The story below was copied from a
Facebook.com account. A link to this story in the comments to an older post awhile ago.
Tucker Max's face, meet Megan ******'s hand
Megan was discussing ball shaving with a nice man at a tailgate. Good start to this story;) NE ways, Tucker Max was also at the tailgate and started talking shit to Megan (he obviously thought she was a hot girl who would sleep w/ him if acted like an asshole, and he was showing off in front of his buddies). Megan hit him on the arm, and he said that meant Megan wanted to fuck him because if she hit him in the face, then he'd know she was mad. She then dissed his elastic waistband (yes, he was wearing elastic waistband shorts, what is he, 12?), and he said "its so stupid bitch whores like you can suck my dick without any confusion." So she slapped him in the face!!!
Tucker threw his drink at her, Candice threw her drink at Tucker with lightning fast reflexes, then he proceeded to grab Megan by her hair and hit her in the face with his pathetically small hands. With a bruised face, and a bruised ego, he took his shriveled penis back to his buddies.
In Tucker Max's own words, "My name is Tucker Max, and I am an asshole." Oh, and he hits girls.
15,918 comments:
«Oldest ‹Older 8401 – 8600 of 15918 Newer› Newest»Bunny still thinks Tucker will "see the light" and marry her one day.
Confirm or deny?
Nils Parker's wife only married him after she fucked Tucker, got herpes, and was too dirty for normal men.
Confirm or deny?
Tucker drives like my grandmother.
Confirm or deny?
Sean McKittrick took Tucker's movie on a coked out dare. "I bet you I can take the shittiest script you find and make it into a hit."
Confirm or deny?
Tucker Max has no fancy wardrobe because homeless people don't have a lot of space to store clothes.
Confirm or deny?
To whomever said Tucker's niceness on his boards last week wouldn't last, you win the brass monkey.
Good job.
What a total jeckyl and hyde. One minute, being chill and engaging in cheerful/playful banter and the next, raging on even people who are sucking his e-cock.
I think the comments are getting to him... not a post goes by where he doesn't mention "the haters."
Seriously, guys, I think we need to scale back before he full out freshpops.
12:45:
"Freshpops"?? Now that's an old-school message board reference right there. But you clearly don't "get it", even if Tucker were to frshpop, it would only be because it is part of the revolution he is leading, you can't possibly understand yet, but you will, because it's just that awesome. Trust me.
Yay frshpop! I knew there were bound to be some people here who were from the original board! Way to make yourself known!!!!
@1:05, you are a funny man. I like you and I'm a female so no fear of ass rape, k? Unless you are into that sort of thing.
Hot Damn, while we're at it, somebody call Rosh, XgataX, and JoetheFat too! No doubt they'd like to be in on this conversation.
Glad some others are on West Coast time. I've been hitting refresh on every commercial for an hour. Waiting on a server upgrade is brutal.
Hey guys, just so you know, Tucker has always been revolutionary. In my efforts to find out what the hell you guys were talking about with those last posts, I found this thread on the RMMB.
http://messageboard.tuckermax.com/showthread.php?t=11187
It details highlights of the poster's time on the boards. This is what Tucker had to say about internet-sexing which he, apparently, revolutionized.
---------------------------
--Fucking lots of girls off the internet (my first time was in 2000, when it was almost unhread of, and still in 2002, pre-MySpace, this was still not a common thing)
--------------------------------
I'm not proud of it but I lost my virginity to someone from the interwebs in 1996 and that's after 2-3 years of being online and having a bunch of guys try to meet/date/sex me. I don't know where he lived his life, but by 2000, the internet sex thing was pretty much common practice. Just sayin'.
Whoa, I just read all of that thread. Thank you for posting. I'm sort of lonesome for that old board-world.
I had forgotten about Cumbucket and Proctor and Twinkletoes and Barbie and Rosh's JV board and JTF and XGata's god awful photo and the Reaper stuff and when Navy died, sad. Txtbook and Taryn were a barrel of sad laughter.
Those days are long, long, long gone.
"He's also a goddamned Jew-Genius (in homage to the long-departed Anti-Semite guy)."
Jews AREN'T geniuses. They get high scores on the verbal part of the SAT and bad ones on the math. Because Jews are the parasite entity to the societal organism. They use words to fool people like you into thinking they're smarter than you are even though they themselves don't know what the words mean half the time. That's why they migrate into fields like politics and law and psychology, anywhere they can spew a torrent of words at well-meaning whites to bamboozle and confuse them, and probably fuck some stupid white women who weren't taught how to recognize the conniving Jew.
"You should read his fictional scenario detailing a second American Civil War. It's out there somewhere, and it's fucking awesome. If there ever IS a 2nd American Civil War,"
1) It doesn't take a genius to predict the next civil war, in fact you would have to be a pretty major dumbass to think it's avoidable at this point
2) the causes are self-evident. Here again we have a Jew pretending major discoveries that were in fact commonly recognized by lots of people before him, just like Einstein.
Actually I just dug it up and the whole thing is just classic Jew misdirection. The only thing he gets vaguely right is the timeframe, all the rest is idiot libtard Jewdog paranoia propaganda, blaming everyone else for what Jews are doing. But he's a Jew, what else can you expect. Same as with rats, they just do their thing, and you just gotta learn to use rat poison.
The good thing is Jews are going to be explicit TARGETS this time around. So they'll run to China, as is the pattern. The Chinese haven't been immunized to the parasites yet.
"But do read Vaknin's shit. He might be a bit of a douche"
He's a Jew. Goes with the territory.
*A CANCER RATHER THAN A CONSPIRACY*
“Looking at our situation practically, we who are not yet absorbed by the Crowd are in a rough place: we cannot strike out against the crowd, and yet we cannot continue to tolerate it, or it will eventually reduce our civilization to third-world status through backhanded destruction of all things higher than its non-goal intentions. Even more, as it has crept within our society, it has spread its agenda of destruction against any higher ideas or ideals. Crowdists triumph through greater numbers, and with each generation of Crowdist control, more people submit out of exhaustion, and thus swell the numbers of Crowdists. It is not a conspiracy; it is a cancer. Since Crowdists have the purchasing power in our society, and the popularity, they ignore any higher visions. A product designed for those who are not Crowdists will not be boycotted, only bypassed. Those who speak up about the truth of the situation, or any of the details associated with the truth that can be construed as offensive (women and men are not equal, races are not equal, individuals are not equal, decisions are not all equal) will be branded a heretic and, while no overt action is taken against them, they will passively be denied opportunity until they accept their destiny as a janitor or in rage against the injustice lash out, become an aggressor and are killed. Remember, Crowdism is negative logic. It does not set out to establish an ideal as much as remove those with ideals, as those conflict with its paradoxical worldview, which is that of facilitating individuals rather than uniting individuals with a goal. Crowdism is anti-aspiration, and anti-organic. It only approves of systems where one individual is in power, or all are equally in power, and thus nothing gets decided.”
Wow, anti-semetism is about as relevant as Tucker's movie.
Way to be revolutionary.
The Jews hate you. Why don't you hate them back?
I spend all of my energy hating Indians. With dots. Not feathers.
Jews are just rich. It's sort of not fair that their parents give them $50k for housing and $100k for weddings and pay for their grad school and set up trusts for their babbies.
My parents bought me a pecan pie from a convenience store last week.
Damned non-Jews.
Wow, this board needs some maxi pads and Kleenex doesn't it?
"The book [I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell] is fucking legendary. Already on a collision course with it's destiny as part of the American canon."
-Tucker Max
Hahahahahaha
Can anyone really be that deluded, or is fucker just the greatest, most long term troll of all time?
"The Jews hate you. Why don't you hate them back?"
Yo ryan holiday!
Do you still have to blind fold your pigs in order for them to maintain erections long enough to fuck you?
We can always tell when you and the other otto goons are around, it's the distinct aroma of douche water, pig come, and bullshit
Tucker, I confess I come here to be mean to you when I feel down about my life. I'm sorry about the mean comments. I will try to not be mean anymore. Jesus doesn't like it. Srsly. O'rly? Srsly.
Tucker was nice to me on his board. I posted whatever I wanted regularly and wasn't a mod. He even joked around with me a few times. I left the site because the stoopid level exploded over the last few years and the young mods were idiots.
FWIW, I didn't leave bc Tucker was a douchebag. Tucker was always a douchebag. I left because the quality of the board dropped and he was too caught up in having fans to keep the focus on intelligent conversation.
I think the movie sucks but I don't hate tucker. In fact, I think it is cool he made it this far. I wish him luck. Maybe some people will like it but it is def not my tastes.
-tmmb since early "03
Do you still have to blind fold your pigs in order for them to maintain erections long enough to fuck you?
We can always tell when you and the other otto goons are around, it's the distinct aroma of douche water, pig come, and bullshit
8/10/2009 6:26 AM
Don't be fooled by this post. This is one of Tucker's minions or even Tucker himself and is an old tactic that they've used before where they will pretend to be an anti-Tucker poster and make heavily obscene or homoerotic type comments or insults to make it seem as though the posters in here are somehow deviant.
"This is how Tucker explains the absolutely transitory nature of his fanbase. His fans didn't leave because of a book and they won't leave because of a movie. They leave because they GROW the fuck up."
A fine observation.
"in ten years' time, he's written a grand total of one book and one movie script"
Let's not forget the Rudius blog cartel.
"make heavily obscene or homoerotic type comments"
Porcine-erotic comments in that case, surely?!
I wouldn't put it past the lying douche bags.
They may be too busy trying to stuff 50,000 'schwag bags' plus food, water, etc into a mini-bus at the moment though.
^
Gonna' Tucker Max Fail!
@8/10/2009 4:17 AM
Anti-Semite Guy! Good to see you again. Your racist bullshit has gotten more refined over the years. I remember way back when your posts consisted of nothing other than rants about "Kike Zionists" and whatnot.
Did you go to racist college or something in the interim?
Anyway, it's good to have you back in all of your anti-Semitic glory.
Even racists think that Tucker Max is a liar and a douchebag. Now THAT says something about the douche.
All aboard the Fail Bus!
The next six weeks are going to be highly amusing.
I just hope some folks blog about this film, not just in terms of the poor quality, but about the empty seats. Tucker has already resorted to announcing free seats, which is an awful policy. Now the non "SOLD OUT" showings are going to be that much more difficult to sell, in the kids can now just show up and get free seats. This isn't exactly the type of movie you take a date to, so you don't really need to buy a ticket in advance.
If you're not a fanboy who frequents his message board, how are you supposed to have heard about the movie tour? Are there internet ads anywhere? Radio? Flyers on campus?
"Tucker has never held a paying position outside of his family's restaurants.
Confirm or deny?"
He was legitimately an intern for a firm in California. A job from which he was fired.
haha someone on the board figured out what the "S" was behind Bradford's head
It supposed to be the "his" and "hers" pillows. And the poster posted the pillows on the board
Tucker deleted the image. Hahaha what a douche
This thread: http://tinyurl.com/m7sslj
is hilarious. Apparently Jojo challenged the RMMB idiots to troll Tucker's facebook/myspace, but all their attempts are getting immediately deleted.
Hey Jojo, you're supposed to let Ryan Holiday in on the secret!!!
"I remember way back when your posts consisted of nothing other than rants about "Kike Zionists" and whatnot."
I don't think that was me, but all anonymous jew-haters look the same anyway, right?
"Anyway, it's good to have you back in all of your anti-Semitic glory."
I live to make you happy. Well, not really.
"Even racists think that Tucker Max is a liar and a douchebag. Now THAT says something about the douche."
Let's all hold hands and sing!
TUCKER MAX'S BLUE HAIR AND BLOND EYES DEVOTED TO THE SERVICE OF EVIL ARE A BETRAYAL OF THE GLORIES OF THE ARYAN RACE AND OF THE BASIC HUMAN DECENCY COMMON TO THE HEROIC RACES, WHITE PEOPLE AND JAPS. TUCKER MAX HAS SOLD HIS SOUL TO THE JEW FOR A DOUCHEBAG. TUCKER MAX'S FAILURE WILL STAND AS AN EXAMPLE TO ALL WHITE PEOPLE OF WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU FOLLOW THE JEW-PATH OF DECADENCE AND DISHONOR. MAY HE REPENT OF HIS RACE-TRAITOR WAYS AND BECOME A HEROIC WARRIOR FOR THE LIGHT.
La la la, la la la
Its funny how people try to troll this board when all there doing is making the post count just go higher. Which makes it even more humiliating to Tucker and co.
"This thread: http://tinyurl.com/m7sslj
is hilarious. "
Thanks for pointing this out, it is that. One might almost think people are taking advantage of it to say what they really think but would get banned for.
You cynical, cynical person.
But it is very true.
With regards to that thread above - why would people want to post on a page or board that's clearly and openly so heavily moderated?
Strange...
Once again, no discernable progress in terms of ticket sales for IHTSBIH. Tucker registered the tiniest of ripples on MySpace and Twitter when the trailer was released, and now... nothing.
Obviously the advertising and trailer did little to nothing in terms of selling tickets. I wonder if Darko has the ability to pull funding for distribution from Freestyle, in the event that the tour fails miserably.
I hate my life, that's why I post here
^^^
Is that you Bunny?
Anti-semite guy:
Don't you think that each person should be judged individually? Even if the bell curve of Jew "badness" falls to the right of the bell curve of non-Jew "badness," you still end up a huge overlap, meaning that there are lots of non-Jews who are better people than lots of Jews, and vice verse.
Confirm/deny?
That justin.tv interview:
http://www.justin.tv/clip/8d31d19346b051ec
Can't hear a damn thing, and it only has 26 views right now.
@2:44:
Kinda funny, that's what I was saying to anti-semites about five years back. They told me "Yeah, you're on the edge, just give it time" I said "No way! I'm not a racist!"
Fact is there are tons of people of all races who are really good people. Fact is also that Jews have been huge boosters of every single major disfunction in modern society, feminism [of which Tucker is a direct consequence], multiculturalism, and massive immigration by very dissimilar peoples being the biggest ones, and in brainwashing everybody to think these are good things and that our ancestors through thousands of years of history were all consistently wrong and small-minded and stupid and so on for rejecting such things. There were liberal dumbasses advocating things completely opposed to the wisdom of experience in America right from the founding of the first colonies - the original Plymouth colony was communist, until they realized they were all starving, and one woman got kicked out of half a dozen towns in the Massachussetts colonies because she kept agitating in favor of female equality. (Yeah, I'm sexist too.) However it wasn't until large numbers of Jews immigrated into the country in the 1880s and 1890s, and then their kids and grandkids moved into positions of political and cultural power, and particularly not until the TV networks and movie industry started having lots of Jews, that all of a sudden the historical norms got tossed out and we all started believing everybody is equal and interchangeable and one's ancestry has no bearing on anything at all and you should feel bad if you love your own kind more than you love a Somali tribesman or an Aztec day laborer from Mexico, and that America exists for the sole purpose of letting in everybody else. While that was happening here, European and Russian Jews were creating the Communist party and becoming the majority of the leadership cadre of the Bolsheviks, with well-known results.
Now I don't know whether it's just something in their blood that they inherited from the Khazars, or if it's the Talmud brainwashing them as bad as the Muslims (there's some evil stuff in the Talmud, and Jews hate to talk about that book), but I DO know I want them to stop breaking everything they touch and pretending it's for everybody else's good and pulling the chosen people superiority act and trying to destroy anybody who objects. Nobody else does that, but Jews.
I know not everyone here, reads IMDB board, but PMcDonnel has an excellent post today under the "made up" thread. It deserves a re-post!
My real answer is that the core of his message: " I do what I want, live the dream, and am a total success going my own way," is total fiction. The reality is that he is a 34 year old guy who is still trying to figure out what he wants to be when he grows up-- and hasn't achieved any real success in real terms.
But as for your question, I think it depends upon the story, and here is my opinion:
The Butseth story is pure fiction--no witnesses, no tape, no girl, and its pretty far-fetched. Plus, it basically strings together a bunch of scenarios already done in movies and books.
The Donut shop story is mostly fiction as well. Again, no witnesses, police report, dialogue is pretty far fetched.
The tear gas story is fiction as it pertains to the tear gas discharging during sex.
The lingerie sushi story is fiction aside from the fact that it describes a basic drunken night.
The Chicago starter pistol story is pure fiction.
The Katy Johnson story is essentially based upon real events --whether he got her almost the first time they met, was her best ever, and other details only they both can say is true or fiction -- is another story. But he did date a beauty queen, they both went to a wedding and made a scene, had a bad break up, etc. Aside from the usual BS embellishments, I'll concede that there is a lot of truth to the underlying story. What made that story interesting is that Tucker went on the internet and published embarrassing things about her and then fought her in court for the right to keep posting it. Now, its sad that he's kept the story up and going long after any reasonable person would have just let it go, but it is not really far fetched in its basic facts.
The Austin Road trip is based upon an actual road trip to a strip club but the dialogue is fabricated, his negotiations with the stripper is pure fantasy, and he wasn't banned from any hotel. But basically, it is your classic college road trip story made more interesting with exxageration and embellishment.
The mascot assault is embellished in that he probably clowned with a mascot, got some pictures taken, but there was no real assault. The ticket scalping and dialogue was fabricated to make the story interesting.
The midget story is one of those things that is just sad. It seems like he attended a convention/meeting of sorts, but I doubt that he consummated anything. The real question is how he has progressed from bragging about models and beauty queen girlfriends to "hey, give me your poor, your tired, your wretched freaks, who want to jump into bed with a d-lister."
Part 2 (and no, I do not know P McDonnel, but I think he speaks for most of the reasonable people and how they think about Tucker, especially here)...
As a general proposition, most of the alpha male dialogue in all stories is fabricated, embellished, or falls into the category, "I wish I said this last night."
I think that Tucker discovered as an upperclassman at the U of C, that suddenly being a geeky rich kid wasn't such a bad thing around other college girls. And that if he played the cool guy with that group, he could score. In law school, he discovered that being a law student (or recent grad) has a real appeal to a whole group of upper middle class college girls that assume that anyone in grad school is a good catch --being a med student is even better. So, I am willing to accept that he got laid a lot in his early 20s through his early thirties, which was a big change from high school where he probably wasn't getting any action. Most of his latest stories seem to rely upon his internet fame as a d-list celebrity and the girls appear to be pretty damaged goods, i.e. Bunny, tattoo girl, and the message board groupies.
He lacks the real consequences or resume of the real total hard core, abandon everything party guy like he claims. Most of the real deal folks have a long record of DUIs, disorderly conduct citations, ER visits, detox, alcohol rehab, school suspensions, expulsions, serious fights, etc--particularly if they have been running close to the line for 15 or so years as he claims. So, he must keep enough of his wits about him to avoid the real heavy trouble that comes along with that lifestyle if you are the real deal. IMO, he is the guy that walks around with a glass in his hand, but if you really took the time to count what he drank, he is just a notch above social drinker. These people are like poison to the real out of control guys who try and emulate their hero and don't understand why they face real consequences.
Most of his so called business success and savvy, from the 1 million books sold (@450k actually sold), advances, so called offers from real movie houses are fiction and gross exaggeration. Almost everything he has written about how negotiations went down or how great his deal is, are total fiction.
So, I am willing to estimate that 50% of what Tucker says is BS, and that the BS comprises 85% of the interesting things he writes about in his stories. And that his "living the dream. consequences be damned," message is 100% BS.
But Anti-Semite guy, what about the Jews who don't do any of that stuff? If you just say that you hate the people who do all the stuff you listed, then I'd understand. I just think that "Jew" is too broad of a category, encompassing people who may have even the same views as you do (self-hating Jews, anyone?).
Stop baiting anti-semite guy, you idiot.
I'm absolutely baffled that Tucker says he deliberately withheld the funniest scenes from his trailer. Hardly ANYONE outside of the college-age crowd knows who he is, and I don't think there are many people outside that group who will go because it's a "Tucker max production." so why would he distribute a watered-down ad to entice people who have no idea what his master plan is to o see his film. If you were auditioning for something would you give it your all, or would you do a half-ass job and say, "well if you hire me, I'll actually try." complete and total idiocy.
where the fuck was that interview filmed, downtown Baghdad?! All i could hear was clattering background.
"The movie is awesome. The movie is going to do amazing numbers and change the way comedy is made." - Tucker Max, August 2009.
aside from the exaggerations and fantasy dialogue, tugger also throws in a lot of time compression. Fucking a girl half an hour after meeting her reads much better than fucking her two weeks later (after taking her out to dinner a couple times). There's also misleading innuendo (eg "sleeping with", "hooking up") that implies he got his dick wet when in reality, he ends up jacking off.
Tucker has no game
A girl said this to me last night:
"You aren't at all what I expected. I thought you would be more suave and debonair."
That statement by itself isn't all that funny, until you put it into context:
She said it to me as we were laying in bed, having just fucked three times. That was two hours after I met her.
^^^^^^
Tugger thinks it's ironic, but he has no game. Why did she think he would be suave and debonair? Because she read his website and emailed him to have sex!! That's right: girls come to him with their pussies dripping... and most realize what a spazz he is and turn him down. (The rest realize he's a spazz but fuck him anyway).
Wow. Tucker got Traci Lords to interview him online. Good move. Haven't watched yet, but I have some transcripts. Is this real?
TRACI LORDS "I'm here with Tucker Max (sounds of plates dropping in background) which opens in (chainsaw noises) to say the very least (a pallet of bowling balls is dropped three feet away)
TUCKER MAX "Yeah, basically, and shit. The book is (a case of hammers is thrown at the wall) and the best part, for me at least is (a mechanic uses a drill to remove four screws)
T.L. "Back up a second. How did you get fired by your (glass shatters) that sounds interesting."
T.M. "Well I handle life the way you handled Peter North's penis in (a mariachi band starts playing) I put it in my ass twice and then though ' oh shit, why don't I just (a jack hammer breaks up a sidewalk) 'cause I'm not that kind of guy. I win. At everything."
T.L. "How important is press and marketing regarding the (an air raid siren goes off) because you only get one shot at these things."
T.M. "Totally. When I fucking wrote the script I knew two things. One, this was (a car crashes through the wall five feet away) and two, I was going to buy a jet with (more chainsaw noises)
T.L. "I noticed that the sound level and picture quality in your college speech was crappy. Did you take any steps to improve the (a muslim cleric gives a speech on a nearby radio)
T.M. "We've been planning this shit out for a year. The last thing we're going to do is (a set of bleachers from the Rose Bowl parade tips over. Slowly)
"Stop baiting anti-semite guy, you idiot."
Learn to deal with it, fuckhead.
@7:38
AWESOME.
tucker = douchebag
dont taze me bro
Tucker has no natural charisma. And no career. And he throws like a girl. And lives in his imagination.
@7:38, ditto on the awesome comment
anyone else see that recent interview with director bob goss where he talks about tucker max? oh wait, it never happened, because he hates tucker and lost faith in the project. weird, you'd think that he would say SOMETHING
Feed me Seymour. I'm hungry.
The most professional video in the history of showbiz is right here.
http://www.justin.tv/clip/8d31d19346b051ec
Is this a joke?
get your pussies ready, portland
Slow. Board.
Poor Tucker. Even these haterz that live for nothing but crucifying him have nothing to say.
Because its just flogging a dead horse at this point 8:54
First day of movie tour is today...anyone have any news/press???
Press? Lest we forget, this movie doesn't need the traditional media to be successful.
TM's rule #11: "Midget jokes are beneath us." I know that he probably sees that as witty and all hell but...
It doesn't make any kind of sense.
btw, Tucker. We get it. you own a dog. next.
Wouldn't it be a terrible shame if someone reported to the local police either a smell of marijuana smoke or having seen drugs on the tour bus...
Who will be thrown under the bus first????
Bob Gosse?
Darko?
Matt Czerfsfksfy?
Nils?
Sony/CBS/Viacom/Comedy Central?
Fox?
The traditional media that doesn't get it yet?
Stay tuned!!!
Now featuring TDG:
http://nilsparkerisadouchebag.blogspot.com/
NILS PARKER IS A DOUCHEBAG. (Now with less ugly wife and annoying mom and more TDG/Funny posts.) Check it.
PS, Please link the above site so when employers, divorce lawyers, family etc search for D-Bag Nils Parker, it is the FIRST search result. Thanks. TNPDG
"mccoymountain" over at IMDB is almost as bad of a writer as Andrew Ator. Just incomprehensible rambling.
Hey, nils parker is a douchebag guy:
You said nils once got sloppy seconds off a skank after tucker.
Was it his fÃance?
Want some entertaining reading?
Google News "I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell" and check out what the media is saying about the trailer.
Ouch...that many bad reviews of just the trailer has got to be a giant kick in the nuts for the Tuckster.
You know, Nil's bith kind of reminds me of bunny. They both look a little bit mannish. Is that because manly girls prefer douchebags or is it because Nils is trying to be as tucker-like as possible?
Anybody going to the Portland premiere tonight? I urge someone from this board to go and see if they can their dirty little mits on a ticket that's reserved for the press who won't show up.
We need to see an HONEST review of this film. And if you can't get a ticket, at least gauge the audience reaction when it's over. C'mon, hilarity will ensue! HILARITY WILL ENSUE.
What's the deal with this mccoymountain dipshit? I'm starting to believe this guy is from the RMMB camp, this guy has some of the dumbest fucking posts I've ever read.
Perhaps this was done to have the intelligent posters such as Generic User and PMC slowly disband with legit criticisms.
Tucker is gay.
Just kidding! Tucker likes vagina.
this is a repeat story and totally made up. nice try, Mcbeefsmoker.
YAY! mr mcbeefjerks is back! now let's all go back to talking about tucker's cock.
It's a repeat, but a classic nonetheless: a perfect depiction of TM's douchebaggedness, his tiny body parts, and his limp-wristed fighting style.
hahaha "tiny body parts". not even 3 posts in, and the obsession with tucker's body begins.
i swear to god this fuckin blog is run by tucker or one of his friends.
this is a repeat story and totally made up.
Yup, and Tucker's lies are true. Asshole.
she forgot to mention his nasal, high-pitched, lisping voice.
ok, tugger's good at potty humor, but think about this:
He's on a tour bus with Nils, bunny, jon tando, bill dawes, et cetera for 2 months.
Bunny has massive shits. She also loves butt sex. Go figure.
Nils... well you don't get that fat without eating a LOT of food. And you don't eat a lot of food without producing a LOT of shit. Not to mention ass gas.
Tucker doesn't flush. Or shower. Or change his clothes.
Add in the assorted skank vomit and a steady diet of McGriddles and the bus bathroom will be unbearable within a day or two.
The tour is a month and a half, 45 days.
I hope they serve deodorant in hell.
^^^
HOHOHO
First screening starts in 40 minutes. It went perfect and amazing by the way. Everyone loved it. The crowd went nuts. People loved the film and were quoting it in the lobby. And it hasn't even screened yet, but it was awesome and exceeded every expectation.
http://twitter.com/ns000
He's in the Portland screening now. See what he says when he gets out.
Of course, it'd probably be something along the lines of "Oh my gosh! *gargle* This movie was so awesome *gargle, swallow*"
Portland screening isn't close to sold out. I'd say that there are less than 150 people at the actual "premiere", this includes the 10-15 people who are from Tucker's camp.
No celebrities either, unless you consider Tucker and Nils a "celebrity".
^^^^
PS: I will update some more when I need to take a piss and can get to my iPhone in the shitter.
^^^ Is the movie any good?
thanks for the updates.
This should go well.
http://messageboard.tuckermax.com/showthread.php?t=27508
No one is gonna update us... It is a trick
Imdb says first tweet re film = really bad
Soooooooooo
The silence makes me think I'm the only real person here.
Did I buy into another Tucker game? Just he and his posse fanning flames and playing characters.
Am I the only person here who wasn't in on the joke?
^^^ I'm here, too. Or am I you?
One tweet:
"The tucker max movie was really bad. Which pisses me off because i love the book. Buying 17 again as a palet cleanser"
Also, has there really been not a single comment on that movie discussion thread, or has Tucker been dropping the ban hammer particularly fast today?
Guys. Don't you get it? The film is so revolutionary that they are still partying hardcore with TM and the gang.
It is only 11 in Portland or so... Give it another three hours and the dozens of attendees will drunk tweet and post until our hearts are content.
PS. Seriously, tucker's friends, keep an eye on him for signs of depression/psychosis.this could be his break.
Can someone here do me a favor and go to one of screenings and ask Tucker and Nils why neither of them mentioned on their 100% true movie blog that Tucker was kicked off his own movie? I would do it myself except I live in Louisiana--you know that place where the movie was shot--and for some reason Tucker didn't think that any city in my state was worthy of a premiere screening. After all, what's the point of having a premiere in Shreveport anyway? It's not like all the residents didn't already see the entire movie as it was being filmed last summer. And who in New Orleans cares about drinking and screwing, right? The crew don't need swag bags. They already got a t-shirt. But more to the point, everyone on this blog seems to be picking apart all of Tucker's stories in his book which obviously contain fabrications, and ignoring the giant elephant in the corner. Maybe Tucker drove his car into the side of a Starbucks and not inside a donut store. Maybe he lied about the type of store and the amount of damage to evade law enforcement. Whatever. He exaggerated. His stories are all obviously fish tales, which are always embellished for humor and effect, regardless of who tells them. So shoot him. What he needs to be nailed on is his humorless movie blog that claims to be a window into the elitist world of Hollywood for the everyman and a do-it-yourself manual for aspiring independent filmmakers everywhere.
Tucker Max was kicked off his own movie. I know this for a fact because a very good friend of mine worked on the film and got a front row view of Tucker's stupidity. Which was huge. The first week went okay. Tucker had a party at his "party house" which was a clue that he is a huge tool--who over 20 wants a party house? (Tucker is in his mid-30's. He's also that guy who counts his drinks). Loser. Everyone thought he was douchey but no more so than anyone else they'd dealt with from Hollywood. Week two was a nightmare. In addition to constantly getting in the way of the director, the DP, the Teamsters, pretty much anyone who knew what they were doing, Tucker was also personally horrible to a number of cast and crew. The actresses all thought he was a creep. He was so openly hateful of women that even the guys on the crew were uncomfortable. He was finally banned from the set by one of the other producers (not Sean McKittrick). The only reason it took so long to give Tucker the boot is that Sean McKittrick and Bob Gosse the director are very patient people. Someone like Oliver Stone would have banned him from the set after day one. If you doubt what I'm saying just look at his blog. He writes very detailed entries about hiring strippers and casting and pre-production. After that...nothing. He can say he was busy working on the movie. But he wasn't. Busy people don't have time to film their buttboy assistants choking each other out. Oh, and what he did write about? Bullshit. Tucker had a tantrum and screamed at the script supervisor (a woman). Her crime? Doing her job by telling Tucker that his way of shooting the scene (as opposed to the director's way) would result in footage that couldn't be cut together. But does he write about this fight? Does he explain what continuity is and why it's important to his fans? No. He does write a long ass-kissing entry about how the crew should be treated with respect though. What a hypocrite. By week three Tucker was a total pariah, alone in his party house while everyone else went home to their families or went out without him.
It's obvious that Tucker is mentally ill and his lying is probably symptomatic of that. But what is Nils' excuse for not telling the truth? Why lie? Even if they wrote the entire truth of what happened on set, people would have still visited the movie blog. Hell, it would have probably gotten even more press and traffic because what they did write is boring. How has lying benefited them or this movie? If Tucker wants people to believe that his stories are true, he needs to tell the bad with the good.
First review on blog.
Gold.
Wow.
Ladies and gents... Tuckermaxfail.
Poor lighting poor sound shitty jokes confusing characters
The funniest thing the kid mentioned HAPPENED IN THE BATHROOM AFTER THE MOVIE.
Ok, I've seen the movie. I liked it. I think I might have liked it more if I hadn't read the book first and the production blog and had sky high expectations going in. This won't be an issue for most viewers.
This is a different type of comedy. I don't know if it will change the industry, but it certainly doesn't fit the existing mold.
- It doesn't require the suspension of disbelief like most comedies. But the flip side of that coin is that in certain ways it seems a little tame and pedestrian exactly because it is so plausible, and we're all used to seeing Mike Tyson punch someone for stealing his Tiger.
- The characters are not one dimensional, which is uncommon, particularly for a comedy. I liked it, but some people who can't handle non-caricature characters might be confused (e.g. "wait, is the fiance a controlling bitch, or is she cool"). Not that this was written for the lower common denominator.
- I know you said McDonald's wouldn't let you use the McGriddles name, and Nils so eloquently explained why, but it really took me out of the scene calling out that this was a made up product name, which made the rant feel disingenuous, even though in reality it was nearly word-for-word accurate.
- I need to watch it again to catch all the lines. There were some that I just couldn't make out. I don't know if it was the sound mix, the theater, or the drunk idiots behind me.
- Some of the scenes were very dark. I know Tucker said he didn't want to over light it like most movies, and I can understand that, but some shots were so dark I could barely tell what was on screen. In particular, when we first see Drew and it cuts to his face in the shadows, I thought the projector had cut out for a second.
- I was totally expecting to see more titties.
- If the ratio of good to lame questions for the Q/A sessions doesn't improve, this is going to be a very long tour. I suggest you retaliate by blowing ass throughout the entire Q/A session. Oh, wait...
- Right after the movie finished, there was unsurprisingly a line for the men's room. A couple of geniuses in line thought to ask themselves WWTD and decided to piss in the sink. What they didn't realize is the mirrors at that bathroom have some panels that are just glass (not mirror) that allow you to see who's washing their hands in the women's room, and they can see you. They jumped pretty good when the girl's washing their hands made eye contact.
- Oh, and the bag of free shit was awesome. There was a ton of good stuff in there. Thanks.
I feel bad for Tucker that it is this awful. I mean, I knew it world be bad... But damn.
He's just going to blame the sound guys and light guys and mcdonalds until he has no one left to blame and he is alone.
No joke... He needs help and support or he could suicide when his delusions bust.
Wow. I'm so disappointed. The lack of posts here on a night when we know tuck and his cronies were all occupied me think that no one was ever really posting but them. So sad. I feel dumb for buying into it.
"- Right after the movie finished, there was unsurprisingly a line for the men's room. A couple of geniuses in line thought to ask themselves WWTD and decided to piss in the sink. What they didn't realize is the mirrors at that bathroom have some panels that are just glass (not mirror) that allow you to see who's washing their hands in the women's room, and they can see you. They jumped pretty good when the girl's washing their hands made eye contact."
Now that would be a good story. Though I've never been in such a bathroom.
"Perhaps this was done to have the intelligent posters such as Generic User and PMC slowly disband with legit criticisms."
He's spamming the board and it's getting really fucking annoying.
REVOLUTIONARY!!!!
The buzz has arrived at less than light speed. The only comment I've found on the premier was a two liner in a blog. It didn't even talk about the movie.
Blog activity fail.
Not much to write about. Tucker is playing to audiences in tiny theaters, most of whom don't blog. What is interesting is that total lack of press coverage. Even dedicated haterz like myself thought he'd get a mention from The Oregonian. It's so quiet, you could hear a fish fart.
if no one talks about a douche-tastic movie full of bullshit, was it ever really made, douchetributed, or watched?
tucker max fail!
Another review from the 'tour' is in, from someone called Mark Platt over at IMDB,
"It isn’t even pirate worthy"
"I saw the American Pie direct to DVD Band Camp movie, and that was better. This was the Battlefield Earth of comedy."
LOLZ
Part 1 Deconstructing Tucker's First Favorable Review:
The silence is deafening. The lack of real press, google hits, or twitter buzz says it all. If he is going to succeed solely on word of mouth, what happens if there is no WOM at all? Even the "positive" reviews on his movie blog are not exactly raves:
"Ok, I've seen the movie. I liked it.'
Not, I loved it. No --it blew the Hangover away. Not, the best comedy of the year, decade, etc.
"I think I might have liked it more if I hadn't read the book first and the production blog and had sky high expectations going in."
In other words, it didn't live up to your hype, Tucker.
"This won't be an issue for most viewers."
Well, yes, because most viewers won't be seeing this movie unless they've read the book or the blog because it has no P & A. So, most "viewers" will be watching College or NFL football in late September/October so they won't have any feelings about it whatsoever. They will have the same issue with this movie as any random Bollywood production that they won't be viewing.
"This is a different type of comedy.'
Because its not funny. Most comedies are funny so this one is different.
"I don't know if it will change the industry, but it certainly doesn't fit the existing mold."
The existing mold is that you go to a comedy expecting to be entertained and laugh. This one is different. As I explain below, in this movie you have to struggle even to see what is happening because it is filmed so poorly. I'm not sure the "industry" is going to start employing holocaust documentary directors to make comedies.
"- It doesn't require the suspension of disbelief like most comedies. But the flip side of that coin is that in certain ways it seems a little tame and pedestrian exactly because it is so plausible, and we're all used to seeing Mike Tyson punch someone for stealing his Tiger."
In other words, after watching The Hangover, which was hysterical, I'm not sure what to think about this movie. When I say "tame and pedestrian" that is really a nice way of saying that your movie is boring. It's plausible because most college road trips in actuality were long periods of boredom with buddies that thought they were saying something interesting, and everybody trying real hard to have this wild and crazy time that just doesn't meet expectations. In other words, it was a lot like that trip I took over spring break to Cancun in college where me and all my bros were trying so hard to have fun, but most of it was just spent being sloppy drunk, nursing sunburns and hangovers, and trying to score with the same chicks that blew us off back at school. And our road trip to Vegas to celebrate my buds bachelor party just involved getting drunk with the same guys I've been getting drunk with for the past ten years, a few lap dances at the strip club, and then losing $100 bucks at Blackjack--it wasn't anything like the Hangover.
"I'm not sure the "industry" is going to start employing holocaust documentary directors to make comedies."
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Awesome. TDG, don't ever leave us.
"This was the Battlefield Earth of comedy."
Good line.
$10 says that if/when this movie bombs tucker wipes out the rmmb and blames it on an accident. That way nobody can bring up his overhyping bullshit as easily.
any part TWO FOR THIS?
Wow. Tucker got Traci Lords to interview him online. Good move. Haven't watched yet, but I have some transcripts. Is this real?
TRACI LORDS "I'm here with Tucker Max (sounds of plates dropping in background) which opens in (chainsaw noises) to say the very least (a pallet of bowling balls is dropped three feet away)
TUCKER MAX "Yeah, basically, and shit. The book is (a case of hammers is thrown at the wall) and the best part, for me at least is (a mechanic uses a drill to remove four screws)
T.L. "Back up a second. How did you get fired by your (glass shatters) that sounds interesting."
T.M. "Well I handle life the way you handled Peter North's penis in (a mariachi band starts playing) I put it in my ass twice and then though ' oh shit, why don't I just (a jack hammer breaks up a sidewalk) 'cause I'm not that kind of guy. I win. At everything."
T.L. "How important is press and marketing regarding the (an air raid siren goes off) because you only get one shot at these things."
T.M. "Totally. When I fucking wrote the script I knew two things. One, this was (a car crashes through the wall five feet away) and two, I was going to buy a jet with (more chainsaw noises)
T.L. "I noticed that the sound level and picture quality in your college speech was crappy. Did you take any steps to improve the (a muslim cleric gives a speech on a nearby radio)
T.M. "We've been planning this shit out for a year. The last thing we're going to do is (a set of bleachers from the Rose Bowl parade tips over. Slowly)
Like every Tucker production he has all the important stuff covered including AUDIO issues.
http://www.justin.tv/clip/8d31d19346b051ec
Forget the bad reviews from nobodies for a second. I think it's even more significant that there was no one there noteworthy enough to give ANY kind of review that would start some chatter.
People have complained that scenes in the film were dark. Not dark as in evil and twisted, but rather dark as in 'I can't fucking see the actors!'
Tucker explains this on his blog:
"To the Portland people:
Part of the issue with darkness is that we played the movie off a DVD for the Portland screening, and so many of the scenes are darker than they should be. That is true, but won't be a problem for any other screening because the rest are off 35mm."
WAIT ONE SECOND!!!
If Tucker said this: "To the Portland people:
Part of the issue with darkness is that we played the movie off a DVD for the Portland screening, and so many of the scenes are darker than they should be. That is true, but won't be a problem for any other screening because the rest are off 35mm."
AND the location wasn't even a real theater but rather a private rental location named (get ready for this one) ..named The Living Room Theatre
Recap. Film's premiere was straight to dvd in a living room. 100% based on facts and his own words.
Part 2—
“ - The characters are not one dimensional, which is uncommon, particularly for a comedy. “
Conventional projection equipment can only show 2 dimensions, i.e. width and height. I’m not sure that any film could show a character in one dimension, would you show only width or height? I would be willing to bet that there is no comedy ever released that showed only one dimension—even a stick figure comedy would have to show 2 dimensions. Southpark is in two dimensions. Is Tucker’s movie in 3-D because that would be fairly unusual?
“I liked it,’
Talk about damning with faint praise. In order to go back to a time when “like” was high praise, you have to go back to Mikey from the old Life cereal commercials. Remember, Mikey hated everything, but he liked Life cereal. Unfortunately, Mikey died from eating pop rocks and sprite. Since Mikey’s untimely demise, “like” has generally been considered a very lukewarm compliment. I mean here is what is touted as an industry changing movie and the best this guy can offer is two “likes.”
“but some people who can't handle non-caricature characters might be confused (e.g. "wait, is the fiance a controlling bitch, or is she cool").”
That’s me. I totally can’t handle non-caricature characters. Who can? After so many comedies where they use typecast characters like “the clueless fat girl,” “the smart stripper, “ “the cuckolded angry male,” “the hen-pecked fiancé,” “small town cops,” “poor Mexicans,” who can handle the truth? I just can’t handle the truth.
“Not that this was written for the lower common denominator.”
No actually, the whole McGriddle dialogue was written for nuclear physicists.
Part 3--
“- I know you said McDonald's wouldn't let you use the McGriddles name, and Nils so eloquently explained why, but it really took me out of the scene calling out that this was a made up product name, which made the rant feel disingenuous, even though in reality it was nearly word-for-word accurate.”
Yeah, it’s like in Coming to America where they had that McDowell”s restaurant. I could never get past that incongruous name to enjoy the jokes. It ruined the whole movie for me. I mean how do you rant against the McGriddle if you can’t call it a McGriddle. There’s no way that the lowest common denominator is going to get this rant.
“- I need to watch it again to catch all the lines.”
Because the Magic Johnson joke just gets better and better with each re-telling. And if I heard the “Don’t taze me bro” joke again, then my life would be totally complete. Its subtle humor that you really have to be all there to catch.
“ There were some that I just couldn't make out. I don't know if it was the sound mix,”
Ok so the sound and the lighting suck?
“ the theater,”
What, this movie wasn’t playing in a theater with the latest Dolby surround sound?
“or the drunk idiots behind me.”
Tucker’s fans are drunk idiots? Aren’t you portraying them as a bit of a caricature there? This movie wasn’t written for the lowest common denominator so my guess is that those drunk idiots missed all those lines that you “liked.”
“- Some of the scenes were very dark. “
Almost like it was directed by someone famous for directing Holocaust documentaries.
“I know Tucker said he didn't want to over light it like most movies, and I can understand that, but some shots were so dark I could barely tell what was on screen.”
Ok, so both the sound and the lighting sucked? I can tell you that this dark stuff is very effective for Holocaust movies. I mean Spielberg filmed his holocaust movie in black and white, which is what Gosse was trying to do here. Woody Allen filmed some of his early comedies in black and white—same idea. Plus, when we screen this in some of the bigger cities, we had to rent such crappy theaters that they can only project in black and white.
part 4--
“In particular, when we first see Drew and it cuts to his face in the shadows, I thought the projector had cut out for a second.”
I’m sorry, is this a positive or negative review? Is this a nice way of saying, “it looks like something a NYU flunky would have shot for his mid-term?”
“- I was totally expecting to see more titties.”
Right on brosephine. Because I haven’t discovered all the free hard core porn on the internet, so like some teen circa 1975, exposed only to playboy and 8mm smokers, I need to see a little tit in my movies, or it just bums me out. Someday, I might even see them in real life.
“- If the ratio of good to lame questions for the Q/A sessions doesn't improve, this is going to be a very long tour.”
OK, not much respect for the typical Tucker fan huh. I would think that these guys would be asking the real profound stuff of life, like “Tucker, whatever happened to the buttseth tape?”
“ I suggest you retaliate by blowing ass throughout the entire Q/A session. Oh, wait...”
But then, he might blow out a wet one, which will cause Nils to puke and then everybody in the theater will start puking; and then someone will fall out of the closet and start puking from the shit smell and puke—hilarity will not ensue!
“- Right after the movie finished, there was unsurprisingly a line for the men's room. “
Particularly since this theater was so small and inconsequential that we actually all had to share a single commode attached to the janitor’s closet.
“A couple of geniuses in line thought to ask themselves WWTD and decided to piss in the sink.’
Man, it really sucks when life imitates art. I would have thought that the average Tucker fan would be above that. Sounds like the lowest common denominator was present in full force.
“What they didn't realize is the mirrors at that bathroom have some panels that are just glass (not mirror) that allow you to see who's washing their hands in the women's room, and they can see you. ‘
I hate it when people put down Tucker’s fans. It’s like people think that just because you like cool stories about banging girls and getting drunk, you don’t know the difference between a window and a mirror. I mean, if I’m a guy and I see a girl’s face in the mirror, how am I to know that it is not my own reflection.
“They jumped pretty good when the girl's washing their hands made eye contact.”
Fortunately, the average Tucker fan’s dick is so small that the girl washing her hands didn’t jump, but only laughed
“- Oh, and the bag of free shit was awesome. There was a ton of good stuff in there. Thanks.’
Yeah, you can’t have too many shot glasses. I’m still wondering why they had the name of some holocaust documentary on them?
dude the mikey reference from the "life" commercials was awesome
funniest person on the internet, TDG
“- Some of the scenes were very dark. “
Almost like it was directed by someone famous for directing Holocaust documentaries.
LOL
Great line, TDG.
^^^^^
That's actually not me. I'm not that funny.
Nice job whomever wrote it.
- TDG
^^^^^
"That's actually not me. I'm not that funny.
Nice job whomever wrote it.
- TDG"
It was me. Between the outings and the trolls, its been tough on this board lately so I thought I'd do my part in the thoughtful Tucker hate.
PMC
But you have to deconstruct Tucker's post-Portland post. It's just like a huge hanging softball waiting to be hit out of the park.
From Tucker's Blog-Deconstructed:
"The bartender had no problem with that whole scene, but as soon as I stuck a finger in this one girl’s vagina, he got all butthurt and threw us out. WTF?"
Exactly. Because any normal bar owner who had thousands wrapped up in a liquor license would gladly give it up for the privilege of having tucker finger some skank in his establishment.
"What kind of crowd are you looking for buddy? He’s he MPAA of bars–violence is fine, but the first hint of sex gets you tossed.'
My guess is that the bar owner would chose "none of the above." He doesn't want idiots choking each other or fingering skanks in his bar.
"-We were in the minivan driving back to the hotel,"
Nothing but first class for this here tour. "real tomato ketchup, eddie?" Was that a real minivan-- I mean Rudius limo didn't just bring the stretch hummer to pick you swell folks up.
"and the girl with me was laughing about the fact that she was going to some random hotel:'
Particularly when she heard this band of cool was staying at the Budget Lodge near the Portland Airport. Girls always laugh out loud when they here a "rich internet playboy" is going budget.
"Her “We’re going to your hotel room? I don’t know about that.”
Me “Don’t worry about it, I’ll be a really shallow grave, you can dig yourself out of it. No problem.”
Nils “Tucker, a gentleman would wrap her in plastic first.”
OK, if this is the same girl he was fingering in the bar, she now is above a hotel room?
"-Oh boy…the girl I hooked up with was very…interesting. She insisted on telling everyone that she was the “female Tucker Max.”
That would be a big attraction for me. Every guy wants to sleep with a self-proclaimed asshole slut. How is it different from a chick telling you, "hey, I'm a crack whore and I suck dicks under the overpass for five bucks."
"That’s always fun."
Sure, you're boldly going where no man has gone before there, tucker.
"Then we found out she has her own radio show,"
Well, not exactly, . . . but she did do the PA announcements at the last rehab she went to.
"and has fucked Ryan Seacrest,"
Personally, I like the full 6 degrees of separation between my sex partners and Ryan Seacrest, but hey, another thing that separates me from Tucker. Raise your hand if you want to be the guy that follows Tucker and Ryan Seacrest into the female Tucker Max.
"which is weird on so many levels.'
You think. You're riding in a minivan with a big fat married guy and a crack whore--who isn't even looking for crack-- to a budget motel--and she tells you that her past sex partners include likely bisexual men -- and your reaction is "where do I sign,"
The only thing worse would be:
Her: I starred in a Tijuana Donkey Show for the past few years, and when I wasn't letting a donkey bang away 5 times a day, I was fucking Ryan Seacrest
Tucker: great, come on in my minivan and I'll take you back to the Budget Lodge for a little in and out. Nils, spread a cheek and move on over.
'During sex (yes, I followed Ryan Seacrest, I am ashamed too),'
Ryan Seacrest bothers me, not the 1000 other guys in Portland and the Tijuana Donkey that she was banging before me.
"she was like a fucking air traffic controller:"
This is strange. Katy Johnson said that Tucker was the best ever. And now, he needs instructions in how to bang a skank? Maybe she really was saying, is it in yet. Remember Tucker, I've had donkeys and Ryan Seacrest, your dick isn't going to cut it.
"Tucker “Hey Leonard Bernstein, if you want conduct, stand in front of an orchestra. If you want to fuck, relax and let’s fuck.”
Because that's how a real man responds to his own sexual inadequacy.
Have to finish tomorrow.
"You think. You're riding in a minivan with a big fat married guy and a crack whore--who isn't even looking for crack-- to a budget motel--and she tells you that her past sex partners include likely bisexual men -- and your reaction is "where do I sign,"
HAHAHAHHA
Particularly when she heard this band of cool was staying at the Budget Lodge near the Portland Airport. Girls always laugh out loud when they here a "rich internet playboy" is going budget.
"rich internet playboy"
Priceless
“- If the ratio of good to lame questions for the Q/A sessions doesn't improve, this is going to be a very long tour.”
OK, not much respect for the typical Tucker fan huh. I would think that these guys would be asking the real profound stuff of life, like “Tucker, whatever happened to the buttseth tape?”
__________________________________
This is actually a really good point. Tucker believes his 'art' (sorry, AIDS-infected infant) is legitimately great because he has lots of fans- because it gives a voice to a subculture... but it's painfully obvious that this subculture is stupid, immature, etc., and the evidence of this is in who turns out for Tucker's Q&As, book signings, campus speeches, who calls into his radio shows, etc... it's painfully obvious that Tuck hates his fans, and I think the reason this is so is because in his mind, they don't represent his vision of the ideal fan: some overachiever of above-average intelligence who has their life together and is in some way an ideal specimen of this generation, yet who also likes what Tucker has to offer. Unfortunately for him, this fan doesn't exist, because Tucker's 'work' is shallow, one-dimensional, and void of any actual substance or meaning.
However, Tucker, being a narcissist, can't see this- he thinks everything he does is great just because it elicits a reaction. He's much like a child in this respect: he can't distinguish between good and bad attention. It's all good because it's all attention to him, and as a damaged human being, he has an insatiable appetite for attention.
Guess what.
"45 days out: Portland was awesome!"
How would have thought that was going to happen.
Tonight premiere starts in exactly four hours. From what I understand if went fucking awesome and everyone loved the movie. People were laughing the whole time. You'll see what I'm talking about in four hours. Tonight's screening went great. In fact we killed.
You'll see.
That "lifeofseananthony" character on IMDB is obviously a Tucker sock puppet.
Oh look. Fanboys are reciting lines from the movie which were also in the "fake" script.
"You think. You're riding in a minivan with a big fat married guy and a crack whore--who isn't even looking for crack-- to a budget motel--and she tells you that her past sex partners include likely bisexual men -- and your reaction is "where do I sign,"
The only thing worse would be:
Her: I starred in a Tijuana Donkey Show for the past few years, and when I wasn't letting a donkey bang away 5 times a day, I was fucking Ryan Seacrest
Tucker: great, come on in my minivan and I'll take you back to the Budget Lodge for a little in and out. Nils, spread a cheek and move on over."
Hahahahahaha. So good.
Wow. Read Nil's latest twitters, he really is becoming a total tucker wanna-be and less of a groupie cock sucker. nice work homo.
http://nilsparkerisadouchebag.blogspot.com/
Why is it that tucker finds it hilarious to drop cultural references from 15 year-old tv shows? Maybe because he spends all day monitoring his facebook page for nasty comments and watching syndicated tv.
There is no mention of Tucker's screening in any of the Seattle area publications. Nothing in The Stranger, nothing in The Weekly, nothing in The Times, nothing in (what is left of) The Post-Intelligencer. I asked a few random hip-looking dudes who came into my cafe today if they were going to the Tucker Max movie. They looked at me like I'd called their mother a filthy strumpet.
And, oh yeah, class is NOT IN SESSION for the University of Washington. That's around 25,000 of Tucker's target audience that are simply not here to see his totally awesome and completely revolutionary (tm 2009, Tucker Max) movie bus tour swag bag event drunkathon.
Nicely done, Tucker. Everything is going according to your master plan.
The NYT has a new article about indie movies and the DIY route:
http://tinyurl.com/peb9t5
Tucker's paradigm-changing, revolutionary movie didn't even get mentioned.
when is this screening coming to Seattle? I live here and have not paid attention to this idiot in years.
anyone point me to the screener page?
Tucker plays the groom's brother.
The leaked script is mostly real.
The cinematography is questionable.
The music sucked.
That last post basically says "Seattle, get your pussies ready"...except they are ready...for Tucker to leave town forever.
"it's painfully obvious that Tuck hates his fans, and I think the reason this is so is because in his mind, they don't represent his vision of the ideal fan: some overachiever of above-average intelligence who has their life together and is in some way an ideal specimen of this generation, yet who also likes what Tucker has to offer."
Hell yeah - this comment just caused a lightbulb moment - its so goddam true. I couldn't figure out why Tucker was so dismissive of his fans and had so much contempt for them when he must have realised that it was these same idiots that basically made him what he is today (insert denigrating joke here). But this explains it all - he thinks hes too good for the same people who will laugh at his fat girl jokes! He actually cannot rationalise that his humour appeals to idiots = his fans are idiots = his "art" is at idiot level.
^^^ dude, you're right. i never thought of it like that before, but maybe thats one of the reasons people hate tucker so much. he acts like his stuff is this really deep metaphysical stuff or whatever, but the only people who like it are idiots- tucker surrounds himself with a few yesmen who are like faux-intellectuals, and he sells a lot of books, and thinks hes the spokesmen for a generation or some shit.
what a raging fucktard. tucker is a douchebag to the MAXX.
Foshizzle.
I like Tucker because he makes my mistakes look trivial in comparison. I might be a maladjusted douche who sucks at relationships, has an inflated self esteem, and major fail compared to my peers but damnit, I'm more stable than Tucker Max.
nils?
Part 2.
Tucker “Hey Leonard Bernstein, if you want to conduct, stand in front of an orchestra. If you want to fuck, relax and let’s fuck.”
Now Tucker's true fantasy. The skank metamorphizes into an elderly male. "Daddy, pay attention to me! Daddy Max, I promise that I won't tell mom you're banging the cocktail waitress anymore
"I finish,"
Tucker: I'm finished, how was it for you?
Her: Really,I didn't know that you even got inside me, and why did you call me Daddy Max?
"and she’s all fired up:"
She was really pissed and fired up when she heard the noise from the closet. Is that Nils hiding in the closet masturbating? That's nice, it looks like you both finished the same way, quickly and into your hand.
"Her “That’s it? Is there more?”
Yeah, how come Nils doesn't have a camcorder. Oh,he does. [Her Reviewing film in viewer] Her: How come this tape just shows film of you and Nils dancing in front of the mirror in your underwear?
"Tucker “Homer sleep now.”
Nils and I do this every night. We release into our hands and then get that nice sleepy feeling. Do me a favor and lay Nils' Barney pajamas out on the bed for him and make sure that he puts on a pull-up so he doesn't wet our bed.
"Her “Eh. No! I didn’t even cum!"
Now, this I totally believe.
Tucker: sorry, but the police busted in to interupt me before you could cum.
Her: No, Tucker, that was the deaf girl in your movie. The only one who busted in was when Nils fell out of the closet.
Tucker: Well. Nils came. What's your problem.
"Why don’t you fuck me more?”
O me so horny. . . Tucker is going back to the master now, . . . Kubrick. See, how Tucker pokes fun at fat girls, asians, and skanks, . . all in one subtle line. The Tucker Max trifecta. Mark my words, 2Live Cru and Paul Wall will be rapping: "Why don't you fuck me more" and it will be like a Where's the Beef catch phrase of the new millenium.
Tucker “Because I’m done.”
Nils had me at the fist shuffle I heard in the closet.
Her “What about me?!?!!?”
Where's the beef?
Tucker “You aren’t very familiar with me, are you?”
I'm no Ryan Seacrest sweetie!
"She prattled on for another few minutes,"
Her:Nils, can you at least let me get out of the bed before you jump in with Tucker?
Her:Nils, why are you wiping Tucker's hands off with a tissue and then smelling it?
Part 3-
"I didn’t really pay attention,"
Because now Nils was spooning me and I could smell the blue cheese on his breath from the hot wings he was eating at the bar earlier and it was really turning me on.
"until these gems popped up:"
Here's where she tells Tucker how awesome he is. . . despite the fact that he couldn't deliver the goods in bed, . . . just wait
"Her “But you are an inspiration to me. Your book and your life have inspired me to write."
After I read you web page, I was inspired to take an emotional journey like Che, I wandered Mexico and Latin America, but I added the twist of appearing in donkey shows. . . like you, I rode around in mini vans from show to show with big fat disgusting married men that smelled like chicken.
"I am the female"
Her: Tucker, really I am female. This small cock and balls I am sporting is really a big cameltoe. really, just give me a second to tuck it back and you really won't notice it.
"You need to fuck me more.”
Her: Nils alreasy finished and he didn't even tuck his junk back. Why are you spooning him now?
"Tucker “Is this a joke? Are you doing a bit for a prank show?”
Tucker: you don't have a camera do you because the frat guys would really be bumming if they new I was into trannies.
"Her “No! Don’t you have any heroes?"
Tucker: What is it about narcisist that you don't understand. I am my own hero. Wait a minute and Nils and I will tie the towels around like capes and jump on the beds in our underwear, then you'll see who here's the hero.
"Well, I just fucked mine, and it sucked!"
Again, this is the truest line Tucker ever typed. From Katy Johnson to "you suck." Tucker's really grown the past 10 years, he needs to add this to his college "living the dream speech.'
"I expected you to give me the best sex of my life!!"
But instead, you finished in your hand while listening to Nils moan in the closet.
"For us to connect and talk about writing and life!”
I mean, when you were fingering me in the bar in front of all those people and calling me a skank whore, I thought that we had a connection.
"Tucker “What the hell are you talking about?”
Tucker: I haven't written anything. I stole my college roomates diary and have been living off his stuff for the past ten years. Why do you think I pal around with Nils, he has made up all the new stuff.
"Her “Are you at least going to wake up and fuck me more to make up for it?”
Her: I mean Pepe the wonder donkey was good for 5 shows a day.
"Tucker “No, probably not.”
I'm no Pepe, or even a Ryan Seacrest.
"Her “What about later?”
Tucker: Nils and I are going to put some quarters in this 1000 finger massage and watch some gay porn, but you're free to stick around, so long as you don't take anything from the minibar, because the tour doesn't cover that. And don't take the TV remote because we had to give the guy $50 for a deposit since this is such a low class place.
"Tucker “I think I only had this half-assed one in me."
What did you expect, i'm no ryan Seacrest.
"At least for you. I guess we didn’t connect.”
Me and Nils are kinda special.
http://twitter.com/NilsAParker/status/3260282783
http://mypict.me/show.php?id=kbMJ
Is this the 'feMALE' that tugger prematurely ejaculated onto at the portland screening?
So I guess they don't get the tour bus until Atlanta? Maybe they're waiting for Stryper or Emo Philips to return the bus first? Seems they rented a mini-van for the first leg of the 'Millionaire Playbois Of The Internet' tour.
Can't believe there are dates that are not sold out. We're talking a couple hundred $10 seats in cities HE picked based on demand and target demos. He only promoted this for a YEAR in advance. Of course he'll be standing outside The GAP and MAC stores handing out tickets the day of the show in each city.
Things that are popular in the real world sell out in hours if not minutes. Bon Jovi, U2, Sting, Pearl Jam, Phish, etc can sell out 90,000 seats at $150 a pop in under an hour. Hell, even Artie Lange sold 5000 seats in a few hours.
None of this would even be an issue if the guy hadn't made such boastful claims. He said he's going to beat The Hangover at the box office. Not just beat it, but EASILY!!! fyi Hangover numbers as of today, Worldwide: $387,499,044
BIH tally to date? $7,000 (less of course theater rentals, travel, meals, insurance, hotels, swag bags, security, staff, pr costs, and half a dozen out of pocket expenses)
Way to change Hollywood!
"Is this the 'feMALE' that tugger prematurely ejaculated onto at the portland screening?"
He just looks like such a douche.
What the fuck is with the grey shirts ? Ugly Douche.
And women fuck this guy ? Really ?
"Is this the 'feMALE' that tugger prematurely ejaculated onto at the portland screening?"
He just looks like such a douche.
-----------
Fuck her. Anyone who worships Tucker Max deserves everything they get.
What none of you losers understand is that this has never been about the money. Never. Not once.
If it were about the money Tucker and Nils could have walked away with a few million each from the offers the studios had made for the script alone. Millions that no agent, manager or lawyer would have seen a commision from.
Instead they did something different. Its called integrity.
"What none of you losers understand is that this has never been about the money. Never. Not once."
If this was true, they'd be releasing the movie as a free torrent; they aren't.
"Tucker and Nils could have walked away with a few million each from the offers the studios had made for the script alone."
This unsubstantiated claim about tuggers 'art' (LOL) gets bandied about frequently amongst his fan bois; prove it, fuckwit.
As somewhat of a third party insider to the mess that is this bus tour let me share a few facts:
The tour was predicated on a few things. At the top of that list was money. Tucker pitched the backers a scenario that featured him playing to 50 cities in a row at $30 a head with a minimum audience of 500 per night. That works out to about $750,000
The project was greenlit as it made fiscal sense. Then a few variable changed. Slightly.
50 cities droped to nearly 30. (-40%)
Ticket prices fell from 30 to 10 (-66%)
potential audience fell from 25,000 to 9,000 (-64%)
But one variable did not change: The cost of the tour.
You see it costs relatively the same to show the movie to 20 people as it does to 2000 people. The gift bag being the trade off cost stabilizer. Everything else; the hotel rooms, meals and per diem for Tucker, Nils, Dawes and their support staff is a fixed cost regardless of audience size.
Most b-level bands try to squeeze in as many gigs into a tour as possible. It will take the first four gigs of a 10-day/10-gig tour just to pay for the bus.
I could bore you with more numbers but I think you see where this is going. In closing, I guess it really ISN'T about the money after all.
"What none of you losers understand is that this has never been about the money. Never. Not once.'
There is an old saying that the more somebody says something was never about the money, the more that it actually always was about the money.
"If it were about the money Tucker and Nils could have walked away with a few million each from the offers the studios had made for the script alone.'
Ok, fanboy. State me the name of any individual person from any specific studio that ever offered Tucker one nickel for his script. Hollywood is a small town, my friend, and scripts get shopped. We have a pretty good idea of what was offered for what. From what I have heard, from multiple sources, was that NO OFFER was ever made to Tucker for his script. He got a few courtesy meetings with very low level assistants, and, according to multiple sources, Tucker made gave a very disjointed presentation about his "project." Again, because he had no agent, there was very little that could be described in the way as formal offers or counteroffers because it wasn't entirely clear what Tucker was really trying to sell, i.e. a script, his franchise, or what role he really wanted or thought he was qualified for. IOW, Tucker walked into meetings with low level assistants--without an agent-- and say, "I have this great script and I want complete creative control over my movie," followed by his story about how known commodities had screwed him over in the TV side-- and the silence on the studio side was deafening. Now, if Tucker is as clueless as everyone said he was during these conversations, then I could see how he could think he was offered something-- since he was throwing out numbers and demands, which he would them reject unilaterally. The way it was frequently described by the assistants who met with Tucker was: Some guy came in and rejected an offer on a script (or movie) that we never made. IOW, "It sounds interesting, we'll get back to you Tucker" is not an offer. That is the standard industry "kiss off." It was comical and, again, because it is unusual that he had no agent, it was a fairly common joke told among the assistants who had the "fortunate" experience of meeting with him. This is the first time I ever had a script writer reject an offer for a script that we didn't want to buy in the first place.
Darko is not a major studio and I guarantee that everybody there regrets the day they sat down and thought that Tucker had learned his lesson from Jamie, and would keep his extravagant ego in line. Even their proposal was not a million dollar proposal for the script, no less multi-million.
If you have information to the contrary, pray tell. Who are the big wigs that made Tucker an offer. name any one of them? .
Millions that no agent, manager or lawyer would have seen a commision from.
Well, since Tucker didn't deal with an agent, he certainly should know the names of all these folks that offered millions for his script. Who are they.
Exactly.
"Instead they did something different. Its called integrity."
No, as Janis Joplin sang: "Freedom's just another word for nothing else to lose." Running out of options because you've acted like a tool and have a crappy script--is not integrity
I haven't heard it yet. Tucker on Seattle radio. You have to sit through 20 minutes of wacky DJs first.
http://kisw.radiotown.com/bjdaily/08-09/bjpodcast08-13-7A.mp3
It's amazing, that even though they make up a very small portion of the population, we just happen to have on this obscure blog a whole bunch of certified Hollywood insiders that are so in-the-know about the details of this specific project, that they are willing to write at length about it, here on blogspot. Seems reasonable.
Some of You Have Been Here For YEARS.
"It's amazing, that even though they make up a very small portion of the population, we just happen to have on this obscure blog a whole bunch of certified Hollywood insiders that are so in-the-know about the details of this specific project, that they are willing to write at length about it, here on blogspot. Seems reasonable.
Some of You Have Been Here For YEARS"
Lots of people work lower level jobs related to Hollywood. Sometimes from all over the country.
And since Tucker was dealing with lower level interviews, who do you expect to hear about it?
Maybe they heard or saw his antics and did a search on him?
Entirely possible.
11:37,
Are you the same fucking moron that tries to claim otto
'isn't in it for the money'
Or are you a different one?
Unlike IHTSBIH, maybe this site is a good example of positive word of mouth?
Haha
"It's amazing, that even though they make up a very small portion of the population, we just happen to have on this obscure blog a whole bunch of certified Hollywood insiders that are so in-the-know about the details of this specific project, that they are willing to write at length about it, here on blogspot. Seems reasonable.'
Tucker pissed off more than a few people at Comedy Central, many of them script and comedy writers with years of experience. Tucker also called Jamie Tarses the c-word--who might herself be controversial but is not without friends. Let's just say that there is a not so small group of people who have a lot of experience in the industry have taken an unusual interest in wanting to see Tucker fall on his ass. Let's also say that Tucker and his fanboys had a not so private little feud with a Hollywood scriptwriter who took even more of an interest in his little vanity project and related posts. And that he had a feud with gawker who also has several industry sources that are interested enough in his BS to want to keep him honest. Enough of an interest that several people in this ever growing group called other people in the know to find out the specific details of his various boasts. And let's say that they are funny, which is why the comedy level here is actually better than what you find in Tucker's script. And then let's just say that this blogspot has become of a little bit of a ground zero for the latest bit of boasting that Tucker does.
Nuff said.
Haha. Listening to the radio interview. So far it's not bad. But I swear halfway through the interview a guy shows up with McDonalds and I swaer Nils gets excited and eats a sausage meal.
Tucker so far is coming off as a decent interview. Nothing new, but no massive failure. The DJ guy is in love with him so that helps.
http://kisw.radiotown.com/bjdaily/08-09/bjpodcast08-13-7A.mp3
Man that was a softball interview.
I thought you were kidding about Nils and the Mcdonalds. Glol
I'm not a hollywood insider, but I do know this:
Two drafts of the script were leaked here. If you check the time line, the early draft (which tucker admitted was garbage and had to be rewritten) was the one that he was shopping around hollywood and was allegedly receiving giant offers.
Tucker claimed he turned down an oscar winning director. It was revealed here that the oscar was for a holocaust documentary.
Douchebag readers knew Matt Czerifjy would be starring long before TMMB readers did.
And while Tucker was talking about his revolutionary distribution deal, people here (and on imdb) were talking about how freestyle is a DIY house for people with more ego than common sense and has never had a hit.
Maybe it's hollywood insiders posting here (and elsewhere) or maybe it's just bullshit. But the hollywood insight is more consistent and more believable than tucker is.
That's tucker's problem. He has a tendency to exaggerate, half-truth, and overhype.
Fizzy?
that interview was so fucking boring.
maybe i'm just not a 24 year old anymore and his stories are nowhere near as funny to me six years later.
oh and that trailer looks fucking awful.
Tucker Max Fail got added to the Urban dictionary.
http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Tucker%20Max%20Fail
Vote it up guys.
Ooooh. I'm 30 too and that stuff def isn't even slightly amusing to me either.
HA HA HA HA
Tuckers movie spoiler thread on the Message Board has been so lacklustre that Tucker has been reduced to copying and pasting all the fan emails he has been receving onto it. All two of them.
TDG are you pmcdonnell-4 on IMDb?
Tucker
Max
Ha Ha. It's so funny to push drunk girls out of vans. It's hilarious when they land on concrete. Whores.
PS, Tucker is totally not as badass as he seems. He hugs 1000 fatchicks in his photos from the premiere. A real dick would have asked them to keep a respectable distance.
Fail
from glog.spout.com:
"Not that there’s anything inherently wrong with being a privileged white douchebag misogynist, as long as you’re entertaining about it. And there’s not looking like much entertainment in this trailer, which looks like a National Lampoon Direct to Cable knockoff of an American Pie Direct to Video movie."
About the reviews thread. Here's my logic.
1. the tour was only promoted via his messageboard/blog
2. ticket sales were announced on messageboard/blog
3. almost all people buying tickets are likely members/readers of messageboard/blog
4. therefore, most people in attendance should have access to messageboard/blog
YET, only 4 have seen fit to post any sort of comments about the film, one of which doesn't count because it's totally Tucker's buttboy Capt Capital.
Sorry, but the lack of positive reviews speaks FAR MORE than the lack of negative reviews.
So, let's conservatively say out of 600 attending (estimated), at least 75% of those are board familiar with likely at least 50% board members with probably 10% of those posting regularly... that should still mean that 30 folks should have been tempted to offer a review if it was revolutionary or at all epic.
Someone check my math.... but I think it equals tuckermaxfail.
Someone give that boy a hug. This has to hurt.
Yes, which is why he's writing his own reviews and posting them as "fan emails".
Is TM actually BOASTING about pushing a drunk girl out of a car onto concrete?
And shit damn, posting pictures up about it?!?!
Is that cool to some people? How does that constitute a funny story? Jesus god...that is beyond the usual nonsense.
What a fucking prick.
Oh god, he's making up reviews again.
Can't even be fucking bothered to make up backgrounds for them either.
Tugger STILL hasn't learnt how to write for a character in a different voice either, hehe.
"Is that cool to some people? How does that constitute a funny story? Jesus god...that is beyond the usual nonsense."
Wow, if there are pictures the girl should press charges. That's easily assault and battery. If Tucker got unlucky, he could do real prison time.
So if ryan holiday is acting as Ottos' fluffer on tour for the steady trickle of hiv infected skanks, then who is constantly monitoring his facebook / wiki / amazon, etc pages???
"TDG are you pmcdonnell-4 on IMDb?"
No. I never met TDG; and we do write in fairly different styles. My guess is that I am also about 10years older. I also was not ever a mod or regular poster on the message board.
I am a big fan of TDG and do confess to some deconstruction of some of Tucker's posts, but they are totally independent pieces of work. We are the Leibniz and Newton of Tucker Max hate (a little bonus for all you guys who didn't drop a tough major because of math issues).
PMC
Word on the street is Tucker's already hanging out at Lenox Square in Atlanta begging people to come to his "premier." His Magic Johnson joke has not gone over well with the demographic in the A.
Let us hope that nils makes one too many black jokes i.e.
"McDonalds has advertised solely to blacks for years"
And as a result gets his morbidly obese head caved in.
"First off, I would like to say that Seattle is a very cool city and I need to come back here. This was my first trip to Seattle, and I liked almost everything about it; the people were nice, girls are hot, bars are fun–the entire energy of the city is uplifting and refreshing."
Yeah, it was a lot like Shrevesport when I was looking to get something from them. In a few months from now, raise your hands if you think Tucker is going to post something like: Fuck You Seattle!
"It’s like San Francisco without all the bullshit."
Fuck you San Francisco in advance.!
"If you’ve never been, visit, you’ll like it.'
Particularly if you've already worn out your welcome in Shrevesport and San Francisco.
"The Portland screening was an anomaly; we held it in a theater with a bar, and the theater itself is very oddly shaped, dividing the crowd up into four sections, and the movie played off a DVD."
Fuck you Portland.
"As for the afterparty…where do I even start with that hot mess? We went next door to this place called Earl’s. The manager looked EXACTLY like James Hetfield."
And most of the girls looked like Lars.
"Tucker “What’s the most guys have you fucked in one week?”
Girl “Uhh…three?”
Tucker “BULLSHIT!”
Nils “OK, let’s try this: How many guys have you blown in a week?”
Girl “Well that’s different.”
Tucker “Jackpot!”
Nils “You don’t have enough fingers for infinity, so just round down.”
Then she actually held her hands out and starting counting on her fingers. Awesome."
Fast forward fifteen years to Tucker sitting at home with his lovely wife Bunny and his son Tucker, Jr [Nils, having gone insane from the movie flop is still hanging around]:
Tucker, Jr.: Mom, “What’s the most guys have you fucked in one week?”
Bunny:“Uhh…three?”
Tucker “BULLSHIT!”
Nils “OK, let’s try this: How many guys have you blown in a week?”
Bunny: “Well that’s different.”
Tucker “Jackpot!”
Nils “You don’t have enough fingers for infinity, so just round down.”
Then Bunny actually holds her hands out and starts counting on her fingers.
Tucker, Jr: Mom, how many guys did you let assfuck you in rehab?
Nils “You don’t have enough fingers for infinity, so just round down.”
Then Bunny actually holds her hands out and starts counting on her fingers.
Tucker, Jr: Awesome.
"-There was a girl with a Captain America whore brand. I almost had sex with her just because of that. But her buck teeth stopped me."
I mean even Tucker has to draw a line somehere. Midgets: OK. Buck Teeth: No way
"-I think I told some girl I was going to kick her in the vagina until it closed. Don’t remember why, but I’m sure she deserved it."
How is this fair. Tucker tells the girls to get their pussies ready . . . for what. . . a good kicking. As Three Dog Night crooned: "Mama told me not to come
That ain't the way to have fun, son
That ain't the way to have fun, son"
.
part 2
"At this point, all hell broke loose. The two girls started pushing each other, friends and other people got invovled, and I jumped in the mini-van. "
Any story that involves jumping into a mini-van for safety--particularly from a girl fight-- is not cool. Taken out of context, this excert could just as easily be inserted in this story.
As we left the Special Olympics trials in Seattle, Mary,an autistic girl and Susie, a girl with Downs syndrome started pushing each other, friends and other people got invovled, and I jumped in the mini-van.
"It was like a fucking scene horror movie. She got up, flashed this crazy look at me, grabbed the door handle and pulled it open–EVEN THOUGH IT WAS LOCKED."
AHHHH. AHHHH. Tucker should have written a script for a horror movie. Imagine the horror of a drunk girl trying to get into a locked mini-van---BUT IT ISN'T EVEN LOCKED. AHHHHHHH. Saw IX-The Mini-Van.
"Then–and this is still kinda hazy to me–I think she fucking swung at me. I know she hit me in the face, that is certain."
AHH. Tucker is being attacked by a drunk girl as he sits in a mini-van. OHHH the Horror.
"I am not sure if she was trying to hit me or trying to climb into the van, but either way I don’t give a fuck: I pushed her back out of the van, and she plopped down on the concrete."
DAMN. Tucker, you harcore. Dat's exactly the way you treat em if they be trying to get into your mini-van. Dis Mini-van be moving out witout you, get yo ass on the concrete. biatch! Soccer moms take note.
"She looked up, and in the most pitiful, drunken whore wail I’ve ever heard, she said:
“WE WERE SUPPOSED TO HAVE SEX!”
So says the great filmaker Tucker Max. Historians will recall that as Orson Wells was on his mini-van tour of screening Citizen Kane throughout the Pacific Northwest, he had a very similar incident. It was 1941, and Wells was accosted by a neighborhood trollop who was seeking some companionship for the evening after being overwhelmed by the art that was Orson's great film. Like Tucker, Wells pushed the trollop on the ground from his mini-van and then woke up at 3 am to pen the event in his diary for posterity
"After we drove off, our tour manager Dave, who has ran tours for pretty much every major band who has toured during the past decade, looked at me and said, “Welcome to stardom. Motley Crue’s been here for years.”
This is true. A little known fact about Motley Crue, who literally played to audiences of millions in the late 80s was that they travelled exclusively by mini-van. The old videos of them flying in by helicopter, travelling by limo, flying by private jet, and being escorted by multiple tour buses and semis were fabricated. The band was all about the minivan. In fact, frequently, Tommie Lee who was sleeping with the likes of Heather Locklear and Pamela Anderson at the time used to struggle between sleeping with the buck toothed girl, or the goth off her meds. It was not an infrequent occurece that someone would get pushed on the ground
"No. I never met TDG; and we do write in fairly different styles. My guess is that I am also about 10years older. I also was not ever a mod or regular poster on the message board.
I am a big fan of TDG and do confess to some deconstruction of some of Tucker's posts, but they are totally independent pieces of work. We are the Leibniz and Newton of Tucker Max hate (a little bonus for all you guys who didn't drop a tough major because of math issues)."
I would have thought you were in your 40s PMC? Just curious.
In terms of math, Leibniz was cooler. Plus Newtons calculus notation is really difficult to follow...
D' - yeah, that's how I want to represent the a derivative. Not Dx/Dy which is way more meaning...oh change of x over change in y, you mean slope!
Not that Newton isn't a genius in his own right, But Leibniz was way ahead of him in Calculus.
Whoops...I let my inner nerd slip. Hey, I like that stuff.
So you're Newton to his Leibniz? I like reading your posts PMC from the logical side of thinking. I like TDGs for the hilarious brutality of them.
"I am not sure if she was trying to hit me or trying to climb into the van, but either way I don’t give a fuck: I pushed her back out of the van, and she plopped down on the concrete."
He's openly admitting to Assualt and Battery, even if she swung on him he could easily be prosecuted for that.
Someone please, please, please report that to the Portland Authorities.
The man who has nothing can still have faith.
"The man who has nothing can still have faith."
Don't forget Butht Thecth!
"So you're Newton to his Leibniz? I like reading your posts PMC from the logical side of thinking. I like TDGs for the hilarious brutality of them."
A little known fact about Leibniz was his hilarious brutality. Mrs. Leibniz often used to remark about the soreness for days. "Leipzig, get your pussies ready," was oft heard while young Gottfried was studying at the University. many historians wonder what compelling "shit humor" that Gottfried could have written if he wasn't wasting his time independently discovering calculus, inventing the binary system, and developing early logic based philosophy.
Leibniz once had his buddy hide in the closet while he assfucked Mrs Leibniz, but the sketches his buddy was making were unfortunately lost after they all began puking in a chain reaction because they had eaten some bad snitzel in a pub in Hanover. The smell of shit and saurbraten is still talked about in mathematical circles.
And yes, if you find any humor in this excerpt, you are a serious math geek. And we know from people like Bill Gates and all those losers from silicon valley that they never get the high class chicks that try and get into minivans.
"Sorry, but the lack of positive reviews speaks FAR MORE than the lack of negative reviews."
Is there ANY doubt that he's deleting the negative reviews? The dude deleted joke posts written by fans on his Facebook wall!!
Post a Comment