Saturday, March 24, 2007

Story About Tucker From Facebook.com

The story below was copied from a Facebook.com account. A link to this story in the comments to an older post awhile ago.

Tucker Max's face, meet Megan ******'s hand

Megan was discussing ball shaving with a nice man at a tailgate. Good start to this story;) NE ways, Tucker Max was also at the tailgate and started talking shit to Megan (he obviously thought she was a hot girl who would sleep w/ him if acted like an asshole, and he was showing off in front of his buddies). Megan hit him on the arm, and he said that meant Megan wanted to fuck him because if she hit him in the face, then he'd know she was mad. She then dissed his elastic waistband (yes, he was wearing elastic waistband shorts, what is he, 12?), and he said "its so stupid bitch whores like you can suck my dick without any confusion." So she slapped him in the face!!!

Tucker threw his drink at her, Candice threw her drink at Tucker with lightning fast reflexes, then he proceeded to grab Megan by her hair and hit her in the face with his pathetically small hands. With a bruised face, and a bruised ego, he took his shriveled penis back to his buddies.

In Tucker Max's own words, "My name is Tucker Max, and I am an asshole." Oh, and he hits girls.

15,917 comments:

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Anonymous said...

So what if it was amateur hour? Nothing 5x the budget can't fix! (Based solely on it being his second movie... and nothing else. He's got it all figured out now, trust me.)

Anonymous said...

"rock star"

"movie star"

"all-star"

"internet celebrity"

Which of these things is not like other? Which of these things just doesn't belong?

Anonymous said...

^^^ Yeah, get your laughs in now. 9/25/09, everything changes...

Anonymous said...

The OC/DC synop listed here is almost two years old. There is already a completed draft of the script make the rounds.

Anonymous said...

I just hope Tucker is stupid enough to waste time on a OC/DC script. Maybe it'll have a DC politician having butt thex.

Anonymous said...

Here's a Tucker Max story you haven't heard of yet, and this goes back a few years when his book was just published and started making money.

I worked as a literary agent at the firm that signed Tucker. We basically deal with books about poker and gambling as well as male based literature. While I was not part of "Team Tucker" I was very good friends with the agent who represented him and got him his first book deal (when nobody else would touch him).

Tucker was pretty much a douche, but once the book started making money he became something else. He would have tantrums in the office of his agent that would permeate the rest of the floor. He would scream and shout how he was "being robbed" when we ran a legitimate operation. Facts of the matter are this, his agent GOT HIM THE DEAL. Tucker (somebody with a legal background, enough so to understand contract law) SIGNED THE DEAL.

As with any agency, all money that one of our clients earn goes through the agency before the writer is paid. This way the writer is guaranteed his money as they are backed by the agency and their legal/accounting leverage. This is STANDARD. This is the way how things are done. We take our percentage and cut the check.

Anyway, this did not work for Tucker Max. He accused the agency of stealing from him. The reason was because the publisher had taken a bit longer then we were told to send us the check. Tucker's agent assured him that it could be nothing further from the truth and he had nothing to worry about. These things happen more often than not, it's the nature of the business.

Of course this was not good enough for Tucker. He threw a huge tantrum in our offices and threatened pretty much every agent on the floor, saying "If I don't have my money by XXX date, I'm coming back here and beating you all with a bat". That's not exactly what he said, but it was about as close as you can get. This was a "professional" writer whom had just gotten his first book deal, and he was now accusing the people who got the deal of theft. The firm is a legit business enterprise, but this was not good enough. Tucker said he could do things better and cut the middle man (the agent) out of the equation.

Problem was, Tucker couldn't really get out of the contract and my firm has (and still is) receiving money from IHTSBIH. To clarify, he's not making that much per book. That's pretty standard of ANY FIRST TIME UNKNOWN AUTHOR. They make their money on the 2nd book and so on. I won't say how much he's making, but it's less than 1/2 of the .80 cents per copy that is being claimed in these forums.

Also, he never got anything remotely approaching 300,000 for his 2nd book. You might as well have told everybody that you could throw a football over them there mountains. His book, while MODESTLY successful, had nowhere near the amount of sales to warrant even close to 100K let alone 300K.

Hey TUcker, if you're reading this, it's Greg from your old agency. Fuck you bitch, I'm glad you failed.

Anonymous said...

tucker's new movie is going to be called lawyer/special forces

or maybe

writer/mma

or maybe

5'8/6'0

or maybe

Don't email me/about this people

Anonymous said...

tucker's new movie is going to be called lawyer/special forces

or maybe

writer/mma

or maybe

5'8/6'0

or maybe

Don't email me/about this people

Anonymous said...

HK-47: Once again, fat one, you have miscalculated.

Anonymous said...

ahh the cowboys win, tucker is still failing and greg from from 6:22 is the icing on this cake

I love this time of the year

Anonymous said...

And tucker is NOT a viable property in Hollywood.

Don't I remember the crew giving Tucker a straight-jacket at the crew party. Yea I'm sure Hollywood is buying into his unapologetic masculinity

All the karma and ironic quotes are the funniest thing on the internet, since star wars kid

Anonymous said...

Unapologetic masculinity sounds like it has somthing to do with moustaches and assless chaps.

Tucker Max is 6' tall
(on tippy toes, standing on a cushion)

Anonymous said...

Someone should do a biography of Tucker Max called "The Cushion In The Room".

Anonymous said...

I HAVE TO HAVE A MUGSHOT ON MY BOOK COVER. HAVE TO! THE SHOT WILL KILL. KILL! ONLY PROBLEM...I'M 5'8. WHO WILL BUY A BOOK OF A GUY STRUGGLING TO LOOK UP AT THAT MAGICAL 6'0 LINE? WHAT TO DO???

Anonymous said...

9:22:

The Eagles got hosed. McNabb clearly got the first down.

Anonymous said...

I hear Universal Studios in Florida is going to do a IHTSBIH water ride.

It's called "The Tucker Max Flop Experience".

Anonymous said...

Judging by the thickness of the cushion, it looks like Tucker is about 5'10'' 1/2.

Anonymous said...

Tucker Max is unapologetically 6'0.

Anonymous said...

I Hope They Have Booster Seats in Hell

Anonymous said...

Tucker is sort of a prophet. He thought he was going to open crossbow ranges, and he will. He will have to get a real job now, possibly somewhere masculine like an archery range (?), and part of his duties might be to open the place in the morning.

Tucker Max Fail

In other news, Nils is single-handedly helping us fight the secret war against china. He is bankrupting chinese food buffets one by one.

Anonymous said...

Over 15,000 posts about how tucker max is a douche bag, and tucker couldnt even get 15,000 people to see his terrible movie.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IOkzxsqqP6o

Anonymous said...

the internet is just like high school, tucker. we all hate you and know you're full of shit here too.

and nils can kick some serious ass. and by "kick some serious ass" i mean "physically harm a buffet". it's closing time, ChinaStar's All You Can Eat.

rudius media should sponsor an eating contest, followed by a lying contest. i know who would win both!

Anonymous said...

This isn't even the biggest one of his failures.

(his life is bigger)

Anonymous said...

"the internet is just like high school"

Dude. So THAT's why the hot cheerleaders won't talk to me now either.

Anonymous said...

http://www.flickr.com/photos/rudiusmedia/3184121584/in/set-72157605834204363/

He took down the photo of him standing on the briefcase pretending to be 6' tall...

Anonymous said...

"When two strangers who happen to be identical twins meet at an airport they decide to switch identities for one month. Brad (the over-achieving son of a high-strung DC Senator) trades his life of privilege and prestige with Chad (a laid-back surfer from the shores of southern California) leading both men to discover that the true path to happiness in life is one you must walk for yourself."

Hasn't this already been done before?

Oh yeah, the Olsen Twins did a movie about this right? Real original Tucker...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

Anonymous said...

"Here's a Tucker Max story you haven't heard of yet, and this goes back a few years when his book was just published and started making money.

I worked as a literary agent at the firm that signed Tucker. We basically deal with books about poker and gambling as well as male based literature. While I was not part of "Team Tucker" I was very good friends with the agent who represented him and got him his first book deal (when nobody else would touch him).

Tucker was pretty much a douche, but once the book started making money he became something else. He would have tantrums in the office of his agent that would permeate the rest of the floor. He would scream and shout how he was "being robbed" when we ran a legitimate operation. Facts of the matter are this, his agent GOT HIM THE DEAL. Tucker (somebody with a legal background, enough so to understand contract law) SIGNED THE DEAL.

As with any agency, all money that one of our clients earn goes through the agency before the writer is paid. This way the writer is guaranteed his money as they are backed by the agency and their legal/accounting leverage. This is STANDARD. This is the way how things are done. We take our percentage and cut the check.

Anyway, this did not work for Tucker Max. He accused the agency of stealing from him. The reason was because the publisher had taken a bit longer then we were told to send us the check. Tucker's agent assured him that it could be nothing further from the truth and he had nothing to worry about. These things happen more often than not, it's the nature of the business.

Of course this was not good enough for Tucker. He threw a huge tantrum in our offices and threatened pretty much every agent on the floor, saying "If I don't have my money by XXX date, I'm coming back here and beating you all with a bat". That's not exactly what he said, but it was about as close as you can get. This was a "professional" writer whom had just gotten his first book deal, and he was now accusing the people who got the deal of theft. The firm is a legit business enterprise, but this was not good enough. Tucker said he could do things better and cut the middle man (the agent) out of the equation.

Problem was, Tucker couldn't really get out of the contract and my firm has (and still is) receiving money from IHTSBIH. To clarify, he's not making that much per book. That's pretty standard of ANY FIRST TIME UNKNOWN AUTHOR. They make their money on the 2nd book and so on. I won't say how much he's making, but it's less than 1/2 of the .80 cents per copy that is being claimed in these forums.

Also, he never got anything remotely approaching 300,000 for his 2nd book. You might as well have told everybody that you could throw a football over them there mountains. His book, while MODESTLY successful, had nowhere near the amount of sales to warrant even close to 100K let alone 300K.

Hey TUcker, if you're reading this, it's Greg from your old agency. Fuck you bitch, I'm glad you failed."


HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Anonymous said...

i am a lady in toronto.

how much longer should i keep my pussy ready?

when is tucker's iphone application coming out?

if he's really not six feet tall, why should i keep my pussy ready?

Anonymous said...

Now it comes out...one of Tucker's "guys" put that photo of him standing on a pillow in the Flickr photo-bucket. Hahahahaha...Tucker didn't even know it existed, let alone that it was posted. A big "fuck you" back to Tucker for folding Radius without warning the guys who worked for peanuts. Aahahahahahaha....Tucker is humiliated...just like he tried to do to others!

Anonymous said...

"I won't say how much he's making, but it's less than 1/2 of the .80 cents per copy that is being claimed in these forums."

.35$/copy * 500K copies sold (roughly) = 175k in total income for Tucktucks over, what, 3 or 4 years now?

That's 40-50K a year, minus taxes. One could live on that. That's actually pretty darn good for an author - writers don't have a reputation as starving artists for nothing. Heck, I'd count myself darn lucky to be getting that sort of free money for doing basically nothing.

"if he's not really six feet tall, why should I keep my pussy ready?"

Because it's inches, not feet, and long, not tall.

Oh, wait, that doesn't answer your question, does it.

Anonymous said...

http://www.quotabletuckermax.com/images/mugshot_height_assistance.jpg

The picture lives! What's this douche going to do if, God forbid, he has kids? He is forever known as the biggest tool and liar on the internet. And, this will stay with him forever! He pawned himself, for fuck sake. What a complete jackass.

Anonymous said...

TiB is still killing the traffic rankings. We're going to have to make sure we've got solid hosting and a back-up plan for all the extra visitors we're going to get over the years.

Viewership has been increasing steadily since we premiered and we're on the cusp of exceeding Tucker's old messageboard in members.

What say you now FAG safari? Fucking homos.

Anonymous said...

Yeah, no you don't. You don't have 30, 40,000 members you douchebag.

And secondly...would it matter? RMMB sucked too.

Anonymous said...

Christ, a slap fight between iamRob and theGrind...two fucking morons. Hey Fags, no one gives a fuck. Think about it...you're both Tucker wanna-be's. Besides being Tucker, is there any fate worse than being a fan boi like you two? Fuck off and die...this afternoon.

Anonymous said...

We don't have 40,000 members yet because we've only been open for LESS THAN A MONTH.

We're on track to eclipse the old boards membership in less than 4 months. Our traffic has been steadily increasing non stop.

But Fag Safari has the same 12 members. Must suck having the shittiest messageboard on earth.

If somebody posts on Fag Safari, does it make a sound? LOL!

Anonymous said...

How is IamRob anything like Tucker? Aside from having a message board with some people on Tucker's old board, how are they anything alike. If you knew anything about IamRob you'd know he definitely wasn't a fanboi. He was an ex mod on Tucker's board that got banned.

Anonymous said...

"We're on track to eclipse the old boards membership in less than 4 months"

Yeah, because trends are completely linear and nothing ever changes...

God, what fail school did you go to.

Anonymous said...

IamRob is the biggest Tucker fanboi on earth. He made a messageboard and wouldn't let anybody mention Tucker, yet STILL passive-aggressively makes veiled digs at him rather than man up and say it out loud.

He also copied the exact structure to the messageboard but changed the names a bit to seem different. "Permanent Threads" oh you mean "On-going Threads"

Stupid fucking shithead. Come over to TiB and at least be entertained with people who are comfortable with who they are.

Anonymous said...

Yeah okay,

You know how all the old school guys on TMMB were gone by the end of 07? It's because the new people who came aboard during 07 ended up sucking and those who were left sucked even more.

Those are the people who were left on the TMMB when it closed shop and those are the exact same people who run and operate TiB.

Anonymous said...

^^^ Yeah right you fucking homo faggot. Next you're going to tell me that Blue Dog and She Girl aren't the two funniest posters in the history of TMMB/RMMB/FagSafari/TiB?

Anonymous said...

http://www.alexa.com/siteinfo/www.freaksafari.com

There, now can we stop talking about these two pathetic boards and the two losers from them that are posting here? What fucking tools.

Anonymous said...

From the TiB itself:

"Total members 2324"

Yeah, real amazing growth you've got there, especially since about 95% of people came from the TMMB. Look, I really don't care about this inter-messageboard bitch fight, but at least acknowledge that "winning" this particular argument is like being the smartest kid with Down's.

Ken said...

"Come over to TiB and at least be entertained with people who are comfortable with who they are."

Yes. Let's all go to the Tucker Max board, where we can talk about "female insecurity buttons" and live vicariously through a series of mostly fabricated stories written by one of the most insecure attention whores on the planet. Because we're all so comfortable with ourselves!

Anonymous said...

Tucker is fat, Nils is a midget.

Anonymous said...

tucker has been alerted to this site. he is planning a response. look for something on wednesday.

Anonymous said...

Tucker has known about this site for years.

How's impending bankruptcy, Tucker? Going to ask daddy for a handout?

Anonymous said...

the idiot bored (sic) might have 2200 members, but about 50 are active. its a ghost town, boys. a failure. you make a spin off (idiots) from a failure (tucker), and you get a failure. it's simple math. i did the math with tucker's iphone app. i was getting nervous while calculating though, cause his imposing 6'0 frame was towering over me, and we were in a chinese food buffet that was about to be ransacked by nils

Anonymous said...

tucker has been alerted to this site. he is planning a response. look for something on wednesday.
Do NOT email me about this, people!

Anonymous said...

Fuck TiB and FS. Who really gives a shit either way? Do your thing and shut the fuck up about it.

Anonymous said...

A long time ago, tucker self published a couple books ("belligerence and debauchery" and a collection of horrible pickup lines... the kind that are floating around the net). Neither did particularly well because, well, they're self published.

Then about 4 years ago, he decides to do another book, this one professionally published and professionally edited. After every publisher turned him down (I don't know if it's because he was an asshole or if he wanted too much money), he planned on self publishing it again.

In came Jeremie Rubie Strauss (or however the fuck it's spelled). He convinced tucker that self publishing would be a dead end and convinced him to take less than he wanted to get it professionally published. Result: paperback nonfiction (lol) bestseller

Tucker must be the only one who can't see how that might relate to his indy (sic) movie.

Anonymous said...

A long time ago, tucker self published a couple books ("belligerence and debauchery" and a collection of horrible pickup lines... the kind that are floating around the net). Neither did particularly well because, well, they're self published.

Then about 4 years ago, he decides to do another book, this one professionally published and professionally edited. After every publisher turned him down (I don't know if it's because he was an asshole or if he wanted too much money), he planned on self publishing it again.

In came Jeremie Rubie Strauss (or however the fuck it's spelled). He convinced tucker that self publishing would be a dead end and convinced him to take less than he wanted to get it professionally published. Result: paperback nonfiction (lol) bestseller

Tucker must be the only one who can't see how that might relate to his indy (sic) movie.

Anonymous said...

Ben Corman's writer board is unintentionally funnier than TiB and FS combined. Ben is a nice guy but his e-Book was an e-Book for a reason. It just wasn't very good. In fact, it was pretty bad. I guess an e-Book makes one a "professional" writer, however, I disagree. A pro actually makes money for his work.

Why these people are giving anybody advice on writing is beyond me. First off, they stuck around the RMMB and were there because they were fans of Tucker Max. This means they don't have really good taste. 2nd, it's fucking pretentious. It's a club of dudes who aren't accomplished and shouldn't be giving advice, but they are giving advice to people who are even less accomplished then they are. It's like a Special People Club for retards who learned how to use a pen and piece of paper. Yes it's nice to see the retard overcoming their handicap, but what they are writing is still fucking retarded.

Anonymous said...

They hired Griffin as an editor, and the guy can barely string a sentence together. Tells you everything you need to know.

Also, Ryan Holiday bought faildogs. HAHAHAHA

Anonymous said...

faildogs is such an appropriate name for a rudius empire acquisition.

Anonymous said...

The clincher to any of the TiB cuntfaces bragging about member totals is this: a large percentage of those "members" are trolls from this board.

Anonymous said...

Why would they be PROUD that they got a bunch of leftover Tucker fanboys? It's not like they acquired their members through some brilliant marketing scheme. A bunch of idiots needed another place to feel good about themselves after the RMMB offed itself, and TIB just filled that void.

Anonymous said...

"It's like a Special People Club for retards who learned how to use a pen and piece of paper. Yes it's nice to see the retard overcoming their handicap, but what they are writing is still fucking retarded."

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!

Anonymous said...

LOL RETARDS LOL! I love Freak Safari humor! I love being a fucking loser.

No way I want to spend time on an educated forum like TiB, and actually learn something with excellent humor thrown in.

Anonymous said...

NO ONE GIVES A FUCK ABOUT EITHER OF YOUR MESSAGE BOARDS, YOU PATHETIC DIPSHITS.

Anonymous said...

I've been lurking and waiting for the past few months. I still have not seen any information regarding Tucker's past instructions.

Can anyone help me and any of the other ladies who might be in the same situation? My pussy has been ready for a few months but work is calling asking all sorts of questions. Please. Anyone with any info!

Anonymous said...

^^^ I'm sorry you didn't get the memo. As it turns out, Tucker doesn't need you- he already IS a pussy, and so has no use for yours. Please resume your normal activities.

Anonymous said...

So when will Tucker start to see any profits from the DVDs? The movie cost 12 mil to make/market, right? It's only grossed 1.5 mil so far, so that means he won't see anything until the DVDs do more than 10 mil, right?

Good luck with that, Tug. We're pulling for you.

Anonymous said...

"No way I want to spend time on an educated forum like TiB, and actually learn something with excellent humor thrown in."

Ok, THAT is a troll.

And a good one, too. Slow children DO learn.

Anonymous said...

If you believe that either Freak Safari or TiB is a place for erudite discusssion and learning, then son, you've got far bigger problems in life than anyone is capable of addressing.

Anonymous said...

Tut tut, Jeeves. Set out my evening-wear with the white waistcoast, will you? Tiddly pum. I do believe I'll be taking a rum toddy or three while discussing the finer points of Aristotelian implications of Hegelian philosophy within the context of the Crimean war tonight with those fine fellows down at Ye Olde Idiote Boarde. I suspect my friendly rival, the Honorable Billington J. Wentworth III, Esq., may have some new arguments regarding HA HA SHITTING UNCONTROLLABLY or perhaps LAST TIME YOU VOMITED ON A HOT CHICK and I'll need all my faculties in mustering reasoned counterarguments, I say.

Anonymous said...

Oh man .. that was the best fucking post this comment section has seen.

The hilarious part about TiB is that they genuinely think they're superbly intelligent just because they punctuate and don't use smileys.

Anonymous said...

Just ate lunch at Max's Grille in Boca. Ran into Tucker in the men's room. For some reason he had a mop and a bucket with him.

Anonymous said...

So this is tbag's dad:

http://www.maxsgrille.com/dennis.htm

does that mean that this is his mother?

http://www.maxsgrille.com/patti.htm

...no mention of the award winning nyt bestseller son in those bios.

Anonymous said...

No, this is Tucker's mother:

http://www.lexre.com/our-team/agents/54-agents/9-lanny-evans

Anonymous said...

^^^That HAS to be Tucker's mom, she has the exact same chin as little Tugger. Amazing.

Anonymous said...

That is absolutely his mom. Man, a normal mother would be ashamed at how he turned out, but he's in her image. How many times was she married again?

Anonymous said...

So, this Patrick Broadhead fellow, he's like a surrogate son, then? Seeing as how he's "executive chef" and all and looks a generation younger than the Max pair.

Hey Tucks, how's it feel to be replaced by a short order cook?

Anonymous said...

Tucker, quite the son about his parents....

"My parents at this point obviously know what I do. Not to be a dick, but I don't give a shit. It's not their life, it's mine. It's what I want to do. My mom, no question, is not happy with it. The narcissist act is not an act. I actually am a narcissist, very much so. My world revolves around me. She's my mom, I care, but not really.

i don't really have that close of a relationship with my family. How do you make a narcissist? You have two parents who are fairly neglectful. God bless them, they're good people, and they care, but they're just not good at being parents. So it just doesn't occur to me that I should worry about what they think."

Anonymous said...

If not for Tucker's "neglectful" parents he would've ended up at Lexington Community College, not the U of C. He should thank them for giving him the one somewhat-impressive feather in his otherwise empty cap.

Anonymous said...

Going to a community college and having a bit of a tougher life earlier might've taught him some humility.

Anonymous said...

Thank you. Your reservation has been confirmed.

* Max's Grille - Boca Raton
404 Plaza Real #156
* Wednesday, November 11, 2009
* 7:00 PM
* Party of 2
* Max's Grille - Boca Raton
* 404 Plaza Real #156
Boca Raton, FL 33432


hey, you can make online reservations on max's grille's site. i made my reservation under 'erin tyler.' god, i hope she doesnt stand me up.

Anonymous said...

WOW. Tugger's mom is a dog. No wonder Dennis dumped her for the flight attendant. Patti's not that bad.

Anonymous said...


hey, you can make online reservations on max's grille's site. i made my reservation under 'erin tyler.' god, i hope she doesnt stand me up.


Just make sure she doesn't have any sharp knives her side of the table. We wouldnt want her to hurt herself.

Anonymous said...

http://thevarsity.ca/articles/22484

Maxed out

Share

This article was published on Nov 9, 2009 in the Arts section

I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell creator Tucker Max explains why he wouldn’t trust a studio
Will Sloan

When interviewing Tucker Max, be careful about dropping the S-bomb. To a writer assigned to deliver a story on Max, the “sexist” issue may seem a natural point of discussion. To a man who has been dealing with the adjective every day since the 2006 publication of his book I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell, it is a topic of considerable weariness.

“Define ‘sexism,’” he shoots back.

I scramble for a dictionary. “See?” he says. “You’re throwing around a word you don’t know the meaning of!”

I have found a definition: “Sexism: discriminatory or abusive behaviour towards members of the opposite sex.”

“Okay,” he pauses for a second. “So, discriminatory behaviour, right? That means treating women differently simply because they are women. It’s not like I look at someone and say, ‘Okay, because you’re a woman, I’m going to…’ whatever, ‘xyz’ that I wouldn’t do with a man. No. I mean, like, the only people who focus on that shit in my writing are really kind of…whatever…” His voice trails off.

Anonymous said...

The theater gross was something under 1.5 million. However, freestyle and the theaters keep a chunk of that, maybe 40%? So the movie is more like 11M in the hole.

Anonymous said...

The film is belatedly opening in Toronto theatres following an American theatrical run in September, where the film was met with modest box office revenues and some of the harshest reviews of the years (“The result just might be the most hypocritical feature in the history of film as well as the history of hypocrisy,” wrote Michael Phillips of the Chicago Tribune). Gamely taking interviews for the Canadian release, it is clear that Max is still smarting from the reception.

I mention that Tucker’s big redemptive speech didn’t feel very redemptive. His voice lightens considerably. “So many critics totally fucking missed this,” he says. “I mean, they tried to criticize the movie because they’re like, ‘Oh, Tucker’s supposed to be irredeemable but then he fuckin’ totally changes at the end.’ And I’m like, ‘No, you idiots, did you not watch the fuckin’ movie?’ Because, like, he doesn’t! That’s the whole point.

Anonymous said...

“This presented a lot of problems with the critics: so much of American film is so trite and so pat, and everything’s wrapped up in a little bow, and the moral message is very clear, right? But life doesn’t work like that, and we didn’t make a movie like that, because that’s bullshit. We made a movie where every character has faults—some are more good than bad, but the movie doesn’t take a moral position on anyone’s actions. It just shows them as they are. Sorta like The Wire, my favourite TV show of all time.”

He continues: “A lot of people took this like, ‘Oh, they’re saying this [behaviour] is funny, this is good’—no! It’s not! Like, the movie doesn’t take a position on narcissism necessarily, and if it did, it would be that it’s bad. But a lot of people, because they’re so used to bland pabulum, they don’t get it. If you have a good, complicated movie, sometimes it’s tough to get across in the first showing. Sometimes people have to watch it a few times, like Fight Club, Office Space, whatever, and I think this movie kinda fell into that trap.”

I was bothered by the scene where Tucker flirts with a group of female friends in a bar, holding an indignant one up to ridicule. I ask if it was fair to feel that the woman had every right to be angry. “Yeah, dude. No one’s right or wrong. I mean, in their exchange, sometimes she’s wrong, and sometimes he’s wrong, y’know? Like, there are definitely times when she’s kinda being a fucking cunt, and then there are other times when he crosses the line. The barometer of where the audience should be is where her friends are...I mean, dude, it’s supposed to be like real life, and it’s not always clear what’s right or wrong.”

Anonymous said...

Instead of parlaying his book’s popularity into a big studio movie deal, Max went the route of independent financing and distribution. “I turned down $2 million for this script. There’s absolutely no way that had I filmed the script through a major studio they would have done anything but fuck this movie up. They would have cut all the balls off the comedy, they would have put Seth Rogen and Dane Cook in it, they would have changed Tucker to make him fall in love, and all this stupid shit that would have driven me up a fucking wall.”

Several times during the interview Max refers to himself and his character as a narcissist, and I tell him that I’m surprised by his frankness. “I really am a narcissist, y’know? I’m not quite as bad as I was in the movie. The movie portrays me, like, 10 years ago, when I really, truly was, like, straight-up narcissist. Now I’ve kinda thought my way out of a lot of those issues, and I now maybe only have narcissistic traits, I’m not a full-on narcissist anymore.”

Tucker Max will be appearing in-person at CINSSU’s advance screening of I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell on Tuesday, Nov. 10 at 7 p.m. The film opens on Nov. 13.

Anonymous said...

My thoughts exactly, Tugger. Your DVD will be on the shelves of every American along with Fight Club, Office Space, and The Wire.

Anonymous said...

his DVD will be right there alongside The Blur of Insanity, which was supposed to be a big hit as I was leaving college.

Google it. It's pretty much the same thing as tbags movie but with drugs instead of beer.

better yet, here: http://www.blurofinsanity.com/

Anonymous said...

Man, I was planning on watching "The Wire," but now I really don't want to.

tucker said...

Talking about my mom, motherfuckers? Now you've crossed the line. I'm going to crossbow the next motherfucker who badmouths Lanny.

Anonymous said...

now i understand why everyone who saw IHTSBiH thought it was terrible. according to tucker, you have to keep watching it over and over to really get it. after the 5th or 6th viewing, your snickers become guffaws.

thanks for helping explain that one. i thought it was just a horrible, terrible movie. turns out i have to watch it 5 more times just to be fair to you.

hey tucker, is it extra hard to shoot crossbows at rudius crossbow range when you are 6'0? i mean, does the extra height work against your calculated trajectories? also, doesn't it suck when you have to duck your head to get into your private jet? being 6'0 must be a pain in the ass. it might be better to be 5'8. how tall is nick sadler, btw? i looked at your iphone app and didnt see the stats.

i predict ihtsbih takes in $4,510 in canada

Anonymous said...

now i understand why everyone who saw IHTSBiH thought it was terrible. according to tucker, you have to keep watching it over and over to really get it. after the 5th or 6th viewing, your snickers become guffaws.

thanks for helping explain that one. i thought it was just a horrible, terrible movie. turns out i have to watch it 5 more times just to be fair to you.

hey tucker, is it extra hard to shoot crossbows at rudius crossbow range when you are 6'0? i mean, does the extra height work against your calculated trajectories? also, doesn't it suck when you have to duck your head to get into your private jet? being 6'0 must be a pain in the ass. it might be better to be 5'8. how tall is nick sadler, btw? i looked at your iphone app and didnt see the stats.

i predict ihtsbih takes in $4,510 in canada

Anonymous said...

^^^I post the same thing twice because I'm the biggest fucking faggot fucking loser in the world.

Anonymous said...

^^^I post the same thing twice because I'm the biggest fucking faggot fucking loser in the world.

Anonymous said...

^^^I post the same thing thrice because I'm the biggest fucking faggot fucking loser in the world.

Anonymous said...

Tucker really needs to drop the whole "I'm a narcissist" schtick. It would be one thing if he was acknowledging this as a flaw in an effort to be a better person. Instead, Tucker just uses it as a crutch to explain away and justify any of his bad behavior. Despite his claims that he is just being "honest" and saying that "this is who I am, flaws and all", he just uses it as a convenient excuse to justify otherwise anti-social behavior. In other words, he's hypocritical.

Tucker said...

Yeah, I'm a narcissist, and narcissists are hypocritical. This is who I am, flaws and all! I'm so honest and cool!

Anonymous said...

Tucker is the most flawed one of his friends.

Anonymous said...

It's because he's using it as a crutch. It's because he thinks being a narcissist is cool, so he constantly calls himself a narcissist.

Anonymous said...

Unfortunatley, publicity for the canadian release was also done poorly by the morons and monkeys in canada. In fact, a canadian girl just came up to Tucker:

Girl [wearing a fur lumberjack hat]: Eh . . . you are Tucker Max. . eh! This is SO exciting! I am your biggest fan, your book is so awesome!
Tucker [wearing a toque]: Thank you, glad you liked it.
Girl: I mean, I have read it like 100 times and recommended it to all my hoser friends, eh. . and now it’s like our bible!. . eh I can’t believe you are here! . . eh Can I get a picture?. . eh
Tucker: [getting awkward] Of course.
Friend [wearing a vintage Nordiques jersey]: So, what’d you think about the movie?
Girl: Movie? eh. . What movie? . . eh There’s a movie of the book?
Tucker: Are you kidding?
Girl: When is it coming out? I am SO excited for it! I bet it’ll be great! Who is playing you?

Tucker said...

Well of course a narcissist would think that narcissism is cool. And I think that, because I'm a narcissist! Don't hate me 'cuz I'm pretty!

Anonymous said...

"This presented a lot of problems with the critics:"

Yeah, the critics had a tough time with your film because they didn't "get it"

How many times are we going to hear this line? Maybe they just didn't like it.

Anonymous said...

"Sometimes people have to watch it a few times, like Fight Club, Office Space, whatever, and I think this movie kinda fell into that trap."

No. Fight Club in particular everyone knew was great from the start. On Office Space, had that movie opened behind good marketing, it would have done fine. That's apparent from the DVD lifetime sales.

Anonymous said...

Is there a bigger douchebag on the planet??? Let's find out.

“I turned down $2 million for this script."

Yes. I'm sure a studio offered this much for a screenwriters first script. It happens all the time. That's why Hollywood is full of writers who are all paid 2 million for every script.

"There’s absolutely no way that had I filmed the script through a major studio they would have done anything but fuck this movie up."

As opposed to you not just fucking it up but completely dive bombing it into the ground at terminal velocity. Tucker Max Style Baby!

"They would have cut all the balls off the comedy, they would have put Seth Rogen and Dane Cook in it"

Ahahahahahah. Yes, as douche as those guys are (yes, Seth Rogen has become a douchebag, he was alright, but now he is a d bag) neither would appear in this.

“I really am a narcissist, y’know? I’m not quite as bad as I was in the movie. The movie portrays me, like, 10 years ago, when I really, truly was, like, straight-up narcissist."

Right...Tucker Max is somehow less douche than he was in 1999. I see no evidence of that, you are just as douche now as you were then.

"Now I’ve kinda thought my way out of a lot of those issues, and I now maybe only have narcissistic traits, I’m not a full-on narcissist anymore.”

You will never get over your issues you cuntbag. You are 34 and still not a functioning adult.

Anonymous said...

tucker was so worried about them getting seth rogan or dane cook to play him that they tucker purposely got mike czuchry instead. it was a power move, for sure. 100% reality, tucker. czhcurhy worked out so well! he nailed it!

also since it's veterans day, we should take some time out to honor people like nick sadler. thanks, nick. the world is a better place because of you.

also, crossbows and private jets

Anonymous said...

YESSSSSSSSSSS! BEER IN HELL DVD AVAILABLE FOR PRE0RDER. I BOUGHT MINE. ONLY $20 TOO!

Anonymous said...

Remember kids.

Bit Torrent is your friend. Pirate the shit out of that mofo.

Anonymous said...

The 'Beer in Hell' DVD is holding steady at 4,011th place on Amazon's DVD sales list.

Those 5 million DVDs are practically selling themselves.

The Deconstruction Guy said...

Fight Club was based upon a MUCH POPULAR BOOK THAT WASN'T IN THE PAPERBACK NON-FICTION LIST.

Office Space was made by the creator of ONE OF THE MOST POPULAR ANIMATED SHOWS OF ALL TIME.

Tucker's book MIGHT have sold 500,000 copies.

Do the math Duke grad.

Anonymous said...

If you must see the "Beer in Hell" movie. Do as Tucker suggested and bit torrent it. Do NOT waste your money on a pre order. Just wait for someone to post it on Pirate Bay and volia... free shitty movie.

Anonymous said...

If you play the IHTSBIH DVD backwards and at the wrong speed, it says over and over again. . "Nils is Fat, do not email me about this people."

Pretty eerie. Unfortunately that reference will sail right over the head of the post vinyl generation.

Anonymous said...

Dawes is the only one of the merry men to call it like it is:

"Others argue that the economy was at play for poor numbers. Still others thought the film’s fate was sealed by a crappy marketing team. Couple of folks blamed it on bad reviews. Many thought the reason for mediocre attendence was because the trailer blew freshly rotting leper balls (mea culpa).

The most obvious reason was also the hardest to admit. And that is, the film, while good, wasn’t good enough to generate the requisite word of mouth to make it a hit. The movie is funny and well-written with great performances, but, when all is said and done, the product was seen by a lot of people and still didn’t take off. It looks like some people tried the shampoo, worked it into a frothy lather, and told their friends: ‘Eh.’

For two months, no one, including myself, could seem to acknowledge the fact that the movie might not garner momentous word of mouth — the same word of mouth that catapulted ‘District 9,’ ‘500 Days of Summer,’ ‘The Hangover,’ and currently, the micro-budgeted ‘Paranormal Activity’ into box-office smashes. The idea that the film itself might not be enough was the big pink elephant in the tour bus… wearing a tutu, riding a unicycle, and juggling dildos.

Apparently, the film ITSELF wasn’t enough, because after 2 weeks and close to 100 thousand people seeing it, it seemed like the general populace was gently telling us: “We like you a lot, little independent movie… but we’re just not THAT into you….”"

Anonymous said...

Dawes is the only one of the merry men to call it like it is:

"Others argue that the economy was at play for poor numbers. Still others thought the film’s fate was sealed by a crappy marketing team. Couple of folks blamed it on bad reviews. Many thought the reason for mediocre attendence was because the trailer blew freshly rotting leper balls (mea culpa).

The most obvious reason was also the hardest to admit. And that is, the film, while good, wasn’t good enough to generate the requisite word of mouth to make it a hit. The movie is funny and well-written with great performances, but, when all is said and done, the product was seen by a lot of people and still didn’t take off. It looks like some people tried the shampoo, worked it into a frothy lather, and told their friends: ‘Eh.’

For two months, no one, including myself, could seem to acknowledge the fact that the movie might not garner momentous word of mouth — the same word of mouth that catapulted ‘District 9,’ ‘500 Days of Summer,’ ‘The Hangover,’ and currently, the micro-budgeted ‘Paranormal Activity’ into box-office smashes. The idea that the film itself might not be enough was the big pink elephant in the tour bus… wearing a tutu, riding a unicycle, and juggling dildos.

Apparently, the film ITSELF wasn’t enough, because after 2 weeks and close to 100 thousand people seeing it, it seemed like the general populace was gently telling us: “We like you a lot, little independent movie… but we’re just not THAT into you….”"

Anonymous said...

Dawes is the only one of the merry men to call it like it is:

"Others argue that the economy was at play for poor numbers. Still others thought the film’s fate was sealed by a crappy marketing team. Couple of folks blamed it on bad reviews. Many thought the reason for mediocre attendence was because the trailer blew freshly rotting leper balls (mea culpa).

The most obvious reason was also the hardest to admit. And that is, the film, while good, wasn’t good enough to generate the requisite word of mouth to make it a hit. The movie is funny and well-written with great performances, but, when all is said and done, the product was seen by a lot of people and still didn’t take off. It looks like some people tried the shampoo, worked it into a frothy lather, and told their friends: ‘Eh.’

For two months, no one, including myself, could seem to acknowledge the fact that the movie might not garner momentous word of mouth — the same word of mouth that catapulted ‘District 9,’ ‘500 Days of Summer,’ ‘The Hangover,’ and currently, the micro-budgeted ‘Paranormal Activity’ into box-office smashes. The idea that the film itself might not be enough was the big pink elephant in the tour bus… wearing a tutu, riding a unicycle, and juggling dildos.

Apparently, the film ITSELF wasn’t enough, because after 2 weeks and close to 100 thousand people seeing it, it seemed like the general populace was gently telling us: “We like you a lot, little independent movie… but we’re just not THAT into you….”"

Anonymous said...

Dawes isn't a merry man. That's the difference. He's his own man. The only one that has a chance of being as unbiased on this whole thing is Griffin. He has the talent, he just needs to take his dick off Tucker's cock for 30 seconds to realize the truth.

Also, Nils is fat.

Anonymous said...

What Dawes doesn't talk about is that perhaps the movie didn't catch on because it was never very good.

Word of mouth works both ways.

Anonymous said...

Pretty soon Tucker will be saying, "Our movie has TWO BILLION seeders!!! Trust me on this people, my internal numbers are right. We're revolutionizing the pirating industory. Do NOT email me about this."

Anonymous said...

"What Dawes doesn't talk about is that perhaps the movie didn't catch on because it was never very good.

Word of mouth works both ways."

Um, might want to read again, b/c that's exactly what he said. I take it your LSAT score wouldn't be good enough to get you a full ride to Duke Law.

Anonymous said...

Excuse me, but did you just put Griffin and talent in the same sentence? If I could ban you TMMB style, I would.

Anonymous said...

dawes is pondering the film's failure while on his way to open mic night at chuckle's in central idaho. if dawes holds on a few weeks longer, he can get social security and can head off into the sunset, wearing affliction and suffering from shingles. dawes is old.

Anonymous said...

Recent Facebook post since Tugger will delete it:

Todd Thiel

you greatly disappointed me with the website closing, and the movie losing a great deal of money.

i actually checked it on a weekly basis to see what it was grossing.

i can thank you for the tremendous amount of personal growth i gained from the permanent thread, and the advice board, but you dropped the ball closing that site. even if it cost you an arm and a leg. you had something golden, and you threw it away. despite the amount of attention you paid to it, that site had been operating just fine without you for a long time. it had passed you, and i went there to read what sawpig, savage, and giegs wrote. it wasn't just about you...

watching that movie was the first time i have ever been the only person in the theater. and i went opening day, in Chico CA. i sold the movie to everyone i know, said how epic it was going to be, only to have it come up lacking in content and character development. i read every single post from your production blog, and came out expecting a great movie, only to walk out of the theater thinking... good god, what have i been talking about for the past 9 months.

i believe in you, your skill, and your abilities, and you let a large portion of your fan base down.

goddammit tucker. I'm still going to read all of your stuff, and i hope you have a change of heart with your website, because that fan site is a joke, an utter joke.

come back with something. for fuck sakes man. i really, honestly believe in you.

BongSol0
since nov, 07

Anonymous said...

Wow, Saracen from Friday Night Lights was almost cast as Tucker. Dude should thank his lucky stars he didn't sail on the sinking ship.

http://leisureblogs.chicagotribune.com/about-last-night/2009/11/at-the-bulls-game-with-zach-gilford-of-friday-night-lights.html

Anonymous said...

Dude, it's way more then just one guy making fun of Tucker. Here is a sampling of others making fun of him to his face:

Jason GranetSweet, can't wait to download it for free

Rahul GoswamiBOOK WAS AWESOME...MOVIE SUCKED...READ THE BOOK!

Kevin DeFoorWhat happened to "Assholes Finish First"? Save the extended scenes of movie Tucker fucking the midget and deliver the book that was promised three-ish years ago.

ERic KramerFUCK YOU! I WANT ASSHOLES FINISH FIRST which i preoredred BEFORE THE MOVIE EXISTED
finish writing it, dick.

Ryan TitusI'd rather masturbate w/ sandpaper than watch that movie again.

Jeff CrewIt was in theaters? ...as opposed to an 8 roper, it was a minor release...

Mike MannThe book should be called "I made a movie that even Larry the Cable Guy would be embarrassed to be in".

Aaron ArrowstarTucker, why did your movie fail horribly? Why did Kesha tell me you tried to hook up with her?... She's 22, you're 40....Figure it out genius. I hope your new book doesn't fail like your movie!! ...that would suck?

Anonymous said...

It would have ruined FNL for me to see pictures of Saracen yukking it up with Tucker in a bar.

Anonymous said...

I guess in addition to having to monitor his wikipedia page 24-7 Tucker now has to prune his facebook page of negative comments as well. A few hours ago there were like a dozen comments in a row telling him that his movie was awful and now those comments are all gone.

Anonymous said...

^^^ That's because the movie is NOT terrible, and all those stupid posters just don't 'get it'. If they'd only read Tucker's massive, 574-page extensive scene-by-scene walkthrough of the movie, they'd understand that it's actually profound and complex art.

Anonymous said...

Griffin is profound and complex art.

Anonymous said...

"Dawes isn't a merry man. That's the difference. He's his own man."

He's a 40+ old man (he looks 50+) and wears message Ts and affliction style T-shirts.

Doesn't sound like his own man to me at all. Sounds like a D-bag. In which case, he was in good company.

Anonymous said...

"The most obvious reason was also the hardest to admit. And that is, the film, while good, wasn’t good enough to generate the requisite word of mouth to make it a hit. The movie is funny and well-written with great performances, but, when all is said and done, the product was seen by a lot of people and still didn’t take off. It looks like some people tried the shampoo, worked it into a frothy lather, and told their friends: ‘Eh.’

For two months, no one, including myself"

No. We're not going to give Dawes praise. Fuck that. He admits himself that he couldn't admit what was going on while it was going on.

He's calling it AFTER THE FACT. That doesn't make him any more aware than all the other Tucker praisers.

And he still thinks the movies is "funny" and "well-written" with "great performances" get the fuck out.

Anonymous said...

"The only one that has a chance of being as unbiased on this whole thing is Griffin. He has the talent, he just needs to take his dick off Tucker's cock for 30 seconds to realize the truth."

Is that you Griffin?

I mean, I know you think your 5,000 word blog posts about making beer runs are epic writing...but comeon man.

Yes, Griffin is very talented...*cough* *cough*

Anonymous said...

Life Before Tucker's Movie:

Well now that Rudius Films has changed the industry, and we are seeing a steady stream of independently produced comedies that are not all hi jinx and sight gags, it's worth looking back to a time before Tucker revolutionized Hollywood.

Yes, Children. In the summer of 2009, the world of comedy was like barren earth. People actually thought movies like The Hangover were entertaining. They willingly parted with their money to see dreck and crap for the latest movie where a dentist pulled his own tooth on a drunken dare. Old worn plot lines like the hooker/stripper with a heart of gold still could put people in their seats.

After Tucker's breakthrough movie IHTSBIH, everything changed. People saw how viral internet marketing, twitter, and word of mouth could propel a small self- distributed vanity project into a limited number of theaters in the Chicago area plus a scant number of movie houses spread randomly across the country. The so-called "Beer In Hell" effect was like a shot fired directly into the broad side of the Hollywood marketing machine.

As a result of this movie, Hollywood began scanning the message boards and comment sections of insignificant bloggers looking for the next Nils Parker. In some instances, hollywood agents scoured obscure all you can eat chinese buffets looking for the next great fat sad clown to co-write their next screenplay.

It's hard to believe that the great smash hit OC/DC with its innovative update to the previously updated Parent Trap and all their remakes which were themselves remakes and adaptations of Prince in the Pauper WOULD HAVE NEVER BEEN MADE were it not for the success of Rudius Productions. Bill Dawes would have continued to work the Santa Barbara Yuck House in obscurity and would have never been utilized to play the duel roles of the CA surfer dude and uptight DC lobbyist.

It's hard to look back at a time before you could jump on a Rudius Airship and catch a $99 float from LaGuardia to LAX, all the time practicing your crossbow aim. Even harder to contemplate was life before BIH watering holes were as ubiquitous as Starbucks on hip urban areas.

Indeed, children. . . even if you never were alive when the Berlin Wall fell, you witnessed history if you can recall life before BIH.

Anonymous said...

"Prince in the Pauper "

Prince AND the Pauper you typograffic doucebag

Anonymous said...

though i suppose the prince IN the pauper might be the next Tucker Max script, as he heralds gay porn as the forefront of artistic tuckeresque expression

Anonymous said...

"
No. We're not going to give Dawes praise. Fuck that. He admits himself that he couldn't admit what was going on while it was going on.

He's calling it AFTER THE FACT. That doesn't make him any more aware than all the other Tucker praisers.

And he still thinks the movies is "funny" and "well-written" with "great performances" get the fuck out."

You're a stupid fuck. Just when are you supposed to evaluate box office performance? Six months before release?

Anonymous said...

Is Dawes the fucking old guy in all the tour videos?

The blond old fuck ripping on people?

Anonymous said...

"You're a stupid fuck. Just when are you supposed to evaluate box office performance? Six months before release?"

Well, that all depends. According to Tucker, you're supposed to predict box-office performance while the movie's still in production, guarantee huge success, make garish and outlandish predictions about how sublime your future media empire will be, ridicule every established professional for being stupid and blind, make plans to open crossbow ranges with all the money your movie is going to make, prattle on about private jets and the inevitable success of future endeavors, and forewarn women to get their pussies ready. I know that's not everyone's technique, but it sure has worked out well for him.

Let's not forget that Ryan Holiday wrote some piece talking about how good Tucker is at reflecting on things that haven't happened yet, and that Tucker linked to that piece as somehow 'proving' that all of his predictions were going to come true.

Anonymous said...

good ripping on Tucker going on a site he used to frequent in law school.

http://autoadmit.com/main.php?forum_id=2&hid=&qu=tucker+max

Anonymous said...

it hurts and stings

Definitely not Nils said...

I like cheese.

Anonymous said...

Look to the right, second picture down. That's how short Tucker is when he's not standing on a pillow. Sad, sad little man.

Anonymous said...

This has to be the funniest interview of T-bag I've ever read. Once again he throws Freestyle under the bus. When asked what people find attractive about him, he says he's "very intelligent." Wrong, Tucker. The correct answer is: "People seem to really enjoy laughing at me and making fun of me for being such a huge tool. That's attractive, isn't it?"

Best part is his last temper tantrum that ends the interview. I can just see little Tucker jump out of his chair all red faced and start ranting about how many books he sold and how his next book will also be a best seller. "Do you know who I fucking am?????? I'M TUCKER FUCKING MAX AND I DEMAND RESPECT!!!"

http://www.nowtoronto.com/movies/story.cfm?content=172314

Anonymous said...

If he repeats that he sold a million books often enough, maybe it'll become true. The power of positive thinking and all that.

Anonymous said...

He claims to have sold hundreds of thousands of books in Canada? No way is there any truth to that claim! Next, he'll tell us that he's sold 5 million books in the US.

Anonymous said...

I like the last question/answer from Tug in that Now magazine interview:

You have a law degree from Duke. Would you consider going back to practising law when this all dries up?

I’m a fucking bestselling author who’s sold a million books. I’ve got another book coming up that’s going to be number one on the bestseller list just like my current book, and you’re asking me if I need to get another fucking job? I fucking quit that job and that lifestyle because it sucks, and I went and did what I love. But apparently you think I need to go back and do that because what I’m doing isn’t legit or something.

I thought that Tugger previously stated that he was fired from his summer associate job at Fenwick, so he's lying if he said that he quit.

Yeah, Tugger's next book is going to be another bestseller just like his movie was going to break $200 million at the box office. Tug's run is over. What can he possibly put in the next book that will be interesting? Tugger has already published his best stories. He's got nothing else to say in the next book unless he delves into the complete failure of his movie and his life in general.

Anonymous said...

If Qui-Gon Jinn fought Ulic Qel-Droma, who would win?

Anonymous said...

"Prince in the Pauper "

Prince AND the Pauper you typograffic doucebag


No... the tucker max version is "Prince in the pooper." It's the based on the buttsex story. Unfortunately, they couldn't find a closet big enough for nils to fit in.

Just so we're clear, this was the first time he tried buttsex with a woman.

Anonymous said...

"My book was the second book based on a blog, after Julie & Julia, the second one to go to bestseller after Julie & Julia and the second one to go to a movie after Julie & Julia."

But the movie was the FIRST to bomb horribly!

"Our distributor spent no money on marketing. We tried to beat the odds by doing all kinds of tricks and fucking whatever to get the word out. But media is tough in America. You know how much money they spent advertising The Hangover? They spent $40 million. You know how much we spent releasing this entire movie? Like, three."

Yeah, primetime ads on ESPN and Comedy Central are running for $.05 these days...

Anonymous said...

"this was the first time he tried buttsex with a woman."

Ah, k. So the gay porn version would require underage actors?

Anonymous said...

Tucker is a liar, because THEY FUCKING PAID FREESTYLE TO RELEASE THE MOVIE, NOT DISTRIBUTE IT. HE FUCKING SAID IT HIMSELF.

Freestyle is not in the business of marketing the movies that people pay them to release. They do not market movies, nor do they claim they do.

2nd: Tucker stated clearly that he was in charge of marketing materials and how his "marketing plan is going to change Hollywood". Therefore Tucker's claim was that he was pretty much in charge of marketing the movie.

Tucker is claiming now that they were paying a company to release the movie, but then they were supposed to take the money they were getting paid for releasing the movie and then invest into the marketing of the movie.

Tucker Max is making Carrie Prejean look like Albert Einstein.

Now he's claiming that Freestyle was negligent in not doing a job that they never ever do.

Tucker is committing slander in the purest sense of the word. If I were Freestyle I'd already be building a case against him and begin procedure to sue the fuck out of him on any and all book royalties he might make in the future.

Anonymous said...

Face facts Tucker... The reason your movie failed is it wasn't very good.

You even said yourself... "Did it reach a certain amount in domestic gross? To me, this is HOW I judge whether or not my fans liked it--did they spend the money to go see it. If so, yes, they liked it. If not, no, it sucked."

You fans did not spend money to go see it. Why? It pretty much sucked.

You can always get a job as a greeter at Wal Mart.

Anonymous said...

http://www.nowtoronto.com/movies/story.cfm?content=172314....great comments. Tucker, my God man, you've fallen faster than any other loser on the web. You're the King of Fail, dog.

Anonymous said...

Speaking of a Tucker Max Fail:


[url]http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Tucker%20Max%20Fail[/url]

Feel free to vote it up.

Anonymous said...

Why were you using Freestyle, who never produces a hit, in the first place? Oh yeah, everyone else passed. Ha!

Anonymous said...

http://www.nowtoronto.com/movies/story.cfm?content=172313

1 star review. Oh Canada.

Anonymous said...

The Canadians OBVIOUSLY have not read the Tucker/Nils study guide that explains how deep and hilarious the movie actually is.

If they weren't such idiots and just understood how this film is going to change the future of film comedy forever. They just don't GET it.

Anonymous said...

"And they meet a stripper with a heart of gold along the way to their eventual denouement. Is art imitating life or life imitating art?

With a movie this shitty, who cares?"

hahahahahahah

Anonymous said...

http://www.nationalpost.com/arts/movies/story.html?id=2215927

The last graph is sublime.

Anonymous said...

The Canadian press is taking a huge collective shit all over Tuggers movie.

In other new, Nils is still fat.

Anonymous said...

Film Review: I Hope They Beer in Hell (1 star)


Tucker Max's tales of debauchery, binge drinking and sexual escapades have made him an icon to fratboys everywhere. Max first made a name for himself posting lurid "true" stories on his eponymous website, later collected in his best-selling book, I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell. With titles such as "The Blowjob Follies," "She Won't Take No for an Answer," and "Tucker F---s a Fat Girl; Hilarity Ensues," it positioned Max as one of the leading feminist thinkers of his generation. The book has now been made into a feature film, and while I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell is not the worst movie of all time, it's not for lack of trying.

Partly based on Max's story "The Austin Road Trip," the film stars Matt Czuchry as a fictional version of Tucker Max, a painfully unaware alcoholic with mommy issues, more tragic than funny. He arranges a bachelor party for his best friend, Dan (Geoff Stults), whose wedding is fast approaching. Along with their recently dumped buddy, Drew, a severely disturbed young man who has the makings of a serial killer, the trio head to a supposedly anything-goes strip club called Avarice, a no-rules Shangri-La of carnal pleasure, where they proceed to ogle strippers and get drunk.

But it's so much worse than that. The movie revels in its bitterness, especially towards women, while Max and his co-writer Nils Parker pick easy and tired targets: the obese, the blind, the deaf, midgets. It's not simply that these jokes are offensive, it's that they are unfunny. What is offensive is the film's vitriolic treatment of women, who are referred to as sluts, whores, bitches and worse.

This film may end some careers. Czuchtry's Tucker Max, for example, is an overconfident sleezeball, a goofy grin plastered across his face the duration of the movie. A shot glass has more depth. Drew, played by Jesse Bradford of Swimfan fame, is perhaps the most nuanced of all the characters, though his over-the-top hatred of women gets old fast. The cameos - former porn star Traci Lords, UFC fighter Forrest Griffin and rapper Paul Wall - give you an idea about the kind of audience this film is going for.

The mind reels that US$7-million - the film's reported budget - was spent on this mess of a movie, especially during the worst economic crisis since the Great Depression. Not surprisingly, the film has earned a paltry US$1.4-million since opening in the United States in late September, though it's troubling to think that at one time 266 theatres across North America were screening this abomination. The funniest thing about I Hope They Serve Been in Hell is that in the months leading up to the film's release Tucker Max crowed the film would earn between US$20- and US$200-million. Do not help him reach that goal.


It can't be THAT bad.

Anonymous said...

Tucker is lying about his parents!

He is close to them but writes that he is not so none of his shit will spill on them.

I think it's time to hurt that little troll in the marbles!

BOYCOTT MAX'S GRILLE!!!

Facebook Group coming soon!

Won't that be sweet!!!

Anonymous said...

IHTSBIN Release Date:
9/25/09

PARANORMAL ACTIVITY Release Date:
9/25/09

*******************

IHTSBIH Budget:
~5,000,000

PARANORMAL ACTIVITY Budget:
~15,000

*******************

IHTSBIH on 11/12/09:
$735

PARANORMAL ACTIVITY on 11/12/09:
$820,700

*******************

IHTSBIH TOTAL:
$1,427,545

PARANORMAL ACTIVITY TOTAL:
$99,195,147

*******************

See, Tug? A small movie can make it, but the movie has to be... you know... entertaining.

IHTSBIH is a waste of time. Rent The Hangover instead!

Anonymous said...

Sup haterz.

Anonymous said...

"You're a stupid fuck. Just when are you supposed to evaluate box office performance? Six months before release?"

Get the fuck out of here. He's evaluating it now as "funny" a "good movie" with "great performances" none of those things are true at all. And you want to e-suck Dawes for supposedly coming clean about how he felt towards the movie?

Fuck you. You fucking cunt douchebag.

Anonymous said...

"Is it easier to get laid now that you’re famous?

Of course, dude. There is no easier way to get laid than to be famous. It’s even easier than being rich or powerful."

Of course, most people who are both rich and powerful are famous and can therefor get laid and not have to do it in the back of an RV...or cardboard box that Tucker now lives in.

"You’ve taken a lot of flak from the public, from feminists in particular. Can you describe some of the worst attacks you’ve encountered?

The ones that call me a rapist, which is about as libellous as it gets. It’s just bullshit. They’re liars and kooks. Not one of these fucking cowards would meet me face to face because they’re just talking gibberish to get press for their cause."

How's your lawsuit going Tucker? As opposed to you who hires Rudius members to pose as protesters...but that's not to stir up controversy. Have you ever gone face to face with Anyone Tucker?

"So do these comments get under your skin?

Dude, I’m a fucking narcissist. Of course not."

I hope that's sarcasm. Because of course it gets to a narcissit.

"You started your infamous blog long before blogging really blew up, right?

I started my blog in 2002. That was pre-MySpace, pre-Facebook. That was back before newspapers realized they were going out of business. That was back when no one gave any credence to Internet writers. My book was the second book based on a blog, after Julie & Julia, the second one to go to bestseller after Julie & Julia and the second one to go to a movie after Julie & Julia."

What's Julie and Julia? I've never fucking heard of that book man. Unless you are talking about this Julie and Julia...

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1135503/

Which you're in no way associated with Tucker.

"What do you think people find appealing about you and your stories?

One of the most attractive things about me and the book and the movie is that I’m a guy who is very intelligent. I’ve done all the things you’re supposed to do, but then I also drink and party and go out and have fun. There’s this notion in Western culture that you can’t do both. You can’t be, like, a party person and smart. I think that’s bullshit."

Yes, you've proven how smart you are many times Tucker. Reference:

thequotabletuckermax.com

"Why do you think the film has done so poorly at the U.S. box office?

Our distributor spent no money on marketing. We tried to beat the odds by doing all kinds of tricks and fucking whatever to get the word out. But media is tough in America. You know how much money they spent advertising The Hangover? They spent $40 million. You know how much we spent releasing this entire movie? Like, three."

Well...The Hangover actually spent very little P&A initially. Much less than 40 million. They authorized more once they had the #1 movie for 2 weeks in a row.

That, and it was about 1 million times better than your film. But hey, whose paying attention to that.

Ok Tucker. Just say..."It's not a great movie."

Anonymous said...

"Do you expect the film to do better in Canada?

I have tons of fans in Canada. I’ve sold hundreds of thousands of books there."

HAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAHAH....So let me get this straight. You've sold hundreds, plural. Meaning more than 200k.

So...in the US, with 10 times the population...you've sold (1 million) by your outrageous claim.

So in Canada, where college towns are not as big in the US, the whole college drinking scene is not a very big deal, you've sold proportionally 2X what you have in the US??? Ok.

"Canadian fans email and pester me all day long to find out when the movie is going to be released."

Yeah they do! When I'm not busy shutting down Rudius, or visiting it 20 times a day, or continually updating my Facebook! Fuck yeah! Tucker Fucking to the Max!


"But the distributor is releasing it in three cities and not spending any money on it. We’re going to have the same problem as in America."

Ahh....so no 200 million box office prediction then?

"You have a law degree from Duke. Would you consider going back to practising law when this all dries up?

I’m a fucking bestselling author who’s sold a million books."

HAHAHAHAAH. Comeon man. Just give it up.

"I’ve got another book coming up that’s going to be number one on the bestseller list just like my current book"

Yes. Which is why you can't pre-order it and it has no release date. What is going on with that book Tucker?

"and you’re asking me if I need to get another fucking job?"

Well yes...because you took out a 500k loan against your future booksales to make this movie and you have to repay it as you are broke.

"I fucking quit that job and that lifestyle because it sucks, and I went and did what I love."

You actually got fired. Remember. Like you got fired from your fathers restuarant. Like you've been fired from every job you've ever had.

"But apparently you think I need to go back and do that because what I’m doing isn’t legit or something."

No. I think you need to go back because what you are failing at what you are doing.

Anonymous said...

"'Get the fuck out of here. He's evaluating it now as "funny" a "good movie" with "great performances" none of those things are true at all. And you want to e-suck Dawes for supposedly coming clean about how he felt towards the movie?

Fuck you. You fucking cunt douchebag."

No, I was just giving him some credit for saying what no one else in the group of sycophants was. And while we're talking about sucking, did you ever stop to consider why you spend so much time here hating Tucker?

Yeah, his movie failed, and he is a douche. But, at the end of the day, he's still a best selling author and has accomplished more in a few years than 90% of the posters here will in their lifetimes. Maybe you should spend a little more time working on yourself instead of rubbernecking your way through life.

That's the thing about this forum: it's become more about helping a bunch of losers feel better about themselves than it ever was about Tucker.

Anonymous said...

I love this quote:

"But apparently you think I need to go back and do that because what I’m doing isn’t legit or something."

Legit ? I guess it is legit if you ignore the many fallacies and inconsistencies in your fetid writing. I keep wondering why in the hell he shut down his msg board, it seemed to me to be a great marketing tool for his next book. I guess that I don't understand marketing like he does and I can't invent characters and stories like he does either.

I am wondering if his next few books will be material poached from the archives of the msg bored. I imagine that he now owns the content.

Oh, and to the dude who keeps commenting in characters:

MOST OF US CANNOT READ YOUR COMMENTS IN THAT FORMAT.

Anonymous said...

"he's still a best selling author and has accomplished more in a few years than 90% of the posters here will in their lifetimes."

Hi Tucker!

Anonymous said...

Hi,

This is Greg again. I'm the lit agent. Just wanted to get this out there:

I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell by Tucker Max, ISBN 0806527285

Sales in Canada (all provinces): 5381 units sold as of 11/06/2009

That's the official BookScan number. So much for "hundreds of thousands of books sold in Canada".

Have a nice day.

Anonymous said...

^^^ HAHHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Greg, you're the MAN.

Anonymous said...

Greg, could you get us the total bookscan number's for Tucker's book? Has it sold anywhere close to the 1m+ he claims?

Anonymous said...

Greg, is there any way you can provide a screen capture of bookscan?

- quotable tucker max

the Deconstruction Guy said...

Greg,

Nice job.

-TDG

Anonymous said...

Are you saying Tugger can't tell the difference between 5,381 and hundreds of thousands?

Is he REALLY that stupid?

Is Nils really THAT fat?

Anonymous said...

"No, I was just giving him some credit for saying what no one else in the group of sycophants was. And while we're talking about sucking"

Let me stop you. You're about to say something along the lines of people who spend so much time hating on tucker, blah, blah, blah..


", did you ever stop to consider why you spend so much time here hating Tucker?"

And there it is. So apparently something that provides me entertainment is wasting my time? Can you tell me how many times I've posted?

As opposed to the 20 a day ave for tucker ever since he started his blog. With about 15,000 posts. No, you're right, it's me that spends so much of my time...

"Yeah, his movie failed, and he is a douche. But, at the end of the day, he's still a best selling author and has accomplished more in a few years than 90% of the posters here will in their lifetimes."

I do not care.

"Maybe you should spend a little more time working on yourself instead of rubbernecking your way through life."

Again...woeful assumptions. Are you an internet millionare? I couldn't deny that you were if you claimed to be. Likewise...you don't know me...so shut the fuck up.

"That's the thing about this forum: it's become more about helping a bunch of losers feel better about themselves than it ever was about Tucker"

Really...god. Ok...I want you to slowly back up, and literally fuck your own face.

I'm sure, FDG, TDG, PMC, Greg, and many of the posters here have legit careers they focus on and aren't nearly as broke as Tucker.

Assuming people who post on the internet must be unemployed, living in a basement, and so on is about the dumbest attack ever invented. Considering you also are posting online, wasting time responding to my messages.

Anonymous said...

Come on guys, lets stop the fussin' and the fightin'.

At least there's one thing we can all agree on: Nils is fat. Like, hide the babies fat. Free Nilly!!!

Anonymous said...

WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH CALL THE WAHHHHHHHHHHHHMBULANCE, CANADA, AMERICA, CRITICS, FREESTYLE, AND THE INTERNET ARE CONSPIRING AGAINST MY MASTERPIECE MOVIE

WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

6'0 and hundreds of thousands of books sold in canada later.

Anonymous said...

Greg the Lit Agent, can you upload some screencaps of Total Book Sales and Canadian Book Sales? Would be useful for quotabletuckermax.com.

Anonymous said...

"Canadian fans email and pester me all day long to find out when the movie is going to be released."

Even though I constantly tell them to NOT email me about this!!!

Anonymous said...

An e-mail from a Canadian fan:

Howdy-do, Tucker. I see you're coming to Canada with your movie, eh? I was drinking a Molson, eating some poutine and watching DaVinci's Inquest, and an ad for I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell came on. Up in Canada, we love movies where people poop themselves. After all, Terrance and Philip are Canadians.

Just the other day, my friend and I were sitting in Tim Horton's, and he said, "You know what you don't see enough? Movies with a grown man shitting himself."

Anyway, the Senators game is about to come on, and I bet you're busy too, eh? I just wanted to drop you a quick one and let you know that your movie is going to take Canada by storm. I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell is going to be bigger than Alanis Morissette.

-Johnny Canuck

Anonymous said...

GRIFFIN has posted

Tucker gives a heartfelt speech to the crew and who doesn't trust American bums

Anonymous said...

"There was a cool moment when the ten of us exited the van. It felt very Tarantino-esque as this haphazard band of misfits walked towards the theater."

Is he serious?

Anonymous said...

anyone remember the story of tucker claiming to make fun of some typical fratboys because their names were brad, chester, tyler, and the like? tucker's so self-aware, he doesn't realize his own name is tucker. douche

Anonymous said...

it's so hollywood to pay a small movie theatre to play your crappy movie. did they walk from their minivan in slow motion? no autographs, please. do not email me about this, people

Anonymous said...

Whats the link to Griffin's blog?

Anonymous said...

Whats the link to Griffin's blog?

Anonymous said...

Don't know why you want to rape your eyes but here you go:

GriffinWritesShit

Anonymous said...

I now it's incredibly painful, but I skimmed through Griffin's latest blog post and there's some gems in there. In a couple paragraphs he describes Tucker's "rally the troops" speech he gives to the crew. He elevates his movie's bus tour into a life and death, once in a lifetime struggle. He even compares the tour to the 90s Michael Jordan in his prime Chicago Bulls. I think a more apt analogy would comparing it to the Clippers.

Anonymous said...

Also, here's one of the comments:

"Wow, Chris….never have I seen such eloquent prose transcribed onto a viewable medium for all to see and enjoy. You writing not only flows like the mighty river Thames, but it posits to the reader a deeper, subconscious self-reflection so few have been able to achieve through the literary word. The manner in which you exhibit your feeble existence on the IHTSBIH scene leaves no stone unturned, and it fully allows the reader to feel, if only for just a brief moment, what it must be like roam so lowly on the food chain of the movie world.

But you don’t stop there, oh no……..no, that mere morsel of transcribed brilliance only dampens the thirst of the fiery demon living within your mighty quill. Your ability to relay the happiness and fulfillment in which you seemed to relish in your “bitch-ness” leaves not the reader with a feeling of sorrow and sympathy, but, instead, gives a sense of hope that no matter what may befall the reader as he travels through the muck and the mire of life’s challenges, he will always know that he did not allow himself to be treated like a disobedient, red-headed stepchild by a father whose only fleeting existence was maintained by frat-like creatures barely capable of understanding anything outside the dick and fart lexicon.

So, to you, good sir, I tip my hat…..Not only do I hope they serve beer in hell, but I hope and pray, with the ferver and excitment of a child on Christmas morn’, that someday your literary brilliance is recognized. A great disservice to humanity is occuring within each and every day your words go unread in our public schools. You style, punctuation and grammar, quite frankly, piss more perfection than anything Gore Vidal could only hope to achieve on his best day, coked out of his mind and knee deep in black hookers.

Not since Louie Anderson eating ice cream out of a man’s ass has there been a more net-worthy story than your life as a movie gopher. I can only hope, nay, PRAY that you continue on your journey. The world needs you, Chris Griffin, so go forth…..and godspeed."

Wow.

Anonymous said...

^^^^ whoever wrote that comment is a bigger failure than Griffin

The Deconstruction Guy said...

" He even compares the tour to the 90s Michael Jordan in his prime Chicago Bulls. I think a more apt analogy would comparing it to the Clippers."

No dude, it's more apt to comparing it to Len Bias.

A Len Bias who wasn't very good at basketball and never made it out of high school sports but still died of a cocaine overdose nonetheless.

Anonymous said...

lol at the douches who have griffin on an rss feed.

Anonymous said...

Whatever happened to that guy who was writing about terrorism and the threat of radical Islam in prisons and the Drug Laws being fucked up?

Was that site Tremble the Devil actually any good?

Anonymous said...

^^^ *sigh* HIIII Tremble the Devil.

Anonymous said...

A quick hello to Griffin the Vag in his comments section..."Hahahaha…of course you clicked the link. We know some things as fact; Tucker is a fucking liar and a cunt. You’re just a pussy, but then all you fags up there are. And Jeff is a punk that will get his fucking ass kicked by me or any other real MMA fighter. All three of you are fucking pathetic losers. Zero’s. Nothing, and now you get to eat your shit sandwich, you fucking faggot.

The entire internet is laughing at you fucking flame-outs! Bwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhhahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahha."

Anonymous said...

the clippers? tucker and friends dont even compare to any sort of legitimate professional athlete, not in the NBA, the CBA, the WNBA, or even a division 3 girls team. tucker paid for his moderate, niche-vague-semi-not really success via his dad. he lied his way to the bottom of the bottom of the lowest tier of negligible success. he will not go down in history for anything other than being a douche bag. he is only famous in his own mind, and his fanboys'. tucker aint no NBA clippper, son. he might write a story about pretending to meet a clipper, but that's about as far as he will get.

tucker is, however, 6'0. you know it's true because he put that down on his license, and i think lying on your license is a felony. wait, is tucker a felon?

Anonymous said...

the story 'Tucker Fucks a Midget' could have been technically true if it were just about tucker masturbating. tucker's short, is all i'm saying. look at his body type, posture, and hands. he looks like a midget. or a dwarf. i forget which one. also, nils is fat. they should name him after a ferocious dinosaur or some type of fat monster.

Anonymous said...

hey dawes and nils, ur wikipedia articles got deleted. sorry :(

Anonymous said...

let's make a list of tucker's lies that we've caught him on

hundreds of thousands of copies sold in canada.

he's 6'0

nick sadler/special forces

????

Anonymous said...

At this point, anything that comes out of Tuggers mouth is a lie.

Anonymous said...

I just got done listening to the introduction of a torrented copy of the 48 Laws of Power by Robert Greene. Greene seems to be the philosophical Sith Lord to the Rudius empire.

I have to say it is some sick shit. Basically being a coniving lyer is the only way to be because everybody does it. It is important to use misdirection to hide your motives and appear decent. People who appear moral are just running another power game supposedly.

In other words sell your self and conscience of mind for a
pack of lies. What is the point of being a successful fraud?

Anonymous said...

haterz,

lay off the rilla. dissin not a good time fo him.

-bunny

Anonymous said...

Robert Greene is so 2007. The Rudius conglomerate is currently following the teachings of Saint Priapus.

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