The story below was copied from a
Facebook.com account. A link to this story in the comments to an older post awhile ago.
Tucker Max's face, meet Megan ******'s hand
Megan was discussing ball shaving with a nice man at a tailgate. Good start to this story;) NE ways, Tucker Max was also at the tailgate and started talking shit to Megan (he obviously thought she was a hot girl who would sleep w/ him if acted like an asshole, and he was showing off in front of his buddies). Megan hit him on the arm, and he said that meant Megan wanted to fuck him because if she hit him in the face, then he'd know she was mad. She then dissed his elastic waistband (yes, he was wearing elastic waistband shorts, what is he, 12?), and he said "its so stupid bitch whores like you can suck my dick without any confusion." So she slapped him in the face!!!
Tucker threw his drink at her, Candice threw her drink at Tucker with lightning fast reflexes, then he proceeded to grab Megan by her hair and hit her in the face with his pathetically small hands. With a bruised face, and a bruised ego, he took his shriveled penis back to his buddies.
In Tucker Max's own words, "My name is Tucker Max, and I am an asshole." Oh, and he hits girls.
15,918 comments:
«Oldest ‹Older 10601 – 10800 of 15918 Newer› Newest»^^^ Are you one of Tucker's fan boys, or are you Tucker himself? Tucker's full of shit. Nobody would care if he simply admitted that his stories were largely embellished. But no, his ego is so huge that he continues to maintain that his stories are essentially 100% factual.
Also, the way he controls his Wikipedia entry is disgraceful. Any statements about his Opie & Anthony interview or about the complete lack of evidence to corroborate his stories are deleted immediately as being either irrelevant or coming from "unreliable" non-newsworthy sources. However, most of the subject matter of his Wikipedia entry is sourced from his own website, which also doesn't meet the Wikipedia standards for reliability.
i totally agree with you and this blog!
i just realized that you thought i was being satirical above.
but i am dead serious!
the nyt and the major media really has given tucker a free pass, up until today!
amazon deleted all the honest reviews, and corporations wired him millions!
finally it is all coming to an end.
you called it first in 2006.
i'm serious when i write that the nyt reporter has no business working as a reporter, but only a sycophantic fanboy.
kudos to you for setting up this blog!
"yes cockly mcbeefwell,
this blog is the true story.
it is unprecedented.
the little nyt fanboy reporter should be fired, as he forgot to mention it. i am emailing this and the la times article to his boss.
i bet he is out of work by monday."
McBeefswell,
I just want to say thank you for your blog. As much as I respect Light and BarryBater for the fine work they've done over the last year I keep all of my posts to this blog as I appreciate having a somewhat open forum where I can write whatever. I could care less about the trollers or whatever because they are insignificant.
Again, Thanks.
-TDG
^^^ Ditto what TDG wrote. Cockly, I hope you don't think we were ever trying to steal your thunder- as for my most recent post, I set that up so that if the trollers ever get excessive and make this blog unreadable, we'll have another place to go. Your blog will always be the 'home base', and the standard of excellence.
TDG, it seems someone (or several someones) have copied many of the entries on THIS blog and reproduced them over at ours. I've pulled a couple of your posts from here and re-posted them there. I hope you don't mind that; I'm just trying to spread the wealth, since your entries are pretty much the cream of the crop. Let me know if you'd prefer I not do that.
^That's me, by the way. I always forget to sign in.
^^^^^^^^^^^
Hey man,
No problem. I'd post there, but I'm afraid that this place would completely die out, which is why I only post here. I do read your blog regularly.
Keep up the good work,
-TDG
Thanks for the support. This blog has reached a critical mass and has good placement in the Internet search engine rankings even though I haven't added a new post in 2 1/2 years. The comments section to this once post resemble a website guestbook. Keep it up with the ant-Tucker websites. The more there are, the better.
Barry, this one is front page material for your blog if you want:
“Everything I Learned About Writing I Learned From Tucker Max”
by Brandon Mendalson
In This Episode: I take apart a Huffington Post comedian who is neither funny nor a good writer.
“If you read the about page, you know I describe myself as “Catholic Tucker Max”.
That’s cool, because I describe Tucker Max as a “douchebag”, so can I describe you as “The Catholic Douchebag with the Jewish Name Who Follows Bigger Douchebags Because You Lack Any Identity”?
It would be more appropriate and far more honest.
“That doesn’t mean or suggest I think Tucker Max should change.”
I know, where would I get my material if he did change into something resembling a human being.
“He’s an excellent writer, I love his stories,”
Brandon masturbates to them regularly, and sometimes in his dreams, he gets to shit on Tucker’s dick.
“and as far as successful blog role models go, regardless of what you think of his content,”
I think his content is one repetitive lie told in a few different ways who appeals to a lot of guys who could never get a piece of ass without reinventing themselves in his image, like in your case as “The Catholic Tucker Max” .
“he has to top everyone’s list.”
Yeah Brandon, Tucker Max is the Number One Douchebag in America right now, and that’s saying a lot.
I mean, I went to Borders today, but I couldn't get in because the entire FRATIRE section was so heavy with content that it crashed through the floor and killed a couple of fat girls and minorities. That's how fucking influential he is!!!!
“I recently had the chance to interview Tucker by email. It took a few hours to think of questions I haven’t seen him answer,”
How about “how come most of your ‘100% true stories’ never seem to check out?’ or “What happened between you and AnnMarie Sliva the night she passed out at a U of C party and you claimed to have sex with her the very next day?” or etc etc etc.
“and avoid falling into the trap where he might call me a retard if he doesn’t like the question.”
Brandon, I’m going to be honest with you, you’re a failure as a writer and this above statement is exactly the reason why.
You’re a fucking kiss-ass turd who is writing a shill piece for an even bigger turd. How the fuck you ever got your own blog on Ariana Huffington’s blog is beyond me, but you fucking suck as a writer and you have no spine.
“This is the best I came up with, and he delivers with some of the best writing advice I’ve come across.
Read it. Memorize it. Go see his new movie.”
Seriously, I need to go to the gym right now and hit something. What the fuck is this? Another informercial for a shitty film written by a Tucker Max fan who has already told us that he’s going to ask a lot of softball questions because he’s scared of upsetting the interviewee?
Fuck you Brandon, seriously.
Part II:
“The Tucker Max Interview
1) Do you always have a recording device or some other method (notepad, camera, ETC.) of keeping track of what happens to you?”
Brandon, you’re a dick and Tucker should call you a retard because PEOPLE HAVE ALREADY ASKED HIM THIS QUESTION OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND HE GETS REALLY DEFENSIVE AND STOPS THE INTERVIEW BECAUSE HE KNOWS HIS STORIES ARE MOSTLY BULLSHIT ANYHOW.
Are you fucking retarded? Oh wait…
“Tucker: I always have my iPhone with me, which I can use to take voice notes, but it’s not like I leave it on all the time.”
It’s not like he needs to ever really take voice notes anyhow since HE DIDN’T HAVE AN iPHONE WHEN HE WROTE HIS BOOK BECAUSE IT WASN’T INVENTED YET.
“That would be creepy and who wants to sort through 8 hours of bar noise? For the most part, I just remember things.”
Or just make them up.
“2) When introducing Slingblade, you mentioned he clarified what he said about his GI Joe collection. Do you run your stories by friends that were involved to verify events, facts, and statements?”
“Tucker: If I think I am forgetting something, or if I want something clarified yes.”
Or again, since most of his stories are bullshit anyhow, why clarify anything. Do you think an FBI agent like Slingblade is going to want to come out of hiding and say “yes, I’m the racist mysoginist from Tucker Max’s stories, and Your Honor that doesn’t have anything to do with the case I’m involved with against Mexicans in Arizona.”
This gives Tucker carte blanche to say anything about any of his friends because they never will want to be truly discovered in their real life as being part of Tucker’s fictional world.
“Dude, I am not writing the Warren Commission Report,”
Dude, the Warren Commission’s “Magic Bullet” theory is more plausible than 75% of your stories.
“I am writing humorous short stories; only fucking losers pour over the meaningless forensic details of their lives.”
Yeah, those guys who tell the truth about what really happened to them are fucking LOSERS. Take it from Tucker Max and James Frey on that one.
“Tucker: PJ O'Rourke said that humor is truthful more than it is factual, and he’s right. The basic facts are always easy to remember, and unless you are writing a police report, they’re all that matter.”
No dude, it does matter when you claim your stories are “100% fact” and you are not “a liar”. Then it really matters because if anything does come up less than 100% it calls into question a great many of your outrageous claims.
Speaking of police reports, ever have any luck finding that one about a car that crashed into a donut shop in a Subway sandwich shop or whatever?
No? Didn’t think so, you fucking hack liar.
“3) When you put your stories together, do you use an outline and plot everything out or do you focus on writing and then cutting when you’re finished?”
Brandon, did you suck Ariana Huffington’s dick to get this job? Because you’re asking questions that most juniors in HS would ask their fucking English teacher.
You’re also asking a fucking hack writer to tell you his writing technique. Are you that fucking stupid?
“I may start with an outline of sorts, but it’s mainly just a list of the high points in terms of action or the funniest specific lines I can remember from the night.”
Or the high points that he has to make up to make up for his mundane and unhappy existence.
“Then I write a ton of shit, let it sit for a while, and then ruthlessly cut it down until I just can’t bear to cut anymore.”
Speaking of cutting, how’s TheBunny doing these days?
“Most of my success I feel comes from being a good editor, as opposed to a great writer.”
Yes, your genius of editing has made superstars of KungFuMike, TheBunny, That meth head guy and the military guy you made up.
Part III:
“4) Is there anything you want to add for writers who have read “A Brief Introduction to Writing” since you published that post?”
How about “none of the people who’ve read that article have had any success of any sort as a writer, except maybe Nils but he’s really riding Tucker’s coat tails for years.
“Oh dude, I could add so much to that. I wrote that like five years ago. I really should go back and change and update that. But the basic point is the same: Be brief, get to the point, be entertaining (or informative, depending on the point of the writing), and then get out.”
Tucker, care to explain why nobody in the literary world takes you serious? Because you basically just cut and pasted that from ANY FUCKING WRITER WHO GIVES ANY ADVICE ON THEIR CRAFT. Hunter Thompson said almost exactly the same thing.
A liar and a plagerist. Wonderful.
“5) How has reader feedback helped shape your stories?”
I’m sure that Tucker is going to say how awesome his fans are, and how they give him great ideas (since he’s always asking them their opinion and shit). Tucker is nothing if not gregarious.
“Tucker: General reader feedback is usually pretty worthless. 99% of people give feedback that is irrelevant, stupid, or just flat out wrong.”
Tucker just described how he feels about his fans: pretty worthless, irrelevant, stupid and flat out wrong.
I’ve known it for years, but I’m glad he’s fessing up to it.
“Tucker: But that 1% of people who give good feedback are invaluable.”
Yeah, look at how they helped you with your totally awesome script!!
“Tucker: In my world, friends like Bunny, Nils Parker, David Zuckerman, and all my law school friends, have helped shape and hone my voice and skill. They’ve been crucial, no doubt.”
Yeah, they’re crucial because they DON”T CALL YOU OUT ON YOUR BULLSHIT. They certainly haven’t made you a better writer.
By the way, if David Zuckerman is really a "friend", why didn't you verify whether or not he said you had a potential Oscar nomination on your hands?
“6) You had a hit before social media took off, do you think it’s easier today for a new writer to breakout?
Tucker: Yes! Much easier.”
As easy as getting your own free blog, writing down some bullshit stories where you reinvent yourself in your stories and make up shit that nobody can verify. Then it’s a cake walk.
“Tucker: There is ALWAYS more demand for great content then there will be great content to satisfy it. I always laugh when aspiring writers ask me how to make it or get discovered. Are you kidding? That is not the EASY part. The hardest part now is just making something that can interest people. “
I always laugh when hack writers give shitty writers advice, then write about it in public and laugh even more when none of these shitty writers end up making it because they are following the advice of somebody who sort of just lucked into his craft. That shit interests the fuck out of me.
“And of course, most aspiring writers hate to hear this because they think their stuff is great and can’t understand why no one wants to read it. Probably because it isn’t…”
So… does that mean that besides the less than 500K people who have read your book don’t think your stuff is great? Cuz that's an awful lot of people.
Cuz... Oh snap!!
Part IV:
“7) What writers are you following now that you think we should check out?
“Tucker: Do I even need to mention the stalwarts of the web, people like Mark Cuban, Seth Godin, Tyler Cowen, Paul Graham, Hugh McLeod, Bob Lefsetz, Tim Ferriss, etc that we all follow?”
Yeah, Mark Cuban has the best selling novel about… wait, Mark Cuban?
Mark Cuban, the same guy who has a new age film distribution company, who also said “fuck no” to your shitty film? That fucking guy?
“Tucker: Aside from them, of the ones I really like, none of them are really entertainment writers, but the people I read most are Umair Haque, Seth Roberts, John Robb, Ryan Holiday, Charlie Hoehn, John Hagel, and The Last Psychiatrist.”
Ryan… Holiday…? Chuc Hoehn?
I’m sorry, the sound you just heard was me on my couch in Chicago, laughing until my dick fell off.
Tucker, he was talking about how to become a SUCCESS, and you list a couple of shitty writers on your payroll (or internship payroll). Jesus you fucking suck, I’m glad you’re failing.
“8) Last question: Did you ever hear from Miss Vermont after the lawsuit?
Tucker: Of course not. What’s she going to say, “Thanks for exposing me to the world for the person I am?””
Actually, I’d like to thank you Tucker, for exposing yourself to the world for the piece of shit that you are.
“If you read the about page, you know I describe myself as “Catholic Tucker Max”.
That’s cool, because I describe Tucker Max as a “douchebag”, so can I describe you as “The Catholic Douchebag with the Jewish Name Who Follows Bigger Douchebags Because You Lack Any Identity”?
It would be more appropriate and far more honest.
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
TDG,
This was a cornicopia of awesomeness. Gracias dude.
Part V:
"Bonus Story: Brandon Meets Tucker Max"
And finally gets to shit on his dick. YAY!!!
"I was pumped. Why?"
Because you were getting pumped by TUcker Max?
"Thanks to Ian at Rudius media, I was getting to meet one of my heroes, Tucker Max. I wouldn’t know how to put my stories together if it wasn’t for his website."
Brandon Mendelson: FAIL
"I convinced Amanda to come with me for the NYC movie premier of “I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell”, but I had to warn her that Tucker, or Blonde Dude (the guy in the Youtube videos), might say something she doesn’t like, ask her to do something ridiculous, insult her, or all of the above."
Wow, that's a great selling point. Go somewhere so some alcoholic can do a low rent Don Rickles imitation at her expense. Where do I sign up!?!
Amanda obviously went along with him because he has absolutely no self worth which is why she's fucking Brandon Whateverbaum
"We were cut off in traffic once in Saratoga, and as this dick yuppie went by, cell phone in one hand, Live Strong bracelet wrapped around the other, he screamed at Amanda while pointing to his head.
We couldn’t hear what he was saying but he was pissed. I laughed. I thought the guy was explaining he drives like a drunk blind man because his brain is tiny, but Amanda started to cry."
Hahahahahahaha. That's a really fucking boring story told by an equally boring story teller. Man Brandon, you're really learning a fucking lot from Tucker Max.
"Can you blame me for being nervous about her meeting Tucker Max?"
Yeah, I'd be nervous around most males if I were you Brandon. You're kind of a dork and I'm sure Amanda will be able to smell a bigger better deal from a mile away. Then again, she has no self worth so perhaps you're safe.
"While waiting for the press to be let in to the theater, Tucker got off the bus to meet a Doppelganger. I only saw him for a second before he vanished into a throng of acolytes that snaked around the corner. I was disappointed, but also slightly relieved."
Brandon relieved himself in the bathroom after meeting his hero. Amanda got popcorn.
"Before the film, we were seated next to two reporters. One of them was with a woman and was trying to impress her by saying, “I don’t like Tucker’s stories”."
You mean she talked to just about ANYBODY? Wow.
"The other reporter was uptight and clearly getting ready to rip Tucker several assholes regardless of whether he liked the film."
So basically, he was like 99.99999% of the human race.
"The second reporter bolted as soon as the movie finished with a look of terror and disgust plastered on his face."
So far this tour doesn't look so good when the media whom you invite to view your art for free while giving them the Tucker Max VIP treatment doesn't like your work to the point of disgust.
"The kind your mother makes when she gets you from kindergarten because you’re covered in shit and interrupted her drinking. I know that look."
That's great Brandon, I'm sure your mother appreciates you tipping your minute readership that she has a drinking problem. Fuck, if you came out of my body I'd drink to excess as well.
Part VI:
"Blonde Dude and Nils Parker (drunkasaurusrex) were on stage killing time by ripping on the crowd. "
They farted on the crowd? I'd probably think that was funnier than the lameass half baked insults they threw at people at the show in Chicago.
"To avoid drawing attention our way, we didn’t raise our hand for anything and politely laughed and clapped at the jokes."
Brandon, you sir are a fucking pussy on top of being a douchebag who follows bigger douchebags.
"I like Nils, I’m a fan of his blog,"
Wow dude, you're one of the 7 people who read that piece of shit?
"but Nils doesn’t like the Yankees, so I wanted to give him shit for it because his A’s are having one of their worst seasons in ten years (as per the LA Times)."
How about give him shit that he wrote an awful script? Or that he's a shitty writer in general. Or give him shit because he's fat and looks like Herman Munster? Or that his wife is fugly, or better yet, he MET HER ON A MESSAGE BOARD. Or... or... Yeah, baseball is the least of the things you can give Nils Parker shit for.
You're a shitty writer Brandon. THe only thing worse than your writing is your sense of observation.
"The film was awesome,"
And that is the extent of Brandon Whateverhisname's review of Tucker's film. It's simply "awesome". It doesn't say anything about why he came to this conclusion. Why bother when you can just talk about giving Nils Parker shit about baseball, especially WHEN YOU'RE TELLING PEOPLE TO COME SEE THE MOVIE?
"by the way, and most of the crowd stayed to meet Tucker, Nils, and Keri Lynn Pratt, who joined them for the Q & A and signing session."
I'm assuming she was there because she got off early at Applebee's.
"I think she was only asked two questions the entire time."
One of them was "how many appetizers can we get for 10 dollars?"
"People mostly asked Tucker the same questions he answers over and over, so it was a little disappointing."
Yeah, I'm figuring it was equally disappointing for anybody who NEVER HEARD OF TUCKER MAX.
Think about it for a moment. You're friend is a fan of some obscure writer who has a movie being made. You get dragged to the movie, and since you could care less about the subect matter you see it for what it actually is, a piece of shit. But on top of that, there's a Q&A session where the writer, whom you just paid 10 bucks to the piece of shit movie that they shat upon the world then makes fun of the audience.
Disappointment would be the least things I'd be feeling.
"There was a pretty serious moment where Tucker was answering a question about what his Mom thought"
Who cares, she's a fat chick with a drinking problem and bad parenting skills. She ranks pretty low on what Tucker Max cares about.
"and he said something like, “I love my Mom. But, I’m going to do what makes me happy because it’s my life and not hers."
That's funny, when I asked Tucker's mom (who is a trailer salesperson in Kentucky, I'm not joking) what she thought of Tucker, she said "Burp, get me some more pork rinds and I'll suck your dick."
"So, I’m not trying to please my parents.”"
I'm pretty sure you're doing a bang up job on that front Tucker Max.
"The crowd went silent. I wanted to stand up and go, “Hell yeah!” but who wants to be that guy?"
Dude, don't lie, you already are "that guy". The dorky guy who has no personality who latched onto a douchebag who lies about doing stuff you could never even dream about let alone write intriguing stories on the subject.
Part VII:
"We got into a growing line and waited almost an hour to get through to meet them."
Sigh, the world is full of douchebags.
"When we were called up to Tucker’s table I shook Nils’ hand, told him I was a fan of his blog (but again resisted the urge to mock the A’s)"
Oh, I'm sure Nils would have had a classic retort like "You're fat" or "why are you so fat", cuz Mr. Parker is so witty and shit.
"and asked Tucker to sign my book.
My copy of “I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell” now says, “Brandon: Fuck you. – Tucker Max”."
Brandon, even your hero thinks you're a fucking douchebag.
BTW, I might make fun of Tucker Max, but that's pretty much exactly what I would have wrote too.
"Amanda briefly chatted with Keri. Apparently Amanda is a fan of hers. I had no idea who she was."
Actually, she was a fan of Keri's work. Amanda ordered a burger medium rare and voila, it came out medium rare. Most servers at Applebee's would have gotten her a medium and lied, but not Keri Lynn Pratt (employee of the month in March 2006)
"We got set up to take the picture. Nils was still sitting,"
Because standing might have given that fat fuck a heart attack.
"and so I asked Tucker if Nils would be willing to join us."
THREE WAY!!!!!!
"I saw Tucker eyeing Amanda. Uh oh."
Tucker was pretty sure he's said "did you shit on my dick?" to Amanda before.
"We had a few second to kill, so Tucker says to me
Tucker Max: “Is that your girl?”
I pause, thinking, “Oh shit. Please don’t burn her. Please don’t burn her.” I answered with a tepid, “… Yeah?”
Tucker Max: I’m proud of you man, you’re playing above your game."
Brandon, I've seen your facebook pictures. You're wife is a 3 or a 4 if I'm wasted, whereas you're maybe a 2. Pretty much anything is "playing above your game".
"I laughed. Noting mentally: Tucker Max 1, Brandon 0."
Hahahahaha. He insulted you to your face in front of your girl, and you just laughed? Fucking pussy.
"On the way out, I was hoping to avoid Blonde Dude, "
You're afraid of Bill Dawes? He's a shitty comedian, then again, YOU'RE A SHITTY COMEDIAN. It would be a battle of shits.
"because I knew he camped out by the exit with a camera from watching the videos. I hoped he would be gone by the time we left. As we’re going down the escalator, he’s there eyeing both of us."
Wait, you're not a minority there by yourself. You're safe dude.
Jesus Christ, you're afraid of getting made fun of by Bill Dawes? You let some douchebag make fun of you in front of your wife? You don't raise your hand because you're afraid of getting made fun of?
Brandon Mendelbaum, you sir are a whiny, dripping pussy.
"The second the door opens he steps in front of me and puts a microphone in Amanda’s face. The camera closes in."
"Blonde Dude shouted, “Oh! Review Time!” as he gently grabbed Amanda’s arm, ”Quick review time. Quick review time.”"
Dude, if somebody grabbed my woman's arm, I don't care if he did it gently and had a camera, somebody would get punched.
"Amanda: ” But. I … uh. I don’t want to!”"
Brandon has heard these words before, mostly when he wants sex, cuz Amanda don't dig on pussys.
"Just then we were saved. Five nerdy guys, either college freshman or high school seniors, came out."
Which basically makes up 90% of Tucker's fan base.
Part VIII:
"Blonde Dude: “Oh, let’s interview them.”
Amanda: “Yeah. Interview them!” she said as she walked away briskly."
On top of seeing a shitty movie and getting made fun of by a douchebag after spending ANOTHER hour on line with a bunch of douchey HS kids, Amanda was then accosted by a blonde 40 year old wearing clothing that 16 year olds wear while her pussy husband DID FUCKING NOTHING.
I give this marriage about 3 years. Brandon is a shitty writer and eventually she'll tire of being the only breadwinner. Then she'll realize he's not only talentless, but afraid of confrontation by any douchebag who says "BOOO!!".
"I caught up to her. “You should go back and do it.”
Amanda: “I don’t want to”"
What bitch? No anal? I brought you to see the great Tucker Max and I don't even get to check the oil? Fuck you, I'm going to hang out with my hero Tucker Max (and hopefully get anal).
"Brandon: “I’ll go do it then”"
Told you he wanted anal.
"Amanda: “No. They didn’t want you. They wanted me. And I don’t want to do it.”"
Totally talking about ass fucking.
"She’s right. I’ve got the evil Burt look going, and for marketing purposes, I suspected Tucker doesn’t need a ton of dudes plugging his film, "
Actually, he needs as many douchebags like yourself saying as many nice things as possible about his movie, because if this doesn't work out he's going to be bussing the tables that Keri Pratt just waited on.
"he needs women because it helps negate any Feminazi protests that will likely follow his film when it hits wide release."
Yeah, that's funny, because from what I heard, there were no FEMINAZI'S at the NEW YORK SCREENING. Know why? He's not even a blip on their radar.
"Also: It doesn’t hurt him in other areas, but you probably figured that out."
Women help him become less of a douchebag?
"We walked silently back to the Port Authority where we caught a bus with a homicidal driver and an old dude who wanted to fight me."
Wait, you don't even own a fucking automobile? How in the fuck did you get on The Huffington Post? Were your parents big donators to Obama or something, because frankly you're a shit writer with nothing interesting to say. You can't hold a story together by the biggest of strings, have no idea how to build up suspense and when you do try to you leave your audience for a let down.
ANd you think Tucker Max has made you a better writer? I disagree. I think that not only that he hasn't made you a better writer, but he's made you a worse person. No wonder your wife and you walked "silently" back to get a fucking bus.
Amanda Mendelwhatever. You can do better.
"Story material that Tucker might be proud of."
Did you pay 20 bucks and give him good press? That's about the only thing Tucker Max cares about. Write him in a year after his film bombs and see if he welcomes your call. Don't believe me? Ask the people of Shreveport how they feel about what a nice guy Tucker is and how he "cares" about them.
Fuck you Brandon, do something good with your life, drop this facade of a writing career and go teach.
BTW: Here's Brandon's Facebook site.
http://www.facebook.com/bjmendelson
Look at his pictures. This is the face of a Tucker Max fan. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Barry and Light. I double dare you to take a few of his pictures and add them to my posts on your page.
Come on, I double fucking dare you.
Wait, it gets better:
He has a thin skin too:
http://www.soapboxincluded.com/2009/09/18/i-should-be-used-to-this-by-now/
I read the guy's article, it's nothing compared to what I wrote about Brandon. NOTHING. He was being kind, I'm pointing out that he's
1) a shitty writer
2) a pussy
3) is ugly
4) has a wife who is going to leave him
5) has bad role models who don't respect him
Come on Barry and Light. Let's do this shit and cause some waves.
- TDG
TDG,
I do believe this is your masterpiece.
The British Guy
Holy shit,
Light, you have to print this. Have you seen Brandens pictures? This will be totally worth it.
“3) When you put your stories together, do you use an outline and plot everything out or do you focus on writing and then cutting when you’re finished?”
Brandon, did you suck Ariana Huffington’s dick to get this job?
----------------------------------
Hahahahahahahahahahahaha!!
Holy shit, he looks like a fucking Muppet.
this place is the gift that keeps giving. TDG is awesome.
There is a whole multitude of "so-and-soisadoucebag" type blogs that could be started based solely on the material from this tour.
In that sense, Otto has really impressed me.
Do you like
chicks shaped like ham?
I do not like them, Sam-I-am.
I do not like
chicks shaped like ham.
Would you like them
now or then?
I would not like them
now or then.
I would not like them ever again.
I do not like
chicks shaped like ham.
I do not like them, Sam-I-am.
Would you like them in your bed?
Would you like them giving head?
I do not like them
in my bed.
I do not like them
giving head.
I do not like them
now or then.
I do not like them
ever again.
I do not like
chicks shaped like ham.
I do not like them,
Sam-I-am.
Would you eat them
in their box?
Would you poke them
with your cox?
Not in their box.
Not with my cox.
Not in my bed.
Not giving head.
I would not poke them
here or there.
I would not poke them anywhere.
I would not poke chicks shaped like ham.
I do not like them, Sam-I-am.
Stolen shamelessly from that other guy
I saw the movie last night. It was terrible. A lot of the issues have been covered before, but to me a big one was the supposed lack of hijinks in the movie. Well, the whole poop scene is set up by a character referencing a scene in wedding crashers, when putting eye drops in Tucker's beer.
I laughed one time during the movie, and I was one of 2 people laughing in the theater at the time. I cannot even remember what I was laughing about.
The movie also includes the tell tale sign that you are watching a crappy movie: After his poop escapades, Tucker, naked and alone in an elevator says "I Hope They serve beer in Hell." It is never good when the title of the movie gets randomly spoken in a movie. It reminded me of every bad Nic Cage movie I've ever seen.
Overall review: 3/10
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1220628/board/thread/147511301?d=147728759&p=1#147728759
boobs r fun
boobs r nice
boobs r perky rubbed with ice
"boobs r fun
boobs r nice
boobs r perky rubbed with ice"
--concept by richard kelly, performed by carrot creative
No, your Honor, it's not pornography. The woman is merely expressing affection for the carrot and the zucchini.
So this Brandon guy. He actually said that crap? What kind of idiot thinks that being told his GF is out of his league is somehow a point for him and a failure for Tucker? What kind of massive loser is this guy? How long before his GF wakes up to his insufferable betatude and realizes hanging out with non-losers is a much better use of her time?
Maybe she'll marry him first, just to rip him off better.
Between him, Candanian Bacon, Bill Blahs, and Charlie Huffin', Tucker is surrounding himself with exactly his type of people.
YAY CANDANIA!!!!!!!
CANDANIA 4EVA
http://www.ihopetheyservebeerinhell.com/my-response-to-the-cta-ads-being-pulled/
This is my new favourite post by Tucker. It's hilarious.
"We have now screened this movie for 26 audiences, and not one rational person has come out of the movie thinking that it is degrading to women or advocates anything other than fun and humor."
This line is just so brilliantly stupid that it should win an award. Note that Tucker doesn't say that no person has come out of the movie thinking this, but that no "rational" person has done so.
See what he has done there? The moment you disagree, you're considered irrational. Tucker is saying: "Everyone that agrees with me thinks I'm right about this." Tucker max: Retarded.
"In response to the loss of audiences in Chicago, Rudius Media and Darko Entertainment, the two companies behind the film, are announcing that they are doubling their internet advertising budget and expanding print and television ads to other more open minded cities."
Unfortunately, doubling the internet advertising budget means going from $50 to $100 dollars.
"Max was adamant that he not only doesn’t hate women, he loves them, “That’s the question I have constantly asked that the protestors have never addressed, because they can’t: ‘If my art is misogynist and promotes violence against women, then why are half my fans women?’ They don’t answer the question because they can’t."
Then I'll address your question. Firstly, where do these figures come from? Who says half of your fans are women (other than you)?
Secondly, the fact that women are fans of your work doesn't mean shit. Check out this quote, "His trials were infamous and devoured by the media. Bundy was treated like a rock star, where court rooms were filled with adoring fans (all women, oddly enough)."
That's right. Women LOVED Ted Bundy, a fucking serial killer. Therefore, that women "love" you or your writing doesn't mean anything.
"Women are not stupid."
And yet your entire career is based on your belief that most women are stupid (stupid enough to sleep with you, at least).
"They would not support me if I hated them, and the fact that they come out in the hundreds of thousands to buy my book and go to my movie is proof that I not only love women, but my art is in fact pro-woman."
See above. Ted Bundy had a number of female fans. Also, how is your "art" (those poor babies) pro-woman? What the hell? Your book about shit, drinking and sex supports women? Do you mean this literally? Like once people have finished it, they want to go out and make women?
"The facts are on my side because I am right."
One of the most stupid things Tucker has ever said.
Nng,
Fantastic find.
richard kelly's carrot creative minions are spamming rotten tomatoes:
http://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/i_hope_they_serve_beer_in_hell/reviews_users.php
the positive reviews read as PR press releases that tucker wrote.
note all the first time reviewers.
I'm Tucker because I'm right
Tucker LOVES the ladies. Here are some examples from his own blog:
A random and annoying girl yells out, wants to tell story:
Bill: Let’s give her a chance.
[She starts rambling on in a stupid way]
Tucker: Shut the fuck up, no one cares about you. The only good thing that could come out of your mouth is my dick.
[She yells something drunkenly incomprensible]
Tucker: Take the mike from her. Honey, you could have saved us all the time and just stood up and said “I’m a sloppy slut” and sat down.
[She yells again]
Tucker: You look like a keg with a head. Shut up.
Didn't you feel the love?
-This girl tells a story about how her nose starts bleeding while she’s straddling a guy and making out with him. She runs to the bathroom to clean up, and he comes up and starts fucking her from behind.
Nils: “This is the second blood-related story we’ve had in four days.”
Tucker: “I don’t care about your story, show us your tits!”
Hahahahahahaha. That's brotastic!!!
A girl with fucked up hair stands up to tell a story:
Tucker: “Does [the story] involve that haircut, or how you got it? A lawn mower and a bottle of Jack Daniels or what?”
Girl: “Remember the time when you accidentally fucked a guy?”
Nils: “Hahahaha, I do! I remember!”
Tucker: “It may not have been a guy, it may have just been a very masculine stripper. Sweetie, don’t make me start making fat jokes, because I will fill you up like the Shoney’s buffet.”
Oh my God. I feel the warmth and overall love Tucker has for the ladies!!!
I'm waiting for TUcker to say that everytime he makes fun of a woman in a hideous way, another woman is saved from being raped. That's the logical end to his argument.
-TDG
TDG, I have twins
fatastic as always TDG
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1220628/board/thread/147740552
Good deconstruction of Tucker's CTA press release
PMC,
"Tucker, you had your fans at “blow me.”
Nice job dude.
-TDG
from that IMDB post -
“we don’t dislike Obama because he’s black or really an Indonesian/Kenyan Muslim, we just hate him because he is a socialist.”
Right, because every single thing Barry Soetero has done would be absolutely FINE if it was just a WHITE guy doing it.
Pull the other one.
Mind you, as a hardcore WN, I don't exactly _mind_ the left pushing this idea that people hate Obama for his race. More of that is needed. The left just gets the cause/effect backwards: his actions are the problem, but his actions are a consequence of who and what he is. The actions would be just as big a problem if taken by a white, but a white would be way less likely to try these things - or to delude himself he could get away with them.
Either way, Barry's been real good for waking people up.
“I have sat back and watched the kooks protest me and the major media present their side as if it had validity.”
Isn't it Tucker's claim that the major media is a dinosaur and irrelevant? If I had a nickel for every contradiction that comes out of Tucker's mouth I'd be Warren Buffett.
***
“...and go to my movie is proof that I not only love women, but my art is in fact pro-woman. The facts are on my side because I am right.”
Arbeit Macht Frei
***
“You can slander and libel me on the internet or attack my advertisements but you will not shut this movie down. Not under any circumstances,” Max said.”
There it is, the upcoming excuse. "My film did shit numbers because I was blackballed by the actions of a few Women's Groups." His film's failure will have nothing to do with the lack of quality around his writing, it's because of the protesters. No wide release because of the women. No gross to pay for a chicken sandwich because of the women. Thank goodness Tucker loves them so, otherwise the women might be at risk of being mistreated by him. Oh wait, I see another nickel coming along.
Good God, TDG, you're fucking amazing. Between yesterday's absolute dressing-down of Brandon-whoever-the-fuck, and today's response to Tucker's bullshit... just, really, maybe your best stretch yet. Keep it up, dude.
NNG and NFUG, your latest stuff was great, too.
GOD, tucker's an idiot. every time anyone says or does anything he doesn't like, he writes some self-righteous, 'this shall not stand!!!' bullshit self-fellating tripe. tucker, did it ever occur to you that the reason people want your ads off their busses, watn you to just shut up and go away, is because you're a loudmouthed, nasty, self-centered bully who thinks that offending people = edgy and revolutionary, and people just want you to SHUT THE FUCK UP AND GO AWAY?!
"GOD, tucker's an idiot. every time anyone says or does anything he doesn't like, he writes some self-righteous, 'this shall not stand!!!' bullshit self-fellating tripe. tucker, did it ever occur to you that the reason people want your ads off their busses, watn you to just shut up and go away, is because you're a loudmouthed, nasty, self-centered bully who thinks that offending people = edgy and revolutionary, and people just want you to SHUT THE FUCK UP AND GO AWAY?!"
--THIS.
I assume that every has read that the CTA has pulled billboards for Tucker's movie from Chicago buses?
http://leisureblogs.chicagotribune.com/about-last-night/2009/09/cta-pulling-tucker-max-movie-ads.html
Read the comments section to that Chicago Tribune blog. Some are funny:
"I'd never heard of Max prior to this, but I've read enough to know he's an idiot. "
"Not only are the jokes not funny, the movie will quite likely suck, which can't be helped, no matter our society's relative level of sensitivity."
"If the jokes on the bus aren't even funny why am I going to pay him money to see his crappy movie?"
"That's exactly what they want you to do: wait to form an opinion by handing over $10 to see 90 minutes of pointless douchebaggery, which you knew were getting into from the start.
I mean, come on! The guy's name is Tucker Max. Never trust anyone with two first names. "
"that whole tucker max thing is so lame. now that he made his big movie, he can just keep growing into the old creepy guy he's destined to be."
"The movie looks awful. If you are looking forward to seeing it, I'd estimate the probability you have lots of acne to be 90%. I hope the Tribune collected for advertising it on their site like this."
"
""They've purposely manipulated my work -- which is a satire and a comedy...."
So are your stories real or fiction? You promote them as true and, in fact, you get very defensive when anyone calls you a liar. So if your stories are true, then you HAVE used and abused women, leading them on for your perverted sexual entertainment and then humiliating and dumping them. How, exactly, does this qualify as "satire" or "comedy"?"
http://photos-c.ak.fbcdn.net/photos-ak-sf2p/v15/199/68/12451310/n12451310_31195530_7852.jpg
hi brandon mendelson on the right. you seem very manly. i am highly surprised that you are seeking a masculine role model like tucker max. you don't look like the type who has socially suffered in this world.
your marriage is secure because you own it.
"Right, because every single thing Barry Soetero has done would be absolutely FINE if it was just a WHITE guy doing it."
Its all right, your dittohead credentials were established at Barry Soetero.
We'll just have to have Tucker hate to bind us together.
"The actions would be just as big a problem if taken by a white, but a white would be way less likely to try these things - or to delude himself he could get away with them."
Well now that you've explained it that way, it seems eminently more reasonable. I see, you got yer "whites" who got their whole white actions going: and then the blacks, who try and pull these black actions, like health care reform. See a white like Bill Clinton would be never try a thing like health care reform, or even delude himself that he could get away with these things. Same with the Great Society programs, no cracker from Texas would ever try an advance a progressive agenda, or delude himself. It seems like we still got to keep these blacks from getting so uppity that they start deluding themselves.
"Either way, Barry's been real good for waking people up."
And you've really helped me wake up. Seems like I'm not always standing on the "white" side of this whole white/black line. It's been mighty white of you to show me the errors of my ways.
Hopefully, "barry" will come clean finally and show us his original Hawaiian Birth Certificate and the folks at the Honolulu papers who have an original birth announcement for "barry" will finally fess up to the conspiracy. Rush keeps promising that it will happen.
I'm glad there's no racial thoughts at all with you.
12:55, STFU. We all know your stupid political tripe is a futile attempt to distract from the hilarious writings of TDG, NNG and everyone else with irrefutable evidence that Tucker Max is, indeed, a douchebag.
12:55, STFU. We all know your stupid political tripe is a futile attempt to distract from the hilarious writings of TDG, NNG and everyone else with irrefutable evidence that Tucker Max is, indeed, a douchebag.
115 Screens! Box Office Mojo.
Remember his April 8 post where he promised a major release on thousands of screens indistinguishable from any other major studio release.
Do you think any of his fan boys will call him out on his BS
http://www.ihopetheyservebeerinhell.com/im-frustrated-too/
IDIOT FILMMAKERS INTENTIONALLY SCREEN MOVIE FOR FREE TO THEIR ENTIRE POTENTIAL TARGET AUDIENCE BEFORE THE FILMS PREMIERE
(PRent/091809/wide-US) - In what some Hollywood insiders are calling the 'worst case of movie marketing since Monkeybone (2001),' gonzo 'fratire' author Tucker Max has completely thrown himself and his film under the bus. The worst part it seems is that the whole campaign was his idea.
(Click for full story)
TDG, you're missed over at the new blog. Anyone else sick of these stupid trolls?
http://tuckermaxlies.blogspot.com/
TDG... Just a feeler question, prob not same guy but would it surprise you to know some board gals were whorish to the of phone sex with board boys? Bananas?
Bananas... beware the milky pirate:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RO10s_HK6d0
"TDG... Just a feeler question, prob not same guy but would it surprise you to know some board gals were whorish to the of phone sex with board boys? Bananas?"
Not me. Stayed the hell away from forum politics and on-line relationships.
man this is a good vid
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UYqCm_D7pRE
^^^ Fag!
Is it me or does Nils Parker look just like Charlie Weis?
No, but if you cut the head off of TUcker Max and glue it on Nils Parker you have Herman Munster.
A very fat Herman Munster.
Nils ain't that fat, he's just kinda big
After reading all these trolls with their blinders on hoping to see the film fail I thought I'd run some quick numbers past you.
115 theaters x 18 screenings each theater (fri, sat, sun) x 400 seats per theater x $10 each ticket = $8,280,000
That's an easy formula for an 8 MILLION opening weekend based on 115 THEATERS!
Save your snakry comments and do the math yourselves. And for those of you who went to community colleges and state schools I'll help you out. Hit the 'start' menu down left, click on 'all programs' and then 'accessories', now scroll to the calculator.
Will you guys be here apologizing the Monday after the first premiere? Hell no. That's not in a haterz character.
@9:58 AM
hahahahahahahaha
You are a professional dumbass. Bravo.
Do yourself a favour and work out the per screen average required to pull off that sort of opening weekend, then compare that to the best per screen averages achieved by movies in limited release.
Let's put that in perspective:
In its fifth week of release, Slumdog Millionaire expanded to 169 theatres. It made $8,048,764 with a per screen average of $12,873. So, in your opinion, IHTSBIH (with a deficit of fifty four theaters compared to Slumdog) is going to gross that same $8million figure? The same as a movie that went on to win best picture and gross $140 million domestically? Are you really that stupid?
Go and post that on the TMMB too, because even your hero will call you a dumbass for saying that.
"After reading all these trolls with their blinders on hoping to see the film fail I thought I'd run some quick numbers past you.
115 theaters x 18 screenings each theater (fri, sat, sun) x 400 seats per theater x $10 each ticket = $8,280,000
That's an easy formula for an 8 MILLION opening weekend based on 115 THEATERS!
Save your snakry comments and do the math yourselves. And for those of you who went to community colleges and state schools I'll help you out. Hit the 'start' menu down left, click on 'all programs' and then 'accessories', now scroll to the calculator.
Will you guys be here apologizing the Monday after the first premiere? Hell no. That's not in a haterz character."
You're a fucking idiot. First of all, I don't know why you fanboys keep insisting on this '$10 a ticket' bullshit. Assuming 18 shows, at least 3 of them are going to be matinee prices, which are like 6 bucks here in Dallas. Second, a movie ticket here in the evening is 8 bucks, not 10. Maybe tickets are $10 in some places, but the aggregate price for all showtimes in all cites is going to be closer to, like, 7 bucks. Second, Tucker can't even sell out his own bus tour- you really think all 118 (or whatever) of those theaters are going to sell out? You're retarded.
Tucker's predictions have been wrong every step of the way, and the guy 'Biscuits' that posted on his site a while back is looking more and more like a prophet. If you want to base your expectations on what he says, that's fine, but it's not based on the evidence.
@11:00 AM
The number of variables this moron has left out is astounding. His scenario suggests that EVERY screening will sell 400 tickets.
I feel like the word, "moron" has lost its meaning on this board. We need some special word to denounce stupidity of this level. By his reasoning, every movie ever made should have made tens of millions.
Can you imagine this loser as the producer of The Collector?
"Brah! Our movie only opened with $3million even though we opened on 1300 screens! Crunch those numbers again! We're being cheated! Hollywood and its lying liars are trying to stop the revolution! We should be billionaires!"
this is how math whiz richard kelly bamboozeled investors out of millions"
"After reading all these trolls with their blinders on hoping to see the film fail I thought I'd run some quick numbers past you.
115 theaters x 18 screenings each theater (fri, sat, sun) x 400 seats per theater x $10 each ticket = $8,280,000
That's an easy formula for an 8 MILLION opening weekend based on 115 THEATERS!
Save your snakry comments and do the math yourselves. And for those of you who went to community colleges and state schools I'll help you out. Hit the 'start' menu down left, click on 'all programs' and then 'accessories', now scroll to the calculator.
Will you guys be here apologizing the Monday after the first premiere? Hell no. That's not in a haterz character."
From IMDB
"Actually, he said something about a 190 screen opening scaled down from a 450 screen opening scaled down from an opening "virtually indistinguishable from any big Hollywood release". The number of screens being scaled back reminds me of "The Ransom of Red Chief". "
Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!
"After reading all these trolls with their blinders on hoping to see the film fail I thought I'd run some quick numbers past you.
115 theaters x 18 screenings each theater (fri, sat, sun) x 400 seats per theater x $10 each ticket = $8,280,000
That's an easy formula for an 8 MILLION opening weekend based on 115 THEATERS!
Save your snakry comments and do the math yourselves. And for those of you who went to community colleges and state schools I'll help you out. Hit the 'start' menu down left, click on 'all programs' and then 'accessories', now scroll to the calculator.
Will you guys be here apologizing the Monday after the first premiere? Hell no. That's not in a haterz character."
Actually I wrote this, and I was being facetious while imitating a Tucker fan. Guess I did a good job, because people took it seriosly.
Sorry, it was satire, not gospel.
Tucker says:
"They would not support me if I hated them, and the fact that they come out in the hundreds of thousands to buy my book and go to my movie is proof that I not only love women, but my art is in fact pro-woman."
Tucker's "art" is "pro-woman."
HAHAHAHA!!!! AHHHH-HAHAHAHAHA!!!
If he excused his stories as merely demonstrating edgy humor, I might buy that. But "pro-woman"? Why would he even write that? Is he engaging in self-parody?
If Emperor Palpatine and Mace Windu teamed up to fight the Chaos Gods from WH40K, that would be so freaking cool.
Tucker Loves The Ladies:
Part II:
I'm totally convinced that Tucker Max is not a racist and really loves the ladies. Just look how he treats them at a show they just spent 10 dollars to go see his art... (baby died of AIDS)
-An Asian girl gets up to tell a story, but before she can even start:
Nils: “Is it really sideways?”
Tucker: “It’s not sideways, they just have three pubes and they’re all eight feet long.”
Girl: “That’s not true!”
Tucker: “Bullshit it’s not. I fucked so many Asian girls in college I can tell the difference between Korean, Chinese and Japanese by smell. By smell!”
Girl: “OK, lets see, smell me.”
She walks over, I smell her: Tucker and Nils in unison: “Whore.”
Tucker: “I love Asian girls.”
Nils: “Its cause Asian girls are so good at all that hard work. And if you get them pregnant, you just go to their parents dry cleaners and get a hanger for free.”
Tucker: “You know the girl I want to fuck? Michael and Marcus Vicks mom. You gotta know she has no boundaries.”
Hahahahahahahaha... Wait, what does Michael Vick's mother have to do with anything??? Nevermind, Tucker Max loves loves loves women.
Why do some people care whether or not Tucker is a racist? Who gives a shit? I think Tucker Max is a shithead and liar but I couldn't care less whether or not he's racist. I want to see Tucker crash and burn as much as the next guy, but I fail to see how his views on race have any relevance to the discussion of whether or not he's full of shit.
^^^^^^^^^^^^
Tucker loves minorities just how he loves women.
Now this is the story all about how
Tucker's life got flipped, turned upside down
And Id like to take a minute just sit right there
Ill tell you how he became known as the douche of FAIL-air
In west kentucky born and raised
In the barnyard was where he spent most of his days
Chilling out, MAXing, being anything but cool,
And all dodging bullies punches outside of the school
When a couple of girls who were up to no good
Started throwing pussy in his neighborhood
He saw his first lil’ vagina and he got real scared
The girl said, "you didn't get me off and dick's barely there"
He moved to Chicago and started drinking beer
The alcohol helped him overcome his twat fear
If anything he would say that his action was rare
But he thought, “nah, forget it, yo, I’ll lie so they’ll care.”
He went on to make a movie out of lies and pure hate
As he shouted to the Bunny, I'm done, smell you later
He looked at his kingdom, he was finally there
To settle on his throne as the douche of fail-air.
TDG - re: bananas, ok, was hoping you were someone else, I'd hoped he hadn't returned to the fold to suck Tuck's cock and was secretly a haterz, but I suppose he's just as big of a loser as the others
The worst of all the board people are the ones who came RUNNING back the 2nd the movie news dropped. Disgusting sheep.
dude the fresh prince spoof is one of the funniest things on this board
LMFAO
yes--but richard kelly financed "Get away from me or I'm going to carve another *beep* hole in your torso."
are we allowed to talk about richard kelly hijinx here?
i mean a director's past and current artistic investments/associations/art does provide insight into their artistic soul and spirit. no?
http://www.latimes.com/entertainment/news/la-ca-tucker20-2009sep20,0,1269489.story look! richard kelly!!
also in the latimes article we find richard kelly's concept of good art, worthy of investing in if you are richard kelly:
http://tuckermaxdoucebag.blogspot.com/
and based on richard kelly's soul, one can see the box will epic fail!
all in all, it is hard to see investors giving richard kelly more money after these two epic fails so close together.
the box's trailer was worse than the one for the i hope they serve beer in hell film, which is opeing in undre 150 theaters!
how embarrassing!
look at the hijinx richard kelly blows his investor's csh on!
http://gawker.com/5363233/tucker-maxs-campaign-of-hate-against-chicagos-transit-system?skyline=true&s=x
"At first glance, less egregious is Tucker's intentionally inflammatory statement that his "art" is pro-women as it is as it is "art." But then, it all begins to make sense: this is performance art. Max's entire shtick is performance art. It's New Museum-level shit. In fact, Max probably knows exactly what he's doing, how people are going to react to it, and the exact amount of publicity it's going to generate. Which is why it's strange that, you know, he made such a shitty movie that nobody's going to want to see, and thus, make no money. So what would tie this all together?
The forthcoming revelation that Max is just a deeply-closeted homosexual, inching his way out by purporting the extremities of the most straight, blase, boring, stupid, and utterly predictable proto-male sexuality there is: his, or his act's. The kind given the treatment a "salon" of fellow "bros" out there could appreciate in the form of a book and its poop-like adaptation. Tucker Max could be the world's most interesting gay advocate out there if this thing comes full-circle.
Then again, he's probably just a dick. City of Chicago: good on you."
PMC and TDG have been calling the gay performance artist thing for a few weeks now.
think about it...
tucker is incapable of committing to a women's soul, nor even imagining it.
he shoves his cock in their anuses.
we can see how he hates and detests women via all the bile and slander and abuse.
he says he does everything to impress women, but really, he does everything to convince men he is not gay.
every little action, every word he writes, every excuse he comes up with for shoving his cock in anuses, is created to to convince men that he is not gay.
after awhile, he is yelling it sooo loud that there is no denying his gayness.
It's really not too difficult to understand Tucker. He's just a spoiled child who is being told "no" by the powers that be, so he lashes back like a spoiled child would.
It's fun watching life slap him down. He's rapidly turning into an angry person.
So I watched the Sex-Ray video. Who was blowing whom? Nils blowing Tucker or Tucker blowing Nils? You can't really tell from the footage.
after reading that thread where tugger cries his fatty little heart out about his dire rapey-ads being pulled, we can conclude that 'tom88' is the biggest dicksucking fanboi faggot on tmmb.
it really is pathetic how they jump on the one dissenting poster on the thread only after it's made clear otto, greasy little freak etc have taken a dislike to him.
I'm not sure if anyone has picked up on this already, but I found it interesting:
http://www.latimes.com/entertainment/news/la-ca-tucker20-2009sep20,0,1269489.story
"FOR THE RECORD:
Tucker Max: An article in today's Calendar about Tucker Max and the upcoming movie based on his book, "I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell," said that the writer appears on the 2009 Time 100, a list of influential people. Max was only a finalist for the list. —"
I seem to remember Tucker saying differently, though I'm too lazy to look it up right now.
^^^ In typical Tucker fashioned, he claimed several times that he was 'nominated' for the list- a true claim, but one that the average listener would likely interpret as him making the list. No question Tucker described it that way intentionally, to allow people to conclude that he had made the list. It's something he does often- a typical self-spin move.
Did Tucker ever have sex with KungFu Mike? I bet that Tucker gave KungFu Mike a nice reach-around while pounding Mike's ass.
Tucker's movie, along with his future, is crashing and burning. His Hollywood prospects are gone. His website revenues have no doubt gone to shit because he's neglected it for so long. Here's to hoping his book deal gets yanked, or the release becomes substantially more limited.
It's just a few more days until Tucker's dogshit movie flames out!
I nominate myself as IMPERIAL WINNAH OF DAH GALAXYYYY
clearly, I am Tucker Max
haha in the reviews thread tucker put up all these links to bad reviews and noted how many viewers per day they all get
like that's going to help
more viewers per day being told 'hey, this guy made a really bad movie about sex and drunkenness' does not translate to huge new audiences, dumbass
also, lol at the aff cover whatsit posted today in that thread
Tucker tells jokes and the fans don't get it and don't laugh
I wonder how many times that's happened that he doesn't admit it
Apologies if this (or a similar) point has been made here already, but it's getting harder and harder to sift through all the dross. This post in the responses to the online Tribune article really sums up why Tucker is so doucheriffic:
""They've purposely manipulated my work -- which is a satire and a comedy...."
So are your stories real or fiction? You promote them as true and, in fact, you get very defensive when anyone calls you a liar. So if your stories are true, then you HAVE used and abused women, leading them on for your perverted sexual entertainment and then humiliating and dumping them. How, exactly, does this qualify as "satire" or "comedy"?
He always wants to have his cake and eat it to. He's an "artist" who creates "satire" but his stories are also 100% true, bro! That's some serious catch-22 shit right there.
“Tucker: I always have my iPhone with me, which I can use to take voice notes, but it’s not like I leave it on all the time.”
Yes, I've had my Iphone since the stories started in 1998. Fuck you if you didn't get one till 2007 (which none of my stories occur after 2007)
Who is writing the recent updates on the movie page. I hope Otto hasn't developed a new style where he writes his actions as a third person.
"(Tucker laughs harder than anyone else)"
http://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/i_hope_they_serve_beer_in_hell/
First official bad review went up today at Rotten Tomatoes.
http://www.slantmagazine.com/film/film_review.asp?ID=4519
This will be fun.
http://austin.craigslist.org/tix/1370396642.html
i'm pretty sure we've seen this *exact* ad in other cities along the tour.
http://bitchphd.blogspot.com/2009/09/trigger-warning.html
TM is seriously pissing people off.
This isn't even run-of-the-mill criticism of a shitty fucked-up culture. AND TM is too offensive for the criticism to even be a good thing, as a promotional tool or whatever.
This is serious fucking fail.
Is this board broken again? I cannot see the most recent posts.
SCORESMAN GOT A TATTOO.
- BIFF
SCORESMAN GOT A TATTOO.
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SCORESMAN GOT A TATTOO.
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SCORESMAN GOT A TATTOO.
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SCORESMAN GOT A TATTOO.
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SCORESMAN GOT A TATTOO.
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SCORESMAN GOT A TATTOO.
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SCORESMAN GOT A TATTOO.
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SCORESMAN GOT A TATTOO.
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SCORESMAN GOT A TATTOO.
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SCORESMAN GOT A TATTOO.
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SCORESMAN GOT A TATTOO.
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SCORESMAN GOT A TATTOO.
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SCORESMAN GOT A TATTOO.
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SCORESMAN GOT A TATTOO.
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SCORESMAN GOT A TATTOO.
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SCORESMAN GOT A TATTOO.
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SCORESMAN GOT A TATTOO.
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SCORESMAN GOT A TATTOO.
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SCORESMAN GOT A TATTOO.
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SCORESMAN GOT A TATTOO.
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SCORESMAN GOT A TATTOO.
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SCORESMAN GOT A TATTOO.
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SCORESMAN GOT A TATTOO.
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SCORESMAN GOT A TATTOO.
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SCORESMAN GOT A TATTOO.
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SCORESMAN GOT A TATTOO.
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SCORESMAN GOT A TATTOO.
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SCORESMAN GOT A TATTOO.
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SCORESMAN GOT A TATTOO.
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SCORESMAN GOT A TATTOO.
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SCORESMAN GOT A TATTOO.
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SCORESMAN GOT A TATTOO.
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SCORESMAN GOT A TATTOO.
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SCORESMAN GOT A TATTOO.
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SCORESMAN GOT A TATTOO.
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SCORESMAN GOT A TATTOO.
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SCORESMAN GOT A TATTOO.
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SCORESMAN GOT A TATTOO.
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SCORESMAN GOT A TATTOO.
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SCORESMAN GOT A TATTOO.
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www.tuckermaxlies.blogspot.com
Jeez, man, fuck you, trolls. fucking gay as hell.
It's fucking awesome that he lost most of his print ad campaign in Chicago, since that's where most of the theaters that are playing this piece of shit are located.
This might be the dumbest marketing campaign in the history of cinema.
Somebody should make a t-shirt to read "I Got Raped By Tucker Max" with that picture of him getting booked at jail right underneath it. Betcha the feminists would buy it up and probably most of his fans.
i feel kinda bad for tuckeroo. his latest blog tugged at my heart strings. he's defeated man, at this point it's kind of cruel to continue making fun of him.
really, one thing i can assure hell doesn't serve is a chance of his movie gathering enough numbers to go wide. ZINGGINZINGZING
seriously tho, he's fucked. there's absolutely no way he's going wide, and i think he knows it. if i didn't previously know who tucker max was from maddox's website when i was like 16 (i'm 19 going on 20 now), then i wouldn't even know about this movie or even who he is. and if i had seen the trailer i would have thought "eh, i'll download it when it's on the demonoid circuit".
poor poor tug tug. only thing that's gonna save him now is a fluke along the lines of what happened with greek wedding, which is extremely rare. otherwise he better hope for good dvd sales, in the least he'll get cult status, but i'm sure his movie will be sitting by "miss march" in wal-mart collecting cob webs.
An Evening with Tucker Max (Deconstructed)
In this episode: We see that Tucker Max isn’t even original in his interview answers.
Question: Your book has been on the New York Times Bestseller List since 2006. Why decide now to finally turn it into a movie?
“Tucker Max: We could have made this movie a lot sooner.”
Yeah, with a much better script, a much better cast and a bigger budget, but fuck those Jews in Hollywood.
“Nils (referring to Nils Parker, the movie's co-screenwriter) and I had an offer a little while back to turn the book into a TV show,”
Offer? Dude, you were saying how the TV show was going to be made by a big producer. Now it’s circled down the drain and has become “an offer”?
Here’s a guess, if anybody does an interview with him in 2011, he will go on to describe the epic failure of his movie as being “just a YouTube video”.
“but we would have had to give up creative control and that wasn't going to happen.”
Yeah, because if anybody was going to fuck this movie up, it was going to be Tucker Max!!
“We had a major movie studio offer us $2 million for the rights,”
Wait? What? Dude, I know I’m not a U of Chicago grad or anything, but 2 million dollars is NOT EIGHT FIGURES.
2,000,000 = SEVEN FIGURES!!!
Maybe it was 8 figures, if you include the .00 at the end of that number.
Did the interviewer end up making him drink a truth serum
“but it was the same thing; they wanted creative control and they would have fucked it all up.”
So Tucker kept creative control and fucked it all up.
“So we said no and waited until we could do it our way and now here we are.”
With a movie that nobody outside of his ever dwindling fan base will like (or watch).
Q: Now that the movie is done, how do you decide whether or not it's successful? Is it financial success or fan acceptance that you're most interested in?
“TM: There's a high correlation between success and exposure.”
There’s also a high correlation between having that exposure include the words “rape culture” and success or lack thereof.
“In most cases, fan acceptance and financial success are one in the same; if it's accepted by fans, you'll make money.”
Yeah, Scientologists LOVED Battlefield: Earth and look how much fucking money that piece of art made.
“ I don't do shit for cult success.”
That’s sort of where his success might lie. Like, this movie is so fucking horrible that it becomes a cult classic and sells more DVD’s. I’m sure he’ll figure out a way to explain that “this was the plan the entire time”, but it’s fun watching him NOT take credit for shit beyond his control and shit.
“We made this movie for the same reason that we create all of our art; because we love it.”
In Nigeria, a 2 year old baby died of AIDS.
“If you're an artist of any kind, whether it's a writer, filmmaker, painter or whatever, and you say that you create art for any reason other than that, then you don't understand what art is all about.”
I quote Tucker when he said:
I have a question I use as a test of sorts when evaluating how wise a man is. It has to come in the proper conversational context, but I will ask him, “Why do you do anything?” and if he says anything other than the one correct word, I know he is either young or stupid or self-delusional in one way or another. I was VERY happy when I posed this question to Bob and without hesitation he said, “Pussy.” Any man who understands that, understands the world.
So that’s why Tucker creates his “art”: for the pussy (which he was getting before he was an “artist”).
I apologize to the parents of the two children who just died of AIDS because I said “art” and “artist” while referring to the work of Tucker Max.
Fuck, another two babies died...
Part II:
Q: So let's say that this movie blows up and exceeds your expectations -
“TM: This movie can't blow up bigger than I expect. There is no number or level of success that would make me think, "Wow, I didn't think that was possible."”
I’m sure that same sentence “I didn’t think that was possible” will also be uttered when his movie tanks.
Q: OK, then let's say that this movie exceeds other people's expectations. Would you consider making another movie?
“TM: Definitely. We've already got material in mind for three sequels,”
I know the titles already: The Fellowship of the Douche, The Two Douchebags and Return of the Douchebag.
“based on my stories and just the general direction that we see the characters in this movie moving towards.”
Yeah, you leave so many unanswered questions with the ending of your movie that it completely warrants a sequel.
Q: Speaking of your stories, you have another book coming out next year with a whole new set of wild adventures from your life. As you continue to write stories and make movies, are you going to keep writing about the same subject matter and catering to the same demographic? Or do you see your stories reflecting your growth or maturity?
“TM: I'm not wise enough or stupid enough to think that I can write fiction.”
Yeah, but Tucker, most people ARE wise enough to realize you’ve been writing fiction all along.
“My writing is authentic and whatever happens in my life is what I write about.”
Or what he wants his life to look like so people will like him and think he’s cool.
“This movie is based on the stuff I was doing at 23 or 24.”
Except for the stuff he lies about, which is like 75% of the book.
“I'm 33 now. I'm not out at the bars every weekend trying to pick up 19-year-olds anymore, because that would just be lame and stupid.”
Except the 19 year olds he picks up at his movie screenings, which is still lame and stupid, but you don’t need to know about that. FUCK YOU BANNED!!!
“Back when I was younger, I was like an unguided missile of debauchery. Now, I'm more like a smart missile.”
A smart missile that delivers a pay load of lies and herpes.
Q: For someone who has never heard of you or the book, what would you tell them about the movie?
“TM: We wanted to prove that you can make a funny guy-movie that can be successful,”
Tucker, I’m serious about this when I say this, but there have been PLENTY OF FUNNY GUY MOVIES THAT HAVE BEEN SUCCESSFUL!!!
Are you fucking serious? You’ve been trying to compare how much better your movie was than the Hangover, which meets all the criteria of your definition that you just listed. Do you think we’re all retards?
Oh wait, I forgot about TMMB, so that’s exactly what you think.
“which everyone knows is true by now. But what we were trying to do with the characters was show how Tucker's narcissism affects his relationships with his friends.”
Hahahahaha. How your narcissism affects his friends. Yeah dude, that would be awesome, except I must have gotten up during that part of the movie where TheBunny ends up getting ass fucked by a total stranger in rehab. Or where Kung Fu Mike is working for a roofing company, or how Luke Heidleberg still has cases of your book in his garage. Or how most of your law school buddies don’t answer your phone calls. Hahahaha, because that would be fucking AWESOME!!!
“Yeah, it's funny to watch but there's a darker side to it that almost ruins his friendships.”
Or how it turns fans into “haterz”.
“We also wanted to make it feel realistic.”
So he made up a bunch of shit that didn’t occur to tie together a bunch of random short stories that had nothing to do with each other in the context of the book (which is also the title of his movie).
Total. And. Complete. Realism.
Part IV:
“The people who want to protest me or this movie need to go see the film before they pass judgment on it.”
Yes, you feminists should go to a premiere show, and then you can not only see for yourself how wrong you were about the movie, but you can stay after the show so Tucker Max can single you out of a crowd and tell you that HE IS NOT A MISOGONIST, BUT HOW YOU’RE ALSO A FAT AND UGLY WHORE.
“Based on the success you've had with the blog, the success you've had with the book and now the success you've had with this premiere tour, it's probably safe to say that this movie is going to be successful. So where do you go from here?”
Holy shit dude, I wasn’t going to comment on your questions because in general you were doing a good job, but that last question was like you were channeling Brandon Mendelson. Have you read what I did to him?
Stop kissing ass, it's an interview, not an infomercial
“TM: (Laughs) Can't we fucking release this thing before I have to worry about what I'm going to do next?”
Why Tucker? You’ve already said how huge this movie is going to be. Don’t you have plans for when this is a success? And I don’t mean “I’m going to buy a jet” Lenny Dykstra type plans. I mean, what’s next bitch?
“Don't get me wrong dude; I'm not laughing at you.”
He needs you to write a good puff piece, so he is laughing at you, just not to your face.
“It's just funny because for the past couple of years we've been killing ourselves to get this movie made,”
Tucker and Nils are zombies, but instead of eating your brains, they’re just douchebags.
“and everyone just assumes it's going to be a success.”
And when he says “everybody” he means him, Nils, Darko and a lot of very worried investors.
“I hope you're right, man, and I'm glad that you have faith that it's going to be successful. But as for where we go from here, we need to make this thing a success first._”
Unlike what Tucker has done, which is make this a total and complete failure.
4 days bitch. 4 days.
-TDG
TDG, I love you.
--cheery female fan
“We had a major movie studio offer us $2 million for the rights,”
Wait? What? Dude, I know I’m not a U of Chicago grad or anything, but 2 million dollars is NOT EIGHT FIGURES.
2,000,000 = SEVEN FIGURES!!!
Maybe it was 8 figures, if you include the .00 at the end of that number.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
OWNED!!!
Hey, lots of feminists ARE fat and ugly whores.
That's why they're feminists.
TDG,
“TM: Definitely. We've already got material in mind for three sequels,”
I know the titles already: The Fellowship of the Douche, The Two Douchebags and Return of the Douchebag.
----------------------
Brilliant wor k yet again mate. It's going to blow once this bombs and you retire, but I'm enjoying the ride.
The British Guy
“That's because in real life, no one has a complete transformation over the course of a week.”
Except for Nils Parker, who transforms into an even more fatter guy over the course of EACH week.
_____________________________________
TDG, your writing is consistently funny and focused, but every time you write a new entry, I'm following along with you, and all of a sudden you bring something that causes me to literally LOL. Tonight, this quote was that something. Great work as usual.
“The people who want to protest me or this movie need to go see the film before they pass judgment on it.”
Yes, you feminists should go to a premiere show, and then you can not only see for yourself how wrong you were about the movie, but you can stay after the show so Tucker Max can single you out of a crowd and tell you that HE IS NOT A MISOGONIST, BUT HOW YOU’RE ALSO A FAT AND UGLY WHORE.
=================
No fucking doubt.
TDG, this is some funny shit. You need your own blog.
This was some great stuff TDG. I agree with the above poster, you bring people right into the fray and then throw the deadly curve.
I also think you deserve your own blog. That or get a section on somebody elses blog.
Has this been analyzed?
"The movies opens September 25th, which is this Friday. Usually when a movie opens, it comes out on somewhere between 1000 and 3000 screens, all across the country. That is called a “wide” opening.
We are not doing that, we are doing what is called a “platform” or “limited” release. This means is that we open on a small number of screens the first weekend, then more the second, then if the movie does well, we go “wide” the third week and will be thousands of screens.
Here is our release plan:
Week 1 (Fri Sept 25 – Th Oct 1): 125 screens in about 85 cities
Week 2 (Fri Oct 2 – Th Oct 8): 300 screens in about 125 cities
Week 3 (Fri Oct 9 – onward): 2000+ screens covering every city
Why are we doing this?:
Two reasons:
1. Helps us build word of mouth: I have believed since day one we have a great movie that people will love, and the way to market great movies is to do it through word of mouth. Put it in front of people, let them see it, and have them tell their friends how much they liked it. That’s why we did the premiere tour. There is no better way to market quality, and by starting with a smaller release, it allows word of mouth to build and develop. This strategy has worked great with movies like “Slumdog Millionaire” and “Juno.”
2. Money: I have written about this before, but we are doing something very risky, but very remarkable if we pull it off: We are self-distributing this movie. We don’t have a studio paying for everything (and thus taking all the profits), which means we have to raise all the money necessary to book theaters, make prints, and pay for advertising, and that is very expensive. Just to give you an idea of what we’re working with, “The Hangover” had a pre-release P&A spend of 40 million. We have about 5 million. Quite frankly, we can’t afford to do a 2000 screen release off the bat, that would require money we don’t have. If the movie does well in it’s first weekend (which I fully expect), then raising more money to finance the wide release is easy; if not, then it will be very hard.
What theaters is the movie in THIS weekend?
I am going to have the full theater list for you by WEDNESDAY, but right now, here is the list of theaters where you can buy tickets online for either a Thursday midnight show or Friday tickets:
Why is this movie being advertised so heavily in certain cities if it is only going to open in 125 theatres? This movie is going to be a complete and utter failure!
I can't see the last page! WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS MICKEY MOUSE SHIT??
I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell
by Nick Schager
Posted: September 21, 2009
riven by puerile chauvinism and dim toilet humor, I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell distills to its essence the worst tendencies of The Hangover's bachelor party craziness. Based on one of the short stories featured in Tucker Max's book of the same name, Bob Gosse's film concerns Tucker (Matt Czuchry), a cheery boor whose uninhibited crassness is—in what can only be a frat guy's sexist fantasy—the key to his bedding willing women. After an intro in which Tucker is interrupted from screwing a deaf hottie by the cops and then publicly announces said feat to his college professor during class, the wannabe-shocking protagonist grabs engaged best friend Dan (Geoff Stults) and shut-in woman-hater Drew (Jesse Bradford) for a night of bachelor party debauchery at an out-of-town strip club. This escapade leads to all sorts of physical and legal trouble for Dan, an equally foul-mouthed Halo-playing stripper for Drew (she's the 21st century's version of a hooker with a heart of gold), and a gap-toothed, tattooed midget lover for Tucker.
Underlit and generally shot with an eye toward unattractiveness, Beer in Hell also goes for ugliness in its dialogue, which attempts comedy through a barrage of misogynistic comments like "I want to shoot these bitches" and "Your whole gender is hardwired for whoredom." Such desperate attempts to offend prove more pathetic than odious, but there is something intolerable about the script—after wantonly celebrating Tucker's nasty selfishness for the better part of an hour—resorting to a prolonged third act in which we're supposed to tolerate, however briefly, Tucker's maturation and process of asking for forgiveness from the friends he thoughtlessly screwed over. Then again, between the self-satisfaction of its dude raunch, the dullness of its redemption drama, and the crudeness of its fart and diarrhea-obsessed climactic plotting, there's actually a whole lot to loathe about Beer in Hell, a dreadfully unfunny film that manages to give piggish man-whores an even worse name.
sorry about the spam, computer locked up, didn't know it went through so many times
-not mccoy, normal hater, just sharing what was on rotten tomatoes as the first review
ROTTEN
Here is TRoerig2's (an IMDB Troll) RL info.
myspace page: http://www.myspace.com/terryscool
Dude, this guy is a tool, he's 34 in 2009 and still has a semi-mullet. I wonder if he'd let his daughter go out with Tucker.
BTW, he got banned from IMDB.
Hahahahaha. Here's his dad, a tea bagger no doubt.
http://www.myspace.com/golflinkit
Hahahahahahaha, here is some of TRoerig2's writing:
http://www.writing.com/main/view_item/item_id/1111372
Oh my God, this guy is awful. It's a shame he's been banned, I'd have loved to have confronted him with his own writing.
^^^
What was that mullet douche posting on imdb? Can't find any of his posts
"Oh my God, this guy is awful. It's a shame he's been banned, I'd have loved to have confronted him with his own writing."
It's horrifying that he has been allowed to procreate.
Also, my new catchphrase:
"Aw, poop…what the hell am I saying"
"What was that mullet douche posting on imdb? Can't find any of his posts"
He was banned. He's a moron.
Betcha Obama will like Tucker's movie.
Hey, he's been wrong about everything else!~~~
Tucktucks is so lying to himself.
By week 2, they may still be in the same 125, or at least claiming they are.
By week 3 it'll be gone.
Tucker casts: Summon Bigger Fish
You mean like hooking a bigger sucker?
Actually I can see how this is going to play out now. He's going to be the plucky outsider rolling it all on one throw of the dice. The audience - ok, his fans - watch breathlessly as they roll slower ... and slower ... How are the numbers coming in? First week wasn't so good, all the people who wanted to see it already went to a premiere, it's just random handfuls of people who'll pay for anything now. Will Our Hero make it big? The dice slow, hang for a moment on one edge ... it's the second week, how are the ticket sales? Even worse, even worse, a lot of theaters aren't bothering with it because - because the snowball effect isn't quite there yet! That's the answer, it just needs a little more time for exposure. Our Hero pleads with the evil money-grubbers to give his art one more chance, just to let it LIVE the way it wants to, c'mon, it's struggling, it's nearly there ... The dice stop. Snakeeyes! Nooooo! They didn't quite get enough word of mouth. The evil money-grubbers killed the beautiful baby aborning. Third week is full retreat. The marvelous filmographic masterpiece disappears. Our Hero takes stock of his situation with his loyal followers who Still Believe. He's still figuring out what he could've done better, but it's very clear the stranglehold of the Dead Corporate Fossils is still just a little stronger than he thought it might be, and that's the reason why the movie couldn't quite make it out the gate. Our Hero did everything right but was ambushed by evil money-grubbers. BUT NOT TO WORRY! Our Hero has a PLAN! And THIS is going to be the MOST AMAZING ONE YET! Just trust him. It'll be great.
TDG wrote:
“TM: There's a high correlation between success and exposure.”
There’s also a high correlation between having that exposure include the words “rape culture” and success or lack thereof.
No doubt. They can't change the narrative back to what a simple "guys being guys" style comedy when the word "rape" is included.
@11:56 - first poaster - right on
good predictions
Tucker Max Lies About Totally Inconsequential Thing
http://gawker.com/5365060/tucker-max-lies-about-totally-inconsequential-thing
whats really funny about this is gawker is filled with/run by gay hipsters. and even they are making fun of his lisp.
RheaPollstry
11:50 AM
"Like I would write to Gawker, be seriousssss."
Tucker could've been a great man.
A GREAT MAN.
Instead ...
He's Tucker.
What's the cut-off at Rotten Tomatoes to be given an actual percentage rating? Ten mainstream reviews? Tucker's got one so far. I look forward to the critical reaming IHTSBIH will receive.
If Tugger's movie only sells $1 million in tickets, how much money will Tugger actually see in royalties from Darko?
If Darko invested $12 million into this of piece, I assume that Tugger's movie is going to have to sell more than $20 million (or more), after payments to movie theaters are subtracted from the total box office amount.
Tugger should have taken the lump sum amount that he has claimed was offered to him and walked away from the steaming pile of shit.
ok, so i did a google search for "i hope they serve beer in hell cam torrent" and some things came, this one in particular:
http://www.torrentreactor.net/torrents/3401971/I-Hope-They-Serve-Beer-in-Hell-%282009%29CAM-CLEAR-COPY-HQ-HAPPY
can anyone confirm this is the real deal???
fuck it, downloading it anyway. will report back with results in a coupla hours.
Probably the best reason for doing what we do:
by danielrand 59 minutes ago (Tue Sep 22 2009 17:22:36)
"Others do not. If you do not want to see this movie, why not just go away? Why continue to post here? "
Because there is plenty of misinformation coming from the TMMB, and many of us feel it necessary to counter the propaganda from Tucker and his fans. If you believe what you've heard from Tucker and his camp, this movie is going to blow the system of Hollywood up and revolutionize both film and comedy as well. Having seen the movie, I can freely say that this is simply not true. I think there is a need for people to tell the honest truth (good or bad) about the movie so long as it's "honest".
A huge part of being a douche bag is convincing yourself that you're intelligent, important and people actually care what you have to say. You know the scene in Empire Strikes Back when Chewbacca is getting totured with loud noises?
That's what it's like watching 30 seconds of I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell.
DO. NOT.
speak of Empire Strikes Back in the same breath as Otto's masterpiece
that's an order
going to take a shower now ... ugh
About the "Beer in Hell" torrent, it's fake. If you open it in Windows Media Player, it requests a codec. It's probably designed to trick people into downloading a virus-codec. Fortunately, I opened it, though incomplete, in VLC Player, so I caught it. The dead giveaway is that it opens with the Universal Studios intro, and Universal Studios has nothing to do with the movie. Avoid it.
+1
ty
oh christ, I was listening to Stern on Sirius today and heard an ad for this movie.
btw, the rate card for Sirius is extremely cheap nowadays.....just goes to show how they are spending their ad dollars...
not to mention the fact that I finally saw a billboard for the movie in Bensenville, IL.....right near a hub where truckers go to fill up their rigs. FAIL.
I can't help but notice that as the film moves closer and closer to epic fail, Tucker is starting to blame people; He said Nils is 100% responsible for the red band trailer and today he said in an interview 'I put my trust in Bob Gosse. I can only hope he can deliver where I would have had I been allowed to direct it.'
But he does take credit for three aspects of the film that look like they are right on track:
1) A 25,000,000 opening weekend
2) Easily beating 'The Hangover'
3) Changing the way Hollywood makes movies ('One little film..')
4) Art
5) Best Comedy in 10 YEARS
6) Matt ZZUKCHRHSY A HOUSEHOLD NAME
7) PRIVATE JETs
8) Art
9) Most quoteable film of the last decade
10) it's never been about the money
P.S. (PRIVATE JETS. JUST LIKE VAN GOUGH)
If the actors in "I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell" ever become big stars, I bet they openly disparage this blip on their resumes in a couple years. They'll probably concede that Tucker was a total dick and that the script sucked.
This is a good review:
http://www.eastbayexpress.com/movies/splinters_and_skid_marks/Content?oid=1199056
The relevant part is:
"Trouble is a relative thing. Guillermo Arriaga and his characters might be spread a little too thinly over the desert, but The Burning Plain looks like Children of Paradise alongside I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell.
The title should prepare us for the worst, but in fact no warning adequately braces us for our dip into the sphere of one Tucker Max (Matt Czuchry), a Virginia collegiate party guy whose main occupation, aside from binge drinking and leading his friends astray, is to have sex with as many disabled women as he can — he keeps a mental tally. The film is a series of variations on that, uh, theme, and you can rest assured that director Bob Gosse, working from a screenplay by real-life blogger and author Max (IHopeTheyServeBeerinHell.com), sets out to top every young-adult-male screen gross-out that went before — from casual barroom insults to flaming Dr. Pepper shooters (remember, it's set in the South) to little-people shagging to dripping diarrhea close-ups.
A case could be made for the film as a radical assault on tastefulness. It will probably sell tickets in college towns, and the home video market could be robust. But in the end we have to acknowledge that I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell is a worthless piece of crap. A turd with pretensions is still a turd. One of its biggest failings is that, in spite of all the irreverence and gleeful puke that went before, the last reel finds Max making a maudlin speech at his best friend's wedding, seeking redemption after confessing that "someone else always cleans up my messes." What a pussy. Do you think Antonin Artaud begged forgiveness? Do you see Too $hort or Mick Jagger mewling and groveling for approbation? Next month someone will put out a brand-new gross-out Guy Flick that erases I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell's last shred of relevance. But you and I won't see it. And Tucker Max will finally become a corporate attorney for the small-arms manufacturing industry."
"If Tugger's movie only sells $1 million in tickets, how much money will Tugger actually see in royalties from Darko?"
About zero dollars.
"If Darko invested $12 million into this of piece, I assume that Tugger's movie is going to have to sell more than $20 million (or more), after payments to movie theaters are subtracted from the total box office amount."
Well it's not Darko, but Darko's investors that will be feeling pretty uncomfortable at the moment. They will get their money back first when it comes to DVD sales. With a $1million theatrical gross, Tucker walks away with nothing.
8:18, i did the same thing. i opened it in vlc when it got to about 7.5% then deleted it after the "universal" logo
i'm sure something will pop up over the weekend
I found a clip from the movie, wow not funny at all.
Check it out before they sue youtube into deleting it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yu_moia-oVI
Dumbass. I haven't fallen for that in a while
To the rick-roller:
Fuck your mother nigga! FUCK YOUR MOTHER!!!!
Evolution of a Catch Phrase
"Hilarity ensues" circa 2003 -----> never heard that before, kinda cool phrase, let's see what happens
"Hilarity ensues" circa 2005 -----> damn fanboys, saying things when they don't even know the backstory
"Hilarity ensues" circa 2007 -----> what a fucking bunch of losers, all of them, good God, it's just not funny anymore
"Hilarity ensues" circa 2009 -----> Tucker definitely revolutionized something, namely, the meaning of his catchphrase... now more closely defining the epic buildup to an almost certain moviefail, Hilarity has ensued as he haterz (w/Gawker on board) dissected every lie, mistruth, and bullshit utterance of Tucker
Who is the bigger dumbass, the dumbass, or the dumbass who falls for his dumbassery?
"Hilarity ensues" circa 2003 -----> never heard that before,
You're kidding, right?
2009: Tucker claims to have invented phrase "Hilarity ensues" - hilarity ensues.
I'm going out on a limb here and say that IHTSBIH has the potential to get a 0% on RT. The best part about this is that we're about to be carpet bombed with a plethora of great quotes from film critics who review the movie.
The movie won't make much of a dent in populat culture, but it has the potential for a bunch of Razzie nominations.
Why, why, why, why would they let this guy do press for the film? Where are the actors? Where is the director?
"I'm going out on a limb here and say that IHTSBIH has the potential to get a 0% on RT."
If "All About Steve" got a 7%...then IHTSBIH can easily go lower than that.
And on the deal. Tucker is first money in, last money out on this deal. Investors are last money in, first money out.
I'm almost 100% sure he gets nothing until everyone else is paid.
"The best part about this is that we're about to be carpet bombed with a plethora of great quotes from film critics who review the movie."
Oh it's already starting. 2 Reviews so far on Rotten Tomatoes, both have had some memorable lines to describe the utter failure of the movie.
"Why, why, why, why would they let this guy do press for the film? Where are the actors? Where is the director?"
Where are they? Getting as far away from this as possible, that's where. And who can blame them?
Except for Pratt the Prat, apparently.
"I'm almost 100% sure he gets nothing until everyone else is paid."
Betcha the money he put in came at least in pat, possibly in large part, from bank loans. Possibly credit card debt. Which means - particularly given the state of the banking sector right now and the ever increasing likelihood that they will start needing to scrape up whatever cash they can from whatever loans they can squeeze - that he's going to be between a rock and a very hard place. A Clucker Tax bankruptcy in 2010 - possibly leading to the liquidation of Rudius and the end of tuckermax.com - is not out of the question.
Tucker has a makeup artisit in his entourage? Watch the G4 interview.
I'm not making this up.
Notice his new clothes?
Tucker max travels with a stylist.
Yeah. It's getting this weird.
Inflatable head. He's so sure he's made it, he thinks he has to start acting like a Hollywood star. That means he's gotta have his "people", y'know. Has he said "have your people call my people" yet?
The vortex of self-destructive wishful thinking feeds on itself. They better not plan on those gigs being long term.
So Tucker claims this is him receiving a blowjob from an x-ray technician? http://www.break.com/usercontent/2009/8/tucker-max-sex-ray-1105865.html
If that is him, he probably has cancer from all of the x-rays he received. The technician was probably a dude!
I remember his "we got a back end deal like no one ever has"
No...you got a deal where the distributor shafts you, the theater shafts you, the DVD distributor shafts you, and even Darko shafts you (which is bad considering they could be on the losing end) and then when they are done raping you, you may get to put your clothes back on.
Indies never take back end deals because they never, ever get paid.
SOYHBHFY
Nicolas Cage has one assistant.
Leonardo DiCarprio has one assistant.
Jack Nicholson has one assitant, the same woman he has had for over 20 years.
Tucker Max has three assistants. Ian Claudius, Charlie Hoehn and Jeff Waldman.
Three assistants, AND now he has a stylist and a publicist, plus TWO interns.
Tucker Max has 7 people following him around listeing to his outrageous nonsense.
14 eyeballs rolling in their skulls 24/7.
Those assistants are nothing but wannabe douchebags who chose to buy into his nonsense in a pathetic attempt to further their own distorted sense of self-worth.
I have NO pity for any of those assholes.
Charlie Hoehn-O is a fucking idiot.
Here's a guy who is giving advice on "how to" do something while he has NEVER EVER BEEN PAID TO DO WHAT HE'S TELLING PEOPLE "HOW TO".
Wow, he wrote an eBook that other people who never made a dime in their chosen profession and also have their own "how to" websites are telling him what a genius he is.
It's like there is this club of unemployed people on the web writing books on how to become successful. Funny thing is, they all seem to look up to Tucker Max.
cptblood wrote on the TMMB:
"Tuckers popularity is growing and it seems to me inevitable that at some point a lunatic is going to do something crazy and blame his writing. It also seems logical to assume that however disassociated from the crimeTuckers writing might be in reality, he will still have to go through the painful process of asking himself “If I hadn’t written that, would X still be alive”
It’s a horrible, terrible thing for an artist to face and I can guarantee that when it happens ( if it hasn’t happened already ) His thought process will be a little more complex than “of course it’s not my fault, retard”
The people protesting the movie and the adverts are wrong. Tucker Max isn’t deliberately promoting “rape culture” No one in their right mind would think he was. But on the other hand Tucker fully acknowledges that some of his audience are not in their right mind and the chances that something that he says will cause someone to do something unhinged are pretty high. Sure, if it wasn’t his advert or his film then it would probably be someone else’s but if it happens, it will be his book or his film and that’s when personal responsibility becomes a difficult issue.
I guess my main question is this. Tucker. when someone rapes a girl and blames you how will you respond ?"
He was polite and it is a legitimate question. He was banned for asking it. I mean, Tucker takes credit for a lot of stuff other people do. For example: he tried to take credit in an underhanded way that Geoff Stults and Matt Whocry are on television shows following their awesome performances in IHTSBIH.
Since he takes credit for "making them famous", why doesn't he take credit for when something bad happens? Like, if somebody at say a college campus (lets say UConn) gets drunk and sneaks into a girls room and rapes that girl while she sleeps. Let's say this douche is a HUGE Tucker Max fan. Shouldn't Tucker take credit for it then? I mean, if this guy did something GREAT, like say he cured cancer, you can bet that Tucker would say how 1) he was a HUGE fan of Tucker 2) how his writing helped him cure cancer.
Anyway, to answer the question that CptBlood posed, I think Tucker would have a mental collapse and retreat into an even worse drinking problem. He would find some lonely woman somewhere and help her run a video rental shop. Then one night he'd get wasted drunk and get beaten up by some idiots (some wearing a IHTSBIH shirt) until he is saved by a homeless person who has delusions that he's a knight. Tucker would then find out that the homeless guy was once normal, but a drunk guy raped his wife after seeing IHTSBIH, and he would then help him on his quest to retrieve "the Holy Grail" from Donald Trump's townhouse.
-TDG
According to this article, Tugger claims that he will need the movie to break $30 million before he sees a cent. So I guess this movie is going to be a huge net loss for Tugger!
http://nymag.com/daily/entertainment/2009/09/is_tucker_max_the_next_tyler_p.html
http://gothamist.com/2009/09/21/tucker_max.php
"It's like there is this club of unemployed people on the web writing books on how to become successful. Funny thing is, they all seem to look up to Tucker Max."
Holy shit, dude, no joke. Charlie Hoehn, Ryann Holiday, even Tucker, who acts like he knows more about anything than anyone- who the fuck ARE these people , and where do they get this ridiculous sense of entitlement from?
http://gothamist.com/2009/09/21/tucker_max.php
ahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
Charlie Hoehn is fascinatingly stupid. He's doing the exact same thing with his personal life that all the dot-coms did in the late 90s - burn tons of money showing how cool and valuable you are and expect that this means people will magically start giving you even more money. It don't work that way. Only a kid who's never had to take responsibility for himself in a recession could be this wildly out of touch.
Well, he'll learn.
It's pretty fascinating how time for Tucker and those in his orbit seems to have stopped, at the latest, in 2003. All the outdated jokes, business/marketing strategies from the late 90s . . . and yet he claims to be such a cutting-edge economic and stategic thinker. Kind of cute, really, in the sense a retarded child is cute.
Hate to break it to you guys but Entertainment Weekly just gave IHTSBIH a B+
Eat that!
http://www.ew.com/ew/article/0,,20307607,00.html
It was so hijinxy and shit.
To put things in context regarding the EW review.
Owen Gleiberman was the only reviewer that gave Epic Movie a "Fresh" rating on Rotten Tomatoes
"Eat that!"
I'll be sticking with the Rotten Tomatoes average rating from critics.
Almost all the paper/media reviews of the film from entertainment sources have been bad.
That is pretty interesting. I wonder what the reaction from EW readers is going to be.
From Wikipedia:
"On the film review website Rotten Tomatoes, Gleibermann agrees with the Tomatometer (proportion of critics who label the movie "fresh" or "rotten") 74% of the time.[2] The most notable film that Gleiberman has not agreed with the Tomatometer on is Epic Movie. He was the single critic out of a total of 57 to label the movie as "fresh", thus preventing it from receiving an overall "fresh" rating of 0%. The movie is currently listed with a rating of 2%.[3] This led to numerous mocking, sometimes abusive posts on comment pages of Rotten Tomatoes and Entertainment Weekly; some called for an end to his career as a critic.[4][5]
A similar episode was his single-paragraph review describing Let the Right One In as a "Swedish head-scratcher that has a few creepy images but very little holding them together."[6] It was the only review preventing that film from receiving a 100% "fresh" rating, and prompted derision from reviewers who doubted that Gleiberman had watched the film."
When all is said and done the RT meter will be in to 70-80% fresh. The film is on track to do a 3mil+ first weekend. Tucker might be an ass but he's no dummy.
http://www.askmen.com/entertainment/movie/i-hope-they-serve-beer-in-hell.html
Dont worry retarded Tucker apologist, his audience is 1/2 women, right?
From AskMen
THE AM TAKE
Pub. 2009-09-25
Made up of strung-together stories from Tucker Max’s best-selling book of the same name, I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell is a painfully unfunny celebration of dim misogyny and unabashed narcissism. Matt Czuchry plays Tucker as he ropes his best friends Dan (Geoff Stults) and Drew (Jesse Bradford) into an impromptu road trip to a “legendary” strip club with a lax touching policy for Dan’s bachelor party. But when Tucker’s selfishness lands Dan in hot water with both his fiancée and the cops, he finds himself "disinvited" to his friend’s wedding and is forced to learn a lesson about friendship -- kind of.
CRITICAL APPEAL
A measure of this movie's critical reception
AskMen.com score: 33
With its insult-based humor and equally unimaginative plotting, I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell is exactly the sort of movie critics were born to pan. And Max, who cowrote the script and -- despite a nonexistent film background -- reportedly issued commands to director Bob Gosse and his actors on how to shoot the low-budget film, seems to have intentionally set out to court just such a reaction. But the film’s deliberately offensive dialogue (which ranges from mildly clever wordplay to disturbingly violent invective against women) fails to shock on anything close to the intended level.
By attempting to pass as “comedy,” it offends notions of good humor more than good taste. This is made all the more pathetic by Beer in Hell’s repeated insistence that this anti-social behavior somehow represents “charm.” Of course, it doesn’t help that what constitutes Beer in Hell’s narrative arc is a string of people walking away from Tucker in disbelief until eventually even his friends can no longer stand what an asshole he is.
And with a climax that hinges on a bout of chemically induced diarrhea -- a gag explicitly ripped from the infinitely superior Wedding Crashers -- Beer in Hell is almost as aggressively derivative as it is unfunny.
RATED SIMILARLY
Friday the 13th35
Jennifer's Body35
Pride and Glory34
The Proposal 34
Seven Pounds33
The Limits Of Control32
GUY APPEAL
A measure of this movie's appeal to men
AskMen.com score: 31
Seemingly predicated on the belief that deep down every guy just wants to be him, Max’s Beer in Hell doesn’t feature many redeeming qualities for any guy who doesn’t share his belief that all women are either “whores” or “sluts.” This brand of pointless sexism masquerading as masculinity is a seriously tired act, and with a plot built entirely for the purpose of Max’s own self-aggrandizement, it’s hard to understand why Beer in Hell would appeal to anyone not named Tucker Max.
Utterly devoid of any of the laughs of this year’s other bachelor party comedy The Hangover, Beer in Hell is made all the more intolerable by its obvious self-satisfaction, and Czuchry’s unflagging confidence as Tucker merely comes across as pathological. Sure, there’s the requisite nudity of the genre -- along with strippers and sex scenes and excessive drinking -- but somehow none of it manages to be any fun. The cinematic equivalent of drinking alone, Beer in Hell may seem like a good idea on paper, but it only takes a few minutes to realize it’s just kind of sad.
Only a kid who's never had to take responsibility for himself in a recession could be this wildly out of touch.
Well, he'll learn.
9/23/2009 12:51 PM
Yeah. I'm sure as he cruises around followed by assistants and stylists, getting laid and living life he will take a quick moment to cry into his pillow. Life is short and Tucker is obviously having fun. The only thing you folks do is try to make this a moral issue. Which is such a pussy pansy ass road to take. *whine* Oh but its not art. *whine* He's morally bereft. *whine* Maybe you guys should kick back and watch Lifetime Channel with your mom. You could discuss feelings and your heavy flow. You fags sit back and be critical and revel in it. Where's the triumph in that? Personally I hope dude makes lots of cash. But even if he doesn't he is obviously having the time of his life. Tempes fugit, faggots. Drop the self-righteous hater routine and get out there and do something.
^^^^^^
Yeah dude, we're all that and a bag of chips, but at least we're not some easily led douchebag being led to believe that something like IHTSBIH is art by an even bigger douchebag who usually has the word "RAPE" bandied around his name.
Have fun in your small niche.
"When all is said and done the RT meter will be in to 70-80% fresh. The film is on track to do a 3mil+ first weekend. Tucker might be an ass but he's no dummy.
9/23/2009 2:10 PM"
repoasting this repeatedly for posterity because i wanna see just how closely or how badly this prediction pans out
Apparently, Tucker is bad in bed.
http://www.lemondrop.com/2009/09/23/i-slept-with-tucker-max-the-internets-biggest/
"When all is said and done the RT meter will be in to 70-80% fresh. The film is on track to do a 3mil+ first weekend. Tucker might be an ass but he's no dummy."
http://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/i_hope_they_serve_beer_in_hell/
So far it's 29%. We will see...but I don't think it's turning. Generally these start off on the approximate track after 5 reviews, which is when they start posting the rating.
"Which is such a pussy pansy ass road to take. *whine* Oh but its not art. *whine* He's morally bereft. *whine* Maybe you guys should kick back and watch Lifetime Channel with your mom."
Tucker is the only one whining lately. Didn't you see his piece where he's "fed up" and "not going to take it anymore" he's whining like a little bitch.
He said he was "putting the media on notice" ahahahahahahahahahahah
"The film is on track to do a 3mil+ first weekend."
3 million / 100 Theaters = 30,000 per theater...I mean of course it can do that.
He was also talking about Charlie O not knowing anything
^^^^
Not Tucker. So great response.
What strikes me about every fucking video I see of Tucker Max, whether it be an interview, or speech, or whatever, is how fidgety and unconfident his body language is. Far cry from the guy in his stories. And he always claims to have a quick one-liner when he recounts events in his stories/message board, so in all the footage there is of him on the internet, how come you never see him snap off a decent joke?
I have met the woman of my dreams:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fmHN3JtyUXg
I need to meet her so she can deconstruct my junk.
-TDG
Tucker’s a perfect hero for fratboys!
They need a hero
They’re holding out for a hero who understands their plight
He's gotta be wrong
And he's gotta be trashed
And he's gotta chug warm Natty Light
They need a hero
They’re holding out for a hero while they wank all night
They gotta get girls
Cause bro they love poon
And their hands have gone numb from the strife
FAME!!!
Check out the LA screening video. At about 3:35 there is a (lone - even the protesters are bored with this) protester wearing a sandwich board that says
"Every time Tucker Max says art, a baby dies of aids"
Tuckermasisadouchbag.com goes Hollywood!
A fun new Tucker Max quote:
"I have never lied to or deceived my fans, and I am not about to start now."
TDG@7:45 -
That Russian accent is sooooo hot.
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