The story below was copied from a
Facebook.com account. A link to this story in the comments to an older post awhile ago.
Tucker Max's face, meet Megan ******'s hand
Megan was discussing ball shaving with a nice man at a tailgate. Good start to this story;) NE ways, Tucker Max was also at the tailgate and started talking shit to Megan (he obviously thought she was a hot girl who would sleep w/ him if acted like an asshole, and he was showing off in front of his buddies). Megan hit him on the arm, and he said that meant Megan wanted to fuck him because if she hit him in the face, then he'd know she was mad. She then dissed his elastic waistband (yes, he was wearing elastic waistband shorts, what is he, 12?), and he said "its so stupid bitch whores like you can suck my dick without any confusion." So she slapped him in the face!!!
Tucker threw his drink at her, Candice threw her drink at Tucker with lightning fast reflexes, then he proceeded to grab Megan by her hair and hit her in the face with his pathetically small hands. With a bruised face, and a bruised ego, he took his shriveled penis back to his buddies.
In Tucker Max's own words, "My name is Tucker Max, and I am an asshole." Oh, and he hits girls.
15,917 comments:
«Oldest ‹Older 801 – 1000 of 15917 Newer› Newest»Baylor is cow shit. I'd be ashamed to apply a school ranked that poorly. You may smear Tucker, but at least he attended elite schools.
Everybody on the internets is a Harvard grad. Uh-huh, yeah right shitbrains. Back to community college with yer asses.
thizzle abizzle tizzle.
Baylor's a good school.
saying baylor is a good school is like saying the think about tucker guy is not a gigantic douchebag
Yeah well, Baylor's not great I guess. I mean the undergrad business program is only ranked 38th (in the nation) by businessweek this year (2007). While the MBA program ranked a dismal 73rd. The Princeton review included it in the Top 80 Business schools in America in "The Princeton Review".
Good Lord, you're actually celebrating such mediocrity?
Think about Tucker. It'll reduce your feelings of inferiority.
I wonder where these critics went to school? Do they not realize how many universities there are in the United States? Do they not realize that 25th out of, like, 400, is really good? I'm sure they all went to Ivy League schools.
Yeah Baylor guy, explain yourself. You say its ranked 25th out of private schools in the nation. Well how many private schools are in the nation? Like 50? So its only half as good as the others!
And the MBA program, which you took part in, is 73rd!! BWAHAHAA!! There is probably only like 80 MBA programs in the country. 73rd sucks!
"What does tucker have? A ghetto house? No car. People hanging on to him Equals a BIG ZERO.
Tucker in the imortal words of "Pink Floyd" "Try to run but, to catch up with sun because it's sinking to some how come up behind you again" Your done, you suck, and your sinking!"
Using Floyd to hate is Blasphemy
Who gives a shit about Baylor? You guys are getting off topic.
So what happened to Tucker's TV pilot? Was it completely abandoned, just like we all predicted?
Tucker Max is clearly a higher form of deity and you are all jealous of his amazing genius.
Think about it: he has tons of girls throwing themselves at him for sex and guys worshipping him like a God, and for what? For posting online a bunch of stories about him puking himself and shitting his pants.
Could you post a blog about how you shit your pants and have girls ask you to fly to their hometown to take their virginity? This is clearly an inhuman power we are dealing with, hating such skill is pointless.
Why not start a hate site for other douchebags, like Kato Kaelin?
kato kaelin... his 15 minutes were up 10 years ago. $5 says he'll be a rudius blogger before the year is over.
tucker likes to talk about being a bestselling author. What he doesn't like to mention is the quaifiers: paperback non fiction (snicker).
Look at this list. Have you heard of *any* of those other books? paperback nonfiction is a graveyard of shit.
I know I'VE always been one to snicker at paperback nonfiction!
The guys in here who are desperately trying to keep the inane hate in order are the funniest. "Hey you guys are off topic!! It's Tucker we are talking about! TUCKER! TUCKER! TUCKER!
Think about Tucker.
It'll help you forget Baylor, the 78th best program rated out of 80.
Out of 80 huh?
You're a real genius. I wrote that post making fun of Baylor, you sniveling fuck. In the guise of someone who doesn't know shit about how many MBA programs there are out there. You fell for it like the left-of-the-bell-curve halfwit that you are. Your inferior genetics sicken me.
Kill Yourself.
After The Think About Tucker Guy had typed up his eugenics-inspired rant, he leaned back in his chair, folded his arms across his chest, and sighed with contented satisfaction at his handiwork. His left hand slid down to touch his shriveled cock as visions of Adolf Hitler danced through his head, and he clicked the "Publish Your Comment" button, knowing that his post would finally capture some of the attention his parents were too negligent to give. Yes, all was good in Waco, Texas.
^^^ LOL! Finally some wit and decent writing. Just when I thought everyone in here was half braindead .
Think about Baylor. Think about the plight of lonely farmers, in the company of female sheep. Then get out the astroglide, and ask yourself, "What would Tucker do?".
Tucker is more of a pig fucker
Robert Greene consistently gets zero comments on his blog.
Tucker thinks Rudius is going to revolutionize media. Someone should tell him to get some good content.
wow u loosers have kept this single blog post going since march.
get a fuckin life and get out of ur parents basements, enjoy ur summer loosers!
"wow u loosers have kept this single blog post going since march.
get a fuckin life and get out of ur parents basements, enjoy ur summer loosers!"
OK, we know that Tucker et. all pay close attention to this blog, but I think a lot of the comments like the one above are just posted by people like the "Think About Tucker" guy who just get off on being obnoxious. Yawn.
fukin douche
Think about tucker guy here. I want to apologize to everybody. I thought tucker max was cool and wanted to be cool like him. So I started getting shitfaced drunk and fucking fat, ugly girls. That was a total fucking blast for a while, but I've finally realized that I'm an alcoholic and my life is pure shit.
I don't want to be that guy in his mid 30s that still thinks he's 21. I don't want to be that guy at a bar telling stories about the time he was kicked out of McDonalds for pissing his pants. I don't want to be that guy with a beer gut trying to fuck dimwitted 18 year old girls. I don't want to be tucker max.
keep thinking about tucker when trying not to be tucker.
Anonymous said...
Think about tucker guy here. I want to apologize to everybody. I thought tucker max was cool and wanted to be cool like him. So I started getting shitfaced drunk and fucking fat, ugly girls. That was a total fucking blast for a while, but I've finally realized that I'm an alcoholic and my life is pure shit.
I don't want to be that guy in his mid 30s that still thinks he's 21. I don't want to be that guy at a bar telling stories about the time he was kicked out of McDonalds for pissing his pants. I don't want to be that guy with a beer gut trying to fuck dimwitted 18 year old girls. I don't want to be tucker max.
7/25/2007 6:09 PM
You don't write anything like me. BTW, I made it painfully clear in previous posts that I am not a Tucker fan. You still haven't gotten what the point of the posts were, have you? F for the semester.
After The Think About Tucker Guy had given out a grade to a commenter on the "Tucker Max Is A Douchebag" blog, he pushed up his glasses with his index finger and hiked up his shorts. He tried to resist, but he couldn't stop himself from imagining what it would be like to really be a teacher, instead of just pretend to be one on the internet. Then he returned to the homework his professor at Baylor assigned him.
Not that ít's a bad thing, but am I the only one who noticed that nothing Rudius-related, aside from the message board, has been updated in almost two weeks? For a company that thrives on innovative content...this is embarassing.
Trixie has.
Judd Trichter has.
Drinking for two has.
Daddy Don't Hit me has.
Think about BCWoods.
PS--I was hoping to announce my next big project by ComicCon, but its going to take at least another month to get this finished. I know I haven't been posting much, but there is a reason, and I'll tell you why soon.
I know! because some of your sycophant cocksuckers still remember your last project. Maybe in a month they'll have forgotten all about your previous failures.
Think about Paul Levinson.
BIG things are always happening with Tucker. But he can't actually tell us what they are right now. But don't worry, in one/two/six/a billion months he PROMISES he will reveal how he is about to completely revolutionize the entertainment industry. Just wait. Please!! Don't go, Tucker promises it will be awesome, more awesomer than anything in the history of man!!!! Better even that JAMIE KENNEDY!!!
Exactly 8:17. Tucker has been promising a rebuttal to all his criticism for over a year now, and I know first hand that he is aware of this site. I can understand that he might be too busy to address these kind of things, but he's an active poster in the forums. If you have time to do that, you have time to fight back.
And I'll throw down the bet right now: the "announcement" that was supposed to come at ComiCon will never happen, and that blog entry will be disappeared.
Tucker always talks about how he financed his escapades throughout law school with student loans that he never payed back. I'm a bit curious as to how this works. Usually with a student loan you need to have either a.) a cosigner or b.) an income above a certain relatively high threshold, an employment history and a good credit history. So either he was getting paid a fuckload of money to manage Daddy's restaurants, he totally stiffed his parents, or he never really had any loans and was just living large off the parental teat.
The scholarship to Duke argument holds no water either; it was a partial scholarship, probably a pittance in the grand scheme of things.
^
At the better schools (which doesn't include a shit hole like Baylor), partial scholarships are frequently awarded on need rather than merit. That might be the clue: He simply stated he didn't receive money from mommy or daddy (employment is a loop hole), which means he'd qualify for non cosigned loans in the same package.
So Tucker never paid back his student loans?
What a fucking bastard. Thanks for screwing over the taxpayer, cocksucker. Like the world needed another reason to hate this sack of shit.
How many times has Tucker said "just you wait", only to keep his audience waiting?
Let's see:
The Tucker Max TV Show, which at this time is dead in the water, there's not even a blurb about it on IMDB, and they're known to be ahead of the curve when it comes to announcing TV shows even when they are in pilot stages.
I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell (the movie): Supposedly Tucker has raised money for the movie, enough so that he could definitely go to a casting agent now, show them they have 7 figures in the bank, and cast the film in order to raise the rest his budget. First off, the budget he's speaking about shooting it on is way more than needed, and anybody around him telling him differently is bullshitting him or using him so they can get paid from a bigger budget film.
I have my doubts about his film anyway. There's going to be problems cohesion in his script. I admit the ending of his book is perfect, but really, I don't think people are going to connect with some spoiled rich kid who puts down most everybody around him. Sure, some of his one-liners are funny, but I'm going to say that most of the movie going audience are the kind of people Tucker makes fun of.
I can't imagine how he's going to take a bunch of mismatched short stories and come up with a coherent script. He's just not that good of a writer (also inexperienced at screenwriting, which might not be a minus), and he's way too close to the source material (which I'd imagine was a major problem with him writing the script). On top of it all, Tucker is basically still an unknown in Hollywood. Maybe 3-4% of Hollywood knows who he is, and that's because he's had his name in Variety (a long time ago). Hollywood is a town where you have to hit the iron while it's hot, and right now they're becoming ice cold.
He's got about another few months before his new book comes out. As somebody mentioned before, he doesn't have the benefit of a Ms. Vermont, or a Anthony "who the fuck cares" Dimeo. What? Is he going to have a chapter of his new book on how he had an online throwdown with that idiot who hates the military? Or how he's gotten famous and now fucks more women (low rent literary groupies) ?
Tucker's new "Stories" are awful. He ran out of steam somewhere along the road and is now a literary freakshow. I'm sure he will get his fanboys excited, telling them that it's "the best book ever". Of course his TV show was going to be the "best, most innovated show ever to hit the small screen." and his movie is going to revolutionize Hollywood, and the best part is, his die-hard fans are going to be back for more and more. You can fool some of the people all of the time.
I think the only way that Tucker can become relevent again is if he comes out as a gay man in his next book, and that the entire "Tucker Max" story thing was a clever rouse that he did on a bet with his lesbian friend Erin Tyler, and the whole thing went a little too far. He could then go on to say how it's a shame how a guy who can routinely lie and browbeat his own fans has been idolized by them, but he's going back to screwing men again, and that his next book will be something like "The Real Tucker Max Stories: The Anal Years".
The best part about a book like that, I'm sure some of his fans would start sucking cock just to be like their hero.
it's pretty clear that he wasn't capable of writing half an hour (22 minutes after commercials) of comedy for a tv show. Can he stretch a story about shitting his pants in hotel lobby into 90 minutes? I doubt it. His dialog is weak and unnatural. He can keep it minimized in his stories but it's an important part in a movie (especially a small budget movie).
I do have an honest suggestion for Tucker (we both know you're reading this): porn. Your stories would translate well to a funny, watchable, porno with a plot.
Think about Tucker. Think about his man boobs bouncing around hypnotically as he pounds my ass. Think about the way he laughs when I ask for a reach around. "Dude, that's gay." Think about Tucker. I know I do.
the comments here are just gross.
what the hell is wrong with you people.
like tucker or not, what is with the obsession with his fucking body, jesus christ.
this entire comment thread reads like homoerotic fanboy fiction, and apparently you guys are the "haters". wow.
The problem with Tucker's writing is Tucker. The poster who mentioned that Tucker was too close to the source material was right. In terms of comedy, his ego won't let him present a character that we can both laugh along, and laugh at. In terms of development, it is exceedingly tough to present a sympathetic character, given his privileged background and attitude. His medium is over the Internet, not broadcast television or movie theaters. His appeal is too narrow to fill a theater, or register on a Nielsen rating. Given the limits of the Tucker experience, I cannot fathom him launching a cable series. It is hard to find new material when you don't really have a life.
That's your future, Tucker. It is your website, not Hollywood.
Here's some free business advice Tucker: Try to do something about your website popularity, it appears that it has stagnated. If you can't revive traffic, market yourself to Hollywood in the early Fall, as there appears to be some seasonality to your ratings (I would presume it is attributable to boys being forced back into the homework cycle every September). As an Internet personality (as you call yourself), your popularity is definitely on the wane.
Shocker: even Tucker hates his idiot fans. http://messageboard.tuckermax.com/showpost.php?p=496430&postcount=70
He's been boasting about being invited to ComiCon for more than two weeks now, and as soon as he showed up, he disappeared.
"I do have an honest suggestion for Tucker (we both know you're reading this)"
lol, this is borderline pyschosis.
^
Why not? Doesn't your God know everything?
If you see Cloud Starchaser there, suck him off in the mens bathroom and walk out like nothing happened.
The cool tucker max would have gotten drunk, acted like an asshole, and written up a moderately funny story about it. I guess that's what happens when you jump the shark.
Anonymous said...
^
Why not? Doesn't your God know everything?
7/30/2007 11:40 AM
Atheist. Thats some good assumin' there sunshine.
^
You're an Atheist? Don't you believe in Tucker?
I'm just passing through, but enjoyed some of the older blog entries.
I don't post on the tuckemax board, but I guess some of you do. Why don't you just ask him the status of his projects, with milestones and dates?
I did post a question about the CC tv pilot. I was banned and my post was deleted.
The question isn't "why don't you ask?", it's "why won't he answer?"
that site is awesome! you say anything that is not pro-tucker and all you have to do is sit back and laugh at all of the silly 'validation' comments you get.
try it! hurry up though, tucker's fan base (12-7 yr old boys) is getting ready to go back to school soon!
Hey anon @ 7/30/2007 8:28 PM, thanks for answering. That explains the tone of the message board, which seems to be a parody of "the Tucker Max experience". To the posters inferring that the Max core audience is male and age 12 to 17, that's probably correct, though some are older. It's like one of the loser fraternities, the kind that attracts the dorks. They want to belong and "fit", but they've only got equally clueless fraternity brothers to lean and learn from.
Anonymous said...
^
Why not? Doesn't your God know everything?
7/30/2007 11:40 AM
Atheist. Thats some good assumin' there sunshine.
7/30/2007 2:59 PM
Anonymous said...
^
You're an Atheist? Don't you believe in Tucker?
7/30/2007 3:27 PM
Oh, in Tucker, well yeah I guess I do then. Wow! I'm NOT an atheist!
The bread is his man-boobs! The wine is his impotent semen! You have helped me see the light for my savior truly is Tucker Max. He shalt get drunketh and on the third day he shalt rise again!! Tucker once shared a parable with us that I will never forget, He said, "A farmer shot his seed out toward his field. Some seed fell on the road and the crows carried it away. Some seed fell on stone, and died. But some seed, some seed shot right into this ho's eye and the farmer had much joy in this." Do you understand?
A couple of weeks ago we decided to cruise out to Ryan's Steakhouse for dinner. It was a Wednesday night which means that macaroni and beef was on the hot bar, indeed the only night of the week that it is served. Wednesday night is also kid's night at Ryan's, complete with Dizzy the Clown wandering from table to table entertaining the little bastards. It may seem that the events about to be told have little connection to those two circumstances, but all will be clear in a moment.
We went through the line and placed our orders for the all-you-can-eat hot bar then sat down as far away from the front of the restaurant as possible in order to keep the density of kids down a bit. Then I started my move to the hot bar. Plate after plate of macaroni and beef were consumed that evening, I tell you-in all, four heaping plates of the pseudo-Italian ambrosia were shoved into my belly. I was sated. Perhaps a bit too much, however.
I had not really been feeling well all day, what with a bit of gas and such. By the time I had eaten four overwhelmed plates of food, I was in real trouble. There was so much pressure on my diaphragm that I was having trouble breathing. At the same time, the downward pressure was building. At first, I thought it was only gas which could have been passed in batches right at the table without to much concern. Unfortunately, that was not to be. After a minute or so it was clear that I was dealing with explosive diarrhea. It's amazing how grease can make its way through your intestines far faster than the food which spawned the grease to begin with, but I digress...
I got up from the table and made my way to the bathroom. Upon entering, I saw two sinks immediately inside the door, two urinals just to the right of the sinks, and two toilet stalls against the back wall. One of them was a handicapped bathroom. Now, normally I would have gone to the handicapped stall since I like to stretch out a bit when I take a good shit, but in this case, the door lock was broken and the only thing I hate worse than my wife telling me to stop cutting my toenails with a pair of diagonal wirecutters is having someone walk in on me while I am taking a shit. I went to the normal stall.
In retrospect, I probably should have gone to the large, handicapped stall even though the door would not lock because that bit of time lost in making the stall switch proved to be a bit too long under the circumstances. By the time I had walked into the regular stall, the pressure on my ass was reaching Biblical proportions.
I began "The Move."
For those women who may be reading this, let me take a moment to explain "The Move." Men know exactly what their bowels are up to at any given second. And when the time comes to empty the cache, a sequence of physiological events occur that can not be stopped under any circumstances. There is a move men make that involves simultaneously approaching the toilet, beginning the body turn to position ones ass toward said toilet, hooking ones fingers into ones waistline, and pulling down the pants while beginning the squat at the same time. It is a very fluid motion that, when performed properly, results in the flawless expulsion of shit at the exact same second that ones ass is properly placed on the toilet seat. Done properly, it even assures that the choad is properly inserted into the front rim of the toilet in the event that the piss stream lets loose at the same time; it is truly a picture of coordination rivaling that of a skilled ballet dancer.
I was about half-way into "The Move" when I looked down at the floor and saw a pile of vomit that had been previously expelled by one of those little bastards attending kids night; it was mounded up in the corner so I did not notice it when I had first walked into the stall. Normally, I would not have been bothered by such a thing, but I had eaten so much and the pressure upward was so intense, that I hit a rarely experienced gag reflex. And once that reflex started, combined with the intense pressure upward caused by the bloated stomach, four plates of macaroni and beef started coming up for a rematch. What happened next was so quick that the exact sequence of events are a bit fuzzy, but I will try to reconstruct them as best I can.
In that moment of impending projectile vomiting, my attention was diverted from the goings-on at the other end. To put a freeze frame on the situation, I was half crouched down to the toilet, pants pulled down to my knees, with a load of vomit coming up my esophagus. Now, most of you know that vomiting takes precedence over shit no matter what is about to come slamming out of your ass. It is apparently an evolutionary thing since shitting will not kill you, but vomiting takes a presence of mind to accomplish so that you do not aspirate any food into the bronchial tubes and perhaps choke to death. My attention was thus diverted.
At that very split second, my ass exploded in what can only be described as a wake...you know, as in a newspaper headline along the lines of "30,000 Killed In Wake of Typhoon Fifi" or something similar. In what seemed to be most suitably measured in cubic feet, an enormous plug of shit the consistency of thick mud with embedded pockets of greasy liquid came flying out of my ass. But remember, I was only half-way down on the toilet at that moment. The shit wave was of such force and of just such an angle in relation to the back curve of the toilet seat that it ricocheted off the back of the seat and slammed into the wall at an angle of incidence equal to the angle at which it initially hit the toilet seat. Then I sat down.
Recall that when that event occurred, I was already half-way to sitting anyway and had actually reached the point of no return. I have always considered myself as relatively stable gravitationally, but when you get beyond a certain point, you're going down no matter how limber you may be. Needless to say, the shit wave, though of considerable force, was not so sufficient so as to completely glance off the toilet seat and deposit itself on the walls, unlike what you would see when hitting a puddle with a high-pressure water hose; even though you throw water at the puddle, the puddle gets moved and no water is left to re-form a puddle. There was a significant amount of shit remaining on about one-third of the seat rim which I had now just collapsed upon.
Now, back to the vomit...
While all the shitting was going on, the vomit was still on its way up. By the time I had actually collapsed on the toilet, my mouth had filled up with a goodly portion of the macaroni and beef I had just consumed. OK, so what does the human body instinctively do when vomiting? One bends over. So I bent over. I was still sitting on the toilet, though. Therefore, bending over resulted in me placing my head above my now slightly-opened legs, positioned in between my knees and waist. Also directly above my pants which were now pulled down to a point just midway between my knees and my ankles. Oh, did I mention that I was wearing not just pants, but sweat pants with elastic on the ankles.
In one mighty push, some three pounds of macaroni and beef, two or three Cokes, and a couple of Big, Fat Yeast Rolls were deposited in my pants...on the inside...with no ready exit at the bottom down by my feet.
In the next several seconds, there were a handful of farts, a couple of turds, and the event ended, yet I was now sitting there with my pants full of vomit, my back covered in shit that had bounced off the toilet, spattered on three ceramic-tiled walls to a height of about five feet, and still had enough force to come back at me, covering the back of my shirt with droplets of liquid shit. All while thick shit was spread all over my ass in a ring curiously in the shape of a toilet seat.
And there was no fucking toilet paper.
What could I do but laugh. I must have sounded like a complete maniac to the guy who then wandered into the bathroom. He actually asked if I was OK since I was laughing so hard I must have sounded like I was crying hysterically. I calmed down just enough to ask him if he would get the manager. And told him to have the manager bring some toilet paper. When the manager walked in, he brought the toilet paper with him, but in no way was prepared for what happened next. I simply told him that there was no way I was going to explain what was happening in the stall, but that I needed several wet towels and I needed him to go ask my wife to come help me. I told him where we were sitting and he left. At that point, I think he was probably assuming that I had pissed just a bit in my pants or something similarly benign.
About two minutes later, my wife came into the bathroom not knowing what was wrong and with a certain amount of worry in her voice. I explained to her (still laughing and having trouble getting out words) that I had a slight accident and needed her help. Knowing that I had experienced some close calls in the past, she probably assumed that I had laid down a small turd or something and just needed to bring the car around so we could bolt immediately. Until I asked her, I'm sure she had no idea that she was about to go across the street and purchase me new underwear, new socks, new pants, a new shirt, and (by that time due to considerable leakage around the elastic ankles thingies) new sneakers. And she then started to laugh herself since I was still laughing. She began to ask for an explanation as to what had happened when I promised her that I would tell her later, but that I just needed to handle damage control for the time being. She left.
The manager then came back in with a half-dozen wet towels and a few dry ones. I asked him to also bring a mop and bucket upon which he assured me that they would clean up anything that needed to be cleaned. Without giving him specific details, I explained that what was going on in that stall that night was far in excess of what I would expect anyone to deal with, what with most of the folks working at Ryan's making minimum wage or just slightly above. At that moment, I think it dawned on him exactly the gravity of the situation. Then that manager went so far above the call of duty that I will be eternally grateful for his actions. He hooked up a hose.
Fortunately, commercial bathrooms are constructed with tile walls and tile floors and have a drain in the middle of the room in order to make clean up easy. Fortunately, I was in a commercial bathroom. He hooked up the hose to the spigot located under the sink as I began cleaning myself up with the wet towels. Just as I was finishing, my wife got back with the new clothes and passed them into the stall, whereupon I stuffed the previously worn clothing into the plastic bag that came from the store, handing the bag to my wife. I finished cleaning myself off and carefully put on my new clothes, still stuck in the stall since I figured that it would be in bad taste to go out of the stall to get redressed in the event I happened to be standing there naked and some little bastard kid walked in. At that point, I had only made a mess; I had not yet committed a felony and intended to keep it that way.
When I finished getting dressed, I picked up the hose and cleaned up the entire stall, washing down the remains toward the drain in the center of the room. I put down the hose and walked out of the bathroom. I had intended to go to the manager and thank him for all he had done, but when I walked out, three of the management staff were there to greet me with a standing ovation. I started laughing so hard that I thought I was going to throw up again, but managed to scurry out to the car where my wife was now waiting to pick me up by the front door.
The upshot of all this is that I strongly recommend eating dinner at Ryan's Steak House. They have, by far, the nicest management staff of any restaurant in which I have eaten.
Didn't take much to dead this place.
That shit-story was great. Unlike Tucker's stories.
Tucker would've added some bullshit that he was getting the blumpkin in the bathroom.
^
True. A Tucker Max story requires not just a "conquest sex" sequence, but a nasty anti-social barb directed at someone that he feels superior to.
Boy that SHIT story WAS GREAT.
Did that guy shit on Tucker's dick?
^^^ LOL! I Think so! LOL!! Did he shit on Tucker's Dick?? LOL! Cuz, Tucker's a fag and was probably fucking that dude! LOL!!!
Tucker Falls for Flying Car Hoax, Hilarity Ensues:
https://messageboard.tuckermax.com/showthread.php?t=16745
Moller has been around for more than twenty years, and this garbage has always been "right around the corner." It's one thing to have not heard of him before, but after watching the video, and reading the article, wouldn't he be a little skeptical? And there is no way something as cool as this is purported to be would cost $75 grand.
What an idiot.
Make outlandish promises than fail to deliver. No wonder Tucker is so excited.
They are going to be for sale soon, at like 75k a piece. There is a 100% chance I am buying one of these as soon as possible.
Tucker can't afford a $15k car and he's going to buy an imaginary plane? Did somebody say delusional?
I'm really at the point where I think Tucker is fucking with his fans by making outlandish statements and laughing at how people still think he's cool.
It's been funny watching Tucker being a parody of a human being. Too bad he bought into his own self-made bullshit.
^^^ LOL! I Think so! LOL!! Did he shit on Tucker's Dick?? LOL! Cuz, Tucker's a fag and was probably fucking that dude! LOL!!!
It sounds like you're jealous. Were you hoping that you'd be the next one to shit on Tucker's dick?
^^^ LOL! I Think so! LOL!! Did he shit on Tucker's Dick?? LOL! Cuz, Tucker's a fag and was probably fucking that dude! LOL!!!
It sounds like you're jealous. Were you hoping that you'd be the next one to shit on Tucker's dick?
okay you are seriously retarded if you fail to realize that the original comment was made by a fanboy. This site is pretty much done, good work when you paid attention and actually had any evidence, Mr McBeefwell.
This site still has more activity than Tucker's site has.
"This site still has more activity than Tucker's site has."
Plus, it's funnier than anything from Tucker's message board in over a year.
Anybody know if this chick took a shit on Tucker's dick?
http://video.stripclublist.com/video/scl69597e
How do you suppose Tucker plans to revolutionize the entertainment industry? Seriously, what do ya'll think HE thinks he's bringing that's so innovative? I suppose he feels like he's an innovator because he's 'made' himself by partying a lot and sleeping with a lot of women... but he hasn't really accomplished a whole lot... he wrote a book that briefly made the bestseller list, he made a moderately popular website... nothing revolutionary here... his TV show idea (a bunch of young people dealing with life issues, sex issues, etc.( isn't revolutionary at all... I'm trying to figure out what his vision is that strikes him as being so original and grand... I'm a casual observer, so perhaps someone can answer the question: has he ever laid his vision out in a systematic way? Is there something others can look at that answers the question of what he's got planned that's so novel? I seriously want to know, because to this point, he seems to be a guy who's mostly convinced because of his sense of entitlement; that he's so smart and so confident that this translates somehow into a natural acumen to revolutionize the entertainment industry.
his book was a bestseller in the paperback nonfiction category. That's like an oscar for best documentary.
Anon 8/05/2007 6:04 PM:
How DARE you question Tucker Max's plan to revolutionize the entertainment industry!
KungFu Mike will ban you in 3...2...1...
I'm going to personally hunt you all down and kill you. I'm not even joking. We know who you are, we have your IP addresses and everything... your days are numbered.
~KfM
Laugh? I just shat my fucking pants.
~Albert Einstein
Einstein you cunt, get back to fucking work!
~~Gen. L. Groves.
You people have no idea how we are going to revolutionize the entire world. We are the Majestic 12. We are the Illuminati. We are the Skull and Bones, and we ARE going to overtake Hollywood with our ribald tales of having sex and drinking. This... is revolutionary.
-Mucker Tax
anyone check out kuntfu mike's myspace? he's moving back to th east coast. guess l.a.'s not working out so well, hahaha
I'm going to personally hunt you all down and kill you. I'm not even joking. We know who you are, we have your IP addresses and everything... your days are numbered.
~KfM
Bring it, you unemployed Tucker Bitch. You should have my IP address. I live on the east coast, so set the time and place.
From http://www.myspace.com/kungfu_mike -
KungFu Mike is Coming Back to Portsmouth, New Hampshire
I'll be packing up my shit, shipping my computer out ahead of time and catching a cheap one way ticket home this Friday.
"But KungFu Mike. why are you doing this? You are a fancy intermawebs celebrity living in the city of angels. How could you do such a thing?! What about our children?!"
1) I've got some family shit to take care of, and I would feel like a dick if I wasn't around while it went down.
2) I miss my friends something fierce, and I would feel like shit if I had to hang out with one more pretentious LA coke whore, surf-tard or teardrop tattoed cholo instead of the people that matter most to me in this life.
3) I need to recharge my batteries. I love southern California, more specifically Los Angeles, but I'm getting a little burnt out on the area (more specifically the people) and home is just what I need. I'll be back here eventually as this is where I am making things happen, but for now I've set myself up to the point that as long as I have a computer, I can get all of my shit done in regards to my writing projects. In a nutshell; I'm homesick and an open ended stay in New Hampshire is just what the doctor ordered.
I'm kind of doing this on a whim, so I don't have all of the details ironed out as of yet, details including where I am going to live, what I am going to drive and where I am going to work. If I know you and you live in the Portsmouth, NH area, please feel free to message me with roommate openings in the downtown area, used VW advertisments (all I really need is a beater) and employment opportunities that wouldn't make me want to stab myself in the face with a fistfull of pens.
Also, if I know you in real life and we are actually friends, feel free to call me or get a hold of me on here to make plans. You know who you are, and I am going to make you drink your fucking face off upon my arrival.
Happy trails,
~KungFu Mike
Translation:
After wasting my life with Tucker Max in L.A., I need to go home with my tail between my legs, admit I was a fool, and try to make something of my worthless existence.
Loser Obsession. You know you've gone too far when you start doing research. Time to clean out that closet full of Tucker clippings and move on!
Translation: Mini Skirt Mike couldn't find a way to make ends meet in Los Angeles, so he's moving back to the rural confines of NH.
^^ What does it give you?
^
Very articulate. Please alert us when you finally form a synapse.
Lots of aspiring writers crash and burn in LA. Nothing wrong with following your dream. He (Kung Fu Mike) just doesn't have any talent.
True dat. Same for Tucker, really. His talent isn't writing, it's trying to fudge social convention. It was amusing (to some, I guess) when he was in his twenties, but shoot... how many people think a guy in his 30's is edgy, clever, or entertaining for clinging to his frat-boy dreams? And how many people are going to want to support this with their hard-earned entertainment dollars? Enough to make his book blip the bestseller list, perhaps... but not enough to revolutionize the entertainment industry. Yo.
Am I alone in feeling bad for the guy? I just looked at Kung Fu Mike's myspace entry, and it is nothing less than a transparent admission of failure. Not that Tucker is making bank, but I'm sure he earns enough to party modestly (by LA standards) and pay rent. It's my understanding that Mike doesn't make much from Rudius, certainly not enough to live on.
What was sad was Mike's plea for someone to help find him a job. It sounds like he drained his life savings, all in a pathetic effort to ingratiate himself with Tucker.
^
Very articulate. Please alert us when you finally form a synapse.
8/06/2007 11:56 AM
he. You're just annoyed enough to make it plain that you got what I was getting at.
Not that Tucker is making bank, but I'm sure he earns enough to party modestly (by LA standards) and pay rent.
He lives in a dump in the shitty end of town (bunny took some pics if you want a laugh) with 2 roommates. If he was partying with anybody moderately famous (like Jaime Kennedy) he would mention it. Instead he mentions ComicCon and going to Fresno.
He probably affords enough to get drunk off coors light nightly.
How long was Kung Fu Mike out in LA? That guy sounds like a loser. First he got his ass kicked by Cloud Starchaser. Now he's moving back to New Hampshire because he couldn't cut it in LA. That guy tries to make himself sound like he's a cool ladies man, but it seems like he's just a broke loser who has been kissing Tucker's ass for far too long.
I also feel bad for KFM he hitched a ride on what he thought was a star. Poor guy faced with the reality that what he thought was the end all of be all was really just a bloated ass.
I always wonder why doesn't tucker ever post in his site's picture thread? The thread that show members out doing things with thier friends and families, thier homes,cars and hobbies. I guess its because tucker has nothing of value to show.
Poor KFM, for real, he bought into it and then matured enough to realize just how much of a ride he got taken for. He finally came around just like all the other quality poster's that tucker use to have, that board use to be funny and original. Now it just reaks of deperation and faliure.
"The fying cars are comming" HaHaHa
"Tucker at comicom" LOL
"The best (Insert stupid thing here)"
"Cracked magazine list of top ten dumb stupid, retarded, who cares list"
One way to revolutionize Hollywood is to do it by way of long-range attack - you know, nobody in Hollywood will expect a full-on creative onslaught from New England. Don't you get it? This is all part of Rudius's master plan to change the industry forever!
I don't feel bad for KFM. There are leaders, and there are followers. KFM is clearly a follower, trying his best to make a favorable impression on Tucker. If he was a teenager, you'd just chalk it up as a learning experience. But this guy is closing on 30, and obviously has stars in his eyes when it comes to Tucker.
If he has a modicum of common sense, he'll stop moderating Tucker's message board and start living his own life... as a man. A man makes things happen on his own terms. Right now KFM is a boy, with the sole wish of wanting to grow up and be like Tucker.
Well-said.
I don't know about you guys but the patheticness of Tucker and Kung Fu Mike, really satisfies me somehow. Some people might think it was the humor of how retarded Tucker is, but that got old after like my 20th visit here. Now it's something else that makes me come here every single day to post. I can't quite put my finger on it now though. Can you?
I think it has something to do with the remarkable senses of self-importance and entitlement those guys have, the relative dearth of justification for same, and the tacit frustration that comes from watching people so intentionally defy normative social conduct and think they can continue to be rewarded for it, even though they're long past the stage of life where such behavior should even be tolerated. Basically, their success depends on people's willingness to condone and celebrate their selfish, fruitless lifestyles - but when said lifestyles contribute NOTHING of lasting value to society (Tucker will argue that he's setting an example for people to 'be themselves' and 'be honest' - grade-school value parameters which only the truly sycophantic don't possess in some measure [which provides explanation for why as Tucker gets older, his fans and willing sex partners either must be younger and more naive, or older with more serious issues]), their prominence is necessarily short-lived and limited in its scope. That's why I wondered earlier if Tucker's ever given thought to what he'll have to offer once the limited life-cycle of his routine runs its course.
That is a very well thought-out post and I agree with most of the points. I have to say that you are really describing Tucker as he was a few years ago. He doesn't rely on his persona for success anymore, he's now invested it all into becoming a media mogul. Hence the shitty home in LA, the crazy intern Robert Holiday, the reduced focus on his stories and upcoming book. He has decided to devote himself to taking over media.
And I for one couldn't find it funnier.
"I think it has something to do with the remarkable senses of self-importance and entitlement those guys have..."
I think you really hit the nail on the head. This must be why I keep coming back here. To continually analyze this guy I think is a total loser because his inane way of thinking/living has somehow obsessed me. After reading your post, and seeing how much you've obviously thought into it I realized I need to stop coming here ASAP. I need to think and talk about something other than a total loser. I think it'll help me tremendously. Thank you so much.
Hmmm... well, my interest in Tucker is probably more casual, but peculiar in that I'm a student of both philosophy and theology, so what Tuck represents with regard to the state of morality and ethical self-awareness in America is my impetus for thinking about it at all; otherwise, he's just another overgrown rich kid, of which there are very many. My comments (above) didn't emerge from spending hours in thought; they're observations that are, to me, rather obvious. But if it helps people understand their interest in Tuck, I guess that's alright, too. Thanks!
Solid post, anon at 9:14.
Speaking for myself, I have been following the Max tale because I found the idea of someone behaving like that and getting away with it to be incredibly disturbing and offensive to my ideas of how the world actually works. Sort of like seeing a Disney movie where the heroes die horribly and the bad guys chuckle at the end over a hearty meal of fried chicken. So I had to keep watching to see if things really did work that way or if there was some sort of cosmic justice that would slap him back for being deliberately evil. (I realize this sounds partly childish, partly religious, but I can't think of a better way of putting it) In other words, pretty much what 9:14 said.
And I have to admit it's been a tremendous relief to see things not pan out for him. That's the start of an eventual crackup; time is not on his side. Honestly I can't imagine him going back to a cubicle job - he thinks he's too good for it, and will have to fall pretty far to be shaken of that notion, if it's even possible.
Anybody know if the Cloud Starchaser fight video is available anywhere? I didn't save it after I watched it way back when, and it's not on youtube that I can see, and I have this obsessive impulse to save odd historical documents like that.
To anon at 2:45, that's why quite a few - probably most - of the posters here have followed Max's story. You're not alone. And the truth is, he has achieved a certain level of success (and will continue to achieve a certain level of success) because there are a lot of sick, selfish, shallow people in the world, and sickness and selfishness can only thrive in community. We seek others who suffer from the sickness we suffer from because it lends an illusion of legitimacy to our own sickness. However, for most of us, there comes a point when we realize that no matter how gratifying the sickness was once, it is no longer so, and we recognize our need to get better. (Tucker himself has [perhaps unwittingly] proven this, by constantly seeking more extreme stimuli - what was fun five years ago isn't fun now, so he needs more and more and more, and that's how our sicknesses always work to keep us more and more bound to them; that's also why the further into ourselves we delve, the more difficult it is to get free) This is why Tucker's fanbase changes over time, and why he can never establish lasting, large-scale success with what he currently offers. In short, most of us grow up.
Bigger than that, however, is the reality that Tucker will reach a point in his young existence where he recognizes the utter emptiness of the life he lives. (I believe that, on some scale, he already has realized this, which is why he so voraciously seeks success; he desperately needs a TV show, or another book deal, or a movie - SOMEthing - to continue to validate the path he's traveled so far down) Because his value system is so flawed, however, it is as likely that he will continue to live as he now does as it is that he will eventually reform, because he sees no other option for gratification and personal relevance.
In many ways, he's ruined himself already. It will take a lot of personal struggle for him to undo the damage he's done to his ability to truly love, and he will eventually reach a point (as we all must) where he'll take no gratification from vapid sexual encounters, hollow endeavors at 'having fun', and relentless pursuits at being 'different' from others. Walking away from that life will require more courage and humility than he may have. I hope I'm wrong - I hope he CAN find the internal fortitude to own what he's made of himself, and leave it behind for a chance at a real life.
But don't doubt for a moment that the whirlwind will come for him. The whirlwind ALWAYS comes. Life is designed to operate a certain way, and none of us can dodge the inevitable consequences of abusing it forever. It takes a lifetime for some of us to come to the end of ourselves and realize that - it may take a lifetime for Tucker to stop running from himself, face himself, and step into reality. I hope for his sake, and the well-being of those he influences, that it doesn't.
However, for most of us, there comes a point when we realize that no matter how gratifying the sickness was once, it is no longer so, and we recognize our need to get better. (Tucker himself has [perhaps unwittingly] proven this, by constantly seeking more extreme stimuli - what was fun five years ago isn't fun now, so he needs more and more and more, and that's how our sicknesses always work to keep us more and more bound to them; that's also why the further into ourselves we delve, the more difficult it is to get free) This is why Tucker's fanbase changes over time, and why he can never establish lasting, large-scale success with what he currently offers. In short, most of us grow up.
True.
Tucker has already experienced a loss of fan base, which can be measured both quantitatively (Alexa ratings are in the toilet), and qualitatively (the best posters have fled his site). In the latter case, some of his long-time "real life" friends have left, as they have grown-up since attending school with Tucker. The collective intelligence of the message boards have similarly declined since the first two years, as the "shared" demographic experience wanes. In other words, even Tucker's posters have since grown up and found other online entertainment. Entertainment that reflects who they are, at age 30 something (or even 20 something). All that is left are guys that are either emotionally stunted like Max, or just very young (high school to very early college) and inexperienced.
That's how time will catch up with Tucker Max. As he ages, the potential replacement fans won't be able to relate to him as a "cool" icon. He'll have to resort to ever greater stunts to sustain interest, as he already demonstrated with his lame attempt at sex with a midget. In time he'll realize that more people will laugh at him, rather than laugh with him. That is his destiny.
Think about Cockly McBeefwell.
You can take your... "situation", and try to justify it any number of ways. MY multiple year long interest in the Tucker story comes from some deeper interest in the existence of justice, ethical self-awareness, normative social conduct...pffft...ok, that was just good enough and smart enough sounding to convince myself I'm not a loser and give me a reason to stay on this thing. Let me know when you get done with that Tucker Max regression analysis.
You know, the word egocentric is one of those that gets a bad rap (propaganda is another one). People will say, "You're so fucking egocentric." Which is really kinda stupid because we are all necessarily egocentric. All human beings see outward from the inside. We have to expend a certain amount of energy to do otherwise. This is what makes justification of our own activities so easy. It's the easy road for sure. We can see the truth of it! It's so plain from our inside view. Seeing things from other perspectives, assuming the opposite of what you know to be true, or practricing to argue against yourself. A single ego is such a narrow vantage. So really...what are doing here right now? No inane justifications allowed, get to the raw answer, and don't go on about moral relativism, quid pro quo, res ipsa loquitor, Mr. Nowhere man. In fact don't even answer me, just give yourself an honest answer.
Nobody's inherently egocentric, except for babies and small children. We ARE all self-AWARE, but this is not the same thing as being egocentric, which means being oriented fully toward self in thought and deed, instead of being oriented toward society in same.
12:38 is projecting his narcissism onto others. LOL.
^
And a superficial jackass. Why folks post is there own business.
Tucker reminds me of Michael Jordan. (Don't laugh). Jordan was one of the greatest basketball players ever. (That's not the part that reminds me of tucker). But when he tried to translate that into baseball, he struck out. When he retired and came back, he was over the hill and a new generation was in charge.
Tucker's skill is writing about getting drunk, shitting his pants, and vomiting on himself. After he gets sick of failing in hollywood, he'll move back to chicago and fuck fat chicks only to find his 15 minutes are over and his fans have moved on.
Tucker reminds me of a jackass that wins the lottery and ends up penniless 2 years later.
I think both of you guys are right. The old fans that used to laugh with him will eventually be replaced by a younger set of web site visitors, and that new generation will laugh at him instead of with him.
Tucker:
Well, Rudius Media got its first TV show picked up today (no, it's not mine, but I do have an announcement coming about that soon).
I am not going to say who it is yet, I'll let the network announce it and we'll piggy back off that, but it's pretty cool and I am very excited. Stay tuned.
On the off-chance this is true/actually going to happen, I'll bet it's Jamie Kennedy, and Tucker will try to claim he only got the show because of Rudius. I can't wait for the "coming soon" announcement of Tucker's own show though.
https://messageboard.tuckermax.com/showthread.php?t=12191&page=32
-Untitled Anonymous Project
Producers: TBA
Sold by: TBA and Tucker Max
Studio: TBA
Network: TBA
Notes: The show, based on the blog of one of the Rudius Writers, is sold and in production, but the network has requested that all info be withheld until they make the announcement first.
Hmm.. Obviously, it could only be Kung Fu Mike or DrunkaSoreAss Rex.
I would say 'Philalawyer' or 'Daddy Don't Hit Me'. They both have potential.
Good call. It's probably Daddy Don't Hit Me:
http://blog.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendID=137609749&blogID=297718590
The announcement and BC Woods' departure occurred together. Maybe that's just chance but the two are probably connected. Maybe Tucker ripped BC Woods off and BC left in response.
Tucker is one evil bastard.
hoo ah, paul levinson, fire on the line, now bc "think about tucker" woods. Yep, looks like more "success" for tucker.
http://messageboard.tuckermax.com/showpost.php?p=491616&postcount=7
I thought you had to pass the bar exam in order to be called "esquire?"
Posted by: Erin Tyler at April 7, 2006 01:19 AM
Anthony DiMeo is very intelligent. I've seen him in action before. He's no joke!
http://willdo.philadelphiaweekly.com/archives/2006/03/when_its_bluebe.html
The Bunny defending Anthony DiMeo?
Actually, "Esquire" is latin for "douchebag". His usage is correct.
Wrong comment. Bunny posted this gem:
--
tucker max is anthony dimeo III. it doesn't take long to find out how. just don't get stuck in his shitty shock-stock writing. happy travels
--
no idea what the fuck she's talking about.
Who knows? Bunny is an absolute loon. Seems like a nice enough girl, but an absolute loon. I wonder what makes a nice girl like her stick around with a no-talent hack like Tucker Max?
Oh. Right. She's a loon.
Who knows? Bunny is an absolute loon. Seems like a nice enough girl, but an absolute loon. I wonder what makes a nice girl like her stick around with a no-talent hack like Tucker Max?
Oh. Right. She's a loon.
Why does she seem nice? Because she's says she's nice? Very, very nice? She's super nice.
She's not nice and that should be your first clue. Nice people don't talk about how nice they are. She's just psychotic. She's a completely broken slut, just like the broken sluts everyone mocks. She's as big a bitch as the rest of them, she just lies about it. Because, you know, 30 year old woman playing 8 year old is awesome.
She was also the one that ran off some of the best posters on the board, for whatever reason.
Intern Ryan Holiday is a weird bird. I swear, when he just went by Ironmaiden on the Robert Greene board, I thought he was a girl he was so tentative, yet with an overinflated sense of self.
8/12/2007, 12:41:
I'm not a poster on the message board, so I wouldn't know, but what exactly did she do to run them off?
Holiday is like one of those computer memory sticks that you use to back-up files. It’s like Tucker made a copy of his interests and opinions and then downloaded it into another human being.
There’s always a lot of bluster and control-freakery with Holiday, which is why he frequently rubs people the wrong way. He’s quite easy to knock off kilter. Give him a nudge outside his comfort zone and he flounders and over-reacts.
I like Bunny. She’s terribly insecure and a little mad, but at the core there’s a decent human being. She’s a good writer too. Her life would probably improve immeasurably if she walked away from The Tucker Max Show (the real life version - not the TV pilot in limbo).
i cant believe u looser hav almost put up 1000 coments to this stupid fuckin thread.
I'm not a poster on the message board, so I wouldn't know, but what exactly did she do to run them off?
She felt a large chunk of them were worthless, unfunny, and not worth all of the green dots they had. It seriously came down to green dots, which aren't supposed to mean anything, though they quite obviously do. She and KFM tried to pit the more popular posters against each other. Serious high school shit, leaving red dots signed by other people and stupid things like that.
It wouldn't have irked me as much as it did if she didn't constantly talk about how nice she is. She's very, very nice.
Let's not forget that Bunny is also incredibly special because of her amazing paranormal and psychic abilities. SHE SEES DEAD PEOPLE!
Seriously, where is this evidence that Bunny is "nice". Her actions on the TMMB and her own blog paint a decidedly blurred picture at best. Bunny is always SAYING she is nice, and has stood up for some people on occasion; but just as frequently, she has led the charge in attacking people, especially anyone who dares to question the orthodoxy as laid down by Tucker or her. Plus, let's not forget the way she passive-aggressively sabotaged Tucker's last "relationship". Granted, that thing didn't have a snowball's chance in hell of lasting, but it couldn't have helped to have Bunny constantly around acting as a "friend" to Courtney (an examination of who's own vapid whorishness can be left for another time).
The short of it is, Bunny is fucking CRAZY. She is nutty than squirrel shit and has serious co-dependency issues in regards to Tucker. Granted, I'm not a psychiatrist, but the way Tucker and Bunny seem to need one another is healthy for neither. Want proof, go and read that post on Bunny's blog where she describes dating Tucker, then keep in mind that she is still is one of his closest friends because he is actually a good and "talented" person (Rudius' favorite description for one another). That claim is completely incompatible with the person described in her blog post. Bunny is either a liar or completely deslusional. I'm betting both.
[i]Granted, that thing didn't have a snowball's chance in hell of lasting, but it couldn't have helped to have Bunny constantly around acting as a "friend" to Courtney (an examination of who's own vapid whorishness can be left for another time).[/i]
What is the deal with this?
I think Bunny is like Kung Fu Mike. They're just a couple of insecure individuals trying to cope with the pressures of being an adult, and failing miserably.
I think Bunny is like Kung Fu Mike. They're just a couple of insecure individuals trying to cope with the pressures of being an adult, and failing miserably.
Don't forget their unjustified delusions of grandeur regarding their own ability and talent.
1:15
I think Kung Fu Mike has a lot more in common with BC Woods than Bunny. Neither of them are bad writers (her blog borders on unreadable) and both have had the foresight to jump ship before Tucker becomes a complete failure. Her sorry obsession with Max will never die, no matter how far he falls.
I think Bunny is like Kung Fu Mike. They're just a couple of insecure individuals trying to cope with the pressures of being an adult, and failing miserably.
That makes a lot of sense, actually. So far, we've got a woman-hating psychopath and, essentially, two basement dwellers.
One of them pretends to be very, very nice and one of them pretends to be a complete hardass, but is clearly not.
Rudius Psychology 101
Don't forget tucker "i'm not an alpha male but i play one on the internet" max. Or tucker "i'm not an elite special forces bad ass but i play one on the internet" max.
You're all just jealous because Tucker banged the shit out of Courtney (I bet she shit on his dick too). Of course $300 will get you a hotter chick than Courtney for an hour, and she'll have the decency to leave when you're done.
So I guess even Tucker realized boasting about how many girls want to bang him was getting tired...so he threw this out there:
http://messageboard.tuckermax.com/showthread.php?t=16857
I've been reading the site for almost three years and this is still the most boring, self-important thread he's ever posted. Yeah, all those three-way dick sucking sessions with him, Ryan Holiday and Bunny were embarrassing, but this really takes the cake.
Maybe I'm wrong, but didn't his stories used to have a dash of self-depreciation in them? Now all he does is boast about fake Hollywood deals that always fall through and how many people e-mail him looking for sex. Awful.
BC Woods is too much of a gentleman to elaborate on the reasons behind his abrupt separation from Rudius Media. He's since rematerialised as a poster on Freak Safari.
Rudius Media are doing their usual thing of pretending that nothing has happened, in spite of losing one of their best-loved writers and one of the few bloggers who regularly updates.
Rudius writers are dropping like flies. I never disliked Tucker's board but I certainly pity him now.
Top 5 reasons homos want to burgle tucker's turds:
5) confused by lisp and effeminate hands
4) just using him to get to bunny (she's a dude, right?)
3) mantits
2) low standards
1) when in rome, do as the romans.
What exact day did Tucker cross from being:
1)intentionally entertaining
to
2)unintentionally entertaining
Axl did it. David Hasselhoff did it. Vanilla Ice did it. Michael Jackson did it.
The thing is, unlike the above, Tucker pretty much skipped step #1.
^^
Lets say you stumble across his blog or his book and start reading. The first couple of stories are funny, but then as you read on, they stop being entertaining and start being repetetive and the technical flaws start standing out.
What if the first story you read was the midget story? Or one of his booty call/laundry posts? Watching bad youtube karoake videos is more entertaining.
He jumped the shark when he started believing his own bullshit.
Check kungfu mike's myspace. he's moving back to LA. This guy must be ducking some bookies or else rudius media's hollywood takeover is finally complete. either way, he's headed back there...
^
More like KFM coming to terms that moving home made him look like a failure. Well, he is a failure:
Basically, I can't hack it here like I used to be able to. It's not because the job market is fucking horrible. It's not because every used beater car I end up looking at is more rusted out than Flava Flav's grill. It's not even because bars close at 12:30 am. It's because there is something about home that stifles me creatively and intellectually, to the point that it's turning me into a self loathing, depressed mess that can't pump out writing to save his life.
I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I feel like a failure when I'm home.
That isn't exactly consistent with his earlier reasons for leaving LA, which was primarily due (according to KFM):
I've got some family shit to take care of, and I would feel like a dick if I wasn't around while it went down.
In a nutshell, KFM is floundering and can't man up to his situation.
"Anonymous said...
hoo ah, paul levinson, fire on the line, now bc "think about tucker" woods. Yep, looks like more "success" for tucker."
Don't give him credit for the "think about tucker" posts. I started that shit bitch.
A question that will never, ever be answered: why are Tucker and his cohorts (Bunny, KFM, and Ryan Holiday) so fucked up? Seriously. I didn't think people this self-deluded actually existed.
A question that will never, ever be answered: why are Tucker and his cohorts (Bunny, KFM, and Ryan Holiday) so fucked up? Seriously. I didn't think people this self-deluded actually existed.
Broken people tend to gravitate toward each other, creating their own little comfort zone. Throw them in the shadow of a sociopath and there'll be delusions of grandeur for everyone! Yay!
Seriously, though, sociopaths pretend to be brutally honest, but never are when it comes to their own motives. It was only a matter of time before the other monkeys in the cage figured out how to do it, as well.
"I don't understand why you people think the TMMB is the limit of my fanbase. According to my stats, only about 15-20% of people who visit my ever come here. Not to mention all the illiterates on MySpace, and the Facebook nerds, etc, etc..." (http://messageboard.tuckermax.com/showpost.php?p=506088&postcount=115)
According to real-world statistics, 91% of the traffic to his web site is to his message board. (http://www.alexa.com/data/details/traffic_details?q=tuckermax.com&url=tuckermax.com/)
What better measure of his fan base is there? His book sales? Anyone who knows how the NY Times best-seller list works knows it can be easily manipulated, if you have enough cash and enough blindly loyal fans. Ask the Scientologists. Maybe the reason Tucker is living in a slum with Bunny and Holiday is because he's pouring all the money from his book deal into buying copies of IHTSBIH from the "right" stores.
To say the message board only represents 15-20 percent of his fan base is ridiculous. Nigga please.
I'd go as low as an estimate of 60-70 percent, but that's being generous.
What amuses me is that Tucker thinks this board proves just how popular he is. "Nobody hates the anonymous and unimportant" blah blah, like somehow a few dozen posters validate him. Truth is, most of us are posters on his board anyway and we come here to share a private laugh.
I'm invested in all this to witness an asshole crash and burn. He's a talentless hack who is beyond arrogant because he wrote a mediocre book. Meanwhile "fratboy" comedians who have talent and charisma in the industry like Seth Rogen have made it huge and years younger too. Even Dane Cook had a moment that while moderate, supersedes anything that Tucker can ever hope to accomplish. Tucker lacks presence (I've seen him in person and he really has no charisma) and he doesn't seem to have the ability to put anything out beyond his first push.
Bottom line: If this blog validates how popular Tucker really is, then where are the blogs lambasting Jonah Hill, Judd Apatow, and other "frat pack" types who actually have ability? This blog exists because Tucker sucks, not because he's worthwhile of anything real.
11:29 crushed it. One other thing - if this site was a testament to his success, why are so few people coming on here to defend him?
It seems like everyone here is also on his message board, and there's not that many of us anyway. It's just nice to have a place to call out Tucker's ridiculous boasts without being banned or getting "owned" by Kung Failure Mike with genius like this:
"When I hate fuck an alarm clock into your mother's soft skull for drooling such a useless poster out of her acrid New Orleans stinking cunt until I am left with nothing but soggy stray wires and bone fragments smeared with battery acid."
Woah, way to bring the heat! And no, I'm not the one who posted the original thread, I'm just one of many who winced at KFM's pathetic reply. Maybe the post would have been funny if it didn't read exactly like 95 percent of everything else he writes, or if it wasn't emblematic of the board's waning ability to put someone down without invoking tired shock-jokes and incoherent imagery.
"Hate fuck an alarm clock into your mom's soft skull."
Read that again. It's barely coherent, like almost everything churned out on by Rudius. The only exceptions are PhilaLawyer and The Wreckoning, but neither of them update more than once a month or so. For a content-driven company like Rudius, that's a really bad sign. Even if you have a full-time job and put a lot of work into your writing, it shouldn't be that hard to post at least once or twice a week.
How will it work in the near future when the blog that was the most updated has it's funniest poster quit writing for Rudius? Anyone that is over the age of 19 has been watching everything associated with Tucker slowly spiral into the drain. Unfortunately, just like Amway, there will always be a few customers for Tucker to swindle into buying his inferior product.
I just back-read Tucker's thread on his movie. I think he'll probably get someone to finance it and he'll get it in the can, and it'll probably be profitable. If he can really keep the total budget under $6m, the film should turn a nice profit. But it won't be a revolutionary contribution to Hollywood's corpus. It'll be something in the same vein as American Pie, or Napoleon Dynamite - it'll land somewhere between cult status and mild mainstream success. But that isn't equal to changing the way Hollywood works, or anything else. I'm friendly with a gentleman who is a professional writer - has published a dozen books - and just ran for governor of my state (he's running again in 2008), and he isn't anywhere near as arrogant as the Max. I really believe Tucker's sense of entitlement comes from his upper-class, cash-soaked upbringing, his ability to manipulate people and garner attention (this is not something 'only a few people' are capable of doing; it's something most of us recognize as a vapid, undesirable skill), and the message that's been pumped into his brain for years, i.e. that he's destined for greatness. Greatness, he may have the potential to achieve, I'll grant him that. But that doesn't mean that whatever life he chooses to pursue will automatically yield greatness. The smartest guy in the world can decide to be a womanizing, self-absorbed child; that doesn't mean said person is going to become great. Some paths have intrinsic potential to bestow greatness on their travelers. Other paths are inherently dead-ended. Guess which one the Max is on currently?
http://www.jumpcut.com/view/?id=660D2E02CFF011DB85D5000423CF3686
Go to jumpcut.com and search for "tucker max"
^
Funny that Tucker plugs Maddox. Someone keeps comparing Tucker disfavorably to Maddox within this blog. I wonder if Maddox took a page out of Max's playbook, and is plugging himself here.
I'm just a lurker who is amazed at how well these guys self-promote. They may not be very good writers, but they giving us all a lesson plan in grass roots, Internet marketing.
12:56
I am consistently surprised whenever I compare Tucker to somebody who is actually important. People who have accomplished something real are usually humble and self-effacing about their feats. Tucker is ungodly arrogant, but he's produced nothing of substantial worth. The shock never wears thin.
hollywood is full of waiters waiting for their script to be picked up. Tucker can't write dialog. He can't even write 22 minutes of material for a sitcom. If it gets made (that's an ``if'' bigger than his ego) I predict it'll be straight to dvd, straight to the bargain bin.
His future is a ``how to get laid'' infomercial shown at 3:30 in the morning. Or it would be if he didn't come off as a putz in real life.
Slowly, Ryan C Holiday lumbered out of bed. His joints ached. His head throbbed. What had happened the night before? He could feel dried feces in his pants and was pretty sure his asshole was ripped wide - Oh! He remembered a little too suddenly as he almost tripped over a pile of spent whippits, several beer bottles, and a giant black 48" oil-filled dildo - mounted - on a chainsaw engine. Tucker and Bunny invited him to have a few cold ones with them but, par for the course, they had all ended up sharing a few hot ones instead, that being their euphemism for buttsex.
Ryan made his way to the bathroom, and moaned. It was in complete disarray. The sink was filled with congealed diarrhea, the floor was sticky with drying piss, and the bathtub looked like a long-neglected water trough on a pig farm. It would take Ryan hours to clean this mess. He tried hard to ignore the stench as he sauntered toward the toilet. Didn't Tucker and Bunny respect anything? Ryan gave so much to them and their cause.
Upon opening the lid on his broken toilet he saw the special gift Bunny had left for him: An inhumanly giant turd. It had to be at least a foot and a half in length! Bunny had been planning this one, as he saw unchewed peas, corn, and peanuts that all told the story of Erin's dinner from the night before. The monster turd curled around the inside of his toilet. Not wanting to let her magical ass-gift go to waste, Ryan reached inside the toilet and gently grasped the brown meat.
Moaning, Ryan began devouring the slimy but firm stool. He tasted the honey on the peanuts; he felt the peas pop as he chewed through the delicious crap-worm. His cock immediately sprang to life as he chomped down bite after bite of the mutant ass-birth. Could life get any better? Down to the last bit of his meal, he gagged and coughed. Needing to wash it all down quickly, Ryan yanked out his tiny dick and pissed into his cupped hand, stopping only to bring it up to his dry mouth.
After what seemed like a painful eternity, his bladder was empty and urine was running down his chin in rivulets. Ryan, in the midst of his ecstasy, wondered: Could life get any better?
What the fuck is wrong with you?
I think his problem is that Ryan, like Bunny and all Tucker sycophants, has low self esteem and is easily seduced by Tucker. Consequently, they put up with all kinds of abuse because they're depressed/nuts/etc. and they like it when tucker gives them attention (like fucking a fat girl).
That snippet was perverse. Fun, yes, but perverse.
Keep up the good work.
Did you see that thread about the person wanting to start a 'Tucker Church'?
You have got to be fucking kidding me.
100 bucks says Tucker sat down and wrote that himself.
another fake story from Cum Fool Mike:
I used to take my sister's My Little Ponies, pull their tails out, fill up their hollow bodies with piss, replace the tail and place them gently back into my sister's My Little Pony Stable. I would then scamper back up to my room and wait for the inevitable "Why is is this so heavy...and warm? I don't get - AARRGGGHHHHHH!!!! MIIIIIIIKKKKKKKKEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!"
Sure you did Mike.
^
Not that he has a future as a writer, but KFM really has to get a life. Dishonest stories like that just underscore that his development is stunted. I don't know what the answer is for a developing writer, as it varies: Find a career, travel, develop relationships, whatever... those are the experiences that we all share, learn from, and laugh at. Folks obviously enjoyed Philalawyer and tardblog, because the writers has some continuing real-world experiences to draw from. What real world experiences can Kung Fu Mike possibly write about as a moderator of Tucker's message board?
Anon 8/18/2007 1:16 PM -
So you're saying that Divine will play Ryan in the Tucker Max Movie (which John Waters will direct)?
In the JumpCut.com video, Tucker reminds me of Paul Allen from American Psycho with the voice of Kermit the Frog.
Anyone with half a brain can tell the "Tucker church" email was a joke. No wonder it got deleted from the message board.
Whoever wrote that Ryan Holiday thing is fucking hilarious.
What was that thread about the Church of Tucker? I didn't get to see it before it was disappeared, just like anything else that's funny on that site.
Apparently, it was Cloud Starchaser, or whatever his name is now.
Cloud, confirm/deny?
I still say Tucker did it all himself. Otherwise, why delete it?
990 comments by people with no goals and think about us all the time. It's working.
you can't buy that kind of advertising.
thanks!
990 comments for a dozen lives fully invested in a dead-end road to nowhere? Man, this Rudius thing is REALLY working! And the jump from 990 comments to changing the entertainment industry is negligible, right?
6:14:
Cum Fool is just toeing the line and making up outlandish stories so they, as administrators on the board, can always trump everyone no matter the topic. Here's the latest from FagasaurusRex:
"I built an ENORMOUS bonfire out of everything in my house that was not bolted down or currently being used as a seating or eating surface. It was 25 feet wide and the flames were visible above the steepled rooftop of the three story building. When someone tried to put it out with the industrial fire hoses we had in the house, the heat melted the nozzle of one of the hoses"."
Tucker Gets Published by The Onion:
http://www.theonion.com/content/node/34124
"I'm A Fucked-Up-Chick Magnet"
Hey, I don't want to brag, but when you got it, you got it. And when it comes to picking up women with severe personality disorders, I've got it. Seems like whenever I'm in the same room with a sexy young nutcase looking for some hot dysfunctional action, we lock eyes and I gaze right into the twisted, abnormal recesses of her psyche, and then—bam! We make an instant, undeniable, and incredibly unhealthy connection. What can I say? When it comes to women, I'm a fucked-up-chick magnet.
I know what you're thinking: "Who is this guy to sound so full of himself?" I'm not being egotistical—it's just true. Hey, I know I'm not perfect. Who is? We've all got problems. I'm sure I've got some myself. But here's one problem I don't have: the ladies. When it comes to charming every borderline psycho in a skirt, I take second place to no man. I guess I just give off that "Hey there, pretty lady with the lifelong unresolved emotional issues" vibe. It can't be taught—you either got it or you don't. And I got it.
Everywhere I go, all kinds of psychiatrically disturbed women come running—women who never got over a traumatic childhood accident, or habitually cut themselves, or slept with their stepfathers, or abuse substances while locked in self-destructive cycles of internalized loathing and rage. They just can't keep their hands off me.
It's been this way my whole life. When I was 14, I got lucky with a classmate's mom. In high school, I dated every bipolar suicide risk in town. In college, I had at least a dozen girlfriends who couldn't decide whether they were mental patients or lesbians. It's just the way it is: Deranged dolls dig me.
I don't even have to try. Maybe it's chemistry, or pheromones, or these women can tell I'm afflicted with a complementary set of psychiatric disorders and their fucked-up-female intuition just can't resist. Whatever it is, I'm not complaining. All I have to do is show up at a bar, and before last call, every damaged woman in the place will make a beeline for yours truly, looking to get me entangled in a horrific web of codependency, manipulation, and mutual denial.
The sex is great, too. Believe me, all these highly unstable women have so many self-esteem issues, identity crises, and subconscious needs for approval from absent or emotionally abusive father figures, they'll do practically anything to try to please a man, no matter how self-destructive it is. Sweet!
Take this hot little nutjob who picked me up last weekend. Talk about crazy between the sheets! She cleaned my pipes six ways from Sunday before breaking down in tears out of nowhere at 4 a.m., screaming irrational threats, and trying to throw my stereo out the second-story window. Luckily, I was able to calm her down with a little TLC—time-release lithium capsules—and get her into a cab before she caused any serious property damage. But still, she can't stay away—she's been leaving, like, eight voicemail messages an hour on my cell phone. Hey, once they get a little taste of the old Deanster, they always come back for more... even after multiple restraining orders and injunctions.
All I can do is shrug and say, "Crazy women go crazy for me."
Lots of guys have asked for my secret, saying stuff like, "Wow, you sure can pick 'em," or "Dude, you need help." They can't understand how I manage to attract so many hot, wild, desperately pathological chicks. But I can't tell you my secret... It's just some kind of inexplicable magic.
Well, whatever it is, I'm enjoying every fucked-up minute of it.
Excellent post, Onion-article-guy. Many parallels to Tucker's life here.
Nothing against Bunny, but her whole career is tied at the hip to Tucker Max. She comes off like somebody who has fallen into a cult. She defends Tucker because she HAS TO. She's hitched to his "star" and is riding it out for all it's worth.
The two bad parts about Erin Tyler are this:
1) She's a better writer than Tucker. Her "story" (based on her blogs) arcs pretty well. And thus brings to part:
2) For her to perfectly end her book, would be for her to leave Tucker. Since her book is based on her real life, and supposedly she's REALLY CLOSE to finishing her book, this won't happen.
It would be a poetic victory for her to leave Tucker, THEN write the book of having to deal with the world's worst boyfriend, instead of "how cool it is to be around my abusive drunkard scumbag ex-boyfriend".
I'm betting her book, if ever published, barely breaks 4 digits in sales and she's back to graphic design full time within two years.
the only way it sells is if she goes lorena bobbit on tucker. the only people that will buy her book are her lesbian fish eating friends.
998
999
1000 - What a fucking milestone. I hate Tucker, I hate Cloud, You all suck, and I have a huge penis.
Let's get this bitch up to 10,000. Tucker probably spends all day reading the messages here and crying.
I've said it before, I'll say it again, young Mr. Ryan the assistant really freaks me out. He's not just drinking the koolaid, he's swimming in it. He's like the freaky smart kid from high school who had the weirdest senior photo, and who always acted like he was destined for greatness.
$100 sez Ryan drops out of college.
^^ Word. Your post made me check his latest blog entry. Great holy jesus, that shit is not good. Its irritating how he writes with authority on success, even though he has never seen any of it.
The Elders of Zion are going to install Tucker Max as the world dictator. This is 100% true and will happen in the next decade or so. Furthermore, his regime is going to be completely totalitarian with absolute control over all media. This sucks for you haters.
Anonymous said...
The Elders of Zion are going to install Tucker Max as the world dictator. This is 100% true and will happen in the next decade or so. Furthermore, his regime is going to be completely totalitarian with absolute control over all media. This sucks for you haters.
^^
This is actually true, I heard the same thing as well. He is apparently easy to control even though he doesn't realize it.
If Tucker Max was dictator I would become a straight up terrorist.
Max's site gets high traffic because it is indirectly supported and promoted by the C.I.A. This might not seem to make any sense, but it will pretty soon.
Yeah, also you have to remember too that 9/11 was the work of the Elders of Zion and they are the ones who are going to make Tucker Max insanely powerful. They do shit in weird ways.
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The Elders of Zion are pleased to announce an exciting collaboration with Tucker Max. Our website launches in six months.
to kungfumike and ryan holliday-
give up your dreams of making it as writers because it will never happen. your writing is as weak and flaccid as those pathetic cocks of yours. you are not funny, interesting or creative in any way, and you offer absolutely nothing to the reader. liberal use of a thesaurus does not a great writer make. a guy like me can pump out comic genius in my sleep that puts you two chumps to shame. move on and forget this pathetic chapter in your utterly pointless lives.
to tucker-
everything i said above goes for you double pal. you are not funny. not at all. i honestly don't think you've ever written a single thing that made me laugh except for the bullshit anal sex story. moreover, you are not studly, charismatic, charming or athletic. most of the chicks you get with are ugly as fuck. especially that hideous bitch bunny. i can only imagine what her heinous snatch looks like; i think the image of it is probably forever burned into your memory from all the times you felched your own loads out of there. your tv show will never make it, your movie will be an utter failure, your book will suck large quantities of aids-infected cock, and you will end up a pathetic, washed up shell, similar to when you dropped out of the army. you, my friend, are a world-class cocksucker. now get the fuck out of here.
^^^ This guy is a winner...on the internets.
KungFu Mike is a successful, accomplished man. His family must be so proud because he's so revered and well-known and respected, due to all his noteworthy deeds.
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