The story below was copied from a
Facebook.com account. A link to this story in the comments to an older post awhile ago.
Tucker Max's face, meet Megan ******'s hand
Megan was discussing ball shaving with a nice man at a tailgate. Good start to this story;) NE ways, Tucker Max was also at the tailgate and started talking shit to Megan (he obviously thought she was a hot girl who would sleep w/ him if acted like an asshole, and he was showing off in front of his buddies). Megan hit him on the arm, and he said that meant Megan wanted to fuck him because if she hit him in the face, then he'd know she was mad. She then dissed his elastic waistband (yes, he was wearing elastic waistband shorts, what is he, 12?), and he said "its so stupid bitch whores like you can suck my dick without any confusion." So she slapped him in the face!!!
Tucker threw his drink at her, Candice threw her drink at Tucker with lightning fast reflexes, then he proceeded to grab Megan by her hair and hit her in the face with his pathetically small hands. With a bruised face, and a bruised ego, he took his shriveled penis back to his buddies.
In Tucker Max's own words, "My name is Tucker Max, and I am an asshole." Oh, and he hits girls.
15,917 comments:
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Remember that SouthPark where Cartman licks the tears off that kids face. He enjoyed the boys pain so much it almost seemed to give him energy. Thats how I feel when someone like Tucker writes such a huge book about making fun of asians and fat girls. I enjoy knowing that some of his life/energy was spent doing it. Even if I didn't get to read it. It's the thought...
Remember that SouthPark where Cartman licks the tears off that kids face. He enjoyed the boys pain so much it almost seemed to give him energy. Thats how I feel when someone like Bunny writes a long, incoherant blog post. I enjoy knowing that some of her life/energy was spent doing it. Even if I didn't get to read it. It's the thought...
Remember that SouthPark where Cartman licks the tears off that kids face. He enjoyed the boys pain so much it almost seemed to give him energy. Thats how I feel when someone like Matt Douchesky speaks words penned/pilfered by some random fat fuck named Nils. I enjoy knowing that some of his life/energy was spent doing it. Even if I didn't get to see it. It's the thought...
so... does anyone remember that southpark episode? p.s. please be real, lotteryman2009
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iBiWtk2K85I
I don't understand
If Tucker really wrote the post at 10:08 PM 2/21/2009, I'd actually be impressed. Implying that he's a "real intellectual" would be the first funny joke he's ever made!
"Hence the quotation, you unobservant fuckwit."
2/21/2009 11:29 PM
Except there were no quotation marks. Just a URL and a bunch of text. Sorry if I offended you Madam. Then again maybe I didn't, and you're just normally long-winded. As for me, I'm just gonna mosey on down this dusty trail,if the lords willin and the creek don't rise...
What the hell are you animals even talking about?
What the hell are you animals even talking about?
What the hell were The Animals even singing about?!
Come now, children... come on over to 'Fuck Tucker Max'; there's a new post, and it needs your gentle touch.
HREF="http://tuckermaxlies.blogspot.com/">Fuck Tucker Max
Dang it. Fine, just cut-and-paste. I hate HTML.
http://tuckermaxlies.blogspot.com/
I hear there are girls on the internet. c/d?
^Get thee to a nunnery, whoremonger.
What was the show Manimal even about??
Manimal was this show about this author who thought he was super awesome, yet everything he did was grade-A douchebaggery.
It lasted longer than the "Tucker Max Show".
Actually...
Dr. Jonathan Chase... wealthy, young, handsome. A man with the brightest of futures. A man with the darkest of pasts. From Africa's deepest recesses, to the rarefied peaks of Tibet, heir to his father's legacy and the world's darkest mysteries. Jonathan Chase, master of the secrets that divide man from animal, animal from man... Manimal!
They were originally going to cast Animal from the muppets in the role of Manimal; the Animals were going to sing the Manimal theme song. The Animals were planning to record a new version of the song live, in a special once-a-year event, without using any electronic instruments. Dan Hill was slated to sit in with the band, with the aforementioned muppet doing the percussion duties. They were going to call it: "Daniel, Animal, and the Animals in the manual Manimal annual."
^ Genius!
THREAD NEEDS COWBELL
also, maternal incest soup
Tucker is the model of the modern major doucebag.
The end is looming near soon.
All we have done is about to lock.
Destiny calls.
This process has never been done before in history.
Art has been created.
Objects in motion stay in motion as the end justifies the means.
Life will never be the same again as Nils and I begin to change the Hollywood system forever with one small film.
My life will never be the same again.
I will soon be a household name.
My art is alive.
I treat Mexican waiters with the disrespect they deserve.
Tonk.
I am currently wearing giant shorts and flip flops.
I don’t have a trust-fund.
Money has always just magically appeared in my bank account
I only listen to rap as I mostly identify with the Geto Boys as I grew up on the streets.
By streets I mean private and privileged white communities where we viewed blacks as primates.
When I am around black people my speech suddenly changes.
I still lisp, but I speak like one of Vanilla Ice’s towel boys circa 1990.
The dye has been cast.
Art.
TUCKER
tucker max kills viacom, the new york times, and now borders:
http://www3.timeoutny.com/chicago/blog/out-and-about/2009/02/borders-closes-on-the-mag-mile/
"As Crain’s Chicago reports, Borders Group Inc. has announced it will close its flagship store on the Magnificent Mile, effectively “affecting” 100 employees in the process. . . Last month, useless fratboy Tucker Max signed copies of an updated I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell. To my mind, the store had stopped contributing to the culture of the city and become little more than a stop-in spot for tourists out on the Mile."
think about it.
as nils and jessica bradford and matt whocry/douchesky/whosky and tucker masky ejaculate douche on all of entirety, all of the world begins to crumble on down.
this is what happens when you have a duke/u of c system of, by, and for douchebags.
tucker can rule for the moment with his tiny hands, his douchey voice, his lisp, his narrow shoulders, his enlarged head only because of the billlions upon billions spent on the destruction/desecration/persecution of culture and good men.
they cannot, nor will they, keep us down forever.
all they can do is take the stock prices of borders/viacom/the new york times on down with them.
Did Gweneth Paltrow take a page out of Tucker's Playbook of Douchebaggery?
Her response was pretty much exactly what Tucker has said time and time again about his many critics:
"They're just jealous idiots" or whatever.
I guess the difference is that people have heard of Gweneth Paltrow.
You guys just don't get it. After Tucker revolutionizes the movie industry (get this: he's gonna turn Rudius Media into a MOVIE STUDIO BITCHES!!) he's going to go after the music industry, and then the cable news channel industry, and he will become the next Ted Turner.
Weeeellll...
Tucker Max is a big fat douche,
He's the biggest douche in the whole wide world.
You all know the words, join in!
Some little sleeper film based on a no-name comic is being released this weeend. The director, some guy named Zack Snyder?, did some blogging aabout it, including educational stuff like pictures of the storyboards and set. Guess Snyder wasn't too busy what with being on set and through post-production for the whole project. I wonder if Tucker is pissed that this noname stole his idea... a year before he even started.
If this Snyder guy's movie stood any chance of grossing more than Tucker's masterpiece, I'd suggest he sue. But we all know taht Tucker will triumph in the end.
^ You're giving Tuckerr way too much credence and cred which is the usual in this "Tukker perpetually on the brain and we can still talk and think about Tuucker after like three years of doing just that" crowd. I say that because you just compared him to Snyder who directed 300 and that Dawn of the Dead remake, which to be honest wasn't good at all but regardless, the guy is still leaps and bounds beyond Tucler. I could heap criticism on Snyder, don't get me wrong, one shitty remake and two comic adaptations does not make Snyder great by any means but still leaps and bounds beyond Tuckor, obviously.
TAT
^ Wow, your sarcasm detector needs tuning. It's hard to wake up lately without being bombarded with the blockbuster hype surrounding Watchmen and Snyder, unless your totally clueless and/or foreign.
TATGuy, you so crazy.
P.S. I'm thinking about Tucker. Are you thinking about me thinking about Tucker?
epic fail by TAT guy.
Wow, your sarcasm detector needs tuning. It's hard to wake up lately without being bombarded with the blockbuster hype surrounding Watchmen and Snyder, unless your totally clueless and/or foreign.
3/03/2009 1:37 PM
epic fail by TAT guy.
3/03/2009 5:57 PM
You're both right. I actually hadn't heard anything about Watchmen. Mostly because I don't watch TV. Apparently its been huge!
TAT
___
P.S. I'm thinking about Tucker. Are you thinking about me thinking about Tucker?
3/03/2009 3:19 PM
Yes, I've said this over and over. I am thinking about you thinking about Tucker. You can reiterate that as much as you like though.
KTAT
The dye has been cast.
What happens now is out of my control.
Thing are about to get interesting.
There's no turning back.
What I have done has never been done before.
Well, maybe it has been done a million times before.
We cannot unring the bell.
Hollywood history is being made.
Nils and I will have tons of money.
Tons MORE money than we already have.
We have TONS of money already as we are people named Tucker and Nils.
People only name their children Tucker and Nils when they have tons of money.
Nils and I got married this week.
My ass hurts.
The dye has also been cast, again.
To the guy who raped a woman and the girl who carved a backwards "B" in her face trying to pin it on an Obama supporter, I'm glad you both listed me as your hero on myspace -- that shows the world the type of people who love me.
Have I mentioned the dye being cast?
It's all about to begin.
Art.
My art.
The only art.
Stories about shitting in a lobby and bufthsects.
Art.
Revolutionary!
Art.
BTW, you are all wrong.
Tucker
"I am thinking about you thinking about Tucker."
Me, for the win. I'll KTAT if you KTAMTAT, OK TATGuy?
Call me TAKTAMTATGuyTATATGuyTAKTAMTATGuyTAT Guy.
No, that's not a typo. Read it carefully.
^ What the FUCK is wrong with you people?
"I am thinking about you thinking about Tucker."
Me, for the win. I'll KTAT if you KTAMTAT, OK TATGuy?
3/04/2009 12:42 PM
I knew you had to reiterate it. It's like Corky from Life Goes On, and how he would repeat stuff back to people for affirmation. YES, I'll KTAYTAT.
I'm just wondering, with all this TAT going on, and with TATguy KTA us TAT, do you think Tucker is TA TATGuy TA us TAT?
I'll bet he is.
I think TATguy and TAINTguy should go off on a date. They both might have finally found someone else who'll listen to their stupidity.
^^ I like TATGuy. He sort of acts like he's 'above it all', which is a little irritating, but he seems like a smart enough, normal enough guy.
Plus, he TA us TAT. That's phat.
"I knew you had to reiterate it. It's like Corky from Life Goes On, and how he would repeat stuff back to people for affirmation. YES, I'll KTAYTAT."
Actually, it's more like how Tucker always prefaces and punctuates his lying with "This is a true story".
I'll be TAYTAMTAT, as long as you'll KTAMTAT. Oh, and I promise, I'll also be TAT.
Later TATGuy!
TAYTAMTATGuy is teh awesome. He KTAT and doesn't afraid of anything.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tX0D0-jxHkI
Why oh why won't Tucker post some more on his movie blog? I need to get my daily dose of vitamin T!!!
^^ You mean you're not satisfied with ALL that new video, ALL those new pictures, and ALL that behind-the-scenes content that he promised, then fully delivered on?
Ingrate.
Personally, I'm actually excited for the next couple months.
Maybe Tucker signs a major distributor...maybe he is able to do a wide release of this movie on a couple thousand screens??
My gut still says that if he can even get a distributor, it's going to be a small "test" release followed by straight to DVD. The one hope being that people see the movie on the big screen during the small release and maybe like "The Wrestler", this causes some buzz and additional screens pick up the film.
After what, 18 months now of hearing about the damn movie, it's finally nice to see what's going to happen. This has been like a really bad TV show, where you have to watch just to see what happens, except you can't stand anyone involved.
Tucker should have just made a movie about a guy who embellishes everything and tries to sell his diminishing fanbase on a movie he's trying to make.
I smell sequel!!!!!!!
needs more poasts
not enough poasts
poast
poast!
POAST!!!!!111
post...
and mind the stepchildren...
If a tree falls in a forest, does Tucker embellish the story and say that the tree fell due to the fact he drunkenly fucked it?
did you guys read the interview where zack snyder was saying he revolutionized the movie industry?
i didn't either.
he was too busy *doing* it.
tucker actually conformed to his duke and u of c professors' doucheification of all entirety. he was a star student in putting cum, douche, and feces over all of everything.
^ Now, now, Snyder has not "revolutionized" anything. All he succeeded in doing is putting a big glowing blue dong on the silver screen.
"So instead of thinking I am just hyping my movie, or being arrogant Tucker, or counting my chickens before they hatch...pay attention to the deeper meaning, and maybe you'll learn something."
Oh, we'll learn something Tucker. We'll learn that you are a douchebag dumbass.
I love how Tucker tries to disguise what he's doing as having something deeper than just succeeding, and if you don't get it you're just an idiot.
It's that sort of bullshit that a cult does to get people to hang on. It's also completely condescending, but hey, he's a douchebag so of course he's condescending.
But the kicker is this, Tucker doesn't even know what he's doing, so he's trying to keep people hanging on by inventing the "deeper meaning" of what it all means even though he himself doesn't know the "deeper meaning". Statements like this are exactly why he's a douchebag and why his movie will never get any distribution.
Who wants to deal with a condescending lying fraud?
Think about this for a second guys. Really, think. Tucker keeps bragging about how great his movie is going to be. Then, he says that his bragging has a deeper meaning, which he invites the reader to try to understand. Deeper meaning? Is Tuckernuts hiding his meaning behind nuanced allegories this whole time? Or maybe Tucker is just a self-important douche bag of shit.
pancakes
I love that Tucker is one minute an expert in showing us "the deeper meaning of Hollywood" and how silly mentions in college tours prove that his movie will succeed.
However, as he has gone through each phase of production for his movie, he says he's not an expert who has only a vague notion of what he's doing because he has never made a movie before.
So now, an internet blogger who has never made a movie, is now telling us that college kids enjoying his work are examples of why his movie will be successful.
Wake up Tucker. We already know college kids and high school kids are aware of your work, they're your target demographic. Too bad most high school kids are too young to see the movie, and you're betting that college kids will shell out $10 admission, if it even hits theaters.
In addition, you repeatedly assume that this movie will spread like wild-fire through word-of-mouth advertising because of the number of books you've sold and "how great this movie is". Unfortunately, a number of people bought your book and hated it. A second number bought it but will never pay to see a movie based on it.
Rather than build up your movie by linking to some Washington Post Article about Kent State tour guides, wait until you sign a distributor that goes on to put out your film to a wide release that makes millions. Then, rub our faces in it. Go for it. We were wrong and you were right. You'll have the victory.
This way, you can at least save some face if the movie bombs, and you were wrong. You don't know what you're doing and you've embellished everything up to this point anyway.
In the meantime, these irrelevant mentions reek of desparity of someone trying to keep a dying vegetable alive for a few last breaths. Time's up Tucker.
Come onnnnnnn September
So has anybody else been thinking about suicide? Most people who are just considering it but aren't diehard about it...get it? Diehard? Anyway the ones that are just kinda on the fence may be there for a number of reasons. They may be scared of doing it wrong, or suffering needlessly. If they were raised religious, they may be scared of some kind of punishment in the afterlife. More commonly though they are worried about the ones they leave behind. Parents, friends, even coworkers become a consideration. How much will they hurt? What level of devastation will you be leaving behind?
I can't really address your concerns about the afterlife except to say thinking that a loving omnipotent, omnicient god would make you burn forever because your sadness overwhelmed you and you took your own life, is silly. I'm sure further punishment won't be in the cards for you.
As for doing it correctly, I recommend pills if you can get them. Something like xanax or methadone would be ideal. Make sure you have ALOT of them! And take them all! You'll simply, painlessly go to sleep.
Now, as for the ones you leave behind. We all know time will ease that burden for them and lets face it, you were kind of a burden while you were alive weren't you? So you are kind of doing them a favor even though it will take time for them to realize that. As someone who has been left in the wake of a suicide, I can tell you that they'll handle it ok and that it will get easier for them after a little while.
So with most of your concerns addressed, What Are You Waiting For? Kill yourself today!
^Alright man, if that's how your'e gonna fukin push it, then i fuckin will, and then you'll know that it was because you fuc kin told me to od it,
Well, new post at IHTSBIH production blog today. Looks like Tucker is trying to paint himself as the connsumate nice-guy narcissist again. Like the mythical "Hooker with a heart of gold", this image he paints is also the stuff of myths.
Oh and guy above, I hope you aren't actually gonna kill yourself, thats crazy talk.
Instead of killing yourself, why not try thinking about Tucker (TAT)? It's just as satisfying, and with 100% less self-murder
^^^I'm not so sure about 100 percent less self-murder. I think I die a little every time I TAT.
^Ok guys, no self-murder for me. Just don't want you all to be like those people who drove that one dude to kill himself on his webcam.
I bet the TMMB would have done the same thing.
Tucker writes:
"What I'm trying to do, both to learn for myself and to teach my readers, is to find out what to look for in order to make accurate predictions of the future in this business. And you can only do that by making predictions PRIOR to the event, then judging to seeing if you are right or wrong and why, based on what happens. Ex post rationalizations of events are worthless.
Thats why its comical that all these talking heads on CNN are making themselves out as experts. Really? You didn't have ANY CLUE that crisis was coming, why the fuck do you think you can pass yourself off as an expert now? Everyone makes mistakes of course, but to miss all the signs about this event when you are supposed to be an expert in the field is unforgivable. Especially when it was glaringly obvious even to someone like me (granted I was just reading Umair, Taleb, Roubini and others, but still, I got it), means you need to shut up.
My point? I'm not just blindly wishing for success for this movie. I am telling you it will be a success, and most importantly, I am telling you WHY it will be a success before the fact, and you can judge me by these predictions after the fact.
If it turns out that this thing rides to a 210 million dollar box office based on it word of mouth starting in the 18-24 year old age group and in select internet circles and is regaled as a classic comedy--then I was right, for the right reasons, and I should be considered an expert. I called it before it happens, exactly how it would happen. If it crashes and burns, then I was completely wrong and I have no idea what I am talking about and shouldn't be making movies. And it if does something in between--say 80 million, and gets a demographic profile I didn't predict--well, I was still kinda wrong. Being right for the wrong reasons is mostly luck, and I'll need to tease out what was me and what was luck. Being right for the right reasons means you are probably onto something."
And, y'know, that actually is a pretty good poast. Now, "people who are not Tucker" have a somewhat different prediction than he does, and for reasons that are different than the ones he is looking at. But that is what makes this a good experiment.
He seriously believes his film will make 80 million dollars.
I'm done.
^No dude, look more closely. He's predicting $210 million !!!
Holy fuck, Tucker is gonna blow his top when his movie makes $2.10 million.
In today's market? This thing gets put on a shelf by Darko and used as a write off to hide grey money they still have coming in from Donnie Darko. Tucker's investors might be screwed, but they knew what they were doing too.
Tucker is depending on "word of mouth" to sell his film.
Word of Mouth of the movie so far has been a train wreck. The script has been the laughing stock of Hollywood, his grand proclamations have been ridiculed by websites with much higher traffic then his message board.
In the process of making the movie, he has been shown to be a thin skinned bully with no discernable skill as a writer or a producer, yet gives his fans his own take on how to be successful. His formula is so simplistic it borders on retarded.
Be Tucker Max = Being Successful
Just by being like him, you will be a better person. That's his entire philosophy on being a success. He offers nothing in terms of real advice that's usable by anybody but himself.
I still can't believe he doesn't see his own irony when he tells his fans "To make a movie, first you need a good script".
His script was horrible, both versions. He continually lies to his fans how he has the upper hand because he's big into counterintelligenceorpropagandaorwhatever.
He's like a bizarro wannabe Tyler Durden, with a huge number of internet sleeper of space monkeys who will jump at whatever he does as an "artist".
Yeah, a con artist.
3/10/2009 11:50 PM
"Yeah, a con artist."
Yup. Third-rate, but... yup.
Tucker's even more deluded that I had thought. While most con artists talk big, they do it within reason in order to make the dream sound plausible. If Tucker was merely a con artist, he could proclaim that the movie will break $30 million (generating a very healthy profit) and at least seem believable to the high school age dweebs that populate his message board. No, dreaming of a $30 million hit wouldn't satiate his needy ego.
Tucker writes, "After all, success shared is the sweetest kind."
Yes--the shared success of the douchepack. Now Matt Czurchy, Jessica Bradford, and Stilts--girly men all--will never be able to divorce the "success" of their careers from the destruction of a beauty queen's reputation, from using midgets for publicity while making fun of them, from making fun of ethinticities and overweight girls.
Yes--that is the philosophy Tucker used to build a career by destroying the reputation of beauty queens and making fun of asians and fat girls and lacing everything with Duke/U of C douche. They all share his success.
The funny thing is that he also destroyed the careers of Bradford/Czurchy/Stults, who never talk about him nor to him.
Big whoop--they're landing roles on pilots. And so it is that Tucker knocked them down from the big screen to his own sunken level of douchebaggery and epic failure; built upon epic mountains of fake amazon reviews and jobless viacom fanboys; and daddyless, soulless, embittered bunnies.
Thing about all that Jessica Bradford/Czurkey/Stilts lost by becoming leading men in "The Douche Pack."
Pink Floyd, who were true artists, tell the story:
And did they get you to trade your heroes for ghosts?
. . . And did you exchange a walk on part in the war for a lead role in a cage?
Have you guys read the writing of the guy who plays Slingblade? He just writes a bunch of randoms shit and pretends that he sounds like Slingblade. Fucking pathetic.
check out the long line of hotties tucker attracts -- ten people in the form of four girls:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/rudiusmedia/3237270827/sizes/l/in/dateposted/
if you want a great laugh, goto www.alexa.com & compare tuckermax.com, ihopetheyservebeerinhell.com, and gawker.com (or any other website popular with Tucker's targeted demographic).
Tucker, having the 40,000 & 100,000 most popular website in the world isn't going to get you a $210m audience; heck, I doubt it will get you distribution.
Will someone in Tucker's inner circle (if there is such a thing), please explain to me what it is that is so revolutionary about making a movie?
Alexa isn't accurate, but it is a decent indicator. Check out how Tucker's traffic was cut in half after the Scriptwriter and Gawker articles cut his awful script to pieces. Once the college age guys realized Tucker was full of shit, they bailed on him. Now he's left with adult misfits and high schoolers.
damn. All that's missing is a greasy guy wearing camo and an asian guy with a lazy eye and it would be just like one of tucker's 100% true stories.
To the fat girl dressed like a zebra: If you're going to dress like zoo animals, try a walrus, fattie
To the skank-ass ho: I bet you went to a state school. Burn!
To the walrus: strawberry shortcake!?!! more like strawberry cheesecake!!!!
To the tranny: pre or post op? That's my way of asking if I'll be fucking you in the pooper or in the mangina. I'm tucker maxth.
^ Hahaha, you're a better Tucker than Tucker.
Tucker's movie is completing production just as the modern world enters its biggest economic crisis ever.
People are not going to want to see vapid stupidity about pointless hedonism when they're wondering how to pay for next month's rent.
"using Hollywood terms like "quadrant" only further douchebaggifies him"
"quadrant" is a Hollywood term? Cool. I'm totally Hollywood up in here!
T-bag said this about a recent article:
This guy was the only press person at the screening. Many asked to come, he was the only one we invited:
http://boxoffice.com/featured_storie...er-in-hell.php
Gee....I wonder why a guy who wrote a favorable article was the only press person Tucker invited. Love the Tucker spin job that's put on everything.
To recap, Tucker is a manipulative douchebag who is so caught up in his own made up persona that he actually thinks the movie he made will be "groundbreaking" and "revolutionary." He insists all of his stories are 100% true and seems to think that everyone will just buy it.
People, myself included, originally read him when he was a little self-deprecating and funny. That tongue in cheek funny overconfidence has now become a trainwreck of lies, blown out of proportion promises, and "I know everything" BS.
The crash and burn countdown started when his script got picked up and should complete itself in about a year when the movie bombs.
Drill baby drill!
actual link
“This movie, it’s going to be huge,” Max said. “I think it’s going to top $40 million, even $70 million. If everything falls into place…”
The author, Eric Brach only has one other story on the box office website (and one numerical compilation)
was it really worth all the douche!
all the millions and millions of gallons they had to eat, drink, and sleep in.
and when they cross the finish line, believing they have just finished the iron man race, they see that all they have done was carry a amillion million gallons of douche up a small hill.
$40 - 70 million? Tugger is out of his mind of he thinks that is going to happen!!
Actually Tucker thinks this is going to do well north of $100m. $200m isn't out of the ballpark, in his opinion.
Sadly, in a world where "Paul Blart, Mallcop" has done $135m, he may be right.
Doesn't excuse the fact that he is a raging douchebag.
^^^ Be real, Kevin James ("star" of Paul Blart, Mall Cop) is far more famous and more of a box-office pull than Tucker Aids will ever be. IHTSBIH will not do better than Mall Cop
the die has been cast.
the table has turned.
the mower has been started and the weedeater primed.
the match has been lit, the gun cocked, and stakes raised.
the fat lady is about to sing, and all the brosephs have anted up.
there can be no stopping it now.
the fuse has been lit.
there will now never be a greater douchebag than tucker max, nor has there ever been.
and the world shall soon know.
if you have the same 16 people posting over and over again at Rudius media boards, and..
the same 12 people posting over on the IMDB forums, plus..
the same 6 people who post on this blogger board, (many who are from the same groups above), do you really have an online revolution?
Actually Tucker thinks this is going to do well north of $100m. $200m isn't out of the ballpark, in his opinion.
How's your AIG stock doing?
the problem with the movie is that people are going to see it and see tucker's doucheiness and it will be hard for his 7 or so viacom-funded fanboys to post enough fake posts convincing them it didn't suck.
i like how he only lets his close friends and girls who swallow random cum to review the film.
that is how george lucas made star wars famous--he only let his friends review it. it is also what made the god father good and lead to the success of the indiana jones franchise.
The movie will do well. Not earth shattering, but it will have a theatrical release.
What you guys fail to realize is that Tucker is not the lead in this movie. He has a cameo, that's all. The real Tucker is of course a dickhead, but he won't be the one the audience reacts to.
Matt is the person they will like. Meeting the real Tucker will be the letdown for fans of the film and reporters.
I'd expect an announcement very soon about distributor.
no matter how well the movie does, it will not do well, as it is not getting distribution but only douchestribution.
Matt Douchesky is a Douchebag too.
He can only make money by making fun of overweight girls and belitting asisans.
Take that away, and what does he have? A girly, douchey demeanor.
Loooooozers all.
Not one real Hollywood player, nor talented actor nor producer nor director, came anywhere close to this douchetastic trainwreck.
Those who live by the douche shall die by the douche. Esp. 11-1 NKJVB
the internet hates tucker max
tucker got called out on
fark.com
amazon.com
gawker.com
professionalsoldier.com
blogger.com
nypost.com
youtube.com
and hundreds of other sites/blogs.
every single one of his "fan sites," beyond his own which is funded by viacom, thinks he is a giant douchebag.
is epic douchebaggery success?
The movie will do well... I'd expect an announcement very soon about distributor.
Uh, right. You lost me at hello.
The movie will do well... I'd expect an announcement very soon about distributor.
Uh, right. You lost me at hello.
--
/\/\/\
You really don't think the film can get distribution? I know you guys don't like Tucker and that is easy to understand.
But, he's only the writer, not the star, not the director. The film is getting good reviews. Can't you put your personal stuff aside?
http://men.style.com/gq/features/landing?id=content_8558
This article reads like a gospel prophecy of Rudius. It's like Tucker has mind control powers that turned Lenny Dykstra into a carbon copy of his doucheness.
And really, when you think about it, Tucker is every bit of a meathead that Dykstra is, except that Dykstra is well known.
"You really don't think the film can get distribution? I know you guys don't like Tucker and that is easy to understand.
But, he's only the writer, not the star, not the director. The film is getting good reviews. Can't you put your personal stuff aside?"
Saying that Matt Czurchy/curchy/whosky/douchesky has to rely on using midgets as props for publicity is nothing personal--it is a fact. Real actors don't have to do this.
Saying that Tucker will not get distribution but only douchestribution is nothing personal, but it is a fact.
The only people giving the movie positive reviews are:
1) ex porn stars who are in it
2) girls who swallow random cum to get in
3) tucker's viacom fanboys
Please look at the facts, buttboys, and do not get all emotional.
looks like tucker's 2,400 or so twitter fans aren't enought to sell a movie.
2,400 * $10/ticker = $24,000.
but then you have to rent the theater out too.
and his 2400 twitter fans are spread across the whole country/world.
so that would mean renting out a lot of theaters.
at the end of the day you can't just hand distribution companies a bunch of douche.
Check out all the buzz for BRUNO at SXSW!!
http://news.google.com/news?hl=en&q=sxsw%20bruno&um=1&ie=UTF-8&sa=N&tab=wn
One of Tucker's most brilliant moves was snubbing SXSW.
Both Superbad and Bruno/Borat debued clips there. And they brought in hundreds of millions.
Tucker sits there with a completed movie, but he realizes that if regular people actually see it, its value will go down, as they see how much it sucks.
That is probably why he cannot show it at SXSW, nor any clips even.
Now how is this supposed to get distribution???
Another thing is that douche is going out of style. Tucker had his douchetastci window of opportunity to make money off mere douche, but he flubbed it.
This is how you market a movie:
"Fans of Borat who have been worried that Sacha Baron Cohen's new film, Bruno, would be a step down in quality can relax. Universal Pictures showed 20 minutes of footage to a small crowd of South By Southwest attendees last night, and the results were explosive. I don't know that I've ever heard an audience so completely lost in loud, helpless paroxysms of laughter. It was the equivalent of doing 20 minutes of cardio. Even if some of what we saw doesn't make it into the final cut (due in theaters July 10), it bodes exceedingly well for the movie's fortunes.
Universal assured us we were the first people anywhere to see these scenes, and they were introduced by Baron Cohen himself ... on video, anyway. Using a highly exaggerated upper-class British accent ("Bruno is a funny old chap"), Baron Cohen filmed segments specifically for SXSW in which he explained what we were about to see in each of the three sequences. "--http://www.cinematical.com/2009/03/16/live-from-sxsw-bruno-footage-is-20-minutes-of-comedic-bliss/
http://www.allheadlinenews.com/articles/7014449477
"SXSW Slowly Becoming A Choice Destination To Premiere Films"
Wahoooooo!!! But not Tucker Max!
No wayyyyy. No sirreee.
He douches his own way on his own time.
Tucker Max does not go to the douche. The douche comes to him.
To the person who said Tucker was only the writer...did you read the screenplay?
It was really awful. I doubt, unless there's a huge revamp, anyone could turn that into something funny. It's so bad and people are so delusional for thinking it was good.
There's a reason why Jesse Bradford immediately liked it...look at the scripts he said yes to. I mean Swim Fan was an excellent choice, right? Oh.
Please look at the facts, buttboys, and do not get all emotional.
3/18/2009 6:18 AM
That's the height of comedy right there. The buttboys and the anti-butt boys, neither reside in the "reality based community", to steal a term from liberal political commentators. This site in particular is in more of a bubble than Sarah Palin's campaign headquarters. Except the aim and agenda is monumentally more meaningless and pathetic. Clearly no one here is feeling the crunch of this recession. Keeping files and records on Tucker has to be an independently wealthy mans game. Thinking and writing and looking up websites about Tucker more than your average bear is surely harmful to your mental health. But don't be dissuaded, and definitely don't stop thinking about Tucker. Because just like God makes us cry to gain his power by drinking the sweet milk of our tears. I bask in the wasted moments, the delicious minutes of wasted life and time gone forever. What I'm really dying for is another long comment on Tucker's connection to Viacom and Viacoms stock and all that. Throw in some recent research ad maybe a mention of Ryan Holiday and I'll read it and think about you, thinking about Tucker. The pathetic circle completed, I will probably nap or something.
TAT
while it is impossible to be entertained by douchebags, it is possible to be entertained by calling them out.
tucker max represenst the pinnacle of AIG/Fannae Mae/viacom/Freddie Mac corruption so in calling him out we are calling them out. Tucker put a face on our era of supreme douchebaggery. He became a commodity, trademark, and symbol of something greater than himself--of corruption, selfishness, greed, anal, evil, and douche--a pure child of the boomer's best intentions.
not only is tucker running the entertainment world, but he is also doucheifying our financial system, privatizing all eeh profits for his duke and u of c fanboys (i bet some are at AIG right now,m reciving millions in taxpayer dollars for their degrees in douchebaggedness!), while socializing the risk. this wealth transfer is accomplished by making fun of overweight girls, belitting asians, and using sex with midgets to bolster his book sales, in the same way jessie bradford and matt douchesky have resorted to using sex with midgets to bolster their careers as failed actors.
all this would be great, but it seems like the people are starting to call out AIG/tucker max/bailouts for duke and u of c douchebags who secretly film anal sex with unkowing girls and then lose the tapes.
so in many ways the posters here are revolutionaries.
long before the AIG trials/protests, the founder of this blog began by calling out duke and u of c douchebaggery.
there was a giant bubble in douchebaggery, and the brave souls here were the first to see it. and unfortunately for tucker/viacom/donnie darko/doucheo, the bubble o' douche is deflating faster than he can get his flailing douchieness into theaters--even with his tiny, little hands holding onto the 48 laws of power for douchebags.
TAT, you are a fucking moron.
And reality based community??? PLEASE. As if reality allows an idiot like Barney Frank to continue to force banks to make loans to people who have no business EVER buying houses.
You really don't think the film can get distribution? I know you guys don't like Tucker and that is easy to understand.
But, he's only the writer, not the star, not the director. The film is getting good reviews. Can't you put your personal stuff aside?
No, I think Tucker is going to have a difficult time finding a distributor. Outside of this blog and Tucker's website, most folks have never heard of him. Despite being on the NYT Supplemental Bestseller List, the sum total of all books sold remains paltry.
Let's take a gander at his core audience: Most simply outgrow him, which puts a low ceiling on the population that actually purchased a copy of IHTSBH. For anecdotal evidence, look at his website churn, which is extremely high even by Internet standards. Another large population (mostly Internet-based) is likely underage, barring them from theater purchase. Last, Tucker doesn't travel well, as almost all of his sales and Internet page requests are from within the borders of the United States.
Does this sound like a something a distributor will spend serious money promoting?
if i were a distributor i would take one look at bob gosse's track record and sign aboard.
especially since he has directed so many successful comedies.
I think the movie will be a hit. Anyone want to wager some cash?
TAT, you are a fucking moron.
And reality based community??? PLEASE. As if reality allows an idiot like Barney Frank to continue to force banks to make loans to people who have no business EVER buying houses.
3/18/2009 1:14 PM
You didn't mentioned Ryan Holiday, and your comment wasn't near long enough. Those are my two biggest complaints right now. To be honest it didn't even sound like you did any research or even cracked your files. I'm not mad, just disappointed.
TAT
who is ryan holdiay and what does he have to do with anything?
TATGuy, I'm TAT, you're TAMTAT, I'll KTAT, and you KTAMTAT. Anyway, I'm back to TAT now. KTAMTAYTAMTAT, TATGuy.
Just dissapointed? LMAO. Tatguy is actually pretty funny!
never was so much douche used during the filming of a movie.
douche in the morning
douche in the evening
douche at supper time
be my little douchebag
and i'll be y'all's the time.
i bet they get douchestribution and end up getting the film in douchedance in utah. then it will go on to win a douchescar and a douchen globe.
they will make a doucheumentary on how the douchepak doucheified hollywood.
duke will change its name to duche and the u of c will become the u of douche.
we will all be eating douche-soaked poopcorn, laughing at doucheified jokes taken from american pie and van wilder.
can't wait for the news--straight to dvdouche and into the $1 douchebin at blockbuster.
Is this story real?
"Tucker Max's Night At The Manhole
I just experienced a Saturday evening like no other. There was quite a bit of debauchery, hot sex, and vomiting before the unbelievable night was over.
I grabbed a quick bite to eat at the Popeye's fast food chicken restaurant to fill my belly to start out my evening. I then returned to my studio apartment in the Boys Town section of Chicago at around 7:00 PM and started pounding a couple bottles of Colt 45. Why Colt 45? Because I needed to get drunk fast, and there's nothing chicks like better than a drunken fool who's already plastered by 9 PM on a Saturday evening.
At around 8:30 I headed over to Wrigleyville to the Cubby Bear bar. As I was alone I realized I would need to turn on the charm if I was going to get some chicks. I saw a group of college-aged girls and went in for the kill. I went right up to them and said "Hey bitches! Who is going to suck me off tonight!!!" The girls all got disgusted looks on their faces. Perplexed, I blurted out "Don't you know who I am? I'm Tucker Max!!!" One of the girls, a redhead, replied "I don't know who the fuck you are! Get out of my face, faggot!" I responded "But I have a popular website. I love you!" The redhead called me a faggot again and I walked away. 0 for 1 so far, but the night wasn't over.
I then went up to the bar and ordered a Bud Light. After I received my beer and had a few sips I started feeling a little queasy. Unfortunately the combination of Popeye's chicken, Colt 45, and the Bud Light was not sitting well in my stomach. About 10 second later I started spewing all over the bar and was quickly escorted out of the bar by a couple bouncers who threw me out of the bar and into a big muddy puddle.
I thought to myself, "This night isn't going very well." But the night was still young.
I decided to visit a bar where I was sure to get some action, the Manhole, a gay bar only a couple blocks from my apartment.
I arrived at the Manhole, waited in line for about 15 minutes, paid the cover, and then walked right in. I was immediately greeted by the regulars inside who started chanting my name, repeating "Tucker... Tucker... TUCKER... TUCKER!!!" It felt nice to be so loved.
Phillip and Lance, two nice young men who dance at the Manhole every weekend, came up to me and hugged me. Phillip then went and bought me a Miller Light while Lance grabbed my ass and dragged me out onto the dance floor. Lance was slow-dancing so close to me when Phillips came up behind me with the Miller Light and started grinding his erect penis against my ass. One thing led to another and before I knew it Lance, Phillips, and I were in the second bathroom stall in the Men's room! Being double-teamed by Lance and Phillip felt so good and was incredibly hot for me. Both of them pumped away for what seemed like 30 minutes until dumping their loads inside me. A couple random men also walked into the bathroom and took their turns as well. Within an hour or so, my butthole was holding more "semen" than a battleship!
When they were finally done, I got dressed and limped out of the bar in obvious pain. After arriving at my tiny studio apartment, I turned on my computer and logged into my website, www.tuckermax.com, and typed in a story about how I had spend the evening fucking two hot babes I met at the Cubby Bear. If only the visitors to my website knew the truth!!! Luckily, my secret is safe from those mindless fools."
Does this look familiar to anyone? John Thomas Horne circulated this around the internet before Sushi Pants was ever conceived. Vanguards of Modern Lit have all the originality, don't they?
A chronology of events for Saturday, November 20, 2004 and the early morning hours of Sunday, November 21, 2004:
6:00 a.m. Arise, play the Gator Fight Song at full-freaking blast while engaging in pre-game calisthenics.
6:20 Get in car, begin drive to Tallahassee.
6.28 (crack open first beer)
6.45 Crack open second beer
7:08 Crack open...(you get the idea)
9:18 I have been singing Brooks and Dunn tunes for over an hour. My truck-mate is tired of my singing. He suggests that perhaps Brooks and Dunn have written other good songs besides \"You're Going to Miss Me When I'm Gone\" and \"Neon Moon\" and that maybe listening to only those two songs, ten times each was a bit excessive. Perhaps, he suggests, I could just let the CD play on its own.I tell him to f**k off and restart \"Neon Moon.\"
10:35 Headed for \"Joke Shamble Stadium\".
10:50 Buy three 18-packs for pre- and post-game festivities
11:10 We decide we don't have enough booze, so we double-back to a liquor store and buy the good ol' 750 ml plastic bottle \"Traveler\" Jim Beam
11:50 Arrive at the tailgate spot. Awesome day. Not a single cloud in the sky. About 70 degrees. My truckmate, against my loud and profane protestations, parks on the top floor of a nearby parking garage. I tell him he's an idiot. I tell him we will never get out. I tell him we may as well pitch a f___ing tent here. He ignores me. I think he's still pissed about the Brooks and Dunn tunes. I whistle \"Neon Moon\" loudly.
11:55 I decide that we're going to kick the s**t out of the Criminoles.
11:56 I tell my first Criminole fan to go f**k himself.
12:00 I am rallying. I have 4 warm beers stuffed in my pants. We're going to kick the s**t out of Florida State.
12:15 The Gator band walks by on the way to the stadium. We're hooting and hollering like wildmen. The band doubles back to the street right below us and serenades us with the Gator Fight Song and We are the Boys... AWESOME MOMENT!!
12:25 In the post-serenade serendipity, 50-100 grown men are bumping chests with one another, each and every one of them now secure and certain of the fact that we are going to kick the s**t out of Florida State.
1:00 The Florida State band walks by on the way to the stadium. Again, we hoot and holler like wildmen. Again, the band doubles back and stops right below us to serenade us, this time, however, with the Florida State fight song. Although somewhat impressed by their spirit and verve, we remain convinced that we are going to kick the s**t out of Florida State.
1:30 I begin the walk to the stadium somehow managing to stuff the \"Traveler\" and 11 cans of beer into my pants.
1:47 I am in line surrounded by Florida State fans. They are taunting me.
I am taunting back, still certain that we are going to kick the sh**t out of the criminoles. I decide to challenge a particularly vocal Florida State fan to play what I now call and will forever be remembered as Cell-Phone Flop Out.\"
Remember flop out for a dollar? The rules are similar. I tell this Florida State j**ka*s that if he's so confident in his team, he should \"flop out\" his cell phone RIGHT NOW and make plane reservations to Miami for the Orange Bowl. And then I spoke these memorable words: \"And not those damn refundable tickets, either! You request those non-refundable, non-transferable sons-of-bi***es!\" He backs down. He is unworthy. I call Delta Airlines and buy two tickets to Miami non-refundable and non-transferable. Price: $712. He is humbled. He lowers his head in shame.
I raise my cell phone in triumph to the cheers of hundreds of Gator fans. I am KING and these are my subjects. I distribute the 11 beers in my pants to the cheering masses. I RULE the pre-game kingdom.
2:34 Kickoff. Brimming with confidence, I open the Traveler and pour my first stiffy.
2:45 I notice something troubling: Florida State is big. Florida State is fast. Florida State is very pissed off at Florida. Florida State scores.
3:01 I share my beer with two high school girls sitting behind me. Surprisingly, they are equipped with a flask full of vodka. I send them off to purchase Sprites, so that we may consume their vodka. I have not lost faith. Florida State is a bunch of pu**ies.
3:15 Florida State scores again. No more vodka. The young girls sitting behind me have fled for their lives.
3:16 Score is Florida State 14, Florida 0. I am beginning to lose faith. This normally would trouble me, but I am too drunk to see the football field.
3:30 I call Delta Airlines: \"I'm sorry, sir. Those tickets have been confirmed and are non-refundable and non-transferrable.\"
3:33 I walk to the bathroom while drinking Bud Light out of a can. I am stopped by an usher: \"Where did you get that, sir?\" There is no alcohol allowed in the Stadium. I tell him (no s**t): \"Oh, the cheerleaders were throwing them up with those little plastic footballs.
Would you mind throwing this away for me?\" I take the last swig and hand it to him. He is confused. I pretend I'm going to the bathroom, but I run away giggling instead. I duck into some entrance to avoid the usher, who is now pursuing me. I sneak into a large group of people and sit down. The usher walks by harmlessly. I am giggling like a little girl. I crack open another can of Bud Light.
3:47 I am lost. In my haste to avoid the usher, I have lost my bearings. I have no ticket stub. I cannot find my seats. Florida is losing. Florida
is being screwed by the refs. I am enraged. I have cleared out the seats around me because I keep removing my hat and beating the surrounding chairs with it. A concerned fan asks if I'm OK and perhaps I shouldn't take it so seriously. I tell him to f**k off.
4:02 After the fourth consecutive \"worst f***ing call I have EVER seen,\" I attempt to remove my hat again to begin beating inanimate objects. However, on this occasion I miscalculate and I thumbnail myself in my left eyelid, leaving a one-quarter inch gash over my eye. I am now bleeding into my left eye and all over my shirt. \"Perhaps,\" I think to myself, \"I'm taking this a bit seriously.\"
4:07 I am standing in the bathroom peeing. I'm so drunk I am swaying and grunting. I have a bloody napkin pressed on my left eye. My pants are bloody. I have my (formerly) white shirt wrapped around my waist. I look like I should be in an episode of Cops.
4:12 I try to start a fight with every person behind the concession counter. As it turns out, no beer is sold in the stadium. I am enraged by
this policy. I ask loudly: \"Why the f**k didn't you announce this over the f***ing PA system??!!\"
5:35 I have been wandering for over an hour trying to find my seat.
5:55 Under 2 minutes left in the game. Back in my seat, I am slumped in my chair in defeat. All of a sudden, the Florida crowd goes absolutely nuts. \"Whazzis?,\" I mutter, awaking from my coma, \"Iz we winnig? Did wez scort?\" Alas, the answer is yes-Florida scores on a 82 yard run and we were setting up for an onside kick! Gators recover...throw and the receiver takes off for a 20 yard run into the end zone!!! Gators go wild!!! The Stadium shakes (it's such a piece of s**t that I'm afraid it will collapse and crush us all) I cheer wildly. I pick up the empty Traveler bottle and stick my tongue in it. I am thirsty.
6:02 6 seconds on the clock. The crowd is hushed...Zook is going for two...hand off to the tailback...he's running, he's falling, he's pushing for the line with 6 Criminoles on his back. There's a pile and with all eyes on the refs...THE HANDS GO UP!!!! THE GATORS WIN!!! THE GATORS WIN!!!!
6:16 Florida Fans fans are going berserk as I walk back to the truck. I would taunt the Semenholes with some off-color remarks about their parentage, but I am too drunk to form complete sentences.
7:05 With my one good eye, I have located the parking garage. I walk up six flights of stairs, promise that when I see my friend I will punch him in the face for making me walk up six flights of stairs, find the truck, and collapse in a heap in the bed of the truck. I look around and notice that traffic is lined up all the way around the garage, six whole flights, and no one is moving. I take a nap.
7:17 I awake from my nap. I see my friend in the driver's seat. I lift my head to look out the bed of the truck and notice that traffic is lined up
all the way around the garage, six whole flights, and no one is moving. I am too tired to punch my friend. I call my friend a \"Stupid c**ks**ker.\"
7:19 I lift my head to look out the bed of the truck and notice that traffic is lined up all the way around the garage, six whole flights, and no one is moving. I call my friend a \"Stupid c**ks**ker.\"
7:22 I lift my head to look out the bed of the truck and notice that traffic is lined up all the way around the garage, six whole flights, and no one is moving. I call my friend a \"Stupid c**ks**ker.\"
7:24 I lift my head to look out the bed of the truck and notice that traffic is lined up all the way around the garage, six whole flights, and no one is moving. I call my friend a \"Stupid c**ksu**er.\"
7:42 I am jostled. The truck is moving. I lift my head to look out the bed of the truck and notice that traffic is beginning to move on the second floor. I jump out of the truck, walk to the edge of the parking facility, and pee off the sixth floor onto the street below. My friend looks at me
like I just anally violated his minor sister. I turn around pee on the front of his truck while singing the lyrics to \"Neon Moon.\"
7:55 We are out of beer. I jump from the truck and go from vehicle to vehicle until someone gives me two beers. I am happy. I return to my vehicle.I crack open a beer. It is warm. I don't care.
8:32 We have stopped for gas. I am hungry. I go inside the store. I walk past the beer frig. I notice a Zima. I've never had a Zima. I wonder if
it's any good. I pull a Zima from the frig. I twist the top off and drink the Zima in three swallows. Zima sucks. I replace the empty bottle in the frig.
8:39 There is a Blimpie Subs in the store. I walk to where the ingredients are, where the person usually makes the sub. There is no one there. I lean over the counter and scoop out half a bucket of black olives. I eat them. I am still hungry. I lean further over the counter and grab approximately two pounds of Pastrami. I walk out of the store grunting and eating Pastrami. The patrons in the store fear me. I don't care.
9:16 I'm sleepy. I fall asleep in the truck humming Neon Moon.
7:25 am My neighbor's poodle wakes me by lifting his leg on my head. My friend has dumped me on my front lawn where I slept soundly through the night. I roll over and see the morning paper...headline \"GATORS BEAT 'NOLES\". It will be a great day!!
What Tucker fans fail to understand about people who hate on Tucker Max.
1. Tucker entertains us greatly. Just not in the way that he thinks.
2. You seem to think that Tucker is going to do something or hit some mark that will suddenly validate himself and change our opinions. That won't happen because whether Tucker wins or loses in these imaginary games of ego, we will still think he is a giant toolshed.
3. If you think money will validate his success and prove us wrong then we would have "lost" the day he was born. He's been rich his whole life and will inherit a restaurant chain and real estate worth tens of millions of dollars - with or without a movie release.
4. When his movie is released the box office total is irrelevant to us. If it makes $200,000,000 that will mean that Tucker will become even more of a dickhead and have greater public exposure. The end result? More entertainment for all of us. If it makes just $73,012, Tucker will explain how $73,012 is the new $200,000,000 and we will all be entertained once again.
5. The whole "I'll show them" Tucker mentality doesn't work with us. Show us what? We already seen enough and what we saw is awesome. Just not "awesome" in the way you wanted it to be.
6. Are his stories true? Who fucking cares. He's an asshole and makes us laugh.
7. He works for us. We do not work for him.
8. Is his book successful? 100% -- But I'm not sure why I'd buy something that is available for free online. Just sayin'
9. Will Tucker Max be a household name someday? We sure as shit hope so 'cause we all needs me some funny 24/7, and Tucker Max cracks us up. Just not in the way he thinks.
10. Are we glad Tucker Max was born? Hell yeah, just as long as he keeps his spittle and his tiny little hands away from us.
Dance, Monkey Boy, Dance!!!
"I was at the screening, and I disagree.
Not one offer was even spoken about after the film was shown. Not one industry person walked out of the film saying: "we need to own this movie".
2nd: Not one of the major distribution outlets in Hollywood were at the movie. Most of the companies were of the "straight to DVD" variety. Not even Lion's Gate showed up. But okay, it was a remarkable success because I was sitting next to the assistant to the VP of whatever of that great distribution company "Epic Pictures Group", and to the right of me sat an intern from Grindstone entertainment group who was there because he was a "huge fan of Tucker's and nobody else from Grindstone seemed to want to go.
2nd, in a somewhat dead market for distributors who are LOOKING FOR PROJECTS, nobody is anxious to pull the trigger on this project. Money isn't fluid like it was 5-10 years ago, so risky projects with no names attached coming from below average talent with dubious records of success (yes, distributors understand what "suplemental" means) aren't likely to be bought. Why do you think Tucker had his fans all over a "distributor" premiere? Did he think that distributors might not realize what cross section he HAND PICKED TO BE THERE?
Distribution is not like the Amazon.com list, and Tucker is seriously mistaken if he thinks any real distributors were impressed by his riff-raff dog and pony show."
You mean Tucker didn't pull the wool over the eyes of anybody besides his douchetastic fans?
To the above poster ^^^ Can you put the link where this came from, or is this just from you.
matt douchesky!
matt whosky!
jessie doucheford!
no distribution for you!
fire your agent and stop wearing makeup!
get a clue!
if you were a distributor, why would you want to work with tucker?
he tells everybody everything/blogs about it, and blames everyone else for his own ineptitude like he did with his own director.
why would a distributor want kung fu mike hounding them for a crappy film which missed its 2004 window by five years?
"There is no den in the wide world to hide a rogue. Commit a crime and the earth is made of glass. Commit a crime, and it seems as if a coat of snow fell on the ground, such as reveals in the woods the track of every partridge, and fox, and douchebag, and squirrel." --Ralph Waldo Emerson
We're still breathlessly awaiting that distribution deal, Tucker.
I know you're lurking. Why don't you post a new timeline on your message board?
matt douchesky and girl-man jessica bradford are learning what happens when you demean people--inclduing overweight girls, asians, and midge-s-for publicity and private profit.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1220628/board/flat/132835158?p=1
If Nils had an ounce of intelligence, he'd take his experience and look for a new gig (it seems he may have actually learned something about the movie making process and industry) and throw Otto under the bus.
I've got a fever...
I've got a fever...
I've got a fever...
Nils is in fact the dominant talent as the film goes. He wrote the first draft of the script and was deeply involved with every aspect of both pre and post production.
It was Nils who sat in the editing room while Tucker sat on his couch after knee surgery. The surgery could have been scheduled for any date, but Tucker scheduled it for right after the film wrapped. Pretty convenient.
Nils is easy to get along with, hence people want to work with him. Tucker is a difficult person and a loud-mouth know-it-all jerk. People only deal with him if they have no other choice. Why do you think Tucker was thrown off the set?
Tucker's lack of involvement in post production is also a safety net. Anything that goes wrong he can blame on someone else. "I learned a valuable lesson. Never trust people who don't know what they are doing" blah blah
I look forward to the film.
^^^^^
Nils is hardly a "talent". Have you read his original writing?
Nils is there only because Tucker is a very lazy person. There's a reason why he wrote the majority of the script with Tucker, and that's because Tucker is lazy. This line has been said over and over again by a lot of people in the industry who have been privvy to watching him work.
"He's a lazy guy, he doesn't really get stuff done."
He has other people doing things for him, and Nils has only been around long enough because he's an even bigger scumbag then Tucker. Yes, the doors of Hollywood are "open" to him, in that he can now go to Bob Gosse or Darko and show off his newest script (whenever that actually gets written). It means nothing since he's a shitty writer with questionable "talent". Sure there are a lot of Hollywood writers who are shit, but at least they didn't write "IHTSBIH". His only saving grace is that he can put up with Tucker over the long haul.
"Talent" and the movie "I Hope THey Serve Beer In Hell" are mutually exclusive.
Nils eats his lack of talent.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/27429889@N00/102859322
Which one do you think he tried to fuck first? The ugly black girl, the fat girl, or the slightly less hideous redhead who he called "babe"?
More importantly, which one did he claim was "like, really hot and stuff"?
http://tuckermaxx.blogspot.com/2005/05/this-little-hottie-owes-me-new.html
http://www.blueblood.net/boards/showthread.php?p=179793#post179793
"I was trapped in an RV with Tucker Max as he drunkenly sped through Harlem and caused numerous hit and run accidents against parked cars and almost a couple people. He's a grade A shitbag and I will never again contribute to his success.
It was when we all met up in NY for "Tuckerfest" way back in 2001. It was supposed to be for a good number of the messageboard regulars to meet. Tucker rented an RV and him and a bunch of the forum regs, myself included, went driving around. One of the other members threw a beer bottle out the window and it hit an SUV in the next lane who started chasing us through Harlem. Tucker lost control and went banging back and forth up the rows of parked cars on either side. When the camper stopped I jumped out and said fuck you guys, enjoy prison. I was underage at the time and fairly drunk. I walked all the way from the north of Harlem to the Port Authority. Tucker and the crew got arrested and by the time I got home I had been banned from the boards and wasn't even allowed to tell my side while they talked about how I "ran away" at a full sprint like a pussy. Fuck those guys. Fuck 'em all."
...and the only prescription is more cowbell!!!
http://tuckermaxx.blogspot.com/2005/05/this-little-hottie-owes-me-new.html
3/21/2009 3:57 PM
How about a NSFW tag out of courtesy, you fucking faggot?!
http://movies.hsx.com/servlet/SecurityDetail?symbol=IHTSB&day_span=all&field=
How much lower will the price on IHTSBIH sink before this filmic abortion goes straight to DVD?
TUCKERMAXDOUCEBAG, I HAVE MISSED YOU SO!
I forgot about this place for a while. My life was incomplete. Let's never part again. At least not until after Tucker's movie comes out. On DVD. Because that's the only way it's coming out.
How about a NSFW tag out of courtesy, you fucking faggot?!
^^^ How about you go fuck your mother, dipshit?
From Mr. Douche himself:
"Well, as with many of my expectations in the movie-making process, it looks like I was wrong again. There was a fourth option--Really Fucking Awesome. I knew about this option from the start but never really considered it because I didn't think anyone else wanted it, so I just dismissed it. But it went from an outside, no-real-chance option, to a maybe, to now it looks like it's the way we are going to go, and I am very very excited about the plan that has been formed."
Translated thru the Reality Filter: "the only interest we had was from three shitty companies, two of whom were straight to video or release under 500 screens. So, instead of facing reality that the movie really isn't that good, and I'm going to look like a fool (again), I'm going to spin this in my favor. After all, what I'm doing is revolutionary, and of course the fact that almost everyone in Hollywood thinks I'm a raging fucktard doesn't matter---I'll show them! I'm Tucker Fucking Max! When I don't get my way I throw a tantrum like a 3 year old girl! Mark Ebner says I'm going to be fucking rich, so there! What do you mean who? Mark Fucking Ebner--you know...oh, you don't? Well fuck you too then--you just won't see the revolution coming. Fucker."
While I always thought that someone might pickup the movie & give it a small run, it now sounds more & more like this is going to be either self-distributed, or a straight-to-DVD (or actually they will try & sell it themselves, directly to their fanboys, via downloads (iTunes anyone?).
Of course I could be wrong, but I'll never be as wrong as Tucker, about so much.
This trainwreck is endlessly amusing.
Why do films at Sundance/SXSW get distribution immediately while Tucker's takes three weeks after people see it?
Word on the street is that Tucker's film is getting a very wide release from a major distributor.
He might be laughing all the way to the bank this time next year.
^^^ I figure this is probably the case. It doesn't change the fact that Tucker's 'art' is silly, nasty stories about grown men acting like children.
Somewhere along the way, western culture began equating popularity and wealth with true, lasting greatness. God help us.
This is actually great news. This means the douchertainment has just been super-sized. I'm getting the popcorn ready.
Check this out douchemaniacs: http://www.apple.com/trailers/wb/thehangover/ It's like Tucker's movie, only done better and funnier.
I call bullshit. Thanks for visiting, Tucker.
You guys this is going to be so big. I can't tell you what's happening now, but the wheels are already in motion. It's going to be fucking huge! I never thought this was possible except only in my wildest dreams. Everyone is going to now refer to me as "NYTBSA Tucker Max: Level 1000 Paradigm Shifter and movie maker based off my NYTBS book of the same name as my movie that was once a book!"
"You know that feeling when your life is about to change for ever? That's the feeling I have right now. I have calculated every angle and focused every decision to make this moment happen.
Seeing my art come to life is amazing. Knowing that I am responsible for like a dozen careers is rewarding. My art has never been about the money. It has only been about the art.
Having trouble sleeping these days. I feel like an arrow in the bow that has been pulled back and is soon about to be released. In a few months everyone will know the name Tucker Max."
HAHAHAHA
^^^Did he really say that? Please tell me he didn't. What's worse is that at this point I can't even tell anymore. It totally sounds like something he'd say.
That line above proves it, Tucker Max is a huge douchebag.
No need for an "exhibit B".
This is actually great news. This means the douchertainment has just been super-sized. I'm getting the popcorn ready.
3/24/2009 5:35 PM
How is this different from Tucker's "all publicity is good publicity and as long as you are talking about me I am winning" philosophy?
So even if he gets all the fame that he thinks he is going to get and gets super popular then you still stay winning huh? Way to preempt the moment of dissapointment, but personally I don't think you have anything to worry about. Tucker is a moron and the movie sucks. No need to take preemptive action, it makes us look all look unsure. I guess there are a lot of ways to turn a loss into a win. For both camps apparently.
TAT
"Tucker is a moron and the movie sucks."
TATGuy, I never thought that I'd read those words coming from your keyboard. Facetious or not, I'm surprised and impressed.
BTW, I'm still thinking about Tucker. And you're thinking about me thinking about Tucker. And thus, all is right with the universe.
Tatfag wasn't being facetious, his whole schtick depends upon the idea that he hates Tucker so much that he discourages people from thinking about Tucker by sarcastically encouraging them to.
^ And quite a schtick it is.
This gets better every day:
"I have been nominated to Time's 100 Most Influential List. No, I'm not kidding, you can even vote for me here. My only goal in this is to move past Zac Efron. I'm only one point away, so get to voting.
-The book is at #3 this week on the best seller list, the highest it's ever been. In it's forth year of publication.
-The last month has been so weird for me in this way: I have been recognized more in this past month than ever before. In the elevator of my building, walking my dog in back trails at Runyon Canyon, at my gym, dozens of times in Vegas--it's like all at once, I went from being recognized once a day at most, to being constantly recognized. Weird. I used to want this attention, but I am not that stupid anymore. I will be glad to pass this stuff to Matt. "
How much fun is it going to be watching Tucker transform into King Dong right before our very eyes. And he's going to be feeding us every detail in hourly / daily blogs? Thank you god!
I give him props on the book sales and movie. Not an easy task.
Oops, before I forget. "forth year of publication." Forth? or fourth? Any writers here?
Tucker should be cruxified.
I used to want this attention, but I am not that stupid anymore. I will be glad to pass this stuff to Matt.
The Future: Aren't you that talentless hack that ruined the career of that sweet kid from Gilmore Girls?
Nobody noticed, but happy 2 year anniversary on this comment forum.
keep thinking about the comment forum
KTATCF
Tucker just released a video showing audience reactions to his movie.
http://www.youtube.com/user/beerinhell
I'm sure the movie is funny. I just don't think I would have chosen to get reactions from the following people.
* Ugly insecure girls
* A guy that looks like Tucker if he had a beard
* A guy that actually worked on the movie as the DP
* One of Tucker's message board moderators
* Tucker's best friend
Don't get me wrong, I will pay to go see this movie. I hope I get a laugh or two. I'm just saying that the video is so biased and weak I wonder who thought it would be agood idea to release this.
KTATTAUTAH
i love how they keep cycling through the same three groups... you can hear a lot of people talking in the background, but no--they are not going to ask them anything.
and it's awesome how all three people repeat themselves with slightly different words.
this is the best they could do?
"KTATTAUTAH
3/28/2009 9:05 AM"
Ooh, I bet I can get this one:
Keep Thinking About Tucker Thinking About Us Thinking About Him.
Am I right? What do I win?
^ You win a free DVD of IHTSBIN. I'd tell ya to have fun watching, but you know...
Great review of IHTSBIH on Amazon.com
http://www.amazon.com/review/R1YFT5DP4LO8FI
By J. Plummer "Higher Education= $1.50 in late charges at the public library"
"First off, I can rest easier at night because I didn't pay a cent for this book. Tucker Max is a self pro-claimed douche who is making money by sharing his tacky sexual exploits and penchant for drunken shenanigans on some website and by writing books like these. Just because he calls himself an a-hole throughout doesn't give him carte blanche with me, but for the most part, he has a specific (woman)target. Because he preys on those that allow him to continue to be a douche, I don't feel sorry for them at all. He makes a good point to women out there when he says "men will treat you the way you let them treat you." For this he gets an extra star. Now I am not saying that men should take this in consideration and that they should put out little effort in hopes to get a payoff, but no self respecting woman would put up with that. There are no victims in this book. You know what? There are. Max thinks he's putting his cards out on the table and proving how much of an a-hole he is (funny or not, with his coup de grace story at the end) but during the book he talks about how his "game" has evolved. Today, he makes no claim to women that he cares about them personally in any way, but when he was young, he did. Naturally, he wouldn't share those stories as they would expose him as more of an unlikeable a-hole than just a goofy scumbag. Anyway, I find sexual humour crass, I find toilet humour low brow, and the two combined nauseating, and that's basically what this whole book contained so I didn't find myself laughing, but that's just me (before I picked this up I had no idea who this clown was). I was also apalled at how this guy's "dish it out, but can't take it" attitude when it came to his women practices. Not to give out too much info but at one point he becomes horrified at the realization that the women (of questionable morals) he pursues might actually be doing the same things with other men that they do to him. Uh, really? Overall, This is it for Tucker Max. For the rest of his life, he's going to only be known for being a total cad. No one will ever take him seriously again. That's it. And you know what? This behaviour does have a shelf life. Aim high, Tucker Max. I'm sure your parents are really proud of you, you walking caricature, you."
Nails it out of the park.
"Overall, This is it for Tucker Max. For the rest of his life, he's going to only be known for being a total cad. No one will ever take him seriously again. That's it. And you know what? This behaviour does have a shelf life. Aim high, Tucker Max. I'm sure your parents are really proud of you, you walking caricature, you."
This pretty much says it all. If the movie doesn't work out, if it's not a "huge hit", if it's just a moderate success or an abject failure, he's done. He's blown his literary wad on a bunch of embellished stories that he claims are his own. On top of that, who is going to hire him now? The words "damaged goods" come to mind, and that's a vast understatement.
He's kind of unstable and doesn't come off like a happy person. An epic failure could drive him to suicide. If this movie tanks I'm putting him into my dead pool.
soon the doucheifaction will be complete
and the man with no name will rise again
I wonder if Tucker Max has paid his Mucker Tax...
I just watched Tucker's video of "audience reactions".
Jesus Christ, what a fucking douche. He gets maybe ten people's take on his movie? How many were in the audience? A hundred? Two hundred? And gets ten people, including some douchebag who worked on the movie who claims that he's going to "laugh that night, not at my wife, but because I just saw a funny movie".
Who the fuck at Darko let Tucker release this video? It does nothing but make it seem like the majority of the audience felt that the film was mediocre at best.
I mean, if it were that gut-bustingly funny, wouldn't he have been able to get at least a few dozen different people to sing the movie's praises?
Tucker wrote, "I don't know these people, and Greg didn't coach their responses at all"
In other words, he knew all of them and hand-picked them, and Greg totally coached their responses.
Tucker Max is the ultimate fucking douchebag.
This is the absolute funniest thing EVER by Tucker:
"The thing that pisses me off is that we had a ton more reaction videos from my trip out east, and the fucking tape corrupted and we couldn't use any. SUCKS. Some of them were really cool."
This is the second time he loses a tape containing validation!
Man, Tucker has bad luck with videotapes, huh?
it is easy to rescue corrupted tapes.
especially in fucking hollywood.
$100-$200 will rescue it.
every word out of tuckers mouth is a fuckin lie.
What kind of" revolutionary artist" even uses tape anymore? There was no tape, kind of like the last time he claimed tape existed.
it is easy to rescue corrupted tapes.
especially in fucking hollywood.
Not at all. Remember the lost butt thex tapes?
What an idiot. Tucker can't even manufacture new lies.
How can a guy who's never been funny a day in his life write a comedy?
Seriously; his stories aren't funny, they're pedantic and nasty. Why would I want to hear stories about another dude having sex and going to the bathroom?
I'll tell you, though... there's no more appealing person to be around than someone who's full of himself.
Was he actually using a tape? I didn't know people still use those video tape recorders. If it's a digicam, how the hell could he corrupt it? Even if you delete something, it's not deleted, and digicams don't really let you "record over" something like a video tape camcorder. I'm not what "the tape corrupted" even means in the context of reality.
I think he meant digital tape.
Reactions seemed vague and fan boi. Hope they have better marketing ideas than this. And I don't mean facebook and myspace alerts either.
As a skeptic from the beginning, I now believe the movie isn't going to be the worst thing ever. I won't pay to see it in any way. I'll download it when it gets leaked (which it will). I'll tell you why.
I was thinking about it and the script to 40 year old virgin was really bad, but the movie was good. Maybe not good, but better than the script. I think that's what will happen here, although to a lesser degree. I think the movie will be better than the script (but that's not saying much because it can't really be worse). At this point, I don't know how successful it will be, but I'm hoping that it flops because Tucker is such an unfunny tool that it hurts humanity. If it succeeds, it won't be because the script was good, which was Tucker's only role in this laughably goofy mess. So it's pointless to discuss until it comes out. We'll just have to wait and see on a site that streams movies for free.
The movie is DOA.
If it doesn't suck so bad, why does Tucker keep going back to his employees and the same three people for opinions? They've screened it to thousands and this is the best they can do.....
DOA.
Honestly, for me the interviews prove that the movie sucks. People say that it's gross and has intelligent dialogue. I dislike toilet humor and "intelligent dialogue" usually means pretentious, contrived hackery. I've read the script, and the dialogues do not appeal to me. Perhaps the movie will do well - audiences have no taste, after all. But it will still suck as a work of art.
If any of you believed for one second that Gawker or that failed script-reader have any idea what they are talking about with regards to comedy or screenplays...well, prepare yourself to read words like that again and again. Like I said then--there is a reason Gawkers writers are poorly paid freelancers and I am a best selling author who invented a new genre
Oh man, if Tucker's newest review is correct, this could be bad. I would love to see that Hamilton guy at Gawker's face right now. He's probably sitting in his tiny apartment thinking "Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck" because while we're all anonymous, that idiot publicly tried to call out Tucker.
It's sort of obvious already that he knows he's fucked because he is afraid to cover Tucker any more. Now Tucker can call him out all he wants. Hamilton's career is probably over.
Man, I'd like to pistol-whip Tucker in the throat. Do you know of anyone else who talks so incessantly about this 'new genre' as he does? Is there anyone besides his circle of sycophants who really thinks of fratire as this amazing new genre with artistic merit and longevity?
That review he posted paints a picture of the movie being a 'hero's journey' and a story about a guy's emergence into maturity and self-awareness. Now are we supposed to beleive that when the character's namesake is Tucker Max? I hope Tucker's not going present himself as well-adjusted or mentally healthy. Is there anyone who regards him as someone whose worldview and value system are to be aspired to? He's a self-proclaimed narcissist (good Lord, he plays the narcissism card almost as much as the 'Duke/U of C' card); I guess next he'll be peddling the benefits and advantages of narcissism instead of learning how to NOT be a narcissist anymore.
Hahahh. That is funny. It is a hero's journey because there is a journey in the film. Hahahah.
A hero is one who assumes a cause greater than himself.
A hero does not film anal sex with girls without telling the girl. In fact, a hero probably does not film anal sex with girls.
A hero does not make fun of innocent asians, overweight girls, and innocent bystanders for publicity and profit.
A hero does not lie about video tapes always being destroyed.
The movie is just like "Star Wars" except
1) there is no darth vader
2) there is no death star
3) there is no r2d2
4) there is no c3po
5) bob gosse has replaced george lucas as director
6) gratuitous visuals of feces and cum has replaced the force
7) there is no land speeder
8) the rebels have been replaced with duke law douchetards
^^ Dude, you just don't get it, do you? This movie is about the raw, feral freedom that comes with being a man. Real men WANT to go to the bathroom in public, and not have to clean it up. Real men want to videotape anal sex. Real men want to sleep with as many women as they can. Real men put their putrid, wasted lives on public display, cite the fact that other real men want to hear their silly, nasty stories, and conclude that they are visionaries of a new artistic paradigm.
Oh... wait.
No, I'm sorry. Those aren't MEN, those are BOYS.
Tucker is a boy.
but after tucker films anal sex without telling the girl about it and makes fun of asians and overweight chicks, he beocmes a man.
while others are off dying for freedom, he is sleeping with other men's wives.
this is how all heroes act.
tucker is transforming movie critics into even bigger douchebags now.
that is a truly heroic undertaking.
tucker is revolutionizing the film industry.
from now on not only will all movies be produced by production companies, but so will all reviews and criticisms of said movies.
this will mostly consist of video tapes cycling through interviews of three people, 2/3 of whom worked on the movie.
other taped interveiws will also be recorded to provide balance and accuracy, but these will be lost.
hahah.
haah.
ha ha. ha.
0% on rottentomatoes.
hahaha
tucker is making this too easy for gawker.
he is calling himself out.
showing he has an empty hand.
playing a pair of deuces and trying to pass it off as a royal flush.
a pair of douches i should say.
I love how Tucker now speaks almost entirely in hyperbole. He's become a poor man's Marvel comic supervillain, only a lot more gayer.
When IHTSBIH earns 100 million and breaks into the IMDB top 100 will you idiots at least realize that it's your time to shut the fuck up?
"playing a pair of deuces and trying to pass it off as a royal flush."
He has a queen high at best. Watch his mad skillz as he tries to bluff you the fuck out.
Tucker Max is a douchebag.
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