Friday, August 18, 2006

Real-Life Tucker Max Stories

Some of the people posting comments here written about some really interesting (and enlightening) true-life Tucker Max stories. Obviously I have no way of verifying any of these, as they were submitted by anonymous posters. If anyone else can verify these, feel free to provide a comment to this post. Thanks for the interesting stories, anonymous posters.

This story was provided as a comment to a previous posting:

Anonymous said...
I know a chick that he used to fuck last year and she is definitely not hot at all. She was probably ok five years ago, but she has a gut and her face is pretty hurt. And this was not just a casual thing either. Tucker really went out of his way to fuck this chick and spend time with her.

7/19/2006 5:42 AM

This story was provided as a comment to another previous posting:

Anonymous said...
Yeah, I have a Tucker Max story.

Tucker lives in my neighborhood in Flat Iron (I'm not sure where, but I think he lives on or around my block). I have seen him out at a local bar that I used to frequent. I had no idea who or what he was. He was just sort of a drunken loudmouth from the midwest who bragged how he was better than everybody else because he's fucked more women and had some sort of book deal. Thing was, in this pub, nobody could give a fuck. Finally one patron, an elderly man from Ireland named Jimmy told him that nobody cared, that he was getting on his nerves and if he didn't shut up he was going to kick Tucker's ass. Tucker, backed by his friends, decided to try and make fun of Jimmy. Jimmy sat back, laughed it off, looked at Tucker and swung his cane, hitting him dead in the knee. Tucker went down like a bitch, Jimmy went back to drinking his cheap beer. The owner, a guy named Butch came out and grabbed a screaming Tucker by the leg and dragged him out of the bar. His friends did absolutely jackshit as they were now outnumbered. Tucker was screaming stuff about suing the bar.

What's really fucked up, as Butch entered the bar after throwing Tucker out the front door, Tucker emerged and sucker punched Butch from behind, hitting him in the back of the head (Butch is about 5-8 200 and an ex-Marine). He then ran out of the bar and into the night. He has not been back to the bar since. I haven't seen him around the neighborhood since that incident (which occured in June).

Let's run this down. Tucker Max was an outward asshole at a bar, chastised and threatened a 75 year old man with a cane, got pimp slapped by the 75 year old man with a cane, got thrown out of the bar by a 55 year old man much smaller than him and then resorted to sucker punching the 55 year old man before running out of the bar like a straight up pussy.

Bet this story didn't make his site.

8/17/2006 2:10 PM


Anonymous said...

I do know a Justine Massler story - he got his ass handed to him by some kid called Kung Fu Mike.

It was fucking hilarious.

Anonymous said...

Was that before or after Kung Fu Dyke handed his own lubed-up asshole to Tucker Max?

Anonymous said...

Does it matter?

Anonymous said...

Who cares what "Mini Skirt Mike" claims. She was owned. That's what happens when reality and Internet fantasy meet: Self-styled maucho dudes like Tucker and Mini Skirt get their asses kicked, or fuck fat chicks. Afterward, they sit down at a keyboard and brag that they're martial arts experts, and hooked-up with stunning babes.

Anonymous said...

Hang on, which is the macho fake martial arts expert that got her ass kicked, Justine Massler or Kung Fu Michelle?

From the video, it was Justine.

Anonymous said...

Does it really matter? They're both faggots anyway.

Anonymous said...

The 2nd story took place at a place called "The Beauty Bar" on 14th Street.

JH said...

"The 2nd story took place at a place called "The Beauty Bar" on 14th Street. "

Bzzzt. Wrong answer. If this is the person who wrote the original story, you are officially full of shit. Why? Because I live 5 blocks away from The Beauty Bar, and it is absolutely NOTHING like you described. It is not an old man bar, in fact It's a bar for NYU students for the most part and rarely has anybody in there over the age of 40 (ie: there are no old men with canes in there who are regulars). It is also not owned by anybody named Butch or anybody who resembles the person you describe.

This is a bullshit story and should be taken off the front page.

Anonymous said...

I wouldn't write the story off as bullshit, unless the IP address of the original story teller matches with the poster who identified the bar.

From FlatIron to NYU, Manhattan is packed with bars, some for students, others for older folks. For all we know, Tucker's a regular at The Cock over on 12th Street, wowing the flyboys.

Anonymous said...

>>From the video, it was Justine.

What video is this? Is it on YouTube? Provide a link so we can take a look.

Anonymous said...

No, you took them all down.

Bet there's still some copies around though...

Anonymous said...

It was a pretty entertaining scuffle. I mean look at Cloud Starchild or whatever he calls himself. Do you think he looks fearsome? Seriously Mike, get a sex change operation or something. Your "Kung Fu" name is embarrassment to real men everywhere.

Anonymous said...

That story is 100% believable. Like the guy said at the end, when will we see this one on Tucker's website? He could at least refute it.

Tucker posts his whereabouts often on his site. There is nothing I despise more than somebody who rabbit-punches. Somebody needs to beat the fucking life out of this guy.

Btw, somebody post a link to this video you guys keep mentioning!

Anonymous said...

if tucker max wants to be successful he should stop writing hackneyed shit.

here's my favorite review of his book

"In the "Foxfield weekend" story, he claims he was mid-coitus when a pepper spray can that was in the girl's purse discharged. Funny, but definitely fiction. Pepper spray cans have a spring-loaded guard that you must lift and slide your finger under (at which point it takes several pounds of downward pressure to spray it). At the very least, they have a safety lock you must slide over and then down (similar to what you'd find on a "child-proof" lighter). To suggest it could go off accidentaly from someone lying down on a purse is laughable."

what a dildo. his stories fall into two categories

1. ridiculous lies that are impossible to verify (anal sex, o'hare airport, the aforementioned)

2. lame shit that any moron has done (every other one of his stories)

somebody should also inform the publisher of his book that the picture on the front is laughably fake. ahahaha. fuck you tucker.

Anonymous said...

Even though he makes six figures, he steals from waitresses that work for tips.

Anonymous said...

He probably cleared six figures with the recent book release.

It is not sustainable though. Book sales always drop, and after he was exposed as a liar on Opie & Anthony, his sales probably went down the toilet.

He won't make six figures from web hits. He's lived off daddy, who runs a very successful restaurant.

Anonymous said...

Here's the actual post from Kung Fu Mike on his messageboard:

I went on a book signing tour once with an internet celebrity that made six figures, and he insisted on pulling a chew-and-screw at every Cracker Barrel restaurant we saw on the road. I didn't even realize that we were doing it until the 5th time.

Internet Celebrity: "Dude, let's get out of here."

Me: "OK, did the waitress bring the bill around?"

Internet Celebrity: "No dude, let's just go."

Me: "...what? You want to chew-and-screw?!"

Internet Celebrity: "Um, Mike...we do that every time we eat breakfast at one of these places."

I was so nervous walking out of that restaurant that in my rush to get out the door I bumped into some elderly guy with a cane, throwing him off balance and into some vintage toy display, leaving him on the floor with other patrons trying to help him up as I scurried out to the Ford Explorer.

Fucking internet celebrities, they're like coupons with feet.

Anonymous said...

is kung fu mike the intern tucker wanted? good god. this guy's an intern for tucker max of all people? oh wait, i forgot working for him is better than working for mtv. maybe tucker will hire me to fix the continuity errors in his stories for 2 grand a month.

and who the fuck studies kung fu anyways? what is he, 12? is he one of the 5 or so people on earth who've never seen ufc/pride?

max grossly overreports his income and artificially boosts his traffic. any it person knows how to do it. if he were so rich, why the fuck does he live with roommates? why can't he pick up a bill for $20 at the cracker barrell? i'd be surprised if he cleared 80 grand a year.

this guy is quickly becoming my favorite pet hate. my favorite part is the academic scholarship to duke that he's admitted was only a partial scholarship. the fuckhead probably got 3 grand a year. he obviously doesn't consider the cake job from dad a gift even though he spent all his time jerking in the men's room.

Anonymous said...

The NY bar story posted here is a complete fabrication, as Tucker was in Los Angeles the entire month of June, part of July, and all of September.

joey said...

i have been reading this site all morning and laughing. not at how much of a douchebag tucker max is however, more at how much of a fucking loser you are.

seriously, i can't think of any word besides "loser" to describe someone who makes a blogspot about hating a celebrity(with the exception of Banksy's Paris Hilton stunt).

please keep posting. I legitimately laugh out loud at this website.

Although that's not necessarily something you should be proud of.

Anonymous said...

Joey, Tucker Max just called. He says you are late for your rimming session.

Mike said...

To be fair, most people would go down if they take a shot to the knee with a rod, or in this case, a cane. Also, the 55 yr old is a Marine. My Uncle is 45 yrs old and 25 years my senior, and he still kicks my ass up and down the stairs everytime we brawl. I work out 4-5 times a week, box on the side and run olympic marathons in the summer and I'm pretty sure that in 10 years my uncle will still kick the crap outta me. Even moreso if I'm piss drunk.

Anonymous said...

yeah you are all hypocrites. do you realize that all you do is bitch and moan about Tucker fabricating his stories as he lacks proof. I am not even really a Tucker Max supporter, but you fucks post "stories" about him also lacking proof. fuckin' assclowns...

Anonymous said...

Following the life of a 30-year-old man whom you proclaim a douche not worthy of your respect, spending a lifetime making up "fan fiction" to legitimize your obvious personal vendetta, and resorting to gay cracks when your platform falls through? If you had just ignored the supposed Tucker Max "problem," you would have withheld publicity and avoided reaching Douche Factor Nine.

Stare long into the abyss, and the abyss stares also into you. And then begs you to clean it out with some of your douche fluid.

Anonymous said...

I wonder if Jimmy and Butch heard about the complete failure of Tucker Max's movie and most recent book. They probably has a good laugh thinking about how Tucker ran like a bitch after sucker-punching Butch at the bar.

Anonymous said...

Tucker max looks really inconfident in his story that he tells on opie and anthony which is funny he looks like he is bout break down and cry