The story below was copied from a
Facebook.com account. A link to this story in the comments to an older post awhile ago.
Tucker Max's face, meet Megan ******'s hand
Megan was discussing ball shaving with a nice man at a tailgate. Good start to this story;) NE ways, Tucker Max was also at the tailgate and started talking shit to Megan (he obviously thought she was a hot girl who would sleep w/ him if acted like an asshole, and he was showing off in front of his buddies). Megan hit him on the arm, and he said that meant Megan wanted to fuck him because if she hit him in the face, then he'd know she was mad. She then dissed his elastic waistband (yes, he was wearing elastic waistband shorts, what is he, 12?), and he said "its so stupid bitch whores like you can suck my dick without any confusion." So she slapped him in the face!!!
Tucker threw his drink at her, Candice threw her drink at Tucker with lightning fast reflexes, then he proceeded to grab Megan by her hair and hit her in the face with his pathetically small hands. With a bruised face, and a bruised ego, he took his shriveled penis back to his buddies.
In Tucker Max's own words, "My name is Tucker Max, and I am an asshole." Oh, and he hits girls.
15,917 comments:
«Oldest ‹Older 4001 – 4200 of 15917 Newer› Newest»^^ Isn't there a scan of dis driver's license floating around somewhere that shows he's 32 or whatever?
http://www.truecrimereport.com/2008/09/tucker_max_fan_accused_of_rape.php
You're welcome
^^^ That's old.
^^^ yeah that's true. I doubt he'd photoshop it or lie about his age.
I retract that "he's 36" comment. It would be too pointless to lie about.
Meanwhile, he has fallen in love with a 23 year old. See myspace.
I recently realized that my roommate reminds me of Tucker Max, and now I hate my roommate.
After the /tucker_max_ portion, add this:
fan_accused_of_rape.php
http://www.truecrimereport.com/2008/09/tucker_max_fan_accused_of_rape.php
Now I know why bags so many babes
http://gawker.com/assets/images/gawker/2008/08/tsmall6.jpg
BWHWHWHAHA
He is definitely 36.
^^^How do you know?
1975 DOB on his driver's license
^^^
narrow shoulders
tiny hands
wide hips
no honor
filled with douche
this is the new master race neing created by viacom.
all these banking bailouts which are robbing the taxpayers are the same thing as viacom funding tucker to destroy honor, character, spirit, and soul, as they advance the fascist, totalitarian state.
soon viacom, kungfu mike, silly little freak, hank paulson, and ben bernanke will rule the world and remake it in their own corporate-state image.
^^^Word up, dun. Word up.
This is what happens when you put feminists in charage--Tucker Max.
Tucker Max is not a man.
He lacks courage.
He lacks honor.
He lacks integrity.
He lacks nobility.
And now that tucker and viacom and hank paulson and ben bernanke rule our world, the corproate-statist america that puts tucker on the nyt bestseller list, after all the feminist bankers deconstruct true literaure, is declining:
"President Dmitri Medvedev said Thursday that the U.S. crisis showed that "the times when one economy and one country dominated are gone for good." Speaking of the United States, Medvedev said the world no longer needed a "megaregulator."
Russia has argued that the freewheeling Anglo-American style of capitalism is to blame for the crisis, a position echoed by Germany and other Continental European nations. Medvedev even called it financial "egoism.""
http://2cents.dailyreckoning.com/viewforum.php?f=1&sid=94b6b34f91f456213eed397ada64eef4
http://americanwomensuck.com/
http://patrick.net/phpBB3/
Tucker is the ultimate product of feminism and the assualt on the manly soul--the emasculated corporate dictator. And yes--note the dictator's tiny hands, narrow shoulders, big head, and wide hips.
tucker max is a feminist who is responsible for the collapse of the economy and russia invading georgia? ryan holiday, is that you up to your same old shenigans? i'd rather talk about opie and anthony
"all these banking bailouts which are robbing the taxpayers are the same thing as viacom funding tucker to destroy honor, character, spirit, and soul, as they advance the fascist, totalitarian state.
soon viacom, kungfu mike, silly little freak, hank paulson, and ben bernanke will rule the world and remake it in their own corporate-state image."
Yeah dude, but then at that point their Empire gets defeated by the Rebels, led by Nova Starchaser, Cloud's son, whose father by then has turned to the Dark Side and serves Max's Empire of Corruption in a large Black Mechanized Cyborg Suit.
Don't ruin the plot to Douche Wars for the people who haven't lived it yet.
^^^
Yeah but according to the Prophecy it's actually Cloud who defeats him at the end after he turns back to the good side and throws Max down a giant chute or something with his hands all shooting Douche Lightning in vain.
Can someone please remind me how Tucker Max ends up literally taking over the world, because I always forget how that actually ends up happening.
^^^
Because of the whole Islamic situation with the War on Terror. In Episode 2, they use Max as a weapon of Cultural Warfare to undermine the radical Islamic Imams and he becomes the centerpiece of the movement to Westernize the entire Middle East by undercutting the Muslim Leadership with just basic primal drinking, fucking, and male energy.
So then all the dudes who were following like Ahmajinad and the Ayatollahs and all those dudes end up just saying, "Fuck it, let's just get wasted and bang chicks Tucker Max style," and thus begins the fall of Islamic Extremism and the Rise of Tucker Max on the Global Scale.
My favorite is always the Al Qaeda Boy Band, where they start dropping lyrical bombs and unleashing musical terrorism, and then their whole show gets blown up by Marines, and everyone is like "DUDE - WTF MARINES, THOSE BEATS WERE HOT!!"and the Marines just feel like big assholes for ruining the show, until MC SEMPERFI rocks out the party and smashes The Al Qaeda Boys with Strategic Lyrical Counter-Maneuvers.
"Soon Viacom will rule the world."
Don't they end up getting absorbed by Newscorps though? I know Murdoch is more major in the plot than Redstone, but I forget if the companies merge or it's just that The Illuminati run both of them.
Anyone remember on this one?
WHAT'S UP ALL YOU FAGGOT ASS MOTHERFUCKERS. THINK Y'ALL BETTER THAN TUCKER MAX, FUCKING MOTHERFUCKING BULLSHIT FUCKERS.
TUCKER MAX DON'T TAKE SHIT FROM NO FUCKING FOOLS, BABY. TUCKER MAX STYLE FOR LIFE MOTHERFUCKER.
YOU MOTHERFUCKERS FUCK WITH TUCKER MAX YOU FUCKING WITH ME NOW. NOW YOU GUESS WHO YOU DEALIN' WITH? I'LL GIVE YOU A CLUE MOTHERFUCKER: YOU DEALING WITH A HARD ASS PIPE HITTING NIGGER. YOU HANDLE THAT SHIT, MOTHERFUCKER?
HAMILTON NOLAN MOTHERFUCKING FAGGOT ASS RED HAIRED CRACKER THINKS HE GONNA SNARK IN MY BOY TUCKER'S FACE. I GOT ALL THAT MOTHERFUCKER'S DATA NOW, I KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT THAT TURD BOY, AND HE BETTER STRAIGHTEN HIS ASS OUT BEFORE MY MOTHERFUCKING ASS TEACH THAT SISSY A LESSON IN MOTHERFUCKING RESPECT.
YEAH MOTHERFUCKER.
TUCKER MAX STYLE BABY.
YOU KNOW WHAT Y'ALL MOTHERFUCKERS PROBLEMS IS? Y'ALL BE HATIN ON MY BOY TUCKER CAUSE Y'ALL DON'T KNOW HOW TO FUCK NO PUSSY, BABY.
MOTHERFUCKERS, I BANG PUSSY EVERY DAY SON. YEAH BABY, YOU FEEL THAT SHIT? I GET MY DICK RIGHT IN THEM BITCHES.
I BET Y'ALL NEVER TOUCH NO TITTIES, NO NO NO. Y'ALL BE SITTING MASTURBATING TO TUCKER MAX, Y'ALL WRITE HATE POSTS WITH Y'ALLS DICKS IN Y'ALL HANDS, THAT'S WHAT MOTHERFUCKERS BE DOING, AND I SENSE THAT SHIT.
YOU MOTHERFUCKERS NEED TO GET OFF THE COMPUTER AND BANG THAT PUSSY SON. THAT'S HOW WE DO SHIT TUCKER MAX STYLE.
COURSE YOU FUCKERS DON'T KNOW SHIT ABOUT THAT, THAT'S WHY YOU AIN'T GOT NO BITCH SUCKING Y'ALL DICKS.
YEAH MOTHERFUCKER. TUCKER MAX 4 LIFE.
Caps lock is cruise control for coooooooooooool.
^^^Nobody's afraid of you, nigger. Go get lynched, darkie. Nobody respects you.
How many Nerf dart guns does Tucker have at his new pad? Also, do you think his own dogs hate him?
I wanted to post this in the Gawker call out thread but it is closed. Tucker, is part of your PR strategy hiring a PI to investigate the Gawker writers who have been fanning the rap-ey frat-ey flames? Because if so it is fucking hilarious.
-- By SlimJimMcFinn
How long until he's banned?
keep thinking about tucker...
^^^Sure beats working
Hey taint guy! When you think about Tucker, are you pitcher or catcher?
Actually, never mind. I don't really want to know.
"keep thinking about tucker..."
I think about Tucker nearly everyday. The same way I think about dickhead employees I have. Asshole neighbors, and loud-mouthed delusional assholes who talk too much.
Great motto you have, Tucker. Now go play some video games with dudes in shorts.
TAT
Thizzle abizzle Otto.
@7:10 PM: Taintguy is more of a second baseman. Tainguy enjoys catching the balls between his teeth while he savors the sweet, sweet aroma of Tucker's hot sweaty taint, gently extracting each salty nugget of collected waxy goodness with the tip of his tongue. He wipes the taint with his hand, covering it with its moisture and grease and masturbates with it as he savors the delicious flavor of taint. Taintguy loves the buttery feel and musky taste in his mouth and treats the occasional clump of errant feces as a special treat.
^What the hell!?
^^Holy fuck. I'm gonna stop visiting this site from now on.
That was gross.
I enjoy soup.
Taintguy also enjoys soup. He'll share a recipe with you later.
On the RMMB, Jelly Beans wrote:
"I don't think there's any way in hell this movie will gross more than $10 or $12 million. For one, it's not going to open big. The vast majority of Americans have never heard of Tucker Max, including people in the targeted demographic (younger males). And there's absolutely nothing about the movie that will generate enough "buzz" for it to open big. It's your standard run-of-the-mill teen comedy, there's nothing we haven't seen before and there's nothing controversial (as opposed to movies like Passion of the Christ and Blair Witch Project, which did create buzz for these reasons).
As for the actual movie, I have some problems with it. For one, there are no memorable scenes whatsoever. After reading it I can't even remember one scene that stood out as overly funny, or witty, or gross, or whatever the hell would make it a scene memorable and amusing. You look at a similar genre movie that is successful, like American Pie, and it has one memorable scene after the other... Jim gets caught masturbating, Stifler drinks the spooged beer, Jim blows his load with Nadia, Jim fucks the pie, Finch shits himself in school, Jim and Michelle fuck, Finch and Stifler's mom fuck, etc etc. These scenes are designed mostly for humor purposes, and in between these scenes there are meaningful character interactions that drive the story. Tucker's movie has the meaningful character interactions, but it doesn't have the memorable scenes that will keep us entertained.
Also, I really don't give a shit about the characters. None of them are particularly amusing, I don't identify with any of them, and I've seen them all before (with the possible exception of Sling Blade's character). There isn't the underdog weirdo that keeps screwing up, but that you can't help but root for... like Jim in American Pie, Kyle in Road Trip, Milton in Office Space, Pee-Wee in Porky's, Flounder in Animal House, Ben Stiller in Something About Mary, etc etc etc. The list goes on and on. EVERY good comedy has this character. Tucker will answer this by saying that his movie is unique and revolutionary, and I have to respect that, but his revolutionary formula just doesn't work in the movies. It doesn't provide enough amusement."
keep thinking about tucker.
Hey taint guy! I'm thinking about Tucker. I'm also thinking about you! See, I'm thinking about the two of you reenacting "2 girls 1 cup".
@6:46: Taintguy asks, how's that thought working for you?
Yeah the script is pretty marginal. Not sure why he thinks it's some new type of character or original material.
Movie might do well. The title will help as far as PR, etc. But noting really jumps out as groundbreaking. Maybe the lead guy Matt is amazing and it will work. I love the movie Swingers. It had a budget of 200K and made close to 5 million. That movie had a heart and characters you liked.
Will be curious to see final cut of this film. Doubt I'll go to theater, but I will watch even if I have to download from a free newsgroup.
I think the diarrhea/shit scene is/will be memorable, unless they butcher it to keep an R rating.
I fail to see how slingblade/aaron/jeff/whoever is unique. Guy gets dumped by his girlfriend, gets depressed, meets woman with a heart of gold. Doesn't sound cliched at all, does it?
keep thinking about tucker.
-TATguy
The ending scene is pretty good!
101 INT. WEDDING RECEPTION - CONTINUOUS 101
TUCKER
At three in the morning, on my
knees, literally cleaning up my
shit for the first time in my adult
life, I finally understood what an
amazing person Jeff is, and how
lucky I am...was...to call him my
friend.
Tucker turns to look at Jeff and Kristy with real sincerity,
choking up a little.
TUCKER (CONT'D)
Jeff, Kristy, I hope you can accept
my sincere apology. When I came to
your hotel room last night to say
sorry, I honestly didn't understand
what I was apologizing for. But
over the past 24 hours, it's hit me
like, well, like ten pounds of
slippery shit. I've been a horrible
friend. And even though I probably
don't deserve to have either of you
in my life, I had to come here to
tell you that and to ask you for
your forgiveness.
99. ANGLE on Jeff and Kristy, who look at each other.
TUCKER (CONT’D)
I know this will probably scare the
crap out of most of you, but I hope
to have kids someday. I am sure I
will only have daughters, and they
will all be vicious sluts who sleep
with assholes just like me and then throw it in my face. But such is karma. If one is a boy, though, I will consider myself a huge success as a father if he grows up to be half the man that Jeff Smith is right now.
ANGLE ON the room. Expressions have softened, the room is
quiet, some still unsure what to think. ANGLE ON Aaron and
Lara.
LARA
(crying)
That’s so sweet.
Aaron rolls his eyes. ANGLE ON Tucker, who has turned to
address Jeff directly.
TUCKER
Jeff, I have never thanked you,
never acknowledged you, never
really even thought about it. I
just took from you, dude. I’m
really sorry. And for once, I want
to give you something back.
Tucker motions to the bartender, who flips a set of switches
that pull back the drapes on the bay windows behind the head
table, revealing a huge bouncy castle on the lawn.
KRISTY’S MOTHER
Oh no.
JEFF
OH YES! AWESOME!
The crowd erupts with laughter and applause. The children run
outside to play in it. Tucker sets the mike down and hugs
Jeff and Kristy and they toast to the bride and groom.
FADE OUT
Tucker rules!
I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell
by
Tucker Max and Nils Parker
Based on the book by Tucker Max
Tucker Max
5042 Wilshire Dr #815
LA, CA 90036
323-351-7640
Tuckermax@gmail.com
Nils Parker
5042 Wilshire Dr #815
LA, CA 90036
510-773-9669
Nilsparker@yahoo.com
[4/15/08 DRAFT]
1 INT. POLICE CAR - NIGHT - DURHAM, NC 1
Cold opens to two cops driving in a police car. Stark,
dramatic feel, like THE SHIELD. Opening credits roll over the
scene. The radio cackles alive.
DISPATCHER (O.S.)
Attention all units, attack in
progress at 742 Evergreen Terrace.
Screaming woman heard from inside
the residence. Respond Code 3.
The cop driving picks up the CB unit and turns on the lights
and siren.
COP 1
5430, show us responding, we'll be
at scene in under a minute.
DISPATCHER
5430, additional person reporting
stated they still hear screaming.
COP 1
Roger. Keep the PR on the line. Do
they have a suspect description?
DISPATCHER
Negative. Reporting sound of glass
breaking.
The cops look at each other ominously, slam on the gas pedal.
2 EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING - MOMENTS LATER 2
The car pulls to a stop and the cops jump out. Loud, guttural
female groaning and a crash from the apartment. They check
the windows, curtains are closed, so they kick in the door.
3 INT. APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS 3
Cops bust in, see a naked girl bent over a sofa arm being
fucked hard from behind by a naked guy. Her arms are tied
together behind her back, and he is holding them and spanking
her, like a jockey. A lamp is in pieces on the floor, clothes
are strewn around the apartment. They have their backs to the
door and her screams are so loud they don’t hear the cops.
COP 1
STOP! Get your hands up and move
away from the woman!
COP 1 tackles the guy, he screams in shock. COP 2 pulls the
girl away and wraps his coat over her naked body.
COP 2
Are you ok, Miss?
She grunts and tries moving her hands but can’t because they
are tied up. COP 2 unties her, ANGLE ON COP 1, his knee in
the back of the guy, cuffing him.
TUCKER
I have money in my wallet, just
take it!!
COP 1
This is the police, shut up and
stop resisting.
TUCKER
WHAT!? Why are you hand-cuffing me?
COP 1
Shut up! Stop resisting!
The cop secures the cuffs and takes out his Tazer.
TUCKER
What is going on?!? Why are you
arresting me?!?
COP 1
Shut up. This is your last warning.
He points the tazer at Tucker, who looks up in shock.
TUCKER
DON’T TAZE ME, BRO!!!
COP 2 comes over tentatively and taps on COP 1’s shoulder.
COP 2
Uh...hey Partner, you might want to
take a look at this.
COP 1 turns to see the girl, the policeman’s jacket barely
covering her, furiously signing at him and making the grunty
noises deaf people make when they try to talk.
COP 2 (CONT’D)
She’s deaf.
COP 1
She’s what?
2.
The deaf girl gets in COP 1’s face and signs, exaggeratedly,
while also speaking in an unmodulated voice of a deaf person.
DEAF GIRL
I! AM! DEAF!
The expression on COP 1’s face goes from intense to confused.
COP 2
We don't have a crime. She says the
sex was consensual.
DEAF GIRL
He wasn’t raping me, he was fucking
me. You know, fucking!
She points her finger at her crotch, moving her hips back and
forth. The three of them stand there for a beat.
TUCKER
Now that we have that cleared up,
you two think you could leave?
DEAF GIRL
I was about to cum!
Screen goes to black, and the masthead appears:
I HOPE THEY SERVE BEER IN HELL
Opening credits roll as...
4 EXT. LAW SCHOOL - DAY 4
TUCKER, 24, handsome and self-possessed, pulls his car into
the parking lot, and gives the Guy Head Nod to a familiar
passer-by as he strides coolly into the law school.
TUCKER *
Ever fuck a deaf chick? Of course *
you haven’t. *
5 INT. LAW SCHOOL LIBRARY - CONTINUOUS 5
In the common area of the law library, a mixed group is
sitting around bullshitting instead of studying.
FRIEND #1
(a girl) *
I still can’t believe you’re
getting married, Jeff.
3.
FRIEND #2
I can’t believe she said yes.
The group laughs as we ANGLE on JEFF, 24, a thick-necked, exhigh
school athlete no one has ever accused of being a nerd.
JEFF
Shit, man, I’m starting to regret
that she didn’t say no. This
wedding planning stuff is nuts. I *
spent all night looking through *
wedding magazines and books of *
white flowers. Just white. *
FRIEND #2 *
Jesus. I hope I never have to get
married.
ANGLE ON Tucker entering the library.
JEFF *
With your face, I think you’re *
safe. *
Tucker stands behind Jeff with a smile waiting for Jeff to
notice him while the friends at the table gawk at Jeff. *
JEFF (CONT'D)
What?
TUCKER
Raise your hand if you’ve ever
fucked a deaf girl.
A beat. Jeff whips around as Tucker smiles deviously and *
slowly raises his hand. The group bursts into hysterics.
GROUP
Bullshit!
No way.
Deaf girls are hot.
Lies.
Can you hear me now? *
JEFF
You had sex with a deaf chick? *
TUCKER
You’re deaf too now? *
Tucker starts mock-signing.
4.
TUCKER (CONT'D)
(in a mongoloid voice)
Yes, Jeff, I had sex with a deaf
girl. *
JEFF *
Didn’t you hook up with a mute girl *
last semester? You’re 2/3 of the *
way to a Helen Keller. *
6 INT. LAW SCHOOL CLASSROOM - A LITTLE LATER 6
Jeff and Tucker are next to each other in an auditorium style
class. Everyone has laptops open in front of them.
TUCKER
I almost shit myself when those
cops busted in. I thought she set
me up or something.
JEFF
Bad boys, bad boys, whatcha gonna
do, whatcha gonna do when you’re
fucking a deaf girl and the cops
come for you?
The professor is perturbed with the talking in the back.
PROFESSOR
Mr. Max. What is your take on this
issue?
TUCKER
I’m sorry, what issue is that?
PROFESSOR
Are you not paying attention Mr.
Max?
TUCKER
I wasn’t, I apologize, I was busy
talking about having sex with a
deaf girl.
The class laughs.
PROFESSOR
Charming...and oddly appropriate.
Do you or do you not feel that
Little People should be a protected
class?
5.
TUCKER
You mean midgets?
PROFESSOR
Yes, Mr. Max, if you must, midgets.
Do you think they should be
protected?
TUCKER
What are we protecting them from,
eagles and poachers and stuff? Like *
an endangered species?
The class erupts again.
JEFF
Poachers?
TUCKER
It could happen. You know if Kanye
showed up to a club in a midget
stoll, they’d be extinct in a week.
PROFESSOR
Mr. Max if you didn’t do the
reading, then...
TUCKER
No, I don't think midgets should be
considered a protected class for
the purposes of employment
discrimination law. I think their
physical limitations put them
squarely within the business
necessity and reasonable
accommodation defenses of the
Americans with Disabilities Act.
PROFESSOR
Where do you draw the line then?
TUCKER
I’m not sure. I figure it’s like
riding a roller coaster. You must
be this high to get ADA protection.
Tucker puts his hand at chest level and the class laughs.
PROFESSOR
Very funny, Mr. Max. What if I told
you that I just finished a pro bono
case involving a gentleman's club
that terminated the employment of a
dancer with dwarfism because she--
6.
Tucker lurches forward in his seat.
TUCKER
You represented a midget stripper?
PROFESSOR
They prefer the term ‘Little
Person’.
TUCKER
Was she fired?
PROFESSOR
No, they gave her her job back.
Tucker has that mischievous twinkle in his eye.
TUCKER
What club was it?
PROFESSOR
Mr. Max, if you’re genuinely
interested in the case, come to
office hours and I’ll fill you in.
Until then let’s remember this is a
constitutional law class, not Adult
Friend Finder.
TUCKER
Touche! I will shut up now.
Aside to Jeff, as Professor drones on about the case.
TUCKER (CONT’D)
So, you ready for your bachelor
party tonight?
JEFF
Locked and loaded.
TUCKER
I’m gonna go get Aaron, meet us at
the campus bar after class.
Tucker closes his laptop as we go to black.
7 INT. AARON’S APT. - MINUTES LATER 7
The apartment is dark and spartan. Aaron is slouched down in
the room’s only chair, in front of a meticulously organized
media center, playing a Grand Theft Auto-style game.
7.
Aaron is 24, tall and lanky with angular features. He’s neat,
almost finicky about his appearance, but underneath, he’s a
maladjusted, beaten down Star Trek nerd. He’s got a headset
on that is connected to his controller.
AARON
I’m going down the alley to beat up
the hooker. Watch my six.
Aaron’s phone rings. He puts his Bluetooth in his other ear.
In SPLIT SCREEN, Tucker barrels through city traffic. Aaron’s
his digital doppelganger; running down pedestrians on screen
as Tucker sends them running for cover in real life.
TUCKER
Yo, Aaron. It’s Tucker.
Aaron flips out and hits the video game controller furiously.
AARON
What the hell is going on!?
Aaron’s car is getting shot up from behind.
TUCKER
I’m coming to get you, we’re going
drinking.
Aaron’s character dies on the screen.
AARON
What the hell!? YOU SUCK!!
TUCKER
What?
AARON
Is this your idea of having my
back?!
TUCKER
This is a great idea! I need a
drink and you need some daylight.
AARON
What kind of wingman are you, you
selfish little shit-for-brains?!
8.
(MORE)
I should come over to your house,
cut off your stubby virgin hands
and beat you to death with them,
HotWheelz!
9 INT. AARON’S APT. - CONTINUOUS 9 *
Aaron rips off both headsets, hurls his controller, and
storms into the kitchen. *
10 EXT. STREET/INT. TUCKER’S CAR 10
Tucker pulls up to the curb in front of Aaron’ building. *
11 INT. AARON’S KITCHEN - MOMENTS LATER 11
Aaron is standing against the counter eating cereal.
AARON
Ahhhh, Captain Crunch. My old
friend.
(baby talk)
You wouldn't leave me hanging in an
alley full of hookers. I’m not
gonna catch you in the cupboard
sucking off Toucan Sam. Noooo, you
have integ-wuh-tee and disci-pwin.
12 EXT. AARON’S APARTMENT - SIMULTANEOUS 12
A chair with “HERS” stenciled on the back and an over-flowing
box sit outside. “HERS” has been crossed out and “WHORES”
written in Sharpie underneath. “WHORE’S BELONGINGS” is
scrawled on the top of the box. Tucker opens the lid.
Something is written on the inside.
TUCKER
(reading, but to himself)
Take whatever you want, her box is
apparently open to all.
Tucker sifts through the box: Han Solo and Princess Leia
figurines with their kung-fu grip hands melted together,
women’s clothes, pictures of a blissful Aaron and a striking,
but disinterested, brunette. The box is peppered with unused
tampons that have been snapped in half.
9.
AARON (CONT'D)
13 INT. AARON’S APT. - CONTINUOUS 13
Tucker barges in without knocking and opens all the drapes; *
flooding the dark, depressive sanctuary of pain with light. *
TUCKER
Look at this place. It’s a shrine
to cuckoldry and rage.
Aaron plops down in his chair. The back has “HIS” stenciled
into it, matching the “HERS” outside.
TUCKER (CONT'D)
You ready?
AARON
What are you babbling about?
TUCKER
We’re going to the bar. I just told
you on the phone.
AARON
I don’t pay attention to what you
say. I just wait for you to stop
talking about yourself, get bored,
and hang up.
AARON stares blankly ahead at the television.
TUCKER
Did Sarah call yet?
Tucker goes into the kitchen to get himself a chair and grabs
two beers from the fridge.
AARON
No. She probably has trouble
talking with a dick in her mouth.
Tucker sets the chair down, grabs the remote, and stops on
the opening credits of Jem & the Holograms.
TUCKER
This cartoon is disturbingly hot.
Can you imagine a threesome with
Jem and Jerrica?
AARON
I can imagine them both cheating on
me.
10.
TUCKER
Jerrica runs a foster home. She
wouldn’t cheat.
AARON
She voluntarily surrounds herself
with shattered little lives so her
dysfunctional existence feels more
normal. You think she wouldn’t pull
her cartoon panties to the side for
the first guy who tells her she’s
pretty?
Aaron waits in vain for Tucker to respond.
AARON (CONT'D)
Of course she would. They all
would. Even the foster kids, those
validation seeking little sluts.
Click. Tucker changes the channel, a DeBeers commercial.
Aaron lurches forward jabbing his finger at the television.
AARON (CONT'D)
I'm onto your game DeBeers--
diamonds are almost worthless other
than the value attached to them by
the silly tramps you've brainwashed
into thinking “diamond equals
love.” Guess what sluts, your quest
for the perfect princess cut is
supporting terrorism and genocide.
Congratulations, your avarice has
managed to destroy an entire
continent!
TUCKER
Sarah kept the ring?
AARON
I hope you die in a fire.
TUCKER
You act like you’re the first
person in the world to get cheated
on. It happens to everyone, dude,
even me.
AARON
Oh, really? Does everyone catch
their fiancee sucking off a rapper?
11.
14 INT. SARAH’S APARTMENT - FLASHBACK - TWO WEEKS AGO 14
Aaron lets himself in with keys attached to an old, tattered
Duke GI Joe keychain. He’s carrying a box of Earl Grey tea
and a bag of throat lozenges.
AARON
Hey honey, how are you doing?
Sarah is vigorously pumping her head in the crotch of
Grillionaire, an iced-out white rapper. He’s sloppily eating
a sandwich and using the remote when he spots Aaron.
GRILLIONAIRE
WHAT IT DO BABY! GRILLIONAIRE IN DA
HOUSE!!
SARAH jerks up and turns panicked to see Aaron just as he
slams the front door behind him.
15 INT. AARON’S LIVING ROOM - BACK TO CURRENT SCENE 15
TUCKER
Hey, who knew blowjobs were good *
for sore throats, right? *
AARON
The most rewarding part of our
friendship is your ability to find
personal amusement in the
destruction of my life.
TUCKER
It’s not that bad, dude. You always
get stuck in these cycles. When you
get depressed like this, you need
to ask yourself What would Tucker
do?, and then go do that.
AARON
I already know what you would do,
and I have no desire to get HIV
from one of the cum dumpsters into
whom you shoot your emotional pain
every weekend.
TUCKER
You know HIV is basically curable
now. It doesn’t even show up in
Magic Johnson’s blood anymore.
12.
AARON
You’re telling me that Magic
Johnson is black AND has AIDS...and
he has it better than me?
16 INT. CAMPUS BAR - AN HOUR LATER 16
Campus Bar is part sports bar, part dingy hook-up dungeon.
Tucker is flirting aggressively with Leslie, a gorgeous co-ed
waitress. Aaron, disgusted, is staring off at the TV.
LESLIE
I love kids. When I graduate I want
to work with children, and have a
bunch of my own. What about you?
TUCKER
Are you kidding, I love kids too. I
can’t wait to have more.
LESLIE
(shocked)
You have kids?
TUCKER
No, I’m just playing.
AARON
He does, they’re just all in the
compost heap behind Planned
Parenthood.
Leslie doesn’t know whether to be creeped out or disgusted.
TUCKER
(boyishly charming)
If you do stem cell research, you
could work with them.
She tries not to laugh, but can’t help herself. Jeff breezes
in and sidles up. Tucker swats Leslie on the ass.
TUCKER (CONT’D)
Run along baby, man talk. I have
your number, I’ll call you.
Leslie walks away, clearly smitten. Aaron shakes his head.
AARON
Who says romance is dead?
13.
JEFF
How can you be angry at women, yet
at the same time, be mad at the
things Tucker does?
AARON
I’m like a feminist; I can assert
multiple contradictory positions.
Tucker scoffs. The bartender was eavesdropping and breaks in.
CAMPUS BARTENDER
(to Tucker)
Hey, listen bro, can you do me a
favor and not talk to my server
like that? It’s disrespectful.
TUCKER
Excuse me?
CAMPUS BARTENDER
I think you heard me.
TUCKER
Oh, I heard you, Hero. You don’t
want me flirting with your server.
I didn’t know she belonged to you.
I thought she was an individual
with free will?
CAMPUS BARTENDER
It’s a figure of speech, bro.
TUCKER
Well, BRO, here’s another figure of
speech for you: Mind your own
fucking business. I’m sorry I’ve
accomplished more in 30 minutes
with Leslie than you have in two
years, but she looked pretty happy
talking to me. Or maybe she rubs
her crotch against all the
customers.
CAMPUS BARTENDER *
I think it might be time for you to *
leave.
TUCKER
Or maybe it’s just time for you to
get me another drink.
Tucker waves his empty glass. *
14.
CAMPUS BARTENDER *
I don’t think so. *
Leslie passes by with a full drink tray. Tucker makes eye *
contact and motions her over, pulling her into him with his *
arm around her waist. He plucks a beer from her tray. *
TUCKER *
Hey sweetie, just put this on my *
tab, okay. *
Tucker disarms her with charm and she gives it up easily. The *
bartender sees this transpire and seethes. *
LESLIE *
(to Campus Bartender) *
Sam, could you get me another beer *
for table six? *
The bartender lifts the bar door and postures up. Jeff slides *
in behind Tucker, who turns away unconcerned.
JEFF
(calmly but assertively)
I will have what he’s having. Thank
you.
Jeff locks eyes intimidatingly with the bartender who
considers his options and relents.
TUCKER
Listen, I know everything is set
for tonight, but I think we should
discuss a potential change in venue
for your bachelor party.
AARON
Oh, this should be good.
TUCKER
The strip club we’re supposed to go
to sucks. It’s dirty and decrepit
and the girls that don’t have
stretch marks have personalities
like the worst parts of the Bible.
AARON
Personalities? We have to talk to
them?
TUCKER
Some of us actually enjoy the
company of women, Aaron.
15.
AARON
Yeah, I’m the misogynist here.
TUCKER
It wouldn’t be so bad if Durham
hadn’t passed that ridiculous ‘no
touch’ ordinance. All we can do is
sit at a table and look at them.
JEFF
I thought you said they were
disgusting. Why would we want to
touch them?
TUCKER
What do you want to do Jeff, play
checkers? This is a fucking
BACHELOR PARTY.
JEFF
Well, what did you have in mind?
TUCKER
A short two hour drive away is a
strip club called Baby Dolls. I’m
sorry. Let me back up. This isn’t
just some strip club. This is the
Super Bowl of carnal pleasure.
AARON
We’ve been to strip clubs before.
TUCKER
Not like this one, dude. The first
time I got a lap dance there, the
stripper grabbed my hands and put
them on her tits. The second dance,
she turned around and basically dry
humped me the entire time. She was
gorgeous and wasn't even close to
being the best one there.
AARON
I used to think there was a bright
line between a gentleman's club and
a brothel. Now you're telling me
it's just gray.
JEFF
You can full-on grab their breasts
and they don’t care?
16.
TUCKER
They encourage it.
AARON
I bet they had good childhoods.
TUCKER
And the very best part: $5 cover,
$10 dances, $2 drinks. All. Night.
AARON
I’d rather fellate a hot curling
iron than drive 150 miles because
Tucker breast fed until he was
eight.
JEFF
I can’t leave. Tomorrow we have a
bunch of meetings and stuff to take
care of. Seating chart and whatnot.
TUCKER
Seating chart?!
AARON
I’m sure Kristy can cut that
Gordian knot.
JEFF
It’s not that simple.
TUCKER
Yes it is. It’s an LSAT logic game.
A table seats 8 people. Tucker must
sit next to a single woman with
large breasts. Aaron must not sit
next to anyone with a vagina. No
one else matters. Boom, done.
JEFF
The wedding is next weekend, man.
I’m not just going to leave Kristy
hanging because of some stupid notouch
policy. That’s your issue,
not mine.
17.
TUCKER
We’ll be back tomorrow afternoon.
Look dude, if we stay in Durham, we
can’t have the experience we need
to make up for that abomination of
an engagement party you had with
Kristy’s family.
17 INT. SOUTHERN BAPTIST CHURCH - BASEMENT - FLASHBACK 17
Nicely-dressed people sit around folding tables in a basement
Sunday School room. A sign taped to a wall: “CONGRATULATIONS
JEFF AND KRISTY! MAY JESUS BLESS YOUR HOLY MATRIMONY!”
Jeff’s at a table between Kristy’s father, Mr. Jorgens and
Kristy’s brothers. They have that foppish swoop of hair
hanging down over their brows like young Southern men you
want to punch in the head.
MR. JORGENS
I’m glad you’re having a good time,
son. I was worried those godless,
usurious law school friends of
yours might lead you astray.
JEFF
No, sir.
MR. JORGENS
I’m sure they would rather be out
drankin’ and fornicatin’.
JEFF
Probably, sir.
ANGLE ON Mrs. Jorgens, Kristy’s mother, leading bible bingo.
Like every white woman under sixty in Texas, she has dyedyellow
hair and make-up applied with a shotgun. She’s petite
but looks scary intense.
MRS. JORGENS
I-6. Isaiah One Six.
ANGLE ON Jeff as his cell phone rings.
JEFF
It’s Career Services from law
school, probably about a job
interview. Hello?
ANGLE ON Tucker, Aaron and Kristy at a table in the back of
the room. Tucker has the phone tilted out so they can hear.
18.
TUCKER
Having a great time back here. This
is definitely better than getting
drunk with strippers.
ANGLE ON Mrs. Jorgens.
MRS. JORGENS
From the sole of your foot to the
top of your head there is no
soundness– only wounds and welts
and open sores. Hugh, honey, who
does that sound like?
ANGLE ON Jeff as Mr. Jorgens talks to his sons sitting next
to Jeff.
JEFF
Tomorrow morning? Sure I can make
that.
MR. JORGENS
Of course that’s who Isaiah’s
talking about. The open sores are
from having their horns and tails
cut off so they can blend in with
the humans.
SPLIT SCREEN with Jeff and Tucker, Aaron and Kristy.
TUCKER
Hey Jeff, does Daddy know his
little girl likes anal?
KRISTY
Tucker! Shut up! My mom has hearing
like a vampire bat.
JEFF
I’m not in a position to answer
that at this time.
TUCKER
Fuck it. I think I’m just going to
order some strippers.
AARON
Make them papists and have them
give us communion. It’ll set this
congregation ablaze!
19.
18 INT. CAMPUS BAR - AFTERNOON - BACK TO CURRENT SCENE 18
JEFF
I don’t know, man.
TUCKER
Jeff, you know you’re my boy, but I
have to be honest. If you keep
acting like a bitch, someone’s
gonna fuck that pussy in your face.
Jesus Christ dude, this is IT! This
is our last gasp together as single
men!
JEFF
Yeah, I guess.
TUCKER
And what about Aaron!?
AARON
Don’t drag me into this. There’s a
Next Generation marathon this
weekend. I am just fine lusting
after Deanna Troy and stewing in my
cocoon of loneliness and anger.
TUCKER
He hasn’t been out of the house
since his girl tore out his heart
and stomped it with bling shoes!
Aaron needs this!
JEFF
You do need this.
AARON
I need this like I need hepatitis
C.
TUCKER
You need this! WE ALL NEED THIS!!
IT’S OUR DESTINY AS MEN!!
JEFF
Yeah, you’re right man! I’m in.
Fuck yes! Let’s go!
They walk out as Tucker pays his tab to the bartender.
20.
TUCKER
Oh by the way, BRO, make sure to
tell Leslie that I’m an asshole and
that she should stay away. It’ll
only help me.
INT. TUCKER’S 19 CAR - DAY - AT CURB - MINUTES LATER 19 *
At the curb in front of Jeff’s apartment complex, Jeff in the *
driver’s seat, Tucker and Aaron in the back. *
TUCKER
You are an integral part of this
trip, dude, and you’ve earned it.
So put your fucking game face on!
JEFF
Let’s do this!
Jeff bolts from the car and bounds toward his apartment.
AARON
He’s going to fail worse than a
Friends spin-off.
20 INT. JEFF'S APARTMENT - AFTERNOON - MOMENTS LATER 20
A wedding bomb has gone off. Kristy is flipping through "The
Wedding Binder." She's in sweats and her hair's a ratty mess.
Jeff kisses her and nuzzles his head against her neck.
KRISTY
Guess who just called. My mom.
JEFF
What’s wrong, did another dinosaur
fossil test her faith?
KRISTY
She’s coming into town early to
help out. Isn’t that nice of her?
Kristy strains a smile.
JEFF
How early?
A beat.
KRISTY
Tomorrow.
21.
JEFF
Tomorrow?! You know she's only
coming early so she can take
control of everything.
KRISTY
No she’s not. Quit being dramatic.
JEFF
If she has her way the reception
will be a potluck in a barn.
KRISTY
She’s pious and conservative, Jeff,
not Pennsylvania Dutch!
JEFF
We'll probably have to churn our
own butter for the dinner rolls!
KRISTY
My parents are paying for the
wedding. My mom’s entitled to have
some input. What did you want me to
say to her? Don’t come?
JEFF
That would be a start. I’ll be
goddamned if I let her ruin our
wedding. It’s my day too, ya know!
KRISTY
Calm down, Groomzilla!
JEFF
Don't Groomzilla me! Those squirrel
hunters wouldn't know a good time
if it jumped out of the Bible and
landed on the front lawn of their
megachurch!
Jeff stomps down the hall to the bedroom, Kristy in tow.
21 INT. JEFF AND KRISTY'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS 21
The room is well-appointed with a strong feminine touch. Jeff
yanks a gym bag from the closet, grabs some dirty jeans and
shirts off the back of a chair.
KRISTY
What are you doing?
22.
JEFF
Packing.
KRISTY
For what?
JEFF
I’m going to Charlotte with Tucker
and Aaron for my bachelor party.
KRISTY
I thought you were staying in town.
JEFF
Change of plans. Tucker knows about
a great strip club down there.
KRISTY
Good for Tucker, I hope he has a
great time.
JEFF
You know I can’t let him go off by
himself. That’s when the really bad
stuff happens. He needs me to have
his back.
KRISTY
Who’s got your back? Aaron?
JEFF
Tucker’s got my back.
KRISTY
Tucker says he’s got your back.
Except you’re always the one
bailing him out. I wish you took
care of me as well as you take care
of Tucker.
JEFF
That’s a bunch of crap! I always
look out for you. You’re my number
one priority.
KRISTY
Really? When have I taken
precedence? When have you chosen me
over Tucker? Give me an example.
Just one.
JEFF
I’m marrying you aren’t I?
23.
Kristy looks incredulously at Jeff. He tries to salvage some
credibility before it’s too late.
JEFF (CONT'D)
You just don’t want me going to a
strip club with Tucker.
KRISTY
Honey, you know I’m cool with you
going to a strip club. If we didn’t
have so much to do, I’d go with
you. But we have all the final
appointments this weekend. You need
to be there.
JEFF
Why do I even need to go now? It’s
going to be two against one the
whole time anyway.
KRISTY
That’s not true. Your input is
important.
JEFF
I didn’t get a say when the Locust *
Queen decided to swarm in early. *
Why should this be any different?
KRISTY
So instead you’re going to pout and
play babysitter to Tucker? Again.
22 INT. TUCKER’S CAR - CURBSIDE - SIMULTANEOUS 22
Tucker and Aaron are still parked at the curb.
TUCKER
What’s taking him long?
AARON
He’s talking to a woman. Anything
is possible.
TUCKER
Should I go help?
AARON
There is a zero percent chance that
injecting you into this situation
will make it better.
24.
TUCKER
I’m going in.
Tucker bursts from the car and jogs toward Jeff’s place.
AARON
(shouting out the window)
Bring me back a Gatorade!
23 INT. JEFF’S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS 23
JEFF
COMPROMISE!? That's all I've been
doing! Your dad didn't want a
bachelor party with strippers and
booze, so I said fine, we'll do an
engagement party at the church. I
want a beach ceremony?
(imitating Mrs. Jorgens)
No sir, we're having it in church
under the watchful eye of the Lord.
(in his normal voice)
and I said okay. I want a bouncy
castle at the reception?
(imitating Mrs. Jorgens)
Bouncy castles are childish and
dangerous. Grow up.
(in his normal voice)
So I gave in because I didn't want
to argue. It's just a stupid bouncy
castle. The only thing I've been
able to keep so far is the open
bar, and now she's probably going
to take that too and you aren’t
going to do a thing to stop her!
KRISTY
No one said you had to give in on
that stuff. Be a man and take a
stand if it’s important to you!
JEFF
You want me to be a man and take a
stand? Here it is: I’m going to
Charlotte with Tucker and I don’t
give a fuck what you or the Wicked
Witch of West Texas think about it!
Tucker walks in without knocking.
TUCKER
What’s up guys?
25.
Kristy tries to put on her “Everything is fine” face.
KRISTY
So what’s this I hear about you
taking Jeff for the weekend?
TUCKER
Well, Durham passed this stupid notouch
rule. I figure since the
ladies can’t seem to keep their
hands off me, it’d be irresponsible
for me to go to clubs around here.
KRISTY
How thoughtful of you.
TUCKER
You don’t mind do you? I’m not
stepping on any toes, am I?
Kristy gives him that “well...actually” look.
KRISTY
It’s just we have all the final
wedding appointments tomorrow and--
TUCKER
Oh no. Jeff didn’t say anything
about that. Why didn’t you tell me,
dude? That’s not cool. It’s your
wedding, man.
Jeff is wide-eyed at Tucker in frustration and anger.
TUCKER (CONT'D)
We’ll just go out in town. We can
do Charlotte after your honeymoon.
A beat.
TUCKER (CONT'D)
Kristy, that way you can come too.
KRISTY
Sure, that sounds like fun
actually.
Tucker grabs Jeff’s duffel from him and gives it to Kristy.
TUCKER
(to Kristy)
He doesn’t need this anymore.
(to Jeff)
You ready, dude?
26.
Jeff nods.
TUCKER (CONT'D)
I’ll have him back by the morning.
And Kristy, you look hot as always.
Tucker gives Kristy a hug. She shakes her head, smiling.
KRISTY
(in light-hearted jest)
You are completely full of shit.
Take care of my Jeff.
TUCKER
Always.
24 EXT. JEFF’S APARTMENT BUILDING - MOMENTS LATER 24
Tucker and Jeff walk toward the car parked at the curb.
TUCKER
Charlotte, here we come.
JEFF
What?
TUCKER
Come on dude, do you really think
it’s possible to keep me from
something I want?
They reach the car and open their doors to get it.
TUCKER (CONT'D)
The more important question is, ARE
YOU READY TO GET SHIT-FACED AND
GRAB SOME TITTIES!?!
Tucker gets in and tries to hi-five Aaron who ignores him.
25 EXT./INT. TUCKER’S CAR - FREEWAY - AN HOUR LATER 25
Tucker’s ebullient. Jeff has a searching, purposeful stare.
Aaron looks bitter and disaffected.
AARON
We need to stop for food. My blood
sugar is getting low.
JEFF
Here’s what I don’t get: why did
you lie to her?
27.
(MORE)
You know I hate lying to Kristy.
It’s not like I wasn’t gonna go
anyway.
Tucker fiddles with a GPS unit in the dash, browsing for
nearby food options.
TUCKER
Oh please. When I walked in you had
so much surrender in your eyes I
thought your apartment was Vichy
France.
They pass a sign for, among other things, McDonalds.
AARON
If I don’t get a McGriddle soon, I
am going to call the authorities
and have them arrest you both for
kidnapping and conspiracy.
TUCKER
I don’t know how you eat
McGriddles. They look disgusting.
AARON
I can only assume from your
cavalier attitude that you have yet
to partake of the wonderment that
is the McGriddle. Let me enlighten
you.
26 INT. MCDONALDS TASTER KITCHEN 26
People in white lab coats are putting chemicals on processed
breakfast foods. Everything is painted red and yellow.
AARON (V.O.)
What happens is the One True God
grows McGriddles on trees in the
Elysian Fields with a heretofore
unused incantation.
27 INT. TUCKER’S CAR - FREEWAY 27 *
AARON *
He then proceeds to magic them down
to your local eatery.
28.
JEFF (CONT'D)
28 INT. MCDONALDS RESTAURANT KITCHEN 28
A wretched looking McDonalds employee hastily slaps a wrapper
on a McGriddle and fires it down the metal holding chute.
AARON (V.O.)
Where whatever societal reject
McDonalds has rescued off the dole
that week gently wraps them in
cellophane and passes them along to
you, the fortunate consumer.
29 INT. TUCKER’S CAR - CONTINUOUS 29
AARON
You proceed to ingest this finery
in the vain hope that your
obviously overmatched taste buds
can somehow grasp the delectable
intricacies that face them.
30 INT. MCDONALDS KITCHEN 30
A dirty fry cook pours some watery, yellow mixture into a
mold and tosses it in a microwave. He pulls a couple strips
of something from a box labeled “Fa-con” and slaps a slice of
pale, waxy “cheese” on top of it.
AARON (V.O.)
Is that egg? Why yes it is, and
bacon too. But wait--they didn't
add...yes they did, they did
indeed. They added cheese.
The fry cook dunks an english muffin into a giant open tub of
maple syrup. He pulls the english muffin out and accidentally
drops it on the floor. He quickly brushes off the larger
debris from the floor, and slaps the egg, cheese, and fa-cony
concoction between the two sides of the english muffin.
AARON (V.O.) (CONT'D)
And then, then my friend, they
wrapped it in a sumptuous pancake
bun! As your taste buds try to
process that amazing piece of
information...
29.
31 INT. TUCKER’S CAR 31
Aaron, surrounded by McGriddle detritus in the backseat,
takes a large orgasmic bite from a sandwich that looks like
it was smushed into a ball and dropped into a lint trap.
AARON (V.O.)
It hits them. The syrup nugget. The
motherfucking syrup nugget!! It
announces itself with a burst of
confectionery grandiosity the likes
of which your palate has never
seen.
32 INT. TUCKER’S CAR - CONTINUOUS 32
TUCKER
So you like them?
AARON
Allow me to phrase it another way.
33 INT. TUCKER’S APARTMENT - DREAM SCENE 33
Aaron is dressed like a ninja, with a McGriddle in one hand.
He sneaks up on Tucker and, in one fluid motion, whips the
wrapper off the McGriddle, crams it in Tucker’s mouth, places
the wrapper around his penis and humps Tucker from behind
before punching him violently at the base of his skull.
AARON (V.O.)
If you ever speak ill of the
McGriddle again I will personally
come to your home and force-feed
you one while I fuck you in the
butt with the wrapper as a condom
and then donkey punch you when the
infused syrup nugget explodes.
34 INT. TUCKER’S CAR - CONTINUOUS 34
TUCKER
You are so fucking weird.
Tucker veers onto a freeway off ramp with a tall McDonalds
sign looming up ahead.
30.
35 EXT. TUCKER’S CAR - CHARLOTTE, NC - EARLY EVENING 35
They drive through bar-lined downtown streets. Gorgeous women
in slutty clothes clog the sidewalks.
36 INT. TUCKER’S CAR 36
Heads on a swivel, Tucker rolls up the windows and child
locks them. McDonalds wrappers line the floor boards.
A beat.
JEFF
Who farted?
TUCKER
I don’t sm--
AARON
Oh my God!
Tucker bursts into hysterics as both Aaron and Jeff futilely
hit the down buttons on their windows.
AARON (CONT’D)
What is wrong with you? It smells
like you got buttfucked by a
garbage truck.
TUCKER
Hey, McDonalds was your idea.
AARON
DO NOT DISPARAGE THE MCGRIDDLE!
JEFF
Open the fucking window!
TUCKER
That’s some fermented ass juice
you’re smelling right there.
AARON
Where are my law books? This has to
count as a felony battery.
They come to a red light, he unlocks the windows, and they
stick their heads out like dogs. Tucker points to a trio of
overly made up Southern girls at the corner.
TUCKER
You guys have such weak
constitutions.
31.
(MORE)
I bet those girls over there
wouldn’t complain as much as you
two.
AARON
Of course they wouldn’t. They’re
hookers. They subject themselves to
anything for the right price.
TUCKER
Not every woman on the street is a
whore, dude. Watch, I’ll prove it.
Tucker leans out the window.
TUCKER (CONT’D)
Excuse me, Miss! How much for sex?
She is repulsed.
TUCKER (CONT’D)
See, she only fucks for free.
JEFF
Tucker, where are we going? Where’s
the strip club?
TUCKER
Dude, it’s not even seven. The club *
doesn’t open til ten. Let’s get *
some drinks first. Pregame. *
AARON
Wonderful. Now I can hate all these *
people up close instead of
baselessly judging them from inside
this metal fart coffin.
37 EXT. TAVERN - EVENING - MINUTES LATER 37
TUCKER
This place is sweet. Last time I
was here it was wall to wall hot
girls.
38 INT. TAVERN - CONTINUOUS 38
The guys walk in and stop dead in their tracks. It’s dead
except for a shit-housed party of unattractive middle aged
women and bits of birthday cake strewn everywhere.
JEFF
Yeah, this place is crawling with *
trim. Shame I’m taken.
32.
TUCKER (CONT'D)
AARON
It looks like Jenny Craig and Lane
Bryant had a knife fight in here.
A bouncer approaches them.
BOUNCER
Ten dollar cover tonight, guys.
TUCKER
Yeah right.
AARON
I will pay you ten dollars if we
can leave and pretend none of this
ever happened.
The bouncer softens a touch. *
BOUNCER *
Look dude, I wouldn’t be here *
either if I wasn’t getting paid. *
Just go to Whiskey Bar. Everyone’s *
there tonight. *
39 INT. WHISKEY BAR - EVENING - MINUTES LATER 39 *
The three walk into a crowded yuppie bar. It is the polar
opposite of the earlier place.
JEFF
Much better. Now this is what I
call a target rich environment.
AARON
I agree. I want to shoot every
single one of these bitches.
TUCKER *
Alright fellas, we have a little *
over two hours until Baby Dolls
opens. Let's see if we can't get *
some girls to go with us. *
AARON *
You want to pick up sluts, and take *
them to go see whores? *
TUCKER
If things go well.
They walk up the bar and angle to get the bartender’s
attention. Aaron nudges a fratty guy who’s talking to a girl.
33.
AARON *
Excuse me.
FRATTY
Yo, we were here first, bro.
AARON
So were the Indians. A lot of good
it did them.
FRATTY
What’d you call me?
TUCKER
He called you an idiot. *
FRATTY
Fuck you, dick.
Fratty sticks his finger in Tucker’s chest. Instead of
reacting to that, Tucker sees the girl Fratty was talking to.
TUCKER
Are you on a date with this guy?
She nods.
TUCKER (CONT’D)
Has he bragged about the kind of *
car he drives? Let me guess: a 3-
series. I bet he’s hinted at least
twice at how much money he makes.
Right?
She doesn’t say anything, which says everything.
TUCKER (CONT’D)
Awesome! How many times has he
mentioned that he works out? Did he
tell you about his gym and offer
you personal training? Don’t you
love $30,000 Millionaires?
AARON
(to Fratty)
Be honest: how many shirtless pics
do you have on your Myspace page?
A beat. The sorostitute giggles at Fratty.
34.
TUCKER
It’s a lot harder to pick up women
when you have to offer something
besides frat letters and GHB, isn’t
it? I bet you even have one of
those stupid frat rat names, like
Chance or Reed.
FRATTY
My name is Logan!
Everyone laughs, even the sorostitute. Fratty is defeated.
TUCKER
Should’ve moved when you had the
chance, huh tough guy?
Fratty gets visibly angry and two-hand pushes Tucker in the *
chest. In a flash, Jeff has Fratty in a rear naked choke and *
puts him out. Bouncers, who saw the whole thing transpire, *
come over and drag an unconscious Fratty away. *
TUCKER (CONT'D) *
(to the girl) *
There goes your ride. *
In the background the bartender sets up five pint glasses
half full with light beer in pyramid. He fills six shot
glasses with Amaretto and a Bacardi 151 float, and sets them
on the lips of the glasses. The bartender takes a huge swig
of Bacardi 151, puts a lighter up to his face, and blows a
massive fireball over the shot glasses. He hits one of the
shot glasses into the beer, starting a domino effect that
puts out the flames and fizzes up the beer in each glass. The
five bachelorette girls, Melissa, Christina, Amy, Ashley and
Mary, grab a glass and chug.
TUCKER (CONT'D)
What is that?
CHRISTINA
It’s called a Flaming Dr. Pepper
TUCKER
Do it again!
The bartender sets up three for the guys and they chug them.
TUCKER (CONT'D)
Holy shit! It tastes like Dr.
Pepper.
FLAMING BARTENDER
Hence the name.
35.
TUCKER
Do it again! Seven of them!
AARON
And with less sarcasm this time.
The bartender starts to set up the round. Tucker turns to the
bachelorette party.
TUCKER
OK, if this is a real bachelorette
party, who is the designated slut?
All the girls laugh except Mary.
MARY
Ugh! None of us are sluts!
TUCKER
That’s funny, normally the
designated cock-blocker is the fat
one.
The bartender sets up the shots for everyone.
TUCKER (CONT'D)
I think a toast is in order for my
buddy Jeff, who is also getting
married, and to the bride to be and
all her beautiful friends. Even the
bitchy prude. *
He raises his glass.
TUCKER (CONT’D)
Here's to the people we've met, and
to the people we've fucked,
And to those amongst us who've had
no such luck.
Here's to beer in the glass, and
vodka in the cup,
Here's to pokin' her in the ass, so
she won't get knocked up.
Here's to all of you, and here's to
me,
Together as friends we'll always
be,
But if we should ever disagree,
Then FUCK ALL OF YOU, HERE'S TO ME!
Everyone drinks and cheers.
36.
TUCKER (CONT'D)
Alright, but for real, which is the
naughty one?
ANGLE ON Aaron, next to Amy, a bubbly girl. She has a marker
and a “Hello, my porn name is” sticker. Her porn name is
“Bubbles State Route 17.”
AMY
What's your porn name?
AARON
Scott Peterson.
AMY
No no, not your real name. Here
I'll help you. What was your first
pet’s name?
AARON
I wasn’t allowed to have pets.
AMY
Okay let’s do it the other way
then: what’s your middle name?
AARON
Don't have one. Unless I missed it
between "Shut up" and “you’re
adopted” when I was a kid.
AMY
Well what street did you grow up
on?
AARON
I grew up in a cave.
AMY
Oh come on! Play along, it's fun.
Amy playfully nudges him.
AARON
If you touch me again, I will gut
you and grind you into pig slop.
Jeff and Tucker come over with a beer for Aaron as Amy bolts. *
TUCKER
Oh look, another girl who ran away
from you. Come on man, this night
is about you and Jeff.
37.
(MORE)
Remember what we talked about in
your apartment? Instead of being a
cockblocking curmudgeon, stop and
ask yourself What Would Tucker Do?,
and then do that instead.
AARON
Fine...but we can’t both go after
the girl with the lowest self
esteem.
Melissa walks up semi-drunkenly and sidles up to Tucker. *
AARON (CONT'D) *
Speak of the devil. *
TUCKER *
You finally ready to hook up? Or do *
we need to do another shot first? *
MELISSA *
(drunkenly flirtatious) *
You talk a big game, Mr. Man, but *
you don't look like much of a *
drinker to me. *
Tucker turns around and looks behind him.
TUCKER
Who are you talking to? Because you
can't be talking to me like that.
You couldn't tie my drinking shoes.
MELISSA
Let’s do shots.
JEFF
Isn’t she precious?
MELISSA *
We’ll do teams. *
TUCKER
Fine. Bachelor and hottest guy--me--
versus bachelorette and your
hottest friend.
Tucker scans the bachelorette party and points to a girl with
big fake tits and a naughty come hither look, Christina. She
smiles and comes over.
ASHLEY
Ugh. I think your friend is hotter
anyway.
38.
TUCKER (CONT'D)
She points to Aaron.
TUCKER
Yeah? Go talk to him for five
minutes. Now let’s get down to
business. Line'em up. And no girly
shit either. If it has sugar in it,
it's not a real shot. *
AARON
Technically, all alcohol has sugar
in it.
TUCKER
Thank you, Mr. Wizard.
ANGLE on Aaron standing at the bar next to an older lady who *
has a dog in her lap. *
OLDER LADY
I wish I were young again, and full
of piss and vinegar like you guys.
AARON
We're just full of alcohol and
McGriddles. You could do that.
OLDER LADY
Oh my! You are funny.
AARON
That's what my friends tell me, but
they’ll say anything to get laid.
Older Lady chuckles and looks down in her lap. Aaron is
holding his beer down and the dog is drinking from it.
OLDER LADY
What are you doing?! Oh my
goodness, Pookie, are you OK?
AARON
Your dog has a drinking problem,
you might want to get her into
doggie AA.
OLDER LADY
Why did you give beer to Pookie?!
AARON
Pookie drank my beer. There is a
difference.
39.
ANGLE on the four shot contest participants; shots lined up *
in front of them. Melissa and Christina pick up theirs and *
toast.
CHRISTINA
Give me chastity and continence,
but not yet! Saint Augustine!
They laugh and cheer. Tucker and Jeff kinda look at each
other and raise their next shots. *
JEFF
To alcohol, the cause of and
solution to, all of life's
problems. Homer Simpson.
They pound the shot. ANGLE on Aaron talking to Ashley. *
AARON
Jeff, she doesn't think we went to
the same high school.
ASHLEY
He doesn't even know what the
mascot is.
AARON
I think you're the one who doesn't
know. You're just trying to use
reverse psychology to steal the
answer from me. I will not fall
victim to your chicanery.
ASHLEY
Psssssh, nuh-uh. You're totally
faking.
JEFF
Here, we can settle this easy. *
Tucker thrusts a shot under Jeff’s nose and he does it. *
JEFF (CONT'D) *
Aaron'll whisper his answer to me *
in this ear and you whisper your
answer in the other. I’ll tell you
if he’s faking.
Ashley seems to think this makes sense, and whispers into
Jeff's ear. Aaron leans in and Jeff looks at him quizzically.
40.
JEFF (CONT'D)
Hmmm. Unless the mascot is "I'm
going to knock this girl
unconscious and anally fist her," I
don't think he went to your school.
AARON *
Oh, I’m the cockblocker! *
ANGLE on Tucker talking to Christina.
TUCKER
So what’s up with the bitchy one,
Mary?
CHRISTINA
Ehh, you know how it is.
They do their shots as part of the ongoing contest. *
TUCKER
Yeah, it must suck to be that ugly. *
CHRISTINA
She’s not ugly!
TUCKER
Women are the worst at judging
their friends. Have you looked at
her face? Bums wouldn’t fuck her. *
ANGLE ON Ashley and Aaron. A Grillionaire song comes on. The
video plays on the TV screens behind the bar.
ASHLEY
Oh boy, Grillionaire!
GRILLIONAIRE
I don’t touch no bills under
twenty, ho.
Cuz George Washington’s smell like
poverty, yo.
AARON
You like him?
ASHLEY
I love him! He’s so hot!
Ashley moves her hands impersonating Grillionaire.
ASHLEY (CONT’D)
WHAT IT DO BABY! GRILLIONAIRE IN DA
HOUSE!
41.
AARON
Get out of my face, or I will carve
another fuckhole into your torso.
Ashley looks at him wide-eyed and walks away.
JEFF
Captain No Pussy strikes again!
ANGLE on the bar as four more shots appear. Tucker sniffs his *
and recoils. *
TUCKER *
I'm not doing tequila. That stuff *
is Special Olympics in a glass. *
Aaron leans in and sniffs him. *
AARON *
I smell a pussy. *
Tucker glares at him and raises his shot glass. *
MELISSA *
I’m every woman, it’s all in me! *
Whitney Houston. *
JEFF *
That’s actually a Chaka Khan song. *
They all look at Jeff awkwardly. *
JEFF (CONT'D) *
Well it is! *
They pound the shot. It’s Tucker’s turn. *
TUCKER *
This is for all you bitches, ho's *
and tricks, I wouldn't talk to any *
of you, if I didn't have a dick. *
Tucker Max. *
Jeff and Tucker cheers and do their shots. *
MARY *
(snottily) *
Who is Tucker Max? *
Melissa and Christina do their shots and gag. *
MELISSA
OK, you guys win.
42.
TUCKER
Six shots? That’s it?! SIX SHOTS!? *
You may be able to vote and drive, *
but you’ll never be equal!!
MARY
Ugh, that is so misogynist.
TUCKER *
No it isn’t. If I said that women *
belong chained to the stove with *
just enough slack to reach the *
bedroom, that would be misogynist. *
MARY *
Excuse me? *
TUCKER *
What I said was sexist. And a *
fucking joke. Not that your spoiled *
pageant girl ass would know the *
difference. *
MARY *
Fine, you're sexist and misogynist. *
Good for you. *
AARON *
Tucker, you misogynist Neanderthal. *
Why do you hate women so much? *
TUCKER *
(nearly exasperated) *
I don't hate women. I love women! *
Why else would I put up with all *
their shit?! *
A beat. *
MARY *
You know what-- *
TUCKER *
I just don't like you as a person, *
because you’re a fucking bitch. And *
that has nothing to do with whether *
or not you have tits. *
Pindrop silence. A beat. Aaron faux leans into Tucker. *
AARON
(exaggerated bar whisper)
Tucker, that’s not good game. *
43.
Mary looks at him like he’s a used condom. Melissa is
sincerely hurt.
MELISSA
You’re really mean.
MARY
Come on, let’s get out of here.
Jeff pulls Mary and Melissa aside as they start to leave.
JEFF
Hold on.
Jeff follows Mary and Melissa as they make for the exit. *
Aaron looks at Tucker and shakes his head. *
TUCKER *
What? I’m pretty sure it’s what *
Jesus would have said. *
ANGLE ON Jeff near the door. He’s managed to pull the girls *
aside. *
JEFF *
I’m sorry. You have to excuse my
friend, sometimes he doesn’t know
the line between witty banter and
hate speech. He’s got mommy issues.
MELISSA
What do you mean?
Jeff does the thumb-and-pinky drinky drink gesture.
JEFF
Mom was the life of the party.
40 INT. FAMILY HOME - FLASHBACK - 1990 40
Little Tucker is parked in front of a TV watching a soap
opera with his mother. She’s got a cigarette in one hand and
a giant goblet of chablis in the other. She’s hammered.
LITTLE TUCKER
Mommy, where do babies come from?
MOM
Go ask your deadbeat father and his
fancy new wife.
As she says “fancy” she juggles her hands over her breasts,
sloshing her wine and ashing her cigarette on the sofa.
44.
41 INT. BAR - BACK TO SCENE 41
JEFF
He really is a good guy. He’s just
a little quick on the trigger.
MARY
(snottily)
He looks like a premature
ejaculator.
JEFF
Well, he does have a fast car.
The joke at Tucker’s expense disarms the girls, who chuckle
as he comes over to see what the hold up is.
JEFF (CONT'D)
Tell you what, come to the strip
club with us, and drinks are on
him.
MELISSA
That sounds like a plan. We’ll meet
you guys there.
TUCKER
(to Christina)
I know you’ll be there.
42 EXT. STREET - WHISKEY BAR - NIGHT - MOMENTS LATER 42
The three spill out onto the street.
TUCKER
Jeff, call Information, find out *
where this club is. *
JEFF
Don’t you know where it is?
TUCKER
No, why would I know that?
AARON
You said you did.
TUCKER
I said that?
JEFF
YES! *
45.
TUCKER
Oh. Well, I can’t be held
accountable for the things that
come out of my mouth.
A homeless STREET MUSICIAN near them starts playing "Friends *
in Low Places" as Jeff gets on the phone. Tucker puts his arm *
around him and joins in. *
TUCKER (CONT’D)
CAUUUUSE I GOT FRIENDS IN LOW
PLACES, WHERE THE WHISKEY DROWNS
AND AARON CHASES GIRLS AWAY...AND
JEFF IS GAY.
The musician stops because Tucker screwed up the lyrics.
STREET MUSICIAN *
Those aren’t the words, man.
AARON *
We will not be contradicted by a *
man who works out of a hat. *
STREET MUSICIAN *
Hey man, do you like, have any
change man?
AARON
Tell you what, I’ll give you all my
change if you give me that can of
beer in your pocket.
Jeff approaches frustrated, with the phone to his ear as the *
street musician hands the beer to Aaron. *
STREET MUSICIAN *
OK, man. Here you go. *
AARON *
Unfortunately, I don't have any *
change, but thanks for the beer. *
JEFF *
(hand over mouthpiece) *
Hey, do you know where this fucking *
club is? Baby Dolls. *
STREET MUSICIAN *
Yeah man, get my beer back and I’ll *
tell you. It’s all I had, man. *
That’s my dinner. *
He motions toward Aaron as Jeff snaps his phone shut. *
46.
JEFF *
Aaron. Give it back. There’s beer *
at the club. It’s cold, even. *
Aaron hesitates, holding the can of beer triumphantly. *
AARON *
I’m not gonna drink it. It’s *
symbolic of my victory over him. *
TUCKER *
He’s a homeless street musician! He *
already lost. *
AARON *
And do you think that perhaps his *
poor negotiation skills have *
something to do with that? Hmmmm? *
Jeff rips the beer out of Aaron’s hand and gives it back. *
JEFF *
Sorry about that. *
STREET MUSICIAN *
Thanks. The club’s straight down *
the street like a mile or two. *
A beat, as he looks at the trio expectantly. *
STREET MUSICIAN (CONT'D) *
Does anyone have any change? *
They pat their pockets and shrug. *
43 EXT. BABY DOLLS STRIP CLUB- CHARLOTTE - NIGHT - MOMENTS LAT4E3R *
Baby Dolls is a pink one-story building with giant pictures
of half-naked girls looming over it from the billboard in the
parking lot. The neon molding and signage can be seen from
miles away. The guys walk in.
44 INT. BABY DOLLS STRIP CLUB - MOMENTS LATER 44
The club is bumping. Hot naked women everywhere. A host
escorts the guys to a great table. Three gorgeous strippers
come up to them and sit on their laps.
AARON
Unless your breasts expel vodka and
tonic, you can feel free to leave.
47.
STRIPPER 1
Don’t worry baby, drinks will be
here any minute.
AARON
In the mean time, I am obligated to
inform you that, pursuant to
Megan's Law, I am a convicted sex
offender. So, how old are you?
STRIPPER 1
Rape isn’t funny.
AARON
What if the rapist is a mime, or a
Shriner?
Stripper 1 gives him a look.
AARON (CONT’D)
OK fine, rape isn’t funny, but
murder can be.
STRIPPER 1
Murder isn’t funny either.
AARON
Maybe not to you, but if the
murderer was a clown, that would be
funny to me.
STRIPPER 1
How is that funny?
AARON
Because he is happy on the outside,
but sad on the inside.
STRIPPER 1
What?
AARON
Sad clown wanna kill somebody?
Stripper 1 gets up and leaves. Tucker shoots a look at Aaron.
STRIPPER 2
(to Jeff)
What's wrong with him?
JEFF
He went through a bad break-up.
48.
TUCKER
You have a friend for him?
STRIPPER 2
My friends would never put up with
this kind of abuse.
Incredulous, Aaron laughs in her face and makes a “T” with
his hands over his head.
AARON
Okay, I’m going to call a timeout
here, so the lesser comedians in
the room have a chance to come up
with their own stripper abuse joke.
Stripper 2 tries to respond. Aaron puts a finger to her lips.
AARON (CONT'D)
Shhhh...I would rather mainline
Drain-o than listen to your whoreprattle
for another second. Less
talkie! More boobie!
STRIPPER 2
You know what, I don’t need this.
AARON
Said the fat girl to the cupcake.
Strippers 2 & 3 get up and leave in disgust.
TUCKER
Three down, only ninety-seven to
go. Good job dumbass.
Liz, the waitress, arrives to drop off drinks and a round of
shots. They do the shots and gag.
TUCKER (CONT’D)
Holy Christ, what is that?
LIZ
It’s the house special.
JEFF
What’s it called? Antifreeze?!
LIZ
It’s cognac and Alize. We call it
“Thug Passion.”
49.
Each of them immediately reaches for their waters. Lara, the *
stripper who was just on stage, passes their table on her *
way, ostensibly, to the dressing room. *
LARA
Are you guys drinking water? We
don’t allow Mormons in here.
AARON
It’s “Thug Passion.” What mom put
in your bottle so she could watch
Young & The Restless in peace.
LARA
My mom used bourbon, all the sugar
in cognac made me hyper. What’d
your mom use?
AARON
I didn’t get the bottle.
LARA
That’s not too surprising. Judging
by the distance between your eyes,
it looks like she drank it all
while you were still in the womb.
Aaron stammers over a comeback and falls silent. Tucker and
Jeff stare at each other.
TUCKER
Did she just make a fetal alcohol
joke?
Tucker hands her a twenty dollar bill. *
TUCKER (CONT’D)
When you are done changing or *
whatever, come back over and keep *
talking shit to him. Bring a friend *
for the bachelor, too. *
Lara smiles and makes for the back of the house. Tucker turns *
his attention to the hot stripper that has come over to him.
JADE
If we get a champagne room, we can
do anything we want.
TUCKER
If we go back to my hotel room, we
can do anything we want too.
50.
JADE
But then I don’t make any money.
Tucker pauses and contemplates this offer.
TUCKER
I'll give you twenty dollars.
JADE
(laughing)
No. It's four hundred, baby. But
you're cute and funny; I'll do it
for three fifty.
TUCKER
Twenty five.
JADE
Three hundred twenty five?
TUCKER
No, just twenty five.
JADE
I have to give the club a hundred
to get the room for an hour.
TUCKER
My attention span won’t last an
hour. Thirty dollars.
JADE
That won't even pay for our drinks.
TUCKER
That’s OK, I’m already drunk.
ANGLE ON Lara coming over and sitting down next to Aaron and
another girl sitting next to Jeff, who he summarily ignores.
AARON
If you must know, my parents yelled
at me, sent me to my room and
ignored me.
LARA
If I was your mom, I would have
locked you away and ignored you
too.
51.
AARON
If you were my mom, I would’ve been
raised by a talentless hooker
instead of a nagging shrew. There’s
a lose-lose.
LARA
You’re awfully bitter for a pastyfaced
shut in. Have you always been
this mean, or did some girl trade
you in for a better model?
JEFF
Yes, you’re right! His girl did
dump him!
TUCKER
For Grillionaire of all people!
LARA
Grillionaire? Like, “What it do
baby” Grillionaire with the
diamonds in his teeth? Oh wow. She
couldn’t even pick a good white
rapper, like Paul Wall?
AARON
She may be a vacuous slut with no
taste, but at least she’s not a
stripper.
LARA
You think you’re so clever. I know
a hundred insecure assholes just
like you.
AARON
I’m sure your mother’s boyfriends
were all great guys.
LARA
If I had a dollar for every time I
heard a broken home joke I’d have
enough to buy ComiCon tickets for *
you and all the other orc mage *
failures on your buddy list.
Whatever, I have to go.
Lara gets up quickly and walks toward the dressing room.
TUCKER
No, no, no you can’t go.
52.
JEFF
(in Mortal Combat voice)
Finish him!
Tucker and Jeff pop up and chase her down.
LARA
I’ve really gotta get home soon.
TUCKER
You need to keep talking shit to
him.
JEFF
He can’t handle it when a woman
gets the best of him.
LARA
I know. And I’ve learned my lesson
with guys like your friend.
TUCKER
He’s different. There is a
beautiful flower inside that onion,
I promise. You just have to peel
the layers and fight back the
tears. I'll pay your normal dance
rate, just stay and talk to him.
The trio returns to the table.
AARON
Dance monkey, dance for your
dollar!
LARA
All I have to do is insult him,
right? No dancing?
Tucker nods ascent. She takes his money.
LARA (CONT’D)
Hmm...What’s your name?
AARON
It’s Aaron, but let's skip the
pleasantries and go straight to the
part where you call me Captain Kirk
and give me a handjob in the alley.
LARA
You’re a Star Trek nerd? Color me
shocked. Live long and prosper,
dork.
53.
She gives him the Vulcan greeting and slowly folds it into a
middle finger. ANGLE ON Tucker and Jade.
TUCKER
Hold on, if I’m cute and funny,
then why are you charging me?
That’s no way to start a
relationship.
JADE
I don’t need a relationship, I
already have a boyfriend.
TUCKER
Shit baby, I don't want that kind
of relationship. I just want to
fuck you. I’m a great fuck buddy. *
JADE
Okay then, potential Fuck Buddy,
how big is your dick?
TUCKER
How big is your mouth?
They flirtatiously stare each other down as we ANGLE ON Lara
and Aaron.
AARON
You're calling me a dork? You are
the one with a video game
character’s name.
LARA
I was named after Agustin Lara.
JEFF
Who is that?
LARA
He was a famous Mexican
intellectual.
AARON
Ha ha, that’s a funny joke.
LARA
No funnier than you catching your
girlfriend blowing Grillionaire.
(pausing to taunt Aaron)
Oooh, body blow, body blow, body
blow, leeeeeft hooooook!
The guys sit stunned.
54.
JEFF
You like Mike Tyson Punch Out?
AARON
I call bullshit. Who was your
favorite guy to fight?
LARA
I liked Soda Popinski because he’s
drinking a Forty in his picture.
Tucker leans into Aaron and says in a bar whisper.
TUCKER
This is your dream girl. If you
don’t make this happen you will be *
a disgrace to the entire GTA *
playing community. *
Lara hears the mention of the GTA video game.
LARA
Oh, I will destroy you in GTA!
AARON
Of course you will. And you’re an
‘exotic dancer’, not a ‘stripper.’
LARA
You can’t handle a girl who’s
better than you at a stupid game?
AARON
You can beat me at GTA? Hey, while
we’re in this fantasy land, why
don’t we drive your flying car over
to the bank and get you approved
for a low-interest home loan.
TUCKER
I bet you a hundred dollars that
she will beat you at GTA.
AARON
I’m not betting on a video game.
Betting is illegal.
Lara leans in close to Aaron and sniffs him.
LARA
I smell a pussy.
AARON
Well then douche before work.
55.
TUCKER
Two hundred dollars.
AARON
I can’t leave. Jeff’s bachelor
party is the whole reason we came.
JEFF
Don’t let me keep you here. Nothing
would make me happier than to see
you lose to her at a video game.
AARON
I might consider it if we had a
place to play and I had my special
controller.
LARA
My shift just ended. We can play at
my house. I have everything but
your candy ass little controller.
JEFF
Then it’s a bet.
AARON
I’m not going to some vile stripper
den. You know her baby daddy is *
just waiting for me to walk through
the front door so he can roll me
and steal my organs.
LARA
How are you friends with this guy?
JEFF
I have no idea. How are you still
attracted to him?
AARON
Probably has something to do with
the happy confluence of my
sarcastic, standoffish sense of
humor and the inability of her stepfathers
to show her any affection.
Jeff's phone rings.
JEFF
Hey honey, what's up?
ANGLE on Tucker addressing Aaron.
56.
TUCKER
(in a bar whisper)
Dude, What Would Tucker Do? You're
going.
Tucker gives Lara two hundred dollar bills.
TUCKER (CONT’D)
If you beat him, this is yours. If
not, I expect it back. And not in
sweaty crumpled $1 bills.
45 INT. CARNIVAL SUPPLY STORE - SIMULTANEOUS 45
Kristy is lying on a big bouncy castle, testing it out. Her
mother is looking on disapprovingly.
KRISTY
Have you finally calmed down?
JEFF (O.S.)
Yeah, I'm not mad at you anymore.
KRISTY
Gee, thanks. Are you having fun?
How is Tucker handling the "No
Touch" rule?
46 INT. BABY DOLLS STRIP CLUB - SIMULTANEOUS 46
Jade is on Tucker's lap and rubbing his inner thigh and
crotch.
JEFF
He's coping.
A new dancer is about to come on stage and the DJ pipes up.
DJ (O.C.)
Welcome to the stage, twice the
bright and half the height,
Charlotte's very own....RAINBOW
BRITE!!
47 INT. CARNIVAL SUPPLY STORE - SIMULTANEOUS 47
Kristy sits up.
KRISTY
Jeff, where are you?
JEFF (O.S.)
A club.
57.
KRISTY
No, where are you? Geographically.
JEFF (O.S.)
North Carolina.
Kristy gets up off the bouncy castle with a start.
KRISTY
I can’t believe this.
KRISTY’S MOTHER
(to the salesman)
We’re not going to be needing this
anymore.
48 INT. BABY DOLLS - SIMULTANEOUS 48
Lara grabs Aaron and starts dragging him away from the table.
Panic starts seeping through Jeff's drunken exterior.
KRISTY (O.S.)
Put Aaron on the phone.
JEFF
He’s leaving with a stripper.
KRISTY (O.S.)
Jeff, we both know that's
ridiculous. Put Aaron on the phone.
Jeff flags down Aaron before he gets too far and waves the
phone. He covers the receiver as he hands it to Aaron.
JEFF
Kristy wants to talk to you. She
thinks we're not in Durham.
TUCKER
Tell her we're in Durham.
AARON
Hi Kristy.
KRISTY (O.S.)
Aaron, where are you guys?
AARON
We're at a strip club in Charlotte.
Gotta go.
Aaron hands the phone back. Tucker and Jeff look at him in
disbelief.
58.
AARON (CONT'D)
Don't look at me like that. I'm not
lying for you miscreants. My moral
compass doesn't point straight down
my pants.
Lara takes Aaron by the hand again and leads him away.
JADE
Is your friend actually going to
seal the deal with Lara?
TUCKER
I’m just hoping he doesn’t kill
her.
Liz comes by with bottle service. A bottle of champagne and a
bottle of vodka, with the accoutrements.
49 INT. CARNIVAL SUPPLY STORE - SIMULTANEOUS 49
Kristy and her mom are navigating their way toward the exit.
KRISTY
Jeff, why did you go to Charlotte?
JEFF (O.S.)
I...Tucker...I...I'm sorry.
KRISTY
Again, Jeff? Again with Tucker. Are
you his keeper? Is that your role?
Is that what you do? Hang out,
swoop in and save him, and take the
hit? I don’t get it.
JEFF (O.S.)
No. I don’t know.
KRISTY
What I really don't understand is
why you had to lie to me. We
promised we’d always be honest with
each other.
JEFF (O.S.)
I don't know...I don’t know why we
lied. Are you--
KRISTY
Stop saying “we”. I don’t care why
Tucker did what he did. I only care
about what you did.
59.
A beat.
JEFF (O.S.)
You’re really mad.
KRISTY
I don't know what I am. Hurt, I
guess. Really disappointed. I don’t
know what to think. I've got to go.
Kristy hangs up as they reach the exit.
KRISTY'S MOM
I told you Episcopalians were no
good.
50 INT. BABY DOLLS - SIMULTANEOUS 50
Jeff looks at his cell phone, stunned, as the call
disconnects.
TUCKER
Whatever, she'll get over it. Just
tell her it’s my fault.
JEFF
IT IS YOUR FAULT!
TUCKER
Eh, six of one. Don’t sweat it,
what happens in Charlotte, stays in
Charlotte.
JEFF
No it doesn’t! My fiance is in
Durham and she’s fucking pissed!
Tucker takes one of the chilling glasses, fills it with
vodka, and hands it to Jeff.
TUCKER
Solution to life’s problems,
remember? *
Jeff takes it and gives Tucker a ‘fuck you' look as Rainbow
Brite’s song ends and the DJ chimes in again.
DJ (O.C.)
Give it up for Rainbow Brite
everybody! And now, it’s time to
call all dancers to the main stage
for Bachelor Party Duty! Someone
needs a spanking!
60.
TUCKER
Dude, you're going on stage! You
psyched?!
Something catches Tucker's attention on the periphery.
TUCKER (CONT'D)
I'll be right back. I'm gonna go
get Rainbow Brite.
JADE
What about your friend? You can’t
leave him alone in his condition.
TUCKER
He’ll be fine. He’s a big boy. *
Tucker bolts for the back of the house. Jeff ignores him,
finishes his pint of vodka and pours another. *
51 EXT./INT LARA’S CAR - LARA’S DRIVEWAY - MOMENTS LATER 51
Aaron and Lara are parked in Lara’s driveway.
LARA
I need to tell you something before
we go inside.
AARON
I fucking knew it. I’m gonna get *
jumped. They’re going to take my
kidneys-- *
LARA
No, I have a son. *
An awkward silence settles over them for a beat or two.
LARA (CONT'D)
He’ll be asleep, but I wanted to
tell you before you tripped over
his GI Joes in the living room.
AARON
What’s his name?
LARA
Jack.
AARON
Is he named after his baby daddy or
the liquor he was conceived on? *
61.
LARA
No. It’s just a strong name. I
think a little boy needs a strong
name. I’m not a big fan of those
androgynous names like Terry or Pat
or Aar--
Lara catches herself and shoots a quick glance at Aaron who
knows exactly why she cut herself off.
AARON
Bitch. Well, I can’t say I’m
shocked. Having a kid is one of the
top three excuses women use to
justify stripping.
LARA
Really? What are the other two?
AARON
The “paying my way through college”
lie heads up that list. It’s in the
Whore Logic Hall of Fame.
LARA
And the other one?
AARON
“It’s better than being a hooker or
doing porn.”
LARA
Strippers don’t actually say that!
AARON
Bullshit they don’t. You need to
watch Maury Povich.
52 INT. DJ BOOTH - SIMULTANEOUS 52
STRIP CLUB DJ
And now, the man of the hour, our
bachelor of the night, Jeff Smith! *
Four strippers grab a visibly drunk Jeff, and pull him on
stage. Confused, he tries to fight them off. One tries to
remove his belt and he pulls back on it, yelling at her to
get away. The stripper let's go and Jeff jerks back, his
elbow accidentally clocking the stripper behind him in the
nose. She grabs her face screaming. Jeff bends over to
apologize, when the other strippers start punching and
beating him with whips. Jeff backpedals and falls off the
stage, cracking his face on a table, creating a huge mess.
62.
Jeff gets up with a huge gash on his face, blood spilling
down his shirt, when the bouncers grab him and start dragging
him toward a side exit.
JEFF
(frantic, his head
whipping around)
Get off me! TUCKER, GET THESE
ASSHOLES OFF ME! TUCKER!!
The bouncers throw him out.
53 INT. LARA’S HOUSE - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS 53
Lara and Aaron walk quietly into the living room. JACK, 7,
is playing with a large collection of toy soldiers, GI Joes
and Lego men that he’s arranged in phalanxes for a toy war.
LARA
Jack! Aren’t you supposed to be in
bed?
JACK
Aunt Bunny let me stay up and play.
LARA
It doesn’t matter, your bedtime is
your bedtime.
AARON
Are the GI Joes the good guys?
Shy, like the typical 7 year old boy, Jack keeps his eyes
focused on his toys and nods to Aaron in the affirmative.
AARON (CONT’D)
You have some Transformers here
too. You can’t mix genres like
this. It screws up morale and
jeopardizes the efficacy of your
tactics.
JACK
But Optimus Prime has a big cool
gun.
AARON
OK, we’ll work with it. What are
you playing?
JACK
The GI Joes are going to surprise
attack the Legos.
63.
AARON
I know you are just seven, but it’s
time you learned how to set up a
proper L-shaped ambush. This
rigmarole you have here just won’t
work, your flanks are exposed and
you are vulnerable to an enfilade
from the Lego artillery.
JACK
What is a flank?
Shocked, Aaron shoots a disapproving glance toward Lara.
AARON
It’s a good thing I came.
54 EXT. OUTSIDE BABY DOLLS - MOMENTS LATER 54
Jeff is pissing in the alley, one hand holding the bloodsoaked
cocktail napkins to his head, the other holding his
penis. A cop comes up.
OFFICER
What the hell are you doin'?
JEFF
What does it look like I'm doing?
OFFICER
We're trying to keep this
neighborhood pristine, and you're
over here pissing up the place.
This is an actionable offense.
JEFF
Oooohhhh! Is Mr. Plastic Badge
gonna give me a ticket?! How will I
ever face my life again?
OFFICER
What did you say to me boy?
JEFF
I have a question, Deputy Dipshit.
Are you a cop because that was the
only job you could get with a
G.E.D., or is it how you compensate
for your erectile dysfunction?
ANGLE on the patrol car pulling away with Jeff trying to kick
out the back window. They pass the bachelorette party, who
are about to head into the strip club.
64.
55 INT. LARA’S HOUSE - NIGHT - LATER 55
Aaron and Jack are still on the living room floor fully
ensconced in war with Jack’s GI Joes. Lara is staring at him
with a mix of bewilderment and amusement.
AARON
OK, now your GI Joes are perfectly
set up for the ambush. Once the
Legos come into this kill zone, no
matter what they do, they’re toast.
JACK
And my flanks are covered with
supporting suppressive fire from
Optimus Prime!
AARON
You might not grow up to be a
failure at life after all.
LARA
Ok, it’s time for bed now. Say
thank you to Aaron for teaching
you...how to attack your Legos.
JACK
Thanks, Aaron. Can you teach me
other ambushes tomorrow?
AARON
I think I’ve stunted your growth
enough for one week. Maybe next
time I’ll teach you how to use
caustic humor as a mask for your *
inability to relate to people on a
personal level.
JACK
Yay! Good night Aaron. ‘night, Mom.
56 INT. MECKLENBERG COUNTY JAIL - A FEW MINUTES LATER 56
Jeff is in the drunk tank, surrounded by a bunch of Mexicans.
JEFF
I need to get out and talk to my
wife or she’ll never take me back!
Who’s with me!?
MEXICAN NUMERO UNO
I’m da only one who speaks English,
mane.
65.
Jeff enthusiastically jumps up on the bench.
JEFF
Esta bien bendejos, yo hablo
espanol! [subtitle: It’s okay
bitches, I speak Spanish!]
57 INT. OUTSIDE THE JAIL CELL - SIMULTANEOUS 57
The cops behind the desk hear some screaming from the cell.
GOOD COP
What is going on in there?
BAD COP
I’ll check it out.
58 INT. JAIL CELL - SIMULTANEOUS 58
JEFF
Yo veo los tenedores! Tendremos una
revolucion estrenimiento!
[subtitle: I see the forks! We will
have a constipated revolution!]
The Mexicans stare at each other in confusion.
BAD COP
What the hell is going on in here?
JEFF
Su madre es puta para baaah baaaah!
Sigame al bano!
[subtitle: His mother is a
prostitute for goats! Follow me to
the toilet!]
Bad Cop whacks Jeff with his night stick and he collapses on
the floor.
59 INT. BEDROOM - SIMULTANEOUS 59
Tucker is having vigorous sex with a woman you can't quite
see in the darkness except for her multi-colored socks. It’s
Rainbow Brite. Tucker’s absolutely thrilled with himself.
60 INT. LARA’S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS 60
Lara and Aaron are sitting on the sofa playing GTA. It’s at
the part where Aaron got killed a couple days before.
AARON
Jack is a great kid. Damnit.
66.
Aaron’s character is getting beaten up by the hooker.
LARA
Thanks.
AARON
I usually want to kick most kids
into a wood chipper. No, what the?!
How is that whore kicking my ass?!
Are you playing the hooker!? That’s
not possible.
Aaron’s character just got heel-stomped in the nuts.
LARA
That means a lot. He’s had a tough
time since his dad left. It’s a
secret cheat code this girl on a
gaming messageboard developed.
AARON
Why did he leave? Get off of me!
Lara’s character is stealing Aaron’s character’s wallet.
LARA
He thought I was cheating on him,
so he decided to “get even” and
screw anything that moved.
AARON
Were you? I mean, it wouldn’t
surprise me. Your entire gender is
hard-wired for whoredom.
Sonuvabitch, that’s my head!
Lara’s character has stolen Aaron’s character’s car and is
backing over his head with it.
LARA
I hate when men randomly bash
women. It’s like this pathetic
defense mechanism you guys put up
when you know you are attracted to
a woman who might not be into you.
AARON
That’s not true.
LARA
Yes it is. It’s easier to call a
girl a whore than admit to yourself
that she’s out of your league.
67.
AARON
That’s some whore logic if I’ve
ever heard it.
LARA
Anyone is capable of being a whore,
Aaron. Being a woman does not de
facto make you one.
AARON
It does if you’re a cum-guzzling *
demon slut. *
LARA
Fine, but your ex is only
representative of herself, not her
whole gender. Her actions don’t
mean that I am a whore, simply
because we’re both women.
AARON
So did you cheat? Let me guess, if *
you’re getting paid it “doesn’t *
count”.
LARA
No, Aaron, I’ve never cheated on *
anyone. Or used sex as a weapon. *
Lara’s character hops out of the car and snuffs out the last
bits of Aaron’s life by smothering him with her breasts.
AARON
Motherfucker!
LARA
If you ever want to find love
again, you have to get over these
childish notions you have. If you
don’t, your personal life is going
to remain the steaming pile of shit
it is now.
Aaron’s character finally dies. He hurls his controller
toward the television.
AARON
If I kiss you, will you shut up
already?
Without waiting for a response, Aaron kisses Lara.
68.
INT. LARA’S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS *
Aaron and Lara make sweet, sweet love. Maybe a little awkward *
at first, it settles into decidedly un-stripper like sex. *
INT. JEFF AND KRISTY’S BEDROOM *
Kristy is still up, trying to read a book, but seems a bit *
distracted. She plucks her cell phone from the bedside table *
and flips it open. ANGLE ON the cell phone *
MISSED CALLS MENU *
NONE *
Disappointed, she closes the phone, tosses the book where *
Jeff would normally be, and turns out the light. *
INT. LARA’S BEDROOM *
Lara is asleep. Aaron, still awake in a non-peeping tom non- *
rapist kind of way, is watching her sleep by the light of the *
hallway through the slightly opened bedroom door. The bitter *
defensive veneer has finally cracked. *
61 INT. BEDROOM - SIMULTANEOUS 61
Tucker and his stripper fuck buddy are reaching climax,
Tucker pushes her small feet out of his mouth, finishes, and
collapses into the bed, drunk and exhausted.
62 INT. MECKLENBERG COUNTY JAIL - NEXT MORNING - 8:41AM 62
Jeff wakes up on the cement jail floor in a pool of vile,
brownish liquid. He has a new welt over his other eye. He is
surrounded by a crew of Mexicans chatting in ghetto Spanish.
JEFF
Where am I? Eh, Donde esta vatos
locos?
MEXICAN NUMERO UNO
Drunk tank, ese.
MEXICAN NUMERO DOS
Muy muy burracho, mane.
There’s a pay phone on the wall. Jeff has no money.
JEFF
I need to make a collect call to
323-351-7640.
69.
OPERATOR
State your name after the beep.
JEFF
Jeff.
63 INT. BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS 63
Tucker's still asleep. He pays no attention to his vibrating
cell phone, scooting along the bedroom floor.
64 INT. JAIL CELL - CONTINUOUS 64
JEFF
Try 281-330-8004.
OPERATOR
State your name after the beep.
JEFF
(annoyed)
Jeff.
65 INT. LARA'S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS 65
Aaron's cell is in his jacket pocket, which is in the living
room. He is in the bedroom.
66 INT. JAIL CELL - CONTINUOUS 66
Jeff is leaning his head against the pay phone.
JEFF
Damnit, where the hell are you!?
OPERATOR
I’m right here, sir.
JEFF
Not you, could you try 919-555-
8971?
OPERATOR
State your name.
JEFF
GODDAMNIT YOU KNOW MY FUCKING NAME
(beep sounds)
JUST MAKE THE FUCKING CALL SO I
DON’T SPEND THE REST OF MY GODDAMN
LIFE IN JAIL!!
70.
67 INT. JEFF’S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS 67
Kristy is asleep in their bed. Her cell phone rings. She
groggily picks up.
KRISTY
Hello?
OPERATOR
This is the Mecklenberg County Jail
Operator with a collect call from:
Jeff’s recorded voice clicks in.
JEFF (V.O.)
JUST MAKE THE FUCKING CALL SO I
DON’T SPEND THE REST OF MY GODDAMN
LIFE IN JAIL!!
KRISTY
Jeff?
68 INT. JAIL CELL - CONTINUOUS 68
Jeff looks sick to his stomach.
JEFF
Hi, honey.
KRISTY (O.S.)
What happened? Where are you?
JEFF
I’m in jail. Can you come get me? *
A long, pregnant pause.
KRISTY (O.S.)
No, Jeff. Tucker said he has your *
back, so let him have it. *
Kristy hangs up and the line clicks over.
OPERATOR (O.S.)
Can I help you with anything else?
JEFF
Can you come bail me out?
OPERATOR (O.S.)
Excuse me?
JEFF
Nevermind.
71.
Jeff slides slowly down the cell wall to the floor. He’s a *
sad beaten, swollen slumped mass of exhausted rejection. *
69 EXT. LARA’S HOUSE - FRONT DOOR - MORNING 69
Tucker jogs up the walk and knocks. Aaron answers the door. *
Jack is innocently wrapped around his lower leg fighting the *
Optimus Prime against the Cobra Commander. *
TUCKER
(slightly unsettled)
So how’d it go? Everything good?
AARON
Of course. What did you think was
going to happen?
TUCKER
What do I hope happened? I hope you
hooked up. What do I think
happened?
70 INT. LARA’S HOUSE - NIGHT - DREAM SEQUENCE 70
Aaron strangles Lara with the controller cord, as Jack yells
in terror. Lara stops squirming as Jack comes over to help
his mommy and Aaron kicks him in his little nuts, sending him
ass first through the front window. Aaron uses a candle to
light the drapes on fire, grabs an arm full of toys, and...
EXT. LARA’S HOUSE - NIGHT - DREAM SEQUENCE
...runs out the front door down the street, toys spilling
everywhere. ANGLE ON the house, with Jack, dead, dangling
from a large shard of window glass that’s pierced the collar
of his Optimus Prime pajama top.
71 EXT. LARA’S HOUSE - FRONT DOOR - CURRENT SCENE 71 *
AARON
That’s ridiculous. I already have
all those toys.
72 Lara joins them on the porch. Tucker nods to her. She flash7e2s *
his $200, tucks it in her bra and nuzzles against Aaron. Jack
pulls on Aaron’s leg and extends his Optimus Prime doll. *
JACK
You can have this.
72.
AARON
I can’t take your Optimus Prime,
buddy. He’s the leader of the
Autobots.
JACK
I want you to have him.
AARON
Wow, thanks buddy.
Aaron fishes the Duke GI Joe keychain out of his pocket,
slides it off the ring, and hands it down to Jack.
AARON (CONT'D)
Then I want you to have this.
JACK
Wow, mom, look! It’s a Duke
keychain.
AARON
Duke was the Field Commander for
all the Joes that went into battle.
He was my favorite when I was your
age.
Jack reaches out and hugs Aaron.
JACK
Thanks, Aaron!
AARON
You have to promise me one thing:
you’ll be just like Duke and take
care of your soldiers; including
your mom, okay?
JACK
I promise.
Aaron stands up and kisses Lara briefly. He slides out of her
grip and walks down the drive with Tucker. *
AARON
I’ll call you when we get home.
JACK
Bye, Aaron! See you soon!
AARON
73 See ya! Good luck with your 73
ambushes. *
73.
TUCKER
Did you just give your Duke
keychain to a whore baby?
AARON
She’s not a whore.
They get to the car and Aaron realizes that Jeff isn’t there.
AARON (CONT'D)
Where is Jeff?
74 INT. MECKLENBERG COUNTY JAIL - LATER 74
Tucker walks up to the clerk’s window.
TUCKER
I got a weird computer voicemail
from you guys. I think you’ve got
my friend Jeff Smith back there. *
CLERK
Yes, Mr. Smith was quite the guest. *
Wait over there, he'll be out soon.
ANGLE on Jeff emerging from the jail with two swollen black
eyes and vomit caked to his shirt.
TUCKER
Jesus Christ, Jeff! What happened!?
JEFF
Where the fuck were you?! Where did
you go!?
TUCKER
Dude, you are not going to believe *
what happened to me.
75 INT. RESTAURANT - ON THE HIGHWAY - AN HOUR LATER 75
Tucker, Jeff and Aaron are sitting around waiting for their
food to come out. Jeff has a deep, vacant stare.
TUCKER
You know the feeling you get when
you’re looking for that special
someone and you’re trying so hard
you think you might never find her? *
Like Sisyphus pushing the boulder
up the mountain? *
74.
(MORE)
But then, just as you’re about to
give up, the clouds part, the path
widens, and there she is? Well
gentlemen, last night I reached the
mountain top.
76 INT. BABY DOLLS STRIP CLUB - FLASHBACK - LAST NIGHT 76
It's right after Tucker poured the drink for Jeff.
TUCKER (V.O.)
Aaron you had just left, when I saw
her.
ANGLE on the door to the stripper dressing room. There’s
nothing there.
TUCKER (V.O.) (CONT’D)
My midget princess.
Everything seems to slow down, Tucker’s mesmerized, like a
trance. The camera pans down...to a midget dressed as RAINBOW
BRITE.
TUCKER (V.O.) (CONT'D)
Her blonde hair and sparkling blue
eyes reminded me of Gwenyth
Paltrow. Her compressed cervical
vertebrae and bowed legs told me
what Gwenyth Paltrow would look
like if she was placed in a vise
and squished to one quarter size.
Rainbow Brite waddles confidently across the room.
TUCKER (V.O.) (CONT'D)
As her pigeon-toed feet carried her
past our table, I slid down in my
chair, hoping to catch her eye.
Rainbow Brite passes Tucker, mouth open in order to breathe.
TUCKER (V.O.) (CONT'D)
She looked at me, her mashed-up
teeth sparkling in the oily light
of the novelty condom machine.
Tucker gives his best seductive smile.
TUCKER (V.O.) (CONT’D)
I gave her my unmistakable "I want
to fuck you" eyes.
Rainbow Brite smiles at Tucker, exposing mashed-up teeth.
75.
TUCKER (CONT'D)
TUCKER (V.O.) (CONT’D)
She shot back a "My spine hurts"
face, and I was smitten.
Tucker gets up from the table, leaving Jeff chugging vodka,
to follow his midget princess to the bar.
TUCKER (V.O.) (CONT'D)
She went to the bar and I took the
stool next to hers. The beer bottle
looked massive in her tiny little
hands. *
She grabs a beer bottle off the bar counter.
TUCKER (V.O.) (CONT’D)
All I could think about was how big
those hands would make my penis
look. I started running tiny little
game at her.
Tucker turns to her.
TUCKER (CONT’D)
Hi, I’m Gulliver. How are you
doing?
RAINBOW BRITE
(annoyed at the joke)
I've had a long night, I’m tired.
TUCKER
Hey, don’t get short with me,
Sleepy.
RAINBOW BRITE
Ugh! I’m not a dwarf, I'm a Little
Person.
TUCKER
Is that what Doc told you, Grumpy?
RAINBOW BRITE
Jerk!
TUCKER
Hi ho, hi ho, start dancing or off
you go.
Midget Princess breaks a smile at Tucker’s deviousness.
76.
TUCKER (V.O.) (CONT’D)
She ate it up. She laughed her tiny
little laugh at my tiny little
jokes and then threw me a fastball
down the middle.
RAINBOW BRITE
I always fall for assholes.
TUCKER (V.O.)
It was the tiny little opening I
needed.
Tucker smiles deviously.
TUCKER (CONT’D)
This place sucks. You want to go
back to my hotel and do something
more fun?
RAINBOW BRITE
What do you want to do?
TUCKER
(seductively serious)
I wanna make a mess in your mouth.
A beat.
RAINBOW BRITE
Let’s go.
TUCKER
OK, but just to be safe, leave your
pick axe here. I don’t want you
tunneling under the bed, looking
for diamonds or something. It’ll
freak me out.
Rainbow Brite swings down from her stool, grabs Tucker’s hand
and they leave.
TUCKER (V.O.) (CONT’D)
Without a tiny little second
thought, she swung down from the
stool, took my pinky in her tiny
little sausage fingers and guided
me out the door.
77 INT. RESTAURANT - CURRENT SCENE 77
Jeff slams his fist on the table.
77.
JEFF
WAIT! Are you telling me I have
this (points to right eye) and this
(points to left eye) because you
had to fuck an oompa loompa?! Are
you serious?
TUCKER
Dude, it was Destiny! You remember;
the midget stripper the professor
was talking about in class
yesterday! I went on Westlaw and
found out where she worked before I
picked up Aaron.
Jeff and Aaron stare angrily and incredulously at Tucker.
TUCKER (CONT'D)
What, you don't think that's funny?
JEFF
You mean you’d never even been to
that strip club?!
It clicks.
JEFF (CONT'D)
That's why you took us to that
crappy bar! And why you had me call *
to find out where the strip club *
was! The bachelor party was all a
big fucking ruse!? *
TUCKER
Jeff, how many people do you know
who've fucked a midget? You don't
think that's awesome?
JEFF
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?? I may not have
a fiance anymore because YOU
dragged me into a lie that I didn't
want OR NEED to be a part of. Now I
have to go back to Durham to beg
her forgiveness, and plead with her
not to cancel the wedding we have
been planning for a year! And what
am I going to look like when I get
there? LOOK AT MY FACE! I LOOK LIKE
I WAS ON THE WRONG END OF A PRISON
BEATING...BECAUSE I WAS!!
A beat.
78.
TUCKER
Dude, let me finish my story. It's
not always about you.
Jeff flips his shit and tries to hit Tucker across the table,
crashing it to the ground. Aaron holds him back. Jeff storms
out, cursing a blue streak. Tucker tries to interject.
AARON
Right now, if I were Tucker, I
would shut the fuck up.
78 INT. BUS - AFTERNOON 78 *
Jeff, disheveled and disfigured, sits cramped against the *
window of a Greyhound bus, packed in like sardines amidst a *
collection of broken souls who can only be described as the *
dingleberries in the ass crack of humanity.
79 INT. JEFF’S APARTMENT - EVENING 79
Kristy and her mother are finalizing the seating chart and
writing out the place cards. *
KRISTY’S MOTHER *
I’ll tell you one thing. No good *
Baptist would be caught dead *
drinking to excess or gettin’ *
arrested for causin’ a ruckus. It’s *
unseemly. *
KRISTY *
Of course not Mom. The good *
Baptists never get caught. *
A fiddling keys sound comes from the front door. *
KRISTY’S MOTHER *
Look, all I’m tryin’ to say is that *
this kind of wanton drunkenness and *
lack of self control is typical of *
a religion with all of the *
spirituality and none of the guilt. *
It’s not right. *
Jeff straggles through the door into the living room. *
KRISTY’S MOTHER (CONT'D) *
(biting and sarcastic)
Well look who the Lord has chosen *
to deliver unto this happy home.
79.
KRISTY
(to Jeff)
We need to talk. You missed
everything.
JEFF
I know.
Kristy’s mother catches a glimpse of Jeff’s face.
KRISTY’S MOTHER
Oh my gracious, Jeffrey! Your face!
Kristy leaps to her feet.
KRISTY
Honey! What happened to you?!
JEFF
(beaten and defeated)
I’m so, so sorry.
KRISTY’S MOTHER
Sorry!? The wedding’s ruined! Look
at your face!
KRISTY
Enough, mom.
KRISTY’S MOTHER
We have to postpone! I can’t
display your wedding photos in my
house, what will people think?!
KRISTY
I said enough! This isn’t about
you. I don’t care what you do with
the stupid pictures!
A beat, as Kristy’s mother regroups and Jeff looks on sullen
and hilariously disfigured.
KRISTY (CONT'D)
Are you okay? You have to stop
letting Tucker get you into these
messes.
Jeff shrugs, frowning and droopy.
KRISTY (CONT'D)
(through stifled laughter)
Oh my little Quasimoto. You look so
pathetic.
80.
She hugs him tenderly, as much like a mother as a wife.
KRISTY (CONT'D)
Let’s get you cleaned up so I can
stop laughing at you.
80 INT. LAW LIBRARY - MORNING 80
SUPERSCRIPT: TWO DAYS BEFORE THE WEDDING
Tucker walks into the law library and sits with Aaron.
TUCKER
Dude, I just tried to take a shit.
Nothing would come out. That never
happens to me. I feel like Elvis
just before his heart exploded.
AARON
If only the world were so lucky.
TUCKER
Whatever. You wanna play some ball?
AARON
I have class. You know, that place
we pay 35 grand a year to go to
between happy hours.
TUCKER
That place is dumb.
Aaron doesn’t react and silence hangs for a beat.
TUCKER (CONT'D)
Hey, let me ask you something: is
Jeff really pissed?
AARON
Are you drunk or stupid?
TUCKER
What?
AARON
How could you not realize he’s
pissed? Have you even talked to him
since Saturday?
TUCKER
I tried calling, but he doesn’t
pick up. What’s his problem? *
81.
AARON
His problem?! Are you such a
narcissist that you don’t know why
he’s mad? Do you have any concept
of friendship? How have you made it
this far in life without
understanding this stuff?
TUCKER *
Fine, I’ll check into the hotel in *
Wilmington tomorrow, and just go up *
there and apologize to him and we *
can be done with this bullshit. *
Aaron gets up and hastily pulls his things together.
AARON *
I guess God truly does protect
fools and children, because you’re
both.
Aaron turns and leaves Tucker at the table.
EXT. WEDDING HOTEL - ESTABLISHING *
A large, high-end hotel. The kind that looks like it would be *
a destination hotel for weddings and anniversaries. *
81 INT. HOTEL BRIDAL SUITE - AFTERNOON - NEXT DAY 81
SUPERSCRIPT: DAY BEFORE THE WEDDING
Kristy, freshly showered, is in a towel. Bags and clothes are
everywhere. Jeff is channel surfing. There’s a knock at the
door. Kristy looks through the peephole.
KRISTY
It’s Tucker. Do you want to talk to
him?
Jeff shrugs with ambivalence. She opens the door.
TUCKER
Is Jeff here?
He peers around Kristy and spots Jeff on the couch flipping
channels, ignoring him.
TUCKER (CONT'D)
Can we talk?
82.
Jeff doesn’t respond. Tucker, looking a little lost for the
first time, peeks expectantly at Kristy.
TUCKER (CONT'D)
(to Kristy)
Can I come in?
Kristy opens the door wider and Tucker walks in.
TUCKER (CONT'D)
Dude, Jeff, sorry.
Jeff searches Tucker’s face for an extended beat.
JEFF
Sorry is just a word.
Jeff turns the TV off, kisses Kristy on the cheek, and
retreats into the master bedroom without another word,
closing the door quietly behind him.
TUCKER
What should I do?
KRISTY
Apologize sincerely.
TUCKER
I just did.
KRISTY
Tucker, what fantasy world do you
live in? One word and the Guy Head
Nod isn’t a sincere apology.
TUCKER
What else am I supposed to say? I’m
not a mind reader.
KRISTY
Do you understand the magnitude of
this situation? He lied to me for
you. He landed in jail because you
failed as a friend in every way
possible.
TUCKER
I didn’t make him lie to you.
KRISTY
He lied because he was your friend,
Tucker. To protect you.
83.
TUCKER
That’s stupid. Protect me from
what?
KRISTY
From his future wife thinking his
best friend is a selfish lying son
of a bitch! Except it’s worse than
that because I always knew you were
selfish. Now I worry that you’re
this uncontrollable destructive
force that I can’t trust to have
the best interests of the man I
love at heart.
Kristy’s exhortation freezes Tucker.
KRISTY (CONT'D)
That’s what you don’t seem to
understand. Part of friendship is
supporting each other and knowing *
each others boundaries. Do you even *
know where Jeff’s are? *
TUCKER
Yeah, of course.
KRISTY
So you just ignored them then? *
Pushed right past them. He *
sacrificed his line in the sand to *
protect you and you couldn’t even
sacrifice a midget vagina for him.
Is it any surprise you aren’t
welcome at our wedding?
TUCKER
I’m not invited?
KRISTY
No, Tucker, you aren’t.
Tucker stands there stunned.
TUCKER
No way. What does Jeff say?
KRISTY
You don’t get it. I don’t care if
you’re at the wedding. It’s Jeff
who doesn’t want you there.
Kristy looks sadly and reluctantly into Tucker’s face as he
processes her words.
84.
82 INT. HOTEL HALLWAY - MOMENTS LATER 82
Tucker emerges from the bridal suite. He looks like he’s
mulling over his options. He pulls out his phone and dials.
83 INT. HOTEL ROOM - SIMULTANEOUS 83
Candles lit. There’s a fruit tray and champagne. Aaron’s *
setting up a PS2 for a GTA rematch. His tuxedo is hanging
from the bathroom door. Lara is changing into comfortable *
clothes. His phone rings. *
AARON
What’s up?
TUCKER (O.S.)
What are you doing?
AARON
Not much. Lara is here. *
TUCKER (O.S.)
Cool, let’s hang out, get some
drinks. We can take the stripper *
dancing!
AARON
No thanks. We’re staying in
tonight. It’s a long day tomorrow.
TUCKER
Dude, just because you’re getting *
pussy doesn’t mean you should be a
pussy. Let’s go out. *
AARON
Yes, Tucker. Insult us and *
insistently reassert your initial
demand. That’ll make the
difference.
TUCKER
What are you talking about?
AARON
You nearly submarined one of your
friend’s relationships already this
week. I’d like a chance to see if
mine can float before you do your
best to torpedo it. I’ll talk to
you later.
Aaron hangs up and plugs in his special controller.
85.
84 INT. HOTEL ELEVATOR - CONTINUOUS 84
TUCKER
Well fuck ’em if they can’t take a *
joke. I’m all the party I need. *
85 INT. RANDOM DURHAM BAR - A FEW HOURS LATER 85
Tucker is flirting with a pair of girls at the bar.
TARGET GIRL
I have two cats. A girl and a boy.
Abigail Lulu Dibiase and Jersey
Lemon Dibiase.
TUCKER
Why would you own cats? Do you
enjoy having big boxes of shit in
your house?
TARGET GIRL
I clean the litter boxes every day.
TUCKER
Does it not bother you how haughty
they are? They could give a fuck
about you.
TARGET GIRL
Not my cats. They aren’t like
regular cats, they’re like dogs.
TUCKER
Right on cue. EVERY cat person says
that. You know what's not like a
regular cat? A fucking dog.
No one but Tucker laughs. He finishes his beer, and leaves.
TUCKER (CONT’D)
No need to thank me, your silent,
awed adoration is it’s own reward.
He’s pleased with himself until he realizes he’s the only one
there alone. He looks around for an escape from the
awkwardness and finds it in a girl with her face up to a tank
near the front of the bar filled with cute little turtles.
TUCKER (CONT'D)
What are you doing?
TURTLE GIRL
Talking to the turtles.
86.
TUCKER
Did they tell you to kill hookers?
That's what they tell me to do.
Turtle Girl shuffles away slightly embarrassed. Two girls *
seated nearby look on in disgust. Of course the chubby one
chimes in.
CHUBBY INTERLOPER
What kind of man says something
like that to a woman?!
TUCKER
Usually it's my misanthropic friend
Aaron, then I pick the girl up on
the rebound. But he's not here. *
FRIEND OF CHUBBY
So you’re drinking alone? That’s
one of the beginning stages of
alcoholism, you know.
TUCKER
I'm way past the beginning stages.
I already hide liquor around the *
house and drink alone in the dark. *
CHUBBY INTERLOPER
That's sad.
TUCKER
No way. Drinking is highly *
underrated. Think about it: What
are the detriments to being drunk?
FRIEND OF CHUBBY
I don't know.
TUCKER
It hurts relationships with family
and friends? I don't like my family
and my friends drink as much as me.
It causes long term health
problems? I drive way too fast to
worry about anything long term. It
costs money? I'm going to spend it
recklessly anyway, better on
alcohol than drugs or pornography.
Causes rude and aberrant behavior?
I'm an asshole when I'm sober;
being drunk actually calms me down.
The girls look at each other in disgust.
87.
TUCKER (CONT’D)
Now compare that to it's benefits:
Drinking makes me invulnerable to
criticism, makes ugly people
attractive,
(pointing to Friend of
Chubby)
makes boring people interesting,
(pointing to Chubby
Interloper)
and makes hot girls like me. For my
money, the choice is obvious.
Friend of Chubby looks hurt. Chubby Interloper, predictably,
is fuming with disgust. She is shooting death rays at Tucker.
TUCKER (CONT'D)
(gesticulating like
Hacksaw Jim Duggan)
Mongo angry! Mongo smash!
CHUBBY INTERLOPER
You just totally blew your chance,
you know. There you were standing
by yourself when these two hot *
girls decided to talk to you-- *
FRIEND OF CHUBBY
What hot girls?
CHUBBY INTERLOPER
US!
FRIEND OF CHUBBY
Oh...yeah.
Tucker bursts out laughing. The girls get up to leave.
TUCKER
That was going to be my question *
too! WHAT HOT GIRLS?! God bless *
your overworked heart. *
CHUBBY INTERLOPER *
Ooh, another fat girl joke. That *
really cuts deep. *
TUCKER *
The only way I could cut you deep *
is with a battle axe and a running *
start. *
Tucker is completely taken with his quick wit. He turns to a *
group of dudes behind him to share the joy. *
88.
While he’s turned away from them, Chubby Interloper quickly *
plucks a bottle of Visine from her purse and dumps the *
contents into his beer. *
CHUBBY INTERLOPER *
(quietly to her friend) *
Thirty minutes, he’s gonna be in a *
world of pain. *
Tucker composes himself, turns back and takes a long *
satisfied pull from his beer. *
TUCKER *
(motioning to the girls) *
This beer has been brought to you *
by the number 10. *
Standing side by side, he bursts into laughter again. *
CHUBBY INTERLOPER *
At least I’m not out at a bar BY
MYSELF.
Chubby Interloper and her friend look at each other with that
"eww...pathetic" look. It stops Tucker’s riotous laughter. He
fumbles for something to say in response, but can’t respond
to their truth.
TUCKER
Fuck you, Fatty!!
Tucker walks off in a huff taking another pull from his beer. *
GIRL
Crashed and burned! Huh, Mav?
Tucker looks at her confused, and then sticks his nose in her
crotch and sniffs.
TUCKER
Slider, you stink.
ANGRY GUY
Hey man, back off. She’s with me.
TUCKER
I don’t know what you’re worried
about. This one should be in the *
bag. Only easy sluts make Top Gun *
references in public. *
ANGRY GUY
You need to get out of my face!
89.
Tucker puts his beer down and addresses only the girl. *
TUCKER
This your boyfriend? He looks like *
the type of guy who eats with one
arm guarding his plate.
He pushes Tucker to the ground and the bartenders separate
them. Tucker grabs his beer and careens into the line for the *
bathroom. He finds himself behind CONNIE, a fake-titted
blonde MILF with a ring on her finger.
TUCKER (CONT'D)
So, are you actually married? Or do
you just wear that to keep the
douchebags away?
CONNIE
No, I'm actually married.
TUCKER
How good is your marriage?
CONNIE
Good enough to keep me in it.
TUCKER
Then what are you doing here?
CONNIE
Girls night out.
TUCKER
C’mon, isn’t that just code for
“Let’s Get Drunk And Suck Off Hot
Guys In the Bathroom”?
CONNIE
Maybe for the girls you hang out
with.
TUCKER
Are you calling my mom a slut?
CONNIE
(laughing)
Does she know you talk like that?
TUCKER
Does your husband know you flirt *
with men you meet in bars? *
90.
Connie playfully pulls the beer from Tucker and takes a good- *
sized drink. He grabs it back and pounds the rest. The *
bathroom door opens and Connie starts to go in.
TUCKER (CONT'D)
You’re not going to invite me in?
CONNIE
There’s only one toilet. *
TUCKER
There’s a sink, isn’t there?
Connie pulls him in and shuts the door.
86 INT. BAR BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS 86
Connie is in the near stall. Tucker is pissing in the sink. *
CONNIE (O.C.) *
Do you always hit on women in the
bathroom line?
TUCKER
Only hot ones I want to sleep with.
CONNIE (O.C.) *
You think I'm hot?
TUCKER
Baby, you're so hot, if I were
dating you, I'd never leave the
house. I'd never even leave your
vaginal area, unless I was cumming
on your face.
Tucker finishes and zips up as Connie emerges from the stall. *
CONNIE
You think I’m gonna have sex with *
you? *
TUCKER
Please, I am going to hit it so *
hard, whoever pulls me out of you
will become King of England.
Tucker grabs her, pulls her into him, and swallows her face. *
91.
87 INT. HOTEL CORRIDOR ELEVATOR BANK - LATER 87 *
Elevator doors open. Tucker and Connie are in the exact same *
position as the bathroom; eating each other’s faces. They *
stumbled out of the elevator and down the hall. *
TUCKER
Your tits are so hot.
A loud gurgling sound emanates from Tucker’s abdomen and he *
grimaces with discomfort. *
CONNIE
Stop talking, you’re going to ruin
it.
88 INT. HOTEL ROOM - CONTINUOUS 88
The room is dark. Tucker and Connie barge through the door,
peeling clothes off, and turn on the light. A stronger wave *
of abdominal discomfort overtakes Tucker as one hits Connie. *
TUCKER
Wait. I have to shit. *
CONNIE
Let me go first. I’ll be quick.
Connie slides into the bathroom. Tucker pulls the bed covers
back, kicks off his shoes, and shimmies out of his pants.
Unnatural sounds begin to emanate from the bathroom as his *
discomfort continues to build. *
TUCKER
What are you doing in there?
CONNIE (o.s.)
Nothing.
Sounds of prodigious shitting fill the room, only adding to *
Tucker’s crescendoing pain. *
TUCKER
It doesn’t sound like nothing.
Hurry up!
CONNIE (o.s.)
I’ll be out in a second.
TUCKER
Turn on the fan.
Connie emerges from the bathroom and Tucker shoots up.
92.
CONNIE
(uneasy and hurried)
I don’t feel well. I’m gonna go.
TUCKER
What?!
Connie moves past Tucker to collect her stuff.
CONNIE
(sheepishly)
There’s something wrong with the
bathroom.
89 INT. HOTEL ROOM BATHROOM - SIMULTANEOUS 89
The bathroom looks like the lower 9th Ward after Katrina.
Brown shit water is spilling onto the bathroom floor and the
tank is gurgling demonically. It’s a sensory assault.
TUCKER
You clogged the toilet? You clogged
a motherfucking hotel toilet! What
kind of constipated meth-head bowel
movement does it take to clog a
HOTEL TOILET?!
ANGLE ON Connie shuffling past the bathroom...
TUCKER (O.S.) (CONT'D)
Those things are designed to suck
down third trimester shit babies,
and you clogged it?! Is this what
married life does to people!?
...and out the door unnoticed. He grips his abdomen and ass.
TUCKER (CONT'D)
Oh no. Where’s another bathroom?
Tucker dashes out.
90 INT. HOTEL LOBBY - MOMENTS LATER 90
Tucker bursts out of the elevator, looks around frantically,
and sprints to the empty front desk. It’s 4 am. He hits the
bell furiously for an obnoxiously long time until the
sleeping clerk comes out.
TUCKER
Is there a bathroom down here?
93.
FRONT DESK CLERK
Back corner of the lobby.
Tucker takes off, turns the corner from the front desk and
immediately realizes his mistake. The lobby is triangular.
TUCKER
Which corner?!
He spots a white door at one end of the lobby, quickly
waddles to it holding his butt cheeks together, and bursts
through the door.
JANITOR
AAAYYYY!!
It’s a janitor’s closet.
TUCKER
Where is the bathroom!?
JANITOR
Que? No, no hablo ingles!
TUCKER
WHAT?! Uh...uh...DONDE ESTA EL
FUCKING BANO?!!!
JANITOR
(pointing across the
lobby)
Alla! Alla!
Sixty yards away, a large "RESTROOM" sign hangs above a door.
Tucker breaks into a dead sprint and his boxers start to sag.
Thirty yards, his ass crack and legs get noticeably wet.
Forty yards, his boxers have slid down to mid-thigh. Ten
yards from the door, he’s covered in brown, viscous liquid.
Little specks hit the back of his head and ears as he runs.
91 INT. HOTEL LOBBY BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS 91
Tucker bursts in. He’s completely shit himself. He steps out
of his pink boxers, shit puddle in the seat, and flings them
blindly as he breaks into the first stall.
94.
92 INT. BATHROOM STALL - CONTINUOUS 92
Tucker plops down on the seat and immediately slides off. His
ass is covered in slimy, runny feces still spouting black,
viscous human waste. He flushes, it overflows, and he fumbles
out of the stall, sliding on his shit-covered socks.
93 INT. NEXT BATHROOM STALL - CONTINUOUS 93
Tucker collapses onto the seat until he finishes--exhausted,
dehydrated, and tearing up from the exertion. There's no
toilet paper. Tucker takes off his shirt but discovers it's
covered in little specks of shit.
94 INT. BATHROOM SINK AREA - CONTINUOUS 94
The large vanity mirror has a thick black streak from the
ceiling to the countertop where his boxers are crumpled in a
ball. He peels off his shit-heavy socks and flings them in
the direction of the boxers. One sticks to the mirror.
95 INT. HOTEL LOBBY - CONTINUOUS 95
Naked and covered in speckles of his own poop, Tucker slinks
out into the lobby.
TUCKER
Who else on this earth could be
having a worse night than me?
Laid out before him is a trail of his own feces. It starts
wide at his feet and gets smaller until it apexes at the
clunky white shoes of the small Mexican janitor.
TUCKER (CONT'D)
Sorry. I mean, uh, lo siento.
Tucker walks defeated toward the elevators. The Lady Janitor
is sobbing hysterically.
96 INT. HOTEL ELEVATOR - CONTINUOUS 96
Waiting for the elevator, Tucker stares at himself in the
reflective doors, looking into his own eyes and
face...disappointed. He exhales deeply as the elevator
arrives with a ding and the doors open.
Through the glass of the elevator as it ascends, Tucker sees
why the janitor was crying hysterically.
95.
There’s shit everywhere: on the couches, the walls, the
plants, everywhere.
TUCKER
God, I hope they serve beer in
hell.
97 EXT./INT. WEDDING CHAPEL - NEXT DAY 97 *
Jeff and Kristy have their backs to us. The last groomsman is
not dressed the same as the rest, because he took Tucker’s
place at the 11th hour. They finish the ceremony and turn
down the aisle. Jeff’s black eyes and swollen brows are
smeared in DermaBlend. Sweating from nerves, Jeff’s face
looks like someone pissed on a chalk painting.
INT. TUCKER’S HOTEL ROOM *
Tucker looks a little bleary-eyed but he’s freshly showered *
and hastily yanking on his tuxedo. The room service menu is *
open on the bed and he’s on the room phone. *
TUCKER *
Yeah. Yeah. I know. I don’t care. *
The biggest one you got. ASAP. Now! *
Tucker hangs up as he zips his fly, done getting dressed. *
98 EXT. RECEPTION HALL - LATER 98
The banquet hall is beautiful. Large bay windows frame the
elegant wedding reception inside. It’s an idyllic scene
broken only by workers setting things up on the lawn.
99 INT. RECEPTION HALL - LATER 99
The maid of honor is finishing her speech. Tucker slides in
quietly and settles against the bar. He whispers something to
the bartender, who nods, and sneaks him some money.
MAID OF HONOR
And after that, I knew she’d met a
keeper. And I was right. I love you
Kristy!
Everyone toasts and politely claps. The BEST MAN, Jeff’s *
brother, picks up the mic. He is sweating and nervous.
ANGLE ON Tucker at the bar. He motions to the bartender for a *
beer. *
96.
WEDDING BARTENDER *
Four bucks. *
TUCKER *
What?! *
BEST MAN (O.S.) *
Hey, I am Jeff’s older brother. *
WEDDING BARTENDER *
Cash bar. *
TUCKER *
Who has a cash bar at a wedding? *
Tucker reluctantly pays as we ANGLE BACK on the best man. *
BEST MAN *
I’ve known him his whole life, and *
boy are my arms tired.
No response. ANGLE ON Aaron, sitting at a table with Lara.
AARON
Bet that joke killed on his blog. *
ANGLE on Best Man.
BEST MAN
Uh, when Jeff told me he’d met the
girl he wanted to marry, I couldn’t
believe it. Only a few short years
ago, he was throwing rocks at
girls, and now, he is putting one
on...her finger.
ANGLE on Tucker, standing at the back of the room.
BEST MAN (CONT’D)
I have known Kristy for a few years
now, and I couldn’t have asked for
a better sister-in-law. Here is to
my little bro and his bride.
Everyone toasts. Tucker walks to the front and takes the
microphone from Best Man.
TUCKER
(to Jeff’s brother)
Gimme that mic, Sling Blade.
97.
TUCKER (CONT’D)
(into the mic)
Some of you may not know me, my
name is Tucker Max. Jeff is my best
friend. Or at least was, until last
week when I took advantage of his *
kindness and loyalty. I forced him
into lying to Kristy, dragged him
two hours away, got him abusively
drunk, and then ditched him to
sleep with a midget stripper. I am
the reason that, on the most
important day of his life, Jeff's *
face looks like a melted Barbie
doll's.
Kristy’s mother is nearly apoplectic. Jeff, holding back his
building fury, scoots his chair out to get up, but Kristy
puts her hand on his leg to stop him and keep him seated.
TUCKER (CONT’D)
The worst part is that I didn't
know I was doing anything wrong. I *
was just doing what I’ve always *
done; which is pretty much whatever *
the hell I want. And to be honest, *
it's worked out pretty well for me
up to about 24 hours ago. When my *
selfishness finally caught up with *
me and cost me Jeff’s friendship, *
and my invitation to his wedding. *
Aaron and Lara look at each other.
TUCKER (CONT’D)
Still, I shrugged it off and went
out anyway. I won't bore you with *
the particulars but the long and
short of it is, I got drunk and
ended the night sprinting across
the hotel lobby, uncontrollably *
shitting my pants.
Gasps across the audience.
TUCKER (CONT’D)
No really, I crapped all over the
lobby. And following my selfish
pattern, I left the mess and went
back to my room like nothing
happened.
More gasps.
98.
TUCKER (CONT’D)
The only thing that prevented me
from passing out in a pile of my
own puke was all the knocking at my
door.
100 INT. HOTEL ROOM - LAST NIGHT - FLASHBACK 100
Tucker opens his hotel room door, to see the maid, eyes still
red with tears.
TUCKER (V.O.)
It was the hotel maid.
A mop and bucket in her hands that she thrusts at Tucker.
TUCKER (V.O.) (CONT’D)
Staring into her angry, overworked *
face, I had a moment of clarity: *
Someone else always cleans up my *
mess, and for the past few years,
it's been Jeff.
101 INT. WEDDING RECEPTION - CONTINUOUS 101
TUCKER
At three in the morning, on my
knees, literally cleaning up my
shit for the first time in my adult
life, I finally understood what an
amazing person Jeff is, and how
lucky I am...was...to call him my
friend.
Tucker turns to look at Jeff and Kristy with real sincerity,
choking up a little.
TUCKER (CONT'D)
Jeff, Kristy, I hope you can accept
my sincere apology. When I came to
your hotel room last night to say
sorry, I honestly didn't understand
what I was apologizing for. But
over the past 24 hours, it's hit me
like, well, like ten pounds of
slippery shit. I've been a horrible
friend. And even though I probably
don't deserve to have either of you
in my life, I had to come here to
tell you that and to ask you for
your forgiveness.
99.
ANGLE on Jeff and Kristy, who look at each other.
TUCKER (CONT’D)
I know this will probably scare the
crap out of most of you, but I hope
to have kids someday. I am sure I
will only have daughters, and they
will all be vicious sluts who sleep
with assholes just like me and then *
throw it in my face. But such is *
karma. If one is a boy, though, I *
will consider myself a huge success
as a father if he grows up to be
half the man that Jeff Smith is *
right now.
ANGLE ON the room. Expressions have softened, the room is
quiet, some still unsure what to think. ANGLE ON Aaron and
Lara.
LARA
(crying)
That’s so sweet. *
Aaron rolls his eyes. ANGLE ON Tucker, who has turned to
address Jeff directly.
TUCKER
Jeff, I have never thanked you,
never acknowledged you, never
really even thought about it. I
just took from you, dude. I’m *
really sorry. And for once, I want *
to give you something back.
Tucker motions to the bartender, who flips a set of switches
that pull back the drapes on the bay windows behind the head
table, revealing a huge bouncy castle on the lawn.
KRISTY’S MOTHER
Oh no.
JEFF
OH YES! AWESOME!
The crowd erupts with laughter and applause. The children run
outside to play in it. Tucker sets the mike down and hugs
Jeff and Kristy and they toast to the bride and groom.
102 INT. WEDDING RECEPTION - MONTAGE 102
Everyone is drinking. Guys and kids play in the bouncy
castle.
100.
Tucker dances with the grandma, flirts with girls, tells a
hilarious story as the center of attention. Aaron refuses to
dance despite Lara’s seductive stripper moves.
103 INT. RECEPTION BAR - LATER THAT NIGHT 103
Jeff, Kristy, Aaron, and Tucker are standing at the bar at
the end of the night, ties undone, just the four of them.
They look content.
KRISTY
Tucker, I have to say, when you got
up there, I almost died. I had no
idea what you were going to do. But
that was a great speech.
TUCKER
Thank you. You deserve it. I owe
you and Jeff.
JEFF
Yeah, you do.
Kristy and Tucker hug.
KRISTY
I have to go check on the guests.
Kristy walks off.
JEFF
So...did you really fuck a midget?
TUCKER
Oh yeah.
AARON
When she’s riding you, can you spin
her like a top?
TUCKER
I tried, but her vagina was too
shallow. Physics were all wrong.
JEFF
Did you really shit the lobby? *
TUCKER
Oh yeah.
AARON
Did you really clean it up?
101.
TUCKER
Well, the maid did show up at my
room with a mop and a bucket. But
you guys have known me for many
years. What do you think Tucker
would do?
104 INT. HOTEL HALLWAY - LAST NIGHT - FLASHBACK 104
Tucker opens the door. The maid, eyes still red with tears,
thrusts a mop at him. He refuses it. She thrusts it at him
again. He pulls out a $20 bill. She refuses. He pulls out
another $20. She accepts them and Tucker closes the door.
105 INT. RECEPTION BAR - CONTINUOUS 105
AARON
I knew it! You don’t even do your
own laundry.
JEFF
You didn't clean it up? You stand
up at my wedding, pour your heart
out, and it's all bullshit?
TUCKER
It’s not all bullshit. I don’t need
to actually clean up the mess to
learn the lesson.
AARON
I don’t even know why this shocks
me anymore.
Jeff and Aaron look at Tucker with a mixture of bemusement *
and amused disbelief. Before anyone says another word, a dog *
comes into frame, leading a CUTE GIRL toward the ballroom *
doors. It’s a seeing eye dog. The cute girl is blind. A beat. *
As recognition of the blind girl settles over the trio, the *
mischievous glimmer returns to Tucker’s eye and they see it. *
TUCKER *
I’ll be right back. *
Tucker breaks for the cute blind girl as we... **
CUT TO BLACK
MAIN TITLES & END CRAWL
102.
^^^Holy fuck. Damnit dude, now Tucker's probably gonna try to get this blog taken down.
^^^Nah, Tucker's not so much of a loser that he would check some silly little nothing-blog.
tuckers been trying to get this blog taken down since it started. he reads it religiously. trust me.
Damage has already been done. Worst case scenario, we comment on Light's blog.
If Tucker has any sense, he'll ignore that posting.
Frankly, if he reacts like a bitch holding a broken rubber, his screenplay would likely appear on other blogs.
How do you guys know that Tucker reads this site? Is he really that insecure? What a dipshit.
Posting the whole script is a pretty clear-cut case of copyright infringement and Tucker can seek an injunction against Google to have the post removed. Of course Google will remove it first upon notice since copyright infringement is a violation of the Terms of Use/Service, so Google *could* try to shut the blog down now.
Believe me, I detest Tucker Max and hope his movie fails, but let's not give him any ammo to shut down this blog. It is too funny.
^^^ The script has no copyright markers anywhere on it, and it's been available online for months. How is this copyright infringement?
Disseminating Tucker's script is no laughing matter.
Literally.
Somebody, post Tucker's book on here! If we're gonna commit copyright infringement, might as well go all the way! Right, fellow haters? Tucker is a fuckin Sarah Palin wannabe bitch anyway.
Here's a pretty funny story I found somewhere, featuring some guy named Otto Mac, and his friends SilverBoy and Love.
THE FOXFIRE WEEKEND
I have never attended the University of Virginia, but I still feel like I
have a bond with the school. I applied and got in for college, and to my
mild regret chose to attend a major university in Chicago instead. I got in
again for law school, and chose a major university in Durham, North Carolina because UVa didn't give me an
academic scholarship (A major university in Durham, North Carolina did). I have four cousins that attended
UVa and I've probably visited that school more than any other. But it
was one incredible event in April of 2000 that really cemented my
unofficial tie to that school: Foxfire.
Foxfire is the name for the spring equestrian animal races they have on some
farm near UVa. Everyone loads up their car or truck or RV with food
and booze, parks in this massive field and tailgates all day. Allegedly
there are actual equestrian animals and they race each other around the track, but
no one I know has ever seen them.
I was a 2L at A major university in Durham, North Carolina Law School that year. SilverBoy and his girlfriend
(who would later become his wife) both went to UVa for undergrad,
and she was still at UVa when we were at law school. The Friday night
before Foxfire, SilverBoy, Love and I were out drinking in Durham.
This is the rest of the story:
11:OOpm:We are eating Mexican food and drinking tasty alcoholic beverages. SilverBoy
regales us with wistful tales of Foxfire. He describes a weekend of
virtually unlimited alcohol, raucous drinking, food spreads to rival great
medieval halls, and girls in sun dresses with negotiable morals.
11:15: Love and I ask him why we aren't going. He doesn't have a
satisfactory answer. We demand to leave immediately. He balks. We call
him out. Doubt his manhood. Inquire as to his sexual preference and
conjecture that he is of bastard French origin.
11:16: SilverBoy is on the phone with his girlfriend [SilverWife],
telling her that we are coming, and requesting that she go out and buy
tasty alcoholic beverages. SilverBoy is easily manipulated.
12:00am: We are on the road to Charlottesville. I have a personal 12
pack to make the three hours go by faster.
1:12: My tasty alcoholic beverages is spilling on SilverBoy's car. I don't notice because I
am passed out.
3:00: We arrive at SilverWife's apartment. We ask her where the
parties are. She doesn't know. This pleases SilverBoy. He sees it as a
sign she is true to him. Couples like that make me sick.
8:00: Love and I wake up from a comfortable night sleeping on the
hardwood floor. We bang on the bedroom door until SilverBoy wakes
up. "TIME TO DRINK!" He looks at us like we are rabid wild animals
trying to eat his children. He slams the door and goes back to sleep.
8:03: Love and I crack our first tasty alcoholic beverages.
8:05: Love and I crack our second tasty alcoholic beverages.
8:08: Love and I crack our third tasty alcoholic beverages. I tell Love that I can out drink him.
He laughs, "So it begins, Mac."
8:30: After we shotgun our 3rd tasty alcoholic beverages in a row, I can feel the tasty alcoholic beverages sloshing
around in my stomach. Drinking in the morning = bad decisions.
9:17: I am on my 8th tasty alcoholic beverages of the morning, and am already starting to
look for places I can vomit. Love is not slowing down. I decide that
Love can indeed out drink me.
10:00: Love doesn't care that I have stopped trying, and keeps furiously
pouring alcohol down his throat. He is stomping around the
apartment, calling everyone out. "COME ON MAC-WHERE THE
HELLARE YOU AT? YEEEEAAAAAHHH ... SilverBoy, get your ass
out here. Bloody Mary's, one-for-one, YOU AND ME. Mac already
tapped out. You can even get SilverWife to help you.
YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH. MAC YOU PUSSY!"
11:00: We get in the car and pick up SilverBoy's undergrad friends
who are in town for Foxfire. Love has moved from Aggressive
Drinking to Combative Drinking. He is attacking the tasty alcoholic beverages. Love sticks
his entire upper body out the back window of the car screaming at
every female he sees, "WOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHH ... SHOW
US YOUR TITS!!!"
11:15: SilverBoy tells me that although there are lots of hot girls at
Foxfire, no one actually hooks up there. It's more of a social drinking
event, he says. I ask him if he knows who he is talking to. He rolls his
eyes and condescendingly wishes me luck, "OK, Otto ... no one
hooks up at Foxfire, they hook-up afterwards." SilverBoy has
thrown down the gauntlet. I pick it up and bitch slap him with it,
"Motherfucker! How dare you besmirch my whore-attraction abilities.
I'm going to hook up with a girl right in front of you, and then make you
smell my finger."
12:00pm: We arrive. The field stretches beyond sight, an endless
expanse of bushy-haired frat boy fuckwits in striped shirts and red pants,
their cold tasty alcoholic beverages and underage women ripe for the plundering. This is
almost unfair.
12:01: I see my first hot girl in a sun dress and nearly break my neck
staring at her. This scene will replay itself approximately 1,200 times
this day.
12:13: We arrive at SilverBoy's friend's tent. He starts to introduce us,
but Love pushes everyone out of the way and dives into the fried
chicken. He looks up momentarily to greet them with a barely
decipherable mumble about "less talking, more eating," before turning
his full attention to the potato salad, pushing it into his mouth by the
handful.
12:14: SilverBoy tells me that he is a little surprised. He had been
sure I would be the one who ruined the afternoon. I remind him that it's
still early in the race.
12:38: One girl, trying to be nice to Love, points to the cooler and offers
him a drink. He examines the selections, "I will not drink light tasty alcoholic beverages
or diet soda as both have been found to cause cancer in lab rats and
have not really helped fat Americans that much anyway. Do I see
Hooch in that cooler? OHHH LORD! MAC, COME LOOK AT THIS!
WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?" I decide that it's
time for Love to walk around Foxfire with me.
12:50: Love is not pleased, "Dude, they had tasty alcoholic beverages. Why are we leaving?"
I explain, "You already pissed all of them off, we have to find new
victims. We'll just steal tasty alcoholic beverages from people smaller than us." This pleases
Love, "SHOW ME THE WAY!"
12:54: We find our first victims. A tailgate with small kids. Love storms
up and starts rummaging through their cooler. "JACKPOT MAC! THEY
HAVE BUD TALL BOYS!"
1:04: We go to another tailgate. Some sorority. Hot girls everywhere.
Love walks right in the middle, "HELLLLO LADIES! WHO WANTS TO
DO A SHOT!!" He grabs a tequila bottle and starts recklessly waving it
around, sloshing the contents on several people.
1:05: We are asked to leave the sorority tailgate area.
1:09: We find another sorority tailgate. Love walks right into the middle
of them, "I HEAR UVA GIRLS CAN DRINK! EQUESTRIAN ANIMALSHIT! I CAN OUT
DRINK ALL YOU SKIRTS!"
1:10: We are asked to leave our second sorority tailgate.
1:20: We find another tailgate of girls. I decide on a different course of
action for us, "Love, do not speak unless spoken to." These girls are
athletes. My cousin rows at UVa. I ask them if they know her. They do,
and I'm in. For college girls, common friends = the guy is safe = I want
to have sex with him.
1:55: Things are going great. Love is talking to a girl taller than him, so
he is calm. Then it happens. Some girl decides to flirt with me by calling
me out, "You don't look like much of a drinker."
1:56: This will not go unanswered, "Who are you talking to? Bitch, you
couldn't even tie my drinking shoes." She challenges me to a shot
contest. This makes me laugh, "Line'em up. And no girly shit either.
Straight liquor. Anything except whiskey."
1:58: She raises the first shot and gives a toast, "Give me chastity and
give me continence-but not yet ... St. Augustine!" All her little friends
laugh and cheer. Amateurs.
1:59: I raise my shot, "This is for all the bitches, ho's and tricks, I'd
wouldn't talk to any of you, if I didn't have a dick ... Otto Mac."
Everyone laughs.
2:00: One of the girls asks me, "Who is Otto Mac?"
2:10: Two shots later, my female opponent bows out of the shot contest.
I taunt her mercilessly, "You may be able to vote and drive, but
you'll never be equal!" I am not a gracious winner.
2: 11: One of her little friends comes up to me. She is cute with short
hair and thick black framed glasses. She is pissed:
Girl "That was really sexist."
Otto "No it wasn't, it was a joke. If I had said that women are nothing
but life support for a pussy, now THAT would be sexist."
Girl "Excuse me?"
Otto "If I had called her a hot mouth, that would be sexist too. Or, if
I said that the only thing going for her is that she's 98.6 degrees and
has two wet holes, that would be very sexist. But I didn't say those
things, did I?"
Girl "WHAT?"
Otto "Uh oh! Did I piss you off? Are you going to write angsty
poetry?!?"
She is looking at me like I'm a toilet full of used condoms. Love pulls
me away from her before she recovers, "Mac, I think you have caused
enough damage here." It takes me a second to register it, but I realize
that Love is now the voice of reason. This does not bode well.
2:25: Using the same "Do you know my cousin" line, we get in with
another tailgate. These girls think that drunk, sarcastic assholes are
funny. Hello wheelhouse. I decide to mock people for their amusement.
2:27: Some redneck doofus walks by: "Look at yourself-does the carnival
have the day off? If you can guess my weight, I'll give you a free
tasty alcoholic beverages."
2:31: To a slutty looking girl: "Is that a cross on your chest? Just because
you spend most of your time in the missionary position doesn't
make you religious."
2:33: An old woman walks by who looks remarkably like Ethel
Merman. I bust out in verse, "You'll be swell, you'll be great, you'll have
the whole world on a plate, starting here, starting now, baby everything's
coooming up roooooses!"
2:34: One of the girls cracks up laughing, "OH MY GOD! AIRPLANE IS
MY FAVORITE MOVIE EVER!" I walk over to her, "My name is Otto
and I am going to law school at A major university in Durham, North Carolina so I can be really rich and buy
shiny things for my wife. What's your name?"
3:15: I am ruthlessly flirting with her. Love saunters up, looks at her
and then looks at me, "Do I even need to know this one's name?" I
decide it is time to get this girl away from Captain Cockblock and find
someplace private.
3:30: I am having difficulty finding privacy at an outdoor race course.
3:40: A stroke of genius hits me-I find the open grass area on the
small hill behind SilverBoy's tailgate, and suggest that we sit there,
"to be alone."
3:42: I look around and realize that at least 2000 people can see us.
One of those people is SilverBoy. I wave.
3:45: I tell her that she is really pretty. She blushes. She tells me I am
funny.
3:50: I tell her that she is exactly what I am looking for in a girlfriend.
She blushes more. She tells me I am nice.
3:55: We are making out. In front of everyone.
4:00: Not satisfied with just kissing, I start exploring. She doesn't have
any underwear on. Gold-digging sluts are awesome.
4:05: I've got two fingers in her vagina and one in her butt. I am giving
this girl The Shocker. No one hooks up at Foxfire? Fuck you,
SilverBoy.
4: 15: I try to climb on top of her, but she stops me. Prudes suck.
4:16: She grabs my hand and gets up, "Let's go somewhere else; we
are on a hill in front of everyone." Oh ... right, I forgot about that.
4:30: We walk past a Port-a-Potty. I consider the possibility, open the
door, and immediately change my mind. No pussy is worth enduring
that smell.
4:55: We come across an RV tailgate that is empty. The people next to
it say that everyone is off watching the alleged equestrian animal races.
5:01: They left the door to the RV open. Whoops. I throw her on the
bed and we start fucking. I don't even have to take her clothes off, as
her sun dress without panties doesn't require it. Sluts are awesome.
5:04: Drunk sex is great.
5:08: I decide that drunk, transgressive sex in someone else's RV with
a girl you don't know is even better.
5:10: I start hitting it hard. Every time I thrust in, she yelps. It sounds
like a yelp of enjoyment, and she isn't asking me to stop, so I hit it
even harder.
5: 14: I hit it harder. She yelps louder.
5:15: I can feel it coming. This is going to be a great cum shot.
5: 17: My eyes start burning. I ignore it.
5:18: HOLY SHIT I CANNOT BREATHE-WHAT THE FUCK IS
GOING ON??
5:18: The girl and I stumble out of the RV, in tears, both coughing and
barely able to breathe. I am very confused. My throat feels like I ate a
handful of habanero peppers. We start gulping down water and tasty alcoholic beverages
to get rid of this awful burning.
5:23: She screams. "OH MY GOD! I KNOW WHAT THAT WAS!" She
covers her face and runs back into the RV. She emerges, coughing
again, with her purse held as far away from her as possible. "I was laying
on my purse, and I guess my pepper spray went off accidentally.
Everything inside it is ruined!"
5:25: I don't know whether to laugh or cry at this. Still processing this
info, I reach down and adjust my sticky crotch. I learn the hard way
that capsaicin (the active ingredient in pepper spray) works on any
moist skin, not just the throat and eyes. I start screaming and hopping
around the tailgate.
5:27: THIS SUCKS.
5:30: I find a hose by the Port-A-Potties, pull my pants down, and start
spraying water all over my exposed genitals.
5:32: The water is Arctic cold. My balls have retreated so far up into
my torso that I could pull them out of my throat. I look like a eunuch.
Everyone is laughing at me. I don't care. Stopping the pain is all that
matters.
5:35: The numbness has taken the edge off the pain. I stop spraying
myself and cover up my genitals. My pants are completely soaked.
5:40: I can't find the RV or the girl. I am totally lost.
5:45: I stop and consider what just happened. I cannot believe it. I just
got accidentally pepper sprayed during sex, then burned up my crotch,
then had a crowd of people laugh at me as I hosed off my balls. What
the fuck?
6:00: I am still lost. I can't even find SilverBoy's tailgate. I try to call
him on my cell, but it won't work. I remember that electronics do not
mix well with water.
6:30: I finally find SilverBoy's tailgate area. Everyone is gone. This is
not good. A passerby lets me use his phone to call Love.
6:31: He answers, but I can barely hear him. It sounds like he is in a
wind tunnel. There are dogs barking in the background. This is too
much for me. I just hang up.
6:37: I call SilverBoy. He is back at SilverWife's apartment. He tells
me to meet him at her place. Am I supposed to walk? "Hey, you
hooked up at Foxfire, apparently you can do anything." Jerk.
6:55: I walk about a mile before an old couple picks me up. They are
nice and agree to take me to SilverWife's apartment. There is a
cooler in the back seat. I ask if I can have a tasty alcoholic beverages. "Uh yeah, son, go
ahead. You kids sure do like to drink a lot. You'd think a whole day of it
would be enough." I disagree, "Sir, when you are an alcoholic, there is
no such thing as enough."
7:30: I get to the apartment. Love is not there. SilverBoy thought he
was with me. I thought he was with him. Uh oh. SilverBoy calls Love.
Love "I'm not going to lie to you, I am lit up."
SilverBoy "Where are you?"
Love "I'm not sure. These guys gave me a ride in the back of their
truck with their dogs, but they dropped me off on campus. Weren't you
a SigEp at UVa? I think that's where I am."
7:45: We get to the SigEp house. Love is asleep in a chair in the living
room. No one else is there. I tell Love to wake up and find his dignity.
7:46: Love stumbles out the front door of the fraternity, "HAS ANYBODY
SEEN MY GODDAMN DIGNITY?"
8:00: We go to a bar. The Biltmore. It is crowded. Love decides that
the service sucks and that as a result he is going to stand on our table
and yell at people, "SOMEONE GET ME A GODDAMN TASTY ALCOHOLIC BEVERAGES!"
8:32: Love does not have good balance when he is drunk, and proceeds
to tumble off the table, in the process crashing it into another
table and flinging all the drinks on a guy sitting there quietly with his
girlfriend.
8:33: The couple is completely covered in tasty alcoholic beverages and vodka. I prepare
myself to fight, but the guy just sits there. I ask "Are you not going to
whip his ass?" He just sits there. His girlfriend gets pissed and storms
off. Then he gets pissed at Love. I point out the obvious, "No reason to
fight now, your bitch already left."
10:30: SilverBoy decides he'd rather be at home with the woman he
loves rather than drinking his 20th tasty alcoholic beverages of the day with his drunk,
obnoxious friends. Pussy.
10:45: The line to piss is way too long. I walk outside and pee on the
wall.
10:46: A cop walks up.
Cop "Son, you need to stop that and come over here."
Otto "I can't stop; it'll burn. I have to finish."
10:4 7: As the cop pulls out his handcuffs he sees a fight break out 20
yards away. He runs off. Tonight, the Drinking Gods are on my side.
Well, sort of.
10:48: As I zip up my pants, I run to another bar. Just in case.
10:55: At the new bar, I get a drink. Uncoordinated from my inebriation
I spill the drink on myself. I get mad at it, "You naughty liquor, you
drunken me."
10:56: Much to my surprise, my drink starts talking back to me. It tells
me not to blame it, that I am a clumsy drunk. I believe I may have discovered
a new level of drunkenness beyond 'Otto Mac Drunk'. It is
called 'When Inanimate Objects Talk To You Drunk.'
11:15: I see a girl standing in line for the bathroom. I'm not sure why,
but I am drawn to her.
11:16: I approach her. I tell her not to be sad. She tells me that she
failed the bar. I tell her that's OK, she'll pass next time. She tells me
that I am nice. 16 hours of continuous drinking and my Lonely Slut
Radar is still sharp.
1:30am: Many drinks and lots of flirting later, we go to her place.
1:35: She is trying to convince me that she never does this and is not
that type of girl. It was difficult for me to understand. Her enunciation
isn't very good with my dick in her mouth. This thought is my last clear
memory.
11:OOam:I wake up in,SilverWife's apartment. Love is passed out on
the sofa. I reek of vomit and stale sweat. I am confused as to how I got
there.
11:01am: SilverBoy hands me his phone, and tells me to listen to the
voice message. It is my voice, recorded around 2:45am. I am out of
breath, and sound like I am running:
"SilverBoy, what is your address? Where are you? I just fucked
some random chick I met outside The Biltmore. Apparently she didn't
pass the Bar, so she liked me. The condom broke and I got the fuck
out of there as soon as I could. I'm fucked. My illegitimate kids are
going to be ugly and stupid. HELP!!"
It's official, Tucker is locked out of the edit room.
There's a reason why he won't talk about the edit, because he's not there. He claims that the edit is "boring as shit", which is correct, however, he was originally allowed in for a few days, at which point Bob complained that he was a distraction and he was cut out of the movie.
Note, in his post he says that he's not interested in the day to day on the edit, and will only see a rough cut before they do an "on line edit". There's a reason for this, he's locked out.
For somebody who is guiding the "creative vision" of his own movie, he no longer is holding the steering wheel.
By no means has this gone silent here in Los Angeles. There is no possible way he'll ever get another movie greenlit in this town. His attitude and failure to work well with others have poisoned his own career.
This isn't just an epic failure, it's a Tucker Max failure.
allow me to be the first to say:
ahahahahahahahhahahahahhahahahahahahahahahah.
fuck you tucker, fuck your sorry-ass, over-before-it-started career, fuck your closet-case assistant ryan, fuck your psycho ugly cunt of an ex bunny and a king-size fuck you to all the losers on your gay message board.
be sure to page me when the revolution starts though, i'll need time to properly brace myself.
loser.
I can make up stories about Tucker too you know
I had sex with tucker. He wasn't great. He was wimpy and limp and weak, and not pleasing.
WOAH LOOK AT THAT EVERY FUCKING WORD THAT HAS EVER BEEN SAID ON THE COMMENTS AND BLOGS HAS JUST BEEN REVOKED LIKE YOUR FUCKING DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
FUCKING MEL GIBSON DANNY GLOVER STYLE
CUNTS
^^^Fuck off and DIE, you MOTHERFUCKING TUCKERLOVING FUCKFACE.
Tucker's going to have to make his next movie in Bollywood.
^^^
I'd actually like to see that. His movie would definitely be better if hot indian chicks broke into dance moves every fifteen minutes.
I hope they serve beer in Vaikunta?
^^I hope they serve CURRY in Vaikunta.
^^^I hope they serve DOUCHEBAGS in Vaikunta.
SUP Y'ALL, HOW Y'ALL DOIN
WORD UP
FUCK DAT PROTOMAN SHIT MAN HE WEAK ASS MOFO, TAKE DOUBLE DAMAGE FROM DEM HOES LIKE MEGAMAN IS ALL LIKE FUCK EM SHIT HE BLAST EM FOO WITH ONLY NORMAL BUSTA BUT PROTOMAN DEAL WITH PROTOBUSTA AND CANT KILL DEM FOOS SHIT, FIGHT DEM ELEPHANTS ALL DAY AND THEY SKOOL ME, FUCK DEM FAT GRAY FUCKS, SPECIALLY DEM GREEN BOUNCIN' BALL FUCKER, FUCK DAT SHIT YO
I GOES TO LAW SKOO AND I KNOW DEM SHIT CUZ I AM IS REAL FUCK Y'KNOW ME WHAT I MEAN
ANYWAY FUCK DEM PROTOMAN SHIT, FUCK DEM TO FUCK Y'ALL NIGGAS DON'T KNOW SHIT Y'ALL GONNA EAT SOME PASTE Y'ALL
P.S. NIGGAS IS GAY I GO TO DUKE TO KNOW THAT SHIT, WORD
okay spearchucker, no need for the all caps.
Otto on his movie's success:
The reason I won't publish my box office prediction is because it is so big, so bold and audacious that it would set up a situation where my movie could so amazingly well and still people would call it a failure because it didn't reach my goals. It's a no win situation for me. I have told SLF in person what i think it will do--he can tell you how stupid it would be for me to publish that prediction.
Goddamn this shitskin who keeps posting here! This is a place for people to run trains on a certain douchebag named Tucker Max. We neither read, nor write, JIVE. So take your undereducated, violence prone, social contract ignoring, welfare receiving, bigg lipped having jigaboo ass off of this board and make your way over to the BET forums or some such garbage, you filthy nigger.
^^^
Come on KFM, settle down.
^^^"Are you theriouth? Are you theriouth?"
I was just thinking today how a lot of poor blacks seem really angry. I think it's because their culture encourages that sort of thing.
^
If you look at some of the black kids in war-torn parts of Africa, they want to improve their lot in life. They teach each other to read at night by candle light, and they want to become lawyers and diplomats. American black culture enocurages poor attitudes and decisions, but it's obviously not an ethnic thing.
Guys please stop the BS racial stuff. It isn't funny. Making fun of Tucker Max is funny.
jesus, has 4chan taken over the comments?
"Guys please stop the BS racial stuff."
No.
"Guys please stop the BS racial stuff."
No.
10/08/2008 10:40 PM
^ Cosign. NO. www.niggermania.com
Fact of the matter is, the brass tax, is that the TMax lifestyle appeals to the nigger brain because of the base instincts it evokes in thos left of the bell curve. Don't know what left of the bell curve means? Do research on Race and intelligence testing. Tucker is on the same general level of thought that is strictly emotive, generally unrational, and destructive in every sense.
http://www.news-medical.net/?id=9530
Personally, I do not hate niggers at all, I just correctly understand that they are not human and treat them accordingly. They are nothing more than wild niggers running around loose and one must act accordingly around them. A hundred and fifty years or so ago, people in this country treated niggers accordingly and kept them contained and controlled. We made them useful by managing their numbers, containing them, and forcing them to work and be somewhat productive. But the natural empathy of the White man caused him to unrestrain a species of animal (niggers) largely due to the fact they they mimick humans in their behavior and dress. Now that the genie is out of the bottle, he can't be put back in and we're stuck with living around 30 million wild niggers.
I am never surprised when I hear stories of TNB; stories of niggers raping, torturing, murdering and beating White people. Stories from Africa of them raping babies, toddlers, and goats; drinking lizard pee and smoking their own shit to get high. The rampant disease and famine there and watching their nigglets die off by the millions while their mammies get gang-banged in the bush to pump out another litter. Nothing about niggers surprises me at all because I do not compare their behavior with that of humans.
The only way to hate niggers and to justify the old, tired whigger accusation that racists are full of hate and spread hate and all that nonsense is only if you consider niggers human. It WOULD fill me up with hate and want to get revenge if a group of humans acted the same way niggers do and created so much misery, pain, and suffering in the world. But if you consider them as the animals that they are - a separate species from human - their actions do not surprise nor cause hate at all.
But it does fill me with a sense of bewilderment as to why we allow the nigger herd to run around completely unchecked and unmanaged. The destruction and drain on society they cause is appalling.
^^^ How illuminating.
^^^ LMFAO, that racist tirade was funnier than anything Tucker has ever written. It's like Archie Bunker on steroids. Well done!
"Guys please stop the BS racial stuff."
Most of the racist and conspiracist "world bank" styled posts are Ryan Holiday's clumsy attempt to clog up these threads and make them unreadable for any journalists or industry types digging about. Same goes for posts like the above - occupy centre stage by creating his own drama here.
The FBI agent who flew alongside Tucker and told him about gunhappy border patrol agents is obviously a contorted version of Slingblade. A quick google search shows that he has worked in FBI operations investigating illegal immigration.
And just how likely is it that an FBI agent on a plane would open up to a complete stranger on a topic which could land him in a senate hearing?
Ryan needs to go back to school, or he'll spend the rest of his life obviously making up for his lack of intellectual self confidence.
"Guys please stop the BS racial stuff."
Most of the racist and conspiracist "world bank" styled posts are Ryan Holiday's clumsy attempt to clog up these threads and make them unreadable for any journalists or industry types digging about. Same goes for posts like the above - occupy centre stage by creating his own drama here.
10/09/2008 4:09 AM
You are fucking delusional. Seek help. The idea that every objectionable post is the work of a specific conspirator and that this fact and their identity is known only to you, is ludicrous. The idea that it was done so that reporters can't do very important research on your comments is laughable. The bubble created on this board is both unique and disturbing. If you really believe what you wrote then you've created some alternate reality in your head and are hardly even aware of it. Thats not to say that this "Ryan Holiday" isn't the culprit for something or other. Maybe he was the one that tore up your trash can. PSSST, It was raccoons, it was Ryan Holiday! But I know for a fact he didn't write nor post the racist tirade, because I posted it.
I know what you are thinking, that I'm Ryan Holiday. (You're crazy.)
Journalists??? Industry types??? Do you really think anyone has an interest in (nonetheless gives any credence to) anonymous, unmoderated comments made to an obscure blog with an obvious agenda that hasn't had a new post in over 18 months?
You guys have one thing in common with Tucker: delusions of grandeur.
The FBI agent who flew alongside Tucker and told him about gunhappy border patrol agents is obviously a contorted version of Slingblade. A quick google search shows that he has worked in FBI operations investigating illegal immigration.
And just how likely is it that an FBI agent on a plane would open up to a complete stranger on a topic which could land him in a senate hearing?
Interesting point.
I still think that if the story has a basis in reality, it was someone sizing up Tucker and beating him in a one-on-one bullshit contest. Picture Tucker, seated next to an authority figure, and due to his daddy issues, seeks his approval. So Tucker launches into one of his transparent, bullshit stories. Whether the man seated next to Tucker was actually an immigration agent is immaterial, the stranger just wants to out bullshit a bullshitter, which is a common and humorous tactic. Tucker is clueless, and believed the story at face value.
Fast forward. Earlier this year a border patrol agent got into trouble shooting at illegals. The illegals were allegedly throwing stones. If an border patrol agent gets into serious legal trouble for shooting stone throwers, what does that say about Tucker's story? It says that the story is either totally fabricated by Tucker, or someone got Tucker to believe his bullshit story on assaulting illegals.
And for the record, ignore the racist crap. What we're seeing is crap flooding. Crap flooding is an old Internet tactic to destroy blogs and message board threads.
Someone is obviously nervous about this blog, now this it has been embedded with Tucker's crappy screenplay.
@7:15, @7:32, @7:52:
HI RYAN! Perhaps you shouldn't space your comments so close together on an otherwise low traffic forum.
I was actually slightly impressed with your 7:52 entry - seemingly agreeing with the original post, but in a deliberately idiotic and muddled way to cloud the topic of discussion.
Nah, 7:32 is me, not RCH. The other thing you, RCH and Max have in common is that you're all a bunch of losers who spend all day on the Internet and have this notion that you're doing Important Work. Jesus. Go get some fresh air or something. Ask a friend (if you have one) to give you a reality check.
8:21 AM
You seriously need a life. I read the entries. They weren't cobbled by Ryan or Tucker. The racist diatribe was undoubtedly an RMMB message board troll trying to earn brownie points with the boss.
8:21 AM
You seriously need a life. I read the entries. They weren't cobbled by Ryan or Tucker. The racist diatribe was undoubtedly an RMMB message board troll trying to earn brownie points with the boss.
10/09/2008 10:13 AM
Nope. It was Ryan Holiday. Also, yesterday someone called my house and didn't say ANYTHING. Now who do you suppose that could've been???
P.S. -
I know you are reading this.
Get your premium handmade tinfoil hats! Made from genuine, 100% aluminum manufactured in the United States, these hats are guaranteed to protect against mind control, brain worms, and Ryan Clark Holiday!
Send check or money order for $149.95 to:
Center for Advanced Heuristic Studies (abbreviated as CASH, please)
5042 Wilshire Blvd
Suite #815
Los Angeles, CA 90036
Tucker's found his validation for his behavior on the board. Banned readers will go up 50%.
WOW THAT IS AMAZING!!!! Tucker was able to come up with the same plan as some guy no one in the wider world has ever heard of (besides Tucker). This is truly revolutionary! Imagine, two separate geniuses were able to come up with a list of incredibly vague, generic tactics on how to make a successful movie blog. Ask yourself this, how are any of those points different from the usual PR machine for a major-motion picture (other than the heavier reliance on the interwebs)? Answer, they're not. All of that is nothing more than an extended version of a PR campaign that every studio employs (magazine articles, "behind the scenes" profiles, interviews with the major players, highlights of their personal lives) via a different medium. It may very well be successful, but revolutionary it ain't.
That list, like Tucker's movie blog, is really just the South Park guide to getting rich.
1. Start movie blog.
2. ????
3. PROFIT!!!!
P.S. As a side note, get ready for the inevitable Tucker post where he mentions how he isn't "jacked" in the movie because of his injury.
^^^ Dude, it's about time SOMEONE wrote what I've been feeling. Ever since I found Tucker's website, I've been mesmerized by his mastery of the English language, by his uncanny ability to put me right into the thick of the action when he spins one of his legendary stories, and by his constant re-inventing of all things media.
I don't think ANYONE ever told crazy stories before Tucker.
Certainly nobody sought to be the ever-charismatic 'life of every party' guy before, THAT'S for sure.
A website? Where you log your daily life's events? Like... like, a web-log? Oh, that's - OH, I'VE GOT IT! WE'LL CALL IT A BLOG! you know, it's, like, short for weblog! weBLOG! Hahahahaha! Revolutionary!
What? That wasn't enough for you? You mean you ALSO wrote a book that made the New York Times bestseller (extended) list? That, my friend, is... just... my brain is quivering with amazement. Did they even HAVE the New York Times bestseller list before your book came along?
Tucker, you are among the most important, influential, greatest men living today. I salute you.
^^^^^
Bro, I'm feelin' ya. Or maybe I'm feelin' me, or maybe I'm just imagining me feelin' Tucker....
Fuck, I need to do a shot of Tucker Max's awesome Death Mix, which wasn't really invented by Tucker because it's a drink he saw at some frat party, but fuck those guys anyhow, frats are for fags and he sleeps with a lot of women and is a totally sweet righter.
Tucker, you the man!
You know who sucks worse than Bunny? Trixie.
Simple: She knows how Tucker treats her sister, yet she still keeps her blog going on his network of sites.
Sure, nobody reads Trixie's blog, but that's your sister, and you know firsthand how he is with her, yet you still coddle up to her tormenter (no, not alcoholism).
Fuck you Trixie, you totally suck. I'm glad you're not my sister.
"Tucker Death Mix"... hahahahaha... you know, 'cause when you drink it, you get so drunk, it's like, 'woah, dude, I could DIEfrom all the zaniness of the drunkenness when I'm drunk on the death mix...hahahahahaha..."! And, you know, Tucker INVENTED it, so, it's like, TUCKER's death mix! Woah! Holy crapping farm animals! Hahahahahahaohmahlordythat'sfunny!
Hahahaha... Whoo! Party on, Tucker! Dude, with some Tucker death mix, I could, get, like TOTALLY Tucker Max drunk! It's like, the drunkest you can even BE, man! And there's a scale of drunkenness that TUCKER even INVENTED! And, like, you know, Tucker Max drunk is, like, the ZENITH of drunkenness - on that very scale!
Hahahahahahahahaha! My heavens, he's funny and edgy!
Trixie is a shallow, vapid cunt.
loving this brotastic tucker jerk-off fest. must be the same guy who wrote the fake interview.
also, you dudes are like, totally forgetting the uh, like, literary significance of a dude who sponges of his rich daddy like the spoiled manchild he is because like, uh, true story, he lives life by HIS rules. cause nobody like ever tells him what to do, except those mean drill sergeants in the army but he like totally showed them by weaseling out cause NOBODY gets the best of tucker max, and if you ever, um, mention opie and anthony on his board he'll ban your ass and have a bunch of losers make harassing phonecalls to your home and workplace cause your criticism is sooooo weak and pathetic he has to lock your thread and delete all your posts just so everybody knows how little he cares. tucker's a genius man, like, uh, did you forget tucker went to the university of chicago at a time when their admissions standards had been, uh, lowered to the point where it was a serious cause of concern amongst the board of regents. he like graduated with HONORS, which uh, true story, is like something only 40% fucking percent of the class can claim.
like, i mean, FUCK dude.
You people simply do not understand the deeper meaning. There's something that makes Tucker's writing GREAT. You see, nobody's done what he's done before. He's created a character that Hollywood has been trying to create for decades - and the truly mind-blowing thing about it all is that he IS the character. See, that's what makes Tucker so unique. He IS this narcissist with a heart of gold that Hollywood has been searching high and low for, lo these many decades. He represents what the 18-35 male demographic wants to BE - THAT'S why he's so amazingly popular - and the truly mind-blowing part of it all is that this is just WHO HE IS. He does it HIS way.
This movie? He did it HIS way - and when it makes 90 million dollars in its first month, everyone will finally understand what makes Tucker so great. He just does what he does, and he mines success accordingly. He's different - he's unique - he's great.
Look. I know just about every fact there is to know about Tucker Max. I done the research. For years now I have. I can tell you conclusively that he is a douchebag because I've spent hours and hours jumping from one site to another discovering various details on this mans life. Its not all in my head though, I have a file. Making fun of Tucker is worth my time because it adds something to my life and to the world, to expose this obscure internet celebrity as a douchebag. I am actually quite cool and popular in reality. I don't spend too much time on this hobby of mine. I don't. I don't spend too much time on this. I don't. Doesn't take long. I have a full life. It doesn't take too much time to do this. It doesn't. Tucker is such a fag. I know he is reading this right now. I know he gets worried about the work I'm doing. Ryan Holiday is here everyday. Everyday he reads MY words and tries to combat them with his comments in an attempt to clog up these threads and make them unreadable for any journalists or industry types digging about. He SHOULD be worried because this blog and all of you that help out will eventually ruin Tucker Max. On that day, when he finally disappears I'm not sure what I'll do then. But thanks for helping anyway, because the sooner we watch him crumble the better the world will be. Make sure you know the racism is an attempt at distraction. The Viacom conspiracies are there to make us look crazy. None of that matters. Stay the course. Ryan Holiday can't stop us. Even if you have to devote a little more time to search the web and find out the real truth about Tuckers friends, or finances, or living situation, or girlfriends, or the status of the movie, or his dad, or if he really has tiny hands (he does), or to make a really insightful post that shows why he reall IS a douchbag then it is all worth it. Your time, your life, is worth it. I know Ryan Holiday is reading this, and Tucker, and to them I say WE WIN FUCKERS. Yeah, WE WIN!
fuck off drex.
Did Tuckels ever attend boot camp?
Serious, did she?
Holy motherfucking shit,
I am so psyched rite now at the prospect of Tucker's movie that I need to do a shot, masturbate to Cakefart.com and read some Robert Greene on his awesome (and kept up) blog on Rudiawesome. And to all you haters out there, no Robert Greene does not look like a child molester or a Muppet, he wrote the book on totally awesome seduction and you can tell he used it because he fucked Bunny (so did Eric Schaffer, no seriously, they both fucked her) because how she finds the silent type with a cunning grin who rights books about being a Lothario and how to manipulate people totally awesome and fuckable.
Eric Schaffer is totally awesome too, even though he fucked Bunny (dude, she's not a sex toy for Tucker's friends, both Bill Dawes and Jamie Kennedy turned her down, see, I'm right!!!). His blog about being a totally awesome film director (whose films I haven't ever heard of, but they have to be awesome if he stars, writes and acts in them) who can't keep a relationship gives me nothing but visions of running nude in the forest with Tucker as we hunt deer using nothing but our totally sweet fangs and strong lower jaws. Actually a lot of things gives me these visions...
Fuck, I have to do a shot and masturbate to some of Tucker's new posts, er, I mean porn.
Tucker, you the man!!
^^^YES! Full-on agreement, broseph.
I like how Tucker's really funny. That's my favorite part about him, I think... or maybe my favorite thing about him is how he's really smart, and always knows the cool things to say when he's talking to girls OR dudes.
I also like how crazy things always seem to happen to him. Have you ever noticed that? Like - ahahahahalaughter- that time when he was having buftsechs with that girl, and then they all started throwing up on each other? Oh, man, that was REALLY funny! Hahahahahafunny!! I mean, dude! For a thing like that to happen, that guy must really be just an ol' crazy party-guy like nobody's BIDNESS! I mean, who does that even HAPPEN to?!?! Hahahaha!
Or, or, or the time whenever he crashed that car into donut shop?! I mean, holy CRAP, man! I'd have freaked OUT over something like that! Like, like, what kind of crazy dude would get himself into that situation?!?! And then, to just flee the scene!?!?! DUDE! That guy's REALLY funny, and he has some balls, too! I mean, like, you know, have and of US ever crashed a WHOLE, ENTIRE car into a real-live DONUT shop??!!?!? Hahahahahahadesperation!! I know I haven't! Man, that guy tells the FUNNIEST stories! I mean, EVER!! He must have been REALLY drunk when THAT happened, because otherwise - dang, you know?! Like, that's NUTS!! Tucker is REALLY, REALLY funny!
whoever wrote about ryan holiday and other tuckerfriends posting nonsense here to clutter the board from the facts - you are spot on. i can actually prove this is true, but i prefer to keep my identity secret. good eye, my man. good eye. (ryan is hte one who wrote (you are crazy) in brackets.)
Tucker is an Internet legend trying to break out into the mainstream, just like Kimbo Slice. And look where it got him...
Tucker's the greatest! Everytime he goes to a party or a bar or a book signing, he meets the same set of losers (fat girl, fat guy wearing camouflage, greasy white guy, and ugly chinese girl) and uses the same set of insults!
Well, at the book signing he poses for pictures with them. But the rest of the time he totally humiliates them and hooks up with a hot chick.
Well, sometimes he hooks up with the fat chick instead. But only because he insulted her first.
'Cuz Tucker lives life by his rules!
How much money was wasted on the McGriddle sequence? There is no way that's gonna make it to the final cut.
whoever wrote about ryan holiday and other tuckerfriends posting nonsense here to clutter the board from the facts - you are spot on. i can actually prove this is true, but i prefer to keep my identity secret. good eye, my man. good eye. (ryan is hte one who wrote (you are crazy) in brackets.)
10/10/2008 2:45 AM
Thank you! Finally someone gets it! Look, it looks like it may be just you and I on this case because Ryan Holiday and Tucker has everyone else on here fooled. I've been going through my Tucker info file all morning trying to break it down and figure a way to take down this douchebag once and for all. Keep me updated on your research or any Tucker updates you may have. Ryan Holiday will no doubt read this board and post something today meant to twist and confuse us or any journalists that might be digging about for the big story.
One of the coolest things about Tucker is that he just tells it like it is, ALL the TIME. See, most people aren't bold or cool enough to always say what's on their mind, but Tucker doesn't have that problem. He's a narcissist, so, like, he doesn't even really CARE what most people think - like, at ALL. THAT'S how cool he is - and what really blows MY mind is that he's not even the coolest one of his friends! Like, can you imagine how COOL that group of friends must BE? I'm thinking they must be really, really cool.
Man, you guys, I remember the time Tucker was willing to fight Michael Ian Black. I mean, like, he was REALLY going to FIGHT him!! Hahahahahaha! Okay, like, do you understand what I'm trying to say? HE WASN'T kidding! Black had written something about how he wanted to fight Tucker, whenever his new book was coming out, but then Tucker was like 'Dude, I will actually really fight you' - and HE WAS SERIOUS.
Woah.
Take a minute to let that soak in. See, Tucker wasn't kidding - he was really going to fight with Black! Hahahahaha! Oh, man! He was even willing to get really drunk (do you think it would have been all the way to Tucker Max drunk?!?! Hahahaha! I bet he would have gotten that drunk- and that's INSANE!) and fight Black while he was STILL drunk! Dude! That's, like, really hilarious AND it shows Tucker's toughness and courage - like, all at once! See? It's just that sort of revolutionary, edgy action that makes Tucker so freaking revolutionary and edgy! Hahahaha! He's REALLY, REALLY funny, you guys. I don't know if you knew that or not, but he is.
^^^ Yeah, whatever you say RYAN! We know its you writing like that to make the rest of us seem lame and obsessed with Tucker! Well guess what? None of us are as lame as that. By writing up what sounds like a guy sarcastically making fun of Tucker in a way that sounds desperate and forced you are trying to make it seem like thats how we ALL are. Its so easy to see through and you don't realize it because you've underestimated the intelligence of the people who post here. Good try though Ryan! HAHA!
dude, you guys are just like, beta omicron males or whatever, you just don't get it, tucker's an ALPHA man, i mean, can you not see that? he's like a scholar-athlete-businessman-playerpimp shit-kicking dork stomper. you bros are just sad. and tucker wasn't even in a frat, he wasn't allowed to join, so take THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11111
"Good try though Ryan! HAHA!"
10/10/2008 8:27 AM
Wow, man... that's awesome. I'm officially in the 'Been Accused of Being Ryan' Club. I wonder how many of the people here are in this exclusive club with me?
^ I don't know, but you now have dual membership in both the "Accused of Being Ryan Club" AND the "Thinking About Tucker Club". You're headed for success in MY book. Personally I'm still suspicious about whether you actually ARE Ryan Holiday!! Regardless a print out of your comments is going in the file till I piece this all together.
be sure to keep it separate from the file containing your hiv test results. if that gets lost you won't be allowed into the gay bathhouse again.
Actually, see, everybody here buy you is an employee of Rudius Media, and you're the only one taking this seriously. Think about that for a second. The person who wrote the last post is a member of Tucker's cult, and so is the person who will write the next post. Or is it? Do you know who's who? Yes? No? Maybe? Maybe Tucker runs this blog, make Holiday does. Maybe it's run by Gawker. Is you IP being recorded and cross-referenced? Is there a tracking cookie on your machine?
Before I write this, I need to emphasize that this post isn't intended to be anything even remotely close to a "call out" of you.
I went to school in Boston last school year and a friend of mine was able to get me tickets to see you speak at Northeastern. At that speech, you said that you tore your ACL fucking a potential financer but in the blog you are saying that it was working out- were these two separate events? Or did the initial tear at the gym worsen during sex?
Again, not intended to try and call bullshit or anything like that at all- I'm actually curious.
Will Otto answer this questions or will the poster be banned?
^^ Whatever you say Ryan. You can't fool us anymore with your games.
Anonymous said...
be sure to keep it separate from the file containing your hiv test results. if that gets lost you won't be allowed into the gay bathhouse again.
10/10/2008 11:09 AM
Being HIV positive IS funny.
he tore it having vigorous gay sex with drunkasaurus rex, who, since he managed to contribute the $200 his grandma gave him for christmas to the film's production, is now considered a "financier".
11:54 AM, did your brother tell you that after he shot that drug-resistant superstrain into your ass?
InterviewGuy and the Fake Tucker Fan (FTF) are the two funniest guys on this board. Are they the same person?
TATGuy is more 'makes you think' funny than 'ha ha' funny. And TaintGuy is just sick.
I think the FTFguy comes off as kinda nutso. Theres a certian crazy quality to his sarcasm thats eerie.
10/09/2008 10:31 PM, 10/10/2008 7:17 AM, 10/10/2008 8:27 AM, and 10/10/2008 10:40 AM are all TATguy I think, he keeps referencing the "file" which is classic TATguy.
I'm the "Fake Tucker Fan", and I have one thing to say to you?
Fuck you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm not a "fake", I truly have embraced the awesomeness that is Tucker Max, and maybe if you had let his creamy awesomeness drip down your throat you wouldn't be living in your parent's basement (even if you don't, but if you do, hahahahah you suck).
Have you not read the totally awesome anal sex story? Did it not make you a better person? If not, you are totally a fag (a fag who doesn't like anal sex, that must be a curse). I mean, he fucks a girl in the ass and she shits on his dick!! Motherfucker, are you kidding me? But I bet if Ernst Hemingway had writed that story all you "hipsters" from "Brooklyn" who read "Gawker" would think it was the shit, right?
Bitch, you wouldn't know a fake if you were anal chugging Tucker's cum as it dripped off my back, down my ballsac and into your mouth... In fact, fuck you, move your bitch ass over, my mouth goes first...
Oh shit, I need to do a shot and become smarter by reading the Ryan Holiday blog while I beat off to his totally not pretentious blog, you know he reads all those books (like 4 a day if you do the math) he promotes while he looks totally smart while not ever making Dean's list at Harvard of California before he dropped out to hang out with Tucker all the time.
God, I wish I was Ryan.
Tucker, you the man!!
Hey, I'm the OTHER fake Tucker dude - uh, the one who doesn't make constant references to oral sex involving Tucker.
You know why I don't do that? It's because I'm not GAY - I just love Tucker's art, and his scene, you know? Like, his whole vibe, man.
I mean, how could you NOT love that stuff? Like, for particulars, I recall this one story of his where he accidentally CRAPPED a hotel LOBBY!!! Oh, hahahahahahaihavenofriends!! It was like, he didn't MEAN to do it, you know? Dude, his buddy had clogged the hotel room toilet (I mean, dude! Who clogs a HOTEL toilet?!?! That guy must be one wild partying brother, in order to clog a HOTEL toilet!! Haahahahaheehahahee!!), and he really had to go to the bathroom, so he went to the LOBBY - you know, to use THEIR bathroom. But, dudes, this is Tucker MAX we're talking about here - so you KNOW some crazy-a$$ funnyness is just BOUND to go down!! And, SURE ENOUGH, he CRAPPED right in the lobby! 'Cause, see, he didn't MAKE it to the bathroom!! Hahahahahahahahahahai'mverylonely!! Oh, man, that's like... whoo! SO crazy, you KNOW?!?!? Holy crap!!! And reading about that is just... oh, it's very, very funny!
Tucker's a GREAT humorist, but the thing that makes him stand alone in the world is that he JUST DOESN'T CARE. He just does it (and by 'it', I mean 'things') HIS way! Can you even IMAGINE all the zany craziness that sort of attitude gets you into? Well, I'll tell you, if you're Tucker Max, it gets you into some incredible adventures!
Tucker's lying about his knee. Here's why:
1) He claims to have had a partially torn ligament in the knee, he complained about it for weeks but then miraculously he went to LA to shoot a movie. When you tear a ligament in your knee it most likely will completely swell the joint to the point that the leg will become nearly useless and will require a cane at the very least. In none of Tucker's pictures from that period where you can clearly see his knees can you notice any swelling at all. Not only that, there are several photos of Tucker kneeling down. Had any of his knee ligaments been partially torn, this would have been impossible.
2) He claims now that he needs to have microfracture surgery. I highly doubt it, as he didn't mention anything about cartlidge damage. Most microfracture surgeries I've been a part of was due to years of abuse that had worn down the cartlidge over a number of years. For the most part, not many doctors will recommend microfracture surgery for non-athletes. Not only that, but most insurance companies will not pay for microfracture surgery, especially when the patient (in this case Tucker Max) claims that he needs the surgery because he refused surgery for his ACL tear in the first place.
3) His talk of pain meds is completely wrong for somebody who is going under the knife for a knee ligament tear. First and foremost is that he's claiming "pain meds" and "muscle relaxers". The first thing any doctor will prescribe are anti-inflammatories, which he hasn't mentioned at all. Why would a doctor perscribe muscle relaxers for a ligament injury without at least give him an anti-inflammatory is beyond me, but what do I know, I'm only an orthopedist.
It's frustrating to see someone as sad and stupid as you, Think About Tucker Guy.
That's so bizarre. Why would he lie about his knee of all things?
^^^
"I'm not in the editing room because of my knee."
He's not in the editing room because he's not allowed to be in the editing room. First off, you're sitting down the entire time you're in an edit. If anything he's doing exactly what he'd be doing in an edit room, sitting down.
The adults took over in an effort to avert disaster. After Tucker's horrid display in Louisiana, can you blame the producers and directors for not wanting to get stuck in an editing room with him for months on end? No, sorry, he got booted out and he's now using the knee as a bad excuse so his fans can't ask questions about how the film is going.
And face facts, if it's Tucker's "creative vision", then why isn't he in the edit in order to tell the "right story"?
Nothing he says is true anymore, he's become a parody of himself.
Tucker doesn't have a job, he's not union, so there's a good chance he doesn't have insurance (unless you count medicaid). Or maybe he qualifies as a "gay partner" for ryan's insurance.
10/10/2008 7:15 PM
No one sees a problem with the depth and detail put forth in this analysis? No one thinks anything is peculiar here? Nothing wrong, nothing to see here? Or am I the "sad and stupid" one? I already know the answer you'll attempt to laden MY psyche with, just try some INTROspection for a second. I realize its necessary to defend defend defend, or else you actually have to examine what you are doing. Sad and stupid indeed.
Really, anyone here really gives a damn why anyone else is here?
I don't buy it.
This is as entertaining a distraction as any other (and even more so than a lot).
Bashing Tucker is no more pathetic than Monday morning quarterbacking at the water cooler.
Don't yuck my yum.
You are sad because you are exactly what you accuse us of being and aren't: obsessed with this blog. You post here constantly. It's sad that you feel some need to "save" us. In the first place, it's none of your business. In the second place, it seems to suggest you are running from your own problems by trying to fix ours-which don't actually exist. It's stupid that you don't see how much of a hypocrite you are. It's stupid that you persist in this "savior" role of yours, even though you don't make headway.
Just think about this:
You have your own nickname. Everybody knows you.
What does that say about your involvement here?
Try some introspection yourself, douchebag.
linkedin for Marnie Tyler (aka trixie of thetrixie.com) -
http://www.linkedin.com/pub/dir/marnie/tyler
Coming in here to post and annoy > spending actual time researching and bashing obscure internet celebrity
Taint guy soup
Ingredients:
3 pairs of tucker's underwear
2 quarts water
star anise
1 package ramen noodles
salt to taste
Directions:
Acquire 3 pairs of tucker's soiled underwear. Whitey tighties are preferred. Ideally, they will have been worn while Tucker was working out, worn for more than three days, or have a nice skidmark/piss stain.
Bring water to gentle boil and reduce heat. Simmer underwear and star anise for 15 minutes then remove. Add ramen noodle (noodles only, not the spice packet) and simmer 10 more minutes or until noodles are desired tenderness. Add salt to taste.
I love how Mark Ebner realized that to get some views to his stories he'd have to ditch his Rudius blog and start posting them to...Gawker.
http://gawker.com/5061091/death-of-a-nethead
Anon - 8:52 AM
lol@u
The Trixie is Marnie Tyler? What the hell kind of a name is Marnie??
a Marine name?
fuck the marines
Oh, fake Taint guy, you just don't get it. The key ingredient for all Taint dishes is the sebum. You know, the waxy, musky secretions which come from the genitals. Only sebum can give the proper delicate, smooth mouth feel you need.
You have to have the underwear in order to get the proper salty and tangy elements, but the sebum is key. You need to pick it clean with a small brush and collect it in a Tupperware container for several days to get enough. I recommend keeping it covered in the fridge to keep it from drying out.
Interesting, Marnie Tyler's linkedin profile has been stripped down in the last few hours. (google cache still has the old version) Some proof that the lackeys are watching this site intently, even early on a Saturday morning.
We shall make no distinction between douchebags and those who consort with them.
Holy motherfucking shit,
I just got reading Tucker's totally awesome and completely 100% true story regarding his night at the hockey match. If you are not entertained by this totally sweet story, then you're a total homosexual (and not in a Bunny sort of way).
I mean, holy fucking shit, he beats up a mascot. A FUCKING MASCOT!!! So what if there is no video of this event posted anywhere although all minor league hockey teams are televised. And sure a lot of the specifics in the story seem like total bullshit (like paying 40 bucks for a ticket to a minor league hockey game), but fuck all that, HE BEAT UP A MASCOT!!! Sure he didn't get arrested because he's Tucker Max, and the stupid cops didn't have video of the incident anyhow. Tucker wins again, holy shit my dick is so hard right now!!!
Are you not entertained you bunch of fucking faggots?!?!?! I'll bet you'd be happy if you were the mascot and Tucker was putting his hands all over you. I know I'd be happy, in fact, I'm going to go to mascot camp and become a mascot just in case Tucker comes to one of my games drunk and...
Fuck it, I need to do a shot and jerk off onto some stuffed animals.
Tucker, you the man!!!
bufthsects!
Tucker will gain AT LEAST 30 pounds of blubber during his knee recovery. Bunny will be feeding and changing ice packs. It will suck, but at least it won't cost Tucker Max a dime. Dennis Max, well, that's another story,
Tucker Max is a self-made man. Except for all the bills being paid by his dad.
Tucker Rules!
And he'll never be a dick.
Wtf.. they did actually strip the Marnie Tyler linkedin page in the last 12 hours.
They really do monitor this blog. How hilariously pathetic.
What's to know about Marnie? She's a college drop out in a position almost anybody can do and about to lose her job (after leaving her other position earlier this year).
She's also contributes articles (badly written vapid junk) to a man who is known to verbally, physically, mentally abuse her own sibling. You really don't have to say much more than that.
I have posted several times about this, but for those that didn't read it:
I have fucked marn many times. In fact I still have her #. She's a typical chicago slut
pwj = Sean Trende.
How to do laundry (This is kinda spooky)
1) After wearing clothes – any clothes; socks, shirts, shorts, etc. Be sure to take them off.
2) All of the used clothes should be placed somewhere that is easy to access.
3) Keep the used or dirty clothes separate from clean or new/unworn clothes.
4) To make step 3 easier, put dirty clothes in a basket, bin or hamper.
5) At some point, the dirty clothes should be brought to another room.
6) Limp to that room because you’re a stupid fucking idiot that can’t even exercise correctly. That’s right you knew better than the doctors and you "showed them” who was boss. Dickhead.
7) Make sure the room where dirty clothes are taken has a washing machine.
8) At some point open the lid to the washing machine so that it is wide enough for thing to be placed inside.
9) Find soap – preferably laundry detergent.
10) Add the proper amount of this detergent into the open washing machine.
11) At this point you will want to use your hands to grab dirty clothes from basket or bin, etc.
12) Drop the dirty clothes inside of open washing machine.
13) Distribute evenly for best results.
14) Close lid of machine and turn on – set timer if need be.
15) Limp to the other room and read multiple blogs that point out what a shallow clueless uninteresting spoiled fucking dickhead you are.
16) Tell yourself “this is exactly what I wanted to happen” I am in control.
17) When wash is done, limp back to washing machine room and locate the dryer.
18) It’s often on the right side of the washer – but double check to be sure.
19) Open washer and remove closes so that they can be placed into dryer.
20) Be sure to open the dryer door – it will be difficult to push the wet clothes through a closed metal dryer door.
21) Close dryer door and set timer. You might want to add a sheet of “Bounce” to make shirts and shorts smell clean and fresh. That way at least this will be the one thing you have done that is “fresh” in about five years.
22) Limp back to your computer and keep hitting refresh on this very blog page. By the way “Hi, Douchebag!”
23) Do not fuck your dogs.
24) Again. Stop with the dog fucking.
25) Log onto Amazon and write more fake reviews.
26) Go to your own website and ask yourself “if only 1,000 people voted on my movie poll, how is my movie going to make more that about 40 grand?”
27) Take some pain medication for your leg. The leg you fucked up on your own.
28) Go to your own website and delete comments that make sense.
29) When you hear the dryer buzzer go often that means the clothes are dry.
30) At this point yell to the next room: “Bunny you stupid drunk cunt, fold my clothes before I slap across the face.
----
Guy is a genius, folks!
PWJ is adorable!
http://www.hunton.com/bios/bio.aspx?id=16721&tab=0013
Wow, PWJ has quite the shit-eating grin. Boy looks like he at a whole truck-full of shit.
Bet that grin on PWJ was the same grin Brutus flashed to Caesar right before he stuck the knife in his back. That guy looks like the epitome of a shitbag sleazeball lawyer.
The player haters ball gives us the opportunity to hate on a diverse array of mark ass marks, trick ass marks, punk bitches, skip skap skanks and scallywags, hoes, heffers, heehas and hoolyhoos.
Here I see the most diabolical haters in the U.S., hope to see you at next years player haters ball.
Trixie wears underwear with dickholes in 'em.
I'd like to thank God Almighty for giving everyone else sooo much, and me so little. I hate you, I hate you, I might not even know you but I hate your guts. I hope all the bad things in life happen to you, and nobody else but you.
^^^My favorite one is 'skip skap skanks.'
Tucker's movie blog is so revolutionary, he's even revolutionizing how people talk about it - namely, that he's the only one talking about it at all.
It is an axiom in Hollywood that not only are A-List actors needed to open movies, in fact the only reason people go see movies at all is because of the actors (or sometimes the director). I cannot tell you how many times I have heard this; from financiers, from other producers, from studios, even from other actors (not to mention all the random noise on the internet). It is the definition of conventional wisdom.
For most of my life, I have made a living going against conventional wisdom, especially when it stands in opposition to something I want to do, and after looking at the evidence, I have come to the conclusion that the conventional wisdom in Hollywood is wrong. I believe that if the underlying material is good enough--i.e., the story and the writing--you only need quality actors, not big name actors. I think it's very clear that the viewing patterns of the American public are telling us that people want great stories, and don't really care as much about big actors anymore.
Don't think I'm right? OK, who were the name actors in Juno? Who were the name actors in American Pie? In Big Fat Greek Wedding? In 300? How many of Judd Apatow's movies had stars in them? Shit, just look at the list of the highest grossing R comedies. How many were star driven? By my count, 1, the very top one, Wedding Crashers. All the rest did well based on the quality of material. [And please don't be the person saying that movies like Old School or Risky Business have stars in them. That is revisionist history; those movies made stars of their name actors.]
I could go on and on and on; the examples of hugely successful movies WITHOUT big name actors is actually larger than the ones with, especially over the past few years. Not only does THR know this, even Time Magazine knows this:
"Indeed, we may be in Hollywood's first poststar era. If you judge movie stardom by the actors who headline the biggest hits, then the top stars of 2007 include Tobey Maguire (Spider-Man 3), Shia LaBeouf (Transformers), Daniel Radcliffe (Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix) and Gerard Butler (300). Each of these films took in more than $200 million at the domestic box office, or more than three times as much as the political comedy Charlie Wilson's War, with a cast headed by Tom Hanks and Julia Roberts. Among actresses in the year's releases, the big star was Ellen Page, whose low-budget Juno has made $138 million domestically. Doesn't she deserve an eight-figure contract for her next film? No, because even studio bosses know that, appealing as Page may have been, what drew crowds to Juno was story and attitude. Those are the lures of indie films, as surely as comic-book grandeur is the sine qua non for today's franchise blockbusters."
Are there actors who, just by their name alone, can open movies? Of course. Will Smith and Adam Sandler are obvious examples. But my point is NOT that big name actors can't open movies at all; it's that they aren't NEEDED to open movies or make successes. The evidence of this is simply overwhelming.
Though most people working in Hollywood are stupid, not everyone is, and there are two reasons why so many people still cling to this old school view:
1. Inertia. There was a day when stars did open movies. When there were a small number of studios that controlled the entire industry, they developed stars, built franchises around their personas, and milked them for years. The name John Wayne above the title meant something then. It doesn't anymore because of the breakdown of the traditional studio system. Now, actors are mainly free agents, and studios have stopped being brands. Studios made so much shit for so many years, and audiences got burnt so many times that they stopped trusting that a name meant something (the amazing decline of Will Ferrell's career is a perfect example). Plainly put, the entertainment world has changed. [The fantastic book The Big Picture (which I highly recommend to anyone trying to understand the economics of Hollywood) describes the transformation in detail.]
2. Judging whether or not a script or a story is good, BEFORE the fact, is extremely difficult. Some say it's impossible (I tend to disagree, but whatever). Decision theory teaches that when evidence related to a decision is non-existent or weak, the decision-maker's prior beliefs will influence the ultimate decision. Star power used to matter, and it is something that can be quantified, if imprecisely, and so people rely on it. Even when it's a terrible indicator, it's better than nothing to someone with no other guide. This is also why Hollywood is so keen on making movies out of existing properties recently, like Harry Potter or comic books, because again it's something they can quantify. This is what happens when you ask suits to make artistic decisions: You get decisions based on whatever metrics they can grab onto, instead of an underlying understanding of what makes a movie into art.
From day one with this movie, we decided to rely on the quality of our material and not big name actors to drive our success (mainly for reasons related to economics and creative direction). Time will tell whether this strategy works out for this specific movie, but the evidence is pretty clear that in the aggregate, it is a strategy that can and has worked many many times.
EDIT: Another NY Times piece supporting my position that I forgot to link.
Ok, I'm now convinced he's revolutionary. Not only is he going to Otto Max Fail, but he's providing support for the fact that he shouldn't fail. It's revolutionary to point out all of the reasons you shouldn't fail, and then fail anyway.
YAY! Ryan piped in:
There is also an element of simplicity behind it that I think a lot of people miss. Your boss comes to you and asks you to find someone to fill a position, the first people you think of are the people you know - your friends, people you've met, people you've worked with before. A few years ago, if you had a big lawsuit on your hands you'd think 'call Johnny Cochran.' Or if you had a great idea for an internet start up you'd think about Fred Wilson not because he was the best but because he was somebody you'd heard of. It's why people email their writing to Rudius. You do the same with doctors, real estate agents, stock brokers, presidents.
That's how people think. These decisions don't get made in a vacuum, they get made in conference rooms and offices. So when people get all upset about someone suggesting Ryan Renyolds for Tucker Max they're not being far. Spitballing in a room who exactly are they supposed to suggest? "Let's hold an audition and let the best man win" not only doesn't fit the incentives of person-to-person interaction but it's not economical for discussing something that isn't much more than an idea.
Someone very smart in Hollywood explained it to me like this: It's so difficult to get a movie made that producing a flop still puts you in the top 1%.
Tucker is different because Tucker is different. But, before everyone chimes in on this, think about a hypothetical: you write a script and pass it to someone you know in Hollywood. Word comes back that Nicole Kidman LOVES it, now even though she is objectively box office poison, are you telling me that doesn't change things for you?
I'm not disputing the economic data at all. I'm just saying that this is an environmental result more than it is a failure or whatever. It's one that will be very difficult to get rid of because it has more to do with how people think than it does about how Hollywood operates.
__________________
I have to admit Tucker's last post is absolutely true, except for the fact that his own material sucks. Just read the scripts of American Pie, Super Bad and IHTSBIH back to back to back. Ouch!
^ Holy shit.
What Tucker doesn't mention is that stars do matter in one main aspect of film distribution, a bigger name will mean more DVD's to be printed up.
Case in point: every single actor in Hollywood has a certain value attached to their name in terms of DVD sales. A name like Ryan Gosling would probably mean that 50000 DVD's would be printed with just his name attached, whereas a name like Matt Czuchry might mean an extra 1000 are printed (maybe).
Having Jesse Bradford as your only "name" in the movie means that you'll have far less DVD's printed which means less earnings. Also, foreign distributors aren't going to care about the quality of the movie, they are going to ask one question and one question only:
"Who is the star of this film?"
Now, do you think they'd rather hear a name like Ryan Reynolds or do you think they'd rather hear Matt Czuchry?
This route Tucker is touting is destined to failure. The only way this film could be successful is if it were a great script or turned into a great film. As far as the script on the film goes, it was really bad. Totally unoriginal, no real themes, bad plotting, horrible dialogue and a dislikable main character. Tucker, you are not making "Swingers" you are making a film that has been made before and made much better (and more profitable). Part of the reason why films like Swingers were profitable was because the product that was released could stand up on it's own. Without the benefit of your title "NYTimes Best Selling Author", your film would never have been made. You should say that out loud a few times, because I think you've fooled yourself into thinking you're some sort of genius screenwriter. THE ONLY REASON YOUR SCRIPT GOT MADE WAS BECAUSE YOU SOLD A LOT OF BOOKS, NOT BECAUSE YOUR SCRIPT WAS GOOD. If you were just some corporate attorney who wrote this script and you didn't have any of the baggage of being blackballed by the major agencies in Hollywood, the script wouldn't have made it past an intern reading it. The only people who are saying it's "good" are you, your sycophants and people who are under your employ. Trust me, people in Hollywood were passing your script around and laughing at how bad it was far earlier then when that script reader chick decided to make it public.
It's simply not a good script, and that's why you couldn't attach an A-B-or C-list actor.
He's producing facts to fit the reality he wants, not using facts to support the reality that is. He did the same thing with Rudius Media: he hired/recruited a bunch of ne'er do well writers, editors, ad men, computer nerds, etc. who failed at life (or were well into the process of failing...like Holiday) thinking he could do things on the cheap *and* get to take all of the credit. You see how well that worked out for him. Same thing is going to happen with the movie. You get what you pay for, nothing more and nothing less.
ROFL - straight from Otto's website (quoting press about Body of Lies)
But audiences ran the other way, which is what happens when the script, though based on a book, doesn't measure up."
Self-prediction FAIL
Holy motherfucking shit!!!!
Tucker is so write!!! He can't fail with a cast of Matt Whocry, the kid from Swimfan and that other guy playing that other part!! Did you not see the genus of Matt Whocry (who I didn't remember at all until Tucker awesomely pointed him out as "the blond guy") in 8 Legged Freaks!?!?! He drove a fucking motorcycul while getting chased by giant spiders!! I even felt his fear through his motorcross helmet as the BIG SPIDERS chased him!!! Actually I've been feeling a lot of things after I found out that Matty was playing Tucker and well....
Motherfucker, are you not entertained!?!?! Matt Whocry was dating that chick who WAS NOT totally miskast as Lois Lane!!! That is more than enough to make him more famous for that than any of his acting roles (in movies I have not seen, but will if they ever come out on DVD, MATT YOU RULE!!!).
Did I not mention that this film has the kid from Swimfan? Holy shit, when I found out about that he was playing Sling Blade (who is a totally original character) I went out and bought Swimfan. Man, let me tell you, can that kid act in a Speedo or what? I kept going back to those scenes of him underwater and suddenly I was a Swimfan.
Fuck, I need to do a shot and go to the store and buy a big spider and fake drown it in the tub while I jerk off.
Tucker, you the man!!!
^ Those spelling errors are done on purpose.
Tucker Logic:
SOME indie movies make it big.
I'm producing an indie movie.
My indie movie WILL make it big.
Wow. I mean, besides the diamonds in the rough we hear of, what percentage of indie movies are complete flops? Far more than successful ones, to be sure. Tucker's dumb.
@ 1:05
Please don't compare Tucker's asinine antics to those of one of literature's great fictional characters, Don Quixote. (Tucker's literary persona being one of history's worst fictional characters, but I digress...)
Don Quixote's irrational behavior was roundly mocked and derided by those who he encountered, but his actions were born of a nobility that Otto neither possess nor could ever understand.
I guess if Tucker's movie tanks, he can't blame the no name actors for the failure. I wonder then... will he blame the director, or the script? Tough one to call.
^^^ You mean WHEN tucker's movie tanks...
Tucker (Otto) Max is still a doucebag.
Let us not forget that truism.
When tucker's movie fails he will:
1) ignore it
2) insist it was a success ("highest grossing indy film in the state of kentucky")
3) blame distributor
4) blame the edit job for ruining his vision.
5) donkey punch Bunny
6) donkey punch ryan
7) ban anyone who mentions how much it sucked.
^^^ What a bagadouche.
Otto will probably blame the Hollywood elite, as they found his revolutionary ideas too threatening. He'll leverage that excuse too, in an effort to push DVD sales from his website.
In terms of A List actors being conspicuously absent from the cast of blockbuster R rated comedies, it's an insipid and misleading comment. The use of A List actors is just a branding mechanism; it increases the probability of a film earning a profit. You never bank on a series of comedies reaching blockbuster status, but you can project that a series of comedies starring A List actors have a reasonable probability of earning a decent return. That's the formula that keeps studios in business.
Are there really a bunch of "Hollywood types" who "really know the business" backwards and forwards who comment on this blogspot post? Or is that unlikely?
Hollywood insiders are EVERYWHERE. They know what you ate for dinner last night.
Lost in all that was confirmation of a point made around here previously: Tucker is not part of the editing process at all. Basically, he's just a sideshow to the film now, his direct involvement is over.
But shhh, don't tell the messageboard kids, they still think he's the greatest thing ever.
For Tucker, everything depends on the story. I think it's a shame that he really believes his stories are GOOD stories. Are they entertaining? Maybe, to some (evidently so)... but there isn't any SUBSTANCE to them... it's like, if the thing that I was KNOWN for was crazy stuff I did in terms of drinking, partying and chasing girls, that'd be a pretty empty existence. I think Tucker's smart enough to know this, which is why he must insist on a deeper value in his stories (and cite his fleeting popularity as an example of this), and which is why he must insist that he's going to change Hollywood or whatever it is.
He probably doesn't actively realize it, but he's striving for meaning - for real, lasting relevance, because the only alternative is to accept that he's lived a life wasted for so long. Fortunately for him, he subscribes to a worldview that places real value on financial success, on attention-from-others as proof of importance (which betrays one of his real deep-rooted mental/emotional problems), etc. But you don't see anything like growth or illumination or any of the things that great art have; besides that, his fans can't 'grow' with him, because there IS no growth, so what ends up happening (to the normal ones at least - not to the ones who hitch their star to Tucker's in hopes of finding residual success) is that people grow up, move on (like it seems most of Tucker's buddies from his stories have done - doesn't it just seem like he's 'holding on to the good times' while the rest of them have moved on?), and Tucker has to find a NEW set of young, dumb partiers and girl-chasers to keep his fanbase alive. If this movie is successful, he'll do that, but it doesn't change the emptiness of his 'art' or his life.
tucker has failed as a businessman.
i remember him saying he was investing all his viacom cash in rudius.
hahahahah
hehehehahahahhohoho
hahahahahhehehoohohhhaahh
hhahhahaha
ha
Just to tear these scenerios apart:
"1. Get a rough cut done, put a bunch of distributors in a screening room, show it to all of them at once, and make a deal.
2. Show it to distributors one by one, and see if we can generate escalating deals that way.
3. Show it at AFM or Sundance or some other festival or film market, and sell it there.
4. Go directly to theater chains and try to make our own deal, essentially acting as our own distributor."
1) Tucker won't get this far. The only way that distributors will even view this is if Darko is the face of the sale. Even then, it's still a "TUCKER MAX MOVIE". Guess who Hollywood won't work with?
Tucker Max.
He's blackballed, and unless his film is utterly fantastic, Hollywood won't even view his film (much like how Troy Duffy couldn't sell Boondock Saints after it was completed). Tucker is Troy Duffy with a little more hair and far less talent. At it's worst, at least Duffy's film was watchable. Tucker's film is crap from top to bottom.
2) See number one.
Tucker's best bet is to get it distributed by National Lampoon, and he won't make a dime for that deal, because they'll do a negative pickup on the film and Darko (the company that financed the movie) will be lucky to make 1/3rd of their budget back. He'll be lucky if somebody pays 2 million for it to go straight to video/PPV.
3) Yeah Tucker, Sundance is full of films about overgrown frat boys who drink and fuck and have no redeamable values who are stuck in a muck of shit for a script. Even with Darko, this film has no chance of hitting the festival circuit, at least not for competition. It's nothing against Tucker, it's just the fact that his script sucked ass and there's almost no chance that the script could be turned into anything of note.
4) You mean the guy who badmouths Hollywood openly suddenly thinks that a theater chain (who are tied to the hip of Hollywood) will use their screen space in place of a Hollywood film (with name actors no less)??
He might be able to get a few smaller individually owned theaters to show his films for a week or two. Maybe at a college, maybe not. I just can't see this happening because all other bigger distributors will tell the smaller theater to not play the movie or risk not being able to play a new Hollywood release at the theater. This is pretty much what happened to Troy Duffy.
I could care less if Tucker reads this, all I do know is that he's far past delusional.
Troy Duffy is shooting a sequel to Boondock Saints right now. All Saint Day:
http://ca.youtube.com/user/realboondocksaints
Tucker: "Don't get me wrong, the overwhelming majority of MOVIES suck, but at least studio movies are kinda made with audiences in mind. Indie movies are more often then not little more than the egomanical masturbation of an actor, director or financier."
Financier??? What's that doing on the list?
I notice he left "writer" off that list of the egomaniacal. BTW, one of America's self-proclaimed great writers has spelled "egomaniacal" incorrectly. Ironical.
^^^ The New York Times bestselling author also constantly uses "Nils and I" when the correct usage would be "Nils and me." For shame, Tucker. For shame.
^^^You don't get it. It isn't about proper syntactical relation, or proper spelling, or any of that stupid old media stuff anymore. It's all about great content, and Tucker's content is incredibly deep and profound. If you don't understand that, you're just still stuck in the 'old media' mindset.
And, by the way, dumba$$, it's not 'ironical', it's ironicalicious. I'm more gooder at talking than your is.
Guess who Hollywood won't work with?
Tucker Max.
He's blackballed, and unless his film is utterly fantastic, Hollywood won't even view his film
THIS PERSON IS IN THE UPPER
Guess who Hollywood won't work with?
Tucker Max.
He's blackballed, and unless his film is utterly fantastic, Hollywood won't even view his film
ECHELONS OF HOLLYWOOD ELITE AND THUS
Guess who Hollywood won't work with?
Tucker Max.
He's blackballed, and unless his film is utterly fantastic, Hollywood won't even view his film
KNOWS PRECISELY WHAT THEY WILL AND WON'T DO, HE KNOWS THEIR THOUGHTS
Guess who Hollywood won't work with?
Tucker Max.
He's blackballed, and unless his film is utterly fantastic, Hollywood won't even view his film
AND IN BETWEEN TAKES WITH THE STARS AND POWER LUNCHES
Guess who Hollywood won't work with?
Tucker Max.
He's blackballed, and unless his film is utterly fantastic, Hollywood won't even view his film
HE COMES HERE, TO LET US KNOW THE STRAIGHT DOPE ON ONE TUCKER MAX
Guess who Hollywood won't work with?
Tucker Max.
He's blackballed, and unless his film is utterly fantastic, Hollywood won't even view his film
WE SHOULD BE VERY APPRECIATIVE OF THIS
Guess who Hollywood won't work with?
Tucker Max.
He's blackballed, and unless his film is utterly fantastic, Hollywood won't even view his film
UNLESS YOU THINK THAT SCENARIO IS UNLIKELY
Guess who Hollywood won't work with?
Tucker Max.
He's blackballed, and unless his film is utterly fantastic, Hollywood won't even view his film
?
Guess who Hollywood won't work with?
Tucker Max.
He's blackballed, and unless his film is utterly fantastic, Hollywood won't even view his film
Guess who Hollywood won't work with?
Tucker Max.
He's blackballed, and unless his film is utterly fantastic, Hollywood won't even view his film
Guess who Hollywood won't work with?
Tucker Max.
He's blackballed, and unless his film is utterly fantastic, Hollywood won't even view his film
Guess who Hollywood won't work with?
Tucker Max.
He's blackballed, and unless his film is utterly fantastic, Hollywood won't even view his film
Guess who Hollywood won't work with?
Tucker Max.
He's blackballed, and unless his film is utterly fantastic, Hollywood won't even view his film
Guess who Hollywood won't work with?
Tucker Max.
He's blackballed, and unless his film is utterly fantastic, Hollywood won't even view his film
Guess who Hollywood won't work with?
Tucker Max.
thank you for that illuminating post, tucker fan
^ Why do I have to be a Tucker Fan to point out how unlikely the scenario is? Don't use Republican silencing tactics of sarcasm and ridicule on me in order to defend your point of view. Rather consider whether or not it makes sense and approach it objectively. The simplest answer is usually the right one. Explain why it makes sense that some Hollywood power broker who can really attest to the feelings of that inside Hollywood mover and shaker crowd is actually coming onto this board to not only comment, but to type out long-winded diatribes.
To be honest I am neither a fan nor a hater. I read his book maybe 2 years ago and I thought some of the stories were funny but it was plane ride reading. I don't know all his friends names and ages. I don't know anything about his personal finances. I don't know the up-to-the-minute status of his life or his movie. I don't know the rating scores for his websites. I don't know any of the details of the scandals concerning him. But you do. And I am a hypocrite, at least in part, for my interest in you. right?
The Republican party comparison is valid on many levels. With these people, either you hate Tucker so much it makes your ass pucker in sweet anticipation of him getting punched in the face, or your ass puckers in sweet anticipation of Tucker sliding his cock into it. There is no in between.
Post a Comment