to be shitting me. You think my come is going to regulate your blood sugar? Seriously? Seriously!”
Three’s the charm
“This is the story that caps off the book; it just culminated everything because it says that assholes really do finish first. So we had a screening in L.A. I invited the girl that I had just broken up with at the time, Erin. And I invited my ex-girlfriend, Courtney. These two are very different. Erin is an awesome, beautiful girl from Cleveland—the kind of girl you want to have kids with. Courtney is kind of crazy, shallow and soulless—very L.A. Opposites, these two. So I tell Erin where the after-party is because we’re still three weeks out. I don’t tell Courtney. But other people tell her where it is, so of course she comes. Nils [Parker, cowriter and coproducer of the film version of I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell] pulls me over and says, ‘Look!’ I see these two are standing across the bar like chicken heads staring at each other. And I’m like, ‘Aw, man.’ So for the next hour they just get closer and closer and closer. They both know who the other one is because they’ve seen each other’s pictures on my website. So they’re getting closer. And Nils has his bouncer face on—he used to be one—and is staring at them like a fucking hawk. He thinks they’re about to start fighting. I have no idea what’s going to happen—literally, no idea. Anything could happen and I’d believe it…except what happened. Courtney comes over and says, ‘Are you Erin? I’m Courtney.’ And they start talking and become fucking best friends, like two peas in a fucking pod. At the end of the night they approach me and they’re like, ‘We’ve decided that we’re having a threesome.’ That was an iconic moment in my life. Two exes met independently of me and decide that I’m going to fuck both of them in the same night. Are you shitting me? It was one of the greatest sexual nights in my life. I’m a fucking game player. I’ve had nights where I rolled snake eyes and passed out. This was not one of those nights. The only threesomes that work are when the women decide it’s going to happen and the man is basically just a living dildo. Those two went to town on each other. I mean went to town. Two nights later we did it again. The problem was, I should’ve hit it once and quit while I was ahead. I was like Michael Jordan coming back on the Wizards. The second time still worked out. The third time was a hot mess—explosion, yelling, screaming, all kinds of stuff. That situation was a boiling cauldron of shit, bound to bubble over eventually, and it was just a question of when. I’m happy I got three sessions out of it before it did. I went back to the well one too many times. I should have drained it, got the championship and left.”
X-ray porno
“So this happened in Raleigh. These two girls came back on the bus with us. Jeff [one of the guys working on Tucker’s movie tour] hurt his elbow, and we thought he might need an X-ray. So we find out that one of the girls is an X-ray tech. Dude, seriously, it kind of played out like a fucking cheap porno. So Jeff said, ‘Can I get an X-ray?’ And she said, ‘Of course you can.’ And he’s like, ‘When can I get an X-ray?’ and she goes, ‘I have keys to the clinic. You can get an X-ray right now.’ And Jeff’s like, ‘Well, let’s go.’ And I said, ‘Wait, what else can you X-ray?’ And she said, ‘I can X-ray anything you want.’ I said, ‘Can you get an X-ray of us fucking?’ She said, ‘I’ll do you one better, I’ll get X-ray video of us fucking.’ And I was like, ‘X-ray video?!? That exists?!?’ [Max whips out a video on his laptop of bones going at it to music.] Look, skeleton porn! I developed a new form of porn! There are two videos: one of me and a girl and one of Jeff and a girl. But I’m not going to show you Jeff’s because he has a bigger dick than me, so fuck him.”
LOL Now I remember why I like tucker. He should stick to writing instead of movies. Those stories are brilliant.
Tucker obviously has run out of things to say.
Good luck getting that piece of shit published, Tucker. Instead of relying on a Michael Jordan metaphor, you should have used Hakeem Olajuwon, as in "REJECTED" (by Simon Spotlight).
Again.
It's pretty clear those stories are transcribed from Tucker talking. I bet the written versions will be way, way, way better and more hilarious.
JORDAN WINS THE GAME! JORDAN WINS THE GAME!
Guys, weekend actuals are in and IHTSBIH did a monolithic 14 grrr with 400 dollars per screen for the weekend. Looks like almighty wom is really picking up for this revolutionary paradigm busting work of art. Tucker has the last laugh after-all.....
Oh, and is not one Nils A Parker a fellow of great and considerable bulbous carriage?
"Griffin: I was only on the bus until Sept. 24th, the day before the movie opened. I can’t speak to Tucker’s or Nils’ reaction to the movie’s results because I wasn’t there. I’m sure there was disappointment. But, once again, you’d have to ask them directly.
It’s funny that you mention people being obsessed with Tucker before the movie came out. Whether this movie proves to be a success in the long-run is still to be determined. Neither his website nor his book exploded right away. But, regardless of what happens, you’ve got to give Tucker credit for making people abnormally obsessed with his life.
Tucker is a narcissist and he’s managed to spin a career talking about and promoting the one thing he really wants to talk about — himself. Poor box office performance aside, I would say he’s done a pretty good job so far. And with his book just reaching #1 on the Best Sellers list after however many years, I wouldn’t discount his potential to bounce back from lackluster movie ticket sales."
Bahahahahahahaha
What are you hoping for a spot on the new fail tour Griffin?
"Guys, weekend actuals are in and IHTSBIH did a monolithic 14 grrr with 400 dollars per screen for the weekend. Looks like almighty wom is really picking up for this revolutionary paradigm busting work of art. Tucker has the last laugh after-all....."
1.4 million gross FU money bitches!
Griffin sounds like he should have been one of the students on the tard blog.
I'm a super hot chick and I would like to suck griffin's dick for all of eternity.
-not griffin
"Poor box office performance aside, I would say he’s done a pretty good job so far. And with his book just reaching #1 on the Best Sellers list after however many years, I wouldn’t discount his potential to bounce back from lackluster movie ticket sales."
Griffin, do yourself a favor. Find a real job. You're a marginal writer, and a third-rate observer which is fatal in the craft. Haven't you learned a damn thing about Tucker, Rudius or yourself from the Fail Bus Tour?
Grffin you clueless fuck. If you think Tucker's AFF is going to sell more than 50,000 copies you're dumber than Tucker, which says A LOT.
"Poor box office performance" & "lackluster movie ticket sales" - it was a FLOP bomb, debacle, disaster . It was a miserable FAILURE. at least whores get paid, grif took tucker's shit and paid for his beer too LOL dude find your dignity it's not too late
I scanned through griffinw site. actually he doesn't sound like a horrible person. he worked hard, just for the wrong person. i hope he uses his energy for something else, something that won't kill your soul or put you in the doghouse every other day.
there's definitely battered wife syndrome among his "friends"
there's definitely battered wife syndrome among his "friends"
You're exactly right. The men who follow Tucker seek validation. They are just as damaged as the women.
hot damn.
it sure is pathetic that you losers have no more tucker material to work with to the point that you have to find other useless targets.
LOSERS!
hot damn.
it sure is pathetic that you losers have no more tucker material to work with to the point that you have to find other useless targets.
LOSERS!
hot damn.
it sure is pathetic that you losers have no more tucker material to work with to the point that you have to find other useless targets.
LOSERS!
this is a repeat story and totally made up. nice try, Mcbeefsmoker.
McBeefsmoker comment FAIL.
hahahahaha I bet that stupid fuck waited an hour trying to nail that comment. hahahahahahahah what a dumb fuck.
8:13, you're absolutely right; let's just ignore the fact that Tucker's movie was a giant flop, he's completely broke and will never work in Hollywood again :-).
8:13 is fat.
Tucker slept with 8:13's girlfriend
8:13 got choked out on camera.
8:13 is right twice a day.
classic oldie comment...
Remember the time Tucker called the phone sex chat line and started jerkin it to this girl talking about blowing him and his friend both and then at the end, when he came, he started crying and she said, "What's wrong, honey?" and Tucker was all, "I can't afford THIS, and I'm not talking about the money, I'm talking about the psychic toll semi-anonymous encounters are taking on me. I used to think it was all for fun and now I think it's like an addiction" and then he goes like on and on for like an hour and the girl just kept saying, "Uh-huh, uh-huh" and then Tucker realized he'd just spent over $400.00 talking to a stranger and so he hung up the phone and threw it at this vase on his coffee table, the face he took from his Mom's a while back because he needed a vase and it was one his father had given her and she didn't like reminders of him, but Tucker couldn't bring himself to sweep up the glass until the next morning and that was only after he'd stepped on a shard and sliced his foot open, but hey at least IT WAS SOMETHING HE COULD FEEL.
That one killed me, man!
And remember that one post about how he went sharking at that bar but just didn't feel up to it, and everyone was smiling and laughing but he just kind of sat there passing the beer between his hands slowly, thoughtfully, and then he went to the bathroom and splashed some cold water on his face and he came out and all his bros were just like, standing there, like marionettes without strings and he just had that deep sense of despair that he would never escape this LIFE or whatever it is and suddenly he felt very trapped and angry, and that blonde smiled at him, and he grinned back and decided that if depression is anger turned inward than maybe sex can be anger turned outward?
That was totally awesome, brah.
Kinda like the one time Tucker was in the mall and he walked into Express to check out some threads and like Express has the chick section too, so it's totally a great place to glance across the aisle at some honeys in their natural habitat, and then he totally spotted this one hottie so he decided to walk up to her, but he wasn't sure if he should notice her shoes or her eyes or if she would want to get married someday so he just kinda dropped his jaw and touched her hair, and she totally just gave him this "WTF" look so he got the hell out of there, sped off in his car at like 100 mph hoping that a tire would blow out and he'd finally stop feeling that empty void that her hair had made him notice within himself.
Wasn't this shit the HOTNESS? I was rolling, bro.
My favorite episode from Life of Tucker was the one where he was in Daytona just like last year for Spring Break, and Bro, I totally know I'm getting too old for this, but you know, I'm 32, but I can totally pass for twenty-five, can't I, Bro? Right, can't I? And so like he had to go alone, cause his Bros, like, all had to work and stuff, but you know, that's okay. They're doing their thing. And anyhow, there he is, just chillin on the beach, drinking rum out of a Gatorade bottle when the Girls Gone Wild bus pulls up. And he's all like, man, I'm gettin too old for this shit, but he dusts himself off, and walks over, but the security guy's like, this total jackoff and won't let him get near. And he didn't even know why he wanted to go over there, except all those girls, all lined up for their tshirts, looked so innocent, in a way he hadn't thought of in a long time. And so he tried to get through again, and when they pushed him away he was all like, "Don't cockblock the Max!" And then security totally broke his jaw. But it's okay, because it was nice to feel a little something. And even though they had to wire his jaws shut, he could totally still drink as many brewskis as he wanted.
That shit was funny.
Remember that one where he was waiting for a flight to Tampa at O'Hare and he was watching those two little kids playing in the seats nearby and they just seemed so light and carefree. And it reminded him of a summer, years ago, when a girl named Gretchen moved into the house next door and they spent all three balmy months of that magical season just swinging on swings and digging in the ground and running through sprinklers and there was nothing "boy" or "girl" about them, they were just friends who loved each other because they were people. Because they recognized some humming, whirring, signal that came beeping out of their bodies. They were the same, really. That summer Tucker knew that everyone was the same, all just people trying to live decent lives, to be happy, to be loved and to love in return. So he thought of that when he saw the two kids at the airport, before he went to Tampa and got so fucking shitcanned that he pooped on his own shoes and nailed that Cuban chick with the mustache and she cried later on and maybe he did too and maybe even still does when he thinks about those kids and about Gretchen, who died a few years later when her plane exploded after taking off from JFK. They were going to Paris.
That's my favorite story, man.
The best was when Tucker decided to down fifteen Vicodin, not enough to kill him, but enough to make others take notice of his pain. And then, yeah, he woke up 34 hours later to only having received one text message from his Dad: "You forgot to call your mother this weekend. It was her fucking birthday, Tucker."
HAH!
Haha, remember that time Tucker went to Arby's late one night to get a few roast beef sandwiches because each chick he saw was a bit sadder than the last, and so he decided to feed his emptiness, and on his way out, he saw his overweight bro friend, the class clown of his circle of bros, sitting in a booth in the corner with his head in his hands and an empty tray full of wrappers in front of him, but he couldn't bring himself to talk to his friend because he recognized that his loneliness was self-imposed and you don't disturb that as part of the contract of SadBros, Inc? Ha, I fuckin laughed for hours when I read that.
Remember when Tucker wrote about the time he sat down at the edge of the bed with his head in his hands while the blonde was taking a shower, and he looked up into the mirror above his bureau and noticed the circles under his eyes were darker than he'd ever seen them before and he wondered how his mother was doing and hoped that maybe today, she'd kick Gary out because she was going nowhere with that guy fast, all the while wondering what song the blonde was singing in the shower and when she would leave because she stared at him last night after they had both finished and when a girl stares that means only one thing, that she needs to fucking leave now but then she falls asleep and the way her chest rises and falls reminds him of his mother when she was pass out on the couch after Jeopardy?
THAT POST WAS SO FUNNY!
Word!
And like there was that one post about how he totally swore off everything completely and went on a Broliday with his bros, but then like the Bro Bus broke down in front of this crazy run-down motel next to a strip club and there wasn't anything else for a bunch of dudes to do until AAA came with some gas - ride it 'til E bro, that shit ain't cheap these days and a bro needs his brewskis - so like they went in to check out the local talent and it turned out that Tucker got with this one chick who was the motel's owner's daughter and he watched it all go down from the back of the club, shaking silently with feelings he didn't understand at how bored she looked while he and his bros all smiled and laughed.
HILARIOUS, BRAH!
Whoa, Whoa, Brahs!
What is with all the negativity? Aren't we all here to support Tuck? Really some people jump on a band wagon and jump off it even quicker. I know there MUST be love still in your hearts.
Sooooo... I had got my check and went to see the movie at my local IMAX last night. I must have told that bitch at the counter at least 10 TIMES I wanted to see "I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell". Wanted to watch Max in IMAX. The cunt didn't know what I was talking about so I said 'DO YOU FUCKING SPEAK ENGLISH?' At which point she got the manager, a white dude thank God. Apparently the movie isn't in the theater anymore, this or any other. I had missed the fucking Tucker boat.
I was pretty crushed at this point, like ready to kick a hole in the wall or punch my dog for breathing on me, untill I realized... Fuckers, Hello? This is all part of Tuckers plan. Viral marketing. You know when you get a flu? You don't actually get sick right away, that shit incubates in your system untill WHAM you are suddenly burning up and pukeing you guts out in the middle of the night. Let me break it off for ya... The movie is coming out AFTER JC's birthday, everyone is going to be getting each other Blu-Ray players this year. By the time Tucker's movie comes out the eggs will have hatched and there will suddenly be an insane compulsion for people to buy this movie at 30 bucks a pop.
Cha-Ching, super in-sane fuck you money.
Your welcome.
my welcome? MY welcome??? What the fuck does that mean?
12:26
What does it mean? What does it mean? What are you a paki? Do you not understand English? It means go take a shower and pray to Allah because I have a patriot missle pointed right at your house.
Brahs...
I am really looking forward to 'Assholes finish first' and think I will be biding my time untill it's release cracking the books with the 48 Laws of Power by Robert Greene. It is my personal mission to imbibe and put this philosophy into action. By the time I'm done I fully expect I will be able to stare down a Gorilla. Fucking rape a lion too brah.
It is an imperical fact that assholes finish first. No one ever got anywhere except by climbing a ladder of crushed nuts.
Example: Look at what happened to me the other day... GF calls me on the phone.
"Johnny..."
"Yes Cunt?"
"I'm going to have a baby..."
"FUCK YOU"
"... "
"you fucking ABORT THE MISSION or I will do it with a swift kick, trust me"
"*click*"
"That's right".
If I fell for that empathy horse shit everyone (who finishes last) seems to love, I would be cuttin out child support checks right now or worse pickin out fucking cribs. As it is now she is too petrified to have that baby.
Read it... Imbibe it... Live it...
Your Welcome
First bunny freaks the fuckout here and now Tucker?
No way those posts weren't him.
Tucker best shit you've ever wrote. Be sincere like that with your book and I promise ill buy it.
Good luck.
1:21, you're an idiot.
1:43 Your a FUCKING idiot. FUCKER.
It's not "your," it's "you're." As in, YOU'RE FUCKING MORONS WHO NEED TO LEARN HOW TO SPELL.
1:02AM: learn to understand sarcasm, fuckwit.
3:27
Wow, Miss Kerbopple wants to teach me a grammar lesson. While your at it why don't you come over and fold my laundry and bake me some lemon tarts. But let's leave it at that, ok fag?
Great sarcasm is based on grammar... WRONG
Lesson tasted... Imbibe it...
Your Welcome.
You stupid fucking retards its your welcome. As in your welcome... you know, ENGLISH.
Its not supposed to be you ARE welcome. What the fuck? You are a welcome? WHATS A WELCOME?
Thats the wrong saying. It's proper wording is Your welcome.
...and you guys say Tucker is retarded. Buy a mirror.
It's Ms. Krabapple, you fucking shit eater.
Trolls abound....
Tucker is one of them; no doubt.
I actually don't think Tucker is full of shit.
I think he's emptier than anyone else I ever knew...
"I scanned through griffinw site. actually he doesn't sound like a horrible person. he worked hard, just for the wrong person."
This is exactly right. I can remember being just that naive and energetic in poorly chosen directions in my early 20s.
HI I AM BIFF
WAT IS WITH ALL THE SHOUTING? WHO IS SHOUTING AT PPL??? I THOT TUCKER WUZ FUNNY SUMTIMES BUT I DONT TKNOW WHY U ALL R SHOUTING AT ECH OTHER WUT IS GOIN ON???????
- BIFF!!!
Scoresman get a tatoo.
No, Mamma, no! I dont want no tattoo! Dont make me get no tattoo!
Biff is my new favorite poster.
He's so innocent and brave ..
He hasn't let the world turn him into a cynic; he's truly what all men should aspire to be.
There are three distinct parts in this story. Beginning, middle part and end.
1: Tucker Max
2: Epic fail.
3: Ha ha ha.
"I scanned through griffinw site. actually he doesn't sound like a horrible person. he worked hard, just for the wrong person."
for someone *close* to Tucker, griffin provides a fairly impartial take on tucker if you read between the lines. i'm surprised tucker hasn't forced him to shut the site down. it's far more revealing than dumbfucks have written in the past.
he does fellate the tucker max persona at times but he also gives the closest approximation of what it is like to work king douchebag.
granted, i believe griffin is in his late 20's so i don't know what the fuck he's doing signing up as a bottomfeeder slave on a tucker max tour instead of getting a real job.
1:21, those comments were all taken from a Gawker news story about Bunny's Tucker list:
http://gawker.com/5034217/what-it-is-like-to-date-tucker-max
Tucker WISHES he was smart enough to skewer himself the way these people do.
Anyone else here think Johnny is funny? If not, he'll stop.
And i'm talking not talking to you Gl-ammar Girl.
From a Year Ago:
As someone close to the people involved in production I can tell you this: They have a full court press planned to get this movie into the public’s psyche.
There is a physical playbook that Tucker actually carries around with him. Some of the strategies planned include:
1) Pre-Spring Break College Assault. They are planning a massive attack on strategic campuses across the USA. Beer filled screenings with strippers, etc. In Tucker’s words “If kids aren’t quoting my words on the beaches during spring break I will eat a bag of smashed assholes.”
2) Religious Right. We have already mapped out churches and other institutions that surely will not like the title or message of this film. Theaters are being booked in those cities and protesters WILL BE PAID to protest the film. It will be the lead story on every newscast and breaking news site like Drudge and others.
3) Major Social-Networking site will brand their site for one weekend. And have all sorts of multimedia and social apps available to create viral buzz.
4) Major Product Placement: Stone Management of Los Angeles has been retained to provide these services. When people find out what products we have integrated they will be blown away.
That’s just a taste. The film wraps in a few days. But that’s just the end of the beginning.
8/28/2008 3:10 PM
I love that you can email and call SuperDouche and tell the little bitch what you think...(323)351-7640...tuckermax@gmail.com...hours of fun and you don't have to watch one of the shittiest movies ever.
personally, I enjoy Johnny-come-lately...an amusing diversion in between Tucker's douche-tastic antics
I would LOVE to see Tucker get together with Kate Gosselin...their combined egos would destroy each other.
Y'know, every one of those 4 points actually did play out. Sorta. I mean, they had just the one guy who was confirmed to be paid for protesting, but there were other protests, and they did have Myspace, and they did the college rounds, and people keep mentioning how the book was on TEH OFFICE.
So Tucker's plan did go forward as scheduled. It just didn't make much of a splash. More like a 'plop'. A toilet sort of 'plop, plop, plop, ploppity plop *aaahhh*'.
Now, take the mental image you got while reading what I just wrote, and imagine all the sounds and smells involved if Nils was responsible.
Y'all can thank me later.
"This is exactly right. I can remember being just that naive and energetic in poorly chosen directions in my early 20s."
Only Griffin isn't in his early 20s. I saw he was 28 or 29?
"granted, i believe griffin is in his late 20's so i don't know what the fuck he's doing signing up as a bottomfeeder slave on a tucker max tour instead of getting a real job."
His writing always struck me as woefully naive. Which is why I thought he was in his early 20s, college student.
But he apparently still lives at home, late 20s, and has no real job or career trajectory.
He's embracing the TM lifestyle and rejecting the institutions...awesome.
if I were that kid who got choked out on the movie set, I'd sue everyone involved because the producers HAD TO TAKE OUT INSURANCE. And the assault took place on camera, on a workday, at work. It would be an easy case.
what is sad about griffin is that he actually tried hard not to fuck up. he doesn't understand that tugger lives to degrade people.
and i think it's sad that not even a porn star would help promote this film. i guess porn stars have limits
IT's hilarious how a porn star will promote a movie in which they are getting f'ed all which way, but wouldn't promote a "hollywood" movie they were in. That's how douchy tucker and his brood are LOOOOLLLL
The kid (Greg) who got choked out didn't know any better. He probably thought he'd subvert his career by initiating a lawsuit. What he doesn't know is that Hollywood wouldn't hold it against him if he did sue. The kid didn't stand up for himself after the incident by resigning and contacting a lawyer. In a town where you must have the balls to stand up for yourself, that doesn't bode well for Greg's reputation.
dawes looks like kd lang, but less masculine
http://bitcast-a.bitgravity.com/laughfactory/images/blog/bill_dawes_blog.jpg
"IT's hilarious how a porn star will promote a movie in which they are getting f'ed all which way, but wouldn't promote a "hollywood" movie they were in. "
Actually, Traci Lords did agree to do one interview with Tucker. Tucker demanded that the interview take place in a restaurant near his apartment so that he could have his dog near him. Tucker tied the dog to a parking meter and kept getting up during the interview to check on the dog.
Also Tucker declined to use a mic hoping to keep the interview casual. What happened was that you couldn't hear Tucker or Tracy speaking at all, you could only hear the sounds of a nearby construction crew. Ir went like this:
TUCKER: This fucking movie is so fucking awesome because KLANG BANG CRASH SCCCREEECH THUMP BOOM SCREECH THUN CRASH and shit.
TRACI: I recall you saying something about BAHMMMMM CREECK SLOSH BAM PLANG CRASH BANG BOOM
TUCKER: Totally.
So what is the current tally? 200 million or what?
How does David Mammet feel having his ass handed to him by two first timers fresh out of the gate?
OC/DC in 2010!
All the "Feminist" groups protesting Tucker were either paid off by him, or at the very least *repeatedly* tipped off about the movie and its "abusive" content. There's no other explanation; this movie had 0 buzz, 0 word-of-mouth and 0 mainstream coverage. Tucker apparently thought he could parlay this "uproar" into some sort of major news story; whoops.
If Tucker had spent half the time working on the script that he did plotting these ridiculous PR campaigns...well, the script still would've sucked shit, because Tucker and Nils are talentless, unfunny dorks, but maybe they could've worked in a "All your base are belong to us" reference or something.
I wonder how many fake, "Tucker Max Hates Women" tips were sent into Gawker by Tucker or one of his minions?
last!
^^^ How prophetic.
What's that Chinese Lassie? Tucker is trapped in the old chalk quarry with a rattlesnake!
tuckerrrrrr
TUCKERRRRRRRRRRRRR
whyd you have to turn your board off tuckerrrrrrrr
i need you tuckerrrrrrrr i need your ongoing posts of stupid
need need need
plz come back tuckerrrrrrrr
tuckdurrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
You won't have TUCKER MAX to kick around anymore!
Until Tucker Max did, I have never offically watched a person LOSE on the internet.
Kid got eaten while the entire planet watched.
Tucker Max is failing hard,
Failing hard,
Failing hard,
Tucker Max is failing hard,
My dear lady!
Hippitty hippitty hoo!
I like the part where life kicks Tucker in the nuts. That's my favorite part of the whole internet.
if I were that kid who got choked out on the movie set, I'd sue everyone involved because the producers HAD TO TAKE OUT INSURANCE. And the assault took place on camera, on a workday, at work. It would be an easy case.
10/27/2009 2:02 PM
________________________________
Do you really think insurance would cover an intentional act or are you just talking out your ass?
After the avalanche of doucheness that the movie blog, hype, and tour brought, it's sad that it's all quiet on the douche front.
No fake emails from service men, ridiculous predictions, or just delusional statements. Someone needs to give Tucker another 12 Million to make another movie that we can mock. It creates such a target rich environment.
I may have to start posting on the Arthur Kade douche blog.
http://consumerist.com/5391120/gawker-duped-by-malware-gang-serves-up-infected-suzuki-ads
You probably don't want to see your butt buddy sued. The kid should sue the producers and this pussy that assault him from behind, like a sucker punch
It doesn't matter if it's an accident or not, Darko's insurer would be liable for any torts.
Can you believe it? It's been an entire month since the IHTSBIH revolution swept into hollywood. Look at all the studio executives and writers who were fired once the comedy bar was raised. Look at haters who went back to their basement and bought IHTSBIH t-shirts. Look at the best-selling iPhone app.
Hell, tucker had to shut down his messageboard after the flood of new users following his success. Not that he has time for that, he doesn't have enough hours in the day (or dick) for all the grade-A pussy that gets thrown at him and his G4. Especially since he's busy running rudius media and just brokered 3 more blog-book deals, a tv-series, and 4 new blog movies (more on that later).
Those who can't teach, write. Those who can't write, write about themselves —-- in Tucker's case, endlessly...
Greg could sue:
1) Tucker Max: He would win this. Tucker Max had another employee choke out another employee and then posted a video of the entire incident (including him laughing at an unconscious Greg). TUcker also talked glowingly about how Greg got choked out and how he egged on the other employee. There is no way he would not win this case.
2) Darko Productions: Allowed a frat house atmosphere to occur on their watch. Complete negligence on their part to allow this atmosphere permeate a professional environment.
3) Sean McKittrick: Ran the show.
4) The douchebag who choked him out.
Mostly he would get nothing in the form of money, but had he threatened a lawsuit during the physical production there is no doubt he would have gotten a producer's credit and a bump in pay. He could have fucking gone home after that and still would have walked away with a co-producer at the very least, which, if he wanted to start his career would have been.
This is not without precedent. Don Simpson used to abuse his assistants so badly that at least one would walk away threatening law suit and be made a producer of the movie.
i made a hitler video parody about tucker finding out that IHTSBIH sucks. come check it out on youtube and comment about what a douche tucker is:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IOkzxsqqP6o
note: only negative comments about tucker will be allowed. it'll be like the reverse tucker message board.
^^ Holy crap, dude. That's fucking funny.
I come here every so often to flame you sad fuckers with random bullshit, but I'll admit I laughed throughout that whole video.
Even haters get it right sometimes.
lol @ the video @ bunny sobs uncontrollably - for unrelated reasons
Whoever made that video is a comedic genius. There's more comedy in YOUR movie than in Tugger's.
Ryan Holiday's Intern, I have put a notice about your video up at IMDB, and I've also put a new entry at tuckermaxlies.blogspot.com featuring your video. I hope you don't mind. Truly well-done, sir.
I was expecting the youtube clip to be so so at best, but that was both clever and hysterical. Gave new life to this thread. I think even Tucker might laugh at it.
Incidentally, Der Untergang (Downfall) is one of my favorite movies. Highly recommended.
bunny sobs uncontrollably, which is not really relevant to anything that has just occurred. awesome video!
that video is funny as hell
Great, great work on the video Ryan Holliday's Intern. One tip, though: add some tags so you get more YouTube search hits (e.g. Tucker Max, Downfall, Hitler, Ryan Holliday, I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell, Gawker, Tucker Max Douchebag).
Disregard the above. You're way ahead of me obviously. Sorry for ever having doubted you intern.
Someone needs to post a link to the Hitler Downfall meme on his Facebook page and the Facebook Page for IHTSBIH.
^^^
good luck with that. nobody here has the balls to directly mess with tucker.
scoresman, got a tattoo.
everyone here is scared of tucker, at least physically. he is 5'7 140 lbs of pure stone. before he was an mma fighter, he was in the special forces. 9/11, never forget.
tucker will kick your ass, write a hilarious story about it, sue you, and then fuck your girlfriend.
worst of all, he will cancel all of your rudius air frequent flyer miles. and your 2 for 1 crossbow tickets? DENIED, PUSSY!
-ryan holiday's intern
it appears that ryan holiday's cigarette on his website is photoshopped in between his fingers. nice touch, douche
wwcd? (what would cicero do?)
"he is 5'7 140 lbs of pure stone"
On his book tour he admited to weighing 200 lbs. And since he's 5'9 that makes him actually obese.
That Youtube clip was SO FUNNY, so AWSEOMELY HYSTERICAL, it's going to revolutionize youtube clip making! DOUCEBAG PRODUCTIONS will be the name of the company and we are going to reovlutionize youtube comedy! Youtube wont know what hit them. They'll have to put up another dedicated site just for DUCEBAG PRODUCTIONS clips. Private jet, here we come!
... nah, it really wasn't
I AM AWESOME-O
I AM JAPANESE ROBOT MAKING YOUTUBE CLIPS
I AM FUNNY HAHA
That's awesome on so many levels. i wonder when gawker is going to link it?
If Tucker is 5'9" (which might be a generous estimate) then he probably weighed about 150 lbs. on the tour, tops. He does not look "athletic" or remotely muscular. He has no shoulder muscles, no chest, and no lower body development.
It wouldn't be a big deal if it wasn't for his constant bullshit about being 6' and 200 lbs.
A Catholic priest and a Jewish rabbi are walking along when they see a young boy on the other side of the street.
The priest turns to the rabbi and say, "Hey! Let's screw that kid!"
The rabbi looks at the priest and asks, "Out of what?"
(Sorry, I just heard that joke, and couldn't stop laughing. For what it's worth, I'm Jewish, so I'm allowed to tell Jew jokes. No offense indended.)
I'm not Jewish, and I'm allowed to tell Jew jokes too.
^^^ Dude, I've heard that joke in Russian before. In the Russian version, the Rabbi says "How can we screw him when he doesn't have any money?" I'm pretty surprised to see it in English, and here of all places... where did you hear it?
^^^ My buddies are always teasing me for being Jewish, and I heard it from one of them. I like the alternate punchline, but I think my versions' a little funnier. It's more punchy, and doesn't fill in the blanks, so the listener has to 'get it'.
Good times.
I'm not Smurfish, but I tell a smurfing good Smurf joke, if I do smurf so myself.
"If Tucker is 5'9" (which might be a generous estimate) then he probably weighed about 150 lbs. on the tour, tops. He does not look "athletic" or remotely muscular. He has no shoulder muscles, no chest, and no lower body development.
It wouldn't be a big deal if it wasn't for his constant bullshit about being 6' and 200 lbs."
This is from the Book. In 2006, he recorded his pre-book tour weight 189, and post 198.
I don't think he's lost any of that weight. So 5'9ish, 200 lbs, and obese.
He's not obese. You can see that clearly enough in the photos.
Calculating based on numbers he gives is unreliable due to the assumption that he's telling the truth.
My favorite part of the video was "I can't even get 15000 people to see the movie!"
Seriously though, I haven't even watched the trailer for IHTSBIH, I liked the stories when I thought they were for the most part real, however they don't translate into any kind of movie I would want to see. At all.
http://assholesfinishfirst.tuckermax.com/
Coming Fall 2008!
FAIL
Tucker is sooo clever: his phone # is his "criminal" ID on the AFF web page.
Hmm, where else did that # magically appear? Maybe an Easter Egg hunt? What a clever rabbit.
I MADE THIS
Oh My Tuckerrrrrr
Oh what'd you tucker for me
Away in the land of Tuckerville
A-tuckerin' to the sea
Well I tuckered off to Tuckerland
A-tuckerin' for to be
When I found myself a Tucker-band
Oh what a fan is me!
Oh My Tuckerrrrrr
Oh what'd you tucker for me
Away in the land of Tuckerville
A-tuckerin' to the sea
I pooped so hard the day I left
No poop was left in me
Arriving at the Tucker-place
I found I had to pee
Oh My Tuckerrrrrr
Oh what'd you tucker for me
Away in the land of Tuckerville
A-tuckerin' to the sea
No honky said to Tucker-man
"Your eyes we want to see"
No nigga said "Tell me the plan
Or else I cut you free!"
Oh My Tuckerrrrrr
Oh what'd you tucker for me
Away in the land of Tuckerville
A-tuckerin' to the sea
The bees they buzz about the bowl
But it smells not like tea
Ol' Tucker-guy, he tells a lie
And follows up with three!
Oh My Tuckerrrrrr
Oh what'd you tucker for me
Away in the land of Tuckerville
A-tuckerin' to the sea
Now Tucker he goes out to drink
Something that starts with B,
But always seems to find himself
Knee deep in fat chick C!
Oh My Tuckerrrrrr
Oh what'd you tucker for me
Away in the land of Tuckerville
A-tuckerin' to the sea
Our Tucker he is westward ho,
a-seekin' a new she,
But not a ho in Westwardland
sees him with any glee
Oh My Tuckerrrrrr
Oh what'd you tucker for me
Away in the land of Tuckerville
A-tuckerin' to the sea
Does Tugger really claim that he weighs 200 lbs? I don't buy it for one second. I'm probably about his height and I can tell you that 200 lbs on my frame would be a lot of weights. I don't think Tugger looks all that fat, but there's no way he weighs 200lbs unless he's one of those guys who accumulates the vast majority of his body fat right in his mid-section, while hardly any fat accumulates around his face.
Tugger's movie raked in $1398 on Wednesday according to boxofficemojo.com. That's a mere $39/screen. At this rate, Tugger's movie will breach the $200 million barrier in the year 2407.
griffin put up a new post about the athens show..haven't read it yet.
Oh and I'm not griffin but I was the first one to post here about his blog. promise
www.griffinwrites.com/athens-the-show/
TUCKER SAYS NO FLIPFLOPS
“Dude,” he said, “you need to wear some proper shoes. Flip-flops are fine for relaxing on the beach but you don’t want to be wearing them when you’re running around and lifting stuff. You might be fine 30 out of the 31 stops, but it’s that one time where something goes wrong and you break a toe or whatever. Plus you’ll be able to move faster.”
“Cool, makes total sense,” I nodded.
Fucking Jr. Douchebag cunt. Yessir, I change my shoes right away sir. Just don't shoot me with a crossbow.
As a prank one day, Tucker ran over Kung Fu Mike's foot with his Rudius Airlines 747. it was hilarious.
Debate: Who's the bigger douche KFM or Griffin?
KFM is certainly the bigger faggot, since he got beat up by cloud starchaser.
Another lie exposed...6' foot my ass.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/rudiusmedia/3184121584/in/set-72157605834204363/
Tucker has a way of completely abandoning people at the drop of a hat. mrjake (remember him?), KungFuMike...what's the over/under on Ryan "The World's Smartest College Drop-Out/Corporate Functionary" Holliday?
good find. looks like he's about 5'8 based on the cushion the douchebag is standing on. maybe he really was 6'0 back when he was named nick sadler and was in the special forces.
nick sadler is 6'0 and in the special forces
did anyone that went on that shit-show tour of tuckers even get paid for it? i read that blog just now by that douchebag griffin and he said they actually got per diem.
I'm guessing it was $4/day to go hog wild on the dollar menu at mcdonalds.
Knowing that the real "SlingBlade" is now an FBI agent, I am shocked that he even went to the movie shoot as Tucker claims. Another 6'0" lie of Tugger's?
The tour would have been financed through Darko as part of the advertisement budget. Since Darko would be subject to entertainment industry standards, that crew likely got paid well.
I'd guess $5000 was the lowest anyone was paid.
To which Tucker replies:
"That post is an awesome lesson in poor argumentation and internet sophistry. You repeatedly contradict yourself, offer no facts and instead make ridiculous assertions that have nothing to do with the issues at hand:
Did the manager tell me the signing was over?
Yes. I know that because the motherfucker said it to my face.
Did employees from that store talk shit about me after I left, and did they tell people that I bolted on my fans?
Yes they did. How do I know this? Because I have gotten dozens of emails from people saying exactly that.
And you can't reach any audience at all--EXCEPT through this site. It must suck to be so completely powerless at life. Maybe if you focused on doing something worthwhile, instead of being a dipshit, you'd be somewhere in your life. As it stands, right now, you are a liar and a fraud. Go back to your basement, no one cares about your bullshit here anymore."
^^^ Wow. Classic Tucker Max right there.
Let's see...
"I have gotten dozens of emails from people saying exactly that."
Sure you did, Tucker.
"Maybe if you focused on doing something worthwhile, instead of being a dipshit, you'd be somewhere in your life. As it stands, right now, you are a liar and a fraud."
Douchebag, heal thyself.
Actually, I'm kind of surprised that nobody has previously dug this out of the bowels of the internet. This is truly Tucker at his pre-Tucker Max Fail finest.
Kudos, Anonymous. Good find.
It must suck to be so completely powerless at life. Maybe if you focused on doing something worthwhile, instead of being a dipshit, you'd be somewhere in your life. As it stands, right now, you are a liar and a fraud. Go back to your basement, no one cares about your bullshit here anymore.
-tucker max, just free stylin' some delicious poetry
tucker-hitler video for those who missed it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IOkzxsqqP6o
in youtube stats, i see there are 3 hits from theidiotboard.com. i suppose that means someone linked it and it was immediately taken down. nice!
"Does Tugger really claim that he weighs 200 lbs?"
At the end of his book he talks about the book tour. He gives his weight pretty specifically.
He accumulates weight in a beer gut. You can also see that in a picture in the book when he's in Texas. Why do you think he always wears really baggy T-shirts, and baggy Gym shorts? Tucker also has jowels, or have we not been paying attention?
Do we really have to get out the Youtube video?
Every single day this guy is wearing some giant baggy shirt.
When my people arrive with our battleship we will overturn your puny precedent, and file numerous claims against you in Ontario! Long live the mighty race of Vexaticons, who are definitely not just actors with rubber prosthetics on their foreheads.
Rudius Media has been mothballed. Mwahahahaha.
^^ No it hasn't, I get to it fine
When in danger,
or in doubt,
run in circles,
scream and shout.
SPACE
VIKING
Jamie Kennedy apparently finally wised up and got off of the Rudius fail boat.
rudius media is an empire, basically as powerful as a galactic or universal federation. tucker's space program was just a stepping stone for something bigger: date rape drug research.
that's right, tucker is parlaying all his funds and technology into inventing the ultimate date rape drug.
he is amazing
Clicking the "Advertise with Rudius" link now takes you to an independent site as well.
Yessirreebobbikins
This is from an Administrator from the biggest Army Special Forces forum.
08-19-2008, 18:10 #31
Team Sergeant
Quiet Professional
I've got individuals sending me emails telling me it's definitely NOT a Special Forces soldier writing the nick sadler "stories".
We already knew that.
While you might bullshit the girl at the bar, it ain't going to work on us.
And
11-19-2008, 12:31
Team Sergeant
Quiet Professional
Nick Sadler via Tucker Max
It seems tucker max is well aware of this website and this thread.
tucker max will not answer my email concerning Nick Sadler, but some of his "fans" have asked tucker to answer questions about Nick Sadler and tucker will not answer.
tucker you are pathetic.
Nick Sadler (a Special Forces soldier) is pure bullshit.
This thread is closed.
i think we are underestimating two things
1. how fat bunny is. look at a recent pic. this is not a petite woman
2. the hilarity of the nick sadler debacle.
2a. tucker getting kicked out of basic training and then writing on the internet that he's special forces
Old news
Where's a recent pic of bunny?
Yep, I was right. The new Idiot Board sucks shit. Get the 30-40 least interesting people on their own message board and watch it go from boring to epically boring in less than 2 weeks.
Overly moderated without much creativity in their picking of posts.
Frankly, Freak Safari has been better than Tucker's board since it's inception. It took most all of the best posters from Tucker's board back in 06, and most of them never left. TiB is like the retarded younger cousin of FS.
Yeah TiB is a sad piece of shit. First of all Freak Safari was the number one reason for Tucker's downfall. We're not releasing details yet, but when AFF comes out we'll do a detailed explanation of how we accomplished it.
Second the mods they chose at TiB are fucking losers. What happens when you take the biggest dorks and put them in charge? Failure.
It'll only be a matter of time before TiB is knocking on Freak Safari's door asking if they can merge with us. And, of course, we'll say know.
You missed the boat in 2006 you fucking shitheads.
www.shirtgenius.com
Hey, Tards on FS - no "board" brought Tucker down. His own ego and shitty movie did that. You have 60 posters in your circle jerk, go back there. This is about the awesomness of Tucker FAIL.
i wtach good hentai anime WINGS OF LOVE DROID PRINCESS EXCITING
ok
Fuck you FS is not tards. Come and try to hang. We'll destroy you in three posts. Fucking faggot queer. Go back to TiB. Fucking homo.
wings of love droid princess exciting is a p. good show
except that it makes me feel funny in the pants
I ran into Tucker Max when I lived in Manhattan. Tucker used to hang out at Live Bait which is a bit of a dive and many years past its prime as a pickup bar. It's decent for a cheap beer (by Manhattan standards) but if you're an ubersuccess and pickup artist like Tucker, you wonder why he wasn't hanging out at Zip City (wall-to-wall good looking women and easy walking distance from Live Bait.
Anyway, in real life he is pudgy though the more recent pics reveal that he lost some of the beer fat. He's around 5'8", which is cool because I'm exactly 5'9" and he definitely was a shade shorter than me. In terms of weight, I was back then around 170 lbs., and he might have been 10 lbs. less than me, even though he was getting a premature "middle-age" gut.
This is IamRob from Freak Safari, and I can assure you that my message board was and always has been 1000x worse than Tucker's board, and that nobody should ever sign up on it ever. Ever. I mean, how can it be good if I like black people?
I do encourage you, however, to buy as many shirts as possible from www.shirtgenius.com, which is probably the smartest thing the person a few posts above said.
I just realized Griffin responds to all the comments people leave. His comment responses are more interesting than his lame posts. Apparently he was paid "well" for the tour.
"Well" must mean sucking Tucker's dick and tonguing Nils' butthole.
This is Tucker. I can assure you that unlike what Rob wrote, FreakSafari is far better than the Rudius messageboard. It has one huge advantage over the rudius board, in that it's actually still online.
Rob here again.
Tucker:
Your little hands type big lies!
Tucker again.
Rob, I'll write more about this later. Do NOT email about this.
Griffin: “Sure,” I walked over to get it while Tucker ranted furiously about the beer much to Jeff’s amusement.
Who the FUCK decided this guy was qualified to be an editor???
That's just one of many horrible lines from his joke of a blog.
PS I think I've been too hard on Charlie Hoehn.
Where's a recent pic of Bunny?
--former Trixie fan
This one time, I picked up this chick at a bar. I'd had 12 shots of absinthe and I was WASTED. I know I'm probably the only person past the age of 17 who thinks anybody gives a rat's ass how much he can drink, but I assure you, I was tanked.
So I piece together the true story from the indecipherable fragments on my voice recorder, along with the eyewitness accounts of my idiot sycophant friends who are just as drunk as I am. I realize this paragraph doesn't make shit for sense, because I can't maintain consistent tense agreement, but fuck you. My book was a NEW YORK TIMES BESTSELLER.
Anyway, so I picked up this girl and I fucked her, probably in the butt. She had giant jugs, and she had a hot friend with her. Also, I fucked the hot friend, too. Yeah, that's the ticket. I fucked this chick and her hot friend, both of them in the butt. And my buddy Drunkasaurus Rex came into the room, and was like, "TUCKER!"
And I said "What?
...
...
...
What do you want, dude? I'm totally banging these two vapid whore slut vapid vapid whores!"
So D-Rex says, "You totally have to come downstairs to the Midget Convention. There's an opportunity to shit out a mostly fictional story and wrongly assume that just putting a midget in it is enough to make it funny or interesting!"
So I was like, "Dude.
...
...
...
...
...
I'm there."
So I leave the five drunk vapid whore sluts whore vapid whores in the bedroom, because I don't hang with chicks after I fuck them. And I went downstairs and see this totally BANGING midget who passed out on the sofa from drinking 46 beers or something. And I fucked the midget. Over the side of the couch, spinning her around, on the ceiling, underwater... no matter how implausible it was, I banged the shit out of her.
So I'm leaving, and I decide to drive her car, and then I drove her car into a building. Somehow nobody knows anything about it besides me.
Vanguard!
I also was out at this bitchin' bar the other night. Too many fuckin' guidos orderin' jagerbombs and shit, so I immediately stumble into a crowd of like 10 hot chicks and start workin' my mack on 'em. I buy them 3 drinks total and they all get fuckin' wasted, and i'm on like beer 38 in like... 5 minutes n shit. So I'm bangin' these girls really hard... wait, what? Cohesion? fuck's that bro? anyway, I'm fuckin hos and cummin like 9 million times all over their bodies and out of the 10 of 'em, 13 are now carryin' my fuckin illegitimate kids. BROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSKI!
tucker is seriously the biggest douchebag in the history of the internet
12:38 & 12:51: congrats--that is funnier than anything Tucker has ever written.
TiB is just that, it's the members of TMMB who came in when the board was WELL past it's prime. Even those who were around for the good old days were usually the idiots of Tucker's board who got made fun of by those who eventually left for Freak Safari.
Freak Safari is infinitely more funny and has a tight knit group of people who like to laugh at each others jokes. TiF are a bunch of insecure idiots who have no direction now that Tucker has failed. FS members were 3 years ahead of the curve.
Tucker's board began to fall apart when most of the funnier posters on TMMB left to form FS.
There might be "60 posters" on the entire board of FS, but they were funnier then the 15000 unique viewers on TMMB and FAR more funnier than anybody on TiB. Oh, and the really funny part is, those 60 posters are 60 more than the RMMB has right now.
WIN: Freak Safari
"I just realized Griffin responds to all the comments people leave. His comment responses are more interesting than his lame posts. Apparently he was paid "well" for the tour.
"Well" must mean sucking Tucker's dick and tonguing Nils' butthole."
He deleted my post in which I linked "The Quotable Tucker Max" and posted one of my favorite quotes.
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