The story below was copied from a
Facebook.com account. A link to this story in the comments to an older post awhile ago.
Tucker Max's face, meet Megan ******'s hand
Megan was discussing ball shaving with a nice man at a tailgate. Good start to this story;) NE ways, Tucker Max was also at the tailgate and started talking shit to Megan (he obviously thought she was a hot girl who would sleep w/ him if acted like an asshole, and he was showing off in front of his buddies). Megan hit him on the arm, and he said that meant Megan wanted to fuck him because if she hit him in the face, then he'd know she was mad. She then dissed his elastic waistband (yes, he was wearing elastic waistband shorts, what is he, 12?), and he said "its so stupid bitch whores like you can suck my dick without any confusion." So she slapped him in the face!!!
Tucker threw his drink at her, Candice threw her drink at Tucker with lightning fast reflexes, then he proceeded to grab Megan by her hair and hit her in the face with his pathetically small hands. With a bruised face, and a bruised ego, he took his shriveled penis back to his buddies.
In Tucker Max's own words, "My name is Tucker Max, and I am an asshole." Oh, and he hits girls.
15,917 comments:
«Oldest ‹Older 5001 – 5200 of 15917 Newer› Newest»I like how some of the posters flat out admitted that if they didn't like the movie, they wouldn't have said so to Tucker. What a bunch of asslickers.
Asslickers? Hardly.
I think it's cool that they feed bullshit to Tucker. It'll make the eventual failure that much more sweet.
Seriously guys, we need to all get together and throw a party. A sort of anti-Tuckerfest.
^ I'll bring the lube.
^ You'll also bring the glory hole, apparently.
Arr! Arr. Arr ... Arr, I say Arr.
Ye've read the Harry Potter books, ye think ye know 'em through
But there's something that ye may not know, and here's a little clue:
The female of the Trio has her birthday on
Talk Like A Pirate Day so heads up, Harry and Ron!
When she found out, her eyes she rolled, an' she went on knittin' socks,
But Harry said, "I've got the gold, let's head down to the docks,"
They traded lots o' Galleons for a lovely brigantine,
And now they're her young stallions and she's a pirate queen!
Come here, ye lads and lasses, I tell ye, she's the one,
Give a cheer and raise yer glasses, but not till class is done
Though she's only seventeen, she's smarter than Dumbledore,
Hermione Granger, the Pirate Queen, the pride of Gryffindor!
Her white shirt and black leather they complement her eyes,
A red sash brings it t'gether (and the boots half up her thighs)
Cap'n Hook's a fan and Jack Sparrow thinks it's great,
It's in the books, it's canon, so let's all celebrate!
Hoist the mainsil', wind the capstan, give it all ye got,
The firewhiskey and th' captain both are really hot,
Here's a Happy Birthday to the girl that we adore,
Hermione Granger, the Pirate Queen, the pride of Gryffindor!
She taxidermied Pettigrew, and on the bridge he sat,
'Cause after all, what pirate ship doesn't have a rat?
She Incarcerous'd young Malfoy so he could not escape,
And one Petrificus later, she made him walk the Snape!
Dolohov she'll finish off, and Bellatrix she'll foil,
Lucius'll land in Azkaban and likewise Crabbe and Goyle,
She laughs at danger, thinks it's keen -- bring on Voldemor -- TT!
Hermione Granger, the Pirate Queen, the pride of Gryffindor!
Now here's the part we talk about with whom she's lockin' lips,
'Cause after all, a pirate queen has got to have her 'ships,
Some say Harry's her true love, or Ron she will betroth,
She finally cried, "I can't decide, I'll have to have 'em both!"
Who's the sassy bossy witch that all the boys pursue?
Grander than the Golden Snitch and more elusive too.
One may Seeker, one may Keeper, both know how to score, with
Hermione Granger, the Pirate Queen, the pride of Gryffindor!
And so the Seven Seas she sails, in deadly hot pursuit
of getting perfect O.W.L.s and aceing every N.E.W.T.
Some think she's just a bookworm, but I am here ta say
She's got this pirate thing down cold every natal day!
Come here, ye lads and lasses, I tell ye, she's the one,
Give a cheer and raise yer glasses, but not till class is done
She'll go down in history, the one we're singin' for,
Hermione Granger, the Pirate Queen, the pride of Gryffindor!
Hermione Granger, the Pirate Queen, the pride of Gryffindor!
( -tom smith)
What?
what the HELL was that shit?
Dare to Dream
Freedom is not some coffee-shop cause célèbre close to the heart of blue rinse glamour stars in old Yulai. And its not a trendy principle with sassy lyrics from teen-bop holovid channels in the Forge. Neither is freedom an easy lover to complement your wisdom and sensitivity and essential enlightened perfection in flawless relationships and satisfyingly safe reality.
Freedom is a jagged bitch, a barbed-wire dream of agony and yearning. Freedom is a wide-bore firearm clutched in shaking hands and pointed close at the face of God. Freedom is a siren scream to pierce the heart and banish ease and complacency forever. Freedom is the memory of sweet and addictive possibility that becomes encompassing obsession: a brutal march of inevitable destruction of all that stands against her burning eyes and driving song.
The Star Fraction
The Star Fraction is a tight-knit roving alliance dedicated to terrorizing and destroying the enemies of freedom. The Star Fraction's founding corporation, Jericho Fraction, is currently seeking mature pilots with an appetite for enduring revolution and bright acts of creative destruction.
We have no desire to hold territory or allow a static infrastructure to impede us. We are under no obligation to police or restrict space and maintain no interest in POS deployment contests and tedious blob warfare. The Star Fraction is a highly mobile and ideologically motivated guerrilla warfare operation that prizes flair and courage alongside tactical skill and innovative combined ops strategies. Small unit engagement and rapid tactical response is our specialty: combat where the individual has an opportunity to shine and pilot skill truly matters.
Jericho Fraction is a corporation of wide fame and notoriety with a long history of fighting imperialism, territorialism and statism stretching back five years to the now legendary opening months of the capsuleer diaspora. Jericho Fraction has a recruitment policy that does not discriminate against newer pilots on the basis of skill measurements and experience alone, but expects enthusiasm, personality and revolutionary fervor alongside the commitment to fight hard for the cause of capsuleer liberation. With an active community, vibrant comm channels, a kind and friendly atmosphere, Jericho Fraction seeks to enhance its members relationships by developing camaraderie and teamwork. A mix of veteran freecaptains and starry-eyed anarcho-capitalist bravos with their eyes on the future, Jericho Fraction brings style and panache to the business of guerrilla operations and death to puling lackeys across the face of the star cluster.
The Star Fraction believes that the capsule, which endows us with such empyrean capabilities as the transcendence of death, the wealth of nations and the ability to traverse the entire star cluster in a few hours, represents an unprecedented quantum leap for our species, and consequently the millennia-old social and political systems of the old empires are no longer appropriate to the transcendent reality of our capsuleer identity. These legacy concepts are slow to yield however from the cowed nation-states to new pod pilot factions created in their image; and we hold this to be poisonous to our fullest potential as a new breed of aspirant posthumans with our eyes on the future.
Behind all the dashing bravado in space, we have a formidable logistical backbone in the form of a heavy capital fleet and first-class high technology portfolio featuring a variety of advanced ship, drone, module and ammunition production, ensuring we can swiftly deploy significant forces and a cutting-edge war machine to any base of our choosing. Anyone interested in fighting the good fight should have 2 to 3 months experience in space. Exceptions will be made for candidates that do not meet these criteria but display outstanding comprehension of our ideology and personal willpower to realize it.
The general contacts for The Star Fraction are Jade Constantine, The Cosmopolite and Tara Armitage.
Alliance Recruitment Officers are Tareen Kashaar and slugdo masada. Recruitment applications will initially be dealt with by these members and general inquiries about the recruitment can be addressed to them, as well as the general alliance contacts.
"...God is cunning. One might think that the frontier is safe and clear of his intrigues and influence. One might look at the open skies and endless stars and imagine that freedom is within your grasp and hope, but then one day a group of starships will find you and announce by local communications that space belongs to an empire now and you must pay a toll and submit or be destroyed. Then you'll know that God's will is contagious and carried like a vermin-plague in the psyche of the weak and the credulous to begin the twisted stuff of hierarchy all over again in the virgin territories of possibility. Then you'll know the truth of the struggle. Resist or be God’s slave in the hierarchies of eternity, kneel and live in chains or rise and fight with every breath for a fleeting birthright of freedom."
– Jade Constantine, Executor, Star Fraction
Hawkwind cocks her head. "Clothin goff, i think." she reaches
behind her and comes back with a knife. "stand still."
Lucius wakes up as he bangs his head on the wall, RL, and thinks
it must be bedtime. G'night.
Hawkwind grins and stands
Hawkwind mrfs at lucius.
Hawkwind says "I didnt even get to hug you properly."
Lucius hugs the bejeebers out of Hawkwind, giving her a good grope and a kiss
in the process.
Sacien takes in a deep breath and stands still "Err.. nice blades"
Hawkwind eeeeps and grins and hug and kisses. "goodnight hun."
Lucius hugs the other folk if they like, and poofs.
Lucius goes home.
Lucius has left.
Hawkwind grins. "now."
Hawkwind takes Sacien's hand, and toys the knifetip along the back of it.
"Do blades scare you?"
Sacien looks down at the knife for a few moments "Depends on where they are,
mostly.. otherwise, yeah, kinda."
Hawkwind smiles, and draws the blade lightly over his skin, barely pressing
against it.. "Does this scare you?"
Linnet moves to step behind sacien "is it ok Hawkwind if I add my contribution
and then go home? I need to go but I don't wanna stop you. but I fear the game
is over afterwards then anyways.
Sacien shakes his head slightly, keeping his eyes locked on the knife "Not really..
kinda tickles"
Hawkwind smiles and nods to Linnet. "go ahead." She slowly slides the blade up
and under the cuff of Sacien's shirt. "Have you ever heard the sound of cloth
ripping from a knife?"
Linnet moves to add a blindfold over Sacien's eyes, a soft black velvet one,
and smiles at Hawkwind "this will make the sensation stronger..
Hawkwind grins. "Indeed it will."
Hawkwind tugs hard suddenly, and hte knife yanks on teh sleeve cuf adn
then cuts, with a rrriiiIIIIIIPPPP sound as she slits up the arm.
"Of course," Sacien replies in a dull and uninterested tone.
"What do you take me to be, some sort of mongoloid? One cannot have lived much
beyond the age of five and not heard the sound of cloth being torn by a sharp
blade. You do like blades, don't you? It's obvious as to why. Just look at it -
long, thick, phallic in shape, powerful and masculine in purpose. With a but a
flick it can kill, but at the same time it can be used to restore life.
Quite a powerful message, don't you think?"
He, at this point, reaches far into his trousers and removes an enormous,
fake cock - the sort you'd find in a 'Troma' film, really. He proceeds to wave
it about, giggling like a schoolgirl.
Linnet has to go.. a good play..
Linnet blinks.
Hawkwind shakes her head and smiles. "I am sorry. I don't quite deal with
randomness like this. Have a good night.
Hawkwind has left.
Fairchild has arrived.
Fairchild is far from a large woman, she is just a fraction of an inch over
5 foot tall in her bare feet. An almost dainty doll like young woman. Due to her
height she must look up at most men and woman who talk to her, looking up with
those crystal blue eyes. Her head is crowned with a magnificent mane of waive
golden hair, soft as silk falling all the way down to her rump. Despite being
so small she has a lovely body. it is the kind of that body that seems almost
to be four feet of legs alone. The kind of legs men dream about --- long and
slender and flawlessly tapered from her lush hips to her tiny ankles and dainty
feet. Her waist is so tiny that a man could circle it with his fingers, but her
hips fill out nicely. Between them nests a sweet sight, some kind soul has taken
the time to shave the mound of her sex bare, leaving it (much to the small
woman's embarrassment) open for public inspection. The flesh here is not tan,
so the triangle where her woman's hair was in a soft pink, as are the lips
of her tight little cunt.. She has the most prefect ass, a tight little
bubble of woman flesh that juts out as tight and as firm as a schoolgirl's.
It seems almost to beg to have a hand on it, beg stroke me, pinch me, slap me.
Her bust size is very large for a woman her size and against her small frame
they make her look top heavy. She is blessed with large tits, standing out
like a pair of twin globes high on her chest. Round and full and with hardly
a sign of sag to them. Each crowned with a plump darkly tanned, armond shaped
nipple that seems to grow stiffer as you look at it. The kind you could hang
your hat on. Their size seems to match her bust size rather than her own body size,
so look very large on her. Her skin is a golden tan like some one has taken the
time to strip the girl and expose her to the sun so she has that almost
all over luster.
Fairchild says "Hi Hi"
You say "Why, hello there."
You say "Tell me, dear: what is your opinion of vivisection?"
Fairchild says "you mean cutting?"
You say "...in a way, yes, I suppose you could call it that."
Fairchild says "not into drawing blood and stuff big turn off for me"
Fairchild says "why you ask?"
You say "It's, ah. More accurately, Vivisection is surgery on live animals
for the purpose of scientific research. It can be quite enjoyable."
You say "How about sodomy?"
Fairchild whinces and thinks she might go, the bit about live animals is a real turn off.
You say "I'm just joking, dear. It isn't my goal to offend."
Fairchild says "well you did, and grossed out"
You say "Unfortunate."
Fairchild says "a hint, that is not a good opening line"
You say "Vivisection isn't good for striking up a conversation? Hm. Things
work so differently here than they do in the Old Country."
Fairchild says "what is your point ith the vivisection bit? I mean what
is your angle"
Fairchild says "apart from freaking folks out"
You say "Hmm. Explain further: What do you mean by my 'angle?'"
Fairchild says "nobody says anything for no reason, your angle could be
wanting to shock folks, some sick joke or maybe you are a sicko or
some other reason."
You say "Its probably the third, this guy is a sick bastard"
You say "Well, I'm obviously some sort of pervert - that goes without saying. But
I suppose my goal is to... clear the ground? Yes, that works. Get the horrifyingly
obscene and shocking material out there first, and see if you're willing to stick
around for what comes after."
Fairchild says "the answer to the second is NO. but you win you had your little
shock, happy now?"
You say "I don't know. Will you rub up against me?"
Fairchild says "No"
You say "Oh. What if I pay you?"
Fairchild says "may I be honest?"
You say "I'd rather you not. It spoils the fun."
Fairchild says "ahh I see what this is, you are trying to be upsetting"
You say "I'm honestly not - it just happens."
Fairchild says "have you ever thought to concider others feelings?"
You say "Hmm. On occasion. Why do you ask?"
Fairchild says "for the simple reason I like meeting new poeple, I thought you might
be nice when you paged."
Fairchild says "guess what I am thinking now?"
You say "Your a sick bastard, Brandt. And your style needs work"
You say "'Boy, I wish I hadn't dropped up of school and started giving hand-jobs for
cash?"
Fairchild says "want some advice?"
You say "No, my mother taught me all I need to know about being a whore."
You say "Is it from personal experience? If so, i've already learned not to
attach alligator clips to my genitals, forget them, and then rush for the phone
when it rings"
Fairchild says "take that back."
You say "I did, they sewed it back on nicely. Want to touch it?"
Fairchild says "the bit about being a whore, I am not a whore."
You say "If someone offered you two million dollars for a quickie, would you do it?"
You say "You're prancing around naked and obviously willing to fuck a complete
stranger. You're either a slut or a whore, dear. You can't be the both, but you're
obviously one of the two."
You say "If you *aren't* a whore, just what did you think I wanted with you? To chat?"
You say "No. I wanted to fuck you. And you were more than willing to comply."
Fairchild goes home.
Fairchild has left.
You say "Heh"
Rico has arrived.
A large black panther with flashing green eyes has arrived.
A large panther stalks into the room, following his master.
Looking at Rico, you notice three things that stand out the most.
His deep blue eyes, twinkling with mirth, his short, raven black hair
that is dark enough to reflect the light, and the perpetual grin almost always
crossing his face. He gazes back at you with a knowing smile. He is a Human
male, standing at 5'11. He is well muscled you notice, through the tight black
shirt he wears, the sleeves ending at his upper arms. The word, "TRUTH" is stitched
into the shirt in large red lettering across his upper back. The shirt is tucked
into some loose fitting black jeans which are tightened across the lower portion of
his muscular abdomen by a black leather belt. Upon the belt, he wears a leather
pouch marked with the word "Toys" which is stuffed with all sorts of unidentifiable
objects. You notice he wears no shoes, but doesn't seem to need them, as he has been
going without them for most of his life. He carries no threatening objects, but
by the way he carries himself, you can tell he doesn't need to.
Rico nods to you and smiles. "Hello there."
You say "Good Morning."
You say "Hiya."
Rico yawns expansively and smacks his lips.
Rico says "I just woke up."
Rico grins.
Sacien hasn't slept in five months. Oh, the visions that I have been granted...
Rico says "Too much caffiene for you?"
Rico nudges you.
You say "Too much crack."
You say "Caffiene, cocaine, crack... is there really a difference?"
Rico says "heh"
Rico says "Yes"
You say "Ive got this wicked habit"
Rico grins.
You say "Heroin too. All my veins are /so/ fucked up"
Rico says "I used to be addicted to coke. It's a far cry from caffeine"
You say "Just popped up through my eyeball, so im good to go"
You say "Sometimes, I just pass out in the middle of the day and wake up hours
later with a cock in my mouth. It's bizarre."
Rico says "caffiene too"
Rico says "Well, maybe it's time to quit then hm?"
You say "I cant, Satan said he would eat me if I quit"
Rico says "Let him eat you then"
You say "Plus, the cum washes the taste of vomit out of my mouth."
Rico says "It's better than what's to come if you stay on those drugs, believe me."
You say "I dont want to pass through the Prince of Darkness' colon"
Rico says "Well."
Rico says "It's your life buddy."
You say "I wouldn't mind passing through yours, though."
You say "In reverse. Got any full body condoms?"
Rico blanches. "no."
You say "Got any heroin?"
Rico says "Even if I did."
Rico says "I can't give it to you here can I?"
Rico grins.
You say "Just ask Satan to give it to me."
You say "Well, if you don't have any smack, how's about a rimjob?"
Rico says "No, Satan and I don't have that personal man to deamon relationship
going like you do."
Sacien opens his pants, "He is down there somewhere. Reach in and shake his hand."
Rico stares at you.
Rico says "No."
You say "Your refusing to shake hands with Lucifer?"
Rico says "Mind if I be blunt with you?"
You say "As in buttplug blunt? Thats extra."
Rico says "I'm a really open minded guy and not many things surprise me
in this world anymore."
Rico says "But you need some serious help pal."
Rico pats you on the back.
You say "Thats cool. Now shake hands with Satan"
Rico says "I'm not here to insult you"
Rico says "But you do."
You say "If you dont, he'll move up into my shirt again"
Rico says "No."
Rico says "I don't believe satan is real."
You say "Have you ever had Lucifer sucking on your nipples all night?"
Rico laughs at you!
Rico says "I don't think Satan has time in his busy schedule to suck on my
nipples all night."
You say "Well, I think it was Lucifer. It might have been that Thai boy from a
cross the Hall."
You say "Can hardly fucking sleep. He is always 'Come on honey, just once in the ass'
And I'm all like 'No, that hurts' And he is like 'I'll give you something if you
let me' And im like 'What?' And he says 'A '73 Gremlin' And I'm like 'What the fuck
can I do with a Gremlin' And he is all like 'You can have sex in it'"
Rico says "Well."
Rico says "That's too bad."
Rico says "Maybe you should just tell him to go away."
You say "Yeah, yeah. So, about that rimjob..."
Rico says "There was no rimjob."
Rico says "I don't roll that way, sorry."
Rico shrugs.
You say "Do you want a rimjob?"
Rico says "Nope."
You say "I'll put on a dress"
Rico says "That's okay."
Rico says "Heh"
You say "Are you sure you wont shake hands with Satan?" He pushes his pants
down around his ankles, "Pet his pet mouse."
Rico says "Look buddy."
You say "Pet the fucking mouse."
Rico says "I don't want to have anything to do with Satan, his pet mouse, or
you as a matter of fact."
You say "Pet the motherfucking mouse before Satan gets pissed."
Rico says "I'm not an insulting type of guy, but I do say what's on my mind."
You say "Just rub its head"
You say "Once"
Rico says "And right now, what's on my mind is you're a sick man and need some help.
Why don't you pick another place aside from here to be Satan's pet?"
You say "With your sweet, pink, tight.. err.. hand."
Rico says "hmm...let me think about it.."
Rico says "no."
You say "If you pet the mouse, i'll give you a rimjob."
Rico takes a leash and clicks it on the collar of the great panther to
make it follow him.
Rico says "I don't want a rimjob."
Rico says "I don't want to pet your silling fucking mouse."
Rico says "Know what I do want?"
You say "How about a chocolate sauce enema?"
Rico says "I'll tell you what you can offer me since you're in such a giving mood."
You say "With strawberries"
You say "A rimjob?"
Rico says "You can turn off your computer, walk into the middle of the street,
and wait for a nice..big..bus to come by."
You say "Can I lick your anus once?"
You say "Alright, alright. How about you rub your finger on your anus and
let me lick it clean?"
Rico says "How about, no."
You say "Pet the mouse."
Rico says "Shaddap."
You say "Pet the fucking mouse, man."
Rico says "Nope."
You say "Look buddy, Satan said he is going to make me give him head a
gain. So pet the fucking mouse."
Rico says "Sucks for you, doesn't it."
You say "How about that rimjob now?"
Rico says "Nope."
You say "Fuck, you win. I'll give you that rimjob you want if you pet the mouse once."
Rico has left.
It's Tucker's revolutionary 'destroy the enemy blog' tactic at work.
He's still mad because I described his lame movie blog so disparagingly.
hi, i am ryan holiday. please hold while i copy and paste some nonsense into this blog to fill the place with spam. i was banned from wikipedia for editing under 2 different names to make tucker look good. now i am on this blog trying to misdirect people from seeing tucker bashing. signed, ryanholiday
ryan holiday is some sort of phaggot.
its Tuckers zionist control bosses. they've used him to destroy the morality of the white woman, now its time to confuse and disperse the reasoning ability of the white man so he cant fight back. dont read any of that stuff, theres hidden codes in it that will depress your sperm count
Crap flooding... kind of like Tucker's message board. It's a product of having followers who have shit for brains.
no man its the zionist conspiracy, i read about it in the washington post. theres so much drugs in the water its making male frogs grow ovaries and theyre suppressing the research on what it does to humans
theyre after your sperm count and this is part of the plot
ok guys, here's the real reason why tuckernuts is such a douchebag: he's overcompensating for the fact that he has only 1 testicle. you read it here first folks.
Damn, I read that Star Fraction recruitment letter and thought it was a Space Fleet I could join as I have tons of Space Captain Experience having led the Starchaser Space Corps for years in numerous dimensions but was disappointed to find out it's only an Eve Online Guild from the EVE MMORPG
pro tip: every anonymous comment on any blog or news article that mentions that tucker went to 'good' schools, even though that is irrelevant to the topic, is actually posted by tucker. he is very proud of his top 40 achievement, and considers that to be a testament to his brilliance. except thousands and thousands of people get accepted each year to harvard, yale, princeton, stanford, berkeley, ucla, upenn, etc. and they are all better than tucker's mediocre in comparison schools
Fuck yeah, Cloud is back. Must be off his meds AGAIN. Love the fact that you cycle through every couple of months Cloud. 2 months of crazy, 4 months of sanely medicated....repeat.
That's not Cloud, it's far too sane to be Cloud. Check the blog link. Cloud wouldn't make fun of Obama like that, he'd want to be hiring him as a superhero. And Obamagirl too. And he'd be bragging about trying and failing to score with Obamagirl. And paying some other girl to dress up like Obamagirl. Because Cloud's cool like that.
^^
These are contradictory comments.
Commenter 1 says Cloud Starchaser has posted and he is insane right now.
Commenter 2 says that is not Cloud Starchaser, it is an impostor who is sane.
So then is the above poster sane or insane? We have a contradiction of opinion here.
Yeah, well... I enjoy soup.
Yeah, well... I enjoy soup.
pro tip: every anonymous comment on any blog or news article that mentions that tucker went to 'good' schools, even though that is irrelevant to the topic, is actually posted by tucker. he is very proud of his top 40 achievement, and considers that to be a testament to his brilliance. except thousands and thousands of people get accepted each year to harvard, yale, princeton, stanford, berkeley, ucla, upenn, etc. and they are all better than tucker's mediocre in comparison schools
1/29/2009 12:29 AM
This is true. In fact EVERYONE is going to these schools now. It's quite common actually to walk into a city where every single person in the city has not only attended college and obtained advance degrees but is also writing a book about it. Everyone knows that United States population is really not all that big and so these schools accomodate a huge percentage of people. Who cares if Tucker went to good schools!! So did every nigger I know! Heck I graduated from Yale, top of my class, captain of the rowing team. Then again so did half the people on my street! IT'S JUST THAT COMMON!!!
P.S. I think I might write a book about myself thats mostly fabrications. It will no doubt be on the NY Times bestsellers list. But who cares, everybody has done that shit!
'P.S. I think I might write a book about myself thats mostly fabrications. It will no doubt be on the NY Times bestsellers list. But who cares, everybody has done that shit!'
Extended list. Just sayin'
WHO
da PHUCK
enjoys DA HIZZELL
outta sum MUDDAPHUCKIN SIZZOUP?!?!?!
I wantsta know
You eat Taintguy soup?? Ewww, ur nasty lol!
LOL! ROFLMAO! U R L33T! PWNED! BFF!
Of course Tucker keeps talking about his schools. Other than making the supplemental best seller list, it is his only tangible achievement in life. When I see people in their mid-30s (and older) still bragging about their schools, you know they are seeking validation, and have peaked in terms of accomplishment.
... but of course, that generalization doesn't include Taintguy. Baylor is better than a Big Three Ivy, and we all know that he manages to patrol this blog religiously despite making millions as an energy trader.
Ah lahk beeg boobs.
BEEEEEG boobs.
BEEG ROUND BOUNCIN BEWBIES
"soft 'n' milky"
... but of course, that generalization doesn't include Taintguy. Baylor is better than a Big Three Ivy, and we all know that he manages to patrol this blog religiously despite making millions as an energy trader.
1/29/2009 3:30 PM
I don't know about religiously...I am sitting here in my very modest cubicle and though I do have plenty of work, I watch my share of youtube, and of course cruise this place a couple of times a day. As for making millions, well I wish that was true. I get paid fairly well for someone under thirty I think, though I've got a couple buddies who put me to shame, but they aren't traders, because we don't make near as much as you apparently think we do. Year-end is usually nice though. Oh and TaintGuy is a different guy on here, the gross one who talks about ass juice and dingleberries and such, thats not me. I'm TATGUY. KTAT. WCIAM?!
It's good to have you back Tatguy! I always enjoy reading your posts.
And now for something completely different.
This kid:
http://www.youtube.com/user/jwcfree
Has some serious fucking talent. Unlike Tucker, of course.
I recommend watching the following video first, and then watching all of the rest of them.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ilJm55q0dlc&feature=related
Holy Fucking God, that is incredible guitar playing. It's like Hendrix reincarnated or some shit.
Yeah, fingerpicking is where it's at. If one can master that style of playing, one can play just about anything on a guitar.
YEAH YEAH BEWBIES
http://www.pvponline.com/2009/01/30/all-the-right-notes/
case yall didnt know: boobs r soft
to everyone went to yale guy: not everyone went to yale. only thousands per year go to the ivy league schools, with hundreds to thousands also going to ivy grad schools (plus ucla, stanford, and berkeley). tucker is so special that he went to a school i would never even consider applying to because no one has heard of it, outside of academic circles. uchicago is like mcgill in canada: internationally irrelevant, but in academic and niche circles (canadians and people who know about uchicago), it is pretty good. well, uchicago does not have the itnernational reputation of harvard, yale, or any other ivy, or ucla, berkeley, stanford, oxford, or cambridge. in fact, uchicago and duke, the schools tucker attended, are schools that he must constantly remind people are good schools, because their reputations don't precede them. he continually reminds you he went to good schools because he is 1. insecure about going to schools that are mostly unimpressive, and 2. because his ego requires you to know the schools are good, since you wouldnt know otherwise (cause no one cares about duke or uchicago). and as for tucker's extended best seller: he strategically bought many copies of his book with his dad's money to artificially get onto the list, then he sells the books on amazon.com. this is well known and not speculation at all. maybe if he went to a good school like princeton and not chicago community college or whatever, he would be on teh real best seller list without buying his way there.
^ It makes good sense to me, even if "everyone went to Yale" guy doesn't get it. I understand where you are coming from. It makes good sense to me, and I appreciate the thought and time you've put into your comment. I'm never on this board...at all...but if I was here on occasion...I might recommend that you keep putting that same kind of thoughtful consideration onto this topic and onto your posts. I guess what I am really saying is that if you were to keep thinking about something, Tucker might be that thing. Long term.
Do I really have to sign this one?
WCIAM?!
i think about boobies
still thinkin bout boobies
I used to know a guy who graduated from Yale, and after he did, he waited tables and taught school part-time.
It isn't about the school, it's about the man.
i know a guy who went to a top liberal arts college. it's #1 or #2. but since it's a liberal arts college, you wouldn't know it's prestigious unless you read usnews or you were informed on these things. duke and uchicago are not prestigious or elite, but they're pretty good schools. problem is, you have to keep telling someone how good they are, cause no one knows or cares. straight to dvd biotches!
tucker max finger picked his way right into internet obscurity. enjoy your 400 hits a day, tuckermax.com
Tucker will revolutionize the industry by making and selling the DVDs himself. Just like Maddox is revolutionizing the TV world by creating video clips and posting them to YouTube.
my favorite scene in the movie is when tucker max (played by matt douchesky) is standing at a bar talking to girls. he is covered in douche and feces, dripping with cum, and he is shouting at the girls, "but i went to duke and u of c!" "but i went to duke and u of c!" "but i went to duke and u of c!" "but i went to duke and u of c!"
when his movie becomes a blockbuster (meaning that it is in the bargain bin at blockbuster), he will call blockbuster and demand that it be placed above all other movies in the bargain bin. "but i went to duke and u of c!" "but i went to duke and u of c!" "but i went to duke and u of c!" "but i went to duke and u of c!"
^ what kind of person even thinks this way?
A rabbi named Paul, a priest named Jeffrey, and a duck named Stanley walked into a bar. The bartender looked up and said, "What is this? A joke?"
a duke and uchicago grad walks into bar where they are having a harvard reunion. he immediately starts crying. b-b-b-b-but if he had an extended best seller, it would be a different story!
a girl with big boobs walked into a bar
she said, "ow!"
Tucker Max walks into a bar, he begins to tell everybody that he went to UofC and Duke.
The bartender asks: "What is this? A joke?"
^^^^ ZING!!!!
Why do I think that the greatest day in Tucker and Nils life would go like this.
Tucker and Nils smoking cigars in the lounge of an all-white country club with Rush Limbaugh as Limbaugh told racist jokes.
Just a vision I had.
Why do I think that the greatest day in Tucker and Nils life would go like this.
Tucker and Nils smoking cigars in the lounge of a Nigerian businessman club with Nigerian spammers as the black guys laughed about banging white women.
Just a vision I had.
Looks like we have a new poster: BigPostGuy! Unless this is just Tatguy playing with our emotions?
Nah, it's just Tucker or one of his underlings, using really revolutionary tactics to destroy the only site other than his that even gives a damn about him.
http://unemployedasshole.blogspot.com/2009/02/earlier-tonight-i-had-self-admitted.html
another blogger joins the fray.
Bunny claims Tucker is a millionaire.
LOL.
Okay.
I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell
by
Tucker Max and Nils Parker
Based on the book by Tucker Max
Tucker Max
5042 Wilshire Dr #815
LA, CA 90036
323-351-7640
Tuckermax@gmail.com
Nils Parker
5042 Wilshire Dr #815
LA, CA 90036
510-773-9669
Nilsparker@yahoo.com
[4/15/08 DRAFT]
1 INT. POLICE CAR - NIGHT - DURHAM, NC 1
Cold opens to two cops driving in a police car. Stark,
dramatic feel, like THE SHIELD. Opening credits roll over the
scene. The radio cackles alive.
DISPATCHER (O.S.)
Attention all units, attack in
progress at 742 Evergreen Terrace.
Screaming woman heard from inside
the residence. Respond Code 3.
The cop driving picks up the CB unit and turns on the lights
and siren.
COP 1
5430, show us responding, we'll be
at scene in under a minute.
DISPATCHER
5430, additional person reporting
stated they still hear screaming.
COP 1
Roger. Keep the PR on the line. Do
they have a suspect description?
DISPATCHER
Negative. Reporting sound of glass
breaking.
The cops look at each other ominously, slam on the gas pedal.
2 EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING - MOMENTS LATER 2
The car pulls to a stop and the cops jump out. Loud, guttural
female groaning and a crash from the apartment. They check
the windows, curtains are closed, so they kick in the door.
3 INT. APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS 3
Cops bust in, see a naked girl bent over a sofa arm being
fucked hard from behind by a naked guy. Her arms are tied
together behind her back, and he is holding them and spanking
her, like a jockey. A lamp is in pieces on the floor, clothes
are strewn around the apartment. They have their backs to the
door and her screams are so loud they don’t hear the cops.
COP 1
STOP! Get your hands up and move
away from the woman!
COP 1 tackles the guy, he screams in shock. COP 2 pulls the
girl away and wraps his coat over her naked body.
COP 2
Are you ok, Miss?
She grunts and tries moving her hands but can’t because they
are tied up. COP 2 unties her, ANGLE ON COP 1, his knee in
the back of the guy, cuffing him.
TUCKER
I have money in my wallet, just
take it!!
COP 1
This is the police, shut up and
stop resisting.
TUCKER
WHAT!? Why are you hand-cuffing me?
COP 1
Shut up! Stop resisting!
The cop secures the cuffs and takes out his Tazer.
TUCKER
What is going on?!? Why are you
arresting me?!?
COP 1
Shut up. This is your last warning.
He points the tazer at Tucker, who looks up in shock.
TUCKER
DON’T TAZE ME, BRO!!!
COP 2 comes over tentatively and taps on COP 1’s shoulder.
COP 2
Uh...hey Partner, you might want to
take a look at this.
COP 1 turns to see the girl, the policeman’s jacket barely
covering her, furiously signing at him and making the grunty
noises deaf people make when they try to talk.
COP 2 (CONT’D)
She’s deaf.
COP 1
She’s what?
2.
The deaf girl gets in COP 1’s face and signs, exaggeratedly,
while also speaking in an unmodulated voice of a deaf person.
DEAF GIRL
I! AM! DEAF!
The expression on COP 1’s face goes from intense to confused.
COP 2
We don't have a crime. She says the
sex was consensual.
DEAF GIRL
He wasn’t raping me, he was fucking
me. You know, fucking!
She points her finger at her crotch, moving her hips back and
forth. The three of them stand there for a beat.
TUCKER
Now that we have that cleared up,
you two think you could leave?
DEAF GIRL
I was about to cum!
Screen goes to black, and the masthead appears:
I HOPE THEY SERVE BEER IN HELL
Opening credits roll as...
4 EXT. LAW SCHOOL - DAY 4
TUCKER, 24, handsome and self-possessed, pulls his car into
the parking lot, and gives the Guy Head Nod to a familiar
passer-by as he strides coolly into the law school.
TUCKER *
Ever fuck a deaf chick? Of course *
you haven’t. *
5 INT. LAW SCHOOL LIBRARY - CONTINUOUS 5
In the common area of the law library, a mixed group is
sitting around bullshitting instead of studying.
FRIEND #1
(a girl) *
I still can’t believe you’re
getting married, Jeff.
3.
FRIEND #2
I can’t believe she said yes.
The group laughs as we ANGLE on JEFF, 24, a thick-necked, exhigh
school athlete no one has ever accused of being a nerd.
JEFF
Shit, man, I’m starting to regret
that she didn’t say no. This
wedding planning stuff is nuts. I *
spent all night looking through *
wedding magazines and books of *
white flowers. Just white. *
FRIEND #2 *
Jesus. I hope I never have to get
married.
ANGLE ON Tucker entering the library.
JEFF *
With your face, I think you’re *
safe. *
Tucker stands behind Jeff with a smile waiting for Jeff to
notice him while the friends at the table gawk at Jeff. *
JEFF (CONT'D)
What?
TUCKER
Raise your hand if you’ve ever
fucked a deaf girl.
A beat. Jeff whips around as Tucker smiles deviously and *
slowly raises his hand. The group bursts into hysterics.
GROUP
Bullshit!
No way.
Deaf girls are hot.
Lies.
Can you hear me now? *
JEFF
You had sex with a deaf chick? *
TUCKER
You’re deaf too now? *
Tucker starts mock-signing.
4.
TUCKER (CONT'D)
(in a mongoloid voice)
Yes, Jeff, I had sex with a deaf
girl. *
JEFF *
Didn’t you hook up with a mute girl *
last semester? You’re 2/3 of the *
way to a Helen Keller. *
6 INT. LAW SCHOOL CLASSROOM - A LITTLE LATER 6
Jeff and Tucker are next to each other in an auditorium style
class. Everyone has laptops open in front of them.
TUCKER
I almost shit myself when those
cops busted in. I thought she set
me up or something.
JEFF
Bad boys, bad boys, whatcha gonna
do, whatcha gonna do when you’re
fucking a deaf girl and the cops
come for you?
The professor is perturbed with the talking in the back.
PROFESSOR
Mr. Max. What is your take on this
issue?
TUCKER
I’m sorry, what issue is that?
PROFESSOR
Are you not paying attention Mr.
Max?
TUCKER
I wasn’t, I apologize, I was busy
talking about having sex with a
deaf girl.
The class laughs.
PROFESSOR
Charming...and oddly appropriate.
Do you or do you not feel that
Little People should be a protected
class?
5.
TUCKER
You mean midgets?
PROFESSOR
Yes, Mr. Max, if you must, midgets.
Do you think they should be
protected?
TUCKER
What are we protecting them from,
eagles and poachers and stuff? Like *
an endangered species?
The class erupts again.
JEFF
Poachers?
TUCKER
It could happen. You know if Kanye
showed up to a club in a midget
stoll, they’d be extinct in a week.
PROFESSOR
Mr. Max if you didn’t do the
reading, then...
TUCKER
No, I don't think midgets should be
considered a protected class for
the purposes of employment
discrimination law. I think their
physical limitations put them
squarely within the business
necessity and reasonable
accommodation defenses of the
Americans with Disabilities Act.
PROFESSOR
Where do you draw the line then?
TUCKER
I’m not sure. I figure it’s like
riding a roller coaster. You must
be this high to get ADA protection.
Tucker puts his hand at chest level and the class laughs.
PROFESSOR
Very funny, Mr. Max. What if I told
you that I just finished a pro bono
case involving a gentleman's club
that terminated the employment of a
dancer with dwarfism because she--
6.
Tucker lurches forward in his seat.
TUCKER
You represented a midget stripper?
PROFESSOR
They prefer the term ‘Little
Person’.
TUCKER
Was she fired?
PROFESSOR
No, they gave her her job back.
Tucker has that mischievous twinkle in his eye.
TUCKER
What club was it?
PROFESSOR
Mr. Max, if you’re genuinely
interested in the case, come to
office hours and I’ll fill you in.
Until then let’s remember this is a
constitutional law class, not Adult
Friend Finder.
TUCKER
Touche! I will shut up now.
Aside to Jeff, as Professor drones on about the case.
TUCKER (CONT’D)
So, you ready for your bachelor
party tonight?
JEFF
Locked and loaded.
TUCKER
I’m gonna go get Aaron, meet us at
the campus bar after class.
Tucker closes his laptop as we go to black.
7 INT. AARON’S APT. - MINUTES LATER 7
The apartment is dark and spartan. Aaron is slouched down in
the room’s only chair, in front of a meticulously organized
media center, playing a Grand Theft Auto-style game.
7.
Aaron is 24, tall and lanky with angular features. He’s neat,
almost finicky about his appearance, but underneath, he’s a
maladjusted, beaten down Star Trek nerd. He’s got a headset
on that is connected to his controller.
AARON
I’m going down the alley to beat up
the hooker. Watch my six.
Aaron’s phone rings. He puts his Bluetooth in his other ear.
In SPLIT SCREEN, Tucker barrels through city traffic. Aaron’s
his digital doppelganger; running down pedestrians on screen
as Tucker sends them running for cover in real life.
TUCKER
Yo, Aaron. It’s Tucker.
Aaron flips out and hits the video game controller furiously.
AARON
What the hell is going on!?
Aaron’s car is getting shot up from behind.
TUCKER
I’m coming to get you, we’re going
drinking.
Aaron’s character dies on the screen.
AARON
What the hell!? YOU SUCK!!
TUCKER
What?
AARON
Is this your idea of having my
back?!
TUCKER
This is a great idea! I need a
drink and you need some daylight.
AARON
What kind of wingman are you, you
selfish little shit-for-brains?!
8.
(MORE)
I should come over to your house,
cut off your stubby virgin hands
and beat you to death with them,
HotWheelz!
9 INT. AARON’S APT. - CONTINUOUS 9 *
Aaron rips off both headsets, hurls his controller, and
storms into the kitchen. *
10 EXT. STREET/INT. TUCKER’S CAR 10
Tucker pulls up to the curb in front of Aaron’ building. *
11 INT. AARON’S KITCHEN - MOMENTS LATER 11
Aaron is standing against the counter eating cereal.
AARON
Ahhhh, Captain Crunch. My old
friend.
(baby talk)
You wouldn't leave me hanging in an
alley full of hookers. I’m not
gonna catch you in the cupboard
sucking off Toucan Sam. Noooo, you
have integ-wuh-tee and disci-pwin.
12 EXT. AARON’S APARTMENT - SIMULTANEOUS 12
A chair with “HERS” stenciled on the back and an over-flowing
box sit outside. “HERS” has been crossed out and “WHORES”
written in Sharpie underneath. “WHORE’S BELONGINGS” is
scrawled on the top of the box. Tucker opens the lid.
Something is written on the inside.
TUCKER
(reading, but to himself)
Take whatever you want, her box is
apparently open to all.
Tucker sifts through the box: Han Solo and Princess Leia
figurines with their kung-fu grip hands melted together,
women’s clothes, pictures of a blissful Aaron and a striking,
but disinterested, brunette. The box is peppered with unused
tampons that have been snapped in half.
9.
AARON (CONT'D)
13 INT. AARON’S APT. - CONTINUOUS 13
Tucker barges in without knocking and opens all the drapes; *
flooding the dark, depressive sanctuary of pain with light. *
TUCKER
Look at this place. It’s a shrine
to cuckoldry and rage.
Aaron plops down in his chair. The back has “HIS” stenciled
into it, matching the “HERS” outside.
TUCKER (CONT'D)
You ready?
AARON
What are you babbling about?
TUCKER
We’re going to the bar. I just told
you on the phone.
AARON
I don’t pay attention to what you
say. I just wait for you to stop
talking about yourself, get bored,
and hang up.
AARON stares blankly ahead at the television.
TUCKER
Did Sarah call yet?
Tucker goes into the kitchen to get himself a chair and grabs
two beers from the fridge.
AARON
No. She probably has trouble
talking with a dick in her mouth.
Tucker sets the chair down, grabs the remote, and stops on
the opening credits of Jem & the Holograms.
TUCKER
This cartoon is disturbingly hot.
Can you imagine a threesome with
Jem and Jerrica?
AARON
I can imagine them both cheating on
me.
10.
TUCKER
Jerrica runs a foster home. She
wouldn’t cheat.
AARON
She voluntarily surrounds herself
with shattered little lives so her
dysfunctional existence feels more
normal. You think she wouldn’t pull
her cartoon panties to the side for
the first guy who tells her she’s
pretty?
Aaron waits in vain for Tucker to respond.
AARON (CONT'D)
Of course she would. They all
would. Even the foster kids, those
validation seeking little sluts.
Click. Tucker changes the channel, a DeBeers commercial.
Aaron lurches forward jabbing his finger at the television.
AARON (CONT'D)
I'm onto your game DeBeers--
diamonds are almost worthless other
than the value attached to them by
the silly tramps you've brainwashed
into thinking “diamond equals
love.” Guess what sluts, your quest
for the perfect princess cut is
supporting terrorism and genocide.
Congratulations, your avarice has
managed to destroy an entire
continent!
TUCKER
Sarah kept the ring?
AARON
I hope you die in a fire.
TUCKER
You act like you’re the first
person in the world to get cheated
on. It happens to everyone, dude,
even me.
AARON
Oh, really? Does everyone catch
their fiancee sucking off a rapper?
11.
14 INT. SARAH’S APARTMENT - FLASHBACK - TWO WEEKS AGO 14
Aaron lets himself in with keys attached to an old, tattered
Duke GI Joe keychain. He’s carrying a box of Earl Grey tea
and a bag of throat lozenges.
AARON
Hey honey, how are you doing?
Sarah is vigorously pumping her head in the crotch of
Grillionaire, an iced-out white rapper. He’s sloppily eating
a sandwich and using the remote when he spots Aaron.
GRILLIONAIRE
WHAT IT DO BABY! GRILLIONAIRE IN DA
HOUSE!!
SARAH jerks up and turns panicked to see Aaron just as he
slams the front door behind him.
15 INT. AARON’S LIVING ROOM - BACK TO CURRENT SCENE 15
TUCKER
Hey, who knew blowjobs were good *
for sore throats, right? *
AARON
The most rewarding part of our
friendship is your ability to find
personal amusement in the
destruction of my life.
TUCKER
It’s not that bad, dude. You always
get stuck in these cycles. When you
get depressed like this, you need
to ask yourself What would Tucker
do?, and then go do that.
AARON
I already know what you would do,
and I have no desire to get HIV
from one of the cum dumpsters into
whom you shoot your emotional pain
every weekend.
TUCKER
You know HIV is basically curable
now. It doesn’t even show up in
Magic Johnson’s blood anymore.
12.
AARON
You’re telling me that Magic
Johnson is black AND has AIDS...and
he has it better than me?
16 INT. CAMPUS BAR - AN HOUR LATER 16
Campus Bar is part sports bar, part dingy hook-up dungeon.
Tucker is flirting aggressively with Leslie, a gorgeous co-ed
waitress. Aaron, disgusted, is staring off at the TV.
LESLIE
I love kids. When I graduate I want
to work with children, and have a
bunch of my own. What about you?
TUCKER
Are you kidding, I love kids too. I
can’t wait to have more.
LESLIE
(shocked)
You have kids?
TUCKER
No, I’m just playing.
AARON
He does, they’re just all in the
compost heap behind Planned
Parenthood.
Leslie doesn’t know whether to be creeped out or disgusted.
TUCKER
(boyishly charming)
If you do stem cell research, you
could work with them.
She tries not to laugh, but can’t help herself. Jeff breezes
in and sidles up. Tucker swats Leslie on the ass.
TUCKER (CONT’D)
Run along baby, man talk. I have
your number, I’ll call you.
Leslie walks away, clearly smitten. Aaron shakes his head.
AARON
Who says romance is dead?
13.
JEFF
How can you be angry at women, yet
at the same time, be mad at the
things Tucker does?
AARON
I’m like a feminist; I can assert
multiple contradictory positions.
Tucker scoffs. The bartender was eavesdropping and breaks in.
CAMPUS BARTENDER
(to Tucker)
Hey, listen bro, can you do me a
favor and not talk to my server
like that? It’s disrespectful.
TUCKER
Excuse me?
CAMPUS BARTENDER
I think you heard me.
TUCKER
Oh, I heard you, Hero. You don’t
want me flirting with your server.
I didn’t know she belonged to you.
I thought she was an individual
with free will?
CAMPUS BARTENDER
It’s a figure of speech, bro.
TUCKER
Well, BRO, here’s another figure of
speech for you: Mind your own
fucking business. I’m sorry I’ve
accomplished more in 30 minutes
with Leslie than you have in two
years, but she looked pretty happy
talking to me. Or maybe she rubs
her crotch against all the
customers.
CAMPUS BARTENDER *
I think it might be time for you to *
leave.
TUCKER
Or maybe it’s just time for you to
get me another drink.
Tucker waves his empty glass. *
14.
CAMPUS BARTENDER *
I don’t think so. *
Leslie passes by with a full drink tray. Tucker makes eye *
contact and motions her over, pulling her into him with his *
arm around her waist. He plucks a beer from her tray. *
TUCKER *
Hey sweetie, just put this on my *
tab, okay. *
Tucker disarms her with charm and she gives it up easily. The *
bartender sees this transpire and seethes. *
LESLIE *
(to Campus Bartender) *
Sam, could you get me another beer *
for table six? *
The bartender lifts the bar door and postures up. Jeff slides *
in behind Tucker, who turns away unconcerned.
JEFF
(calmly but assertively)
I will have what he’s having. Thank
you.
Jeff locks eyes intimidatingly with the bartender who
considers his options and relents.
TUCKER
Listen, I know everything is set
for tonight, but I think we should
discuss a potential change in venue
for your bachelor party.
AARON
Oh, this should be good.
TUCKER
The strip club we’re supposed to go
to sucks. It’s dirty and decrepit
and the girls that don’t have
stretch marks have personalities
like the worst parts of the Bible.
AARON
Personalities? We have to talk to
them?
TUCKER
Some of us actually enjoy the
company of women, Aaron.
15.
AARON
Yeah, I’m the misogynist here.
TUCKER
It wouldn’t be so bad if Durham
hadn’t passed that ridiculous ‘no
touch’ ordinance. All we can do is
sit at a table and look at them.
JEFF
I thought you said they were
disgusting. Why would we want to
touch them?
TUCKER
What do you want to do Jeff, play
checkers? This is a fucking
BACHELOR PARTY.
JEFF
Well, what did you have in mind?
TUCKER
A short two hour drive away is a
strip club called Baby Dolls. I’m
sorry. Let me back up. This isn’t
just some strip club. This is the
Super Bowl of carnal pleasure.
AARON
We’ve been to strip clubs before.
TUCKER
Not like this one, dude. The first
time I got a lap dance there, the
stripper grabbed my hands and put
them on her tits. The second dance,
she turned around and basically dry
humped me the entire time. She was
gorgeous and wasn't even close to
being the best one there.
AARON
I used to think there was a bright
line between a gentleman's club and
a brothel. Now you're telling me
it's just gray.
JEFF
You can full-on grab their breasts
and they don’t care?
16.
TUCKER
They encourage it.
AARON
I bet they had good childhoods.
TUCKER
And the very best part: $5 cover,
$10 dances, $2 drinks. All. Night.
AARON
I’d rather fellate a hot curling
iron than drive 150 miles because
Tucker breast fed until he was
eight.
JEFF
I can’t leave. Tomorrow we have a
bunch of meetings and stuff to take
care of. Seating chart and whatnot.
TUCKER
Seating chart?!
AARON
I’m sure Kristy can cut that
Gordian knot.
JEFF
It’s not that simple.
TUCKER
Yes it is. It’s an LSAT logic game.
A table seats 8 people. Tucker must
sit next to a single woman with
large breasts. Aaron must not sit
next to anyone with a vagina. No
one else matters. Boom, done.
JEFF
The wedding is next weekend, man.
I’m not just going to leave Kristy
hanging because of some stupid notouch
policy. That’s your issue,
not mine.
17.
TUCKER
We’ll be back tomorrow afternoon.
Look dude, if we stay in Durham, we
can’t have the experience we need
to make up for that abomination of
an engagement party you had with
Kristy’s family.
17 INT. SOUTHERN BAPTIST CHURCH - BASEMENT - FLASHBACK 17
Nicely-dressed people sit around folding tables in a basement
Sunday School room. A sign taped to a wall: “CONGRATULATIONS
JEFF AND KRISTY! MAY JESUS BLESS YOUR HOLY MATRIMONY!”
Jeff’s at a table between Kristy’s father, Mr. Jorgens and
Kristy’s brothers. They have that foppish swoop of hair
hanging down over their brows like young Southern men you
want to punch in the head.
MR. JORGENS
I’m glad you’re having a good time,
son. I was worried those godless,
usurious law school friends of
yours might lead you astray.
JEFF
No, sir.
MR. JORGENS
I’m sure they would rather be out
drankin’ and fornicatin’.
JEFF
Probably, sir.
ANGLE ON Mrs. Jorgens, Kristy’s mother, leading bible bingo.
Like every white woman under sixty in Texas, she has dyedyellow
hair and make-up applied with a shotgun. She’s petite
but looks scary intense.
MRS. JORGENS
I-6. Isaiah One Six.
ANGLE ON Jeff as his cell phone rings.
JEFF
It’s Career Services from law
school, probably about a job
interview. Hello?
ANGLE ON Tucker, Aaron and Kristy at a table in the back of
the room. Tucker has the phone tilted out so they can hear.
18.
TUCKER
Having a great time back here. This
is definitely better than getting
drunk with strippers.
ANGLE ON Mrs. Jorgens.
MRS. JORGENS
From the sole of your foot to the
top of your head there is no
soundness– only wounds and welts
and open sores. Hugh, honey, who
does that sound like?
ANGLE ON Jeff as Mr. Jorgens talks to his sons sitting next
to Jeff.
JEFF
Tomorrow morning? Sure I can make
that.
MR. JORGENS
Of course that’s who Isaiah’s
talking about. The open sores are
from having their horns and tails
cut off so they can blend in with
the humans.
SPLIT SCREEN with Jeff and Tucker, Aaron and Kristy.
TUCKER
Hey Jeff, does Daddy know his
little girl likes anal?
KRISTY
Tucker! Shut up! My mom has hearing
like a vampire bat.
JEFF
I’m not in a position to answer
that at this time.
TUCKER
Fuck it. I think I’m just going to
order some strippers.
AARON
Make them papists and have them
give us communion. It’ll set this
congregation ablaze!
19.
18 INT. CAMPUS BAR - AFTERNOON - BACK TO CURRENT SCENE 18
JEFF
I don’t know, man.
TUCKER
Jeff, you know you’re my boy, but I
have to be honest. If you keep
acting like a bitch, someone’s
gonna fuck that pussy in your face.
Jesus Christ dude, this is IT! This
is our last gasp together as single
men!
JEFF
Yeah, I guess.
TUCKER
And what about Aaron!?
AARON
Don’t drag me into this. There’s a
Next Generation marathon this
weekend. I am just fine lusting
after Deanna Troy and stewing in my
cocoon of loneliness and anger.
TUCKER
He hasn’t been out of the house
since his girl tore out his heart
and stomped it with bling shoes!
Aaron needs this!
JEFF
You do need this.
AARON
I need this like I need hepatitis
C.
TUCKER
You need this! WE ALL NEED THIS!!
IT’S OUR DESTINY AS MEN!!
JEFF
Yeah, you’re right man! I’m in.
Fuck yes! Let’s go!
They walk out as Tucker pays his tab to the bartender.
20.
TUCKER
Oh by the way, BRO, make sure to
tell Leslie that I’m an asshole and
that she should stay away. It’ll
only help me.
INT. TUCKER’S 19 CAR - DAY - AT CURB - MINUTES LATER 19 *
At the curb in front of Jeff’s apartment complex, Jeff in the *
driver’s seat, Tucker and Aaron in the back. *
TUCKER
You are an integral part of this
trip, dude, and you’ve earned it.
So put your fucking game face on!
JEFF
Let’s do this!
Jeff bolts from the car and bounds toward his apartment.
AARON
He’s going to fail worse than a
Friends spin-off.
20 INT. JEFF'S APARTMENT - AFTERNOON - MOMENTS LATER 20
A wedding bomb has gone off. Kristy is flipping through "The
Wedding Binder." She's in sweats and her hair's a ratty mess.
Jeff kisses her and nuzzles his head against her neck.
KRISTY
Guess who just called. My mom.
JEFF
What’s wrong, did another dinosaur
fossil test her faith?
KRISTY
She’s coming into town early to
help out. Isn’t that nice of her?
Kristy strains a smile.
JEFF
How early?
A beat.
KRISTY
Tomorrow.
21.
JEFF
Tomorrow?! You know she's only
coming early so she can take
control of everything.
KRISTY
No she’s not. Quit being dramatic.
JEFF
If she has her way the reception
will be a potluck in a barn.
KRISTY
She’s pious and conservative, Jeff,
not Pennsylvania Dutch!
JEFF
We'll probably have to churn our
own butter for the dinner rolls!
KRISTY
My parents are paying for the
wedding. My mom’s entitled to have
some input. What did you want me to
say to her? Don’t come?
JEFF
That would be a start. I’ll be
goddamned if I let her ruin our
wedding. It’s my day too, ya know!
KRISTY
Calm down, Groomzilla!
JEFF
Don't Groomzilla me! Those squirrel
hunters wouldn't know a good time
if it jumped out of the Bible and
landed on the front lawn of their
megachurch!
Jeff stomps down the hall to the bedroom, Kristy in tow.
21 INT. JEFF AND KRISTY'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS 21
The room is well-appointed with a strong feminine touch. Jeff
yanks a gym bag from the closet, grabs some dirty jeans and
shirts off the back of a chair.
KRISTY
What are you doing?
22.
JEFF
Packing.
KRISTY
For what?
JEFF
I’m going to Charlotte with Tucker
and Aaron for my bachelor party.
KRISTY
I thought you were staying in town.
JEFF
Change of plans. Tucker knows about
a great strip club down there.
KRISTY
Good for Tucker, I hope he has a
great time.
JEFF
You know I can’t let him go off by
himself. That’s when the really bad
stuff happens. He needs me to have
his back.
KRISTY
Who’s got your back? Aaron?
JEFF
Tucker’s got my back.
KRISTY
Tucker says he’s got your back.
Except you’re always the one
bailing him out. I wish you took
care of me as well as you take care
of Tucker.
JEFF
That’s a bunch of crap! I always
look out for you. You’re my number
one priority.
KRISTY
Really? When have I taken
precedence? When have you chosen me
over Tucker? Give me an example.
Just one.
JEFF
I’m marrying you aren’t I?
23.
Kristy looks incredulously at Jeff. He tries to salvage some
credibility before it’s too late.
JEFF (CONT'D)
You just don’t want me going to a
strip club with Tucker.
KRISTY
Honey, you know I’m cool with you
going to a strip club. If we didn’t
have so much to do, I’d go with
you. But we have all the final
appointments this weekend. You need
to be there.
JEFF
Why do I even need to go now? It’s
going to be two against one the
whole time anyway.
KRISTY
That’s not true. Your input is
important.
JEFF
I didn’t get a say when the Locust *
Queen decided to swarm in early. *
Why should this be any different?
KRISTY
So instead you’re going to pout and
play babysitter to Tucker? Again.
22 INT. TUCKER’S CAR - CURBSIDE - SIMULTANEOUS 22
Tucker and Aaron are still parked at the curb.
TUCKER
What’s taking him long?
AARON
He’s talking to a woman. Anything
is possible.
TUCKER
Should I go help?
AARON
There is a zero percent chance that
injecting you into this situation
will make it better.
24.
TUCKER
I’m going in.
Tucker bursts from the car and jogs toward Jeff’s place.
AARON
(shouting out the window)
Bring me back a Gatorade!
23 INT. JEFF’S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS 23
JEFF
COMPROMISE!? That's all I've been
doing! Your dad didn't want a
bachelor party with strippers and
booze, so I said fine, we'll do an
engagement party at the church. I
want a beach ceremony?
(imitating Mrs. Jorgens)
No sir, we're having it in church
under the watchful eye of the Lord.
(in his normal voice)
and I said okay. I want a bouncy
castle at the reception?
(imitating Mrs. Jorgens)
Bouncy castles are childish and
dangerous. Grow up.
(in his normal voice)
So I gave in because I didn't want
to argue. It's just a stupid bouncy
castle. The only thing I've been
able to keep so far is the open
bar, and now she's probably going
to take that too and you aren’t
going to do a thing to stop her!
KRISTY
No one said you had to give in on
that stuff. Be a man and take a
stand if it’s important to you!
JEFF
You want me to be a man and take a
stand? Here it is: I’m going to
Charlotte with Tucker and I don’t
give a fuck what you or the Wicked
Witch of West Texas think about it!
Tucker walks in without knocking.
TUCKER
What’s up guys?
25.
Kristy tries to put on her “Everything is fine” face.
KRISTY
So what’s this I hear about you
taking Jeff for the weekend?
TUCKER
Well, Durham passed this stupid notouch
rule. I figure since the
ladies can’t seem to keep their
hands off me, it’d be irresponsible
for me to go to clubs around here.
KRISTY
How thoughtful of you.
TUCKER
You don’t mind do you? I’m not
stepping on any toes, am I?
Kristy gives him that “well...actually” look.
KRISTY
It’s just we have all the final
wedding appointments tomorrow and--
TUCKER
Oh no. Jeff didn’t say anything
about that. Why didn’t you tell me,
dude? That’s not cool. It’s your
wedding, man.
Jeff is wide-eyed at Tucker in frustration and anger.
TUCKER (CONT'D)
We’ll just go out in town. We can
do Charlotte after your honeymoon.
A beat.
TUCKER (CONT'D)
Kristy, that way you can come too.
KRISTY
Sure, that sounds like fun
actually.
Tucker grabs Jeff’s duffel from him and gives it to Kristy.
TUCKER
(to Kristy)
He doesn’t need this anymore.
(to Jeff)
You ready, dude?
26.
Jeff nods.
TUCKER (CONT'D)
I’ll have him back by the morning.
And Kristy, you look hot as always.
Tucker gives Kristy a hug. She shakes her head, smiling.
KRISTY
(in light-hearted jest)
You are completely full of shit.
Take care of my Jeff.
TUCKER
Always.
24 EXT. JEFF’S APARTMENT BUILDING - MOMENTS LATER 24
Tucker and Jeff walk toward the car parked at the curb.
TUCKER
Charlotte, here we come.
JEFF
What?
TUCKER
Come on dude, do you really think
it’s possible to keep me from
something I want?
They reach the car and open their doors to get it.
TUCKER (CONT'D)
The more important question is, ARE
YOU READY TO GET SHIT-FACED AND
GRAB SOME TITTIES!?!
Tucker gets in and tries to hi-five Aaron who ignores him.
25 EXT./INT. TUCKER’S CAR - FREEWAY - AN HOUR LATER 25
Tucker’s ebullient. Jeff has a searching, purposeful stare.
Aaron looks bitter and disaffected.
AARON
We need to stop for food. My blood
sugar is getting low.
JEFF
Here’s what I don’t get: why did
you lie to her?
27.
(MORE)
You know I hate lying to Kristy.
It’s not like I wasn’t gonna go
anyway.
Tucker fiddles with a GPS unit in the dash, browsing for
nearby food options.
TUCKER
Oh please. When I walked in you had
so much surrender in your eyes I
thought your apartment was Vichy
France.
They pass a sign for, among other things, McDonalds.
AARON
If I don’t get a McGriddle soon, I
am going to call the authorities
and have them arrest you both for
kidnapping and conspiracy.
TUCKER
I don’t know how you eat
McGriddles. They look disgusting.
AARON
I can only assume from your
cavalier attitude that you have yet
to partake of the wonderment that
is the McGriddle. Let me enlighten
you.
26 INT. MCDONALDS TASTER KITCHEN 26
People in white lab coats are putting chemicals on processed
breakfast foods. Everything is painted red and yellow.
AARON (V.O.)
What happens is the One True God
grows McGriddles on trees in the
Elysian Fields with a heretofore
unused incantation.
27 INT. TUCKER’S CAR - FREEWAY 27 *
AARON *
He then proceeds to magic them down
to your local eatery.
28.
JEFF (CONT'D)
28 INT. MCDONALDS RESTAURANT KITCHEN 28
A wretched looking McDonalds employee hastily slaps a wrapper
on a McGriddle and fires it down the metal holding chute.
AARON (V.O.)
Where whatever societal reject
McDonalds has rescued off the dole
that week gently wraps them in
cellophane and passes them along to
you, the fortunate consumer.
29 INT. TUCKER’S CAR - CONTINUOUS 29
AARON
You proceed to ingest this finery
in the vain hope that your
obviously overmatched taste buds
can somehow grasp the delectable
intricacies that face them.
30 INT. MCDONALDS KITCHEN 30
A dirty fry cook pours some watery, yellow mixture into a
mold and tosses it in a microwave. He pulls a couple strips
of something from a box labeled “Fa-con” and slaps a slice of
pale, waxy “cheese” on top of it.
AARON (V.O.)
Is that egg? Why yes it is, and
bacon too. But wait--they didn't
add...yes they did, they did
indeed. They added cheese.
The fry cook dunks an english muffin into a giant open tub of
maple syrup. He pulls the english muffin out and accidentally
drops it on the floor. He quickly brushes off the larger
debris from the floor, and slaps the egg, cheese, and fa-cony
concoction between the two sides of the english muffin.
AARON (V.O.) (CONT'D)
And then, then my friend, they
wrapped it in a sumptuous pancake
bun! As your taste buds try to
process that amazing piece of
information...
29.
31 INT. TUCKER’S CAR 31
Aaron, surrounded by McGriddle detritus in the backseat,
takes a large orgasmic bite from a sandwich that looks like
it was smushed into a ball and dropped into a lint trap.
AARON (V.O.)
It hits them. The syrup nugget. The
motherfucking syrup nugget!! It
announces itself with a burst of
confectionery grandiosity the likes
of which your palate has never
seen.
32 INT. TUCKER’S CAR - CONTINUOUS 32
TUCKER
So you like them?
AARON
Allow me to phrase it another way.
33 INT. TUCKER’S APARTMENT - DREAM SCENE 33
Aaron is dressed like a ninja, with a McGriddle in one hand.
He sneaks up on Tucker and, in one fluid motion, whips the
wrapper off the McGriddle, crams it in Tucker’s mouth, places
the wrapper around his penis and humps Tucker from behind
before punching him violently at the base of his skull.
AARON (V.O.)
If you ever speak ill of the
McGriddle again I will personally
come to your home and force-feed
you one while I fuck you in the
butt with the wrapper as a condom
and then donkey punch you when the
infused syrup nugget explodes.
34 INT. TUCKER’S CAR - CONTINUOUS 34
TUCKER
You are so fucking weird.
Tucker veers onto a freeway off ramp with a tall McDonalds
sign looming up ahead.
30.
35 EXT. TUCKER’S CAR - CHARLOTTE, NC - EARLY EVENING 35
They drive through bar-lined downtown streets. Gorgeous women
in slutty clothes clog the sidewalks.
36 INT. TUCKER’S CAR 36
Heads on a swivel, Tucker rolls up the windows and child
locks them. McDonalds wrappers line the floor boards.
A beat.
JEFF
Who farted?
TUCKER
I don’t sm--
AARON
Oh my God!
Tucker bursts into hysterics as both Aaron and Jeff futilely
hit the down buttons on their windows.
AARON (CONT’D)
What is wrong with you? It smells
like you got buttfucked by a
garbage truck.
TUCKER
Hey, McDonalds was your idea.
AARON
DO NOT DISPARAGE THE MCGRIDDLE!
JEFF
Open the fucking window!
TUCKER
That’s some fermented ass juice
you’re smelling right there.
AARON
Where are my law books? This has to
count as a felony battery.
They come to a red light, he unlocks the windows, and they
stick their heads out like dogs. Tucker points to a trio of
overly made up Southern girls at the corner.
TUCKER
You guys have such weak
constitutions.
31.
(MORE)
I bet those girls over there
wouldn’t complain as much as you
two.
AARON
Of course they wouldn’t. They’re
hookers. They subject themselves to
anything for the right price.
TUCKER
Not every woman on the street is a
whore, dude. Watch, I’ll prove it.
Tucker leans out the window.
TUCKER (CONT’D)
Excuse me, Miss! How much for sex?
She is repulsed.
TUCKER (CONT’D)
See, she only fucks for free.
JEFF
Tucker, where are we going? Where’s
the strip club?
TUCKER
Dude, it’s not even seven. The club *
doesn’t open til ten. Let’s get *
some drinks first. Pregame. *
AARON
Wonderful. Now I can hate all these *
people up close instead of
baselessly judging them from inside
this metal fart coffin.
37 EXT. TAVERN - EVENING - MINUTES LATER 37
TUCKER
This place is sweet. Last time I
was here it was wall to wall hot
girls.
38 INT. TAVERN - CONTINUOUS 38
The guys walk in and stop dead in their tracks. It’s dead
except for a shit-housed party of unattractive middle aged
women and bits of birthday cake strewn everywhere.
JEFF
Yeah, this place is crawling with *
trim. Shame I’m taken.
32.
TUCKER (CONT'D)
AARON
It looks like Jenny Craig and Lane
Bryant had a knife fight in here.
A bouncer approaches them.
BOUNCER
Ten dollar cover tonight, guys.
TUCKER
Yeah right.
AARON
I will pay you ten dollars if we
can leave and pretend none of this
ever happened.
The bouncer softens a touch. *
BOUNCER *
Look dude, I wouldn’t be here *
either if I wasn’t getting paid. *
Just go to Whiskey Bar. Everyone’s *
there tonight. *
39 INT. WHISKEY BAR - EVENING - MINUTES LATER 39 *
The three walk into a crowded yuppie bar. It is the polar
opposite of the earlier place.
JEFF
Much better. Now this is what I
call a target rich environment.
AARON
I agree. I want to shoot every
single one of these bitches.
TUCKER *
Alright fellas, we have a little *
over two hours until Baby Dolls
opens. Let's see if we can't get *
some girls to go with us. *
AARON *
You want to pick up sluts, and take *
them to go see whores? *
TUCKER
If things go well.
They walk up the bar and angle to get the bartender’s
attention. Aaron nudges a fratty guy who’s talking to a girl.
33.
AARON *
Excuse me.
FRATTY
Yo, we were here first, bro.
AARON
So were the Indians. A lot of good
it did them.
FRATTY
What’d you call me?
TUCKER
He called you an idiot. *
FRATTY
Fuck you, dick.
Fratty sticks his finger in Tucker’s chest. Instead of
reacting to that, Tucker sees the girl Fratty was talking to.
TUCKER
Are you on a date with this guy?
She nods.
TUCKER (CONT’D)
Has he bragged about the kind of *
car he drives? Let me guess: a 3-
series. I bet he’s hinted at least
twice at how much money he makes.
Right?
She doesn’t say anything, which says everything.
TUCKER (CONT’D)
Awesome! How many times has he
mentioned that he works out? Did he
tell you about his gym and offer
you personal training? Don’t you
love $30,000 Millionaires?
AARON
(to Fratty)
Be honest: how many shirtless pics
do you have on your Myspace page?
A beat. The sorostitute giggles at Fratty.
34.
TUCKER
It’s a lot harder to pick up women
when you have to offer something
besides frat letters and GHB, isn’t
it? I bet you even have one of
those stupid frat rat names, like
Chance or Reed.
FRATTY
My name is Logan!
Everyone laughs, even the sorostitute. Fratty is defeated.
TUCKER
Should’ve moved when you had the
chance, huh tough guy?
Fratty gets visibly angry and two-hand pushes Tucker in the *
chest. In a flash, Jeff has Fratty in a rear naked choke and *
puts him out. Bouncers, who saw the whole thing transpire, *
come over and drag an unconscious Fratty away. *
TUCKER (CONT'D) *
(to the girl) *
There goes your ride. *
In the background the bartender sets up five pint glasses
half full with light beer in pyramid. He fills six shot
glasses with Amaretto and a Bacardi 151 float, and sets them
on the lips of the glasses. The bartender takes a huge swig
of Bacardi 151, puts a lighter up to his face, and blows a
massive fireball over the shot glasses. He hits one of the
shot glasses into the beer, starting a domino effect that
puts out the flames and fizzes up the beer in each glass. The
five bachelorette girls, Melissa, Christina, Amy, Ashley and
Mary, grab a glass and chug.
TUCKER (CONT'D)
What is that?
CHRISTINA
It’s called a Flaming Dr. Pepper
TUCKER
Do it again!
The bartender sets up three for the guys and they chug them.
TUCKER (CONT'D)
Holy shit! It tastes like Dr.
Pepper.
FLAMING BARTENDER
Hence the name.
35.
TUCKER
Do it again! Seven of them!
AARON
And with less sarcasm this time.
The bartender starts to set up the round. Tucker turns to the
bachelorette party.
TUCKER
OK, if this is a real bachelorette
party, who is the designated slut?
All the girls laugh except Mary.
MARY
Ugh! None of us are sluts!
TUCKER
That’s funny, normally the
designated cock-blocker is the fat
one.
The bartender sets up the shots for everyone.
TUCKER (CONT'D)
I think a toast is in order for my
buddy Jeff, who is also getting
married, and to the bride to be and
all her beautiful friends. Even the
bitchy prude. *
He raises his glass.
TUCKER (CONT’D)
Here's to the people we've met, and
to the people we've fucked,
And to those amongst us who've had
no such luck.
Here's to beer in the glass, and
vodka in the cup,
Here's to pokin' her in the ass, so
she won't get knocked up.
Here's to all of you, and here's to
me,
Together as friends we'll always
be,
But if we should ever disagree,
Then FUCK ALL OF YOU, HERE'S TO ME!
Everyone drinks and cheers.
36.
TUCKER (CONT'D)
Alright, but for real, which is the
naughty one?
ANGLE ON Aaron, next to Amy, a bubbly girl. She has a marker
and a “Hello, my porn name is” sticker. Her porn name is
“Bubbles State Route 17.”
AMY
What's your porn name?
AARON
Scott Peterson.
AMY
No no, not your real name. Here
I'll help you. What was your first
pet’s name?
AARON
I wasn’t allowed to have pets.
AMY
Okay let’s do it the other way
then: what’s your middle name?
AARON
Don't have one. Unless I missed it
between "Shut up" and “you’re
adopted” when I was a kid.
AMY
Well what street did you grow up
on?
AARON
I grew up in a cave.
AMY
Oh come on! Play along, it's fun.
Amy playfully nudges him.
AARON
If you touch me again, I will gut
you and grind you into pig slop.
Jeff and Tucker come over with a beer for Aaron as Amy bolts. *
TUCKER
Oh look, another girl who ran away
from you. Come on man, this night
is about you and Jeff.
37.
(MORE)
Remember what we talked about in
your apartment? Instead of being a
cockblocking curmudgeon, stop and
ask yourself What Would Tucker Do?,
and then do that instead.
AARON
Fine...but we can’t both go after
the girl with the lowest self
esteem.
Melissa walks up semi-drunkenly and sidles up to Tucker. *
AARON (CONT'D) *
Speak of the devil. *
TUCKER *
You finally ready to hook up? Or do *
we need to do another shot first? *
MELISSA *
(drunkenly flirtatious) *
You talk a big game, Mr. Man, but *
you don't look like much of a *
drinker to me. *
Tucker turns around and looks behind him.
TUCKER
Who are you talking to? Because you
can't be talking to me like that.
You couldn't tie my drinking shoes.
MELISSA
Let’s do shots.
JEFF
Isn’t she precious?
MELISSA *
We’ll do teams. *
TUCKER
Fine. Bachelor and hottest guy--me--
versus bachelorette and your
hottest friend.
Tucker scans the bachelorette party and points to a girl with
big fake tits and a naughty come hither look, Christina. She
smiles and comes over.
ASHLEY
Ugh. I think your friend is hotter
anyway.
38.
TUCKER (CONT'D)
She points to Aaron.
TUCKER
Yeah? Go talk to him for five
minutes. Now let’s get down to
business. Line'em up. And no girly
shit either. If it has sugar in it,
it's not a real shot. *
AARON
Technically, all alcohol has sugar
in it.
TUCKER
Thank you, Mr. Wizard.
ANGLE on Aaron standing at the bar next to an older lady who *
has a dog in her lap. *
OLDER LADY
I wish I were young again, and full
of piss and vinegar like you guys.
AARON
We're just full of alcohol and
McGriddles. You could do that.
OLDER LADY
Oh my! You are funny.
AARON
That's what my friends tell me, but
they’ll say anything to get laid.
Older Lady chuckles and looks down in her lap. Aaron is
holding his beer down and the dog is drinking from it.
OLDER LADY
What are you doing?! Oh my
goodness, Pookie, are you OK?
AARON
Your dog has a drinking problem,
you might want to get her into
doggie AA.
OLDER LADY
Why did you give beer to Pookie?!
AARON
Pookie drank my beer. There is a
difference.
39.
ANGLE on the four shot contest participants; shots lined up *
in front of them. Melissa and Christina pick up theirs and *
toast.
CHRISTINA
Give me chastity and continence,
but not yet! Saint Augustine!
They laugh and cheer. Tucker and Jeff kinda look at each
other and raise their next shots. *
JEFF
To alcohol, the cause of and
solution to, all of life's
problems. Homer Simpson.
They pound the shot. ANGLE on Aaron talking to Ashley. *
AARON
Jeff, she doesn't think we went to
the same high school.
ASHLEY
He doesn't even know what the
mascot is.
AARON
I think you're the one who doesn't
know. You're just trying to use
reverse psychology to steal the
answer from me. I will not fall
victim to your chicanery.
ASHLEY
Psssssh, nuh-uh. You're totally
faking.
JEFF
Here, we can settle this easy. *
Tucker thrusts a shot under Jeff’s nose and he does it. *
JEFF (CONT'D) *
Aaron'll whisper his answer to me *
in this ear and you whisper your
answer in the other. I’ll tell you
if he’s faking.
Ashley seems to think this makes sense, and whispers into
Jeff's ear. Aaron leans in and Jeff looks at him quizzically.
40.
JEFF (CONT'D)
Hmmm. Unless the mascot is "I'm
going to knock this girl
unconscious and anally fist her," I
don't think he went to your school.
AARON *
Oh, I’m the cockblocker! *
ANGLE on Tucker talking to Christina.
TUCKER
So what’s up with the bitchy one,
Mary?
CHRISTINA
Ehh, you know how it is.
They do their shots as part of the ongoing contest. *
TUCKER
Yeah, it must suck to be that ugly. *
CHRISTINA
She’s not ugly!
TUCKER
Women are the worst at judging
their friends. Have you looked at
her face? Bums wouldn’t fuck her. *
ANGLE ON Ashley and Aaron. A Grillionaire song comes on. The
video plays on the TV screens behind the bar.
ASHLEY
Oh boy, Grillionaire!
GRILLIONAIRE
I don’t touch no bills under
twenty, ho.
Cuz George Washington’s smell like
poverty, yo.
AARON
You like him?
ASHLEY
I love him! He’s so hot!
Ashley moves her hands impersonating Grillionaire.
ASHLEY (CONT’D)
WHAT IT DO BABY! GRILLIONAIRE IN DA
HOUSE!
41.
AARON
Get out of my face, or I will carve
another fuckhole into your torso.
Ashley looks at him wide-eyed and walks away.
JEFF
Captain No Pussy strikes again!
ANGLE on the bar as four more shots appear. Tucker sniffs his *
and recoils. *
TUCKER *
I'm not doing tequila. That stuff *
is Special Olympics in a glass. *
Aaron leans in and sniffs him. *
AARON *
I smell a pussy. *
Tucker glares at him and raises his shot glass. *
MELISSA *
I’m every woman, it’s all in me! *
Whitney Houston. *
JEFF *
That’s actually a Chaka Khan song. *
They all look at Jeff awkwardly. *
JEFF (CONT'D) *
Well it is! *
They pound the shot. It’s Tucker’s turn. *
TUCKER *
This is for all you bitches, ho's *
and tricks, I wouldn't talk to any *
of you, if I didn't have a dick. *
Tucker Max. *
Jeff and Tucker cheers and do their shots. *
MARY *
(snottily) *
Who is Tucker Max? *
Melissa and Christina do their shots and gag. *
MELISSA
OK, you guys win.
42.
TUCKER
Six shots? That’s it?! SIX SHOTS!? *
You may be able to vote and drive, *
but you’ll never be equal!!
MARY
Ugh, that is so misogynist.
TUCKER *
No it isn’t. If I said that women *
belong chained to the stove with *
just enough slack to reach the *
bedroom, that would be misogynist. *
MARY *
Excuse me? *
TUCKER *
What I said was sexist. And a *
fucking joke. Not that your spoiled *
pageant girl ass would know the *
difference. *
MARY *
Fine, you're sexist and misogynist. *
Good for you. *
AARON *
Tucker, you misogynist Neanderthal. *
Why do you hate women so much? *
TUCKER *
(nearly exasperated) *
I don't hate women. I love women! *
Why else would I put up with all *
their shit?! *
A beat. *
MARY *
You know what-- *
TUCKER *
I just don't like you as a person, *
because you’re a fucking bitch. And *
that has nothing to do with whether *
or not you have tits. *
Pindrop silence. A beat. Aaron faux leans into Tucker. *
AARON
(exaggerated bar whisper)
Tucker, that’s not good game. *
43.
Mary looks at him like he’s a used condom. Melissa is
sincerely hurt.
MELISSA
You’re really mean.
MARY
Come on, let’s get out of here.
Jeff pulls Mary and Melissa aside as they start to leave.
JEFF
Hold on.
Jeff follows Mary and Melissa as they make for the exit. *
Aaron looks at Tucker and shakes his head. *
TUCKER *
What? I’m pretty sure it’s what *
Jesus would have said. *
ANGLE ON Jeff near the door. He’s managed to pull the girls *
aside. *
JEFF *
I’m sorry. You have to excuse my
friend, sometimes he doesn’t know
the line between witty banter and
hate speech. He’s got mommy issues.
MELISSA
What do you mean?
Jeff does the thumb-and-pinky drinky drink gesture.
JEFF
Mom was the life of the party.
40 INT. FAMILY HOME - FLASHBACK - 1990 40
Little Tucker is parked in front of a TV watching a soap
opera with his mother. She’s got a cigarette in one hand and
a giant goblet of chablis in the other. She’s hammered.
LITTLE TUCKER
Mommy, where do babies come from?
MOM
Go ask your deadbeat father and his
fancy new wife.
As she says “fancy” she juggles her hands over her breasts,
sloshing her wine and ashing her cigarette on the sofa.
44.
41 INT. BAR - BACK TO SCENE 41
JEFF
He really is a good guy. He’s just
a little quick on the trigger.
MARY
(snottily)
He looks like a premature
ejaculator.
JEFF
Well, he does have a fast car.
The joke at Tucker’s expense disarms the girls, who chuckle
as he comes over to see what the hold up is.
JEFF (CONT'D)
Tell you what, come to the strip
club with us, and drinks are on
him.
MELISSA
That sounds like a plan. We’ll meet
you guys there.
TUCKER
(to Christina)
I know you’ll be there.
42 EXT. STREET - WHISKEY BAR - NIGHT - MOMENTS LATER 42
The three spill out onto the street.
TUCKER
Jeff, call Information, find out *
where this club is. *
JEFF
Don’t you know where it is?
TUCKER
No, why would I know that?
AARON
You said you did.
TUCKER
I said that?
JEFF
YES! *
45.
TUCKER
Oh. Well, I can’t be held
accountable for the things that
come out of my mouth.
A homeless STREET MUSICIAN near them starts playing "Friends *
in Low Places" as Jeff gets on the phone. Tucker puts his arm *
around him and joins in. *
TUCKER (CONT’D)
CAUUUUSE I GOT FRIENDS IN LOW
PLACES, WHERE THE WHISKEY DROWNS
AND AARON CHASES GIRLS AWAY...AND
JEFF IS GAY.
The musician stops because Tucker screwed up the lyrics.
STREET MUSICIAN *
Those aren’t the words, man.
AARON *
We will not be contradicted by a *
man who works out of a hat. *
STREET MUSICIAN *
Hey man, do you like, have any
change man?
AARON
Tell you what, I’ll give you all my
change if you give me that can of
beer in your pocket.
Jeff approaches frustrated, with the phone to his ear as the *
street musician hands the beer to Aaron. *
STREET MUSICIAN *
OK, man. Here you go. *
AARON *
Unfortunately, I don't have any *
change, but thanks for the beer. *
JEFF *
(hand over mouthpiece) *
Hey, do you know where this fucking *
club is? Baby Dolls. *
STREET MUSICIAN *
Yeah man, get my beer back and I’ll *
tell you. It’s all I had, man. *
That’s my dinner. *
He motions toward Aaron as Jeff snaps his phone shut. *
46.
JEFF *
Aaron. Give it back. There’s beer *
at the club. It’s cold, even. *
Aaron hesitates, holding the can of beer triumphantly. *
AARON *
I’m not gonna drink it. It’s *
symbolic of my victory over him. *
TUCKER *
He’s a homeless street musician! He *
already lost. *
AARON *
And do you think that perhaps his *
poor negotiation skills have *
something to do with that? Hmmmm? *
Jeff rips the beer out of Aaron’s hand and gives it back. *
JEFF *
Sorry about that. *
STREET MUSICIAN *
Thanks. The club’s straight down *
the street like a mile or two. *
A beat, as he looks at the trio expectantly. *
STREET MUSICIAN (CONT'D) *
Does anyone have any change? *
They pat their pockets and shrug. *
43 EXT. BABY DOLLS STRIP CLUB- CHARLOTTE - NIGHT - MOMENTS LAT4E3R *
Baby Dolls is a pink one-story building with giant pictures
of half-naked girls looming over it from the billboard in the
parking lot. The neon molding and signage can be seen from
miles away. The guys walk in.
44 INT. BABY DOLLS STRIP CLUB - MOMENTS LATER 44
The club is bumping. Hot naked women everywhere. A host
escorts the guys to a great table. Three gorgeous strippers
come up to them and sit on their laps.
AARON
Unless your breasts expel vodka and
tonic, you can feel free to leave.
47.
STRIPPER 1
Don’t worry baby, drinks will be
here any minute.
AARON
In the mean time, I am obligated to
inform you that, pursuant to
Megan's Law, I am a convicted sex
offender. So, how old are you?
STRIPPER 1
Rape isn’t funny.
AARON
What if the rapist is a mime, or a
Shriner?
Stripper 1 gives him a look.
AARON (CONT’D)
OK fine, rape isn’t funny, but
murder can be.
STRIPPER 1
Murder isn’t funny either.
AARON
Maybe not to you, but if the
murderer was a clown, that would be
funny to me.
STRIPPER 1
How is that funny?
AARON
Because he is happy on the outside,
but sad on the inside.
STRIPPER 1
What?
AARON
Sad clown wanna kill somebody?
Stripper 1 gets up and leaves. Tucker shoots a look at Aaron.
STRIPPER 2
(to Jeff)
What's wrong with him?
JEFF
He went through a bad break-up.
48.
TUCKER
You have a friend for him?
STRIPPER 2
My friends would never put up with
this kind of abuse.
Incredulous, Aaron laughs in her face and makes a “T” with
his hands over his head.
AARON
Okay, I’m going to call a timeout
here, so the lesser comedians in
the room have a chance to come up
with their own stripper abuse joke.
Stripper 2 tries to respond. Aaron puts a finger to her lips.
AARON (CONT'D)
Shhhh...I would rather mainline
Drain-o than listen to your whoreprattle
for another second. Less
talkie! More boobie!
STRIPPER 2
You know what, I don’t need this.
AARON
Said the fat girl to the cupcake.
Strippers 2 & 3 get up and leave in disgust.
TUCKER
Three down, only ninety-seven to
go. Good job dumbass.
Liz, the waitress, arrives to drop off drinks and a round of
shots. They do the shots and gag.
TUCKER (CONT’D)
Holy Christ, what is that?
LIZ
It’s the house special.
JEFF
What’s it called? Antifreeze?!
LIZ
It’s cognac and Alize. We call it
“Thug Passion.”
49.
Each of them immediately reaches for their waters. Lara, the *
stripper who was just on stage, passes their table on her *
way, ostensibly, to the dressing room. *
LARA
Are you guys drinking water? We
don’t allow Mormons in here.
AARON
It’s “Thug Passion.” What mom put
in your bottle so she could watch
Young & The Restless in peace.
LARA
My mom used bourbon, all the sugar
in cognac made me hyper. What’d
your mom use?
AARON
I didn’t get the bottle.
LARA
That’s not too surprising. Judging
by the distance between your eyes,
it looks like she drank it all
while you were still in the womb.
Aaron stammers over a comeback and falls silent. Tucker and
Jeff stare at each other.
TUCKER
Did she just make a fetal alcohol
joke?
Tucker hands her a twenty dollar bill. *
TUCKER (CONT’D)
When you are done changing or *
whatever, come back over and keep *
talking shit to him. Bring a friend *
for the bachelor, too. *
Lara smiles and makes for the back of the house. Tucker turns *
his attention to the hot stripper that has come over to him.
JADE
If we get a champagne room, we can
do anything we want.
TUCKER
If we go back to my hotel room, we
can do anything we want too.
50.
JADE
But then I don’t make any money.
Tucker pauses and contemplates this offer.
TUCKER
I'll give you twenty dollars.
JADE
(laughing)
No. It's four hundred, baby. But
you're cute and funny; I'll do it
for three fifty.
TUCKER
Twenty five.
JADE
Three hundred twenty five?
TUCKER
No, just twenty five.
JADE
I have to give the club a hundred
to get the room for an hour.
TUCKER
My attention span won’t last an
hour. Thirty dollars.
JADE
That won't even pay for our drinks.
TUCKER
That’s OK, I’m already drunk.
ANGLE ON Lara coming over and sitting down next to Aaron and
another girl sitting next to Jeff, who he summarily ignores.
AARON
If you must know, my parents yelled
at me, sent me to my room and
ignored me.
LARA
If I was your mom, I would have
locked you away and ignored you
too.
51.
AARON
If you were my mom, I would’ve been
raised by a talentless hooker
instead of a nagging shrew. There’s
a lose-lose.
LARA
You’re awfully bitter for a pastyfaced
shut in. Have you always been
this mean, or did some girl trade
you in for a better model?
JEFF
Yes, you’re right! His girl did
dump him!
TUCKER
For Grillionaire of all people!
LARA
Grillionaire? Like, “What it do
baby” Grillionaire with the
diamonds in his teeth? Oh wow. She
couldn’t even pick a good white
rapper, like Paul Wall?
AARON
She may be a vacuous slut with no
taste, but at least she’s not a
stripper.
LARA
You think you’re so clever. I know
a hundred insecure assholes just
like you.
AARON
I’m sure your mother’s boyfriends
were all great guys.
LARA
If I had a dollar for every time I
heard a broken home joke I’d have
enough to buy ComiCon tickets for *
you and all the other orc mage *
failures on your buddy list.
Whatever, I have to go.
Lara gets up quickly and walks toward the dressing room.
TUCKER
No, no, no you can’t go.
52.
JEFF
(in Mortal Combat voice)
Finish him!
Tucker and Jeff pop up and chase her down.
LARA
I’ve really gotta get home soon.
TUCKER
You need to keep talking shit to
him.
JEFF
He can’t handle it when a woman
gets the best of him.
LARA
I know. And I’ve learned my lesson
with guys like your friend.
TUCKER
He’s different. There is a
beautiful flower inside that onion,
I promise. You just have to peel
the layers and fight back the
tears. I'll pay your normal dance
rate, just stay and talk to him.
The trio returns to the table.
AARON
Dance monkey, dance for your
dollar!
LARA
All I have to do is insult him,
right? No dancing?
Tucker nods ascent. She takes his money.
LARA (CONT’D)
Hmm...What’s your name?
AARON
It’s Aaron, but let's skip the
pleasantries and go straight to the
part where you call me Captain Kirk
and give me a handjob in the alley.
LARA
You’re a Star Trek nerd? Color me
shocked. Live long and prosper,
dork.
53.
She gives him the Vulcan greeting and slowly folds it into a
middle finger. ANGLE ON Tucker and Jade.
TUCKER
Hold on, if I’m cute and funny,
then why are you charging me?
That’s no way to start a
relationship.
JADE
I don’t need a relationship, I
already have a boyfriend.
TUCKER
Shit baby, I don't want that kind
of relationship. I just want to
fuck you. I’m a great fuck buddy. *
JADE
Okay then, potential Fuck Buddy,
how big is your dick?
TUCKER
How big is your mouth?
They flirtatiously stare each other down as we ANGLE ON Lara
and Aaron.
AARON
You're calling me a dork? You are
the one with a video game
character’s name.
LARA
I was named after Agustin Lara.
JEFF
Who is that?
LARA
He was a famous Mexican
intellectual.
AARON
Ha ha, that’s a funny joke.
LARA
No funnier than you catching your
girlfriend blowing Grillionaire.
(pausing to taunt Aaron)
Oooh, body blow, body blow, body
blow, leeeeeft hooooook!
The guys sit stunned.
54.
JEFF
You like Mike Tyson Punch Out?
AARON
I call bullshit. Who was your
favorite guy to fight?
LARA
I liked Soda Popinski because he’s
drinking a Forty in his picture.
Tucker leans into Aaron and says in a bar whisper.
TUCKER
This is your dream girl. If you
don’t make this happen you will be *
a disgrace to the entire GTA *
playing community. *
Lara hears the mention of the GTA video game.
LARA
Oh, I will destroy you in GTA!
AARON
Of course you will. And you’re an
‘exotic dancer’, not a ‘stripper.’
LARA
You can’t handle a girl who’s
better than you at a stupid game?
AARON
You can beat me at GTA? Hey, while
we’re in this fantasy land, why
don’t we drive your flying car over
to the bank and get you approved
for a low-interest home loan.
TUCKER
I bet you a hundred dollars that
she will beat you at GTA.
AARON
I’m not betting on a video game.
Betting is illegal.
Lara leans in close to Aaron and sniffs him.
LARA
I smell a pussy.
AARON
Well then douche before work.
55.
TUCKER
Two hundred dollars.
AARON
I can’t leave. Jeff’s bachelor
party is the whole reason we came.
JEFF
Don’t let me keep you here. Nothing
would make me happier than to see
you lose to her at a video game.
AARON
I might consider it if we had a
place to play and I had my special
controller.
LARA
My shift just ended. We can play at
my house. I have everything but
your candy ass little controller.
JEFF
Then it’s a bet.
AARON
I’m not going to some vile stripper
den. You know her baby daddy is *
just waiting for me to walk through
the front door so he can roll me
and steal my organs.
LARA
How are you friends with this guy?
JEFF
I have no idea. How are you still
attracted to him?
AARON
Probably has something to do with
the happy confluence of my
sarcastic, standoffish sense of
humor and the inability of her stepfathers
to show her any affection.
Jeff's phone rings.
JEFF
Hey honey, what's up?
ANGLE on Tucker addressing Aaron.
56.
TUCKER
(in a bar whisper)
Dude, What Would Tucker Do? You're
going.
Tucker gives Lara two hundred dollar bills.
TUCKER (CONT’D)
If you beat him, this is yours. If
not, I expect it back. And not in
sweaty crumpled $1 bills.
45 INT. CARNIVAL SUPPLY STORE - SIMULTANEOUS 45
Kristy is lying on a big bouncy castle, testing it out. Her
mother is looking on disapprovingly.
KRISTY
Have you finally calmed down?
JEFF (O.S.)
Yeah, I'm not mad at you anymore.
KRISTY
Gee, thanks. Are you having fun?
How is Tucker handling the "No
Touch" rule?
46 INT. BABY DOLLS STRIP CLUB - SIMULTANEOUS 46
Jade is on Tucker's lap and rubbing his inner thigh and
crotch.
JEFF
He's coping.
A new dancer is about to come on stage and the DJ pipes up.
DJ (O.C.)
Welcome to the stage, twice the
bright and half the height,
Charlotte's very own....RAINBOW
BRITE!!
47 INT. CARNIVAL SUPPLY STORE - SIMULTANEOUS 47
Kristy sits up.
KRISTY
Jeff, where are you?
JEFF (O.S.)
A club.
57.
KRISTY
No, where are you? Geographically.
JEFF (O.S.)
North Carolina.
Kristy gets up off the bouncy castle with a start.
KRISTY
I can’t believe this.
KRISTY’S MOTHER
(to the salesman)
We’re not going to be needing this
anymore.
48 INT. BABY DOLLS - SIMULTANEOUS 48
Lara grabs Aaron and starts dragging him away from the table.
Panic starts seeping through Jeff's drunken exterior.
KRISTY (O.S.)
Put Aaron on the phone.
JEFF
He’s leaving with a stripper.
KRISTY (O.S.)
Jeff, we both know that's
ridiculous. Put Aaron on the phone.
Jeff flags down Aaron before he gets too far and waves the
phone. He covers the receiver as he hands it to Aaron.
JEFF
Kristy wants to talk to you. She
thinks we're not in Durham.
TUCKER
Tell her we're in Durham.
AARON
Hi Kristy.
KRISTY (O.S.)
Aaron, where are you guys?
AARON
We're at a strip club in Charlotte.
Gotta go.
Aaron hands the phone back. Tucker and Jeff look at him in
disbelief.
58.
AARON (CONT'D)
Don't look at me like that. I'm not
lying for you miscreants. My moral
compass doesn't point straight down
my pants.
Lara takes Aaron by the hand again and leads him away.
JADE
Is your friend actually going to
seal the deal with Lara?
TUCKER
I’m just hoping he doesn’t kill
her.
Liz comes by with bottle service. A bottle of champagne and a
bottle of vodka, with the accoutrements.
49 INT. CARNIVAL SUPPLY STORE - SIMULTANEOUS 49
Kristy and her mom are navigating their way toward the exit.
KRISTY
Jeff, why did you go to Charlotte?
JEFF (O.S.)
I...Tucker...I...I'm sorry.
KRISTY
Again, Jeff? Again with Tucker. Are
you his keeper? Is that your role?
Is that what you do? Hang out,
swoop in and save him, and take the
hit? I don’t get it.
JEFF (O.S.)
No. I don’t know.
KRISTY
What I really don't understand is
why you had to lie to me. We
promised we’d always be honest with
each other.
JEFF (O.S.)
I don't know...I don’t know why we
lied. Are you--
KRISTY
Stop saying “we”. I don’t care why
Tucker did what he did. I only care
about what you did.
59.
A beat.
JEFF (O.S.)
You’re really mad.
KRISTY
I don't know what I am. Hurt, I
guess. Really disappointed. I don’t
know what to think. I've got to go.
Kristy hangs up as they reach the exit.
KRISTY'S MOM
I told you Episcopalians were no
good.
50 INT. BABY DOLLS - SIMULTANEOUS 50
Jeff looks at his cell phone, stunned, as the call
disconnects.
TUCKER
Whatever, she'll get over it. Just
tell her it’s my fault.
JEFF
IT IS YOUR FAULT!
TUCKER
Eh, six of one. Don’t sweat it,
what happens in Charlotte, stays in
Charlotte.
JEFF
No it doesn’t! My fiance is in
Durham and she’s fucking pissed!
Tucker takes one of the chilling glasses, fills it with
vodka, and hands it to Jeff.
TUCKER
Solution to life’s problems,
remember? *
Jeff takes it and gives Tucker a ‘fuck you' look as Rainbow
Brite’s song ends and the DJ chimes in again.
DJ (O.C.)
Give it up for Rainbow Brite
everybody! And now, it’s time to
call all dancers to the main stage
for Bachelor Party Duty! Someone
needs a spanking!
60.
TUCKER
Dude, you're going on stage! You
psyched?!
Something catches Tucker's attention on the periphery.
TUCKER (CONT'D)
I'll be right back. I'm gonna go
get Rainbow Brite.
JADE
What about your friend? You can’t
leave him alone in his condition.
TUCKER
He’ll be fine. He’s a big boy. *
Tucker bolts for the back of the house. Jeff ignores him,
finishes his pint of vodka and pours another. *
51 EXT./INT LARA’S CAR - LARA’S DRIVEWAY - MOMENTS LATER 51
Aaron and Lara are parked in Lara’s driveway.
LARA
I need to tell you something before
we go inside.
AARON
I fucking knew it. I’m gonna get *
jumped. They’re going to take my
kidneys-- *
LARA
No, I have a son. *
An awkward silence settles over them for a beat or two.
LARA (CONT'D)
He’ll be asleep, but I wanted to
tell you before you tripped over
his GI Joes in the living room.
AARON
What’s his name?
LARA
Jack.
AARON
Is he named after his baby daddy or
the liquor he was conceived on? *
61.
LARA
No. It’s just a strong name. I
think a little boy needs a strong
name. I’m not a big fan of those
androgynous names like Terry or Pat
or Aar--
Lara catches herself and shoots a quick glance at Aaron who
knows exactly why she cut herself off.
AARON
Bitch. Well, I can’t say I’m
shocked. Having a kid is one of the
top three excuses women use to
justify stripping.
LARA
Really? What are the other two?
AARON
The “paying my way through college”
lie heads up that list. It’s in the
Whore Logic Hall of Fame.
LARA
And the other one?
AARON
“It’s better than being a hooker or
doing porn.”
LARA
Strippers don’t actually say that!
AARON
Bullshit they don’t. You need to
watch Maury Povich.
52 INT. DJ BOOTH - SIMULTANEOUS 52
STRIP CLUB DJ
And now, the man of the hour, our
bachelor of the night, Jeff Smith! *
Four strippers grab a visibly drunk Jeff, and pull him on
stage. Confused, he tries to fight them off. One tries to
remove his belt and he pulls back on it, yelling at her to
get away. The stripper let's go and Jeff jerks back, his
elbow accidentally clocking the stripper behind him in the
nose. She grabs her face screaming. Jeff bends over to
apologize, when the other strippers start punching and
beating him with whips. Jeff backpedals and falls off the
stage, cracking his face on a table, creating a huge mess.
62.
Jeff gets up with a huge gash on his face, blood spilling
down his shirt, when the bouncers grab him and start dragging
him toward a side exit.
JEFF
(frantic, his head
whipping around)
Get off me! TUCKER, GET THESE
ASSHOLES OFF ME! TUCKER!!
The bouncers throw him out.
53 INT. LARA’S HOUSE - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS 53
Lara and Aaron walk quietly into the living room. JACK, 7,
is playing with a large collection of toy soldiers, GI Joes
and Lego men that he’s arranged in phalanxes for a toy war.
LARA
Jack! Aren’t you supposed to be in
bed?
JACK
Aunt Bunny let me stay up and play.
LARA
It doesn’t matter, your bedtime is
your bedtime.
AARON
Are the GI Joes the good guys?
Shy, like the typical 7 year old boy, Jack keeps his eyes
focused on his toys and nods to Aaron in the affirmative.
AARON (CONT’D)
You have some Transformers here
too. You can’t mix genres like
this. It screws up morale and
jeopardizes the efficacy of your
tactics.
JACK
But Optimus Prime has a big cool
gun.
AARON
OK, we’ll work with it. What are
you playing?
JACK
The GI Joes are going to surprise
attack the Legos.
63.
AARON
I know you are just seven, but it’s
time you learned how to set up a
proper L-shaped ambush. This
rigmarole you have here just won’t
work, your flanks are exposed and
you are vulnerable to an enfilade
from the Lego artillery.
JACK
What is a flank?
Shocked, Aaron shoots a disapproving glance toward Lara.
AARON
It’s a good thing I came.
54 EXT. OUTSIDE BABY DOLLS - MOMENTS LATER 54
Jeff is pissing in the alley, one hand holding the bloodsoaked
cocktail napkins to his head, the other holding his
penis. A cop comes up.
OFFICER
What the hell are you doin'?
JEFF
What does it look like I'm doing?
OFFICER
We're trying to keep this
neighborhood pristine, and you're
over here pissing up the place.
This is an actionable offense.
JEFF
Oooohhhh! Is Mr. Plastic Badge
gonna give me a ticket?! How will I
ever face my life again?
OFFICER
What did you say to me boy?
JEFF
I have a question, Deputy Dipshit.
Are you a cop because that was the
only job you could get with a
G.E.D., or is it how you compensate
for your erectile dysfunction?
ANGLE on the patrol car pulling away with Jeff trying to kick
out the back window. They pass the bachelorette party, who
are about to head into the strip club.
64.
55 INT. LARA’S HOUSE - NIGHT - LATER 55
Aaron and Jack are still on the living room floor fully
ensconced in war with Jack’s GI Joes. Lara is staring at him
with a mix of bewilderment and amusement.
AARON
OK, now your GI Joes are perfectly
set up for the ambush. Once the
Legos come into this kill zone, no
matter what they do, they’re toast.
JACK
And my flanks are covered with
supporting suppressive fire from
Optimus Prime!
AARON
You might not grow up to be a
failure at life after all.
LARA
Ok, it’s time for bed now. Say
thank you to Aaron for teaching
you...how to attack your Legos.
JACK
Thanks, Aaron. Can you teach me
other ambushes tomorrow?
AARON
I think I’ve stunted your growth
enough for one week. Maybe next
time I’ll teach you how to use
caustic humor as a mask for your *
inability to relate to people on a
personal level.
JACK
Yay! Good night Aaron. ‘night, Mom.
56 INT. MECKLENBERG COUNTY JAIL - A FEW MINUTES LATER 56
Jeff is in the drunk tank, surrounded by a bunch of Mexicans.
JEFF
I need to get out and talk to my
wife or she’ll never take me back!
Who’s with me!?
MEXICAN NUMERO UNO
I’m da only one who speaks English,
mane.
65.
Jeff enthusiastically jumps up on the bench.
JEFF
Esta bien bendejos, yo hablo
espanol! [subtitle: It’s okay
bitches, I speak Spanish!]
57 INT. OUTSIDE THE JAIL CELL - SIMULTANEOUS 57
The cops behind the desk hear some screaming from the cell.
GOOD COP
What is going on in there?
BAD COP
I’ll check it out.
58 INT. JAIL CELL - SIMULTANEOUS 58
JEFF
Yo veo los tenedores! Tendremos una
revolucion estrenimiento!
[subtitle: I see the forks! We will
have a constipated revolution!]
The Mexicans stare at each other in confusion.
BAD COP
What the hell is going on in here?
JEFF
Su madre es puta para baaah baaaah!
Sigame al bano!
[subtitle: His mother is a
prostitute for goats! Follow me to
the toilet!]
Bad Cop whacks Jeff with his night stick and he collapses on
the floor.
59 INT. BEDROOM - SIMULTANEOUS 59
Tucker is having vigorous sex with a woman you can't quite
see in the darkness except for her multi-colored socks. It’s
Rainbow Brite. Tucker’s absolutely thrilled with himself.
60 INT. LARA’S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS 60
Lara and Aaron are sitting on the sofa playing GTA. It’s at
the part where Aaron got killed a couple days before.
AARON
Jack is a great kid. Damnit.
66.
Aaron’s character is getting beaten up by the hooker.
LARA
Thanks.
AARON
I usually want to kick most kids
into a wood chipper. No, what the?!
How is that whore kicking my ass?!
Are you playing the hooker!? That’s
not possible.
Aaron’s character just got heel-stomped in the nuts.
LARA
That means a lot. He’s had a tough
time since his dad left. It’s a
secret cheat code this girl on a
gaming messageboard developed.
AARON
Why did he leave? Get off of me!
Lara’s character is stealing Aaron’s character’s wallet.
LARA
He thought I was cheating on him,
so he decided to “get even” and
screw anything that moved.
AARON
Were you? I mean, it wouldn’t
surprise me. Your entire gender is
hard-wired for whoredom.
Sonuvabitch, that’s my head!
Lara’s character has stolen Aaron’s character’s car and is
backing over his head with it.
LARA
I hate when men randomly bash
women. It’s like this pathetic
defense mechanism you guys put up
when you know you are attracted to
a woman who might not be into you.
AARON
That’s not true.
LARA
Yes it is. It’s easier to call a
girl a whore than admit to yourself
that she’s out of your league.
67.
AARON
That’s some whore logic if I’ve
ever heard it.
LARA
Anyone is capable of being a whore,
Aaron. Being a woman does not de
facto make you one.
AARON
It does if you’re a cum-guzzling *
demon slut. *
LARA
Fine, but your ex is only
representative of herself, not her
whole gender. Her actions don’t
mean that I am a whore, simply
because we’re both women.
AARON
So did you cheat? Let me guess, if *
you’re getting paid it “doesn’t *
count”.
LARA
No, Aaron, I’ve never cheated on *
anyone. Or used sex as a weapon. *
Lara’s character hops out of the car and snuffs out the last
bits of Aaron’s life by smothering him with her breasts.
AARON
Motherfucker!
LARA
If you ever want to find love
again, you have to get over these
childish notions you have. If you
don’t, your personal life is going
to remain the steaming pile of shit
it is now.
Aaron’s character finally dies. He hurls his controller
toward the television.
AARON
If I kiss you, will you shut up
already?
Without waiting for a response, Aaron kisses Lara.
68.
INT. LARA’S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS *
Aaron and Lara make sweet, sweet love. Maybe a little awkward *
at first, it settles into decidedly un-stripper like sex. *
INT. JEFF AND KRISTY’S BEDROOM *
Kristy is still up, trying to read a book, but seems a bit *
distracted. She plucks her cell phone from the bedside table *
and flips it open. ANGLE ON the cell phone *
MISSED CALLS MENU *
NONE *
Disappointed, she closes the phone, tosses the book where *
Jeff would normally be, and turns out the light. *
INT. LARA’S BEDROOM *
Lara is asleep. Aaron, still awake in a non-peeping tom non- *
rapist kind of way, is watching her sleep by the light of the *
hallway through the slightly opened bedroom door. The bitter *
defensive veneer has finally cracked. *
61 INT. BEDROOM - SIMULTANEOUS 61
Tucker and his stripper fuck buddy are reaching climax,
Tucker pushes her small feet out of his mouth, finishes, and
collapses into the bed, drunk and exhausted.
62 INT. MECKLENBERG COUNTY JAIL - NEXT MORNING - 8:41AM 62
Jeff wakes up on the cement jail floor in a pool of vile,
brownish liquid. He has a new welt over his other eye. He is
surrounded by a crew of Mexicans chatting in ghetto Spanish.
JEFF
Where am I? Eh, Donde esta vatos
locos?
MEXICAN NUMERO UNO
Drunk tank, ese.
MEXICAN NUMERO DOS
Muy muy burracho, mane.
There’s a pay phone on the wall. Jeff has no money.
JEFF
I need to make a collect call to
323-351-7640.
69.
OPERATOR
State your name after the beep.
JEFF
Jeff.
63 INT. BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS 63
Tucker's still asleep. He pays no attention to his vibrating
cell phone, scooting along the bedroom floor.
64 INT. JAIL CELL - CONTINUOUS 64
JEFF
Try 281-330-8004.
OPERATOR
State your name after the beep.
JEFF
(annoyed)
Jeff.
65 INT. LARA'S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS 65
Aaron's cell is in his jacket pocket, which is in the living
room. He is in the bedroom.
66 INT. JAIL CELL - CONTINUOUS 66
Jeff is leaning his head against the pay phone.
JEFF
Damnit, where the hell are you!?
OPERATOR
I’m right here, sir.
JEFF
Not you, could you try 919-555-
8971?
OPERATOR
State your name.
JEFF
GODDAMNIT YOU KNOW MY FUCKING NAME
(beep sounds)
JUST MAKE THE FUCKING CALL SO I
DON’T SPEND THE REST OF MY GODDAMN
LIFE IN JAIL!!
70.
67 INT. JEFF’S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS 67
Kristy is asleep in their bed. Her cell phone rings. She
groggily picks up.
KRISTY
Hello?
OPERATOR
This is the Mecklenberg County Jail
Operator with a collect call from:
Jeff’s recorded voice clicks in.
JEFF (V.O.)
JUST MAKE THE FUCKING CALL SO I
DON’T SPEND THE REST OF MY GODDAMN
LIFE IN JAIL!!
KRISTY
Jeff?
68 INT. JAIL CELL - CONTINUOUS 68
Jeff looks sick to his stomach.
JEFF
Hi, honey.
KRISTY (O.S.)
What happened? Where are you?
JEFF
I’m in jail. Can you come get me? *
A long, pregnant pause.
KRISTY (O.S.)
No, Jeff. Tucker said he has your *
back, so let him have it. *
Kristy hangs up and the line clicks over.
OPERATOR (O.S.)
Can I help you with anything else?
JEFF
Can you come bail me out?
OPERATOR (O.S.)
Excuse me?
JEFF
Nevermind.
71.
Jeff slides slowly down the cell wall to the floor. He’s a *
sad beaten, swollen slumped mass of exhausted rejection. *
69 EXT. LARA’S HOUSE - FRONT DOOR - MORNING 69
Tucker jogs up the walk and knocks. Aaron answers the door. *
Jack is innocently wrapped around his lower leg fighting the *
Optimus Prime against the Cobra Commander. *
TUCKER
(slightly unsettled)
So how’d it go? Everything good?
AARON
Of course. What did you think was
going to happen?
TUCKER
What do I hope happened? I hope you
hooked up. What do I think
happened?
70 INT. LARA’S HOUSE - NIGHT - DREAM SEQUENCE 70
Aaron strangles Lara with the controller cord, as Jack yells
in terror. Lara stops squirming as Jack comes over to help
his mommy and Aaron kicks him in his little nuts, sending him
ass first through the front window. Aaron uses a candle to
light the drapes on fire, grabs an arm full of toys, and...
EXT. LARA’S HOUSE - NIGHT - DREAM SEQUENCE
...runs out the front door down the street, toys spilling
everywhere. ANGLE ON the house, with Jack, dead, dangling
from a large shard of window glass that’s pierced the collar
of his Optimus Prime pajama top.
71 EXT. LARA’S HOUSE - FRONT DOOR - CURRENT SCENE 71 *
AARON
That’s ridiculous. I already have
all those toys.
72 Lara joins them on the porch. Tucker nods to her. She flash7e2s *
his $200, tucks it in her bra and nuzzles against Aaron. Jack
pulls on Aaron’s leg and extends his Optimus Prime doll. *
JACK
You can have this.
72.
AARON
I can’t take your Optimus Prime,
buddy. He’s the leader of the
Autobots.
JACK
I want you to have him.
AARON
Wow, thanks buddy.
Aaron fishes the Duke GI Joe keychain out of his pocket,
slides it off the ring, and hands it down to Jack.
AARON (CONT'D)
Then I want you to have this.
JACK
Wow, mom, look! It’s a Duke
keychain.
AARON
Duke was the Field Commander for
all the Joes that went into battle.
He was my favorite when I was your
age.
Jack reaches out and hugs Aaron.
JACK
Thanks, Aaron!
AARON
You have to promise me one thing:
you’ll be just like Duke and take
care of your soldiers; including
your mom, okay?
JACK
I promise.
Aaron stands up and kisses Lara briefly. He slides out of her
grip and walks down the drive with Tucker. *
AARON
I’ll call you when we get home.
JACK
Bye, Aaron! See you soon!
AARON
73 See ya! Good luck with your 73
ambushes. *
73.
TUCKER
Did you just give your Duke
keychain to a whore baby?
AARON
She’s not a whore.
They get to the car and Aaron realizes that Jeff isn’t there.
AARON (CONT'D)
Where is Jeff?
74 INT. MECKLENBERG COUNTY JAIL - LATER 74
Tucker walks up to the clerk’s window.
TUCKER
I got a weird computer voicemail
from you guys. I think you’ve got
my friend Jeff Smith back there. *
CLERK
Yes, Mr. Smith was quite the guest. *
Wait over there, he'll be out soon.
ANGLE on Jeff emerging from the jail with two swollen black
eyes and vomit caked to his shirt.
TUCKER
Jesus Christ, Jeff! What happened!?
JEFF
Where the fuck were you?! Where did
you go!?
TUCKER
Dude, you are not going to believe *
what happened to me.
75 INT. RESTAURANT - ON THE HIGHWAY - AN HOUR LATER 75
Tucker, Jeff and Aaron are sitting around waiting for their
food to come out. Jeff has a deep, vacant stare.
TUCKER
You know the feeling you get when
you’re looking for that special
someone and you’re trying so hard
you think you might never find her? *
Like Sisyphus pushing the boulder
up the mountain? *
74.
(MORE)
But then, just as you’re about to
give up, the clouds part, the path
widens, and there she is? Well
gentlemen, last night I reached the
mountain top.
76 INT. BABY DOLLS STRIP CLUB - FLASHBACK - LAST NIGHT 76
It's right after Tucker poured the drink for Jeff.
TUCKER (V.O.)
Aaron you had just left, when I saw
her.
ANGLE on the door to the stripper dressing room. There’s
nothing there.
TUCKER (V.O.) (CONT’D)
My midget princess.
Everything seems to slow down, Tucker’s mesmerized, like a
trance. The camera pans down...to a midget dressed as RAINBOW
BRITE.
TUCKER (V.O.) (CONT'D)
Her blonde hair and sparkling blue
eyes reminded me of Gwenyth
Paltrow. Her compressed cervical
vertebrae and bowed legs told me
what Gwenyth Paltrow would look
like if she was placed in a vise
and squished to one quarter size.
Rainbow Brite waddles confidently across the room.
TUCKER (V.O.) (CONT'D)
As her pigeon-toed feet carried her
past our table, I slid down in my
chair, hoping to catch her eye.
Rainbow Brite passes Tucker, mouth open in order to breathe.
TUCKER (V.O.) (CONT'D)
She looked at me, her mashed-up
teeth sparkling in the oily light
of the novelty condom machine.
Tucker gives his best seductive smile.
TUCKER (V.O.) (CONT’D)
I gave her my unmistakable "I want
to fuck you" eyes.
Rainbow Brite smiles at Tucker, exposing mashed-up teeth.
75.
TUCKER (CONT'D)
TUCKER (V.O.) (CONT’D)
She shot back a "My spine hurts"
face, and I was smitten.
Tucker gets up from the table, leaving Jeff chugging vodka,
to follow his midget princess to the bar.
TUCKER (V.O.) (CONT'D)
She went to the bar and I took the
stool next to hers. The beer bottle
looked massive in her tiny little
hands. *
She grabs a beer bottle off the bar counter.
TUCKER (V.O.) (CONT’D)
All I could think about was how big
those hands would make my penis
look. I started running tiny little
game at her.
Tucker turns to her.
TUCKER (CONT’D)
Hi, I’m Gulliver. How are you
doing?
RAINBOW BRITE
(annoyed at the joke)
I've had a long night, I’m tired.
TUCKER
Hey, don’t get short with me,
Sleepy.
RAINBOW BRITE
Ugh! I’m not a dwarf, I'm a Little
Person.
TUCKER
Is that what Doc told you, Grumpy?
RAINBOW BRITE
Jerk!
TUCKER
Hi ho, hi ho, start dancing or off
you go.
Midget Princess breaks a smile at Tucker’s deviousness.
76.
TUCKER (V.O.) (CONT’D)
She ate it up. She laughed her tiny
little laugh at my tiny little
jokes and then threw me a fastball
down the middle.
RAINBOW BRITE
I always fall for assholes.
TUCKER (V.O.)
It was the tiny little opening I
needed.
Tucker smiles deviously.
TUCKER (CONT’D)
This place sucks. You want to go
back to my hotel and do something
more fun?
RAINBOW BRITE
What do you want to do?
TUCKER
(seductively serious)
I wanna make a mess in your mouth.
A beat.
RAINBOW BRITE
Let’s go.
TUCKER
OK, but just to be safe, leave your
pick axe here. I don’t want you
tunneling under the bed, looking
for diamonds or something. It’ll
freak me out.
Rainbow Brite swings down from her stool, grabs Tucker’s hand
and they leave.
TUCKER (V.O.) (CONT’D)
Without a tiny little second
thought, she swung down from the
stool, took my pinky in her tiny
little sausage fingers and guided
me out the door.
77 INT. RESTAURANT - CURRENT SCENE 77
Jeff slams his fist on the table.
77.
JEFF
WAIT! Are you telling me I have
this (points to right eye) and this
(points to left eye) because you
had to fuck an oompa loompa?! Are
you serious?
TUCKER
Dude, it was Destiny! You remember;
the midget stripper the professor
was talking about in class
yesterday! I went on Westlaw and
found out where she worked before I
picked up Aaron.
Jeff and Aaron stare angrily and incredulously at Tucker.
TUCKER (CONT'D)
What, you don't think that's funny?
JEFF
You mean you’d never even been to
that strip club?!
It clicks.
JEFF (CONT'D)
That's why you took us to that
crappy bar! And why you had me call *
to find out where the strip club *
was! The bachelor party was all a
big fucking ruse!? *
TUCKER
Jeff, how many people do you know
who've fucked a midget? You don't
think that's awesome?
JEFF
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?? I may not have
a fiance anymore because YOU
dragged me into a lie that I didn't
want OR NEED to be a part of. Now I
have to go back to Durham to beg
her forgiveness, and plead with her
not to cancel the wedding we have
been planning for a year! And what
am I going to look like when I get
there? LOOK AT MY FACE! I LOOK LIKE
I WAS ON THE WRONG END OF A PRISON
BEATING...BECAUSE I WAS!!
A beat.
78.
TUCKER
Dude, let me finish my story. It's
not always about you.
Jeff flips his shit and tries to hit Tucker across the table,
crashing it to the ground. Aaron holds him back. Jeff storms
out, cursing a blue streak. Tucker tries to interject.
AARON
Right now, if I were Tucker, I
would shut the fuck up.
78 INT. BUS - AFTERNOON 78 *
Jeff, disheveled and disfigured, sits cramped against the *
window of a Greyhound bus, packed in like sardines amidst a *
collection of broken souls who can only be described as the *
dingleberries in the ass crack of humanity.
79 INT. JEFF’S APARTMENT - EVENING 79
Kristy and her mother are finalizing the seating chart and
writing out the place cards. *
KRISTY’S MOTHER *
I’ll tell you one thing. No good *
Baptist would be caught dead *
drinking to excess or gettin’ *
arrested for causin’ a ruckus. It’s *
unseemly. *
KRISTY *
Of course not Mom. The good *
Baptists never get caught. *
A fiddling keys sound comes from the front door. *
KRISTY’S MOTHER *
Look, all I’m tryin’ to say is that *
this kind of wanton drunkenness and *
lack of self control is typical of *
a religion with all of the *
spirituality and none of the guilt. *
It’s not right. *
Jeff straggles through the door into the living room. *
KRISTY’S MOTHER (CONT'D) *
(biting and sarcastic)
Well look who the Lord has chosen *
to deliver unto this happy home.
79.
KRISTY
(to Jeff)
We need to talk. You missed
everything.
JEFF
I know.
Kristy’s mother catches a glimpse of Jeff’s face.
KRISTY’S MOTHER
Oh my gracious, Jeffrey! Your face!
Kristy leaps to her feet.
KRISTY
Honey! What happened to you?!
JEFF
(beaten and defeated)
I’m so, so sorry.
KRISTY’S MOTHER
Sorry!? The wedding’s ruined! Look
at your face!
KRISTY
Enough, mom.
KRISTY’S MOTHER
We have to postpone! I can’t
display your wedding photos in my
house, what will people think?!
KRISTY
I said enough! This isn’t about
you. I don’t care what you do with
the stupid pictures!
A beat, as Kristy’s mother regroups and Jeff looks on sullen
and hilariously disfigured.
KRISTY (CONT'D)
Are you okay? You have to stop
letting Tucker get you into these
messes.
Jeff shrugs, frowning and droopy.
KRISTY (CONT'D)
(through stifled laughter)
Oh my little Quasimoto. You look so
pathetic.
80.
She hugs him tenderly, as much like a mother as a wife.
KRISTY (CONT'D)
Let’s get you cleaned up so I can
stop laughing at you.
80 INT. LAW LIBRARY - MORNING 80
SUPERSCRIPT: TWO DAYS BEFORE THE WEDDING
Tucker walks into the law library and sits with Aaron.
TUCKER
Dude, I just tried to take a shit.
Nothing would come out. That never
happens to me. I feel like Elvis
just before his heart exploded.
AARON
If only the world were so lucky.
TUCKER
Whatever. You wanna play some ball?
AARON
I have class. You know, that place
we pay 35 grand a year to go to
between happy hours.
TUCKER
That place is dumb.
Aaron doesn’t react and silence hangs for a beat.
TUCKER (CONT'D)
Hey, let me ask you something: is
Jeff really pissed?
AARON
Are you drunk or stupid?
TUCKER
What?
AARON
How could you not realize he’s
pissed? Have you even talked to him
since Saturday?
TUCKER
I tried calling, but he doesn’t
pick up. What’s his problem? *
81.
AARON
His problem?! Are you such a
narcissist that you don’t know why
he’s mad? Do you have any concept
of friendship? How have you made it
this far in life without
understanding this stuff?
TUCKER *
Fine, I’ll check into the hotel in *
Wilmington tomorrow, and just go up *
there and apologize to him and we *
can be done with this bullshit. *
Aaron gets up and hastily pulls his things together.
AARON *
I guess God truly does protect
fools and children, because you’re
both.
Aaron turns and leaves Tucker at the table.
EXT. WEDDING HOTEL - ESTABLISHING *
A large, high-end hotel. The kind that looks like it would be *
a destination hotel for weddings and anniversaries. *
81 INT. HOTEL BRIDAL SUITE - AFTERNOON - NEXT DAY 81
SUPERSCRIPT: DAY BEFORE THE WEDDING
Kristy, freshly showered, is in a towel. Bags and clothes are
everywhere. Jeff is channel surfing. There’s a knock at the
door. Kristy looks through the peephole.
KRISTY
It’s Tucker. Do you want to talk to
him?
Jeff shrugs with ambivalence. She opens the door.
TUCKER
Is Jeff here?
He peers around Kristy and spots Jeff on the couch flipping
channels, ignoring him.
TUCKER (CONT'D)
Can we talk?
82.
Jeff doesn’t respond. Tucker, looking a little lost for the
first time, peeks expectantly at Kristy.
TUCKER (CONT'D)
(to Kristy)
Can I come in?
Kristy opens the door wider and Tucker walks in.
TUCKER (CONT'D)
Dude, Jeff, sorry.
Jeff searches Tucker’s face for an extended beat.
JEFF
Sorry is just a word.
Jeff turns the TV off, kisses Kristy on the cheek, and
retreats into the master bedroom without another word,
closing the door quietly behind him.
TUCKER
What should I do?
KRISTY
Apologize sincerely.
TUCKER
I just did.
KRISTY
Tucker, what fantasy world do you
live in? One word and the Guy Head
Nod isn’t a sincere apology.
TUCKER
What else am I supposed to say? I’m
not a mind reader.
KRISTY
Do you understand the magnitude of
this situation? He lied to me for
you. He landed in jail because you
failed as a friend in every way
possible.
TUCKER
I didn’t make him lie to you.
KRISTY
He lied because he was your friend,
Tucker. To protect you.
83.
TUCKER
That’s stupid. Protect me from
what?
KRISTY
From his future wife thinking his
best friend is a selfish lying son
of a bitch! Except it’s worse than
that because I always knew you were
selfish. Now I worry that you’re
this uncontrollable destructive
force that I can’t trust to have
the best interests of the man I
love at heart.
Kristy’s exhortation freezes Tucker.
KRISTY (CONT'D)
That’s what you don’t seem to
understand. Part of friendship is
supporting each other and knowing *
each others boundaries. Do you even *
know where Jeff’s are? *
TUCKER
Yeah, of course.
KRISTY
So you just ignored them then? *
Pushed right past them. He *
sacrificed his line in the sand to *
protect you and you couldn’t even
sacrifice a midget vagina for him.
Is it any surprise you aren’t
welcome at our wedding?
TUCKER
I’m not invited?
KRISTY
No, Tucker, you aren’t.
Tucker stands there stunned.
TUCKER
No way. What does Jeff say?
KRISTY
You don’t get it. I don’t care if
you’re at the wedding. It’s Jeff
who doesn’t want you there.
Kristy looks sadly and reluctantly into Tucker’s face as he
processes her words.
84.
82 INT. HOTEL HALLWAY - MOMENTS LATER 82
Tucker emerges from the bridal suite. He looks like he’s
mulling over his options. He pulls out his phone and dials.
83 INT. HOTEL ROOM - SIMULTANEOUS 83
Candles lit. There’s a fruit tray and champagne. Aaron’s *
setting up a PS2 for a GTA rematch. His tuxedo is hanging
from the bathroom door. Lara is changing into comfortable *
clothes. His phone rings. *
AARON
What’s up?
TUCKER (O.S.)
What are you doing?
AARON
Not much. Lara is here. *
TUCKER (O.S.)
Cool, let’s hang out, get some
drinks. We can take the stripper *
dancing!
AARON
No thanks. We’re staying in
tonight. It’s a long day tomorrow.
TUCKER
Dude, just because you’re getting *
pussy doesn’t mean you should be a
pussy. Let’s go out. *
AARON
Yes, Tucker. Insult us and *
insistently reassert your initial
demand. That’ll make the
difference.
TUCKER
What are you talking about?
AARON
You nearly submarined one of your
friend’s relationships already this
week. I’d like a chance to see if
mine can float before you do your
best to torpedo it. I’ll talk to
you later.
Aaron hangs up and plugs in his special controller.
85.
84 INT. HOTEL ELEVATOR - CONTINUOUS 84
TUCKER
Well fuck ’em if they can’t take a *
joke. I’m all the party I need. *
85 INT. RANDOM DURHAM BAR - A FEW HOURS LATER 85
Tucker is flirting with a pair of girls at the bar.
TARGET GIRL
I have two cats. A girl and a boy.
Abigail Lulu Dibiase and Jersey
Lemon Dibiase.
TUCKER
Why would you own cats? Do you
enjoy having big boxes of shit in
your house?
TARGET GIRL
I clean the litter boxes every day.
TUCKER
Does it not bother you how haughty
they are? They could give a fuck
about you.
TARGET GIRL
Not my cats. They aren’t like
regular cats, they’re like dogs.
TUCKER
Right on cue. EVERY cat person says
that. You know what's not like a
regular cat? A fucking dog.
No one but Tucker laughs. He finishes his beer, and leaves.
TUCKER (CONT’D)
No need to thank me, your silent,
awed adoration is it’s own reward.
He’s pleased with himself until he realizes he’s the only one
there alone. He looks around for an escape from the
awkwardness and finds it in a girl with her face up to a tank
near the front of the bar filled with cute little turtles.
TUCKER (CONT'D)
What are you doing?
TURTLE GIRL
Talking to the turtles.
86.
TUCKER
Did they tell you to kill hookers?
That's what they tell me to do.
Turtle Girl shuffles away slightly embarrassed. Two girls *
seated nearby look on in disgust. Of course the chubby one
chimes in.
CHUBBY INTERLOPER
What kind of man says something
like that to a woman?!
TUCKER
Usually it's my misanthropic friend
Aaron, then I pick the girl up on
the rebound. But he's not here. *
FRIEND OF CHUBBY
So you’re drinking alone? That’s
one of the beginning stages of
alcoholism, you know.
TUCKER
I'm way past the beginning stages.
I already hide liquor around the *
house and drink alone in the dark. *
CHUBBY INTERLOPER
That's sad.
TUCKER
No way. Drinking is highly *
underrated. Think about it: What
are the detriments to being drunk?
FRIEND OF CHUBBY
I don't know.
TUCKER
It hurts relationships with family
and friends? I don't like my family
and my friends drink as much as me.
It causes long term health
problems? I drive way too fast to
worry about anything long term. It
costs money? I'm going to spend it
recklessly anyway, better on
alcohol than drugs or pornography.
Causes rude and aberrant behavior?
I'm an asshole when I'm sober;
being drunk actually calms me down.
The girls look at each other in disgust.
87.
TUCKER (CONT’D)
Now compare that to it's benefits:
Drinking makes me invulnerable to
criticism, makes ugly people
attractive,
(pointing to Friend of
Chubby)
makes boring people interesting,
(pointing to Chubby
Interloper)
and makes hot girls like me. For my
money, the choice is obvious.
Friend of Chubby looks hurt. Chubby Interloper, predictably,
is fuming with disgust. She is shooting death rays at Tucker.
TUCKER (CONT'D)
(gesticulating like
Hacksaw Jim Duggan)
Mongo angry! Mongo smash!
CHUBBY INTERLOPER
You just totally blew your chance,
you know. There you were standing
by yourself when these two hot *
girls decided to talk to you-- *
FRIEND OF CHUBBY
What hot girls?
CHUBBY INTERLOPER
US!
FRIEND OF CHUBBY
Oh...yeah.
Tucker bursts out laughing. The girls get up to leave.
TUCKER
That was going to be my question *
too! WHAT HOT GIRLS?! God bless *
your overworked heart. *
CHUBBY INTERLOPER *
Ooh, another fat girl joke. That *
really cuts deep. *
TUCKER *
The only way I could cut you deep *
is with a battle axe and a running *
start. *
Tucker is completely taken with his quick wit. He turns to a *
group of dudes behind him to share the joy. *
88.
While he’s turned away from them, Chubby Interloper quickly *
plucks a bottle of Visine from her purse and dumps the *
contents into his beer. *
CHUBBY INTERLOPER *
(quietly to her friend) *
Thirty minutes, he’s gonna be in a *
world of pain. *
Tucker composes himself, turns back and takes a long *
satisfied pull from his beer. *
TUCKER *
(motioning to the girls) *
This beer has been brought to you *
by the number 10. *
Standing side by side, he bursts into laughter again. *
CHUBBY INTERLOPER *
At least I’m not out at a bar BY
MYSELF.
Chubby Interloper and her friend look at each other with that
"eww...pathetic" look. It stops Tucker’s riotous laughter. He
fumbles for something to say in response, but can’t respond
to their truth.
TUCKER
Fuck you, Fatty!!
Tucker walks off in a huff taking another pull from his beer. *
GIRL
Crashed and burned! Huh, Mav?
Tucker looks at her confused, and then sticks his nose in her
crotch and sniffs.
TUCKER
Slider, you stink.
ANGRY GUY
Hey man, back off. She’s with me.
TUCKER
I don’t know what you’re worried
about. This one should be in the *
bag. Only easy sluts make Top Gun *
references in public. *
ANGRY GUY
You need to get out of my face!
89.
Tucker puts his beer down and addresses only the girl. *
TUCKER
This your boyfriend? He looks like *
the type of guy who eats with one
arm guarding his plate.
He pushes Tucker to the ground and the bartenders separate
them. Tucker grabs his beer and careens into the line for the *
bathroom. He finds himself behind CONNIE, a fake-titted
blonde MILF with a ring on her finger.
TUCKER (CONT'D)
So, are you actually married? Or do
you just wear that to keep the
douchebags away?
CONNIE
No, I'm actually married.
TUCKER
How good is your marriage?
CONNIE
Good enough to keep me in it.
TUCKER
Then what are you doing here?
CONNIE
Girls night out.
TUCKER
C’mon, isn’t that just code for
“Let’s Get Drunk And Suck Off Hot
Guys In the Bathroom”?
CONNIE
Maybe for the girls you hang out
with.
TUCKER
Are you calling my mom a slut?
CONNIE
(laughing)
Does she know you talk like that?
TUCKER
Does your husband know you flirt *
with men you meet in bars? *
90.
Connie playfully pulls the beer from Tucker and takes a good- *
sized drink. He grabs it back and pounds the rest. The *
bathroom door opens and Connie starts to go in.
TUCKER (CONT'D)
You’re not going to invite me in?
CONNIE
There’s only one toilet. *
TUCKER
There’s a sink, isn’t there?
Connie pulls him in and shuts the door.
86 INT. BAR BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS 86
Connie is in the near stall. Tucker is pissing in the sink. *
CONNIE (O.C.) *
Do you always hit on women in the
bathroom line?
TUCKER
Only hot ones I want to sleep with.
CONNIE (O.C.) *
You think I'm hot?
TUCKER
Baby, you're so hot, if I were
dating you, I'd never leave the
house. I'd never even leave your
vaginal area, unless I was cumming
on your face.
Tucker finishes and zips up as Connie emerges from the stall. *
CONNIE
You think I’m gonna have sex with *
you? *
TUCKER
Please, I am going to hit it so *
hard, whoever pulls me out of you
will become King of England.
Tucker grabs her, pulls her into him, and swallows her face. *
91.
87 INT. HOTEL CORRIDOR ELEVATOR BANK - LATER 87 *
Elevator doors open. Tucker and Connie are in the exact same *
position as the bathroom; eating each other’s faces. They *
stumbled out of the elevator and down the hall. *
TUCKER
Your tits are so hot.
A loud gurgling sound emanates from Tucker’s abdomen and he *
grimaces with discomfort. *
CONNIE
Stop talking, you’re going to ruin
it.
88 INT. HOTEL ROOM - CONTINUOUS 88
The room is dark. Tucker and Connie barge through the door,
peeling clothes off, and turn on the light. A stronger wave *
of abdominal discomfort overtakes Tucker as one hits Connie. *
TUCKER
Wait. I have to shit. *
CONNIE
Let me go first. I’ll be quick.
Connie slides into the bathroom. Tucker pulls the bed covers
back, kicks off his shoes, and shimmies out of his pants.
Unnatural sounds begin to emanate from the bathroom as his *
discomfort continues to build. *
TUCKER
What are you doing in there?
CONNIE (o.s.)
Nothing.
Sounds of prodigious shitting fill the room, only adding to *
Tucker’s crescendoing pain. *
TUCKER
It doesn’t sound like nothing.
Hurry up!
CONNIE (o.s.)
I’ll be out in a second.
TUCKER
Turn on the fan.
Connie emerges from the bathroom and Tucker shoots up.
92.
CONNIE
(uneasy and hurried)
I don’t feel well. I’m gonna go.
TUCKER
What?!
Connie moves past Tucker to collect her stuff.
CONNIE
(sheepishly)
There’s something wrong with the
bathroom.
89 INT. HOTEL ROOM BATHROOM - SIMULTANEOUS 89
The bathroom looks like the lower 9th Ward after Katrina.
Brown shit water is spilling onto the bathroom floor and the
tank is gurgling demonically. It’s a sensory assault.
TUCKER
You clogged the toilet? You clogged
a motherfucking hotel toilet! What
kind of constipated meth-head bowel
movement does it take to clog a
HOTEL TOILET?!
ANGLE ON Connie shuffling past the bathroom...
TUCKER (O.S.) (CONT'D)
Those things are designed to suck
down third trimester shit babies,
and you clogged it?! Is this what
married life does to people!?
...and out the door unnoticed. He grips his abdomen and ass.
TUCKER (CONT'D)
Oh no. Where’s another bathroom?
Tucker dashes out.
90 INT. HOTEL LOBBY - MOMENTS LATER 90
Tucker bursts out of the elevator, looks around frantically,
and sprints to the empty front desk. It’s 4 am. He hits the
bell furiously for an obnoxiously long time until the
sleeping clerk comes out.
TUCKER
Is there a bathroom down here?
93.
FRONT DESK CLERK
Back corner of the lobby.
Tucker takes off, turns the corner from the front desk and
immediately realizes his mistake. The lobby is triangular.
TUCKER
Which corner?!
He spots a white door at one end of the lobby, quickly
waddles to it holding his butt cheeks together, and bursts
through the door.
JANITOR
AAAYYYY!!
It’s a janitor’s closet.
TUCKER
Where is the bathroom!?
JANITOR
Que? No, no hablo ingles!
TUCKER
WHAT?! Uh...uh...DONDE ESTA EL
FUCKING BANO?!!!
JANITOR
(pointing across the
lobby)
Alla! Alla!
Sixty yards away, a large "RESTROOM" sign hangs above a door.
Tucker breaks into a dead sprint and his boxers start to sag.
Thirty yards, his ass crack and legs get noticeably wet.
Forty yards, his boxers have slid down to mid-thigh. Ten
yards from the door, he’s covered in brown, viscous liquid.
Little specks hit the back of his head and ears as he runs.
91 INT. HOTEL LOBBY BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS 91
Tucker bursts in. He’s completely shit himself. He steps out
of his pink boxers, shit puddle in the seat, and flings them
blindly as he breaks into the first stall.
94.
92 INT. BATHROOM STALL - CONTINUOUS 92
Tucker plops down on the seat and immediately slides off. His
ass is covered in slimy, runny feces still spouting black,
viscous human waste. He flushes, it overflows, and he fumbles
out of the stall, sliding on his shit-covered socks.
93 INT. NEXT BATHROOM STALL - CONTINUOUS 93
Tucker collapses onto the seat until he finishes--exhausted,
dehydrated, and tearing up from the exertion. There's no
toilet paper. Tucker takes off his shirt but discovers it's
covered in little specks of shit.
94 INT. BATHROOM SINK AREA - CONTINUOUS 94
The large vanity mirror has a thick black streak from the
ceiling to the countertop where his boxers are crumpled in a
ball. He peels off his shit-heavy socks and flings them in
the direction of the boxers. One sticks to the mirror.
95 INT. HOTEL LOBBY - CONTINUOUS 95
Naked and covered in speckles of his own poop, Tucker slinks
out into the lobby.
TUCKER
Who else on this earth could be
having a worse night than me?
Laid out before him is a trail of his own feces. It starts
wide at his feet and gets smaller until it apexes at the
clunky white shoes of the small Mexican janitor.
TUCKER (CONT'D)
Sorry. I mean, uh, lo siento.
Tucker walks defeated toward the elevators. The Lady Janitor
is sobbing hysterically.
96 INT. HOTEL ELEVATOR - CONTINUOUS 96
Waiting for the elevator, Tucker stares at himself in the
reflective doors, looking into his own eyes and
face...disappointed. He exhales deeply as the elevator
arrives with a ding and the doors open.
Through the glass of the elevator as it ascends, Tucker sees
why the janitor was crying hysterically.
95.
There’s shit everywhere: on the couches, the walls, the
plants, everywhere.
TUCKER
God, I hope they serve beer in
hell.
97 EXT./INT. WEDDING CHAPEL - NEXT DAY 97 *
Jeff and Kristy have their backs to us. The last groomsman is
not dressed the same as the rest, because he took Tucker’s
place at the 11th hour. They finish the ceremony and turn
down the aisle. Jeff’s black eyes and swollen brows are
smeared in DermaBlend. Sweating from nerves, Jeff’s face
looks like someone pissed on a chalk painting.
INT. TUCKER’S HOTEL ROOM *
Tucker looks a little bleary-eyed but he’s freshly showered *
and hastily yanking on his tuxedo. The room service menu is *
open on the bed and he’s on the room phone. *
TUCKER *
Yeah. Yeah. I know. I don’t care. *
The biggest one you got. ASAP. Now! *
Tucker hangs up as he zips his fly, done getting dressed. *
98 EXT. RECEPTION HALL - LATER 98
The banquet hall is beautiful. Large bay windows frame the
elegant wedding reception inside. It’s an idyllic scene
broken only by workers setting things up on the lawn.
99 INT. RECEPTION HALL - LATER 99
The maid of honor is finishing her speech. Tucker slides in
quietly and settles against the bar. He whispers something to
the bartender, who nods, and sneaks him some money.
MAID OF HONOR
And after that, I knew she’d met a
keeper. And I was right. I love you
Kristy!
Everyone toasts and politely claps. The BEST MAN, Jeff’s *
brother, picks up the mic. He is sweating and nervous.
ANGLE ON Tucker at the bar. He motions to the bartender for a *
beer. *
96.
WEDDING BARTENDER *
Four bucks. *
TUCKER *
What?! *
BEST MAN (O.S.) *
Hey, I am Jeff’s older brother. *
WEDDING BARTENDER *
Cash bar. *
TUCKER *
Who has a cash bar at a wedding? *
Tucker reluctantly pays as we ANGLE BACK on the best man. *
BEST MAN *
I’ve known him his whole life, and *
boy are my arms tired.
No response. ANGLE ON Aaron, sitting at a table with Lara.
AARON
Bet that joke killed on his blog. *
ANGLE on Best Man.
BEST MAN
Uh, when Jeff told me he’d met the
girl he wanted to marry, I couldn’t
believe it. Only a few short years
ago, he was throwing rocks at
girls, and now, he is putting one
on...her finger.
ANGLE on Tucker, standing at the back of the room.
BEST MAN (CONT’D)
I have known Kristy for a few years
now, and I couldn’t have asked for
a better sister-in-law. Here is to
my little bro and his bride.
Everyone toasts. Tucker walks to the front and takes the
microphone from Best Man.
TUCKER
(to Jeff’s brother)
Gimme that mic, Sling Blade.
97.
TUCKER (CONT’D)
(into the mic)
Some of you may not know me, my
name is Tucker Max. Jeff is my best
friend. Or at least was, until last
week when I took advantage of his *
kindness and loyalty. I forced him
into lying to Kristy, dragged him
two hours away, got him abusively
drunk, and then ditched him to
sleep with a midget stripper. I am
the reason that, on the most
important day of his life, Jeff's *
face looks like a melted Barbie
doll's.
Kristy’s mother is nearly apoplectic. Jeff, holding back his
building fury, scoots his chair out to get up, but Kristy
puts her hand on his leg to stop him and keep him seated.
TUCKER (CONT’D)
The worst part is that I didn't
know I was doing anything wrong. I *
was just doing what I’ve always *
done; which is pretty much whatever *
the hell I want. And to be honest, *
it's worked out pretty well for me
up to about 24 hours ago. When my *
selfishness finally caught up with *
me and cost me Jeff’s friendship, *
and my invitation to his wedding. *
Aaron and Lara look at each other.
TUCKER (CONT’D)
Still, I shrugged it off and went
out anyway. I won't bore you with *
the particulars but the long and
short of it is, I got drunk and
ended the night sprinting across
the hotel lobby, uncontrollably *
shitting my pants.
Gasps across the audience.
TUCKER (CONT’D)
No really, I crapped all over the
lobby. And following my selfish
pattern, I left the mess and went
back to my room like nothing
happened.
More gasps.
98.
TUCKER (CONT’D)
The only thing that prevented me
from passing out in a pile of my
own puke was all the knocking at my
door.
100 INT. HOTEL ROOM - LAST NIGHT - FLASHBACK 100
Tucker opens his hotel room door, to see the maid, eyes still
red with tears.
TUCKER (V.O.)
It was the hotel maid.
A mop and bucket in her hands that she thrusts at Tucker.
TUCKER (V.O.) (CONT’D)
Staring into her angry, overworked *
face, I had a moment of clarity: *
Someone else always cleans up my *
mess, and for the past few years,
it's been Jeff.
101 INT. WEDDING RECEPTION - CONTINUOUS 101
TUCKER
At three in the morning, on my
knees, literally cleaning up my
shit for the first time in my adult
life, I finally understood what an
amazing person Jeff is, and how
lucky I am...was...to call him my
friend.
Tucker turns to look at Jeff and Kristy with real sincerity,
choking up a little.
TUCKER (CONT'D)
Jeff, Kristy, I hope you can accept
my sincere apology. When I came to
your hotel room last night to say
sorry, I honestly didn't understand
what I was apologizing for. But
over the past 24 hours, it's hit me
like, well, like ten pounds of
slippery shit. I've been a horrible
friend. And even though I probably
don't deserve to have either of you
in my life, I had to come here to
tell you that and to ask you for
your forgiveness.
99.
ANGLE on Jeff and Kristy, who look at each other.
TUCKER (CONT’D)
I know this will probably scare the
crap out of most of you, but I hope
to have kids someday. I am sure I
will only have daughters, and they
will all be vicious sluts who sleep
with assholes just like me and then *
throw it in my face. But such is *
karma. If one is a boy, though, I *
will consider myself a huge success
as a father if he grows up to be
half the man that Jeff Smith is *
right now.
ANGLE ON the room. Expressions have softened, the room is
quiet, some still unsure what to think. ANGLE ON Aaron and
Lara.
LARA
(crying)
That’s so sweet. *
Aaron rolls his eyes. ANGLE ON Tucker, who has turned to
address Jeff directly.
TUCKER
Jeff, I have never thanked you,
never acknowledged you, never
really even thought about it. I
just took from you, dude. I’m *
really sorry. And for once, I want *
to give you something back.
Tucker motions to the bartender, who flips a set of switches
that pull back the drapes on the bay windows behind the head
table, revealing a huge bouncy castle on the lawn.
KRISTY’S MOTHER
Oh no.
JEFF
OH YES! AWESOME!
The crowd erupts with laughter and applause. The children run
outside to play in it. Tucker sets the mike down and hugs
Jeff and Kristy and they toast to the bride and groom.
102 INT. WEDDING RECEPTION - MONTAGE 102
Everyone is drinking. Guys and kids play in the bouncy
castle.
100.
Tucker dances with the grandma, flirts with girls, tells a
hilarious story as the center of attention. Aaron refuses to
dance despite Lara’s seductive stripper moves.
103 INT. RECEPTION BAR - LATER THAT NIGHT 103
Jeff, Kristy, Aaron, and Tucker are standing at the bar at
the end of the night, ties undone, just the four of them.
They look content.
KRISTY
Tucker, I have to say, when you got
up there, I almost died. I had no
idea what you were going to do. But
that was a great speech.
TUCKER
Thank you. You deserve it. I owe
you and Jeff.
JEFF
Yeah, you do.
Kristy and Tucker hug.
KRISTY
I have to go check on the guests.
Kristy walks off.
JEFF
So...did you really fuck a midget?
TUCKER
Oh yeah.
AARON
When she’s riding you, can you spin
her like a top?
TUCKER
I tried, but her vagina was too
shallow. Physics were all wrong.
JEFF
Did you really shit the lobby? *
TUCKER
Oh yeah.
AARON
Did you really clean it up?
101.
TUCKER
Well, the maid did show up at my
room with a mop and a bucket. But
you guys have known me for many
years. What do you think Tucker
would do?
104 INT. HOTEL HALLWAY - LAST NIGHT - FLASHBACK 104
Tucker opens the door. The maid, eyes still red with tears,
thrusts a mop at him. He refuses it. She thrusts it at him
again. He pulls out a $20 bill. She refuses. He pulls out
another $20. She accepts them and Tucker closes the door.
105 INT. RECEPTION BAR - CONTINUOUS 105
AARON
I knew it! You don’t even do your
own laundry.
JEFF
You didn't clean it up? You stand
up at my wedding, pour your heart
out, and it's all bullshit?
TUCKER
It’s not all bullshit. I don’t need
to actually clean up the mess to
learn the lesson.
AARON
I don’t even know why this shocks
me anymore.
Jeff and Aaron look at Tucker with a mixture of bemusement *
and amused disbelief. Before anyone says another word, a dog *
comes into frame, leading a CUTE GIRL toward the ballroom *
doors. It’s a seeing eye dog. The cute girl is blind. A beat. *
As recognition of the blind girl settles over the trio, the *
mischievous glimmer returns to Tucker’s eye and they see it. *
TUCKER *
I’ll be right back. *
Tucker breaks for the cute blind girl as we... **
CUT TO BLACK
MAIN TITLES & END CRAWL
Brought to you by:
http://unemployedasshole.blogspot.com/2009/02/earlier-tonight-i-had-self-admitted.html
^ Dude, this work on Progressivism is really interesting, keep them coming please!
There's no need to buy Tucker's book. Just go to this site:
http://thepiratebay.org/torrent/4443893/Tucker_Max_-_I_Hope_They_Serve_Beer_In_Hell_%5BPDF%5D
Download the torrent file, and open it in any torrent program - Limewire and Frostwire work well for this.
There's no need to buy Tucker's book. Just go to this site:
http://thepiratebay.org/torrent/4443893/Tucker_Max_-_I_Hope_They_Serve_Beer_In_Hell_%5BPDF%5D
Download the torrent file, and open it in any torrent program - Limewire and Frostwire work well for this.
There's no need to buy Tucker's book. Just go to this site:
http://thepiratebay.org/torrent/4443893/Tucker_Max_-_I_Hope_They_Serve_Beer_In_Hell_%5BPDF%5D
Download the torrent file, and open it in any torrent program - Limewire and Frostwire work well for this.
Tucker hands out free STDs:
http://chicagoist.com/2009/01/27/free_stds_on_michicago_avenue_tonig.php
I cannot wait until Tucker's pathetic movie is released. Needless to say, it'll go straight to DVD, but that's where the fun begins! I'm going to buy a copy as soon as it comes out, and upload it for free access. I doubt even Tucker's idiot fan boys will be tempted to pay for it when they can get it free.
You know Tucker will probably have a panic attack, and subsequently post that he loves the free publicity, and that the pirated copy isn't the real movie.
i hope they get a douchestributor that maximizes their douchestribution.
one of the funiest things about the movie is matt douchesky's career.
he went from dating kate bozworth to playing a douchebag in the most douchestastic film ever made.
he is now best friends with tucker. tucker has pictures to prove it for his web 2.0 campaign.
douchetributor - i likey
Jessie Bradfrod is a douchetastic fuckface who signed aboard with a douchetastic film to further his flailing career which now must depend on making fun of fat girls and asians and filming anal sex with girls without telling them about it, and having sex with midgets. That is what garnered the publicity that made the movie attractive to him.
He writes, http://ihopetheyservebeerinhell.com/archives/jesse_bradfords.html
Fucktard douchestick writes, "But anything even remotely groundbreaking is a double-edged sword."
Jessie is trying to defend his flailing career.
Jessie, Jessie, Jessica.
You are not a man, as you cannot defend a woman's honor. Instead, you seek to profit from its desecration. Nor can you defend the innocent bystander's honor, as real men, like John Wayne, once did. Instead, you seek to profit from perversity, like a Judas.
Tucker filmed anal sex with a girl without telling her about it. Is that groundbreaking for you? What if it was you? He ruined the name/reputation of a beauty queen. He made fun of asians in a racist manner, and that is what little Jessica Bradford loves, as Jessica is incapable of true, higher art.
This is the kind of hateful, raceist dialogue Jessica Bradford loves:
11:17: The girl starts saying something about what a horrible person I am. I stare at her, but I am not listening. I am preparing myself. I am B-Rabbit. This is the final battle rap. I will win the hostile crowd:
[I interrupt the fat girl] "Ward, I think you're being a little hard on the Beaver, [as I point to each in turn] so is Eddie Haskell, Wally, and Miss Cleaver."
[To the fat guy with greasy hair in the camo vest] "Look out everyone! It's the Pillsbury Commando! Hey Chunk, when was the last time you washed your hair? Does it give you more hit points to have that grease helmet? I hate to break the news, but +5 defense only counts in Dungeons and Dragons."
[To the ugly Asian girl] "Why you no rike me? You want me frip over? You no piss me off! ME FIND YOU IN POCKING ROT!! YOU NO TAKE MING ARIVE!!"
[To the small frail dork--I notice he has a lazy eye] "Dude--Look at me when I'm talking to you--BOTH EYES AT ONCE. Are you really this ugly or are you just playing? EVERYONE, BE CAREFUL, THIS GUY LURKS UNDER THE STAIRS AND TRIES TO LICK YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU PASS BY!"
[To the original fatty, pause for effect] "Why do you do this to yourself? WHY DO YOU DO THIS TO YOURSELF? Look, I'm gonna give you some advice-leave the party, take the geek squad with you, go to Denny's, order about 10 Grand Slam Breakfasts, and eat your pain away. Won't be the first time will it?"
And it is the PR generated from this douchebaggery that Jessica has attached himself to so as to save her flailing career. I have heard that women have trouble getting roles in Hollywood as they get older, and I imagine Jessica is watching that clock, while reading cato the Elder quotes, wondering about what kind of monment he'll leave behind.
http://www.citypaper.net/blogs/clog/2009/01/22/where-we-wont-be-tucker-maxs-book-reading-in-wynnewood/
The funniest thing is watching little Jessica Bradford quote big names like Cato the Elder--names they desecrate at u of c and duke.
"It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims." --Aristotle
But I guess Jessica does not consider herself a young man.
Something about monuments was that Cato quote. Well,
what a monument it will be,
to join in douchebaggery--tee hee hee,
desecrating the land of the free,
on straight-to-dvd.
Jessica sells his soul and powers of perception to sell the sucky script:
http://gawker.com/5033233/tucker-maxs-movie-script
http://gawker.com/5124568/your%20-tucker-max-movie-update
jessica has as many fansites as tucker.
0.
http://gawker.com/tag/tucker-max/
http://filmindustrybloggers.com/thescriptreader/2008/07/29/the-tucker-max-movie-idiots-delight/
http://showhype.com/story/tucker_max_s_movie_script_embarrassments/
http://dethroner.com/2008/08/03/tucker-max-movie-script-panned/
http://gilesbowkett.blogspot.com/2008/08/metabloggers-deluxe-tucker-max-movie.html
http://www.mediabistro.com/fishbowlLA/blogistan/bloggers_wont_have_any_beer_in_hell_script_90815.asp
""A friend at an agency slipped me a copy of the script for the
currently-in-production Tucker Max movie, 'I Hope They Serve Beer in
Hell', written by Tucker Max and some dude named Nils Parker. I am
very excited to talk about this script, especially since I didn't read
it for my job so I feel I can get into a bit more detail than usual.
My primary goal won't be to expose how sexist or otherwise offensive
the script is because that's obvious and easy and not the most
interesting thing to talk about here. Here's what is: Holy crap, it's terrible. I'm talking God-awful. Even with the offensive factor set aside, it's in my top 10 worst comedy scripts ever read (out of probably over a thousand)."
It's funny that Jessica was in Flag of Our Fathers.
Do you think that's how our fathers--that greatest generation--treated women so as to maximize profits?
Is that the kind of monument you are erecting in their honor?
They gave their lives for freedom and justice. For exalted morality, truth, and beauty.
And to thank them, you are trying to erect a tower of douche as the Constitution is desecrated.
"Our Constitution was made only for a moral and religious people. It is wholly inadequate to the government of any other." --John Adams
Just because they do not teach this at duke nor u of c don't mean it ain't true. I hope Jessica someday gets around to reading, acting, walking, and talking like a real man. Then perhaps her career will be revived.
new post at
http://tuckermaxlies.blogspot.com
http://tuckermaxlies.blogspot.com
http://tuckermaxlies.blogspot.com
http://tuckermaxlies.blogspot.com
http://tuckermaxlies.blogspot.com
http://unemployedasshole.blogspot.com/2009/02/earlier-tonight-i-had-self-admitted.html
bob is dead
feb 4, v-b day forever
quote dis if your down
the mittani sends his regards
o hai, i am ryan holiday. i am an unpaid intern for tucker max. by intern, i dont really know what i mean. it's not official or anything, but we are internet friends and i think he's really cool. plus he accepts me. i like to come to this blog and post chapters from war and peace in order to obfuscate people's valid criticisms of my hero. i was banned from wikipedia for sticking up for tucker in violation of every possible policy designed to stop conflict of interest editing. i'm just waiting for this tucker movie to come out because then things will really start changing in my life. soon i'll leave retail and start doing what i really love, writing poetry full time.
Yeah, Ryan works for American Apparel. He's really going places.
People like Ryan and Tucker are always going places, but they never seem to actually get there.
Yes! Tucker is a Hater!
"1. Hater – A person that simply cannot be happy for another person’s success. So rather than be happy they make a point of exposing a flaw in that person. Hating, the result of being a hater, is not exactly jealousy. The hater doesn’t really want to be the person he or she hates, rather the hater wants to knock someone else down a notch."
Yes--this is why Tucker hates on beauty queens and innocent bystanders. He can't feel good about himslef without destroying the names and reputaions of others, just like Nils can't feel good about himslef without destroying three bags of doritios and four cartons of ice cream per day.
Tucker can't feel good about himself without hating on marriage and having sex with other men's wives. You have to hate someone pretty badly to destroy their marriage.
Matt Douchesky is a hater too. He hates his career, as he destroyed it by playing the universe's supreme douchebag.
"An individual may have never displayed any resentment or aggression toward you, until they witness you succeeding at something. Then, something very interesting may happen. The person unleashes a barrage of criticism, insults, and flaw-centered attacks upon you. It is at this point that they become a “hater.” Lacking substantial grounding to attack you upon, the hater typically resorts to attacking your character and quality of work. Ironically, the work you are engaging in is often something the hater could never come close to accomplishing."
Yes! Matt douchesky is playing a hater who "unleashes a barrage of criticism, insults, and flaw-centered attacks upon you!"
This is the kind of hateful, racist dialogue Matt Docuhesky and Jessica Bradford love--they love the hate sooo much that they sacrificed their careers on the altar of HATE:
11:17: The girl starts saying something about what a horrible person I am. I stare at her, but I am not listening. I am preparing myself. I am B-Rabbit. This is the final battle rap. I will win the hostile crowd:
[I interrupt the fat girl] "Ward, I think you're being a little hard on the Beaver, [as I point to each in turn] so is Eddie Haskell, Wally, and Miss Cleaver."
[To the fat guy with greasy hair in the camo vest] "Look out everyone! It's the Pillsbury Commando! Hey Chunk, when was the last time you washed your hair? Does it give you more hit points to have that grease helmet? I hate to break the news, but +5 defense only counts in Dungeons and Dragons."
[To the ugly Asian girl] "Why you no rike me? You want me frip over? You no piss me off! ME FIND YOU IN POCKING ROT!! YOU NO TAKE MING ARIVE!!"
[To the small frail dork--I notice he has a lazy eye] "Dude--Look at me when I'm talking to you--BOTH EYES AT ONCE. Are you really this ugly or are you just playing? EVERYONE, BE CAREFUL, THIS GUY LURKS UNDER THE STAIRS AND TRIES TO LICK YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU PASS BY!"
[To the original fatty, pause for effect] "Why do you do this to yourself? WHY DO YOU DO THIS TO YOURSELF? Look, I'm gonna give you some advice-leave the party, take the geek squad with you, go to Denny's, order about 10 Grand Slam Breakfasts, and eat your pain away. Won't be the first time will it?"
And it is the PR generated from this douchebaggery that Jessica has attached himself to so as to save her flailing career. I have heard that women have trouble getting roles in Hollywood as they get older, and I imagine Jessica is watching that clock, while reading cato the Elder quotes, wondering about what kind of monment he'll leave behind.
http://www.citypaper.net/blogs/clog/2009/01/22/where-we-wont-be-tucker-maxs-book-reading-in-wynnewood/
Matt Douchesky
Jessica Bradford
I Hope They Serve Douche in Hell is a film of, by, and for Haters--Haters of careers in which they once dated Kate Bosworth--Haters of art, life, and beauty--Haters of beauty queens and innocent bystanders, racist Haters of minorities, Haters of marriage, honor, and trust; Haters of truth and beauty, and lovers of douche, doublespeak, and tyranny.
It's too bad for the Douchebag Haters that Hate and Douche are going out of style, along with their careers.
It's awesome that Tucker cast the two prettiest boys he could find to play him and his best friend, instead of manly men, and it is a testament to his true, deeper nature. And once that prettiness wanes for douchesky and Jessica Bradford, well hell, I don't need to tell them where their meaningless, soulless, douchetastic careers are headed. That's what you get for worshipping Hate and Hating Love.
I think the quality of this comment thread has really gone downhill over the past year or so. This is a serious problem. We, the responsible and forward-looking anonymous commentators of Tucker Max Douce Bag, must make it our duty to restore this comment thread to its former level of high quality discussion and analysis. C/D?
C.
C DEEZ NUTS, hahaha!
http://www.hollywoodfail.com/2009/02/tucker-max-is-giant-liar-with-movie.html
http://www.thebadandugly.com/2008/08/15/tucker-max-is-a-douchebag/
Matt Douchesky (Czurchy) and Jessica (Jesse) Bradford are seeking douchestribution for their hate-filled, douchetastic film which received funding because of the books racist speech and hatred directed against innocent bystanders.
http://www.hollywoodfail.com/2009/02/tucker-max-is-giant-liar-with-movie.html
I Hope They Serve Douche in Hell is a film of, by, and for Haters--Haters of careers in which they once dated Kate Bosworth--Haters of art, life, and beauty--Haters of beauty queens and innocent bystanders, racist Haters of minorities, Haters of marriage, honor, and trust; Haters of truth and beauty, and lovers of douche, doublespeak, and tyranny.
It's too bad for the Douchebag Haters that Hate and Douche are going out of style, along with their careers.
It's awesome that Tucker cast the two prettiest boys he could find to play him and his best friend, instead of manly men, and it is a testament to his true, deeper nature. And once that prettiness wanes for douchesky and Jessica Bradford, well hell, I don't need to tell them where their meaningless, soulless, douchetastic careers are headed. That's what you get for worshipping Hate and Hating Love.
Yes! Tucker is a Hater!
"1. Hater – A person that simply cannot be happy for another person’s success. So rather than be happy they make a point of exposing a flaw in that person. Hating, the result of being a hater, is not exactly jealousy. The hater doesn’t really want to be the person he or she hates, rather the hater wants to knock someone else down a notch."
Yes--this is why Tucker hates on beauty queens and innocent bystanders. He can't feel good about himslef without destroying the names and reputaions of others, just like Nils can't feel good about himslef without destroying three bags of doritios and four cartons of ice cream per day.
Tucker can't feel good about himself without hating on marriage and having sex with other men's wives. You have to hate someone pretty badly to destroy their marriage.
Matt Douchesky is a hater too. He hates his career, as he destroyed it by playing the universe's supreme douchebag.
"An individual may have never displayed any resentment or aggression toward you, until they witness you succeeding at something. Then, something very interesting may happen. The person unleashes a barrage of criticism, insults, and flaw-centered attacks upon you. It is at this point that they become a “hater.” Lacking substantial grounding to attack you upon, the hater typically resorts to attacking your character and quality of work. Ironically, the work you are engaging in is often something the hater could never come close to accomplishing."
Yes! Matt douchesky is playing a hater who "unleashes a barrage of criticism, insults, and flaw-centered attacks upon you!"
This is the kind of hateful, racist dialogue Matt Docuhesky and Jessica Bradford love--they love the hate sooo much that they sacrificed their careers on the altar of HATE:
11:17: The girl starts saying something about what a horrible person I am. I stare at her, but I am not listening. I am preparing myself. I am B-Rabbit. This is the final battle rap. I will win the hostile crowd:
[I interrupt the fat girl] "Ward, I think you're being a little hard on the Beaver, [as I point to each in turn] so is Eddie Haskell, Wally, and Miss Cleaver."
[To the fat guy with greasy hair in the camo vest] "Look out everyone! It's the Pillsbury Commando! Hey Chunk, when was the last time you washed your hair? Does it give you more hit points to have that grease helmet? I hate to break the news, but +5 defense only counts in Dungeons and Dragons."
[To the ugly Asian girl] "Why you no rike me? You want me frip over? You no piss me off! ME FIND YOU IN POCKING ROT!! YOU NO TAKE MING ARIVE!!"
[To the small frail dork--I notice he has a lazy eye] "Dude--Look at me when I'm talking to you--BOTH EYES AT ONCE. Are you really this ugly or are you just playing? EVERYONE, BE CAREFUL, THIS GUY LURKS UNDER THE STAIRS AND TRIES TO LICK YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU PASS BY!"
[To the original fatty, pause for effect] "Why do you do this to yourself? WHY DO YOU DO THIS TO YOURSELF? Look, I'm gonna give you some advice-leave the party, take the geek squad with you, go to Denny's, order about 10 Grand Slam Breakfasts, and eat your pain away. Won't be the first time will it?"
And it is the PR generated from this douchebaggery that Jessica has attached himself to so as to save her flailing career. I have heard that women have trouble getting roles in Hollywood as they get older, and I imagine Jessica is watching that clock, while reading cato the Elder quotes, wondering about what kind of monment he'll leave behind.
http://www.citypaper.net/blogs/clog/2009/01/22/where-we-wont-be-tucker-maxs-book-reading-in-wynnewood/
http://www.hollywoodfail.com/2009/02/tucker-max-is-giant-liar-with-movie.html
"Douchestribution."
"Douchestributor."
The Douche Pack: Matt Douchesky, Jessica Bradford, and Tucker Max.
Yes--they are true innovators, bringing new words and meanings to life!
Ryan Holiday, a boy playing in a man's world:
http://industry.bnet.com/advertising/1000594/american-apparel-eyed-by-sec-over-almost-bankrupt-emails/
Lives and careers Tucker Max has douchified and destroyed:
Bob Gosse
Erin Tyler
Ryan Holiday
Donnie Douchebag Darko
Matt Czurchy (Douchesky)
Jessie Bradford (Jessica Bradford)
Every. Single. Rudius. Blogger.
Katy Johnson
It could be argued that all the above careers were pretty much DOA, but that didn't stop Tucker from going at their coffins with a nail gun.
Haha--the picture of that made me laugh--a hateful douchebag working up a sweat in his acts of destruction and desecration.
holy shit i just emailed this page to matt czurchy's and jesse bradford's agents.
i will repose their responses.
lol.
Tucker should just rename the film "Beer for my Douchebags" and release it as a made-for-cable movie on the country music channel.
if you don't like someone, you're a hater! that argument works everytime.
signed -tucker max
p.s. love me please?
Loved Tucker's "review" on Jesse Bradford's "review".
"Jesse is very smart, except where he disagrees with me, but that's because of his own shortcomings (not mine), anyway, Jesse is very smart."
Jesse's review was something like "It's never been done before, this is a great movie." Of course it's pretty much what he's said about movies like Clockstoppers and W. Who doesn't like a team player.
But still, OF COURSE HE'S GOING TO PUBLICLY SAY HE LIKES THE MOVIE. Do you actually believe if he said the movie is a piece of shit that Tucker would print anything about his "review"?
It's funny though, because as different as Jesse says the movie is, he can't really give any details into WHY THE MOVIE IS DIFFERENT. Maybe it's different because it's derivative and outwardly steals from a lot of other movies and it wasn't made by the same guys who did "Disaster Movie" and "Meet the Spartans".
Jesse, you were an okay kid actor who is barely working in Hollywood. We both know that Stephen Soderburgh doesn't return your calls and you're about 5 years away from being David Hasselhoff, but come on dude, the movie sucks. I understand that IHTSBIH is the best you can do, but seriously, don't ruin yourself any more for a douchebag like Tucker.
Tucker's movie is gonna fail worse than the time Tucker tried to join the special forces. And the time that Tucker tried to write fiction about the time that he tried to join the special forces. And the time that Tucker went on Opie and Anthony. In fact, his movie is going to fail worse than all of Tucker's other failures put together.
"you're about 5 years away from being David Hasselhoff"
HEY HEY HEY no busting on David Hasselhoff!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PJQVlVHsFF8
*swoon*
And Knight Rider. We'll always have Knight Rider.
"A bad adaptation of a pretty good book."
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1220628/board/thread/129971022
"I guess I'm one of the 5% of the people who didn't like this movie at his big screening.
It's just not a good film. I know Tucker really wants this movie to be groundbreaking on some level (although he can't really tell you how it's "groundbreaking"), but it's fairly derivative. I've seen this movie before in bits and pieces of other (better done) films. The narrative that's supposed to string together his episodic novel into a cohesive film just doesn't ever gel. Sure Tucker's stories read as very funny, but here there's very little to keep it all together.
What I really was disappointed about was how much better his book was as compared to this movie. His book had some deeper meaning and/or message to it. Have to say that none of that deeper meaning comes out in this movie. I felt that Tucker sold out his novel. He sold it out in that he took cheap laughs (which his book has in spades), but instead of adding to it his own themes, he traded those themes for some really lame jokes (which don't ever mean anything in the movie).
The dialogue in the movie is okay, although when the film veers off the course of his "totally 100% true" stories the dialogue is laughably horrendous. Yes, Tucker is an *beep* in the film, but it's hard taking him seriously when those nuggets of gold he spews in the book are surrounded by the other lumps of *beep* that spew forth out of the character's mouth. I wasn't laughing WITH the character, I was laughing AT his absolute ineptitude. It's not like Matt Czuchry is a bad actor, I just don't think he had much to work with here. His character's arc is a complete flatline. I can deal with a character who has no redeeming qualities, (just look at Bad Santa) I just can't deal with that character if they are uninteresting. As it stands in this movie, the character is just a one note moron with a couple of *beep* lines that are strewn throughout the less than 90 minute film. It's just not enough to keep the film going.
The plot itself is a rehashing of just about every teen/college-age hijinx film that's come out since forever. The actual story that drives the narrative does not come from his any of his "100% true stories", and that's a shame. What I did get from his book was that Tucker accepts his fate as being a horrible person. He finally grasps that he could never be like everybody else because the way he's wired will not let him become a competent human being who is able to have any sort of meaningful human contact. This facet of his book, which should have been the crux of his movie, was completely absent. He could have remained true to his own work and still had the "zany" comedy he badly attempts in this script, and had himself a much better film. This is why I am saying he sold out on his own work. I could understand if somebody else tried to adapt his book to a screenplay and missed out on a couple of the main themes, but Tucker himself wrote the screenplay. He left his own themes out of the film for the sake of some cheap rehashed laughs. What the heck.
I really wanted to like the movie, but I really can't say that I was anything other than morbidly disappointed in the final results of this film."
This "movie" is going to generate many truly epic lulz. It's going to Tucker Max Fail!
i am sick of seeing these stupid IHTSBiH advertisements everywhere. every stupid commercial break on tv, every movie preview, always on the radio, and i am especially sick of hearing the buzz from my friends about this movie. everyone from bloggers to marathon runners can't stop yapping about this movie!!! Just kidding. it's DOA.
This guy nails it:
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1220628/board/thread/129848027
thread still needs more boobies
I dunno, man... seems to me like there are plenty of boobs on this board already...
^ you really hurt my feelings with that man. why do you have to be so mean?? show a little respect, asshole.
^^^ Aw, geez... I'm really sorry, man. I didn't mean to hurt you. Look, let me make it up to you: I'll buy you a ticket to Tucker's movie. Will that make you feel better?
get a room
git a rope
'S OK, I forgive you man. I love you guys.
you too
wanna feel in my pants?
^ Not you, taintguy.
Tucker says: "From a marketing standpoint, word of mouth is the most important thing..."
Since when does word of mouth qualify as marketing? Isn't word of mouth exactly the opposite of what marketing is? What a fucking douche nozzle.
Who's this guy saying word of mouth has nothing to do with marketing? Isn't getting word of mouth to spread effectively an essential part of good marketing? What a fucking douche nozzle.
Who's this guy who doesn't understand that good marketing is not word of mouth, but rather inspires word of mouth? When we talk about Tucker's movie, is that marketing? What a fucking douche nozzle.
Douche nozzle #2 got served.
Tucker Max is a lot like that guy Stephen Fowler from Wife Swap, only... a lot less successful.
Speaking about "success". Would you deem "success" as somebody who has a "NY Times Best Seller" but still HAS TO LIVE WITH ROOMMATES OUT OF FINANCIAL CONCERN?
Sure, it sounds good, but in reality he's 33 or 36. Not all that impressive.
Top ten marketing initiatives frome douchius meddia:
10. Free warm, hot, buttery douche and taint on all popcorn.
9. Tucker Max action figures with mantits from which flow douche.
8. Party all night with all the rudius douchebags.
7. Meet Matt douchesky/whosky.
6. Meet Jessie/Jessica Bradbord and ask him/her about Cato the Elder.
5. Get a chance to measure Tucker to see how tall he really is.
4. Meet Bob Gosse for a Q&A session about how he came so far so fast.
3. Meet Donnie Darko Doucheo and ask them about their one-hit wonder and dominant preference for outight failures.
2. Be the first to witness the revolutionization of the entertainment industry via 100% pure douche sprinkled with taint.
1 . . . . . wait for it. . .
Yeah? YEAH?! What's number one?! I am LITERALLY on the edge of my seat.
Word of mouth is very important to a film's success.
Word of mouth could also work against you, like say if some very popular websites (for example: Gawker and Fark) are badmouthing your script. That sort of negative press never seems to work in favor of a movie with such a limited name as Tucker Max.
Nadya Suleman---------------------------------This entire thing is part of a much bigger story involving Masons and Satanic rituals of human sacrifice and the ushering in of the birth of the anti-Christ and the beginning of the End Times / 2012 Apocalypse.
Let's examine this whole thing with fresh eyes, shall we?
1) Remember that guy, Ervin Lupoe, who lost his job and then went home and shot up his family last week? Well it turns out he faxed a suicide note to the police which included the phrase: "Oh Lord, My God, is there no help for the widow’s son?” This is a well-known Masonic distress call.
2) The phrase "Oh Lord, My God, is there no help for the widow’s son?” refers to a story about the building of King Solomon's Temple - in which three wicked men commit a horrible crime by murdering Hiram.
3) Ervin Lupoe was connected to the Kaiser Permanente group.
The logo features three mysterious men. But also a rising sun as well.
4) Kaiser Permanente is a "health care" organization. In other other words, it is a tremendously powerful nexus of medicine and science with access to millions of people's personal information.
5) While the Masonic imagery is frightening enough in Kaiser Permanente's logo, I call your attention to another fact that pertains to popular culture: the hit movie "The Usual Suspects." In this movie, the key antagonist, played by Kevin Spacey, is named Keyser Soze. Soze is a mysterious criminal figure of international intrigue who eludes law enforcement around the world.
Perhaps the most famous line from that movie pertains to Keyser Soze's elusive nature, which had begun to lead law enforcement to think he was really just a boogey-man: "The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was making people thinking he doesn't exist."
Was Keyser Soze's character a way of introducing the anti-Christ to a wide-audience, especially in preparation for the 2012 Apocalypse?
6) Let's examine the names: Keyser Soze represents the devil; a con-artist. Soze sounds very similar to "solstice." At precisely the winter solstice on 2012, numerous worldwide prophecies predict a cataclysmic change in the cosmos. So, the character Keyser Soze - who eludes human capture - can be seen as a code for the ushering in of a Satanic reign in 2012.
7) Now how does Keyser Soze pertain to Kaiser Permanente, you may ask. The answer should be obvious from the names.
Clearly, both Keyser and Kaiser are the same when pronounced. And both mean "King." The anti-Christ is the "king of this world".
Yet, whereas Soze pertains to the Solstice (which is a very distinct moment in time), Permanente means "permanent". Thus, Kaiser Permanente will be the Permanent King, ushered in on the darkest day of the year - the winter Solstice 2012.
8) Perhaps the confluence of Satanism and Masonic rituals is becoming a bit more clear at this point. Ervin Lupoe (remember him?) supposedly killed his family because of the current global economic crisis. Some of his final words were a Masonic distress call.
Now, the economic crisis is a perfect cover for such a horrific murder of 5 children, Lupoe's wife, and his own "suicide." But the timing of this horrific death-orgy coincides with the birth of the octuplets - which are also related to Kaiser Permanente!
9) Despite the fact that the mother, Nadya Suleman had already had 6 children (the oldest is only 7), medical doctors agreed to implant 8 frozen embryos into her so that she might give birth to octuplets. This medical proceeding is connected to the Kaiser Permanente group.
10) Now what's the significance of the 8 in the octuplets? Simple: it is a play on the Christian concept of the octave - a key numerological symbol of a new reign / new life. This is because the cosmos were created in 7 days, so the new cosmos begins on the 8th day. This is why Baptismal fonts tend to have 8 sides, and why major feasts like Easter are celebrated for 8 full days liturgically.
11) Suleman's octuplets, then, represent a perverse twist on this Christian theme. Suleman (whose name has overtones of Solomon mentioned above) became a conduit for a new type of life through the artificial process of the embryonic implants at such a number! Just as Solomon employed the Masons to build the Temple, Suleman turns to Kaiser Permanente to build a new temple for Satan in her womb.
12) So how does any of this relate to the Lupoe massacre? Given the premises heretofore established, the Lupoe massacre may have been a sacrificial offering to ensure that all 8 of the octuplets would in fact survive.
13) Remember, numerology is very important to Masons.
The Luope massacre consisted 0f 5 children and 2 adults. In other words, 7 people. Since 7 represents the old creation, and 8 represents the new creation that replaces the old, the Lupoe massacre occurred to create room for the new creation through the octuplets.
The perverting of Christian numerical symbology by Masons for Satanic purposes is nothing new, and must ever be watched.
These are heady times, people. Be on the lookout!
Our good friend Gilad Atzmon proposed a new idea, that the Anglo-Americans are particularly vile, and that they need the Holocaust narrative to justify and persist with their nastiness. In Gilad’s own words, “I believe that it isn't the Jews who impose this Holocaust narrative. It is actually the Anglo-Americans who need Auschwitz, just because it allows them to kill in the name of freedom...” He stated it in his Re-Arranging the 20th Century: Allegro, non Troppo, and in his interview to Lasse Wilhelmson, Gilad says: “I am totally convinced that H isn't a Zio narrative. I put a major blame on the Anglo-Americans”. Lasse asked him: “So the post war imperialists created the H narrative to be able to use Zionism ideologically and the Jews as a scapegoat?” Gilad replied: “… Auschwitz allows the Anglo-American to kill in the name of democracy”.
Now, I beg to disagree. This narrative is Jewish, it belongs to Jews, and it has no meaning but as manifestation of Jewish supremacy, as we shall explain below, and it is not necessary to put it over on the much blamed Anglo-Saxon. By creating the “Second Villain” (the Anglo-Americans) Gilad sins against Ockham and multiplies entries beyond necessity. Though Gilad wrote his text as an exercise in dialectics, it can be utilised by less scrupulous men as a “guilt-shifting”.
Gilad: But in fact, it isn’t Jews alone who are capitalising on ‘Auschwitz the message’. It is in the shadow of that very message that Americans allow themselves to kill millions of innocent civilians in the name of democracy and freedom.
Objection! The Americans kill Iraqis and whoever else on behalf of their Jewish mind-benders and masters. Thus is it still Jewry that “capitalises on Auschwitz the message”. When the Americans killed Vietnamese and Cambodians, or the Brits killed Kikuyu and Malays, they did not ever mention the Polish village and its German-run camp. So they really do not need this message in order to kill whoever they wish.
In order to sustain his thesis, Gilad tries to prove that the Anglo-Americans did not care for Jews during the war. He says:
The British Empire was reluctant to help European Jews escape their doomed fate. It was Lord Bevin’s 1939 White Paper that stopped Jews from immigrating to Palestine when danger for their lives was immanent.
Here Gilad repeats verbatim some Zionist propaganda from Israeli high school. Not many people thought that the European Jews were “doomed” at that time. One may read the book by Shabtay Beit Zvi, http://www.vho.org/aaargh/fran/livres4/Beitzvi.pdf based on the archives of the Jewish Agency to find out that the Jewish leaders did not think so, nor in 1939, neither in 1942. In the same 1939, all Polish Jews could find refuge in the Soviet Union. Many did (like my father) and survived. Others, like Elie Wiesel, preferred to go with Germans to escape the Red Army.
Gilad reiterated: It was the RAF that repeatedly dismissed the necessity of bombing Auschwitz.
Another go of Zionist propaganda. The camp was an internment facility, attended by the Red Cross (as opposed to the US internment centre in Guantanamo). If it were bombed, the internees would die – or as a result of the bombing, or due to starvation for the supplies would not arrive. Indeed, would Gilad advise to bomb Guantanamo? This idea of “bombing Auschwitz” makes sense only if one accepts the vision of “industrial extermination factory”, and it was formed only well after the war.
Gilad: Roosevelt did very little to help European Jews during the war. The American administration didn’t change its immigration laws between 1933-45 in order to allow mass immigration of European Jews into the USA.
Another Zionist bite. Why should the US invite Jews, and not all other people who suffered under the German occupation? Again, no reason at all, for the “doomed” narrative of holocaust came into being much, much later.
Gilad exceeds himself by asserting that Jews are the victims of the Holocaust Industry.
“It isn’t only the Palestinians who happen to suffer from the politicisation and industrialisation of the Holocaust personal narrative. Once the Holocaust had become ‘the new Jewish religion’, it was the real, genuine victim who was robbed of his own intimate personal biography. The very private disastrous narrative has now become collective Jewish property. The real singular Holocaust survivor, the one who lived the horror, has been robbed of his very personal life experience. “
Forgive me for laughing instead of crying: this “robbery” is the fate of a participant of every historical event, be it a war, a revolution, a battle, or even a bout of inflation. The public discourse displaces a personal narrative. Monsieur de La Palisse http://www.miscellanees.com/c/palisse.htm was alive until he died.
The Jewish discourse is integrated as a central part of Western consciousness. Furthermore, the West needs the Jewish neurosis.
The West needs the Jewish neurosis like a fish needs boots. The West managed fine without it, and it would manage fine but it was forced by the Jews to swallow this neurosis. We see there are non-Jewish elite forces that started to use the great argument of Michael Neumann: John J. Mearsheimer and Stephen M. Walt for the Kennedy School of Government at Harvard University said that the Jewish designs contradict the American Imperial Interests.
The two Gods, Holocaust and Democracy, are cleverly set in a complementary relationship. The message is clear: unless Democracy is in place, a Holocaust is inevitable.
This is a clear case of misunderstanding. Just recently Hamas was democratically elected to rule Palestine, and it was not approved by the US and Israel. Russia had a democratically elected Parliament in 1993, but it was not approved by the US and Israel. Belarus has a democratically elected President but he is not approved by the US and Israel. Thus, Democracy is not required: a regime should be approved by the Jews. And no regime will be approved by the Jews, unless it is controlled by the Jews. Thus we arrive to another truism: unless a country is controlled by the Jews, a Holocaust is inevitable. Or, even in simpler form: it is Yisrael, or Esau. If Yisrael can’t control Esau, Esau will kill him. This is a traditional Jewish point of view.
Though the baddies speak recently of Democracy, it does not naturally mesh with the H narrative. If you wish to decode the H message, it is rather an antidemocratic message of Strauss and Hobbes, that the majority should be ruled in and controlled by the wise and noble men. Democracy is permitted (rather than ordered) if the disobedient [to the Jews] parties are banned or marginalised, and the media and wealth are concentrated in the Jewish hands.
The H’s message is anti-native, for H is a crime the natives committed against the foreigners in their midst. As non-Jewish elites are native, they have no need for the H discourse. Indeed, similar crimes occurred in the colonial context: the Black Hole of Calcutta, the story of mistreatment of the Brits by the Indians in 1756, and the Haiti revolt of Toussaint L’Ouverture when “the Haitian slaves executed all Frenchmen they could find” http://www.wsu.edu/~dee/DIASPORA/HAITI.HTM. In both cases, they did not become central for the Western thought.
The last fault I find in Gilad’s texts is philosophical one. He writes:
“The positivist school insisted that we should become more scientific and far less philosophical. The Vienna Circle, a group of [Jewish] philosophers and scientists, aimed at eradicating any traces of metaphysics out of the body of scientific knowledge. Logical positivism wasn’t just an attack against emotional and spiritual expression, it was also a clear offensive on German philosophy. … these three outlaws: Irving, Zundel and Germar, the three rightwing historical revisionists who happen to be locked behind bars, question the validity of the personal narrative; foolishly they aim at establishing a rational, dynamic, lucid empirically grounded narrative based on forensic evidence. The three criminals are applying logical-positivistic methods. Pathetically, they follow the tradition of Carnap, Popper and the Vienna Circle. I wonder whether they realise that they happen to follow an academic tradition set by a Jewish secular Germanic school. Those ugly revisionists are aiming at truth-values, correspondence rules, empiricism.”
This is witty but all wrong. The Logical-Positivist school was a Judaic attack formation in the philosophical discourse aiming to emasculate the Christian spirit. Science was just a cover for their purely religious and metaphysical task: to de-spiritualise the West. Likewise, the revisionists have religious and metaphysical tasks, even if they use some scientific words and concepts. Jurgen Graf made it clear in his important book, but the same was stated by Mahler, Zundel and others. No, Gilad, they did not follow “an academic tradition set by a Jewish secular Germanic school” but denied it. Empiricism loaded their discourse with some least interesting footnotes, but at its best, revisionism is a purely metaphysical denial of Jew-worship.
^^^^^^^Wow, that's deep. Does it make Tucker's shitty script any better?
See Tucker fail. Fail, Tucker, fail!
I can't believe I read that whole Nadya Suleman comment, but I gotta say, crazy interesting stuff.
i read nothing of that long ass fag comment, but i gotta say, tucker max is a failure at life and a huge liar!
Top ten marketing initiatives frome douchius meddia:
10. Free warm, hot, buttery douche and taint on all popcorn.
9. Tucker Max action figures with mantits from which flow douche.
8. Party all night with all the rudius douchebags.
7. Meet Matt douchesky/(whosky?).
6. Meet Jessie/Jessica Bradbord and ask him/her about Cato the Elder.
5. Get a chance to measure Tucker to see how tall he really is.
4. Meet Bob Gosse for a Q&A session about how he came so far so fast, and why he turned down directing Superbad.
3. Meet Donnie Darko Doucheo and ask them about their one-hit wonder and dominant preference for epic failures.
2. Be the first to witness the revolutionization of the entertainment industry via 100% pure douche sprinkled with taint.
1 . . . . . wait for it. . .
i can hardly wait for the premiere so i can get my picture with the brotastic douchepack.
tucker max
matt douchesky (whosky?)
jessica bradford (child beauty queen)
bob gosse (the dircetor tucker hired so he could have someone to throw under the bus when his suckage debuts)
i want to ask matt how one goes from dating kate bosworth to playing the lead douchebag in the douchiest film ever shot. what's his secret to success? is it because he's prettier than the girls tucker cast?
i think it's awesome that they cast men who are prettier than the women in the movie. that says it all. that is tucker's view of himself and his friends. pretty, unmanly, honorless, soulless douchetards who quote cato the elder to bolster their lackluster credentials of duke and u of c.
"Nobody, and I mean nobody, has done more for the word 'douche' than Tucker Max." --Matt Douchesky (Whosky?) in his future Rolling Stone Interview after IHTSBIH takes in the $200,000,000+ that Tucker is projecting with his u of c education in economics, which also brought us the collapse of modern capitalism.
After saying this, Docuhesky flies away on his private VIACOM jet--bought with all the cashola Gosse's masterpiece generated--with the Olson twins.
douchetastic
this is a repeat story and totally made up. nice try, Mcbeefsmoker.
doucheriffic.
The Good, The Bad and the Douchey
Douche Cassidy and the Sundouche Kid
A Fistful of Douchemite
The Lion, The Witch and The Douchebag
more movies douchious media is making:
douche wars
close encounters of the doucheiest kind
band of brosephs
band of douchebags
the doucher (like the wrestler, except tucker in his fifties)
bravedouche
the 300 douches
ferris doucher's day off
a fistful of douche
and of course:
irondouche
batdouche
superdouche
spiderdouche
the incredible douche
douchiator (like gladiator but tucker plays the evil emperor)
douchinator (nils plays the terminator)
lord of the douche (tucker must get the douche to viacom, before his movie comes out and kills his career)
harry doucher (instead of the school of hogwarts, all the douchards (wizards) are summoned to rudius media--tuckers apartment)
mad douche
instead of john "the duke" wayne our generation will celebrate tucker "the douche" max.
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Douche
Raiders of the Lost Douche
The Douche Crusade
Tucker is revolutionary. You'll see.
i just saw the t-shirts for the premiere. they say:
"i think we made something special."--tucker max
on the shirt he is sitting on a toilet.
it's funny how he really is like an unmanly five year old, "i think we made something special."
"I think we made something special"
"I'm busy making art!!!"
I almost feel like suing him for the money I paid for his book and claim that it was bought due to false advertising.
I'm tired of this. Show me some fucking spaceships, man.
SHOW ME SOME FUCKING SPACESHIPS
only, not _fucking_ spaceships, ifyanowatimean
Tucker Max: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Doucebaggery
chariots of douche
american douche, part three
the return of the douche
d is for douchebag (v is for vendetta)
the assasination of jesse (jessica) bradford's career by the coward tucker 'douchebag' max.
when tucker max siezes control after the coming economic collapse engineered by the douchetastic duke and u of c bankers, the following changes to the language will take place:
director will become doucherector
distributor = douchestributor
distribution = douchestribution
fantastic = douchetastic
matt whosky? will become matt douchesky so taht we forget his failed career where he used tyo date kate bozworth
jessica bradford = jessie doucheford
all popcorn will be topped with buttery, corporate-state douche and salted with tucker's taint, enforced by law.
duke university = douche university
u of c = u of d
douche for my horses will become the #1 song on cmt
nascar will become douchecar, as the track is shellacked with douche before each race, under tucker's supervision.
our new dictator will be our douchetator
no longer will nils kill bags of doritos in one sitting, but bags of douche.
and tucker's new excuse (exdouche) will be that the video tape fell in the giant tank of douche he keeps in his closet.
straight to dvd
Awwwww....
The 14th comment on the new page came on Valentines Day, the 14th of February.
See Tuckster? We Do Loves Ya, Ya Big Douchey Lying Fucker!
That being said, I agree with the above comment. Strizzaight to DVDizzaight.
And now that Is'e done my black people impression, I've got a totally true, 100% not made up story for you:
Ahem...
Tucker Max walks up to a girl and says, "Hey, are you really that fat, or do you generate your own orbit because of your massive mass? By which I mean ASS! WHOOOO!!!!"
Tucker raises his hand in a triumphal gesture of high-five, only to find no takers.
And then she says, "EXCUSE ME??"
And Tucker says, because he assumes she didn't hear, "DID YOU NOT HEAR ME? OR ARE YOUR EARS FAT TOO?"
The chubster says, "Actually, I was born with a narrowed ear canal in my left ear, and I have severe hearing loss in my right one as a result of an accident with a 12 gauge when I was a little girl. But yeah, I heard you, you feckless loser."
"Do you want chocolate cake or cheesecake?" says Tucker, "Both, I'm guessing..."
"Actually," she says, "I don't much care for cake."
Tucker stammers, "Um, Uhhh, well, then, uhhhhhhhh... um, say goodbye to all the leftovers! YEEEAAAH, BITCH!"
He high fives his imaginary broski, whiffs, and hits the floor.
The corpulent woman says to a prostrate Tucker, "Who in their right mind would eat leftover gefilte fish and latkes? Fucking gross!"
To which Tucker says, "You might have missed it the first time, let me say it again, (heh-hem-throatclearing) DID YOU NOT HEAR ME? OR ARE YOUR EARS FAT TOO?"
And she says, "No, I heard you the first time, dude. I just wanted to know if you wanted to hop on to my satellite. And by satellite, I mean this Cosmic Brownie that's been orbiting me for a few days now. And by orbiting, I mean sitting in my purse."
And then Tucker says, "Yes. Yes I do. By the way, can I tell my friends that you were realllllly hot, and that we had sex and stuff?"
And then SHE says (with a mouthful of brownie, "Ummm, ammm, ommm, No, buft can we preftend that I nevrer meft you? I've got browfnief to eaft, and you're kinda lame."
An hour later...
"AWESOME!!!! TUCKER TO THE MAX!!!! WHICH IS ME!!!!" though Tucker. "I Totally hooked up with a hottie tonight! And I got the dumb bitch to feed me. I'll make it into a story about how I fucked her in the ass, then fucked her friend in the ass, and then lost my pants, then got in a fight with a hockey mascot, and then crashed some girl's car into a donut shop, and then I FOUND my pants!"
Tucker was elated. And then he realized that he might be taking things a BIT too far...
"No, no one will ever believe that. I KNOW! I'll say I never FOUND my pants! Yeah! That's airtight!"
Such was the genesis of Tucker Max, in a thousand different ways, all too similar to this postulate.
Tucker Max is a doucebag, and a liar.
the douchesucker proxy starring matt douchesky
easy doucher starring peter fonda and matt douchesky (whosky)
one flew over the douchebag's nest starring jessica bradford as nurse ratchet.
The Douchebag: Revolutions
Straight to dvdouche!
I heard that Tucker Max will now be one-upping Michael Moore's success with a new line of revolutionary douchumentaries produced by Doucheias Media, certain to bolster Tucker's unheralded success by which he already lives in an apartment with douchemates at the tender age of 33.
The films will include:
Douching for Columbine
Douchebag and Me
Doucehbag 911
Doucheo
Funded by Donnie Doucho and straight to dvdouche!
I can hear Tucker pitching the "straight to dvdouche" to studio execs:
"It's just like American Pie and Van Wilder and Eurotrip but we replace the humor with douche and the actors with douchebags. . . Can we patent this?"
You know who enjoys soup?
Me, that's who.
WHO SAID SOUP
Are there stairs in your house?
OKAY. FESS UP. WHICH OF YOU ANONS IS DIRK MAGNUM?
http://myeve.eve-online.com/ingameboard.asp?a=topic&threadID=1000066&page=1#22
^^^ It isn't me.
It isn't me, either.
It might be me.
All these anons are starting to confuse me.
Who said that?
I did.
Who?
Me!
Who?!
Me, Anonymous!
Oh, all right.
You guys do realize that the doesn't afraid of anything fad didn't start on here, right?
^^ Yeah, it did. All good things start on the doucebag board.
i will bet anyone this book has more laughs than tucker's douchetastic books & straight to dvdouche movies.
haha.
ha.
hahahaha.
it made me laugh today.
chariots of douche.
douching for columbine.
are you there god? it's me, douchebag.
keep up the fantastic work!
Tucker totally coined the term, "and doesn't afraid of anything" much like he coined, "hilarity ensues."
310 To Douchetown
Douchebags Vs. Predators
Confessions of a Doucheaholic
Star Trek 2: The Douche of Khan
douchespotting
Seven Brides for Seven Douchebags
Douchefellas
This Is Spinal Douche
Never Been Douched'
Douchebag Begins
The Douche Knight
The Silence of the Douchebags
Dr. Strangedouche (or How I Stopped Worrying and Learned To Love The Douche)
It's A Wonderful Douche
Douchebag Millionaire
The Douche of the Sierra Madre
Douching Private Ryan
L.A. Doucheadental
The Douche Over The River Kwai
No Country For Old Douchebags
^^^^^^ HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
boobies
Tucker just blogged about the music they will be using.
Unable to afford real bands, they are using
AC/DOUCHEC--I'm on a DOUCHEWAY TO HELL!
Dexy's Midnight Douchers
Douche on Eileen!
HIPHOP:
Douche Yourself
In Da Douche
Snoop Douchey Douche
Nils and Tucker wrote a song with Paul Wall, and the name of their band is:
DWA--DOUCHES WITH ATTITUDE
They have planty of rock ballads, including:
November Douche
Chocolate Douche:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EwTZ2xpQwpA
a scene from douche in hell!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fad6eZTDikA
Read this:
http://ihopetheyservebeerinhell.com/archives/print/music_in_the_mo.html
(Post bragging about how awesome they are that they're going to use a song in the movie from an Australian band that sounds like AC/DC instead of an actual AC/DC song.)
Then this:
Second Comment from gehtfuct:
"I would just like to point out that the band Airbourne, is probably much cheaper due to the fact that not even we listen to them."
(Post from someone from Australia. I can't WAIT for this movie to come out so I'll finally stop hearing Tucker build up this movie like it's the next big thing and watch him face facts that the best part of his movie was his extreme pre-release hype and build-up)
Link to the comment:
http://messageboard.tuckermax.com/showthread.php?s=8db8e9781dd546234d5ea1eaab0efb59&t=25494&page=2
Good post at 7:30 AM, but there's one correction that needs to be made. See, 'hype' isn't something the 'artist' (or in this case, Tucker) does - it's something other people do FOR him. Tucker and his idiots are the only ones talking about this movie, so it doesn't really count as 'hype'.... unless, of course, Tucker's revolutionizing the way hype works. It wouldn't surprise me. All he ever does is revolutionize everything all the dang time.
There has been some controversey regarding whether or not tucker is a douchebag.
In order to settle the score for once and all, tucker got donnie darko doucheo to put up millions to prove it for once and for all: that talentless tucker max, played by talentless matt douchesky, is indeed a douchebag.
and soon we will see the film that proves it, immortalizing his douchebaggery to all the world.
Wow,
So Tucker is going to get an AC/DC tribute band to be in their soundtrack because he thinks it will fool people into thinking that it's really AC/DC.
Maybe he should spend time becoming a better screenplay writer, as he's fooled almost less than nobody.
welcome to hotel doucheafornia
...
you can check out any time
but you can never leave.
wish that i had douchie's girl!
Blinded by the light,
Wrapped up like a douche, another roller in the night.
I had a friend was a big baseball douchebag
back in high school
He could throw that speedball by you
Make you look like a douche boy
Saw him the other night at this roadside bar
I was walking in, the douche was walking out
We went back inside sat down had a few drinks
but all he kept talking about was
Chorus:
Douchey days well they'll pass you by
Douchey days in the wink of a young girl's eye
Douchey days, douchey days
Midway through, Matt douchesky and jessica bradfordski are singing the song in a bar.
Tucker's film is a musical comedy.
I had a friend was a big baseball douchebag
back in high school
He could throw that doucheball by you
Make you look like a douche boy
Saw him the other night at this douchebag bar
I was walking in, the douche was walking out
We went back inside sat down had a few drinks
but all he kept talking about was
Chorus:
Douchey days well they'll pass you by
Douchey days in the wink of a young girl's eye
Douchey days, douchey days
Midway through, Matt douchesky and jessica bradfordski are singing the song in a bar.
Tucker's film is a musical comedy.
soon the world will know and come to respect "the douche pack."
I mean, AC/DC didn't want to pay ME for being in the movie. I'm like, hey, I'm tucker max, you need me. I'll just find a fuckin' Austrailin' band that will be happy to be in my straight to limewire release.
I heard that Tucker's dad has already offered him a job at his new restaurant. The job details include helping people whose food is too hot for them to eat.
The dad will walk Tucker to their table and announce "This is my son. He has a history of blowing things."
Then Tucker will lean over and blow on their food till it not as hot as it was.
@7:30
Notice the Tuckster executing the alpha male public smackdown manoeuvre on his employee Ryan Holiday on page 3 of that thread. Because the Tuckster is such an alpha male he can publicly cut down his own employees and it's cool.
Oh yea oh yeah who's the tuckster who's the tuckster
http://www.the-iss.com/2009/01/internet_argument_tips.php
It's like reading the Tucker Max playbook from his own board.
Tucker's fans behave like beaten dogs (or women) when they dare to address their great leader:
**********************************
Tucker, are you aware the link you posted to James Venable's IMDB profile goes to his IMDbPRO page, which most of us can't see?
Don't know if it's worth the trouble to fix, but so you know.
**********************************
Grovel, bitch, grovel, or your idol will give you another Internet beatdown.
Some say douche, it is a river
That drowns the tender reed
Some say douche, it is a razor
That leaves your soul to bleed
Some say douche, it is a hunger
An endless aching need
I say douche, it is a flower
And Tucker Max, its only seed.
http://movies.hsx.com/servlet/SecurityDetail?symbol=IHTSB&day_span=all&field=
The Hollywood Stock Exchange prediction market says that Tucker's vanity project is going to tank.
Even this piece of shit is trading at more than twice the price of IHTSBIH:
http://movies.hsx.com/servlet/SecurityDetail?symbol=WNDFL
"The horror comedy It's A Wonderful Afterlife centers on a British-Indian mother who resorts to serial murders in order to marry off her daughters. Described as My Big Fat Greek Wedding meets Shaun of the Dead, the film will feature a multi-cultural cast. Gurinder Chadha will direct and co-script with her producer husband Paul Mayeda Berges."
Yessiree, Tucker's piece of shit movie is going to like totally revolutionize Hollywood, brah. A crappy-sounding British film with a bunch of no-names is pwning IHTSBIH.
Epic Fail Straight-to-DVD in 10... 9... 8... 7...
ALL YOU PEOPLE ARE HORRIBLE. JUST LEAVE TUCKER ALONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ALL YOU PEOPLE ARE HORRIBLE. JUST LEAVE BUNNY ALONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ALL YOU PEOPLE ARE HORRIBLE. JUST LEAVE BRITNEY ALONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Has anybody noticed that Tucker is going bald? He wears a faux Caesar haircut in the front so nobody notices that his hairline is probably an inch higher than he lets on.
Also, the back of his hair is losing the battle of baldness. I'm certain he's using Propecia or Rogaine, but it's not enough to stem the tide. He's noticably balding.
I can hear it now:
"Do you not understand how important I am, and having hair is only part of the reason I'm so important. That is why I got hair plugs you fucking idiot. You know what, fuck you, you're banned."
You know what Tucker needs? Really, really needs?
A good yiffing. That's what.
When Tucker mad the NYT Bestseller List, the NYT's stock plummeted.
When VIACOM wired $300,000 to Tucker, their stock plummeted.
Tucker is but the manifestation of the epic douchebaggery that is killing this economy and nation.
All that his succes takes is zero conscience. He is the tail-end of a cultural ponzi scheme that dwarfs the Madoff scandal.
Douchebaggery cannot rule forever with its lisp, tiny hand, mantits, and balding head, which is freakishly large when compared to Tucker's narrow, tiny shoulders.
Tucker's lit is the best a declining fiat currency in a declining nation can buy, which is why Nils is so proud of it, and which is why Matt whosky/douchesky and jessica bradford's careers are officially over, as bob gosse's ever was.
EMPTY THREAD HAVEN'T BREAKS
Hey everybody, go read Bunny's latest post! You see, the Bunny *sees dead people*.
tucker max says he only listens to rap
http://messageboard.tuckermax.com/showthread.php?s=8db8e9781dd546234d5ea1eaab0efb59&t=25494&page=2
omg. what a fucking douche bag. did tucker try to slit his wrists when immortal technique wasnt available?
I know better than anyone that the huge fucking focus here is undeniably Tucker Max, but have you heard of this other doucebag Dick Masterson?
TAT
Fat Nils ist getting married. Probably a mail order bride or something. I mean he's fat, not funny, a talentless writer and after the movie bombs his only "job" will be that of a mod on the RMMB. SLF can tell him how much that pays.
http://messageboard.tuckermax.com/showthread.php?t=25516
Hey, don't knock mail order brides. They're hot, and they don't speak the language, so the only interaction is to clean the dishes, cook, and fuck. What else would you want from a wife?
http://amhpub.amherst.edu/okatrandjian09/blog/2008/07/31/tucker-max-outrageous-or-just-highly-predictable/
Tucker Max: Outrageous, or Just Highly Predictable?
I sat on my bed, my laptop sat next to me. It was just before eleven on a Friday night, and to kill time before going out, I was sifting through stories on www.tuckermax.com. Let me assure you, this is not my usual way of killing time. In fact, I had only heard of Tucker Max earlier that day, when a friend insisted I buy the book.
“It’s 13 dollars, Liv, just buy it,” he said.
“It’s not the money,” I replied. “It’s the principle. I wouldn’t spend one dollar on that crap.”
Sticking to my principle had not killed my interest, however, and I had no qualms about reading the stories online for free.
After reading a couple stories, I was glad I hadn’t wasted the 13.99. I didn’t find them particularly entertaining and the man himself wasn’t particularly attractive. So what was the appeal?
Tucker Max’s email address was listed on his website, and instead of wasting time reading other stories, I figured I’d just ask him myself.
A friend I was talking to thought I was crazy. “What, you actually think he’s going to respond to you?!” Fuck it, I thought, what’s the worst that could happen?
At 11:01 PM, I wrote:
Dear Mr. Max,
I have been asked to write a female response to Neil Strauss’ The Game, and after taking a look at your blog, I thought it might be helpful to speak with you. Are you free for a drink sometime?
Olivia Katrandjian
In an attempt to sound professional, I entitled the email “Interview Inquiry,” but this did not stop him from being quite the opposite. And in record time, I might add – less than one minute later, I received a response:
I am always free for drinks with a hot girl.
Ew. The bottom of his email was signed with a quotation:
“…highly entertaining and thoroughly reprehensible…”
-NY Times describing TuckerMax.com
I figured I’d have to play along if I wanted to get anywhere, so at 11:14 PM, I responded:
How perfectly quaint. How’s tomorrow evening?
I came home the next morning to find that he had responded at 2 AM:
Where do you live?
What was the allegedly insane partier, Mr. Tucker Max, doing home on a Friday night? And writing to me, no less?
Maybe he had an assistant responding to emails for him. How perfectly quaint.
I had read somewhere that he lives in the Flatiron District of Manhattan, and operating on the assumption that everyone who is anyone lives in New York, doing further research on his whereabouts had not even crossed my mind.
At 10:09 AM, I replied simply: Manhattan.
My little brother called me and I filled him in on the situation, thinking he might be amused. Now generally speaking, my little brother is pretty unprotective of me, at least in comparison to my older brother, but - “WHAAAT?!?!” I guess he had heard of Mr. Max. “Chill Philly, I just want to do an interview, and it prolly won’t even happen.” “Fine. FINE! BUT IT ENDS AT DINNER LIV!! IT ENDDDDDDS AT DINNER!!!!”
My inbox beeped with new mail and I hung up the phone:
I live in LA.
Looks like my brother wasn’t going to have to worry after all. 20 minutes later, I sent a response:
Oh damn, I read somewhere you live in the Flatiron District. Will you be in New York anytime soon?
Half an hour later, he responded:
Nope.
You still haven’t sent pics.
I did a double take. What? – did he– was I– what?!
I closed my laptop and went out. When I returned several hours later, I responded:
Would you be up for a phone interview sometime next week? Or an online interview?
As for the pictures, I’ll leave that up to your imagination…
Not a minute later, he laid down the line:
Then that’s where our interview will stay, in the imagination.
I expressed my surprise, replying immediately with exactly what was on my mind:
You have got to be kidding me.
It didn’t take him a minute to express his surprise as well:
You want something from me, without offering anything to me, and
you’re being a bitch about it? That’s a good way to get it. Let’s see
how that works out for you.
Bitch? I’m a bitch?! I mean I am, but he doesn’t know that.
So much for the interview. But let’s be real here, I already got everything I needed.
Tucker Max is a doucebag.
Am I reading Tucker's blog correctly?
It sounds to me that he and Nils are getting married to each other this week.
How long have they been dating? Who's the bride?
Anyone have details, or happen to know where they registered for gifts?
2/21/2009 1:06 PM
I think you gave your smug self away with the "How perfectly quaint" crap. Make a note to yourself - real intellectuals rarely try so hard.
^ See that? No fancy words or high-falutin' phrases. But if I WAS gonna use a word like that in addressing you, I think it would have been "dilettante".
Hey Tucker, or Ryanna, or whoever is defending our favorite douce, who posted on 2/21/2009 at 10:08 PM, you said:
"I think you gave your smug self away with the "How perfectly quaint" crap. Make a note to yourself - real intellectuals rarely try so hard."
Well, you're definitely on to something there, tiger. Except that I didn't write that shit. I just have a lot of free time, and greatly enjoy finding out that numerous others know that Tucker Max is a doucebag. Hence the quotation, you unobservant fuckwit.
You know, I do enjoy the privliges of unearned wealth... And before you ask, it's called the lottery. Mega Millions, to be specific.
Yeah, I won it. Years ago. And wonder of wonders, I still have more money than Tucker or his anonymous defender(s) could ever hope to possess.
Plus Google provides, if you know what to look for... But I digress. You also said, Tuckster (or Ryanna... Perhaps Fat Nils?) the following:
"See that? No fancy words or high-falutin' phrases. But if I WAS gonna use a word like that in addressing you, I think it would have been "dilettante"."
Yeah, you're a regular down-home, home-spun fella. Oh, and I'm from WV originally, just so you know. I know that faux country-esque shit when I see it.
And again, you fucking doucebag, that wasn't me talking, that was presumably some woman who instantly realized that Tucker Max is in fact a doucebag.
So nice try, but obvious troll is obvious. Now fuck off and just break down and admit that Tucker Max is a doucebag. You know that it's true, you might as well admit, you fucking pathetic shell of misanthropy.
Next time, don't make it so apparent that you're obvious troll. Or The Tuckster himself. Oh, and if that's you, Tucker, a word of warning: I have money, and a lot of it, and not much to do with it. You can only fuck so many literal whores before that shit gets old. I've decided that a portion of my dividends are going to be devoted to utterly destroying you, you fucking doucebag. I'm thinking June, give or take, because I have a wonderful copyright claim to bring to that ass that hasn't been broached just yet. I'm sure that Rich Kelly is going to love it when I drop your plagiarism on his production company's insurance provider. Plus your vanity piece should be going straight to DVD around that time frame, so I'll be sure to coordinate accordingly.
Anyway, Tucker, it's 14:59. How are you going to deal with being even more of a laughingstock than you currently are? When the name "Tucker Max" is roundly mocked, derided and reviled, to whom are you going to bitch and moan?
You are a fraud, Tucker, and in short order the world will pick up on that fact. It's just shameful that you feel the need to take Matt Whocry's career down with you, not to mention the careers of Geoff Stults and Jesse Bradford.
Those guys might have potentially gone somewhere, but now that they're associated with you, they're forever tainted by the stain of douce.
Anyway, me and my ~ $18,900,000 (to be fair I haven't checked my balance for a few weeks) are going to sign off, but rest assured that a few hundred K will be pissed away on proving that you are in fact a liar and a doucebag. Sleep well, Tucker!
^^^ For the love of Heaven, PLEASE be for real. Now I'm all excited - you better not just be blowing smoke.
Take him down.
Dude, gimme some cash. Just a coupla hundred Gs, whatever. You're rollin in it, so please man, share some wealth here.
2/21/2009 11:29 PM
Remember that SouthPark where Cartman licks the tears off that kids face. He enjoyed the boys pain so much it almost seemed to give him energy. Thats how I feel when someone like you writes such a huge post. I enjoy knowing that some of your life/energy was spent doing it. Even if I didn't get to read it. It's the thought...
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