The story below was copied from a
Facebook.com account. A link to this story in the comments to an older post awhile ago.
Tucker Max's face, meet Megan ******'s hand
Megan was discussing ball shaving with a nice man at a tailgate. Good start to this story;) NE ways, Tucker Max was also at the tailgate and started talking shit to Megan (he obviously thought she was a hot girl who would sleep w/ him if acted like an asshole, and he was showing off in front of his buddies). Megan hit him on the arm, and he said that meant Megan wanted to fuck him because if she hit him in the face, then he'd know she was mad. She then dissed his elastic waistband (yes, he was wearing elastic waistband shorts, what is he, 12?), and he said "its so stupid bitch whores like you can suck my dick without any confusion." So she slapped him in the face!!!
Tucker threw his drink at her, Candice threw her drink at Tucker with lightning fast reflexes, then he proceeded to grab Megan by her hair and hit her in the face with his pathetically small hands. With a bruised face, and a bruised ego, he took his shriveled penis back to his buddies.
In Tucker Max's own words, "My name is Tucker Max, and I am an asshole." Oh, and he hits girls.
15,918 comments:
«Oldest ‹Older 8201 – 8400 of 15918 Newer› Newest»raptor jesus is no longer amused
Personally I love the way tugger mocks fat women, when he himself has bigger tits than half of them; not to mention smaller hands and a lesser height! Hilarious!
Maybe his next failed endeavor should be transsexual cabaret 'girl'
poasty mcpoasterpoast poasts a poast
"That Tucker's posse of internet retards has shown up is oddly satisfying.
Dude, what happened to us giving you fantastic, free publicity?"
Seriously, like dude, you guys on this site give his 'movie' $10million OF FREE PUBLICITY AT LEAST!
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA,
What is Raptor Jesus? Is that like Jesus crossed with a velociraptor?
If so: awesome.
What is Raptor Jesus? Is that like Jesus crossed with a velociraptor?
If so: awesome.
When people criticize Rock of Love, Bret Michaels says they don't understand his art.
Read script today for the first time. I've been a hater here for ages but I must say the script is WAY better than I ever thought. And that's considering I never thought it could be as bad as I would have imagined.
Even done wrong this movie is going to be better than I expected. I'm not so sure of total failure now myself.
I credit Nils with the parts of the script that were actually good however. The parts that seek of Tucker are lame as can be expected.
I'm a long-time fan of Tucker Max, and I did enjoy reading the obviously fictional stories on his web site (why pay money for the book when you can get the stories for free). Anyway I was really excited about seeing the movie, up until Tucker cast Matt Czuchry into the title role. Tucker went on and on about how Matt Czuchry was just like him, which made me recoil in horror. Matt Czuchry is so obviously gay, it made me realize that the rumors are true: Tucker Max is homosexual, and created his character to laugh at all the clueless straight males who believed his bullshit stories. The dead giveaway is in the trailer, the way Matt Czuchry carries himself like a caricaturized heterosexual male, yet maintains the subtle mannerisms of someone who can’t hide being gay. Supposedly Tucker is going to announce that he is gay later this year.
"What is Raptor Jesus? Is that like Jesus crossed with a velociraptor?
If so: awesome."
I agree. Jesus Crossed with a Velociraptor. I'm gonna use that at the next party I attend.
Raptor Jesus is a pretty chill dinosaur. He died for our sins and doesn't afraid of anything.
NOWHERE INTHE BIBLE DOES IT SAY THAT JESUS ISNT A RAPTOR
Googling Raptor Jesus comes up with some interesting images.
Tucker fans are so retarded they belong on death row in Texas.
"Seriously, like dude, you guys on this site give his 'movie' $10million OF FREE PUBLICITY AT LEAST!"
$10million? Did you write that comment as a joke? We can push this movie up to $150billion. Easily.
This movie is gonna play in other DIMENSIONS, brah. It's a REVOLUTION. Just picture this: You're watching this movie in DC, and Hitler's watching it in a parallel-fucking-universe. We're opening on FIFTY MILLION SCREENS. Trust me.
"Raptor Jesus, roamed the Earth circa 90,000,000,000-65,000,000,000 BHC (Before Human Christ). He was born when God Himself was still only a teenager. His execution is thought to be the cause of the extinction of the RaPtOrOsaAuRs, as God was mad at the Romans for aiding in His son's death twice, and was also mad that he missed Oprah that day. (See Romans 8:∞.) He earned a bachelor's degree in microelectronic engineering at RIT. Raptor Jesus is the be-all, end-all."
Hilarious...I'm gonna have to get a T-shirt, which they sell with Raptor Jesus on it.
http://uncyclopedia.wikia.com/wiki/Raptor_Jesus
In the "uncyclopedia"...laughing really hard right now.
Hey normal people, we could all head over to Cockly's other blog. Won't post the URL but hopefully you all remember it.
Why has the trailer been taken down from youtube and the ihtsbih channel?
1:43
Maybe the taste police did it.
It looks like an American Pie straight to dvd series.
It could be entertaining and do Tucker Max well but you cant live off one marginally successful movie
What will he release next? He pretty much borrowed lines from all the stories in his book to write the script.
He can only write penthouse letters and hes 34 or whatever, he'll disappear along with new coke
The theater booked for Boston is the Loews Harvard Square theater in Cambridge. This is the same theater (pretty much the only one) that showed indy movies like The Wrestler. At least that's where I had to go in order to view it.
The theaters themselves are rather small. I'd be surprised if he can fit more than 200 people in there, 250 tops. It's just not that big.
I am now going to be curious to see how the reactions are to this movie and also to the theater ticket and DVD sales, both of which are a lot easier to track. No more making up numbers or talking about # of DVD's that were printed; now we'll actually know what the sales were.
Tucker picked the wrong side of the Charles River, as he'd probably draw more strongly from the likes of Wentworth and Northestern rather than MIT and Harvard. But then, I think the Loews Harvard Square is quite tiny. It wouldn't take many kids to fill that theater. Sounds like Tucker is playing it safe by selecting very small theaters.
"The apartment is dark and spartan. Aaron is slouched down in
the room’s only chair, in front of a meticulously organized
media center, playing a Grand Theft Auto-style game."
From the script...this is where Tuck continuously messes up in his stories. He can't even remember when shit happened in the real world as he is telling them.
In this segment of the script, he is 24, the same age as when he met Slingblade. Yet Slingblade is playing a PS2 and now in his script, GTA.
Yet again, Neglecting that in 1999 when he met Slingblade, PS2s were not available. Nor was anything resembling GTA on a console. (Well, Ok GTA on Sega Dreamcast, but not GTA we all now know)
But this is typical of Tucker. Once you start shining facts onto his stories they collapse in a heap of nonsense.
I'm in favor of limited FUCK YOU BANNED for this comment section. There is a lot of brilliance and hilarity buried within, and these deserve to be showcased somewhere for all Tucker eternity (i.e. the remaining five months before he is forced to work a service job in LA), not obscured by the recent off-topic idiocy and comments obviously by Tucker or Holiday.
Would anybody relevant really complain if Cockly just deleted the random comments? Any spirited defense of Tucker (if any such posts exist) should remain.
Just saying.
- Former and possibly future poster of occasional anonymous brilliance
"A beat."
This shit is all over the script...is this supposed to be a drum roll after a jokes been made?
Hmmm...
ultra slow ticket sales!
http://www.ihopetheyservebeerinhell.com/tour/
only a couple cities with tens of millions of inhabitants managed to sell a few hundred seats. haha ha ah. not even san francisco nor san diego nor seattle sold out! and yet quite a few people live there....
san francisco--berkely, stanford, and millions of tweeters/facebookers/myspacers. and no soup for you! ha ah aha ah ha.
$10 * 300 = $3000. the theater gets half, leaving gas money for the bus, but probably not for the private jet.
amazing that san francisco didn't find a couple hundred fans for a single showing.
boston? not enough to fill a single theater for a single showing.
raleigh/durham/chapel hill? "who is tucker?" they ask in duke's own back yard.
tucker's very own florida? can't sell out single theaters for a single showing!!
san diego? not enough to fill a single theater for a single showing.
toronto didn't find a couple hundred fans either.
contrast this with movies which sell out entire weekends in smaller cities, while playing in dozens of theaters.
slow ticket sales for douche!
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1220628/board/thread/144509359
You know what's funny? The local theaters don't even bother advertising the movie. Check out Living Room Theater (Portland) and Landmark Films (Seattle). Neither theater even mentions "Beer in Hell" as an upcoming film.
If this is really a revenue sharing agreement, wouldn't the theaters have an incentive to at least post the movie? I get the impression that Darko bought all the tickets for a single showing. That explains both the silence, as well as why these theaters are so damn tiny.
Can't wait for a couple weeks to go by and Tucker decides "Fuck it!" and buys up all the remaining tickets to show "interest" in his shit-giggle of a flick.
BALONEY
DON'T TAZE ME BRO
I really like the spin Tucker is already putting on this cross the boards mega-bashing of how bad this trailer is. It really is painful. I showed five people the trailer with no warnings or opinion. They all said "what the hell is this shit" or some variation" One said "is this a real movie?"
He claims the hate gives him a hardon? No one would be happy to get that much instant thumbs down reaction. I have never seen anything get this much negative and mean-spirited comments from strangers. I feel bad for the dude.
I've exhorted Tucker Max's ego to change his ways and try to become a normal, morally average person, but bitch just won't listen. So I convinced him to make this movie and this tour. My hope is that its apocalyptic failure will convince him that he's just a normal person which will thereby allow him to understand morality in a less deviant way.
I've tried to convince Tucker Max's ego to drive his car through a donut shop and to punch his dad, but instead he just makes up shit and says he did what I said.
But he totally didn't, brah! Makes me want to make him punch himself.
dont taze me bro
Spelling actors' names wrong CLEARLY invalidates everything else someone says. That's LOGIC, see?
Hey, did you know Magic Johnson has AIDS?
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Tucker has never been able to deal with the argument behind criticisms of his work. See: ScriptReader, Gawker, and now a bunch of others. All he can come up with is an ad hom attack or two, or correcting someone's grammar. What a tool.
FROM YOUTUBE comments page--
"Dammit Tucker, you just made me ruin my favorite pair of shorts!"
Really? You shit in your pants after watching that?
Is Tucker somehow through technology like tracking IPs showing a DIFFERENT trailer to the non-haterz?
“Trailer is up, premiere tickets are officially for sale
August 4, 2009” (DECONSTRUCTED)
In this fucking episode…. Holy fucking shit! I’m fucking right? Fuck yeah, I’m right!!!! Fuck, It’s fucking horrible!!!
(In honor of his “leaked” trailer, I’m going to say “fuck” a lot, only it will still be with more reason than when used in IHTSBIH.)
“Here we go, without anymore delay, watch the trailer:”
When does the hilarity ensue?
“I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell, Green Band Trailer
After you watch it, buy tickets for The Premiere Tour.”
Fuck you bitch. You should pay me to see the movie. No, fuck all that! I should be able to fuck TheBunny, punch Bill Dawes in the face, force feed Nils a ton of bullshit just like his writing partner has been feeding his fans for the last year, brand Tucker with the word “DOUCHE” on his forehead and have them pay me to watch the movie.
Seriously. That was some straight up straight to DVD shit.
“A few things about the tour:”
Yeah, about half your venues just cancelled after they SAW THE TRAILER.
“-No, there are no tickets available for DC yet.”
Wanna bet it gets cancelled because the theater owner “doesn’t get it”?
“We have to get the contract back from the theater before we can sell ticket, and they are taking forever, so those will probably go on sale Wednesday or Thursday.”
DC fans watch out, Tucker said the trailer would be up on July 4th, and…
“-Austin is a free screening for UT students only, the only screening like that.”
Why? Is the UT Film Community going to argue for what is a worse movie, ITSBIH or The Room, and Tucker is kissing ass so Tommy Wiseau gets last place?
Part II:
“So no tickets available there. I will further address this issue later this week.__-Yes, the tickets are only $10.”
Which is about 100 dollars too much.
“I know we could have charged $20 or even $30,”
Hahaha…
No you couldn’t have.
Seriously, Sean must have fucking lost his fucking mind when he read that Tucker was going to try and milk this for 30 dollars a head.
Want to know what also isn’t going to happen on this huge “PREMIERE TOUR”.
No SWAG bags either. Maybe a button or something cheap, but like everything Tucker said about “what could we put into a SWAG BAG” just went out of the window. Here’s why. BECAUSE THE IDEA OF A SWAG BAG WAS DUMB AS FUCK TO BEGIN WITH!!!
Seriously. What the fuck? Hey Mr. Duke Law Graduate how many t-shirts, shot glasses, and other shit DO YOU PREORDER WHEN NOBODY HAS BOUGHT A TICKET? WHO PAYS FOR IT IN THE MEANTIME? DO THESE SHOT GLASSES AND T-SHIRTS JUST MAGICALLY GET MADE AS PEOPLE GET A TICKET ON-LINE? HOW DO THEY GET TRANSPORTED? BY RYAN HOLIDAY WITH A U-HAUL? WHERE DOES THE MONEY COME FROM TO PAY FOR THIS? YOUR P&A BUDGET?
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
See, anybody with a brain would have figured out that the SWAG Bag was a pipe dream for Tucker. Since most people won’t buy the tickets in advance, there was no way they could plan on how many to make. These things take 1) Planning 2) Time 3) Money, and Tucker doesn’t have enough any of that. It was a pipe dream, much like those G5 Air-Douche Jets that fly around in Tucker’s dreams. Maybe he has a few at a couple of large venues and you can bet they’ll be reserved for “media” types., but the majority of fans aren’t going to see shit whatsoever.
Here’s a bet: Tucker does order at least a couple of hundred of each of these items (like the t-shirts, shot glasses, etc) and sells them at a table at his “premieres” next to autographed books. Tucker is nothing if not predictable.
Here’s another bet. Tucker is going to get sued for this by one or more of his investors. Tucker essentially runs a mom and pop shop. He’s going to try and sell shitty t-shirts, buttons, shot glasses and other stuff and try and 1) try to add those sales to the overall BO tally from the tour and/or 2) keep all the profits from these sales.
He can’t do this legally. He will be trying to profit on the movie, and I’m pretty sure his investors have propriety over ANYTHING SOLD RELATED TO THE FILM. Doesn’t matter if he put his own money up for this, they will have to pay back the investors with any and all profits made from the film. That includes any ancillary profits made from the movie, that includes t-shirts, action figures, etc.
“Tucker Max Fail” won’t even describe the level Tucker is about to fail if he attempts this.
“but we decided that if the point of this is to reach out to fans and experience the movie with them,”
Seriously Tucker, why not just give them a pint of salt and have them pour it into their eyes? Same experience. You could even share it with them...
“then we should make the price as low as possible to include as many as possible.”
How about show it for 5 bucks then? Why not? In this economy you'd get better press if you asked people to pay 5 bucks to see it.
“-Yes, the $10 includes all the promised swag; tshirt, pint glass, etc, etc.”
BULL FUCKING SHIT!!!
Please say some investor put his money into the P&A and is now finding out that his investment included free shot .glasses and t-shirts. It's simply NOT IN THE BUDGET.
Lawsuits ensue.
Part III:
“-Yes, Nils and I will be at every screening, do a Q&A, sign anything, and take pictures.”
This leaves a lot for imagination. I will pay a gay guy 10 bucks to get Tucker to sign his dick. Then I will take a photo of Tucker’s reaction and try to have him sign the photo. That is, unless Tucker signs his dick, then I will have him sign a picture of him signing a gay man’s penis.
“-Yes, some of the actors”
Oh yay, I can get a Bill Dawes autograph!
“and assorted other people will be at some of the screenings.”
What does that even mean?
TUCKER TO FANS: “Yeah, people will be there and shit.”
If anybody is remotely impressed with any of this, they deserve to be 10 dollars and 83 minutes poorer.
“No, no one is confirmed yet.”
Neither is half your tour.
“-If you intend to get tickets, I would hurry up. We gave the hard core fans a jump on them and started selling yesterday, and most cities are getting close to sold out.”
BULLSHIT!!!
Please, somebody from one of the blogs, fucking please get photos posted of these “sold out” events. Not the bogus one Tucker does where he gets the first two rows in a photo from a low angle thus “proving” it’s sold out.
“If you miss out on Premiere Tour tickets, you can always see it when it opens nationwide on September 25th.”
Or when it comes to DVD on September 29th.
"OK, for those of you who care, here are my thoughts on the trailer:”
Let me guess here Mr. Max... It’s revolutionary?
“1. This is the tamest thing you will ever see with regards to this movie, because it is the green band trailer. A green band trailer has to, in theory, be able to be shown to all audiences. Thus, we can’t have any curse words, no nudity, no violence, nothing really at all in there. Trying to make a green band trailer was almost impossible. We nearly gave up a few times. But I think in the end the guys at Intralink pulled it off as well as it could be done. If the trailer feels a little tame to you, please understand we HAD to make it that way to approved by the MPAA.”
However, Tucker will leak a faux-trailer of a bunch of people saying “FUCK” a lot. It will somehow make it to Gawker and will be shown. Tucker will even write Gawker in a fake effort to say it’s a fake and to “please take it down”. Tucker is nothing if not predictable and obvious.
He is doing this because he was not happy with the trailer and wanted to show “his version” of the trailer so any fan disappointment might be quelled when they see people say “fuck” a lot.
“The red band is coming in a month or so, and it will make up for the (relative) tameness of the green band trailer (personally, I think our green band is more raw than the red band for most comedies, but whatever. I’m biased).”
You’re also a fraud.
“2. I love the jokes in this trailer,”
There were jokes in the trailer? WHERE?
I’m not going to be mean, here is my review. The trailer was underwhelming. The trailer itself looked like a really bad attempt at The Hangover. It looked cheap, badly directed, badly acted and the attempts of humor never emerged.
I can see why Tucker is worried.
“and I think the exchange between Drew [Slingblade] and the girl is hilarious, “What is your porn name?” “Scott Peterson.””
Yeah dude, you could almost hear Bob Gosse whispering these words to Jesse Bradford over and over:
“Pssst… Act. Fucking act Jesse!!!”
Part IV:
“But the best part is that even though the trailer is funny, we only give away like 5% of the jokes in the movie.”
If that’s the best part you can kiss your career good bye.
“Pretty much every comedy that has come out over the past 10 years has all the best jokes in the trailer. Not this one.”
What Tucker meant to say was “Pretty much every comedy has jokes. Not this one.”
“Part of that is simply because we CAN’T put the best jokes in a green band trailer because they are R rated, but another part of that is a philosophy that Nils and I decided on early in this process and have stuck to: We are going to run this movie the way we would want it to be run if we were fans.”
The funny part of this is, have you read your own fans reviews of the trailer on YouTube?
Hated it…
“I’ve written about this before–I hate it when the trailer ruins the movie, so I won’t be part of a movie that does that.”
You didn’t seem to have a problem with being a part of a script that ruins a movie.
“Yes, the trailer is funny. But trust me, the movie is even better, as it should be with comedies.”
When Tucker prefaces something with “TRUST ME” it’s like triple bullshit.
“3. One of my favorite aspects of this movie is the way we did the lighting. Most normal Hollywood comedies are lit to be very bright to make them feel “cinematic.” We made a conscious decision early on to eschew the standard broad comedy look and instead to make this movie feel more more intimate and authentic.”
Too bad they couldn’t light it to feel funny and entertaining.
“It’s supposed to be lit in a more natural way, to give the feeling like you are the fourth member of the group instead of just watching three people on screen.”
Tucker Max taking credit for stuff the real people who made the movie did. Wouldn’t lighting be more of a Bob Gosse and director of photography decision? Could you imagine being on the set as a lighting dude, and some idiot who never made a movie comes in and starts telling you how to do your job?
No wonder why the people on the set hated Tucker.
“4. Some fans are going to hate the trailer, and the movie, and be pissed off.”
From the looks of it, “some” means a “majority”.
“This is absolutely to be expected.”
Especially if they paid 10 bucks to see it.
“No matter how we did this movie, there would be a portion of existing fans who are going to be disappointed by it.”
That portion being “100%”.
“This happens to every band when they go from small and local to big and popular,”
Yeah, look at what it did to Paul Wall.
Wait, who the fuck is Paul Wall?
“it happens to every writer when they change mediums,”
Yeah, like when they did the movie version of Jurassic Park. People fucking hated Cricton and the film for that shit.
“it happens to every single artist”
A baby just died of AIDS.
Part V:
“who does anything new and different–some people hate change, and when change happens, they get upset about it.”
No dude, here’s the deal. If this script were ANY good, I wouldn’t be here. It’s not that it’s “change” that I hate, it’s the fact that you’re LYING about the quality of your project.
Now, I don’t expect you to say “it’s not really that good”, but you happened to oversell it as being something more than it is. You straight up lied to your fans about it and that to me is unforgivable. You are taking your fans for granted, and since at one time I was one of your band of retards, I feel the need to show my total disapproval of your lies.
Now, of course the sycophants who are tied to your board aren’t going to say a thing about it, but even in the back of their mind they know they are viewing “The Phantom Menace” while you are telling them it’s really “The Empire Strikes Back.”
Plus, on top of alienating old fans when they watch the film and realize you’ve been lying to them, how many new fans do you think you’re going to get with this piece of shit?
“In fact, this happened to me once already. My book came out in 2006, after my website had been up for four years and I had a pretty large internet-only fanbase. When it came out, there was a small but loud minority of fans who hated the book–they said it was a betrayal of my “early stuff,” they decried me going mainstream, they got upset at the new book cover imagery–all the standard crap.”
Yeah dude, the people who left when your book broke were all the people who WERE SUPPOSEDLY IN YOUR 100% TRUE STORIES AND REALIZED YOU WERE LYING THROUGH YOUR TEETH.
“And of course they all yelled as loud as possible to anyone who would listen that the book would fail because of this. I ignored them and wrote the book I wanted to write, not the book they were “demanding” of me.”
You mean one that demanded the truth, not some bullshit stories? Wonder when all the guys like Hate, PWJ and others stopped coming to his site? It’s when his book came out. Sure he wrote the “book he wanted to write”, but those who were in the know, the ones who were actually written about, they fucking left, and they left in droves. Ever wonder why?
“A million copies sold later,”
Cough, cough, less than 1/2 a million sold, cough.
He can't even keep his lies straight. He just said that THE MILLIONTH BOOK WAS JUST PUBLISHED, NOW HE'S SAYING IT WAS JUST SOLD.
“it’s obvious who was right.”
Yes, and because NKOTB sold a lot of albums, they’re clearly more righter and shit than Bach or Beethoven.
“The movie will follow the exact same trajectory: 90% of my fans will like or love it,”
Here’s a guess, there are less than 1000 hardcore Tucker fans, maybe 500 of them are on the board every day and the other 500 are on three or four times a week. I’ll be honest and say that 99% of those guys are going to love the film. They’ve anal chugged the Kool-Aid from Tucker’s taint and they need him to be a success as much as him.
Then there’s the rest of the world who all know Tucker Max is a douchebag. I’m assuming they’ll FUCKING LOVE THIS MOVIE.
“10% will hate it, but most importantly I think this movie will open me and my material up to a huge new audience who never would have seen or heard of me before if I had stayed exclusively to the written word, just like the book vastly expanded by audience off the internet-only crowd I started with. It’s going to be funny to watch so many new people “discover” Tucker Max. An overnight success, seven years in the making.”
Tucker Max is about to go where no douchebag has gone before.
After viewing this trailer, I have come to the conclusion that I’ve been sitting in a game of poker with Tucker, and he’s bluffed but to his dismay everybody has stayed in and he then tries to take the pot with a pair of eleventeens.
-TDG
"“and I think the exchange between Drew [Slingblade] and the girl is hilarious, “What is your porn name?” “Scott Peterson.””
Yeah dude, you could almost hear Bob Gosse whispering these words to Jesse Bradford over and over:
“Pssst… Act. Fucking act Jesse!!!”"
Dude... HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!
HE'S BACK!
"Yeah dude, you could almost hear Bob Gosse whispering these words to Jesse Bradford over and over:
“Pssst… Act. Fucking act Jesse!!!”""
ZING!!!
TDG, WELCOME THE FUCK BACK
Bloody hell, took you long enough.
I need this movie like I need hepatitis C.
TDG, so glad you're back. I'd almost started to believe you'd left us.
It was a pipe dream, much like those G5 Air-Douche Jets that fly around in Tucker’s dreams.
----------------------------------
hahahaha favorite line and also the image of Ryan Holliday driving a U-Haul of all the swag
tucker, on the trailer:
"This is not a big deal, I know the material is there to make a kickass trailer, but we are going to have to really think about it and work on it, instead of just plugging scenes in the standard Hollywood comedy template. This is not a paint-by-numbers movie, so the standard way of doing things won't work most of the time."
haha. yeah.
Tucker,
Could you please name one, ONE, person who hated your book as a "betrayal" of your earlier internet work? Can't do it, can you? That's because no such person exists because it is impossible to be a fan of your early writing (not art, so no dead baby, but an infant did get polio) and hate the later stuff becuse they are the same thing. Except for about two stories, everything in your book was a verbatim repeat of the stories that were on your website for years before the book came out. There was NO difference, even the spelling and syntax errors were the same. Quit inventing strawman arguments to explain away why even your friends and fans hate the trailer. Your lame spin attempts would be funny if they weren't so pathetic.
"Yes, the tickets are only $10.”
Which is about 100 dollars too much."
HILARIOUS!
Glad you're still here.
Hoping you deconstruct his response to everyone on the internets bashing the trailer.
Wow just read the tucker boards. Either he is being punked or a lot of baby douchebags are sucking his e cock just to say they talked to tm.
I'm the absolute definition of consumer. I'm easily amused and irresponsible with cash. Still, nothing about the trailer made .e want to see the film.
The stoopidest comment was jojo saying no one he knows watches a film based on the trailer anyway. I guess they are just free spirits who walk up to the window and say three tix to anything...surprise me.
Seriously, ill watch almost anything but this just looks like a bad high-school play. Those jokes aren't even topical.
Ugh. Delusion people are hard.
Hey TDG, you bring up a very good point. How do they fund the SWAG bags? It doesn't make sense from an economic standpoint. Even if he gets everything for cheap, it's still going to cost 5 bucks for a t-shirt, shot glass, button, etc per bag.
I guess Tucker's goal is to gain some momentum from the tour in the hopes that a large distributor will take note and buy the product outright.
This could be marketed as "one of the worst films of all time" and it might just make it's money back, ala The Room. Meaning it gets some sort of cult like status among movie goers who then mock the film in sold out theaters.
If that was Tucker's goal, then I guess it is revolutionary.
DO THESE SHOT GLASSES AND T-SHIRTS JUST MAGICALLY GET MADE AS PEOPLE GET A TICKET ON-LINE? HOW DO THEY GET TRANSPORTED? BY RYAN HOLIDAY WITH A U-HAUL?
---------------------------------------
Do you really think Darko paid for a tour bus to haul Tucker's enormous retinue from theater to theater? Why rent a tour bus if only Nils and Tucker will be at every stop on the tour? Why not just rent a car for them? Would it perhaps have something to do with transporting several thousand gift bags around the country?
Seriously, TDG, you of all people should have been able to connect the dots on this one. The tour bus is not a rolling palace. Tucker and Nils are not Motley Crue. They are riding with the freight.
FIRST!
From IMBD boards, where a Tucker fan gets exposed as an idiot:
"Again, if Tucker could sell out $30 a seat, why would he only charge $10 a seat? The reason you both love to state is that $10 a seat generates more word of mouth advertising. How? Are you two geniuses implying that people who pay for $10 seats have more mouths?"
TDG,
Thanks for sticking around.
Today, I told a Scott Peterson joke to a group of eighteen year olds only to suffer the indignity of a few blank disgusted stares, and I needed a reminder of how my psyche works.
One called me a dick with ears, but I digress.
Back to me.
I replied that I shit on hunter s. thompson's dick regularly, and since I have drunk more beer, fucked more pussy, and kicked more ass than all you lackwits put together, you had better laugh when I tell a Scott Peterson joke or you will wish you were Laci.
I probably don't have to tell you this but hilarity ensued.
- Tucker
PS Why do you guys call me "Otto"?
TDG is the reason I still have hope in humanity
TDG is the reason I spent five years in high school.
- Tucker
Is it a stretch to imagine a lesser version of this in Tucker's future?
http://www.radaronline.com/exclusives/2009/08/exclusive-dustin-diamonds-amazing-demands-comedy-club-sober-security-six-pack
The people on this thread were not impressed with Tucker's trailer:
http://www.spurstalk.com/forums/showthread.php?p=3612358
Not to derail this conversation, but here is the video of the fight between Cloud Starchaser vs. "Kung Fu" Mike. Man, if anybody is a bigger douchebag than Tucker, it's Kung Fu Mike.
I remember when KFM posted all about how he kicked Cloud Starchaser's ass. Talk about a bunch of bullshit.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W72vLqS9UVo
oh look i just found a better movie than ihtsbih
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pIs3HLPvOKk
Anyone else think tugger is just a low rent version of Stiffler?
Good to see TDG back...
"This leaves a lot for imagination. I will pay a gay guy 10 bucks to get Tucker to sign his dick. Then I will take a photo of Tucker’s reaction and try to have him sign the photo. That is, unless Tucker signs his dick, then I will have him sign a picture of him signing a gay man’s penis."
HAHAHA. Hilarious.
"Yeah dude, you could almost hear Bob Gosse whispering these words to Jesse Bradford over and over:
“Pssst… Act. Fucking act Jesse!!!”
I'm glad I wasn't the only one who thought this. His delivery of the Hep-C joke was possibly one of the worst delivers of a movie line I have ever seen. I'm not even kidding. His acting in this movie is up there competing for all time worst.
"If that’s the best part you can kiss your career good bye."
I've read about half the script now. The jokes simply are not better or even there. They are mainly irrelevant because the jokes are dated.
“In fact, this happened to me once already. My book came out in 2006, after my website had been up for four years and I had a pretty large internet-only fanbase. When it came out, there was a small but loud minority of fans who hated the book–they said it was a betrayal of my “early stuff,” they decried me going mainstream, they got upset at the new book cover imagery–all the standard crap.”
That is completely false. His book was a near exact transcribe of his online work. The people protesting were ones who bought the book and wanted their money and time back from wasting it on a bathroom novel.
"After viewing this trailer, I have come to the conclusion that I’ve been sitting in a game of poker with Tucker, and he’s bluffed but to his dismay everybody has stayed in and he then tries to take the pot with a pair of eleventeens."
I'm all in. But I don't have Eleventeens...HAHAHAHA. That's some funny stuff man.
"I'm glad I wasn't the only one who thought this. His delivery of the Hep-C joke was possibly one of the worst delivers of a movie line I have ever seen. I'm not even kidding. His acting in this movie is up there competing for all time worst."
watch the cast interview of bradford, apparently the fat lying douche was actually giving the actors line readings; this is fuck-witted armchair quarterbacking coming from tugger, and a big no no in general.
could explain why the acting looked so bad
"watch the cast interview of bradford, apparently the fat lying douche was actually giving the actors line readings; this is fuck-witted armchair quarterbacking coming from tugger, and a big no no in general.
could explain why the acting looked so bad"
That is a big no no. That's the directors job. And the Actor is usually allowed to put their unique abilities into the role.
Apparently Tucker wants everyone to see exactly how much of a Douche he truly was by showing everyone just how ridiculous every line of the movie is.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1220628/board/thread/144509359?d=144560733&p=1#144560733
two days later... a few hundred seats in san francisco are sold. . . in a city of millions with millions of tweeters/students
remember--selling out a small theater in a major city for a single show is not news, especially when it takes a few days. and tucker can't even sell out atlanta and san diego! unbelieveable!
large theaters in rural areas sell out for days on end all the time, and this is not news. many of those theaters have multiple screens playing the same title in their largest theaters, and they sell out day after day after day, as do their neighboring theaters who are close by.
the only news here is how fantastically slow tickets are selling for single shows at isolated, distantly-separated theaters in major metropolitan areas with millions.
and tickets are only going for $10--less than a normal ticket.
and they are handing out merchandise too.
and peeps just aren't rushing out there.
how the hell will they have a wide-release in multiple venues for multiple days, if there is nobody there to buy tickets at reduced rates for single showing with free shwag-douchebags?
sooooooooooo verrrrrrrrryyyyyy slooooooooooooow.
it as if tucker orchestrated the tour to prove that the film has no chance in hell, to save future theaters/investors the trouble.
he can't even sell out raleigh/durham/chapel hill! that is: he can't sell out ncsu/duke/unc combined! for one single night! on a college campus!
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1220628/board/thread/144509359?d=144560733&p=1#144560733
just saw the trailer, damn
Honestly like I watched it with no regard to all his negative press and this site, but its awful
Acting looks very lame, exactly from the lame script
Oh and TDG is god and don't taze me bro
A small observation: He stopped spelling haters with a z.
How much do you want to bet that Tucker and his sycophants start creating faux members at Christian and feminist websites and message boards to point out the "depravity" of this movie, and how it should be protested?
TDF,
I think that's actually part of his "revolutionary" marketing plan. I know there was discussion on this board months ago about Tucker planning fake protests at the movie premiere.
TDF = ?
Tri Delta Fuckhead
The Damn Faker
Tin Dames Failing
Typo Drat Fudge
I would love to see tugger get in a fight at one of his premieres.
He's always whoring ufc might be good publicity
I hate Tucker.
A story about two dudes following a douche going reckless abandon on everything is nothing new or funny
From the trailer there is nothing new in there that I haven't seen already from other movies
In comedies, you go on a ride with the characters, you sympathize with them because they display something that you can empathize with them. You won't hear the protagonist saying "fat girls are people" or "You mean Magic is black and has AIDS" that is the worst segueway(sp) into a joke.
Can someone roll tape on one of his showings?
Especially if he's going to give some heartfelt speech about what would tucker do
If I ever see anyone with that bracelet, I will taze them
Tucker would taze a fat girl, bro.
Part of the humor here is the inevitable desperation tactics that will emerge once even a person with no math skills like Tucker can add up the fact that his career is now essentially over.
I'm feeling kind of cheated. While the response to the trailer was negative, there's no buzz surrounding this movie. There's nothing to ridicule; nobody cares. Tucker, your movie is on life support... fucking do something!
Ok, I've finally seen the trailer. And, though it pains me to admit it, it wasn't the complete abortion I thought it was. Don't get me wrong, it's not good (or funny or creative or innovative or any other adjective Tucker likes to through around), but it wasn't nearly the trainwreck I thought it would be. I guess it reminds me of a low-rent version of the American Pie: Band Camp trailer in both concept and execution. Which is probably an apt description of the movie as a whole. The trailer certainly doesn't make me want to see IHTSBIH, but it isn't nearly as much as a disaster as I was hoping for. Which, in a sick way, is a disappointment to me. I have a weird thing for movies that are just abject failures, films that are aggressive in their suck. I was hoping that IHTSBIH would quagmire of sucktacular ineptitude, THAT would make me interested. Unfortunately, it seems to be content with run-of-the-mill craptitude.
I'll withhold judgment until I see the red band trailer, because we all know that movie goers pay attention to the band color before making a purchase decision.
2
1
Here's to George Sodini, martyr to the cause of men everywhere:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2jh_ln7FYZU
Rest in peace, George.
A copy of IHTSBIH was found in Sodinis house. He was also a RMMB regular.
Otto is now responsible for inspiring criminals guilty of race hate, rape, AND a murder!
Tucker Max FAIL!
Mike Tyson is why I saw The Hangover in theatres without waiting for it to hit DVD. What is the pull of Tucker's movie? Paul Wall? Nobody even knows who the fuck Paul Wall is.
"because we all know that movie goers pay attention to the band color before making a purchase decision."
Yeah, I didn't decide to see The Hangover until I'd seen the red band trailer not allowed in theaters where I saw the original trailer.
http://www.screenjunkies.com/movienews/tucker-max-video-interview
Jesus, i've never seen a more pathetic duo of fat & failure in my lifetime.
Who makes a decision on whether a movie is any good based on the green band trailer? Everyone waits for the red band trailer before deciding. It's a little known fact that Godfather II had a terrible green band trailer, and most critics wrote it off as an awful film. But when the red band trailer came out, critics were stunned, and the Godfather II was on the fast track to fame and fortune. To really appreciate Godfather II, you have to close one eye so that the bad green band doesn't interfere with the more beneficial red band.
Nils is even bigger than I'd imagined.
Tugger's movie is full of cameos:
* that guy from fark.com
* traci lords (fully clothed!)
* bill dawes
* a couple mma guys
* dude from that sitcom back in the 80s
* tugger, hot wheelz, bunny, etc
To add perspective to the conversation, tonight I saw the tv trailer for Sorority Row.
This movie looks like a worse redo of I Know what You Did Last Summer.
Still, I thought to myself, "cool, I might watch this."
I never thought that during Tucker's trailer. It turned me off and felt ... Just odd.
Nils looks like a fatter, less funny version of Fred Flinstone.
The Bunny has a cameo in this movie? As what, ugly girl#2?
This is awesome how Tucker's trailer is universally reviled across the board. I haven't heard a single good word said about it outside of his board of sycophants. I've already emailed every movie site and blog I can think of to tell them to cover it.
With all the bad press around already, there is NO WAY Tucker's movie is going to recover from this.
Spread the word people! Beer in hell, more like Burn in hell Tucker fuck.
Holy balls Nils looks 45 in that screenjunkies shit.
I Hope They Show This Movie In Hell.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Yes, but you'll have to get THG (The Hungarian Guy) to translate. He'll be on later.
"Yes, but you'll have to get THG (The Hungarian Guy) to translate. He'll be on later."
OK, I LOL'd.
Is his name János Nagy? There are a at least a couple of hundred thousand guys from Hungary named János, and a couple of hundred thousand Hungarian guys with the last name Nagy. Maybe more.
He would be in good company. Imre Nagy was the Prime Minister of Hungary back in the day. He fought against the Russkies and shit. And you fucking Americans should know that you don't pronounce that shit as "Naggee", it's pronounced "Nahj".
So you learned something today in the course of mocking Tucker for
being a liar and a douchebag. I call that a win.
And yes, I am an American. But I'm educated, with a more substantial degree than "Law, Letters and Society".
Oh, and Tucker is still a liar, in addition to being a douchebag.
Yeah, Grillionaire. Where the hoes at?
Get your pussies ready, ladies.
Let me preface this rant with the fact that I got a link to this blog about a year ago from someone who works for Universal LA that I met during my tenure in Florida. I have posted sporadically, but mostly stayed on the sidelines until now.
That said...
So you want a Tucker Story, huh? (And no, I don't mean a Tucker Max patented cavalcade o' bullshit) This shit actually happened to me, and a friend of mine who owns his own video production company in Miami, and has for several years. He can like, totally vouch for everything I say and shit.
Seriously though, this is an accurate recollection of things long past without any embellishment whatsoever. Trust me.
(That I enjoy mocking Tucker in his own voice aside, this did actually occur.)
I was 21 years old, living in Miami with my friend Jose who is an absolute genius, and has built himself a tidy business based solely on his own competence with respect to video and audio production.
At that time, he got a contract to do a 60 second spot and a 30 second spot edited down from that for Max's Grill in Boca Raton, and brought me in on the project.
This would have been January or February of 2002, for specificity's sake.
Anyway, when we went to go do the shoot, everything was as smooth as silk until right in the middle of a tracking shot with Dennis Max (who actually really knows his shit from what I've seen. He's assuredly a pretty successful restaurateur) Tucker walks in and is so goddamned boisterous that he ruined the whole take with his douchebaggery.
A couple of takes more, same thing. Tucker is so goddamned loud that you can hear him over the lines being delivered. A couple of takes more... You get the idea. This went on for 45 minutes.
So Jose and I ask Dennis to do something about this exceedingly annoying guy,like kick him out of the bar, because we're wasting tape, and wasting Steadi-Cam Guy's time and Lighting Girl's time, and getting nothing done.
And Dennis Max says, "Oh, that's my son, Tucker. I'll get him out of here so we can finish and put him into someone else's hair."
So Tucker leaves after Pops talks to him, we finish our shoot in another two hours (that should have been 30 minutes without his constant interruption), and on his merry way he goes.
That's my Tucker Max story, in all of its unimpressive glory. He is a complete douchebag who has a massively inflated sense of his own self-importance.
And from what I've seen of the cinema business, Tucker is going to Tucker Max fail.
Anyone see that screenjunkies.com interview? I like Tucker needs to throw around terms like "pareto optimality" just to try to let everyone know how smart he is. You are trying too hard, dude.
Except he didn't use "Pareto optimal" correctly. A state of affairs is Pareto optimal when any improvement you make for one individual makes another individual worse off. What's this 80/20 stuff?
Dennis should get Tucker a paper route
tucker appears to be balding, his shorts are too short, and his shirt is too small, according to: http://www.screenjunkies.com/movienews/tucker-max-video-interview
tucker appears to be balding, his shorts are too short, and his shirt is too small, according to: http://www.screenjunkies.com/movienews/tucker-max-video-interview
6th video down, last sentence of interview, tucker's lisp can be heard clearly. 'i couldnt play myssssthelf' http://www.screenjunkies.com/movienews/tucker-max-video-interview
" we asked Tucker Max to speak about other projects that he has in the pipeline, but he quickly steered the conversation back to " the movie.
Transl: "I have no fucking clue, man, if this doesn't make bank I am so fucked, it HAS to make bank, man, it HAS to, I like my kneecaps the way they are, man"
Nils isn't that fat, he's just kinda loserish, which makes him not that different from millions of other people
" we asked Tucker Max to speak about other projects that he has in the pipeline, but he quickly steered the conversation back to " the movie.
Tucker you fucking pussy, why didn't you start pitching Rudius Air or your branded rifle ranges? No wonder this punk cast Matt Whocry as the lead.
The whole interview Nils is sitting there slowly realizing what a douche tucker is
theres a new post from tucker on his movie blog
TDG, where are you?
TDG i need you
TDG whats he gonna do
deconstruct your lies and tell whats up with you
Justin.tv/tuckermax will be doing q&a. Look! Round 2 of his web 2.0 start.
anyone else notice fuckers' 1000 yard stare in those vids? he looks fuckin deranged.
nils looks like he's coming down from a massive sugar high; fat fuck.
I just read Tucker's blog. He just gave himself an excuse to falsify being "Sold Out". From the goodness of his heart, he's holding back "5 seats" for a press corp. that won't show up. In all likelihood, he'll probably hold back 50 seats just to save face and claim a sell out. He'll cover his lie by giving away free tickets at the theater.
Tucker Max fans are so awesome. It's fun watching them try to rationalize. First they'll say that the trailer seemed shit because of Tucker's "master plan." He doesn't want to sell out like those other comedy movies by putting all his jokes in the trailer.
Then in their next breath they justify Paul Wall's inclusion by saying he'll draw 1000's of rap fans. So is he selling out or not? Watch the Tuckeroos squirm!
Has anybody here realized that we're more than doubling the amount of posts that Tucker's own site has on his own movie?
A heck (I refuse to say the other "h" word, given it's association with TM) of a lot of TM's fans on his own discussion thread don't like his greenband trailer.
It doesn't even matter if the movie is decent...it only appeals to a narrow demographic (people who can laugh at fat girls and Magic Johnson with AIDS...a group I am actually a part of, but I don't really appreciate the crude way the movie goes about it) and it will be largely ignored by the general public.
^^^^
THIS
dont taze me bro
so it turns out lady gaga has both a "poon and a peener". That would explain bunny, too.
Get your pussies ready. Also, make sure not to taze me, because I need that like I need Hepatitis C.
wait are you saying you need Hep-C and I dont have AIDS but Magic Johnson has it better than me even though he's black?
tucker is to art as child molester is to sex
thats from TDG earlier piece of art, but its one of the best quotes on here by far
Color me shocked.
Don't taze me bro.
I need this like I need hepatitis c.
Bad boys, bad boys, whatcha gonna
do, whatcha gonna do when you’re
fucking a deaf girl and the cops
come for you?
GRILLIONAIRE IN DA HOUSE!!
You’re telling me that Magic
Johnson is black AND has AIDS...and
he has it better than me?
Do I need to continue!! The Ugly Cool Kid Eagerly Requoting Max's Atrocious X-rated-script (Tucker Max)
my god.
I just saw the trailer.
That just looked plain BRUTAL. That is revolutionary? You have to be kidding me.
I feel bad for swimfan guy, good luck with your career.
tucker....epic fail. needz moar 2004 tuckerz.
1st video:
"instead of watching a movie and saying 'i can do better' we were like 'let's do better'.
um...yeah...
tucker? Has anyone bothered to tell you that your interview skills suck?
That the use of 'um', 'yeah' and 'dude' are completely ineffective regardless of your target audience (public speaking, natch)?
That you're a douchebag?
side note: I think Bunny's in therapy, not rehab. Big difference. Regardless, it's not working. She claims (her blog) to be 'knee deep' in it; however, she's still posting violently angry things over at the RTMMB.
hey guys leave tucker alone
I mean when I first saw the green band trailer for "this is spinal tap" I was a little iffy about it
But when that red band trailer came out I realized it would be funny.
Also can't wait for the dvd to come out once the premier tour is over with.
"Also can't wait for the dvd to come out once the premier tour is over with."
Disturbingly, it is becoming almost impossible to detect sarcasm anymore.
The Bunny is so ugly, and deep down she knows it.
@11:07, hi Bunny.
Coming here and posting that about yourselfedey few days might be cathartic for you but it is starting to annoy me. So how about you return your attention whoring to the rmmb? No one here is going to talk about you... In either direction. So move on.
PS I've been there... Stay strong.
looking at tucker's weirdly proportioned body in the above interview with nils, i really wonder how he could ever claim to be a baller, or have ever thought he could be in the special forces, or be an mma fighter. remember when he was really into mma and then trained about a week and stopped talking about it? yeah. his proportions are like a dwarf, but he's like 5'8, so it looks very strange on him. and his ears look a bit low on his head, like there is fetal alcohol syndrome. that would explain the low intelligence
funny that you should mention fetal alcohol syndrome (may i also suggest he resembles a crack baby), as i feel like i'm just bullying a retarded kid at this point when i make fun of otto
who are you guys kidding, bunny is hot.
Tucker has no charisma on screen...he shifts too much, looks nervous, curses too much, sips drinks nonstop, etc. etc...he basically looks likea DOUCEBAG!!!!!!!
is bunny a pre- or post-op tranny?
2:07, it's funny. This movie might actually find some profits on DVD. Just because it might be the WORST movie ever made, so awful it's good. Tucker is like Ed Wood trying to make comedy.
"Nils isn't that fat"
Are you kidding? Nils' BMI is higher than Tucker's credit score.
12:28,
No, she's not. Bunny isn't scare-little-chldren ugly, but she is incredibly man-ish looking.
12:28,
No, she's not. Bunny isn't scare-little-chldren ugly, but she is incredibly man-ish looking.
whether tucker's vanity project movie makes 10k or 50k, whatever the amount is, we can all be sure of one thing: the bunny is not an attractive female. that is just not a woman to be proud of if you are her boyfriend. not in any way.
@3:53, yes, unattractive and crazy, Erin Tyler brings nothing to the table.
"Nils isn't that fat.. Are you kidding? Nils' BMI is higher than Tucker's credit score."
Funniest thing on here this week. PLEASE BRING BACK NILS PARKER IS A DOUCHEBAG.COM!!
Back online, now with more douche:
http://nilsparkerisadouchebag.blogspot.com/
Nils and his mommy:
http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3416/3332983179_792d54a2a7.jpg
OH, and look at Tugger:
http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3344/3332890885_83edbd124e.jpg
He's so revolutionary.
that one tucker max guy is a highly major douchebag. the end.
Can somebody please link to a pic of Bunny so I can judge her looks for myself? Cheers.
Speaking of Bunny, where is that infamous list she wrote about dating Tucker, exposing him for the tru Douche he is? It was removed off her blog in about 30 seconds but I know it was still around somewhere. Imagine if that gets out to mainstream media at this point in his "career". Anyone got a link to that?
damn, nils really is a fat fuck.
and bunny is hot, so is her sis.
When I was a child I loved heat and serve rolls. I would beg my Mom to buy these instead of making homemade. Now that I am married, and love baking, I can't imagine what I was thinking!
Homemade biscuits are so easy to make, and if you follow a few simple rules, they will always turn out fluffy and delicious. I use what I call the Grandma Method. I don't use a pastry cutter, or a fork, I use my clean hands to work in the butter with the flour. It's messy, but it works for me. Whether you do this or another method, it's important not to overwork your biscuit dough. Mix until it's all moistened, and then GENTLY fold it over rather than kneading, then roll it out, or pat into shapes.
Baking Powder Biscuits
(from a 1933 Recipe)
Ingredients:
2 cups sifted flour
2 tsp. baking powder
4 tablespoons butter or shortening
1/2 tsp. salt
about 3/4 cup milk
Sift Flour once, measure, add baking powder and salt, and sift again. Cut in shortening or butter. (this is where I use my hands by rubbing the butter into the flour). Add milk gradually, stirring until soft dough is formed. Turn out on slightly floured board and lightly "knead" for 30 seconds, enough to shape. Roll 1/2 inch thick and cut with 2 inch floured biscuit cutter. Bake on ungreased sheet in a 400 degree oven for 12-15 minutes. Makes 12 biscuits. You can also make tiny tea biscuits that are only 1 1/2 inches wide with a small cutter or glass bottom. These are great served with tea, jam or honey. Makes 24.
to completely derail the conversation for a brief moment, here's a thread found on RTMMB that smacks of extreme stupidity:
http://messageboard.tuckermax.com/showthread.php?t=27461
i'm not gonna lie--i own *several* books on the subject of Charles Manson and his family. not a single one of tucker's minions did *any* fact checking beyond wikipedia, natch.
dumbfucks.
So while there was a huge burst of activity and so-called interest in the trailer and the movie as a whole the day it debuted on MySpace, its pretty much died down.
Tucker's Facebook and MySpace friends jumped up an alright amount and now they are plateauing. Same with interest in the trailer. Twitter has slowed to the point of people just saying things unrelated to the movie, like "You're as funny as Tucker Max," or "I'm gonna get Tucker Max Drunk tonite." Basically, as trendy as talking about Scott Peterson.
The number of sold out arenas for the tour has not really changed in days and I personally doubt it will either unless he manipulates the numbers or just puts everything as "Sold Out" the moment they hit a respective city that still has tickets for sale.
He made a big deal out of Chicago being sold out. Here's a few facts:
1. He used to live there, he still has some friends there (JoJo), and there are a shit ton of colleges in Chicago. Many of his stories take place in Chicago, which is why I got an early kick out of them. I've been to Durkin's, kind of a shithole.
2. The theater, Piper's Alley, is a crappy theater that plays movies that get zero to no distribution. My roommate saw "Fanboys" there, if that's any indication. I asked him how many seats are in the theater and he said tops 250. So Tucker sold 250 tickets in a huge metropolitan area where he used to live and where many of his stories are based.
Meaning... big fucking deal. If the movie is even just alright, he's destroying his box office numbers with this tour. He has the devoted pay around the same as a regular movie ticket and I can guarantee that not all of them are going to see it a second time when it comes out. And even in a big metro area like Chicago, he doesn't have enough of a foothold in popular culture to drive up numbers.
I say let's get this show on the road. I'm really interested in how all this is going to play out.
you know laxkid?
i've been giving it some thought, and in all fairness, one would have to say:
sold out theaters (the few) aren't really sold out according to tucker
San Diego still isn't sold out! Five days after!
A dinky San Diego theater in LA's/Hollywood's back yard can't even sell out for one single showing!! AND TUCKER IS GONG TO BE THERE EVEN! HANDING OUT FREE MERCHANDISE/SCHWAG!! AND TICKETS WILL COST LESS THAN USUAL--$10.
What distributor would want to work with this bus tour speeding straight towards financial hell and ruin?
http://www.ihopetheyservebeerinhell.com/tour/
Will theaters sell out without Tucker showing up and when tickets are pricier and when the movie is playing twelve times throughout the weekend, instead of just once?
The bus tour is complete insanity, unless its purpose is to a) lose money and b) destroy distribution.
And regarding the theaters that are sold out: "-Extra Tickets: The Portland and Seattle stops are coming up, and I am pretty excited about them. We sold those two stops out fast, and a ton of people have been asking if there are any extra tickets. Not really, but maybe: At each city, we held back a small number of tickets for press and friends, etc, and if some of these go unused, we can admit other people to the theater. The problem is that we can’t always predict what press will or won’t show up, so instead of me spamming this blog or Twitter with our projections of how many tickets are available, if you REALLY want to see the movie, just come to the theater. Chances are we will have at least 5-10 open seats, and though I make NO promises about admittance, if we do have space, we’ll admit you free." --http://www.ihopetheyservebeerinhell.com/day-49-press-passes-extra-tickets-and-other-updates/
AFTER ALL THE PRESS & FRIENDS SHOW UP, THEY WILL STILL HAVE 5-10 TICKETS AVAILABLE IN "SOLD OUT" THEATERS!
Amazing.
http://www.ihopetheyservebeerinhell.com/tour/
NC STATE is still not sold out. UNC/Duke/NCSU say "matt whosky?"
Athens and Atlanta--still not sold out, even though there is only one show in single theaters.
How many fans does Tucker have. A few hundred?
Those who are incapable of seeing the third act's tragic catharsis in their mind's eye, generally end up surprised by life's reality.
And as their words/film/"art" fell short of reality, so did their craptastic douche which considers the production of mere feces high art, as does a three year old, failing to become a commercially-viable, sustainable pursuit.
I'm not sure they teach this ancient, immutable form of art and law at Duke Law, as postmodern law programs, by definition, are indeed filled with haters of truth, beauty, and art.
Is it all finally beginning to make sense?
Or do you really have to wait for the tour?
--from http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1220628/board/thread/144718798?d=144741078&p=1#144741078
The "Bunny list" is on this very site:
http://tinyurl.com/l7d9zp
If this were the RMMB I'd lambast you for not using the search feature.
PS can we make a community effort to start using tinyurl or some other such URL-shortener? The long ones (e.g. the Myspace blog a few days ago) are sometimes too long to copy/paste, at least for me.
the only thing you can conclude from this tour is that tucker has approximately a few hundred fans
^^
Tucker probably has a lot more fans than tickets. The problem is that the show times are past curfew.
I don't think there's enough discussion of Tucker Max in this location
I miss TDG again.
i wouldnt fuck bunny if he was the last transsexual left on earth.
also, is that how tugger is hoping to boost ticket sales? by requiring his fans to bring a parent or guardian along in order to allow them to be admitted to the movie screening?
Let's keep this thread on topic:
We all know bunny is a desperate hijinxy anal whore and nils parker is handsome and funny (http://nilsparkerisadouchebag.blogspot.com/)
BRING BACK TDG.
To whoever is writing the NILS PARKER is a douchebag blog, I think we should adopt T-Bag!! Way better than TUGGER.
and sorry to ERIN TYLER... you are beautiful BUNNY.
Just kidding, you have quite literally set the woman's movement back about 10 years personally.
I will be over to anal fuck you later. Whore.
the only way tucker can redeem himself is for him to
A) release the anal sex tape
B) introduce the person that hid in the closet to tape the anal pounding
C) or to just admit that he lied in his stories; honestly I would give him some slack if he just came forward and said he bullshitted his stories
if that nils fact is true that he took the blame for the DWI in NYC then he deserves to be called a douchebag and have a blog devoted to that.
All politics in this country is dress rehearsal for civil war.
What passes for entertainment is one of the battlespace prep weapons.
Tucker cannot redeem himself by simply admitting he lied in his stories. His dishonesty goes so much deeper than that. He lies in the most basic way about who he is - putting acorss this fake persona of being a shit-hot quick witted womanising Alpha-male, while in reality being a bully and a coward who's conquest only inlcude the already broken. The lies in his stories are a symptom not a cause of his douchbaggery.
And the fact that Nils Parker makes his living by mocking the fat the ugly and the dumb, is an irony that makes my mind boggle.
And now! Quotes from: THE BODYSSEY
Now Pilgor the Savage Thruster leans anxiously forward into the stiff breeze as he closes with his quarry's vessel.
Hunghoul the sorceror. Hunghoul the wicked - the despoiler of Pilgor's lands and the ravisher of his virgin bride, Smegmella.
"Prepare yourself for a long stay in hell, sorcerer! My sword Sidesplitter thirsts for your blood!"
"Nothing can stop me now! Courage, Smegmella - I'm coming!"
Long-legged Ammora, a true daughter of the perfumed night! Her juddering breasts were like ruby-crowned temple domes shaken during an earthquake!
If they ever do a remake of The Munsters they need look no further than Nils Parker to play Herman Munster. Not much makeup needed.
Also, his wife would be perfectly cast as Grandpa Munster.
Oh my...
I feel like the thread is losing some steam.
this bodyssey thing sounds interesting, tell me more
"The movie is awesome. The movie is going to do amazing numbers and change the way comedy is made."
Oh Tugger; poor deluded Tugger. It is time to give up the ghost.
"The book [I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell] is fucking legendary. Already on a collision course with it's destiny as part of the American canon."
-Tucker Max
The foregoing quotation is the reason Tucker will fail. He is too narcissistic to evaluate himself or his efforts accurately. He can't even keep his bullshit consistent at this point. In the post that quotation is taken from, Tucker cites the reviews as evidence the movie will be a hit. But virtually all the reviewers have shit all over the trailer, and Tucker wrote an entry on the production blog claiming critics are irrelevant. Tucker will just make things up to support his delusions of grandeur.
I love how Tucker says people have no credibility because of how many typos they make. Has he ever reread anything he's ever written???
Believe it or not, one of the original goals of the TMMB (precursor to the RMMB) was to help everyone become better writers. There were some professional writers on the board who would set good examples. We learned how to write in a much more concise and entertaining way with few (if any) typos.
By "we" I mean everyone but Tucker and Nils. I never did understand how D-Rex had his own blog. He wrote worse than Tucker on the boards. Although, I think he has a better grasp on grammar/syntax, he's still too much in the ether to really relate to a broad audience. He'd rather create an air of elitism via obscure academic references than become a folksy, well loved persona.
What do I know, though, I didn't get to write a book or make a movie. I guess I have it all wrong.
One of the goals of the TMMB was to make everyone better writers so Tucker could attach them to Rudius Media and exploit them.
@9:56, not really, if that was one of the goals, his ego got in the way.
The best writers on the original TMMB left the TMMB shortly after it became the RMMB. It's my understanding a few returned with the movie news but all were gone, for the most part, by 2006'ish and definitely by 2007.
Tucker couldn't handle any one getting more attention than him on his own site. Which is reasonable, I suppose. The best, most entertaining posters were not encouraged to post in the beginning. They weren't harassed but weren't supported either.
This last group of mods he picked were nearly entirely from the best writers on the board. Unfortunately, the standards dropped tremendously low so even the best were crappy by the original standards.
There were some posters on the board who wrote better than him and got more attention than him and the LAST thing he was going to do was befriend them and hire them as writers. He told the mods to keep their "eyes open." From what I heard, the last good writers left because the new mods were accusing them of postwhoring to get rep points. Tucker wouldn't dare let anyone ban them because they were too popular but he definitely felt a need to control them and assert himself and his lackeys as leaders.
Of course, that's just hearsay, I wasn't one that got attacked. In fact, I only had one run-in in over six years. One of the douchebag kid mods. This stuff comes from some of the others who were realized that the boards weren't worth their time/energy anymore and they moved on to more mature hobbies.
Originally posted by Geigs, yesterday, 10:30 PM
I just wanted to point out how fucking awesome movie Tucker's facial expression is as he is sprinting through the lobby. He fucking nails the look of angst and impending doom, I think i watched that little clip about 10 times and just pissed myself laughing.
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I'm here to "deconstruct" Tucker's constructors. Please accept my translation of Geigs' post.
- V
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
Subtext of what was Originally posted by Geigs, yesterday, 10:30 PM
I just wanted to point out how fucking lucky I am to be a part of Tucker's message board. He fucking gets it, really gets the complexity of the world and its innate humor, I think i read this board like 10 hours a day and always piss myself laughing. Thank you for creating a place where I can have human interactions that aren't paid for out of the hooker and boos funds.
Most Tard-on thing Tucker has said so far...
"There is a third possibility that will be part of the equation: The movie isn't going to appeal to all my current fans. Just like when I want from site to book I lost fans because I wrote a book for the non-fans, this movie was made for the non-fan, and as a result, some of the real hard core fans will hate it. A casualty of success, and one we are willing at accept. Especially if it means losing some of these people on this thread. And of course, it means picking up about 20 million more fans. Which will help dry the tears."
This is disgustingly awesome for the following reasons.
1. Tucker is justifying the hating on his on boards by dismissing this within historical context. (Though his version of history is as fictional as his semi-autobiographical crap stories.) This allows him to find resolution in the negativity and spurs motivation for continued self-lauding behaviors. A more lucid individual would slow down but Tucker is able to rearrange facts so that he speeds up.
2. Tucker says he has "hard core fans." Ha. He has FANBOIS at best. Hard core fans don't walk away because of a change of medium. If nothing else, they try the new source of "art" (dead baby) and find it unappealing and then return to their original source of admiration. The original work doesn't become any less fan-worthy just because an artist branches off into a few different colored leaves. This is how Tucker explains the absolutely transitory nature of his fanbase. His fans didn't leave because of a book and they won't leave because of a movie. They leave because they GROW the fuck up.
3. Tucker shows his absolute pathological inability to accept failure by talking about the past (which he characterizes as success) with the usage of "I" and changes to "we" when he discusses the potential fails of the future. His writing reveals his true limitations; even in conversational tone. Without being conscious of the process, Tucker prepares an excuse even before the fail. It's a habit and part of his being at this stage of the game.
4. 20 million more fans? Surely this asshole punks us. N'Sync was a rockin' and groovy set of fellas with dreamy eyes and smooth moves. Their music is pretty much unoffensive in every way. Still, it took them YEARS to build up 20 million fans even with international exposure. Tucker is no Justin Timberlake. Hell, Tucker isn't even close to a Lance Bass.
This is fun, I like this, I might be back.
- PP (psychological profiler)
"The professional haters that are hating on the trailer are just doing their thing--they hate everything, and the fact that they had such a viseral reaction to the movie is actually good news, and all that will play in fairly obvious ways over the next 60 days (if you can't understand that, you are profoundly fucking blind to the realities of modern media)." - Tucker Max, 2009
wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
I think Tucker believes that the movie aroused us in some way. I don't believe he understands that the majority of us were just completely underwhelmed. There was no visceral reaction; there was barely a "meh" or even an utterance of "lolwut." It took more energy than I wanted to use just to mumble, "what the fuck?"
I don't hate everything. I don't hate many things. I don't even really hate Tucker. I do hate the unfairness that comes to those who suffer from mental illness. They have an absolute inability to fit into the majority-driven society. Their views are ALWAYS revolutionary and no one ever gets it but them because they have a gift.
Sometimes, I believe they DO have a gift and intuition that they have nurtured while the rest of us focus our energies on an outward world. Most of the time, they are just as revolutionary as Tucker. Ask the man who writes cat poetry because that's the next big thing like "The Dog Whisperer" and all the crap on Animal Planet. Ask the gal who drinks only water that has been filtered through her own urine because that's the only natural way to go and others will soon see how wrong they were to criticize her choices.
I wish I knew what the realities of modern media were doing to us haterz. I can say that the realities of modern media ARE probably more relevant than Tucker realizes. There are many researches who are studying the development of personality in an internet society. There are studies to explore the onset, intensity, and duration of personality disorders now versus before the tech boom.
My personal opinion, matched by my professional opinion, is that this medium has provided Tucker with a dangerous amount of room in which to breed his narcissism. The internet provides an endless supply of individuals who don't know the backstory and are willing to trust without verification. Pre-internet, a mentally ill person would generally piss off people until they ran out of people and live their live around the same pissed off people or in reclusive isolation. Now, people who aren't able to sustain continuous functioning in the "real world" can feign normalization on the net. A virtual lifestyle without the inconvenience of context and sustainability. If you make a mistake, you can wipe it clean with the click of a mouse.
Sadly, this, I predict, will be Tucker's downfall. The expansion of the brand beyond a heavily moderated forum allows people into the fold who he can't click away. He's probably built a comfortable nest of propaganda-walls to protect him from negative reviews and criticism but if it persists; it will break through to his core. At that time, Tucker will do what all Cluster B's do when confronted with reality; FREAK the FUCK out. I hope it ends without harm to himself or others and I mean that in the most sincere and honest tone. I think he's very likely to end up like the "I told you I was hardcore" kid. Trying to prove himself in an indisputable way that ends with life altering Tucker Max fails.
From D-Rex "These are the specific kinds of comments that make me laugh out loud because they expose just how little so many of you know about both the technical and purely aesthetic sides of film. Don't misunderstand, I have no problem with you not liking how it looks. The aesthetic of the movie is not going to be for everyone. But if you said this to someone unrelated to the movie who also knows what they are talking about, they would laugh in your fucking face.
Just so you know."
Well, what about those of us who do not about the aesthetics of film? What the lay poster was referring to, likely, was the lack of cohesion of theme within the aesthetics of this film.
The types of shots aren't revolutionary. In fact, it's like a film student went through his 101 text book, ripping out pages, shuffling them, and then saying "let's try this for the next shot."
Cinematography is an art. The trailer, if representative of your film, would be akin to a song that starts out with hip hop bass thumping and busts into a trumpet jazz solo followed by a sonata and wrapped up with a 3rd grader singing "I'm a little teapot."
A films shots, angles, fades, cuts, whatever, should pace out the story and flatter the plot and the actors. Your cinematography team did NOT do this at all. The actors look HORRIBLE in some of the shots. I could break it down (deconstruct) the awful framing image by image for the trailer but I don't care enough to do that dear D-Rex.
How many still shots can you find in ANY major motion picture where the actors look cross-eyed, fatter than usual, superghey awkward, darker shadows so that their mouths aren't well lit while speaking, etc, etc, etc? You won't find ANY because it takes more than a good script and good actors to make a good film. (Not that you have those things either...)
It takes awareness and understanding of PRESENTATION of the material. Your film, judging by the trailer, lacks this central ingredient.
Just so YOU know...
How do these idiots keep saying there are no hijinx? I haven't read the script but based upon the trailer, hijinx as follows:
1. funny animals give you a punchline (or their equivalent of a punchline) (Dr. Doolittle variation = hijinx)
2. speed dating with reference to a murderous liar (The 40 Year Old Virgin variation = hijinx)
3. getting beaten up in prison (Harold & Kumar the first and second variation = hijinx)
4. strip club interactions surrounded by strippers in what appears to be a dream scene (every man-movie ever made variation = hijinx)
5. peeing outside and getting interrupted by cops (hmm, I can't even remember but I know I've seen it 100 times variation = hijinx)
6. bachelor party goes awry (this is totally original and revolutionary, totally NOT hijinx)
7. clogged toilet and nearly shitting pants (American Pie variation = hijinx)
I can't remember if that's all or not and I'm not going to watch the crappy trailer again to find out. We know Tucker is pathologically delusional and that the people with points on the film HAVE TO TALK IT UP because they are contractually obligated to tow the party line... but what the fuck is wrong with any non-financially involved human who actually believes this is an original, funny, and relevant film??
Deconstructing Nils:
In this episode: Everytime Nils Parker says something douchey, a child in Haiti is hacked to death by a machete.
Oh, the horror...
"From D-Rex "These are the specific kinds of comments that make me laugh out loud"
Unlike his script, which left him curiously mute.
"because they expose just how little so many of you know about both the technical and purely aesthetic sides of film."
An 8 year old child in Port a Prince was just hacked to pieces in front of a dumbfounded crowd. When her father was asked for a comment he cried:
"Damn you Nils Parker for saying something so douchey!!!"
Do you ever notice how Nils does the best Tucker Max impression? It's like he has no style other than pretty much copy Tucker. You could have said Tucker wrote that last statement and I wouldn't have blinked.
So what I'm really trying to say is that he's a douchebag.
"Don't misunderstand, I have no problem with you not liking how it looks."
How about if I have a problem with how you look? You're eyes are all over the place and you look like the product of an ogre and the fat village lady he raped.
No offense Mrs. Parker, but you made one ugly fucking child. Like if one day they found him murdering children in a goalie mask I would not be surprised.
It's not so much that Nils is ugly, it's that he readily puts down people for their looks.
"The aesthetic of the movie is not going to be for everyone."
Unless you're into REALLY BAD MOVIES.
"But if you said this to someone unrelated to the movie who also knows what they are talking about, they would laugh in your fucking face."
That's funny, since it seems most of Hollywood and the online film going public are laughing in your fucking face.
Seriously Nils, the cinematography isn't groundbreaking. It's competent at best, but it still looks cheap. You didn't exactly get a visionary in Bob Gosse, so really what you have is an average looking film, which coupled with the bad acting and horrible dialogue and you can see why people aren't impressed.
"Just so you know."
Nils Parker: Murderer of Haitian Children.
"because they expose just how little so many of you know about both the technical and purely aesthetic sides of film."
An 8 year old child in Port a Prince was just hacked to pieces in front of a dumbfounded crowd. When her father was asked for a comment he cried:
"Damn you Nils Parker for saying something so douchey!!!"
-------------------------------------
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Great image!!!
Oooooh. He's on edge. He can't even handle compliments now. He's raging at people who were trying to legitimately be nice to him. This nut is about to crack squirrels.
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Tucker Max === "Another example of asinine overexamination that leads to a conclusion that is not only wrong, but also really misguided.
The S has nothing to do with Michigan State. In fact, if that was the intent, it's not poetry, it's a really fucking lame attempt at a joke. That's a joke you would write. And why you aren't getting paid to write.
BUT--There IS a reason for that S, namely it is the end of a word. And that word IS a joke, especially when taken both in context of the chair itself, Drew's character, and his storyline (yeah, thats right, this movie derives most of its humor not from stupid, made up situations or ridiculous slapstick that has nothing to do with the story, this comedy derives its humor from the actual STORY).
But thats not in the trailer. None of it is even hinted at in the trailer. It IS in the movie. You will see it in the movie. Until then, maybe do something with your life other than examine the trailer frame by frame trying--and failing--to extract out of context meaning."
PP, please keep posting. Very insightful.
Here's a link for anyone and everyone to a site about narcissists. This particular page is about narcissists and the internet: http://samvak.tripod.com/narcissistinternet.html
This is a fine-looking young man:
http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3094/2659097344_248a938f01.jpg
Do any haterz have tickets to the tour? I want some firsthand accounts of the situation.
I would buy tix to my area (not yet sold out MAJOR college area w/Tucker ties) but I'm a fat chick and I don't need the hassle.
Tucker has never held a paying position outside of his family's restaurants.
Confirm or deny?
Tucker never talks about his mother because she no longer speaks to him and is out of his life.
Confirm or deny?
Tucker only buys underwear once a year at K-Mart.
Confirm or deny?
Nils Parker is devastatingly handsome.
Confirm or deny?
"Here's a link for anyone and everyone to a site about narcissists. This particular page is about narcissists and the internet: http://samvak.tripod.com/narcissistinternet.html"
Ah, "Malignant Self-Love".
I actually know Shmuel (Sam) personally. I met him at a Futurism convention in San Luis Obispo a few years back. I think it was 2006. Anyway, he, unlike Tucker, IS a narcissist, and I might add, a very self-aware one. He's also a goddamned Jew-Genius (in homage to the long-departed Anti-Semite guy). Seriously, the guy is fucking brilliant, though very lackadaisical given his abilities, from what I've seen.
You should read his fictional scenario detailing a second American Civil War. It's out there somewhere, and it's fucking awesome. If there ever IS a 2nd American Civil War, he totally predicted the genesis and resolution of it.
In any case, though he is something of an oddball, Shmuel has truly added to the grand compendium of human endeavor in an albeit roundabout way, while Tucker has contributed nothing but fabricated tales of his awesomeness, chronicling his fictional exploits of taped anal sex, crashes into fictional donut shops, fights with hockey mascots and ridiculously unrealistic, completely unfeasible lingerie parties at sushi joints.
And in addition to being a notorious liar, Tucker is an utter douchebag.
But do read Vaknin's shit. He might be a bit of a douche, but at least (unlike Tucker) he's a highly intelligent douche.
In sixteen years following high school (34 - 18), Tucker has earned a college degree (it took him three years) and a JD (another three years). That's six years. So, in ten years' time, he's written a grand total of one book and one movie script. Talk about your overachievers.
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