The story below was copied from a
Facebook.com account. A link to this story in the comments to an older post awhile ago.
Tucker Max's face, meet Megan ******'s hand
Megan was discussing ball shaving with a nice man at a tailgate. Good start to this story;) NE ways, Tucker Max was also at the tailgate and started talking shit to Megan (he obviously thought she was a hot girl who would sleep w/ him if acted like an asshole, and he was showing off in front of his buddies). Megan hit him on the arm, and he said that meant Megan wanted to fuck him because if she hit him in the face, then he'd know she was mad. She then dissed his elastic waistband (yes, he was wearing elastic waistband shorts, what is he, 12?), and he said "its so stupid bitch whores like you can suck my dick without any confusion." So she slapped him in the face!!!
Tucker threw his drink at her, Candice threw her drink at Tucker with lightning fast reflexes, then he proceeded to grab Megan by her hair and hit her in the face with his pathetically small hands. With a bruised face, and a bruised ego, he took his shriveled penis back to his buddies.
In Tucker Max's own words, "My name is Tucker Max, and I am an asshole." Oh, and he hits girls.
15,917 comments:
«Oldest ‹Older 6201 – 6400 of 15917 Newer› Newest»btw I'm a race car driver.
^^^ I'm his friend from the Racing Academy, and I can verify this
NEWS:
IHTSBIH will not get the 450 theater release as Tucker claimed. Freestyle has ACCESS to 450 theaters with the right project (the Illusionist was an exception because they teamed with another distributor). Apparently this was not that "right project".
Tucker's movie will play on less than 100 screens, possibly less than 50 (not including his bus tour, which Freestyle is against).
From TM's referenced list of 10 most profitable movies ever (Blair Witch Project): "Like many of the movies on this list the marketing costs far outweighed the production budget, but in a shrewd and pioneering move the creators made the internet its publicity bitch, creating its own mythology and stoking online rumour mills. A practice that Hollywood has been milking ever since."
Of the top 10 movies, only 1 had a budget near $1m, most of them were made before 2000, etc., etc.
I'm sure TM thinks that there is a ton of internet "buzz" about his vanity project's release date, but aside from his pitiful blog & this gleeful site, is anyone else even paying attention?
"And I can promise you that no one has ever gotten the backend deal that we got. Ever. You'll see this play out over the next few years if things go right, but what we will be capable of doing, no one has ever done. The old structure of the system prevented it. You probably can't see it because either you don't understand the studio system, or you understand it so much you can't see beyond it."
Could he be a bigger douchebag?
"Tucker's movie will play on less than 100 screens, possibly less than 50 (not including his bus tour, which Freestyle is against)."
hahahahahahahahahahaha
I hope they manage to kill it, I'd like to see him explain that
how is he going to make $6,000,000 back?
in order to beat blair witch, tucke rill have to do $6,000,000 * 7094 =~ $42 billion at the boxoffice!!
is $42 billion possible on 50 screens and a bus tour? how many more midgets would he have to demean? how many more beauty queens reputations would he have to destroy? how many more secretive taping of butthhects and lost/broken tapes?
http://blog.knowyourmoney.co.uk/index.php/2009/06/10-movies-you-should-have-invested-in-the-most-profitable-films-ever-made/
"I promised updates, here they are:"
Thank you, you benevolent bastard!!!!
"-Trailer: I saw the second cut of the trailer yesterday. I didn't watch the first because Sean called me and told me, for my own mental health, to not watch it."
Because it was all hijynxy and shit.
"He remembers how I reacted to the first time I saw the rough cut--it was not good"
When you think about it, "it was not good" should be Tucker's mantra when describing his movie, but you know, he's full of shit.
"--so I took his advice and waited for him and Nils to give their notes to the trailer company and watch the second cut."
Not that it mattered since I've been relegated to 3rd class citizen status on my own movie.
"We all saw the second cut yesterday, and I am glad I took Sean's advice on the first cut. The second cut was...it made me not want to see the movie,"
Which is saying a lot since he already stated how much money the movie is going to make....
Maybe it was too hijynxy?
"which is the worst thing a trailer can do obviously. It needs work."
Yeah dude, but you can't make chicken salad out of chicken shit.
"Actually, that's false. It needs to be scrapped and completely re-conceptualized. "
As did the entire script, casting and overall film.
"The problem is that we tried to make a trailer like every other Hollywood comedy"
Except with IHTSBIH they had nothing to work with to make it funny.
"--meaningless cuts, goofy jokes, show the hijinks and get out--and that doesn't work"
Tucker, dude, I fucking know, I read your script(s).
"with this movie because that is not at all what this movie is about. Not at all."
Tucker's movie is sort of like a mix between Proof and Milk, but with a lot more buthsects. That's what it is, that's the crux of his art.
"This is not a big deal, I know the material is there to make a kickass trailer"
You also think the material is there to make a competent film, but hey...
"but we are going to have to really think about it and work on it, instead of just plugging scenes in the standard Hollywood comedy template."
And maybe I'll just plug Nils in his standard Hollywood fat friend template.
"This is not a paint-by-numbers movie"
No doubt dude, it's more finger paintesque.
"so the standard way of doing things won't work most of the time."
Especially when you're making a comedy that isn't funny and virtually unwatchable. You need to break from the mold in these cases.
"All this means is that we probably won't have the trailer done by the time we were hoping."
Which won't really matter since we don't want anybody to see anything about the movie before it comes out so nobody makes fun of me.
"Sucks, but whatever, welcome to making movies. Nothing is ever on time. But it'll be up soon, I promise."
Thank you, you benevolent sonofabitch!!!
"-Poster: No proofs yet. Will post my thoughts when they come in, then post the poster as soon as we finish it."
I'll probably just get Ben or Bunny to do it, because frankly I don't have to pay them and anybody can make a movie poster.
"-Movie edition of the book: So this is kinda cool--
Why not go for broke and make a comic book, then make it an animated movie, then make it an animated kids show. Those Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have nothing on Tucker Max
"my publisher decided to do a special "Movie Edition" of the book."
Because basically his publisher is trying to milk every penny from Tucker before 1) his 15 minutes of semi-fame is up, 2) his liver gives out 3) he actually hits the radar and somebody exposes him as a fraud and a liar.
"It'll be the exact same stories, but the front cover will be the movie poster instead of me, and there will be a 16 page insert of color photos from the set. "
All 50 people on my message board will totally buy this shit.
"Plus Nils and I wrote like a one page introduction that was kinda funny."
'Kinda funny'? 'Kinda funny'? Motherfucker, it's revolutionary. People will see your one page introduction and it will make all other one page introductions passe'. You're Tucker Max goddammit, act like a man!!!!!
"It'll be released in early September to coincide with the movie release, and will only have a limited run, like 30,000 copies or something,"
Of which 29500 will be shipped back directly to the publisher.
"then in November or so we'll go back to the normal cover and shit."
and shit.
"It's nothing really new, so please don't be in a frantic rush to run out and buy it, but if you are into collectors items or shit like that, it would probably be cool to have. I'll post more about it when it's closer to release."
Fuck you Tucker Max. Don't you tell me to not be in a frantic rush to buy your totally awesome (and totally true) book!!!! Now I know why somebody always dies at a Wal-Mart around Christmas. I'm going to run over some child with my size 11's as soon as this fucker comes out at the Virgin Megastore or wherever else they place it near a register for impulse buyers.
"-New site: Carrot Creative is hard at work getting the new site together, we should have it up in a few weeks."
Wait, not THE Carrot Creative!!! THat's huge, they're revolutionary.
"Plus they are going to re-do the Facebook fan page, and the Myspace page. Lots of new features, plus it will feature the red-band trailer, so it should be cool."
You should be worrying about whether people think your script was cool rather than swag bags and websites, but then again those guys at Darko do keep you busy.
"-So get this: When you get your rating from the MPAA, they actually send you a signed, embossed and sealed form that says, in red print, what your rating is. Seriously, here is ours:"
(Rated S for SHITTY)
"I don't know why, but this certificate made me erupt in laughter."
Which is about the only laughter involved with the film.
[BTW--it says distributor "not set" because we submitted the movie for a rating like, four or five months ago.]
"-The Premiere Tour: Our guy is hard at work booking all of our stops,"
Awesome, tell Ryan Holliday I think he sucks before he gets too busy with booking shit and shit.
"and we have a conference call tomorrow to go over everything. It looks like we have a few cities we are going to have to skip because of various problems with finding an appropriate venue"
meaning they said "NO FUCKING WAY"
"but no big deal, we'll just replace them with other cities close by."
So instead of New York City, we're going to play in Newburgh New York. What the fuck does New York City know about film anyhow. Newburgh is the new Austin.
"As soon as we lock every stop down, we will start selling tickets, and YES, for the fourth time, people on the mailing list, and Facebook fans, and Twitter followers and MySpace fans will get first shot at tickets. So pick your permission asset and sign up now."
What the fuck is an permission asset? Are you getting 3rd graders to fill the seats?
"And good news: I think we found a way to hit the west coast in the later part of the tour, so it looks like we will be stopping in Tucson, Tempe, San Diego and LA, and maybe San Francisco and Seattle, all in late September. No promises, but we are trying to make it all work."
THat's great, none of those places know good cinema. I mean, if I'm in LA, why would I want to watch Puma Swede give me a 20 dollar lapdance at the Peppermint Rhino when I could pay 30 bucks to WATCH HER ACT. There's nothing to do in LA anyhow.
Will somebody please pull Tucker's MPAA certificate out of your browser cache and make it available to us on here?
^^^ Tucker-Deconstructor-Guy, PLEASE don't stop. You may be the best thing on this blog since Fake Tucker Fan and the Interview Guy.
Tucker is setting up to announce that there will be no trailer for the film. His reason will be "none of them were good enough" or some shit.
Fuck all that movie stuff anyway. What I want to know is How old is my favorite basement dweller "silly little freak"doing. When are you too old to moderate a message board for free like 22, What else has that guy been doing except talking down to people and pretending to be someone.
SLF smelly, stupid and unemployed is no way to go through life.
Suddenly it is clear: Tucker knows EXACTLY what the value of his writing is. He describes his own book as being a cover "and shit".
Does anyone else find it odd that a 21-22 year old child with no job has the ability to go out ever night and hop bar to bar, restaurant to restaurant, hop flights to Vegas, check in to suites, gamble and go to strip clubs ALL WITHOUT A SOURCE OF INCOME?
Let’s price out an average Tucker day based on one of his stories,
"BLT and I drank our first 30-pack by ten a.m." (Beer = $15)
"McGoo and Brecken pulled over to a liquor store where I grabbed some more alcohol: a fifth of vodka, two red bulls, Gatorade and another twelve pack."
(Vodka, mixers, more beer $30)
"The football game wasn't going to start for seven hours, so Jiller, Big One, Cupcakes and I set out to damage some state school posers at a local bar. Once inside I found the bartender and ordered 15 shots of Tequila and 15 drafts."
(Drinks and game tickets = $120)
"A hot chick and her fat friend came over and started talking to me. They asked me to buy them drinks. I told the fat one to 'go smoke a ham' while I took the hot one into the bathroom. We were going at it pretty hard doggy style and I was about to cum when I lost my footing and slammed her head through the sheetrock wall. I fell forward and the force of my body severed her head at the neck. She was now decapitated, and worse he bled all over my clothes. I hid her in the janitor’s closet and placed her head back on her body like a rock 'em sock 'em robot. There was no fucking way I was going back into the bar covered in blood. Let alone blood from a state school chick. I climbed out the window, stripped nude in the middle of the street, ditching my old clothes in a trash can before I found an Old Navy store. The girl at the counter was shocked. I told her it was a fraternity stunt and she took pity. I bought a whole new outfit. She gave me her number."
(Clothes, shoes, etc = $200)
"At this point I was getting hungry so I grabbed Drake, Fear, Toto and DingDong and went to a steakhouse. We grabbed a table in the back near the kitchen. The waiter brought us a bottle of jack and some cokes that's why I saw it. Steakzilla! On the menu was a 3 pound steak called Steakzilla, if you could eat the whole thing in under an hour it was free. If not it cost sixty dollars. Fuck it, how could I lose? Who orders a three pound steak you ask? Tucker Max does. At this point DingDong and Toto were getting bored and hungry. Dingdong literally grabbed a chef apron and walked into the kitchen and started cooking wings. The waiter brought out my steak and I went to work. Meanwhile DingDong has now proceeded to set the restaurant's kitchen on fire. I swear on my life. The deep fryer had exploded sending hot grease everywhere. Two of the Mexican workers were so badly burned that they couldn't see where they were going and they kept banging their heads into the doorframes. When their heads hit they made a 'TONK' sound the same way it sounds when federal agents beat illegal aliens over the head ay the border. It was so awesome. DingDong and Toto snuck out the back stiffing me with check. I gladly paid it after enjoying the freak show I just witnessed. It was time for some fun."
(Appetizers, Entree, drinks = $350)
"I couldn't find my game tickets so I stumbled around the parking lot. That's when I spotted a hot chick in a convertible parked by the lake. She was nearly passed out. This would be easy. 'Your daddy must have been a baker, because you've got a nice set of buns,' I offered. She laughed and told me to climb in. We were going at it pretty hard. I hate fucking in cars. But I love fucking more than I hate cars. Follow the logic. I was pumping away pretty good when I noticed a crowd of like five hundred people were watching us. This only made me hornier. The car's stick shift kept poking me so I pulled off the chick's top to move her to the back seat. That's when I noticed that it wasn't the stick shift that was poking me, but rather my chick’s large cock! OMG I'm fucking a dude. I was going to run as fast as I could but then I heard the crowd chant. 'Suck it, suck it, suck it' Call me crazy but I went for it. Fifteen minutes later I was standing in front of a cheering crowd of one-thousand. I grabbed a bullhorn from someone car and squelched "Raise your hand if you have ever sucked off a drag queen in a parking lot." The crowd went crazy. Too bad the cops didn't share their enthusiasm. I was arrested and book with Indecent Exposure, Sex in Public and a few more crimes, Bail was set at fifty-thousand.
When PattyMelt, StringCheese and Archie-Boy arrived to bail me out, I realized I missed most of the game. Archie-Boy told me it didn't matter. We were on our way to Vegas. I sure could use a drink for the ride."
(Bail bond = $5,000 -- 10% of 50k)
STOP
So far in this story Tucker has spent over $5700
Focus: Where did he get all this money?
Anonymous @ 10:31 & 10:32
that was BY FAR the best and most believable Tucker Max story I've ever read
WHERE'S MY TRAILER, TUCKER?
Someone wrote this on IMDB today:
"It's a pattern. His stories don't make sense. I can tell you as a business owner, somebody drives a car into your store, it is a huge deal. There is a police report, an insurance claim, and a search for a wrecked car.
Put the Kool-Aid down, and open your eyes.
If you trash a hotel. They call the cops, have you escorted out, and then charge your credit card."
It's true. Have y'all ever noticed that many of Tucker's zaniest episodes are non-falsifiable? Nobody witnessed him going to the bathroom in the hotel lobby (as artistic as that is). Nobody was with him when he crashed that car into the doughnut shop or the sandwich shop or whatever he finally decided on (although that is a breathtaking instance of true art). The buftsexcks video got destroyed, and the buddy who shot the video, and the girl, are nowhere to be found. Nobody was with him when he went to the sushi underwear party or whatever.
Non-falsifiability means that there exists no negative data to test the validity of a claim, leaving the claimant as the only source of data. It's a trend in Tucker's stories that speaks to the reaction most people have- that they're embellished. Factor in Tucker's self-proclaimed narcissism and the circumstances of the stories' original writing- the one-upsmanship that frequently accompanies young guys telling stories- and the fact that Tucker didn't know his stories would ever be anything more than just informal bull sessions (that got 'locked in' once he told them), and it sure looks like a classic case of embellishment.
The charity auction thing is a whole lot more believable than the car-crash, vomit-sex-tape, or underwear-sushi thing, and so is the Miss Vermont thing. One of the mistakes Tucker-apologists (and Tucker himself) make is thinking that by confirming the events of THOSE stories (which, in Tucker's defense, are fairly well-supported), the more fantastic stories are somehow qualified. This isn't so, and Tucker's personality and tendency to handle everything in his own best interest actually works against his believability.
Also, Tucker Max is a douchebag.
"Still waiting...but getting excited - March 24, 2009 07:41 AM"
Me too brah, me too.
"We are pretty close to making the distributor announcement. Sean has brow-beaten me about not saying anything, so I won't."
Except I cough, cough, FOX, cough will.
"OK, we all I know I can't not say anything. I will say this:"
Told you.
"When we were initially deciding who and how to distribute, I thought our choices were between OK, Not Bad, and Pretty Good."
Which is funny since most distributors decide who they're going to distribute, but hey....
I read your script and gave put your "choices" between: No Fucking Way, Holy Shit This Is Horrible and I Want To Burn My Eyes After Watching This.
"No matter what, we had a great film and it was going to get to theaters, which is really all you can ask for when making a movie."
Well no, you can ask for a film that will strike a chord with the public, and hope that they're willing to actually PAY to see it.
And really dude, it was going to theater, not the plural.
"Well, as with many of my expectations in the movie-making process, it looks like I was wrong again. "
Of course whenever Tucker is wrong, it still comes out in his favor, right?
"There was a fourth option--Really Fucking Awesome. "
See, what did I tell you.
"I knew about this option from the start but never really considered it because I didn't think anyone else wanted it,"
Mostly because a barnstorming tour of my movie at a bunch of colleges has been shown to not be profitable, just ask Troy Duffy who did the exact same thing with Boondock Saints.
"so I just dismissed it."
as I have with reality since I've undertook my career as a revolutionary genius.
"But it went from an outside, no-real-chance option, to a maybe, to now it looks like it's the way we are going to go,"
Because every major HOLLYWOOD distributor passed on IHTSBIH, so really it's the only chance option he really has.
"and I am very very excited about the plan that has been formed"
I was also very excited about my script, and you've seen how that's turned out.
"[As a side note, whatever plan we go with to distribute the movie, it will be essentially the same to the average consumer--no matter what deal we do, the movie will be released in the same theaters every other movie is released in, in the same basic way. 99% of the differences will be things that the viewers never see.]"
Except that 99% of the viewing public won't even be able to see IHTSBIH in a theater being that it's only going to be in 25 or so theaters, possibly less.
After that it's totally the same as Transformers 2.
"That's all I can say without Sean getting pissed at me. "
Come on Tucker, Sean has a huge laundry list of things he's pissed off at you for. This blog is the least of his worries.
"But hopefully by late this week or early next week, I'll be cleared to explain exactly all the specifics of our distribution plan, and why I am so excited about it."
Or maybe next week or next month or next years. Whatever Fuckface!!!! When you're a genius like Tucker Max who totally understands the intricacies of film producing so thoroughly time is like lint in your pockets.
He's just that cool.
"In the meantime, if you have nothing better to do, you can read another review by someone who was at the latest screening."
Most likely somebody I know and promised to give my sloppy seconds to if they were nice to my art.
"I know these are getting redundant"
As is this entire blog.
"but it's all I have to post review-wise."
Except for the fact that outside of his friends and people who "work" for him, nobody has or will review it.
"I am sure when the movie comes out there will be plenty of negative reviews"
Which, judging by people's reviews of the script, will be abundant as Tucker's herpes.
"(and we will post them here along with the positive ones), but as of now, no one has written one:"
We'll post the negative reviews so long as they don't contain things like words.
NOTE: I was going to dissect this entire review, but really, why bother? Tucker explains later how a movie reviewers thoughts are insignificant in the new media, so I'm just following his advice. This entire review is insignificant, you can cut and paste Tucker's own reviews and come up with pretty much what this guy says. In fact, I wouldn't doubt that happened.
"In the meantime, if you have nothing better to do, you can read another review by someone who was at the latest screening."
Most likely somebody I know and promised to give my sloppy seconds to if they were nice to my art.
"I know these are getting redundant"
As is this entire blog.
"but it's all I have to post review-wise."
Except for the fact that outside of his friends and people who "work" for him, nobody has or will review it.
"I am sure when the movie comes out there will be plenty of negative reviews"
Which, judging by people's reviews of the script, will be abundant as Tucker's herpes.
"(and we will post them here along with the positive ones), but as of now, no one has written one:"
We'll post the negative reviews so long as they don't contain things like words.
NOTE: I was going to dissect this entire review, but really, why bother? Tucker explains later how a movie reviewers thoughts are insignificant in the new media, so I'm just following his advice. This entire review is insignificant, you can cut and paste Tucker's own reviews and come up with pretty much what this guy says. In fact, I wouldn't doubt that happened.
"We'll post the negative reviews so long as they don't contain things like words."
Fucking brilliant. True, too.
Also, to the poster @8:06 PM: right on.
"95 days out: A general update - June 22, 2009 12:10 AM"
As opposed the general updates I've given from days 96 through infinity.
"As Day 95 until the release dawns, I have an update on all sorts of things:"
Most of these things will never come to pass, but that's really not an update.
"-We spent all day Friday doing the photo shoot for the movie poster, and then doing some ADR for the trailer. "
Of course, Sean, ever the trickster told me the wrong location for both of these events.
"If I wasn't an idiot"
but unfortunately...
"I would have taken my camera and taken pictures of both things, but whatever."
Well I did take a camera, but I shit all over them after Bunny pulled the dildo out of my ass, and messed with the digital film or whatever and shit.
Oh wait, did I tell that story already...
"If you've seen one photo shoot, you've seen them all."
It usually involves me fucking things up and making it run into overtime, sort of like what happened on my movie.
"We should have proofs to look at for both next week, and as soon as we release either of them, the readers of this blog will be the first to know, I promise."
Hold your breath Tucker fans.
"-I would like to thank everyone who sent us suggestions for Premiere Tour theaters in our screening cities (pursuant to the request in this post)."
Because I really would never know how to do my own job as a producer without the help of the geniuses that occupy my board.
"I know I have said this like, 100 times before, but trust me: "
My daddy used to say "don't trust anybody who says 'trust me', it's the mark of a guilty soul", but my dad never met Tucker "Trust Me" Max.
BTW, he's said "Trust me" well over 100 times. Google that shit motherfucker. It's right behind "Tucker Max Douchebag" and "Tucker Max Liar"
"This movie is going to really, really well. It's the right movie at the right place and in the right time."
It's nowhere at no time. That's perfection motherfucker!!
"I know I have said this like, 100 times before, but trust me: "
My daddy used to say "don't trust anybody who says 'trust me', it's the mark of a guilty soul", but my dad never met Tucker "Trust Me" Max.
BTW, he's said "Trust me" well over 100 times. Google that shit motherfucker. It's right behind "Tucker Max Douchebag" and "Tucker Max Liar"
"This movie is going to really, really well. It's the right movie at the right place and in the right time."
It's nowhere at no time. That's perfection motherfucker!!
"-This actually leads me to a point some people have asked me about: How similar is IHTSBIH to The Hangover?"
Some people being, Nils and those voices I hear in my head, one of which might also be Nils.
"I guess I can see why, if you only read the loglines, you might think the movies are similar. "
Tucker, in all honesty, that's the last thing I was thinking when I read your logline.
"The Hangover is about three guys and what happens in the aftermath of a bachelor party in Vegas. IHTSBIH is about three guys who go on a bachelor party, and how that affects their friendships. "
Except that none of my stories are remotely about friendship, usually it's about me, because when you think about it, all my friends and every character I write about is a prop anyway.
"OK fine, if you stop there, I guess they seem similar."
Just like on face value my movie seems like a real movie.
"But trust me on this:"
I've been thinking of making a drinking game around Tucker's writing. Everytime he says "trust me", you have to do a shot, but everytime he makes a grammatical error (like putting "but" in the beginning of a sentence) you have to pick somebody to do a shot.
Hilarity and alcohol poisoning ensues.
"These two movies are about as different as two movies can be,"
One is going to make 250 million and the other won't make half it's budget back.
"while still being in the same basic genre (the R-rated male comedy). The Hangover is just like most all other Hollywood comedies, except its funnier. "
And I know funny, I wrote IHTSBIH.
"The piece of feedback we get the most consistently across all screenings is this, "I can't really describe this in terms of another movie--it's not like any other movie.""
He leaves out: "It's incompetent, it's not funny and I want to burn my eyes out now."
"I don't want to get to much into the specifics of how the movies are different, because that will require me to disclose too many spoilers from IHTSBIH."
Also, it would require me to tell you to "trust me" again.
"But literally almost everything that can be different, is different."
Hangover: Funny, Successful.
I see how it's totally different.
"Some examples:
-Style of comedy: The Hangover is physical comedy highlighted by preposterous plot devices. IHTSBIH is dialogue based comedy highlighted by realism at every level."
Examples of my witty dialogue that's totally funnier than The Hangover:
Don't mess with Texas!? Don't mess with Tucker Max!!!
Don't taze me bro!!!
"-Story: The Hangover has a tenuous story that exists only to string a series of unrelated jokes together, and that climaxes in a pretty predicable way, dying at the end (except for the credits, which were awesome). "
ANd yet still it finds a way to be hilarious.
"IHTSBIH has a very meaningful and heartfelt story"
Co-Starring Traci Lords and Puma Swede.
"with the best scene in the movie being the climax, that builds to an amazing finish (seriously Czuchry KILLS it in the last big scene)."
That bouncy castle is like the end of Usual Suspects, nobody sees it coming and shit.
"-Cinematography: Without getting into technical details, the movies look and feel VERY different."
It's as if somebody took a piece of shit and stretched it into 87 minutes of cinema.
"Lighting, shot selection, blocking, even type of film is all different."
Bob Gosse was a total visionary. Did you not see The Last Home Run? Somewhere in between his great work with Gary Carter and Dave Winfield you saw that he's another Darren Aronofsky.
"When you see, you'll understand."
Wait, you forgot to say "Trust me".
"Those are just three examples of many, but the point is that the superficial similarities are really not significant; it's the differences that make the movies."
Like the differences between the prom queen and a retarded girl who pee'd in the punch.
Wait!! That sounds like a Tucker Max story!!! Fuck, I hope he's not reading this!!
"It'd be like saying Ironman and The Dark Knight are the same because they are both superhero movies--that's preposterous. They were very different movies, even though both were the same general genre. Same here."
Except in your case, you're more like Steel or the Punisher movie with Ivan Drago.
"I know I am going to get this question too, so I might as well answer it: Yes, OF COURSE I think our movie is better than The Hangover. Way better. Of course, I am biased as shit, how could I not think that?"
You could think that if you weren't a liar and you knew you had to lie to hang onto whatever fan base that hasn't pegged you as a lying fraud, but hey, they'll go to college one day too.
"But to say that is not to try and put The Hangover down."
I chose you to do the next shot.
"It's a fine movie, probably one of the better comedies of the past ten years, and I even laughed a few times when watching it (I am a tough critic on comedies)."
Of course he also says critics are obsolete, but read on...
"And shit did Zach Galifianakis do a great job. Of course I have my issues with it, and I could outline them, but really, who fucking cares"
says the narcassist.
"--it's a good movie, worth seeing, and I am very happy to see it do well. Check that--I am ecstatic to see that movie do well. It proved my point exactly"
That Hollywood movies suck and that even though this film earned more in one theater than your entire movie will during it's one or two week release, it proved my point even though I'm saying this movie was good and doesn't suck.
What point were you making again?
"--I wrote on here many times that a lack of big name stars are not needed to launch a great comedy,"
Guaranteed more people know who Ed Helms is then Tucker Max.
"and that the market for good R comedy is huge, and The Hangover proved those points very right. It's success bodes extremely well for ours."
Especially when they market it as: "If You Loved The Hangover, Then Get Ready For..."
"-Though, I can't talk about The Hangover without leaving you with this last tidbit: "
Geoff Stults, one of the three leads in our movie, was also offered the role of the groom in The Hangover.
Except he wasn't.
"He had both that offer and our movie's offer at the same time...and he turned down more money for The Hangover to do I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell. There was a reason for that."
Actually there wasn't since The Hangover wrapped in May of last year and IHTSBIH started filming in July.
"It's not because The Hangover is a bad movie. Far from it--that movie is solid, and everyone knew it would do really well.
No, it's because ours was something different, something special, and he saw that."
Geoff took a lot of punches to the head from his older brother, but enough about that...
"And in 95 days (or less), you'll see for yourself."
Can't wait, and thank you bit torrent.
holy shit!
tucker's movie myspace page now has over 600 friends!!!
http://www.myspace.com/ihtsbih
if each one buys a $10,000 ticket to his movie shown at a crappy college dorm theater with no sound system, he will make back his $6 million!
fat, balding, aging douchebags.
who is going to pay to see tucker and nils?
I'd just like to echo the sentiments of the other readers here - whoever is posting those deconstructions of the blog post is fucking hysterical. Not just funnier than anything Tucker's ever done, but funnier than most anything I've read on the internet in a long while. Keep it up, I beg ya.
"funnier than most anything I've read on the internet in a long while"
Let's not get crazy, here.
Give the deconstructor his due: Unlike Tucker, he's actually funny and original.
I just re-read Tucker's shooting script again.
To quote the Script Reader, "Holy crap, it's terrible."
I mean, his "jokes" fall flat every time you read the scene.
Again, to paraphrase the Script Reader, "It seems that Tucker Max was more interested in creating a cool character than he was in crafting a cogent narrative."
And that's exactly what he did, make a *cool* Tucker Max that would meet the expectations of his fans of questionable taste.
The only redeeming moment isn't his "heartfelt" speech at the finale, which is going to go down in history as one of the most awkward and unlikely scenes in the history of cinema... A well-heeled crowd of Christians AT A WEDDING reacting positively to some asshole talking about shitting himself and being a fucking all-around tool? Give me a fucking break, broseph!
No, the only redeeming moment is going to be watching this douchebag character that most of the audience will have come to hate by that point getting slipped Visine and then defecating himself
No matter how well Matt Czuchry played as a a douchebag, it won't live up to the hype that Tucker has been spewing.
Nor will this film return a profit. I'm almost certain that this movie will be a commercial failure
As a 3 year veteran of this blog, and a former member of the Tucker fan club, I can authoritatively state that watching Tucker fail in epic fashion is going to be exceedingly amusing.
Oh, and it always bears repeating, Tucker Max is both a liar and a douchebag.
P.S. Tucker Deconstruction Guy, you crack me up. Are you perchance also interview guy? Either way, your writing is downright inspired.
This is the Tucker Deconstruction Guy, and no, I'm not the Interview Guy. Thank you for your support, however the guy who wrote this masterpiece:
""I couldn't find my game tickets so I stumbled around the parking lot. That's when I spotted a hot chick in a convertible parked by the lake. She was nearly passed out. This would be easy. 'Your daddy must have been a baker, because you've got a nice set of buns,' I offered. She laughed and told me to climb in. We were going at it pretty hard. I hate fucking in cars. But I love fucking more than I hate cars. Follow the logic. I was pumping away pretty good when I noticed a crowd of like five hundred people were watching us. This only made me hornier. The car's stick shift kept poking me so I pulled off the chick's top to move her to the back seat. That's when I noticed that it wasn't the stick shift that was poking me, but rather my chick’s large cock! OMG I'm fucking a dude. I was going to run as fast as I could but then I heard the crowd chant. 'Suck it, suck it, suck it' Call me crazy but I went for it. Fifteen minutes later I was standing in front of a cheering crowd of one-thousand. I grabbed a bullhorn from someone car and squelched "Raise your hand if you have ever sucked off a drag queen in a parking lot." The crowd went crazy. Too bad the cops didn't share their enthusiasm. I was arrested and book with Indecent Exposure, Sex in Public and a few more crimes, Bail was set at fifty-thousand.
When PattyMelt, StringCheese and Archie-Boy arrived to bail me out, I realized I missed most of the game. Archie-Boy told me it didn't matter. We were on our way to Vegas. I sure could use a drink for the ride."
(Bail bond = $5,000 -- 10% of 50k)"
is far funnier than anything I've written so far. The nicknames alone are worth the price of admission.
""Why no [insert city] on your tour?" - June 11, 2009 05:11 AM"
Here, Tucker will explain why the movie won't be coming to any major city.
"True to form, as soon as I posted a tentative schedule for the tour, all sorts of people got all sorts of riled up and sent me all sorts of email, comments, postings etc asking why I wasn't coming to their city."
I got at least 10 hundred million emails from gradeschoolers asking when they are going to be able to buy a Tucker Max action figure with "bullshit from mouth" action.
"Look people, I know this is obvious to most of you, but if it's not, let me be clear: Time and money are not infinite."
However, his lack of talent and overall douchebaggery is infinite.
"Life is a series of decisions and trade offs, and this tour is no different."
For instance, Tucker traded off any chance at a long lasting career for a chance to make a movie.
"We have decided to push ourselves to hit 35 cities,"
But wait, you said 50 cities. Tucker Max, I'm getting worried.
"which is a HUGE number, but it is far smaller than the number of cities I'd like to hit."
And far smaller than the real number of cities that actually want us.
"So decisions must be made and certain cities will just have to be left out this time."
But don't worry, when this fails, I'll be doing a bunch of film tours, much like Troy Duffy, in fact he might be the undercard at a couple of college venues.
"If you have ever chosen between paying a bill and buying something you want, you understand the basic dilemma."
Of course I stiff most people on the bills, which is another dilemma, but fuck them, I'm Tucker Max ad they should pay my rent and buy my food, right Bunny!?!
"As a general rule, we want to maximize two things: Hitting major population centers, and hitting concentrations of 18-24 year olds, which means hitting college towns when they are in school."
Because there are a lot of dumb motherfuckers in college.
"Now, that being said, there are specific cities that fit this profile that we are skipping for specific reasons, cities that one would think we would be hitting, and I will try to explain why below:"
I can explain it in two words: infinite disappointment, it's the crux of my life.
"-Denver/Boulder: I would LOVE to go to Boulder or Denver, but the fact is, we are doing this as a bus tour and it is just too far away. We need to keep the daily drive below six hours, and Denver is far as fuck from anywhere else we are stopping. Distance matters, and Colorado is just too far."
Wait, didn't Tucker say he landed an airplane to travel? Infinite disappointment.
"-Pittsburgh: I hate skipping this city, and we still may decide to hit it, but the problem is it's kinda out of the way from the way we have the tour set up now, and beyond that, we hit a ton of cities relatively close to it (though I know none are that close). Pittsburgh is great, and there is no specific reason we may skip it other than it kinda got lost in the shuffle. But don't give up hope--we may find room."
Especially when the smaller venues fall through due to lack of interest.
"-Seattle: don't be shocked if we skip it."
Don't be shocked if we also go down to 10 venues.
Given the boredom and depression I've been feeling after reading through Tucker's entire movie blog, I've decided to go in another direction. I mean, it's funny to a point, but it's like beating up on a retarded kid, it's just too easy.
So from here on out I'm going to deconstruct his stories.
It's the natural progression of my art of deconstructing his stories. Feel free to repost if you feel they warrant it (and thank you to whomever reposted some of my stuff on IMDB, I feel blessed).
So I went to see Public Enemies yesterday (very good btw). Before the movie there were quite a few trailers, including some I had never seen or heard of:
Amelia, starring Hilary Swank & Richard Gere. No release date listed.
Shutter Island, starring Leonardo DiCaprio, release date October 2009.
Inglorious Bastards, the Tarantino WWII movie, release date August 2009 (this trailer has been out for some time).
Bruno, release date July 2009 (another trailer thats been out for some time).
The Orphan. No idea who stars in it. Late July release.
2012. Again, no idea who is in it. November release.
and finally, Holmes starring Robert Downey Jr. Release xmas 2009.
So 4-5 movies all opening around or after IHTSBIH, some with big stars & some without, all have real trailers done, and are already showing in front of one of the more highly anticipated movie openings of the summer.
And Tucker's vanity project "opens" in <80 something days.
And Tucker doesn't have a trailer.
And Tucker doesn't have a poster.
And Tucker doesn't have a movie website.
And Tucker doesn't have a real theatrical release distributor.
And Tucker thinks that doing a college bus tour is going to result in drumming up huge audiences who will seek out the 50-400 screens that the movie is showing on (lets put it this way, Public Enemies opened on more screens in Southern California than IHTSBIH will nationwide).
And Tucker thinks that IHTSBIH is going to beat Hangover in domestic gross?
Of course this is going to be revolutionary.
What a raging douchebag.
Hey deconstruct guy -- you deserve your own blog so that READ HOT BURN doesn't get lost.
^^^^^^^^
Just you watch, my next deconstruction of Tucker's story will be revolutionary.
I'm making art here people, trust me.
"It's the natural progression of my art"
_Now_ you're really sounding like Tucker! Keep it up!
Don't know if any of you know about distribution, but here's the skinny on Freestyle.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Freestyle_Releasing
Basically they were an arm of Bob Yari Productions. Now that Yari is bankrupt, the generally release any film. This includes movies from Uwe Boll and Tucker Max.
But wait, here's the best part. You have TO PAY THEM TO DISTRIBUTE YOUR MOVIE. That's right, you have to pay Freestyle to distribute the movie. You pay them a fee, they do all the leg work for you and you get to have a larger cut of the back end. However, in most cases, the only company who ends up making money on the movies they distribute is Freestyle.
This was another Tucker Max half truth. He talked about how revolutionary his back end deal was with Freestyle when it's just the standard deal they gave guys like Uwe Boll. Sure they will make more money if the movie makes money, but judging by their past record (post Bob Yari), they can't do much more for you other than book theaters. They won't do marketing for you, they won't do ads for you (unless you provide them with funds, and with a 6 million dollar budget, they certainly don't have those funds).
Now, they have about 450 theaters they can draw upon to distribute their film, none of which are your megaplex theater chains.
Tucker is having trouble editing a trailer from his movie footage. I say we help him
The basic formula for a solid trailer is for the trailer to mirror the pitch that got the film made. Here is the pitch for IHTSBIH as written by Tucker.
"Tucker decides to take an impromptu trip to celebrate his friend's bachelor party. He drags his friend into a lie with his fiancée, gets him into trouble and then abandons him in order to pursue a hilarious carnal interest. Tucker is disinvited to the wedding, and in order to get back in, Tucker has to find a way to balance his narcissism with the demands of friendship."
Sounds simple enough. Some basic beats. Here goes:
OPEN ON: CAMERA SCANS AN ACTIVE COLLEGE CAMPUS AND STOPS OF TAVERN
ANNOUNCER: THEY SAY A MAN'S TRUE CHARACTER IS DEFINED BY THE COMPANY HE KEEPS. IT LOOKS LIKE THEY NEVER MET TUCKER MAX
TUCKER HOLDING COURT pounding shots in a bar.
TUCKER: "Boys were going to Babydolls"
REACTION SHOTS FROM HIS DUMBFOUNDED PALS JEFF AND AARON
CUE MUSIC (motley crue, GIRLS, GIRLS, GIRLS)
SHOTS OF BABYDOLLS, STRIPPERS
BEST FRIEND (JEFF) "What do you mean a bachelor party? I got a wedding seating chart to plan?"
TUCKER (confident) "Seating charts are easy. It’s an LSAT logic game. A table seats 8 people. Tucker must sit next to a single woman with large breasts. Aaron must not sit next to anyone with a vagina. No one else matters. Boom, done.
JEFF LOOKS CONFUSED AND ANGRY
TUCKER "Don't worry I got your back?"
(LP record NEEDLE SCRATCHES TO A HALT)
ANGRY FIANCE on phone: "You're where?"
Cranking stripper tunes INSIDE BABYDOLLS
SMILING WOMAN AT BAR TO TUCKER: "YOU HAVE KIDS?"
AARON ANSWERS FOR HIM, DEADPAN "YEAH, BUT THERE ALL IN A COMPOST HEAP BEHIND PLANNED PARENTHOOD"
TUCKER SMILES AS RAPID FIRE HIJINKS MONTAGE RESUME
JEFF is getting drunk and coming apart at the seems
TUCKER moves from babe to babe
(LP record NEEDLE SCRATCHES TO A HALT)
STRIPPER: "Rape isn’t funny."
AARON: "What if the rapist is a mime, or a Shriner?"
Stripper gives him a look.
AARON "OK fine, rape isn’t funny, but murder can be."
STRIPPER "Murder isn’t funny either."
AARON: "Maybe not to you, but if the murderer was a clown, that would be
funny to me."
Tucker parties some more until - Tucker spot MIDGET STRIPPER
MUSIC / ANGEL HARP STRUMS / LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT
TUCKER TO MIDGET STRIPPER - "I wanna make a mess in your mouth."
A beat.
MIDGET STRIPPER - "Let’s go."
TUCKER: "OK, but just to be safe, leave your pick axe here. I don’t want you
tunneling under the bed, looking for diamonds or something. It’ll freak me out."
JEFF GETS ARRESTED AND BEATEN IN JAIL SURROUNDED BY MEXICANS
TUCKER in hotel bed on phone
(LP record NEEDLE SCRATCHES TO A HALT)
TUCKER "You're where?"
JEFF'S BATTERED FACE AS HE LEAVES JAIL ANGRY
SOMBER MUSIC BEGINS
TUCKER "What do you mean I'm not invited to the wedding? Doesn't Jeff have a say in this?"
FIANCE "It was Jeff that said he doesn't want you there."
OFF TUCKER'S SHOCKED FACE
TUCKER WALKS THE STREETS ALONE AS SAD MUSIC PLAYS
ANNOUNCER: "SOMETIMES THE HARDEST THING TO FACE IN LIFE.. IS OURSELVES"
TUCKER AND EXCHANGE A STARE ACROSS THE ROOM AT A WEDDING
TUCKER AT MICROPHONE, SINCERE: "I am the reason that, on the most
important day of his life, Jeff's face looks like a melted Barbie doll's."
SHOW JEFF'S FACE
TUCKER: "The worst part is that I didn't know I was doing anything wrong. I
was just doing what I’ve always done; which is pretty much whatever the hell I want."
THE CROWD APPRECIATES THE HEARTFELT SPEECH
TUCKER: "I know this will probably scare the crap out of most of you, but I hope
to have kids someday. I am sure I will only have daughters, and they will all be vicious sluts who sleep with assholes just like me and then throw it in my face."
MORE CROWD SHOTS AWWWHHHHHH
TUCKER, changes tone: "Now raise your hand if you ever BLEEPED a midget!"
THE CROWD IS AGHAST
ANNOUNCER: "On September 25th, get ready for a whole new brand of comedy from the the New York Times besting book: I HOPE THEY SERVE BEER IN HELL"
AARON SPEAKS TO A GROUP OF WOMEN AT THE BAR
AARON: "I’m like a feminist; I can assert multiple contradictory positions."
THE WOMEN JUST STARE
TO BLACK
TITLE
Trailer Guy, that's actually not that bad of an idea for a movie trailer. Post that to imdb so that Otto can steal it.
wtf
That made the movie actually sound maybe slightly okay
WHAT HAS SCIENCE DONE?!?!?
Does anyone else find it odd that deconstruct guy wastes so much time reading and responding to Tucker blogs and stories when he could actually be doing something with his life?
If Tucker is so unimportant, trite and pathetic, why are you all paying so much attention to him?
@ 7/02/2009 6:43 PM
Nigger please. Tucker checks this site more than his own message board. And why not? It's 100x funnier.
and if deconstruct guy was actually as "hilarious" as you say he is, how come you two are the only people who responded to his "funniest thing I've ever read" thread on IMDB?
The Hockey Mascot Story (deconstructed):
“Sometimes even I need a night off, and after an intense Thursday and Friday hanging out with JoJo,”
JoJo, my token black friend who now calls me “James Frey Jr.”
“I decided to spend a relaxing Saturday hanging out with a friend of mine from high school who happened to be in town that night. We'll call him "Mark."”
Mark is a lot like the Great Kazoo from the Flintstones except a lot more faggy, also nobody believes he really exists.
“He shows up at my place around 4pm with a 30-pack of Old Style, which we manage to polish off rather quickly.”
Anal chugs have a habit of going fast around the ole Tuckerooski.
“As I am trying to decide how to steal some more beer from my neighbors, a commercial comes on for a regional professional hockey team, which coincidentally has a game in two hours. Mark wants to go see hockey. He considers it the best idea of all time. I disagree. I want a relaxing night.”
What kind of fag wants to see a hockey game instead of doing an anal chug?
“Somehow he manages to convince me that drinking 15 beers and then going to a hockey game can qualify as a "relaxing night."”
And somehow I convinced myself this story actually occurred.
“But not only does he want to go to the hockey game, he desperately wants to bring the CamelBak, having read about it in the UT Weekend Story. I pause and consider my options. I can:”
A) completely lie about it and hope some dumbasses actually believe the story occurred. Maybe pose for a photo with the mascot to prove I was actually there although there is no other evidence that what I’m about to tell you happened as well.
B) Continue doing anal chugs with “Mark”.
“You've probably read some of my other stories, what do you think I did?”
Lied through your teeth.
Part 2:
“I load up the CamelBak with Tucker Death Mix [Everclear, Red Bull and Gatorade], but this time, instead of Everclear, I use real Kentucky moonshine. My mother lives in Kentucky, and one of her neighbors makes moonshine in his barn. Seriously.”
My mother also fucked a horse (as well as my father). Fuck you, that’s what women in Ky do for fun and/or money.
“We arrive at the arena fully shit-housed. We don't have tickets, and the only scalper we can find has got to be the dirtiest, poorest, shittiest looking crack addict in Chicago.”
Because of course I need a total stereotype because I’m really not that good of a writer...
Also, crack addicts LOVE hockey. Just love it. Don’t believe me, go to a Blackhawks game sometime and you’ll see nothing but fat white guys who say “Da Bears” and skanky crackheads. Just ask Bunny, she saw them too.
“He is trying to sell two ratty tickets. They look like he got them with a McDonald's Super Value meal. This does not stop me from bargaining with him. I am a master negotiator, especially when drunk:”
I’m a master negotiator too, especially when the other person doesn’t exist…
“Tucker "How much for the tickets?"_
Crack fiend "40 each."_
Tucker "Get the fuck outta here? Do we get a handjob too? Are you kidding? I'll give 20. Total."_
Crack fiend "Awww, come'on man. Deez is good seaats, yo."_
Tucker "You know...scalping is illegal."_
Crack fiend "Man, don gimme dat shit. Deez is 8th row, at the co'na."_
Tucker "40 is steep. After all, you're just going to spend the money on crack."_
Crack fiend "Man, fuck you."”
The funny thing about this story and this entire dialogue is how much of a stereotype this guy sounds like. First off, why would a crackhead own hockey tickets? 2nd off: he says “yo” and “deez” a lot. I’m not even being PC when I say this sounds like total bullshit. Mr. I-Bring-A-Tape-Recorder-For-The-Benefit-of-my-100%-True-Stories wrote this and believed people would buy it.
But wait, there’s more…
Part 3 (VERY IMPORTANT)
But wait, there’s more…
“We settle on $40 total, find our seats right before the game starts, “
I did some checking on this. He went to a minor league hockey game in Chicago, which means he saw the WOLVES (this will become important later) play. Here are the ticket prices for the team in 2009 dollars:
http://www.chicagowolves.com/tickets/singletickets/
Having smelled a rat I called the team’s office this afternoon and asked what the ticket prices were from 2000-2006. Basically the most expensive seat in the house (Rinkside) ranged from 28-42 dollars (today it costs 50). Tucker didn’t get rink side seats.
The other seats ranged from 8 bucks to 18 dollars. Tucker paid 40 bucks for 2 tickets.
MEANING THE MASTER NEGOTIATOR OVERPAID FOR HIS TICKETS AND GOT SCHOOLED BY A CRACKHEAD.
More about this later.
“and much to my displeasure, there are about 10 women total in the entire arena. “
Because that needs to fit his story.
Part IV
“Not that we came to the game to pick up girls, but there is always that hope. I loudly say to Mark, "Jesus H Christ. What the fuck is this; Gay Hockey Night?" These two dorks on the left look at me horrified, while the old guys on the right start laughing. Fuck the idiots on the left.”
Wait, I feel a stereotype character coming on…
“We start talking to the old guys, bitching about women and whatnot. One of them starts telling us a story. "Yeah, I was with these two beautiful girls the other night. Wonderful girls. The night was going great until they started using all sorts of horrible four-letter words. Horrible, horrible four letter words, like "can't"..."won't"..."don't"..."stop." Horrible, horrible four letter words." These old guys were cracking us up. Of course, we were quickly approaching Tucker Max Drunk; a dancing Tele-Tubby would probably have had us in tears.”
Of course the guys were actually at “Gay Hockey Night” full of dudes looking for tweeks, lucky for Tucker, he was definitely going to get laid tonight.
“Because I can see the entertainment value from miles away,”
Except when talking about his script and/or movie.
“I start talking to the low-rent Jude Law on my left. I immediately wanted to punch him in the face.”
But he doesn’t, because, let’s face facts, Tucker Max is kind of a pussy.
“He was one of those annoying psuedo-intellectuals; horn-rimmed glasses, drinks Pinot Grigio by the glass at bars, buys poetry books but never reads them, avoids red meat, shops at the Kiehls counter, acts indignantly offended by Howard Stern, like to drop names like "Foucault" and "Sartre" in normal conversation. “
You know, the type of stereotype reserved for Tucker Max stories and Good Will Hunting.
He got all this info just by looking at the guy.
“We all know one or two.”
Can’t claim that I do, but neither can Tucker.
“I kept laughing to myself, because he looked exactly like Chachi from Happy Days.”
Wait, how did you get Jude Law and Scott Baio mixed up?
“He thought he was better than me because I was drunk and acting like an idiot,”
No, he thought he was better than you because he was, you’re Tucker Max afterall. 99.8% of the population could make this claim and be correct.
“while he was composed and polite. Yeah, I got something for him.”
4 inches of lil’ Tucker.
Part V
“He condescendingly asks me what I do, and I tell him I'm a writer. “
LIAR!!!
“Then the fun began:”
Oh, it starts now? Great, Tucker is totally going to fuck this dude.
“Him "Really? I used to be a writer, until I went to law school."
A fastball down the middle._Me "Really? I never would have guessed. Where'd you go to law school?"_
Him "The University of Texas."_
Me "Well, I guess not everyone can go to a good school. “
This is funny since UT Law ranks ahead of Duke.
“So what did you write?_
Him "Mostly freelance think-pieces for magazines and newspapers."_
Me "So you were an out-of-work copy editor?"_
Him "Uh...no. My last piece was published in the Utne Reader."
IS THIS GUY FUCKING SERIOUS?”
If he actually existed I’m certain he was serious.
Me "I bet you're very proud." I laughed, but he just ignored me. "So what do you do now?"_
Him "Uh...well, I'm a lawyer. That's why I went to law school."_
Me "Suuuper. So, Chachi, where are you from?"_
Him "I'm from Texas."_
Me "I bet you were real popular there."
Hahahahahahaha, you got him there Tucker.
“He didn't respond. Mark and I order a couple more beers. The game was boring, so I keep fucking with Chachi. His aggravation is growing visibly, but he's the type that signs anti-sweatshop petitions, so I'm not concerned about any forthcoming violence.”
Because fictional character stereotypes punch like little girls.
Me "I've been to Texas. I liked it. But I've heard some strange things about the laws there. You're a lawyer: Is it true that you can have open containers in the car, as long there is one less than the number of people in the car?"_
“Him "Uh...I'm not really sure. We didn't really study that in law school."_Me "Did you ever drink?"_Him "Uh...yeah."_Me "And you never drove afterwards?"_
Him "Uh...no."_Me "You don't believe all that Mothers Against Drunk Driving propaganda do you?"
He ignored me, so I continued, "Is it true that in Texas you can shoot someone if you find them sleeping with your wife?"_
Him "No, that's not true. It's a myth."_Me "I don't know Chachi, I think it's true. What about if you come home, and you find a guy on your porch, nosing around, and your wife is inside, and she's naked. Can you shoot him then?"_
Him "No."
Holy shit Tucker, that’s insane!!! You really got him there…
“He and his friend get up and leave, but he leaves his beer in the cup holder. As soon as he was out of sight, I pour half his beer into mine, finish it off, and head to the bathroom. When I get there, I see Chachi standing at the urinal, so I bust out in song:
"THE STARS AT NIGHT, ARE BIG AND BRIGHT [CLAP] [CLAP] [CLAP] [CLAP] DEEP IN THE HEART OF TEXAS!!"”
Holy motherfucking shit, that is HYSTERICAL. Those years studying at U of C really really really turned you into a regular Oscar Wilde or at least Pee Wee Herman.
Part VI:
“The second period comes around, and Chachi doesn't return to his seat, so I finish his beer. He's not going to need it. Mark is busy sucking on the CamelBak,”
CamelBak is code for “Tucker’s Cock”.
“and appears ready to slip into a coma. Then it happens, that defining moment that I wait for every time I go out drinking:”
A giant cock comes out of my seat to pleasure me like only a strap on laden Bunny can?
Oh wait, let me let you finish…
“Right before the second intermission, some guy comes up and asks our section if anyone wants to go on the ice and shoot pucks against the mascot,”
Actually, he said “Who wants to suck a bunch of cock,” so I said:
"OH ME ME ME!! I WANT TO DO IT!! ME ME ME!!"
Cuz that’s how Tucker Max rolls.
“The guy kinda stares at me hesitantly, but since no one else in the 1/4 full section dares get up and challenge my drunken enthusiasm, I become the chosen one.”
That’s funny Tucker, since when I called The Wolves they said that they have always chosen the lucky person based on their seat, not because of drunken enthusiasm. This means they pick a seat number out of those who have come to the game and that person ends up being chosen. This is how they’ve always run their promotions since the teams inception in 1994.
Tucker, you’re just that cool though, I believe you…
“I get down to the staging area behind the penalty box, and the other two participants are a girl who was so skinny she looked like she spent three weeks on the Miami 48-hour Miracle Diet, and a fat guy who uncannily resembled the Comic Book Guy from The Simpson's.”
Holy shit Tucker, that’s 2 stereotypes in one sentence, you are on a Tucker Max roll.
Wait, just you wait. I bet Tucker says something to one of the stereotypes.
“I asked him if he owns a comic book store, and I guess this is a joke he's heard often, because he got kinda mad at me. Unsure of how to react to his visible anger, I say "Worst. Reaction. Ever." This didn't help.”
It doesn’t help that the guy didn’t exist either.
“The waifish usher explains the rules to us: We get a hockey stick and a puck, and are allowed to take one shot against the mascot, this big, furry, dog looking thing. Anyone who scores gets tickets to the next game. I chime in,”
“Tucker "I don't want to go to the next game. This place sucks."_Usher [stares at me with contempt for a minute] "You can't take your beer on the ice with you."
Holy shit, now you’re asking for trouble.
Part VII: (Very Important)
“Once on the ice I flip off the crowd, and start my advance on the mascot. Right before I am about to shoot the puck, genius strikes me.”
I will totally embellish this story and have 15 year olds think I’m telling the truth.
“I hurl my stick at the mascot to confuse him, kick the puck into the goal, tackle the mascot into the net, pull his jersey over his head, and start delivering directed body shots into his ribs.”
Raise your hand up if you've ever heard a professional team mascot say "What they fuck are you doing, you asshole?"”
Raise your hand up if you’ve ever called up the Chicago Wolves and asked them if they televise all their home games (yes they do), then speak with their head of marketing (the person in charge of such promotions) and ask them if they ever had an incident such as Tucker Max just described?
Then raise your hand if you spoke to this person in charge of promotions, who has been with the team since 1994 when they started and heard them say:
“Are you kidding? No, this never happened.”
Then raise your hand if you ever asked if this did exist would it have been committed to videotape? Then raise your hand once more if you heard:
“Yes, we tape all our promotions because if the person makes it we’d send it out to the local media to try and get our name out there.”
And lastly, raise your hand if you heard the same marketing person say:
“Had somebody done this, they’d be arrested on the spot for assault as well as public drunkenness. We promote a family atmosphere here.”
So basically this never occurred because had it occurred it would have at least made the local media if not Sportscenter (because they love to catch mascots doing stupid things)
Part VIII:
“I'm not sure if I have ever laughed so hard as when this big fuzzy brown head let loose with a rapid fire barrage of curse words. I am so in tears laughing at him, that I can barely keep up giving him body shots. Of course, my laughter only makes him madder, and I eventually lose the upper hand. He gets me rolled over and ends up on top of me. He is now completely engrossed in the fight, and starts hitting me back, all while I am laughing hysterically.”
I’d be laughing my ass off too if I were fighting a fictional mascot in my head and found that I was getting my ass kicked by nothing more than air.
“The crowd went nuts. I mean honestly--picture this scene in your head.”
I know Tucker did…
“The entire time, the announcer is standing 10 feet away, completely dumbfounded. He had no idea what to do or say, until the mascot got on top, when he finally comes over and pulls the mascot off of me. It actually took him a few minutes to get the mascot composed. The mascot had completely lost his shit; he wanted to keep fighting me, especially after I got up and threw my hands in the air, receiving boisterous cheers from the crowd.”
I’m concerned that somebody slipped LSD in Tucker’s beer. Never know about those Jude Baio types, eh Tucker?
“I was escorted off the ice, to continued cheers, when someone who appeared to be in charge started throwing around a lot of words like "assault" and "battery." I paused, staring at him while I composed my thoughts, and said,”
‘Something something bullshit something’
“Tucker "I'm sorry, but I stand by my decision. I am now a member of the elite club of people that have fought a professional team mascot. You sir, are not in that club."”
Tucker is now a member of a club of people who lie through their teeth about fighting a mascot. A club of one.
“He stared at me, completely silent, for what seemed like three or four minutes, and then just turned and walked away. I was kicked out of the area, and told not to ever come back.”
Because the really pissed off guy in the mascot outfit totally wouldn’t press charges.
“I had to wait by the car for a good hour and a half until dumbass Mark came stumbling out. When I asked him why he was so late, and didn't leave when I was kicked out, he looked at me strangely and said,”
"You got kicked out? What did you do?"
Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. You’re Tucker Max Awesome.
(Note: His story is unverifiable, and there would be evidence. Tucker has said for years "I'll put up the tape of the incident if you don't believe me" and yet has of this date not put up the video.
By all means use the team link and contact them personally and see for yourself)
Tucker (or was it "Ryan"?) does it shame you that after you posted your comment about only two people responding to the deconstruction story on IMDB, the guy completely destroyed your(his) hockey story?
Deconstructionist Guy,
That was excellent, well done. I can't stop laughing.
This comment totally got me:
I did some checking on this. He went to a minor league hockey game in Chicago, which means he saw the WOLVES (this will become important later) play. Here are the ticket prices for the team in 2009 dollars:
http://www.chicagowolves.com/tickets/singletickets/
Having smelled a rat I called the team’s office this afternoon and asked what the ticket prices were from 2000-2006. Basically the most expensive seat in the house (Rinkside) ranged from 28-42 dollars (today it costs 50). Tucker didn’t get rink side seats.
The other seats ranged from 8 bucks to 18 dollars. Tucker paid 40 bucks for 2 tickets.
MEANING THE MASTER NEGOTIATOR OVERPAID FOR HIS TICKETS AND GOT SCHOOLED BY A CRACKHEAD.
Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!
Deconstruction Guy, I don't mean to pry, but are you some kind of investigative reporter? Because if so you could make a field day of disproving Tucker's stories on your own blog.
Think about it.
Raise your hand up if you've ever heard a professional team mascot say "What they fuck are you doing, you asshole?"”
Raise your hand up if you’ve ever called up the Chicago Wolves and asked them if they televise all their home games (yes they do), then speak with their head of marketing (the person in charge of such promotions) and ask them if they ever had an incident such as Tucker Max just described?
Then raise your hand if you spoke to this person in charge of promotions, who has been with the team since 1994 when they started and heard them say:
“Are you kidding? No, this never happened.”
Then raise your hand if you ever asked if this did exist would it have been committed to videotape? Then raise your hand once more if you heard:
“Yes, we tape all our promotions because if the person makes it we’d send it out to the local media to try and get our name out there.”
And lastly, raise your hand if you heard the same marketing person say:
“Had somebody done this, they’d be arrested on the spot for assault as well as public drunkenness. We promote a family atmosphere here.”
So basically this never occurred because had it occurred it would have at least made the local media if not Sportscenter (because they love to catch mascots doing stupid things)
Did you just hear a thud? It distinctly sounded like some huge asshole's jaw just hit the floor after reading this. I believe the sound came from a shitty section of Los Angeles.
Bloody well done mate.
I'm nowhere near as funny as Deconstruction Guy, and I'm not trying to be. I just want to predict Tucker's response to this complete and total destruction of his "Tucker goes to hockey game, causes trouble" story.
"Dude, I wasn't living in Chicago at the time. I only said 'Chicago crack-addict' because that was where the story was set. Do you realize the kind of shit I'd get in if even half of what I've done got traced back to me? Fuck, why do you think I don't use my friend's real names?
They're true stories, but I've got to change a few details to protect the not-so-innocent. Why do you think I said it was a donut shop I crashed a car through, when it was a completely different kind of business altogether? I went to law school and I understand the concept of statute of limitations, but do you think that kind of shit applies to civil lawsuits?
The law for civil suits varies by case and circumstance, and do you really think some Judge Judy wanna-be would care that since it's been x number of years since I cost someone serious fiduciary damages that I'm no longer responsible for compensating them?
ALL of my stories are as true as they're allowed to be; do you really think I'd open myself up to the kind of liability that would be brought on by giving the exact details?"
^^^
I deal in lies, and so does Tucker. We know our own.
4:45: I parallel park the car into a space that is too small. I try to force it in. The car gets stuck. I slam on the gas, the wheels spin until they catch the curb and jump the car onto the sidewalk, crashing it into a storefront.
Where I come from, the two cars bookending the tight parking space would get in the way of "jumping the car onto the sidewalk". Tucker doesn't mention how he got past the other vehicles which made his parking space too small to begin with. As well, if the wheels (tires, actually Tucker... crack a dictionary) were spinning fast enough to "catch the curb", you would be thrown back out into the direction of the street. Concrete dividers on highways are designed the same way, to throw you back into the path you were going so as not to place your vehicle in a place it shouldn't be. Tucker could have jumped the curb if his tires were close to perpendicular to it... which would mean that he wasn't parallel parking.
Tucker's details are like listening to a science fiction writer use imaginary physics to explain warp drives or time travel. A pretty picture is painted, but the words don't have any connection to reality.
Chicago Wolves Saturday night games start at 7:00PM. Tucker started drinking at 4 and saw the ad 2 hours before hand, at 5, after drinking 15 beers.
15 beers in 1 hour. 4 minutes per beer.
That's 3 pitchers worth.
Old style is 5.1%, so 15 beers is 9 ounces of alcohol. For comparison, a fifth of jack daniels (80 proof) is 10 ounces of alcohol.
Tucker apologists: drink 15 beers in an hour and tell how that works out for you.
I'm honestly impressed. Both by the sheer concentration of lies in the story, and the quality of the Deconstructor's work.
I really like the Deconstructionist Guy's work, particularly his adherence to Tucker's own writing style.
The entire "raise your hand if..." motiff was inspired, he's mocking Tucker while being funny and informative at the same time.
Deconstructionist Guy, you're awesome.
One other flaw with the hockey game story. When Tucker arrives at the game, he has to buy tickets from a scalper, not the ticket office. This would make sense if the game were sold out, but just a bit later Tucker says the section he is in is only 1/4 full. Despite it only being the second period. Interesting that Tucker seems to have never heard of a ticket office and only purchases from bad stereotypes.
Hey, kids! There's a new entry at the 'Fuck Tucker Max' blog:
http://www.tuckermaxlies.blogspot.com/
Wow Barry, I'm flattered.
By all means, copy whatever you want and post it to your blog, I'll probably deconstruct another story soon enough.
Thanks again, it's fun showing how full of shit Tucker is when you just turn on your brain.
DG
Don't speculate--just come to the source - July 3, 2009 02:56 PM (Deconstucted)
“So we got the movie poster proofs (not there, but kinda close), and the third draft of the trailer is done (still not there, but much better),”
Which is at least 2 drafts more than the script.
“and the tour schedule is coming together (we found a way to add the west coast),”
Yes, you found a way, everybody else cancelled or said FUCK NO, which left the west coast wide open, hilarity ensues.
“but I'll wait until Monday to get to all of that. “
I’m not saying THIS UPCOMING MONDAY, or even the next or even this year but when I do announce it, it will definitely be on a Monday. Fuck you, you ask too many questions. Banned!
“Today, I want to talk about something I find peculiar about the movie press.”
You mean how they’re all calling you a douchebag and think your film is going to fail? That’s not peculiar, it would be peculiar if they didn’t.
“Earlier this morning, someone sent me a link to this site, where a movie blog talks about me and the movie. The relevant excerpted part:”
Even odds that Tucker wrote this letter. I’d bet the life of my unborn children on it.
Part II
"Hey, Paulington!
I am a huge, HUGE fan of Tucker Max and his book I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell. From what I understand, and gather from your very own site, a movie based on this amazing novel “
“Amazing novel”? It’s a series of short stories, it’s not a novel and it’s not amazing. You know what, fuck you go get me a large fries with my orderTucker Fan and while you’re at it why don’t you get a fucking dictionary.
“is coming to theaters on September 29th of this year. But you haven't run any coverage on it whatsoever. What gives? I'd expect more from the best movie site on the planet. You suck. _Signed - "Tucker's Bitch""
I’d guess they haven’t run any coverage on it because THE MOVIE IS INSIGNIFICANT. It stars Matt Czuchry. Matt Czuchry, a guy who’s management team also happen to be the PRODUCERS OF THE MOVIE. They don’t run coverage on pornography from Vivid films for the same reason. They also don’t cover Leprauchan Part 6 or any number of shitty films that come from Freestyle.
BTW: I’m pretty convinced that “Tucker’s Bitch” is somebody from this site, because it’s almost too perfect. Which means I might owe you the life of my unborn child, don’t worry, I’ll pay up when Tucker pays Mr. X.
“_Dear Bitch. You haven't seen anything on our site about this movie because Freestyle Releasing, the company throwing it into theaters, hasn't offered us any promotional material yet. And we generally don't do advanced reviews. “
Especially on really shitty badly done films.
“If you want to learn more about the film you can visit Tucker Max's world-renowned website. Apparently, the film is completely finished and is currently being taken on a U.S. tour of college campuses, where it should play in spades throughout August and early September.”
Facetious, I like this guy.
“To find a list of towns, again, check his website. The film was directed by Bob Gosse, who doesn't really have anything substantial under his belt worth mentioning here. Max wrote the screenplay with his buddy Nils Parker, “
Did you not see Julie Johnson? Anything substantial? Dude, he got Courtney Love to appear nude on film, and he didn’t even have to fuck her first. Sir, I don’t believe you understand what you’ve just said:
“so you can expect something in tone with what you read in the book.”
Which means fictional stories based on fictional “true” stories.
“The author has a unique and breezy way of writing that doesn't allow you to escape his prose. He's a natural, with a god given talent. Sure.”
Care for a teaspoon of sarcasm with your tea?
“But if you've read I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell, you'll know that most of his stories go nowhere, and they have little in the way of a structural arc.”
Wait, you mean the book? Oh, sorry, I thought you meant the script.
“If you pick up a copy to see what all the fuss is about, you're sure to put it down, bewildered by its lack of heart. “
And/Or lack of truth.
"How the heck did they make a movie out of this?" Well, that's where Nils come in. Together, they've pulled the most obnoxious, laugh-tinged moments”
Including ones that never occurred and aren’t in the book
Part III
“from the narrative and strung them into a road trip plot about a bachelor party. Early word of mouth is that while it's pretty darn funny,”
Uh…
Okay, either he’s being facetious, or he’s a fucking tool. Grrrr, I can’t wait until Tucker gets his say.
“it could wind up languishing on video store shelves just like Elizabeth Wurtzel's Prozac Nation.”
Which was in hardcover and made Wertzel a multimillionaire darling of whatever. What I’m trying to say is, she doesn’t live with roommates in a shitty part of Los Angeles.
“If Freestyle is smart,”
They are smart, they’re about the only company who is going to make money on this movie.
“they will certainly try to play off the success of this summer's The Hangover.”
I can see the tagline: “IN A WORLD WHERE DOUCHE IS KING, COME SEE THE HANGOVER 2, ER, I MEAN THIS CLUNKY TITLE THAT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THE OVERALL NARRATIVE OF THE MOVIE”.
“Some audience members, unfamiliar with Max and his energetic prose, may see it as a less than worthy rip-off.”
You’re assuming they’ll actually “see it” to give them that opinion.
“Matt Czuchry, best known for his time on Gilmore Girls and Friday Night Lights plays Max in the film. Why?”
Because Tucker blew his chance in Hollywood and couldn’t get anybody to even read his piece of shit script so he had to depend on The Collective, which is a management company who is owned by the major players at Darko.
“Because Tucker stated in an interview that he didn't have the talent to pull off the performance himself.”
He also stated a lot of other things that are complete bullshit, like the movie is getting major distribution and that he’s talented and about 90% of his novel, but don’t let that stop you from believing him.
“In Tucker's lastest blog update, he says that he doesn't like the upcoming trailer, and that it didn't make him want to see the movie. At all.”
“Didn’t make him want to see the movie” is something everybody in America will soon be saying.
Part IV:
“I like that he's being entirely honest,”
Because it will probably be the first and last time that occurs.
“and a book about the production of the film, no matter how good or bad it is, will more than likely be an exceptional read worth any Cinephile's time. “
Unless of course the movie bombs horribly. Wait, did this motherfucker just say there’s a BOOK ABOUT THE MOVIE THAT WILL BE RELEASED?
IS THAT WHAT ASSHOLES FINISH FIRST IS GOING TO BE ABOUT? HIS BORING AND PRETENTIOUS FUCKING BLOG ABOUT A NOBODY WITH A HUGE EGO SHOWING THE WORLD THAT HE DOESN”T KNOW SHIT ABOUT SHIT ABOUT FILMMAKING!?!?!?!?!?!
I now understand what it takes for somebody to walk into a school full of kids and shoot them.
“I, myself, can't wait to see the finished film. I hope it's entertaining. But if not, oh, well. “
Seriously dude, I hope you get AIDS in your eyeballs, I almost hate you more than Tucker. Grrrrrrr, I can’t wait to hear Tucker tear you to shreds.
WAIT!! Did I just say that?
Can somebody make a blog about this douchebag so I can deconstruct him even more (if this is a real email and not done by Tucker)
“Sometimes, as evident by this month's I Love You, Beth Cooper, a great comedic novel simply doesn't work well on screen. Words and film. They are two different mediums.”
So is a fist and a face.
“Sometimes, they don't jive in context of one another. And its hard to capture a very personal voice on screen.”
No, that’s the problem, Tucker captured his very personal voice and it exposed him as a douchebag.
“Rest assured, though, we will more than likely be covering I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell the closer we get to a release date. If any college students have seen the film, write in and let me know what you think. I will post your thoughts here in a follow-up.”
God, I hate you Movie Reviewer Guy, it’s like you kissed ass and kicked ass at the same time, I’m so confused….
“_I wasn't pissed at the dude for all the things he got wrong, just confused.”
Wait, Tucker is confused too, which makes me sort of a douchebag for sharing the same emotions with him. I FUCKING HATE YOU MOVIE REVIEWER GUY, I FUCKING HATE YOU!!!
Holy shit that was a long winded answer to a really short question. BUT WAIT, I’m going to go double or nothing that Tucker can top the Long Winded Movie Reviewer Guy (LWMRG)
Let’s see…
Destructionist guy, you are one funny fellow.
Part VII
“There are a ton of other things I could address, but they are minor,_so whatever. In the future, if you have any question or want any info,_just come directly to the source: tuckermax@gmail.com. I know this is_a novel thing for movies, and no other film companies run their_projects this way, but we are different.”
I love it how Tucker gets all touchy feely when he has to. Like in this case he’s going to NEED EVERY POSITIVE REVIEW HE CAN GET (even though he's stated that movie reviewers are obsolete), so he’s going to kiss their ass.
Sort of like how he kissed the ass of the people of Shreveport until he didn’t need them anymore and they politely asked him to show the movie down there, and he said:
“Fuck you Shreveport”.
How do you think the reviewer is going to stack up with Tucker if he doesn’t like IHTSBIH?
“ am not trying to shit on Paulington at Movieweb or single him out at all. He seems like a good guy and at least makes an effort to get shit right, which is better than most movie writers,”
When I say “most movie writers”, I mean those who give us bad reviews, then I’ll find something about them and try to discredit them, it’s sort of what Scientology does only more creepy and desperate.
“but he is still doing what everyone else does--making assumptions and speculation instead of actual reporting.”
You mean making assumptions like “this is one of the best comedies of the last 10 years” or speculations like “this movie will easily beat the box office of The Hangover.”?
Is that what you mean you hypocritical fuckwad?
“This has been a systematic issue with all movie sites--none of them ever go to the source for any information. It is mind-boggling to me. Virtually site I have seen does little more than post ridiculous speculation, baseless rumors, and random ranting. The only "news" they ever post, they get directly from either Variety or THR or some other MSM source.”
Which is going to be hard for them since NONE of the MSM will likely review this piece of shit.
“Aside from Ain't It Cool News, I can't think of a time I've seen any site doing any original reporting or checking of sources.”
Dude, seriously, get Harry Knowles laid and he’ll give you a great review. Worked for George Lucas…
“I mean--my production blog has been up for over a year. I have my email listed on my site. I have responded to tons of questions from fans in the past.”
Well, at least the questions that were hand picked by me that had nothing but nice things to say, the other billion emails go in the trash.
“Why do NONE of the movie blogs ever think to actually ask me?”
Because you’re a douchebag and a transparent liar for starters so anything you have to say will most likely be A) douchey and B) a lie, much like everything else in your shitty blog (soon to be made into Assholes Finish First ahahahahahahahahahahaha).
Deconstruction Guy,
This is my favorite line:
"“Maybe no one else in Hollywood has their contact info available.”
Hey Tucker, that’s a great idea, you should make your contact info available. In fact, you should just print your address on your website. I mean, look what that did for Rebecca Schaeffer. "
Honestly, I had no idea who Rebecca Schaeffer was until I just looked her up on Wikipedia. I haven't stopped laughing since.
"Wait, did this motherfucker just say there’s a BOOK ABOUT THE MOVIE THAT WILL BE RELEASED?
IS THAT WHAT ASSHOLES FINISH FIRST IS GOING TO BE ABOUT? HIS BORING AND PRETENTIOUS FUCKING BLOG ABOUT A NOBODY WITH A HUGE EGO SHOWING THE WORLD THAT HE DOESN”T KNOW SHIT ABOUT SHIT ABOUT FILMMAKING!?!?!?!?!?!"
That's it. Makes perfect sense. He's been saying AFF would come out at about the same time as the movie; now we know why: he's going to just take all his movie blog posts and stick them between some covers and call it AFF.
And it'll be another 5-year run in the NYT bestsellers! Right? RIGHT?!?!?!?!?
^^^ No, dude, you guys are wrong. AFF will be another book of really artistic and highly true stories. The highlights? Tucker crashes a boat into a Circuit City; Tucker tries to create a hologram of himself tossing some girl's salad, but his buddy falls out of the heating duct, and all three begin sneezing uncontrollably; Tucker's blister pops, spilling puss all over the lobby of a Raddison hotel, getting him banned from all Raddisons for life; and Tucker has sex with a post-op tranny, before the operation (you know, when he/she is still a dude).
No, the new book is going to be revolutionary. Why? IT'S GOING TO BE EXACTLY THE SAME AS THE OLD BOOK, BUT WITH A NEW COVER. Holy ass-crabs, that's revolutionary!
"And hack reporter Mark Ebner is a shill for Tucker Max. Hey Mark, I get it already, you don’t like Scientology. Get a new schtick why don’t you."
hahahahahahahahaha
From the IHTSBIH blog's latest post:
"Maybe it's because everyone else in the movie business is so secretive and anti-press and afraid of the internet, I don't know."
Translation:
"I am so secretive and anti-press and afraid of the internet."
After Otto's experiences with O & A and Gawker, can you really blame him?
OK, whoever wrote this and made me laugh so loud at BW3 that everyone around me thinks I'm insane deserves a goddamned medal:
"No, dude, you guys are wrong. AFF will be another book of really artistic and highly true stories. The highlights? Tucker crashes a boat into a Circuit City; Tucker tries to create a hologram of himself tossing some girl's salad, but his buddy falls out of the heating duct, and all three begin sneezing uncontrollably; Tucker's blister pops, spilling puss all over the lobby of a Raddison hotel, getting him banned from all Raddisons for life; and Tucker has sex with a post-op tranny, before the operation (you know, when he/she is still a dude).
No, the new book is going to be revolutionary. Why? IT'S GOING TO BE EXACTLY THE SAME AS THE OLD BOOK, BUT WITH A NEW COVER. Holy ass-crabs, that's revolutionary!"
Dude, that shit is motherfucking UPROARIOUS! Reading this blog is the highlight of my daily perusal of the series of tubes.
I don't know who the hell any of you people are, but I do know that this comment section has some of the funniest fucking posts I've ever had the pleasure of reading.
Viva la Doucebag Blog!
P.S. Tucker Max is both a liar and a douchebag.
“Freestyle is one of the distributors, but not_in the normal sense.”
It’s not normal in that WE HAVE TO PAY THEM TO SHOW THE MOVIE.
Say that again: TUCKER MAX, PRODUCER HAS TO PAY A DISTRIBUTOR UP FRONT TO SHOW HIS MOVIE.
Holy shit. I knew it was bad, but Darko actually had to pay distributors to show it?
Tucker loves to downplay stuff like the donut shop incident. When he talks about it now he says "it was just a broken window" no big deal, blah blah.
Read what he wrote in the actual story below:
4:45: I parallel park the car into a space that is too small. I try to force it in. The car gets stuck. I slam on the gas, the wheels spin until they catch the curb and jump the car onto the sidewalk, crashing it into a storefront.
4:46: I get out of the car. I am INSIDE of a donut shop. With the car. Shattered glass crunches under my feet as I investigate the damage. There are broken and fractured tables scattered all across the store. The car has only a few scratches. I am in shock and completely unsure about what to do. I am have never driven a car into a store before.
4:47: Thankfully the donut shop is closed and empty of people. I still don't know what to do. I start laughing to myself. I look behind the counter, but the donuts are all put away.
Now, does that sound like a minor broken window incident? In his own words the CAR IS INSIDE THE BUSINESS. TABLES WERE DESTROYED. HE WENT BEHIND THE COUNTER.
Dude, reporters are going to have a field day with you. Just edit that shit from your site already.
Is there some place where the "Tucker Max/Otto Interview" is available all strung together? I've only been able to find bits and pieces of it on various anti-max sites.
I wonder how Ryan Holiday is going to fit 30,000 S'WAG bags in his black Jetta?
Watching Tucker go on and on about his movie is like watching some little kids build a huge paper-mache boulder in their bedroom only to realize that once their finished the boulder won't fit through the doorway.
"You got kicked out? What did you do?"
The only person who could verify his story... can't verify it.
I'm tucker maxth and I approve of thith poth.
Interview is here. Just attach these three lines.
https://www.blogger.com/comment.g?
postID=117436504077523328&blogID=
21127102&isPopup=false&page=20
I've decided to let Tucker's own words deconstruct himself on this one.
Fuck whatcha heard: Shreveport is alright - June 15, 2008 04:21 PM (
All I heard from people before I got here was how awful Shreveport is, how depressing and hot and boring it was and how I would hate it.
I have been here two days so far, and I totally disagree. Shreveport is a fun fucking city.
You should see the sporting goods stores. I have spent so much time in places like Chicago and New York and LA, I forgot what sporting goods stores in the south are like. Rows of guns, palettes of ammunition, aisles of compound bows, wrist rockets, airsoft guns, paintball guns, tannerite, hundreds of knives, everything you could ever want if your goal is to hunt, shoot, kill, maim, destroy, or just generally cause mayhem. Jeff, Nils and I spent at least two hours at that place, and are going back tomorrow to test a bunch of bows and other cool things. I have a feeling bowhunting the neighborhood squirrels will be one of the Assistant vs. Assistant contests.
For dinner, we went to one of those barbecue places you only find in the south. A roll of paper towels on every table, an industrial wash sink right out in the open, and you buy everything by the pound. We had two pounds of crawfish, two pounds of ribs, a pound of alligator, a pound of catfish, and all kinds of hush puppies, baked beans, fries and texas toast. $50 for all of it. We had a great steak dinner last night for $300, and it's debatable which meal was better.
Last night we went out drinking at a bunch of bars, and the people could not have been any nicer. There were plenty of good looking girls, and a few that were flat out smoking hot. There are a ton of bars here, some of them are really cool, and the bars stay open till 6am. Seriously--what the fuck else could you ask for in a town besides nice people, lots of bars open late, and hot girls? Los Angeles has NOTHING on Shreveport in terms of bar scene (well, if you actually care about drinking and don't just go to bars to do blow in the bathroom and pretend you're important).
Oh yeah--THERE ARE CASINOS HERE. Nice ones. You might not be able to tell this about me, but I like to gamble.
Fuck everyone who shits on this place. If you can't have fun here, you just suck as a person."
"Shreveport is alright, part 2 - June 16, 2008 11:48 AM
Our neighbor just came over to introduce herself, and brought us a fresh baked, homemade pecan pie:
"That's what the south is famous for. It'll raise your blood sugar, boys!"
I missed the South. It's good to be back."
The Finale:
"Why no [insert city] on your tour?" - June 11, 2009 05:11 AM
"-Shreveport: What a bunch of fucking whiny babies. We filmed the movie in Shreveport, and so for some reason many people from Shreveport think this entitles them to get something else from us--I guess the millions of dollars we spent in that city weren't enough, so they email Nils and I constantly about how we need to come back and premiere the movie. Like we fucking owe them something! Look people, I don't give a fuck about your city, just like you don't give a fuck about mine, and no one in Shreveport did anything so super for our film that anyone who worked on the production feels any pressing need to show our affection. We showed our affection by cutting you your check. Be happy someone from the civilized world even came to the city once. Not coming back, stop asking. [I hate to be harsh about this, but there is nothing I hate more than people who act entitled to shit that they should be appreciative for. Fuck that.]"
Sometimes it's just easier to let somebody shoot themselves in the head then it is to purchase ammo.
The Deconstructionist Guy
Classic Shreveport post. Is he bi-polar? Dr. Jerkoff / Mr. Douche?
It shows who he really is at his core. A mean selfish idiot.
Tucker Max makes Axl Rose seem stable and rational.
I wonder if we could get BC Woods on here to show a "beginning Tucker" email thru to his "You're Fired" email.
I'm sure it'll be the same as these posts about Shreveport.
Tucker: "I love this place, it's so down to Earth and awesome."
Tucker a year later: "Fuck you Shreveport, I got what I needed, go suck a dick you bunch of ingrates"
Also, this was AFTER Tucker totaled his house and left Shreveport.
Unlike tugger, I think most of shreveport has figured out how to flush a toilet.
I think what the deconstuctionist guy is speaking about is that there's a not-so-complex and even less subtle way that Tucker does business. When he wants something from you, he's the nicest guy in the world, but that it's just a front. This is why Tucker has so many enemies (ex board members, ex roommates) in this world.
Notice how he is with the film reviewer: polite, courteous even engaging. If you took Tucker at his word, you'd think there hasn't been a bad word said about his "art". However, there is another side of the coin, like perhaps when Violent Acres did a piece about Tucker's writing. Compare that aftermath to how he's treating somebody (the film reviewer) who he needs something from (good press). Now let's see what will happen if this reviewer gives him a shitty review?
Do you think the nice Tucker will stick around? Does anybody believe that his act is as transparent as it seems. No wonder he didn't want to play himself, he's not a good actor.
...I just saw Wedding Crashers... remember the part where Luke Wilson pours the eyedrops into that guy's drink? Tucker would NEVER have something so hijynxy in HIS script.
Hyjinxikal
7/04/2009 4:57 PM
I'm from the RMMB, and some people over there have been noticing for a while now what a phony Tucker is, or has become. We email each other some stuff, and honestly we're sick of it. One of us on Tucker's board ended up emailing us this article yesterday evening, and... I really don't know what to say.
Not that this was any surprise, but whoever did the leg work on this story, Thank you. It shows Tucker for the phony he is. There's nothing honest or sincere about him anymore (not that there ever was), and the mask is off and he is exposed for exactly what he is, a total and complete manipulative phony.
What article?
Seems to be the "7/04/2009 4:57 PM" post on here (Shreveport etc), since he puts that at the top of the post?
Tucker,
How are the tour plans coming?
You have two more months before the fun begins. It must be exciting.
Are you having any trouble booking theaters on such short notice?
Any problems with insurance and security?
Who is handling the ticket sales, credit card processing and customer service, etc?
Are you going to hire a real video guy to tape the Q&As or will you just wing it with a phone camera?
Do you still need to have a separate hotel room in each city or will you sleep on the bus with the rest of the guys?
Do you cut your own hair?
Will you be selling and distributing the swag bags yourself and will they be stored on the bus or in a separate van/truck?
How is the trailer coming?
Why have you or the trades not announced the films distributor yet?
Will Bob Gosse be sleeping on the bus, and if so, who gets the Dane Cook suite?
Why are you only nice to people you need stuff from?
Why do you hate Shreveport when it sounded like you loved the place when you were there?
You're not one of those guys who pretends that no matter what happens they are still in the best place possible at all times?
Do the guys at Darko laugh at you for predicting that you will "easily gross more than two hundred million dollars"?
Do you think it's odd that you wrote a manifesto declaring that the public will no longer accept garbage from Hollywood on the very weekend that Transformers II made four hundred million dollars?
Why do you need to read a speech? Can't you remember your own story?
How can I get a hardcopy of your book?
Will the guy that was hiding in the closet with the camera be on the college tour?
Why do you constantly call the people who post on your message board idiots?
How did you read the book Hatchet before it was published?
Why did you scalp hockey tickets for a game that was 1/4 sold?
How is Dave Navarro?
Do you still think this was a good idea?
Why was utne reader guy at the hockey game? Did greasy camo guy, fat loud girl, and lazy eye asian guy have the night off?
If utne reader guy is the kind of guy who drinks wine at bars, why was he drinking beer at a hockey game?
"If utne reader guy is the kind of guy who drinks wine at bars, why was he drinking beer at a hockey game?"
He HAD to be there so Tucker could tell the story.
You know how snobby leftists love to just wander into Hockey games.
Why do you constantly call the people who post on your message board idiots?
I'll take "Because people who believe my shit are idiots" for $200, Alex.
"You have two more months before the fun begins. It must be exciting."
Fuck yeah.
"Are you having any trouble booking theaters on such short notice?"
Fucking shit, I'm Tucker Max. I don't need to worry about that. The theaters will fall over themselves to make room for me. All I need to do is show up and say "I'm Tucker Max, and I have a movie!"
"Any problems with insurance and security?"
Bitch, didn't you hear me? I'm Tucker Max. I can call up Geico or some shit a couple days before we leave and work that out, half an hour, tops. Or we do it on the road. I'm Tucker Max, I'm not going to let a little thing like that stop me from getting this shit started.
"Who is handling the ticket sales, credit card processing and customer service, etc?"
I don't think you're hearing me. I'M TUCKER MAX. I say something needs to happen, it happens. I don't worry about the details. The little people do that. And if they don't, their asses are fired, and good luck collecting any overdue paychecks, haha!
"Are you going to hire a real video guy to tape the Q&As or will you just wing it with a phone camera?"
What the fuck are you saying? Do you know who you're talking to? I'm fucking Tucker Max. I invented movie Q&As. Nobody ever fucking did them the way I do and the entire fucking movie industry is taking pointers from me. And anywa phone cameras are revolutionary, they're fucking immediate, man, they put you right fucking there, on the spot, with the actors, the shaking and bad focus is like it's fucking real, man. Cause it IS real. I mean ... Hey, fuck you!
"Do you still need to have a separate hotel room in each city or will you sleep on the bus with the rest of the guys?"
Fuck you. I'm Tucker Max. I deserve the best. And shit, did you stop to think for a minute what the inside of that bus will smell like, with all those guys farting all night? Fuck, I don't have to put up with that. I'm Tucker Max.
"Do you cut your own hair?"
I'm Tucker Max, do you think I cut my own hair? Fuck no Tucker Max does not cut his own hair. Bunny's still got a black eye from last time she did it fucking wrong.
"Will you be selling and distributing the swag bags yourself and will they be stored on the bus or in a separate van/truck?"
How the fuck should I know? I'm Tucker Max, I don't fucking worry about things like that, I'm gonna be making fun of the driver and trying to get him drunk and keeping a lookout for hot girls in the cars we pass. That's what the whole fucking point of this trip is, after all.
"How is the trailer coming?"
Fucking awesome. And it has nothing to do with the trailer script that was posted in this thread earlier. So don't even pretend it's the same, bitch. It's 100% our own fucking work. Maybe really stupid people might think it's the same but ours is, like, totally fucking different.
"Why have you or the trades not announced the films distributor yet?"
I'm Tucker fucking Max, I make announcements whenever I fucking want to. This is all part of my grand plan to revolutionize Hollywood, I'm going to make the announcement at a totally unexpected time and totally wow the whole industry. So I can't tell you. Well actually I can tell you we're doing it next fucking Monday, but if it doesn't turn out to happen it's because some really heavy but cool shit is going down behind the scenes that I can't talk about but it's all going to make the eventual announcement even cooler. What? The trades? Who gives a fuck about them? Certainly not Tucker Max.
"Will Bob Gosse be sleeping on the bus, and if so, who gets the Dane Cook suite?"
I'm Tucker Max, not Bob Gosse. I have no fucking clue what he's going to be doing. Go to the fucking source and ask him.
"Why are you only nice to people you need stuff from?"
I'm Tucker Max. I'm not nice to anyone. I'm an asshole. How many times do I need to say it? If you think I'm being nice to someone you're just fucking stupid.
"Why do you hate Shreveport when it sounded like you loved the place when you were there?"
How fucking stupid do you have to be to think I hate Shreveport or that I loved it? I didn't say anything of the sort. It was a good place to do the shoot and a business decision not to premiere the movie there. Purely professional decisions in both cases. That's me, pure professional: Tucker Max.
"You're not one of those guys who pretends that no matter what happens they are still in the best place possible at all times? "
Listen, fuckhead, I'm Tucker Max. I'm always in the best place possible at all times.
"Do the guys at Darko laugh at you for predicting that you will "easily gross more than two hundred million dollars"?"
Where are you getting that from? I never predicted that. I'm Tucker Max, I don't make stupid fucking predictions. It's impossible to know how fucking awesome this movie will do. I can tell you this though: we are going to leave Transformers 2 in the dust, because our movie is, like, totally fucking different.
"Do you think it's odd that you wrote a manifesto declaring that the public will no longer accept garbage from Hollywood on the very weekend that Transformers II made four hundred million dollars?"
What the fuck is odd about that? Didn't I just tell you my movie is going to blow TF2 away? That'll prove that I'm exactly right in my revolutionizing of Hollywood and have been all along because TF2 is crap and the reaction to my movie will prove exactly what the fuck I've been saying. I'm Tucker Max.
"Why do you need to read a speech? Can't you remember your own story?"
Fuck you. I'm Tucker Max. I know how to read speeches, I've given speeches to awesome college kids all over the country.
"How can I get a hardcopy of your book?"
Dude, I don't fucking know. Go to an airport bookstore and ask if they have any remaindered copies? Or print out my website. Same fucking thing.
"Will the guy that was hiding in the closet with the camera be on the college tour?"
What guy that was hiding in what closet? I don't know any ... FUCK YOU. BANNED.
"Fuck You, BANNED!!!"
It's like the rallying cry of this message board.
-TDG
“Yes, we showed the movie in Cannes - May 27, 2009 04:04 PM” (Deconstructed)
In this episode, we will explore the depths of Tucker’s intellectual dishonesty.
“This is already out of the bag in Hollywood, so I might as well talk about it:”
The “bag” being Tucker’s message board: Population 50.
“OK, so I think I may have kinda lied to you guys”
HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!! DID HE JUST ADMIT HE’S A LIAR!?!? A BREAKTHROUGH FOR TUCKER!!!
“but not on purpose.”
Oh well, at least he tried. Even odds that this “lie” works out in Tucker’s favor.
“I have said in the past that we weren't taking this movie to any film festivals to try to get awards or to get distribution,”
A) Because it would never be accepted at any film festival worth note.
B) Don’t worry Tucker, the Razzies will know your name.
C) I’m sure you and Harvey Weinstein would make great friends, much like how Mr. Weinstein got along with your colleague Troy Duffy.
“since we can get distribution without it. “
Tucker, say the words” “Freestyle Distribution” after you say that last sentence.
“And that's true--we didn't need to take it to a festival to get distribution. “
Because Sundance is for fags and it didn’t fit on my tour schedule, because bus tours are where real distribution lies. Don’t think so? Fuck you, BANNED!!!
“DOMESTIC distribution, which is all I really care about.”
And didn’t really get.
“But, in order to get foreign distribution, the decision was made by Darko to take the movie to Cannes and screen the movie for buyers.”
Because they’ve got to milk this thing for every single penny to recoup their bad 6 million dollar investment.
“None of us went with the movie to do the Cannes thing, because it wasn't in competition”
Also because Tucker and crew weren’t invited.
Part 2:
“and we'd already secured domestic distribution and this was just a screening for foreign territory buyers, so the only person to go with the movie was our foreign sales rep.”
Actually, it was only the sales rep, because Darko didn’t want to go either. However, they were also there to sell foreign distribution rights to “The Box and Rogue’s Gallery, the other two Darko films that will pretty much make certain that no investor will want to touch anything the company ever does again.
“Now, every person who works in movie sales is, well...to put it politely, a salesman. “
Tucker, I do realize that 99% of your board are borderline retarded, but I’m pretty sure they could draw that conclusion. Except for Jon Tando, but who cares, hasn’t he outlived his uselessness?
“This includes our foreign sales rep. Of course he told us that the movie killed”
Like I mean, KILLED. Some Egyptian dude had a heart attack during one of my hijinx, er, um… I mean, clever dialogue.
“and got tons of laughs and everything is sunshine and kittens,”
Somebody give him negative rep for saying “sunshine and kittens”.
Oddly enough, IHTSBIH has no foreign distribution, so unless “sunshine and kittens” means “not marketable to a foreign audience”, then perhaps Tucker is lying.
“but I stopped listening to sales guys at least two years ago.”
When Tucker's book moved about 1000 units FOR EVERY AREA OUTSIDE OF NORTH AMERICA. That's Europe, Asia, and South America.
“It's not that I thought he was lying, but it's his job to hype the movie, so I discounted his comments as salesman puffery.”
Which is funny, because that’s exactly what everybody does with Tucker’s comments. Discount them as salesman puffery.
“Plus, comedy rarely if ever translates between cultures,”
Or even rarer between douchebags.
“and this comedy especially is very American,”
Just like Dick Cheney.
“so I had emotionally checked out of the foreign market long ago. If we do well there great, if not, whatever.”
Of course Tucker isn’t writing the checks, and this movie got little to no distribution, so “whatever” actually means a lot to the actual morons who thought it would be a good idea to put money into this piece of shit.
Part 3: (IMPORTANT FACT FINDING INFORMATION)
“Then, last week I got this email from my assistant on the movie, Greg:”
Greg, the spineless dolt who Tucker publicly humiliated by sending some Neanderthal to choke out, then had post the entire episode on YouTube, who hasn’t been paid since the movie wrapped filming in August.
Greg sounds like a male TheBunny when you think about it.
"I'm sure you already have heard this, but someone I know from school just told me BIH played super well at Cannes.”
Except it didn’t “play” at Cannes. They held INDIVIDUAL SCREENINGS for INDIVIDUAL MARKETS. The most people who actually went to one of these screenings was FOUR.
I know what you’re saying, “but Deconstructionist Guy, how do you know this?” Simple, I have a friend who happens to be a buyer from United International Pictures (UIP), they happen to be the same people who bought the UK rights to Southland Tales. He told me straight up that the “viewings” occurred in a HOTEL ROOM, and they couldn’t even fit more than five people (including the Darko sales rep) into the room at one time.
Don’t fuck with me Tucker, or I’ll start posting emails from the buyers for Bir Films as well.
I know, I know. Fuck me, I’m banned, right?
“Apparently, it was the one movie in Cannes that all the assistants wanted to get into.”
And it was the one movie that none of the buyers wanted to go to, seeing that it got zero foreign distribution.
“Sold out the market screening and "had a lot of laughs." “
You know how Tucker is lying? If you’re a buyer for a distribution company, do you think you actually have to pay to go see a movie that a SALESMAN IS TRYING TO SELL YOU? No, they kiss your ass and you not only get to see the movie for free, most likely your drinks and dinner will be paid for as well, possibly even a hooker thrown your way.
“Wow. Assistants flooding a movie in Cannes? That doesn't happen.”
You’re right, that doesn’t happen, and neither has any of the other things you claimed happened as well.
“But one report is just that: one report, especially when it comes second hand.”
Hey Tucker, I do understand you despise your readership. I get it, they’re fucking retards who’ll believe anything you say. Want to know how I know? Because if anybody would be impressed by “assistants” and “interns” coming to a screening, well, I’d hate them too.
“Then yesterday I got this email:”
After he sent it to himself.
"I saw your movie at the Cannes Film Festival. I was an intern working under the...."
I was going to deconstruct this email because it’s an obvious fabrication. Basically, like in one of Tucker’s stories, the “person” hits all the points that Tucker is trying to make, (even with a distributor commenting on their obvious enthusiasm.) It’s funny how when Tucker wants to add to the points he’s trying to make, he suddenly gets an email from some nameless person who generally parrots EXACTLY what he just said prior to the email.
“_I have since talked to two other people--the only two people I know who were in Cannes--and both said they had heard similar things, with one even saying his assistant was one of the ones who went to the screening.”
Dude, again, you’re bragging about ASSISTANTS going to a screening.
Just sayin’.
Part IV:
“We did sell some territories, and are in the process of selling a few more, but I am not allowed to talk about the specific foreign sales results yet.”
Because they don’t specifically exist.
“But I don't really care about that aspect of this situation--who in America cares about foreign sales (except the people who have points on the movie, of course)?”
So Tucker, with this statement, you’re saying you don’t have points on the movie?
Actually, to make money at this point, your movie will have to break around 20 million dollars, and even then YOU DON’T CONTROL THE BOOKS!!!!
So most likely you won't make money.
“What really makes me smile is that, without any press or buzz or promotion, both screenings were packed with American assistants”
I really want to go to Los Angeles and inject Tucker with Drano. This has to be one of the stupidest statements ever. I mean, this is even dumber than when Tucker explained what a steadicam operator does:
“Bro, he operates a camera that stays fucking steady. Isn’t that amazing?”
THEY’RE FUCKING ASSISTANTS, NOT THE DECISION MAKERS. THEY ARE THE PEOPLE THE DECISION MAKERS SEND IF THEY DON’T WANT TO SHOW UP!!!
For a so-called smart guy with a great pedigree, Tucker Max is a fucking moron.
“to the point where the marketers thought we paying people to show up.”
Which is funny, because if this story were true, that’s exactly what you’d have to do to fill up those 4 seats.
“You can't buy that sort of excitement. You can only get it by making something great.”
Tucker can’t buy that sort of excitement because he has no money.
“I keep telling you guys, the evidence is there to see this, you just have to know where to look:”
And then Tucker BEGS AND BEGS AND BEGS people to PLEASE GOD, LOOK AT MY MOVIE, I NEED TO MAKE MONEY OR I’M GOING TO HAVE TO FALL BACK ON MY WORTHLESS LAW DEGREE.
“This thing is going to be so much bigger than anyone is predicting right now.”
Listen Tucker, if you make more than one dollar, you’’ll be beating every prediction.
“Well...anyone but me.”
Me, Tucker the liar.
Part V
“EDIT 1: And yeah, I guess Charlie Hoehn predicted it too.”
Who?
“EDIT 2: I wasn't going to mention this, but fuck it, I am too arrogant not to:
David Zuckerman was the first one to say the words "oscar" and "screenplay" to Nils and I in the same sentence. I scoffed at him, thinking he was just being nice to me.”
He wasn’t being nice to you, he never even said this. David Zuckerman, you need to call a lawyer, because this has to border on libel.
Oscar? Dude, seriously? I really need to find Tucker Max and play poker with him, he can’t bluff for shit. Now his story went from “LIE” to out and out BULLSHIT.
“Well, I have had someone else say that. Not to me, but to other people. “
You mean like the Fat Asian Girl or “Mark” your friend at the hockey game?
“And not just some scrub, but someone who has an idea of what they are talking about. Their exact quote was something to the extent of "sleeper nomination for best adapted screenplay." “
Somebody like maybe… Tucker Max?
“I wasn't there, I can't confirm this, but...I was told this by someone who has no reason to lie to me.”
Imaginary friends never have a reason to lie to you Tucker.
“Look, I expect massive, massive commercial success for this movie.”
Yep, all from less than 50 screens. Good luck with that.
“No theatrical gross you could tell me would shock me for this movie. “
How about less than 500K?
“But any sort of awards-type recognition--that will shock me. I would be blown away by an MTV movie awards nomination, much less a real awards show nom.”
Yeah, because the MTV Movie Award is oh so prestigious.
“Not because I think the script doesn't deserve it,”
Because, let’s be honest for once Tucker, it doesn’t.
“but because we are such outsiders and because this movie is so different in so many ways,”
Tucker is such an “outsider” that he raised all his money from Hollywood people, had Hollywood actors, had all Hollywood producers, lives in Hollywood and has a Hollywood distributor. Yep, that’s about as outside of Hollywood as you can get.
“I just don't think it'll happen. I would take any bets against that happening. “
Hey Tucker, here’s a bet for you. In a year after release, if your film doesn’t make back it’s budget, then you quit the internet, or at least this bloated self important douchebag character you believe people think is cool?
And if I lose, I’ll do the same. Bet?
Oh wait, you’re shit when it comes to paying back your loses, just ask Mr. X.
“No fucking way the Academy is going to nominate two random guys who made an indie movie and aren't even in the WGA. No way.”
Really Tucker? It certainly worked for Billy Bob Thorton. And wait, I thought you were HUGE!?
“I don't expect any recognition of my work--book, website, movie, whatever--ever from any mainstream organization of any sort.”
Except when I lie about it.
“At least not for a long time. But that's OK--as long as fans love it, I am happy.”
Unless they question any of his stories, then it’s “Fuck you, BANNED!”
“EDIT 4: I guess Bunny was actually the first to tell me that our script would get Oscar attention. But she is kooky and usually way far ahead of her time, so I never pay attention to her predictions.”
Yes, Bunny, the same person who is now taking a cock up her ass while she is in rehab. The crazy girl who has his back even though Tucker made her even more of a loon then she was when he met her. The one whose predictions and ramblings about Tucker’s movie are even less coherent and lucid then a retard who found a straight razor at a child care service.The one who probably won’t live to see 40. She is the stamp of approval for Tucker Max.
By the way Bunny, how’s that book deal coming along? You pay back the 100 dollar advance yet?
Fini
This Blog is amazing.
Time for a new page
Tucker rules!
"anything The Hangover can do at the box office, we can beat. Easily." JUNE, TUCKER MAX 2009
"anything The Hangover can do at the box office, we can beat. Easily." JUNE, TUCKER MAX 2009
I need to repost this, it's brilliant:
“Yes, we showed the movie in Cannes - May 27, 2009 04:04 PM” (Deconstructed)
In this episode, we will explore the depths of Tucker’s intellectual dishonesty.
“This is already out of the bag in Hollywood, so I might as well talk about it:”
The “bag” being Tucker’s message board: Population 50.
“OK, so I think I may have kinda lied to you guys”
HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!! DID HE JUST ADMIT HE’S A LIAR!?!? A BREAKTHROUGH FOR TUCKER!!!
“but not on purpose.”
Oh well, at least he tried. Even odds that this “lie” works out in Tucker’s favor.
“I have said in the past that we weren't taking this movie to any film festivals to try to get awards or to get distribution,”
A) Because it would never be accepted at any film festival worth note.
B) Don’t worry Tucker, the Razzies will know your name.
C) I’m sure you and Harvey Weinstein would make great friends, much like how Mr. Weinstein got along with your colleague Troy Duffy.
“since we can get distribution without it. “
Tucker, say the words” “Freestyle Distribution” after you say that last sentence.
“And that's true--we didn't need to take it to a festival to get distribution. “
Because Sundance is for fags and it didn’t fit on my tour schedule, because bus tours are where real distribution lies. Don’t think so? Fuck you, BANNED!!!
“DOMESTIC distribution, which is all I really care about.”
And didn’t really get.
“But, in order to get foreign distribution, the decision was made by Darko to take the movie to Cannes and screen the movie for buyers.”
Because they’ve got to milk this thing for every single penny to recoup their bad 6 million dollar investment.
“None of us went with the movie to do the Cannes thing, because it wasn't in competition”
Also because Tucker and crew weren’t invited.
Part 2:
“and we'd already secured domestic distribution and this was just a screening for foreign territory buyers, so the only person to go with the movie was our foreign sales rep.”
Actually, it was only the sales rep, because Darko didn’t want to go either. However, they were also there to sell foreign distribution rights to “The Box and Rogue’s Gallery, the other two Darko films that will pretty much make certain that no investor will want to touch anything the company ever does again.
“Now, every person who works in movie sales is, well...to put it politely, a salesman. “
Tucker, I do realize that 99% of your board are borderline retarded, but I’m pretty sure they could draw that conclusion. Except for Jon Tando, but who cares, hasn’t he outlived his uselessness?
“This includes our foreign sales rep. Of course he told us that the movie killed”
Like I mean, KILLED. Some Egyptian dude had a heart attack during one of my hijinx, er, um… I mean, clever dialogue.
“and got tons of laughs and everything is sunshine and kittens,”
Somebody give him negative rep for saying “sunshine and kittens”.
Oddly enough, IHTSBIH has no foreign distribution, so unless “sunshine and kittens” means “not marketable to a foreign audience”, then perhaps Tucker is lying.
“but I stopped listening to sales guys at least two years ago.”
When Tucker's book moved about 1000 units FOR EVERY AREA OUTSIDE OF NORTH AMERICA. That's Europe, Asia, and South America.
“It's not that I thought he was lying, but it's his job to hype the movie, so I discounted his comments as salesman puffery.”
Which is funny, because that’s exactly what everybody does with Tucker’s comments. Discount them as salesman puffery.
“Plus, comedy rarely if ever translates between cultures,”
Or even rarer between douchebags.
“and this comedy especially is very American,”
Just like Dick Cheney.
“so I had emotionally checked out of the foreign market long ago. If we do well there great, if not, whatever.”
Of course Tucker isn’t writing the checks, and this movie got little to no distribution, so “whatever” actually means a lot to the actual morons who thought it would be a good idea to put money into this piece of shit.
Part 3: (IMPORTANT FACT FINDING INFORMATION)
“Then, last week I got this email from my assistant on the movie, Greg:”
Greg, the spineless dolt who Tucker publicly humiliated by sending some Neanderthal to choke out, then had post the entire episode on YouTube, who hasn’t been paid since the movie wrapped filming in August.
Greg sounds like a male TheBunny when you think about it.
"I'm sure you already have heard this, but someone I know from school just told me BIH played super well at Cannes.”
Except it didn’t “play” at Cannes. They held INDIVIDUAL SCREENINGS for INDIVIDUAL MARKETS. The most people who actually went to one of these screenings was FOUR.
I know what you’re saying, “but Deconstructionist Guy, how do you know this?” Simple, I have a friend who happens to be a buyer from United International Pictures (UIP), they happen to be the same people who bought the UK rights to Southland Tales. He told me straight up that the “viewings” occurred in a HOTEL ROOM, and they couldn’t even fit more than five people (including the Darko sales rep) into the room at one time.
Don’t fuck with me Tucker, or I’ll start posting emails from the buyers for Bir Films as well.
I know, I know. Fuck me, I’m banned, right?
“Apparently, it was the one movie in Cannes that all the assistants wanted to get into.”
And it was the one movie that none of the buyers wanted to go to, seeing that it got zero foreign distribution.
“Sold out the market screening and "had a lot of laughs." “
You know how Tucker is lying? If you’re a buyer for a distribution company, do you think you actually have to pay to go see a movie that a SALESMAN IS TRYING TO SELL YOU? No, they kiss your ass and you not only get to see the movie for free, most likely your drinks and dinner will be paid for as well, possibly even a hooker thrown your way.
“Wow. Assistants flooding a movie in Cannes? That doesn't happen.”
You’re right, that doesn’t happen, and neither has any of the other things you claimed happened as well.
“But one report is just that: one report, especially when it comes second hand.”
Hey Tucker, I do understand you despise your readership. I get it, they’re fucking retards who’ll believe anything you say. Want to know how I know? Because if anybody would be impressed by “assistants” and “interns” coming to a screening, well, I’d hate them too.
“Then yesterday I got this email:”
After he sent it to himself.
"I saw your movie at the Cannes Film Festival. I was an intern working under the...."
I was going to deconstruct this email because it’s an obvious fabrication. Basically, like in one of Tucker’s stories, the “person” hits all the points that Tucker is trying to make, (even with a distributor commenting on their obvious enthusiasm.) It’s funny how when Tucker wants to add to the points he’s trying to make, he suddenly gets an email from some nameless person who generally parrots EXACTLY what he just said prior to the email.
“_I have since talked to two other people--the only two people I know who were in Cannes--and both said they had heard similar things, with one even saying his assistant was one of the ones who went to the screening.”
Dude, again, you’re bragging about ASSISTANTS going to a screening.
Just sayin’.
Part IV:
“We did sell some territories, and are in the process of selling a few more, but I am not allowed to talk about the specific foreign sales results yet.”
Because they don’t specifically exist.
“But I don't really care about that aspect of this situation--who in America cares about foreign sales (except the people who have points on the movie, of course)?”
So Tucker, with this statement, you’re saying you don’t have points on the movie?
Actually, to make money at this point, your movie will have to break around 20 million dollars, and even then YOU DON’T CONTROL THE BOOKS!!!!
So most likely you won't make money.
“What really makes me smile is that, without any press or buzz or promotion, both screenings were packed with American assistants”
I really want to go to Los Angeles and inject Tucker with Drano. This has to be one of the stupidest statements ever. I mean, this is even dumber than when Tucker explained what a steadicam operator does:
“Bro, he operates a camera that stays fucking steady. Isn’t that amazing?”
THEY’RE FUCKING ASSISTANTS, NOT THE DECISION MAKERS. THEY ARE THE PEOPLE THE DECISION MAKERS SEND IF THEY DON’T WANT TO SHOW UP!!!
For a so-called smart guy with a great pedigree, Tucker Max is a fucking moron.
“to the point where the marketers thought we paying people to show up.”
Which is funny, because if this story were true, that’s exactly what you’d have to do to fill up those 4 seats.
“You can't buy that sort of excitement. You can only get it by making something great.”
Tucker can’t buy that sort of excitement because he has no money.
“I keep telling you guys, the evidence is there to see this, you just have to know where to look:”
And then Tucker BEGS AND BEGS AND BEGS people to PLEASE GOD, LOOK AT MY MOVIE, I NEED TO MAKE MONEY OR I’M GOING TO HAVE TO FALL BACK ON MY WORTHLESS LAW DEGREE.
“This thing is going to be so much bigger than anyone is predicting right now.”
Listen Tucker, if you make more than one dollar, you’’ll be beating every prediction.
“Well...anyone but me.”
Me, Tucker the liar.
Part V
“EDIT 1: And yeah, I guess Charlie Hoehn predicted it too.”
Who?
“EDIT 2: I wasn't going to mention this, but fuck it, I am too arrogant not to:
David Zuckerman was the first one to say the words "oscar" and "screenplay" to Nils and I in the same sentence. I scoffed at him, thinking he was just being nice to me.”
He wasn’t being nice to you, he never even said this. David Zuckerman, you need to call a lawyer, because this has to border on libel.
Oscar? Dude, seriously? I really need to find Tucker Max and play poker with him, he can’t bluff for shit. Now his story went from “LIE” to out and out BULLSHIT.
“Well, I have had someone else say that. Not to me, but to other people. “
You mean like the Fat Asian Girl or “Mark” your friend at the hockey game?
“And not just some scrub, but someone who has an idea of what they are talking about. Their exact quote was something to the extent of "sleeper nomination for best adapted screenplay." “
Somebody like maybe… Tucker Max?
“I wasn't there, I can't confirm this, but...I was told this by someone who has no reason to lie to me.”
Imaginary friends never have a reason to lie to you Tucker.
“Look, I expect massive, massive commercial success for this movie.”
Yep, all from less than 50 screens. Good luck with that.
“No theatrical gross you could tell me would shock me for this movie. “
How about less than 500K?
“But any sort of awards-type recognition--that will shock me. I would be blown away by an MTV movie awards nomination, much less a real awards show nom.”
Yeah, because the MTV Movie Award is oh so prestigious.
“Not because I think the script doesn't deserve it,”
Because, let’s be honest for once Tucker, it doesn’t.
“but because we are such outsiders and because this movie is so different in so many ways,”
Tucker is such an “outsider” that he raised all his money from Hollywood people, had Hollywood actors, had all Hollywood producers, lives in Hollywood and has a Hollywood distributor. Yep, that’s about as outside of Hollywood as you can get.
“I just don't think it'll happen. I would take any bets against that happening. “
Hey Tucker, here’s a bet for you. In a year after release, if your film doesn’t make back it’s budget, then you quit the internet, or at least this bloated self important douchebag character you believe people think is cool?
And if I lose, I’ll do the same. Bet?
Oh wait, you’re shit when it comes to paying back your loses, just ask Mr. X.
“No fucking way the Academy is going to nominate two random guys who made an indie movie and aren't even in the WGA. No way.”
Really Tucker? It certainly worked for Billy Bob Thorton. And wait, I thought you were HUGE!?
“I don't expect any recognition of my work--book, website, movie, whatever--ever from any mainstream organization of any sort.”
Except when I lie about it.
“At least not for a long time. But that's OK--as long as fans love it, I am happy.”
Unless they question any of his stories, then it’s “Fuck you, BANNED!”
“EDIT 4: I guess Bunny was actually the first to tell me that our script would get Oscar attention. But she is kooky and usually way far ahead of her time, so I never pay attention to her predictions.”
Yes, Bunny, the same person who is now taking a cock up her ass while she is in rehab. The crazy girl who has his back even though Tucker made her even more of a loon then she was when he met her. The one whose predictions and ramblings about Tucker’s movie are even less coherent and lucid then a retard who found a straight razor at a child care service.The one who probably won’t live to see 40. She is the stamp of approval for Tucker Max.
By the way Bunny, how’s that book deal coming along? You pay back the 100 dollar advance yet?
Fini
“Now, every person who works in movie sales is, well...to put it politely, a salesman. “
Tucker, I do realize that 99% of your board are borderline retarded, but I’m pretty sure they could draw that conclusion. Except for Jon Tando, but who cares, hasn’t he outlived his uselessness?
AHahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
Please, somebody, anybody with a blog, you need to repost the Deconstructionator's posts. They are the best thing to happen here.
Deconstructionator, do you mind?
Nooooooooo the "nice try, Mcbeefsmoker" chain is broken
A CURSE UPON YOUR HEAD, QUICKPOSTER
Please, somebody, anybody with a blog, you need to repost the Deconstructionator's posts. They are the best thing to happen here.
Deconstructionator, do you mind?
-----------------
I formatted and posted the last one at www.fuckermax.blogspot.com
But I don't want to steal his thunder. He should start his own blog and spread his goodness over there.
Brilliant, Deconstructed!
Please keep the good work up.
This is the Deconstructor,
By all means, post away on your blog. I have no problem with it whatsoever so long as you don't take credit for my work. Otherwise you have my permission to post any and all of my posts.
Betcha fitty bux when this movie tanks Tucker blames it on the economic crisis.
FIIIIITTY BUX.
Tucker, when you say "Charlie Hoehn" are you talking about THEE Charlie Hoehn?
In 30 days The Hangover has pulled in $265,697,000.
"Anything The Hangover can do at the box office, we can beat. Easily." direct quote from Tucker Max and Nils Parker
Crossbows?! They have crossbows?! A BOLT STRIKES YOU THROUGH YOUR EYES AND LUNGS AND STOMACH!
I received an advance copy of Assholes finish First. Basically, Tucker travels the world to engage in sex with various handicapped people. This looks like the best store:
The Leper Story
We all have dreams. Mike Schmidt dreamed of becoming a professional baseball player. Jan Brady dreamed of a secret boyfriend. George Glass. Ever since I saw Ben Hur as a child, I dreamt of fucking a leper. One weekend in July of 2009, I finally achieved my dream. It went down like this:
I was at the bar drinking an Old Milwaukee when I got this text message from my buddy J-Bone. I call him J-Bone because he’s African American and is missing a key bone in his ankle, which makes him very fast. I also like hanging out with him with a much larger group of rich white spoiled kids like me, because I almost feel like I am living in a beer commercial. I have a Pakistani buddy for the same reason that we call Hadi, like his is a crazy Jihadist or something. J-Bone likes to play with my emotions, and my balls, so I never take his text messages seriously:
5:51pm J-Bone: There is a leper colony in the Philippines and Jet Blue is offering cheap fares to Manila. I am here with your buddy from law school Ass Chaff, and his pimply faced girlfriend with the bad eczema is here too.
5:52pm Tucker: Fuck you
5:53pm J-Bone I’m dead serious
5:54pm Tucker: I hate you
5:56pm J-Bone : Ass Chaff has a free roundtrip ticket
6:00pm Tucker: STOP TEASING
He called me a few minutes later, when I was at home, wiping off the puss from a scary looking rectal sore and about to cook dinner.
J-Bone "Did you get my message? I am in Manila and there is a leper colony nearby.”
Tucker "I got your fucking message. Come on man, stop playing."
J-Bone "Tucker, I am DEAD serious. They are everywhere. It's like Jesus came back and they are just lingering around the colony’s lobby waiting for a cure. I swear on my life there are hundreds of lepers here."
[10 second pause]
Tucker "I am on the next flight."
It took me about 40 seconds to throw clothes into a duffle bag. Another 20 seconds to sprint out the door and was in a cab to LAX within two minutes of getting the call. The TV and lights were still on in my apartment, I'd left the Lean Cuisine I had in the microwave that I going to eat for dinner (my man boobs are getting huge), and I was still covered in anal sore ointment. .
None of that mattered; I was finally going to fuck a Leper.
In the cab, I was so excited I could barely breathe. I called all my best friends, screaming incoherent babbles about sex with Lepers. The call to T-Bag (from a deleted story talking about some prank we pulled on a bunkmate which is only published in a new version of I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell) the movie version.
T-Bag "What is wrong with you? Why not just get a Leper hooker and be done with it?"
Tucker "FUCK THAT. Just because you buy Mike Tyson’s jock strap off Ebay doesn't mean that you were World Champion, or a convicted rapist. Some things you can only claim if you have earned them. LEPER PUSSY, HERE I COME!!"
I was more excited about this than I was when my book hit the New York Times best seller list and my movie hit the discount bin of the Circle K in my hometown in Kentucky. I felt like a six year old on the night before Christmas.
At the airport and in line for my ticket, I am forced to fly Virgin Atlantic because they are the only airline that cares enough about Manila . A very nice, very Midwestern couple is in front of me. The man's shirt has a picture of cheese on it.
Tucker "You guys going to Manila?"
Guy "Yes sir, heading there to do missionary work."
Tucker "Did you know there are Lepers in the Philippines?"
The man and his wife are silent and confused and look at me like I am some sort of leper.
Tucker "HUNDREDS OF THEM!"
They turn around and mumble something about crazy New Yorkers who moved to LA after living in Miami for a while and going to school in Chicago and North Carolina. Whatever, they've never fucked a Leper, they don't matter.
Leper Story Part 2
The flight was nearly intolerable; my mind was spinning with questions. How do you pick up a Leper? Are you allowed to physically pick them up, or will their body parts just fall off in your hand? What is the etiquette for dealing with a Lepert? When you hug them, can you hold them tight like a teddy bear, and rub their sores real hard? Do they get pissed if you set your drink on top of one of their stumps? No one really talks about this.
What about their day to day lives? How do they get luggage in the overhead bin when they fly if their hands are covered in necrotic tissue? Do they get to live in those cool pits like they showed in Ben Hur? What if a leper punches me in the nuts? Since their arms are covered with sores, how do they wipe? Or masturbate? Even more to the point, what do their pussies feel like? Are they covered with gangrenous tissue? If they have no legs, can they give me head without kneeling? When she's riding me, can I spin her like a top, or will her head separate from her body?
I was in Manila by 10pm. My buddy J-Bone picked me up, it was then I dropped my first racially insensitive joke.
Tucker: Did you bring your skis?
J-Bone: Tucker, are you crazy, we are in the Phillipines and it is 110 degrees in the shade.
Tucker: Notice all these Asian girls?
J-Bone: Sure, but what does that have to do with skiing?
Tucker: After I fuck a leper, we have to go down on some of these slopes.
We were at the Hilton hotel bar by 11pm. I almost hyperventilated upon seeing my first gaggle of lepers There were six of them, sitting at a table drinking just like normal people, their bodies wrapped in grey burlap sacks, necrotic pussing limbs dangling like a toddler's. Their Miller Lite bottles looked massive as they gripped them with both of their misshapen stumps. Their humongous sores and scars were raised in excitement as they laughed at a tiny little joke.
Tucker "You know CPR right? I think my heart might explode."
J-Bone "You are so fucking weird."
Leper Story-Part 3.
Then I saw her: My Leper Princess. Her dark black hair and misshapen cataract ridden eyes made me think of Lucy Liu if she had leprosy. Her missing neck and bowlegs gave me an idea what Lucy would look like if placed in a vise and squished to one-quarter size. As her pigeon-toed feet carried her past my table, I slid down in my chair, hoping to catch her eye. She looked at me and smiled, her mashed-up teeth sparkling in the oily light of the popcorn machine. I gave her an unmistakable "I want to fuck you" look, she shot me back a quick "My spine hurts" face, and I was smitten.
I start planning out how I am going to hit on her, but much to my dismay I find myself feeling something I haven't felt in years: Nervousness. What the fuck? I literally can't even remember the last time I was nervous around a girl. Is this what it's like to be a normal guy? This sucks. Every time I tried to talk to one of the lepers I would start giggling and sweating; it was fucking ridiculous and comical at the same time. I felt like a middle schooler who'd snuck into his sister's college party. Eventually, J-Bone --who thinks he's better than me because he isn't obsessed with fucking a leper--had to take over.
I think the lepers took a liking to J-Bone because he suffers from Vitilago, like the white spots on Michael Jackson, and he looks exactly like the Ed Norton character from City of God movie only he is not white and wasn’t wearing a metal mask. Within minutes we were sitting with the lepers. My Leper Princess was at the table, and even though I'd only had like five beers, the room was spinning around her. I would talk, but I couldn't hear the words coming out of my mouth. She would answer back, and it sounded like a chorus of tiny little angels. Is this what love is like? If so, I might have to try it. Then it happened:
J-Bone" So, I am afraid to really talk to you too much? Maybe we should dance or something? Any cool parties?"
Leper Tranny "Oh dude, you should come with us upstairs. It's the last night of the Leper convention, there is a big dance on the 5th floor. Why are you afraid to talk to us"
Tucker "Because you are missing one of your ears and I don’t think J-Bone wants to talk the other one off. But don't play with my emotions. If you are lying about this party, I don't think I could handle it."
Leper Tranny[looking at me like I am some sort of weirdo] "No dude. It should be fun. Everyone is up there."
Do you know what it takes to make me speechless? For fucks sake, I had a girl tattoo "I Fucked Tucker Max" over her pussy. You could say that my sense of "Wow" is a bit numb. Knowing that, I ask you to put yourself in this situation and see what your reaction would be:
Go to a hotel. Hit the button for the elevator. Take note of the step stool below the button panel, with the note above it, "Please do not plastic sheet placed to catch falling body parts." Ride the elevator up to the fifth floor. Walk out into the hallway, and do a double take at the FLEET of Rascal scooters in the ballroom lobby (Rascals are those red motorized scooters that you always see old people on in the grocery store). You might first think you stumbled into a geriatric convention, but you study the people on the Rascals, and realize something: None of their feet are touching the base. They are all lepers! LEPERS ON RASCALS!!!
Reeling from this discovery, you head into the ballroom and see approximately FOUR HUNDRED LEPERS !!! ALL OF THEM ARE DANCING TO BABY HUEY!!! AND THEY ARE POPPING AND LOCKING!
I REPEAT: HUNDREDS OF LEPERS ARE POPPING AND LOCKING!!!
What would you do? WHAT WOULD YOU DO???
I know what I did.
I got a massive erection.
"I was in Manila by 10pm. My buddy J-Bone picked me up, it was then I dropped my first racially insensitive joke.
Tucker: Did you bring your skis?
J-Bone: Tucker, are you crazy, we are in the Phillipines and it is 110 degrees in the shade.
Tucker: Notice all these Asian girls?
J-Bone: Sure, but what does that have to do with skiing?
Tucker: After I fuck a leper, we have to go down on some of these slopes."
Keep going. Great work!
The Ohio State Speech (Deconstructed)
In this episode we plummet the depths and find the real story of Tucker Max (note: this is very long, but it's definitely worth it)
“If you're here today, I assume you know who I am and what I do.”
Yes, you’re Tucker Max, a lying fraud who wrote a book of bullshit.
“But for that ONE asshole in the crowd who got dragged along with his friends doesn't know who I am, “
Wait, I thought Tucker was an asshole, and when he says it, it’s a badge of honor, but when anybody else is an asshole, they’re an asshole in the traditional sense.
Dammit, I’m so confused.
“I'll give a brief intro:”
“Brief” meaning “long winded”.
“My name is Tucker Max”
and I’m an alcoholic. Wait, wrong room.
“and I wrote a book called I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell. It details a series of short stories I wrote about drinking and fucking and being a typical guy in his mid-twenties.”
And if you’re in your 20’s, you’ll think it’s hysterical, but if you’re in your 30’s, you’ll realize how full of shit and intellectually dishonest Tucker really is.
“It's sold over 800k copies and spent over 105 weeks on the New York Times Best Seller List “
Actually it’s 545K in copies, and he’s only making 59 cents per copy sold and it’s not on “THE LIST” but on the Supplemental List, right next to Chicken Soup For The Soul. Don’t let little things like FACTS get in the way of a good story.
(for the Comm majors: that's more than two years).
Hahahahahaha, Tucker, you never lost your touch.
“It's #4 this week, actually. “
Right behind the new edition of the Dungeons Masters Guide, but ahead of the new Player’s Manual.
“The Times also credited me with starting a new literary genre called "Fratire."
The Times also never mentioned “Fratire” again, and neither has the MSM or anybody else besides Tucker (who disavowed the word Fratire because he couldn’t get into a frat, but why bother with FACTS when they get in the way.
Also, the other two guys who were mentioned in the NYTimes story, Maddox and the Ninja Guy have moved on to better things and probably grew as writers, but Tucker will be talking about “Fratire” until your kids are old enough to read it. Basically, Tucker will be making speeches like this in Branson Missouri in the not to distant future, opening for Tony Orlando.
“The followup book was sold for what was then record setting advance. “
Of course the publisher rejected that manuscript in 2007 and wants to begin to recoup that record setting advance soon, but fuck them, they’re BANNED!!
“The Washington Post said it was the only book that every college student has read.”
Which is funny since there are only 545,000 copies sold, yet about 5 million college students, but okay, what’s math when you’re as important as Tucker Max.
It has become so popular I was just nominated to Time Magazine's 100 Most Influential People of 2009.
Also nominated: Sarah Palin and the guy with the goofy haircut who runs Korea. Also, where is this list published? It’s not? Oh, go on then…
Part II:
“I also just finished shooting a movie based on the book which will come out this fall, probably September or October.”
You’ll hear more about it when the Razzies gives out nominations.
“That's the story you know, the Tucker Max the public sees.”
The story that you don’t know is that Tucker Max is a thin skinned bully and scared little boy with massive “daddy issues” who was basically blackballed by Hollywood for being a douchebag.
“And based off that, if I give a speech, you probably expect me to tell funny stories like the ones in the book, because that's what Tucker Max does, right?”
Tucker Max, playing the same riff since 2005.
“Well, yeah, actually it is.”
Duh.
“I mean, shit man, I've fucked a midget, and amputee and a set of twins, raise your hand if you've ever done that!”
Shit man, you never fucked the midget, so put that hand down Tucker Max, at least 1/3rd of the way.
You know when you think about it, Tucker Max is basically just a pornographic carnival geek. Pay 5 dollars and watch as Tucker sticks his dick into virtually anything. A cripple, a blind girl, a post op transsexual, TheBunny.
“There's no question that when I am out drinking with my friends and have fun, that's me, and that's who I am, and those stories are what are in the book.”
That’s the funny thing Tucker, there’s a LOT of questions, but I’ll totally take the word of people who rely on you for an income.
“BUT---That's not what this speech is about.”
I sense the word “art” coming down the pike.
“You can read all about my adventures on your own time. This speech is about the book, but instead of being about the stories, it's about the lesson I think you should take from I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell.”
That you can lie and embellish while flowing just low enough on the radar that nobody gives a shit to disprove your easily disprovable stories.
Like if you’re going to make up stories, get somebody who needs to rely on you, so they’ll say they’re all true even though they know they are not.
“Now, if you just superficially read the book, probably all you focus on is the drinking and fucking and poop jokes, and while those are there, they are only the first level of meaning. “
Tucker believes there’s meaning in poop. I believe he’s correct. If you string out a load shit long enough you might be able to make out “words” that when put together make “sentences” then “paragraphs”, then perhaps a book deal. That’s the real meaning.
“There's more to the book than that. Below all of that is my answer to the fundamental question--What are you going to with your life? Ultimately, THAT is what I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell is about:”
And what is Tucker doing with his life? Living in a shitty part of LA with roommates, none of whom make over 30K a year, emotional cripples all.
“It's about living the life that you want to live, not the life others push onto you.”
Like Tucker WANTS to live the life he writes about, so do most 15 year olds.
“It's about being the person you want to be, not the person other people want you to be,”
See above.
“and it's about enoying the time you have. I convey this message not by preaching it to you, but by showing you how I do it.”
Or at least how the cartoon character of Tucker Max does it. The real Tucker sits around his computer for 12-20 hours a day drinking cheap beer while his puppies lick his taint while he pretends they sent him another date application.
Good puppies, gooooood puppies. Now lick that up Murph.
“I know what you may be thinking, and I actually kinda agree with you:”
You agree that I’m thinking you’re a liar? Holy shit, another Festivus miracle!!
Part III:
“This is not obvious in my reading.”
The only things that are obvious is that you’ve lucked into this “career” and that none of the themes you are talking about right now were what you had in mind when you wrote your book.
“All I read was some guy throwing a girls clothes out the window b/c she was so fat he didn't want his friends to see her. And that's true, that's all there, but there's more to the book than that.”
Way more to it, like the lawsuit she slapped on me for doing this to her (Thanks Daddy Max for bailing me out again).
“So what I'm going to do is give you some back story to my life and explain the path that led me to write this book, because to understand where I came from is to understand the message of the book:”
Tucker was born a poor black child…
“As a kid, I had an early knack for humor and writing. There was one elementary school teacher in particular who identified it and tried to foster it in me.”
He also fostered his penis “in me”, that’s where I really got the catchphrase: “Did you just shit on my dick?”
Tucker, just wondering, would this elementary school teach happened to be named “Fat Asian Girl”, or “Mark” the guy from the Hockey Story?
“I also had another teacher in high school who kinda helped me see that I had a talent for writing and told me to pursue it,”
That teacher should lose his liscense to influence children and young adults.
“but I grew up in Kentucky. “
This explains A LOT.
No one growing up in Kentucky writes or does entertainment for a living. “
Here’s a small list of entertainers from Kentucky: Ned Beatty, George Clooney, Rebecca Gayheart, Maggie Lawson, Harry Dean Stanton, Jeri Ryan, Rob Riggle, but fuck them, none of them have the 25000 most popular website on the net.
“Everyone else around me pushed me to a different path.”
Most of them had fathers who answered their phone calls too.
“Growing up, the expectations around me where that I would be a doctor or a lawyer or a businessman or something that is a typical and easy to understand success like that.”
Instead I chose a path where I’m considered a “success” even though I live in a shitty part of Los Angeles and live with roommates, all at the age of 34.
“So I listened to the people around me and went to hardest academic school I could find to best prepare me for a conventional job: The University of Chicago.”
For a degree in the easiest major at this hardest academic school that Tucker’s father’s money could buy me into.
“But a funny thing happened as I studied to get that conventional job: I kept writing on my own time. Never because I thought it would go anywhere, but because I loved it.”
Of course Tucker doesn’t have any of that writing anymore since somebody puked on it during an earlier Tucker Max story.
“My freshman year, I started a quote list because one day after I said something really funny at the dinner table, I thought "someone should write that down," so I did it. I started to think about things I said, and began to try to deliver the best line I could in any situation, so I could have something funny to put on my list.”
Tucker continues this practice to this day, writing stuff down that other people say and then pretending like he said it. He’s got a list of people he’s done this to over the years.
Part V:
“But, despite the fact that I couldn't stand the actual school, I really liked my time there because of my friends. I finally had friends who were not only as smart as me, they partied harder than me, and were funnier than me. If you've read my stories, you know them by their nicknames; SlingBlade, PWJ, Jojo, GoldenBoy, Hate, etc.”
Was Spanky, Alfalfa, Buckwheat and Froggy already taken?
Most of them don’t even answer my phone calls anymore and were going to sue me if I didn’t make up nicknames for them.
“Amazing friends, no real responsibilities, and lots of alcohol and women around. A lot of the stories from my book are from this time in my life, because I was living a life that l loved--doing things I enjoyed and being with people I liked, and it showed.”
Tucker, could you please list their real names, because if I ever EVER need an attorney I want to know who not to call.
“Maybe because of this, because I wasn't doing anything besides being the person I'd always wanted to be, writing came back to me with a strength it hadn't in a long time.”
Because I really had nothing to do.
During finals second year, SlingBlade and I were punch drunk in the library after being up all night procrastinating instead of studying”
Hey Mr. Writer, “Punch Drunk” is what happens when you take too many punches to the head. You being an author should have figured that out.
“and on a whim I made up a website where girls could fill out an application to date me.”
Wait Tucker, you missed the part of your life where your father basically never called you and rarely kept in touch save for a letter to your mother with a check for child support and a note that said “HERE BITCH, NOW LEAVE ME ALONE, I HAVE HOOKERS TO FUCK!!!”
“Even though it started a joke,”
that joke has extended to my literary career.
“I found myself devoting all my time to it. In one month, I put more work into that crappy little site than I did in all my actual studies over all three years of law school.”
Which is sad, because you’re such a shitty writer.
“Here's the real kicker: Because I thought it didn't matter, because I was totally unencumbered by any expectations--because I was free to fail--I let loose on that thing, and my creative energy came forth in way it hadn't since I was a child.”
Since he was a child with imaginary friends, like Mark the Hockey Story guy, or any number of my props… er… characters.
“It turned out to be truly, genuinely fucking funny.”
Especially when you consider the low quality of women who actually wrote me.
“Yet despite all this work, despite how happy I was working on site, it never occurred to me that this was a sign of something.”
A sign of delusion.
“I was so blind that a few months later, when we went to our summer jobs in cities all across the country, I took the site down and basically forgot about it. The thing that had brought out the best in me, I ignored. I was completely blind to myself.”
You still are blind to yourself Tucker, unfortunately for you the rest of the world is not.
“But I did keep up with my writing by sending hilarious emails to my friends about all the dumb shit I would do when I was out drinking.”
These are stories that are almost completely unverifiable because my rogue gallery of friends weren’t there to say it happened, but fuck you BANNED!!
“If you've read my book, you read one of those emails I sent to my friends. It's in the Charity Auction Debacle Story, the one where I talk about the senior female partner who propositioned me and I turned her down--pretty much the only sex I've ever turned down in my life. You know what comes next...”
I almost want to contact the two women involved in this “true” story to confirm his version of the story, since the bloke who he speaks about seems to be another “Mark”. It’s fairly easy if you just go to the firm’s website and do the checking.
Somebody else, take over the leg work for a while, I'm tired of disproving his stories, it's just too easy and I feel like a bully.
Part VI:
I was fired from the summer associate job. What was supposed to basically be an extended summer vacation, essentially a no-show job that you can't get fired from...I got fired from.
Its almost as ironic as “100% true stories” that aren’t even 50% true.
“Three weeks into my legal career, it was over.”
Four years into your literary career, it was over.
“Looking back on it now, it was the best thing that ever happened to me. If they hadn't fired me, I don't think I ever would have had the courage to quit being a lawyer, to give up that six figure job and pursue my dreams on my own.”
Now, Tucker is living the dream. He lives in a shitty apartment with some of his unpaid interns. He has dogshit on his floor and nobody in his current industry has any respect for him.
Heaven. Truly.
“But at the time, I was completely devastated. My world was crushed.”
Much like how his life is crushed when somebody outwardly exposes him as a fraud and a liar. My favorite thing about Tucker is his “why won’t they believe me” face that he showed on the O&A show. That was the face of defeat.
“Thankfully I did have a back-up plan: “
Daddy’s money?
“I could go work for my father.”
Told ya.
“Since I had trained my whole life for either law or business, if I can't do law, I'll just do business, right?”
Why not Tucker, you were a total success as a lawyer (which you trained your whole life for, even though when it came to the actual training, you went to Cancun).
“My dad owns a successful restaurant company in South Florida,”
Well, the operative word here is “OWNED” since his stepmother Patty ended up taking Tucker’s dad to the cleaners in the divorce (which included his restaurants) after he got caught with a hooker. Tucker’s dad then also lost his major investor shortly afterward and walked away with one restaurant in his entire empire. Yes, he now owns Max’s Grille in Boca, which is sort of popular if you like his pedestrian menu from 1983 (Wow, Max’s Chicken Wings!!! Baked Mac-n-Cheese?!?! EARLY BIRD SPECIALS!?!?! This place is the epitome of fine dining!!). It’s basically an upscale Applebees, but hey it made him enough money to pay to get Tucker into Duke, U of Chicago and prep school, so maybe it’s good. I don’t know, I’m not a 50 year old divorcee’ in Boca, so I’d never be seen dead in there.
“and I had a great idea for how to expand the concept and take it national,”
Let me guess? Bus tour?
“At first, the challenge of the business and the thrill of something new invigorated me.”
The thrill of something new being actually being in the same room as his father.
“My dad has a great restaurant concept”
Like I said, upscale Applebees that has an early bird special. Great in the part of Florida where old people live, horrible in places like Miami where you actually have to have a great restaurant concept.
“and we had a fantastic plan to expand it, but there was so much wrong with the way it was run,”
I’m sensing a theme, aren’t you? Much like how Tucker is approaching Hollywood is exactly how he’s approached other things (that failed) in the past.
Read on:
“I had all kinds of problems to solve first.
The biggest were the employees. I wanted to fire most of the people who worked for my dad because they were either incompetent suck-ups or brazen thieves.”
No offense Tucker, most all of the people you’ve surrounded yourself with at Rudius are incompetent suck-ups.
Part VII:
“I thought that because I was right and my name was on the door, my dad would back me. I was still young enough to think that being right was what mattered. You guys are probably still young enough to think that, but you'll learn your lesson. Long story short, the employees were better at office politics than I was, and my dad ended up backing them.”
Okay Tucker, I’m sure office politics have everything to do with it, or maybe you walked in, big mouth blazing, fucking skanks when you’re supposed to be working (his story, not mine), thinking you know how to do things better than anybody else, most of whom have a lot of experience working in an industry you have just entered.
How did it work out for you?
“I got fired. By my own father. “
REJECTED AGAIN BY DENNIS MAX!!! Do you think Mr. Dennis Max gave the Dikembe Mutumbo finger wave after he rejected his estranged son Tucker again? Maybe not, but I think it would be funny. You know what also would be funny, if Dennis Max said: “FUCK YOU, BANNED!!!” as the doors to Max’s Grille closed behind Tucker for the final time.
“Seriously, go to Mizner Park in Boca Raton, Florida. There is a restaurant called Max's Grill. My dad is in there 5 nights a week, you can ask him about it.”
Tucker, to paraphrase Chevy Chase in Caddyshack: “Your father never liked you.”
“Now that I'm such a success, he may hem and haw and make excuses, but make no mistake about it:
My own father fired me. So there I was. 26 years old. Alone. Living in shitty Boca Raton, Florida. Fucking girls I couldn't stand, like Miss Vermont. Fired from the entire legal profession. Fired from the family business by my own father. I had failed miserably at the only two things I had trained for in my life.”
And a third thing you sort of lucked into.
“Kicked out of the system I had bought into.”
Tucker, you didn’t buy into dick. You straight up said that you were lazy. You went to law school and then didn’t actually go. What happened was your laziness caught up to you. You can deceive people in a vacuum, but in the real world, your schtick doesn’t work. It makes you come off like a douchebag, which is why the life you’re living is the only thing you can do.
“The funny thing is, I was still writing, and not having a job let me read a lot and work on my writing, but I was so brainwashed, it STILL didn't occur to me that I could just be who I wanted to be and write full time.”
It still hasn’t occurred to most people that you can either.
“It was actually in this period that I wrote the Sushi Pants Story”
You mean “The Famous Sushi Pants Story”!!?!?! You mean the same story that’s been debunked by a real reporter working for a real paper?!?
“it ends with me drunk, and I drive to my office and type that story to email to my friends. Whats really funny is that the format I use, the time stamp format, people have lauded me as being a genius for inventing that, but thats bullshit.”
It is bullshit Tucker, I know you pretend to be well read, but come on, Hunter Thompson was doing that device for years. By the way, do you know why people don’t consider you a real writer?
Because you call it a “format” instead of a “writer’s device”.
“You know why I wrote it like that? Because I was too drunk to write in complete sentences!”
Or write in complete truths.
Part VIII:
“Then, with my world as bleak as it had ever been, three things happened right in a row:
First, I read a book called AHBWOSG by Dave Eggers. At the time it was hailed as a comedic masterpiece, and Eggers was seen as the next big thing in literature. I read the book and thought, "What the fuck? I can do better than this." But instead of manning up and attempting to actually write a better book, I did what all envious people who abandon their dreams do when they see someone succeed where they are afriad of trying: I hated on him.”
I hate Dave Eggers too. Not because his book is overrated. Not because “Here We Go” might have been one of the worst films of this year (until yours comes out at least). But because it inspired you to write.
Then, my buddy PWJ called me one day, and had a long talk with me.
Cough… cough… phone sex… cough…
“He told me that the site was amazing, and that my stories are the funniest thing he'd ever read. That I could be a writer.”
I realize he’s a real guy, but PWJ sounds a lot like one of Tucker’s make believe email admirers.
“Hearing this from someone else, especially from a guy who I respected, meant something to me. Tucker Max as writer.”
Yep, Tucker’s totally fucking him. Listen to him talk about PWJ’s asshole, just read below.
“I wanted it, I considered it, but I still couldn't make the leap. I was still having trouble wrapping my head around the idea of taking the path less traveled. I had bought into the system so fully, and abandoned my passion for so long,”
I rest my case. Do not ever question my deconstructionist abilities.
“I no longer believed in it or in myself. It just didn't seem realistic that I could do it.”
In fact, the phrase “You can do it” was mine, but that fag Adam Sandler (who did not pick up his TV show) copied it and gave it to Rob Schneider.
“Then I read Fight Club. If there is any one singular event that I can point to that set me on the course to who and what I am today, it is reading Fight Club. It woke something primal and fundamental in me.”
That was until Tucker realized that the writer of Fight Club was gay, then saying things like “it awoke something primal in me” didn’t have the same ring to it.
Where’s the part where Tucker says he loves James Frey?
“I had seen the movie when I was in college, but until you have gone out into the world and worked a shitty job and thought to yourself, "Is this it? Is this why I went to school? For this?", you can't understand it.”
Yes, you went to school to slack off and blow your dad’s money, and then when you had to actually produce something, you gave up.
“But once I read the book after the real world kicked me in the teeth, it clicked. It gave voice to something inside me I had not been able to elucidate before:”
Somebody give him negative rep for using some faggy word like “elucidate”. Didn’t Tucker used to make fun of guys who used words like that?
“I had been sold a lie.”
And now Tucker is going to sell that lie back to the public in spades.
“Life was not about going to the right schools”
Really fuckface? Is that why you preface almost every statement by saying where you went to school at? I find it funny that you get angry with people for being pretentious. How long will it be until we hear this from Tucker:
‘That was the most pretentious thing I’ve ever heard, and I should know, I went to Duke Law’
Part IX:
“and getting the right jobs just so I work a job I hate in order to accumulate more crap I don't want or need.”
Thanks for the plagerization, come back soon.
“That's not how life was meant to be lived.”
Of course he also drops that he made 350K (unconfirmed) on his book.
“There is another way. I can be the man I want to be, I can do the things I want to do and I can live the life I want to live...I just have to stop believing the lies I have been sold”
And start selling your own lies.
“and stop caring what all those people think who don't matter, and find the courage to go out and do it.”
I admire Tucker, it took courage to call some make believe characters a bunch of unflattering names.
“The only thing stopping me...is ultimately me.”
B-I-N-G-O.
“One month later, I went to a wedding in Chicago. I stayed with a buddy of mine who had just bought a two bedroom condo, and one of the bedrooms empty. I made a joke about wishing I lived with him, he replied "Sure, you can live here, why not?"”
Douchebaggery ensues.
“I never went back to Florida. The funniest part is that he was totally not serious about the offer--who the fuck would want to live with me?”
You have a trail of roommates you’ve screwed over from Chicago to Flat Iron to Los Angeles to Shreveport who are all asking that question.
“Disaster--empty beer cans, emotionally broken, funny walking sluts trapsing through the apartment at all hours, strange odors coming from unknown places--who wants to live with that? I don't even want to live with myself.”
Tucker Max just entered my dead pool.
“On the morning of August 4th, 2002, I sat down at a blank computer screen and started working. It wasn't even my computer--I had to get my roommate to let me borrow his. I had no money, nothing of value to my name, and no real plan at all. But I wanted to fucking write, so I just started writing.”
So Tucker wrote and wrote and wrote, but when he realized his stories weren’t that interesting, he decided to do things a different way, his way, or at least the James Frey way…
“A month later, on September 9th, 2002, the site went live. I was 26 years old, and for the first time in my life, I was being the man I wanted to be and living the life I wanted to live. I didn't know how I was going to do it...but, I was going to either find a way, or make one.”
You mean “make one up”.
“The rest is pretty much history. I put up the site, then the book, then the movie, and now I am "Tucker Max."
aka: Biggest Douche In The Universe.
“So--what the fuck does this have to do with the book? Well, the book is about this journey. It is a written record of me living my life the way I want to live it.”
Or a written record of Tucker living his life the way he envisions himself living it.
“Yes, I write about having sex, and about getting drunk, and about busting on people and about being an asshole sometimes, and about all that shit.”
Tucker, that’s ALL YOU WRITE ABOUT. Your book was written with no themes, and any themes people find are BY ACCIDENT. You’re just not that good of a writer. Your stories, while funny are paper thin and I would bet my life that you had no idea what themes you were writing about when you wrote them.
You don’t even know the difference between “literary device” and “format”.
“All of that surface stuff that people focus on so much is all there, but it's not really the soul of the book.”
Yes, somewhere between you bullying some weaker (and fictional) kids, and when you said “did you shit on my dick”, I found a kind and deep soul.
“Here's the best way to understand that: Go read all the copycat blogs and books out there. There are so many people who have tried to imitate me, and every single one has failed miserably.”
Really Tucker, name one? Nobody imitates you except maybe some 15 year old kid who plagerizes one of your stories and puts them up on his MySpace page. There is not one single author out there who has copied your style and I double dare you to find one.
Part X:
“Here's the best way to understand that: Go read all the copycat blogs and books out there. There are so many people who have tried to imitate me, and every single one has failed miserably.”
Really Tucker, name one? Nobody imitates you except maybe some 15 year old kid who plagerizes one of your stories and puts them up on his MySpace page. There is not one single author out there who has copied your style and I double dare you to find one.
If anything, you’ve copied Maddox, except Maddox is writng in character whereas you believe you ARE THAT CHARACTER.
There’s a reason why George no longer speaks to you. You’re the type of guy who he used to mock in a long winded, yet well thought out post that had more readers in one day then you’d have in a week.
And you know it’s fucking true.
““Why? Because they think the stories are only about drinking or fucking or acting stupid,”
Which is the crux of your whole fucking book.
“and since they think they do the same things I do, they can write about it the same way. But they can't, because the stories are not about all that shit--they're about one man's expression of love for his life.”
Dude, seriously, you’re an embarrassment to 1) your family, 2) your higher learning establishments, 3) the profession you lucked into.
“The specific things I do are just my individual way of expressing myself, but the book is ultimately about having fun, defining your own life, and ultimately, being the person you want to be, and THAT is what you should take from it, because THAT is what I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell is about.”
Yes, because you should all define your life around Tucker Max, a guy who has blown it at every turn, and whose limited success has been met by infinite failure in every facet of his life.
“Now look: I am not going to stand here and lie to you and tell you that I was thinking about all of this when I started writing the emails to my friends that became the stories in the book.”
Really asshole, maybe you should have put this disclaimer UP AT THE FRONT OF YOUR SPEECH.
“That's not only fucking ridiculous, it's patently false. The stories in the book started as nothing more than what they are: My attempt to write something that would entertain me and my friends.”
Speaking of fucking ridiculous and patently false, how about we look at your next statement.
“
“But that's the point--I wasn't trying to be anything or do anything aside from the simple things that made me happy, and writing those stories made me happy. I was never trying to invent a new genre or write a massive best seller or create a huge brand or get named one of the most influential people in America.”
Tucker, congratulations, you are officially the biggest douchebag in America with that statement.
“But guess what? A funny thing happens when you cast off all the bullshit everyone dumps on you, and just live for yourself and follow your dreams: What it takes to get you there shows up in the finished product. When you love what you do, it shows, and people respond.”
Tucker Max, thin skinned bully until the end.
“_Now, before I finish, I want to call some of you out. I can tell some of you are getting this, and that's awesome, I hope this does resonate with you and start you on the right path.”
Please, take the path Tucker Max has paved, look what it did for guys on his board like Jon Tando. You probably can hear his cries of “MOM, I’M REINVENTING A NEW GENRE WITH TUCKER MAX, I’LL TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE NEXT WEEK!!!!!” if you listen hard enough.
“But I know, I FUCKING KNOW, that some of you are sitting there, all skeptical, thinking to yourself "Whatever, this is just some bullshit inspirational speech he is making because he's getting paid. I am different; this doesn't apply to me."”
No, they’re just thinking “this is bullshit”, you just added the rest to make yourself feel better.
“SHUT THE FUCK UP.”
Please Tucker, take your own advice.
“I am not some old fart blathering on about pie in the sky bullshit. You and I are almost the same.”
Yes, I’m sure any frat boy thinks the same thing, guys like Frank Cirillo think he’s just about the same as you. Who is Frank Cirillo:
http://www.truecrimereport.com/2008/09/tucker_max_fan_accused_of_rape.php
You’re truly a role model Tucker Max.
“Ten years ago, I sat exactly where you are sitting, did the same shit you are doing now, and since that time, I have drank more beer, banged more girls and kicked more ass than all of you chewed bubble gum lackwit pussies put together!”
So basically saying that nobody here can relate to you? Like you want people to be like you, even though they lack the capacity to be like you. This of course leads to guys like Frank Cirillo.
Rinse, Spin, Repeat.
“So don't fucking try and say this shit doesn't apply to you--that's exactly why you love my writing, because you CAN relate to it.”
No dude, people ASPIRE to fuck a lot, they aspire to be able to drink. However, not everybody is intellectually dishonest as you are, therefore you are an outlier to the norm, not the norm.
“I started where you are now, and I AM who you could be, if you have to courage.”
Yes, it takes courage for a homosexual to fuck so many women, but Tucker is doing it for the fans.
“Shit, I DID HEAR THIS SPEECH at 21 from some dope-smoking peacenik, and I told that fucking hippy minstrel to go back to his weed smoking and hating the World Bank and leave the real work to us.”
I’m sure you said that very line Tucker.
“AND I WAS FUCKING WRONG. It took me another five years just to realize I wasn't living the life I wanted.”
And it took all of three years for everybody to realize that you’re a fraud and a liar.
“And don't you fucking dare get up in the Q&A and say some stupid shit like, "Yeah, that's all well and good, but you didn't tell me HOW I am supposed to live my life for myself."”
Or what? You’re going to get Kung Fun Mike to lose another fight for you?
Part XII:
“Man, fuck you too. You think I had a map to get to where I am? I had no fucking idea--I was winging it the whole time. Shit, I had to INVENT A NEW LITERARY GENRE!!”
Hey Tucker where is that “Fratire” section on Amazon.com?
“There are no directions to life; you have to figure most of it out on your own. You want to live a life you love, you can't do it in a paint by numbers style--you make it either because you want to free your soul or you don't.
Make no mistake about it: What you do with your with your life is A CHOICE. You can be who you want to be, you just have to have the courage to go do it.”
Courage or a vivid imagination as well as a couple of friends who will lie to cover your ass.
“You don't hear this from your parents or your teachers or your friends, because they never tell you the other option. You know why? It's because they don't know it exists. “
You know, it’s funny, today I passed a young guy sitting on the street. He had a cardboard sign that was asking for money. He looked pretty beat, like he hadn’t slept in a while and had on old clothing. What struck me was that he was so young, but I also bet he was “living life on his own terms”.
Good luck with that Tucker fans.
“They tell you that to do what everyone one else is doing, they tell you that you have to get a safe job and be like all of them, BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT THEY DID.”
Or maybe they tried and had kids, and decided that the safe job made it easy to raise a stable and happy child. Maybe they weren’t selfish douchebags who have credit accounts at abortion clinics.
“But you don't have to do that. There is another way. You can make the choice to do what I did. You can't be Tucker Max, but you can recognize what you love, then find the courage to commit fully to it.”
Like perhaps what you love IS a stable job, a spouse, a family, but then you’re just a tool in the eyes of Tucker Max because he never had any of those things and hates anybody who does.
Holy shit I hope this ends soon.
“You can do it,”
Thank you Rob Schneider.
“but you have to choose to do it.”
Like Michael Jordan.
“I know it can be done, because I did it.
And if I can do it, so can you.”
Why would you want to follow this wreck of a human being is beyond works, but by all means, please do it.
“Besides, let me ask you something: What's the alternative? If you don't live the life you want, what life are you living?”
Probably a real life, not a fantasy that everybody knows is bullshit.
“_Thank you guys, you've been great.”
Fuck you Tucker, you're a hack and a fraud.
Deconstructor, that was possibly your best work yet. Thank you for gracing us with your talent.
Hey, Tucker, does it just suck to read this, wishing you could respond, but knowing that you can't, because doing so would be admitting that you're so self-involved and pathetic that you read this blog EVERY SINGLE DAY?
Pussy. Coward. Deconstructor is twice the man you are, and ten times the writer.
Hey, did you guys here? Tucker is making a movie based on his book of pick-up lines. It's going about how Tucker goes around saying pick up lines to girls and post-op trannies.
"You know when you think about it, Tucker Max is basically just a pornographic carnival geek. Pay 5 dollars and watch as Tucker sticks his dick into virtually anything. A cripple, a blind girl, a post op transsexual, TheBunny."
Hahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
"“I thought that because I was right and my name was on the door, my dad would back me. I was still young enough to think that being right was what mattered. You guys are probably still young enough to think that, but you'll learn your lesson. Long story short, the employees were better at office politics than I was, and my dad ended up backing them.”
Okay Tucker, I’m sure office politics have everything to do with it, or maybe you walked in, big mouth blazing, fucking skanks when you’re supposed to be working (his story, not mine), thinking you know how to do things better than anybody else, most of whom have a lot of experience working in an industry you have just entered.
How did it work out for you?
“I got fired. By my own father. “
REJECTED AGAIN BY DENNIS MAX!!! Do you think Mr. Dennis Max gave the Dikembe Mutumbo finger wave after he rejected his estranged son Tucker again? Maybe not, but I think it would be funny. You know what also would be funny, if Dennis Max said: “FUCK YOU, BANNED!!!” as the doors to Max’s Grille closed behind Tucker for the final time.
“Seriously, go to Mizner Park in Boca Raton, Florida. There is a restaurant called Max's Grill. My dad is in there 5 nights a week, you can ask him about it.”
Tucker, to paraphrase Chevy Chase in Caddyshack: “Your father never liked you.”
--------------------------------------
This is comedic genius. You need your own blog, or at least a blog willing to repost these gems.
Flame me all you want. As a fan of Tucker's book and his website I would be lying if I didnt' admit that I laughed out loud at your interpitation of the Ohio State speech. But why do you even care? The guy went to top schools and fuck'd a Miss Amercia contestant not to mention a midget. Who would lie about it and what does he have to gain? All I know is that I will plunk down my cash when his movie comes through my town.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ 7/06/2009 8:56 PM
Hey,
I'm going to answer your email,
"Flame me all you want."
Nah, I have no issue with you.
"As a fan of Tucker's book and his website"
Oh fuck, now I have to flame you.
"I would be lying if I didnt' admit that I laughed out loud at your interpitation of the Ohio State speech."
Oh snap! You like my work and Tucker's work? My head is about to explode like in Scanners.
Thank you btw.
"But why do you even care?"
I really don't care, I just think it's funny. That coupled by the fact that school is out for the summer means I have a lot of free time to do things I find funny.
"The guy went to top schools and fuck'd a Miss Amercia contestant not to mention a midget."
Granted on the first two, I have no doubts there. The midget story... not so much.
"Who would lie about it"
Why Tucker of course.
"and what does he have to gain?"
Listen to him give himself accolades some time. List what he says and you have your answer.
"All I know is that I will plunk down my cash when his movie comes through my town."
Cool dude, you go watch Puma Swede act for 30 bucks in stories you already know the outcome to, I'll just resubscribe for a year on Brazzers at 20 bucks (longtime subscriber) and watch her fuck.
Again, glad you like my work.
-TDG
Who would lie about it and what does he have to gain? All I know is that I will plunk down my cash when his movie comes through my town.
His lies = your plunked down cash. That's what he would gain. Being a minion really seems to clog up the cognitive thinking.
"REJECTED AGAIN BY DENNIS MAX!!! Do you think Mr. Dennis Max gave the Dikembe Mutumbo finger wave after he rejected his estranged son Tucker again? Maybe not, but I think it would be funny. You know what also would be funny, if Dennis Max said: “FUCK YOU, BANNED!!!” as the doors to Max’s Grille closed behind Tucker for the final time."
I just laughed so hard I pissed my couch. You suck TDG!!
"-Movie poster: We looked at all the proofs today, narrowed down what we wanted, and gave the design firm our notes. Should have something to post soon, and it'll be the one-sheet you see on most all of the ads and shit. It's going to look basically like the book cover. No reason to fuck with an iconic image."
Iconic?
HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
latest from Tucker:
After all the attention given to Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett’s death, I realized that both of them had times when their career was a lot like mine. Like me, Michael Jackson was a real innovator. I mean, . . . what I did with combining internet, books and film, . . . he did 20 years ago with music and video. Now he never had a NYT bestselling book, but you can’t deny that he was pretty successful doing what he did. Also, like Michael, I like to fool around with this whole military fascination. Michael liked to dress up in military looking uniforms, and I like to pretend that I was in the military sometimes and I associate with military guys to get attention and give myself a more manly image. And talk about midgets, . . . I have to give that to Michael since he was incorporating midgets into his act even before I had my dream of actually fucking a midget with what he did with the internet about 8 years ago. And give me enough time, a thirty-five year old man sleeping with fat college chicks will start to get just as creepy as Michael sleeping with little boys. Listening to Joe Jackson for awhile, it’s pretty clear that we both have some Daddy issues as well. But the point is, we both had a dream and bucked the whole studio and corporate obstacles to really be true to our art. Sure, Michael’s career hit a bit of a dead end lately and he doesn’t have a blockbuster movie coming out on a few Moose Lodge screens in a few weeks, . . . . but after this movie hits, I’m sure a few of the people involved will move to Dubai and start screening their faces as well. When I talked to Bob Gosse about joining us on the bus tour, he said something about “not being able to show his face” so I’m sure that he can relate to Michael as well.
Then there is Farrah. What do I have in common with Farah, you might ask? Well, clearly, we both liked buthseth, and hilarlity did not ensue for either of us. Farah contracted a deadly virus that eventually lead to anal cancer. But. I got crap on my tool, which made me sick. . . which is never cool. Plus, I had some poser shock jocks poke at me just because I didn’t save the tape. Nobody asked Farah for the tape. Nobody questioned whether she ever had butthseth. But that’s the whole point, you have to ignore the haterz. I’m sure that after Farah left Charlie’s Angels, she felt some of the same feelings I felt after I couldn’t keep a job at my dad’s restaurant for more than a week, and washed out of a law firm after a few weeks as well. But unlike Farah, . . . . and don’t give me that whole Cannonball Run crap, Dom Deluise made that movie not Farah, I had my best days after I left my dad’s place. Sure, he still supports me, but don’t think that Farah’s royalty payments after Angels went into syndication didn’t help her as well. But like me, Farah was also an innovator and pioneer. Before Farah, can you name one blonde bombshell who was a mediocre actress that captured the whole country’s attention?
EXACTLY. (And don’t say Marilyn Monroe because nobody remembered her after she died).
And that’s what I am trying to do with this movie. The same things that Farah did in the seventies, and Michael did in the eighties, I am doing for this decade. And nobody in mainstream media is going to see it coming.
You know when you think about it, Tucker Max is basically just a pornographic carnival geek. Pay 5 dollars and watch as Tucker sticks his dick into virtually anything. A cripple, a blind girl, a post op transsexual, TheBunny.
My God, that really sums up the entire Tucker Max experience.
Deconstructed, that should be the Forward to Assholes Finish First.
I think that's the point of the leper story. My favorite line
At the airport and in line for my ticket, I am forced to fly Virgin Atlantic because they are the only airline that cares enough about Manila . A very nice, very Midwestern couple is in front of me. The man's shirt has a picture of cheese on it.
Tucker "You guys going to Manila?"
Guy "Yes sir, heading there to do missionary work."
Tucker "Did you know there are Lepers in the Philippines?"
The man and his wife are silent and confused and look at me like I am some sort of leper.
Tucker "HUNDREDS OF THEM!"
They turn around and mumble something about crazy New Yorkers who moved to LA after living in Miami for a while and going to school in Chicago and North Carolina. Whatever, they've never fucked a Leper, they don't matter.
If Tucker did a movie using his speech as a template for his script I probably would pay to see that. Not so much the message he's hitting you over the head with in the script, but the overall story of Tucker is far more intriguing then the drivel he turned into a script. His script is just a very watered down version of his book that contains nothing worthwhile as far as a story.
That's my problem with Tucker. I'm not one of you guys who wants to claim that he's nothing more than a liar, I think it's obvious he embellishes his stories, but really they dont make his stories any less funny. I just feel as a writer he's regressed into this cartoon figurehead and II think it showed in his script.
"That's my problem with Tucker."
That's your only problem with a 34 year old man trying to encourage young kids to publish every random poopie thought on the internet as art.
"I'm not one of you guys who wants to claim that he's nothing more than a liar, I think it's obvious he embellishes his stories,'
I'll take "Eye for the Obvious" for 500 Alex. Unless Tucker's club chick owned a monster truck, basic physics would tell you that you can't parallel park a car in a tight spot, jump the curb and then put it inside a store.
"but really they dont make his stories any less funny."
I'm not sure anything could make his stories "less funny."
'I just feel as a writer he's regressed into this cartoon figurehead'
If Tucker became a cartoon figurehead, it would be progress over what he is right now. Even Wily Coyote demonstrates emotion for a brief moment in time.
"and II think it showed in his script."
No reputable cartoonist would have accepted this script. A pixar IHTSBIH, not likely. Most of those movies start with a good story.
I see Tucker addressed the Shreveport issues that were first pointed out on this blog.
I wonder what his trailer will look like.
The bookcover as a movie poster? BAD. IDEA.
"-Movie poster: We looked at all the proofs today, narrowed down what we wanted, and gave the design firm our notes. Should have something to post soon, and it'll be the one-sheet you see on most all of the ads and shit. It's going to look basically like the book cover. No reason to fuck with an iconic image."
Iconic?
HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
7/07/2009 7:14 AM
The funniest thing about this is that image was ripped off from some comedian. (I think Dave Attel?) The comdian guy used it on a DVD cover or something and Tucker stole that shit faster then Silly little freak will steal your Doritos.
Holy shit. Do a google image search for the phrase:
skanks for the memories
Came out three years before BIH.
Iconic.
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/images/B000089CT7/ref=dp_image_text_0?ie=UTF8&n=5174&s=music
Iconically a Tucker Max FAIL!!!!
Part I
Where Tucker's logic means... what the fuck does it mean?
“Updates promised, here they are:”
Yay, more work for me!!!
“-Movie poster: We looked at all the proofs today, narrowed down what we wanted, and gave the design firm our notes.”
Actually Sean did, I wanted a giant cock with my name written (A Tucker Max Production of a Tucker Max Film) on it at the top of the movie poster. But since Sean is paying the bills I have to listen to him (dammit Ebner, can’t you get me some dirt on Sean sooner, he’s ruining the movie!!)
“Should have something to post soon, and it'll be the one-sheet you see on most all of the ads and shit. It's going to look basically like the book cover. No reason to fuck with an iconic image.”
About as iconic and humorous as the planes flying into the Twin Towers and shit(and only slightly less tragic).
“-Trailer: I said we hoped to have a trailer to release by July 4th, and quite obviously that isn't going to happen.”
Which is funny since the movie wrapped last August. It’s funny how stupid Hollywood gets a teaser trailer in the theaters after less than 2 weeks of filming, but what do they know about making money. Real movies will have their trailers shown AFTER the feature film. This is part of the paradigm shift that will change the Universe of entertainment for good.
“The third cut of the trailer still needs a lot of work, but it's way closer to what we need it to be.”
For some reason the moron editors of the trailer forgot to add the 3 seconds of HypnoToad to entice audiences.
“Nils and Sean and I spent like three hours going over everything today and typing up the notes for the trailer house, and they are probably at work on them now. And this is just the green band trailer. Once we finish this, we get to work on the red band trailer, though it will be based on the same framework as the green band, so it shouldn't take long at all.”
And after that they’re going to be making the pink band trailers, cuz Tucker loves him some ladies.
“And YES, like I have promised repeatedly for the past year--while the trailer is indeed funny, it only gives up like four or five jokes”
But Tucker the film only had 2 jokes in the film...
“and not even close to the best ones.”
So no “did you just shit on my dick”? Oh wait, that didn’t make the script. Go on.
“I'd say of the top 20 lines in the movie, only like 2 or 3 are in the trailer, “
Top 20 lines? What are you, fucking Casey Kasem now?
“and none of the three funniest scenes are in the trailer at all really.”
Because, let’s face facts, there aren’t 3 funny scenes in the entire movie.
Part II
“The trailer does what a trailer should do--tell you what the movie is about, and give you a feel of what the movie will be like, but WITHOUT giving anything substantial away.”
You mean audiences won’t come away with something substantial, like you being a douchebag? I say THAT’S IMPOSSIBLE Tucker Max!!!
“By the way--I know I have been down on the trailer so far, which is to be expected with the rough drafts. But I sometimes lose perspective on these things because I am so close to them, “
Fifty bucks Sean made Tucker write this because the trailer house read his post and told the movie to go fuck themselves unless he apologized.
“so I showed the trailer to Bunny, who has only seen the movie once, and then only like the second rough draft like six months ago. Her response:”
Double or nothing that she likes it Any takers?
"OH MY GOD THAT TRAILER MAKES ME SO FUCKING EXCITED TO SEE THE MOVIE!!!!!! AAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! I'M LAUGHING AND CHEERING AND CRYING...A LITTLE, BUT TEARS OF JOY!!!!!!! AND MURPH IS IN THE TRAILER!!!!!!!”
I see rehab has not improved the mental health of Bunny.
Or her taste.
“You can hear the jingle of her nametag, yay! I realize there may be a ton of problems with it from your perspective right in the middle of all this, but just know, from someone who hasn't seen any of this stuff in months, it looks fucking great!!"
Bunny, why do you do this to yourself? Seriously, haven’t you been through enough. I hate to make fun of you, but you make it so easy with statements like the one above.
You’re better than this person Tucker turned you into. Let’s face facts, you’re a mess. You were a little nutty before, but now you’re over the edge. You know Tucker isn’t going to bring you along if he hits it big other than these emails asking you your opinion (you should at least get an associate producer credit for being a sounding board for Tucker since Day One).
That being said: any more assfucking in rehab?
“-The Tour Schedule: We are still hard at work on everything, figuring out availability and locking down dates and locations. We have had to make some big changes in the schedule, so I want to post the revised tentative schedule. Again, this is just TENTATIVE, so please do not consider this a lock until I post that it is a lock and we start to sell tickets:”
We really need to get some Vegas action on Tucker’s tour. Like how many shows get cancelled because Tucker fires the bus driver en route ecause he doesn’t like Kentucky Basketball? There has to be an odds maker who’d be dumb enough to take that bet.
“Potential Tour Schedule:”
Since Tucker is saying it’s “TENTATIVE” instead of something more definitive, I’m going to go out on a limb and say that only 25% of these shows will play at these listed locations. He might as well have put “THE WHITE HOUSE”, the TAJ MAHAL and HOGWARTS on this list.
“Yes, we've made some changes and potentially cut some cities and added the West Coast to the end of the tour by traveling on a football Saturday that we couldn't have had a screening on anyway.”
Tucker, are you saying college kids have other things to do on a football Saturday then pay 30 bucks to see your movie? Man, you're such a pessimist.
“And the beginning dates are almost certain to change, so please don't freak out or get frantic until the final list is released, then I will explain why we picked the cities we did and missed the ones we missed.”
25% of those cities listed will be left on the tour. Bet on it.
“And yes, the tickets will go on sale very soon, and yes, I will post about it long before it happens.”
Sort of like how you posted about making more box office than The Hangover long before it happened.
Part III
“_-Come to the source: After this post, Paulington emailed me, and we had a really good talk”
And Paulington is totally giving us a great review and all it’s going to cost me is a bag of swag and some sloppy seconds of this unemployed BBW who answered my dating application.
“and like I thought, he said he didn't come to me directly because it never occurred to him that I would either answer the email or was even actually accessible--so many studios and PR people guard access so much, what I am doing is actually pretty rare.”
Yes, because PR people are known for speaking for celebrities before the celebrity says something catastrophically stupid in a public forum. Oh wait!!
By the way; how’s Ryan Holliday working out for you?
“But he now knows what's up, and in fact he lives in LA and Nils and I are going to do an interview with him next week, so look for that on Movieweb, or just wait for me to post it here. He seems like a dude who "gets it," and if so, I look forward to the interview.”
When he says “gets it”, he means “Tucker’s cock”.
“_-Shreveport: OK, I just can't let this go, simply because it is so absurdly comical on so many levels.”
You know Tucker is sweating it when he uses the ole’ “so absurdly comical on so many levels” response. It’s the exact same thing he said about the Opie & Anthony show, or the BC Woods problem, or when Gawker called him out etc, etc, etc.
Tucker is nothing if not an easy read.
“Here is what I wrote about Shreveport in a previous post:”
What a bunch of fucking whiny babies. Blah blah blah blah blah blah fuck about your city, blah blah blah blah blah blah We showed our affection by blah blah blah blah blah . Not coming back, stop asking. [I hate to be harsh about this, blah blah blah. Fuck that.]
“Well, Nils got this email in response from someone who worked on the movie (a really good guy actually):”
Well, he was a really good guy when Tucker needed something from him, but now he’s a dick.
"Hey Nils,
Hope you are well. I know that this isn't really going to matter to you or Tucker, but the blurb about Shreveport on his blog is making the rounds here and people are pretty fucking pissed about it. I know Shreveport isn't the greatest city in the world, but they did offer you guys pretty significant tax breaks and hospitality while you were here. I hate that what he said is going to keep a considerable amount of people from seeing the film. I know that won't hurt your bottom line much, but still people here think it was pretty uncalled for. Tucker said great things about the city while he was here, but I guess it makes for better blog when he trashes it."”
Wow, what a fucking whiny dick. The audacity of some people defending their hometown when some righteous person denegrates it publicly, right Tucker?
“_Um...Shreveport did not give us a tax break. The STATE of Louisiana gave us the tax break. We would have gotten the exact same money had we shot anywhere else in the state.”
Good luck finding things like easily accessible equipment or a crew that doesn’t have to be put up in hotels because they actually live in Shreveport where you’re filming.
“I am sure the rest of the state appreciates you taking sole credit for everyone's work Shreveport.”
You mean like how you take sole credit for producing the movie? Oh wait, and Nils.
“And, like I have said multiple times, Shreveport offered us no more hospitality than we paid for.”
You mean you paid that old lady to bring you by food? You mean all those nice things you’ve said about the people of Shreveport is bullshit?
“And the only reason I am shitting on the city now--aside from its general crappiness which I DID talk about while I was there--is because the people are acting like fucking bitches, and when you act like a bitch, you get treated like a bitch.
Just ask Tucker about bitches, it’s how his father treated him.
“I hope that paragraph makes the rounds too.”
Yeah, because if he were there, Tucker would kick everybody’s ass. Fucking ingrates.
Part IV:
“Then I got this email, from someone I have never met (I am keeping him anonymous so he doesn't have to deal with any shit from this):”
Is it the Dungeons and Dragons Guy, or Military Fatigue Guy? How I miss their witty banter.
By the way, this next email is total bullshit. Want to know how I know, because the opening line to this email reads:
“Howdy-do Tucker,”
SEE, I FUCKING TOLD YOU!!! Did Ned Flanders write this? No, because he doesn’t exist in the real world (neither does the character of Tucker Max.) This is typical Tucker, this email will completely cement what he said above about Shreveport.
“I read your blog about cities you won't tour and why. I read the Shreveport one.
Wow, spot on man!! Loved it!! And it is something I have been trying to tell these folks for going on 4 years now.
I live in the area, (Bossier Parish), and I have worked in the film industry for 20 years. And you know I have spent a great deal of time on the road, living in Louisiana. The Shreve thinks they have arrived. And they liken themselves to H'wood, for some unknown reason, unless maybe arrogance.
I am a producer in their backyard, and have received no respect for it, and I am sure you understand why. The ass backwards mentality. Shreveport is an agricultural culture, with a plantation mentality, and N.O. is multi-cultural, an international city, in it's own right.
Mr. Max I applaud your sentiment, as I share it. The only reason the misses and I are here is b/c our home is paid for, as are our autos, and property. It's cost effective for us to reside here.
Just wanted to show you some support in your reflections on the shreve.
Wish you the best with your endeavors with IHTSBIH.”
No way a real person wrote this, let alone a “producer”.
“_Exactly.”
I know, it’s bullshit, right…
“But you know, all this second hand discussion doesn't quite tell the full story. Someone else sent this to me, and I thought it was a joke, but I have since confirmed it as authentic. I can give no better description than the one in the YouTube side panel, "hurricane chris performs an inappropriate and lurid rap song for the louisiana state house of representatives.
I'll give you one guess what city Hurricane Chris is repping.”
Wait, so all of Shreveport are douchebags because of one guy? What does that say about America when people talk about you then Tucker? This is your final statement about why Shreveport sucks? Because of some Z list rapper? Fuck dude, you listen to Paul Wall. PAUL. WALL. Does that make every white person who likes rap a douchebag because he’s “repping” whitey?
Tucker, no matter what you do at this point, you're going to look like a douchebag on this one. Nothing you can say will make you look good. You said too many nice things about Shreveport while you were filming there despite the fact that you wrecked the place you were staying at. Thank God Gawker already wrote you off.
I swear dude, I really want to go to law school now because if you went to one of the best schools in the country, and that’s your flow of logic, and you’re so smart there is no doubt I’ll be on the Supreme Court in 5 years tops.
“You stay classy Shreveport.”
Yeah Shreveport, don’t go shitting on anybody’s dicks.
BTW Tucker, I’d imagine if you were as good of a writer and as creative as you claim to be you could figure out a better closing line then plagerizing another movie. I mean I do it, but I’m not a writer, when you do it, it just makes me think you can’t write.
-TDG
^^^ You know it was this blog hat triggered Fucker's response to the whole Shreveport. He trashed the city, like, a month ago, but we mention Fucker's hypocrisy here, and within a matter of days, suddenly it's this big matter he has to deal with. Whether he wrote that post because he saw it here, or because someone else did, we still should get a credit.
Come on, Tucker. WE ALL KNOW YOU READ THIS BLOG. Just link to it and respond to the Deconstructor's continued annihilation of you, already.
If Deconstructor had his own blog, the link to which was posted on the RMMB - how long until it was taken down and the poster was banned?
The over/under will be 30 seconds.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
I dunno Proser, why don't you post it and find out...
“_-Shreveport: OK, I just can't let this go, simply because it is so absurdly comical on so many levels.”
You know Tucker is sweating it when he uses the ole’ “so absurdly comical on so many levels” response. It’s the exact same thing he said about the Opie & Anthony show, or the BC Woods problem, or when Gawker called him out etc, etc, etc."
SPOT-FUCKING-ON!!!
It is just mind-boggling to me, even already KNOWING what an idiot he is, that he is screwing up his PR so badly with this Shreveport nonsense. What would it cost him to NOT go around gratuitously bad-mouthing the town? All he has to do is avoid saying whatever mental diarhea happens to flow through his brain on certain occasions and it helps make him some money - God knows he needs every edge he can get. But no, this inane posturing is somehow more important.
How is it possible to be this stupid and still be breathing?
You want to know who thinks Max is smart? He does. And he'll be happy to tell you so. Repeatedly.
Personally I think he is about as bright as a bag of hammers.
Deconstructor:
You've done your homework. I'm impressed:
http://www.miaminewtimes.com/2000-10-26/dining/the-real-miami-circle-act-three/3
^^^ Those Maxes are some classy, virtuous men, aren't they? Daddy cheats on momma with everything that moves, and Junior tries to pass off silly, nasty stories about his childish, selfish stunts as great art with a deeper message.
The family crest should be two crossed penises with the phrase "It's All About Me" embossed beneath.
This article was from 2000 (Published on October 26, 2000)
Delusional? Actions have no consequences? Guess the apple doesn't fall from the tree, read below.
"Max won't answer questions about his impending divorce, except to say that he “had one of the most beautiful and perfect marriages. It was a storybook romance; the whole story for twenty years couldn't have been a better story.” Indeed he displays the same kind of blind optimism, as if his actions have no consequences, that he does when talking about former, possibly embittered partners. He won't refer to Patti as his ex-wife, though in the next breath he'll mention a date he had."
Ambitious plans that never come to be? Read below.
"In fact Miami may heal all wounds. Richter and Rosenberg have reconciled with Max to open Max's Place, and Max currently has plans to open more restaurants with his son from a former marriage, Tucker."
Prone to lawsuits and never paying up? Read.
"In July 1999 the partners split (Max and former partner Morfogen), owing to “differences of vision,” Morfogen says. He's unwilling to go on record with precise details, but sources reveal that a lawsuit ensued, awarding Morfogen monies that have gone unpaid."
"Max compares the restaurant business to the movie business: “Every movie is not great. That's the nature of it.”
There's just too much stuff to quote from that article. They truly are birds of feather. A must read for Tucker fans following this odd internet saga.
"In fact Miami may heal all wounds. Richter and Rosenberg have reconciled with Max to open Max's Place, and Max currently has plans to open more restaurants with his son from a former marriage, Tucker."
Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
Wait, there's more:
http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,999272,00.html
Remember how in one of Tucker's stories, he was speaking about how his very important father was just in Time Magazine?
He was in Time for being a douchebag deadbeat.
In another Florida case, restaurateur Dennis Max, following one extramarital fling, signed an agreement in which he promised that if he strayed again and caused a breakup, his wife Patti would get $50,000 for every year they had been together, plus all their property. His wife claims he later had a fling with a prostitute, and that he owes her $5 million. Joel Weissman, the attorney who represents both Florida wives, argues that such clauses are a justifiable way to make spouses pay for violating their marriage vows. "Why not put in a provision that says if I am emotionally distraught that you have done this to me, you have to give me something?" he asks. "It's just like any other contract."
By the way, Dennis Max lost the case, and with it most of his empire.
To the TM fans/anti-tm:
Jesus Christ people. He's just a guy! Anti-tm club get a grip! Your only making him get more press by constantly bringing up how much you hate him. And your obsessed posts about it are very scary! For people who sure hate him, you look him up a lot.
And to the TM fans. What the hell? You all make yourselves look like teenage punks with nothing better to do then to idolize someone who is just a self-proclaimed asshole. He's not god. He's some privileged guy who is making money off of you goofs.
For heavens sake. Both of you are like vultures fighting over a dead corpse. No one care except you guys. Get over it. For the sake of humanity.
^ No. We will not get over it. Learn to deal with it.
We know we have better things to do with our time that bad mouth Otto. We just don't care to be that productive.
BANNED!
"And to the TM fans. "
What TM fans?
(O O ) ( O O)
I don't see no TM fans round these parts. Unless you're getting confused with posts made 2-3 years ago.
IOW, troll spotted.
To the TM fans/anti-tm:
Jesus Christ people.....
(7/07/2009 10:12 PM)
That has to be Ryan Holiday. Whenever he's about to say something colossally stupid or ill-thought out, he leads of with "Jesus Christ".
If Tucker were Prince Edward II from Braveheart, then Holiday is Phillip, the unqualified pontificator. Longshanks would have to be the Hollywood system, or whatever industry Otto tries to revolutionize next.
Longshanks: If he can sack York, he can invade lower England.
Phillip: We would stop him!
Longshanks: Who is this person who speaks to me as though I needed his advice?
Prince: I have declared Phillip my High Counselor.
Longshanks: Is he qualified?
Phillip: I am skilled in the arts of war and military tactics, sire.
Longshanks: Are you? Then tell me, what advice would you offer on the present situation?
(The King assumes a kind manner and laying one arm across Phillip's shoulders walks him over to the window. As Phillip begins his reply, Longshanks throws him out the window to his death.)
Phillip: AAAHHH!
To the TM fans/anti-tm:
"Jesus Christ people. He's just a guy! Anti-tm club get a grip! Your only making him get more press by constantly bringing up how much you hate him. And your obsessed posts about it are very scary! For people who sure hate him, you look him up a lot.
For heavens sake. Both of you are like vultures fighting over a dead corpse. No one care except you guys. Get over it. For the sake of humanity."
I mean, its not like Tucker is Katy Johnson or something. Someone who did something so terrible that she deserves to have her name and picture spread across the internet for the rest of her adult life. See, its cool when Tucker does it to someone else. . . she was just some empty headed beauty queen. But Tucker is a guy!!! Bros before hos, fellas.
Hey TDG,
Just wondering why you have it out for Tucker? Has he ever done anything to you personally like fucking your girlfriend, or are you just some dickwad with a big mouth who is hiding behind his keyboard?
He's making a movie, what the hell are you doing that's so great? I bet you didn't go to Duke or U of Chicago and graduate with honers.
Hope you come to one of his sold out shows so we can get a good look at you. There will be repurcutions to your actions, I shit you not.
"He's making a movie, what the hell are you doing that's so great? I bet you didn't go to Duke or U of Chicago and graduate with honers."
Oh man. This post ... That's quality humor, right there.
Never stop posting.
"He's making a movie, what the hell are you doing that's so great? I bet you didn't go to Duke or U of Chicago and graduate with honers."
You spelled Boners wrong.
The actual words are too beautiful to not post from Tucker's Blog (10/15/08):
"That's just the beginning, and that's just for a normal indie distributor. So why not do it yourself?
Well, because of all the parts of the process that can be outsourced, distribution is the easiest to "buy" in a one off deal, and the hardest to replicate. A distributor has so many relationships (with theaters and advertisers) that are so hard to replicate, and an ability to collect rents and drive deals that is very difficult for a small production company to compete with. I am all about going around the system, but even I think using a large distributor for this movie makes the most sense, especially considering we have a commercially viable property that should be very marketable and attractive to viewers, and thus to theaters and distributors also.
You can do a DIY distribution, it's just really, really hard and almost never works."
Here is the logic;
DIY Distributors almost never works
Using a large distributor makes the most sense
Freestyle is a DIY distributor
ERGO: Tucker's Distribution plan is really, really hard and almost never works.
And what will the "repurcutions" be?
Worry about turning 17 and then you'll get to attend the screening.
Better yet, worry about graduating high school before you turn 20 you moron.
This post deconstructed:
"Hey TDG,'
OK. so TDG is getting to us, time to pull out our typical insults, should with: 1)"you seem to have a lot of time to post on message boards instead of doing something productive; or 2) What, did Tucker fuck your girlfriend or something.
I'm betting on 2 here.
"Just wondering why you have it out for Tucker? Has he ever done anything to you personally like fucking your girlfriend,"
Bingo, we have a winner.
"or are you just some dickwad with a big mouth who is hiding behind his keyboard?"
Variation on 1 so, I should get credit. Because Tucker has never acted like a dickwad hiding behind a keyboard.
OK, now lets list Tucker's modest accomplishments and call out, what have you ever done.
"He's making a movie,"
Well most of our posts seem to be about the fact that Tucker promised more than he delivered with respect to this film. But making the movie is only part of the game, as Tucker pointed out in his blog in October, Distribution is the real tricky part.
"what the hell are you doing that's so great?"
On the rudius board, any poster that criticizes a movie has to have won an academy award or they are banned.
"I bet you didn't go to Duke or U of Chicago"
In some quarters, a 34 year old guy with a great education who is still posting dick stories on the internet and hanging around with college kids constitutes a loser. In a real sense, Tucker's education w/o a law license makes him qualified to be a paralegal.
"and graduate with honers."
Ahh. . . the gift that keeps on giving.
"Hope you come to one of his sold out shows so we can get a good look at you."
Because the real tough guys aren't at the biker bars that TDG hangs out in, but they are hanging out with the real hard guys, the rich spoiled college kids who are a fan of Tucker's
"There will be repurcutions to your actions, I shit you not."
No schwag bags for you TDG!!!
"Hey TDG,"
Howdy Ho random Tucker fan.
Oh snap, I just plagerized Tucker...er... I mean his random emailer from yesterday.
"Just wondering why you have it out for Tucker?"
"Have it out" is strong words. I don't have it out for him, like say how Lee Harvey Oswald had it out for JFK, although my methods are quite similar to a sniper. Plus Tucker has a big enough head to always score a head shot on.
Ho-Ah, right Tucker (wink).
I think he's full of shit to the point that he's made himself a target. In other words, it's his turn. I could care less if he's reading this or not, it's even more fun when some random fan comes in here and finds that they are out of their league.
"Has he ever done anything to you personally"
Gee, did any of the props... er... characters in IHTSBIH ever do something to Tucker to make him be a dick to them? No. Think of my motives as the same as Tucker's, I'm doing this for my own amusement, and I'm super glad that you've decided to join in.
"like fucking your girlfriend"
Let me check if my girlfriend has a scorching case of herpes or a tattoo that she's covered over that might have said "I Fucked Tucker Max.... Nope, guess she didn't hit rock bottom yet and then turned her self loathing onto herself by fucking the equivilent of a whore. But who knows, we've only been dating for 6 months, I might drive her in that direction.
"or are you just some dickwad with a big mouth who is hiding behind his keyboard?"
Pretty much. Hey, ever notice another dickwad with a big mouth who is hiding behind their keyboard who never ever seems to get in any fights although clearly in reality he would have gotten his shit kicked at least once?
I'm just like that guy, sans douche.
"He's making a movie, what the hell are you doing that's so great?"
You're assuming that making a movie = greatness. Adolph Hitler produced a lot of movies, but don't we all wish he didn't?
I'm not doing anything great, I'm just a simple speech pathologist working with urban kids in the poorer areas of a city. Of course I'm not saying I'm changing the world, but hopefully with a couple of kids I am.
I know, it's nothing compared to making a self indulgent movie that's getting distributed to 50 theaters and pretending that I'm helping people with my "art" or that I'm even making "art" in the first place. Tucker, consider yourself one up on me there.
"I bet you didn't go to Duke or U of Chicago and graduate with honers."
Nope, simple state school. Here's the funny thing, I'm more hirable with my shitty degree then Tucker is. That's the one point that Tucker never makes in his "art" the REPERCUSSIONS of his actions. Tucker, the celebrity has nothing to fall back on. Who would hire him now?
I guess if I knew that like Tucker does, I'd lie a lot to hold on to my dwindling fan base too. It's all he has.
"Hope you come to one of his sold out shows so we can get a good look at you."
Tell you what, I'll be at one of his shows. I'm easy to spot, I'll be the white guy.
Actually, I'll be the white guy in the theater with a videocamera who is taping his movie so others can download it for free. In this case consider me like Robin Hood, robbing from the douche to give to the masses.
"There will be repurcutions to your actions, I shit you not."
Okay Staff Sgt Barnes.
Never stop thinking about Tucker. Allow that spent energy to drift into the ether. I insist that you come here, and post here tommorow. Keep thinking about Tucker.
TAT
Never stop thinking about Tucker. Allow that spent energy to drift into the ether. I insist that you come here, and post here tommorow. Keep thinking about Tucker.
TAT
TAT Guy,
Okay, but keep thinking about me (TDG) thinking about making fun of Tucker (or KTAMTAMFoT).
-TDG
I keep thinking about the ether, but the energy of Tucker's douche keeps clouding the view. Just sayin'.
"Gee, did any of the props... er... characters in IHTSBIH ever do something to Tucker to make him be a dick to them? No."
Damn right. TDG, you are DA MAN.
Tuckster wrote this:
"I know that in your world, you are the most important thing there is, but--for your own sake--try to understand that a world exists outside of your wishes and desires."
Gosh, teach us Tuckster. Teach us how to be more aware of, and sensitive to, the world around us, Captain Narcissist.*
*(Hint: look up 'narcissism', Tuckster, you self-important windbag)
“Now, if you just superficially read the book, probably all you focus on is the drinking and fucking and poop jokes, and while those are there, they are only the first level of meaning. “
Tucker believes there’s meaning in poop. I believe he’s correct. If you string out a load shit long enough you might be able to make out “words” that when put together make “sentences” then “paragraphs”, then perhaps a book deal. That’s the real meaning.
_____
Laughing out loud in the office right now...people are giving me funny looks. I don't care TDG is hilarious!
pmcdonnell-4 wrote this on IMDB just now:
"In what can only be called the greatest of irony. Tucker’s film will be released the same day as Ricky Gervais’s ensemble comedy called “The Invention of Lying.” A comedy set in a world where no one has ever lied, until a writer seizes the opportunity for personal gain. Unlike Tucker’s innovative groundbreaking film, it actually has already released a trailer and there is buzz that it could be the next break out comedy. It has regular distribution and a great cast: including Jonah Hill, Tina Fey, Jason Bateman, Christopher Guest, Jenifer Garner, Rob Lowe, and Jeffery Tambor (all comedy lightweights). The trailer is already in theaters and is being seen by the summer film audience. It received that old fashioned regular distribution nonsense from Warner Brothers.
The fact that Tucker’s film is being released opposite a movie about a lying writer is simply too rich."
That's hella funny, yizzo.
“So I pushed the thought of writing completely out of my head, and I took their advice and I went to Duke Law School. I even got an academic scholarship to go there.”
Really Tucker? What was the name of this mythical scholarship? Since there is no record of you getting any sort of scholarship at Duke, perhaps you can enlighten us with a web page. These sort of things are very prestigious and people who get these scholarships are listed. Why aren’t you on any of these lists?
_________
What TDG says is completely true. I had a 4-year engineering scholarship to a top 10 engineering school.
If you google my real name...it comes up. It's the only thing I'm "known" for in the WWW. But it's right there, school lists the scholarships they give out every year and who they are too. Especially ones that are academic scholarships (not business ones) because this is a display of prominance by the academia.
There's no scholarship with Tuckers' name on it anywhere in the Duke website or history.
“_Making this movie was never the end goal for Nils or me. Never. This movie is just a launching point for something much larger.
In addition to building a franchise off of this first film project, we have tons of ideas for Rudius media. Some are easy to envision (books, movies); others will take a lot more resources and be dependant upon certain benchmarks associated with domestic receipts and other factors that I will explain soon.
The business plan for Rudius is diverse to say the least and will surprise many people. Without giving away too many secrets I will list just a few of the like 20 ventures we will be exploring.
Rudius Air: We are already in talks to purchase or lease two high-end private jets that will cater to specifically to filmmakers with out of state productions. Key words here are—TAX INCENTIVES. More on this later.
Crossbow and Rifle range: We have met with a few commercial realtors in Los Angeles to help us scout a location for an indoor firing range that isn't limited to handguns. There is a huge potential market for this in Southern California. People are just to lazy to do the research.
IHTSBIH Bar/Restaurant(s): Despite the plethora of places to eat in Los Angeles, there are only a few places to go and actually drink (without being surrounded by cokehead actors in shiny shirts). The problem why so many bars fail in this town is because everyone over thinks the concept. Not us. Don't get me wrong--there are HUGE obstacles for this; a liquor license being one as they are near impossible unless you stick to serving just beer and wine. We've run a broad concept past a few investors and got amazingly POSITIVE feedback. Again, this would be two years out at least, but two years is nothing in the timeline we have fashioned.
Keep your eye on the target not the prize.”
HAHAHAHAHA
Just done ONE thing right first dickhead.
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