The story below was copied from a
Facebook.com account. A link to this story in the comments to an older post awhile ago.
Tucker Max's face, meet Megan ******'s hand
Megan was discussing ball shaving with a nice man at a tailgate. Good start to this story;) NE ways, Tucker Max was also at the tailgate and started talking shit to Megan (he obviously thought she was a hot girl who would sleep w/ him if acted like an asshole, and he was showing off in front of his buddies). Megan hit him on the arm, and he said that meant Megan wanted to fuck him because if she hit him in the face, then he'd know she was mad. She then dissed his elastic waistband (yes, he was wearing elastic waistband shorts, what is he, 12?), and he said "its so stupid bitch whores like you can suck my dick without any confusion." So she slapped him in the face!!!
Tucker threw his drink at her, Candice threw her drink at Tucker with lightning fast reflexes, then he proceeded to grab Megan by her hair and hit her in the face with his pathetically small hands. With a bruised face, and a bruised ego, he took his shriveled penis back to his buddies.
In Tucker Max's own words, "My name is Tucker Max, and I am an asshole." Oh, and he hits girls.
15,917 comments:
«Oldest ‹Older 14801 – 15000 of 15917 Newer› Newest»@ 7:02 PM Talk all the shit you want
Alright we will. Thanks for the green light there buddy.
TMax is in the new Maxim under a list of douchebags pg.22
I actually feel sorry for the guy as people who read that mag certainly are his fanbase which now has been rocked.
The way they write at that magazine these days I wouldn't be surprised at all if they googled douchebag and came up with this site.
If his new book is gonna be called A-Holes Finnish first it can only be a miracle of mental gymastics on his part.
Finnish? No, no, the Finns are very nice people.
what kind of douche do you have to be to be called a douche by MAXIM MAGAZINE, a publication produced and read exclusively by douchebags?
Wow, just wow. So the very people who idolize him are now calling him a douchebag? Man, these johnny come latelys grind my gears. I'm old school hatin' tucker, I've been hating this guy since before the book and shit.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FxKtZmQgxrI
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZG1AWVLnl48
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IdQwKPVGQsY
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SOlG4T1S2lU
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TBvp1r2UpiQ
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ORWPCCzSgu0
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fIWKMgJs_Gs
flip, flip, flipadelphia
Hunter S. Thompson can stop spinning in his grave. The only reference to Tucker as "gonzo" on his Wikipedia page is an obscure website interview in his references.
It made me sick to my stomach to see the word "gonzo" in Tucker's Wikipedia description...
GONZO the GREAT!
read Tucker's twitter's since the IHTSBIH failure, and tell me it doesn't seem like he's trying to repackage himself as some sort of sports commentator.
^^^^^
Well he was a star athelete, right before becoming a green beret and then winning the Nobel Prize for literature.
Can't argue with those credentials.
Tucker never played basketball in high school. All his stories about him playing hoops for his NJ prep school are complete fabrications.
I wrote Jim Stone, head of athletics for The Blair Academy and said I was a writer for Rolling Stone who wanted to get some facts straight. Mr. Stone then referred me to one of his assistants who did the leg work for me. There is absolutely no record of Tucker Max ever playing basketball for The Blair Academy. None.
Another pantheon of the Tucker Max mythos taken down.
The tugger high school basketball inconsistency is easy to explain. Its all in his mind, after all he is absolutely looney tunes.
The Worst Movies of 2009
http://www.theotherpaper.com/articles/2009/12/17/blogs/outtakes/doc4b2a4c89c6052892753861.txt
1) I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell: I assume they show this movie in hell. Tucker Max neuters his frat-boy hijinks for the big screen, producing the most tedious and least edgy—let alone humorous—comedy of the year. This is the worst film of 2009 by a wide, wide margin. And that’s a feat in itself, because there was some heavy competition. Hey, Tucker: If you’re going to put out a phenomenal bomb about a bachelor party, maybe wait until we’ve all forgotten the epically superior The Hangover.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Tucker Max is a liar and a douchebag who has Tucker Max Failed.
Wow, the site is back up.
So what's up with Tucker anyway? Is he dead yet?
"flip, flip, flipadelphia"
Sunny in Philadelphia is genius...unlike Tucker.
I know "the quotable tuckermax" is up, but we really need a record of Biscuits and TDG responses. These classics need to be stored for all time.
Especially if Tucker ever tries to comeback. Just break them out and say..."look Tucker...you were an idiot before...nothing has changed."
Just you wait you pussies, Tucker's gonna bring the thunder down on all y'all. We're saving all your ISPs and gonna track each of you down and I will personally kick all your asses. ALL OF THEM!
No, but you see, IHTSBIH was better than the Hangover, because well it just is better than the Hangover. Like, sooo much better. Like, not even close. The Hangover is "old Hollywood", not "Tucker Hollywood". It was made back when people didn't know how to make movies. But IHTSBIH is better. Everyone knows it, except people who are like totally stupid and completely fucking clueless and can't get laid.
Also, KungFu Mike knows Kung Fu, and absolutely totally does not push and shove like a girl.
Keep thinking about Tucker.
i dont understand why tucker made this movie when he had the option of not making it
Remember how Tucker was always saying 'it's never been about the money?' well, guess what? he was true to his word. his movie didn't make ANY money- it LOST money. that means tucker wins. beeyotches.
I am! I'm thinking about Tucker!
Wait, lemme think really hard ... UNNFFFFF ...
hey, is thinking supposed to come out the butt?
I noticed IHTSBIH isn't eligible for an Oscar.
Didn't Tucker say he had heard talk about his script being Oscar worthy?
Somewhere there must exist a line that delineates the "hot" forms of shit-eating from the "gross and disgusting" forms of shit-eating. I suggest that line can be found thusly:
Suppose there's an anal gang-bang going on. Some chick is on her knees, maybe strapped to a board on the floor by her ankles and wrists, and a couple dozen guys are running train on her asshole. Cock after cock makes its way into her rectum and fucks her insides out until it deposits a fresh hot load of cum deep in her bowels.
After several of the guys have had their turn, churning the growing jizzmix in her gut, now let's say she's released from the board and allowed to rear-back so the frothy contents of her colon flow out past her distended, useless sphincter and into a bowl on the floor.
And now suppose she raises the bowl to her lips and drinks the mixture down.
In the cleanest of circumstances, the contents of the bowl are likely to be the same pure whitish that they were when they first went into her ass. But more than likely, the aggressive backdoor pounding and multiple shapes, sizes and angles of thrust have almost certainly shaken loose a little fecal matter and given the bowl of amalgamated come an ever-so-slightly brownish tint.
Still, watching this asswhore gulp down two dozen loads of manjuice fresh from her ass with her own essence mixed in is undeniably hot.
But, if you simply add a couple rabbit pellets to the mix -- tiny turds the size of a pea or gumdrop that fall out of her stretched rear cavity along with the nut -- then somehow this whole idea appears to be unseemly all of a sudden.
Thus we can discern that the line from disgustingly hot to simply disgusting falls between these two fairly close poles.
In sum, I think it can be analogized to spices, like cinnamon or nutmeg. A light addition to add flavor, color and aroma is welcome. But nobody really wants to suck on a mouthful.
Agreement? Disagreement? Refinement?
^^^^^^^^^
WTF?
A few years ago, while browsing around the library downtown, I had to take a piss. As I entered the john a big beautiful all-american football hero type, about twenty-five, came out of one of the booths. I stood at the urinal looking at him out of the corner of my eye as he washed his hands. He didn't once look at me. He was "straight" and married -- and in any case I was sure I wouldn't have a chance with him.
As soon as he left I darted into the booth he'd vacated, hoping there might be a lingering smell of shit and even a seat still warm from his sturdy young ass. I found not only the smell but the shit itself. He'd forgotten to flush. And what a treasure he had left behind. Three or four beautiful specimens floated in the bowl. It apparently had been a fairly dry, constipated shit, for all were fat, stiff, and ruggedly textured.
The real prize was a great feast of turd -- a nine inch gastrointestinal triumph as thick as a man's wrist.
I knelt before the bowl, inhaling the rich brown fragrance and wondered if I should obey the impulse building up inside me. I'd always been a heavy rimmer and had lapped up more than one little clump of shit, but that had been just an inevitable part of eating ass and not an end in itself. Of course I'd had jerk-off fantasies of devouring great loads of it (what rimmer hasn't), but I had never done it. Now, here I was, confronted with the most beautiful five-pound turd I'd ever feasted my eyes on, a sausage fit to star in any fantasy and one I knew to have been hatched from the asshole of the world's handsomest young stud.
Why not? I plucked it from the bowl, holding it with both hands to keep it from breaking. I lifted it to my nose. It smelled like rich, ripe limburger (horrid, but thrilling), yet had the consistency of cheddar. What is cheese anyway but milk turning to shit without the benefit of a digestive tract? I gave it a lick and found that it tasted better then it smelled. I've found since then that shit nearly almost does.
I hesitated no longer. I shoved the fucking thing as far into my mouth as I could get it and sucked on it like a big brown cock, beating my meat like a madman. I wanted to completely engulf it and bit off a large chunk, flooding my mouth with the intense, bittersweet flavor. To my delight I found that while the water in the bowl had chilled the outside of the turd, it was still warm inside. As I chewed I discovered that it was filled with hard little bits of something I soon identified as peanuts. He hadn't chewed them carefully and they'd passed through his body virtually unchanged. I ate it greedily, sending lump after peanutty lump sliding scratchily down my throat. My only regret was the donor of this feast wasn't there to wash it down with his piss.
I soon reached a terrific climax. I caught my cum in the cupped palm of my hand and drank it down. Believe me, there is no more delightful combination of flavors than the hot sweetness of cum with the rich bitterness of shit.
Afterwards I was sorry that I hadn't made it last longer. But then I realized that I still had a lot of fun in store for me. There was still a clutch of virile turds left in the bowl. I tenderly fished them out, rolled them into my hankerchief, and stashed them in my briefcase. In the week to come I found all kinds of ways to eat the shit without bolting it right down. Once eaten it's gone forever unless you want to filch it third hand out of your own asshole. Not an unreasonable recourse in moments of desperation or simple boredom. I stored the turds in the refrigerator when I was not using them but within a week they were all gone. The last one I held in my mouth without chewing, letting it slowly dissolve. I had liquid shit trickling down my throat for nearly four hours. I must have had six orgasms in the process.
I often think of that lovely young guy dropping solid gold out of his sweet, pink asshole every day, never knowing what joy it could, and at least once did, bring to a grateful shiteater.
Jethro, this is NOT helping.
Jethro, there are many places on the internet where people like you can meet like-minded sick fucks.
This isn't one of them.
Jesus.
Still not as annoying as McCoyMountain though.
Looks like Tuckeroo is slipping on the old NYT nonfiction paperback list. He's down to No. 10. When he finally slips off the list and sinks further into oblivion, what will he do to preserve his modicum of D-List fame?
Is Jethro suggesting that reading Tucker Max is like eating shit? And that the only people who like to read Tucker are depraved homosexual shit eaters. If that is his point, I must confess, his point is very profound. Tucker fans as shit eaters has never been discussed or explored as graphically on this or any other blog.
I can almost see Nils walking into the bus toilet and fishing around the bowl for one of Tucker's better specimens to munch on.
On second thought, maybe what Jethro is really saying is that Nils is fat. I mean really fat. So fat that he would eat human excrement.
Is Jethro suggesting that reading Tucker Max is like eating shit? And that the only people who like to read Tucker are depraved homosexual shit eaters. If that is his point, I must confess, his point is very profound. Tucker fans as shit eaters has never been discussed or explored as graphically on this or any other blog.
I can almost see Nils walking into the bus toilet and fishing around the bowl for one of Tucker's better specimens to munch on.
On second thought, maybe what Jethro is really saying is that Nils is fat. I mean really fat. So fat that he would eat human excrement.
Isn't human doo-doo butter toxic to humans?
^^^^
Ryan Holiday, this is some of your best work
1.4 mil is the new 200 mil
tucker max's movie really failed. that asshole didn't finish first at all.
Jethro must've read that story about how Ryan Holiday had to eat the corn out of the Bunny's shit in order to survive because he wasn't getting paid by Tucker.
If you don't remember this hilarious story then you haven't been reading this blog since it first appeared!
I think Jethro is posting actual examples of decent scatological humor, as opposed to what IHTSBIH tried to come up with.
I think Jethro is posting actual examples of decent scatological humor, as opposed to what IHTSBIH tried to come up with.
Poop humor is Jew humor. That's why Tucker thinks it's funny because he was raised by the JEWS and JEW babysitters and JEW nannies and JEW butlers and JEW tutors because his parents betrayed theyr blond Aryan heritage to indulge in JEW amusements and decadence for which they'll burn in hell forevermore before the eyes of ALMIGHTY GOD AMEN
along with all the jews
^^^ Antisemite guy, I think you're just a little jealous of Jewish success and innovation.
guys guys
this is state of the union, this is serious business here
could we have some respect and attentiveness please
I'm holding up two fingers people, what does that mean
people, I'm holding up two fingers, that's serious time
serious time, people, we need to quiet down and listen to Mister President
it's two fingers time, let's have some quiet
montasque, you need to listen to Mister President, he knows best
montasque, we don't call Mister President bad names here, that's just not acceptable
montasque, if you don't behave, I'm going to have to ask you to go sit in the corner
montasque, do you want to go sit in the corner?
well, this is serious time, montasque
we're not supposed to use that sort of language here, if you don't stop you might not get your gold star and smiley face this week
I'm very serious, montasque, this is your gold star and smiley face, but maybe you just won't get it this week
maybe you just won't get it, and you wouldn't like that, would you? well, you can get it if you're good, but this is serious time
It's hard to get a hold of Tucker these days since he closed down Rudius, the TMMB, and the blog. But, I'll post his phone number for your convenience. I'm sure many of you have several projects you want to collaborate with Tucker:
323-351-7640
Oh boy! Now I can get TUCker's feedback on my ideas for poopy jokes!
See this is the problem with this whole blog. On the RMMB, we had Tucker and the mods to tell us what was cool and what we were supposed to think. But here, I have to make these judgments myself. For example, Jethro really makes some compelling arguments in favor of eating shit. Anonymous anti-semite guy really makes some pretty compelling arguments why I should start hating jews. But what does Tucker think about all this?
Without Tucker or a mod to guide me, how do I know whether shit eating is cool? Sure its cool to have shit sprayed all over you during butseth; and cool to crap all over a hotel lobby and have some mexican cleaning woman take care of it; it's even cool to take photos of Bunny's dump, or get a blowjob while crapping. Tucker already taught us all of that. Is Jethro's suggestion really just taking Tucker's whole shit idea to the next level? I mean can at least Ryan, SLF, or Gries at least come on and tell me whether Tucker would approve? Its not easy living the whole "What would Tucker do," without Tucker to guide us. If the answer to what would Tucker do, is "eat do." Then for god sake, I need someone from Rudius to tell me.
And where does anti-semitism fit into the whole Tucker revolution. Did Tucker's movie fail for that age old reason? A zionist conspiracy. Did the jews let Tucker down in order to squelch the great revolution and preserve their power in Hollywood. Because if Tucker had succeeded, the Jewish hegemony over the film industry would have collapsed. Or maybe, Tucker, like fundamentalist christians is suggesting that we need to aid the jews so that they may be destroyed by the rapture.
I mean if Tucker weighed in and suggested that shit eating and anti-semitism were cool, of course I would be down with both. But what happens if I embrace both, and then Tucker emerges from the Tucker bunker/Fortress of Solitude only to proclaim both concepts are things only a poser would like? Then, won't I look foolish for being a shit eating anti-semite.
I mean, I know I'm not supposed to email Tucker about these things; and perhaps it will all be answered in his soon to be released masterpiece "assholes finish first, but the lack of current guidance from Tucker on how I should live my life is truly disturbing. Maybe it will be a DVD extra? Can he twitter something about these topics? Anything on facebook?
Maybe what I am really trying to say is that Nils is really fat.
Has Biscuits weighed in at all?
^^^ This is the best post in the post-crash era of this blog. Hilarious.
tugger used his real phone number in the movie. And it's also on the AFF (Assholes Fail Fast) book shot. He said he wouldn't change it but that was when he had money to pay his phone bill...
Anyone else remember when cloud starchaser called tugger and he freaked out?
you guys are aware that tucker has two phone right?
Fark.com has posted the results of the Gawker douche bag award. So far out of 157 comments Tucker is mentioned about 10 times and 4 of them are of the "Tucker Who?" variety.
Hey hey! Tucker Max!
With how many men have you had buttsex?
I see all you Freak Safari fags are still here. Haven't given up and come over to TiB yet?
Our traffic is up higher than traffic (messageboard only) ever reached on the rmmb.
Best forum on the internet hands down.
^^^^^^^^^^^
I agree
www.theidiotboard.com
Go check it out! Grind is a hilarious mod too!
The Idiot Board leaves a taste in my mouth fouler than the time I rocked the porto john on myself at the chili contest.
@5:51 PM: I just ran that through Google Translate. Nice one.
Merry Christmas to all those sane individuals who have been part of this wonderful blog over the last year or so.
Its Wed 23rd Dec 0745 pm and I'm sitting here in New Zealand having a quick update before heading into town for a few pre Chrismas drinks - hopefully sitting outisde somewhere enjoying the evening. Its the middle of our summer here so still light and bright and warm.
Just want to say thanks to all those clear thinking and often very funny people who have given me so many laughs (at Tuckers expense I hasten to assure) over the last many months. You have proven that for every one douche who tries to use the www to sucker and fool, there are plenty more who turn the tables and shine the light on the truth. You rock.
I guess all I'm tryng to say is Nils is kinda dumpy.
Did you hear...turns out Nils is Santa!!! Just minus the beard, white hair, red suit, and the rest of anything remotely affiliated with Christmas. What's left you ask? Wait for it............THE FAT!!!!
PS - Best Christmas gift ever is the comments to this blog being back up. Truth be told, Nils is a but a minor player compared to watching the entire internet take shots at old Tuckeroo. This seriously should be on any Best of 2000's Decade list.
I am the ambivalent shit eating anti-semite "ASEAS" who was questioning the RMMB marching orders on whether we should be following Jethro and Anonymous Anti-Semite's lead. Thanks to the folks that dropped the idiot board reference. I think it gives me some indication as to how I should proceed. As an initial matter, the fact that there were actually 140 some people on line at once on that board, shows you just how popular it is and what a great loss to the world that the demise of the Rudius Empire was. I mean, there are webistes devoted to the ingestion of fecal matter that have had more people on line than 140, so this was a big help to me that shit eating is definitely a compelling trend, up there with twittering and facebook. I mean the board has less than 3000 members, which is less friends than Danny Bonaduce has on his facebook page so we know its for real.
But the real sign from the rudius gods was the whole thread devoted to the best shit/piss story on the Idiot Board. I mean, here I am on this board trying to read the tea leaves as to whether I should be taking Jethro's lead, and those wacky boys from the Idiot Board just lay the answer out there.
Of course the answer to "What would Tucker Do?" is "eat do." Tucker has always been about being one with shit. Whether its the buttseth story, the "best most epic shit scene ever filmed," if Tucker is about anything, he is about the unique bond between man and his doodee.
Would I feel more secure if I could email Tucker and make sure that this is the path that he wants us all to follow? Sure, a wink is as good as a nudge to a blind man; and a message from the source would be the ultimate. But I am convinced now that following your own path, and living your own dream,--Tucker style-- involves fishing in bowls for stools to munch on. Forget law school. The revolution has begun. Indeed, I'm pretty sure that was the real message of the epic movie IHTSBIH. Shitting and anything dealing with shitting is always funny. If Tucker is all about "go big or go home," what's could be going bigger than actually eating crap, particulary if it is part of some depraved sexual perversion.
I'm still pondering the whole anti-semitic thing, but I have full confidence that Tucker will send us a sign. I'm leaning towards embracing anti-semitism because it is hard to see any other villian in the failure of Tucker's marketing, other than the jews. It certainly wasn't related to the movie's quality because all those people on the college tour thought it was epic. Hopefully, the idiot board will maybe run a thread on the best anti-semitic joke which will be the real sign that Tucker is all about jew hating.
I mean, the only thing funnier than a good shit story is a great anti-semitic joke. If you could make a movie where the characters eat shit and spew anti-semitism, it's bound to be as popular as IHTSBIH.
Thanks everyone for helping me on my quest to see where Tucker is taking us now.
You guys couldn't even get Tucker voted as Douche of the Decade.
You fail at being failures. I don't know what that makes you except worse than Tucker Max.
lol!
And I agree with whoever said that Grind from TiB is a hilarious mod. That place would be worse than Freak Safari without him.
Troy Duffy's Boondock Saints II broke the ten million B.O. mark. They also presold foreign rights for twenty million. Looks like Troy and company will have a great 2009-2010. Smart marketers.
Duffy had two shots at making a film and Tucker only had one. Plus duffy never wrote aNYT bestseller did he?
^^^ The whole reason Duffy GOT two shots at making a movie is because his FIRST shot was a good enough movie (in spite of all the drama surrounding it) that someone was willing to give him another go. Seriously, is anyone besides Tucker's infantesimally tiny fanbase, clamoring for a sequal? No. This isn't the late 90s- movies with wide commercial appeal don't 'sleep' anymore- Tucker's movie was crap, which is why it didn't 'blow up',
Also, the NYT bestseller thing is beyond tired. Seriously, Tucker reminds me of an Al Bundy-type- a failure at life who keeps bringing up his faded past glory because it's his singular great accomplishment. He's still going to be talking about how, once upon a time, he had a book that was briefly at the top of the supplemental list of the NYT, as if anyone other than him actually gives a damn.
"Boondock Saints" became a cult-classic through video rentals/sales - that's how Duffy got a shot at making a sequel.
Tugger's DVD won't even earn a tenth of what "Boondock Saints" earned, and there won't be a sequel.
you know what's most humorous about tucker fanboys, and ultimately, tucker himself? their hypocrisy, and their complete obliviousness to it. I mean, what's the first thing tucker or one of his acolytes says whenever anyone criticizes him? 'oh, yeah, well are YOU a NYT bestselling author?' The implication is that unless you've accomplished at least as much as he has, you can't talk. Yet here's a guy, has NO experience making movies or working on a collaborative project of any kind, yet he's telling all of Hollywood what's wrong with it, and that he knows a better way. it's the height of hypocrisy. what they're really saying is "only tucker has the right to wax knowledgeable on anything he wants- everyone else just has to shut up." the fucking sense of entitlement is ridiculous- it beats all.
Thikn about Tucker.
*Think
"who idolize him are now calling him a douchebag? Man, these johnny come latelys grind my gears."
Haha, like the Family Guy reference.
I'm thikning! I'm thikning!
Also, I'm thickening. In the middle. Cuz of donuts. And in the PANTS. Cuz of BRIGITTE BARDOT.
I like saying Brigitte Bardot.
Brigitte Bardot! Brigitte Bardot!
BRIGITTE BARDOT!
at least Tucky doesn't have to ask for anything this year, its hard to wrap up fail.
I wonder if tucky will be watching Q&A snippets from his tour on xmas watching his minute of fame flush like one of Bunny's poos down the toilet.
I never like to see anyone fail when they have put a large effort into something but in this case its awesome. If for just a minute they were at all gracious about I would be understanding.
It has been great to watch the absolute fail and breakdown of his media empire. To watch someone who pitches honesty be proven a liar who needs fanboys to stroke his ego go down in flames is great. To watch Nilsy eat a few dozen donuts, no so much.
"Tucker reminds me of an Al Bundy-type- a failure at life who keeps bringing up his faded past glory because it's his singular great accomplishment."
Al Bundy Scored Four Touchdowns in One Game.
Tucker lost ~$12 million of OPM (well, mostly OPM).
Ergo, Al Bundy > Tucker.
Quod Erat Demonstratum.
Happy Holidays to all you shitbaggers and fuckwads.
I can't believe you bitter haters are on this site on Christmas Eve. What kind of a fucking pathetic loser has no friends or family that they have to visit this site?
Fucking sad.
^^^ Yeah? And what's your excuse, scummbag?
Just to shake things up here I just fucked a hot girl and logged on here anyway to prove that people who post here can still get pussy.
I have a very loving family and extremely close friends, but still felt it was worth coming on here just to say that I hope TM has a shitty Christmas to round off his awful year.
But I hope all the haterz have a great day.
one of Tucker Max's tweets:
"@greggdoyelcbs--He's the truest Vandy grad there is: Peaked in college, now fat, soft and impotent, coasting on undergrad rep and parents $"
3:40 PM Dec 17th from web in reply to greggdoyelcbs
Irony, thy name is Tucker.
Keep thinking about Tucker.
Oh the weather outside is smurfy
But Tucker is so hurf-blurfy
That no matter how stupid he gets
He can't even inspire a bad rhyme
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
I like the way you think Mr.
well, this blog clearly has gone to shit since tucker's failure.
i stopped paying attention after the movie bombed, but has anyone heard any udpates about good old tucker? did he try to drink himself to death or anything?
This blog slowing down just symbolizes Tucker Max's complete irrelevance.
Awesome.
Tucker is now trying to position himself as an expert on college sports.
http://twitter.com/tuckermax
Does anyone think that Greg Doyel actually gives a shit about what Tucker has to say?
Gree is the new gr8tpoaster and must keep poasting
FOR GREAT JUSTICE
also, whats a tuckermax?
a tuckermax is a type of epic fail.
"I can't believe you bitter haters are on this site on Christmas Eve. What kind of a fucking pathetic loser has no friends or family that they have to visit this site?
Fucking sad.
12/24/2009 8:53 PM'
It is sad. But the only thing sadder would be to log onto a hater site on Christmas Eve just to check whether anybody was posting stuff on a hater site.
There is sad--posting hateful things about Tucker on Christmas Eve, no less.
There is really sad--logging on a hater site on Christmas Eve and then posting how sad you think it is that someone else posted a hateful thing on Christmas Eve, no less.
And there is Tucker Max sad--shutting down your own message board because your movie failed and then not even having your own message board to post your cheerful message of joy on Christmas Eve. Or even to complain about at least 3 reviewers who are including IHTSBIH as one of 2009's worst films.
Just like Tucker Max fail is the greatest level of failure one person can possibly achieve, Tucker Max sad is the highest level of sadness.
I love how you haters think that Tucker's movie falling short of his goals is some type of failure. He made the movie, it did what it did, and he moved on to new projects. The film will recoup on DVD and payTV and sequels will be his call.
Tucker dosent puts all his eggs in one basket but rather many baskets and many eggs. Guy is new york times bestseller and college icon to many. Get lives already.
Why does this blog exist?
Imagine you're a waitress struggling to make ends meet working a double shift to take care of your children when the door to your place of work opens and three drunk and loud pricks stumble in.
"8:49: We walk to a pasta bar for dinner. The waitress is immediately displeased by our behavior, "We usually don't get people as drunk as you coming in here." I decide her attitude needs an adjustment, "Do you know who these guys are? They routinely risk their lives so you are free to toss your fat ass around Lincoln Park like some haughty tramp, and you question them? Woman, get us some food and liquor, and be quick about it."
Imagine your an overweight woman having a tough day so you decide to stop at a McDonalds when the same three pricks walk in and stand behind you.
"8:58: We go to McDonald's. The woman in front of me in line spends more than 5 seconds contemplating her order. This infuriates me, "WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING FOR?, MC-SEABASS?? IT'S THE GODDAMN MCDONALD'S MENU, IT'S BEEN THE SAME FOR TEN YEARS! IT'S ALL MCSHIT! JUST ORDER!"
8:59: She quickly departs the restaurant. One might have described her departure as "fleeing in terror."
Now imagine you are workers at that same Mcdonalds. You are not people born into priviledge and your family doesn't have homes in Aspen and Boca, you are just people trying to work for a living.
"9:00: I don't know what I want. I just point at the Dollar Menu and say, "Give me all of that."
9:05: I am displeased with what I get. I try to send back certain items, like the apple pie. The 14 year-old Mexican boy working the Friday late shift doesn't understand. I get frustrated and just throw everything I don't like on the floor.
9:07: We decide to play Rich's favorite game: Window Pickle Races.
9:09: We have about 8 pickles on the window, each making ketchup and mustard streaked trips to the bottom. We argue about who owns each pickle. These become intense and profanity laced arguments. Military guys use very creative curse words. I didn't even know I had a "cock-holster" or a "man-pleaser."
9:14: The last people finally flee in terror. The restaurant is empty. We taunt them, and cheer as they leave. They, along with their small children, are all cowards.
9:15: The manager comes out and asks us to leave. Eddie is confused, "We can't get kicked out of McDonald's? This is like the DMZ of drunk eating. THIS IS WHY WE CAME HERE!"
9:16: The manager is a frail Mexican woman. She is scared of us. She goes behind the counter, then tells us to leave again. She waves the phone at us, threatening police intervention. We go."
Picking on women and teenagers. Making people feel uncomfortable in places they should feel safe?
And, this is just a few minutes in the life of this dickhead.
Anyone who supports or defends this guy needs to rethink their entire life.
That's why these blogs exist. Don't shed a tear for Tucker Max.
__________________
Suicide by media can take a lifetime.
i want to eat mccmoymountains pussy
I love how you haters think that Tucker's movie falling short of his goals is some type of failure. He made the movie, it did what it did, and he moved on to new projects. The film will recoup on DVD and payTV and sequels will be his call.
Tucker dosent puts all his eggs in one basket but rather many baskets and many eggs. Guy is new york times bestseller and college icon to many. Get lives already.
Holy cow are you delusional! Film will recoup its cost on DVD? Sequels??? YOU ARE NUTS!
BTW: if any weird people ask you to drink Kool-Aid, PLEASE SAY NO.
Where are the Tucker stories about him making fun of MMA dudes or black college football players?
I want to hear his stories where he tells a group of men how they are all pussies.
Instead we get stories of him ridiculing 14 year olds, women, and service employees making minimum wage.
Tucker is a frightened little piece of shit.
His failure is karma.
And Nils is fat.
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15555guy, you win 15555 internets
I miss Tucker's updates. His expectations always made me chuckle.
In about five years it'll occur to him that Kanye West "Imma let you finish but -" jokes are funny and he should start telling them.
http://host.madison.com/entertainment/movies/blog/article_afdfd5a6-f3d9-11de-8ace-001cc4c03286.html
So, without further ado, here are the five absolute worst movies I saw in 2009:
1. "I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell" -- One would expect the first film from sexcapade memoirist Tucker Max to be a total raunchfest, but "Beer in Hell" doesn't even get that right. Instead, it's a mean-spirited, misogynistic and, above all, boring exercise that seems to exist for Max to justify his existence rather than actually entertain anybody. And Max personally screened it around the country! He was proud of it!
Tucker Max Fail.
http://www.chicagotribune.com/entertainment/movies/chi-091217-best-worst-movies-pictures,0,3148368.photogallery
#23 - "I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell"
Director Bob Gosse never figures out which tone he's going for, let alone why. The result just might be the most hypocritical feature in the history of film as well as the history of hypocrisy, and along with serving beer, I hope they show "I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell" in hell.
http://74.125.93.132/search?q=cache:TnJG5BI2N_QJ:blogs.orlandosentinel.com/entertainment_movies_blog/2009/12/the-worst-movies-of-2009.html+%22Internet+frat-fraud%22&cd=1&hl=en&ct=clnk&gl=us&client=firefox-a
I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell: Oh, for those happy days when Internet frat-fraud Tucker Max’s name was familiar only to those who shared his misogynistic, homophobic and alcoholic worldview. Nobody went to his movie. But if The Hangover was too sentimental and politically correct for you, there’s always Hell on DVD.
Shooting Budget - $6 million
Destroyed Rental Property - $1000
P&A - $ 6 million
A print journalist calling Tucker Max an "Internet Frat-Fraud" - Priceless
http://www.chathamdailynews.ca/ArticleDisplay.aspx?e=2239373
The bad news is that while moviegoers indeed came out in droves to fork over their money, plenty of what they saw was dreadful. Miss March. I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell. I Love You Beth Cooper. Obsessed. Last House On The Left. If you sat through any of those, you know what we're talking about.
Tucker Max Fail.
http://www.columbusalive.com/live/content/features/stories/2009/12/best_of_2009/badmovies.html
"The past year was a relatively blessed one for this movie critic. I had colleagues who were there to shield me from the likes of "I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell" and "Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen," so I don't feel right calling these 10 movies the absolute worst of '09. But man, were they ugly."
http://blogs.browardpalmbeach.com/juice/2009/12/tucker_max_douchebag_joe_francis.php
Gawker may be a Manhattan media website, but you just knew that their Douchebag of the Decade contest would have to reach toward Florida, which (Let's just admit it, OK?) is Douchebag Ground Zero.
The poll launched (or re-launched, I suppose) last week, started auspiciously for Max, whose family is from Boca. A commenter named RollsRoyceRevenge made an impassioned, tear-jerking case that Max alone deserved this commendation.
I will post that essay after the jump, along with the name of the one man who managed to out-douche Max and my argument for why Max was robbed.
First, that essay:
"Consider the Douche: A Study
Tucker Max, douchebag, is famous exclusively for claiming to be an asshole. Yet all who know of him know that the term "douchebag" is the correct one. Why is this? What makes a douchebag a douchebag, as opposed to an asshole? The following thoughts have been set down by way of rumination on the ways and methods of the douche and how shall ye know him.
For the purposes of this essay, the douchebag is assumed to be male. While it is true that females can exhibit douchebag behavior, they are usually too busy fighting off male douchebags to do so. Those most often mistaken for female douchebags, Julia Allison among them, tend to be divas, another creature entirely.
It is also for this reason that I would argue against "douchebag" as being a sexist term. The Jezebels have pointed out that the insult is based on something a woman uses. I say that a smart woman uses a douchebag when she has to--and then she throws it away. Sounds like the perfect metaphor to me.
Douchebagging is a young man's game. After the age of 40, the classic douchebag becomes a scumbag--which is to say, a douchebag left out to become all cruddy and murky with the bitterness of middle age. Scumbags, like hyenas, are still essentially bottom-feeding losers, but years of failure and sexual rejection have turned them mean and honed their low, animal cunning. A scumbag can be violent in a cowardly way if you let your guard down. A douchebag is always a coward, period.
Another thing to note: douchebaggery is primarily concerned with establishing channels of social power based on the pack mentality. There is never a lone douchebag--they are social animals.
The term "douchebag" does not apply to such as Rush Limbaugh or Lou Dobbs. Aside from the issue of age (both Dobbs and Limbaugh being heaps of decaying, rot-bloated, cholesterol-laden, pre-cancerous flesh), neither is interested in social interaction per se, or in sex, the other great idée fixe of the douchebag. They, like most politicians and media figures, are festering shit-swollen boils on the ballsack of Beelzebub, but they are not douchebags.
The simplest way of conceiving it is this: a douchebag is a failed asshole. The asshole is the true alpha-personality: the douchebag is the cowed, quivering copycat. The asshole rarely thinks of his own assholishness--the douchebag plots and plans his assholery, only to have it collapse into a wet splashy puddle of douche. The asshole can, on occasion, be charming, attentive, generous or cultured--this is what makes him attractive, and therefore dangerous. The douchebag is never anything but a schmuck. The douchebag worships and loves and hates and envies the asshole. The asshole never notices the douchebag, except on those rare occasions when he is inspired to crush the douchebag to a pulp. The douchebag dreams of being an asshole. The asshole does not dream--he's too worn out by fucking the douchebag's girlfriend.
Assholes can be talented, even geniuses--thus the frequency one hears the term; "Gee, X is absolutely amazing at BLANK, but he's kind of an asshole." In this case, some of the perceived assholishness of the asshole comes from his willingness to put his talent before other human interaction. Assholes win Nobel prizes, Olympic swimming competitions, Academy Awards. The douchebag has no talent other than an ability, under certain circumstances, to appropriate the asshole's talent as his own.
Sex for the asshole is really about pleasure--his pleasure. That of the woman (or of the other man), comes a distant second or not at all. Sex for the douchebag is about power--first over the woman (in addition to being primarily male, douchebags are exclusively heterosexual), and then over the team of fellow douchebags he plans on bragging to of his conquest. Pleasure never enters the equation for either person because the douchebag always has one hand on his blog. Assholes can be discrete, basically because they don't want people to realize whatever sort of kink they're into. Douchebags are nothing if not vanilla in the sack, but are compelled to invent all sorts of grotesque practices, encounters and partners to cement their asshole status. Thus, Tucker lying about filming butthex in Opie & Anthony is the true epitome of douchebag.
Now, I'm not going to fly a big banner for assholes. Given the choice between asshole and douchebag, it is better to be neither. The life of an asshole is essentially a tragic one, leading to wasted talent, estranged families, friendless existences, financial ruin and something very, very, very wrong with your liver. No one possessed of a moiety of their marbles could ever point to a raging asshole and say: "Go thou, and do likewise."
However--and here's where Tucker Max comes in--true assholes never make a fetish out of their own assholishness. An asshole, like a tornado or a killer whale or some other initially impressive but ultimately destructive thing, simply is. James Bond, perhaps the ultimate asshole--a cold-blooded murderer, a spy, a sociopath--never once called himself an asshole. It was just: "Bond. James Bond." (Conversely, Pussy Galore, also an asshole, never had to say: "Gosh, I'm good at fucking!')
It is the burden of the douchebag to continually trumpet his own fake asshole status. If someone tells you "I'm an asshole" you are almost certain to be dealing with a douchebag. An asshole may tell you a horrific story of his past that leaves you thinking "wow, what an asshole;" the douchebag tells you the same story (which he heard first from the asshole), gingerbreads it to the point of obvious absurdity and concludes: "Yup, I'm really an asshole!"
Tucker Max has attempted to parlay his own weasely life into the Elysian Fields of Asshole, but belies his quest with every act. A remora fantasizing about being a shark, he describes himself as an asshole, blabs and boasts of his assholery, lies--obviously--about his stories, and is forced, douchebag that he is, to hire thugs to serve as his asshole-muscles (no asshole ever relied on some other dude to do his brawling). Panting desperately for the sacred status of mythological assholes such as Jack Nicholson, Marlon Brando, Miles Davis, Prince Harry, Robert Maplethorpe or Mick Jagger, he has succeeded only in making himself look ever more the quivering, bullying, squealing, lisping, jelly-bellied, flipper-waving, khaki-pants-wearing, Mommy's apron-clinging, frat-boy pee-stained sloppy-boppy poopy-pants pile of douche.
And this, friends and neighbors, is why Tucker Max is my vote for Douche of the Decade."
Truly, written during a moment of exceptional perception.
bored now
Fuck T-bag's phone number; I want to get his mother's digits.
Hey guys, check out this hilarious site I just found: tuckermax.com . It's all about how this guy named Tucker Max, who claims to be an asshole, goes out drinking and gets laid all the time! He wrote a bunch of short stories about his exploits and they are SO funny! Best of all, he even GETS PAID for doing these things. He has a New York Times Best-Selling book and makes over 10-Grand per month in advertising from his website. If that weren't enough, he also has a movie coming out that is going to revolutionize comedy. And to think, he did all that just by drinking and fucking! I think I just found my new hero, lol!
There's rock bottom, and then there's bitch at people "who steal your tweets" bottom.
Tucker hit that with his latest tweet.
@XXanderlee Hey shitbird, if you're going to steal my tweets, credit me. It's called re-tweeting.
Just wow.
Remember kids, if you've just failed massively in front of everyone - well, actually, just anyone who happened to be paying attention - and your life is generally a lost cause of a mess of a screwup and you have little reliable income and fewer prospects, the best possible thing to do is to go around calling people "shitbird" on the internet.
You asked for it Douchebag Blog, it's the Tucker Max TWITTER TRACKER!
"Look, that's great, but I really don't think Tucker Max tweets are that big of a deal..."
TWITTER TRACKER TWITTER TRACKER TWITTER TRACKER TWITTER TRACKER!!!
“Ok, whatever, these tweets better be REALLY GOOD, then.”
Oh, they are, Douchebag Blog, they are. Try this one on for size, Tucker Max tweets:
'In Cancun. Free Open Bar + Kentucky Basketball = Awesome '
- Tucker Max
“That was really dumb. I mean, who cares if Tucker Max is in Cancun?”
Oh I see, Douchebag Blog, you're demanding tweets that are even more sweet! Well, I gotcha covered! Here comes the big guns:
'Chris Brown got so mad at Wal-Mart he deleted his Twitter? WTF? That's like getting pissed at Rihanna and hitting Beyonce.'
- Tucker Max
“Ok, this is absurdly stupid. That wasn't the least bit funny or entertaining. I'm ending this segment.”
You can't end it yet, Douchebag Blog, you've still got to play SUCCESS OR FAAAIIIILLLLL, Oh Yeah, Oh Yeaaaaahhh!!!!!
“Umm, ok, how do you play?”
It's REAL SIMPLE, I'll read you a tweet and you have to guess if it's a story of success or fail! That's how you play SUCCESS OR FAAAIILLLLLL, Oh Yeah, Oh Yeah!!!!!
“Sigh, ok, go ahead, but hurry up.”
Is the following tweet a success or a fail:
'Being famous is so weird. Delivery guy asked for my autograph, then wanted to see my bedroom. "Wanna see where history is made. '
“Well, the person who wrote it said he's famous and that someone asked for his autograph, so he must be a success then!”
BZZZZZZZ, WRONG Douchebag Blog! That Tweet came from Tucker Max, which makes it an automatic Fail! You shoulda known that!
“For God sake, this segment is over!”
TWITTER TRACKER TWITTER TRACKER TWITTER TRACKER TWITTER TRACKER TWITTER TRACKER TWITTER TRACKER TWITTER TRACKER TWITTER TRACKER!!!
nope, still bored
I, for one, love the twitter tracker.
Max is a cunt.
Nils is fat.
"Delivery guy asked for my autograph..."
Of course he did, Tucker. He asks for the autograph of everyone he meets. It's his job, retard.
"...then wanted to see my bedroom. Wanna see where history is made."
Either this guy is from the same party as the ugly Asian, the frail dork with the lazy eye, and the Pillsbury Commando, or that last part didn't happen.
Oh, Tucker... Can you tell the truth about ANYTHING?
Any dude who wants to see where another dude fucks is either a gay dude or is a made up dude.
And Nils is fat.
I still fucked the Trixie.
In the ass.
Nothing wrong with Tucker that a few swift kicks in the nuts wouldn't solve.
New Griffinwrites.com Excerpt:
“Why the fuck do you have a red ribbon?” Tucker asked Griffin with a belittling snarl.
“Well, gee Tucker, I thought you’d like it. Red is sooooo pretty. I wanted to get pink, but they said even I was too faggy for pink and that I needed something a little more manly so I didn’t burst into flames from my flaming gayness. I offered to suck them off like I do for you, but they weren’t down with it. You’ll still be my friend right?” Griffin asked shyly, his hands clasped together like a new mother admiring her baby’s first steps.
“Yeah, whatever. Just go get me a left handed 3 iron, some O’Doul’s and a signed photo of Bea Arthur that says “Dear Griffin, put it in me, love, Bea.” Tucker demanded. “And do it while you have your left pinky exactly 3/4 inch into your flaming gay cum-recepticle of a rectum. Then maybe you can hang out with me and Nils for a couple minutes while we hit on girls 16 years younger than us.”
Griffin could barely contain his elation. “Oh, gosh, Tucker, no problem! I’d do anything for you. God, this movie is going to be such a success! I know that, when it enjoys a long successful run in the theaters, all my demenaing labor will be justified,” Chris said, slowly inserting his pinky with a self-gratifying sigh.
“God, you’re a fucking gay worthless maple leaf,” said Tucker.
“Gayer than A.I.D.S,” added Nils, barely able to speak through his obesity-laden breathing.
“Oh, you guys don’t mean that, whatever, LOL!” Griffin said, actually stating all three letters.
http://whatport80.com/Chris-chan (SFW)
http://encyclopediadramatica.com/Chris-chan (NSFW)
"The film will recoup on DVD"
hahahahahahhahahahahhahahahahah
this guy, and the guy who said Tugger makes $10k per month in ad revenue from his website are almost as delusional as the King Douche himself!
"The film will recoup on DVD"
Are you kidding me ? A DVD that was not available for the holidays ? Your movie was so crappy that nobody can even get a pirated version.
I know this is a stretch but if turkey was smart he and his media empire would leak a copy of the DVD to a bit torrent site. Like I said, smart and tucky are not a good mix.
Oh, and Nilsy is fat.
But the thing is, this movie does have a star: Me. My book has sold 350k+ copies, my website has gotten tens of millions of unique visits over the past five years, and I have built up a huge fan base over the past six years. I am not saying I can open a movie on par with Will Smith or Adam Sandler, but my name is going to have a lot more pull than most actors, directors or writers. Fuck man, I could shit in a bag and draw more people than saw David Mamet's last piece of crap.
Wrong.
A-list David Mamet = "$2,674,090"
Spoiled Clueless Douche = "$1,429,299"
Fail.
Public fail.
Very public fail.
Pretend it never happened and talk sports as if life goes on and you're not bothered.
If you actually saw IHTSBiH, then you know that Tugger basically did "shit in a bag".
Too bad no one actually went to see it.
I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell is only going to have 20000 DVD copies printed. It isn't even going to be featured in any previews of any C-List movies coming out (that includes the National Lampoon Franchise).
You've heard it here first.
is this thing out on torrent yet
im really psyched to watch tuckers movie
torrents? torrents?
you wanted to crown them, so crown their ass!
15599
this is a repeat story and totally made up. nice try, Mcbeefsmoker.
this is a repeat story and totally made up. nice try, Mcbeefsmoker.
"Anything The Hangover can do we can beat. Easily."
Tucker Max
The Hangover made $459,422,869 (so far)
I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell made $1.4 million (total)
TiB > Freak Safari.
Just saying you fucking homos.
Entire world > weak minded pussies who worship a fratty douche spoiled lispy rich kid liar standing on a pillow to falsify his height while talking down to them and failing on massive scale.
Actually, it takes a pretty chill dude to go from seeing one's life's work collapse in a pile of unrealized expectations and disappointed hopes, to just then move right into offering opinions on college sports and calling people names on the internet.
I mean, think about it: who's done that before? Never, that's how often. But Tucker Max can do it.
And shit.
what happened to the Trixie blog?
Not internet messageboards > internet messageboards
Dib dibbity, dib dibbity, dib dib Daroo
A dib is as dib is as dibby as you
Dib dibbity, dib dibbity, dib dib Daroo
Good dibs will be dibbed when I dib blibs boo hoo!
http://www.tallahassee.com/article/20100101/ENT/1010308/1005/ent/Let-s-get-Lost-in-the-worst-movies-of-09
2.) "I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell": Yes, and let's hope the devil's brew is some sort of watered-down lager that has a hearty cat-urine aftertaste for all involved in the making of this movie. The raunchy, men-behaving-badly romp "The Hangover" looked like a refined Noel Coward comedy compared to this repellent, misogynistic wallow in pointlessly lewd behavior. It was apparently based on an obnoxious, locker-room blog written by proudly self-proclaimed jerk Tucker Max. The mine field was clearly marked.
Just wait till Oscar season. All you haterz will see then.
23 days until the DVD is out. Then the torrents will run red with the blood of Tucker's butchered script.
lauraconnor:
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1220628/board/thread/154444387?d=154527166&p=1#154527166
Wow. Wow, wow, wow. I didn't think people like this actually still existed. Every single point that has been made and backed up and evidenced and beaten to death, and NONE OF IT HAS GOTTEN THROUGH TO HER.
Laura Connor is Tucker Max.
"And when they showed interest in coming to see it (IHTSBIH) with me, that quickly disappeared when they found out the nearest theater was over an hour’s drive away from campus."
I don't get this argument. A movie theater may be an hour away from you, but it is not an hour away from EVERYONE. Presumably, there must be some people living near the theater. Is your argument really that, by the biggest stroke of misfortune in movie history, every theater selected was somehow an hour away from a rabid cache of Tucker fans? It was in LIMITED RELEASE, and still couldn't come close to selling out theaters. What does that tell you?
Great point and completely ignored by Tucker and his zombies.
I jumped the gun (According to Amazon.com)
It is now 23 days until the DVD is out. Then the torrents will run red with the blood of Tucker's butchered script.
"You support Tucker, so you must BE Tucker" is a dumb argument.
There is a cracking thread over on IMDB at the moment with "Lauraconnor" defending TM.
It is, however, so clearly and obviously Tucker himself that it's becoming painful to read.
...painfully hilarious.
Well fuck-a-doodle doo to all you shitwaders and fuckballs. Eat a ball of Nils you fat fucks. Dinkle dinnkle doo. goddamn this 8.2% beer is kickin my ass.
/Don't drink and drive kids
forget about this idiot, Artie Lange is dead!!!!!!!
Source on Artie Lange? I'd be sad to see him go and don't see anything else on the interwebs confirming.
Laura Conner = Erin Tyler. Those who think that's tucker are slow learners.
So remember how Tuckernuts said he'd post the different versions of his script, and he said he'd post about went went wrong with his little movie project? Still hasn't come through. That's his worst quality: his mouth keeps writing checks that his ass can't cash. If he just didn't do that, he'd be so much more respectable.
ITS THE JYOOOOOOOZZZZ
22 days until the DVD is out. Then the torrents will run red with the blood of Tucker's butchered script.
Tucker fancies himself a visionary, an artiste, and sophisticated.
Here is a typical Tucker Max fan, reviewing the book:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RM-MFftnWwM
Yeah, tucker, you're really attracting the upper crust, there, buddy.
Back in law school, Tucker used to be an unguided missile of failure. Now he is a smartbomb of failure.
Back in law school, Tucker used to be an unguided missile of failure. Now he is a smartbomb of failure.
My name is Tucker Max. I disregard social norms, like success. I mock idiots and poseurs (such as those who like to brag about wealth and fame on twitter despite being broke and "Spencer Pratt Famous"). I consider myself polarizing although pretty much everybody agrees I am an insecure, lying douchebag and nobody finds me clever.
I do contribute to humanity in one important way, though - I share my made up adventures with fellow social misfits with bowl haircuts, some of whom claim I "demote" women.
This is our little game. It's like a version of D&D.
21 days until the DVD is out. Then the torrents will run red with the blood of Tucker's butchered script.
Warping to stargate.
Warp. Drive. Active.
Autopilot jumping.
Autopilot disabled - waypoint reached.
Remember how Tucker spoke about IHTSBIH opening in 50 theaters in England?
Either it's already been pulled from theaters or it never opened. I couldn't find the movie in one theater in England:
http://uk.movies.yahoo.com/cinemas/?sp=sel&zip=london
^^^^^^^
I did you one better, I checked all the other theaters in all the other major cities and areas in the UK and it isn't playing anywhere in Britain.
Nice job dude.
The lauraconnor debacle on IMDB demonstrates one thing clearly, that regardless of whether it's actually Tucker or not, that douche is finished on the internet.
Anywhere online that he might try and defend himself or rehabilitate his image, someone will be there to call him on his bullshit.
Stick a fork in him, he's done.
Best and Worst Movies of 2009
http://www.moviehole.net/201022655-brians-bestworst-films-of-2009
I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell
An adaptation of author Tucker Max’s “best-selling” novel, “I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell” is a film drenched head to toe in misogyny. I knew that going into the movie, had the seat buckled and everything, but the picture shocked me with its vicious attitude toward the fairer sex, pushing an agenda of pure, uncut hate under the nauseating guise of a freewheeling fist-bump, frat-boy comedy. The feature is soul-flatteningly revolting every step of the way and unreasonably fixated on the humiliation of women, while boasting the sort of cardboard-and-flashlight production value one might find on a “Survivor” audition tape. And if all the “He-Man Woman Haters Club” shtick doesn’t wear you down to tears of boredom (and possible self-castration, just to maintain any sort of comfortable distance from these ghoulish male “heroes”), the film climaxes with an extended diarrhea emergency sequence. Tucker Max hates us all.
Fist bumping is kinda stupid.
High fives at least have some energy behind them. Fist bumping, you have to be careful and gentle and kinda gay.
"The lauraconnor debacle on IMDB demonstrates one thing clearly, that regardless of whether it's actually Tucker or not, that douche is finished on the internet.
Anywhere online that he might try and defend himself or rehabilitate his image, someone will be there to call him on his bullshit.
Stick a fork in him, he's done."
I'm not so sure, laura makes some very good points about Tucker's art and his ultimate message of redemption through scat stories!
I'm convinced. I'm going to join the RMMB and start e-sucking Tucker.
im proud of you doucebags. we really helped expose tucker max as the douchebag liar he is.
tucker died with a lispy whimper. i celebrate.
-ryan holiday's intern
20 days until the DVD is out. Then the torrents will run brown with the diarrhea of Tucker's shitty script.
Grrrrrrrrrrrrr
when is Kung Fu Mike going to update!!!
I miss his writing!
^^^ Why don't you just call him and ASK him to update? You ARE his mother, after all. Who else would possibly claim to enjoy his writing?
whennn isss eriin tylerrs book coming outt????????? plss
-the whole internet
"whennn isss eriin tylerrs book coming outt????????? plss
-the whole internet"
I'm sorry I haven't had time to write, but a good friend of mine recently suffered a devastating business setback and is a bit depressed. He's eating nothing but Taco Bell and McDonalds; and I can't get him to stop making these paper models of Zepplins, on which he draws his company's logo.
I'm trying to get him back to doing the things he loves to do, but he hasn't given his dog any puppy kisses or gone to the range in weeks. Not even a blumpkin would cheer him up; and the Cleveland Steamer he dropped on me barely brought a smile.
I promise to finish the book as soon as my, well I guess I can kinda call him my boyfriend, snaps out of it.
Bunny
XOXOXOX
PS, Thanks to all my fans.
HI I AM BIFF AND IM A DOUCEBAG TOO!!!!
- BIFF!!!
PS I WILL WRITE A BOOK TOO PROMISE
PPS IT WILL BE VERY GOOD
PPPS IT WILL BE CALLED 'BIFFTASTIC' AND IT WILL BE VERY FUNNY OK????
- BIFF!!!
Ryan Holiday still gives career advice:
http://www.ryanholiday.net/archives/self_congratulation.phtml#comments
19 days until the DVD is out. Then the torrents will run brown with the diarrhea of Tucker's shitty script.
Everything I touch is golden... until it makes contact with the open air -- then it turns black, like oil.
- Tucker Max to himself in his room, tears streaming down his face.
Jennifer Clark: Have you or have you not fucked Tucker Max?
CONFESS!!!
Tucker's tweet:
# Just took my range rover for service. The mechanic is a really hot woman. Thought that only happened in porn. 3:51 PM Dec 30th, 2009 from Echofon
I LOVE YOU BIFF!!!!!!!!
--biff's secret admirer
Epic broadway fail?
http://news.google.com/news/url?sa=t&ct2=us%2F0_0_s_0_0_t&usg=AFQjCNGuL6ML-LxptMtRk7C_v7Wdjb-0GA&sig2=w5JOdRFBq9fAkppKRxwL_g&cid=17593689378810&ei=OVNHS5juLIyMNp_rn-ID&rt=SEARCH&vm=STANDARD&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.broadwayworld.com%2Farticle%2FRialto_Chatter_Tucker_Max_to_Get_Broadway_Treatment_20100107
I eat menstrual pussy like a carniverous dinosaur with blood lust.
The Bunny is in recovery now....so I doubt she's having any contact with Tucker. Hopefully AA saves her life.
19 days until the DVD is out.
You'd think that with less than three weeks to go, Tucker's website and the Movie website would be hyping up the DVD release. They'd have prominent 'pre-order' links, perhaps even offering special incentives in order to drive those all-important first week sales.
Of course, you'd think wrong.
-- The Power of LOVE --
* A puppet enters stage right, clad in white with red-painted hands holding an enormous cigar, with red dye spilt down its dress (BLOODHANDS). *
BLOODHANDS:
Aha!
Those nasty, stinky, Minmatar
subhumans make me shudder.
I will cleanse them from the gene-pool.
I will show that I'm a blooder.
Bring them here -
But not too near.
Their blood's impure:
I'll not endure
It any longer than I must,
While they are blasted into dust.
* Another puppet enters stage left, this one in green printed with a contrasting A-in-circle and holding a shotgun (ANARK). *
ANARK:
My love!
BLOODHANDS:
My love!
ANARK:
While rapture is mine at the glorious benison of your presence... ...
I ask you in the name of LOVE to cease,
And offer to these slaves their just release,
Because this action doesn't show your finer spirit, dear.
And besides, it looks quite bad for my PR.
BLOODHANDS:
"Love"?
"Love"?!
I'd been thinking "blood and Jamyl",
Now you come and try to trammel
My expression of free choice,
And undermine my schemes.
Though my hands and dreams are scarlet,
Some dare doubt me, claim the harlot
Anarchist controls my voice,
And works against my dreams.
I've stated that I want these vermin dead.
I must deliver on the words I've said.
And now you ask me this, when I have made myself quite clear.
So, you see, it looks quite bad for my PR.
ANARK:
* Looks winsomely and winningly - as only a puppet can - at BLOODHANDS. *
Love is proof against regressive emotions of fear and hatred, loathing and prejudice. Love teaches us to look for the best in mankind, not recoil from the worst. Love connects us to what we were and shows us what we can be. Love gives us purpose and reason. It draws us back from the abyss and lights the fires in the night-time of our soul.
Besides, my dear, it's the only way to spin ourselves out of this mess.
BLOODHANDS:
* Sucks on her cigar *
* Sighs *
I get to hold the leash tonight, though.
[CONTINUED]
[CONTINUED]
* The BLOODHANDS puppet moves to the front of the stage. *
BLOODHANDS:
I'm a blooder, fierce and scary,
Quick to hire a mercenary,
Or to make folk dance attention
When it suits my whims.
I love Jamyl, thrones and power,
If you slight me I will glower.
So be careful what you mention
If you like your limbs.
* The ANARK puppet moves to the front of the stage. *
ANARK:
I'm an anarchist, all fractious.
I can't get no satisfactious
Love from those less fi-e-ry,
Or from those less strong.
I love clashing words and battles,
Freedom, liberating chattels,
Writing in my di-a-ry,
And telling folks they're wrong.
BLOODHANDS and ANARK:
So when we met the cluster held its breath,
And waited to see blood or love or death...
* The two puppets move toward each other at the centre of the stage, tentatively bumping hands. *
ANARK:
Cupcake?
BLOODHANDS:
Snookums?
* The puppets each raise a hand and flap it twice in a "scare-quotes" gesture. They turn to face each other and begin chanting: *
ANARK:
Humm... I see a truth in your heart that gleams. With eternity we will find our secrets and heart's desires in the light of distant stars. Humm...
BLOODHANDS:
Humm... I feel a silent whisper travelling the tapestry of stars, breaking the rules of time and space itself to reverberate directly into my heart. Humm...
ANARK and BLOODHANDS:
Humm... What I know is this: as long as our hearts have known the nature of true love, there are no wrongs or rights between us. Will never be. Because there where it matters most, we are always one. Humm...
* The earlier jaunty music resumes. The puppets turn to face the audience, make the scare-quotes gesture again, and begin a high-kicking chorus line. *
ANARK and BLOODHANDS
We both like duels and insults,
And we both know we're the best.
And so, you see,
Our hearts and minds are one...
ANARK:
We are super-human godlings,
BLOODHANDS:
Quite unlike the lesser podlings.
BLOODHANDS and ANARK:
Laws are for the little folk,
Not wonders such as we!
ANARK:
We purge the memes.
BLOODHANDS:
We purge the genes.
ANARK:
We free the weak and the oppressed.
BLOODHANDS:
We free them from the burdens of their lives...
ANARK:
Pig-dogs should all quake before me.
BLOODHANDS:
That's unless they will adore me.
ANARK:
Spill the blood of the oppressor!
BLOODHANDS:
I'll spill any blood I can.
ANARK & BLOODHANDS:
And through it all,
Our hearts and minds are one.
ANARK:
I've conquered death and shot God in the face,
But now I am a captive to your face.
BLOODHANDS:
I want to see a Sani Sabik state,
But somehow when I'm kissing you it's great.
BLOODHANDS:
Oh my darling, you're my cutie.
ANARK:
And you are my raving beauty.
ANARK and BLOODHANDS
In your arms I've come to see the light...
Of love with you makes ev'rything seem right.
FINALE:
All paradoxes reconciled.
All those who'd question us reviled.
And that which makes us do all this?
We'll seal it with a luscious kiss:
Our most ti-ta-nic,
Mes-si-a-nic
LOVE.
* THE END *
I LOVE U TOO ADMIRER
BUT ONLY IF UR NOT FAT OK????AND ONLY IF UR NOT A GUY CUZ DA BIFFSTER IS TOTALLY NOT GAY OK
- BIFF!!!
Big Stupid Tucker's DVD just got reviewed. Most notably, it appears Tucker didn't follow through on all the extras he was promising. Cutting to the chase, the reviewer's impression is: "Skip it."
Here's the link followed by the review of the DVD itself:
http://www.dvdtalk.com/reviews/40603/i-hope-they-serve-beer-in-hell/
"The DVD Video:
The transfer on the test disc sent for review is bugged with a PROPERTY OF 20TH CENTURY FOX emblem and as such, obviously doesn't represent final product. The single sided, single layered test disc shows some compression artifacts in the background and in the darker scenes but otherwise looks to be pretty decent. Colors look good, skin tones as well, and there isn't anything in the way of print damage worth noting. We can probably safely assume that finished retail product will look pretty good, but again, that's an assumption...
Sound:
The English language Dolby Digital 5.1 Surround Sound track, which comes with optional subtitles in English and Spanish, sounds pretty good. The dialogue is clear and easy to understand and the levels are well balanced. The strip club scenes offer up some nice directional effects and rear channel action and while this is a primarily dialogue based movie, some ambient and background effects fill things out nicely. The score sounds good, it's got some nice punch to it, and there aren't any problems to report with hiss or distortion. The movie sounds quite good, really.
The Extras:
Extras are slim on this release. You'll find trailers for three unrelated Fox releases and roughly twenty-four minutes of Outtakes, which provides more footage in the bar, the strip club, and other locations the film plays out in. Most of these are alternate takes and extensions and don't really offer up much of interest. Static menus and chapter selection are also included.
Overall:
I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell isn't funny, intelligent, or moving in any way shape or form. Yes, it's profane, it's crass, and ridiculous but that doesn't make it worthwhile or interesting. The test disc Fox sent for review purposes obviously doesn't represent final product but we can probably assume that the disc looks and sounds fine even if the extras are really slim. Those who enjoyed the movie will probably be fine with the presentation, but really, it's hard to find much of worth here. Skip it."
Moving on, I just can't get enough of Tucker's 10 year prediction for the DVD:
"Doing poorly at the box office sucks right now, but in ten years when “I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell” is one of the best selling DVD’s of all time and spawned hugely successful sequels, etc, etc…well, I think everything will end up fine."
I think I'll calendar this out 10 years and shoot him an e-mail asking if everything is fine now that his DVD is one of the best selling of all time; also having spawned successful sequels. I can only assume the "etc., etc." in his quote means that Rudius Air and the Rudius Crossbow Range empire will also be in full swing.....in 10 years. Can't wait for that all to come true like the rest of Tucker's predictions.
18 days until the DVD is out. Then the torrents will run reddish-brown with the bloody diarrhea of Tucker's butchered shitty script.
What the hell is rudius air and crossbows????
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
go here:
http://www.quotabletuckermax.com/
and read the first post.
im in loves with THE BIFFSTA!!
biff gets all the girls
hey tucker, you should be more like biff
tucker IS biff.
WWBD
What Would Biff Do?
^^^ Liar.
Oh, wait. I'm sorry, I thought you wrote "tucker is BUFF."
My mistake. Carry on.
hai doucebags. ive made a sequel to my tucker max/hitler youtube video:
http://www.youtube.co/watch?v=9HdSfiKY8y4
-ryan holiday's intern
fixed url: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9HdSfiKY8y4
^^^ Fucking hilarious, man.
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