The story below was copied from a
Facebook.com account. A link to this story in the comments to an older post awhile ago.
Tucker Max's face, meet Megan ******'s hand
Megan was discussing ball shaving with a nice man at a tailgate. Good start to this story;) NE ways, Tucker Max was also at the tailgate and started talking shit to Megan (he obviously thought she was a hot girl who would sleep w/ him if acted like an asshole, and he was showing off in front of his buddies). Megan hit him on the arm, and he said that meant Megan wanted to fuck him because if she hit him in the face, then he'd know she was mad. She then dissed his elastic waistband (yes, he was wearing elastic waistband shorts, what is he, 12?), and he said "its so stupid bitch whores like you can suck my dick without any confusion." So she slapped him in the face!!!
Tucker threw his drink at her, Candice threw her drink at Tucker with lightning fast reflexes, then he proceeded to grab Megan by her hair and hit her in the face with his pathetically small hands. With a bruised face, and a bruised ego, he took his shriveled penis back to his buddies.
In Tucker Max's own words, "My name is Tucker Max, and I am an asshole." Oh, and he hits girls.
15,917 comments:
«Oldest ‹Older 6401 – 6600 of 15917 Newer› Newest»I stopped going to class first semester, stopped buying books second semester, and lived in Cancun for six weeks once during my second year.”
Yeah...if he in fact lowered Duke from rank #7 to #11 as he claims...that means it was not so easy he could do those things and still get decent grades.
In most masters (which is what a law degree is, it's not a PHD), professors don't take kindly to you not showing up, and you can't just ace tests and pass.
Maybe it wasn't hard for you because you have no degree to show. Honestly, has anyone ever seen a picture of this? I have my degree hanging on my wall at home, in a giant frame.
If Duke makes it so easy that students living in cancun for 6 weeks can pass, what does that say about their degrees? I didn't know the Duke Law Library could all be found online in 1999-2001. When I was in school from 2000-2006, all our publications were certainly listed online, but you still had to check them out to actually see them.
I'd imagine that might be important if one was finishing assignments, projects, and tests online (as I'm sure the claim will be)
“Kicked out of the system I had bought into.”
Tucker, you didn’t buy into dick. You straight up said that you were lazy. You went to law school and then didn’t actually go. What happened was your laziness caught up to you. You can deceive people in a vacuum, but in the real world, your schtick doesn’t work. It makes you come off like a douchebag, which is why the life you’re living is the only thing you can do.
________
This is a common theme of people who insist bad stuff just happens to fall on their head.
Because they were always late to work, never saved any money, and decided to go drinking instead of work another hour, they can't believe they got fired, had no money for rent, and can't find a career.
Ya think?
“Hearing this from someone else, especially from a guy who I respected, meant something to me. Tucker Max as writer.”
Yep, Tucker’s totally fucking him. Listen to him talk about PWJ’s asshole, just read below.
“I wanted it, I considered it, but I still couldn't make the leap. I was still having trouble wrapping my head around the idea of taking the path less traveled. I had bought into the system so fully, and abandoned my passion for so long,”
I rest my case. Do not ever question my deconstructionist abilities.
___________
Stop man! You're killing me. Ahhhh...Hilarious.
"Cool dude, you go watch Puma Swede act for 30 bucks in stories you already know the outcome to, I'll just resubscribe for a year on Brazzers at 20 bucks (longtime subscriber) and watch her fuck.
Again, glad you like my work.
-TDG"
Puma is a freak! - And I prefer the "Tube" sites...money sites are getting killed, you can tube it for free.
I may see the movie on DVD knockoff if Puma is licking a**. She's pretty good at that.
"I just feel as a writer he's regressed into this cartoon figurehead and II think it showed in his script."
I'm in agreement. The reason he gets so much hate now is because he became delusional. He's just as you describe him, a cartoon.
He took a great opportunity that just landed in his lap and he sh** all over it.
"Hey TDG,
Just wondering why you have it out for Tucker? Has he ever done anything to you personally like fucking your girlfriend, or are you just some dickwad with a big mouth who is hiding behind his keyboard?"
It sounds like he is on vacation from college. A well informed student IMO, as he's not buying into the douchebag but is in Tuckers prime target area.
"He's making a movie, what the hell are you doing that's so great? I bet you didn't go to Duke or U of Chicago and graduate with honers."
Well, he made a movie. The filming was over last summer, yet 80 days until release and there is still no trailer...
Yeah, you're right. We can't all graduate with a degree in "Letters and Law" not "Economics" like Tuck Claims.
As for myself (I'm not TDG, but clearly since I hate on Tuck I must be a moron) I did graduate with 2 minors and a major in Mechanical Engineering, but hey, That Law and Economics degree is really scary and hard. Not to mention that MBA.
But then again, I don't live with roomates, have a 401k, IRA, Stock Portfolio, Savings, and don't drive a Chevy Malibu (I prefer my Harley and Cadillac). So I guess you're right, and can't be like Tucker and live with roomates because I can't afford anything better, or drive a Chevy Malibu like him, or have no savings so I have to continually Dine and Dash.
Of course, hard work and reward makes me a lot different than Tucker because he wouldn't know much about that being fired from things he was supposedly very smart at.
"Hope you come to one of his sold out shows so we can get a good look at you. There will be repurcutions to your actions, I shit you not."
HAHAAHAHAAH. Ok...
I've openly said I'll punch Tucker in the face if I ever see him. And none of you will stop me, you'll just sit there like punk'd idiots.
"Variation on 1 so, I should get credit. Because Tucker has never acted like a dickwad hiding behind a keyboard."
That's the irony. A guy in his mid-30s who openly posts (A LOT) on this boards is so cool. But anyone who says something negative must have too much time on their hands...
WHAT DOES HE HAVE THEN! SO LITTLE TIME HE CAN BE POSTING ALL DAY EVERYDAY!
"In some quarters, a 34 year old guy with a great education who is still posting dick stories on the internet and hanging around with college kids constitutes a loser. In a real sense, Tucker's education w/o a law license makes him qualified to be a paralegal."
No Kidding. And for all this nonsense he hasn't shown any contribution to society, no growth as a writer, he's broke.
"like fucking your girlfriend"
Let me check if my girlfriend has a scorching case of herpes or a tattoo that she's covered over that might have said "I Fucked Tucker Max.... Nope, guess she didn't hit rock bottom yet and then turned her self loathing onto herself by fucking the equivilent of a whore. But who knows, we've only been dating for 6 months, I might drive her in that direction.
_________
Man, there is some good humor on the boards today.
"Rudius Air: We are already in talks to purchase or lease two high-end private jets that will cater to specifically to filmmakers"
What the hell?
I mean ...
What the HELL?
Here's hoping Tucker meets his own little Sahei Kazemi.
"Rudius Air: We are already in talks to purchase or lease two high-end private jets that will cater to specifically to filmmakers"
Lenny Dykstra investing no doubt.
Air-Douche
HAHAHAHAHAAHAHA yeah i bet some skinny 15 poudn curling arm college fratboy faggot who can't hold his liquor is gonna be "looking for you" at a premier. hes gnona beat you up good brother. you kids are fucking pathetic, get fucked.
semper fi
Air-Douche
If you get airsick, reach for the Douchebag?
Exam Truck
http://www.freaksafari.com/forum/showpost.php?p=168449&postcount=6
"What TDG says is completely true. I had a 4-year engineering scholarship to a top 10 engineering school.
If you google my real name...it comes up. It's the only thing I'm "known" for in the WWW. But it's right there, school lists the scholarships they give out every year and who they are too. Especially ones that are academic scholarships (not business ones) because this is a display of prominance by the academia."
I had a scholarship as well. First the scholarship has a name because somebody endowed it, so it would be like the Mortimer Jones Scholarship, or sometimes they are corporate endowments and bear the name of the corporate doner. There is no mystery to it. And Duke would have a record of an academic scholarship. Now, if his dad was a total deadbeat and he needed financial aid based upon need, then it wouldn't have a name, but it would not be a "scholarship."
"There's no scholarship with Tuckers' name on it anywhere in the Duke website or history."
Yet another question.
TUCKER MAX MOVIE POSTER CONTEST!!!
Here's the movie poster!
http://www.flickr.com/photos/tags/tuckermax/
I need someone to photoshop it!
Captions can be:
"I'm not just a member of the hair club for douchebags, I'm the president."
"The douche pack."
"Next time we shoot a movie, I recommend we get a real 1) script, 2) director, and 3) actors. That way we could get real distribution and show it in real theaters."
http://www.flickr.com/photos/tags/tuckermax/?page=8 find the best!
my hips are wider than my shoulders, yo! it's the new douchebag look!
http://www.flickr.com/photos/rudiusmedia/2630085524/sizes/l/in/set-72157605924770458/
http://www.flickr.com/photos/rudius
media/2677266680
/sizes/l/in/photostream/
The actors and the director have to sit there and listen to him act the scene out.
Ouch.
And no one can speak about the lumps of fats on Tucker's arms. Look at picture.
^^^
Tucker's unseen hand in that pic is rigging cable under the table, as he intends to tell the crew how to set the lights properly. The fatty lump in his right arm is actually a note to himself inserted under his skin, to remind him that he needs to tell the Foley artist the best way to record the sound of shit hitting denim.
“_Making this movie was never the end goal for Nils or me. Never. This movie is just a launching point for something much larger.
In addition to building a franchise off of this first film project, we have tons of ideas for Rudius media. Some are easy to envision (books, movies); others will take a lot more resources and be dependant upon certain benchmarks associated with domestic receipts and other factors that I will explain soon.
The business plan for Rudius is diverse to say the least and will surprise many people. Without giving away too many secrets I will list just a few of the like 20 ventures we will be exploring.
Rudius Air...
Crossbow and Rifle range...
IHTSBIH Bar/Restaurant(s)...
Wow, what an idiot. I thought this post was sardonic humor. I didn't realize our favorite caricature of a human being really blogged these as serious thoughts.
Seriously... Did he really post this idiocy?
Tucker!
Oh, glorious Tucker, avatar of our dreams and wishes! Oh, incomparable Tucker, vision of true manhood! Oh, first of all Tuckers, Tucker who changes everything! Tucker! I worship you! Tucker, my one and only god! All my praises are for you! All my possessions are for you! All my (male) virginity is for you! Tucker, I think of you night and day! Tucker, I cut out your photos and stare at them for hours! Tucker, I believe every word you ever post! Tucker, magnificent one! Tucker, most glorious one! Heavenly emissary upon earth: TUCKER! Body fluid gifter to all: TUCKER! Touch me! Please me! Love me! Cut me! Rob me! Rape me! Skullfuck me! Tucker, I exist only for you! I shall sing your immortal praises to the skies till the world ends! For you are TUCKER! TUCKER! TUCKER!
there, now we got us some tm fanpoast to make it all square
"The business plan for Rudius is diverse to say the least and will surprise many people. Without giving away too many secrets I will list just a few of the like 20 ventures we will be exploring.
Rudius Air...
Crossbow and Rifle range...
IHTSBIH Bar/Restaurant(s)..."
Why not combine all three. An airplane where you can shoot rifles and crossbows while enjoying a mojito at the bar. Because air travel is such a profitable industry right now. Cabelas and The Bass Shops don't know anything about marketing sporting and shooting arts; and Tucker's last foray into the restaurant business with his dad was so successful. By combining all three, it's bound to be a hit.
You might think you need to learn to do at least One thing well before trying to take on every business venture under the sun.
Most successful people play to their strengths and then round out their weaknesses later.
They don't jump into something they know nothing about.
But hey, Tucker can do anything.
Well sure it might be a tad unprofitable to run an airlines these days, but at least the firearms industry is relaxing in terms of Federal and local legislation.... oh wait.
Why doesn't Tucker just get into the business of shipping hydrochloric acid and make it a trifecta of stupidity.
Lack of trailer flak is getting to Tucker:
"Yes, some movies do release trailers six months out. But those movies are usually huge studio movies that have 50 million dollar P&A budgets, and traditional release strategies that give them over a year of planning time."
Or simply movies that are good enough to pickup real distribution.
"That's not us."
Thank you Mr. Obvious.
"We have a much smaller P&A spend"
$1.65 isn't a P&A spend, its change from Starbucks.
"and much less time to coordinate everything for distribution,"
Rent-a-Theater isn't distribution you raging fucktard.
"and thus, we have much less margin for error. We HAVE to get this trailer right, the first time,"
Still reading the instruction manual on your Apple computer I see. Yes, self editing takes time.
"so we are not rushing it, we are spending the time it takes to make sure we get it right, just like we did for the editing."
And that worked so well that EVERY distributor who saw the movie passed. Obviously you & Nils are pros at editing.
"But if we rush the trailer to get out 80 days before release, and it is not as good...we are horse fucked."
As opposed to your current straight-to-DVD situation?
"In an online world, the trailer is the MOST important piece of marketing,"
Something tells me that Tucker is going to regret that statement.
"and it HAS to be as good as possible."
Hmm, somewhere I read something about turning pigshit into a silk purse or something like that. I'm sure Tucker is a better Alchemist than anyone else in Hollywood.
"Like I have said 1000 times: What matters most is having great content, and that takes time to produce."
And I'm too fucking lazy.
"If that means releasing the trailer 60 days out from release instead of 80, that's OK. That is still plenty of time for a great trailer to spread via WOM."
Yes, just like how IHTSBIH The Movie generated tons of interest in Hollywood & had studios/distributors/name actors/etc wanting to produce/direct/buy/distribute it.
That & after the costs of producing the trailer you will have $.78 left over for the rest of the marketing.
"And dude--if the reactions we've been getting to the new trailer are indicative, I think when we drop it, its going to hit like a firestorm."
PLEASE keep relying on The Bunny for advice. Its not like she is batshit crazy & liable to go postal at any minute.
"Cool shit ALWAYS finds an audience on the internet."
Hence the 6500+ comments on this blog in the past year. Probably more than on your pathetic message board.
"and much less time to coordinate everything for distribution"
-- Wasn't this movie finished filming last summer. In other words...they've had over a year to coordinate everything they needed to.
But again, that's indicative of Tuckers general work ethic. Do nothing. Get Fired. And then blame it on someone else.
Aren't firestorms a bad thing?
You might think you need to learn to do at least One thing well before trying to take on every business venture under the sun.
Most successful people play to their strengths and then round out their weaknesses later.
They don't jump into something they know nothing about.
But hey, Tucker can do anything.
Exactly. Didn't Tucker learn a damn thing after fucking up his proposed comedy show and movie?
Airlines: Losing record amounts of money. Targets a market so tiny that he'll never be able to fill the capacity of his fixed assets (and leasing is not an option for practical reasons).
Cross Bow & Rifle Range: This is a childish idea. Ranges aren't big money makers, and there's no economy of scale by trying to own a dozens or more. Any redneck lineback athlete could lend his name and outsell TM in this venture, if there was any money to be made. But there isn't.
IHTSBIH Bar/Restaurants: This is rich. Opening a restaurant in this economy? Restaurants and retail are getting their asses kicked right now; look at the bankrupcy filings. And though I'm sure Tucker's ulterior motive is to get Daddy Max to pay attention to him, he has to be pragmatic and realize that there are plenty of Hooters and Hooters-copycats out there.
6,500 posts? Wow, you cats have some serious issues.
You state that the movie is destined to fail because you claim every ditributor in Hollywood passed on the movie, forcing Tucker to got the DIY route via Freestyle.
How do you know there weren't offers from majors? Maybe the team didn't like the terms outlined in those offers and decided to use Freestyle so that they can control both the creative side and the financial side.
Ever hear of a reverse rollout? What about films like My Big Fat Greek Wedding?
Let's examine it for a minute. Budget was $5,000,000 (estimated) Story was based around events leading up to a wedding. Opening Weekend $597,362 (USA) (21 April 2002) How many screens you say? 108 Screens.
108 screens. It played in theaters for one year. What was it's take you say? $241,438,208 domestic. (Psssst, that's a Worldwide tally of $368,744,044. and that's BEFORE DVD revenue)
Who distributed this film? Must be a HUGE well known company, RIGHT? How about IFC films. Yeah, I never heard of them either.
So how did this happen? Simple. Word of mouth. People responded to the story and the characters. They told there friends, who in turn told their friends.
Now imagine if some people were smart enough to take a film on the road, cross country, pre-threatrical release and whet the whisltes of a rabid fan base. Hmmmmm. Noboby is THAT smart.
Lesson to be learned?
Tucker, Nils and Sean will be a very rich men this time next year. Now ask yourself this simple question. What will YOU be this time next year.
9:58am--its possible--after all Paul Blart did $150m+ so there is no telling what the American public will buy, however the odds against IHTSBIH actually repeating BFGW are astronomically stacked against them. Adding to the odds against is TM's track record of promising more than he can deliver (by a multiple of 10). Aside from Blair Witch and BFGW, both of which were extremely original in both the format and within their respective genres, and the pre-release buzz on blair witch is certainly not shared by BIH.
Of course even if TM is highly successful, it won't excuse his Arthur Kade level douchebaggedness.
"7/09/2009 10:09 AM"
Point well taken. Glad to see you guys are ready to accept defeat.
The reason guys like Tucker always end up on top is because they never waver from their positions, even when those positions are, um, well, stupid or shallow.
The guy has follow through and it's paid off for him. Not sure the trickle down theory will apply to the rest of his group, except for Nils.
Ever hear of a reverse rollout? What about films like My Big Fat Greek Wedding?
Let's examine it for a minute. Budget was $5,000,000 (estimated) Story was based around events leading up to a wedding. Opening Weekend $597,362 (USA) (21 April 2002) How many screens you say? 108 Screens.
My Big Fat Greek Wedding was endearing to anyone with a conscience... oh, and Greeks and fat people.
Tucker's personality in BIH will be endearing to.... hold on, are the Son of Sam and Ted Bundy still alive? Or have they both been put down by the state?
And now, for your amusement, some gems from one of the Gawker threads from last summer:
This movie is going to be the cinematic equivalent of The Rape of Nanking, where it's a really really fucking horrible thing, but not a lot of people know about it.
"Tucker Max" is in fact the fantasy persona of one Maxwell Q. Tucker, who lives in his parents basement in Queens and subsists mainly on ramen noodles, Twinkies, Coors Light, and self-delusion.
This movie is the double whammy of content = fail and talent = epic fail.
At least Tucker has the ethnographic wisdom to know that you must always refer to Mexicans as existing in the "bunch of" variety.
That guy looks like he smells like stale beer and Doritos.
In reference to the picture of Tucker eating a burger:
I think he's one of those people whose every facial expression bespeaks their innate idiocy. Try this one, which I am entitling, "French fry misses mouth, eater fails to notice."
And then you have this beautiful exchange:
-That's the only picture I've ever seen of him where his mouth was closed, and he's eating.
-I think what this means is that Tucker Max is really an unfunny cyborg who absorbs food with his pseudoplasma skin cells.
-Or he converts whatever he eats into beer or Patron.
"So how did this happen? Simple. Word of mouth. People responded to the story and the characters. They told there friends, who in turn told their friends.
Now imagine if some people were smart enough to take a film on the road, cross country, pre-threatrical release and whet the whisltes of a rabid fan base. Hmmmmm. Noboby is THAT smart.
Lesson to be learned?
Tucker, Nils and Sean will be a very rich men this time next year. Now ask yourself this simple question. What will YOU be this time next year."
How's it going Tucker.
The only "terrible" movies that make it big have Major studio backing period.
Transformers is a good example. Tuckers schtick is that the American public is demanding a higher brand of movies these days (which he claims his is)
But Transformers has been critically panned by everyone. And yes, it is a terrible display of acting, directing, story telling.
But it's mega huge from mega advertising, CGI, a huge budget, and hype.
None of those things exist for IHTSBIH. So they must rely on being "Great" in order to turn an independent film into a mega hit.
Pretty much everyone who has seen the script, advance screenings, etc, who is in our around the biz has said it's not that good and passed on it.
"The reason guys like Tucker always end up on top"
If living in an LA apartment with 4 roomates and driving a leased Chevy Malibu is "On Top", I must be freaking Warren Buffet as I live in a house with no roomates and drive a Cadillac.
I wasn't aware being near homeless was the equivalent of being on top.
How do you know Tucker doesn't own a home? He's made over $800,000 from BIH and $300,000 from the advance on AFF.
One would have to imagine his writing and producing fees from the movie are between 200-400,000
Now add on site advertising, speaking fees and whatnot and you have close to 2 mil cash in a buyer's market.
Been fun spanking ya'
Keep it coming, Tucker fan boys!
Personally, I think Tucker is a thin-skinned bully and obnoxious. I have no idea how the movie will fare; I won't watch it unless it's free. I read his stories and they're obviously frat boy fairy tales. I even hung out on the TMMB a few years ago, before it became populated with high school kids and college dweebs suffering from arrested development. I don't care if he gets rich (which I doubt) or fails (which is relative, as he has fallbacks).
What I do love is the humor in this blog, and you idiot fan boys who show up from TMMB help make it happen! This humor easily rivals the best of TMMB from several years ago. Keep it coming!
7/09/09 - 9:58 a.m.
Big Fat Greek Wedding was rated PG and was accepted by a broad audience that is outside the 18-39 male/female demo that IHTSBIH will be catering to.
Also - you forgot to mention the other 200,000 indie films that did the "reverse rollout" and failed miserably. Yes it's worked and been successful, but it won't be with this film. Not when every independent non-Tuckerfanboy has ripped on each part of it.
Throughout this whole process Tucker has yet to get around the fact that he brags about how awesome his script is. Then idiotboy posts his own friend's in-production review that said "even though the script is weak, the actors are doing a good job making it work...."
7/9/09 - 11:33 a.m.
Tucker got paid about $8,000 to speak at OSU. I don't think he's at the $100,000 per appearance level yet.
"How do you know Tucker doesn't own a home? He's made over $800,000 from BIH and $300,000 from the advance on AFF.
One would have to imagine his writing and producing fees from the movie are between 200-400,000
Now add on site advertising, speaking fees and whatnot and you have close to 2 mil cash in a buyer's market.
Been fun spanking ya'"
- If he has money, how come he drives a Chevy Malibu? This is verifiable. He drove it up to an interview he did with someone writing an article on him just last year.
A) So instead of taking that 6 figure salary in 2001 and over 8 years making around 1.3-1.4 million dollars he...
B) Made 1.1 million dollars?
C) The first book has sold and official 500-600k range, speculate on the deal he got...(first time book, unknown author, etc, I'm betting less than 5% of final proceeds, if that)
D) Ok...what Publishing house gives a 300k advance for a book in 2006, they expect in 2007...and then doesn't want their advance back when he doesn't get the book out till...Now Scheduled for October, 2010.
Please.
Tucker's making half a million from t-shirt advertising and speaking fees? Heh, sure he is. Bill Clinton would go for about $100k per speech. Which means Tucker would need about 100 engagements per year to make half a million. How many paid speeches has Tucker had in the last 12 months? Well, it must be the online advertising then. I think I'll start up my own message board, get a couple hundred people online and I too can bank a half mil a year.
All it takes is one stupid component to call the rest into question. It can be automatically assumed the other numbers are out and out lies. I swear Rudius Media should just rename itself Rainman Media.
"One would have to imagine his writing and producing fees from the movie are between 200-400,000
Now add on site advertising, speaking fees and whatnot and you have close to 2 mil cash in a buyer's market."
A) How is he going to get paid for the movie with no profit? He wasn't paid up front, they had to go get financing to make the movie. The investors will be paid back first.
B) Tuckermax.com is the 25,000th most popular US web site. This is confirmable. It has almost no traffic.
Message boards about knitting have higher traffic (literally, check it out)
Being generous, I would estimate MAYBE he has generated about 50k a year off the site since 2006 when the book came out.
Following Tuckers advice to invest in GM, I'm sure I could turn that 2 million into 2 cents real quickly.
"I swear Rudius Media should just rename itself Rainman Media."
The 300k advance for AFF is the most ridiculous.
Has that ever been confirmed by his publishing company and not Tucker just saying it?
Does anyone know any publisher would give said advance and then not demand it back when the book had been pushed back 3 years? Such advances always come with deadlines your legally obligated to fulfill.
Tucker is a bad gambler. That's where his money went.
He also made about 60 cents a book on his deal. The only person saying he made 350K on the advance was Tucker, it was never confirmed by the publisher. By the way, know of a publisher who waits 3 years for the work of an author whose last book sold under a million copies while giving them a 350K ADVANCE?
They don't exist. Plus, it's an ADVANCE, meaning they didn't pay him, they gave him the money that would be paid back out of his residuals. Since there was no book as planned, they got their money back.
The Gawker Call Out - August 29, 2008 03:11 PM (DECONSTRUCTED)
Here we find out how thin Tucker’s skin actually is as well as the depths of his overwhelming hypocrisy.
“As you may be aware, the media blog Gawker has, for the last three weeks, been posting about me and this movie. Gawker's schtick is to be hateful and snarky about everything other than themselves”
As opposed when Tucker is hateful and tries to be snarky, in which case it’s cool.
“so of course they are comically negative and attacking in their posts about me.”
Which, when you think of it, can be on just about any facet of Tucker’s life.
“They seem to think it's controversial that I'm an asshole”
The only controversy is that you’re not the sort of asshole you want to portray yourself as, it’s more like you’re an orifice that shit pours out of.
“ they don't like that I have hot girls in my movie”
No, they’re just making fun of your lameass, overly written character description.
“they apparently hate the FBI,”
Yes, because the FBI are often working with border patrol to beat up illegal immigrants like your story describes.
“they accuse me of plagiarizing myself”
You mean like your “WWTD” t-shirts? Yeah, that's fucking novel. You mean how you’ve managed to rip off stories from other people and then attribute them to yourself?
“they think my stories are fake”
Because most of them are.
“and in the SAME post say everyone has similar stories,”
Well, every bullshit artist in a bar at least.
“they believe clearly made up emails (even when my REAL assistant writes to say it's fake),”
How about that “other” assistant, the one who quit a job in publishing to work for you, and how you treated him like shit to the point he needed to quit, and how you threatened him with your Neanderthal goon when he asked for his check?
Oh, you mean Greg, the male version of TheBunny, my bad, you really treated him well, I’m sure the choke hold was just something gay guys do when they love each other.
“and they even criticize me for being professional to actresses”
That’s not what Keri Lynn Pratt is saying, but what does she know, you made her.
“and loving my dog.”
There’s nothing wrong with dog fucking. Gawker was wrong there.
Still, you sound like a total douche when talking to your dogs.
“And of course, they think my movie sucks,”
“they” being everybody.
“even though their "source" on set tells them that it's good.”
You mean the guy you went to high school with who now is a very successful blogger? He also said you’re thoroughly disliked by both cast and crew. He also didn't read the script and made his statement based on one day on your set.
Part II
“This doesn't upset me at all. It's just the current state of media, and the way the game is played, especially with Gawker. “
Just remember kids, when Tucker uses “current state of the media”, he aims to change that with a movie where his character shits in a hotel lobby.
Also, “current state of media” is code for: “nobody likes me”.
“I get it, and I don't take it personally.”
No, you don’t take it personally, but your fans sure as hell do. You’re just a misunderstood, well-adjusted guy. I mean it’s just everybody else who is too thin skinned.
“Come on--how could I be upset when someone calls me an asshole,”
I dunno, you can sort of tell by doing things like… reading your response.
BTW: If it didn’t bother you, why mention it twice?
“considering that the first line on my website is "My name is Tucker Max, and I am an asshole."
And it might be the only 100% true statement Tucker has made in his literary career.
“If anything, I like what Gawker is doing. How many movies get this kind of incessant press a year from release?”
Usually it’s reserved for movies like Gigli or Battlefield Earth. Congrats Tucker, you’re running with the big boys!!
“And how great is it that a site I hate is constantly talking about me?”
Tucker hates Gawker so much that he used it as a source when they were attacking that douchebag from Atlanta, John Fitzgerald Page. Look how it worked out for Mr. Page, he got tons of movie roles after that.
“It'll never aggravate me when people talk about me, even in a negative way,”
Darn it Tucker, you’re Good Enough, you’re Smart Enough, and Doggone It, People Like You!!!!
“because like Eminem said, "I love being hated, it's great, let's me know that I made it."
Of course people know who Eminem is, and he doesn’t live with roommates in the shitty part of Los Angeles, so maybe that’s not relevant to your current situation.
“Every time Gawker breathlessly posts a fabricated email about what a jerk I am, it just throws another gasoline soaked log on the raging inferno that is my ego.”
Of course what's burning at the stake is your career. Flame on.
“But there is something about this situation that does get to me.”
Yes, it’s called “words”.
“I had trouble articulating it”
Says the New York Times Best Selling Author.
“until a few days ago when it hit me: What really pisses me off about the collection of hipster-doofus-illumnati at Gawker is not that they don't like me--they don't like anything, why should I be different--it's that they think they know what they are talking about, when in fact, they are the most clueless.”
Tucker, most of the world is clueless when talking about you, unless it’s something flattering, then “they get it”. You know who else has this philosophy? Cult members.
Perhaps if you were forthcoming and not such a liar we would all “get it” too.
Part III:
“They think they are arbiters of taste, of culture, of cool”
Much like Rudius media, only with things like… readers.
“but in reality they are nothing more than armchair critics,”
‘This is because all Hollywood movies SUCK!!!’ – Tucker Max
“sitting on the sidelines shitting on the efforts of those who try”
which beats sitting in front of your computer 20 hours a day while trying to invent a persona that nobody likes. But I guess you’re “trying”.
,”while too afraid to do anything of their own.”
Gawker: Alexa ranking: 1798,
Tucker Max: 19811.
How’s that for doing something on their own?
“To me, that sort of hypocrisy is disgusting and unforgivable.”
Hey, that’s why most of us are at TuckerMaxIsADouchebag!!!
“I could easily spend thousands of words detailing how fucked up Gawker is, “
But Tucker is REALLY lazy as a person as well as an author, so expect about 300 words and a disclaimer.
“but that's not what I want to do “
There’s the disclaimer.
“(don't get me wrong though, the pitifulness of Gawker is well-documented).”
Yes, and you can find that documentation on Tucker’s post or the website www.gawkerisadouchebag.com. Some guy named the Deconstructor Guy is pulling their stories apart.
“I want to do what no one else in my position has ever really done—“
What position is that? Sitting by your computer for 20 hours a day making up lies or standing?
“I want to hold Gawker accountable for their bullshit.”
I looked it up in Webster’s, it’s official, this is the new definition example for the word: HYPOCRISY.
“It's time someone stood up to their shameless hypocrisy and pseudo-nihilist snark.”
Tucker isn’t getting made fun of, he’s just taking one for the team, for you the masses.
“It's time someone called them out.”
That’s funny Tucker, when I read your stories I said the same thing. Why didn’t anybody call you out, not so much on your lies, but if you did say the things you write about, then why hadn’t you gotten at least a punch in the face once.
I mean besides by your father.
Part IV:
“They think they know culture,”
Yeah, Tucker has a shitty movie in less than 450 theaters and a message board of like-minded individuals. That motherfucker knows culture, just look at his ads on his site.
“they set themselves up as arbiters of success,”
I’m sorry little Mr. “I’m Going To Beat The Hangover At The Box Office”, did you say something?
“then let's see if they will put their money where their mouth is:”
Tucker, you don’t have any money. Come on, everybody knows that. Yes you made some bank, but that money is gone. You can’t even cover your bet to Mr. X. Why would somebody ever bet a known deadbeat?
Maybe in one of your stories. Hey, how’s that next book coming along?
“Gawker, your position is that I suck and my movie sucks.”
Actually dude, it’s the general population of the planet that thinks you suck, Gawker included.
“Ok, that's cool, my position is that none of you know what the fuck you are talking about.”
Trust me Gawker, I know what I’m talking about when it comes to not knowing what the fuck I’m talking about.
“So let's settle these mutually exclusive viewpoints with a very simple bet on what the box office gross of my movie will be.”
Okay, how about this, your movie will not make 500K in theaters (and I’m not counting your bus tour, and neither will the people calculating box office results).
Sorry, right, I forgot, we’ve seen how you are with paying off bets, nevermind.
“My proposed rules:
-$10,000 bet_-Gawker can pick the dollar gross amount; any number they want. They take the under and I'll take the over. _-North American box office, as reported in Variety._-Since gambling is indeed illegal,”
Ever wonder where Tucker’s money went to? He’s a horrendous gambler, just look at these terms.
“loser pays 10k to the charity of choice of the winner [for the record, my charity of choice is Hear See Hope, which battles Usher syndrome, something that afflicts the nephews of one of the producers]”
Hey, what happened to the “Getting Smashed For The Troops”? Oh, sorry, I know: FUCK YOU, BANNED!!!
“However Gawker wants to structure it is fine with me, if they want to add things, whatever, I don't care, I'll probably accept.”
He’ll probably accept because he’ll never pay regardless.
“-The budget on the movie is less than 10 million._-With a standard distribution deal, we will go into real profit at 20 million gross, depending on various factors. [That's a conservative number--we may get into profit earlier than that, but 20 million is the number where there's no way we won't be in profit.]_-There are no big name actors in the movie (you can see the cast on IMDB)._-It will be an R rated movie_-As it stands now, I am the biggest advertising draw about the movie (my book has sold about 400k copies, and is currently #4 on the NY Times Best Seller List)_-They can just pick the gross at which the movie goes into profit, not thinking it'll even do that, or they can be a fucking jackass and pick a ridiculous number like 300 million.”
Wait, dude, didn’t you say your film would make over 300 million dollars?
I'm so confused!!!
Part V:
“I don't care--I'll take the bet regardless.”
Which is why Tucker is broke.
“I just want them to pick a number they don't think my movie has ANY chance of hitting, so when they lose, they are not only embarrassed, they will have to re-check all their assumptions about life and culture.”
You were the guy who predicted it would beat The Hangover. Hey Tucker, are you not only embarrassed but are you re-checking all your assumptions about life and culture yet?
“-And remember: We don't even have a distributor yet. If we don't get theatrical release, or just a small release and then straight to DVD, Gawker wins.”
A rolling release then straight to DVD. GAWKER WINS!!!!!
“Of course, if I were you, I'd probably think twice about venturing anywhere beyond the safety of blog snark. Your record of failure outside that area is long and illustrious.”
Speaking of long and illustrious records of failure outside their message board….
“EDIT: Oh look, GAWKER ANGRY! GAWKER SMASH! TUCKER BAD, GAWKER GOOD!! “
You know it’s getting to Tucker when he reverts to his real persona.
“Yes, yes, I know, you are a much better person than me and it must be so hard to even see me from the heights of your pedestal, but no one cares dipshit. Either take the bet or turn the bet down. The time for worthless talk is over.”
Worthless Talk = A guy on the internet making a bet.
“EDIT 2: Gawker accepts. Just got this email:
Hi Tucker
You've thrown us a bit of a curve ball as we were winding down for the weekend when your post hit the wires. A bit of a quick discussion amongst staffers, as well as firing it to the moneymen at the top and we made a very quick decision.
I'm pleased to announce that we would be more than happy to accept your bet, and we'd like to put the magic number at $18 million.
We can work out finer details next week, such as the charity we're choosing and anything else. Please feel free to email me back if you want to clarify anything, and feel free to run this post, we'll be putting up something ourselves soon.
May the best man, or douchebag, win..
Regards,_Hamilton Nolan”
“Awesome. 18 million it is. Glad to see they stepped up, unlike hipster god Michael Ian Black.”
Tucker, until I see the billboard that you lost your bet with Mr. X on, then nobody will bet you. You’re an internet deadbeat.
By the way, Michael Ian Black has had 3 shows on Comedy Central and people like his work. How does that feel?
“EDIT 3: OK, so I got fooled.”
Wow, I bet that guy who fooled you had a better pedigree then you.
-TDG
“Every time Gawker breathlessly posts a fabricated email about what a jerk I am, it just throws another gasoline soaked log on the raging inferno that is my ego.”
Of course what's burning at the stake is your career. Flame on.
Nice one.
“Ok, that's cool, my position is that none of you know what the fuck you are talking about.”
Trust me Gawker, I know what I’m talking about when it comes to not knowing what the fuck I’m talking about.
Dude, that's a classic line.
Great job TDG. You and the Fake Tucker Story Guy (FTSG) are bloody great reads.
"6,500 posts? Wow, you cats have some serious issues."
Yeah, I know, we really need our own message board. It really is a serious issue at this point.
"You state that the movie is destined to fail because you claim every ditributor in Hollywood passed on the movie, forcing Tucker to got the DIY route via Freestyle."
No, reality is stating it, because that's what fucking happened.
"How do you know there weren't offers from majors?"
I'm sure there were, just like Tucker getting 10 figures to sell his franchise, but turning it down because he loves his fans too much to sell out.
One sec broseph... cough... cough... FUCKING BULLSHIT YOU DUMBFUCK... cough...
Sorry, where were we?
"Maybe the team didn't like the terms outlined in those offers and decided to use Freestyle so that they can control both the creative side and the financial side."
Maybe, but Tucker isn't in control of the financial side, Darko is. Do you think Darko, whose money people were skeptical of Tucker in the first place, are going to risk their investment on a bus tour when they could make the money back up front while getting less of a back end? I'm sure their investors would LOVE to hear it if this scenerio you wish happend actually happened. Darko wouldn't be able to raise another dime from their current investors (who don't like THEIR money gambled with).
"Ever hear of a reverse rollout? What about films like My Big Fat Greek Wedding??
That actually had ads on television and a huge advance budget behind them as opposed to IHTSBIH which doesn't have their trailer done yet and won't be able to get that trailer into the theaters... EVER?
"Let's examine it for a minute. Budget was $5,000,000 (estimated) blah blah blah) "
Hey, guess what? Chicks like movies about weddings. Unlike IHTSBIH more people can empathize with an overweight unattractive woman falling in love with the man of her dreams while becoming a better person in the process. Especially when it's done in a well written, well produced, well directed project.
In opposition you have a character that maybe .01% of the country can root for. It's like people would go to see Pretty In Pink just because they want to see James Spader get the last laughs as he makes fun of an unattractive high school girl. Yeah, people will really empathize with that character, especially when done in a trainwreck of a script that has it's creator working against it.
"Who distributed this film? Must be a HUGE well known company, RIGHT? How about IFC films. Yeah, I never heard of them either."
You mean IFC, who owns it's own network, produces more films in a year then Freestyle has combined, and TURNED DOWN TUCKER MAX'S FILM?
Sorry dude, you walked right into that one.
"So how did this happen? Simple. Word of mouth. "
Yeah, like all that good press on IMDB and Gawker will do great box office from everybody who reads that.
"People responded to the story and the characters. They told there friends, who in turn told their friends."
In this case, what if people are responding with "Who the fuck is Matt Whocry" or "God that looks horrible" or "Tucker Max? That sounds like a tampon for a tranny"?
"Now imagine if some people were smart enough to take a film on the road, cross country, pre-threatrical release and whet the whisltes of a rabid fan base. Hmmmmm. Noboby is THAT smart."
And what if the studios already realize that he's going to saturate his already niche market by showing it to his rabid fans first? And that perhaps it's a bad movie where those rabid fans will have already seen it and that Tucker has a toxic reputation to those studios already?
"Lesson to be learned? "
Yes, Tucker Max is a delusional douchebag.
"Tucker, Nils and Sean will be a very rich men this time next year. Now ask yourself this simple question. What will YOU be this time next year."
Happy and employable.
-TDG
The 6.500 post guy? I thought for sure that had to be sarcasm aimed at Tucker until there was no punchline at the end. I had to read it three times to realize he was serious... then I put two and two together...
no punchline at the end = Rudius
Thank goodness Tucker wasn't running Hollywood in the 1920's. He would have fired Charlie Chaplin for all the hijinx.
“Ok, that's cool, my position is that none of you know what the fuck you are talking about.”
Trust me Gawker, I know what I’m talking about when it comes to not knowing what the fuck I’m talking about.
_____
That sentence is just great.
Ok, question for everybody. Who here also reads Roissy in DC?
Roissy doesn't seem to elicit the same dedicated contempt. What (if anything) is objectionable about Tucker that is not objectionable about Roissy? Is it just entirely that Tucker is a wannabe and a liar?
Let's not forget about Tucker's amazing Co-writer Nils Parker. Drunkasaurus Rex aka "DRex"- The stupid nickname should be an obvious warning sign to anyone. "Douchebag Over Here!!" Another Tucker Max idolizer/dicksucker/groupie this tool tries his best to imitate the talentless F-list hack in lifestyle,outlook and writing. And even though its hard to do, he manages to write worse than Tucker
He was a Tucker Messageboard groupie who Tucker used to rank on constantly. Way to find a collaborator Tucker!
Epic loser. Good job quitting that law program, how long before your wife divorces you? Oh wait, I forgot you're creating the next amazing revolution in Hollywood!
And he is fat. Like Orca fat.
Fat drunk & douche is no way to go thru life.
Nils seems alright in my eyes. Are they law school bros or what? How did the really meet?
I find it odd that the people who frequent this blog think that Tucker or any of his message board members would spend even a minute looking at this site.
For starters this place is so biased and uninspired. We get it, you don't like Tucker Max.
Tucker is in the middle of planning the marketing for his films release, planning a tour and god knows how many other things relating to the film and other projects. Do you really think he has time to read your snarky bullshit?
"I find it odd that the people who frequent this blog think that Tucker or any of his message board members would spend even a minute looking at this site."
You mean besides yourself?
"For starters this place is so biased and uninspired. We get it, you don't like Tucker Max."
I know, and we get it, you like Tucker Max. He's Bill Brasky to you guys. Since there's no chance of legit discussion over there (at least not since 2006), then where does one go?
"Tucker is in the middle of planning the marketing for his films release, planning a tour and god knows how many other things relating to the film and other projects. Do you really think he has time to read your snarky bullshit?"
I dunno, but it's funny that you use "snarky". That's a Tucker Max/Ryan Holliday word. So yes, I'm going to say yes, he does have time to read my snarky bullshit. So there.
By the way, can't wait to file share your movie!!!!
Nils Parker was a fan/groupie/stalker/loser on the original Tucker Max Messageboard. That is how he met Tucker. No joke.
Inspired way to meet a co-writer. It would be like a musician writing songs with one of their groupies.
PS. Fat AND UGLY. Have you seen pictures of the guy. Poor wife. Good thing for her she won't be around for long.
"I find it odd that the people who frequent this blog think that Tucker or any of his message board members would spend even a minute looking at this site."
You fucking idiot, I know of at least 10 regular RMMB members who post here and IMDB, and guess what? We're not singing Tucker's praises, this is just the place we come to vent. Just because you're not part of the group doesn't mean it doesn't exist.
Don't fool yourself, there's a lot of people who are former fans who are still posting on Tucker's board and come here to laugh AT him and vent.
Since Ryan Holiday's forever unemployable in LA outside of Tucker or busing tables, I'll offer him a chance to pick up some quick cash. I'll wager $100 and a delicious doorstop for your crummy ol' danish that BIH's domestic gross is less than the movie "It's Pat."
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/It's_Pat
If BIH surpasses $60,822, I lose. I'd call out Tucker on this, but as noted previously he doesn't pay. I pay. It's easy, just come here and say "yes". Easiest hundred and doorstop you'll ever make.
Why does this blog exist?
Imagine you're a waitress struggling to make ends meet working a double shift to take care of your children when the door to your place of work opens and three drunk and loud pricks stumble in.
"8:49: We walk to a pasta bar for dinner. The waitress is immediately displeased by our behavior, "We usually don't get people as drunk as you coming in here." I decide her attitude needs an adjustment, "Do you know who these guys are? They routinely risk their lives so you are free to toss your fat ass around Lincoln Park like some haughty tramp, and you question them? Woman, get us some food and liquor, and be quick about it."
Imagine your an overweight woman having a tough day so you decide to stop at a McDonalds when the same three pricks walk in and stand behind you.
"8:58: We go to McDonald's. The woman in front of me in line spends more than 5 seconds contemplating her order. This infuriates me, "WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING FOR?, MC-SEABASS?? IT'S THE GODDAMN MCDONALD'S MENU, IT'S BEEN THE SAME FOR TEN YEARS! IT'S ALL MCSHIT! JUST ORDER!"
8:59: She quickly departs the restaurant. One might have described her departure as "fleeing in terror."
Now imagine you are workers at that same Mcdonalds. You are not people born into priviledge and your family doesn't have homes in Aspen and Boca, you are just people trying to work for a living.
"9:00: I don't know what I want. I just point at the Dollar Menu and say, "Give me all of that."
9:05: I am displeased with what I get. I try to send back certain items, like the apple pie. The 14 year-old Mexican boy working the Friday late shift doesn't understand. I get frustrated and just throw everything I don't like on the floor.
9:07: We decide to play Rich's favorite game: Window Pickle Races.
9:09: We have about 8 pickles on the window, each making ketchup and mustard streaked trips to the bottom. We argue about who owns each pickle. These become intense and profanity laced arguments. Military guys use very creative curse words. I didn't even know I had a "cock-holster" or a "man-pleaser."
9:14: The last people finally flee in terror. The restaurant is empty. We taunt them, and cheer as they leave. They, along with their small children, are all cowards.
9:15: The manager comes out and asks us to leave. Eddie is confused, "We can't get kicked out of McDonald's? This is like the DMZ of drunk eating. THIS IS WHY WE CAME HERE!"
9:16: The manager is a frail Mexican woman. She is scared of us. She goes behind the counter, then tells us to leave again. She waves the phone at us, threatening police intervention. We go."
Picking on women and teenagers. Making people feel uncomfortable in places they should feel safe?
And, this is just a few minutes in the life of this dickhead.
Anyone who supports or defends this guy needs to rethink their entire life.
That's why these blogs exist. Don't shed a tear for Tucker Max.
^^^It's true. Tucker claims there's this deeper level of meaning behind his silly, nasty stories- this whole 'be yourself, don't let someone else define you' nonsense. But what does that yield? In Tucker's case, a self-centered, obnoxious jagoff who does whatever pleases him with no regard for the well-being of others. Is this supposed to be Tucker's powerful, empowering message to the masses? Tho whole point of learning to be a conscientious, responsible adult IS learning how to be the kind of person who is able to get along in society, helping others and being an asset to community instead of a detriment to it. Tucker's completely full of shit, but we already knew that.
7/09/2009 8:11 PM:
Yes.
I, Tucker Max, who am certainly not an impostor, accept your bet. I will be giving you the address of a post office box that is located in Northern Virginia to send the money to. It will not be located in Los Angeles, nor Chicago, nor Boca Raton, because I am Tucker Max, and not an impostor.
I, Tucker Max, sincerely hope this gesture of honesty and goodwill stands as a first step towards building a bridge to all the people I have offended over the years. If there's money in it. And said money can be diverted to me. Who am certainly not an impostor.
Usually I wouldn't bothe to comment on Tucker's blog posts because (1) I don't have 1/10th the talent of TDG and (2) everyone knows he's full of shit anyway. Tucker's most recent post, however, begs comment. And that comment is: ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?? That's it, Tucker has given up, we've won, he's not even going to make the most token effort to make the emails he "receives" from "fans" the least bit believable. Jesus H. Christ, Tucker, the least you could do when lying to your elevens of fans is to not employ the most sophmoric, ripped-off-from-Gomer- Pyle rerun stereotypes of soldiers, who you allegedly respect so much, when crafting a fake email that reiterates all the points you've been making for the past two months. I'd be pisard about the absurdity of the email if I weren't so absolutely disgusted by the laziness in Tucker it represents.
For shame, sir, for shame.
^^^
Oops, that should read "pissed about the absurdity". Damn BlackBerry
"The Tucker Movie just kept on hitting you over and over again."
Actually, that part sounds about right.
From Fuckermax.blogspot.com
part 1
Now read this and tell me for a moment you find any possible plausable way to believe this was not , every single word, written by Tucker Max himself rather than the so called "Army officer". This is from Tucker pathteically bad and self indulgent movie blog :
-----------------------
I just got this email from the Army officer who set up the screening for deploying soldiers at Fort Bragg. When it's all said and done, this is the type of feedback that makes all the bullshit worthwhile:
"Dude, Hope all is well. I'm sure it's very hectic but satisfying work. I just wanted to shoot you a quick one to let you know something a paratrooper told me today. Trust me. It's awesome.
I was waiting to jump out of a plane today so I basically sat around for a long time. A private came up to me, it was his first jump in division, and said something pretty awesome. Mind you, he is about 19 yrs old, out grew up in "the country parts of the US" and had NEVER EVEN HEARD OF THE BOOK other than buzz from another soldier he lived by. He attended the screening cause his friends claimed it would be awesome. He also had a very surprising critical sense (for a cherry 19 yr old) in comparing the films.
He said, (all in an extremely southern twang accent): "Sarrr, I jis wann thank you fur dat movie you had dere for us."
Me: "Yea no problem dude"
[digress from the accent] "See sir, the thing is I saw The Hangover about a week after. I mean, it was ok. But compared to the Tucker Movie, [this is the only name he knew it by] it was boring.
The Tucker Movie just kept on hitting you over and over again. I barely had time to catch my breath from laughin sarr. Hangover just kinda moved slowly. Hangover also was unrealistic sarr. The Tucker Movie was real and truly funny. I mean Hangover just kinda got slapstick after a while. I like the Mike Tyson part but other than that I wasn't really able to enjoy it after the Tucker Movie."
Me: "So you're basically telling me that you blew your load with 'The Tucker Movie' and everything else you've seen just ain't cutting it?"
Him: "Yes sarr! I did! I mean I wish i could see it again and again. It was just hilarious. And others i see just don't match up."
Me: "Well it'll come out eventually and you'll get your chance."
Him: " I hope so sarr, everyone keeps talkin bout it tho in battalion. I even told my dad and family on block leave how awesome it was. He couldn't believe that the guy came down to do it for us. I told him that it was great and he's definitely gonna see it when it comes out."
He spent the next 20 minutes going line by line through the movie reliving everything from the [redacted] scene to the [redacted] scene to everything else. This guy was nervous for his first jump all day but he just lit up when talking about the movie.
I'll be heading out on [date redacted] to [place redacted]. Wish nothing but the best for you before this comes out. Thanks again for the screening, This week I'm only starting to breach the surface of how much the guys loved it.
------------------------------
part 2 (this is not TDG ...and is not trying to be...can't wait for his take on this )
I'll leave the deconstruction to those who have the time and talent..but come on Tucker ?
Nothing about this reads sincerely. Are you really so narcicistic you can't see how non sociopathic people can immedietly discern how nobody is going to sit talking to their boss for no reason at all about the comparisson of your movie to another. How nobody is going to care enough or take is so too heart that they just need to get off their chest what an injustice it is that your movie is better than the hangover , if indeed it was any good. So badly this hurts them they just have to tell someone in authority immedietly ....it's so important !!
Only in Tucker imaginary world do people run around campaigning one comedy against another. Only in Tuckers imaginary world is he helping the troops on such a very personal level that they're so touched it's him who keeps them going in the cold desert nights. I mean this is so fucking laughable.....and look how it's written. Trust me . It's Awesome ? Laughable stereotypical caratures ?
Beyond that the guy just happens to be a casual "never heard of Tucker" guy , yet seems to coincidentally just happen to make all the movie points that Tucker has been making in his long winded casual conversaton WITH HIS SUPERIOR about a movie he has no investment in ?
No Tucker...you wrote this ! I would bet anything in the world on it. Stop insulting our and the troops intelligence by trying to mangle yourself some kind of niche market you machiavellian sinister fuck.
I won't go into the fact he liters the rest of the post calling himself an "Artist" again. I mean fuck....ever hear Hunter S Thompson going on about being an artist ? No ? Wonder why ? Here's why...the guy was sincere and actally living the life he claimed he was. No self respecting care free guy nihilistically raging through lifewith booze and endless sex has the time or inclination to stop and tell everyone "I'm an artist"......and if they did they're get told to "shut the fuck up you douchebag ! You write fucking penthouse letters sprinkled with the odd fart joke that are about as artistic as Ron Jeremy. "
You see, you either care or you don't Tucker. And the real life Tucker obsessed with himself and his image does not bare any resemblence to the so called care free guy you write about. You're missing the point...the Tucker people liked to imagine you are is a self depreciating guy. Not some muppet who takes himself seriously as an "artist" and a "revolutionary". And you were doing well at pulling that off until you started writing your douchy movie blog and wanked your real personality all over the place. Now you're there for the whole world to see....and we're not much impressed. Not much impressed at fucking all.
Sorry for the spelling errors....Tucker's not worth my time proofreading.
We're waiting for the Tucker fan boys to chime in, "How do you know Tucker wrote that letter?"
That soldier's letter isn't just bullshit, it's Tucker Max bullshit.
I am the ORIGINAL DECONSTRUCTOR (OD), since I deconstructed one of Tucker's posts on his movie blog more than a year ago. There it is again, although I have to break it into parts since blogger now forbids posts with more than 4096 characters.
ORIGINAL DECONSTRUCTOR: PART I
Even if Tucker has failed at almost everything he started, he nevertheless is a master sophist. It must be his extensive training in Economics. Bear with me and take a look:
> It is an axiom in Hollywood that not only are
> A-List actors needed to open
> movies, in fact the only reason people go see
> movies at all is because of the
> actors (or sometimes the director).
Who says that? Tucker starts his post by expressing an opinion very few people in Hollywood agree with so he can express his disagreement. He must be listening a lot of sports radio.
> I cannot tell you how many times I have
> heard this; from financiers, from other
> producers, from studios, even from other
> actors (not to mention all the random noise
> on the internet). It is the definition of
> conventional wisdom.
Tucker is the only one who knows the truth; everybody else is wrong. It is the definition of delusion. By the way, random noise on the Internet cannot be used to infer anything meaningful Tucker could argue against, because by definition it is noisy and random.
> For most of my life, I have made a living
> going against conventional wisdom,
> especially when it stands in opposition to
> something I want to do
No kidding! Who made a living going against conventional wisdom if it didn't stand in opposition to something they wanted to do.
> after looking at the evidence, I have come to
> the conclusion that the
> conventional wisdom in Hollywood is wrong.
What evidence? What Tucker disagrees with is not conventional wisdom in Hollywood.
> I believe that if the underlying material is
> good enough i.e., the story and
> the writing you only need quality actors,
> not big name actors.
This is common knowledge, although good underlying material with good big name actors do fare even better at the box office.
> I think it's very clear that the viewing
> patterns of the American public are
> telling us that people want great stories,
> and don't really care as much about
> big actors anymore.
What viewing patterns? While it is true that the American public likes great stories (always have, always will), it is untrue that they do not care about big name actors. I could list hundreds of counter-examples.
> Don't think I'm right? OK, who were the name
> actors in Juno? Who were the name
> actors in American Pie? In Big Fat Greek
> Wedding? In 300? How many of Judd
> Apatow's movies had stars in them?
No one disagrees with you. This being said, how many shitty films without good actors have been successful at the box office? Not many. By the way Tucker, if you want to prove that big actors do not matter, it is insufficient to cite a few movies without big stars.
Theorem:
Apples cannot be red.
Proof:
I just bought a green apple.
If this is the kind of stuff they teach in Economics at the University of Chicago, no wonder our country is on the verge of bankruptcy.
ORIGINAL DECONSTRUCTOR: PART II
> Shit, just look at the list of the highest
> grossing R comedies. How many were star
> driven? By my count, 1, the very top one,
> Wedding Crashers.
By my count, the last third of Wedding Crashers was excruciating to watch. The movie would have been far less successful without its stars.
> the examples of hugely successful movies
> WITHOUT big name actors is actually
> larger than the ones with.
I disagree with this statement, but whether I agree or not is irrelevant because in both instances the number of unsuccessful movies WITHOUT big name actors is orders of magnitude larger.
> Not only does THR know this, even Time
> Magazine knows this
This has to be a conspiracy, since Time Magazine is owned by Time Warner. How can Time Magazine know the truth while everybody at Warner Bros and in Hollywood remain in the dark? That's right, there is no conspiracy. Everybody
knows the truth, and like Don Quichotte, Tucker Max keeps fighting with invisible foes. For those who might not know how this masterpiece ends, Don Quichotte ostracizes himself from everybody except is only friend Sancho. Everybody makes fun of the old man. Draw your own conclusions.
By the way, it is so funny how Tucker keeps bashing "old" media but cites them
every time they agree with him. Talk about confirmation bias...
> Are there actors who, just by their name
> alone, can open movies? Of
> course. Will Smith and Adam Sandler are
> obvious examples. But my point is NOT
> that big name actors can't open movies at all
I thought that his point was that big name actors did not matter. Tucker contradicts his own argument here.
> it's that they aren't NEEDED to open movies
> or make successes. The evidence of this is
> simply overwhelming.
Everybody knows that it can be done with a good script, a good director, and good actors. Tucker argues with himself again.
> Now, actors are mainly free agents,and
> studios have stopped being brands.
I disagree with this statement. Actors are still very powerful brands.
> Studios made so much shit for so many
> years, and audiences got burnt so many times
> that they stopped trusting that a
> name meant something
Yet another disagreement with tucker. Studios and people that made more good movies than bad ones are still trusted and monetize that trust all the time. Apatow, that Tucker cited above, can afford making a bad movie once in a while because he made so many good ones. His name, or brand, is now very powerful. Unless he screws up big time, a lot people will watch Apatow's movies because they have a good chance of being good.
> Plainly put, the entertainment world has
> changed.
No kidding! Who disagrees with this truism?
> the amazing decline of Will Ferrell's career
> is a perfect example.
Say what you want about Ferrell's recent career choices, he still generates a lot of money for himself and his employers. This being said, even if Tucker's opinion of Ferrell is true, it is still insufficient to prove that branding does not matter, but merely that bad decisions can diminish the value of a brand.
> Judging whether or not a script or a story is
> good, BEFORE the fact, is extremely
> difficult.
Most of the very bad scripts and stories are very easy to discard.
> Some say it's impossible (I tend to disagree, > but whatever).
Who says that? That's right, Tucker just did... He found a way to argue with himself using only two sentences.
ORIGINAL DECONSTRUCTOR: PART III
> Decision theory teaches that when evidence
> related to a decision is non-existent
> or weak, the decision-maker's prior beliefs
> will influence the ultimate decision.
I will let you guess what I do for a living, but like all the economists who
failed to see how much havoc the housing bubble would cause, Tucker spends too much time playing with complicated theoretical models he does not fully understand and not enough time thinking in what real life situations they can be applied. In Tucker's case it means arguing the decadence and hubris of Hollywood instead of objectively assessing the value of his own script.
Pseudo scientists are constantly using complicated vocabulary (Turing machines, Ryan?) to support their arguments and think that reading a few books can replace, say, ten years of medical school.
> Even when it's a terrible indicator, it's
> better than nothing to someone with
> no other guide.
This is absolutely false. Blind faith in a bad model is much worse than having no model.
> Star power used to matter, and it
> is something that can be quantified,
> if imprecisely, and so people rely on it
I disagree again. Star power still matters. In fact, one could easily argue that star power is even more important now than ever before with the multiplication of entertainment sources. This is even true of Tucker: he has star power for some people, which partly explains why they still visit his site even after two years without new material.
> This is also why Hollywood is so keen on
> making movies out of existing
> properties recently, like Harry Potter or
> comic books, because again it's
> something they can quantify.
They can quantify that they will make a lot of money by doing so. Come on, Tucker, Rowling sold millions and millions of books. It would have been mentally retarded for Hollywood to pass on this.
> This is what happens when you ask suits to
> make artistic decisions: You get
> decisions based on whatever metrics they can
> grab onto,
There are exceptions, like Pixar for instance, but for most of the large studios, the only metric that matters is whether or not a movie can make money. If the movie has artistic value on top of it, then great, but it is much easier to make a profitable movie than to make a masterpiece.
> instead of an underlying understanding of
> what makes a movie into art.
Tucker keeps talking about art. His stories are still about getting drunk, insulting people and hooking up with girls with low self esteem.
> From day one with this movie, we decided to
> rely on the quality of our material
> and not big name actors to drive our success
> (mainly for reasons related to economics and > creative direction).
I do not believe you, but somehow you convinced yourself. This is so laughable, that if I could, I would bet everything I own that you would have casted big name actors had the opportunity arisen. Like you would have refused to cast Scarlett Johansson for creative reasons.
> Time will tell whether this strategy works
> out for this specific movie, but the evidence
> is pretty clear that in the aggregate, it is
> a strategy that can and has worked
> many many times.
Again, no one disagrees with you besides yourself. The strategy has indeed worked many many times, but I doubt it will work for your movie.
ORIGINAL DECONSTRUCTOR: PART IV
> EDIT: Another NY Times piece supporting my
> position that I forgot to link.
The NY Times is validating Tucker. For once, an old media got it right.
To conclude this treaty on a more personal note, Tucker, I know you read this site. I think many people agree with you in principle. This being said, we think your material is far from being as good as you think it is, and that you keep distorting the reality to convince you otherwise. Just read the scripts of American Pie, Super Bad and IHTSBIH back to back to back. Ouch! I used to be a big fan of yours when I first discovered your site years ago. You best stories were an entertaining read, and your I-follow-my-own-path attitude spoke to me in some way. Your message board was also an interesting place, and I posted there several times. Unfortunately, you lost all ability to objectively judge your own work and at the same time started judging other people's opinions purely based on whether they validated your own. I give up on you. Good luck Don Quichotte.
I am The Other Deconstructor (TOD), and I made a post deconstructing Tucker in a comment thread somewhere once!
I am Another Deconstructor Guy (ADG), and I made several posts in this thread!
I am FunnyPostGuy (FPG), and I made the posts in this thread that were funny! Yes, all of them!
I am TATguy, and I approve of you all thinking about Tucker!
I am Taintguy, and I'm here to say that if your mouth isn't filling up, you're not sucking on the butthole hard enough!
I am BaylorGuy, and Baylor is a good school, goddammit.
I am Ryan Holiday, and Jesus Christ it's amazing to me how much nonsense you guys can put together out of nothing and wrong impressions.
I am Anonymous, and I am a liar!
No _I_ am Anonymous, and *you*'re the liar!
I'm KungFu Mike, and I can kick all your asses, just like I kicked Cloud's and left him bleeding in the street with three concussions and fifteen broken bones and a new appreciation for the MAN in his life. Also, my girlfriend's pregnant, and I have no fucking idea what to do.
I am Viacomguy, and Tucker is the pawn of the Federal Reserve conspiracy by the Bilderbergers to brainwash us all with Gossip Girl reruns into buying third-rate soap!
I hate Jews, and therefore I conclude that Tucker is Jewish!
"Jewish" is a wussy wimpy sissy word! Just look at it!
JEWGOLD
I have muscles!
i am poast poaster and i hurf blurf
Hey guys, Tucker here. You fuckers are all such a bunch of total retards. At the end of the day, I've DONE what I said I would set out to do. I MADE my movie. And I fucked more girls than all of you put together. When you get old enough, you figure it out: that's life. I've lived life. I have no regrets.
Now, how about that soup?
I'll have a turtle soup, and make it snappy.
I'm Bunny. I'm so nice. Why does my ass hurt so much?
I just happened to receive an unsolicited email from an army officer. I had to fish it out of my spam box, but here goes:
"Dude,
Hope all is well. I just wanted to shoot you a quick one to let you know something a paratrooper told me today. Trust me, I have no reason to lie to you. It's awesome.
I was waiting to jump out of a plane today so I basically sat around for a long time, with absolutely no prep work or oversight needed with the assorted grunts and non-comm fuckups. A private came up to me, it was his first jump for Desert Storm division, and said something pretty awesome. That's right, he came straight up to me, unprompted and unsolicited, and proceeded to engage in a light and personal conversation with a superior officer as if I gave a fuck about the enlisted men. Anyway, he is about 19 yrs old, grew up in Bumfuck, Indiana and proceeded to tell me that he has NO KNOWLEDGE OF THE TUCKER MAX BOOK IHTSBIH. Can you believe it? He has no idea that book even exists, and yet he mentioned to me he's unaware of its existence. Fucking unbelievable.
Despite my necessary extensive training of 16 hours a day in Special Military Ops, being commanding officer of Commando Platoon, Badass Company, I too was unaware of the existence of that book. Ignoring my required duties and rigorous training schedule, I immediately did research on the existence of IHTSBIH. Sure enough, it was right there on Amazon, just as the private had no knowledge of. With his extensive ignorance now obvious, he was promoted to Captain and assigned to Military Intelligence. Despite the fact I'm a Major, I now have to answer to the little prick. All day I hear him on the compound barking to the pups, "If it moves, salute it. If it doesn't move, pick it up. If you can't pick it up, paint it." That aside, this is where it get's awesome.
IHTSBIH is not just a book, it's also a movie! I didn't know that and I still don't! I know I don't know this, because Capt. Bumfuck and the MI boys briefed us about the existence of unknown books and movies that we shouldn't be aware of. Can you fucking believe it? I'm still totally blown away by the fact we don't know the known exists... so fucking deep dude... like a Vietnamese hooker in '68, you know what I mean? Anyway, they couldn't tell us any more about other books and films they didn't know about, because those too have been published and screened all over the world. We get an update on all those in next week's Black Op Marpat brief. Those are fun, they're a QWERTY alt of a KBS, but YKWIM.
Our MI briefs take place in a hangar, and when it was over they screened a movie for the toadstools, non-comms and butter bars. Those collective idiots blew their load watching The Hangover, leaving the hangar calling it the greatest comedy since The Incredible Mr. Limpet. Now that was one fucking great picture, Don Knotts really knew his stuff. It's universally known that military people are the greatest judges of artistic expression in the world. We're creators, not destroyers, so you can take my word for it. The Hangover rules. One cpl. asked Capt. Bumfuck when they would get to see IHTSBIH, but Bumfuck answered, "We don't have any knowledge of that." I had no idea what he meant, if you know what I mean.
Anyway, I'll be heading out on August 19 at 0:900, 29º01'27.90" N 47º54'40.16" E to interrogate a guy named Ali Wah Behn who lives at 666 Cameltoe Way. He doesn't know we're coming, so keep that on the QT. Wish me luck, the bastard has no idea what we won't be talking about.
Later"
"Hey guys, Tucker here. You fuckers are all such a bunch of total retards. At the end of the day, I've DONE what I said I would set out to do. I MADE my movie. And I fucked more girls than all of you put together. When you get old enough, you figure it out: that's life. I've lived life. I have no regrets."
I'm hoping I detect sarcasm.
I love the assumption that since we post on the internet we must not be getting any or doing anything.
As opposed to the guy posting on his message board every single day.
I'm not here on the weekends. I'm only posting casually from work. But yet somehow the raging, drinking, partier finds time to post on weekends, holidays, every day.
I think it's debatable who has more time on their hands.
"When you get old enough, you figure it out: that's life."
You might be Tucker. He would use a colon where a semi-colon is clearly called for.
And by made the movie you mean get kicked off the set because you're interfering too much?
"Sarrr, I jis wann thank you fur dat movie you had dere for us."
This is what gives away that Tucker is writing an e-mail from himself to himself [Man is this guy a loon or what?]
In his book, this is how he describes virtually everyone. A country person talks in a hick drawl, an Asian person speaks broken English, A black women talks like Aunt Jamima.
What could be a more classic sign that he met none of these people than when he creates the characters he falls onto stereotypes for the dialogue?
Jimmy the Greek, your ideas intrigue me, and I wish to subscribe to your newsletter.
OD, you’ve really inspired me with your latest posts, so I am going to try and take it to a new level on this post and try a more academic approach then my regular “Tucker is a liar” theme. Thank you for your excellent work.
78 Days out: Why you make art - July 9, 2009 07:54 PM
In this episode we’ll examine how a guy who wrote a book about a guy who shit in a hotel lobby considers himself as an artist.
“I just got this email from the Army officer who set up the screening for deploying soldiers at Fort Bragg.”
They Jewed me down to having to pay 15 dollars to pay for my art, but fuck them, I’m one up on those dumbasses, they didn’t get and SWAG. Fuck you Gomer Pyle, or whatever the Army’s equivilent to Gomer Pyle is.
“When it's all said and done, this is the type of feedback that makes all the bullshit worthwhile:”
It’s also bullshit, since Tucker wrote it.
I agree with OD’s assessment that Tucker has become a literal version of Don Quioxte. He’s in a game of one up-manship with people who don’t even know or care he’s playing a game of one up-manship.
Tucker must have gotten royally fucked by Jamie Tarses. Think about it for a moment, since his TV show imploded, he’s been on this quest to remake Hollywood into somebody who respects the artist. It’s the overwhelming theme of 95% of his posts. Since Hollywood rejected him, he’s going to get even with them and show them how it’s really done. I think he’s wrong since Hollywood does respect an actual ARTIST, and Tucker is not one of them.
This has been the reinvention of the calmer, nicer Tucker, and the invention of the “TUCKER LETTER”.
The Tucker Letter is a fabrication that only Tucker, TheBunny and maybe 50% of his message board believe is real. Even Nils has to know something is up.
What the Tucker Letter entails is basically the equal to the chorus in Greek Theater. Whenever the author of a play wanted to reiterate their points, they’d have a bunch of people standing behind the actors who would parrot the points. Later the use of a chorus was discontinued because writers became better at their craft and could use less obvious devices in order to hit their points home.
Congratulations Tucker Max, you are using a long dead writer's device that is even less effective then it was in the days of the ancient Greeks.
"Dude, Hope all is well. I'm sure it's very hectic but satisfying work.”
Ah yes, Tucker says in prior posts how the work of a producer is very hectic, but also satisfying. Somehow this random guy parrots what Tucker has said previously.
“I just wanted to shoot you a quick one”
I’m sorry, this line is hysterical. It’s like Tucker wants to fuck himself, literally.
Part II:
“to let you know something a paratrooper told me today. Trust me. It's awesome.”
Yep, it’s definitely Tucker: the “trust me” line cemented it.
“I was waiting to jump out of a plane today so I basically sat around for a long time. A private came up to me, it was his first jump in division, and said something pretty awesome. Mind you, he is about 19 yrs old, out grew up in "the country parts of the US" and had NEVER EVEN HEARD OF THE BOOK other than buzz from another soldier he lived by. He attended the screening cause his friends claimed it would be awesome. He also had a very surprising critical sense (for a cherry 19 yr old) in comparing the films.”
Notice how Tucker emphasizes that he NEVER EVEN HEARD OF THE BOOK. It’s a typical Tucker lie. Basically he’s saying even though the kid never read the book, he thinks the movie is completely awesome. Of course he also cements the kids excellent “critical sense” by saying it’s “very surprising”. Which could mean a lot of things, like maybe he likes John Waters films, which would be surprising as fuck considering Tucker set him up as a dumb hick.
“He said, (all in an extremely southern twang accent): "Sarrr, I jis wann thank you fur dat movie you had dere for us."
Yep, this is Tucker alright, right down to his use of () for describing the character's voice, even though he’ll write the character in a really badly done stereotypical way of speaking. Reread some of Tucker’s stories and you’ll see this is pretty much how he writers every single one of his “comical” characters.
The Crackhead at the hockey game is an excellent example of this.
Tucker has not grown as a writer, nor is he aware enough of his own writing that he uses the exact same devices in the exact same places he does in other stories. All his characters not only sound the same, but they react the same in every story. He simply cannot write outside his own voice. Now, his voice works well if you’re some guy telling a story to friends at a bar, or if you write a book of unconnected short stories, but this is poison if you’re writing around the same theme (in this case, it’s that the movie is excellent and here are a bunch of random emails that prove how good it is.). Then it becomes noticeable at first, then obvious at second glance. Of course none of Tucker’s die-hards notice this because they’re either 1) idiots 2) two emotionally engaged in his stories to notice or 3) both.
Me: "Yea no problem dude"
“Dude”? A military person saying “dude” to somebody lower in rank? Not happening.
Again, while “dude” is widespread, it’s the word Tucker always uses when he’s speaking. In this case “me” actually is Tucker in the story, as in he’s still writing in the same voice.
“[digress from the accent] "See sir, the thing is I saw The Hangover about a week after. I mean, it was ok. But compared to the Tucker Movie, [this is the only name he knew it by] it was boring. The Tucker Movie just kept on hitting you over and over again. I barely had time to catch my breath from laughin sarr. “
Sarr? Didn’t you just digress from the accent? Were you drunk when you wrote this Tucker?
Again, this is a random person who clearly remembers every single sentence in a conversation (including accents) that occurred before an AIR DROP. There are only two people who could do this: Tucker Max, and characters that are written by Tucker Max.
God he’s such a lazy fucking writer.
Part III:
“Hangover just kinda moved slowly. Hangover also was unrealistic sarr. The Tucker Movie was real and truly funny. I mean Hangover just kinda got slapstick after a while. I like the Mike Tyson part but other than that I wasn't really able to enjoy it after the Tucker Movie."
Holy shit, Tucker is clearly off the deep end. In this case he’s in full on Don Quioxte mode and The Hangover is his windmill. Who talks like this?
Me: "So you're basically telling me that you blew your load with 'The Tucker Movie' and everything else you've seen just ain't cutting it?"
So basically you’re telling me that this post is nothing more than a badly produced infomercial?
HOLY SHIT, THAT’S IT. TUCKER IS NO LONGER WRITING POSTS, HE’S MAKING INFOMERCIALS!!!
I knew this post reminded me of something, compare it with an ExTenz commercial, it’s almost the same thing. Just subtract the selling point of it “extends your dick” with “this movie is great” and it’s the exact same thing.
Tucker does have a future in Hollywood afterall.
“Him: "Yes sarr! I did! I mean I wish i could see it again and again. It was just hilarious. And others i see just don't match up."
Seriously, Tucker has to hate the military. How else could he come up with a conversation so stupid and believe others will buy this shit?
“Me: "Well it'll come out eventually and you'll get your chance."”
“Him: I hope so sarr, everyone keeps talkin bout it tho in battalion. I even told my dad and family on block leave how awesome it was. He couldn't believe that the guy came down to do it for us. I told him that it was great and he's definitely gonna see it when it comes out."
Yeah, this conversation isn’t even good fiction anymore, even an infomercial knows when to stop and move on.
I’m waiting for the point where we see this line: “Please sarr, let me see Tucker’s movie again. I’ll suck yo dick!!! I got cheeseburgers!!!!”
“He spent the next 20 minutes going line by line through the movie reliving everything from the [redacted] scene to the [redacted] scene to everything else. This guy was nervous for his first jump all day but he just lit up when talking about the movie.”
I really need to go to a show with the intent on sucker punching Tucker for this line. Nobody treats his audience like they are a bunch of idiots in the way Tucker does. This is the part where Tucker helps somebody with his art. See, like in his other fake emails, the person is going through something difficult, but because they got laughs from his shitty movie, they were able to overcome their adversity and pass with flying colors. Read back on his other fake emails and you’ll see the theme.
“I'll be heading out on [date redacted] to [place redacted].”
See, if you put “redacted” in the fake email, it’ll make it seem like it’s real.
“Wish nothing but the best for you before this comes out. Thanks again for the screening, This week I'm only starting to breach the surface of how much the guys loved it.
Later"
You know, when I was 13 we had a guy on my block named John Cooper. John was an alright kid, but was kind of a geek at that age. Anyhow, John claimed he had a girlfriend in Canada whom he would always talk to via mail and telephone. Nobody really believed him, but he was a nice enough kid that we never would call him on it. Eventually John pissed off somebody and they did call him out on it, and about a week later John came to us with about 2 dozen of these letters. We started reading them and we couldn’t stop laughing. Of course John had written them all in his own handwriting, and he couldn’t produce one envelope, but they were all letters saying how great John was in bed and how cool he was. After that we never really hung out with John, we could never take him seriously again.
Tucker’s emails are the same thing as John Cooper’s love letters.
Part IV:
“A few comments:
-If you have ever worked your ass off on something and had someone appreciate it and relish it the way this guy did, then you understand how rewarding it is. I have said this multiple times before, but I'll say it again: The money and the power and the respect and all that bullshit is all awesome...but it's not what gets you up in the morning as an artist. What gets you up and gets you motivated is reaching people with your message. Everything else is bullshit compared to that, and emails like this...they mean a lot. At least to me.”
See, notice how Tucker will say money isn’t important? He’s clearly gearing himself up for failure. He’ll say later that even though the movie didn’t make money at the BO, it doesn’t matter because he received 1000’s of these emails that validate his art.
What he’s not saying is that he FUCKING WROTE THE EMAILS.
Tucker is basically validating himself through himself, and he doesn’t even need hand cream and tissues.
“-I loved his critique of the movie, and I totally agree with it and have been talking about this for months, “
WHAT CRITIQUE? It’s a bunch of sentences saying how a kid likes your movie ahead of another more successful movie. There’s no critical thinking here.
“but I kinda wish we could avoid Hangover comparisons, for lots of reasons. I can accept that it's not going to happen, because of the proximity of release they are inevitable, but I can dream, can't I?”
I think he doesn’t realize he IS dreaming.
By the way, he’s “accepting” that it’s not going to happen.
“-Like I have said 100 times before, I love doing screenings for soldiers. They are not only appreciative as hell, but they "get it" in a way that some other audiences don't. Not sure why, but they do. I foresee many many screenings for the armed forces in the future.”
I foresee that too Tucker, I foresee that most of your audience won’t be paying to see your movie.
“-One other thing about The Hangover: I have hardly seen anything about it this week, and I don't know why. Yesterday, The Hangover crossed the 210 million mark, which makes it the highest grossing R-rated comedy of all time. That is fucking amazing and a big deal, and I am kinda shocked there hasn't been more coverage of this. I guess that's the cost of releasing your movie during the summer--its hard to compete with all the other movies for attention, even when you smash records like The Hangover is. Well, they deserve congratulations, even if no one else is covering it.”
Except that Tucker is already on record saying that he didn’t think The Hangover was a good movie.
Part V
“-Since we are on the subject, I will admit this: As soon as we closed the deal with Darko, I went to Box Office Mojo and looked up the exact number for highest grossing R comedy, and in my heart of hearts, that's always been my goal: To beat Wedding Crashers at 209 million.”
Which I’m saying here for the first time, but whatever, it’s all part of my master plan which none of you are smart enough to get because you didn’t go to Duke or blah blah blah.
“Of course that is ridiculous, and of course no one else would even listen to me when I would talk about this, they just rolled their eyes and told me we should be realistic and hope to make a movie that did any decent business...but from day one I have believed we could do that and I have always held that number in my heart as my personal goal.”
My personal goal is to go to one of Tucker’s Midwestern shows, meet him in a bar afterward buy him a drink and then SMASH THE DRINK OVER HIS HEAD. I’m sure I’ll get the shit kicked out of me by a bunch of frat boys, but it will fucking be worth it.
Do you know why I’d do this? BECAUSE HE JUST SAID HOW MONEY DIDN’T MATTER TO HIM IN THE BEGINNING OF THIS VERY POST!!!
Jesus fucking Christ, do you even reread your own work?
“Now, even if the out of left field best case scenario happens and our movie reaches my impossible of dream of hitting 210 million and beating Wedding Crashers...we'll only be the second movie to beat it this year!
Oh well...that's a problem I would love to have.”
I’m sure you’d love to make .05% of the box office of any of those movies. But here’s my dream, and it’s not so impossible. Tucker’s movie will not break 1 million dollars in overall box office. I know this because only somebody completely desperate would resort to writing an email like this, which makes me think that all is really bad in Tuckerland.
-TDG
"Me: "So you're basically telling me that you blew your load with 'The Tucker Movie' and everything else you've seen just ain't cutting it?"
So basically you’re telling me that this post is nothing more than a badly produced infomercial?
HOLY SHIT, THAT’S IT. TUCKER IS NO LONGER WRITING POSTS, HE’S MAKING INFOMERCIALS!!!
I knew this post reminded me of something, compare it with an ExTenz commercial, it’s almost the same thing. Just subtract the selling point of it “extends your dick” with “this movie is great” and it’s the exact same thing."
TDG,
Again you've nailed it. Hahahahahahaha. Tucker has become an informercial salesman.
That's great man.
I’m waiting for the point where we see this line: “Please sarr, let me see Tucker’s movie again. I’ll suck yo dick!!! I got cheeseburgers!!!!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Nice Menace2Society reference.
Dear TDG,
I really appreciate your work. I should try to deconstruct more of Tucker's posts as well, but unfortunately, I have a real job and know a real nice looking woman. You will have to deconstruct for both of us.
OD.
Tucker Max is a liar and a douchebag.
this is a repeat story and totally made up. nice try, Mcbeefsmoker.
"I knew this post reminded me of something, compare it with an ExTenz commercial, it’s almost the same thing. Just subtract the selling point of it “extends your dick” with “this movie is great” and it’s the exact same thing."
Jesus Christ...Big Dick Pills don't work! And I bought a years supply. God d*** it!
"My personal goal is to go to one of Tucker’s Midwestern shows, meet him in a bar afterward buy him a drink and then SMASH THE DRINK OVER HIS HEAD. I’m sure I’ll get the shit kicked out of me by a bunch of frat boys, but it will fucking be worth it."
Tucker is supposedly coming to my city. I've told people openly I have the desire to go to a screening just to punch him right in the face.
I've gone so far as to look up State Law and see how much trouble I will get in for assualt and battery. In this case, so long as I don't kill him with one punch, the consequence is nothing.
I will possibly be arrested and spend a few hours in the county, and that's it. It's a Class C misdemeanor here, for which I wouldn't even pay a fine.
That is if I even get busted. Whose to say I don't just punch him and walk away.
Of course, a Tucker fan reacted saying that "What Kind of a Person would just punch someone else, that's just wrong and immoral"
REALLY! Then what is he? I'm immoral? Please.
As for the Frats attacking you. If Kung Fu Mike is any indication of Tuckers defense force, you should be able to easily win if you know even a little bit about fighting. For God Sakes, Cloud almost won and he kinda sucked during the fight.
Cloud did win and without any training. Slarvey pulled him off Mike and he behaved as if the fight was done. Kittens could get past Tucker's crew. Cute kittens.
While you can slowly recognize the theme in the prior e-mails, this latest one is so obviously bogus and phony it's laughable. I can't wait for the "trailer" to come out so we can finally see for ourselves how pathetic this movie is going to really be.
It's as if once a week Tucker needs to keep building up hype by giving us yet another lame-ass, boring, concocted story of someone who had no idea what to expect by his movie and was then "blown away" by the final product. Tucker, whatever happened to "he who laughs last, laughs best"? Say your movie opens and you make 210 million off of it. Rub it in our faces, do it. All the pandering and hyping you are doing, however, is making us even more anxious for the movie to come out, fail, and laugh very loudly at you. Each time you open your mouth ... err.. make up an e-mail and type it on the computer, the expectation rises so high you'll never be able to meet it.
Aside from the complete morons who shell out $30 for the movie, this thing will bomb on the 50 screens it opens up on and will eventually fizzle away. The lucky Tucker-ites will find it in the $1.99 bin at their local non-chain video store.
I'm sure the preview screenings will make some money for Tucker because they're $30 a pop and there are enough idiots out there who will pay to see the movie. When I say "some" I don't mean a lot though. Between renting the theater, these lame ass "swag bags" and the cost of traveling across the country promoting this garbage, he'll be lucky if he even pulls out half a million.
I wonder what Darko thinks of this launch tour or how much Darko will want from the $30 screening fees?
I'm starting to feel like I'm picking on a couple of retards, and it's making me feel guilty. Tucker and Ryan, I release you. Be well and fruitful (just don't multiply).
Ryan, don't you have better things to do with your life than hoover on this message board just so you can place the "nice try Mcbeefsmoker" at the top of every new comments page?
Hey tugger:
I have no regrets.
I bet you wish you could say the same thing about herpes. But seriously, you know who else doesn't have regrets: sociopaths.
TM's Expectations: you guys are falling for one of the oldest games in the book: false expectations. Listen, not even TM is a big enough idiot to currently believe, given the distribution situation (or lack thereof), that his movie is going to do $200m+. However, that isn't the point. TM would be fucking THRILLED to do $20m domestic gross. Throwing out $200m+ raises expectations (for the 20 or so people that are even paying attention)---even if he doesn't hit this ridiculous expectation/#, he still wins. Heck, he still probably does ok at $10m or so---he won't make jack on the front end, but at $10m by the time it is all said & done, with DVD/PPV/foreign sales he'll make out ok. Not great, and certainly not worth 2-4 years of his life (when did his book come out--2005? that's a LONG time to be riding this one trick pony).
Go rent "My Best Friend's Girl": yes, it sounds like a chick flick (and near the end it certainly turns into one), however compare the quality of the comedy in that movie to Hangover, and certainly against TM's awful script, and you'll see what TM is up against:
1. No distribution vs Lions Gate.
2. $20m budget vs $6-10m.
3. Dane Cook, Alec Baldwin, Kate Hudson, Jason Biggs vs who? Not that Dane/Alec/Kate/Jason are comedy gods, but Kate is certainly a draw, and Alec with his recent TV success still has some pull. Dane Cook is actually funny here (1st time IMHO).
4. Best Friend pull $20m domestic & about the same foreign (one HUGE benefit of having real stars such as Kate Hudson/Alec Baldwin). IHTSBIH has no such chances (right now) b/c their "stars" have zero pull in foreign markets. A hit would change that, but there was almost no foreign interest in pre-sale meetings.
5. Quality of comedy. I expected to HATE Best Friend---it was actually really, really funny. IHTSBIH unfortunately has some of the same lines ("the smartest thing to come out of you is me"). On top of the Hangover formula, IHTSBIH is going to seem VERY redundant.
Even with real distribution, real stars, quality laughs, and worldwide sales it still "only" did $38m---and was released at the same time as TM is releasing IHTSBIH. Tucker is dreaming about $200m---it will never happen. But he would be fucking thrilled with $20-40m.
Unfortunately the odds are that he is looking at $1-3m, and even that is stretching it. Tucker's best case scenario would be something along the life cycle/profitability of The Wrestler ($26m). Of course lacking Mickey Rourke + Oscar buzz + critical acclaim, I would expect anything above $5m to be a huge win for him/Darko.
"TM would be fucking THRILLED to do $20m domestic gross."
He's said they have to hit that number to be 100% sure to make a profit.
He said they could be profitable at lower numbers, but at 20 million it would be a sure thing.
There's the very real liklihood of everyone involved with this losing money.
And if he's looking for say "Mall Rats" success he's barking up the wrong tree. There are so many things that happened for that movie...
1) He had some real talented people in that movie. Shannon Duaghrty, Jason Lee, Jeremy London, Ben Afflek, etc. All of whom were young and up and coming.
(Geoffry and Jesse are actually past their prime)
2) Kevin Smith learned his craft, and as he became known leading up to "Jay and Silent Bob" Mallrats became a cult DVD classic.
3) It's become apparent that Kevin Smith is a good writer, funny guy, etc. And that comes out once you've looked at Mallrats for a while.
___________
Of course, Mallrats only did something like 2-3 million box office, but I don't think they even had a 6-10 million budget, I'm pretty sure it was way less.
Good point about My Best Friend's Girl, I was surprised how poorly that performed considering how funny it was in parts.
Of course, a Tucker fan reacted saying that "What Kind of a Person would just punch someone else, that's just wrong and immoral"
Tucker definitely doesn't condone violence anyways. Remember that time he videotaped one of his assistants being put in choke-lock (or whatever its called) until he passed out whilst he giggled furiously. Remember how he immediately didn't post on the internet for everyone to see. Yeah good job Tucker you fuckstick.
It would make my life if somebody from this site punched him square in the jaw. I bet you could knock him out too, he's probably never taken a punch in his life.
Remember how Tucker thinks that "anything The Hangover can do, IHTSBIH can top ... easily"? The Hangover is now the second highest-grossing R-rated comedy ever. Not only that, but Todd Phillips had to accept a smaller budget and give back his salary and gross position in the film, becoming an equity partner, in order to use the cast he wanted (Zach Galifanakis & Ed Helms).
http://filmdrunk.uproxx.com/2009/07/phillips-galifianakis-hangover-2
So Todd Phillips bucked conventional Hollywood wisdom and took a unique approach to financing in order to protect his artistic vision. The end result: A hilarious movie and a huge payday for Mr. Phillips. Basically, Todd Phillips did exactly what Tucker Max wishes he had done.
Yeah, but Todd Philips didn't fuck The Bunny. Therefore Tucker > Todd Phillips.
Simple math you idiot
HOLY SHIT, THAT’S IT. TUCKER IS NO LONGER WRITING POSTS, HE’S MAKING INFOMERCIALS!!!
I haven't stopped laughing at this since I read it about 2 hours ago.
Seriously, you want to fuck with one of Tucker's shows? Call the police at the area where the film is playing and tell them that there are underaged teenagers getting drunk and going into the movie theater.
This will work really really well in midwestern and southern venues.
Fuck all yall. Who are you people really? Nobody, thas who. When Tucker goes out, people recognise him and love him becuz hes makin art and you are making doo-doo. Thas right, I sed it, you are making DO- DOO.
When hiz movie hitz it big and amkes the top 10 list of all time most greatist money makin' films of all time top 10 list, youz are gonna be sorry. He's a narsisist, which mean he gotta be smart, right? Not dumb like you sutpid fucks
^^^ BRILLIANT!!
^^^ FUCK YUO BITCH!!!
Yaal just a bunch of pansy fag haterz who r jus jelus that u aint not a real artistz like my main niga Tucker Max. You woulndt no art if it wuz shittin on yo dick.
Tucker nos this sight, and hell use his resorces to hav it shutz the fug down. Id hide in yo bedroomz and shut yo doorz when Tuckerz moviez playz yo home townz, cuz hes a nacistititst and mite cum lookin for yall wit hiz cute puppiez.
Fuk u haterz, I'm outtie like Tucker Max
"You woulndt no art if it wuz shittin on yo dick."
This is... the greatest thing ever published on the internet.
HOLY SHIT, THAT’S IT. TUCKER IS NO "LONGER WRITING POSTS, HE’S MAKING INFOMERCIALS!!!"
Do you have trouble sleeping, getting your dick up, worried you're not big enough, need to make a ton shit of money, out of shape?
You need Tucker Max! Tucker Max will shit on YO dick till it all comes true!
Studio listens to vanity film pitch. They nod their heads vigorously in agreement with every revolutionary ideal espoused by writers.
Studio green lights and budgets vanity movie script for $1 million shoot.
Studio announces to investors budget is $6 million.
Writer/producers of script forego majority fees for points (that's why no WGA), buy in from their own wallets and assist in tapping investors.
$6 million is raised.
Movie is shot with lightweight director and d-list actors (fame wise, not talent wise) willing to work for scale on a dialogue heavy "edgy" indie with the hopes of moving to C or B list.
$1 million is spent filming, editing and barely releasing.
If the film earns nothing, not one cent, studio (they control the books) pockets $5 million of investor's money. "We didn't make back principal expenses on the $6 mil, there's no return."
Investors grumble, but they took a shot for the big time and came up short.
Writer/producers have little return for 18 months of their efforts. Newbie out of towners get fleeced again by industry, and helped hold the shears while it happened.
Billion to one longshot that the movie's a hit, investors might get their money back. Studio controls the books.
Absolute minimum profit for studio's efforts = $5 million
"Badges, we don't need no stinkin' badges."
I never say shit on here, but I love to drop by and read these comments every once in a while. So fucking hilarious.
First of all de-constructionist guy- funny shit.
But I only post today because I know Tucker Max reads these comments.
As such ....
For the love of fucking Christ Tucker, you SERIOUSLY have outdone yourself this time.
That last post, the "email" from the military guy, has to be the most embarrassing fucking thing you have ever said or done.
And that says a lot, doesn't it? For me, it even beat your O & A appearance.
Hands down, simply un-fucking believable. Honestly, I don't know who could possibly be more stupid- you or your so-called fans?
Here's the funny thing, and why I'm writing in today.
I'm a freelance writer pretty well known for (and frequently hired for) my ability to mimic any style of writing. Occasionally I'm put on book / magazine assignments to edit and re-write material in the voice of another author.
Because, well, that's what I'm good at.
And with no doubt I can assure everyone on this board, as if you guys didn't already know, that you, Mr. Tucker, wrote that email. I knew it within 3 seconds.
Take it as a professional opinion.
Your idiocy is truly and humbly astounding, my friend. I congratulate you.
Another hater you say?
I've been following you for years. I figured out you were completely and hopelessly full of shit long ago, yet my amusement at your antics now far outweighs my minimal amusement at your original (and completely bullshit) stories.
Seriously, you need to put on a fucking clown suit and a red rubber nose.
I can't even fathom where you come up with the horseshit you pronounce to your little group of masturbating minions, and I anxiously await each new day to find you with shovel in hand, digging aggressively at your own grave in which you will soon lie.
Oh, and I'm an active member on RMMB. Along with four other people, by the way, who openly laugh and mock you every day.
You can't even tell when we goad you for more bullshit with our pre-planned questions, constructed specifically to elicit even more ridiculous responses from you.
Here's the thing Tucker.
I'm a writer and a pretty successful one. I know, I know, you think I'm just another schlub on here saying some bullshit story to piss you off, but, well, I'm not.
I know a lot of other writers, all of whom I feel display a vast wealth of talent far above my own. And that's the thing about writers.
Every good writer sincerely believes they suck- that they are no talent hacks who couldn't grasp the attention of a two year old child. And the truth is, the more a writer hates his own work, the better the author generally is.
David Sedaris and Augusten Burroughs, for example, openly despise their own writing.
But see, you think you're amazing. An "artist" if I may quote you, and that says alot about you as a writer.
A writer who sincerely believes he has a modicum of talent never strives to become a better writer. And that's where you find yourself-you're already one of the best writers of today, aren't you Tucker?
You're simply amazing! No need to improve!
Here's the truth.
Your writing is absolutely painful for anyone past the poop joke stage of emotional maturity. Your comedy is hackneyed and utterly unoriginal, easily duplicated by any sixth grader with a piece of coal and a shovel.
You don't even have a writing style- it's just shit clumped together under the guise of a "voice" or a "vision" or whatever the fuck you call yourself today.
Here's my voice offering you some advice.
Shut the fuck up.
Seriously.
For the love of God, shut your fucking goddamn mouth for once and look in the mirror and see what you're doing to yourself.
You're a fucking no-talent hack trying to masquerade as a self-described "icon" (please Tucker, just stop) who just happened to get lucky only because no one figured out you were a complete fucking jackass of a liar until your book became popular.
So, congratulations on that.
But now, you only feed your audiences with your delusional idiocy, and for that I thank you more.
And I can't wait for your next post and the sound of the shovel digging ... and digging ... and digging ...
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: POOP! Hahahahahaha!
Q: Which came first, the chicken or the egg?
A: POOP! Hahahahahahaha!
Q: What's black and white and red all over?
A: POOP! Hahahahahahaha!
Q: A grasshopper walks into a bar.
A: POOP! Hahahahahaha!
Q: What did the girl say to the other girl?
A: POOP! Hahahahahaha!
Q: Penis?
A: POOP! Hahahahahahaha!
Q: What is Tucker Max full of?
(wait for it...)
(...wait for it...)
A: POOP! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!*
*"Shit", "Hot air", and "Himself" are also acceptable answers
By the way, to the guy who posted this morning at 6:48A and 6:49A: right on, man.
Right. Fucking. On.
You can't even tell when we goad you for more bullshit with our pre-planned questions, constructed specifically to elicit even more ridiculous responses from you.
------------
Any you responsible for asking him if he thinks his movie will be watched 30 years from now as a cult film in cinemas ? Cause either that guy wa a genius or a douchebag. Can't wait for Tucker's response. Poor guy is being som played and he doesn't even know it.
I'M HUGE IN EUROPE - 73 Days Out.
I just got this email from a British guy who set up the screening for the Queen at Buckingham Palace. When it's all said and done, this is the type of feedback that makes all the bullshit worthwhile:
"Chip Chip Old Chap,
Good day old bloke, I hope this day is as wonderful and vast as ye olde British Empire. I was just eating some Fish and Chips while reading Page 6 about Jacko when the queen came up to me in the loo. Normally I would be repulsed, but Trust Me, you'll love this my old chip.
Queen: (She talks like the Queen from an olde Monty Python sketch) OOooooohhhh Heeeellllllllooooooo. I say old chap, I really was eennnntthhrrralllleddd with that little bit a cinema you screened for me.
Me: Aye, I see that the old rapscallion Tucker Max has aced it again.
Queen: It was completely enjoyable and totally brill even though I had NO IDEA WHO TUCKER MAX WAS BEFORE THE MOVIE. I'd buy the book, but my eyes are going, but in my queenly opinion it was much better than The Hangover. The Hangover was just too hijinxy, and who is that bloke with the beard?
Me: Bugger all if I know, he certainly is no Matt Czuchry. He was so good you should knight him.
Anyway, the conversation went on like this to the point that the queen acted out the famous hotel scene (I'll never look at duck confit the same again).
I need to go and change the guard and eat some more fish and chips while watching soccer, but good luck to you and your wonderful movie (that's much better than the Hangover). You do your Yank ancestors proud.
Cheers"
A few comments:
- Holy Motherfucking Shit. Did you not read that and shit and shit? That's the mother fucking QUEEN OF ENGLAND. She owns half the world and thought my art was better than that other stupid movie people continue to compare mine too.
7/11/2009 11:34 AM:
FAKE!!!! FAKE!!!! FAKE!!!! UR A GREAT BIG FAKER!!!!!
And I can prove it! You quote His Lordship Sir Nimblypoots of Wimblewottom as watching "soccer", but everyone knows the English (being retarded) call it FOOTBALL! Because it's a game that is played with the foot, while REAL football is all about torn knee ligaments!
FAKER!!!!! IM CALLIN U OUT!!!!!!!!!!!11
The queen thing is awesome. I don't know where all this brilliance is coming from all of a sudden on this blog, but keep it up guys. This is ten times better than anything Tucker's doing, if for no other reason, then because he's so enamored with his silly 'serious artist/deeper meaning/changing everything' silliness that he's forgotten that people only like him because they (wrongly) think he's funny.
Why does this blog exist?
Imagine you're a waitress struggling to make ends meet working a double shift to take care of your children when the door to your place of work opens and three drunk and loud pricks stumble in.
"8:49: We walk to a pasta bar for dinner. The waitress is immediately displeased by our behavior, "We usually don't get people as drunk as you coming in here." I decide her attitude needs an adjustment, "Do you know who these guys are? They routinely risk their lives so you are free to toss your fat ass around Lincoln Park like some haughty tramp, and you question them? Woman, get us some food and liquor, and be quick about it."
Imagine your an overweight woman having a tough day so you decide to stop at a McDonalds when the same three pricks walk in and stand behind you.
"8:58: We go to McDonald's. The woman in front of me in line spends more than 5 seconds contemplating her order. This infuriates me, "WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING FOR?, MC-SEABASS?? IT'S THE GODDAMN MCDONALD'S MENU, IT'S BEEN THE SAME FOR TEN YEARS! IT'S ALL MCSHIT! JUST ORDER!"
8:59: She quickly departs the restaurant. One might have described her departure as "fleeing in terror."
Now imagine you are workers at that same Mcdonalds. You are not people born into priviledge and your family doesn't have homes in Aspen and Boca, you are just people trying to work for a living.
"9:00: I don't know what I want. I just point at the Dollar Menu and say, "Give me all of that."
9:05: I am displeased with what I get. I try to send back certain items, like the apple pie. The 14 year-old Mexican boy working the Friday late shift doesn't understand. I get frustrated and just throw everything I don't like on the floor.
9:07: We decide to play Rich's favorite game: Window Pickle Races.
9:09: We have about 8 pickles on the window, each making ketchup and mustard streaked trips to the bottom. We argue about who owns each pickle. These become intense and profanity laced arguments. Military guys use very creative curse words. I didn't even know I had a "cock-holster" or a "man-pleaser."
9:14: The last people finally flee in terror. The restaurant is empty. We taunt them, and cheer as they leave. They, along with their small children, are all cowards.
9:15: The manager comes out and asks us to leave. Eddie is confused, "We can't get kicked out of McDonald's? This is like the DMZ of drunk eating. THIS IS WHY WE CAME HERE!"
9:16: The manager is a frail Mexican woman. She is scared of us. She goes behind the counter, then tells us to leave again. She waves the phone at us, threatening police intervention. We go."
Picking on women and teenagers. Making people feel uncomfortable in places they should feel safe?
And, this is just a few minutes in the life of this dickhead.
Anyone who supports or defends this guy needs to rethink their entire life.
That's why these blogs exist. Don't shed a tear for Tucker Max.
BUMP
I just discovered why we're losing the war in the middle east.
Warning: This video is NOT for the easily offened.
http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=4726815
@4:22: I think you're giving Tucker too much credit if you make him responsible for military setbacks.
Soldiers like tales of drunken debauchery. Always have, always will. Nature of the beast.
How come Tucker never joined the military?
Fearless? check
Leader? check
Looks good in a uniform? check
Not afraid to work around bombs? check
"@4:22: I think you're giving Tucker too much credit if you make him responsible for military setbacks.
Soldiers like tales of drunken debauchery. Always have, always will. Nature of the beast."
once upon a time soldiers weren't sent off to lose life and limb so tucker could have sex with other men's wives and receive fiat pennies from viacom for making up stories involing donut shops, missing tapes, and shit on dicks.
not every soldier supports dying for corporate duke douchebaggery.
I'M HUGE IN EUROPE - 73 Days Out.
I just got this email from a British guy who set up the screening for the Queen at Buckingham Palace. When it's all said and done, this is the type of feedback that makes all the bullshit worthwhile:
"Chip Chip Old Chap,
Good day old bloke, I hope this day is as wonderful and vast as ye olde British Empire. I was just eating some Fish and Chips while reading Page 6 about Jacko when the queen came up to me in the loo. Normally I would be repulsed, but Trust Me, you'll love this my old chip.
Fuck! That was great. Many thanks.
Dear Tucker,
Allow me to help you write fake e-mails.
Here is how it should have been presented.
So I just got this e-mail (contact info has been dropped to protect his privacy).
Tucker,
Thanks for the screening. I'm an officer in the (pick your favorite service branch). A few days after your screening I heard a few of my men speaking about how funny your movie was and how happy they were to have the opportunity to view it.
Just thought you'd like to know.
Sgt/Cpt/Gen whoever.
Take note, NOBODY (who isn't a douchebag) types in accent.
Now go forth and continue lying about your movie, but at least you won't look like such a tool doing so.
Posted by journalist Mark Ebner
A movie worth tracking during the buildup for IHTSBIH is Lynn Shelton's critically praised Humpday, opening this weekend. I've seen it twice, and I'm with the critics: It is fantastic. I bring the film up because a) Humpday plays off the industry standard "bro movie" concept by completely turning it inside/out, and b) it was shot and canned for less than 20k. To put the budget in perspective, go back to the original Blair Witch Project, which coincidentally also stars Joshua Leonard. Leonard had a couple of points on the Blair Witch that ultimately made him reasonably wealthy when the movie paid out. The principals on Humpday (including Leonard) all have at least 10 points on the film, meaning that, theoretically, everyone would profit if it succeeded as a four-wall in only one major city. Watch for a decent release on this one, and you'll be watching art shaking up the marketplace as the major studios crumble.
Watching a rare film like Humpday succeed is satisfying, and should shed light on my disdain for Nikki Finke as noted on another thread. She has been too busy taking obvious, easy potshots at targets like Paramount Studio executives, when the radical, truly independent movie-making models are the real news.
__________________
Suicide by media can take a lifetime.
Reply by Jon Tando
Dude, I respect you and love your work but you really have to chill on your disdain for Nikki and what she does. You and she are not the same, no matter what you cite as credentials. She covers the business as a whole while you cover the easily missed and honestly brutal. I don't know your relationship to Paramount or why you think this is a huge issue with her coverage when she posts tons of info beyond that. Whatever it is, you're constant harping comes across as sour grapes at best or petty insecurity at worst.
Again, you are VERY good at what you do. Nikki is VERY good at what she does. You BOTH make mistakes. Just like everybody else. You may have some personal shit you are venting, but I don't know and I don't care. Neither does anybody else reading your posts. They only care if you give information they couldn't get somewhere else.
But I do care that you're making yourself appear vindictive and snarky for no fucking reason.
Either post some information that we can't get somewhere else or don't post at all.
As a final note - I've heard good things about Humpday from both you and Rainn Wilson but I could honestly not give a fuck about the film. It may be hilarious, it may be a breath of fresh air. I just don't give a shit about a film whose premise sounds like a "but it's two dudes!" version of Zack and Miri Make a Porno. I could be wrong, but EVERYTHING I've read about the movie has basically come across as that. I don't care how much it cost to make. I don't care who's in it. I don't care about the "weight" of those who recommend it. I Just don't care about the premise. Doesn't interest me. Just like Slumdog Millionaire may be a breathtaking and outstanding example of modern film making, there will be those that just don't give a fuck.
I really should just send this as a PM, but I'm fucking drunk.
__________________
A kernel of truth is stuck in my teeth.
EBNER'S RESPONSE
Dude! You draw 3D graphics that make children want to rip their eyes out. Stop trying to disect my posts and get busy repaying your loans to us.
This is a crucial time for Tucker and Nils. Why you feel the need to attack one of your own at this juncture is speculative and dense.
__________________
Suicide by media can take a lifetime.
Those posts were edited from RMMB by Tucker because as he stated "if we show signs of weakness within our own ranks the haterz at those other blogs will seize upon this opportunity."
http://messageboard.tuckermax.com/showthread.php?t=27204
Man do these dudes have too much time on their hands or what.
Fuck Mark Ebner,
The dude is an INVESTIGATIVE JOURNALIST. Hey Mark, how about you do some actual investigating on any one of Tucker Max's totally true stories?
It's one thing if you did things on an even playing field, but YOU FUCKING KNOW HE'S FULL OF SHIT AND YET YOU DO NOTHING. Nothing. You'd rather go after John Travolta after he lost his son than to go after a story you know has legs (Tucker's lies).
Fuck you Ebner, you truly are nothing more than a shill and a fucking hack. I hope those gambling debts catch up to you.
theyre all twats, ebner included
"Anything The Hangover can do at the box office we can beat. Easily."
Hangover B.O. to date $284,042,000 Released at 3,545 theaters
"We have a distributor and it's a major. I'm not allowed to say anything until the trades make the official announcement."
"IHTSBIH will be released into thousands of theater just like any other Hollywood movie."
LOL freestyle. He may as well just upload it to youtube.
@ the 9:25am post,
tando also in his drunken stupor posted an incriminating private message as a public one in that thread. Anyone remember what it said?
How embarrassing will it be for Ebner when another celebrity journalist finds out that Tucker Max is a fraud? I mean, I'm sure there are very little ethics in his line of work, but he'd have to be a laughing stock of people in the same business. The story is right under his nose.
By the way Mark, we get it, you don't like Paris Hilton or Scientology.
I don't know if this has already been posted, but everyone should read this review and especially the comments, yet more web content ten times funnier than any of tuggers 'art'
http://filmindustrybloggers.com/thescriptreader/2008/07/29/the-tucker-max-movie-idiots-delight/
In less than a month Tucker and the gang will be boarding a bus and driving up the coast to Portland and Seattle to show their movie to hundreds of people.
Sure it would be easier and much more cost effective to fly there, but this is not THAT kind of business venture.
After Seattle the bus will spend eight days driving 3000 miles to Atlanta. Here's are the dates locked and loaded.
Bus Ride To Hell Tour Schedule:
Aug 11-Portland, OR
Aug 13-Seattle, WA
Aug 21--Atlanta, GA
Aug 22--Athens, GA (UGA)
Aug 23--Tallahassee (FSU)
Aug 24--Gainesville (UF)
Aug 25--Columbia, SC (USC)
Aug 26--Raleigh/Durham (UNC/Duke/NC State)
Aug 27--Blacksburg, VA (Va Tech)
Aug 28--Washington DC (numerous)
Aug 29--[Saturday rest or add a city]
Aug 30--College Park, MD (UM)
Aug 31--State College (PSU)
Sep 1--Philadelphia (numerous)
Sep 2--Boston (numerous)
Sep 3--Buffalo, NY
Sep 4--Toronto, CA
Sep 5,6,7--Labor Day Break
Sep 8--East Lansing, MI (MSU)
Sep 9--Columbus, OH (OSU)
Sep 10--Lexington, KY (UK)
Sep 11--Bloomington, IN (IU)
Sep 12--Chicago, IL or Champaign, IL
Sep 13--Madison, WI (UW)
Sep 14--Minneapolis, MN (UM)
Sep 15--Iowa City, IA (IA)
Sep 16--Lawrence, KS (KU)
Sep 17--Norman, OK (OU)
Sep 18--Austin, TX (UT)
Sep 19--TRAVEL/REST DAY
Sep 20--Tempe, AZ (ASU)
Sep 21--San Diego, CA
Sep 22--San Francisco, CA
Sep 23--Los Angeles, CA
Sep 24--Press Day in LA
Sep 25--Release
In one of the smartest decisions of the tour the gang will show the movie in San Diego on 9/21, then drive 8 hours up the coast to show the movie in San Francisco the next day before turning around and driving back down the coast 6 hours to return to Los Angeles.
This trip seems very well thought out and I'm sure it will be executed with professionalism and integrity.
HiJinks will be involved for sure. The Nerf dart gun will be fun for about three hours of the trip, after that, not so much.
Ryan Holiday will be following the tour bus in his black Jetta.
The tour schedule looks solid! Can't wait till they get to my town. This date on the list stood out;
Aug 29--[Saturday rest or add a city]
These guys are only taking one day to rest? Do you have any idea the toll this tour is going to take on the minds and their bodies?
5:00pm they'll pull into a town and head to an Applebees for dinner.
7:00pm they'll head to the theater and hand the projectionist either film cans or a dvd (depending on facility)
7:30 the doors open and Ryan Holiday will collect tickets or cross off names from RVSP list.
Kung Fu Mike and Silly Little Freak will hand each person a swag bag of goodies.
8:00pm the movie starts.
9:45pm the movie ends.
After paramedics removes the bodies of anyone who died from laughing, Tucker and Nils will take the stage and answer questions.
Tucker will ask at least one audience member "Are you a dude or a chick?"
10:30pm they head to the lobby area to sign autogrpahs and pose for pictures.
11:00pm They will be back on the bus heading for the next city.
11:05pm Tucker will be reading this blog.
All in all Tucker will have to work at least an hour and a half a day. And by "work" I mean "sit on stage and answer the stupidest and most inane questions from some our nations dumbest citizens."
Once they board the bus at 11pm they will only have 18 hours until the next Applebees (or Dave and Busters)
So the answer is yes. These guys will need rest indeed.
-PROJECT HIJINKS
- Go to the Q&A session after the movie and have somebody videotape yourself asking Tucker why he's such a fraud (or any number of questions that will humiliate him publicly.)
-Take videotape and put it on YouTube.
-Hilarity ensues.
At a screening, shout: "TUCKER! SHOW US YOUR TITS!"
Depending upon how badly the movie does, he'll probably end up offering titty-fucks to the fanz for $10 a 'pop'
Hey guys, this is Tucker Max.
Hey I just wanted to share with you guys this email I just got, wow it's pretty amazing. In fact, it's awesome. I'm sure you'll like it. Trust me.
"Dear Tucker,
Hey Tucker, my name is Chris and youre awesome, and I'm certainly not you writing an email to yourself just because I highlight all the main points you want to make about yourself.
I just use the exact same phrases, syntax and capitalization as you, but I'm not you because my name is Chris, and your name is Tucker Max. So, you see, there's no way I could be you. Our names are different, see? So we're two entirely different people.
That being said, I live in Hollywood and my Dad's a big producer. He came up to me the other day and he said (in a southern accent because he's southern) 'Do y'all know about this here Tucker Max feller?"
I said "yeah" and this is what he said (accent removed)
"That young icon of today's youth is such a brilliant visionary that I'm afriad I'm going to lose my job. He's totally turned Hollywood upside with his art and the way he's doing things. I just saw Sam Mendes and John August applying at Burger King because Tucker is such a visionary writer they know they'll never work again."
Isn't that amazing Tucker?
Does it improve upon your icon staus for your visionary art?
Plus, my girlfriend had sex with you and said you were the best ever! She said the following:
"Whoever said just because a man has tiny little hands means he'll have a tiny little penis was wrong! Because Tucker has a huge penis!"
Isn't that awesome Tucker?
Shreveport ain't that great a place
http://freedominourtime.blogspot.com/2009/06/totalitarianism-in-one-city-shreveports.html
United breaks guitars.
Someone please slash the bus tires.
Hilarity will ensue.
Tucker Max is NOT listed here:
http://stuffblackpeopledontlike.blogspot.com/
Oversight? Or intentional? "Responsible and honorable men", as described in their Father's Day article, certainly would be mutually exclusive with Tuckerness - they can't both be included. And Tucker's attitude toward women isn't too different from your average rapper's. So it seems that makes sense.
Can anyone think of a better example within the past decade of a Walter Mitty type character than TM? I can't.
Looks like a Tucker Max fanatic is spreading the love at the Film Drunk blog. TKE4LIFE coming at ya!
http://filmdrunk.uproxx.com/2009/07/comments-of-the-week-37#comments
That's some decent trolling, be sure to always keep in character though.
TKE4LIFE will be the Stephen Colbert of the douchebag circuit.
The Infamous (and hilarious) Tucker Max Interviews:
Reporter: I’m here with Tucker Max, author of “I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell.” The book is a New York Times best-seller and soon to be made into a movie. Tucker and his co-writer Nils Parker are lounging out in their Hollywood apartment, and have been nice enough to grant us an interview. So what is it like to be Tucker Max?
Tucker: I don’t have enough dicks for all the pussy that is being thrown at me.
Reporter: Oh…kay. Let’s go back a bit to how this all got started.
Tucker: I made a fucking website as a fucking dare to my friendsses. I put up a date applications, and then started send these really fucking funny emails about true stuff that was happening to me. And I’m not even the coolest one of my friends.
Reporter: I see. And this snowballed into the book?
Tucker: Well I had a few other books too which were also bestsellers.
Reporter: Really? Where can I get them?
Tucker: They’re not available. Since they were selling so fucking well, I decided it was best to pull them from the marketplace.
Reporter: Sort of an odd financial plan, eh?
Tucker: I’m Tucker Max.
Reporter: I can’t help but notice that you and Nils and your friends wear a ton of flip flops and elastic shorts. Did you rob a Sports Chalet?
Tucker: I sleep with so many chicks that I need to have quick accesses to being naked.
Nils: I just do it because Tucker does it… and I decided to get engaged right before I become famous –
Tucker: Shut the fuck up Nils, you fat bastard.
(Nils hang his head and goes into the Kitchen. He folds a large DiGornio Pizza in half and inhales it.)
Reporter: I see here that you appeared on MTV?
Tucker: They actually appeared on me once- Projected right onto my Frankenstein like forehead. It was awesome. And then I agreed to let them film a show about me. Highest ratings I think ever for their network.
Reporter: So they must have made a series out of it?
Tucker: Fuck MTV. They are a small network with no real market or business models.
Reporter: I think they’re a global network.
Tucker: I’m Tucker Max.
Reporter: So lets’ talk about the book. What are some of your favorite stories?
(The Bunny arrives bringing the boys sandwiches – Tucker inspects his sandwich closely)
Tucker: You fucking stupids cunt. I said NO TOMATO!
Bunny: Can’t you just remove them?
Tucker: You fucking worthless cum dumpster – they touched the fucking meat. Get me a new one now or I’ll knock the shit out of you!
(Bunny bursts into tears, drinks a bottle of Zinfandel, pops three pills and runs out)
Reporter: Is this a bad time?
Tucker: For what?
Reporter: Right… um, the book. What are your favorite stories?
Tucker: Tucker Tries Bufthsects!
Reporter: I’m sorry. Bus sexs?
Tucker: Bufthsects!
Reporter: Bug Heads?
Tucker: Bufthsects!!!
Reporter: … um, let’s move on. This isn’t your first time in Hollywood right?
Tucker: Comedy Centrals bought a show from me, but the stupid dumb cunt I was working with tried to hire professional staff and I told them where they could go. I’m Tucker Max, and a character like me has never been created in Hollywood. I’m a brand.
Reporter: I think I’ve seen your character about 947 times.
Tucker: You’re 100% wrong. This movie is revolutionary and will change Hollywood.
Reporter: That’s a bold claim. It must be some screenplay.
Nils: I wrote it and gave it to Tucker.
Tucker: I fixed it and made it work.
Nils: He changed one sentence.
Tucker: Shut the fuck up you fat asshole. I made you and I can destroy you, dropout!
(Nils hangs his head and goes to kitchen and smashes a full bag of Chips ‘ahoy. He then pours the crumbs on to a cutting board and snorts them using an empty paper towel tube.)
Reporter: Sounds like quite the writing process.
Tucker: Yeah, we fucking analyzed every word, every sentence. There was this one scene where we were looking for a really pretentious sounding name for a fucking character that Tucker absolutely decimates, so I call Nils and said “Hey it’s Tucker. Gives me the dickiest name you can think of, Nils” We picked Logan. And that has never been done before. Ever.
Reporter: You are aware that movies get made everyday, right? Even ones about real people. They are sometimes called biographies or bio-pics.
Tucker: 100% wrong you are. This movie is doing things that have never before ever been done. We have food on the set.
Reporter: It’s called catering.
Tucker: I’m fucking Tucker Max.
Reporter: I got that part... Are you excited about the soundtrack for this movie or are you not involved in that?
Tucker: I am involved with everything in this movie. It’s my movie about me. It’s fucking awesome. And the soundtrack is fucking off the charts. We got Paul Wall to contribute.
Reporter: Who?
Tucker: Paul Wall.
Reporter: I’m sorry, I though you said Paul Wall. I don’t think I know who he is.
Tucker: Paul Wall is a Garillionaire. I’m throwed Baby Baby.
Reporter: You are aware that you are a rich white kid living in vacuum, right?
Tucker: I’m Tucker Max.
Reporter: I have time for a few more questions, but if you want to end this I understand because it’s not going that well.
Tucker: There is no such thing as bad press.
Reporter: What about those script pages that were leaked on Gawker?
Tucker: Oh that “leak.” I guess they somehow “got there.” And I somehow got $25,000,000 worth of free press. I certainly didn’t do that because I am not that “smart.”
Reporter: Actually, you had nothing whatsoever to do with those script pages being leaked, and the end result was extremely hurtful to the credibility of your screenplay and the market for this film.
Tucker: Yeah. I “wonder” how those pages “got there.”
Reporter: You can keep “talking in quotes” till Nils grows a tenth chin, it will never change the fact that actual script pages from the shooting script of your film were released and met with painful silence by the masses.
Tucker: “Gee” I hope that never “happens” again because that would mean people would be “talking” about “my movie.”
Reporter: People talk about herpes. It doesn’t mean they want them. Your logic that being the most hated man on the planet could backfire.
Tucker: I have never once failed.
Reporter: That test radio show you did two years ago?
Tucker: Highest rated show ever in the history of radio.
Reporter: Your appearance on Opie and Anthony?
Tucker: Never happened.
Reporter: You do realize that telling yourself lies doesn’t change the truth?
Tucker: I’m Tucker Max.
(Bunny arrives with NEW food for Tucker – Will she get beaten? )
----- END PART OF PART ONE ----
----- Tucker Max interview part 2 ----
Bunny cautiously approaches Tucker and hands him a new sandwich. When he raise his hand to grab it she flinches as if she’s about to be struck in the face. Tucker takes the sandwich.
Tucker: Relax, Bunny. Thanks for the sandwich.
Bunny: You’re not mad at me?
Tucker: No. Why would I be. You’re my fucking muse. Without you I’d be nowhere.
Bunny: You mean that?
Tucker: I mean… fuck yeah. And your writing is awesome.
Bunny: Tucker… I fucking love you, you big jerk.
Tucker: I know you do… Hey, any chance you could do my laundry? There like five loads in my room and I’m running out of grey shirts.
Bunny: Sure, babe. Can I use your car to get to the Laundromat?
Tucker: No.
(Bunny leaves to do Tucker’s laundry)
Reporter: Wow. That’s kind of a passive-aggressive relationship there?
Tucker: She’s a fucking wind-up toy. I could force her to donate a kidney to a fucking seal.
Reporter: So you don’t believe in karma?
Tucker: Dude, I can’t grow enough dicks to handle all the pussy that is thrown at me.
Reporter: You know you said that already, earlier? It makes no sense and is completely out of context.
Tucker: Then I’ll edit it later. I’m Tucker Max.
Reporter: But you can’t edit this. It’s not on your message board, it’s on the Internet.
Tucker: Then I’ll have you banned.
Reporter: Banned? From where?
Tucker: The fucking Internets and shit. I’m Tucker Max. I’m a best-selling author.
Reporter: Good point. Let’s talk about your book sales.
Tucker: New York Times bestseller for three years straight.
Reporter: Why are there 5,000 copies of your book in boxes against the wall in this apartment?
Tucker: Those are for like… fucking, autographs and shit.
Nils: I have 15,000 in a storage shed –
(Tucker throws one of his flip-flips at Nils like a Chinese throwing star)
Tucker: Shut your fucking mouth, Nils!
(Nils goes back to the kitchen and sucks down a three-foot funnel of Lucky Charms)
Reporter: Are you buying your own books in bulk to inflate sales?
Tucker: …um… I can’t grow enough dicks?
Reporter: I’ll admit that it’s a pretty shrewd marketing strategy.
Tucker: Like those “stories” that “appeared” at “Gawker”?
Reporter: No. Those were just people bagging on you. 100% out of your control.
Tucker: Can I ask YOU a question?
Reporter: Sure.
Tucker: Why are you doing this to me? I’m fucking Tucker Max.
Reporter: I’m trying to save you from yourself.
Tucker: But I’m awesome. I have money, chicks, books, bufthsects… And I don’t live life by anybody’s rules. How could you possibly fucking even think that you can help Tucker fucking max.
Reporter: I’ve asked someone to stop by. Stay seated, Tucker.
(The reporter gets up and goes to the door. A young man wearing overalls and no shirt walks in. He is disheveled with an unkempt beard.)
Tucker: I reckon the Hee-Haw mobile brokes down, Hoss! Guess it’s time for me to bend over and squeal likes a pig. Sue-eeeeeee.
Reporter: We get it. He’s wearing overall and has a beard.
Tucker: Sorry – sometime I just bust out in comedy without even fucking knowing it. And shit.
Reporter: Tucker, I’d like you to meet… Troy Duffy.
(Can these two men and their egos actually fit in the same room together? Stay tuned… )
---- END OF PART TWO ---
----- Tucker Max interview part 3 ----
(Tucker meets Troy Duffy)
Tucker: So you’re THE Troy Duffy as in “The Boondock Saints” Troy Duffy?
Troy: In the flesh, man.
Tucker: The Boondock Saints is one of my favorite films!
Troy: Mine too.
Tucker: I’m making a fucking movie as well. It’s awesome.
Troy: Is this your first time directing?
Tucker: I’m not directing, Bob Gosse is.
Troy: Who?
Tucker: He’s huge. Done tons of shit. Even came to our first meeting with a notepad.
Troy: Who’s starring in it?
Tucker: Matt Cuzychry!
Troy: Who the fuck is that?
Tucker: Guy has done tons of shit. Gilmore Girls and like 20 other things on TV. Will be a household name next year. Plus, he nailed me hard.
Troy: Well good luck, man.
Tucker: Listen, I don’t often do this… Since I respect you as a fellow “artist” and you seem to exude a certain fucking vibe that I can also respect, do you have any advice for me?
Troy: Whatever you do, DO NOT film or document the process on a daily basis. I had a film crew follow me around taking pictures and filming cast members, etc. The jealous assholes who did the filming edited the footage to make me look like an asshole after we had a falling out over them not understanding how fucking awesome I am. They released it as a film called “Overnight.”
Tucker: So DON’T film or document the process on a daily basis?
Troy: Never. Worst thing you can possibly do.
Tucker: Interesting take. Not one I fucking agree with. But, I’m Tucker Max, right?
Troy: Also, be very careful about claims you make prior to the film’s release. Never quote numbers. Never even promise a theatrical release. Confidence is one thing. But, looking like the biggest asshead on the planet is painful. Some of your actions can come back to haunt you.
Tucker: Any specific examples of like, things I shouldn’t fucking say?
Troy: Well, I once said… “As for my film career? Get used to it, 'cuz it ain't goin' anywhere. Period.” I also proclaimed that I was going to succeed "on a scale like never before". Also, I said that I had a “cesspool of creativity.” It’s all true, but jealous people might take it out of context.
Tucker: Yeah. People suck. But we have ways of controlling them that is like no other way ever invented in the history of the Internet or society.
Troy: Well, my problem was that I thought I knew more than everyone else – which I do. I created my own press and believed it. We faked script coverage. I pissed off a lot of people in Hollywood, including that dickbag Jew, Harvey Weinstein. Plus tons of other so-called powerful people. Burning tons of useless bridges. Fuck ‘em all, I say. I even called a very powerful female executive a “cunt.”
Tucker: …Well, was she?
Troy: Fuck yeah!
(Troy and Tucker chest bump)
Troy: I think my biggest regret was surrounding myself with an army of mindless ass kissing “yes” men who never called me on my shit. But maybe I’m wrong. Maybe… Do you have a posse?
Tucker: Yeah. I have a company called Ruduis Media. We spam message boards and delete anything that makes sense or has relevant counter logic towards are goals.
Troy: Are they loyal to your artistic visions?
Tucker: Fuck yeahs! Watch this shit – (screams to kitchen) Nils, you fucking boxhead, run into the wall three times, NOW!
Nils: Yes, sir… (BAM!) Ohhw! … (BAM!) Ohhw! … (BAM!) Ohhw!
Troy: I’m impressed.
Tucker: The Boondock Saints went theatrical tho, and was huge on DVD so it looks like you got the last laugh, motherfucker!
Troy: Actually, the film was released on one screen and grossed 23 thousand dollars. I signed away the DVD rights so that I could make the movie. The budget was only seven million dollars. I mean who the fuck can make a movie on seven million dollars?
Tucker: …um… Any regrets?
Troy: Regrets? Fuck no. I have lived life by my own rules. I made one of the best movies ever made. The characters in my movie have never been done before in the history of modern cinema. Actually looking back now, everything went exactly as I had planned. I changed the whole system single-handily. I won. Hollywood lost. It was revolutionary!
(Tucker moves in closer to Troy)
Tucker: Can I like, fucking… kiss you?
Reporter: (coughs)… hhhurrummpphh -- Tucker, I’m still here.
(Tucker jumps back and composes himself)
Tucker: This is Troy motherfucking Duffy, dude. He also made a great fucking movie.
Reporter: I know who he is. I brought him here. And I just saw you try to kiss him.
Tucker: You are 100% wrong. Keep making stuff up.
Reporter: Scroll up like three inches. You said “Can I like, fucking… kiss you?” You even puckered your lips.
Tucker: Never happened. You're so banned, asshole!
(Troy looks at watch)
Troy: I’m off to Starbucks.
Tucker: I love their fucking Frapacinos!
Troy: I don’t drink coffee… but I need to be there by five for my shift.
Tucker: (to reporter) See that, you asshole. This motherfucker Troy made one of the greatest movies in history on his own terms and brought Hollywood to their knees! And now he is working for one of the most successful companies in the world. Eat shit, you fucking suit!
Reporter: How long do you think your delusional life will exist before it comes crashing down in flames like the Hindenburg?
(How will Tucker respond? STAY TUNED….)
---- END OF PART THREE -----
---Tucker Max Interview transcript part 4 ----
Tucker: Listen… My name is Tucker Max, and I am an asshole. I get excessively drunk at inappropriate times, disregard social norms, indulge every whim, ignore the consequences of my actions, mock idiots and posers, sleep with more women than is safe or reasonable, and just generally act like a raging dickhead.
Reporter: You are the only human being I know that has a “cut and paste” function attached to their brain. You need to get some original thoughts. We were hoping at least for some original jokes in your script, but whatever. Playing this whole “ ‘I’m an asshole’ so therefore you can’t say anything to me because I disarmed you already” was funny at first. Like, years ago. But at some point you crossed the line to where you are now walking around a movie set and talking in third person. You call yourself an “artist” -with a straight face. You now act as if there is actual spirituality and a deeper meaning behind your persona. People are laughing at you behind your back. And worst of all, you created a fantasy world on a freaking message board that you actually believe exists. And you have turned your back on longtime friends like JoJo—
Tucker: That fucking Nig—
Reporter: --let me finish, horse face!
Tucker: Finish? You people make me laugh. You think you can go the distance with fucking Tucker Max?
Reporter: I know for a fact that I can not only go the distance with you, I can pass you. You see, we both go hiking with our dogs in the same Los Angeles Park. It’s called Runyon Canyon. Except when I enter the park I make a left and walk up the steep path that leads to the top of the hill. You go to the right, up the pussy trail that leads to mini-pussy-mountain.
Tucker: I tore the ACL in my knee, Dude. I’m an athlete and shit.
Reporter: Oh, the world is well aware of your athletic training. Here’s a recap of your attempt to become a body builder:
http://messageboard.tuckermax.com/showthread.php?t=19177
….It didn’t end well, did it? But at least you had an excuse, right?
(Frustrated, Tucker breaks out his computer and logs onto his message board)
Tucker: And… Five, four, three, two, one, Bitch! (Hits ‘delete’ key) Huh?
(Tucker angrily pounds on delete key.)
Tucker: What the fuck are you still doing here? I hit the fucking delete key.
Reporter: You still don’t understand do you? I exist in the real world. You cannot beat me or delete me. Your message board is full of a few hundred damaged people who live in fear. They are lonely and weak. If the truth appears they hit the delete key and run and hide behind you tiny legs and cyst-filled forearms. You should have stayed inside your computer, dude. Face it, you contribute nothing to humanity!
Tucker: But, I do contribute to humanity in one very important way. I share my adventures with the world. They are known as: The Tucker Max Stories.
Reporter: But the stories aren’t true!
Tucker: Yes they are.
Reporter: No they’re not.
Tucker: This one time I was dating this hot fucking model and shit, and she fucking, like, wanted to be a model and I was like, if you want to be a model you need to do like what they do in Europe. And she was like, whatever, and I was like you need to try bufthsects, and she was like whatever and we had wine and seafood and my buddy – this a true story – was like hiding in the fucking closet with a camera and I was like fucking her from like behind covered with astro glide, and then I felt like a warm splash and I fucking looked down and said – and this true – I said ‘did you shit on my dick?’ and she was like ‘omg, did you throw up on me?” so I throw up on her, she eats it and starts throwing up on me. And then, then, swear to God, my buddy, hahahah… my buddy, falls out of the closet and throws up on both of us, and the three of us are naked rolling around in a puddle of shit, seafood, wine, vomit and astro-glide…
Reporter: That’s fucking funny, actually. I have some time, why don’t we pop that tape in the VCR and kickback and laugh our asses off, dude?
Tucker: …um…well, like… um...my buddy fell and the camera, like, tilted and the magnetic thing … it was one of those old style cameras with the, yeah, exactly, and the magnetic thing was like—
Reporter: I work for a major news organization and we have a data recovery media division. We can salvage the tape easily.
Tucker: I left the tape in this chick’s car.
Reporter: Well, let’s call her and get it. This will be a huge credibility booster for you.
Tucker: Problem is this, and this is a true fucking story, right, so she asked me to park her car and I’m like totally shitfaced, I got puke on my shirt, two logs in my underwear, blood coming out of my ears, a camelback filled with moonshine and I can’t find a fucking spot for this car, so I drive around the block a few times until I find a small spot, and then, and this is true, I back the fucking car up too far and jump the curb and the car goes backwards into a donut shop. I’m talking smashed front window, broken tables and chairs. I’m inside the fucking store.
Reporter: That’s fucked up. How much was bail?
Tucker: Bail? No, I just kind of like, split down the block and went to a bar of some shit.
Reporter: When you saw it on the news you must have felt lucky to get away with driving a car into a restaurant, no?
Silence.
(Tucker quickly hits the delete key on his computer 50 more times)
Reporter: Maybe if you had some witness to some of these stories it would help.
Tucker: You want witnesses, motherfucker? I’m Tucker Max, I don’t need witnesses.
Reporter: How about just one? On single person to verify anything.
(Tucker breaks out his cell phone and dials)
Tucker: (into phone) “I need you guys to come by my apartment now!”
(The doorbell RINGS)
Reporter: Wow, that was fast.
(Tucker opens the door and sees a delivery man.)
Delivery Man: Who ordered the six-foot pastrami sandwich with extra pickles?
Nils: That would be me. Sorry, I need to ingest at least 17,000 calories a day just to maintain my pulse.
(The delivery man leaves and Nils starts eating the sandwich in the open doorway.)
Tucker: Fucking, Nils! Must you eat it at the exact location of first contact?
Nils: I just need enough to give me energy to make it back across to the kitchen.
(Frustrated, Tucker and the reporter get a hand-truck and wedge it under Nils’ feet. They lean him back and wheel him and his food into the kitchen.)
(The doorbell rings again.)
(Tucker opens the door. He looks relieved.)
Tucker: Thank God you assholes are here.
WHO IS AT THE DOOR??? STAY TUNED….
----- END PART FOUR----
When we last left off, Tucker was about to prove his stories are true, so he called some friends over.)
(The doorbell rings again. Tucker goes to answer it.)
Tucker: Get in here you assholes!
(In walks 4 people. They are…)
A fat girl.
A small frail dork with a lazy eye.
A heinous Asian girl.
A greasy haired fat doofus in a camouflage vest.
Tucker: (to the group) Tell this idiot about how I met you and what greatness you witnessed as I decimated you through superior debating skills, sheer intellect and the art of war, and shit?
Fat Girl: We were at this exclusive party at some fancy townhouse. They had bartenders and stuff. And food. Lots of food.
Lazy Eyed Dork: Tucker showed up with a small group of Navy Seals. Big muscular guys… I think they were drunk.
(Tucker smacks the Lazy Eyed Dork)
Tucker: I didn’t ask you to “think” you wall-eyed freak!
Asian Girl: Why you no rike me? You want me frip over?
Tucker: Shut up Ming-Mong before I blind fold you with dental floss!
Guy With Camo Vest: Leave her alone, dude.
Tucker: Well, well, well… If it isn’t the Pillsbury Commando. When was the last time you washed—
Reporter: Whoa, whoa – wait a minute. These four people are from one of your stories?
Fat Girl: The donuts story.
Tucker: It figures you’d remember the name, Double-wide!
Fat Girl: I’m not that fat.
Reporter: …um… your body language does say “Arby’s”
(Tucker goes over to ‘hi-five’ reporter)
Reporter: Get those micro-mitts away from me, Chinzilla.
Tucker: Well suit, have my witnesses made my case or not?
Reporter: Let me ask a few questions first.
(Tucker rolls his eyes)
Reporter: Fat girl, what is your name?
Tucker: (nervous) She doesn’t have to answer that. (to fat girl) Shut up!
Reporter: Can any of you four state your names?
Tucker: (warns) Don’t answer, assholes.
Guy With Camo Vest: What’s a name?
(Reporter reaches over and tries to touch Camo Vest guy but his hand just passes through him as if he’s a ghost. The guy is vapor.)
Reporter: Do any of you four even exist?
Guy With Camo: (sheepishly admits) …Up until minutes ago when Tucker summoned us into his fantasy land I was part of a Nimbus cloud floating over Burbank.
Asian Girl: (admits) And I was a brute-a-ful lainbow!
(Pissed, Tucker breaks out a vacuum cleaner and sucks the four witnesses inside the hose.)
(Nils enters, sweating)
Nils: I’m sorry, were you guys just talking about Arby’s?
(Tucker beats Nils with the vacuum hose until he retreats into his feeding room)
Reporter: This isn’t good you know, right?
Tucker: What? This? This is awesome and going BETTER that we expected. You people make me laugh. Keep “talking about my movie.” The word of mouth will make this movie huge.
Reporter: But “Snakes on a Plane” had the largest film buzz and word of mouth in history and it failed.
Tucker: But that’s because the script and subsequently, the film, was not good. In their case word of mouth didn’t matter. The script is the only factor.
Reporter: But people are saying your script is awful.
Tucker: Maybe so… BUT, their talking about it causes tremendous word of mouth. And word of mouth will make this huge. The script is not important.
Reporter: Are you mentally retarded?
Tucker: I’m Tucker Fucking Max.
Reporter: So it seems… Look. I asked for someone you know to call in on speaker phone. Do you mind?
Tucker: I can’t grow enough dicks to handle the pussy that is thrown at me.
Reporter: For the record, I haven’t seen ANY pussy being thrown at you, ever.
Tucker: That’s because you’ve never been here for “Tucker: After Dark” asshole!
(Nils enters wearing a Speedo carrying two buckets of KFC Original Recipe)
Nils: Are you ready for another all-night marathon of ‘Mario Kart’, Tucker?
(Tucker opens a closet, pushes Nils in it and SLAMS the door shut)
(The phone rings)
Reporter: (pushes speaker phone button) Is that you, Dennis?
Daddy Max: To the Max, baby!
Tucker: (surprised) Daddy?
--WHAT WILL MISTER MAX REVEAL? (MANY THINGS)----
STAY TUNED
----END OF PART FIVE ------
---TUCKER MAX INTERVIEW TRANSCRIPT PART 6 -----
(When we last left off, Tucker’s Dad had just called into the interview. He is on speaker phone)
Daddy Max: (on phone) My little Buckaroo! How the movie stuff coming, kiddo?
Tucker: Revolutionary! We’re having food on the set.
Daddy Max: Isn’t that called catering?
Reporter: I tried to tell him that.
Daddy Max: Well, I tried telling him not to act like a dickhead his whole life – but kids will be kids, right?
Tucker: Daddy! Hang up the phone. This is bullshit.
Reporter: Mister Max we appreciate you taking the time for this call. We know you are a very busy man who owns and operates a large chain of restaurants in Florida.
Daddy Tucker: To the Max, baby. Been in the business since the 70s and things are really cooking. Hard work, strong character, focused goals and a clear vision – plus an all you can eat salad bar - have really paid off! LOL! [editor’s note: Mr. Max actually said “LOL”]
Reporter: You can’t argue with success. The numbers speak for themselves, Dennis.
Daddy Tucker: So true, baby. Oh… can you guys hold for a moment, I have to take care of something – (speaks to someone on his end -- “…Bobby, can you rush two shrimp cocktails out to table eight, and bring some crab cakes to the Siegel’s..” ) – Sorry about that, where were we?
Reporter: We were talking about your restaurant business.
Daddy Max: You mean the business Tucker inherits the day I croak?
Reporter: Well, he does deserve it, right?
Daddy Max: If you call getting two buckets of ice for the bar, wrapping potatoes in aluminum foil for a total of about10 hours, and once working coat check on a Sunday, I’d say no – but the little prick always seems to get what he wants in the end, right?
Tucker: Daddy, I want an Ompalompa. And I want it now!
Daddy Max: What happened to the last one I bought you?
Tucker: …Nils ate it.
---TUCKER MAX INTERVIEW TRANSCRIPT PART 6 -----
(When we last left off, Tucker’s Dad had just called into the interview. He is on speaker phone)
Daddy Max: (on phone) My little Buckaroo! How the movie stuff coming, kiddo?
Tucker: Revolutionary! We’re having food on the set.
Daddy Max: Isn’t that called catering?
Reporter: I tried to tell him that.
Daddy Max: Well, I tried telling him not to act like a dickhead his whole life – but kids will be kids, right?
Tucker: Daddy! Hang up the phone. This is bullshit.
Reporter: Mister Max we appreciate you taking the time for this call. We know you are a very busy man who owns and operates a large chain of restaurants in Florida.
Daddy Tucker: To the Max, baby. Been in the business since the 70s and things are really cooking. Hard work, strong character, focused goals and a clear vision – plus an all you can eat salad bar - have really paid off! LOL! [editor’s note: Mr. Max actually said “LOL”]
Reporter: You can’t argue with success. The numbers speak for themselves, Dennis.
Daddy Tucker: So true, baby. Oh… can you guys hold for a moment, I have to take care of something – (speaks to someone on his end -- “…Bobby, can you rush two shrimp cocktails out to table eight, and bring some crab cakes to the Siegel’s..” ) – Sorry about that, where were we?
Reporter: We were talking about your restaurant business.
Daddy Max: You mean the business Tucker inherits the day I croak?
Reporter: Well, he does deserve it, right?
Daddy Max: If you call getting two buckets of ice for the bar, wrapping potatoes in aluminum foil for a total of about10 hours, and once working coat check on a Sunday, I’d say no – but the little prick always seems to get what he wants in the end, right?
Tucker: Daddy, I want an Ompalompa. And I want it now!
Daddy Max: What happened to the last one I bought you?
Tucker: …Nils ate it.
Reporter: Why Otto?
Daddy Max: Well, when we did a sonogram on his mother at the hospital, we saw that Otto’s – er, I mean Tucker’s head was already the size of a full-grown adult. He looked like one of those caricatures drawing from the fifties where the head is like 8 times the size of the body. We had to use a crane during birth. It was a freak sh—
Tucker: I hate you, old man!
Daddy Max: Don’t say that, Buckaroo.
(Tucker starts to sob)
Reporter: But why the name Otto?
Daddy Max: Well, with the giant melon head and all we were sure he’d be a drooling basket case, or at least have learning problems. I figured if he’s dyslexic and reading shit backwards at least he’d be able to spell his name correctly.
Reporter: That’s pretty smart actually.
Daddy Max: The Max mind is always ten steps ahead of the game, baby. That’s how I thrive while the others survive, cheech.
Reporter: What ever happened to Otto, the porn actor?
Daddy Max: Poor bastard never got his career off the ground. We booked him in a film, I forget the name, either “Shitty Shitty, Bang Bang” or “Shower Cops #7” – whatever it was. Otto Rodz never got past his name. It didn’t work. He left after that one film and moved to Los Angeles and lived with some roommates in the shady part of town. Tried to be a body-builder… Wrote some shitty script about his life or whatever. Total failure, baby.
Reporter: Tucker, why haven’t you mentioned any of this before?
Silence.
Reporter: Tucker, are you there?
Daddy Max: Buckaroo?
---WHERE THE HELL IS TUCKER??? ---
To be continued…
----END OF PART SIX ------
To the poster who made note of the recent upswing in blog-funny.... An explanation.
You see, my children, these posts are the closest most of you will ever step toward the glory that once was TMMB. Like those creepy crystal skulls in the abortion that was the last IJ film, old board members have been reunited to close this chapter of history.
Close your eyes and imagine a board where posters where this creative and amusing on am hourly basis. Relax as your mind begins to accept the idea that those who were self aggrandizng pieces of hit got called on it. Yet, not called in a "I stole your leukemia'd grandma's medic alert bracelet" retaliation... More in a comedic commiseration that we were all flawed but better for existing as a group.
Enter the MTV crowd. Enter the first book crowd. Next, I think, the lawsuit crowd. Enter the spawn of Satan`s evil brother.... I mean the Hollywood crowd. Not just the movie fanboys; the CC brass, the Entourage players, and the cheap talent galore... Just trying to catch a ride.
The place went to shit. Gone were the quality posts with decent writing. Gone were the humorous slams directed at everyone on a deserved basis. In came the child mods... Eager to assert e-muscle backed by splintered personalities only exceeded by those of the board namesake.
The old guard slowly stopped showing up. In a time before rep points, mod wars, and sycophant delusions... We were the TMMB and we were funny, interesting, and we would have supported Tucker not because he might (emphasis) make a hit film. We would have supported him because it took some vulnerability to show your ass to the world. We appreciated that but it wasn't enough...
If you visited RMMB before the tard tsunami, hi old friend. Didn't we have some good times?
If you didn't make it until the last few years, I probably hate you and might have told you so in pm. Though, if you've seen the light, I forgive you.
Unless you were a fourth gen mod, in which case, fuck you still. I always had more rep than you not because I schilled for it with boobs, ass, brown nosing, or pity posts but because people liked what I had to share. I realize that is hard for you to grasp since everything you ever wrote came from Fark or 4chan.
Please don't stop the funny. Thanks for sending the link my way.
PS, Tucker dear, our hearts ache for you. Personality disorders suck and I'm sure the negative posts are flaring up a shame cycle. I'm afraid this is the kind of dirty fuckin skanks can't hide. The character flaws that drew us to you in 03 have exponentially grown into delusions that are painful to watch. Your posts scream out how alone you are right now. It obvious that everyone who kept you grounded is otherwise occupied.
Thanks for listening kind listeners. Please excuse typos.. Typing on a blackberry on a train.
What I want to know then is - what's the URL for the mod's only board.
Wouldn't help you to have it... Can't see it unless you are signed in as mod.
Now, tech request, how do I arrange this thread so I can see newest first when I load instead of scrolling to bottom of last page while reading mobile on train?
"PS, Tucker dear, our hearts ache for you. Personality disorders suck and I'm sure the negative posts are flaring up a shame cycle. I'm afraid this is the kind of dirty fuckin skanks can't hide. The character flaws that drew us to you in 03 have exponentially grown into delusions that are painful to watch. Your posts scream out how alone you are right now. It obvious that everyone who kept you grounded is otherwise occupied."
Wow that post just sounded really creepy almost...
"Now, tech request, how do I arrange this thread so I can see newest first when I load instead of scrolling to bottom of last page while reading mobile on train?"
I don't see a way to do that. There is a collapse comments link at the top. It could make your scroll shorter.
https://www.blogger.com/comment.g?postID=117436504077523328&blogID=21127102&isPopup=false&page=34
Just use that link instead, and if it gets longer, make the last number 35, etc.
IMDB Post-Part 1
Tucker's blog recently posted one of his patented devices: the fake email. The latest one is particularly amusing because it not only uses one of his time worn devices, but this one brings out the fake military character that is also one of Tucker's favorite devices. So a fake email with a fake military character, and a fake movie review is a Tucker Max trifecta. For those of you whose intelligence is not easily insulted, here is the alleged email from an Airborne Officer with my comments:
"Dude,"
Ok, there is the first problem. Army officers, unlike frat boys, generally don't address emails as "Dude," but let's keep going.
"Hope all is well. I'm sure it's very hectic but satisfying work."
OK, here is an army officer who leads young men into combat and he is commenting that promoting a movie about poopie, puke, and wedding hijinks is "very hectic but satisfying" as opposed to jumping out of airplanes into combat which is relaxing and unsatisfying.
"I just wanted to shoot you a quick one to let you know something a paratrooper told me today."
Does this sound like something off a Jonas Bros fan club web page or what? --Dear Jonas Brothers, I just wanted to shoot you a quick one about how much I loved your new outfit I saw in Tiger Beat.-- And paratrooper? There are a million ways a real training officer refers to raw recruits, "paratrooper" isn't one of them-- particularly because this guy has never jumped "in division."
"Trust me. It's awesome."
Hi,Tucker. This is totally Tucker's writing style. No army officer used to writing reports to other soldiers writes this way. And who more than Tucker says "Trust me." You could create a drinking game out of how many times he says "Trust me."
"I was waiting to jump out of a plane today so I basically sat around for a long time."
See above. This officer training combat troops was bored and hanging around, but had plenty of time for his buddy Tucker.
"A private came up to me, it was his first jump in division, and said something pretty awesome."
Please. All the things that can go wrong when you have new guys jumping out of a plane, and this guy is inspired to talk about Tucker's movie. And, again, the officer talks like a Valley Girl circa 1983.
IMDB Post Part 2
But lets go back to the cliche of a redneck recruit. Should we go to Platoon, Full Metal Jacket, Apocalypse Now, Three Kings, etc. No, let's go way back to, . . . . Gomer Pyle.
" Mind you, he is about 19 yrs old, out grew up in "the country parts of the US"
Mayberry, in fact. The Sheriff of the town was Andy Griffin and he has a brother named Goober.
"and had NEVER EVEN HEARD OF THE BOOK"
That's impossible, everybody has heard of Tucker's book! Also, Tucker likes to use All caps in his stories for emphasis.
". other than buzz from another soldier he lived by.'
Man, good thing everybody else has heard about it, Mayberry must really be out there.
"He attended the screening cause his friends claimed it would be awesome. He also had a very surprising critical sense (for a cherry 19 yr old) in comparing the films."
Well, what is he? Is he a total ignorant redneck hick, or a sophisticated film critic? How does it compare with Delta Farce? I also like the Platoon inspired reference to a new private as "cherry 19 year old." Don't officers now just call all their privates, Dude, now?
"He said, (all in an extremely southern twang accent): "Sarrr, I jis wann thank you fur dat movie you had dere for us.""
From Gomer Pyle to Amos & Andy?. "Lookey Here Amos." Newsflash to Tucker: There is something in this country called TV, and it has been surprisingly effective at homogenizing American speech patterns over the past 40 years--even in the rural south. This is starting to sound like the What "you no rike me' Asian stereotype Tucker uses in his stories.
"Me: "Yea no problem dude"'
Continuing to cast the Army Officer as a Surfer Dude, Spicolli, circa 1982?
"[digress from the accent]"
OK, the Army officer writes in an email: [Digress from accent} Is the Army Officer a budding internet poopie author?
"See sir, the thing is I saw The Hangover about a week after. I mean, it was ok. But compared to the Tucker Movie, [this is the only name he knew it by]"
OK, this genius film critic sat through a 2 hour movie and doesn't remember the title, only the genius writer, but he does remember the title of Hangover. Note to Tucker, change the title, nobody can remember it, not even your biggest fans.
IMDB Post 3.
"it was boring. The Tucker Movie just kept on hitting you over and over again. I barely had time to catch my breath from laughin sarr."
Yessr Master, that Al Jolson is jus so funny. Oh, I forgot, I was digressing from the accent! But here is where the ignorant redneck shows his brilliance:
"Hangover just kinda moved slowly. Hangover also was unrealistic sarr."
Lookey here, that Hangover movie slow and unrealistic? And how that Mr. Jolson character in that other movie we see talk along with the picture? The movies back home don have no soun.
" The Tucker Movie was real and truly funny. I mean Hangover just kinda got slapstick after a while. I like the Mike Tyson part but other than that I wasn't really able to enjoy it after the Tucker Movie."
Isn't this what Katy Johnson told Tucker about his lovemaking skills? Nothing could or would ever compare. Once you had Tucker, you never go back.
"Me: "So you're basically telling me that you blew your load with 'The Tucker Movie' and everything else you've seen just ain't cutting it?"'
OK, now this random Army Officer is writing exactly like Tucker. Plotting out the dialogue exactly like Tucker does. I also like the Me/Him outline which is textbook Tucker. Can't we throw in a fat Asian girl character here because Tucker does a great fake Asian accent. Or how about a fake Mexican soldier. "Si, senor captain, Tucker muy loco!"
"Him: "Yes sarr!"
Now, the redneck private sounds like the guys that stand behind Louis Farrakan and give the chorus of yesses!
" I did! I mean I wish i could see it again and again. It was just hilarious. And others i see just don't match up.""
Again, this is Katy Johnson and Farakan's Yes-men together in one character. This poor private is now ruined as far as movies. Nothing that can ever happen to him will ever compare. Delta Farce is now a distant memory.
"Me: "Well it'll come out eventually and you'll get your chance."
Him: " I hope so sarr, everyone keeps talkin bout it tho in battalion. I even told my dad and family on block leave how awesome it was. He couldn't believe that the guy came down to do it for us. I told him that it was great and he's definitely gonna see it when it comes out.""
Now this is almost like a redneck "Deliverance" inspired Flomax commercial. All you need is the voiceover. Ask your Doctor about Flomax. I can almost picture the officer and the private jumping out of the plane together with a big flomax parachute.
Imdb Post part 4.
For those playing the drinking game at home, here are the Trust me references from his recent blog entries:
"I am doing a very cool private screening on June 17th for a special group of people. I will post about it, complete with video, the next day. Don't ask if you can come, trust me, you don't want to be part of the group that is being invited to this screening. There is a reason they won't be able to see the movie when it comes out."
"I know I have said this like, 100 times before, but trust me: This movie is going to really, really well. It's the right movie at the right place and in the right time."
"But trust me on this: These two movies are about as different as two movies can be, while still being in the same basic genre (the R-rated male comedy). The Hangover is just like most all other Hollywood comedies, except its funnier. The piece of feedback we get the most consistently across all screenings is this, "I can't really describe this in terms of another movie--it's not like any other movie."
If you were playing the all caps drinking game, you would be seriously drunk! Tucker loves allcaps!
"We were the TMMB"
Whaddya mean 'we', kemosabe?
Quite a few of us are here just entirely to watch Tucker crash and burn, and have never liked him or any of the people he's ever had around him.
'CAUSE UNIIIIIIITEEEEED BREAKS GUITAAAARS
I'm actually looking forward to this trailer. It will be the first real indicator outside of Tucker's own version of the truth. He said it's will be ready soon which makes me think August.
Not sure if I agree with his theory that the best jokes need to be kept out of the trailer. The trailer is you commercial for the movie. Make it funny and seductive to the viewer. The Hangover showed tons of jokes and is heading for 300 million. I downloaded the Hangover and thought it was funny, but it was nothing more than Dude. where's my car in Vegas.
I think once we see the trailer for IHTSBIH it will be time for us all to take a side on this bet.
Curious what Tucker has in store for his college tour regarding publicity stunts, paid protestors, morning zoo shows, date rapes, arrests.. There has to be something up his sleeve.
74 days out: Some good updates - July 12, 2009 06:23 PM (Deconstructed)
Slow day, not much going on and have nothing to say? When has that ever stopped Tucker Max?
“Let's get straight to the updates:”
As opposed to when he “got gay” with the other updates.
“-Trailer: We finished the trailer today,”
You know what drives me crazy? When a sports team wins something and their fans come out screaming; “WE’VE WON!!! WE’VE WON!!!” YOU didn’t do shit besides maybe buy a stupid shirt and cheer.
Anyway, when Tucker says “we” in regards to any producing work, that’s pretty much what he is to the film, a guy wearing a Favre jersey and a cheesehead hat. He has no job on the movie whatsoever at this point.
“and I think it's really fucking good.”
Yeah dude, but you also said that your script was revolutionary, so your opinion is null and void.
“It is funny without giving the best jokes away”
Awww, no “don’t taze me bro!!”
“it tells you what the movie is about without giving any plot twists away,”
Tucker, unless the ending of this film is of the character of you coming out and saying you as a writer are a total fraud and a liar, there are no plot twists.
There’s barely a plot for crissakes.
“it has a lot in it without making you feel like you've already seen the movie,”
I have seen it, in fact I left a steaming pile of I Hope The Serve Beer In Hell in the bowl this morning.
“and MOST importantly--it maintains the spirit and edge of the movie”
Are there any lawyers here? Because I seriously want to know if I could get away with murder due to insanity when Tucker says “It’s a triumph of the common man” .
“while still being within the parameters of a green band trailer (at least I think it is, we still need MPAA approval).”
Actually, you need audience approval.
“It'll take another week to test it out on a few audiences and do the audio mix,”
Test audience for a trailer? Yeah dude, you’re revolutionizing “indie films” alright. Totally not Hollywood at all, not one bit.
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