The story below was copied from a
Facebook.com account. A link to this story in the comments to an older post awhile ago.
Tucker Max's face, meet Megan ******'s hand
Megan was discussing ball shaving with a nice man at a tailgate. Good start to this story;) NE ways, Tucker Max was also at the tailgate and started talking shit to Megan (he obviously thought she was a hot girl who would sleep w/ him if acted like an asshole, and he was showing off in front of his buddies). Megan hit him on the arm, and he said that meant Megan wanted to fuck him because if she hit him in the face, then he'd know she was mad. She then dissed his elastic waistband (yes, he was wearing elastic waistband shorts, what is he, 12?), and he said "its so stupid bitch whores like you can suck my dick without any confusion." So she slapped him in the face!!!
Tucker threw his drink at her, Candice threw her drink at Tucker with lightning fast reflexes, then he proceeded to grab Megan by her hair and hit her in the face with his pathetically small hands. With a bruised face, and a bruised ego, he took his shriveled penis back to his buddies.
In Tucker Max's own words, "My name is Tucker Max, and I am an asshole." Oh, and he hits girls.
15,917 comments:
«Oldest ‹Older 4601 – 4800 of 15917 Newer› Newest»I will bet Gawker $10,000 that when Tucker's movie fails, he will cry like a little girl or Kung Fu Mike after getting his ass kicked by Cloud.
TUCKER FINALLY COMES CLEAN!!!
"I was in literal physical pain watching my movie I saw so many mistakes in the editing. I hated every second of it."
OWNED, BITCH!!!!!
^Don't you hate it when people say "literal" when they really mean "figurative"?
I know I do.
^^ No, dude, I think he meant 'literal'. You know, like his eyes and ears and brain were hurting from having to take that cinematographic train-wreck in.
For a quick laugh:
We have strong indicators that http://www.tuckermax.com/ is written by a woman (100%).
http://tinyurl.com/6x9ple
It's obvious "Greg's take on the screening" (http://ihopetheyservebeerinhell.com/archives/gregs_take_on_t.html) was written by Tucker.
Geek legal answer to the McGriddle question: The McWhatever is a trademark. A trademark can become generic if the owner doesn't control how it is used (see Thermos). Although it is permissible to mention a trademark without permission as a way to compare some other product to the protected product, the depiction of McDonald's in the seen can be considered disparaging and defamatory.
^ What about that guy who made a movie about how he ate MacDonalds for 30 days straight? That was pretty disparaging and defamatory toward MacDonalds.
Super Size Me? Nothing in the documentary was untrue, so defamation or trademark infringement doesn't apply.
There is a very fine line between caricature & defamation; how they can actually pull off the McGriddle analogy without crossing that line is beyond me.
If anyone were to forward a copy of the script to McD's corporate attornies they may be interested in checking it out, especially as it is disparaging in the portrayal of McD's. However I would guess that they bypass all direct references to McD's and go with a fake restaurant name that is close.
"Over the past two years--counting everything; book royalties, TV and movie deals, etc--Rudius has helped its authors make over a million dollars in earnings."
Tucker is such small fry that it is ridiculous that people waste much time on him. So counting TM & his NYT best seller, along with all of the producer $$ advances on IHTSBIH, the revenue thru Rudius is only $1m over the last two years? Way. To. Go. If I had spent 10+ years pursuing a project, building a company, and the net result were <$1m per year I would shoot myself. On a per person breakdown it probably looks like this:
Bunny: $0.
Drex: $50-100k producer income.
Philalawyer: $100-120k off the book & (never disclosed) TV deal
All other Rudius writers: <$1k
TM: $50-100k producer income, $300k+ advance on AFF, $400k or so book royalties.
So Tucker's business is delivering about $350-400k in annual income for him, his top "employees" are earning about 1/4-1/5 of that, and the grunt labor gets almost nothing.
If the dollar amounts weren't so small given the total time investment involved, it would be laughable. Instead it is just sad.
There's also mark ebner and robert green book deals. I don't know why they'd deal with him, though. Both are established, published authors and don't need their books stained with douche water.
you are grossly overestimating tucker's salary. it's hilarious. he has a niche website with approximately 100 regular visitors who hit reload a few times a day. he probably makes about 25k a year if he's lucky. the rest is smoke and mirrors. drex would be lucky to get 5k for producing a first time indie film which is going straight to dvd
ben bernanke prints tucker's dollars at the fed, dips them in douche, wipes henry paulson's ass with them to get some astroglide on them, sends them to viacom, and they send them to tucker so as to breed a new master race of tiny-handed freaks with big heads and no honor.
"The oldest of my friends was 27 the youngest 19. I strongly suspect that a good portion were in one way or another intoxicated, which is good given Tucker's target audience."
They were drunk, and a bunch of them still thought the movie sucked.
What kind of douchetard is tucker's assistant? Will tucker have kung fu mike choke him if he says how much the movie sucks?
http://gawker.com/5037784/the-tucker-max-choke+out-video
One of my friends runs a fan-driven sports website, probably with slightly better demographics to Tuckers. Per Alexa, it also generates more traffic, and has better advertisers. He had to hit up the membership for donations so that he could upgrade the servers. In other words, the website isn't financially self-sufficient.
In other words, $25K in annual revenue is a reasonable estimate before expenses. In terms of net income, Tucker would probably make more money gathering recyclable bottles in dumpsters.
Holy Motherfucking Shit!!!!
You people are all sucky faggy haterz. Tucker is a millionaires bitches, deal. That motherfucker (I mean this figuratively... or maybe literally... I always get that shit mixed up yo) has made ONE MILLIONS DOLLAR off of his totally awesome (and not fakey) book that was based on his awesome shell company that's not a shell anymore.
Sure his "company" is nothing more than a front for himself, and with one million dollars his company doesn't have an office and Tucker doesn't even have a stable place to live, but fuck you fags, he fucks a lot of chicks which means he's awesome and you suck his cock. Real men work from home, or in seedy overpriced dive bars, or in their hotel because they got kicked off the set of their own movie. Tucker is repositioning the entire world to what he deems successful.
"Greg's take on the screening" was not written by Greg.
"We'll see what happens, but the success of Twilight is very encouraging for the success of this movie."
What a raging fucktard this guy is.
twilight is a major-studio vampire movie based on sales of 16,000,000 books.
douche in hell is directed by bob gosse.
douche in hell is directed by bob gosse, written by nils parker.
"FILM.COM: WAS A BIGGER BUDGET NEEDED FOR TWILIGHT MOVIE?” Twilight's production budget was a paltry $37 million dollars. Is that enough to launch the film franchise of the most beloved book series since Harry Potter? Especially if the studio behind it, Summit Entertainment, wants to convert audiences who have never read Meyer's books? The Potter series dished out $125 million for its big-screen debut."
if 37 million is paltry, how much is 6 million?
beer in hell will epic fail.
vampires suck blood.
tucker sucks douche.
another difference between tucker and stephanie meyer is that she doesn't have to spend her days trying to debunk her douchebaggery.
there is no "meyers is a douche" web page, let alone thousands.
While Twilight has hundreds of fan sites: http://www.stepheniemeyer.com/ts_fansites.html
Tucker has one fansite, which he-his biggest fan--created, and where he pays friends to post and spends his time trying to debunk his douchebaggery, which only a douchebag would do:
http://tuckermax.com
I can't help but notice that it's been five days and he still hasn't exactly debunked anything related to HIM, personally.
Does this kid Greg have the balls of a twelve year old? From his post:
"At the dive bar, a couple of my friends and I ventured down to have a drink with Sean, Nils, Jen, Jeff and Tucker (Tucker being the main attraction on their end anyway). We all sat at the bar while Tucker held court at a table, talking about the film. An especially adventurous one of my friends (read:drunk) bought a round of shots for their table, in the hopes of being able to get them to come over and talk with us.
Didn't work. They nodded, said thanks and went right back to work. Heads down, talking shop."
Hopes that they will talk to them?
Did I miss something? Was he talking about Martin Scorsese and Jack Nicholson discussing a crucial scene in The Departed, or was he talking about a group of unknown pussies who are making a low-budget paint by numbers comedy?
How anyone on the planet could be intimidated by Tucker Max in any way shape or form is very hard to comprehend.
Pussies.
Things like that are the reasons why "Greg's take on the screening" wasn't written by Greg.
Otto has gone Blotto!
Read this exchange when some pointed out that his movie is NOT in the same marketing league as Twilight.
"Originally Posted by MoreCowbell
While I imagine you've considered the difference and just didn't mention it in the blog, there's a bit more of an audience difference that you lay out.
Twilight has a lot of people who are absolutely obsessed with that book.
It doesn't just sell books. Amongst young females, it's a large-scale cultural phenomenon. It has one the most devoted following this side of the Bible. The only comparable examples I can imagine are the Harry Potter and Left Behind series.
I doubt most of your fanbase has that degree of obsession with you.
TUCKER REPLIES:
No, you're wrong. You could say this about my book and be very true:
Quote:
IHTSBIH has a lot of people who are absolutely obsessed with that book.
It doesn't just sell books. Amongst young males, it's a large-scale cultural phenomenon. It has one the most devoted following this side of the Bible. The only comparable examples I can imagine are the Harry Potter and Left Behind series.
Dude, I gave a speech at Northeastern University last fall. The 1200 tickets were taken up one hour. They were free to students, but no one outside the university could get in. One of my college buddies tried to get a ticket by going and offering money to kids going in. He started offering $5, and got no takers. He stopped at $50 because, in his words, "I could not believe what was happening, or why anyone would turn money down to se you." He said there were at least 200+ people waiting outside the auditorium, hoping to see me, offering absurd money to get a ticket, and NO ONE sold theirs (according to him).
I am not saying it's right or wrong, I'm just telling you what happened.
Clearly, Twilight has MORE fans than I do, but I don't think the difference is as much as you think it is. And I am not trying to say that young males act like young females in terms of their obsession with books or stories. Nor am I trying to say that Twilight and IHTSBIH are the exact same thing. But if you don't see the obvious parallels, you're either willfully ignorant or not looking."
Wow.
Think about the poor souls who have to sit around listening to this clueless dickbag flapping his mouth. Priceless.
Tucker is a cultural phenomenon!! YEEEE-HAAAWW!! Lets all get Tucker Max drunk and act like douchebags!! Lets all speak with lilting valley-girl faggoty voices!! Because when you throw up on yourself, or shit yourself, or wake up with dog shit in your hair, that's not disgraceful, that's nothing to be ashamed of... it's COOL!!!
Nice damage control, Tuckernuts:
"If you are reading a draft that has a wrong name, I know the one you are reading (I'm the one who leaked it), and your assumption is wrong:
That draft has the pre-Zuckerman story arc. It's nothing at all like the story in the final script. There are maybe even 3 or 4 scenes that are like whats in the final movie, and thats it. Thats one of the drafts I leaked on purpose to throw people off. Some of the ones I've seen are basically the right draft, but very few. The majority are the old ones I leaked on purpose."
If you are reading a draft that has a wrong name, I know the one you are reading (I'm the one who leaked it), and your assumption is wrong:
That draft has the pre-Zuckerman story arc. It's nothing at all like the story in the final script. There are maybe even 3 or 4 scenes that are like whats in the final movie, and thats it. Thats one of the drafts I leaked on purpose to throw people off. Some of the ones I've seen are basically the right draft, but very few. The majority are the old ones I leaked on purpose.
NO YOU DIDN'T. LIAR.
IT'S ALL ABOUT HONESTY.
delusional tucker has really come out in this thread. there's no way 3-4 million people have read his shitty book.
oh, and 5,000 (!) emails from military guys????? probably more like 50. how many guys read books and then email the author? some of his fans have added him as a friend on myspace and left the comment "DUDE YOUR BOOK RULZ!", but in tucker's mind that equals an email and he assumes some of them are in the service for sake of his argument.
Every time I think of Tucker proclaiming himself a "great" writer, I'm reminded of this quote from Harold Bloom...
"Obviously, it takes as much effort to achieve proficiency [in literature] as in music, or in visual art. But people think that if they just get excited enough, what comes out is poetry."
Pretty much sums it up. It's been said before, I'll repeat it, even if Tucker's movie succeedes, it means absolutely nothing about him as an artist. The term doesn't even apply to somebody like Tucker, whose work is so morally and intellectually bankrupt that it's closer on the spectrum to pornography than actual literature. I've seen little evidence of some massive Tucker fanbase out there, maybe two people I've run in to have even heard of him.
There's no question in the age of Family Guy and Dane Cook selling out stadiums that our culture has been dumbed-down significantly (the fact that Tucker graduated with honors from one of the better universities in the country speaks to that), but I really do hope that we haven't sunk so low as to glorify somebody so devoid of talent in addition to any redeeming qualities as a human being. I have no doubt that Tucker thinks he'll one day occupy a position as one of the great writers of the 21st century, and even the remote possibility of that coming to fruition is depressing beyond words.
^ man, waz wrong wit family guy??
this explains a lot:
http://erintyler.com/illustration9.html
by alienating all hollywood talent, tucker's movie will better capture his douchebaggery.
real writers/directors/actors might have obscured his douchebaggery, just by showing up to work on the project.
but look at gosse. and look at czurchy/bradford--not a man's man anywhere on the whole set. just douchebags unlimited.
but then, a tiny-handed, big-headed freak is gonna create entirety in his own image.
http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&q=tucker+max+douchebag&aq=f&oq=
hahaha!
Meet Connor X. eh's Tucker Squared, and doesn't afraid of anything:
http://progressiveboink.com/archive/connor.htm
“Just an average Connor X Tuesday night,” I thought as I double-dogged two broads from behind. Whoa. Hold on. Back up a minute. Rewind. Let’s start at the beginning.
I was chilling with my boys, watching “the game” and doing tequila shooters. No big whoop. Like I said, average Tuesday night. I was maybe thirty shots deep when my boy Shawn suggested we go down to the trendy new nightspot where all the vapid cunts and collar-popping asshats got together to try to bump uglies. So we all piled into the patented Connor-mobile (heh, of course I’m not drunk driving, officer…) and went to the spot.
Now bear in mind, I’ve got like seventy shots in my gut at this point, so I’m a little sloppy. But hey, I’m Connor X. The night’s just getting started.
We roll into the club and I just see this vast expanse of vapid cunts. One vapid cunt steps up to me and barks, “you’re kinda cute.” I look at my boys and just know. Countdown to destruction in five…four…three…two…I smirk and reply, “Yeah, I know. Now who ordered a doggie bag? ‘Cause we’ve got a genuine d-o-g on our hands!” Her lip quivered and then she pulled out a gun and shot her face off. Roasted. Toasted. And burnt to a crisp. I high-fived my boy Steve-o and walked to the bar.
I started pounding beer shots. I had probably eighty mugs of beer before the barkeep said, “Whoa, fella, I think you’ve had enough.” With a wide grin spreading across my beer-encrusted face, I told him, “Enough’s enough, ‘fella’.” He toppled backwards into the shelves of beer and booze and his head fell off. Score one for the Con-man.
I slammed about twenty more beerskis and…whoa. Let’s just say I was starting to feel it. “Let the games begin,” I told my boy Jakester.
I scoped out the room. “Jokers to the left of me; jokers to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with me, myself, and I,” I thought. I scoped out one broad and the veins in her rack were busting out of their seams. I sidled up to her. “Hey, I think there’s something wrong with my receipt.”
“Hm?” she asked inquisitively.
“Yeah,” I yeahed. “It doesn’t have your number on it.”
She laughed like a hyena and then laughed some more. I took this opportunity to pound a booze shot. I had her eating out of my hands, literally!
Just then a popped-collar assbasket walked up from literally out of nowhere. “Is this guy bothering you?” he asked the broad douchely.
“Not as much as your breath is bothering me, twathandle,” I deftly proclaimed. “Ladies and gentleman, boys and girls, say hello to the dog-faced boy. I don’t know whether to shake your hand or give you a pat on the muzzle.”
I knew I had another burn in me before I closed the casket on this one. I tore off his popped collar and threw it across the mighty Potomac , deftly proclaiming, “Fetch, Lassie.” He aged two hundred years right before my eyes before promptly decomposing, like that dude in the end of Last Crusade. I flashed my infamous “pwned” grin and with a twinkle in my eyes, turned on “the game.”
I told the broad my infamous “dirty knees” story and before long, she was literally eating out of my hands. “I think you should meet my friend,” she flirted in my direction.
“Game on,” I volleyed back.
Flash forward to two hours later and I’m sack-deep in some premium poon tang. The two broads are doing orgasms left and right. We’re getting it on so hard. Racks are bouncing everywhere. Clits stand at attention and then nut girl stuff all over the place. You name it, these broads and I did it. 69. Doggie style. Karma sutra. Just low-down, nasty sex stuff. If I told you, you wouldn’t even believe me. Let’s just say, do the words donkey punch ring a bell? We made sex for like three days (Viagra? Yeah, right! Meet Connor-agra!) and I was just nailing these broads. Racks, boobs…you name it, I nailed it. It reminded me of the time I got a blowjob while skydiving off the Eiffel Tower . But that’s a story for another day…
Then it hit me. These weren’t just broads; they were vapid cunts. I hastily busted my nut and shuffled them out the door. “Call me?” they said in unison. “In your dreams,” I shouted back, slamming the door in their vapid faces.
Suddenly, there was a knock at the door. It was my boy Chas. “We’re hitting the new hotspot nightplace; you wanna come with?” Without hesitation, I duded in the affirmative. We rolled out. Oh yeah, I was also totally drunk, having done lots of beer while slamming the sleazes. But not too drunk, because I have a very high tolerance (what can I say? When you “get your drink on” as much as Connor X, you’re bound to build up a tolerance). We rolled up to the hotplace nightspot. It looked new and shiny in the crisp autumn air.
I took my pants off and we went inside. The bouncer stopped me. “What do you think you’re doing, sir?” he meekly asked. “It’s the no-pants zone and I am the zonester,” I hurled back as I strolled in with nary a care in the world. He fell backwards in his bouncer chair and cracked his skull on the baseboard. Brain matter and spinal fluid leaked out in a gross way. I didn’t give a crap.
I scoped out the broad situation. Affirmatory. Broad at 10 o’clock . I sauntered up. “I’m Connor X. Spank you very much.” She melted like butter in my hands and was also literally eating out of them. After I shot the shit with her for a while, I said, “my place or yours?” She vapidly suggested mine and we got a cab and headed back to Connor X H.Q. for a night of romance. Or so I thought. On the cab ride over, the broad began:
“I know who you are. You’re that website guy who writes purportedly true, most assuredly emotionally stunted stories about your alleged sexual misadventures. You grossly exaggerate or entirely make up stories about yourself because you so desperately seek the fraternal approval that has been missing from your life ever since you graduated college and all your friends grew up, and you know that the internet is a vast wasteland of insecure, socially inept young men who have let years of timidness and rejection fester into a palpable misogyny that your tall tales can validate, and they will worship you accordingly.
“I have no doubt that you are the ‘asshole’ you claim to be, but not in the way you claim; your stories are a study in embellishment and l’esprit d’escalier. You go out with your friends and maybe call a woman fat behind her back, but then you go home and write down everything you wish you’d been clever enough to say. Even if I’m supposed to believe you consistently have the presence of mind to cut all your adversaries to the quick with your witty barbs, if you truly drink as much as you claim, there’s no way you’d remember all your little quips.
“And anyway, even if every one of your stories is true to the word, they just show a startling hatred towards women and an utter disregard for others. You write these stories about your borderline sociopathic tendencies, demonstrating an utter inability to relate to others on a basic human level, and you’re lauded for it by thousands of internet users with a similar lack of empathy. It’s as though you’re autistic, except your inability to understand others as human beings with wants and needs just like yourself extends to a kind of malice that would never occur to someone with autism.
“You’re a sick joke. A little boy. But what’s scary is that your hostility and outright lack of any sense of connection with your fellow human beings, whether truly actualized in your supposedly factual stories or not, is something that a large sector of internet males who are similarly alienated from the rest of humanity admire and seek to emulate. You are a cancer and the world would be better off without you.”
“…”
Then we bootiefucked.
This is self-deception on a massive scale. It's fascinating to watch, as well as being an object lesson in the importance of never believing your own bullshit.
Where exactly is this "large-scale cultural phenomenon"? Because you would expect evidence of such a thing to surface online - in fansites or excited blog chatter. It's just not there. Meanwhile traffic to Tucker's website - the supposed hub of this fervour for all things IHTSBIH-related - is shrinking.
Anonymous said...
Tucker is a cultural phenomenon!! YEEEE-HAAAWW!! Lets all get Tucker Max drunk and act like douchebags!! Lets all speak with lilting valley-girl faggoty voices!! Because when you throw up on yourself, or shit yourself, or wake up with dog shit in your hair, that's not disgraceful, that's nothing to be ashamed of... it's COOL!!!
11/18/2008 10:11 PM
Lots of exclamation marks = sad inside
it's funny how tucker has one fansite--his own.
twilight has hundreds if not thousands.
vanilla ice has more fan sites than tucker the douchebag:
http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&safe=off&q=vanilla+ice+fan+sites
I've always wanted to do a "pretend" Tucker story on my blogspot, but that Conor X take-off hits the nail on the head so well that I know mine would not compare.
It's actually quite fun to read the latest IHTSBIH stories as Tucker's descent into narcissistic madness continues. I can't wait to see the deranged shit he posts when the movie flops.
The sad part is that people will still eat up the blatant lies he tells. Even though he said months ago that he didn't leak the film script all the followers will take him at his word now that he has some complex plan that involved leaking shitty scripts of his film. Retards..
are tied
together behind her back, and he is holding them and spanking
her, like a jockey. A lamp is in pieces on the floor, clothes
are strewn around the apartment. They have their backs to the
door and her screams are so loud they don’t hear the cops.
COP 1
STOP! Get your hands up and move
away from the woman!
COP 1 tackles the guy, he screams in shock. COP 2 pulls the
girl away and wraps his coat over her naked body.
COP 2
Are you ok, Miss?
She grunts and tries moving her hands but can’t because they
are tied up. COP 2 unties her, ANGLE ON COP 1, his knee in
the back of the guy, cuffing him.
TUCKER
I have money in my wallet, just
take it!!
COP 1
This is the police, shut up and
stop resisting.
TUCKER
WHAT!? Why are you hand-cuffing me?
COP 1
Shut up! Stop resisting!
The cop secures the cuffs and takes out his Tazer.
TUCKER
What is going on?!? Why are you
arresting me?!?
COP 1
Shut up. This is your last warning.
He points the tazer at Tucker, who looks up in shock.
TUCKER
DON’T TAZE ME, BRO!!!
COP 2 comes over tentatively and taps on COP 1’s shoulder.
COP 2
Uh...hey Partner, you might want to
take a look at this.
COP 1 turns to see the girl, the policeman’s jacket barely
covering her, furiously signing at him and making the grunty
noises deaf people make when they try to talk.
COP 2 (CONT’D)
She’s deaf.
COP 1
She’s what?
2.
The deaf girl gets in COP 1’s face and signs, exaggeratedly,
while also speaking in an unmodulated voice of a deaf person.
DEAF GIRL
I! AM! DEAF!
The expression on COP 1’s face goes from intense to confused.
COP 2
We don't have a crime. She says the
sex was consensual.
DEAF GIRL
He wasn’t raping me, he was fucking
me. You know, fucking!
She points her finger at her crotch, moving her hips back and
forth. The three of them stand there for a beat.
TUCKER
Now that we have that cleared up,
you two think you could leave?
DEAF GIRL
I was about to cum!
Screen goes to black, and the masthead appears:
I HOPE THEY SERVE BEER IN HELL
Opening credits roll as...
4 EXT. LAW SCHOOL - DAY 4
TUCKER, 24, handsome and self-possessed, pulls his car into
the parking lot, and gives the Guy Head Nod to a familiar
passer-by as he strides coolly into the law school.
TUCKER *
Ever fuck a deaf chick? Of course *
you haven’t. *
5 INT. LAW SCHOOL LIBRARY - CONTINUOUS 5
In the common area of the law library, a mixed group is
sitting around bullshitting instead of studying.
FRIEND #1
(a girl) *
I still can’t believe you’re
getting married, Dan.
3.
FRIEND #2
I can’t believe she said yes.
The group laughs as we ANGLE on DAN, 24, a thick-necked, exhigh
school athlete no one has ever accused of being a nerd.
DAN
Shit, man, I’m starting to regret
that she didn’t say no. This
wedding planning stuff is nuts. I *
spent all night looking through *
wedding magazines and books of *
white flowers. Just white. *
FRIEND #2 *
Jesus. I hope I never have to get
married.
ANGLE ON Tucker entering the library.
DAN *
With your face, I think you’re *
safe. *
Tucker stands behind Dan with a smile waiting for Dan to
notice him while the friends at the table gawk at Dan. *
DAN (CONT'D)
What?
TUCKER
Raise your hand if you’ve ever
fucked a deaf girl.
A beat. Dan whips around as Tucker smiles deviously and *
slowly raises his hand. The group bursts into hysterics.
GROUP
Bullshit!
No way.
Deaf girls are hot.
Lies.
Can you hear me now? *
DAN
You had sex with a deaf chick? *
TUCKER
You’re deaf too now? *
Tucker starts mock-signing.
4.
TUCKER (CONT'D)
(in a mongoloid voice)
Yes, Dan, I had sex with a deaf
girl. *
DAN *
Didn’t you hook up with a mute girl *
last semester? You’re 2/3 of the *
way to a Helen Keller. *
6 INT. LAW SCHOOL CLASSROOM - A LITTLE LATER 6
Dan and Tucker are next to each other in an auditorium style
class. Everyone has laptops open in front of them.
TUCKER
I almost shit myself when those
cops busted in. I thought she set
me up or something.
DAN
Bad boys, bad boys, whatcha gonna
do, whatcha gonna do when you’re
fucking a deaf girl and the cops
come for you?
The professor is perturbed with the talking in the back.
PROFESSOR
Mr. Max. What is your take on this
issue?
TUCKER
I’m sorry, what issue is that?
PROFESSOR
Are you not paying attention Mr.
Max?
TUCKER
I wasn’t, I apologize, I was busy
talking about having sex with a
deaf girl.
The class laughs.
PROFESSOR
Charming...and oddly appropriate.
Do you or do you not feel that
Little People should be a protected
class?
5.
TUCKER
You mean midgets?
PROFESSOR
Yes, Mr. Max, if you must, midgets.
Do you think they should be
protected?
TUCKER
What are we protecting them from,
eagles and poachers and stuff? Like *
an endangered species?
The class erupts again.
DAN
Poachers?
TUCKER
It could happen. You know if Kanye
showed up to a club in a midget
stoll, they’d be extinct in a week.
PROFESSOR
Mr. Max if you didn’t do the
reading, then...
TUCKER
No, I don't think midgets should be
considered a protected class for
the purposes of employment
discrimination law. I think their
physical limitations put them
squarely within the business
necessity and reasonable
accommodation defenses of the
Americans with Disabilities Act.
PROFESSOR
Where do you draw the line then?
TUCKER
I’m not sure. I figure it’s like
riding a roller coaster. You must
be this high to get ADA protection.
Tucker puts his hand at chest level and the class laughs.
PROFESSOR
Very funny, Mr. Max. What if I told
you that I just finished a pro bono
case involving a gentleman's club
that terminated the employment of a
dancer with dwarfism because she--
6.
Tucker lurches forward in his seat.
TUCKER
You represented a midget stripper?
PROFESSOR
They prefer the term ‘Little
Person’.
TUCKER
Was she fired?
PROFESSOR
No, they gave her her job back.
Tucker has that mischievous twinkle in his eye.
TUCKER
What club was it?
PROFESSOR
Mr. Max, if you’re genuinely
interested in the case, come to
office hours and I’ll fill you in.
Until then let’s remember this is a
constitutional law class, not Adult
Friend Finder.
TUCKER
Touche! I will shut up now.
Aside to Dan, as Professor drones on about the case.
TUCKER (CONT’D)
So, you ready for your bachelor
party tonight?
DAN
Locked and loaded.
TUCKER
I’m gonna go get Drew, meet us at
the campus bar after class.
Tucker closes his laptop as we go to black.
7 INT. DREW’S APT. - MINUTES LATER 7
The apartment is dark and spartan. Drew is slouched down in
the room’s only chair, in front of a meticulously organized
media center, playing a Grand Theft Auto-style game.
7.
Drew is 24, tall and lanky with angular features. He’s neat,
almost finicky about his appearance, but underneath, he’s a
maladjusted, beaten down Star Trek nerd. He’s got a headset
on that is connected to his controller.
DREW
I’m going down the alley to beat up
the hooker. Watch my six.
Drew’s phone rings. He puts his Bluetooth in his other ear.
In SPLIT SCREEN, Tucker barrels through city traffic. Drew’s
his digital doppelganger; running down pedestrians on screen
as Tucker sends them running for cover in real life.
TUCKER
Yo, Drew. It’s Tucker.
Drew flips out and hits the video game controller furiously.
DREW
What the hell is going on!?
Drew’s car is getting shot up from behind.
TUCKER
I’m coming to get you, we’re going
drinking.
Drew’s character dies on the screen.
DREW
What the hell!? YOU SUCK!!
TUCKER
What?
DREW
Is this your idea of having my
back?!
TUCKER
This is a great idea! I need a
drink and you need some daylight.
DREW
What kind of wingman are you, you
selfish little shit-for-brains?!
8.
(MORE)
I should come over to your house,
cut off your stubby virgin hands
and beat you to death with them,
HotWheelz!
9 INT. DREW’S APT. - CONTINUOUS 9 *
Drew rips off both headsets, hurls his controller, and
storms into the kitchen. *
10 EXT. STREET/INT. TUCKER’S CAR 10
Tucker pulls up to the curb in front of Drew’ building. *
11 INT. DREW’S KITCHEN - MOMENTS LATER 11
Drew is standing against the counter eating cereal.
DREW
Ahhhh, Captain Crunch. My old
friend.
(baby talk)
You wouldn't leave me hanging in an
alley full of hookers. I’m not
gonna catch you in the cupboard
sucking off Toucan Sam. Noooo, you
have integ-wuh-tee and disci-pwin.
12 EXT. DREW’S APARTMENT - SIMULTANEOUS 12
A chair with “HERS” stenciled on the back and an over-flowing
box sit outside. “HERS” has been crossed out and “WHORES”
written in Sharpie underneath. “WHORE’S BELONGINGS” is
scrawled on the top of the box. Tucker opens the lid.
Something is written on the inside.
TUCKER
(reading, but to himself)
Take whatever you want, her box is
apparently open to all.
Tucker sifts through the box: Han Solo and Princess Leia
figurines with their kung-fu grip hands melted together,
women’s clothes, pictures of a blissful Drew and a striking,
but disinterested, brunette. The box is peppered with unused
tampons that have been snapped in half.
9.
DREW (CONT'D)
13 INT. DREW’S APT. - CONTINUOUS 13
Tucker barges in without knocking and opens all the drapes; *
flooding the dark, depressive sanctuary of pain with light. *
TUCKER
Look at this place. It’s a shrine
to cuckoldry and rage.
Drew plops down in his chair. The back has “HIS” stenciled
into it, matching the “HERS” outside.
TUCKER (CONT'D)
You ready?
DREW
What are you babbling about?
TUCKER
We’re going to the bar. I just told
you on the phone.
DREW
I don’t pay attention to what you
say. I just wait for you to stop
talking about yourself, get bored,
and hang up.
DREW stares blankly ahead at the television.
TUCKER
Did Sarah call yet?
Tucker goes into the kitchen to get himself a chair and grabs
two beers from the fridge.
DREW
No. She probably has trouble
talking with a dick in her mouth.
Tucker sets the chair down, grabs the remote, and stops on
the opening credits of Jem & the Holograms.
TUCKER
This cartoon is disturbingly hot.
Can you imagine a threesome with
Jem and Jerrica?
DREW
I can imagine them both cheating on
me.
10.
TUCKER
Jerrica runs a foster home. She
wouldn’t cheat.
DREW
She voluntarily surrounds herself
with shattered little lives so her
dysfunctional existence feels more
normal. You think she wouldn’t pull
her cartoon panties to the side for
the first guy who tells her she’s
pretty?
Drew waits in vain for Tucker to respond.
DREW (CONT'D)
Of course she would. They all
would. Even the foster kids, those
validation seeking little sluts.
Click. Tucker changes the channel, a DeBeers commercial.
Drew lurches forward jabbing his finger at the television.
DREW (CONT'D)
I'm onto your game DeBeers--
diamonds are almost worthless other
than the value attached to them by
the silly tramps you've brainwashed
into thinking “diamond equals
love.” Guess what sluts, your quest
for the perfect princess cut is
supporting terrorism and genocide.
Congratulations, your avarice has
managed to destroy an entire
continent!
TUCKER
Sarah kept the ring?
DREW
I hope you die in a fire.
TUCKER
You act like you’re the first
person in the world to get cheated
on. It happens to everyone, dude,
even me.
DREW
Oh, really? Does everyone catch
their fiancee sucking off a rapper?
11.
14 INT. SARAH’S APARTMENT - FLASHBACK - TWO WEEKS AGO 14
Drew lets himself in with keys attached to an old, tattered
Duke GI Joe keychain. He’s carrying a box of Earl Grey tea
and a bag of throat lozenges.
DREW
Hey honey, how are you doing?
Sarah is vigorously pumping her head in the crotch of
Grillionaire, an iced-out white rapper. He’s sloppily eating
a sandwich and using the remote when he spots Drew.
GRILLIONAIRE
WHAT IT DO BABY! GRILLIONAIRE IN DA
HOUSE!!
SARAH jerks up and turns panicked to see Drew just as he
slams the front door behind him.
15 INT. DREW’S LIVING ROOM - BACK TO CURRENT SCENE 15
TUCKER
Hey, who knew blowjobs were good *
for sore throats, right? *
DREW
The most rewarding part of our
friendship is your ability to find
personal amusement in the
destruction of my life.
TUCKER
It’s not that bad, dude. You always
get stuck in these cycles. When you
get depressed like this, you need
to ask yourself What would Tucker
do?, and then go do that.
DREW
I already know what you would do,
and I have no desire to get HIV
from one of the cum dumpsters into
whom you shoot your emotional pain
every weekend.
TUCKER
You know HIV is basically curable
now. It doesn’t even show up in
Magic Johnson’s blood anymore.
12.
DREW
You’re telling me that Magic
Johnson is black AND has AIDS...and
he has it better than me?
16 INT. CAMPUS BAR - AN HOUR LATER 16
Campus Bar is part sports bar, part dingy hook-up dungeon.
Tucker is flirting aggressively with Leslie, a gorgeous co-ed
waitress. Drew, disgusted, is staring off at the TV.
LESLIE
I love kids. When I graduate I want
to work with children, and have a
bunch of my own. What about you?
TUCKER
Are you kidding, I love kids too. I
can’t wait to have more.
LESLIE
(shocked)
You have kids?
TUCKER
No, I’m just playing.
DREW
He does, they’re just all in the
compost heap behind Planned
Parenthood.
Leslie doesn’t know whether to be creeped out or disgusted.
TUCKER
(boyishly charming)
If you do stem cell research, you
could work with them.
She tries not to laugh, but can’t help herself. Dan breezes
in and sidles up. Tucker swats Leslie on the ass.
TUCKER (CONT’D)
Run along baby, man talk. I have
your number, I’ll call you.
Leslie walks away, clearly smitten. Drew shakes his head.
DREW
Who says romance is dead?
13.
DAN
How can you be angry at women, yet
at the same time, be mad at the
things Tucker does?
DREW
I’m like a feminist; I can assert
multiple contradictory positions.
Tucker scoffs. The bartender was eavesdropping and breaks in.
CAMPUS BARTENDER
(to Tucker)
Hey, listen bro, can you do me a
favor and not talk to my server
like that? It’s disrespectful.
TUCKER
Excuse me?
CAMPUS BARTENDER
I think you heard me.
TUCKER
Oh, I heard you, Hero. You don’t
want me flirting with your server.
I didn’t know she belonged to you.
I thought she was an individual
with free will?
CAMPUS BARTENDER
It’s a figure of speech, bro.
TUCKER
Well, BRO, here’s another figure of
speech for you: Mind your own
fucking business. I’m sorry I’ve
accomplished more in 30 minutes
with Leslie than you have in two
years, but she looked pretty happy
talking to me. Or maybe she rubs
her crotch against all the
customers.
CAMPUS BARTENDER *
I think it might be time for you to *
leave.
TUCKER
Or maybe it’s just time for you to
get me another drink.
Tucker waves his empty glass. *
14.
CAMPUS BARTENDER *
I don’t think so. *
Leslie passes by with a full drink tray. Tucker makes eye *
contact and motions her over, pulling her into him with his *
arm around her waist. He plucks a beer from her tray. *
TUCKER *
Hey sweetie, just put this on my *
tab, okay. *
Tucker disarms her with charm and she gives it up easily. The *
bartender sees this transpire and seethes. *
LESLIE *
(to Campus Bartender) *
Sam, could you get me another beer *
for table six? *
The bartender lifts the bar door and postures up. Dan slides *
in behind Tucker, who turns away unconcerned.
DAN
(calmly but assertively)
I will have what he’s having. Thank
you.
Dan locks eyes intimidatingly with the bartender who
considers his options and relents.
TUCKER
Listen, I know everything is set
for tonight, but I think we should
discuss a potential change in venue
for your bachelor party.
DREW
Oh, this should be good.
TUCKER
The strip club we’re supposed to go
to sucks. It’s dirty and decrepit
and the girls that don’t have
stretch marks have personalities
like the worst parts of the Bible.
DREW
Personalities? We have to talk to
them?
TUCKER
Some of us actually enjoy the
company of women, Drew.
15.
DREW
Yeah, I’m the misogynist here.
TUCKER
It wouldn’t be so bad if Durham
hadn’t passed that ridiculous ‘no
touch’ ordinance. All we can do is
sit at a table and look at them.
DAN
I thought you said they were
disgusting. Why would we want to
touch them?
TUCKER
What do you want to do Dan, play
checkers? This is a fucking
BACHELOR PARTY.
DAN
Well, what did you have in mind?
TUCKER
A short two hour drive away is a
strip club called Baby Dolls. I’m
sorry. Let me back up. This isn’t
just some strip club. This is the
Super Bowl of carnal pleasure.
DREW
We’ve been to strip clubs before.
TUCKER
Not like this one, dude. The first
time I got a lap dance there, the
stripper grabbed my hands and put
them on her tits. The second dance,
she turned around and basically dry
humped me the entire time. She was
gorgeous and wasn't even close to
being the best one there.
DREW
I used to think there was a bright
line between a gentleman's club and
a brothel. Now you're telling me
it's just gray.
DAN
You can full-on grab their breasts
and they don’t care?
16.
TUCKER
They encourage it.
DREW
I bet they had good childhoods.
TUCKER
And the very best part: $5 cover,
$10 dances, $2 drinks. All. Night.
DREW
I’d rather fellate a hot curling
iron than drive 150 miles because
Tucker breast fed until he was
eight.
DAN
I can’t leave. Tomorrow we have a
bunch of meetings and stuff to take
care of. Seating chart and whatnot.
TUCKER
Seating chart?!
DREW
I’m sure Kristy can cut that
Gordian knot.
DAN
It’s not that simple.
TUCKER
Yes it is. It’s an LSAT logic game.
A table seats 8 people. Tucker must
sit next to a single woman with
large breasts. Drew must not sit
next to anyone with a vagina. No
one else matters. Boom, done.
DAN
The wedding is next weekend, man.
I’m not just going to leave Kristy
hanging because of some stupid notouch
policy. That’s your issue,
not mine.
17.
TUCKER
We’ll be back tomorrow afternoon.
Look dude, if we stay in Durham, we
can’t have the experience we need
to make up for that abomination of
an engagement party you had with
Kristy’s family.
17 INT. SOUTHERN BAPTIST CHURCH - BASEMENT - FLASHBACK 17
Nicely-dressed people sit around folding tables in a basement
Sunday School room. A sign taped to a wall: “CONGRATULATIONS
DAN AND KRISTY! MAY JESUS BLESS YOUR HOLY MATRIMONY!”
Dan’s at a table between Kristy’s father, Mr. Jorgens and
Kristy’s brothers. They have that foppish swoop of hair
hanging down over their brows like young Southern men you
want to punch in the head.
MR. JORGENS
I’m glad you’re having a good time,
son. I was worried those godless,
usurious law school friends of
yours might lead you astray.
DAN
No, sir.
MR. JORGENS
I’m sure they would rather be out
drankin’ and fornicatin’.
DAN
Probably, sir.
ANGLE ON Mrs. Jorgens, Kristy’s mother, leading bible bingo.
Like every white woman under sixty in Texas, she has dyedyellow
hair and make-up applied with a shotgun. She’s petite
but looks scary intense.
MRS. JORGENS
I-6. Isaiah One Six.
ANGLE ON Dan as his cell phone rings.
DAN
It’s Career Services from law
school, probably about a job
interview. Hello?
ANGLE ON Tucker, Drew and Kristy at a table in the back of
the room. Tucker has the phone tilted out so they can hear.
18.
TUCKER
Having a great time back here. This
is definitely better than getting
drunk with strippers.
ANGLE ON Mrs. Jorgens.
MRS. JORGENS
From the sole of your foot to the
top of your head there is no
soundness– only wounds and welts
and open sores. Hugh, honey, who
does that sound like?
ANGLE ON Dan as Mr. Jorgens talks to his sons sitting next
to Dan.
DAN
Tomorrow morning? Sure I can make
that.
MR. JORGENS
Of course that’s who Isaiah’s
talking about. The open sores are
from having their horns and tails
cut off so they can blend in with
the humans.
SPLIT SCREEN with Dan and Tucker, Drew and Kristy.
TUCKER
Hey Dan, does Daddy know his
little girl likes anal?
KRISTY
Tucker! Shut up! My mom has hearing
like a vampire bat.
DAN
I’m not in a position to answer
that at this time.
TUCKER
Fuck it. I think I’m just going to
order some strippers.
DREW
Make them papists and have them
give us communion. It’ll set this
congregation ablaze!
19.
18 INT. CAMPUS BAR - AFTERNOON - BACK TO CURRENT SCENE 18
DAN
I don’t know, man.
TUCKER
Dan, you know you’re my boy, but I
have to be honest. If you keep
acting like a bitch, someone’s
gonna fuck that pussy in your face.
Jesus Christ dude, this is IT! This
is our last gasp together as single
men!
DAN
Yeah, I guess.
TUCKER
And what about Drew!?
DREW
Don’t drag me into this. There’s a
Next Generation marathon this
weekend. I am just fine lusting
after Deanna Troy and stewing in my
cocoon of loneliness and anger.
TUCKER
He hasn’t been out of the house
since his girl tore out his heart
and stomped it with bling shoes!
Drew needs this!
DAN
You do need this.
DREW
I need this like I need hepatitis
C.
TUCKER
You need this! WE ALL NEED THIS!!
IT’S OUR DESTINY AS MEN!!
DAN
Yeah, you’re right man! I’m in.
Fuck yes! Let’s go!
They walk out as Tucker pays his tab to the bartender.
20.
TUCKER
Oh by the way, BRO, make sure to
tell Leslie that I’m an asshole and
that she should stay away. It’ll
only help me.
INT. TUCKER’S 19 CAR - DAY - AT CURB - MINUTES LATER 19 *
At the curb in front of Dan’s apartment complex, Dan in the *
driver’s seat, Tucker and Drew in the back. *
TUCKER
You are an integral part of this
trip, dude, and you’ve earned it.
So put your fucking game face on!
DAN
Let’s do this!
Dan bolts from the car and bounds toward his apartment.
DREW
He’s going to fail worse than a
Friends spin-off.
20 INT. DAN'S APARTMENT - AFTERNOON - MOMENTS LATER 20
A wedding bomb has gone off. Kristy is flipping through "The
Wedding Binder." She's in sweats and her hair's a ratty mess.
Dan kisses her and nuzzles his head against her neck.
KRISTY
Guess who just called. My mom.
DAN
What’s wrong, did another dinosaur
fossil test her faith?
KRISTY
She’s coming into town early to
help out. Isn’t that nice of her?
Kristy strains a smile.
DAN
How early?
A beat.
KRISTY
Tomorrow.
21.
DAN
Tomorrow?! You know she's only
coming early so she can take
control of everything.
KRISTY
No she’s not. Quit being dramatic.
DAN
If she has her way the reception
will be a potluck in a barn.
KRISTY
She’s pious and conservative, Dan,
not Pennsylvania Dutch!
DAN
We'll probably have to churn our
own butter for the dinner rolls!
KRISTY
My parents are paying for the
wedding. My mom’s entitled to have
some input. What did you want me to
say to her? Don’t come?
DAN
That would be a start. I’ll be
goddamned if I let her ruin our
wedding. It’s my day too, ya know!
KRISTY
Calm down, Groomzilla!
DAN
Don't Groomzilla me! Those squirrel
hunters wouldn't know a good time
if it jumped out of the Bible and
landed on the front lawn of their
megachurch!
Dan stomps down the hall to the bedroom, Kristy in tow.
21 INT. DAN AND KRISTY'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS 21
The room is well-appointed with a strong feminine touch. Dan
yanks a gym bag from the closet, grabs some dirty jeans and
shirts off the back of a chair.
KRISTY
What are you doing?
22.
DAN
Packing.
KRISTY
For what?
DAN
I’m going to Charlotte with Tucker
and Drew for my bachelor party.
KRISTY
I thought you were staying in town.
DAN
Change of plans. Tucker knows about
a great strip club down there.
KRISTY
Good for Tucker, I hope he has a
great time.
DAN
You know I can’t let him go off by
himself. That’s when the really bad
stuff happens. He needs me to have
his back.
KRISTY
Who’s got your back? Drew?
DAN
Tucker’s got my back.
KRISTY
Tucker says he’s got your back.
Except you’re always the one
bailing him out. I wish you took
care of me as well as you take care
of Tucker.
DAN
That’s a bunch of crap! I always
look out for you. You’re my number
one priority.
KRISTY
Really? When have I taken
precedence? When have you chosen me
over Tucker? Give me an example.
Just one.
DAN
I’m marrying you aren’t I?
23.
Kristy looks incredulously at Dan. He tries to salvage some
credibility before it’s too late.
DAN (CONT'D)
You just don’t want me going to a
strip club with Tucker.
KRISTY
Honey, you know I’m cool with you
going to a strip club. If we didn’t
have so much to do, I’d go with
you. But we have all the final
appointments this weekend. You need
to be there.
DAN
Why do I even need to go now? It’s
going to be two against one the
whole time anyway.
KRISTY
That’s not true. Your input is
important.
DAN
I didn’t get a say when the Locust *
Queen decided to swarm in early. *
Why should this be any different?
KRISTY
So instead you’re going to pout and
play babysitter to Tucker? Again.
22 INT. TUCKER’S CAR - CURBSIDE - SIMULTANEOUS 22
Tucker and Drew are still parked at the curb.
TUCKER
What’s taking him long?
DREW
He’s talking to a woman. Anything
is possible.
TUCKER
Should I go help?
DREW
There is a zero percent chance that
injecting you into this situation
will make it better.
24.
TUCKER
I’m going in.
Tucker bursts from the car and jogs toward Dan’s place.
DREW
(shouting out the window)
Bring me back a Gatorade!
23 INT. DAN’S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS 23
DAN
COMPROMISE!? That's all I've been
doing! Your dad didn't want a
bachelor party with strippers and
booze, so I said fine, we'll do an
engagement party at the church. I
want a beach ceremony?
(imitating Mrs. Jorgens)
No sir, we're having it in church
under the watchful eye of the Lord.
(in his normal voice)
and I said okay. I want a bouncy
castle at the reception?
(imitating Mrs. Jorgens)
Bouncy castles are childish and
dangerous. Grow up.
(in his normal voice)
So I gave in because I didn't want
to argue. It's just a stupid bouncy
castle. The only thing I've been
able to keep so far is the open
bar, and now she's probably going
to take that too and you aren’t
going to do a thing to stop her!
KRISTY
No one said you had to give in on
that stuff. Be a man and take a
stand if it’s important to you!
DAN
You want me to be a man and take a
stand? Here it is: I’m going to
Charlotte with Tucker and I don’t
give a fuck what you or the Wicked
Witch of West Texas think about it!
Tucker walks in without knocking.
TUCKER
What’s up guys?
25.
Kristy tries to put on her “Everything is fine” face.
KRISTY
So what’s this I hear about you
taking Dan for the weekend?
TUCKER
Well, Durham passed this stupid notouch
rule. I figure since the
ladies can’t seem to keep their
hands off me, it’d be irresponsible
for me to go to clubs around here.
KRISTY
How thoughtful of you.
TUCKER
You don’t mind do you? I’m not
stepping on any toes, am I?
Kristy gives him that “well...actually” look.
KRISTY
It’s just we have all the final
wedding appointments tomorrow and--
TUCKER
Oh no. Dan didn’t say anything
about that. Why didn’t you tell me,
dude? That’s not cool. It’s your
wedding, man.
Dan is wide-eyed at Tucker in frustration and anger.
TUCKER (CONT'D)
We’ll just go out in town. We can
do Charlotte after your honeymoon.
A beat.
TUCKER (CONT'D)
Kristy, that way you can come too.
KRISTY
Sure, that sounds like fun
actually.
Tucker grabs Dan’s duffel from him and gives it to Kristy.
TUCKER
(to Kristy)
He doesn’t need this anymore.
(to Dan)
You ready, dude?
26.
Dan nods.
TUCKER (CONT'D)
I’ll have him back by the morning.
And Kristy, you look hot as always.
Tucker gives Kristy a hug. She shakes her head, smiling.
KRISTY
(in light-hearted jest)
You are completely full of shit.
Take care of my Dan.
TUCKER
Always.
24 EXT. DAN’S APARTMENT BUILDING - MOMENTS LATER 24
Tucker and Dan walk toward the car parked at the curb.
TUCKER
Charlotte, here we come.
DAN
What?
TUCKER
Come on dude, do you really think
it’s possible to keep me from
something I want?
They reach the car and open their doors to get it.
TUCKER (CONT'D)
The more important question is, ARE
YOU READY TO GET SHIT-FACED AND
GRAB SOME TITTIES!?!
Tucker gets in and tries to hi-five Drew who ignores him.
25 EXT./INT. TUCKER’S CAR - FREEWAY - AN HOUR LATER 25
Tucker’s ebullient. Dan has a searching, purposeful stare.
Drew looks bitter and disaffected.
DREW
We need to stop for food. My blood
sugar is getting low.
DAN
Here’s what I don’t get: why did
you lie to her?
27.
(MORE)
You know I hate lying to Kristy.
It’s not like I wasn’t gonna go
anyway.
Tucker fiddles with a GPS unit in the dash, browsing for
nearby food options.
TUCKER
Oh please. When I walked in you had
so much surrender in your eyes I
thought your apartment was Vichy
France.
They pass a sign for, among other things, McDonalds.
DREW
If I don’t get a McGriddle soon, I
am going to call the authorities
and have them arrest you both for
kidnapping and conspiracy.
TUCKER
I don’t know how you eat
McGriddles. They look disgusting.
DREW
I can only assume from your
cavalier attitude that you have yet
to partake of the wonderment that
is the McGriddle. Let me enlighten
you.
26 INT. MCDONALDS TASTER KITCHEN 26
People in white lab coats are putting chemicals on processed
breakfast foods. Everything is painted red and yellow.
DREW (V.O.)
What happens is the One True God
grows McGriddles on trees in the
Elysian Fields with a heretofore
unused incantation.
27 INT. TUCKER’S CAR - FREEWAY 27 *
DREW *
He then proceeds to magic them down
to your local eatery.
28.
DAN (CONT'D)
28 INT. MCDONALDS RESTAURANT KITCHEN 28
A wretched looking McDonalds employee hastily slaps a wrapper
on a McGriddle and fires it down the metal holding chute.
DREW (V.O.)
Where whatever societal reject
McDonalds has rescued off the dole
that week gently wraps them in
cellophane and passes them along to
you, the fortunate consumer.
29 INT. TUCKER’S CAR - CONTINUOUS 29
DREW
You proceed to ingest this finery
in the vain hope that your
obviously overmatched taste buds
can somehow grasp the delectable
intricacies that face them.
30 INT. MCDONALDS KITCHEN 30
A dirty fry cook pours some watery, yellow mixture into a
mold and tosses it in a microwave. He pulls a couple strips
of something from a box labeled “Fa-con” and slaps a slice of
pale, waxy “cheese” on top of it.
DREW (V.O.)
Is that egg? Why yes it is, and
bacon too. But wait--they didn't
add...yes they did, they did
indeed. They added cheese.
The fry cook dunks an english muffin into a giant open tub of
maple syrup. He pulls the english muffin out and accidentally
drops it on the floor. He quickly brushes off the larger
debris from the floor, and slaps the egg, cheese, and fa-cony
concoction between the two sides of the english muffin.
DREW (V.O.) (CONT'D)
And then, then my friend, they
wrapped it in a sumptuous pancake
bun! As your taste buds try to
process that amazing piece of
information...
29.
31 INT. TUCKER’S CAR 31
Drew, surrounded by McGriddle detritus in the backseat,
takes a large orgasmic bite from a sandwich that looks like
it was smushed into a ball and dropped into a lint trap.
DREW (V.O.)
It hits them. The syrup nugget. The
motherfucking syrup nugget!! It
announces itself with a burst of
confectionery grandiosity the likes
of which your palate has never
seen.
32 INT. TUCKER’S CAR - CONTINUOUS 32
TUCKER
So you like them?
DREW
Allow me to phrase it another way.
33 INT. TUCKER’S APARTMENT - DREAM SCENE 33
Drew is dressed like a ninja, with a McGriddle in one hand.
He sneaks up on Tucker and, in one fluid motion, whips the
wrapper off the McGriddle, crams it in Tucker’s mouth, places
the wrapper around his penis and humps Tucker from behind
before punching him violently at the base of his skull.
DREW (V.O.)
If you ever speak ill of the
McGriddle again I will personally
come to your home and force-feed
you one while I fuck you in the
butt with the wrapper as a condom
and then donkey punch you when the
infused syrup nugget explodes.
34 INT. TUCKER’S CAR - CONTINUOUS 34
TUCKER
You are so fucking weird.
Tucker veers onto a freeway off ramp with a tall McDonalds
sign looming up ahead.
30.
35 EXT. TUCKER’S CAR - CHARLOTTE, NC - EARLY EVENING 35
They drive through bar-lined downtown streets. Gorgeous women
in slutty clothes clog the sidewalks.
36 INT. TUCKER’S CAR 36
Heads on a swivel, Tucker rolls up the windows and child
locks them. McDonalds wrappers line the floor boards.
A beat.
DAN
Who farted?
TUCKER
I don’t sm--
DREW
Oh my God!
Tucker bursts into hysterics as both Drew and Dan futilely
hit the down buttons on their windows.
DREW (CONT’D)
What is wrong with you? It smells
like you got buttfucked by a
garbage truck.
TUCKER
Hey, McDonalds was your idea.
DREW
DO NOT DISPARAGE THE MCGRIDDLE!
DAN
Open the fucking window!
TUCKER
That’s some fermented ass juice
you’re smelling right there.
DREW
Where are my law books? This has to
count as a felony battery.
They come to a red light, he unlocks the windows, and they
stick their heads out like dogs. Tucker points to a trio of
overly made up Southern girls at the corner.
TUCKER
You guys have such weak
constitutions.
31.
(MORE)
I bet those girls over there
wouldn’t complain as much as you
two.
DREW
Of course they wouldn’t. They’re
hookers. They subject themselves to
anything for the right price.
TUCKER
Not every woman on the street is a
whore, dude. Watch, I’ll prove it.
Tucker leans out the window.
TUCKER (CONT’D)
Excuse me, Miss! How much for sex?
She is repulsed.
TUCKER (CONT’D)
See, she only fucks for free.
DAN
Tucker, where are we going? Where’s
the strip club?
TUCKER
Dude, it’s not even seven. The club *
doesn’t open til ten. Let’s get *
some drinks first. Pregame. *
DREW
Wonderful. Now I can hate all these *
people up close instead of
baselessly judging them from inside
this metal fart coffin.
37 EXT. TAVERN - EVENING - MINUTES LATER 37
TUCKER
This place is sweet. Last time I
was here it was wall to wall hot
girls.
38 INT. TAVERN - CONTINUOUS 38
The guys walk in and stop dead in their tracks. It’s dead
except for a shit-housed party of unattractive middle aged
women and bits of birthday cake strewn everywhere.
DAN
Yeah, this place is crawling with *
trim. Shame I’m taken.
32.
TUCKER (CONT'D)
DREW
It looks like Jenny Craig and Lane
Bryant had a knife fight in here.
A bouncer approaches them.
BOUNCER
Ten dollar cover tonight, guys.
TUCKER
Yeah right.
DREW
I will pay you ten dollars if we
can leave and pretend none of this
ever happened.
The bouncer softens a touch. *
BOUNCER *
Look dude, I wouldn’t be here *
either if I wasn’t getting paid. *
Just go to Whiskey Bar. Everyone’s *
there tonight. *
39 INT. WHISKEY BAR - EVENING - MINUTES LATER 39 *
The three walk into a crowded yuppie bar. It is the polar
opposite of the earlier place.
DAN
Much better. Now this is what I
call a target rich environment.
DREW
I agree. I want to shoot every
single one of these bitches.
TUCKER *
Alright fellas, we have a little *
over two hours until Baby Dolls
opens. Let's see if we can't get *
some girls to go with us. *
DREW *
You want to pick up sluts, and take *
them to go see whores? *
TUCKER
If things go well.
They walk up the bar and angle to get the bartender’s
attention. Drew nudges a fratty guy who’s talking to a girl.
33.
DREW *
Excuse me.
FRATTY
Yo, we were here first, bro.
DREW
So were the Indians. A lot of good
it did them.
FRATTY
What’d you call me?
TUCKER
He called you an idiot. *
FRATTY
Fuck you, dick.
Fratty sticks his finger in Tucker’s chest. Instead of
reacting to that, Tucker sees the girl Fratty was talking to.
TUCKER
Are you on a date with this guy?
She nods.
TUCKER (CONT’D)
Has he bragged about the kind of *
car he drives? Let me guess: a 3-
series. I bet he’s hinted at least
twice at how much money he makes.
Right?
She doesn’t say anything, which says everything.
TUCKER (CONT’D)
Awesome! How many times has he
mentioned that he works out? Did he
tell you about his gym and offer
you personal training? Don’t you
love $30,000 Millionaires?
DREW
(to Fratty)
Be honest: how many shirtless pics
do you have on your Myspace page?
A beat. The sorostitute giggles at Fratty.
34.
TUCKER
It’s a lot harder to pick up women
when you have to offer something
besides frat letters and GHB, isn’t
it? I bet you even have one of
those stupid frat rat names, like
Chance or Reed.
FRATTY
My name is Logan!
Everyone laughs, even the sorostitute. Fratty is defeated.
TUCKER
Should’ve moved when you had the
chance, huh tough guy?
Fratty gets visibly angry and two-hand pushes Tucker in the *
chest. In a flash, Dan has Fratty in a rear naked choke and *
puts him out. Bouncers, who saw the whole thing transpire, *
come over and drag an unconscious Fratty away. *
TUCKER (CONT'D) *
(to the girl) *
There goes your ride. *
In the background the bartender sets up five pint glasses
half full with light beer in pyramid. He fills six shot
glasses with Amaretto and a Bacardi 151 float, and sets them
on the lips of the glasses. The bartender takes a huge swig
of Bacardi 151, puts a lighter up to his face, and blows a
massive fireball over the shot glasses. He hits one of the
shot glasses into the beer, starting a domino effect that
puts out the flames and fizzes up the beer in each glass. The
five bachelorette girls, Melissa, Christina, Amy, Ashley and
Mary, grab a glass and chug.
TUCKER (CONT'D)
What is that?
CHRISTINA
It’s called a Flaming Dr. Pepper
TUCKER
Do it again!
The bartender sets up three for the guys and they chug them.
TUCKER (CONT'D)
Holy shit! It tastes like Dr.
Pepper.
FLAMING BARTENDER
Hence the name.
35.
TUCKER
Do it again! Seven of them!
DREW
And with less sarcasm this time.
The bartender starts to set up the round. Tucker turns to the
bachelorette party.
TUCKER
OK, if this is a real bachelorette
party, who is the designated slut?
All the girls laugh except Mary.
MARY
Ugh! None of us are sluts!
TUCKER
That’s funny, normally the
designated cock-blocker is the fat
one.
The bartender sets up the shots for everyone.
TUCKER (CONT'D)
I think a toast is in order for my
buddy Dan, who is also getting
married, and to the bride to be and
all her beautiful friends. Even the
bitchy prude. *
He raises his glass.
TUCKER (CONT’D)
Here's to the people we've met, and
to the people we've fucked,
And to those amongst us who've had
no such luck.
Here's to beer in the glass, and
vodka in the cup,
Here's to pokin' her in the ass, so
she won't get knocked up.
Here's to all of you, and here's to
me,
Together as friends we'll always
be,
But if we should ever disagree,
Then FUCK ALL OF YOU, HERE'S TO ME!
Everyone drinks and cheers.
36.
TUCKER (CONT'D)
Alright, but for real, which is the
naughty one?
ANGLE ON Drew, next to Amy, a bubbly girl. She has a marker
and a “Hello, my porn name is” sticker. Her porn name is
“Bubbles State Route 17.”
AMY
What's your porn name?
DREW
Scott Peterson.
AMY
No no, not your real name. Here
I'll help you. What was your first
pet’s name?
DREW
I wasn’t allowed to have pets.
AMY
Okay let’s do it the other way
then: what’s your middle name?
DREW
Don't have one. Unless I missed it
between "Shut up" and “you’re
adopted” when I was a kid.
AMY
Well what street did you grow up
on?
DREW
I grew up in a cave.
AMY
Oh come on! Play along, it's fun.
Amy playfully nudges him.
DREW
If you touch me again, I will gut
you and grind you into pig slop.
Dan and Tucker come over with a beer for Drew as Amy bolts. *
TUCKER
Oh look, another girl who ran away
from you. Come on man, this night
is about you and Dan.
37.
(MORE)
Remember what we talked about in
your apartment? Instead of being a
cockblocking curmudgeon, stop and
ask yourself What Would Tucker Do?,
and then do that instead.
DREW
Fine...but we can’t both go after
the girl with the lowest self
esteem.
Melissa walks up semi-drunkenly and sidles up to Tucker. *
DREW (CONT'D) *
Speak of the devil. *
TUCKER *
You finally ready to hook up? Or do *
we need to do another shot first? *
MELISSA *
(drunkenly flirtatious) *
You talk a big game, Mr. Man, but *
you don't look like much of a *
drinker to me. *
Tucker turns around and looks behind him.
TUCKER
Who are you talking to? Because you
can't be talking to me like that.
You couldn't tie my drinking shoes.
MELISSA
Let’s do shots.
DAN
Isn’t she precious?
MELISSA *
We’ll do teams. *
TUCKER
Fine. Bachelor and hottest guy--me--
versus bachelorette and your
hottest friend.
Tucker scans the bachelorette party and points to a girl with
big fake tits and a naughty come hither look, Christina. She
smiles and comes over.
ASHLEY
Ugh. I think your friend is hotter
anyway.
38.
TUCKER (CONT'D)
She points to Drew.
TUCKER
Yeah? Go talk to him for five
minutes. Now let’s get down to
business. Line'em up. And no girly
shit either. If it has sugar in it,
it's not a real shot. *
DREW
Technically, all alcohol has sugar
in it.
TUCKER
Thank you, Mr. Wizard.
ANGLE on Drew standing at the bar next to an older lady who *
has a dog in her lap. *
OLDER LADY
I wish I were young again, and full
of piss and vinegar like you guys.
DREW
We're just full of alcohol and
McGriddles. You could do that.
OLDER LADY
Oh my! You are funny.
DREW
That's what my friends tell me, but
they’ll say anything to get laid.
Older Lady chuckles and looks down in her lap. Drew is
holding his beer down and the dog is drinking from it.
OLDER LADY
What are you doing?! Oh my
goodness, Pookie, are you OK?
DREW
Your dog has a drinking problem,
you might want to get her into
doggie AA.
OLDER LADY
Why did you give beer to Pookie?!
DREW
Pookie drank my beer. There is a
difference.
39.
ANGLE on the four shot contest participants; shots lined up *
in front of them. Melissa and Christina pick up theirs and *
toast.
CHRISTINA
Give me chastity and continence,
but not yet! Saint Augustine!
They laugh and cheer. Tucker and Dan kinda look at each
other and raise their next shots. *
DAN
To alcohol, the cause of and
solution to, all of life's
problems. Homer Simpson.
They pound the shot. ANGLE on Drew talking to Ashley. *
DREW
Dan, she doesn't think we went to
the same high school.
ASHLEY
He doesn't even know what the
mascot is.
DREW
I think you're the one who doesn't
know. You're just trying to use
reverse psychology to steal the
answer from me. I will not fall
victim to your chicanery.
ASHLEY
Psssssh, nuh-uh. You're totally
faking.
DAN
Here, we can settle this easy. *
Tucker thrusts a shot under Dan’s nose and he does it. *
DAN (CONT'D) *
Drew'll whisper his answer to me *
in this ear and you whisper your
answer in the other. I’ll tell you
if he’s faking.
Ashley seems to think this makes sense, and whispers into
Dan's ear. Drew leans in and Dan looks at him quizzically.
40.
DAN (CONT'D)
Hmmm. Unless the mascot is "I'm
going to knock this girl
unconscious and anally fist her," I
don't think he went to your school.
DREW *
Oh, I’m the cockblocker! *
ANGLE on Tucker talking to Christina.
TUCKER
So what’s up with the bitchy one,
Mary?
CHRISTINA
Ehh, you know how it is.
They do their shots as part of the ongoing contest. *
TUCKER
Yeah, it must suck to be that ugly. *
CHRISTINA
She’s not ugly!
TUCKER
Women are the worst at judging
their friends. Have you looked at
her face? Bums wouldn’t fuck her. *
ANGLE ON Ashley and Drew. A Grillionaire song comes on. The
video plays on the TV screens behind the bar.
ASHLEY
Oh boy, Grillionaire!
GRILLIONAIRE
I don’t touch no bills under
twenty, ho.
Cuz George Washington’s smell like
poverty, yo.
DREW
You like him?
ASHLEY
I love him! He’s so hot!
Ashley moves her hands impersonating Grillionaire.
ASHLEY (CONT’D)
WHAT IT DO BABY! GRILLIONAIRE IN DA
HOUSE!
41.
DREW
Get out of my face, or I will carve
another fuckhole into your torso.
Ashley looks at him wide-eyed and walks away.
DAN
Captain No Pussy strikes again!
ANGLE on the bar as four more shots appear. Tucker sniffs his *
and recoils. *
TUCKER *
I'm not doing tequila. That stuff *
is Special Olympics in a glass. *
Drew leans in and sniffs him. *
DREW *
I smell a pussy. *
Tucker glares at him and raises his shot glass. *
MELISSA *
I’m every woman, it’s all in me! *
Whitney Houston. *
DAN *
That’s actually a Chaka Khan song. *
They all look at Dan awkwardly. *
DAN (CONT'D) *
Well it is! *
They pound the shot. It’s Tucker’s turn. *
TUCKER *
This is for all you bitches, ho's *
and tricks, I wouldn't talk to any *
of you, if I didn't have a dick. *
Tucker Max. *
Dan and Tucker cheers and do their shots. *
MARY *
(snottily) *
Who is Tucker Max? *
Melissa and Christina do their shots and gag. *
MELISSA
OK, you guys win.
42.
TUCKER
Six shots? That’s it?! SIX SHOTS!? *
You may be able to vote and drive, *
but you’ll never be equal!!
MARY
Ugh, that is so misogynist.
TUCKER *
No it isn’t. If I said that women *
belong chained to the stove with *
just enough slack to reach the *
bedroom, that would be misogynist. *
MARY *
Excuse me? *
TUCKER *
What I said was sexist. And a *
fucking joke. Not that your spoiled *
pageant girl ass would know the *
difference. *
MARY *
Fine, you're sexist and misogynist. *
Good for you. *
DREW *
Tucker, you misogynist Neanderthal. *
Why do you hate women so much? *
TUCKER *
(nearly exasperated) *
I don't hate women. I love women! *
Why else would I put up with all *
their shit?! *
A beat. *
MARY *
You know what-- *
TUCKER *
I just don't like you as a person, *
because you’re a fucking bitch. And *
that has nothing to do with whether *
or not you have tits. *
Pindrop silence. A beat. Drew faux leans into Tucker. *
DREW
(exaggerated bar whisper)
Tucker, that’s not good game. *
43.
Mary looks at him like he’s a used condom. Melissa is
sincerely hurt.
MELISSA
You’re really mean.
MARY
Come on, let’s get out of here.
Dan pulls Mary and Melissa aside as they start to leave.
DAN
Hold on.
Dan follows Mary and Melissa as they make for the exit. *
Drew looks at Tucker and shakes his head. *
TUCKER *
What? I’m pretty sure it’s what *
Jesus would have said. *
ANGLE ON Dan near the door. He’s managed to pull the girls *
aside. *
DAN *
I’m sorry. You have to excuse my
friend, sometimes he doesn’t know
the line between witty banter and
hate speech. He’s got mommy issues.
MELISSA
What do you mean?
Dan does the thumb-and-pinky drinky drink gesture.
DAN
Mom was the life of the party.
40 INT. FAMILY HOME - FLASHBACK - 1990 40
Little Tucker is parked in front of a TV watching a soap
opera with his mother. She’s got a cigarette in one hand and
a giant goblet of chablis in the other. She’s hammered.
LITTLE TUCKER
Mommy, where do babies come from?
MOM
Go ask your deadbeat father and his
fancy new wife.
As she says “fancy” she juggles her hands over her breasts,
sloshing her wine and ashing her cigarette on the sofa.
44.
41 INT. BAR - BACK TO SCENE 41
DAN
He really is a good guy. He’s just
a little quick on the trigger.
MARY
(snottily)
He looks like a premature
ejaculator.
DAN
Well, he does have a fast car.
The joke at Tucker’s expense disarms the girls, who chuckle
as he comes over to see what the hold up is.
DAN (CONT'D)
Tell you what, come to the strip
club with us, and drinks are on
him.
MELISSA
That sounds like a plan. We’ll meet
you guys there.
TUCKER
(to Christina)
I know you’ll be there.
42 EXT. STREET - WHISKEY BAR - NIGHT - MOMENTS LATER 42
The three spill out onto the street.
TUCKER
Dan, call Information, find out *
where this club is. *
DAN
Don’t you know where it is?
TUCKER
No, why would I know that?
DREW
You said you did.
TUCKER
I said that?
DAN
YES! *
45.
TUCKER
Oh. Well, I can’t be held
accountable for the things that
come out of my mouth.
A homeless STREET MUSICIAN near them starts playing "Friends *
in Low Places" as Dan gets on the phone. Tucker puts his arm *
around him and joins in. *
TUCKER (CONT’D)
CAUUUUSE I GOT FRIENDS IN LOW
PLACES, WHERE THE WHISKEY DROWNS
AND DREW CHASES GIRLS AWAY...AND
DAN IS GAY.
The musician stops because Tucker screwed up the lyrics.
STREET MUSICIAN *
Those aren’t the words, man.
DREW *
We will not be contradicted by a *
man who works out of a hat. *
STREET MUSICIAN *
Hey man, do you like, have any
change man?
DREW
Tell you what, I’ll give you all my
change if you give me that can of
beer in your pocket.
Dan approaches frustrated, with the phone to his ear as the *
street musician hands the beer to Drew. *
STREET MUSICIAN *
OK, man. Here you go. *
DREW *
Unfortunately, I don't have any *
change, but thanks for the beer. *
DAN *
(hand over mouthpiece) *
Hey, do you know where this fucking *
club is? Baby Dolls. *
STREET MUSICIAN *
Yeah man, get my beer back and I’ll *
tell you. It’s all I had, man. *
That’s my dinner. *
He motions toward Drew as Dan snaps his phone shut. *
46.
DAN *
Drew. Give it back. There’s beer *
at the club. It’s cold, even. *
Drew hesitates, holding the can of beer triumphantly. *
DREW *
I’m not gonna drink it. It’s *
symbolic of my victory over him. *
TUCKER *
He’s a homeless street musician! He *
already lost. *
DREW *
And do you think that perhaps his *
poor negotiation skills have *
something to do with that? Hmmmm? *
Dan rips the beer out of Drew’s hand and gives it back. *
DAN *
Sorry about that. *
STREET MUSICIAN *
Thanks. The club’s straight down *
the street like a mile or two. *
A beat, as he looks at the trio expectantly. *
STREET MUSICIAN (CONT'D) *
Does anyone have any change? *
They pat their pockets and shrug. *
43 EXT. BABY DOLLS STRIP CLUB- CHARLOTTE - NIGHT - MOMENTS LAT4E3R *
Baby Dolls is a pink one-story building with giant pictures
of half-naked girls looming over it from the billboard in the
parking lot. The neon molding and signage can be seen from
miles away. The guys walk in.
44 INT. BABY DOLLS STRIP CLUB - MOMENTS LATER 44
The club is bumping. Hot naked women everywhere. A host
escorts the guys to a great table. Three gorgeous strippers
come up to them and sit on their laps.
DREW
Unless your breasts expel vodka and
tonic, you can feel free to leave.
47.
STRIPPER 1
Don’t worry baby, drinks will be
here any minute.
DREW
In the mean time, I am obligated to
inform you that, pursuant to
Megan's Law, I am a convicted sex
offender. So, how old are you?
STRIPPER 1
Rape isn’t funny.
DREW
What if the rapist is a mime, or a
Shriner?
Stripper 1 gives him a look.
DREW (CONT’D)
OK fine, rape isn’t funny, but
murder can be.
STRIPPER 1
Murder isn’t funny either.
DREW
Maybe not to you, but if the
murderer was a clown, that would be
funny to me.
STRIPPER 1
How is that funny?
DREW
Because he is happy on the outside,
but sad on the inside.
STRIPPER 1
What?
DREW
Sad clown wanna kill somebody?
Stripper 1 gets up and leaves. Tucker shoots a look at Drew.
STRIPPER 2
(to Dan)
What's wrong with him?
DAN
He went through a bad break-up.
48.
TUCKER
You have a friend for him?
STRIPPER 2
My friends would never put up with
this kind of abuse.
Incredulous, Drew laughs in her face and makes a “T” with
his hands over his head.
DREW
Okay, I’m going to call a timeout
here, so the lesser comedians in
the room have a chance to come up
with their own stripper abuse joke.
Stripper 2 tries to respond. Drew puts a finger to her lips.
DREW (CONT'D)
Shhhh...I would rather mainline
Drain-o than listen to your whoreprattle
for another second. Less
talkie! More boobie!
STRIPPER 2
You know what, I don’t need this.
DREW
Said the fat girl to the cupcake.
Strippers 2 & 3 get up and leave in disgust.
TUCKER
Three down, only ninety-seven to
go. Good job dumbass.
Liz, the waitress, arrives to drop off drinks and a round of
shots. They do the shots and gag.
TUCKER (CONT’D)
Holy Christ, what is that?
LIZ
It’s the house special.
DAN
What’s it called? Antifreeze?!
LIZ
It’s cognac and Alize. We call it
“Thug Passion.”
49.
Each of them immediately reaches for their waters. Lara, the *
stripper who was just on stage, passes their table on her *
way, ostensibly, to the dressing room. *
LARA
Are you guys drinking water? We
don’t allow Mormons in here.
DREW
It’s “Thug Passion.” What mom put
in your bottle so she could watch
Young & The Restless in peace.
LARA
My mom used bourbon, all the sugar
in cognac made me hyper. What’d
your mom use?
DREW
I didn’t get the bottle.
LARA
That’s not too surprising. Judging
by the distance between your eyes,
it looks like she drank it all
while you were still in the womb.
Drew stammers over a comeback and falls silent. Tucker and
Dan stare at each other.
TUCKER
Did she just make a fetal alcohol
joke?
Tucker hands her a twenty dollar bill. *
TUCKER (CONT’D)
When you are done changing or *
whatever, come back over and keep *
talking shit to him. Bring a friend *
for the bachelor, too. *
Lara smiles and makes for the back of the house. Tucker turns *
his attention to the hot stripper that has come over to him.
JADE
If we get a champagne room, we can
do anything we want.
TUCKER
If we go back to my hotel room, we
can do anything we want too.
50.
JADE
But then I don’t make any money.
Tucker pauses and contemplates this offer.
TUCKER
I'll give you twenty dollars.
JADE
(laughing)
No. It's four hundred, baby. But
you're cute and funny; I'll do it
for three fifty.
TUCKER
Twenty five.
JADE
Three hundred twenty five?
TUCKER
No, just twenty five.
JADE
I have to give the club a hundred
to get the room for an hour.
TUCKER
My attention span won’t last an
hour. Thirty dollars.
JADE
That won't even pay for our drinks.
TUCKER
That’s OK, I’m already drunk.
ANGLE ON Lara coming over and sitting down next to Drew and
another girl sitting next to Dan, who he summarily ignores.
DREW
If you must know, my parents yelled
at me, sent me to my room and
ignored me.
LARA
If I was your mom, I would have
locked you away and ignored you
too.
51.
DREW
If you were my mom, I would’ve been
raised by a talentless hooker
instead of a nagging shrew. There’s
a lose-lose.
LARA
You’re awfully bitter for a pastyfaced
shut in. Have you always been
this mean, or did some girl trade
you in for a better model?
DAN
Yes, you’re right! His girl did
dump him!
TUCKER
For Grillionaire of all people!
LARA
Grillionaire? Like, “What it do
baby” Grillionaire with the
diamonds in his teeth? Oh wow. She
couldn’t even pick a good white
rapper, like Paul Wall?
DREW
She may be a vacuous slut with no
taste, but at least she’s not a
stripper.
LARA
You think you’re so clever. I know
a hundred insecure assholes just
like you.
DREW
I’m sure your mother’s boyfriends
were all great guys.
LARA
If I had a dollar for every time I
heard a broken home joke I’d have
enough to buy ComiCon tickets for *
you and all the other orc mage *
failures on your buddy list.
Whatever, I have to go.
Lara gets up quickly and walks toward the dressing room.
TUCKER
No, no, no you can’t go.
52.
DAN
(in Mortal Combat voice)
Finish him!
Tucker and Dan pop up and chase her down.
LARA
I’ve really gotta get home soon.
TUCKER
You need to keep talking shit to
him.
DAN
He can’t handle it when a woman
gets the best of him.
LARA
I know. And I’ve learned my lesson
with guys like your friend.
TUCKER
He’s different. There is a
beautiful flower inside that onion,
I promise. You just have to peel
the layers and fight back the
tears. I'll pay your normal dance
rate, just stay and talk to him.
The trio returns to the table.
DREW
Dance monkey, dance for your
dollar!
LARA
All I have to do is insult him,
right? No dancing?
Tucker nods ascent. She takes his money.
LARA (CONT’D)
Hmm...What’s your name?
DREW
It’s Drew, but let's skip the
pleasantries and go straight to the
part where you call me Captain Kirk
and give me a handjob in the alley.
LARA
You’re a Star Trek nerd? Color me
shocked. Live long and prosper,
dork.
53.
She gives him the Vulcan greeting and slowly folds it into a
middle finger. ANGLE ON Tucker and Jade.
TUCKER
Hold on, if I’m cute and funny,
then why are you charging me?
That’s no way to start a
relationship.
JADE
I don’t need a relationship, I
already have a boyfriend.
TUCKER
Shit baby, I don't want that kind
of relationship. I just want to
fuck you. I’m a great fuck buddy. *
JADE
Okay then, potential Fuck Buddy,
how big is your dick?
TUCKER
How big is your mouth?
They flirtatiously stare each other down as we ANGLE ON Lara
and Drew.
DREW
You're calling me a dork? You are
the one with a video game
character’s name.
LARA
I was named after Agustin Lara.
DAN
Who is that?
LARA
He was a famous Mexican
intellectual.
DREW
Ha ha, that’s a funny joke.
LARA
No funnier than you catching your
girlfriend blowing Grillionaire.
(pausing to taunt Drew)
Oooh, body blow, body blow, body
blow, leeeeeft hooooook!
The guys sit stunned.
54.
DAN
You like Mike Tyson Punch Out?
DREW
I call bullshit. Who was your
favorite guy to fight?
LARA
I liked Soda Popinski because he’s
drinking a Forty in his picture.
Tucker leans into Drew and says in a bar whisper.
TUCKER
This is your dream girl. If you
don’t make this happen you will be *
a disgrace to the entire GTA *
playing community. *
Lara hears the mention of the GTA video game.
LARA
Oh, I will destroy you in GTA!
DREW
Of course you will. And you’re an
‘exotic dancer’, not a ‘stripper.’
LARA
You can’t handle a girl who’s
better than you at a stupid game?
DREW
You can beat me at GTA? Hey, while
we’re in this fantasy land, why
don’t we drive your flying car over
to the bank and get you approved
for a low-interest home loan.
TUCKER
I bet you a hundred dollars that
she will beat you at GTA.
DREW
I’m not betting on a video game.
Betting is illegal.
Lara leans in close to Drew and sniffs him.
LARA
I smell a pussy.
DREW
Well then douche before work.
55.
TUCKER
Two hundred dollars.
DREW
I can’t leave. Dan’s bachelor
party is the whole reason we came.
DAN
Don’t let me keep you here. Nothing
would make me happier than to see
you lose to her at a video game.
DREW
I might consider it if we had a
place to play and I had my special
controller.
LARA
My shift just ended. We can play at
my house. I have everything but
your candy ass little controller.
DAN
Then it’s a bet.
DREW
I’m not going to some vile stripper
den. You know her baby daddy is *
just waiting for me to walk through
the front door so he can roll me
and steal my organs.
LARA
How are you friends with this guy?
DAN
I have no idea. How are you still
attracted to him?
DREW
Probably has something to do with
the happy confluence of my
sarcastic, standoffish sense of
humor and the inability of her stepfathers
to show her any affection.
Dan's phone rings.
DAN
Hey honey, what's up?
ANGLE on Tucker addressing Drew.
56.
TUCKER
(in a bar whisper)
Dude, What Would Tucker Do? You're
going.
Tucker gives Lara two hundred dollar bills.
TUCKER (CONT’D)
If you beat him, this is yours. If
not, I expect it back. And not in
sweaty crumpled $1 bills.
45 INT. CARNIVAL SUPPLY STORE - SIMULTANEOUS 45
Kristy is lying on a big bouncy castle, testing it out. Her
mother is looking on disapprovingly.
KRISTY
Have you finally calmed down?
DAN (O.S.)
Yeah, I'm not mad at you anymore.
KRISTY
Gee, thanks. Are you having fun?
How is Tucker handling the "No
Touch" rule?
46 INT. BABY DOLLS STRIP CLUB - SIMULTANEOUS 46
Jade is on Tucker's lap and rubbing his inner thigh and
crotch.
DAN
He's coping.
A new dancer is about to come on stage and the DJ pipes up.
DJ (O.C.)
Welcome to the stage, twice the
bright and half the height,
Charlotte's very own....RAINBOW
BRITE!!
47 INT. CARNIVAL SUPPLY STORE - SIMULTANEOUS 47
Kristy sits up.
KRISTY
Dan, where are you?
DAN (O.S.)
A club.
57.
KRISTY
No, where are you? Geographically.
DAN (O.S.)
North Carolina.
Kristy gets up off the bouncy castle with a start.
KRISTY
I can’t believe this.
KRISTY’S MOTHER
(to the salesman)
We’re not going to be needing this
anymore.
48 INT. BABY DOLLS - SIMULTANEOUS 48
Lara grabs Drew and starts dragging him away from the table.
Panic starts seeping through Dan's drunken exterior.
KRISTY (O.S.)
Put Drew on the phone.
DAN
He’s leaving with a stripper.
KRISTY (O.S.)
Dan, we both know that's
ridiculous. Put Drew on the phone.
Dan flags down Drew before he gets too far and waves the
phone. He covers the receiver as he hands it to Drew.
DAN
Kristy wants to talk to you. She
thinks we're not in Durham.
TUCKER
Tell her we're in Durham.
DREW
Hi Kristy.
KRISTY (O.S.)
Drew, where are you guys?
DREW
We're at a strip club in Charlotte.
Gotta go.
Drew hands the phone back. Tucker and Dan look at him in
disbelief.
58.
DREW (CONT'D)
Don't look at me like that. I'm not
lying for you miscreants. My moral
compass doesn't point straight down
my pants.
Lara takes Drew by the hand again and leads him away.
JADE
Is your friend actually going to
seal the deal with Lara?
TUCKER
I’m just hoping he doesn’t kill
her.
Liz comes by with bottle service. A bottle of champagne and a
bottle of vodka, with the accoutrements.
49 INT. CARNIVAL SUPPLY STORE - SIMULTANEOUS 49
Kristy and her mom are navigating their way toward the exit.
KRISTY
Dan, why did you go to Charlotte?
DAN (O.S.)
I...Tucker...I...I'm sorry.
KRISTY
Again, Dan? Again with Tucker. Are
you his keeper? Is that your role?
Is that what you do? Hang out,
swoop in and save him, and take the
hit? I don’t get it.
DAN (O.S.)
No. I don’t know.
KRISTY
What I really don't understand is
why you had to lie to me. We
promised we’d always be honest with
each other.
DAN (O.S.)
I don't know...I don’t know why we
lied. Are you--
KRISTY
Stop saying “we”. I don’t care why
Tucker did what he did. I only care
about what you did.
59.
A beat.
DAN (O.S.)
You’re really mad.
KRISTY
I don't know what I am. Hurt, I
guess. Really disappointed. I don’t
know what to think. I've got to go.
Kristy hangs up as they reach the exit.
KRISTY'S MOM
I told you Episcopalians were no
good.
50 INT. BABY DOLLS - SIMULTANEOUS 50
Dan looks at his cell phone, stunned, as the call
disconnects.
TUCKER
Whatever, she'll get over it. Just
tell her it’s my fault.
DAN
IT IS YOUR FAULT!
TUCKER
Eh, six of one. Don’t sweat it,
what happens in Charlotte, stays in
Charlotte.
DAN
No it doesn’t! My fiance is in
Durham and she’s fucking pissed!
Tucker takes one of the chilling glasses, fills it with
vodka, and hands it to Dan.
TUCKER
Solution to life’s problems,
remember? *
Dan takes it and gives Tucker a ‘fuck you' look as Rainbow
Brite’s song ends and the DJ chimes in again.
DJ (O.C.)
Give it up for Rainbow Brite
everybody! And now, it’s time to
call all dancers to the main stage
for Bachelor Party Duty! Someone
needs a spanking!
60.
TUCKER
Dude, you're going on stage! You
psyched?!
Something catches Tucker's attention on the periphery.
TUCKER (CONT'D)
I'll be right back. I'm gonna go
get Rainbow Brite.
JADE
What about your friend? You can’t
leave him alone in his condition.
TUCKER
He’ll be fine. He’s a big boy. *
Tucker bolts for the back of the house. Dan ignores him,
finishes his pint of vodka and pours another. *
51 EXT./INT LARA’S CAR - LARA’S DRIVEWAY - MOMENTS LATER 51
Drew and Lara are parked in Lara’s driveway.
LARA
I need to tell you something before
we go inside.
DREW
I fucking knew it. I’m gonna get *
jumped. They’re going to take my
kidneys-- *
LARA
No, I have a son. *
An awkward silence settles over them for a beat or two.
LARA (CONT'D)
He’ll be asleep, but I wanted to
tell you before you tripped over
his GI Joes in the living room.
DREW
What’s his name?
LARA
Jack.
DREW
Is he named after his baby daddy or
the liquor he was conceived on? *
61.
LARA
No. It’s just a strong name. I
think a little boy needs a strong
name. I’m not a big fan of those
androgynous names like Terry or Pat
or Aar--
Lara catches herself and shoots a quick glance at Drew who
knows exactly why she cut herself off.
DREW
Bitch. Well, I can’t say I’m
shocked. Having a kid is one of the
top three excuses women use to
justify stripping.
LARA
Really? What are the other two?
DREW
The “paying my way through college”
lie heads up that list. It’s in the
Whore Logic Hall of Fame.
LARA
And the other one?
DREW
“It’s better than being a hooker or
doing porn.”
LARA
Strippers don’t actually say that!
DREW
Bullshit they don’t. You need to
watch Maury Povich.
52 INT. DJ BOOTH - SIMULTANEOUS 52
STRIP CLUB DJ
And now, the man of the hour, our
bachelor of the night, Dan Smith! *
Four strippers grab a visibly drunk Dan, and pull him on
stage. Confused, he tries to fight them off. One tries to
remove his belt and he pulls back on it, yelling at her to
get away. The stripper let's go and Dan jerks back, his
elbow accidentally clocking the stripper behind him in the
nose. She grabs her face screaming. Dan bends over to
apologize, when the other strippers start punching and
beating him with whips. Dan backpedals and falls off the
stage, cracking his face on a table, creating a huge mess.
62.
Dan gets up with a huge gash on his face, blood spilling
down his shirt, when the bouncers grab him and start dragging
him toward a side exit.
DAN
(frantic, his head
whipping around)
Get off me! TUCKER, GET THESE
ASSHOLES OFF ME! TUCKER!!
The bouncers throw him out.
53 INT. LARA’S HOUSE - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS 53
Lara and Drew walk quietly into the living room. JACK, 7,
is playing with a large collection of toy soldiers, GI Joes
and Lego men that he’s arranged in phalanxes for a toy war.
LARA
Jack! Aren’t you supposed to be in
bed?
JACK
Aunt Bunny let me stay up and play.
LARA
It doesn’t matter, your bedtime is
your bedtime.
DREW
Are the GI Joes the good guys?
Shy, like the typical 7 year old boy, Jack keeps his eyes
focused on his toys and nods to Drew in the affirmative.
DREW (CONT’D)
You have some Transformers here
too. You can’t mix genres like
this. It screws up morale and
jeopardizes the efficacy of your
tactics.
JACK
But Optimus Prime has a big cool
gun.
DREW
OK, we’ll work with it. What are
you playing?
JACK
The GI Joes are going to surprise
attack the Legos.
63.
DREW
I know you are just seven, but it’s
time you learned how to set up a
proper L-shaped ambush. This
rigmarole you have here just won’t
work, your flanks are exposed and
you are vulnerable to an enfilade
from the Lego artillery.
JACK
What is a flank?
Shocked, Drew shoots a disapproving glance toward Lara.
DREW
It’s a good thing I came.
54 EXT. OUTSIDE BABY DOLLS - MOMENTS LATER 54
Dan is pissing in the alley, one hand holding the bloodsoaked
cocktail napkins to his head, the other holding his
penis. A cop comes up.
OFFICER
What the hell are you doin'?
DAN
What does it look like I'm doing?
OFFICER
We're trying to keep this
neighborhood pristine, and you're
over here pissing up the place.
This is an actionable offense.
DAN
Oooohhhh! Is Mr. Plastic Badge
gonna give me a ticket?! How will I
ever face my life again?
OFFICER
What did you say to me boy?
DAN
I have a question, Deputy Dipshit.
Are you a cop because that was the
only job you could get with a
G.E.D., or is it how you compensate
for your erectile dysfunction?
ANGLE on the patrol car pulling away with Dan trying to kick
out the back window. They pass the bachelorette party, who
are about to head into the strip club.
64.
55 INT. LARA’S HOUSE - NIGHT - LATER 55
Drew and Jack are still on the living room floor fully
ensconced in war with Jack’s GI Joes. Lara is staring at him
with a mix of bewilderment and amusement.
DREW
OK, now your GI Joes are perfectly
set up for the ambush. Once the
Legos come into this kill zone, no
matter what they do, they’re toast.
JACK
And my flanks are covered with
supporting suppressive fire from
Optimus Prime!
DREW
You might not grow up to be a
failure at life after all.
LARA
Ok, it’s time for bed now. Say
thank you to Drew for teaching
you...how to attack your Legos.
JACK
Thanks, Drew. Can you teach me
other ambushes tomorrow?
DREW
I think I’ve stunted your growth
enough for one week. Maybe next
time I’ll teach you how to use
caustic humor as a mask for your *
inability to relate to people on a
personal level.
JACK
Yay! Good night Drew. ‘night, Mom.
56 INT. MECKLENBERG COUNTY JAIL - A FEW MINUTES LATER 56
Dan is in the drunk tank, surrounded by a bunch of Mexicans.
DAN
I need to get out and talk to my
wife or she’ll never take me back!
Who’s with me!?
MEXICAN NUMERO UNO
I’m da only one who speaks English,
mane.
65.
Dan enthusiastically jumps up on the bench.
DAN
Esta bien bendejos, yo hablo
espanol! [subtitle: It’s okay
bitches, I speak Spanish!]
57 INT. OUTSIDE THE JAIL CELL - SIMULTANEOUS 57
The cops behind the desk hear some screaming from the cell.
GOOD COP
What is going on in there?
BAD COP
I’ll check it out.
58 INT. JAIL CELL - SIMULTANEOUS 58
DAN
Yo veo los tenedores! Tendremos una
revolucion estrenimiento!
[subtitle: I see the forks! We will
have a constipated revolution!]
The Mexicans stare at each other in confusion.
BAD COP
What the hell is going on in here?
DAN
Su madre es puta para baaah baaaah!
Sigame al bano!
[subtitle: His mother is a
prostitute for goats! Follow me to
the toilet!]
Bad Cop whacks Dan with his night stick and he collapses on
the floor.
59 INT. BEDROOM - SIMULTANEOUS 59
Tucker is having vigorous sex with a woman you can't quite
see in the darkness except for her multi-colored socks. It’s
Rainbow Brite. Tucker’s absolutely thrilled with himself.
60 INT. LARA’S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS 60
Lara and Drew are sitting on the sofa playing GTA. It’s at
the part where Drew got killed a couple days before.
DREW
Jack is a great kid. Damnit.
66.
Drew’s character is getting beaten up by the hooker.
LARA
Thanks.
DREW
I usually want to kick most kids
into a wood chipper. No, what the?!
How is that whore kicking my ass?!
Are you playing the hooker!? That’s
not possible.
Drew’s character just got heel-stomped in the nuts.
LARA
That means a lot. He’s had a tough
time since his dad left. It’s a
secret cheat code this girl on a
gaming messageboard developed.
DREW
Why did he leave? Get off of me!
Lara’s character is stealing Drew’s character’s wallet.
LARA
He thought I was cheating on him,
so he decided to “get even” and
screw anything that moved.
DREW
Were you? I mean, it wouldn’t
surprise me. Your entire gender is
hard-wired for whoredom.
Sonuvabitch, that’s my head!
Lara’s character has stolen Drew’s character’s car and is
backing over his head with it.
LARA
I hate when men randomly bash
women. It’s like this pathetic
defense mechanism you guys put up
when you know you are attracted to
a woman who might not be into you.
DREW
That’s not true.
LARA
Yes it is. It’s easier to call a
girl a whore than admit to yourself
that she’s out of your league.
67.
DREW
That’s some whore logic if I’ve
ever heard it.
LARA
Anyone is capable of being a whore,
Drew. Being a woman does not de
facto make you one.
DREW
It does if you’re a cum-guzzling *
demon slut. *
LARA
Fine, but your ex is only
representative of herself, not her
whole gender. Her actions don’t
mean that I am a whore, simply
because we’re both women.
DREW
So did you cheat? Let me guess, if *
you’re getting paid it “doesn’t *
count”.
LARA
No, Drew, I’ve never cheated on *
anyone. Or used sex as a weapon. *
Lara’s character hops out of the car and snuffs out the last
bits of Drew’s life by smothering him with her breasts.
DREW
Motherfucker!
LARA
If you ever want to find love
again, you have to get over these
childish notions you have. If you
don’t, your personal life is going
to remain the steaming pile of shit
it is now.
Drew’s character finally dies. He hurls his controller
toward the television.
DREW
If I kiss you, will you shut up
already?
Without waiting for a response, Drew kisses Lara.
68.
INT. LARA’S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS *
Drew and Lara make sweet, sweet love. Maybe a little awkward *
at first, it settles into decidedly un-stripper like sex. *
INT. DAN AND KRISTY’S BEDROOM *
Kristy is still up, trying to read a book, but seems a bit *
distracted. She plucks her cell phone from the bedside table *
and flips it open. ANGLE ON the cell phone *
MISSED CALLS MENU *
NONE *
Disappointed, she closes the phone, tosses the book where *
Dan would normally be, and turns out the light. *
INT. LARA’S BEDROOM *
Lara is asleep. Drew, still awake in a non-peeping tom non- *
rapist kind of way, is watching her sleep by the light of the *
hallway through the slightly opened bedroom door. The bitter *
defensive veneer has finally cracked. *
61 INT. BEDROOM - SIMULTANEOUS 61
Tucker and his stripper fuck buddy are reaching climax,
Tucker pushes her small feet out of his mouth, finishes, and
collapses into the bed, drunk and exhausted.
62 INT. MECKLENBERG COUNTY JAIL - NEXT MORNING - 8:41AM 62
Dan wakes up on the cement jail floor in a pool of vile,
brownish liquid. He has a new welt over his other eye. He is
surrounded by a crew of Mexicans chatting in ghetto Spanish.
DAN
Where am I? Eh, Donde esta vatos
locos?
MEXICAN NUMERO UNO
Drunk tank, ese.
MEXICAN NUMERO DOS
Muy muy burracho, mane.
There’s a pay phone on the wall. Dan has no money.
DAN
I need to make a collect call to
323-351-7640.
69.
OPERATOR
State your name after the beep.
DAN
Dan.
63 INT. BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS 63
Tucker's still asleep. He pays no attention to his vibrating
cell phone, scooting along the bedroom floor.
64 INT. JAIL CELL - CONTINUOUS 64
DAN
Try 281-330-8004.
OPERATOR
State your name after the beep.
DAN
(annoyed)
Dan.
65 INT. LARA'S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS 65
Drew's cell is in his jacket pocket, which is in the living
room. He is in the bedroom.
66 INT. JAIL CELL - CONTINUOUS 66
Dan is leaning his head against the pay phone.
DAN
Damnit, where the hell are you!?
OPERATOR
I’m right here, sir.
DAN
Not you, could you try 919-555-
8971?
OPERATOR
State your name.
DAN
GODDAMNIT YOU KNOW MY FUCKING NAME
(beep sounds)
JUST MAKE THE FUCKING CALL SO I
DON’T SPEND THE REST OF MY GODDAMN
LIFE IN JAIL!!
70.
67 INT. DAN’S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS 67
Kristy is asleep in their bed. Her cell phone rings. She
groggily picks up.
KRISTY
Hello?
OPERATOR
This is the Mecklenberg County Jail
Operator with a collect call from:
Dan’s recorded voice clicks in.
DAN (V.O.)
JUST MAKE THE FUCKING CALL SO I
DON’T SPEND THE REST OF MY GODDAMN
LIFE IN JAIL!!
KRISTY
Dan?
68 INT. JAIL CELL - CONTINUOUS 68
Dan looks sick to his stomach.
DAN
Hi, honey.
KRISTY (O.S.)
What happened? Where are you?
DAN
I’m in jail. Can you come get me? *
A long, pregnant pause.
KRISTY (O.S.)
No, Dan. Tucker said he has your *
back, so let him have it. *
Kristy hangs up and the line clicks over.
OPERATOR (O.S.)
Can I help you with anything else?
DAN
Can you come bail me out?
OPERATOR (O.S.)
Excuse me?
DAN
Nevermind.
71.
Dan slides slowly down the cell wall to the floor. He’s a *
sad beaten, swollen slumped mass of exhausted rejection. *
69 EXT. LARA’S HOUSE - FRONT DOOR - MORNING 69
Tucker jogs up the walk and knocks. Drew answers the door. *
Jack is innocently wrapped around his lower leg fighting the *
Optimus Prime against the Cobra Commander. *
TUCKER
(slightly unsettled)
So how’d it go? Everything good?
DREW
Of course. What did you think was
going to happen?
TUCKER
What do I hope happened? I hope you
hooked up. What do I think
happened?
70 INT. LARA’S HOUSE - NIGHT - DREAM SEQUENCE 70
Drew strangles Lara with the controller cord, as Jack yells
in terror. Lara stops squirming as Jack comes over to help
his mommy and Drew kicks him in his little nuts, sending him
ass first through the front window. Drew uses a candle to
light the drapes on fire, grabs an arm full of toys, and...
EXT. LARA’S HOUSE - NIGHT - DREAM SEQUENCE
...runs out the front door down the street, toys spilling
everywhere. ANGLE ON the house, with Jack, dead, dangling
from a large shard of window glass that’s pierced the collar
of his Optimus Prime pajama top.
71 EXT. LARA’S HOUSE - FRONT DOOR - CURRENT SCENE 71 *
DREW
That’s ridiculous. I already have
all those toys.
72 Lara joins them on the porch. Tucker nods to her. She flash7e2s *
his $200, tucks it in her bra and nuzzles against Drew. Jack
pulls on Drew’s leg and extends his Optimus Prime doll. *
JACK
You can have this.
72.
DREW
I can’t take your Optimus Prime,
buddy. He’s the leader of the
Autobots.
JACK
I want you to have him.
DREW
Wow, thanks buddy.
Drew fishes the Duke GI Joe keychain out of his pocket,
slides it off the ring, and hands it down to Jack.
DREW (CONT'D)
Then I want you to have this.
JACK
Wow, mom, look! It’s a Duke
keychain.
DREW
Duke was the Field Commander for
all the Joes that went into battle.
He was my favorite when I was your
age.
Jack reaches out and hugs Drew.
JACK
Thanks, Drew!
DREW
You have to promise me one thing:
you’ll be just like Duke and take
care of your soldiers; including
your mom, okay?
JACK
I promise.
Drew stands up and kisses Lara briefly. He slides out of her
grip and walks down the drive with Tucker. *
DREW
I’ll call you when we get home.
JACK
Bye, Drew! See you soon!
DREW
73 See ya! Good luck with your 73
ambushes. *
73.
TUCKER
Did you just give your Duke
keychain to a whore baby?
DREW
She’s not a whore.
They get to the car and Drew realizes that Dan isn’t there.
DREW (CONT'D)
Where is Dan?
74 INT. MECKLENBERG COUNTY JAIL - LATER 74
Tucker walks up to the clerk’s window.
TUCKER
I got a weird computer voicemail
from you guys. I think you’ve got
my friend Dan Smith back there. *
CLERK
Yes, Mr. Smith was quite the guest. *
Wait over there, he'll be out soon.
ANGLE on Dan emerging from the jail with two swollen black
eyes and vomit caked to his shirt.
TUCKER
Jesus Christ, Dan! What happened!?
DAN
Where the fuck were you?! Where did
you go!?
TUCKER
Dude, you are not going to believe *
what happened to me.
75 INT. RESTAURANT - ON THE HIGHWAY - AN HOUR LATER 75
Tucker, Dan and Drew are sitting around waiting for their
food to come out. Dan has a deep, vacant stare.
TUCKER
You know the feeling you get when
you’re looking for that special
someone and you’re trying so hard
you think you might never find her? *
Like Sisyphus pushing the boulder
up the mountain? *
74.
(MORE)
But then, just as you’re about to
give up, the clouds part, the path
widens, and there she is? Well
gentlemen, last night I reached the
mountain top.
76 INT. BABY DOLLS STRIP CLUB - FLASHBACK - LAST NIGHT 76
It's right after Tucker poured the drink for Dan.
TUCKER (V.O.)
Drew you had just left, when I saw
her.
ANGLE on the door to the stripper dressing room. There’s
nothing there.
TUCKER (V.O.) (CONT’D)
My midget princess.
Everything seems to slow down, Tucker’s mesmerized, like a
trance. The camera pans down...to a midget dressed as RAINBOW
BRITE.
TUCKER (V.O.) (CONT'D)
Her blonde hair and sparkling blue
eyes reminded me of Gwenyth
Paltrow. Her compressed cervical
vertebrae and bowed legs told me
what Gwenyth Paltrow would look
like if she was placed in a vise
and squished to one quarter size.
Rainbow Brite waddles confidently across the room.
TUCKER (V.O.) (CONT'D)
As her pigeon-toed feet carried her
past our table, I slid down in my
chair, hoping to catch her eye.
Rainbow Brite passes Tucker, mouth open in order to breathe.
TUCKER (V.O.) (CONT'D)
She looked at me, her mashed-up
teeth sparkling in the oily light
of the novelty condom machine.
Tucker gives his best seductive smile.
TUCKER (V.O.) (CONT’D)
I gave her my unmistakable "I want
to fuck you" eyes.
Rainbow Brite smiles at Tucker, exposing mashed-up teeth.
75.
TUCKER (CONT'D)
TUCKER (V.O.) (CONT’D)
She shot back a "My spine hurts"
face, and I was smitten.
Tucker gets up from the table, leaving Dan chugging vodka,
to follow his midget princess to the bar.
TUCKER (V.O.) (CONT'D)
She went to the bar and I took the
stool next to hers. The beer bottle
looked massive in her tiny little
hands. *
She grabs a beer bottle off the bar counter.
TUCKER (V.O.) (CONT’D)
All I could think about was how big
those hands would make my penis
look. I started running tiny little
game at her.
Tucker turns to her.
TUCKER (CONT’D)
Hi, I’m Gulliver. How are you
doing?
RAINBOW BRITE
(annoyed at the joke)
I've had a long night, I’m tired.
TUCKER
Hey, don’t get short with me,
Sleepy.
RAINBOW BRITE
Ugh! I’m not a dwarf, I'm a Little
Person.
TUCKER
Is that what Doc told you, Grumpy?
RAINBOW BRITE
Jerk!
TUCKER
Hi ho, hi ho, start dancing or off
you go.
Midget Princess breaks a smile at Tucker’s deviousness.
76.
TUCKER (V.O.) (CONT’D)
She ate it up. She laughed her tiny
little laugh at my tiny little
jokes and then threw me a fastball
down the middle.
RAINBOW BRITE
I always fall for assholes.
TUCKER (V.O.)
It was the tiny little opening I
needed.
Tucker smiles deviously.
TUCKER (CONT’D)
This place sucks. You want to go
back to my hotel and do something
more fun?
RAINBOW BRITE
What do you want to do?
TUCKER
(seductively serious)
I wanna make a mess in your mouth.
A beat.
RAINBOW BRITE
Let’s go.
TUCKER
OK, but just to be safe, leave your
pick axe here. I don’t want you
tunneling under the bed, looking
for diamonds or something. It’ll
freak me out.
Rainbow Brite swings down from her stool, grabs Tucker’s hand
and they leave.
TUCKER (V.O.) (CONT’D)
Without a tiny little second
thought, she swung down from the
stool, took my pinky in her tiny
little sausage fingers and guided
me out the door.
77 INT. RESTAURANT - CURRENT SCENE 77
Dan slams his fist on the table.
77.
DAN
WAIT! Are you telling me I have
this (points to right eye) and this
(points to left eye) because you
had to fuck an oompa loompa?! Are
you serious?
TUCKER
Dude, it was Destiny! You remember;
the midget stripper the professor
was talking about in class
yesterday! I went on Westlaw and
found out where she worked before I
picked up Drew.
Dan and Drew stare angrily and incredulously at Tucker.
TUCKER (CONT'D)
What, you don't think that's funny?
DAN
You mean you’d never even been to
that strip club?!
It clicks.
DAN (CONT'D)
That's why you took us to that
crappy bar! And why you had me call *
to find out where the strip club *
was! The bachelor party was all a
big fucking ruse!? *
TUCKER
Dan, how many people do you know
who've fucked a midget? You don't
think that's awesome?
DAN
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?? I may not have
a fiance anymore because YOU
dragged me into a lie that I didn't
want OR NEED to be a part of. Now I
have to go back to Durham to beg
her forgiveness, and plead with her
not to cancel the wedding we have
been planning for a year! And what
am I going to look like when I get
there? LOOK AT MY FACE! I LOOK LIKE
I WAS ON THE WRONG END OF A PRISON
BEATING...BECAUSE I WAS!!
A beat.
78.
TUCKER
Dude, let me finish my story. It's
not always about you.
Dan flips his shit and tries to hit Tucker across the table,
crashing it to the ground. Drew holds him back. Dan storms
out, cursing a blue streak. Tucker tries to interject.
DREW
Right now, if I were Tucker, I
would shut the fuck up.
78 INT. BUS - AFTERNOON 78 *
Dan, disheveled and disfigured, sits cramped against the *
window of a Greyhound bus, packed in like sardines amidst a *
collection of broken souls who can only be described as the *
dingleberries in the ass crack of humanity.
79 INT. DAN’S APARTMENT - EVENING 79
Kristy and her mother are finalizing the seating chart and
writing out the place cards. *
KRISTY’S MOTHER *
I’ll tell you one thing. No good *
Baptist would be caught dead *
drinking to excess or gettin’ *
arrested for causin’ a ruckus. It’s *
unseemly. *
KRISTY *
Of course not Mom. The good *
Baptists never get caught. *
A fiddling keys sound comes from the front door. *
KRISTY’S MOTHER *
Look, all I’m tryin’ to say is that *
this kind of wanton drunkenness and *
lack of self control is typical of *
a religion with all of the *
spirituality and none of the guilt. *
It’s not right. *
Dan straggles through the door into the living room. *
KRISTY’S MOTHER (CONT'D) *
(biting and sarcastic)
Well look who the Lord has chosen *
to deliver unto this happy home.
79.
KRISTY
(to Dan)
We need to talk. You missed
everything.
DAN
I know.
Kristy’s mother catches a glimpse of Dan’s face.
KRISTY’S MOTHER
Oh my gracious, Danrey! Your face!
Kristy leaps to her feet.
KRISTY
Honey! What happened to you?!
DAN
(beaten and defeated)
I’m so, so sorry.
KRISTY’S MOTHER
Sorry!? The wedding’s ruined! Look
at your face!
KRISTY
Enough, mom.
KRISTY’S MOTHER
We have to postpone! I can’t
display your wedding photos in my
house, what will people think?!
KRISTY
I said enough! This isn’t about
you. I don’t care what you do with
the stupid pictures!
A beat, as Kristy’s mother regroups and Dan looks on sullen
and hilariously disfigured.
KRISTY (CONT'D)
Are you okay? You have to stop
letting Tucker get you into these
messes.
Dan shrugs, frowning and droopy.
KRISTY (CONT'D)
(through stifled laughter)
Oh my little Quasimoto. You look so
pathetic.
80.
She hugs him tenderly, as much like a mother as a wife.
KRISTY (CONT'D)
Let’s get you cleaned up so I can
stop laughing at you.
80 INT. LAW LIBRARY - MORNING 80
SUPERSCRIPT: TWO DAYS BEFORE THE WEDDING
Tucker walks into the law library and sits with Drew.
TUCKER
Dude, I just tried to take a shit.
Nothing would come out. That never
happens to me. I feel like Elvis
just before his heart exploded.
DREW
If only the world were so lucky.
TUCKER
Whatever. You wanna play some ball?
DREW
I have class. You know, that place
we pay 35 grand a year to go to
between happy hours.
TUCKER
That place is dumb.
Drew doesn’t react and silence hangs for a beat.
TUCKER (CONT'D)
Hey, let me ask you something: is
Dan really pissed?
DREW
Are you drunk or stupid?
TUCKER
What?
DREW
How could you not realize he’s
pissed? Have you even talked to him
since Saturday?
TUCKER
I tried calling, but he doesn’t
pick up. What’s his problem? *
81.
DREW
His problem?! Are you such a
narcissist that you don’t know why
he’s mad? Do you have any concept
of friendship? How have you made it
this far in life without
understanding this stuff?
TUCKER *
Fine, I’ll check into the hotel in *
Wilmington tomorrow, and just go up *
there and apologize to him and we *
can be done with this bullshit. *
Drew gets up and hastily pulls his things together.
DREW *
I guess God truly does protect
fools and children, because you’re
both.
Drew turns and leaves Tucker at the table.
EXT. WEDDING HOTEL - ESTABLISHING *
A large, high-end hotel. The kind that looks like it would be *
a destination hotel for weddings and anniversaries. *
81 INT. HOTEL BRIDAL SUITE - AFTERNOON - NEXT DAY 81
SUPERSCRIPT: DAY BEFORE THE WEDDING
Kristy, freshly showered, is in a towel. Bags and clothes are
everywhere. Dan is channel surfing. There’s a knock at the
door. Kristy looks through the peephole.
KRISTY
It’s Tucker. Do you want to talk to
him?
Dan shrugs with ambivalence. She opens the door.
TUCKER
Is Dan here?
He peers around Kristy and spots Dan on the couch flipping
channels, ignoring him.
TUCKER (CONT'D)
Can we talk?
82.
Dan doesn’t respond. Tucker, looking a little lost for the
first time, peeks expectantly at Kristy.
TUCKER (CONT'D)
(to Kristy)
Can I come in?
Kristy opens the door wider and Tucker walks in.
TUCKER (CONT'D)
Dude, Dan, sorry.
Dan searches Tucker’s face for an extended beat.
DAN
Sorry is just a word.
Dan turns the TV off, kisses Kristy on the cheek, and
retreats into the master bedroom without another word,
closing the door quietly behind him.
TUCKER
What should I do?
KRISTY
Apologize sincerely.
TUCKER
I just did.
KRISTY
Tucker, what fantasy world do you
live in? One word and the Guy Head
Nod isn’t a sincere apology.
TUCKER
What else am I supposed to say? I’m
not a mind reader.
KRISTY
Do you understand the magnitude of
this situation? He lied to me for
you. He landed in jail because you
failed as a friend in every way
possible.
TUCKER
I didn’t make him lie to you.
KRISTY
He lied because he was your friend,
Tucker. To protect you.
83.
TUCKER
That’s stupid. Protect me from
what?
KRISTY
From his future wife thinking his
best friend is a selfish lying son
of a bitch! Except it’s worse than
that because I always knew you were
selfish. Now I worry that you’re
this uncontrollable destructive
force that I can’t trust to have
the best interests of the man I
love at heart.
Kristy’s exhortation freezes Tucker.
KRISTY (CONT'D)
That’s what you don’t seem to
understand. Part of friendship is
supporting each other and knowing *
each others boundaries. Do you even *
know where Dan’s are? *
TUCKER
Yeah, of course.
KRISTY
So you just ignored them then? *
Pushed right past them. He *
sacrificed his line in the sand to *
protect you and you couldn’t even
sacrifice a midget vagina for him.
Is it any surprise you aren’t
welcome at our wedding?
TUCKER
I’m not invited?
KRISTY
No, Tucker, you aren’t.
Tucker stands there stunned.
TUCKER
No way. What does Dan say?
KRISTY
You don’t get it. I don’t care if
you’re at the wedding. It’s Dan
who doesn’t want you there.
Kristy looks sadly and reluctantly into Tucker’s face as he
processes her words.
84.
82 INT. HOTEL HALLWAY - MOMENTS LATER 82
Tucker emerges from the bridal suite. He looks like he’s
mulling over his options. He pulls out his phone and dials.
83 INT. HOTEL ROOM - SIMULTANEOUS 83
Candles lit. There’s a fruit tray and champagne. Drew’s *
setting up a PS2 for a GTA rematch. His tuxedo is hanging
from the bathroom door. Lara is changing into comfortable *
clothes. His phone rings. *
DREW
What’s up?
TUCKER (O.S.)
What are you doing?
DREW
Not much. Lara is here. *
TUCKER (O.S.)
Cool, let’s hang out, get some
drinks. We can take the stripper *
dancing!
DREW
No thanks. We’re staying in
tonight. It’s a long day tomorrow.
TUCKER
Dude, just because you’re getting *
pussy doesn’t mean you should be a
pussy. Let’s go out. *
DREW
Yes, Tucker. Insult us and *
insistently reassert your initial
demand. That’ll make the
difference.
TUCKER
What are you talking about?
DREW
You nearly submarined one of your
friend’s relationships already this
week. I’d like a chance to see if
mine can float before you do your
best to torpedo it. I’ll talk to
you later.
Drew hangs up and plugs in his special controller.
85.
84 INT. HOTEL ELEVATOR - CONTINUOUS 84
TUCKER
Well fuck ’em if they can’t take a *
joke. I’m all the party I need. *
85 INT. RANDOM DURHAM BAR - A FEW HOURS LATER 85
Tucker is flirting with a pair of girls at the bar.
TARGET GIRL
I have two cats. A girl and a boy.
Abigail Lulu Dibiase and Jersey
Lemon Dibiase.
TUCKER
Why would you own cats? Do you
enjoy having big boxes of shit in
your house?
TARGET GIRL
I clean the litter boxes every day.
TUCKER
Does it not bother you how haughty
they are? They could give a fuck
about you.
TARGET GIRL
Not my cats. They aren’t like
regular cats, they’re like dogs.
TUCKER
Right on cue. EVERY cat person says
that. You know what's not like a
regular cat? A fucking dog.
No one but Tucker laughs. He finishes his beer, and leaves.
TUCKER (CONT’D)
No need to thank me, your silent,
awed adoration is it’s own reward.
He’s pleased with himself until he realizes he’s the only one
there alone. He looks around for an escape from the
awkwardness and finds it in a girl with her face up to a tank
near the front of the bar filled with cute little turtles.
TUCKER (CONT'D)
What are you doing?
TURTLE GIRL
Talking to the turtles.
86.
TUCKER
Did they tell you to kill hookers?
That's what they tell me to do.
Turtle Girl shuffles away slightly embarrassed. Two girls *
seated nearby look on in disgust. Of course the chubby one
chimes in.
CHUBBY INTERLOPER
What kind of man says something
like that to a woman?!
TUCKER
Usually it's my misanthropic friend
Drew, then I pick the girl up on
the rebound. But he's not here. *
FRIEND OF CHUBBY
So you’re drinking alone? That’s
one of the beginning stages of
alcoholism, you know.
TUCKER
I'm way past the beginning stages.
I already hide liquor around the *
house and drink alone in the dark. *
CHUBBY INTERLOPER
That's sad.
TUCKER
No way. Drinking is highly *
underrated. Think about it: What
are the detriments to being drunk?
FRIEND OF CHUBBY
I don't know.
TUCKER
It hurts relationships with family
and friends? I don't like my family
and my friends drink as much as me.
It causes long term health
problems? I drive way too fast to
worry about anything long term. It
costs money? I'm going to spend it
recklessly anyway, better on
alcohol than drugs or pornography.
Causes rude and aberrant behavior?
I'm an asshole when I'm sober;
being drunk actually calms me down.
The girls look at each other in disgust.
87.
TUCKER (CONT’D)
Now compare that to it's benefits:
Drinking makes me invulnerable to
criticism, makes ugly people
attractive,
(pointing to Friend of
Chubby)
makes boring people interesting,
(pointing to Chubby
Interloper)
and makes hot girls like me. For my
money, the choice is obvious.
Friend of Chubby looks hurt. Chubby Interloper, predictably,
is fuming with disgust. She is shooting death rays at Tucker.
TUCKER (CONT'D)
(gesticulating like
Hacksaw Jim Duggan)
Mongo angry! Mongo smash!
CHUBBY INTERLOPER
You just totally blew your chance,
you know. There you were standing
by yourself when these two hot *
girls decided to talk to you-- *
FRIEND OF CHUBBY
What hot girls?
CHUBBY INTERLOPER
US!
FRIEND OF CHUBBY
Oh...yeah.
Tucker bursts out laughing. The girls get up to leave.
TUCKER
That was going to be my question *
too! WHAT HOT GIRLS?! God bless *
your overworked heart. *
CHUBBY INTERLOPER *
Ooh, another fat girl joke. That *
really cuts deep. *
TUCKER *
The only way I could cut you deep *
is with a battle axe and a running *
start. *
Tucker is completely taken with his quick wit. He turns to a *
group of dudes behind him to share the joy. *
88.
While he’s turned away from them, Chubby Interloper quickly *
plucks a bottle of Visine from her purse and dumps the *
contents into his beer. *
CHUBBY INTERLOPER *
(quietly to her friend) *
Thirty minutes, he’s gonna be in a *
world of pain. *
Tucker composes himself, turns back and takes a long *
satisfied pull from his beer. *
TUCKER *
(motioning to the girls) *
This beer has been brought to you *
by the number 10. *
Standing side by side, he bursts into laughter again. *
CHUBBY INTERLOPER *
At least I’m not out at a bar BY
MYSELF.
Chubby Interloper and her friend look at each other with that
"eww...pathetic" look. It stops Tucker’s riotous laughter. He
fumbles for something to say in response, but can’t respond
to their truth.
TUCKER
Fuck you, Fatty!!
Tucker walks off in a huff taking another pull from his beer. *
GIRL
Crashed and burned! Huh, Mav?
Tucker looks at her confused, and then sticks his nose in her
crotch and sniffs.
TUCKER
Slider, you stink.
ANGRY GUY
Hey man, back off. She’s with me.
TUCKER
I don’t know what you’re worried
about. This one should be in the *
bag. Only easy sluts make Top Gun *
references in public. *
ANGRY GUY
You need to get out of my face!
89.
Tucker puts his beer down and addresses only the girl. *
TUCKER
This your boyfriend? He looks like *
the type of guy who eats with one
arm guarding his plate.
He pushes Tucker to the ground and the bartenders separate
them. Tucker grabs his beer and careens into the line for the *
bathroom. He finds himself behind CONNIE, a fake-titted
blonde MILF with a ring on her finger.
TUCKER (CONT'D)
So, are you actually married? Or do
you just wear that to keep the
douchebags away?
CONNIE
No, I'm actually married.
TUCKER
How good is your marriage?
CONNIE
Good enough to keep me in it.
TUCKER
Then what are you doing here?
CONNIE
Girls night out.
TUCKER
C’mon, isn’t that just code for
“Let’s Get Drunk And Suck Off Hot
Guys In the Bathroom”?
CONNIE
Maybe for the girls you hang out
with.
TUCKER
Are you calling my mom a slut?
CONNIE
(laughing)
Does she know you talk like that?
TUCKER
Does your husband know you flirt *
with men you meet in bars? *
90.
Connie playfully pulls the beer from Tucker and takes a good- *
sized drink. He grabs it back and pounds the rest. The *
bathroom door opens and Connie starts to go in.
TUCKER (CONT'D)
You’re not going to invite me in?
CONNIE
There’s only one toilet. *
TUCKER
There’s a sink, isn’t there?
Connie pulls him in and shuts the door.
86 INT. BAR BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS 86
Connie is in the near stall. Tucker is pissing in the sink. *
CONNIE (O.C.) *
Do you always hit on women in the
bathroom line?
TUCKER
Only hot ones I want to sleep with.
CONNIE (O.C.) *
You think I'm hot?
TUCKER
Baby, you're so hot, if I were
dating you, I'd never leave the
house. I'd never even leave your
vaginal area, unless I was cumming
on your face.
Tucker finishes and zips up as Connie emerges from the stall. *
CONNIE
You think I’m gonna have sex with *
you? *
TUCKER
Please, I am going to hit it so *
hard, whoever pulls me out of you
will become King of England.
Tucker grabs her, pulls her into him, and swallows her face. *
91.
87 INT. HOTEL CORRIDOR ELEVATOR BANK - LATER 87 *
Elevator doors open. Tucker and Connie are in the exact same *
position as the bathroom; eating each other’s faces. They *
stumbled out of the elevator and down the hall. *
TUCKER
Your tits are so hot.
A loud gurgling sound emanates from Tucker’s abdomen and he *
grimaces with discomfort. *
CONNIE
Stop talking, you’re going to ruin
it.
88 INT. HOTEL ROOM - CONTINUOUS 88
The room is dark. Tucker and Connie barge through the door,
peeling clothes off, and turn on the light. A stronger wave *
of abdominal discomfort overtakes Tucker as one hits Connie. *
TUCKER
Wait. I have to shit. *
CONNIE
Let me go first. I’ll be quick.
Connie slides into the bathroom. Tucker pulls the bed covers
back, kicks off his shoes, and shimmies out of his pants.
Unnatural sounds begin to emanate from the bathroom as his *
discomfort continues to build. *
TUCKER
What are you doing in there?
CONNIE (o.s.)
Nothing.
Sounds of prodigious shitting fill the room, only adding to *
Tucker’s crescendoing pain. *
TUCKER
It doesn’t sound like nothing.
Hurry up!
CONNIE (o.s.)
I’ll be out in a second.
TUCKER
Turn on the fan.
Connie emerges from the bathroom and Tucker shoots up.
92.
CONNIE
(uneasy and hurried)
I don’t feel well. I’m gonna go.
TUCKER
What?!
Connie moves past Tucker to collect her stuff.
CONNIE
(sheepishly)
There’s something wrong with the
bathroom.
89 INT. HOTEL ROOM BATHROOM - SIMULTANEOUS 89
The bathroom looks like the lower 9th Ward after Katrina.
Brown shit water is spilling onto the bathroom floor and the
tank is gurgling demonically. It’s a sensory assault.
TUCKER
You clogged the toilet? You clogged
a motherfucking hotel toilet! What
kind of constipated meth-head bowel
movement does it take to clog a
HOTEL TOILET?!
ANGLE ON Connie shuffling past the bathroom...
TUCKER (O.S.) (CONT'D)
Those things are designed to suck
down third trimester shit babies,
and you clogged it?! Is this what
married life does to people!?
...and out the door unnoticed. He grips his abdomen and ass.
TUCKER (CONT'D)
Oh no. Where’s another bathroom?
Tucker dashes out.
90 INT. HOTEL LOBBY - MOMENTS LATER 90
Tucker bursts out of the elevator, looks around frantically,
and sprints to the empty front desk. It’s 4 am. He hits the
bell furiously for an obnoxiously long time until the
sleeping clerk comes out.
TUCKER
Is there a bathroom down here?
93.
FRONT DESK CLERK
Back corner of the lobby.
Tucker takes off, turns the corner from the front desk and
immediately realizes his mistake. The lobby is triangular.
TUCKER
Which corner?!
He spots a white door at one end of the lobby, quickly
waddles to it holding his butt cheeks together, and bursts
through the door.
JANITOR
AAAYYYY!!
It’s a janitor’s closet.
TUCKER
Where is the bathroom!?
JANITOR
Que? No, no hablo ingles!
TUCKER
WHAT?! Uh...uh...DONDE ESTA EL
FUCKING BANO?!!!
JANITOR
(pointing across the
lobby)
Alla! Alla!
Sixty yards away, a large "RESTROOM" sign hangs above a door.
Tucker breaks into a dead sprint and his boxers start to sag.
Thirty yards, his ass crack and legs get noticeably wet.
Forty yards, his boxers have slid down to mid-thigh. Ten
yards from the door, he’s covered in brown, viscous liquid.
Little specks hit the back of his head and ears as he runs.
91 INT. HOTEL LOBBY BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS 91
Tucker bursts in. He’s completely shit himself. He steps out
of his pink boxers, shit puddle in the seat, and flings them
blindly as he breaks into the first stall.
94.
92 INT. BATHROOM STALL - CONTINUOUS 92
Tucker plops down on the seat and immediately slides off. His
ass is covered in slimy, runny feces still spouting black,
viscous human waste. He flushes, it overflows, and he fumbles
out of the stall, sliding on his shit-covered socks.
93 INT. NEXT BATHROOM STALL - CONTINUOUS 93
Tucker collapses onto the seat until he finishes--exhausted,
dehydrated, and tearing up from the exertion. There's no
toilet paper. Tucker takes off his shirt but discovers it's
covered in little specks of shit.
94 INT. BATHROOM SINK AREA - CONTINUOUS 94
The large vanity mirror has a thick black streak from the
ceiling to the countertop where his boxers are crumpled in a
ball. He peels off his shit-heavy socks and flings them in
the direction of the boxers. One sticks to the mirror.
95 INT. HOTEL LOBBY - CONTINUOUS 95
Naked and covered in speckles of his own poop, Tucker slinks
out into the lobby.
TUCKER
Who else on this earth could be
having a worse night than me?
Laid out before him is a trail of his own feces. It starts
wide at his feet and gets smaller until it apexes at the
clunky white shoes of the small Mexican janitor.
TUCKER (CONT'D)
Sorry. I mean, uh, lo siento.
Tucker walks defeated toward the elevators. The Lady Janitor
is sobbing hysterically.
96 INT. HOTEL ELEVATOR - CONTINUOUS 96
Waiting for the elevator, Tucker stares at himself in the
reflective doors, looking into his own eyes and
face...disappointed. He exhales deeply as the elevator
arrives with a ding and the doors open.
Through the glass of the elevator as it ascends, Tucker sees
why the janitor was crying hysterically.
95.
There’s shit everywhere: on the couches, the walls, the
plants, everywhere.
TUCKER
God, I hope they serve beer in
hell.
97 EXT./INT. WEDDING CHAPEL - NEXT DAY 97 *
Dan and Kristy have their backs to us. The last groomsman is
not dressed the same as the rest, because he took Tucker’s
place at the 11th hour. They finish the ceremony and turn
down the aisle. Dan’s black eyes and swollen brows are
smeared in DermaBlend. Sweating from nerves, Dan’s face
looks like someone pissed on a chalk painting.
INT. TUCKER’S HOTEL ROOM *
Tucker looks a little bleary-eyed but he’s freshly showered *
and hastily yanking on his tuxedo. The room service menu is *
open on the bed and he’s on the room phone. *
TUCKER *
Yeah. Yeah. I know. I don’t care. *
The biggest one you got. ASAP. Now! *
Tucker hangs up as he zips his fly, done getting dressed. *
98 EXT. RECEPTION HALL - LATER 98
The banquet hall is beautiful. Large bay windows frame the
elegant wedding reception inside. It’s an idyllic scene
broken only by workers setting things up on the lawn.
99 INT. RECEPTION HALL - LATER 99
The maid of honor is finishing her speech. Tucker slides in
quietly and settles against the bar. He whispers something to
the bartender, who nods, and sneaks him some money.
MAID OF HONOR
And after that, I knew she’d met a
keeper. And I was right. I love you
Kristy!
Everyone toasts and politely claps. The BEST MAN, Dan’s *
brother, picks up the mic. He is sweating and nervous.
ANGLE ON Tucker at the bar. He motions to the bartender for a *
beer. *
96.
WEDDING BARTENDER *
Four bucks. *
TUCKER *
What?! *
BEST MAN (O.S.) *
Hey, I am Dan’s older brother. *
WEDDING BARTENDER *
Cash bar. *
TUCKER *
Who has a cash bar at a wedding? *
Tucker reluctantly pays as we ANGLE BACK on the best man. *
BEST MAN *
I’ve known him his whole life, and *
boy are my arms tired.
No response. ANGLE ON Drew, sitting at a table with Lara.
DREW
Bet that joke killed on his blog. *
ANGLE on Best Man.
BEST MAN
Uh, when Dan told me he’d met the
girl he wanted to marry, I couldn’t
believe it. Only a few short years
ago, he was throwing rocks at
girls, and now, he is putting one
on...her finger.
ANGLE on Tucker, standing at the back of the room.
BEST MAN (CONT’D)
I have known Kristy for a few years
now, and I couldn’t have asked for
a better sister-in-law. Here is to
my little bro and his bride.
Everyone toasts. Tucker walks to the front and takes the
microphone from Best Man.
TUCKER
(to Dan’s brother)
Gimme that mic, Sling Blade.
97.
TUCKER (CONT’D)
(into the mic)
Some of you may not know me, my
name is Tucker Max. Dan is my best
friend. Or at least was, until last
week when I took advantage of his *
kindness and loyalty. I forced him
into lying to Kristy, dragged him
two hours away, got him abusively
drunk, and then ditched him to
sleep with a midget stripper. I am
the reason that, on the most
important day of his life, Dan's *
face looks like a melted Barbie
doll's.
Kristy’s mother is nearly apoplectic. Dan, holding back his
building fury, scoots his chair out to get up, but Kristy
puts her hand on his leg to stop him and keep him seated.
TUCKER (CONT’D)
The worst part is that I didn't
know I was doing anything wrong. I *
was just doing what I’ve always *
done; which is pretty much whatever *
the hell I want. And to be honest, *
it's worked out pretty well for me
up to about 24 hours ago. When my *
selfishness finally caught up with *
me and cost me Dan’s friendship, *
and my invitation to his wedding. *
Drew and Lara look at each other.
TUCKER (CONT’D)
Still, I shrugged it off and went
out anyway. I won't bore you with *
the particulars but the long and
short of it is, I got drunk and
ended the night sprinting across
the hotel lobby, uncontrollably *
shitting my pants.
Gasps across the audience.
TUCKER (CONT’D)
No really, I crapped all over the
lobby. And following my selfish
pattern, I left the mess and went
back to my room like nothing
happened.
More gasps.
98.
TUCKER (CONT’D)
The only thing that prevented me
from passing out in a pile of my
own puke was all the knocking at my
door.
100 INT. HOTEL ROOM - LAST NIGHT - FLASHBACK 100
Tucker opens his hotel room door, to see the maid, eyes still
red with tears.
TUCKER (V.O.)
It was the hotel maid.
A mop and bucket in her hands that she thrusts at Tucker.
TUCKER (V.O.) (CONT’D)
Staring into her angry, overworked *
face, I had a moment of clarity: *
Someone else always cleans up my *
mess, and for the past few years,
it's been Dan.
101 INT. WEDDING RECEPTION - CONTINUOUS 101
TUCKER
At three in the morning, on my
knees, literally cleaning up my
shit for the first time in my adult
life, I finally understood what an
amazing person Dan is, and how
lucky I am...was...to call him my
friend.
Tucker turns to look at Dan and Kristy with real sincerity,
choking up a little.
TUCKER (CONT'D)
Dan, Kristy, I hope you can accept
my sincere apology. When I came to
your hotel room last night to say
sorry, I honestly didn't understand
what I was apologizing for. But
over the past 24 hours, it's hit me
like, well, like ten pounds of
slippery shit. I've been a horrible
friend. And even though I probably
don't deserve to have either of you
in my life, I had to come here to
tell you that and to ask you for
your forgiveness.
99.
ANGLE on Dan and Kristy, who look at each other.
TUCKER (CONT’D)
I know this will probably scare the
crap out of most of you, but I hope
to have kids someday. I am sure I
will only have daughters, and they
will all be vicious sluts who sleep
with assholes just like me and then *
throw it in my face. But such is *
karma. If one is a boy, though, I *
will consider myself a huge success
as a father if he grows up to be
half the man that Dan Smith is *
right now.
ANGLE ON the room. Expressions have softened, the room is
quiet, some still unsure what to think. ANGLE ON Drew and
Lara.
LARA
(crying)
That’s so sweet. *
Drew rolls his eyes. ANGLE ON Tucker, who has turned to
address Dan directly.
TUCKER
Dan, I have never thanked you,
never acknowledged you, never
really even thought about it. I
just took from you, dude. I’m *
really sorry. And for once, I want *
to give you something back.
Tucker motions to the bartender, who flips a set of switches
that pull back the drapes on the bay windows behind the head
table, revealing a huge bouncy castle on the lawn.
KRISTY’S MOTHER
Oh no.
DAN
OH YES! AWESOME!
The crowd erupts with laughter and applause. The children run
outside to play in it. Tucker sets the mike down and hugs
Dan and Kristy and they toast to the bride and groom.
102 INT. WEDDING RECEPTION - MONTAGE 102
Everyone is drinking. Guys and kids play in the bouncy
castle.
100.
Tucker dances with the grandma, flirts with girls, tells a
hilarious story as the center of attention. Drew refuses to
dance despite Lara’s seductive stripper moves.
103 INT. RECEPTION BAR - LATER THAT NIGHT 103
Dan, Kristy, Drew, and Tucker are standing at the bar at
the end of the night, ties undone, just the four of them.
They look content.
KRISTY
Tucker, I have to say, when you got
up there, I almost died. I had no
idea what you were going to do. But
that was a great speech.
TUCKER
Thank you. You deserve it. I owe
you and Dan.
DAN
Yeah, you do.
Kristy and Tucker hug.
KRISTY
I have to go check on the guests.
Kristy walks off.
DAN
So...did you really fuck a midget?
TUCKER
Oh yeah.
DREW
When she’s riding you, can you spin
her like a top?
TUCKER
I tried, but her vagina was too
shallow. Physics were all wrong.
DAN
Did you really shit the lobby? *
TUCKER
Oh yeah.
DREW
Did you really clean it up?
101.
TUCKER
Well, the maid did show up at my
room with a mop and a bucket. But
you guys have known me for many
years. What do you think Tucker
would do?
104 INT. HOTEL HALLWAY - LAST NIGHT - FLASHBACK 104
Tucker opens the door. The maid, eyes still red with tears,
thrusts a mop at him. He refuses it. She thrusts it at him
again. He pulls out a $20 bill. She refuses. He pulls out
another $20. She accepts them and Tucker closes the door.
105 INT. RECEPTION BAR - CONTINUOUS 105
DREW
I knew it! You don’t even do your
own laundry.
DAN
You didn't clean it up? You stand
up at my wedding, pour your heart
out, and it's all bullshit?
TUCKER
It’s not all bullshit. I don’t need
to actually clean up the mess to
learn the lesson.
DREW
I don’t even know why this shocks
me anymore.
Dan and Drew look at Tucker with a mixture of bemusement *
and amused disbelief. Before anyone says another word, a dog *
comes into frame, leading a CUTE GIRL toward the ballroom *
doors. It’s a seeing eye dog. The cute girl is blind. A beat. *
As recognition of the blind girl settles over the trio, the *
mischievous glimmer returns to Tucker’s eye and they see it. *
TUCKER *
I’ll be right back. *
Tucker breaks for the cute blind girl as we... **
CUT TO BLACK
MAIN TITLES & END CRAWL
^^ That's genre-defining comedy right there.
if you want to know who Tucker Max really is at his core just read his latest claim that HE LEAKED the lame script himself.
Of course he didn't. There is no value at all to leaking that script. Bend it, twist it, shake it, the logic will never be there.
He knows and admitted he ddn't leak it. We know he didn't leak it. The world knows he didn't leak it. Yet...
He now claims he leaked it. Really?
He's a delusional liar.
That's who he is at his core.
Liar, Liar, elastic shorts on fire!
Anonymous @ 11/19/2008 7:04 AM, that Connor X. parody was outstanding. Thanks!
Pretty much sums up Max's following & work to a T: http://www.avclub.com/content/feature/why_buy_the_cow_27_popular/3
finally somebody points out how corny and lame tucker's humor is. of course the onion "doesn't get it", i mean, what would they know about new media trends?
@ 11/19/2008 10:40 AM:
You're quite welcome.
It's amazing what you can find if you type "Tucker Max is a douchebag" into Google (without quotes, of course).
The internet knows that Otto is a liar and a doucebag.
Because the Onion satirizes popular culture. Outside of an ever-shrinking tribe of Internet dweebs, Tucker hasn't been popular in years.
Tucker's a liar.
I've read his whole thread about how he thinks IHTSBIH and Twilight have a common thread, and saw how he mentioned that he may or may not have leaked the script that was on Gawker.
I know he's a liar because I was ON SET WITH HIM THE DAY THE NEWS BROKE. He sort of laughed it off when the Script Reader woman broke the news of his awful script, although you can tell from his overall attitutde that he was a little pissed.
When the Gawker article broke, and people could actually access his shitty script, he hit the roof. That's when things between him and the crew started to disintegrate. He was outwardly pissed and was talking to his lawyer in NYC about suing Gawker.
Secondly, Tucker is lazy. He's lazy as all hell, and his toady Nils ended up doing the majority of the writing on the screenplay. There's no way possible that somebody this lazy would actually write a secret script that he'd distribute to throw people off of his movie.
Tucker, just for the record, you're lying to your fans. When they find out that you boldly lied to their faces, they will not be happy. You could have come clean (Like Bob Gosse recommended) and say that "most comedy scripts don't read as well as what's on screen", but you passed on some great advice and decided to lie.
It's all you do these days. You lie, you lie to yourself, you lie to your inner circle (who eat it up because they have nothing else) and you lie to your fan base (most of whom seem to have an idea that you're a liar).
As somebody who has worked for you, and has seen your bullshit poseur persona in action, I can only say, have fun while it lasts, when your shitty movie gets no (or minimal) distribution) and you don't make a dime while finding the doors of Hollywood permanently closed to you (who wants the headache that comes with your below average talent) you will have nobody to blame but yourself.
BWHAHAHAHAHAHHAA
Tucker let's us all know that he being linked from "the front page of Fark." (wow)
He'll show us how popular and cool he really is.
BUT....... His thread from FARK contains about 300 people saying either "WHO IS THIS GUY?" or "What an loser" or "I couldn't make it one paragraph through this guys writing" or "who is this guy again?"
http://forums.fark.com/cgi/fark/comments.pl?IDLink=4028855&sc=1
You showed us who's boss Tucker!
BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
The power word of the day is..
QUADRANT
;)
From The Onion:
"17. I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell (tuckermax.com)
I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell
A smirking god to legions of impressionable frat boys, so-called "humorist" Tucker Max has expanded his empire of amateurish, booze-fueled anecdotes to disturbing reaches: His website/blog attracts more than a million unique visitors per month, his book of "fratire" (ugh) stories I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell has been on The New York Times bestseller list for three years, and a (reportedly awful) film adaptation recently wrapped filming. A proudly self-proclaimed "asshole" and "raging dickhead," Max specializes in the sort of prose usually heard over beers at a college bar and accompanied by numerous high-fives. Still, his unabashedly crass, misogynistic writings have proven extremely popular, especially among college students—which wouldn't be troubling if they weren't so excruciatingly unfunny. (A sample: "On the way to her house, we stopped at Jack-in-the-Box. Don't ask me how she could eat that crap and still have such a good body… she wasn't a plus-size model, so I guess she was bulimic.") And yet a sequel to I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell, called Assholes Finish First, is on its way next year. High five, bro!"
Oh...
...man...
...oh...
...MAN...
...dudes!
Tucker is SO FREAKING AWESOME! Like, we all knew how he was really, really, very funny and SO cool and smart... I mean, DUDE! The guy drinks, like, ALL the time, and he's always laying really, really hot girls, and it's just SO COOL! And, like, at a party and stuff? YOu just never even KNOW what kind of zany madness Tucker's going to wind up doing!
But all of this expert analysis on the film industry and the future of his really profound and multi-layered artwork is just OFF THE HOOK!! I mean, I feel like I'm learning so much, just by studiously reading the substantial behind-the-scenes coverage on his revolutionary movie blog! Like, I ALWAYS used to stay up late at night, asking myself "What in the holy hell does a steadi-cam operator do? Is a steadi-cam some sort of nuclear-fission device, or possibly a water-refinement apparatus of some sort? I just don't know!!" But, then, almost as if he was some kind of otherworldly spectre, Tucker plucked this headache-inducing quandary RIGHT from the depths of my soul - and he ANSWERED it! It's just this sort of fascinating coverage that makes me feel REVOLUTIONARY every time I visit the movie blog! I guess that's why EVERYONE in Hollywood is always talking about his paradigm-shifting blog all the time... like, it's why nobody in Hollywood can stop buzzing about how Tucker's TOTALLY revolutionizing EVERYTHING, and that's why he's so awesome and funny and smart, and just really, really cool, and a total major cog in the entertainment machine.
It's hilarious that Tucker thinks that anybody actually gives a fuck about his idiotic bullshit:
"All of you are wrong.
Look, if you can't figure this out, that's fine, but playing the strategy game is annoying, especially when you guys have no clue what you are talking about. When it's all said and done, I will write about what happened, why, and what I was thinking at the time. Until then, just play at your level."
yeah, nobody gets it. nobody in hollywood gets it. no serious literary critic gets it. not even the geeky, awkward, emotionally-crippled message board posters get it.
tucker's so misunderstood. he'll show us though.
You know, I've been thinking.
Hell is probably some 36 year old guy pretending to be 33 while trying to pretend the piece of shit movie he just made on his life is actually something of artistic merit.
Hell is probably having to keep up this facade to his legion of fans while realizing you've pigeonholed yourself.
Hell is probably a lot like sitting in a room with a bunch of friends and explaining your myriad of failures on "people who just don't get it."
Hell is spending years pretending that your the person you write about, knowing full well that it's one big piece of bullshit, but then believing your own bullshit and having the spend the next couple of years trying to live up to what you put on paper.
Hell is trying to convince everybody that you're a nice guy after years of telling everybody your an asshole, but then getting outside your inner circle and finding out that although you are on your best behavior, people just don't like you.
Hell is probably a lot like having the lead actor (the one who portrayed the character of you) in your movie NOT returning your phone calls and pretending that he's on vacation. No wait, Hell is probably when you find out that actor is blowing you off when YOU THOUGHT YOU GUYS WERE TIGHT.
Hell is taking yourself too seriously and believing your own lies, the ones you once knew were untrue but forgot because you have a lot of rubes.. er... fans.
Hell is probably repeating this line over and over again: "You just don't get it." to everybody you meet (because they just don't get it).
Hell is lying to the people who financially and emotionally support your work and tell them that you planted a script of a fake project.
Tucker Max just made my dead pool, his life in retrospect sucks that much.
^^^^^^^^^^
Dude, Hell is going to be a fan who pays for IHTSBIH and realizes they've been had.
Y'all just don't get it, do you?
Idiots.
Tucker Max's beautiful, captivating, profound artwork is beautiful, captivating, and profound.
It's so much deeper than just drunk stories.
It's about the multitextured fabric of life, weaving together the very spirit of joy and freedom that...
Eh. Even I can't swallow it. Tucker Max is a joke. But he doesn't afraid of anything.
BCWoods traffic is up about 300% since leaving Rudius, and already Freak Safari generates more total traffic than all the rest of Rudius combined.
That's only with whoreonhold, BC's site and Ken's excellent site AND Freak Safari doesn't actively seek out it's writers, they come to where the quality is.
IF Tucker wants to talk shit about BC now, he can do it all he wants. The one thing that BC is too genuine and kind to admit is that once tucker saw the alexa rating of dunceuponatime in its prime, he called BC to see if BC was "ready to come back yet" and of course BC politely told him to fuck a sperm.
Alright, I'll admit it. I'm jealous of Tucker. I'm jealous that I've never shit my pants. I'm jealous that I've never gotten a girl pregnant and then paid for her abortion. I'm jealous that I've never experienced memory loss from drinking. I'm just really jealous of Tucker, and that's why I hate him. It's not like I'm just amused by the antics of an arrogant douchebag, or anything like that.
11:46, you've never experienced memory loss from drinking too much?
I sure as hell have, on more than one occasion! The other stuff, um, not so much.
But that's because Tucker doesn't afraid of anything.
11/20/2008 11:46 AM
Did someone accuse you of being jealous? I think most people who stumble onto this blog probably assume you are simply amused, as you say. But thats only because they don't know of the length and of the breadth of your knowledge of Tucker, they can't see that there is something a little more...severe, than mere amusement afoot here. It's not jealousy, but its definitely something - else.
Anyway, I think the lady doth protest too much.
Tucker is full of shit.
Tucker brags about getting Mark Ebner his big deal to host "Rich and Reckless" on TruTV. Usually this means that you get some sort of producer credit on the show.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1249248/fullcredits
It means that he's lying or he acted as an agent for Ebner to secure him to the show (which has lower ratings than most infomercials shown at the same hour). Ebner is represented by one of the larger agencys in LA, and they would never allow some novice to secure anything for their client. In fact, they'd pull the deal away from Ebner and drop him from their client roster if this occured. Since Ebner is still repped by the same agency, I can only say that:
Tucker Max lies again.
You guys are right. I do know quite a bit about Tucker. I read his stories and his book, after all. And it was funny. It was fun to laugh with Tucker, and it's also fun to laugh at Tucker. But I'm just saying that to cover up the fact of how jealous I am of Tucker.
i wish i was tucker max, surrounded by douchetards and douchebags and douchebaggery 24/7, in my empire of douche.
Did we ever find out who Azrael of Gaijin Smash is?
How many people actually post here? I think there are only two of us. There's me... I make all of the posts that you don't make. And there's you... you make all the posts that I don't make.
when are you guys going to realize that alexa ratings mean nothing?
i'm not defending tucker by any means, but alexa is useless as a gauge of seo/sem traffic.
@11/20/2008 1:19 PM
Hey, Think About Tucker Guy. Didn't I say, "Methinks the lady doth protest too much," to you a while back, in response to your attempt to hide the fact that you post here regularly? Your hypocrisy still makes me chuckle.
Not only are you hypocritical, you are irrational. 11:46 AM may be amused and nothing more. You are a presumptive ass to assume he must know a lot about Tucker.
just like twilight, when tucker's movie comes out, teenagers are going to be lining up for midnight showings all across the land.
haha.
hahahahahha.
hha.
ha!
girls will be screaming as fatass nihls walks buy with a bunch of pizza boxes, and tucker shows up the premiere in a tux.
hahah.
ha.
hahaha!
ha.
fanboys will be dressing up like tucker, just like goths are dressing up like vampires for the movie.
hahah.
ha. hahahah.
ha!
this movie will be as big of a hit as the guys that made Blur of Insanity (www.blurofinsanity.com).
I'm just sayin.
Tucker Max is a big fat bitch,
He's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world.
i am going to make a "tucker max is a douchetard" sign for the premiere.
i will let tucker hold it if he asks.
tucker max is a pretty cool girl. esh catty to people online and doesn't afraid of anything.
A Farker says:
A box office prediction model that gets millions a year for it's projections begs to differ;
http://movies.hsx.com/servlet/SecurityDetail?symbol=IHTSB
http://movies.hsx.com/servlet/SecurityDetail?symbol=TWLIT
TUCKER "OTTO" MAX = EPIC FUCKING FAIL
Good point about Alexa ratings.
Alexa ratings are only meaningful when Tucker brags about how well his web site is doing. Now that he's lost 80% of his audience, Alexa is no longer meaningful.
By the way, people who spend real money still use Alexa for guidance. While the absolute number is a guestimate, it does give you an idea of how a site ranks among competing sites, and it does give you a very good idea on how a site is trending, in terms of popularity.
On an anecdotal level, Tucker's advertising is limited to bottom fishers. How much money do you think he'll make from advertising fake absinthe ads, and other low volume, low budget, small advertisers?
Now look at the message board. It doesn't generate the post volume that it used to, and new memberships have slowed to a crawl. That all means less traffic. Tucker's revenue from the web is that user volume times the miniscule revenue per click-through.
Declining users * declining usage * low-budget advertisers * poor demographic audience = Crappy, Declining Revenues
But the business model is revolutionary!
@11/20/2008 1:19 PM
Hey, Think About Tucker Guy. Didn't I say, "Methinks the lady doth protest too much," to you a while back, in response to your attempt to hide the fact that you post here regularly? Your hypocrisy still makes me chuckle.
Not only are you hypocritical, you are irrational. 11:46 AM may be amused and nothing more. You are a presumptive ass to assume he must know a lot about Tucker.
11/20/2008 5:12 PM
I'll be totally honest and you can take it or leave it. I DON'T post here regularly, but I DO read here regularly. I check this blog everday in fact, read the new comments and go back to work. I'm not a hypocrite because I don't deny that I have an unhealthy obsession towards the posters unhealthy obsession with Tucker, which of course makes me the "saddest sadsack". I've said that numerous times but you don't absorb it.
As for being presumptive of his knowledge. Yeah, alright, but if someone feels compelled to defend their "amusement" with Tucker against unsaid accusations of jealousy I get the feeling they know more than they let on. They know all the little tidbits that the rest of you know like his friends names and rating scores and movie blog progress and every little thing Tucker has ever uttered or any little rumor you manage to scrape up from the internet. I'm partially familiar with some of those research details just from reading your comments. And, of course, you know I support it, because I realized that even though I don't actually get to reap the minutes and hours of your life and energy spent, even though I don't get to actually "feed" on it. I'm content in knowing that you are giving it up and that it floats off into the ether. Maybe the loss of my time can make you happy too. Anyway, just Keep Thinking About Tucker.
I know you will.
WCIAM?
I'm not jealous of Tucker.
I just want to chop off his head and then give him head as his body spasms.
It's ok, the "Think about Tucker" guy is actually pretty cool. Anyone who freely admits he went to a shit hole like Baylor for an MBA is either unpretentious (ha) or as clueless and socially inept as Tucker.
^ And that was covered like a year ago. So I cried out all my tears over the cruel and terrible things you said back then on that particular subject. It all dry up. Anyway haven't I repeatedly advised of my sad-sackedness, and my life sucks and I'm an idiot, blah blah blah. I'm also extremely poor, unemployed, sitting in my mother's basement, with no girlfriend and I'm probably a homosexual and blah blah blah. So anyway, way to dredge up the old hurtful. Champ.
Oh, and Keep Thinking About Tucker. But then, after this long, you don't really need to be persuaded, do you?
WCIAM?
Don't you guys get it yet? Tucker HAS to build everything up everything he does. He HAS to use words like 'revolutionary', 'genre-defying', and 'paradigm-shifting' to describe his shallow, silly stories and general behavior.
Why does he HAVE to constantly talk about how great he is?
Because nobody else is.
keep thinking about us thinking about tucker.
sometimes i take a moment off to think about fat fuck nils.
or kungfu mike.
but then i'm back to thinking about tucker, as he is the face of corporate douchetardery.
are we not allowed to criticize coporate douchebaggery anymore?
why all the thought policing from the think about tucker guy?
we know its you tucker.
Tatguy, maybe you missed this comment, but I had explained that what I know about Tucker comes from reading his stories and book. I'll admit, the gossip posted on this site is amusing too. So basically I'm a Tucker fan who happens to think that Tucker is a doucebag. Is that really so bad?
The Revolution is Revealed!
The revolutionary character is an asshole that remains an asshole with no redeeming qualities. This is what will revolutionize the industry: stagnation!
There is one major difference between my movie and those movies (aside from NO HIJINKS HUMOR, which I hate): The male characters are strong characters who act like real men in real life. And they don't finish the movie as pussies.
"There is one major difference between my movie and those movies (aside from NO HIJINKS HUMOR, which I hate): The male characters are strong characters who act like real men in real life. And they don't finish the movie as pussies. "
hMMMMM
Slingblade falls in love with a whore with a heart of gold and befriends her small child by sharing toys. No pussy there.
Tucker gives gay wedding speech about how he's changed and cares about people and wants to be just like his best friend, if his friend will ever gorgive him, that is. Doesn't sound pusssified to me ;)
Best friend gets a BOUNCY CASTLE and jumps up and down like a fag! nope. All man right there.
This movie makes Dirty Harry look like The Birdcage.
Tucker wins again!
"SATURDAY EARLY AM: First numbers show that Summit Entertainment's low cost blockbuster Twilight opened huge as expected because of heavy pre-sales with $35.7M Friday from 3,419 theaters, including $7M worth of Thursday midnight shows, for what should be $75M for its first North American weekend in release. "
So the Twilight books have sold millions, and by Tucker's logic the books have been shared and passed around to other people so that means 20,000,000 people have read Twilight.
Twilight has thousands of fansites and related fan blogs. People really care about the characters and have a strong emotional attachment. There are many secondary markets for merchandise and other Twilight related products.
As for IHTSBIH..
400,000 books sold according to Tucker's numbers, and that's including the ones he bought in bulk.
The book is a reprint on pre-existing web stories. Nice work ethic, T!
Tucker has THREE sites related to him. His own site, which he needs 37 people to monitor to remove the hateful negative comments, and TWO other sites that mock and expose him on a daily basis.
Anyone who actually sees or hears the real life Tucker are always amazed at how lame and uncool he comes across.
He should have hid behind the keyboard, but he knows better than us.
Yeah, I can see how Tucker's movie will perform exactly like Twilight.
I wonder if they're going to reshoot a new opening. It didn't work at the screening. I was there.
Well stated above.
The IMDB.com message board for Twilight is 257 pages deep.
The message board for I hope they serve beer in hell just broke past page 1. And all the posts on there are either made by Tucker or his mods and they are all defensive.
Easily a $50,000,000 opening weekend for Tucker's movie. It's not like he's ever done mean things to people to deserve negative karma. The guy is nice to dogs.
He also treats his assistants very well.
Wait a minute. He has assitants? HAHHAHAHAHAH --- FOR WHAT?!?!?!?
Why wopuld he need ONE let alone multiple assitants? Is he Bill Gates? Is he James Cameron? What could he possibly need assitance with?
"Where are my giant shorts?"
"I'll get them for you boss!"
"Where is the Wii control?"
"I think you're sitting on it, sir"
"Lift me up and get it. Now!"
Tucker Max rules! (but not in the way he thinks)
"NO HIJINKS HUMOR, which I hate"
It looks as though a woman is getting raped, until we discover she's deaf, and Tucker is just pleasuring her so well, she's screaming her lungs out!! NO NEED TO TAZE ME, BRO! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!
Yeah, the guy who gets locked up, and he rallies all the Mexicans (hahaha), but - get this - his Spanish isn't that good, so he keeps saying things that don't exactly make sense!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Tucker has a stomach problem, but he can't find the bathroom in time, so he has a crazy, zany accident all over the hotel lobby!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Tucker really wants to have sex with a midget, so he meets a midget stripper, and they have crazy, zany sex!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Tucker wants to show his best friend how much he care, so he gets him a wacky, crazy, hilarious BOUNCY CASTLE!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!
And let's not forget the classic scene - the one that was in the really well-written early draft of the script that Tucker himself leaked (eyes rolling), where Tucker accidentally gets pulled up on stage to strip - not knowing that he's stripping in, like, a gay way or something - all while Motley Crue's 'Girls, Girls, Girls' plays in the background!! HAAHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
No, sir, no hijinks here...
being tucker's assistant really means being his intern, which means you don't get paid, but you get good college experience!!!
high jinks or hi·jinks (hī'jĭnks') Pronunciation Key
pl.n. Playful, often noisy and rowdy activity, usually involving mischievous pranks.
Sounds like IHTSBIH to me. But what the fuck do dictionary people know, they don't have a NYTimes best selling book.
^^ Totally, broseph. Besides, Tucker's going to revolutionize the way we use words. Definitions are SO old-media, and they're on their way out.
Here is what Tucker Max and his group of clueless misfit followers fail to realize.
They are the bad guys.
Imagine watching the Karate Kid movie and instead of Daniel kicking Johnny Lawrence's ass in the final match, in Tucker's world the Kobra Kai assholes would win. They would cheat their way to victory with no redeeming qualities. At the end of the movie they would remain unlikable assholes. No one is rooting for them at all. Ever.
Well, that's basically what Tucker and his small group of asshole friends are. They are the Kobra Kai dojo. Only they can't see it for themselves. They swept one too many legs. The can read the Art of War everyday of their lives and they still won't win.
I hope their egos are not as fragile as they appear because I think a world of disappointment is coming their way.
"Gettum a body bag!" -- Indeed.
"Imagine watching the Karate Kid movie and instead of Daniel kicking Johnny Lawrence's ass in the final match, in Tucker's world the Kobra Kai assholes would win. They would cheat their way to victory with no redeeming qualities. At the end of the movie they would remain unlikable assholes. No one is rooting for them at all. Ever."
You gotta be kidding dude. I always rooted for Cobra Kai! Daniel was a little ho and his win in the kumate (sp?) was so bullshit because he's a whiny bitch the whole time and then miraculously wins. Whatever! On a side note I always rooted for Cobra against GI Joe and always favored my Cobra action figures over the GI Joe ones back in the day.
http://www.cobrakaidojo.com/
If you took an X-ray of Tucker's brain this is what you would see:
http://www.cobrakaidojo.com/gallery/cobrakai_allvalley/PDVD_110
;)
regarding above link, go to picture 45 in the gallery to see Tucker's soul.
the honest reviews are getting through at amazon.com:
http://www.amazon.com/Hope-They-Serve-Beer-Hell/dp/0806527285
well, how about that!
viacom must be running out of money to pay all the kungfu mikes to censor/remove the honest reviews written by real people.
R. Ferguson? Is there an R. Ferguson in here?
M. Robertson??
fark users do not approve of douche bag tucker tibor max. ha ha, tibor. faggot.
This French Guy's Amazon review of IHTSBIH:
http://www.amazon.com/review/product/0806527285/ref=cm_cr_pr_link_next_3?%5Fencoding=UTF8&showViewpoints=0&filterBy=addOneStar&pageNumber=3
A few chuckles, but otherwise forgettable.
If you want funny, Rabelaisian humour, try Jim Goad instead.
In answer to the prayer in the book's title...."I hope they serve beer in hell"....well, no Tucker, they won't. Didn't you see that sign over the entrance "Abandon hope all ye who enter here?" carved in flaming letters in stone by the finger of G-d no less?
Most other people in college had to read that in Expository writing 1A and figured that out already. Amazing. "Hope" and "Hell" in the same sentence. Proof positive of illiteracy and a squandered education.
Lulz. Otto, pwnt by a Frenchman!
Oh cute, so someone got my name somehow. Reverting to Orwellian tactics are we Tucker?
J. Meehoff? Is there a J. Meehoff in here?
Last name Meehoff, first name Jack??
I'm looking for Ben Dover.
All I know is Tucker and TATguy are the biggest douchebags on the planet.
Oh, no. Some guy knows some other guy's last name. Clearly, Rudius is bringing down the thunder, and all the land quivers in fear.
keep thinking about tucker while thinking about TAT guy. just dont mention opie and anthony plz!!!
Wow, those Rudius guys play hardball. When they get their first Humvee, they'll really be dangerous.
Two funny Tucker quotes:
"Trust me, the success of this movie will be seen as the fall of civlization not the other way around."
Really? The movie will be that important, huh? OK.
"The editor doesn't make decisions in a vacuum--they do it with constant feedback from the producers, esp in this case."
YOU ARE LOCKED OUT OF THE EDITING ROOM!
Burn.
Tucker: "Not only that, but for some reason people think that being good at one thing means you are good at other things. Not true. Being a great actor has no relationship with editing. They are completely different skill sets in every way. Its like saying someone who is good at basketball will be good at baseball. Maybe, but not necessarily."
Or, like saying someone who's good at puking and soiling themselves is good at making a movie.
Victory: burn.
I just realized, burn wins every time. Every time Tucker speaks, every time he posts.... burn wins. It's immediate and absolute. If only Tucker could have a 100% success rate like burn. Oh wait, he does if you consider getting burned 100% of the time to be successful.
Ooooooooooooh....... burn again.
I believe Tucker's Warcraft name is Flinty McBurn.
Also, he tried to sneak into the premiere of Twilight, and was turned away. Nice try there Flinty. Burn.
Tucker is a great man, who has accomplished more than his share of noteworthy deeds in his life.
His life is not a monument to the emptiness of hedonism and narcissism at ALL.
Plus, as a bonus, he doesn't afraid of anything.
We know you're reading this Tucker! And I know you are probably the one who got me fired! And the one who put that scratch in my car door! Damn you Tucker! Damn You!
So many comparisons were made between Otto and Jessica Cutler, the "Washingtonienne" (spelling??)...including on his self-glorifying website. Unfortunately, he never mentioned this:
http://abovethelaw.com/2007/06/breaking_jessica_cutler_files.php
Is there a T. Max here?
Is there a K. Mike here?
Is there a R. Holiday here?
Is there an unfunny, untalented, ugly man-faced broken failure of a human named B. unny here? TUCKER MAX FAIL!
^^ It's M. Boulerice, dude - not K. Mike. Let's be sure to use his real name around here - I heard he hates that.
Boulerice?? That fucking frenchie!!
iff i had to take a guess, i'd say that none of tucker's retarded faggot cronies know anyone's name. they just made up a name, then responded to it themselves with 'oh noes, someone knows my name!' dont believe the hype, kids. the dead giveaway is that if your name were exposed, YOU WOULD NEVER ADMIT THEY WERE CORRECT. bozo ass mongoloid tucker max, trying to fool the masses with your lies once again. OPIE AND ANTHONY BIOTCH
Tucker Max eats the dainty raisins in my flummoxed poop.
"Nils and the editor Jeff are always in the editing room, with Nils being the main creative decision maker. Bob and Sean are in there intermittently. I am almost never in there for two reasons:
1. I have no patience for this shit: Editing is a slow, laborious process and I just can't deal with sitting there for two hours going over five seconds of film. It literally drives me crazy, and as a result, I drive everyone else crazy.
2. We need an outside, but inside, voice: One of the problems with being in the editing room for so long is that once you watch a scene multiple times, you tend to lose perspective on it. More than once, Nils and Jeff (and Bob when he's around) will put a scene together, and it will have some obvious flaw that they don't see because they are so inside of it. I see it immediately and then once I point it out, they see it and fix it (if a fix is possible)."
Oh, okay... so, it's not that the Darko people and Gosse lost patience with you and told you to stay the hell out of the editing room, so they could try to salvage this train wreck?
Thanks for clearing that up.
sometimes at the emergency room the doctors lose perspective, after viewing so many cardiac arrests. luckily, tucker is sometimes available to give an outside perspective, and save a few lives. it is obvious to tucker, but the doctors sometimes just lose perspective.
^^^
Burn.
^^^Ottomatic burn.
Happy Thanksgiving to all. Even Tucker.
this movie is going go suck.
it will be a shitty movie.
congrats on your prior success, tucker. but after this movie, there's nothing else left for you.
being a 30 something alcoholic that still hangs out at frat houses has to get old for you, fast.
but hey, at least your stories were fun to read.......in 2004.
oh and I downloaded your book via torrents....it would have been much funnier if I read it in 2004, too.
change your name and go back to the law field.
BCWoods traffic is up about 300% since leaving Rudius, and already Freak Safari generates more total traffic than all the rest of Rudius combined.
That's only with whoreonhold, BC's site and Ken's excellent site AND Freak Safari doesn't actively seek out it's writers, they come to where the quality is.
IF Tucker wants to talk shit about BC now, he can do it all he wants. The one thing that BC is too genuine and kind to admit is that once tucker saw the alexa rating of dunceuponatime in its prime, he called BC to see if BC was "ready to come back yet" and of course BC politely told him to fuck a sperm.
I don't know how many of you like reading comedic stories online but I think this site called The Phat Phree is a pretty good one.
http://www.thephatphree.com/features.asp?StoryID=239&SectionID=11
TAT
hey there PhatPhree troll!
Go somewhere else, that site is about as washed up as tuckermax.com .
PhatPhree is a pretty cool guy. eh tries to market his old site on this blog and doesn't afraid of anything.
the internet is serious business. do you have stairs in your house?
anon ftw
a 30 something alcoholic ... who has lived with roommates for the past 15 years.
my new haircut was about 10000x better than 'my striped shirt'. you lose, loser. riding on tucker max's hater's coattails is probably not a good demographic for you. especially because you suck
So in no uncertain terms Tucker has stated that he and Nils are the authors of this film. Not Bob Goose. Tucker and Nils are the final say on everything. Bob was just hired to yell 'action' and 'cut'
From Tucker's site: "When I was making the deal for this movie, after Nils and I had written the script, that was the big thing I insisted on--he and I must be in creative control. Plain and simple, this is not the directors movie or the actors movie or the financiers movie. We are the primary creative forces, and everyone who signed on did so with the understanding that they were accepting our vision and working within it."
I wonder if Bob Gosse will take his usual 'a film by Bob Gosse' on this picture like he's done on all his past films.
A film by credit implies authorship
From Bob Gosse "(the film) It will still be my own voice, but an informed voice" (from http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=LffxaDxM06M )
According to Tucker they could have hired anyone to direct this. I guess Bob is just going to take the $300,000 they paid him and let the guys edit the film anyway they see fit. The director is not in the editing room on this one. Weird.
Has anyone ever seen a bob gosse movie? Anybody?
^^^ Niagara Niagara was pretty average at best. I thought that Robin Tunney's performance was comical even though she was being serious. Then again, Robin Tunney is an average actress on her best day.
Gosse seems more like a producer who fell into directing rather than somebody who has a story to tell. His director credits sort of run out after his company "The Shooting Gallery" went out of business.
My thoughts are that Tucker needed a "yes man", and Bob came in saying "YES" an awful lot. There's nothing aesthetically about Gosse's past work that seems to mesh with IHTSBIH.
Bob Gosse must be clinically retarded, because there is no other conceivable reason that he would work with a lying Mongoloid like Tucker.
4800
this is a repeat story and totally made up. nice try, Mcbeefsmoker.
SCROLL DOWN FOR RECENT TUCKER BASHING!!! YES!
The only problem is this: Tucker Max stories aren't true. He embarrassed himself on a satellite radio show (Opie & Anthony), after being exposed as a liar. From Wikipedia:
"On June 27, 2006, Max appeared on the Opie and Anthony show on XM Satellite Radio. After Max told his "Tucker Tries Butt-Sex" story, the hosts asked him about the video referred to in the tale. Max stated the tape was destroyed, which invited skeptism[16]. He also claimed that there was no police report for a collision discussed in his "Absinthe Donuts" story, casting doubt on its truthfulness. Max was then led to believe his headphones had broken. While Max's headphones were off, the audience was told Max was lying and later he was compared to author James Frey.[17] When leaving the studio, Opie threw his book at a window, meanwhile Jim Norton tore the same book to pieces. Max left the building, allegedly giving show producer Erik "E-Rock" Nagel the middle finger. No reference to the appearance can be found on Max's (heavily moderated) website."
In addition, here's a select post that summarizes only some of the inconsistencies and apparent lies within the Tucker Max short story collection:
"Just to get the record straight: A reporter tried to confirm Sushi Pants, and was unable to even find the restaurant Tucker seemed to be referring to, much less anybody who remembered it, despite the large crowd there.
The Buttsex story is full of many logical holes -- the major one being, it's so dark in the room that Tucker can't tell he's been crapped on, but somebody is still, supposedly videotaping it from the closet.
The Pepper Spray story is also logically impossible due to the construction of a pepper-spray canister and its safety cap -- you could lay on one all night and it wouldn't go off.
Tucker appears on the Anthony and Opie show, and completely lacks any of the brilliant sarcasm or cutting comebacks that he purports to have in his stories.
Tucker has pictures of himself at a party with Katy Miss America or whoever she was (although of course that doesn't mean he had sex with her) and pictures of himself with the girl who got "I Fucked Tucker Max" on her cooze. (Although the tatto should probably have been "I desperately fucked dozens of losers over the years, and Tucker Max was the culmination of it all").
Tucker has been unable to produce a police report for the absinthe donuts story -- anyone tried to find one? Surely, if an unindentified car crashed through the front of a shop, it would have made the papers.
^^^^^^
Here's Tucker's M.O. for disproving his critics:
1) Have somebody in your inner circle back up your story, although they clearly weren't at the place that the story occurred.
Ex: Of course it happened, just ask Bunny or Nils.
2) Claim to have proof of the event occurring. Tell everybody that "soon I will show you evidence of said story through blah blah blah." Then don't mention it again for months or years, and then claim in a future time that: "I showed proof to everybody".
3) Claim to have knowledge that only Tucker and his inner circle have, but you're just not cool enough or too stupid to comprehend.
example: "You are obviously too stupid to understand that this is how things work, but me and Nils understand everything."
4) If somebody has absolute proof of him being caught in a lie, decide never to do press with "stupid reporters" again. Call the reporter or DJ names while being backed up by your inner circle, then go to step 2.
This is exactly how Tucker conducted himself on his "Ask Tucker any question" thread. Not only was no absolute proof offered, it just showed him to be a thin skinned bully whose stories are now even more in question.
I'm well over 1000 posts in on his board, but I'm done with the TMMB and Tucker Max. Guy is a liar.
Not so sure why your guys posting here are jealous of Tucker Max. Face it, the guy took risks in his life that you don’t have the balls to do.
He spent three years in Law school and doesn’t even practice law. He never even passed the bar. That’s not only smart and logical, it’s also very gutsy.
He wrote stories on a website about illegally filming anal sex in the dark. He even had a buddy hide in a closet to film the whole event. All 100% true and proven! Top that assholes.
He drove a car into a donut shop. Not near it. Not next to it. INSIDE IT. Repeat, he drove a car through a wall of a commercial establishment and ran over tables.
He had the courage to tell two of the most powerful people in Hollywood to fuck off. Let’s see any of you do that.
He hates Mexicans.
He has shit in his own pants.
He admits to probably having sex with men. Read his own site.
He did a show on satellite radio with two other guys. He told true stories and said fuck like 1,000 times. All with a high-pitched lisp. Let’s see any of you do that. Did the satellite company ask for a follow up show? No fucking way. He hit the ball out of the park the first time. Only losers look backwards.
The man drank Red Bull when it wasn’t even available in the United States.
He appeared on a news show and said that he “petted” a dog. Whatever the fuck that means. He said it. I think that is true. Nice language skills lawyer bookworm.
He got literally slaughtered by an online blog called Gawker. I’m talking 100% ass-whipped. They played him like a flute and yet he survived. Even after they ignored him.
He has been exposed for posting fake reviews of his own books and having his low self-esteemed slaves spend 24/7 editing his wikipedia page and yet he still stands strong.
Well, he’s not actually standing. He hurt his knee trying to become a MMA fighter so that he could try and pin another man down on the ground while their crotches rubbed together. MMA is hard. But at least Tucker tried.
The dude got kicked off his own film set for 48 hours. Let’s see any of you try that.
Tucker turned down a $10,000,000 plus offer for his script? Think I’m lying? It’s on his site. $10,000,000 just for the script. Want a link?
Tucker created one of the most powerful online media communities called Rudius Media. It was a very creative and original idea. Ask the other hundred sites that did this before he did it and they will explain it better. Some of his Rudius employee made upwards to fifty to sixty dollars for six months work.
I am so sick and tired of beating the shit out of you anti-Tucker fans. You’re all just afraid of Tucker and the people we associate with.
Two last thoughts for you pussies.
The girl who carved a backwards B in her own face and blamed it on a black Obama mugger had Tucker as her top friend on her myspace page. Oh yeah, some other guy who snuck in a fraternity and raped a girl had Tucker as his hero on his myspace page. Want links? Let’s see anyone of you losers pull that off.
Also, Tucker recently stated that he read a 200+ page book written for teenagers when he was four years old AND almost a decade before the book (Hatchet) was published. It’s on his own side, fags!
Keep thinking about Tucker.
^^^ You know, for all the ego-stroking that Tucker gives himself about some alleged army of haters that prove his validity in the world, this blog is the only place where anyone shows anything more than a passing interest in him and his bullshit. And the post right above mine is a great summary of most of the issues that make us laugh at him (apart from issues with his character and personality, of course).
Tucker could respond to just this one post (the one above mine) and clear up ninety-percent of what he claims are lies and misconceptions. But he won't. Just like his silly attempt to 'respond' to criticism a few weeks back, which ended up being nothing more than a rehashing of the same old nonsense (re: BC Woods), and a sidestepping of EVEY OTHER criticism levied against him... the guy's a nobody, and y'all shouldn't waste your time on him. You're just feeding his fragile, underdeveloped ego even more.
Tucker Max is the George W. Bush of the literary word.
Hear me out.
Both Tucker and W. butcher the English language regularly. Their misuse and reinvention of words is a constant thing to behold.
W.: Misunderestimated.
Tucker: Petted
Both Tucker and W. regularly act on bluster, as though that is enough to make everything they say to be true.
W.: Told the nation that Iraq was going to nuke the USA, but then said he never said anything to the prior.
Tucker: Goes on a national radio show, tells the same story that everybody believes, gets called out on it, then erases everything about the radio show from his website.
Both Tucker and W. believe their legacies to be positive. Both believe they are actively "helping people" while doing horrible things to others.
Both Tucker and W have a small and shrinking fan base who are rabid about defending them even though that they are both proven to be liars.
Both of them may have fucked a tranny.
And he STILL hasn't debunked any of his own shit.
Anonymous (11/29/2008 3:35 PM), you are correct! Tucker Max did crash into that donut shop and knocked over tables and customers that were in the shop at the time. Tucker's so cool that he wrote his 100% true account and even managed to get off scot-free without having any charges filed against him.
Tucker Max is like George W. Bush because they are both children of privledge who stumbled onto their current careers through dumb luck despite a lack of talent.
^^^ Tucker has a career? When did that happen?
george bush became president of the US. tucker max is some douchebag with a website that no one cares about. not much in common there.
The whole Bush-Tucker comparison: fetal alcohol syndrome.
There's no use pointing out Tucker or Bush's contradictions to themselves, because they just don't get it. They're wired the way they're wired and that's that. The real tragedy are the followers who can't tell they're listening to someone who's broken. Cult of personality has had a long and tragic effect on history. Whereas Bush has inflicted incredible suffering, misery and death on others because fools listened to him, Tucker has managed to only waste the time of those around him. Thank goodness Tucker has no real power, and never will. Unlike Bush, he's just not rich enough to get past his own liabilities.
Viva la illusions.
I'm well over 1000 posts in on his board, but I'm done with the TMMB and Tucker Max. Guy is a liar.
11/29/2008 2:29 PM
No you're NOT done with him. You WILL continue to dig up facts about Tucker Max, and you WILL post them here. You WILL mix said posts with vitriol and sarcasm and you WILL do so for over a years time. You WILL claim that your interest in Tucker is based off of humor and is only a passing interest. You WILL yourself believe this. You WILL Keep Thinking About Tucker. WCIAM?
yo yo yo so tru story tucker fucked dis chick and came on her tits the end
^^^ Holy EFF. That's HILARIOUS! Somebody should write a book full of stories just like that one. Maybe they could turn it into a revolutionary movie of some kind. And Bob Gosse could direct it- ALL of the comedies THAT guy's directed have been HILARIOUS!
@10:13AM
That was the creepiest fucking post I've ever read here. You are weird.
^^^creepy and 100% accurate.
It took me awhile but I finally understand. I would mention Tucker Max to people and they would give me blank stares, never "oh wow, I love that guy" or "what a douche." Blank stares. Complete lack of comprehension. Not only did these people not KNOW who Tucker Max was they didn't CARE! Because he is a nobody. Except for the people on his board and the people on THIS board, NOBODY CARES ABOUT TUCKER MAX. He has achieved more success than me, sure. But he's still a nobody. He'll never be anybody and we shouldn't care about him at all. But I do. I fucking hate that guy so much.
Because I'm jealous. He's Tucker Fucking Max and he doesn't afraid of anything.
Don't mess with Texas? Fuck that, don't mess with Tucker Max! He's an alpha male, and he doesn't afraid of anything.
Alpha male? Fuck that - I love Alpha Bits cereal. It's crunchy, and slightly sweetened, and... yes, you guessed it... it
DOESN'T
AFRAID of
A
NY
THANG.
alpha males dont meet girls on the internet. that is called desperation. he cant get laid in real life e.g. the mtv special that he had a 10 minute part in. he sucked and didnt get pussy.
Tucker
doesn't
afraid
of
anything.
Because I'm jealous.
11/30/2008 9:32 PM
You are NOT jealous. There is NO need to sarcastically say it, because there is no one to defend against. No one actually believes you are jealous. No...its something else. WCIAM?
i hope matt czurchy has a day job.
I'm the guy who wrote the post including "Because I'm jealous." I don't know what WCIAM stands for and I'm not going to go back through the 4000 posts and find out.
WCIAM = What could it all mean?
TATGuy, think about us thinking about Tucker.
unless i miss my guess, what it all means is that tucker max is a douchebag.
^ Well duh. It's in the title of the blog!
remember the guy that tucker was all gung ho about Mixed Martial Arts? he would post training updates? Remember how long that lasted? Approximately 6 days. Nice follow through, buttsexth. internet alpha male giveth, then taketh.
(***typo* plz dont make me a meme like 'doesnt afraid of anything'***)
remember the time that tucker was all gung ho about Mixed Martial Arts? he would post training updates? Remember how long that lasted? Approximately 6 days. Nice follow through, buttsexth. internet alpha male giveth, then taketh.
Remember the guy that BCWoods' alexa ratings totally trashed Tucker's site? Also remember the guy that IamRob set out to destroy Tucker and will succeed just prior to the movie's release. Whoooooops did I let that slip. Sorry Banhammer.
remember that time tucker was a douchebag?
remember that time tucker hyped his appearance on opie and anthony for 6 months, and then he went on their show and they totally made fun of him for lying? then tucker deleted all references to opie and anthony on his website? and his message board? and wont answer questions about what happened? oh wait, here is the interview: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mAbreeMofRg
buttthex?
tucker max is a beta male with a failed d-list internet celebrity career founded on lies about things he wished he did but never really did.
Even Tucker hates his movie. It's going to fail worse than Mr. and Mrs. Smith.
LOL @ Ken and Havoc.
Viacom to cut 850 jobs, freeze some raises in 2009
Viacom to cut 850 jobs, freeze some senior level raises in 2009; expects 4th-quarter charge
http://finance.yahoo.com/news/Viacom-to-cut-850-jobs-freeze-apf-13744514.html
I wonder if they'll still have $$$ to fund the ryan hollidays and kungfu mikes.
The decline of douchebaggery hath commenced.
It's going to fail worse than Mr. and Mrs. Smith.
At least that movie gave fanbois images of Angelina in lingerie to jerk off to.
What can Tucker offer? Washed-up Traci Lords and The Bunny.
"Once the movie is out and it's all said and done, we will release the original assembly, the director's first cut, the second cut that we showed to the first screening audience, this cut, and then the final cut. It'll be like a mini-course in movie editing."
~ T-Max
I worked at Borders as a second job last Christmas for extra money, and I ended up sticking around for a while because I have a sick thing for working retail.
Anyway, I still read, from time to time, this borders employee blog (for the same reason I read this one: it's funny and angry) and there was a whole thread about things that people hate. This comment stuck out (and no, it wasn't me, I would probably have spelled combust as one word):
"i really wish twilight would disappear off the face of the planet. oh and tucker max's i hope they serve beer in hell which we get in stock by the thousands. if someone asks me if how great i think the book is i'm going to spontaneously com bust"
And in the meantime, Tucker Max and the Douchebag Brigade just keeps truckin' on.
"A unit could be shooting in Africa, another in New York and an editor could be uploading a cut for the director to approve in New York. The interconnectivity of the film world is going to really fundamentally change the Hollywood paradigm. Of course, Hollywood adapts about as slowly as is humanly possible, so we'll see."
Apparently Greg suffered a little brain damage from getting choked out. How fucking stupid is this guy? "holy shit, you can shoot in two different places at the same time. IT'S A FUCKING PARADIGM SHIFT, EVERYBODY PANIC!!!"
How fucking stupid is this guy? "holy shit, you can shoot in two different places at the same time. IT'S A FUCKING PARADIGM SHIFT, EVERYBODY PANIC!!!"
LOL! When I read this I pictured someone running fast in a small circle!
"To that end, we want to identify and reward the fans who spend the most time here, who interact with us the most, and who like our art the most. The email list will be used to offer fans things before they are introduced to the general public, to release things early (like trailers), and to just be cool to the people who like our art."
OK, I usually just lurk here and laugh because I know what a lying sack of shit douchebag Tucker is, but that line above just moved him to a whole new level of idiocy.
I'm a relatively successful writer, and to be honest the most popular stuff I write is the juvenile crap I produce. I'm not proud of it, but I know what it is-it's juvenile humor and it's easy to spit out. And it pays well.
But this guy is so delusional he calls his film and writing "art". That's like calling the "Revenge of the Nerds" sequels "art." It would be funny if not so tragic.
I had a roommate in college who was a pathological liar. He was a great guy, but his lying was just embarrassing. But here's the thing about truly pathological liars:
They actually believe that the lies they tell are true. My roommate actually believed the stories he weaved even though we could prove they weren't true.
He had stories about fighting in Iraq and having his "best friend" get shot next to him. He told it all the time to everybody. But he NEVER EVEN WENT TO IRAQ. I was with him the whole time in Florida, but he would even tell me the stories like I didn't realize he had never gone. I called him out on it several times, but two weeks later, here came the stories again.
You can tell by his behavior that this is exactly what Tucker does. He is EXACTLY like my old roommate.
So much so, that I know he's reading this right now and saying "Pssst, I'm not like that." And he sincerely believes it.
Tucker, it IS you.
YOU ARE A PATHOLOGICAL LIAR. FIGURE IT OUT. LOOK IN THE MIRROR. NO ONE BELIEVES ANYTHING YOU SAY.
^^Nice post.
You know, it's one thing to make your living telling silly drunk stories or whatever. I think the stuff is bawdy and lowbrow, but whatever; some people like it.
But Tucker, being Tucker, can't live with the thought that he's just some guy telling silly stories. He HAS to proclaim that what he does is art - it HAS to have the luster of something grand and epic, because otherwise, Tucker will have failed at being important, which is the most important thing to him.
That's why he's adopted this 'new media paradigm' way of thinking - that success isn't measured by the intrinsic value of something, but by how many fans it has, how many dollars it pulls, how big of a controversy it is, etc. etc. etc. He truly doesn't understand that the only reason human civilization is what it is, is because of those men and women who recognized that real goodness, beauty, and substance are only achievable by discerning what is truly good in the universe, and striving after THAT, public reception be damned (yeah, it's Plato, but who cares? He was right.)
Tucker's becoming a postmodernist and he doesn't even realize it.
Ultimately, what it comes down to is a difference in worldviews. Do we 'be what we are', or do we search the world to see if there's something BETTER than what we are, and strive after THAT? Tucker's tendency is to think the former way, yet he doesn't realize that, by trying to be successful, he is implicitly proving that only the latter way yields anything of lasting value.
tucker hypes and lies and debacuhes for viacom money.
we tell the truth for free.
that is why this blog is lasting art, while rudius and all his words/films shall soon be forgotten.
were it not for all the duke/u of c/viacom ceos/presidents bankrupting this country, tucker would not be.
he can't win on a level playing field, but only with back-room banksters funding his crusade to kill culture and morality.
^
"that is why this blog is lasting art..."
I don't know if you'd call it art per se, but some of the stuff that's been posted here over the years is funnier by far than anything that Otto has ever invented and/or stolen.
So they call it ART on purpose? Is that an inside joke or something that they go out of their way to say to piss people off?
Who is Otto?
Yes Greg, people are going to send footage of a movie before it's made through the internet. The internet which is known for piracy, spiders caching pretty much everything that isn't on a SSL, hackers who many people would have people pay thousands of dollars to get a leak from to upload to their own sites or distribute.
Do you really think they would take that risk with that kind of money? I mean do you even have an IDEA of how easy it is to fuck up a server on the internet? And I don't know what kind of director (besides Bob Gosse maybe) who would want to take shots in a location he isn't present for, but I bet that movie turns out really well!
I think you guys are silly.
Can someone explain what he is saying here:
"In the case of the movie, a "song" as you refer to it would be a line or a scene that Nils and I wrote. There are many scenes we wrote which haven't changed one word since we the first draft, they are that good. But the whole thing, the "album" has to be curated and edited and assembled and that takes a lot of time, even if it is made up of lots of single euraka moments that only took one go to get right.
Test screenings can be unreliable indicators of what is and is not funny. You can't create art by committee or by polling data. We look at it, we evaluate it, but we aren't slaves to it. Just because something was funny in the first screening doesn't mean that it won't be even funnier if we make it better. And we have to consider the audience when evaluating their reaction--if the audience skews very young, and a very intellectual joke falls flat, we aren't going to rush to change it because it probably went over their head. Just like my stories are funny on many levels, so is this movie. Not everyone will get every part, nor will they need to. There is enough for the idiots to love it, there is even more for the average person to enjoy, and there is a much more subtle third layer of humor for the very perceptive.
All that being said, I will say that many times, Nils and Sean have lost perspective because they've seen a scene too many times. I will come in and see it fresh and realize that they are totally overthinking something that they've been obsessing on. That's why we have different people with different responsibilities, as well as test screenings. All are data points, and we use each one to try to triangulate to find the best movie."
Thanks in advance.
Okay, I'm going to try and figure out what Tucker is saying. Here goes..
WHAT TUCKER SAID
"There are many scenes we wrote which haven't changed one word since we the first draft, they are that good."
WHAT tUCKER MEANT
"There are scenes we wrote and fell in love with. We will not chnage these scenes ever, even if they seem out of place and don't help move the story forward. We know better than anyone else. This is probably why we'll fail"
WHAT TUCKER SAID
"Test screenings can be unreliable indicators of what is and is not funny. You can't create art by committee or by polling data. We look at it, we evaluate it, but we aren't slaves to it."
WHAT TUCKER MEANT
"We got a 95 score from our own friends and we are very excited by this data. Everytime we say the word art when refering to this movie we are simply reminding you what a flaming pile of crazy cockheads we really are. We don't trust anything that goes against the outcome we have already planned."
WHAT TUCKER SAID
"Just like my stories are funny on many levels, so is this movie. Not everyone will get every part, nor will they need to. There is enough for the idiots to love it, there is even more for the average person to enjoy, and there is a much more subtle third layer of humor for the very perceptive."
WHAT TUCKER MEANT
"Not to judge my own art, but mine is awesome. Some people are too stupid to get the very funny stuff I wrote. I hold my audience in the highest reagrds, even the fucking idiots. There are plenty of jokes in the film that are so funny it will take the average viewer three years before they laugh. But they will laugh, just, like, three years after they see the movie."
WHAT TUCKER SAID
"All that being said, I will say that many times, Nils and Sean have lost perspective because they've seen a scene too many times. I will come in and see it fresh and realize that they are totally overthinking something."
WHAT TUCKER MEANT
"Nils and Sean are not as smart as me. Often I have to fix everything they do. I am not in the editing room for two reasons. One, I can't do it. Two, when this film crashes and burns I can point out the fact that "I didn't edit it." I will then write a blog about 'life lessons' and why you should always edit your own movie."
WHAT TUCKER SAID
"That's why we have different people with different responsibilities, as well as test screenings. All are data points, and we use each one to try to triangulate to find the best movie."
WHAT TUCKER MEANT
"Altough I pointed out in my first sentence of this point that test screening are unreliable and we don't create our art by committie or data points, we have decided to do test screenings and use that data collected from committies to change our movie. We use this data to triangulate. Yeah, you read that right. We triangulate. I don't even know what that means. Now if I don't get some cock in the next five minutes I am going to punch Bunny in the face like a man."
That make sense?
isn't it funny how when matt gets off the plane he's still ok cool, but by the time he hugs the dude in the fat suit, he's a douche:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HDm6Rhsx2aQ
^ "I didn't know you guys were gonna be here! Wooooo!"
lollerskates. I'm not going to waste my time comparing his drafts, but I only recall four scenes that didn't get killed or drastically rewritten:
1) tucker shitting his pants
2) the bachelorette party
3) hitting on the waitress
4) the McGriddle piece (which had to be cut anyhow)
Oh, also, tucker's stories are only funny on two levels. One of them is from people that were there and laugh at anyone who believes it.
Tucker says:
"Asking for more is not unreasonable; we plan to so something like what he is asking for, but only AFTER the movie is released. Doing it before is not possible--you can't take a scene out of context and show it to an audience, b/c it ruins the finished product. If they haven't seen the whole movie, then they will judge the whole thing based on something very small and make the wrong assessment usually. You can only judge a movie by the final product, not by piecemeal examination of the constituent parts before you see the final product.
This is something that those of you who read the "script" leaked on Gawker will learn first hand."
So when actors go on Leno and show a scene from their upcoming movie, that's not good marketing; ooh, no, it ruins the movie. Shit on a shingle, these people are assfucked.
I guess Tucker's not going to do a trailer either.
Tucker's so revolutionary, he's the only one talking about how revolutionary he is.
If his movie comes out and does well, it'll be yet another example of Hollywood cashing in on the lowest common denominator - sex jokes and scatology jokes that appeal to the braindead youth of America.
How is this revolutionary?
^ It's revolutionary because Tucker writes about it on a website. He has, like, revolutionized the entire advertising model.
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